An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“LUAKELS OF THE WASTELAND – PART 02”
Written By : DAVE HOWERY & DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
INT- AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- EVENING-
Most of the crew and the Sandkats are gathered in this large room. The AH.COM crew seem to be fairly shaken, as they are pale and sweating.
LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…
MATT
The horror… the sheer damn bloody awful horror…
LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…
G BONE
How could anyone do this? How could they?
LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh….ow!!
LANDSHARK quiets as IRONYUPPIE slaps the back of his head.
THANDE
A planet of…. LUAKELS?!?!
Subdued whimpers are heard from several of the crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, it’s a scary thought. But really, is it any more
weird than some of the other timelines we’ve….
His gaze falls on DIAMOND; SLINKY is standing near him, and running a finger possessively along his arm. DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh never mind. This is just the weird cap on a totally weird day.
Well… we need a plan. If we’re going to get off this planet, we
need spare parts and raw materials to do the repairs. All we need
lies about ten miles from here. We need to get there, get a load
of supplies, and get them back here. I need ideas, people.
DAVE HOWERY
Well, there’s about a dozen vehicles the Snakes left behind that
are in good enough shape to use. That would get a party there.
But they’re not big enough to haul back a load of what we need.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we’re going to have to go on a wing and a prayer on this one.
We’ll take the buggies there and hope that there is something in the
ruins that we can use to haul the supplies back here.
Okay, let’s put a team together.
DOCTOR WHAT looks around at the gathered crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to need firepower on this little trip.
So, MATT, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, and
DMA will go. DIAMOND, you go along in case
anyone needs to be patched up. PSYCHOMELTDOWN,
get a list from DAVE of what you need; you’re
coming too. Hmmm…. LUAKEL. Think any of
the Sandkats will go along if you ask them?
LUAKEL
Sure. But I’ll have to go too.
BUBBA
Me go. WALKER go too. SLINKY go. BO/JO go. PARSON
go back to Sandkat Cave. Bring whole tribe here. Bring weapons
and supplies. SPIDER stay here, help fix ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, what he said. All right, everyone… get your
gear together, get your weapons checked out, and
grab some sleep. We head out at first light.
EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAWN
The camera shows a far view of the ship. The sun is coming up over the horizon, vast pale yellow through a haze of dust.
The camera switches to a view near the airlock door. DOCTOR WHAT and his team are standing by the salvaged bikes and dune buggies, preparing to leave. The AH.COMMERS are heavily armed, and the Sandkats are carrying salvaged Snake crossbows. DOCTOR WHAT is talking to HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY, while SPIDER stands nearby.
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t get too slack while you’re waiting for us. Have LEO keep a
sharp eye out for those Snakes… I don’t think they’ve given up on
us yet. DAVE, do whatever repairs you can do now, and get ready
for our return. And everybody needs to be armed at all times,
even if it’s just a pistol.
HENDRYK
We shall not fail you, oh He Who Died And Gloriously Returned!
HENDRYK’S face shines with the pure belief in his eyes. DAVE HOWERY has an unusual (for him) look of concern on his face. DOCTOR WHAT notices and raises an eyebrow.
DOCTOR WHAT
Worried about us? I’m touched.
DAVE HOWERY
Well, you are going off to some unknown ruined city inhabited by God knows what.
Not to mention, if you fail, the rest of us will be stuck here forever. No pressure though.
DOCTOR WHAT
No, no pressure at all. Well… we better take off. If everything
goes well, we’ll see you tonight or tomorrow morning. Have
LEO keep an eye out for our return.
DAVE HOWERY
Good luck, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT nods, and then throws a leg over a motorcycle. The rest of the team climb onto the assortment of bikes and buggies. DIAMOND climbs onto a big Harley motorcycle. SLINKY sidles onto the seat behind him, puts her arms around him, and lays her cheek contendly on his back. The rest of the AH.COMMERS laugh and start whistling “Behind Closed Doors.” DIAMOND looks uncomfortable for a moment, and then grins ruefully. With a roar, the team starts up their motley vehicles. One by one, they move out over the sands. The camera switches to the three staying behind. SPIDER waves his four hands at the figures growing smaller in the distance. DAVE HOWERY notices.
DAVE HOWERY
Worried about your people?
SPIDER
Yeah.
DAVE HOWERY
Me too.
They watch as the vehicles disappear into the distance.
EXT- OUTSIDE THE RUINS- DAY-
The camera angle is at the bottom of a ridge of sand, looking up at the crest of it. Several motor sounds are heard, and a dune buggy stops at the top of the ridge. MATT and WALKER get out of it. They walk up to the edge of the ridge, looking down at something off camera. More vehicles come into sight, all stopping at the ridge. DOCTOR WHAT gets off his motorcycle and walks over by MATT. He looks down, and a look of surprise goes across his face.
DOCTOR WHAT
Holy cow!
MATT
This looks promising. We might just make it off this rock after all.
The camera switches to their POV. It shows a wide panoramic shot of a ruined city below them. Huge mountains of sand stand all around it, but the city itself seems to be free of it. However, the buildings are mostly rubble, although there are a few still standing in various states of collapse. At the far edge of the city, a compound of large warehouse-like buildings stands intact. A tall chainlink fence surrounds the compound. Nothing can be seen moving in the ruins. The camera switches back to the team.
DOCTOR WHAT
That compound looks promising. It looks intact… even the fence
is in good shape. Hmmm… do you suppose the Snakes come here
for all their stuff? I’d hate to run into them here.
WALKER
No. The Snakes don’t live here. Another tribe holds this place and
makes deals with the tribes out on the wastes. We’ve never been
able to contact them… anyone we send here never comes back.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we have LUAKEL with us. He can probably smooth
the way. Finally, the kid is doing something useful.
LUAKEL
I heard that!
DOCTOR WHAT
All right, let’s drive down this ridge. But be careful…
don’t want to go tumbling down the slope.
EXT- THE RUINS- DAY-
The teams’ vehicles are seen driving down one of the streets at the edge of town. Finally, they are forced to stop by piles of rubble choking the streets. The team dismounts and starts walking down the ruins; all are armed and wary.
The camera focuses on WEAPON M, who is walking next to DOCTOR WHAT. He looks right at something off camera. A look of astonishment goes across his face, and he stops walking. DOCTOR WHAT notices, and looks in the same direction. He also looks stunned for a moment, and then he laughs.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why am I not surprised…
The camera switches to their POV. The ruins of a strip mall are seen. Although the buildings have long since collapsed, the entrance sign at what used to be the parking lot is still intact. It reads “Welcome to the Sault Ste. Marie Shopping Center.”
EXT. – LARGE ABANDONED COMPOUND – DAY
We see the ah.commers and Sandkats making their way across a sand and debris-choked compound towards a collection of warehouse-like buildings. They come to a stop before a massive heavily reinforced metal door, easily forty feet across and twenty feet high.
DOCTOR WHAT
MATT. WEAPON M. You think you can do something about this?
INT. – LONG DARK CORRIDOR- NIGHT
We see the massive heavily reinforced metal door at the far end. It suddenly explodes, sending debris and flames towards the camera. A few seconds later we see the ah.commers and Sandkats walk in, illuminated from behind by bright sunlight.
MATT
I LOVE doing that!
WEAPON M
Nothing like the smell of Cordite in the morning!
We see DOCTOR WHAT come in behind them, a slightly confused look on his face.
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—the door was open. All you had to do was lift it up, guys.
MATT
(confused look)
Open a door—without using explosives?
WEAPON M
(confused look)
Is that possible?
MATT
(pondering look)
Well—theoretically, I suppose it COULD be possible…
DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes and walks past them, muttering a very quiet ‘Marone’ under his breath. The rest of the ah.commers and Sandkats follow.
INT. – DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The corridor here is smaller than the one where they entered—more like large office corridors rather than warehouse corridors. We see debris, sand and cobwebs everywhere.
MATT, WEAPON M and WALKER are at point. BUBBA, DMA and IRONYUPPIE are at the rear. The rest of the ah.commers and Sandkats are in the middle.
As the group turns a corner in the corridor, we see—for just a quick instant—a small figure scuttle by behind them.
INT. – DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT
CLOSE-UP: Scanner device showing a very faint schematic of the building.
PULL-OUT: We see DOCTOR WHAT looking at the scanner.
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s a lot of weird metal or something around this place—scanner
is having a lot of trouble cutting through all the interference– but I think
that there’s a big room coming up soon.
MATT
Any signs of movement?
DOCTOR WHAT
No—but the scanner is acting all wonky so I can’t be sure.
WEAPON M
Stay frosty everyone.
TIGHT ON: Ah.commers and Sandkats suddenly looking in disbelief.
Camera swings around to show:
An immensely huge darkened room, easily the size of a football field, if not more. The beams from the ah.commer’s flashlights disappear into the gloom, so we can barely see the far end of the room.
We see along one side a long factory conveyor belt stretching out and disappearing into the darkness. Numerous industrial robotic arms –like the kind that make cars or are involved in heavy duty wielding – can be seen all along the conveyor belt. Several large pieces of machinery the size of small houses—their purpose unknown—lie scattered here and there in the middle of the room. Along the other side can be seen computer workstations with numerous boxes and crates stored next to or underneath the workstations. We can see several corridors branching out from the room, disappearing into the darkness.
Dust and debris covers everything.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ooooh weeeeee! We hit the motherload boys!
I’m gonna have me some fun!
(begins buckling pants)
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, Psycho! Save the shit for later!
LUAKEL
Looting causes the same reaction in Psycho
as a field full of sheep does for DMA.
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright people! PSYCHO, LUAKEL, DMA–start going over
the list of stuff we need! Yuppie-come with me-I’m going to
need your help with the emergency generator in this place.
Everyone else—spread out and check out the rest of the room.
Everyone partner up.
MATT and WEAPON M go off in one direction. DIAMOND and SLINKY go off together in another. BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO go off in a third.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL and DMA are running around, opening boxes and crates, examining machines and workstations and referencing various sheets of paper they have in their hands, making tick marks on their sheets every now and then.
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE walk towards a large generator sitting in one corner.
In the corridor that they all walked out from—we see a figure, shrouded in darkness, look at them for a few seconds then scuttle off.
INT. – LARGE ROOM- NIGHT
We see IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT working on a large generator. DOCTOR WHAT appears to be hooking up IRONYUPPIE’s electric yo-yo to something in the generator. Grinning maniacally, DOCTOR WHAT stands up, humming the first few notes of the ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ theme song, and with an exaggerated theatrical wave of his arms he flicks a switch and—
–nothing happens.
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling evilly)
That’s okay Doc—lots of guys have that problem. I hear
that there’s a little blue pill that can help with that….
DOCTOR WHAT
Har har.
(looking at the generator)
Not sure what’s wrong—this has never happened to me before….
(beat)
Look Yuppie—if you keep giggling like that,
you’re going to pass out from lack of oxygen….
INT. –LARGE ROOM- DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT
We see MATT and WEAPON M appear at the entrance to an open doorway. They walk in.
INT. –LARGE ROOM- ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT
We see SLINKY and DIAMOND walk towards an open doorway. After a moment’s hesitation they walk in.
INT. –LARGE ROOM- YET ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT
We see BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO walking towards the far end of the darkened room.
INT. – LARGE ROOM- NIGHT
We see DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE still working on the generator. DOCTOR WHAT makes a few more adjustments to some wiring on the generator and flicks a switch.
PULL OUT-
We see the entire room light up as fluorescent lights on the ceiling turn on. We now have a better view of the room. BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO look up in amazement and shock at the lights and mutter a few words between them.
INT. –CORRIDOR- NIGHT
We see MATT and WEAPON M glance behind them as the lights in the large room light up, casting some illumination into the corridor. They turn back and face the camera’s direction—and gape open-jawed in shock.
INT. –ANOTHER CORRIDOR- NIGHT
We see SLINKY and DIAMOND glance behind them as the lights in the large room light up. They, too, turn back and face the camera’s direction—only to have looks of amazement and shock appear on their faces as well.
INT. –LARGE ROOM – DAY
We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL and DMA rummaging around various boxes. They glance up as they see DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE appear.
DOCTOR WHAT
How does it look?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(glancing at some sheets of paper in his hands)
Looks pretty good so far. Still have to double check on a few things
but it looks like we got pretty much everything on Dave’s list.
IRONYUPPIE
So we can actually get off this stupid rock?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding head)
Uh-huh—as soon as we can figure out
a way to lug all this stuff back to the ship.
MATT
(o.v.)
Guys! Get over here! Me and WEAPON M found something!
We see the ah.commers rush off.
INT. –CORRIDOR- NIGHT
We see the ah.commers rush in—and stop. They are staring at something off camera with looks of amazement and bemusement.
Camera swings around to show—
A large garage with a corridor leading off into darkness. A few rusted and decrepit cars and pick-up trucks are lying in heaps here and there.
Directly in front of the ah.commers -
MATT and WEAPON M standing in front of a huge vehicle. It appears to be a giant semi-truck that has been heavily modified. Instead of wheels, it has four sets of wide tracks like a tank. The trailer is a very long and wide open unit designed to haul large pallets of cargo.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smirking)
Well—THAT’s convenient.
LUAKEL
Does it work?
MATT
Engine is a bit of a mess but Lee and I can probably make
some kind of half-assed repair job on it using parts from all these
other junked cars if we work on it for a few hours. It probably won’t
last for more than a day or two but that should be more than enough
time to get us back to the ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
Does it have fuel?
WEAPON M
(smiling)
Practically a full tank!
DOCTOR WHAT
(Mister Burns impression)
Ex-cellent!
(beat)
Ok guys—get busy and get this thing working asap!
The rest of you guys—start helping me load—
DIAMOND
(o.v.)
Hey guys! Over here! You gotta see this!
LUAKEL
Whoa—déjà vu.
DOCTOR WHAT
Shall we?
They all rush off.
INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We see the ah.commers walk in. They are joined by WALKER, BUBBA and BO/JO. They all walk in—and stop, looks of disbelief and confusion on their faces.
Camera swings around to show—
DIAMOND and SLINKY standing in front of a huge hydroponic grow room, filled with plants of every variety from herbs to vegetables.
WALKER
(awestruck voice)
The Promised Land….
BUBBA
(nodding head)
BUBBA like….
BO/JO looks at the plants
RIGHT HEAD
I want to eat some broccoli
LEFT HEAD
No you don’t, it gives us gas.
RIGHT HEAD
It does?
LEFT HEAD
Yes.
RIGHT HEAD
Still want to eat some.
LEFT HEAD
Are you retarded?
RIGHT HEAD
Why are you always insulting me? I have feelings too, you know!
LEFT HEAD
Yak, yak, yak….
RIGHT HEAD
You know—you have a lot of anger issues. Anger is nothing more
than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear — or all three. If you are
experiencing uncontrollable rage, you have unfulfilled needs that
should be addressed. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for the
way you’ve behaved while angry. Perhaps you need to forgive
others for their actions. Remember the three R’s – Reframe, relax
and react rationally.
LEFT HEAD
I’m going to reframe you if you don’t shut up!
RIGHT HEAD
Bite me!
LEFT HEAD
Why you little-
They start choking each other with their hands. BUBBA rolls his eyes and smacks the two of them in the back of the heads with his fist, knocking them down.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
This is perfect! We got wheels, we got the stuff we need and
we even have some fresh food! Ok people—we’ve got work to do!
WEAPON M
Dude. Eating green shit ain’t fresh food.
BUBBA
I got some Luakel Jerky if you want some.
WEAPON M
(beat)
We’ll talk later.
MONTAGE
We see MATT and WEAPON M making repairs to the semi.
We see DIAMOND, DMA, LUAKEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and DOCTOR WHAT collecting supplies, sorting them and placing them into various piles.
SLINKY, BUBBA, WALKER, BO/JO and IRONYUPPIE are collecting fruits and vegetables or keeping watch over everyone.
We see LUAKEL carrying a pile of circuit boards when he suddenly does a doubletake at something offscreen and stops. He motions at the others and looks back at something offscreen.
The camera follows his view.
INT. –LARGE ROOM – DAY
We see at the far side of the chamber—a figure dressed in monk-like robes. A hood partially conceals his face but we can see that the figure bears a resemblance to LUAKEL—aside from the glowing red eyes and large bony spikes that appear along his jawline.
FIGURE
(staring at LUAKEL)
Are you…are you…undeformed?
LUAKEL
(smirking)
Relax guys—I’ll handle this.
He steps forward.
LUAKEL
I am The One. The Perfect LUAKEL.
FIGURE suddenly hisses and backs away.
FIGURE
(screaming)
He admits it! The Great Deceiver admits that he is him!
He will bring Doom upon us all! Get him my minions!
Suddenly over two dozen figures—all deformed LUAKELS and all wearing the same monk-like robes—shimmy down from the ceiling! Two of the figures grab LUAKEL’s arms while a third clubs him over the head. They drag him off while the others attack the ah.commers and Sandkats.
Mass confusion and chaos reigns.
BUBBA knocks one of the minions out with a punch to the face but is immediately jumped from behind by another. The two of them stagger around the room, knocking over boxes and supplies everywhere. Another minion launches himself at DIAMOND, knocking him to the ground. BO/JO is waving a large metal pipe at three minions, keeping them at bay. SLINKY is ferociously attacking a deformed LUAKEL who looks vaguely like a large bear. It appears to be an even match. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DOCTOR WHAT are running down the corridor that leads to the garage, several LUAKEL clones screaming behind them. WALKER is calmly having a knife fight with a screaming LUAKEL clone who has three arms and a shark fin on his head. DMA and IRONYUPPIE are clubbing LUAKEL clones mercilessly.
FIGURE
(screaming)
Retreat my minions! We got what we came for!
The FIGURE turns and runs down the corridor, followed a few seconds later by the rest of the minions dragging or carrying their fallen comrades with them. In a matter of seconds, they’re gone.
DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT and WEAPON M (both carrying BFGs) run out of the corridor and stare in confusion at the chaos.
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright people! Call out!
The ah.commers and Sandkats one by one shout out their names. All appear to be alive and present except for –
DOCTOR WHAT
LUAKEL! DIAMOND!
(beat)
What the hell happened to them?
WALKER steps forward.
WALKER
It is as I feared. They were captured by the tribe
that lives here. They have been captured by…
(beat)
The Morlocks!
INT- THE CHAMBER OF THE RELIC- DAY
The camera opens on a view of LUAKEL and DIAMOND standing next to each other, with bags over their heads. A hand from off camera reaches out and pulls the bags off. The two men blink in the light and look around.
The camera switches to their POV. They see the LUAKEL with the red eyes and jaw spikes standing in front of a large stone block which has ghastly red stains on it. The LUAKEL is looking at them with fanatic hatred.
THE BISHOP
The day has come! As it was foretold by our ancestors
since the time of the Great Banishment. Hearken now
to the words of the first LUAKEL Morlock!
A fervent shout rises off camera. LUAKEL and DIAMOND turn around to see a crowd of Morlocks, well over 30 of them, standing behind them. They are gazing at THE BISHOP with devotion. The camera switches back to THE BISHOP.
THE BISHOP
“And in the end of days, the Great One will appear to lead us into
the land beyond death. And thou shalt know him by the ultimate
deformity of his face and body, which shall be the greatest known
to all of the planet. But before that blessed day, thou must bear the
iniquity of the Great Deceiver, the enemy of the Great One. He shall
appear to be a LUAKEL but without defect. His twisted words will
tempt you, but do not be deceived! When he appears, thou must make
sacrifice of him and all with him. For only with his death shall the
Great One appear. And this shall be the end of time and the remaking of the world.”
THE BISHOP lowers his arms and points at LUAKEL.
THE BISHOP
And behold! He has appeared! Now,
our destiny is at hand. Now, we must
sacrifice the Great Deceiver to the relic
of our Great One!
THE BISHOP turns and raises his arms towards something off camera. The camera switches back to LUAKEL and DIAMOND. They follow the gaze of THE BISHOP, and their eyes go up.. and up.. and up. A look of astonishment goes across their faces.
INT- LARGE ROOM- DAY
The rest of the party are in here making plans. The Sandkats seem to be distraught at the loss of LUAKEL. SLINKY is sitting down, arms around her knees, and rocking back and forth in grief.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, this is the last thing we need. We’re going to have to
spend the time to rescue those two, and then get this big rig
ready to roll. No way am I leaving anyone behind on this world…
not even LUAKEL.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it!
BUBBA
Must rescue LUAKEL. He Chosen One.
SLINKY leaps to her feet and draws a crude knife.
SLINKY
And DIAMOND! He must be saved!
MATT and WEAPON M, out of her range of sight, grin at each other, and DOCTOR WHAT is obviously suppressing a smile.
DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. Both of them.
MATT
But how do we find them? This place is huge.
DOCTOR WHAT hesitates, and then takes out his scanner. He turns it on, and then punches some buttons on it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I can’t tell exactly where they are, and I’m still getting
interference from the structure. But… the life signs I do detect
are all in one direction; straight to the northwest. Let’s head
in that direction, and we’re bound to run into them.
He looks up at his team; all are armed and ready to go.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay… let’s roll.
The group walks out of the room.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY
The camera shows DAVE HOWERY tightening a bolt on the shift engines. He finishes and looks around. The camera shifts to his POV, and we see SPIDER working on a delicate piece of equipment with all four hands, two holding the case, and the other two holding a small clamp and a screwdriver. He finishes, and quickly puts the item back together and lays it on the workbench.
SPIDER
All done. What’s next?
DAVE HOWERY
Actually… that’s it. That’s all we can do without more
spare parts and raw materials. There is literally nothing
else we can fix until the team gets back. If they get back.
SPIDER
(fervent gleam in eyes)
They will get back. And then the Chosen One shall lead us to a land
of plenty, where we will have enough food and all good things in life.
DAVE HOWERY
Okay. And then what?
SPIDER
Why… we… hmmm… I don’t know. The prophecy only goes that far.
I suppose we will spend our days in health and cheer, always praising
the Chosen One for his blessings upon us.
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that sounds swell. Look, you have a knack for fixing things,
and you seem to understand pretty much all the major parts of physics.
Why don’t you spend the rest of your days trying to build up a level
of civilization? There’s a ruined city nearby, and there are probably
more around. You could fix stuff up and live like people are supposed
to live. You could be living in a real city someday, with electricity and
toilets and everything.
SPIDER
Why, that’s… a good idea. Frankly, I was kinda worried about that
whole ‘laying around and singing the praises of the Chosen One’ thing.
Sounds like it’d be boring after a while.
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, it’s good to have a goal…
EXT- REFINERY- DAY
DOCTOR WHAT and his team are seen exiting through the doors of a large building. They look around in surprise. The camera switches to their POV, and pans across an open expanse of ground. The area is filled with huge oil tanks and refinery equipment.
MATT
Well, this explains where the Snakes got their fuel.
The Morlocks have a pretty sweet setup here…
a machine shop, food, fuel…
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey… do you hear something?
The team goes quiet, and a low chanting sound can be heard from somewhere off camera. DOCTOR WHAT looks around and sees a large building at the edge of the refinery. Lights can be seen in the windows. DOCTOR WHAT points to it, and the team walks towards it. They stop at the doors, and DOCTOR WHAT quietly slides one of them open.
INT- THE CHAMBER OF THE RELIC- DAY
The camera switches to an interior view of the doors, and we see DOCTOR WHAT opening it. He looks around cautiously, and then his eyes are drawn to something off camera. His gaze goes up.. and up.. and up. The rest of the team appear in the doorway behind him, and also look up.. and up.. and up.
The camera switches to their POV. It shows THE BISHOP standing in front of the stone altar. LUAKEL is tied down to it, and another Morlock, this one with scales all over his skin, is standing by him and holding a huge machete. But all eyes in the room are drawn to the item behind the altar. It is a massive piece of artillery, probably the biggest land based gun on any timeline. It is angled up towards the ceiling, and the bore is so high, it can barely be seen in the light. A self loading limber attached to it holds six tremendous shells. The entire piece is attached to a transport trailer with a hitch. The camera switches back to the team. Most of them manage to tear their eyes away from the big gun and look around… but MATT stares at it in rapture. WEAPON M peer closely at the scene at the altar.
THE BISHOP
Rejoice, brothers! Here in the place where the sacred relic of the Great One
resides, we face our destiny! When he appears, he shall give us the wisdom
to use this mighty weapon, and it shall smite our foes! Strike, brother, and
bring on the end of days!
The scaled Morlock grins nastily and raises his machete high, obviously intending to chop off LUAKEL’S head. The camera switches to DIAMOND, who is on his knees near the altar, being held down by several more Morlocks. He closes his eyes. The camera switches back to the scaled Morlock. He is about to swing the machete, but he suddenly lurches and falls as a loud gunshot is heard.
The camera switches to WEAPON M; he has a pistol out and pointed, obviously having just fired it.
The camera switches to a wide angle view of the room. The Morlocks are staring in horror at the intruders, who are preparing their weapons. Then the room explodes into action. The Morlocks, who seem to be carrying only knives in this holy place, charge forward at the team, who fire at them. THE BISHOP and several others flee out another door.
The camera switches to DIAMOND, who is struggling to escape, but with his hands and feet tied, he is unable to. One of his guards gets annoyed and raises a knife to stab him… but SLINKY, with a loud screech, leaps on his back. The knife in her hand plunges into the Morlock’s back, and he goes down. SLINKY pulls the knife free, moves over to DIAMOND, and cuts him free; he’s staring at her with wide eyes. She smiles saucily at him as he stands up.
The camera switches back to the main battle. The Morlocks are trying to get close enough to use their knives, but most are getting shot down before they can. MATT walks slowly through the melee, staring at the big gun, oblivious to the combat around him. He walks up to the altar, hops up onto it, and hesitantly reaches out a hand to touch the gun barrel.
MATT
It’s the biggest gun I’ve ever seen. I… I think I’m in love.
He remains distracted even when the Morlocks break away and flee out the other door. He finally notices something, and looks down at his feet.
MATT
What?
LUAKEL (o.c.)
I said, you’re standing on my head!
Get off! And untie me, damn it!
The camera switches to the rest of the team, who are looking around cautiously. DOCTOR WHAT walks over to the altar and looks up at the big gun behind it.
DOCTOR WHAT
What in the hell is that thing? It looks big enough to shoot from here
to New Jersey. And a finer target than that, you couldn’t ask for.
MATT
I think it’s an anti-satellite gun. I’ve heard of plans for such things, but I’ve
never seen one actually built on any timeline. Doc, we gotta take it with us!
DOCTOR WHAT
Anti-satellite? Yeah, we do gotta take it with us… this is our way
to bust through all those satellite bullets in orbit up there. Well, let’s
go back and get the big truck and haul it away. And then back to the
machine shop. We have a lot of work to do before we can leave, and
I don’t think the Morlocks are done with us yet.
The team starts to move away, and just as the screen fades to black, MATT is heard talking off camera.
MATT
Wait… did you just insult New Jersey?
FADE TO BLACK.
INT- GARAGE- DAY
MONTAGE
The big truck is seen pulling into the machine shop, with the big gun in tow behind it.
WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are shown welding on the trailer.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen supervising the loading of the piles of supplies into the trailer bed.
DOCTOR WHAT is shown in the cab of the truck, familiarizing himself with the controls. He pushes a button, and the horn sounds, the windshield wipers move, and the stereo plays “I Touch Myself” at maximum volume. After frantically pushing buttons all over the dash, he manages to turn everything off.
MATT is seen going over all the team’s weapons, cleaning and loading them.
An exterior shot shows the sun setting on the horizon past the compound.
Back in the machine shop, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, and MATT are shown hanging heavy sheets of metal on the sides of the truck.
WALKER is seen moving silently down the dark corridor at the side of the garage.
The final montage shot shows a darkened figure, obviously a Morlock, peeking out of a dark corner of the roof, spying on the activity below. He moves away out of sight, not noticed by the busy team members.
EXT- COMPOUND- DAWN
The sun is seen rising over the ruined city.
INT- MORLOCK QUARTERS- DAWN
The surviving Morlocks are shown in a large warehouse type building. There are still 20 of them left. Most are on or standing by a motley collection of motorcycles and dune buggies, and all are armed with knives, spears, and crossbows. THE BISHOP stands on a box, haranguing them.
THE BISHOP
The wretched beings that have invaded our city will pay for their audacity!
They plan on taking away both the Great Deceiver and the holy relic! Will
you let them commit such heresy?! No!!
We will pursue them and defeat them!
And…
(evil grin)
we have allies to help us in this moment of destiny!
The Morlocks all yell and cheer, and then they hop onto their vehicles. The motors are all revved up, and then the vehicles all move off camera.
INT- GARAGE- DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is standing in the center of the team, talking to them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, troops, this is it. Every chance we have of getting back to the ship
and getting off the planet is riding with us right now. I imagine the Morlocks
are going to come after us, so stay alert, and for God’s sake, stay behind
the protections we built. Okay, everyone know what they’re supposed to do?
Everyone nods.
DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone have their weapons ready?
Everyone nods.
DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone go to the bathroom? We won’t be
able to make any rest stops out there, you know.
Everyone nods, and looks annoyed.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, now all we need…
He stops as WALKER is seen jogging into view.
WALKER
The corridor is clear. I opened the doors at the end,
so all we need to do is drive away.
DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Well… good luck everyone. Mount up!
The team members all move off. The camera pulls back, and shows the big truck and the modifications made to it. Sheets of steel have been hung all around the cab, making it an armored vehicle. The trailer is packed to the top with various supplies, all of which are palletized and chained down. Several round turrets have been built onto both sides of the trailer, obviously for defending it. The big gun is hitched to the back of the trailer, but the muzzle has been depressed flat, so as to fit into the corridor.
The team members are seen scrambling into the trailer, moving into the turrets. DIAMOND, with SLINKY right behind him, moves into a turret near the back of the cab. MATT and WEAPON M move into those on opposite sides of the center of the trailer, while the other team members move into the other turrets. The AH.COM people check over their guns one last time, while the Sandkats prepare their crossbows.
The camera switches to the cab. DOCTOR WHAT is seen climbing into the driver’s seat, while IRONYUPPIE takes the passenger seat next to him. DOCTOR WHAT puts his thumb on the starter plug.
DOCTOR WHAT
Here goes nothing.
He pushes the plug. The engine cranks for a moment and then coughs into life. It hums deeply with pure mechanical power. Diesel exhaust pours out of the twin stacks. DOCTOR WHAT sighs with relief. He puts the truck in gear; it slowly moves forward.
The camera switches to a wide angle view of the garage. The huge truck moves slowly into the corridor, and out of sight.
EXT- THE COMPOUND- DAY
The camera shows a scene outside the garage. The doors at the end of the exit corridor stand open. Several dune buggies drive into the scene and stop at the doors, and some familiar looking figures exit out of them; the Snakes. LORD ENORMOUS GUY is one of them, and he looks down the dark corridor. Another Snake walks up beside him.
SNAKE
Did the Morlocks say what they needed our help with?
LORD ENORMOUS GUY
I find your groveling to be insufficient.
He stabs the Snake in the back, dropping him instantly. The other Snakes all stare in shock for a moment, and then another approaches the leader.
SNAKE
Oh great and magnificent leader, we are all just dust under
your mighty boots! If you would deign to enlighten us poor
worthless creatures as to the purpose of our presence here in
Morlock land, we would be forever humble and in your debt!
LORD ENORMOUS GUY
That’s better. You know, the quality of the groveling around here
has gotten pretty low lately, and I’m looking for improvement. Both
quality and quantity. There’s no excuse for sloppiness when it comes to groveling.
(pause)
What were we talking about? Sheep? No! It was about the Morlocks,
wasn’t it? Yeah, that’s right. Anyway… their messenger said that intruders
had invaded their town and were trying to steal all their stuff. So, they
offered us a nice pile of goods to help stop them. And you know what
else? Do you? DO YOU? I do! Ha ha ha ha! Bananas in pajamas,
they’re coming down the stairs! Damn the voices!
(pause)
Let’s see… oh yeah. I bet these intruders are those people in that fat
metal ship that crashed out on the sand. I bet they’re here looking for
stuff to repair their ship. Well, now’s our chance for revenge! A couple
of you, come with me… let’s go down and talk to THE BISHOP.
LORD ENORMOUS GUY, followed by a couple of other Snakes, moves into the corridor. The rest stay behind, lounging around their vehicles.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT- THE GARAGE- CORRIDOR- DAY-
The camera shows the big truck moving smoothly down the dark corridor. The camera pans up to the cab, where DOCTOR WHAT is seen driving, and IRONYUPPIE, sitting next to him, wearily takes her glasses off and rubs her eyes.
INT- GARAGE- CORRIDOR- DAY-
LORD ENORMOUS GUY and his two cohorts are seen only a few feet into the corridor, when the sound of the big truck’s motor is heard.
SNAKE
That’s weird… the Morlocks don’t ever
drive down this tunnel. They usually
go out the other side.
LORD ENORMOUS GUY
Aha! It must be those damn outlanders.
Well, I’ll fix them and their wittle twuck!
He hauls a huge speargun off his back, and puts a massive spear into it. He moves tight against the wall as the truck headlights come into view. As the truck gets closer, he darts out and fires the speargun.
The camera switches to the front of the cab. The huge spear is seen smashing into the front of the truck… and bouncing off the steel plate that was hung onto it earlier.
The camera switches to a tight shot of LORD ENORMOUS GUY’S face. His eyes go wide behind the hockey mask.
The camera switches to a view of the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT is glancing in the side mirror, while IRONYUPPIE still has her glasses off. The ‘thunk’ of the spear is heard, followed by a short scream, and the truck makes a slight bump as it moves. DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE look around puzzled, and then both shrug.
The camera switches back to the two surviving Snakes in the corridor. They are looking at something on the ground off camera; both look rather green.
SNAKE #1
Damn! They squished him flat as a pancake!
SNAKE #2
Yeah. But you know… it’s really for the best. I mean, he was
really getting to be off his rocker. I mean, who goes around
talking about Bananas in pajamas anyway.
SNAKE #1
True. Uh… what is a banana?
SNAKE #2
I don’t know. What do you suppose pajamas are?
SNAKE #1
No idea.
The two look down for a moment, and then shrug and walk off camera.
EXT- THE GARAGE- DAY
The rest of the Snakes are still sprawling around their vehicles, when the roar of the truck engine is heard. The Snakes look down the corridor in curiousity for a moment, and then suddenly run towards their buggies. Most of them get them started and out of the way, but the massive truck suddenly bursts out of the doorway, and two of the buggies are crushed under it’s treads, along with the drivers.
The camera switches to the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT is looking ahead with wide eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Holy crap! It’s the Snakes again!
IRONYUPPIE
Floor it, Doc!
The camera switches back to a wide view of the truck. It puts on a burst of speed, and barrels easily through the sand, moving faster and faster. The big rig moves into the high ridges of sand surrounding the ruined city, and moves smoothly up the incline. The camera follows the truck as it moves over the ridge and moves swiftly along the level sands away from the city.
The camera switches to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who is sitting in one of the rear turrets on the trailer. He squints and raises a hand to shield his eyes, looking backwards. The camera switches to his POV. The sand dunes around the city are growing smaller in the distance, but suddenly six dune buggies pop up over the ridge and quickly close the distance as they pursue the big rig. PSYCHOMELTDOWN turns and whistles loudly to warn the others.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Heads up! The Snakes are coming after us!
WEAPON M
We got more off to the north!
The camera switches to the view north of the trailer, and eight more buggies and motorcycles are seen charging towards the trucks.
The camera switches to a close up view of one of the dune buggies. THE BISHOP rides on it, waving a crossbow.
THE BISHOP
Onward brothers! The heretics shall be destroyed this day!
The camera switches to the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE are looking in the side mirrors, watching as the two pursuing groups of nomads quickly catch up to the lumbering truck.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh fuck. We got a hell of a fight on our hands.
EXT. – DESERT –DAY
WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT
We see the rig turn to the left to shake off the Snakes and avoid being intercepted by the Morlocks. The two groups merge together and continue to pursue the rig, dust and exhaust trailing behind them.
EXT. –RIG – DAY
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(at a turret)
Here they come!
We see a dune buggy rapidly approaching the rear of the rig. PSYCHOMELTDOWN fires a few shots from a BFG at it but the buggy easily dodges the shots. It moves a bit closer and we see that there are two nomads in the buggy—one driving and the other—
CLOSE –UP: PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S widening eyes as he sees—
A nomad behind a Whaling Harpoon Gun!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Fuck!!
We see the harpoon gun fire, shooting out a 6 foot long metal harpoon at the trailer bed, a long rope trailing behind it. It impacts the trailer bed, easily going through all the metal armour. PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets out a short girlish scream, and stares wide eyed for a moment.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whimpering)
…mommy…
(his eyes glance down)
We see the harpoon sticking out of the inner side of the trailer bed—right between PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S legs, missing his crotch by mere inches.
We see the harpoon rope quickly becoming taunt-
–and the rig’s momentum literally yanks the dune buggy right off the road! It starts being dragged by the rig, crashing and tumbling behind it like an out of control waterskier! After a few seconds, the dune buggy completely falls apart, snapping the rope in the process.
We see assorted ah.commers in the trailer bed giving each other thumbs up signs and smiling.
A buggy starts pulling up along one side of the rig. Another buggy pulls up on the other side.
Meanwhile a large group of buggies and bikes are closing in on the rig from behind. All of them simultaneously fire a barrage of weapons fire.
MATT
Incoming!
The ah.commers and Sandkats duck for cover as crossbow bolts, arrows and spears crash down on and around the trailer bed.
WEAPON M
(ducking back up)
Take them out!
The ah.commers fire at the nomads. The nomads weave and dodge around most of the shots as they impact on the ground around them, kicking up dust clouds to add to the huge one already forming behind.
One buggy is too slow to react, however and gets a front wheel hit. The wheel literally separates from the buggy, flying away. For a brief moment, the dune buggy is still driving even with just three wheels! The nomads on the buggy glance down in shock and surprise, grins on their faces.
Then gravity kicks in.
The buggy flips over onto its top and continues to slide for another hundred feet before coming to a rest in front of a hill. It nudges the hill ever so slightly.
We see that the nomads in the buggy are, miraculously, still alive, if somewhat dazed. They look at each other, grinning and smiling at their good fortune.
CLOSE-UP –Small pebble on edge of side of hill
We see the small pebble slowly fall off the edge and tumble down the hill. It tumbles a few more seconds and slowly falls towards the upturned dune buggy’s gas tank.
CLOSE-UP – Dune buggy’s gas tank.
We see a small label on the gas tank.
MADE BY THE FORD PINTO COMPANY
CLOSE-UP – Pebble landing onto the gas tank with a almost imperceptible ‘ting’
The dune buggy explodes, sending a cloud of smoke and flames a hundred feet into the air.
EXT- DESERT- DAY
We see the rig still pursued by the nomads. They’re jostling each other, trying to get a clear shot at the rig.
We see a buggy trying again to come alongside the rig.
The nomads in the rear of the rig fire another barrage of weapons fire at the rig, causing the ah.commers and Sandkats to duck for cover. It’s at that precise moment that the buggy on the side fires a crossbow bolt at the rig.
POV – Crossbow bolt
We follow the bolt heading right towards (the still pantless) DIAMOND, who is bent over trying to avoid the previous barrage of weapons fire. It heads straight towards his ass and –
DIAMOND screams his pain and leaps several feet straight up, coming to a landing on top of a pallet next to him. We see the bright morning sunlight reflect off his pasty white thighs.
We suddenly see the driver in the side buggy scream and cover his eyes.
NOMAD
(screaming)
Aaaaarggghh! My eyes! The light! THE LIII-IIIIGHT!!!!
The buggy careens out of control and crashes into another buggy. The two buggies explode spectacularly, sending flames and debris everywhere. Most of the pursuing nomads manage to evade the debris.
Most—but not all.
We see a cycle try to dodge unsuccessfully out of the way and slams into a chunk of debris, causing the cycle to literally catapult over it. It cartwheels several times in mid-air and crashes onto the sand, sending its driver sprawling.
We see DIAMOND looking at the devastation with a grin on his face. He fails to notice a cyclist on the side of rig fire a crossbow bolt. He turns to his side just in time to see him shoot.
POV – Crossbow bolt
We follow the bolt heading right towards DIAMOND, his eyes widening his shock and fear, too terrified to move. He suddenly is knocked out of the way with a loud grunt. We continue to follow the crossbow bolt as it impacts into a pallet and bounces off—
–right back at the cyclist!
The bolt hits the front wheel of the cycle, practically ripping it to shreds. The cycle goes out of control and crashes a few seconds later.
EXT- TRAILER BED- DAY
We see DIAMOND and SLINKY wedged in between two pallets, obscured from view from the others. DIAMOND is on the bottom with SLINKY on top.
DIAMOND
(shocked voice)
You…you…pushed me out of the way! You saved my life!
(beat)
How can I ever repay you?
SLINKY looks at DIAMOND for a very long moment. Then she grins evilly.
DIAMOND
Oh.
SLINKY leans down and kisses DIAMOND, pressing hard against his lips. After a moment, she pulls back. DIAMOND looks back up at her somewhat dazed, his lips torn and bloody.
DIAMOND
Oh, what the hell.
He pulls her face back down to his.
EXT- RIG- DAY
We see a nomad leap from a bike onto the trailer that’s carrying the giant anti-satellite gun. He starts hacking through various ropes wrapped around the gun, obviously trying to cut it loose.
We see MATT look at this in total shock.
MATT
No!
MATT makes a spectacular jump from the trailer bed onto the gun trailer. With a loud, almost feral, scream, he tackles the nomad and starts punching him.
MATT
(punching nomad)
GET!
(punch)
YOUR!
(punch)
UGLY!
(punch)
HANDS!
(punch)
OFF!
(punch)
MY!
(punch)
SWEETIE!
(punch)
YOU!
(punch)
SON!
(punch)
OF!
(punch)
A!
(punch)
BITCH!
(punch)
OR!
(punch)
I!
(punch)
WILL!
(punch)
HURT!
(punch)
YOU!
MATT picks up the dazed and bloody nomad over his head and flings him at a nearby buggy, causing the buggy’s driver to be pinned to his seat by the unconscious nomad. The buggy spins out of control and flips over several times.
MATT turns his attention back to the gun. He’s rubbing his hands over the gun in the same manner that a distraught mother rubs her hands over a sick child.
MATT
(talking to the gun in a comforting voice)
There, there, sweetie! MATT is here for you! Did the bad, bad
LUAKEL clone hurt you? It’s ok—I’m here for you, baby….
(lays his cheek on the side of the gun while hugging it)
We notice that there are significantly less of the nomads still pursuing the rig. Only about half a dozen buggies and bikes can be seen.
WEAPON M
(lining up a shot)
Eat this!
A shot from the BFG hits a cyclist on the side, knocking him backwards off of it just as he fires a crossbow. We see the crossbow bolt fly up and come down right on—
–the cab’s side window! It crashes through the window, right over DOCTOR WHAT’s head! It lands between him and IRONYUPPIE. DOCTOR WHAT screams shrilly in fear and surprise, causing him to yank the steering wheel hard to the right—
–and crashing into a buggy that at that moment managed to drive up next to the right hand side of the rig. The front bumper of the buggy crumples and the buggy flips over onto its left side, flinging the two nomads in it onto the rig. One of the nomads manages to grasp the cab’s right hand door, the other manages to leap onto the trailer bed.
We see the nomad who managed to grab the cab’s door look up—
–into the face of a very angry looking IRONYUPPIE.
NOMAD
(terrified voice)
Oh…dear…
IRONYUPPIE flings her door open, causing the nomad to almost lose his grip. Out of sheer desperation, he leaps onto the front of the cab, scrambling for a grip on all the armour plating that has been placed on the rig’s front.
IRONYUPPIE
Fuck! Where did he go?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t know!
(looks at side window)
Fuck! Here they come again!
We see that the nomad who leaped onto the trailer bed has landed right next to LUAKEL, knocking him to the ground. The nomad looks down at LUAKEL in shock and surprise.
MORLOCK
The Great Deceiver himself! THE BISHOP will be pleased with me!
(starts strangling LUAKEL)
Die Great Deceiver! Die now—ghuuuu-uuurk!
We see a spear hit the Morlock, flinging him back. He falls in a heap and lies still, obviously dead, the spear sticking out of his chest. LUAKEL looks up to see—
WALKER, frowning slightly and looking at his hands in mild disgust.
WALKER
Such poor workmanship on their spears. I feel almost…
unclean…touching such crude things.
(kicks Morlock’s body)
By the LUAKEL, where is your sense of pride, you lazy bastard!
LUAKEL
Uh—WALKER—I think he’s already dead….
WALKER
That’s no excuse!
(keeps kicking)
EXT- RIG – DAY X
We see four assorted buggies and cycles coming up behind the rig.
BUBBA
Me have had enough of this!
BUBBA bends down and grabs a handful of spent crossbow bolts and quickly ties them together with a piece of cloth. He pulls back his arm, the ‘mega-bolt’ in his hand, and flings it at the driver of a buggy.
The ‘mega-bolt’ hits the driver and actually impales the driver to the seat. The buggy spins out of control and crashes, narrowly missing a cyclist. The cyclist puts on a burst of speed and moves a bit closer to the rig.
EXT. –FRONT OF RIG – DAY
We see the nomad who managed to leap to safety away from IRONYUPPIE earlier hanging on for dear life on the front of the cab. He pulls out a knife and starts to climb up. He pauses to take a deep breath of air—and then he leaps up—towards the windshield of the cab!
CLOSE-UP – DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE looking in shock as the nomad crashes through the windshield. Both of them scream, their screams combining with the screams of the nomad as he slams into the two of them, knocking them off-balance.. DOCTOR WHAT has his foot knocked off the gas pedal of the rig and accidentally slams it onto the brake pedal.
EXT- RIG – DAY
The rig suddenly screeches to a stop, almost knocking the ah.commers and Sandkats off their feet.
The cyclist who had put on a burst of speed to catch up to the rig suddenly slams into the back of the now stopped rig!
The bike falls away, leaving the rider splayed on the rear of the rig, like a spiderfish.
NOMAD
(very faint voice)
Ouch.
EXT. – CAB – DAY
IRONYUPPIE has managed to grasp the back of the head of the Nomad and is now mercilessly pounding his face onto the dashboard repeatedly. DOCTOR WHAT slams his foot down on the gas pedal, causing the rig to lurch forward. IRONYUPPIE flings the nomad out the windshield. The nomad flies over the hood of the cab and—miraculously—manages to grab a hold of a chunk of plating and is hanging on for dear life as the rig moves forward.
EXT- REAR OF RIG – DAY
We see the splayed nomad on the rear get thrown off by the movement of the rig. He falls in a heap on the ground, tumbling and rolling on the ground for a few seconds.
EXT. – CAB – DAY
We see the nomad still grasping the front of the cab.
DOCTOR WHAT
Bastard! Get off, you freak!
(slams down on the gas a few times)
The rig starts accelerating.
EXT. – DESERT – DAY
WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT:
We see the rig moving rapidly along the sand, trailing dust and exhaust behind. We see two dune buggies coming up behind it.
One of the buggies starts to catch up behind the rig. We see that it too has a large harpoon gun. It fires the gun—only this time it doesn’t have a rope on the harpoon.
The six foot long harpoon impales itself right into the barrel of a BFG that PSYCHOMELTDOWN was holding, knocking him to the ground and causing the BFG to fly out of his hand and hit a pallet of sheet metal. The chain holding down the pallet snaps, causing the pallet to fall against another pallet of boxes. It creates a chain reaction and a whole series of pallets crash against each other. DMA, BUBBA and BO/JO desperately dive out of the way, trying to avoid the various boxes and supplies. A large crate crashes up against the turret that WEAPON M was manning, trapping him in it. WALKER, glancing back at LUAKEL to make sure he’s ok, runs towards the Sandkats and ah.commers to help them.
The buggy moves a little closer, the nomad manning the harpoon gun loading another harpoon into it.
EXT. – FRONT OF RIG – DAY
We see the nomad desperately hanging onto the front of the rig. He has his hands clasping a large chunk of armour. We see him smiling.
CLOSE-UP: Armour plating.
We see the welding seam on the plate slowly start breaking.
With a loud crash, the chunk of armour plating the nomad was holding breaks away from the rig. The nomad, still clasping the plating, falls in front of the speeding rig with a scream.
INT. – CAB INTERIOR – DAY
We hear a loud ‘thump’ sound as the whole rig shakes as DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE look at each and grin.
EXT. – REAR OF RIG – DAY
We see the buggy getting ready to fire its harpoon.
CLOSE-UP: Harpoon Gun
We see the gun aimed right at LUAKEL.
TIGHT ON: A finger begins to squeeze on the trigger….
EXT- REAR OF RIG – DAY
We suddenly see a very flat nomad clutching a large slab of armour plating appear from beneath the rig. The driver spots the obstruction on the ground and desperately tries to swerve out of the way—
–Too late!
The buggy slams into the armour plating and flips over, the harpoon gun firing as it does. The harpoon is launched virtually straight up and flies into the sky, disappearing from view.
We see one final buggy come into view way behind the rig. We see that it is being driven by THE BISHOP. He sees the ah.commers and Sandkats digging each other out from all the collapsed pallets, too distracted in their tasks to notice him. He spots LUAKEL off to one side, alone by himself.
THE BISHOP smiles and reaches over to the side of his seat to a small cylinder. We see the cylinder is marked with the label ‘Nitrous Oxide. Danger! Use for Emergency Boost Only!’ He presses a switch and we hear a release of gas. The engine roars as it suddenly gets a boost of energy. He guns his buggy forward.
He quickly drives up next to the rig and makes a spectacular jump from his buggy onto it. His buggy continues to move forward, still being propelled by the nitrous oxide boost. The rig starts to slowly pull away from the buggy.
LUAKEL looks up to see THE BISHOP land right next to him. THE BISHOP tackles him and the two start rolling on the floor of the trailer for a few seconds. THE BISHOP manages to pin LUAKEL to the ground, their heads facing the rear of rig.
THE BISHOP
I shall have my revenge, Great Deceiver!
You will die at my hand!
LUAKEL punches THE BISHOP on the side of the head but THE BISHOP ignores it and starts choking LUAKEL. LUAKEL’s eyes start rolling backwards—and, despite being choked, a look of great confusion suddenly appears on his face.
THE BISHOP
Die Deceiver! Die!
CLOSE-UP: LUAKEL’s face
The look of confusion on his face is replaced by one of great surprise.
THE BISHOP—despite completely engrossed in his task of killing LUAKEL—notices the look on LUAKEL’s face. With an equally confused look on his face, he raises his head up…and up….and up….
We see—coming down—the harpoon that was fired earlier.
POV: Harpoon
The harpoon is falling straight down towards THE BISHOP!
CLOSE-UP: THE BISHOP’s eyes widening in fear.
THUNK!
The harpoon impacts onto THE BISHOP, impaling him and knocking him backwards over the edge of the trailer. He lands on the ground in a heap
We see THE BISHOP sprawled on the ground. He slowly manages to get up, the harpoon still impaled in his chest. With extreme difficulty, he manages to yank the harpoon out and stands there, swaying, obviously severely injured.
He looks at the rapidly receding rig disappearing over a ridge.
THE BISHOP
(weakly)
I…shall…have…my revenge…Great…
Deceiver…if…it’s…the…last thing…I…do…
A look of confusion appears on his face as we hear a strange sound. He looks behind him to see…
…his buggy—still moving rather fast thanks to the nitrous oxide boost.
Right towards him!
CLOSE-UP: THE BISHOP’s widening eyes
THE BISHOP
Oh pooh….
The Dune buggy drives straight towards the camera. We hear an extremely loud ‘THUD’.
Screen goes black.
EXT- DESERT- DAY
WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT
We see the rig drive towards the AH.COM ship. It screeches to a stop, sending clouds of dust and exhaust everywhere.
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE leap out and run towards the rear of the rig and open the rear of the trailer. The ah.commers and Sandkats leap out and quickly start unloading the rig. They are joined by a few more ah.commers who come out of the ship a few moments later.
DOCTOR WHAT
Double time people! The sooner we unload this stuff,
the sooner we get off the godforsaken rock!
DOCTOR WHAT looks around as the supplies are slowly but surely being carried into the ship. He spots MATT and WEAPON M standing near the anti-satellite gun, WEAPON M looking at it in great admiration and MATT bent over and practically fondling it. DOCTOR WHAT glances up to see DIAMOND and SLINKY in front of him, their clothes disheveled and torn but the two of them smiling.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good God—what the hell happened to you guys?
(looks closer at DIAMOND)
Hey dude—are those…those…bite marks on your neck?
SLINKY grins and lays her head on DIAMOND’s shoulder. DIAMOND grins with an embarrassed look on his face.
DOCTOR WHAT screams and places his hand over his ears.
DOCTOR WHAT
Aaaaarrrgghh! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! I’m
not listening! La la la la la la! I don’t want to know!
(turns and starts running to the ship)
Forks! FORKS! Where the hell are the god-damn forks?!?
DOCTOR WHAT runs into the ship, still screaming
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
MONTAGE
The trailer is unloaded, one pallet at a time. Some are hauled into the ship, while others are left outside to repair the hull.
In Engineering, DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are unpacking a box full of computer circuit boards.
Outside the ship, WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are seen holding sheets of metal in place while SPIDER welds them into place, using two blowtorches at once.
MATT is seen outside with the anti-satellite gun; he is securing the platform down to the ground. Every so often, he stops to hug the gun, tears rolling down his cheeks.
GBW is seen working on a computer console in the Control Room. He flips a switch, and all the computer consoles in the room light up.
G BONE is shown in the Teleporter Room, testing it. He makes several canisters appear and disappear on the pad.
A glimpse of DIAMOND’S quarters show his bed, with him and SLINKY rolling around in it under the covers. The camera mercifully pans up to the ceiling as laughter and soft moans, along with an occasional ‘Ouch!’ from DIAMOND, are heard.
The final montage scene shows DAVE HOWERY putting the cover back onto a piece of equipment in Engineering. He screws it into place, and then looks around with a smile. He puts the screwdriver back into a tool box, and stretches his arms.
EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY
The camera pans along the side of the ship, which clearly shows the results of the various patches put on it. The camera stops when it shows most of the AH.COM crew and the Sandkats, standing in two groups.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, saying ‘thanks’ for all your help doesn’t seem
to be enough, but… thanks. With both the Morlocks
and Snakes pretty much toast on the desert, you
should be able to move into that city and take it over.
Food, fuel, parts… its all yours now.
SPIDER
We should be able to get everything up and running. Heck, I bet
we can actually build some kind of civilization on this world again.
But, it’ll be a long process.
(pause)
It’s just like the prophecy said. The Chosen One
has led us to a land of milk and honey.
The camera switches to DIAMOND and SLINKY, who are standing apart from the others. DIAMOND has an incredible number of Band-aids on his neck, arms, and bare legs. The two look somewhat sad.
DIAMOND
Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? We can
show you sights like you never imagined.
SLINKY
No. My people will need me as we take over the Morlock operations.
My place is here with them, yours is there on the ship.
But I will always remember your sexy white legs.
DIAMOND
Uh… yeah.
The two embrace one last time, and then SLINKY moves away. The camera follows her as she walks, and she moves over to the big truck. The rest of the Sandkats are climbing into it, while SPIDER moves into the cab.
The camera switches back to the AH.COMMERS. LUAKEL is in the front of them, looking rather depressed. He waves at the Sandkats.
LUAKEL
So long guys! Make me proud!
The Sandkats all wave back. SPIDER fires up the truck, and it moves away, growing smaller in the distance. The camera switches to LUAKEL, who looks at it wistfully.
LUAKEL
I’m gonna miss those guys. How many
timelines are there where I get to be a god?
DOCTOR WHAT walks over to LUAKEL. DIAMOND is standing next to him, and both look rather forlorn. He claps both of them on the shoulder.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on guys, get back to your stations on the ship.
The time for high adventure and godhood is over.
Now it’s drudgery and long hours under my watchful eyes.
Most of the AH.COM crew move back through the airlock, but DOCTOR WHAT walks away from the ship. The camera switches a shot from behind him, and we see he is moving towards the anti-satellite gun. It has been set firmly on the ground and secured down with fold-out arms. MATT and WEAPON M are looking it over. MATT is sobbing uncontrollably. He looks up as DOCTOR WHAT approaches.
MATT
Are.. are you sure it has to be this way?
DOCTOR WHAT
You heard DAVE. Even if we could patch that thing to the ship’s hull,
the recoil would tear it loose, and probably take a chunk of the ship
with it. Also, it wasn’t designed to fire from a moving platform. It
has to be anchored to the ground and given precise firing coordinates.
But if it makes you feel better, remember that you’re going to be firing
the biggest gun you’ve ever seen.
MATT
(deep shuddering sigh)
Okay. But… can we come back to visit it?
DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe. But for now, let’s stick to the plan. Good luck, guys.
DOCTOR WHAT walks away, back towards the ship.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY-
Most of the bridge crew are seen at their stations. The door opens, and DOCTOR WHAT walks in. He moves over to his chair, and sits down.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, guys, this is it. LANDSHARK, status?
LANDSHARK
I’m fine, a little nervous, but not too… oh, you mean the ship.
Oh, hell. I’m not piloting this ship, GBW is.
GBW waves from the piloting suite.
Pan to where LANDHSARK is and we see him curled up in front of IRON YUPPIE’s seat.
DOCTOR WHAT pushes a button on the arm of his chair.
DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE, how’s everything down there?
DAVE HOWERY is heard on the intercom.
DAVE HOWERY
The shift engines and main engine are ready to put online. The anti-grav
units should hold up long enough to lift off. The thrusters are all good.
G BONE says the teleporter is functioning perfectly. We will have shields
too, when we get into orbit. But, we better shift to the Hub ASAP and
get some proper work done.
DOCTOR WHAT
All right. We’re ready.
(deep breath)
GBW lift off.
GBW is seen pushing a button on his console.
EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY
The camera shows MATT and WEAPON M standing by the big gun. WEAPON M has a control pad in his hand, that is connected to the limber on the gun. A series of mechanical groans is heard in the background. They turn to see the ship slowly lift off the ground. Several thrusters fire, and the ship rotates, and then point the nose upward.
WEAPON M
Here we go.
Both put on heavy ear protectors. WEAPON M pushes a button on the pad, and the limber automatically loads one of the massive shells into the gun.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY-
The room is shown at an odd angle, since the ship is pointed upwards towards the sky. Everyone has safety belts crossed over their torsos, securing them to their chairs.
DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE, bring the main engines on line. GBW, prepare to go up on
the course we plotted earlier. And for God’s sake, don’t wander off
of it; if we get in the path of that big gun, we’ll be coming right back
down again. Now, wait for the first shot…
EXT- THE PLANET- DAY-
The ship is shown in the background, slowly moving upwards as the engines fire. But MATT and WEAPON M are all eyes on the big gun. WEAPON M punches several buttons on the control pad, and the gun barrel moves slightly in response. MATT then takes hold of the lanyard. With a deep breath, he pulls it.
The camera switches to a far view of them. The gun fires with an incredible burst of sound.
EXT- SPACE- DAY
The camera shows a shot high above the earth, with dozens of the bullet satellites still inert in orbit. They suddenly come to life, red lights blinking on everywhere. But a massive explosion fills the scene. When it dissipates, a big hole has been torn in the satellite coverage.
EXT- THE PLANET- DAY
WEAPON M and MATT are looking upwards in awe. The camera switches to their POV, and we see the aftermath of the explosion high above in the sky. The two grin at each other.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it! GBW, punch it!
EXT- THE PLANET- DAY-
The camera shows WEAPON M pushing a button on the pad, and the limber loads another shell into the gun. MATT fires the gun, another shell is loaded, and he fires again.
EXT- SPACE- DAY-
Three huge explosions, just seconds apart, fill the screen.
EXT- THE PLANET- DAY
MATT and WEAPON M load and fire the last two shells, and then hastily step away from the gun.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
G BONE, they’re done! Get ‘em up here!
EXT- THE PLANET- DAY
MATT and WEAPON M appear with a loud pop.
EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY
The ship is shown climbing through the upper atmosphere.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY
The crew is seen gripping their chair arms tightly as the ship shakes while moving through the atmosphere. The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT’S POV on the view screen. At first we see typical clouds and blue sky, but both get thinner and the sky darkens, until finally the true blackness of outer space is seen, glittering with stars. The ship stops shaking and settles into smooth flying. DOCTOR WHAT takes a deep breath.
DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE, fire up the shift engines. LEO, how we doing?
LEO CAESIUS
Not bad. The big gun blasted a huge hole in the satellite net,
but there are more coming from nearby. DAVE, we need to hurry…
DOCTOR WHAT
YUPPIE, see if you can blast some of them off our tail.
EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY
The ship is seen hurtling through space above the planet. The camera pans to the rear of it, and dozens of the bullet satellites are seen pursuing it. Several particle beams fire to the rear of the ship and take out the closest ones, but many more are closing the gap. A vortex opens up ahead of the ship. The AH.COM flies into it, and the vortex closes seconds later. The pursuing satellites stop, turn, and move off camera, heading back to their orbits over the earth.
EXT- HUB SPACE- DAY
The camera opens on a familiar looking scene of the Hub of the Universe. A vortex opens, and the AH.COM moves out of it.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY
The view screen shows a view of the Hub. DOCTOR WHAT collapses back in relief. He runs a hand wearily over his face.
DOCTOR WHAT
My God, that was closer than I like. KIT, contact the usual people
and tell them we need repairs again. Damn, this is going to eat into
our working budget a lot.
HENDRYK
Yeah, but it beats the hell out of being stuck back
on that planet with those crazy nomads.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s true. Oh, what the hell… drinks are on me!
DMA
Oh my God! Doc’s buying?! To the teleporter!
With the sounds of many running feet, DOCTOR WHAT looks around to find the room empty.
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh guys, we have to dock first. Guys?
END ACT II
TAG
INT- OUROBOROS PUB- DAY
The camera pans across the pub, showing the AH.COMMERS scattered around the room at the tables, with various drinks. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting at the bar, talking to IAN.
DOCTOR WHAT
…and then we got to the vortex just one step ahead of those damn satellites.
I tell ya, we came too damn close to being stuck on that world forever.
IAN
Now that’s one of the best stories I’ve heard
in a while. And I’ve heard all of them.
(pause)
So, what’s with that bunch over there?
DOCTOR WHAT turns around to look, and the camera switches to his POV. DIAMOND, LUAKEL, and MATT are all sitting at a table together, drinks in hand, looking very unhappy, with the remains of many empty drinks on the table.
LUAKEL
I wuzsh a gawd, a freakin’ gawd. Now, I’m jusht
a kid again. Now, they’ll forget all about me.
DIAMOND
She luved my bare thighsh. Finally, I found a girl who
liked my pantlessnessh. And I had to let her shtay behind.
MATT
It wuzsh the biggest gun I ever did shee. It wuzsh sho boootifull.
And it made shush purty exploshuns. And I had to leave it behind.
Cuz DAVE shaid we couldn’t put it on the shhhip.
I hate DAVE. ……
MATT passes out, head sinking down to the table. DIAMOND bursts into tears. LUAKEL takes another sip of his drink, suddenly looks ghastly pale, and runs out of the bar, trying not to retch. The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT, who turns back to IAN.
DOCTOR WHAT
That? That’s a fallen god, a broken heart, and unrequited love for a big gun.
IAN
I… see.
(pause)
You know, with any other group, that would be weird, but with you guys…
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, we’re something , ain’t we?
INT- GARAGE- DAY-
The camera opens on a scene of the big garage in the former Morlock compound. The place is now occupied by busy Sandkats, who are looking around and cleaning up the room. PARSON suddenly steps up onto a box and harangues the others.
PARSON
Behold, brothers! Although our Chosen One has gone up beyond the stars,
he has left us a guide for his teachings! I give you… Big Busty Lesbians!
He holds up the porn magazine that LUAKEL dropped earlier in the caverns.
PARSON
This is wisdom straight from the Chosen One!
Pray along with me, brothers, as I read the holy words.
He pages through the magazine.
PARSON
Hot girl on girl action!
The other Sandkats all chant in unison.
SANDKATS
HOT GIRL ON GIRL ACTION!
PARSON
See Yolanda get some hot tongue action from Desmona!
SANDKATS
SEE YOLANDA GET SOME HOT TONGUE ACTION FROM DESMONA!
PARSON
Subscribe now! 12 issues for only $29.99!
SANDKATS
SUBSCRIBE NOW! 12 ISSUES FOR ONLY $29.99!
PARSON
And now, brothers, let me read to you from the most holy Letters section…
(pause)
“Hi, BBL, my name is WEAPON M and I had
the most amazing threesome last week….”
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS