TEASER

CAPTION SCREEN:
“And now, a public service message from AH.COM The Series.”

The camera opens on a scene of a plush decorated room with a fireplace and an easy chair. DAVE HOWERY is sitting there, tastefully dressed in a suit and tie, smiling at the camera.

DAVE HOWERY
Hi, I’m DAVE HOWERY, one of the characters on
AH.COM The Series. Our crew faces life and death
situations every week on the show. But children
face a danger every day: the temptation of rap music.
While most rap is harmless, those groups who glorify
violence, guns, drug culture, or degradation of women
should be avoided. Parents, please carefully screen
the music you allow your children to buy.

He pauses, and looks seriously at the camera.

DAVE HOWERY
And to those children who watch our show, the cast and
I wish to make a special request. Listen carefully to the
lyrics of the rap groups you hear. Even if they are popular,
if they glorify shootings or drugs, they should be avoided.
Your patronage keeps such groups in business, and leads
to an ever increasing spiral of violence.
(pause)
In fact, rap music should be avoided altogether.
Let’s face it; it sucks.

DR. WHAT’S voice is heard off camera.

DR. WHAT
What the… damn it, DAVE, you’re going off script again!
Stick to the script!

DAVE HOWERY
So, if you listen to rap music, chances are you will eventually
be drawn into the netherworld of the drug culture. Yes, you’ll
be strung out on crack and meth, and end up selling everything
you own to keep up your habit. You’ll finally be reduced to a
skeletal exhausted hobo who hangs around the bus station
offering blowjobs to strange men for handfuls of change.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, DAVE, this is totally out of line!

DAVE HOWERY
And even if you manage to avoid the drugs, you’ll probably end
up in a gang, where you’ll have to sell drugs and do drive-by
shootings. All because you couldn’t bother not listening to rap
music, no you had to be popular and fit in and listen to rap just
because everyone else did, and look where it got you now.
And furthermore…

DAVE HOWERY reaches down off camera and picks up a tiny happy kitten, just aching to be loved and petted and cuddled.

DAVE HOWERY
…if you listen to rap, this kitten will die.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh my God, he’s threatening kittens live on TV!
Get him out of there!

MATT, WEAPON M and FLOCCULENCIO rush onto the stage. DAVE HOWERY leaps to his feet, looks around frantically for a moment, and then throws the kitten at FLOCCULENCIO. It hits his face and clings to it with claws on all four paws, hissing and spitting. FLOCCULENCIO screams and runs off camera. DAVE HOWERY tries to run, but MATT and WEAPON M grab his arms and start hauling him away. As he is pulled off camera, he screams a final message at the camera.

DAVE HOWERY
Kids! Don’t listen to rap music! Your dog will get run over by a car…
your parents will give you up for adoption… your best friend will…
wait! Let go of me! No! Nooo! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The final scene shows the empty chair and stage and another caption screen comes up.[/LEFT[

This message has been approved by PSYCHOMELTDOWN”

FLOCCULENCIO runs across the screen, screaming, kitten still attached to face.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LUAKELS OF THE WASTELAND”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY & DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The camera shows a view of the Earth from low orbit. This world has a strange yellowish tint to it, not the normal blue. It appears to be covered with vast stretches of desert. The camera pans away from the planet, and shows a wormhole opening. The AH.COM emerges from it, and moves towards the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the room, showing most of the crew at their stations. It stops when it gets to DR. WHAT, sitting in the captain’s chair.

DR. WHAT
Wow, this planet doesn’t look too appealing.
LEO, what can…

LEO CAESIUS
STOP THE SHIP! NOW NOW NOW!

The crew looks shocked for a moment. Then, LANDSHARK slams his hand down on a big red button, and the ship is heard to groan as it decelerates rapidly.

DR. WHAT
LEO?! What’s going on?

LEO CAESIUS
Sorry folks, but there are hundreds of inert satellites in orbit
around the planet. I don’t want to plow into all of them.
We’ll have to pick our way through them carefully. Here,
LANDSHARK, I’ll put them on your charts…

LANDSHARK
Got ‘em. Let’s see… I think I can maneuver around most
of them, but we’re going to cut it close on a few. Okay,
I’m engaging the manual thrusters… now.

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The AH.COM is shown moving slowly towards the Earth, winding its way through dozens of small bullet-shaped satellites. All seem to be dead in space, as there are no lights on any of them. The camera moves in on one of the satellites, the one closest to the ship. As the ship moves past it, a small red light suddenly appears at the front of it. With a puff of rocket boosters, the satellite moves rapidly towards the ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT
Okay, LEO, start scanning the planet as we move in
here, but keep it quiet for now; don’t want to distract
LANDSHARK in this delicate operation.

LEO CAESIUS
As you wish. Scanning now…
WARNING! OBJECT ON COLLISION COURSE!

DR. WHAT twists some of the dials on his chair arm, and the view screen switches camera angles, until the satellite is shown clearly as it moves towards them.

DR. WHAT
What the… so the satellites
are not dead. Is it a threat?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. It is packed with high
grade chemical explosive.

DR. WHAT
Okay MATT , take it down.

MATT
Roger. Man, I love shootin’ the big guns…

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

As the satellite closes in on the ship, a particle beam lances out and destroys it. It blows up with a huge explosion.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Target destroyed. Well, that wasn’t so… uh oh.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM continues to move towards the Earth, but dozens of red lights spring into view as the other satellites in orbit wake up. At first, only a few move towards the ship, but more and more join in every second, until there are over a hundred aiming for it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
We’re in trouble folks! There are 112 impact satellites
heading towards us. Landshark, get us out of here!
Take a low earth orbit and see if you can use the
atmosphere to scrape some of them off of us!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The AH.COM puts on a burst of speed and shoots towards the earth, but the satellites are right behind it. A handful of them manage to catch the ship and make small explosions on the outer hull. The particle beam weapons on the ship fire and take out some of the satellites, but there are many more in pursuit. As the ship moves closer to the earth, the hull starts to skid on the upper atmosphere, and leaves a trail of fire behind it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera shows everyone hanging tightly onto the ship as it shudders into the atmosphere. As the satellites explode against the hull outside, the room shakes violently.

LEO CAESIUS
It’s no good! The satellites aren’t burning up!
Prepare for more impacts!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The AH.COM is fully into the upper atmosphere now, and fire is shedding off the entire hull. However, the satellites are still pursuing it. Individual ones explode at random areas around the hull, but a large cluster of them aim straight at the engine exhaust area and explode all around it. Moments later, the engines are heard shutting down.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LANDSHARK
The engines just shut down! And… we’re caught in
the planet’s gravity! We’re going down!

LEO CAESIUS
ALL DECKS. PREPARE FOR CRASH LANDING!

The camera switches to DR. WHAT. He is in his chair, gripping the arm rests tightly and gritting his teeth. After a moment, he reaches around and pulls a pair of crash belts across his torso, and hooks them into the clips at the side of the chair. The camera switches to the view screen in front of him. It shows the fire trail clearing as the ship moves lower into the atmosphere. Far below, the bright yellow flat surface can be seen rapidly approaching. As everyone grabs tightly onto something, the intercom is heard.

DAVE HOWERY
Landshark! We’re about to lose power. Level out the ship
before we do, and we might glide to a landing. Hurry!

LANDSHARK is seen struggling with the controls. As he does, the view screen shows the surface change to a horizon as the ship levels out, but the altitude is still decreasing rapidly. The land below is a flat desolate desert, void of any mountains or water. As the ship descends, the G forces begin to flatten the crew members into their chairs.

The camera switches to DR. WHAT, who is grimacing in pain, his head forced back against the headrest, and his hands gripping the armrests tightly. The camera switches back to the view screen. The ground below comes steadily closer… and closer… and finally, just before the moment of impact, the camera switches back to DR. WHAT who involuntarily throws up an arm across his face. The scene suddenly goes black, and a loud crashing/scraping sound is heard over the black.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP FROM BLACK.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

As the scene lightens up from black, the camera is focused tightly on a closed eye. The eye is seen moving under the lid, and the eyebrow above it twitches. The camera pulls slowly back, and the eye is revealed to be that of DR. WHAT. He is lying sprawled in his chair, his head resting on his shoulder; the crash belts apparently held him in place. As the camera pulls back, his hands twitch and begin to move. His head rolls over, and he opens his eyes. After looking around blankly for a moment, he shakes his head, and unhooks the crash belts. He stands up and looks around.

The camera pans across the room. There appears to be no functioning equipment other than the reddish emergency lights. All the computers are without power, and the view screen is blank. The rest of the crew members are waking and standing up as well. Amazingly, no one seems to be seriously hurt, although there are bumps and bruises all around. The camera completes its pan in a full circle ending up on DR. WHAT again.

DR. WHAT
Anyone hurt?

HENDRYK
Doesn’t look like it. So… I take it we’re down on the surface,
but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of hull damage. No power
though. That’s going to make things tough for a while.

The camera switches to the doors, which are slowly being forced open. With a final surge, the doors are pushed all the way back into the recesses. DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G BONE, KEIRA, and TORQUMADA all walk into the control room. Like the others, they look to be banged up, but no major injuries.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
JESUS CHRIST!
This is why Sharky Boy shouldn’t
be give the piloting controls!

DAVE HOWERY
Wow. Looks like we got away
without a lot of injuries. Not bad at all.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No injuries! Who cares about people getting hurt!
I just lost my entire collection of glass sheep figurines!

DR. WHAT
(shakes head)
Damn shame.
Damn shame.
(beat)
Where’s DIAMOND?

TORQUMADA
Taking care of MICHAEL. He was in the privy when
the ship hit, and he bounced around on the inside
like a pea in a tin can. You can imagine what kind
of damage all those porcelain fixtures did to him.
Not to mention the, uh, mess in general. Of course,
when you have your pants down around your ankles,
it’s hard to do much of anything in an emergency.

DR. WHAT
Words of wisdom.
(looks around the room)
Well… damn. No power, no engines, and crashed
on the surface of a desert world. Damn it, we can’t
even ask LEO to scan around for us.
(to DAVE HOWERY )
So, what’s the chances of fixing up everything?

DAVE HOWERY
Christ, Doc, I don’t even know where to begin-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(rolling eyes)
How fucking surprising.

DAVE HOWERY
(smacks Psychometldown upside the head)
The engines suffered massive damage, the power is out, and
I don’t even know what happened to the hull when we hit the
sand. Luckily, we seem to have hit pretty level, so we have a
pretty good chance of having an intact hull.
(claps Landshark on the shoulder)
That was some damn fine piloting, getting the ship leveled
out when everything went to hell.

LANDSHARK
Get your grease monkey hands off me!
That’s pure Norwegian silk you’re getting
your Neanderthal hands all over!

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
(running finger down Dave’s arm)
Who’s my little caveman?

DAVE HOWERY
(winks at Kiera)
Bite me, Angry Brit.
(to DR. WHAT)
Anyway… what we need to do first is to get the power plant up
and running. I can do that in an hour or two. And then we need
to get some people outside and look at the hull, see if there are
any fractures. Meanwhile, after the power is up again, GBW can
get LEO up and running, and he can tell us about any other
mechanical problems. But…

A worried look goes across his face.

DR. WHAT
Go on, give me the bad news.

DAVE HOWERY
Doc, we just don’t have enough material to rebuild everything
we need to fix. I have enough spare parts to fix various things
around the ship, but we’re going to have to build some from
scratch. And there’s the problem. We need computer boards,
sheet metal, all kinds of things we don’t have. We have the
tools, but not the raw materials. And this world didn’t look
like it had much of anything to salvage.

DR. WHAT
Well, it looks bad… but hey, we’ve been in tight spots before.
Okay, get the power up and running first. Once it is, LEO is
the next priority. Maybe his scanners will find something out
there we can use. Okay everyone, this is bad… really bad…
but let’s get to it and maybe it’ll all work out in the end.
(wrings hands)
Hopefully…

MATT
(whisper)
Christ, that’s the Doc’s idea of an inspiring speech?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera opens on a dimly lit scene in front of the main power plant. KEIRA and G BONE are holding emergency lanterns, while DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are looking at the plant. Both are grimy and covered with grease and oil.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, I think we fixed all the damage to the plant,
but we need something with a lot of juice to kick
start it into running. The emergency batteries and
stuff like that just aren’t big enough.

DAVE HOWERY
Hmmm… got an idea.

He walks off into the darkness for a moment, and then returns with one of his adamantium chainsaws. He puts it point down on the floor, and takes a screw cap off the end of the handle. He then reaches inside and pulls out a glass tube that is glowing weirdly green.

G BONE
What the hell is that?

DAVE HOWERY
The cold fusion battery that runs the chainsaw.
What, you didn’t think it ran on gas, did you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whispering to G.Bone)
Figured he’d use the batteries from the
“massager’he keeps in his toolbox.

G.BONE
(whispering)
Last resort, I’m guessing.

DAVE HOWERY attaches the battery to an outlet on the power plant. He backs away and nods to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who flips a master breaker. After a fitful start, the lights in engineering all turn on.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

The lights in a long corridor are shown coming on.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

LUAKEL is seen in here with a flashlight, rifling through one of the Doc’s sock drawers. He pulls out a lurid magazine with the title “Big Busty Lesbians!” and starts looking through it. The lights come on, and LUAKEL looks around guiltily, then shoves the magazine into his shirt and runs out of the room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

With a rising whine, the emergency lights go out and the regular lights turn on. The crew stops the cleanup they are doing and look around happily. However, the computers still are off.

DR. WHAT
Well, that’s half the battle won. Now, GBW, get down to
the computer core and get LEO rebooted and running.
Meanwhile, I’m going to form up people into parties to go
out and check over the hull for damage. When I get
organized, let’s meet down in the airlock chamber.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- AIRLOCK CHAMBER- DAY

This room is fairly small, but very sturdy and clear. The large pressure door leading into it is open, and there are two groups of people in the room. One consists of DR. WHAT, HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK, and IRONYUPPIE. The other is DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, DMA, and LUAKEL.

DR. WHAT
Okay, group one, my group, we’ll walk around the front of
the ship and check out the hull there. Group two, you guys
take the back half of the ship. Take good notes about
anything that looks damaged, anything at all.

He puts his hand on the handle to open the outside pressure door.

DR. WHAT
Everyone ready?

At their nods, DR. WHAT turns the handle and pulls the door inward. Bright sunlight pours in through the door. The two groups of people move through the door and exit the ship.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP –DAY

We see a gigantic gully of torn-up bushes and disturbed earth and rock. At the end of the gully is the AH.COM ship, looking relatively intact. Smoke and dust clouds are slowly billowing away from the area. A few flames can be seen flickering here and there amidst all the wreckage.

We see several figures come out of a door on the side and look around.

CLOSE-UP

We see that the figures are DR. WHAT, HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK , IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, DMA, and LUAKEL .

TIGHT ON- DOCTOR WHAT

He looks around the horizon.

SLOW PAN—

We see nothing but rock and sand and the occasional desert shrub or grass for as far as the eye can see in every direction. A few hills and rock outcroppings can be seen here and there.

LANDSHARK
God—what a desolate wasteland.

DMA
Heh! Reminds me of the Great Sandy Desert
from back home in Australia!

LANDSHARK
Like I said—desolate wasteland.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay people! Group one with me!

DOCTOR WHAT walks towards the front of the ship. HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE follow him a few seconds later. DIAMOND walks off towards the rear of the ship, FLOCCULENCIO, DMA and LUAKEL following behind him.

DMA
Begging your pardon, DIAMOND mate but…
shouldn’t you be wearing your pants?

DIAMOND
I am a free man! Never shall I wear them! Never!!!

DMA
Fair enough mate—it’s just that the sun is reflecting off your
pasty white thighs and the light is hurting my eyes.

The rest of the gang nod their heads in agreement. After a few seconds they all put sunglasses on and continue onwards.

EXT. – REAR OF AH.COM SHIP –DAY

We see DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, and DMA waving various scanners along the hull. They’re reading out various scanner displays to LUAKEL , who’s busy scribbling them down.

FLOCCULENCIO
…hairline fractures on secondary intake valve…

DIAMOND
…Some minor damage to primary hull platings
on sections 37, 41 and 52 to 58 inclusive….

DMA
…Oh my god!…

ALL
What? What?!

DMA
The entire supply of our Mountain Goat
Surefoot Stout has leaked into the ground!
(collapses to his knees)
(starts pounding the ground with his fists)
(screaming)
Why? Why?! Oh by the Holy Sheep, why?!
(starts sobbing)

The others stare at DMA for a few seconds and then shrug their shoulders. They go back to work.

CLOSE-UP
Behind LUAKEL unseen by him or any of the group, we see a patch of sand shift and ripple for a few seconds—as if something underneath it moved….

EXT. – FRONT OF AH.COM SHIP –DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE. They too are waving various scanners along the hull of the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at a display on his scanner)
Not bad. Not good either but not totally bad.
It could have been a lot worse.

LANDSHARK
Well—can we get off this rock or can’t we?

DOCTOR WHAT
Depends on whether or not we can find all those
spare parts that DAVE needs. But if we can, we
don’t have to worry about the hull too much.

Behind the two of them, we see IRONYUPPIE shake her head and look behind her with a look of annoyance and confusion. She glances all around, looking more and more concerned as she does so.

HENDRYK
What is it?

IRONYUPPIE
Thought I heard something…

DOCTOR WHAT
Like what?

IRONYUPPIE
Not sure. Sounded like…like….thunder?

The AH.commers look around in concern and confusion.

EXT. – REAR OF AH.COM SHIP –DAY

DMA is still on the ground, whimpering slightly. A few mumbled words and phrases can be heard. The rest seem to be finishing up their scans.

DIAMOND
Ok kid—tell DAVE the results so we can go back inside.

LUAKEL reaches around into his back pocket when—

A dozen figures erupt out of the ground behind the AH.commers!

Before the AH.commers can even begin to react, the figures (almost completely obscured under heavy robes and head coverings) throw large sacks over the AH.commers and quickly yank them back into the holes in the ground they came from. In less than five second, the figures and the AH.commers are gone.

EXT. – FRONT OF AH.COM SHIP –DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are scanning the horizon.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t see anyth—

We suddenly hear loud rumbling sounds. Erupting from behind several hills and rock piles are a motley collection of vehicles.

The vehicles look vaguely like cars, dune buggies and motorcycles—but it’s obvious that they appear to be the kind of stuff you’ll find in junkyards. A few even look like they were put together from whatever parts happened to be lying around.

All of the vehicles are being ridden by a collection of even more motley figures. They, too, appear to be covered from head to toe in clothing—only there seems to be a heavy preponderance of leather and bondage gear among the styles of clothing. All are wearing hoods that mask their faces.

All of them are armed with crossbows, spears, guns and assorted other weapons—all of them looking like they were hand-made or scavenged as well.

There is a figure in the lead dune buggy. He is a large, muscular man and is wearing nothing except leather shorts and a full-face hockey mask that obscures his face. He’s waving a large trident in one hand.

MAN
Onwards my pack! Take no prisoners!

DOCTOR WHAT
HOLY SHIT!!

The AH.commers turn and run towards the entrance as crossbow bolts, spears and several bullets hit the ground all around them.

We see DOCTOR WHAT stop a few feet from the entrance.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey—where the hell are the rest of the guys? I don’t see them!

IRONYUPPIE
Move your ass! We’ll worry about them later!

IRONYUPPIE practically drags DOCTOR WHAT with her as the rest of the AH.commers rush towards the entrance. The Air Lock Door closes with a clang just as a barrage of weapons crash into it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- AIRLOCK CHAMBER- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, TORQUMADA, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE in the room, panting heavily from exertion. We see DOCTOR WHAT blink a few times, then slowly move his hand up to his afro.

We see a crossbow bolt stuck in it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(yanking out the crossbow bolt)
Right.
(hits intercom button)
DAVE—we have another problem….

INT. – DARK CAVERN SYSTEM –NIGHT

We see a very large cave with numerous exits leading out of it to other caves. Several torches (one or two appearing to be made out of large thighbones) are on the walls. There are numerous campfires scattered around the cave. Most of them appear to have unidentifiable slabs of meat or pots filled with bubbling disgusting looking liquids cooking on them.

Huddled around many of the fires are over a dozen figures. All of them seem to be dressed in a hodge-podge of materials like furs, skins, cloth and various items of clothing. They, too, have all their heads and faces covered. One of them turns and looks at a side entrance and gives a shout.

We see a dozen figures—dressed the same as the others—come into the cave. They are dragging four large sacks. With a triumphant shout, they place the bags in front of one of the larger fires. They open up one of the bags and DMA falls out.

DMA
Hey! What the-
(he stops and looks at all the figures around him)
Oh shit.

The figures are poking and prodding DMA, making vaguely approving noises.

They open up another bag, spilling FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
By the Buddha! What the —oh fuck.

The figures are poking and prodding FLOCCULENCIO, nodding a bit more forcibly and making slightly more approving noises.

Third bag opens, spilling DIAMOND

DIAMOND
Motherfucker! What the hell is –
(looks around)
Goddamnit!

The figures are poking and prodding DIAMOND, nodding very forcibly. One of the figures pokes and prods DIAMOND’s thighs. A ripple of extremely loud approving shouts erupts from the group. The figure that had captured DIAMOND gets a few friendly slaps on the back. Two or three of the figures are rubbing their hands in glee. Several others are pulling out sharp knives.

The fourth bag is opened to reveal—

LUAKEL
Hey! What the—

A gasp of shock comes from the figures as they all fall silent as they stare at LUAKEL in astonishment. They stare for a few seconds in silence—then, as one, they all fall to their knees and prostrate themselves in front of LUAKEL .

One of the figures speaks up.

FIGURE
(in awed and astonished voice)
THE ONE!

All of the figures start chanting ‘The One’ over and over again.

LUAKEL
(looking around in complete confusion)
Uh—what’s going on?

The figure who had spoken before slowly gets up and speaks.

FIGURE
I am PARSON. We are the Sandkats tribe. It is…
is…to have The Chosen One appear to our tribe…it…it…
(his voice breaks, obviously overcome with emotion)
What is your bidding, Oh Chosen One?

DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, and DMA are observing all this with various degrees of annoyance, shock and confusion. LUAKEL just stares around, still very confused.

LUAKEL
Who are you guys?

PARSON
For The Chosen One—we shall reveal our inmost selves!

PARSON and all the other figures start ripping away at the face coverings. Slowly, one by one, they look up and face the AH.commers.

REACTION SHOT – DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, DMA and LUAKEL reacting with shock and amazement.

CAMERA TURNS TO SHOW—

The SandKat Tribe all have the same face.

LUAKEL’S face!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The camera shows us a wide angle shot of the ship on the ground. Dozens of rattletrap motorcycles and dune buggies are driving around the crashed ship. The riders can be seen waving crossbows and spears; every so often, they shoot a volley of bolts at the hull, but they do no damage.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and his team walk into the room, looking rather disheveled. The rest of the crew are listening to the thumps of the crossbow bolts hitting the ship and the revving of the motors.

MATT
Doc, what the hell is out there? How the hell did you manage
to piss someone off on this godforsaken rock? How did you
manage to find someone to piss off, for that matter?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a gift. Actually, I have no idea who the hell they are, but
they don’t look friendly. They’re armed with a bunch of nasty
medieval looking gear, and they wear more leather than KIT does.

KIT
Really?!

He starts to run out of the room with an excited look on his face, but MATT holds him back.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, with the power back up, we can at least get a good look at them.

He walks over to his chair and punches some buttons on the arm rest. The view screen lights up, showing a scene in front of the ship. Several motorcycles and buggies are seen flashing by as they circle the ship. DOCTOR WHAT pushes several buttons, and the view screen cycles through several camera views. It stops on a scene that shows the huge leader of the nomads. DOCTOR WHAT zooms in on him, and he can be seen clearly. The man is tall and has massive muscles. He still wears the hockey mask, but his head behind it can be seen to be bald and misshapen, with odd lumps and bumps. He is standing in his buggy with a microphone in his hand. He looks around as another hooded nomad (WEEZ) rides up on a motorcycle and stops in front of him. This nomad wears an incredible collection of leather and bondage gear, emphasizing black straps with steel buckles, and has a tall Mohawk haircut. The second nomad argues with the huge leader about something for a moment, and then drives away angrily. The leader then puts the microphone near his mouth and starts speaking, his free hand making angry gestures.

MATT
What do you suppose that goober is yakking about?

DOCTOR WHAT
Let me find the sound…..

He pushes a button, and the roar of the engines outside is suddenly heard…

EXT – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The camera is on the huge nomad leader as he speaks into the microphone; his words are broadcast over a set of loudspeakers mounted on the roll bar of his buggy.

LEADER
You dare to defy my vast hordes! You lock yourself away
in that vast metal ship away from me! So much valuable
metal, and you think you can keep it from us! We can take
it from you! We are the Snakes and we always conquer!
So say I, the LORD ENORMOUS GUY! If you try to fight
us, we will slay you all! Your men shall be sacrificed to the
dark gods, your women will fill our bellies, and your sheep
shall be dressed in wigs and dance for our amusement!
Ha ha ha! Damn the voices in my head, get out get out!
(pause)
Where was I? Oh yeah… and if you do not surrender your
ship, we will chop our way inside and kill you all! All that you
have will belong to us! But……it does not have to be this way.
Just walk away from that big fat ship full of metal and parts.
Go into the desert and do not come back.
We will not bother you.

He reaches down into his vehicle and pulls out a big hourglass. He turns it over and the sand starts pouring down to the bottom.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
You have one hour to leave! Do not force us to attack you!
We are the Snakes! We always win! Tora Tora Tora and
skippedeedoodah too! Yeah that’s right, you heard me!
Damn it, why do the voices make me say such things?!
(pause)
Let’s see… oh yeah. One hour!
Be gone by then or face our mighty wrath!

He sits back down in his buggy, and his nomads ride around the ship, screeching and yelling.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and the crew are looking at the view screen with disbelief.

MATT
(sarcastically)
Well, that wasn’t insane or anything….

DOCTOR WHAT
Do they have the ability to really do anything to the ship?

THANDE
Well… if we let them just do as they please, chances
are they could find some cracks in the hull to exploit.
Yeah, the hull is super-dense titanium/steel, but it isn’t
indestructible. They might just find a way to bust through it.
(pause)
You know though… these guys have motorbikes and
dune buggies. And petrol. They have to be getting
this stuff from somewhere. So, there has to be a source
of technology, manufacturing, and refining out there
somewhere.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s true! Well, once LEO is up and running,
maybe he can find that source for us.
(pause)
Okay, let’s make sure that they can’t get to us before then.
MATT , WEAPON M, gather up everyone we can spare and
arm them. You won’t be able to use the engineers or GBW…
we need them to finish up the repairs. Or TORQUMADA either…
he’ll be standing by in the Med Bay. Everyone else, arm them.
Use the manual releases on the portholes and shoot out of them.
Keep them away from the ship.
(pause)
Oh… did the second team ever turn up? I didn’t see
any sign that these nomads captured them.

IRONYUPPIE
No. They haven’t reported in on any deck.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap! Where could they be?

ACT I

ACT II

INT. – SANDKATS CAVERN SYSTEM –NIGHT

In addition to PARSON, there is about half a dozen members of the Sandkats still in the caves. Many of the Sandkats have not only removed their face coverings but have loosened or removed some of their body coverings as well, allowing us to see them a bit more clearly. The AH.commers are now sitting near one of the campfires; each of them holding a bowl of a disgusting looking slop in their hands. DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO, and LUAKEL are looking at the bowls dubiously. DMA is wolfing down his bowl with great enthusiasm. The Sandkats are looking at LUAKEL in great expectation—obviously waiting for him to give them his opinion of the food. LUAKEL takes a small sip of his bowl—and stops suddenly, his eyes crossing and he starts to look positively ill. With great willpower, he slowly swallows the sample he had in his mouth. He grins sickly.

A loud murmur of approval ripples through the Sandkats.

PARSON turns to the AH.commers. We notice that he has a very noticeable humpback and has very pale skin and pink eyes but is otherwise almost identical to LUAKEL.

PARSON
Allow me to introduce our tribe. First our chief, BUBBA!

We see a huge massively muscled LUAKEL. He has two boar-like tusks on either side of his mouth. He grunts in acknowledgement.

PARSON
And his lovely wife-MOMMA!

MOMMA is a fat ugly femaleLuakel with 6 sagging breasts. We can see several LUAKEL infants hanging from them, gurgling contently. MOMMA gives a little wave.

PARSON
And WALKER—our greatest scout and hunter!

WALKER is a tall, lean LUAKEL wearing the remnants of an US military combat uniform. He has various scars on his face, neck and arms. He also has three eyes—one in the center of his forehead. One of the scars on the arms seems to be oozing blood.

LUAKEL
Hey—you’re bleeding.

WALKER
(looking down at scar)
(grunting)
I ain’t got time to bleed.

WALKER pulls out what looks like a staple gun and applies it to the scar that’s bleeding. There’s a series of ‘thonk’ sounds and he puts away the staple gun. The scar is now stapled shut and no longer bleeding.

LUAKEL
(staring in shock)
Ooooooooo-kay……

PARSON
And this is SLINKY.

SLINKY is a Luakel female who is actually very curvy and pretty. She shyly smiles slightly at DIAMOND

DIAMOND
(smiling slightly)
(talking to FLOCCULENCIO)
You know—she actually looks kind of hot.

FLOCCULENCIO
(looking at DIAMOND in disbelief)
Dude—she’s a female version of LUAKEL!

DIAMOND
So? She’s still pretty hot.
(grins at SLINKY)

SLINKY grins as well—revealing a mouth full of jagged shark-like teeth. She winks at DIAMOND, blowing him a little kiss. DIAMOND looks a little ill. FLOCCULENCIO grins and starts humming a song that sounds like Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’.

PARSON
This one is BO/JO

BO/JO is a two headed LUAKEL.

RIGHT HEAD
I’m BO!

LEFT HEAD
No you idiot! I’m BO! You’re JO!

RIGHT HEAD
Since when?

LEFT HEAD
Since always!

RIGHT HEAD
That’s not the way I remember it!

LEFT HEAD
That’s because I’m the one with the brains!

RIGHT HEAD
Now see here, there’s no
need to be abusive, you moron!

LEFT HEAD
I’m the moron?! I wasn’t the one who
accidentally shot off our right pinky finger!

RIGHT HEAD
Ha! Well—I wasn’t the one who forgot it was
loaded so what does that make you, hmmm?

LEFT HEAD
Why you little—

PARSON coughs loudly, shushing them both. BO/JO give each other dirty looks but remain quiet.

PARSON
And finally—our resident fixer-upper, SPIDER!

SPIDER looks identical to LUAKEL in all respects except one—he has four arms.

SPIDER
(waving with all four arms)
Honor to meet you, Sir!

LUAKEL
Uh, nice to meet you too.
(turning to PARSON)
Where’s the rest of the tribe run off to?

PARSON
To get food and supplies for the big feast we are
holding in your honor tonight, Oh Chosen One!
I do hope that the small snacks we have given
you for now have met with your approval?

LUAKEL turns to face DMA, who has at this point completely finished his bowl. DMA turns to look at DIAMOND and FLOCCULENCIO.

DMA
You’re gonna finish that?

DIAMOND and FLOCCULENCIO shake their heads and hand him their bowls. DMA eagerly devours their contents.

LUAKEL
(turning back to face PARSON)
Yes—very much so. What’s in it, by the way?

PARSON
Oh! A wondrous recipe passed down from
generation to generation since the time of
the Great Banishment! It contains boiled
spiders, crushed maggots, fermented bat milk,
pickled slugs, grounded rat bones and
spiced snake eyeballs.

LUAKEL, DIAMOND and FLOCCULENCIO start turning green. DMA looks up from his bowl and contemplates this for a few seconds.

DMA
(shrugging shoulders)
Meh—still tastier than Vegemite.
(goes back to eating)

LUAKEL
I see…
(beat)
Wait—the Great Banishment?

PARSON
Yes. Many years ago, all of us were sent here to this world.
We do not know why we were sent here—but obviously it
must be that we offended the Gods in some way because of
our deformities. We remember the great circle of light that
brought us here. It is said that the circle returns every so often
and deposits another deformed LUAKEL onto the sands.
Until now, all have been hideously deformed in some way.

All the Sandkats bow their heads in shame.

PARSON
But we have a legend. It is written that one day, The Chosen One—
a perfect LUAKEL—will appear to us. The Chosen One will forgive
us of all our sins and embrace us into his tribe and lead us to the
Promised Land, a land overflowing with Milk and Honey.
(beat)
(smiling)
Never did I think that that day will arrive
in my lifetime! All hail the Chosen One!

SANDKATS
(chanting)
All hail the Chosen One!

DIAMOND
(muttering under his breath)
Oh for fuck’s sake…

PARSON looks at DIAMOND with hostility in his eyes.

PARSON
(angry voice)
Are you mocking the Chosen One?

All the Sandkats growl, pull out sharp knives and advance towards DIAMOND, DMA and FLOCCULENCIO.

LUAKEL
(quickly)
Wait! Wait! Don’t kill them! It’s ok!

PARSON
(confused voice)
You…you do not want us to kill them, Oh Chosen One?

LUAKEL
Yes—that’s right! No eating them!

WALKER is holding a knife at FLOCCULENCIO’s throat.

WALKER
Not even this one? It’s been ages since I’ve had Indian food….

LUAKEL
Yes—even that one! No eating! Okay?!

PARSON
Very well—the wishes of the Chosen One will be followed.

The Sandkats step away from the AH.commers—all except SLINKY, who’s caressing DIAMOND’s thighs with a look of lust on her face.

SLINKY
(dreamily voice)
Mmmmmmm….so white and pasty looking…
so pretty…so sexy…so very, very sexy…

PARSON
SLINKY!

With a look of great disappointment, SLINKY steps away from DIAMOND. She blows him another kiss as she does so.

DMA
Wait a minute—I’ve figured all this out! Guys—remember
those religious lunatics who were going around destroying
LUAKELs in every timeline? They were convinced that
some group out there was using LUAKEL clones to destroy
the multiverse? You ever stop to think that maybe they were
right? And if they ARE right—then what would you think that
group would do with all the defective clones that are made?

LUAKEL
(sudden realization)
Oh God…no….

DIAMOND
(horrified voice)
You mean…not just the Sandkats…
but the whole planet…is…is…

FLOCCULENCIO
(nearly weeping)
The Planet of the LUAKELs!!

DIAMOND
(quiet voice)
I think I peed my pants.

DMA
Ummm..you’re not wearing any pants…

DIAMOND
(whimpering)
I know…..

FLOCCULENCIO
We have to tell the rest of the guys about this!

LUAKEL
(blinking)
Hey—I almost forgot! I still have my communicator!

LUAKEL reaches to pull out his communicator. As he does so, the ‘Big Busty Lesbians’ magazine he took falls out of his pocket and onto the ground. He nor any of the AH.commers notice it falling.

LUAKEL
Hey DAVE! You there? Oh man—have we got some news to tell you….

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the room and shows DOCTOR WHAT sitting in his chair, looking at the view screen. We also see MATT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, HENDRYK, and THANDE standing in a tight group. All are armed to the hilt with pistols, BFGs, bolters, and plasma guns. MATT is giving them a pep talk.

MATT
Okay troops. This looks grim, I know, but really, all
the advantages are on our side. They have to get
through the hull to us, and we can blast them at our
leisure through the portholes. If we can kill enough
of them, they’ll probably give up and go home. The
main thing is, don’t panic. Pick your targets, aim
carefully, and lead them a little. Don’t waste ammo
blasting everything in sight. Okay. Everyone take
positions where I told you, and let’s get set. We’ve
got about five minutes before that big loony’s time
limit runs out. Give ‘em hell, AH.COMMER’S!!

Everyone cheers enthusiastically for a moment, and then all but DOCTOR WHAT and MATT leave the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, this isn’t as bad as it looks, huh?
That’s good, I was pretty worried.

MATT
No, it’s not that bad. It’s worse. They outnumber
us about 20 to 1, and we can’t cover all sides of
the ship at once. Hell, we can’t cover the stern
at all. And we’re still short the four people in group
two. If these leathered up idiots manage to find
a way inside, I don’t know how we’ll be able to
beat them back.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. Well… do you think if we threw them KIT
as a sacrifice, they might go away?

MATT
I doubt it, but I’d certainly be willing to try.
Heads up, Doc, I think it’s about to start.

DOCTOR WHAT turns back to the view screen, where LORD ENORMOUS GUY is seen.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

LORD ENORMOUS GUY is looking at the hourglass. The last few grains of sand trickle down to the bottom. He looks up angrily at the ship.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
So be it.

He picks up an air horn and lets loose a loud long blast. All around him, the other nomads scream their warcries and fire up their engines.

The camera switches to a high overhead shot, showing the AH.COM on the desert below. The nomads, tiny in comparison, are seen motoring towards the ship at high speed, from every direction.

The camera switches to a rear view of one nomad on a motorcycle. He is screaming and moving at the ship at maximum speed. One of the portholes on the ship is seen ahead of him.

The camera switches to a close view of that porthole. IRONYUPPIE is seen behind it. She grins, and looks down for a moment. The glass over the porthole swings aside, and she aims a gun barrel through it.

The camera switches back to a rear view of the nomad, still driving at high speed towards the ship. Suddenly, the fiery blast of a plasma gun shoots out and overwhelms the nomad. The man and bike catch fire, and the motorcycle explodes.

The camera switches back to the ship and IRONYUPPIE’S porthole. A burning wheel rolls forward, thumps into the side of the ship, and falls over.

The camera switches to another nomad in a dune buggy who is speeding alongside the ship and firing his crossbow at it. The camera stops on another porthole. WEAPON M rises up into view and looks out. He opens the porthole, and brings up a long barreled sniper rifle.

The camera switches to a ‘scope view.’ The crosshairs move quickly with the nomad in the buggy.

The camera switches back to WEAPON M, who takes a deep breath, holds it, and fires.

The camera switches back to the dune buggy. The bullet hits a front tire, which collapses, and the front of the buggy plows into the sand. It hits a half-buried rock, and the buggy flips up into the air, turns end over end three times, and lands upside down with a crash, squashing the nomad beneath it.

The camera moves again to a view high overhead the ship. The nomads can be seen circling the ship. At scattered places around the hull, plasma bursts are seen moving out to incinerate nomads, while gunfire is heard from rifles and BFGs, along with the occasional bursts from bolters. The nomads are steadily being brought down before they can even get close to the ship… except for one area.

The camera switches to a rear view of the ship, showing the massive engine exhausts. WEEZ and 3 other nomads on motorcycles ride into view. They stop, look up at the exhausts, and then hop off their bikes and climb into the exhausts, moving out of sight.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in his chair with both hands clapped tightly over his ears. The reason why is obvious when the camera pans over to MATT . He is standing at an open porthole with a BFG in each arm, and is firing both at the nomads outside.

MATT
Take that, you bastards! Yeah, how do you like that, asshats!
Oh yeah, here’s a little something for you over there! What’s that?!
You don’t like it?! Well, here’s some more! Ha ha ha!!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G BONE, and KEIRA are all seen in here. The girl is holding a box full of tools, while the others are working frantically on various pieces of equipment. All except DAVE HOWERY are carrying pistols at their belts. The sounds of the attack outside can be dimly heard… engines being revved, crossbow bolts hitting the hull, etc.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it, I don’t see any way to bring the weapons
back online. There’s just too much damage and
we don’t have the parts to repair them.

DAVE HOWERY
Me neither. The computers that control the particle beams are all
fried, and the missile bays are all offline… every damn one. A lot
of the weapon bays are half buried in the sand… couldn’t bring
them to bear on these biker boys anyway.

The camera switches to a far shot of the group. In a darkened corner at the far side of the room, a pressure door opens, and WEEZ peers out. He silently crawls out, and the other three nomads sneak in behind him. They stand and creep towards the engineering group, unnoticed for the moment. The four all pull out steel boomerangs and prepare to throw them. The movement draws KEIRA’S eye, and she screams at the sight of them. The three engineers all whirl and stare in surprise for a moment. Then, everyone explodes into motion. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE draw their pistols, DAVE HOWERY runs towards a nearby table upon which his chainsaw is sitting, KEIRA hastily backs away, and the four nomads throw their boomerangs.

The camera switches to G BONE, who ducks a boomerang and fires a shot that brings down a nomad. However, the boomerang curves back and hits him in the back of the head. G BONE goes down with a thud.

The camera switches to PSYCHOMELTDOWN , who looks panicked. He fires hastily in all directions, and everyone else in the room hits the floor as bullets go ricocheting in all directions.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it, PSYCHO, it’s aim first, then shoot!

One of the nomads goes down, hit by a ricochet. WEEZ leaps and lands right in front of PSYCHOMELTDOWN who aims and pulls the trigger, but it clicks on an empty chamber.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(pulling trigger and nothing happening)
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me!

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY , who is squaring off against the last nomad. He swings the chainsaw around, sawing right through the nomad’s club and the nomad too. WEEZ hears this, and shoves PSYCHOMELTDOWN viciously away, and then charges over towards DAVE HOWERY, who squares off against him. The two circle each other warily for a moment, and then start swinging. DAVE HOWERY is jabbing and lunging with the chainsaw, but WEEZ, who is carrying a steel club, is too fast, and dodges every time.

At this inopportune moment, a comm unit at DAVE HOWERY’S belt crackles into life. LUAKEL can be heard on it, saying “…DAVE? You there? Have we got some news to tell you…”

With a curse, DAVE HOWERY fences with the chainsaw in one hand and grabs the comm unit with the other, speaking into it as he faces WEEZ.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it, LUAKEL, we’re under attack! I’m a little busy right now…

Unfortunately, the distraction is all it takes. WEEZ darts in and slams the club against DAVE HOWERY’S head. He goes down hard.

INT. – SANDKATS’ CAVERN SYSTEM- DAY

LUAKEL is listening to the comm unit with puzzlement. On it, DAVE HOWERY’S brief reply is heard, along with the roaring of the chain saw for a moment, and then a high pitched girlish scream that is suddenly cut off.

LUAKEL
Uh oh! It sounds like KEIRA is in trouble!

DIAMOND
No, that was PSYCHOMELTDOWN. But yeah,
sounds like there’s trouble back at the ship.

LUAKEL
We have to do something!

He looks around frantically at the people in the cave.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera shows us PSYCHOMELTDOWN lying on the floor, a big lump on his head; he’s not moving. The camera pulls back and shows WEEZ standing over him, club in hand. He looks around and sees KEIRA cowering in terror against the wall. He stalks over to her, a grin showing through the mask on his head.

WEEZ
Ah, pretty pretty girl. Soon, you be roasting over a fire, tasty tasty girl,
chops and roasts and fat dripping into the flames…

A look of fury goes across KEIRA’S face.

KEIRA
I’m not fat!!

She headbutts WEEZ right on the nose. He howls and grabs his nose, bending over in pain… leaving him open to a perfectly timed kick to the groin. WEEZ goes down hard.
The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is slowly coming back to consciousness. He opens his eyes and shakes his head. He hears a repetitive thudding sound, sits up, and looks around.

The camera switches back to KEIRA. She is viciously kicking WEEZ in the ribs, as he lies on the ground, one hand over his bleeding nose, the other holding his groin. He moves feebly as each kick lands.

KEIRA
Just because (kick) a girl gains a (kick) couple of pounds (kick)
doesn’t give you (kick) the right (kick) to (kick) call (kick) her
(kick) fat!! (Kick kick kick)

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY who is looking at her in amazement.

DAVE HOWERY
Watch it, honey, he’s getting back up! Shoot him!

The camera switches back to WEEZ, who is indeed struggling to his knees. KEIRA looks at the pistol on her belt as if she had forgotten about it, takes it out, and empties it into the nomad’s back. WEEZ goes down for good.

The camera switches back to the three engineers, who have all recovered; they are staring at her in wide-eyed shock. DAVE HOWERY walks over to her and slowly takes the pistol out of her hand. She looks at him with worry in her face.

KEIRA
Tell me the truth… am I getting fat?

DAVE HOWERY
What?! Hell no!

KEIRA
Am I too skinny?

DAVE HOWERY
No, you’re just fine as you are.

KEIRA
Will you still love me if I do get fat?

DAVE HOWERY
Every bit of you.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(low voice)
Damnation, I’d rather be dead
than listen to this lurvey durvey BS.

G BONE
(low voice)
Hey, she just shot a guy in the back…don’t let her hear you.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The camera shows LORD ENORMOUS GUY looking at the battle, and seemingly displeased. The camera switches to his POV, and we see the ship with the nomads still circling around it, but there are dozens of bodies around it too. Columns of smoke mark where nomads were incinerated by plasma gun fire, and gunshots are still heard coming from the defenders. The camera switches back to LORD ENORMOUS GUY. He pulls out the air horn again and sends out two short bursts on it. At that signal, the nomads break off the attack, and move out of range.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera shows MATT still at his porthole, a BFG in hand. He stops firing, looks intently out the window, and then turns to DOCTOR WHAT. His face is nearly black from powder smoke.

MATT
Hey, Doc, looks like they’re pulling back.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, but I bet they aren’t done yet.

He swivels the dials on his chair, and the view screen shows a panning view of the area around the ship, and the bodies of the nomads there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… this one cost them. Now, either they’ll
get discouraged and go home or they’ll just
really get pissed off and try something new.

MATT
With our luck, guess which option we’ll get.
I’m going to walk around and talk to the others,
tell them to grab a quick meal and prepare
for round two.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

Several of the nomads are clustered around LORD ENORMOUS GUY. They are looking at the grounded ship in the distance, anger showing in their eyes.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
No more pussyfooting around with these guys.
Bring up the throwers!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- COMPUTER CORE- DAY

GBW is seen putting the cover back on one of the huge supercomputer towers that are lined up against every wall in here. He flips a large circuit breaker, and all the towers light up. GBW walks over to a comm station and pushes a button.

GBW
Hey, Doc, LEO should be up and running in a moment… he just needs to reboot.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(on comm unit)
Thanks GBW. Head back up to the control room.
(to MATT )
Well, that’s one piece of good news.

He looks up at the ceiling, where LEO’S speakers are. After a moment, they crackle into life, as LEO CAESIUS comes back online.

LEO CAESIUS
Initializing basic subroutines… peripherals coming online…
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer… AI subroutines engaging
… no, KIT, let’s just be friends… personality programs running
… woman walks into a bar with a duck, says gimme a whiskey,
bartender says we don’t allow pigs in here, womans says it’s a duck,
bartender says I was talking to the duck… all systems nominal.
(pause)
Wow. If my scanners are working correctly, we’re well and truly fucked.

DOCTOR WHAT
Glad to have you back LEO. And unfortunately yes,
we are. Are your scanners all up and running?

LEO CAESIUS
Let me check.
(pause)
Yes, all are in working order.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then, take a look around. Somewhere out there, these nomads
are getting parts and fuel, and I’d like to know where.

LEO CAESIUS
Okay, give me an hour or two to
calibrate everything and look around…

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- EVENING

The camera shows a far view of the crashed ship. The sun is going down in the background, with a flaming orange glow as it moves below the horizon.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- EVENING

Most of the crew are gathered here, awaiting LEO’S report.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.

WEAPON M
Damn it! Why is it always good news and
bad news, or bad news and worse news?
Why isn’t it ever good news and better news?

LEO CAESIUS
The good news is that there is indeed a source of
materials nearby. It’s a ruined city about 10 miles
from here. There are sand dunes all around it,
but there seems to be metal and fuel there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. And the bad news?

LEO CAESIUS
Have a look at this.

The view screen lights up and shows a digitalized scene of several nomads working out of sight behind some sand dunes. They are building two towering structures out of steel I-beams.

MATT
What the hell are those?

DAVE HOWERY
Oh my God! Trebuchets!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha… those big medieval catapults? Are they serious?

DAVE HOWERY
Serious as a heart attack. Those things will lob half-ton
rocks at us from behind those dunes. We sit here without
shields, without missiles, and we can’t even get a line
of sight on them to shoot back. They can shoot at us at
will. Even with our tough hull, several tons of rocks hitting
it will knock a big damn hole in it. So, our choices are to
sit here and get pounded, or go out there to try and take
them out… where they outnumber us by a hell of a lot and
have better mobility to boot. We’re in trouble.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… it’s going to be a while before they can
get them built. MATT, try and come up with some kind
of plan for a sortie… we gotta take those out.

MATT
Okay, Doc.

INT. – TUNNELS –EVENING

We see the Sandkats leading LUAKEL, DIAMOND, FLOCCULENCIO and DMA through a series of small dark tunnels.

LUAKEL
So—wait—these guys are called the Snakes?

PARSON
Yes—a most brutal tribe led by a vicious leader. The
LORD ENORMOUS GUY claims vast sections of
the Desert as his territory. His tribe and ours have
been at war for years.
(smiles)
Ha! But we are the Sandkats!

The rest of the Sandkats give out a cheer.

LUAKEL
Appreciate you people helping us out with this.

PARSON
The Chosen One need only ask and all his wishes will be granted.

SLINKY turns to DIAMOND, a smile on her face.

SLINKY
And the one known as DIAMOND need only
ask and all HIS wishes will be granted as well…
(smiles and bats her eyelashes at DIAMOND coquettishly)

DIAMOND blushes. FLOCCULENCIO (grinning maniacally) reaches into his pocket and hands a small object to DIAMOND. DIAMOND looks down at the object in his hand in disbelief and turns to face FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
(still grinning)
Always be prepared.

DIAMOND
You are SO going to die when this is over….

FLOCCULENCIO
(holding his pinky to the corner of his mouth)
Me so scared….

The AH.commers and the Sandkats continue walking.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- EVENING

WEAPON M
No.

MATT
Look—I don’t like it either but…

WEAPON M
(defiantly)
No! I understand that we need to take out the trebuchets
before we get a half-ton rock smash down on our heads
but there is NO way I’m wearing pink.

MATT is holding several ‘commando-style’ suits in his hands—all of them a very vivid hot pink color.

MATT
Look—this isn’t my first choice either but the stealth suits
came in pretty handy when we had to save DOC from that
HONORBLOWER chick a few months back.

WEAPON M
But they’re pink!

MATT
But they make us invisible.

WEAPON M
THEY’RE STILL PINK!

Camera pans back to show-

LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, HENDRYK, DOCTOR WHAT and THANDE standing in a tight group. All are still armed with pistols, BFGs, bolters, and plasma guns.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look—if it helps us take out those
trebuchets I’ll wear a freaking tu-tu!

IRONYUPPIE
Oh yeah—that reminds me Doc—I’m going
to need those back for Saturday night.

DOCTOR WHAT
What—even the red ones?

LANDSHARK
Yeah—me and Yuppie are going to do a re-enactment of the
Battle of Midway. IRONYUPPIE is going to be the USS Enterprise
while I’m going to be the Japanese fleet and…

DOCTOR WHAT holds up his hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please spare me the sordid details.
(beat)
Wait—why do you guys need a tu-tu for that?
(beat)
Forget it—I REALLY don’t want to know….

DOCTOR WHAT looks around at his gathered troops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look—I know that this is a crazy half-assed plan that
we slapped together at the last minute but this is a
crazy half-assed plan that might actually work. The
suits make us invisible, we go out there, we knock out
the trebuchets, we get the spare parts from that ruined
city and we get off this fucking rock. Problem solved.
(beat)
Ok—this is the plan. Landshark, IronYuppie, Matt,
Weapon M and mego out and try to kick some Snake
ass while KIT, HENDRYK, and THANDE stay here
and make sure we don’t get any more surprises
like what happened in engineering. LEO—what do
your sensors show?

LEO
I estimate that the Snakes should be
ready to attack us within 10 minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then we better move our asses, shouldn’t we?

EXT. – AH. COM SHIP – EVENING

We see the outer door open and then quickly close. We suddenly see several set of footprints appear in the sand and slowly start making their way to a set of nearby hills.

EXT. – HILLTOP- EVENING

We see a figure sitting on top of the hill. It’s obviously one of the Snakes who has been left here to watch the AH.COM ship. We notice that his eyes are on two eyestalks, like a crab. The eyestalks suddenly seem to focus on something offscreen.

EYE POV

We see the crashed ship and surrounding area from this Snake’s POV. We notice that the image looks very different—like a mix of infrared and ultraviolet vision.

We can just barely see five figures dressed in strange suits walk away from the ship.

CLOSE- UP
The Snake smiles and runs off.

EXT. – DESERT – EVENING

We see five set of footprints come to a stop. We hear but cannot see the AH.commers.

MATT
Ok—everyone know the plan?

DOCTOR WHAT
Blow shit up, shoot everything that moves, shoot anything
that looks like it’s thinking about moving and pump a couple
of rounds into the things that are standing still just to be on
the safe side?

MATT
Yup

WEAPON M
Never fails, man.

We suddenly hear shouts from nearby. A barrage of crossbow bolts, arrows, stones and assorted other weapons start raining down all around the AH.commers. We hear a voice offscreen.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
(o.v.)
Kill the invisible intruders my pack! Take no prisoners!
Mwhaa-haaa-haaa! Soon the ship will belong to me!
Mwhaaa-haaa-haaa! I have a lovely bunch of coconuts!
Damn those voices!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(frantic voice)
Hey! They’re shooting at us! They’re shooting at us!

MATT
I can see that!

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened to the being invisible part?

MATT
Guess it didn’t work.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what do we do?

MATT
Same thing we always do in these situations!

DOCTOR WHAT
Run screaming while shooting everything around us?

MATT
Yup.

The AH.commers start shooting everything around them and then, after a few seconds, start running screaming back to the ship while still shooting. Dozens of Snakes give chase, coming at them from multiple directions and firing at them.

EXT. – DESERT –EVENING

We see the ah.commer’s footprints running towards the camera. Behind them we can see over a dozen of the Snakes either on foot or on motorcycles. On a nearby hill, we see the ‘eyestalk’ Snake from before, shouting out directions and pointing at the AH.commers positions. Sand is being kicked up all around the AH.commers from all the weapons being fired on their position and all of their return fire at the Snakes, creating clouds of dust swirling all around the. Unfortunately—rather than obscuring them—the dust clouds are making them a little easier to see, as we can now see glimpses of shadows and movement in the dust clouds. The Snakes howl with joy and move closer.

TIGHT ON –
A Snake on a decreptic motorcycle. He’s completely covered from head to toe in leather gear. He’s armed with a crossbow and points it at our direction.

SNAKE POV-
Clouds of dust swirl around the five AH.commers.

TIGHT ON-
Snake’s hand as he squeezes on trigger.

WIDE SHOT –
We suddenly see two figures erupt out of the ground on either side of the Snake! Stretched between the two figures—

A rope!

The Snake gets literally clothesline by the rope and falls off his motorcycle. The now riderless motorcycle careens out of control and flips over several times, bursting into flames.

We see the other Snakes look around in anger and confusion. The ‘Eyestalk’ Snake looks around and points at something offscreen—just as another figure –this one with four arms and holding a large knife in each hand–erupts out of the sand behind him! The two figures collapse into a heap.

TIGHT ON- A Snake with two reindeer antlers sprouting from his head. He screams and charges at the two figures fighting—only to come to a stop as a very large figure—this one with two boar-like tusks on its face—erupts out of the sand in front of him. A huge fist lashes out at the Snake’s face and the Snake gets flung ten feet backwards, cartwheeling a few times in the process.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
(looking frantically around)
What? What’s going on!? This is not suppose to be happening!
I’m the only one who’s suppose to callously kill off my troops!
(turning to face a nearby Snake)
Right?

SNAKE
Er….yes?

LORD ENORMOUS GUY pulls out a knife and flings it at the Snake, killing him.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
(nodding head)
Damn straight! Attack the intruders, my pack!

EXT. – DESERT –EVENING

The AH.commers come to a stop, realizing that something is happening to the Snakes. We see the footprints suddenly turn back towards the Snakes, blasting away with their weapons.

EXT. – DESERT –-DIFFERENT VIEW- EVENING

The Snakes are being cut down, seemingly from every direction at once. Figures are erupting from the sand, attacking a Snake or wrecking a vehicle, then popping back under the sand before anyone can react. The AH.commers (still invisible) are blasting away at everything around them. Explosions are appearing all around the Snake camp as vehicles crash and burn.

We see one of the Snakes at a trebuchet. We see an extremely large rock hanging in a large sling. We see the Snake reach for a large wheel…

…only to have a curvy and voluptuous figure- obviously female – erupt out of the sand in front of him and bite him on the neck! The Snake collapses to the ground and the female runs offscreen.

Two additional figures erupt out of the sand—one a massively muscular figure with boar tusks and the other a two headed figure.

The two figures push their shoulders against the trebuchet.

TIGHT ON- Trebuchet.

Slowly it starts to rock back and forth, metal groaning under the strain. Then it slowly starts to tip over….

…right onto the other trebuchet.

The two trebuchets crash together with an awesome roar of collapsing metal. The second trebuchet rocks back and forth from the impact and slowly begins to tip over…

…right on top of a group of Snakes!

CRASH!!

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
(furious)
Retreat! Retreat! Return back to base!
(beat)
You won this battle but I’ll be back! Yes I will!
Or my name isn’t Lord Humungus!

SNAKE
Uh—your name is LORD ENORMOUS GUY, sir…

LORD ENORMOUS GUY stabs the Snake with his knife.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
Don’t correct me! I hate it when people do that!

LORD ENORMOUS GUY and the surviving Snakes drive off at very fast speed. Behind them, we see a scene of utter devastation- vehicles smashed, fires burning, dead and dying Snakes…

EXT. – DESERT –EVENING

With a ‘beeping’ sound, we see the five AH.commers appear seemingly out of thin air, still wearing their hot pink stealth suits.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—that was interesting.

WEAPON M
Have to admit—that was actually pretty fucking cool…

LANDSHARK
Did anyone notice anything slightly
odd about those saviors of ours,
by the way?

IRONYUPPIE
You mean the way that each and
every one of them looked like freaks?

MATT
Or the way they just popped
out of the ground?

DOCTOR WHAT
Or the fact that they seemed to
be fighting exclusively the Snakes?

LANDSHARK
No—the fact that they all seemed
to look a bit like LUAKEL.

LUAKEL
(o.v.)
Actually—there’s a very good explanation for that…

The five AH.commers turn around to see LUAKEL, DIAMOND, DMA and FLOCCULENCIO. Behind them are the Sandkats, looking rather pleased with themselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
I take it that there’s a logical, rational and plausible
explanation for all this that you are going to share with us?

LUAKEL
(shakes head)
No…not, really, no….

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Long story?

LUAKEL
Pretty long.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Everyone get inside the ship. Let me stop
by my quarters and get a bottle of scotch.

LUAKEL
(sighing as well)
Better make it two bottles…

FADE TO BLACK

TO BE CONTINUED

ROLL END CREDITS