TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.com ship in orbit around an earth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – OTHNIEL’S QUARTERS – DAY

It’s dark, the clock on a bed stand says 0559.

It slowly flips over to 0600.

An alarm begins blaring.

A hand shuts it off.

A light turns on.

We see OTHNIEL sitting in bed, looking a little groggy and blinking at the earliness of the time.

He yawns, stretching his arms.

We see another arm suddenly envelope his waist.

OTHNIEL looks down at the arm, eyes wide in horror.

MALE VOICE
Ugh. It’s too early.
Give me ten more hours.

Suddenly OTHNIEL jumps up, recoiling and looking horrified.

We see KIT in OTHNIEL’s bed, smiling.

KIT
You, sir. Are a bed sheet hog.
And you snore.

Shot of OTHNIEL mouth open in silent horror.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are walking down the corridor. DOCTOR WHAT is struggling to open a box of Pop Tarts while GREY WOLF sips upon a cup of tea.

DOCTOR WHAT
(offering)
Pop Tart?

GREY WOLF
No. I’m trying to cut down
on my sugar intake.

DOCTOR WHAT
I just saw you dump a whole
container into you tea there.

GREY WOLF
Well, I wasn’t’ trying to cut down
on my sugar intake back then…

There’s an off screen screaming

The two men stop and look at one another.

OTHNIEL suddenly rounds a bend, running full out and screaming at the top of his lungs.

OTHNIEL
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
UNCLEAN!!!!!

He races by DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF, still screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
What day is it?

GREY WOLF
Monday.

DOCTOR WHAT
Kit still trying to convert people?

GREY WOLF
He says there’s a lack of man on man action on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Guess he hasn’t seen GBW
and G.Bone play twister.
(munching on Pop Tart)
Nice pajamas.

GREY WOLF
I believe he makes them himself.

The two continue walking along.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting, hands behind his head, behind his desk, OTHNIEL is standing before the desk, and GREY WOLF is sitting upon a chair against the bulkhead, pouring himself a drink.

OTHNIEL
I demand some action be taken!

DOCTOR WHAT
About what?

OTHNIEL
About the fact that I have been violated in my sleep.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, come on now.
Kit generally just snuggles.

OTHNIEL
I feel outraged!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well there is the problem of
the whole morning wood thing.

GREY WOLF
He’s quite unabashed by it.

OTHNIEL
My quarters are my
private personal space.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Alright.
I hear you.
What do you want me to do?

OTHNIEL
(thinking)
something.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, something it is.
Who’s up for a drink.

GREY WOLF
Right behind you, old boy.

The two walk out.

OTHNIEL
(infuriated)
This is the last straw.
You hear me?
(silence)

OTHNIEL follows them out.

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, FLOCCULENCIO, MICHAEL, and DIAMOND are gathered around a big machine sitting in the middle of the Engineering Bay.

DIAMOND
So… what the fuck is this big ass thing?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s a work of magnificent marvelousness.

FLOCCULENCIO
You don’t know, do you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not a god damn clue.

MICHAEL
It’s a transmogifier thingmabob.
That’s what is it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Are those even words.

MICHAEL
In my head they are.

DIAMOND
Where the hell did you
get it from anyway?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I bought it at a yard sale.

MICHAEL
Well, its money well spent.
Surprised you didn’t get a
handful beans while you
were at it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Actually…

FLOCCULENCIO
So what did the guy say it does?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, he said you plugged it into your
computer and it would lead one to a
world full of porn, booze, and hot lesbians.

MICHAEL
You know a world of hot lesbians means
we’ll be getting no action, right?

FLOCCULENCIO
And that’s different from everyday how?

MICHAEL
I’m just saying…

DIAMOND
Well plug the damn thing in.
Let’s have us some hot lesbians.

FLOCCULENCIO
Must you thrust your hips so,
when you say ‘hot lesbians’?

DIAMOND
Don’t tell me what to do, Goat Loving Bastard.

MICHAEL
It’s even more disturbing due to the fact he’s wearing no pants.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN digs behind the machine and pulls out a cord, he looks at the nearest computer console and back at the cord.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um.. you guys don’t happen to have a Firewire cable, do you?

Fade out:

INT. – SHUTTLE DAY – DAY

We see OTHNIEL packing a duffle bag into an open shuttle, MYNX V. He sits behind the controls.

We hear a clatter of cans and a groaning noise.

DMA pokes his head out from behind a seat.

DMA
Bugger.
That’s some strong brew.
(looks at Othniel)
Where you going?

OTHNIEL
I’m going on a weekend retreat.

DMA
Is that a homosexual thing?

OTHNIEL
No.

DMA
Right. Right.
Like you’d tell me if it were.
(sighs)
Mind if I get out before you leave?

OTHNIEL
(Rubbing temples)
Just get out, please.

DMA staggers out of the shuttle, leaving behind a trail of beer cans.

DMA
(waving)
Have fun on your homosexual
weekend get away!
(Staggers off)

The shuttle lifts up and flies off.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see the shuttle move away from the ship and a small vortex opens. The shuttle enters and vanishes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting behind his piloting suite, flipping through a science magazine.

LEO CAESIUS
Othniel has left the building.

GBW
Huh?

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Nothing.
Nothing.

GBW
Speak up, I can’t hear you.

Silence.

GBW shrugs and returns to reading.

INT. – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMETLDOWN is looking at G.BONE in slight horror. Behind him FLOCCULENCIO, MICHAEL, and DIAMOND are looking bored.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What do you mean they don’t
make Firewire cables anymore?

G.BONE
Well, there’s not much need for them.

MICHAEL
Only shite computers use Firewire cables.

FLOCCULENCIO
And only shite computer users use them.

DIAMOND
And Psycho’s a shite.

FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL look at DIAMOND.

DIAMOND
(shrugs)
Hey, everyone was saying it.

G.BONE
I can give you some USB cables.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Those won’t work!
(storms off)

G.BONE
What’s up with him?

DIAMOND
What isn’t up with him?

MICHAEL
I think it was more a
rhetorical question, Diamond.

DIAMOND
Aren’t you the sarcastic little shit today.

FLOCCULENCIO
When isn’t he a sarcastic little shit?

MICHAEL
(exasperated)
See. No one understands the
meaning of rhetorical anymore.

G.BONE
I do…

The three walk out.

G.BONE
Can I tag along?
Please?

The three keep walking.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the MYNX V exits a vortex, heading toward a sparkly blue earth.

INT. – SHUTTLE POD – MYNX V – DAY

OTHNIEL is sitting in the piloting seat, reading a brochure.

OTHNIEL
(to himself)
Enjoy a nice relaxing weekend at Darkest’
Religious Retreat. Three nights and two
days of lectures, self flagellation, abstinence,
and all the prayer one can hope for.
(sighs)
Just what I need. A weekend from those
heretic non believers. A weekend away
from their continual sinning, the smell of
wet sheep, too much cologne, and
blasphemies to the good lord.

EXT. – ATMOSPHERE – DAY

The shuttle continues its descent toward the surface.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

MATT flips open a magazine, the title reading “HOT CHICKS WITH BIG GUNS”.

MATT
Oh, yeah. This is what daddy likes.

LUAKEL
(loudly eating potato chips)
Who’s daddy?

MATT
I’m your daddy.
(beat)
Man, that would be a fucked up thing.
To know my perfectly formed loins created you.

LUAKEL
I’m sensing an insult in there somewhere.
I know it can’t be good from my self esteem.

MATT
Dude. Shut the hell up and let me ogle
big breasted girls hefting big ass guns.

LUAKEL
(continuing chomping on chips)
You know where Oth went?
He said he’d help me with my homework.

MATT
Do you even go to school?

LUAKEL
No. But Oth’s the only person
that’s nice to me on the ship.

MATT
Hey, I’m nice.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Lounge.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, MATT. Can you help me wit-

MATT
Fuck off, sleazebag.
Or I’ll pump you full of lead.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN makes a hurried escape.

LUAKEL
See.

MATT
I don’t know what you’re talking about
(continues flipping through magazine)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, FLOCCULENCIO, and DIAMOND all walk down the corridor.

FLOCCULENCIO
Tell me again, old boy, why are we
following Psychomeltdown again?

MICHAEL
You got anything else better to do?

FLOCCULENCIO
No. But all this walking is
giving me leg cramps.

DIAMOND
Hey, he might hurt himself.
That’s worth a little walking.

FLOCCULENCIO
But you don’t understand. I’m a layabout.
I’m supposed to be.. laying about.
Not this ungodly walking to and fro.

MICHAEL
Hang in there, Flocc.
I’m sure we’ll be seeing Psycho
injuring himself soon. I mean this
is Psycho, he hurts himself
getting dressed.

DIAMOND
Dude, when did you watch him getting dressed?

MICHAEL
Quiet you.

FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t know if I have the strength to
continue. All this walking… I feel faint.
(suddenly collapses)

DIAMOND, MICHAEL, and PSYCHOMETLDOWN all look at FLOCCULENCIO.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Did he just faint?

MICHAEL
I believe so.

The three look at each other.

DIAMOND
Rock, paper, scissors?

MICHAEL
What about you do it.

DIAMOND
Hey, I’m not his friend.

MICHAEL
What makes you think I’m his friend.

DIAMOND
You’re always hanging around with him.

MICHAEL
Oh, right. Bring that up!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(worried)
Is he foaming from the mouth?

MICHAEL
He does that sometimes.
It’s best just to let him foam.

DIAMOND
Aren’t we supposed to be
doing something for him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, right. I remember now.
(rolls Flocculencio over)
Totally forgot about this.
(pulls out wallet)
hey, it’s empty.

MICHAEL
Surprise. Surprise.
Remember who you’re trying to steal from.

DIAMOND
Beyond poor is the word
I like to describe him with

MICHAEL
That’s two words.

DIAMOND
Burn in hell, assface.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN sighs and tosses the empty wallet onto the deck.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, I guess all our hopes lie in the
machine that’ll take us to the world
of hot naked lesbians, rivers of booze,
and mountains of porn.

MICHAEL
I’m telling, we’ve been to worlds full
of lesbians and they’ve not turned
out good at all. In addition if it’s a
world full of lesbians, they will not
let you have sex with them.

DIAMOND
And that’s different
from heterosexual women?

MICHAEL
It stings thrice as much.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Maybe they’ll let us watch…

MICHAEL
(sighing)
Fine. I guess you’re all determined
to find this world, aren’t you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, what else are we going to do.

DIAMOND
Dave was saying something
about maintenance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hell, Dave doesn’t even get
out of his quarters anymore.

MICHAEL
Enjoying the delights of Keira Knightly, I suppose.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No. He’s just a lazy wanker.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
I’ve just realized.
Flocc just passed out from walking,
We’re trying to get a machine to work
that supposedly will lead us to a world
full of porn, booze, and lesbians, and
most of the rew doesn’t leave their
quarters because they’re lazy bastards.

MICHAEL
I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

DIAMOND
Yeah. Me too.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Onward to finding the world of
booze, porn, and hot nekkid l
esbians?

MICHAEL/DIAMOND
Onward!

EXT. – A LAND PAD – DAY

We see the MYNX V landing. Around it rise huge mountains in the distant and the wide expanse of the sea beside it.

A wide shot shows hundreds of large buildings taking the form of temples, churches, and other holy religious buildings, bustling people, and ships taking off and landing.

INT. – DARKEST RETREAT – HOTEL LOBBY – DAY

DARKEST walks forward and greets OTHNIEL.

DARKEST
Hello, Othniel. It’s a pleasure
to meet you. I must say I’ve been
waiting eagerly for your arrival.

OTHNIEL
You have?
(suspicious)
Why?

DARKEST
We’ve heard of the good works
you’ve done whilst trapped among
a crew of hedonistic heathens,
blasphemers, and sodomites.

OTHNIEL
Well, I wouldn’t say
they’re all sodomites.
DMA maybe, but the others….

DARKEST
Well, still your reputation proceeds you.

OTHNIEL
I hope that’s a good thing.
Normally that means people
just try all the harder to kill us.

DARKEST
(laughs)
I’m sure you’re full of stories about
the exploits you and your crew faced
while traveling the wilds of the
multiverse.

OTHNIEL
I’ve got a few.

DARKEST
Well let’s just not stand here idly chatting.
You’ve got a whole weekend of praying
and relaxing to do. I’ll show you to your room.

The two men head down the lobby toward the elevators when a large group of men walk across their path, a cloud of smoke hanging around them.

OTHNIEL begins coughing.

OTHNIEL
That smell.
What is that smell?

DARKEST
Oh, that. That’s the group from
the New Church of Religious Thought.

OTHNIEL
Huh?

DARKEST
They insist upon consuming large quantities of
mind-altering drugs in order to have a more religious
experience. Mostly in the form of cannabis.

OTHNIEL
Well, I knew a guy who used to smoke that stuff.
But I think it wasn’t’ for religious purposes.

DARKEST
They’re running a workshop tomorrow at nine.
Just before brunch. So if you’re interested, you
can see what they’re all about.
Now shall we get you settled in.

OTHNIEL continues to watch the group of men.

OTHNIEL
I wonder what ever
happened to Straha…

EXT – TRANSIT SPACE – DAY

We see a dark ship hurtling through transit space, the swirly rainbow colors clashing with black vessel.

We pull in on it. We see the words IP.net, but there’s a big X through it. Beside that the worlds “KILL! KILL! KILL!” are scrawled upon the hull.

INT. – KILL! KILL! KILL! SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

MIKE COLLINS sits upon a command chair, looking unhappily at a screen.

MIKE COLLINS
I’m still amazed that I allowed you to sway my judgment.
You had best be right, that this world is full of advanced
technology that shall bring my powers to new heights so
that I can crush all my enemies in one massive swoop!

The camera pans to a sit located by the lift. On it sits a familiar person. STRAHA.

STRAHA
Oh, I’m right.
What we need is on this earth.
(grins)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sighs, staring at the big piece of machinery, looking at it forlornly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So close…

DIAMOND
You were never close.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We could have had lesbians.

MICHAEL suddenly lets out a groan and sigh.

MICHAEL
Fine!
You’ve made me do this!
You’ll regret this, I’ll tell you that!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell is he talking about?

DIAMOND
I think he’s gonna have
sex with the machine.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Didn’t he learn his lesson the last time?

DIAMOND
He’s an Aussie.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, right. I understand.

MICHAEL
No, you damn fools. I’m not going to
have sex with the machinery! I’m going
to make it so that you can get the
information off this thing.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But… But…

DIAMOND
(shocked)
that would be helping people.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought you were
incapable of doing that.

MICHAEL
There’s a limit as to how much
incompetence a man can witness
before it begins to drive him up
the wall.

DIAMOND
Wonder how Dave stands it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He’s all bat shit crazy.

DIAMOND
Right.

MICHAEL walks to the machine and kicks it. A metal panel falls off, revealing a interior of electronics and blinking lights.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ooo. Pretty.

DIAMOND
I’ve just lost what little respect
I had for you with that comment.

MICHAEL fiddles around with something for a bit and then pulls out a length of wire, the end is sparking with electricity.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Isn’t that dangerous?

MICHAEL
Danger is my middle name.

DIAMOND
I thought it was dumbass?

MICHAEL
You’re thinking of MATT.

DIAMOND
Right. Right.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So what are those sparking
wires going to do?

MICHAEL
Damned it I know.
I just figured they might accidentally
shock and electrocute you. I mean
it’s been several hours now and
I’ve not seen you injure your self
on anything yet.

DIAMOND
It’s the only damn reason I’m following you dumb asses around.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(rolling eyes)
Sorry to disappoint-
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

We see PSYCHOMETLDOWN accidentally touching the exposed wires and shocking himself.

MICHAEL
There we go. Now we can continue.

MICHAEL pulls out more wires and begins splicing and connecting them together. DIAMOND and PSYCHOMELTDOWN look about bored and slightly uneased at the sight of MICHAEL doing work.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is kinda creepy.

DIAMOND
I know.
The sarcastic, duck fearing,
asshat is actually doing work.

The two men shudder in horror.

MICHAEL
A curse of horned toads on your arses.
I do stuff. Not helpful stuff, or stuff that
is productive to being a crewmember,
but I do stuff. Particularly when it’s
late at night and I’m in my room all
alone.

DIAMOND
That explains Julia’s Laundry
Service canceling our account.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought I was due to G.Bone
writing epic love poems about Julia?

DIAMOND
Oh, I had forgotten about that.

MICHAEL
(proudly)
There we go!
Huzzah! Bow before the mighty
wonderfulness that is Michael!

DIAMOND
Can I just curtsey somewhat?

Pull out and we see a tangle of wire and black electrical tape. Its hooked into a console.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That looks majorly dangerous

MICHAEL
Dangerously cool!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um… I guess so.

DIAMOND
Will turn that big bitch on and let’s see what we get.

MICHAEL
I call dibs!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I bought the damn thing!

MICHAEL
Fine! Hog all the damn glory, you glory hog!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN flips the big switch upon the machine. It shudders, groans, and rattles, belching thick greasy smoke.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
It sounds like this old Chevy I used to have.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(backing off)
Yeah….

Suddenly alarms begin blaring

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That don’t sound good.
(takes off running)

MICHAEL
I have to agree with the cowardly one.
(takes of running)

DIAMOND
Wait. What’s going on?

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT come staggering out of his Ready Room, finishing up a bottle of scotch.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aright. Who turned on
the big annoying alarm?

GBW is frantically hitting buttons upon his console.

GBW
Something’s overriding our shift controls,
I’ve been locked out of the main computer,
and we’ve just shifted to another universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s bad right?

GBW
From the aspect that someone or something
had taken control of our systems and has
just shifted us toward a universe we know
nothing about and are in no way prepared
to deal with if it comes to blows.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right… I suggest we take some form of action
that’ll make me look heroic and save the day.

GBW
(hands Doctor What a notepad)
I’ve taken the liberty of writing
out a few suggestions, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
(reads over them)
Anything that doesn’t require
excessive movement?

GBW
No, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Fine.
(into comm)
All personnel, prepare for possible attack.
Get to your stations or you’ll be assigned
bathroom cleaning duties for the next week!

The viewscreen is replaced by the swirling colors of Transit Space and show sa bight blue world.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that can’t be all that bad…

GBW
Sir, I’m dete-

BBBOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

The ship shudders and rocks violently.

DOCTOR WHAT
The hell?

GBW
We’ve just been hit…

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s not a good thing, is it?

GBW
Nope.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any suggestions?

GBW
Page two.

DOCTOR WHAT flips the page on the notepad.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oksy…
(clears throat)
(screaming)
OH MY GOD! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – HOTEL LOBBY – DAY

OTHNIEL adjusts a bag he’s got over one shoulder, while trying to read an itinerary.

OTHNIEL
Alright, it’s eight in the morning.
That means the talk on why
evolution is wrong.
(heads out the door)

OTHNIEL walks down the bustling street, when suddenly a scream rings out.

He looks around, then s black shadow envelopes everything.

OTHNIEL looks up, pan upward and we see a large black ship. The words “KILL! KILL! KILL!” scrawled upon them.

OTHNIEL
I know that ship.

The “KILL! KILL! KILL!” begins firing upon the city.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a large ship sitting in space beside the AH.com ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GBW are walking down a corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, next time I won’t
follow your suggestions.

GBW
That wasn’t on my list of suggestions.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you calling me a liar?

The two enter the Teleportation Tube Room. G.BONE looks up from where he’s doodling.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve got visitors.

G.BONE
The people you hit?

DOCTOR WHAT
Insurance reasons, they need to
talk to us face to face. Damn it.
Our premium’s gonna go through
the roof.

GBW
It’s not like there’s much
hitting other ships in space.

DOCTOR WHAT
This is your fault.

GBW
I think it’s Psychomeltdown’s fault.
There was a machine that was
hooked directly into the computer
controls from engineering. A
machine that was purchased by
Psychomeltdown.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought he was spending all his money on hookers?

GBW
He was sir, until you stole the love
of his life away from him. Then
abandoned her when she wanted
a lasting relationship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, that.
I’m just not ready to settle down yet.

GBW
Since then he’s been on a
quest to find a world full of
debauchery.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about that Russian
ruled world we went to
that last time?

GBW
One that does not include overly
masculine and hairy eastern
European women.

DOCTOR WHAT
They looked okay to me…
Anyway, a punishment shall be meted
out to Psycho. Tell him he needs to
scrub the lower decks until I say otherwise.

GBW
You know he’ll just pretend not to have heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then take away his porn privileges.

G.BONE
Ouch. That’s just cruel, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Teleport us those people over or
you’ll be losing your porn privileges too!

G.BONE
Yessir!

G.BONE taps out commands upon the console before him.

There’s a loud pop and upon the Teleportation Tubes three gorgeous buxom women appear. They see DOCTOR WHAT and GBW and smile happily.

GBW
(mouth agape)
Are they…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yup. Hot cheerleaders.

GBW
I think I just got an erection.

Fade out:

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – DAY

The “KILL! KILL! KILL!” still hovers in the air, raining down particle weapon fire.

OTHNIEL and several others can be seen, taking shelter behind a wall of rubble. They’re carrying an assortment of weaponry.

DARKEST
We can’t hit them. Our
weapons aren’t strong
enough.

OTHNIEL
(shaking head)
We can only stand here and
take it, but once they come
off the ship…

DARKEST
You think they’ll be stupid
enough to come off the ship?

OTHNIEL
I know how this fiends fight. They won’t be
able to give up the chance to cause a little
physical mayhem and destruction, so they’ll
want to come down and kill a few people
themselves. We’re going to have to retreat
and regroup. When the come down, then
we hit them with everything we’ve got.

DARKEST
That sounds like a good idea. We’ll retreat,
we’ll regroup, and we’ll hit them with every-
thing we’ve got when they come down.
You’ve fought these people before?

OTHNIEL
Yes, but at those time I had the best people
at my back. Brave and amazing people…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – Battle Room– DAY

WEAPON M
BOOBIES!!!!

The crew is gathered in the Battle Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes they have boobies. But this is beyond that.
This, my friends, is a ship full of hot non lesbian
cheerleaders. They were on their way back from
a multiverse spanning competition when we
accidentally ran into them.

MICHAEL
Thanks a lot, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um.. you’re welcome?

MATT
Dude. Hot chicks. You’re seriously blaming
Psycho for leading us to hot chicks?

MICHAEL
Well, I was promised booze,
porn, and hot lesbians.

MATT
You know you can’t have sex with lesbians…

MICHAEL glares at MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
The point we’re all here is that. The cheerleader’s
ship has been damaged. Their engine has gone
offline and soon we’ll have to evacuate them to
our ship. We’re going to have to have to send
an engineering detail over to the ship to repair it.

DAVE HOWERY
(angry)
God Damn It!
Damn it!
Damn it!
Damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude. Keira wouldn’t even let you stay here.

DAVE HOWERY
I know but I was to keep the illusion that
I still have my masculinity intact. Even
though Keira has taken it away, bit by bit,
ever so slowly.
(sighs)
I’m not even really excited
about these cheerleaders.

Everyone gives a horrified gasp.

WEAPON M
Kill him!
Kill him now!
Before he infects us all!

DOCTOR WHAT
No. No. No.
There will be no killing, shunning,
name calling, and disgusted looks,
okay, but no killing. We need Dave
to fix the ship.

LUAKEL
But if we don’t fix their ship.
Then they’ll be stuck here.
Forever and ever and ever….

DOCTOR WHAT
(beat)
Alright, Luakel. You’re going
on that engineering detail.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But…

LUAKEL
You’ll just creep out the girls if they’re here.

DIAMOND
Plus I don’t need a five
year old cramping my style.

LUAKEL
I’m fifteen.

DIAMOND
Fifteen. Five. No diff.
You’ll still make it so that
most of us don’t score.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t think most of us
need a reason not to score.

MATT
Quiet, you,. I don’t know about you guys,
but personally I’m always flocked by girls
and can pick and choose amongst them.

There’ s a long silence and suddenly everyone begins laughing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wiping away tears)
oh man… that’s fucking funny.
(to everyone)
Alright, we’re set. Dave and the engineers and
Luakel all head over to their ship and we entertain
the girls while they’re here. Please try not to make
a sex starved ass outta yourselves.

MICHAEL
Might as well tell us not to breath.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – DAY

Explosions rock the retreat as OTHNIEL and the others huddle amongst the ruins.

OTHNIEL
Man, I wish those guys were here…

INT. – “KILL! KILL! KILL!”- BRIDGE – DAY

MIKE COLLINS looks at the ruins of the city.

MIKE COLLINS
I thought you said this was a place
with advanced technology? So far
I see nothing. Nothing that even
suggests that technology of a high
sort is even here.

STRAHA jumps up.

STRAHA
It’s there, I know it.
I know this because I’ve been here before!

MOLOBO
You’d best be right.
Or I’ll make sausage out of you.

STRAHA
Why do you always threaten me with that?

MOLOBO
It’s the only threat I know.

MIKE COLLINS
Well, all resistance, which equaled to nothing,
has stopped. I saw we take a stroll down there
and see what we find.

STRAHA
Yes! Let’s go down to the surface.
That hotel over there, we need to go there!

MIKE COLLINS
Why?

STRAHA
(beat)
There’s advanced technology there….

MIKE COLLINS
Fine. To the surface we go.

MOLOBO
There better be technology
there, of it’s sausage time…

STRAHA
Give it a rest, dude.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

OTHNIEL, DARKEST, and several others are watching as the ship begins to settle in a cleared spot.

DARKEST
Is it time now?

OTHNIEL
I think so.
They’re landing.
When the get near, concentrate your
fire upon the guy in charge. He’ll be
pale, dorky looking, and shadowed
by a big ugly looking guy.

DARKEST
Right.

The hatch opens to the “KILL! KILL! KILL!” and the three crew members exit. One figure is looking around everywhere, suddenly that figure runs toward the Hotel.

OTHNIEL squints for a moment watching the figure. His eyes suddenly widening.

OTHNIEL
I can’t be.

DARKEST
What?

OTHNIEL
STRAHA!

EXT. – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO watch STRAHA for a second.

MIKE COLLINS
What the hell is he doing?

MOLOBO
He looks to be looking for something…

MIKE COLLINS
It better be advanced technology.
Enough for me to smite all my enemies

MOLOBO
Yes..
(laughs evilly)
Smite all our enemies.

MIKE COLLINS
MY enemies. You’ll have to find
a way to smite your own enemies.

MOLOBO
Yes, master.

MIKE COLLINS
Now what is he doing with those corpses?

STRAHA is seen digging though a pile of dead. He triumphantly shouts and pulls something out of the pocket of a person.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

DARKEST watches STRAHA.

DARKEST
Is he.. robbing the dead.

OTHNIEL watches for a moment.

OTHNIEL
Yes and no.
He’s…
(face hardens)
he’s working for Mike Collins.
He’s destroyed this entire place…

DARKEST
Why?

OTHNIEL
That’s a New Church of
Religious Thought member.

DARKEST
And?

OTHNIEL
Straha is stealing their stash…

DARKEST
And?

OTHNIEL
That’s why they attacked this place.
For Weed.

DARKEST
Really? That seems like an awfully
lot of trouble just to score some hash.

OTHNIEL
We’re dealing with either really
stupid people or really evil people.
I’m starting to think a bit of both.

DARKEST
What are we going to do?

OTHNIEL watches as MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO walk up to STRAHA who’s busily cleaning out a bong.

OTHNIEL
(cocks guns)
We kill them of course.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

MIKE COLLINS
What the hell are you doing?
We’re supposed to be finding advanced
technologies to smite my enemies with!
Not stealing from dead people and trying
to light up a bong.

STRAHA
Cool it, man.
I’m smoking here.

MIKE COLLINS
This better not be the reason we’re here!
Where are my advanced technologies!

STRAHA
Who? What?

MIKE COLLINS grabs STRAHA lifting him into the air.

MIKE COLLINS
You better tell me or I’ll smite
your ass right here right now.

STRAHA
Dude, chill. I’m sure they have some advanced
technologies to help you smite your enemies.

MIKE COLLINS
You said there were some!

STRAHA
Hey, this place has…
(looks around)
had the best weed in a million universes.
I haven’t had a hit in three days. You know why?
You’re scared of Ian, you hide in these shitty little
universes and whine about people who wronged
you. I’m all for killing things and destroying things,
but fuck! The whining! The Whining! I need my
weed just to deal with this shit.

MIKE COLLINS
So you lied to me?

MOLOBO
Wrong move there, Straha.

MIKE COLLINS
You lied to me!
For weed!
I shall destroy y-

A shot rings out and personal shield around MIKE COLLINS flares to life.

STRAHA
We’re under attack!
(runs)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP– MESS HALL– DAY

A massive party is in progress. The hordes of cheerleaders and the crew party out.

Multicolored lights are pulsing, music is blaring, and booze is flowing freely.

EXT. – CHEERLEADER SHIP HULL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, and LUAKEL are in EVA suits fixing the engines of the Cheerleader Ship.

G.BONE casts a glance back toward the AH.com ship. They can see the multicolored light coming out the main ports of the Mess Hall.

G.BONE
Who knew that the cheerleaders
we ran into liked to party.

DAVE HOWERY
Shut up, G.Bone.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, shut up.
I found these damn cheerleaders and
I’m not there to enjoy the benefits.

LUAKEL
Like you’d know what to do
with them if you got them.
(sniggers)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shut up you, at least I never
had sex with Dave.

DAVE HOWERY
(confused)
What?

G.BONE
Shhhh.. Psyhco.
Torq took his memory, remember?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nevermind.

DAVE HOWERY
Seriously. What?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Just fix the engines.
Just fix the engines.

G.BONE
I wanted to meet these girls.
(sighs)

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t need damn cheerleaders.
I have Keira. Nice, curvy, full of
wild kinky delights Keira.
Mmmmmm….

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
She’s kinda skinny and flat chested.
Like a boy… Thin and boney like…
Luakel there.

LUAKEL
Ha. Funny, Psycho.

DAVE HOWERY
Did you just say Keira
looks like Luakel?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
In a scrawny, flat chested way.

G.BONE
Shut up, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So its kinda like you’re
having sex with Luakel.

G.BONE
Shut up, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And-

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ARRRGGGHHH!

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

MIKE COLLINS pulls out a machine gun and begins firing at where the weapons fire is coming from. He and MOLOBO begin retreating back to the ship.

MIKE COLLINS
Damn it, Straha!
You brought us to this
place for no reason!

STRAHA
I got weed. That’s enough for me!

OTHNIEL and the remainders of the retreat pick up their weapons and chase after MIKE COLLINS, MOLOBO, and STRAHA.

STRAHA suddenly trips over a rock and goes down screaming.

MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO keep running for the ship, but are forced to detour as a group cuts them off and begins attacking them.

MIKE COLLINS
Damn it, we’re Fallen. We don’t take shit
like this from religious freaks.

MOLOBO
We had to pawn all our good
weapons for fuel and food.

MIKE COLLINS
Next world we go to, we’ll make
sure to load up on currency.

MOLOBO
If we get out of this.

MIKE COLLINS
We’ve faced the AH.commers
and the CF.netters. Damn it we
can get out of this.

STRAHA tries to get up and run for the ship, but instead he’s knocked down by someone,

OTHNIEL stands above him, pointing his hand gun at him.

OTHNIEL
You!

STRAHA
Hey… Othniel.
How’s it going, old buddy old pal?

OTHNIEL
I thought you were gone for good?
What are you doing in the company
of those two?

STRAHA
Hey, you know how it is.
Lost and alone in the Hub.
Nothing to do, no money…

OTHNIEL
We thought you had just ran off.
But to be in cahoots with these two?

STRAHA
Hey, it’s not all –
(suddenly kicks Othniel in the balls)
Ha! Fool! I’m evil now! Evil Straha!
An apprentice to the evil Fallen Mike Collins!

OTHNIEL
Why?

STRAHA
Why not? I had nothing else to do.
Saving people and nearly getting
killed was getting kinda lame.

OTHNIEL
You were a member of our crew…

STRAHA
A bunch of whiny bitches.
And a fucking sausage fest too.

OTHNIEL
You bastard!

STRAHA lifts up OTHNIEL’s gun.

STRAHA
And now I show how evil I am.
Never liked your preachy ways,
always trying to save people,
make them not watch porn and
all that.
(aims gun at Othnel)
Bye. Bye.
(pulls trigger)

The gun clicks on an empty chamber.

STRAHA
Shit.

OTHNIEL jumps up and races at STRAHA.

Suddenly a burst of gun fire forces him to hit the floor. MIKE COLLINS is firing wildy and taking down the DARKEST and his men.

STRAHA gets up and runs for the ship.

OTHNIEL races to where DARKEST and the others are firing at MOLOBO and MIKE COLLINS.

DARKEST
We can fight them on the ground. Bt once they get back into their
ship, they’ll be able to pound the hell out of us with it’s weapons.

OTHNIEL looks around.

OTHNIEL
Give me covering fire.

DARKEST
Got it.

DARKEST and the other begin firing while OTHNIEL jumps up and races toward the Landing Field.

MIKE COLLINS
Get back to the ship.
Then we can burn this place to the ground.

MOLOBO
Yessir!

They flee back toward the ship, STRAHA reaching it before them and ducking inside.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – LAND FIELD– DAY

The MYNX V is still intact. Othniel jumps into it.

INT. – SHUTTLE – MYNX V – DAY

OTHNIEL hits a few buttons and the shuttle lurches off the ground.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

The “KILL! KILL! KILL!” begins to rise off the ground.

INT. – KILL! KILL! KILL!” – BRIDGE – DAY

MIKE COLLINS rests in his command chair.

MIKE COLLINS
Fire upon them.
Destroy them all.
(beat)
Straha. You and I will have to have a talk later.

STRAHA is busily repacking his bong.

STRAHA
Sure, dude. Sure.

INT. – SHUTTLE – MYNX V – DAY

OTHNIEL hits a few controls.

OTHNIEL
Hope this works.

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

DARKEST and the others watch as the MYNX V flies directly at the slowly rising “KILL! KILL! KILL!” . At the last moment it opens a small vortex, the opening vortex begins clawing at the “KILL! KILL! KILL!”.

The shuttle plunges into the vortex, disappearing. The “KILL! KILL! KILL!” belches smoke and fire, shuddering in the air.

INT. – KILL! KILL! KILL!” – BRIDGE – DAY

MOLOBO
We got main weapons down. Shields down.
We’re losing power to several systems.

MIKE COLLINS
Can we get off the planet?

MOLOBO
Yes.

MIKE COLLINS
Can we shift?

MOLOBO
No. We’ll have to get the shift engines repaired.

MIKE COLLINS
Get us off this planet. Now!

EXT. – DARKEST RETREAT – RUINS OF HOTEL – DAY

DARKEST and the others watch as the “KILL! KILL! KILL!” continues to claw for altitude, slowly rising into the air.

They begin cheering as it slowly vanishes from sight.

DARKEST
God bless you, Othniel.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – MORNING

KEIRA KNIGHTLY, DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, and LUAKEL are sitting around a table, having breakfast.

G.BONE
Very nice of you to make breakfast, Keira.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
No problem. You guys were out all night fixing
those engines on that cheerleader ship. While every-
one was partying away like it was going out of style.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(piling plate high with food)
You know, Dave, that you should let Keira take
on more roles in the ship’s day to day activities,
instead of locked away in your quarters cooking
and cleaning for you.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s not all she does all day!

LUAKEL
And having sex with you.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ve been telling him I need more things to do,
but he’s been insistent that every guy on the
ship will be trying to seduce me if I leave the
quarters.

DAVE HOWERY
Thade is-

Suddenly the comm comes to life.

DOCTOR WHAT (on comm)
DAVE! What the hell happened?

DAVE HOWERY
(grinning to himself)
Whatever do you mean?

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is pacing back and forth, dressed in a tattered robe and slippers, his quarters seem devoid of any furnishings and material objects.

DOCTOR WHAT
Everything in my room is gone!
EVERYTHING!!!

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
Oh that. You see, the cheerleaders you picked
up tended to go a little klepto when they were
drunk. Seeing as how we weren’t allowed to
join in on the fun. We decided to help them
out some.

DOCTOR WHAT
All my stuff!

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
You should see the others..
(laughs)

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn you DAVE!

KIT walks out of DOCTOR WHAT’s bed room, wearing only a sheet.

KIT
Hey, why is there no bed in your room?
Last night there was, but now…

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn you DAVE!!

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY

OTHNIEL, DOCTOR WHAT, and GREY WOLF sit upon three lawn chairs, a unpturned crate serving as a desk in front of DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
So that’s what’s become of Straha?

OTHNIEL
He’s fallen in with a bad crowd.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bad crowd, my arse. He’s fallen in with one of the more evil
elements we’ve faced. It would have been worse if he’d join
the CF.net. but at leas tit’s semi incompetent Mike Collins.

GREY WOLF
What are we going to do about this?

DOCTOR WHAT
Dunno.

OTHNIEL stands up.

OTHNIEL
I’m gonna go after them.

DOCTOR WHAT
The hell you talking about?

OTHNIEL
I’m going to hunt down Straha and
bring him to justice for what he did.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Fine. I’ll tell the crew and
we’ll hunt them down.

OTHNIEL
No. I have to do this myself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

OTHNIEL
(far away look)
We all have our reasons…

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

GREY WOLF
I think he was going for the dramatic there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh…
(beat)
Sorry.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS