TEASER

EXT- LOS ANGELES- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of destruction. Los Angeles has been devastated by something. Buildings are gutted and burning, and bodies lie everywhere in the streets. Not a living person is seen. The camera pans along the bodies on one street, all showing signs of having been shot or burned. Some of the bodies look strange, with the people having fur, whiskers, and large baggy cheeks; others look normal. The camera pans from the street to a large towering building in a central part of the city. It is mostly intact, but many of the windows have been shattered, and smoke is rising out of them. The camera pans upward along the building, floor after floor, until it reaches the penthouse. This floor has several large holes in the walls. The camera moves in close to one and then goes inside the building.

INT- PENTHOUSE- DAY

The camera stops when a door leading into the room comes into view. It opens, and DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, MICHAEL, and TORQUMADA walk into the room. They are wearing clear face masks over their mouths and noses, with oxygen bottles feeding them fresh air. They look around for a moment, and then all eyes are drawn to something on the floor. The camera switches to their POV. It shows a single charred corpse on the floor, twisted in a position of agony. The camera switches back to the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
My God. All of that destruction just for this?

TORQUMADA
Looks like it. Actually, two things hit this timeline hard.
First of all, someone released a mutagenic virus that was
turning humans into giant hamsters. That happened at least
several months ago, judging from the level of infection.

MATT
And then someone else, I’m guessing, came along later and
slaughtered this entire planet. This happened just days ago;
the bodies outside are still too fresh for it to have been too
long ago. And whoever it was, they fought their way step by
step to get specifically to this room and kill this person, who-
ever it was. LEO says that there isn’t one human left alive on
this world, but whoever attacked, they especially wanted this
person dead. Most cities on this world were destroyed from orbit,
but not this one.

DOCTOR WHAT nudges the corpse with his toe; it rolls over slightly, revealing a skull with remnants of charred flesh sticking to it.

MATT
Damn. Looks like this guy was deep fried.
Plasma deep fried…

DOCTOR WHAT looks around the room, and then shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, whatever did this is long gone. There’s nothing we can
do to fix anything here, and we certainly can’t get any supplies
from here. Let’s go back to the ship and find us another timeline.
(sighs)
No porn this trip.

MATT
No booze either. And I’m running low on Wild Turkey.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what? I haven’t had any new
lesbian porn for the last 6 timelines.

TORQUMADA
Sheesh. Billions dead here,
and you guys are bemoaning
your lack of booze and porn?

DOCTOR WHAT
What else is there in life?

TORQUMADA
Well, there’s… uh… there’s
… okay, dang it, nothing else.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, I remember when I was young
and foolish and thought there was more
to life than booze and porn too. Now
I’ve gotten older and wiser; glad to see
you’re finally coming around too. Well,
anyway, let’s get the hell out of here.
This place is going to give me night-
mares for weeks.

The away team walks back out the door. The camera pans back to the charred corpse. A breeze blows through one of the holes in the wall and stirs the clothing on it. A glint of metal is seen, and the camera closes in on it. It is a nametag with a single word on it: LUAKEL.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“V IS FOR VENDETTA”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER AND DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The camera opens up on a scene high in orbit over the Earth. A wormhole opens up, and the AH.COM flies out of it, settling into orbit.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the room, showing us most of the crew at their stations. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in his chair. He looks around the room with an annoyed expression.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where the hell is DAVE HOWERY at?
I asked him to be here an hour ago.

LANDSHARK
(smirks)
Where do you think he is?
Still in his quarters.

DOCTOR WHAT groans in frustration. The door opens, and a disheveled (but happy looking) DAVE HOWERY walks in.

DAVE HOWERY
What’s up, boss?

DOCTOR WHAT swivels his chair around and looks at Dave rather grumpily.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know, just because you have KEIRA waiting
for you in your room, you don’t need to spend every
waking moment there. You do have duties to the ship,
you know. Yeah, you were never that great at them,
but still…

DAVE HOWERY
Keria, not that this time. Had to molecular
bond another six inches to my belt.

GBW
You have been letting yourself go, lately.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lately?
This is Dave Howery we’re talking about.

GBW
I stand corrected.

DAVE HOWERY
You guys are just jealous because…
(a look of shock and joy goes across his face)
Oh my frickin’ God! KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
is waiting for me in my quarters!
I’m going to have me some sex!

DAVE HOWERY turns and runs out of the control room. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who groans and puts his head in his hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh damn it. He’s gone again. He’s going to be
useless to us until he gets over this, isn’t he?

LANDSHARK
Was he ever that much use before this?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… he did sorta keep things running, by accident mostly,
but still. Oh well. LEO, what do you have on this timeline?

DOCTOR WHAT swivels back to face the view screen as LEO CAESIUS speaks.

LEO CAESIUS
This timeline seems mostly unremarkable. Moderate pollution,
several low key border wars, too many internal conflicts for
comfort. Hmmm… for some reason, US troops are fighting
in Iraq and Afghanistan.

MATT
Really? Wonder why… that sounds like two of the most
useless places on the planet to go military adventuring.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, from what I can see, it seems this world seems pretty primitive.
No advanced technology, no mad scientists with super science trying
to take over the world. Hell, they can barely get into space… just a few
rustbucket shuttles and some rockets for satellite launches.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, well, maybe we’ll have better luck on the next timeline.
LEO, start the preparations for a new shift and…

LEO CAESIUS
WARNING! VORTEX OPENING!

Everyone looks to the view screen.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

Another wormhole opens near the AH.COM. A massive ship exits the portal. It’s about as long as AH.com, but is four times as wide. It bristles with weaponry and communication masts. The ship is roughly a rectangle in shape, although it has several ‘islands’ on the top of it. The camera closes in on it, and a name is painted on one side: VENDETTA.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

Everyone is shocked.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is that thing?
(beat)
If only GREY WOLF were still here.
He’d recognize it.

LANDSHARK
A damn good time for him
to take his vacation days.

DOCTOR WHAT
He said he couldn’t miss the Monarchies of the
Multiverse Convention this year again.

EXT. THE VENDETTA

The camera leaps away from the one of the Vendetta’s dishes and flies towards the AH.com. When it hits the hull, the camera passes right through

IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS

She’s sharpening some knives and humming an old Quaker song to herself.

And then through

A NEST OF PIPES

And after that, into

LUAKEL’S ROOM

The young man is sitting on his bed, hard at work in a coloring book.

EXT. THE VENDETTA

A moment passes.

Then the big ship OPENS FIRE! Streams of laser fire and missiles erupt from hundreds of hard-points scattered across the surface of the Vendetta.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

Everyone panics.

GBW
Oh, boy.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Defenses!

LEO CAESIUS
On it!

EXT. AH.COM SHIP

Dozens of lasers erupt from the surface of the AH.com, striking enemy missiles out of space. Missiles, both defensive and offensive, pour out of their batteries, while the particle-beam cannon fire on the Vendetta.

It’s not enough. Most of the missiles are consumed in the approaching barrage, while the energy bursts and the missiles that do survive collide harmlessly with the Vendetta’s energy shields.

The Vendetta’s weapons are a bit more effective. Their weapons breach the shields mere seconds after their attack began and begin gnawing into the AH.com’s hull.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

The room shakes. Sparks erupt from consoles and light fixtures fall from the ceiling.

LEO CAESIUS
Hull breaches in two places.
Emergency force fields are non operational.
We’re losing atmosphere.
(addresses all aboard the ship)
Everyone suit up.

EXT. THE VENDETTA

The rain of fire stops.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

Everyone is astounded.

DOCTOR WHAT
They stopped firing. That’s odd.

LANDSHARK narrows his eyes.

LANDSHARK
(suspiciously)
Something’s going on.

He turns to the console.

LANDSHARK (cont’d)
Leo, what’s the status of shields and power?

LEO CAESIUS
Power at 50% overall; shield’s at 10%.

LANDSHARK scowls.

LANDSHARK
The shields are thin enough to teleport through.
Tell the rest of the crew to prepare for boarders.

Suddenly, a blue light flashes on the bridge. Three SPACE MARINES in powered armor materialize, and quickly train their guns on the bridge crew. One of them, a Marine whose helmet is painted to resemble the head of a fox, steps forward.

HIGHLANDER
In the name of the most holy Emperor
of Mankind, we take possession of this ship.

EXT. EARTH ORBIT

Meanwhile, the Vendetta has opened fire on the planet’s orbiting satellites and on the planet below. After a few seconds of this, ICBMs begin rising out of the gravity well, but the Vendetta’s lasers and missiles intercept them before they can get close.

INT. AH.COM LOUNGE

WEAPON M and MATT are sitting in front of the big screen plasma tv, drinking beer. Their plasma rifles are propped up on a nearby wall.

WEAPON M
Did I ever tell you about…

MATT
(exasperated)
I’m pretty sure…

WEAPON M
About that time I defeated the Raging
Bear of Metellus XI?

MATT leans forward.

MATT
You haven’t told me about that.

Suddenly, the PA system starts shouting.

LEO_CAESIUS
Intruder alert! Bridge overrun…

The transmission is cut off suddenly. A new voice replaces it.

TYRANNUS ZERO
My name is TYRANNUS ZERO and I am
the Force Commander of the Vendetta,
servant of the Most Holy Emperor of Mankind.
(beat)
We have determined that you are harboring a LUAKEL,
and that means death. Repent now, and we will grant
you the Emperor’s Peace. Continue to resist, and you
will be damned to the Eye of Terror for all eternity,
to be plaything of the Dark Gods…

WEAPON M and MATT look at each other.

WEAPON M
The fuck is that dumb ass talking about?

MATT
Dunno, but he said repent.
And he’s on board.

WEAPON M
The hell with that.

MATT
Yeah.

He reaches over and chambers a cartridge into his plasma rifle.

WEAPON M
Came here to chew bubble gum..

MATT
…and kick some ass.

WEAPON M/MATT
And we’re all we’re all outta bubble gum.

BLACKMAGE
(suddenly)
Not so fast.

WEAPON M and MATT turn. A SPACE MARINE in full armor is standing in the doorway of the lounge. He has an enormous bolter pointed at them.

BLACKMAGE (CONT’D)
Drop your weapons and BOW to the
Most Holy Emperor of Mankind.

MATT
Fuck off.

He opens fire with his plasma rifle, and WEAPON M joins him a moment later. The waves of blue-white fire envelope BLACKMAGE and smash him through a bulkhead.

MATT
That was easy.

BLACKMAGE pops back up again. His armor is melted around him and his exposed flesh is badly burned, but he’s still alive and his weapon is functional.

BLACKMAGE
Courage and honor!

He opens fire with his bolter. WEAPON M hurls himself and MATT behind a sofa as the rocket-propelled rounds rip through the room. BLACKMAGE turns the bolter on the sofa and the two militant AH.commers scramble out from behind it.

They duck behind the holographic wargaming table and fire at the Space Marine from behind it. BLACKMAGE hammers at the table with bolter fire, but the sturdy machine holds up for the moment.

WEAPON M looks over at the big-screen TV and raises an eyebrow. He turns to MATT.

WEAPON M
I’ll cover you. See if you can
lure him under the TV.

MATT
Why?

WEAPON M
So we can drop it on
him and pin him?

MATT
(shaking head fiercely)
Not the TV!

WEAPON M scowls.

WEAPON M
The TV can be replaced.
GO!

MATT
Shit. That thing’s still being paid off…

MATT scrambles out from behind the wargaming table. WEAPON M momentarily distracts BLACKMAGE with a sustained barrage of plasma fire. Then he scrambles out from behind the rapidly-disintegrating table into the nest of plush chairs.

BLACKMAGE strides purposely towards the plush chairs, ejecting one clip of bolter-rounds and chambering another.

Suddenly, MATT pops up from the other side of the TV.

MATT
Hey you big asshat!
Over here!

MATT ducks behind some arcade games. BLACKMAGE opens fire and blasts the top portions off. MATT screams in agony.

BLACKMAGE
At least I killed one of them.
(beat)
Time to make sure.

He strides towards the ruined arcade games and passes beneath the shadow of the big-screen TV. Suddenly…WEAPON M leaps from out of the plush chairs and shoves the TV off its shelf. It topples onto BLACKMAGE with a mighty crash, pinning him to the ground.

WEAPON M then opens fire on the trapped Space Marine at point blank range. The burning and the screaming go on for several seconds before BLACKMAGE falls silent. WEAPON M turns off the plasma jet and we get a glimpse of a bare skull immured in melted armor.

WEAPON M grins.

WEAPON M
(to MATT)
Good job!

MATT limps out from behind the ruined video games.

MATT
(pained)
Thanks. Now what.

WEAPON M
We withdraw to the shielded area around
the engines. That’s the plan in case boarders
seize the bridge—all the back-ups are there.

INT. SHIP’S CORRIDORS

The Space Marines fan out through the ship. HIGHLANDER is at the front, shouting orders.

HIGHLANDER
Take as many prisoners as possible! The Force Commander
wants intelligence, not corpses!

The Space Marines rush by a supply closet without checking it. A second later, IRONYUPPIE emerges. She whips out her yo-yo.

IRONYUPPIE
Time to take them from the rear.

Suddenly, a slender, feminine-appearing Space Marine pounces on her from behind. IRONYUPPIE rolls to avoid a blast from a flamer.

SBEGIN
Long live the Emperor!
Death to heretics!

IRONYUPPIE unleashes her yo-yo. SBEGIN’s gun hand is quickly lashed to her torso and IRONYUPPIE turns on the electricity. Lightning sparks from SBEGIN’s armor and she SCREAMS as the electricity pumps through her.

IRONYUPPIE is astonished.

IRONYUPPIE
Glad I bought the newest version.

Suddenly, a SPACE MARINE appears behind IRONYUPPIE. He brings down his armored fist like a club. IRONYUPPIE is knocked out. The space marine raises his helmet for a moment to look down at her, and we see the face of sergeant LEEJ.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SHIP

PSYCHOMELTDOWN empties his Derringer into a SPACE MARINE, but it doesn’t do any damage. He pulls out handful of receipts from his pocket and throws it at the SPACE MARINE, then bolts down the corridor, slowing down only to hit buttons on the wall to close the doors.

After passing through and closing several doorways, he stops and catches his breath.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That ought to slow them down a bit.

Suddenly, a BATTLE SISTER comes around a corner. She lunges at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN screams. In a move driven more by fear and luck than by actual skill, he flips the BATTLE SISTER over his head.

As she sails through the air above him, her helmet somehow comes off. She manages to land on her feet and turns around to face PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

It’s ALYSON HANNIGAN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(jaw dropping)
Alyson…

She knees him in the crotch.

REACTION SHOT: PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S FACE .

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(groaning)
I’ve dreamed of this glorious moment…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN slumps onto the floor. ALYSON picks him up and carries him away.

INT. THE ENGINE ROOM

Marines shout in the distance. GBW hustles LUAKEL towards the huge engine.

GBW
Quick, go…

A SPACE MARINE pops out of nowhere and clubs GBW over the head. He is about to hoist him over his shoulder when he spots LUAKEL.

SPACE MARINE
It’s one of them!

The SPACE MARINE tosses GBW to the side and opens fire on LUAKEL. LUAKEL runs. The MARINE pursues when…

TWO BLASTS OF PLASMA FIRE CATCH HIM FROM BEHIND.

The MARINE’s armor, and his eyes, begin melting. Shrieking in pain, he turns and brings up his bolter at WEAPON M AND MATT but he’s overcome by the heat and collapses, his molten armor pooling around him.

WEAPON M
G.BONE! Where are you?

INT. TELEPORTATION ROOM

A BATTLE SISTER has G.BONE cornered against a console.

BATTLE SISTER
I will enjoy burning you alive,
heretic sc…

Suddenly MICHAEL leaps on top of her from behind. The BATTLE SISTER easily flips him over and he face-plants into the ground in front of G.BONE, spattering blood on him.

BATTLE SISTER
As I was saying…

Suddenly, bolter fire roars behind her and she goes down. MATT stands there, holding a scorched bolt pistol. He looks at the weapon in awe.

MATT
Damn! I’m keeping this.

WEAPON M steps forward.

WEAPON M
G.BONE, trigger the defense protocol.

G. BONE
What?

WEAPON M sighs.

WEAPON M
It dates back to when this ship fought
the Neanderthals. It locks down the engines
and other rear areas of the ship, to repel boarders.

WEAPON M points to a big red button. G.BONE pushes it.

HALLWAYS OF THE SHIP

Blast doors begin closing at various vital intersections.

INT. VENDETTA SHUTTLE LANDING BAY

The camera opens on a scene of the AH.COM crew prisoners being led across a large chamber. Space Marines in full armor and weaponry are escorting them, HIGHLANDER in the lead. The camera sweeps across the face of DOCTOR WHAT at the head of the crew, followed by PSYCHOMELTDOWN, IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and the rest of the captives.

The camera pulls back slowly, showing that the group is walking through a huge assembly area. The room is filled with tight packed ranks of hundreds of Space Marines. In the background, a group of Assault Marines are testing out their jump packs, several of them rising into the air and lowering again. SBEGIN stands in front of the assembled Battle Sisters.

The other side of the room has dozens of vehicles parked there: Whirlwind missile launchers, Predator tanks, and walking Dreadnoughts.

The camera closes back in on the prisoners as they are led on across the room. The camera focuses for a moment on several of the Marine leaders in the background. Assault Marine sergeant THE BALD IMPOSTER is seen looking at the prisoners with mild disgust. The camera pans across Marine sergeants HAPSBURG, NAPOLEON XIV, NEK, LEEJ, and STEFFEN, quietly conversing among themselves. They stop and look in moderate anger as the prisoners are led past them. The last group the prisoners move past is a regiment of Terminator Marines in very heavy armor. Their sergeant takes off his helmet as they move past, revealing the face of UBBERGEEK. The prisoners and their escort move through a door at the far side of the room, beneath the gigantic image of the Imperial Eagle.

The door shuts behind them.

REVIEWING CHAMBER

FORCE COMMANDER TYRANNUS ZERO watches the assembled soldiers from a chamber overlooking the assembly area. He’s huge even for a Space Marine, and his head is shaved. EVIL MrP, a smaller SPACE MARINE who carries a staff topped with a horned skull, stands beside him.

TYRANNUS ZERO
So these are the heretics who are harboring
a LUAKEL?

EVIL MrP steps forward and touches a finger to his forehead. DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, and some of the others fall to their knees. IRONYUPPIE manages to keep standing, but pain wracks her face.

EVIL MrP
Yes, Force Commander.
(beat)
However, it seems they are
unaware of the nature of the threat.

TYRANNUS ZERO snorts.

TYRANNUS ZERO
Ignorance is no defense for heretics.
(beat)
However, I will be sure to let them know
the nature of theirsin before they die,
so that they can enjoy the Emperor’s Peace.
How goes the fight for the ship?

EVIL MrP taps his finger to his forehead. After a moment, he responds.

EVIL MrP
Two-thirds of the ship is already
under our control. The remainder of the heretics
have holed up behind blast doors that protect their
engines, teleport facilities, etc.
(beat)
I believe the LUAKEL is among them,
but I can’t find him right now.

TYRANNUS ZERO cuffs him on the shoulder.

TYRANNUS ZERO
If you can’t detect LUAKELs, what use are you?

EVIL MrP gives a barely-perceptible scowl.

EVIL MrP
My psychic senses are affected somehow by their
drive fields. However, I know he’s still aboard.

TYRANNUS ZERO nods.

TYRANNUS ZERO
Good. Psych SBEGIN and HIGHLANDER.
Tell them to return to the enemy ship and
keep fighting until it is taken.
(beat)
I’ll go have a chat with their captain.

EVIL MrP
Yes sir.

INT. DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS

DAVE struggles into his flak jacket and cammo pants while KEIRA scrambles back into her dress.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Who’s attacking us?

DAVE HOWERY
Not sure. It’s not the CF.net.
They’re tough, but they’re not THIS tough.
(beat)
And it’s not the ASBs, or else
we’d be dead already.

He pulls his two chain-saws down from the wall. He gestures with one towards KEIRA.

DAVE HOWERY
Think you’re ready to use them in a real fight?

KEIRA is somewhat hesitant.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
I don’t kn…

DAVE is about to speak when a huge SPACE MARINE batters down the door on top of him. The door hits DAVE hard on the back of the head, and he goes down, but fortunately, the door obscures him and his weapons from the attacker. The SPACE MARINE goes straight for KEIRA and carries her kicking and screaming out the door.

Seconds later, a battered DAVE pulls him out from under the door. His eyes are crossed and unfocused, and he seems to have problems speaking for a moment. He shakes his head, and his eyes finally focus. He looks around the room.

DAVE HOWERY
Keira? Keira!
(beat)
KEIRA!!!

A look of sheer rage goes across his face. He revs up both the chain-saws and runs out the door.

INT. AH.COM HALLWAY

DAVE rushes through the hallway, chainsaws roaring.

He turns a corner and encounters

A GROUP OF SPACE MARINES

Two of them lie dead on the floor. Four of them have got a tired-looking DMA cornered against the bulkhead.

SPACE MARINE
Be careful! This one’s got
the Black Rage!

DMA spots DAVE.

DMA
Dave?

DAVE’s appearance renews his strength.

DMA (CONT’D)
JIHAD!

He charges. The SPACE MARINES fall back…

Straight into DAVE’s roaring chainsaws. He quickly makes hash of them, and cuts down the last one who attempts to flee past him, turning his back on DMA for a moment.

DMA
Well, I guess I’ll never be mocking ya behind your back anymore…

DAVE HOWERY turns back around, and the look on his face is pure rage and insanity. He doesn’t seem to really recognize DMA, and his hands grip the chainsaws so hard that the veins stand out on his arms.

DAVE HOWERY
KEIRAAAAAAA!!!!

He stomps on the floor with rage and howls wordlessly.

DMA
Uh oh.

DMA turns and runs. DAVE HOWERY finally seems to notice him and runs after him.

AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ENGINE ROOM- DAY

DMA is seen running down the corridor at full tilt. A pair of space marines steps into the hall from a side corridor. DMA slams into them at full tilt, and all three go down in a heap. DMA is up first, and sprints down the corridor. The blast doors open and we see MATT frantically waving at DMA to get inside. The two space marines pick themselves up and ready their weapons to fire… but an incoherent yell behind them makes them whirl around. DAVE HOWERY uses both chainsaws to slice both bolters in half. The marines drop the useless grips and start to draw their chainswords, but both are cut down by DAVE HOWERY before they can get into action.

He turns towards the blast doors. They’re closed now.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- REDOUBT- DAY

MATT and WEAPON M look with astonishment at DMA, who has his thumb on the control panel for the blast doors. In addition to having them shut, he pushes a button that says “Lock”.

MATT
You just locked DAVE HOWERY outside with them!
What the hell are you doing?!

DMA
He’s gone nuts! He’s killing everything in sight!

WEAPON M pushes an intercom button by the door. Nothing but wordless growling is heard for a moment, and then DAVE HOWERY is heard yelling, “Keiraaaaaa!”. Suddenly, one of the adamantium chainsaw blades punches a hole in the door, just missing WEAPON M, who backs away in haste. He looks at MATT with a worried look.

WEAPON M
Uh oh. Sounds like they got KEIRA. What do we do now?
He’s going to compromise the door here in a minute.

MATT takes out a communicator.

MATT
G BONE! Can you do anything with the teleporter yet?

G BONE
(on comm unit)
Well… the other ship has shields up. I can’t
get a signal over there to bring anything back.
But they are sending troops back and forth;
I could piggyback our signal on one of theirs
and send someone over to their ship… but
they’d end up right in the middle of the troops
going over there.

MATT
Do it. Lock onto DAVE HOWERY
and send him over there.

WEAPON M looks at MATT with grin.

WEAPON M
I’d pity those poor bastards, but oddly, I don’t.

MATT grins back.

The adamantium chainsaw blade pokes another hole in the blast doors.

DMA
Do it! Do it! Now!

MATT
(into comm unit)
Send him now!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BLAST DOORS- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen withdrawing his chainsaw from the hole he made, and lining it up for another cut. He suddenly vanishes with a pop. He reappears in…

A VENDETTA HALLWAY

The camera focuses on DAVE HOWERY, who is in the same position, arm with chainsaw raised, when he realizes that he is facing a blank wall now. He looks over his shoulder.

And sees a squad of very surprised space marines looking back at him.

DAVE HOWERY
KEIRA!!

He leaps forward, arms out like he’s flying, slicing two MARINES in half.

INT- VENDETTA- INTERROGATION ROOM- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a room that is dark with a single harsh light shining down on a chair. A table stands nearby, with a tray of nasty looking tools on it. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the chair, with hands and feet bound. As he looks around in worry, the door opens, and TYRANNUS ZERO enters. He passes in front of the light and casts an enormous shadow over DOCTOR WHAT. He sets down his data pad and fixes the good doctor with a lethal stare.

TYRANNUS ZERO
Where is the LUAKEL? Our scans detected
him on your ship; now he has vanished.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? LUAKEL? You’ve done all this just to get to him?

TYRANNUS ZERO
It is our mission. We roam the timelines seeking
any Earth that has a LUAKEL on it and destroy it,
and his allies. You are guilty of conspiring to conceal
a LUAKEL from us, and you and your crew have
been declared heretics. Your lives are forfeit. Yet,
we can make your deaths mercifully brief. Simply
tell us where he is.

DOCTOR WHAT
(obviously confused)
He was on the ship when you attacked. If he isn’t
there now, I have no idea where he could be.

TYRANNUS ZERO looks angry for a moment, and his hand moves toward the bolter pistol at his belt. Yet he controls himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
You totally have to work on your “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine.

TYRANNUS ZERO
(Ignoring DOCTOR WHAT’s comment)
Perhaps you do not understand the danger you face.
Nothing in the multiverse is as dangerous as this foe.
The Ork, the Eldar, the beasts of Chaos, none of
these enemies is as capable of sheer destruction
as the LUAKEL. His kind have wreaked havoc
across many timelines.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, he is a teenage boy, but still….

TYRANNUS ZERO
He is not alone. Millions of his kind exist, all clones,
all infected with heresy and Chaos. They are created
only to destroy innocent worlds. Some are genius at
genetic engineering, others are mechanical masterminds,
but all are destructive.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? Ours isn’t much good at anything. Mostly,
he just tries to look at porn on the computer, steals
booze from the stores, and abuses himself in the
bathrooms. But why are you bothering to do this?
So much effort to cause so much destruction…

TYRANNUS ZERO
(angrily)
Why?! Because the LUAKEL that was sent to
our world committed the ultimate sacrilege. He
infiltrated a factory and geared it to produce
teleporting nuclear weapons that destroyed a
large part of the Earth. One of these bombs was sent
into the Imperial Palace and killed our Divine Emperor!
For this most horrible of crimes, all LUAKELs on all
timelines must be eradicated!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, if he was divine,
how could he be killed…

TYRANNUS ZERO
(roars)
Silence, heretic!
(calms down)
Our Emperor had ruled our planet for 10,000 years,
protecting us from the alien, the heretic, the mutant.
And a lone LUAKEL brought low our glorious leader
in an instant. Finding them and destroying the worlds
they’ve infected is our way of making amends for our
lapse in vigilance.

DOCTOR WHAT
You realize that you will never be able to finish the job.
There are billions of timelines out there, and the Multiverse
will come to an end before you can go to them all.

TYRANNUS ZERO
Ah, but we don’t need to. In our travels, we have
discovered the great and terrible secret behind the
LUAKEL. There is a single timeline that produces
the LUAKEL clones. It is said that this timeline is
home to a great machine that creates both clones
and timeline vortexes. The machine makes a clone
and then sends it to a random timeline to spread
destruction. We will find this timeline and destroy
the machine. Along the way, we destroy the LUAKEL
wherever we find it.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve heard that rumor as well, and I’ve run into
LUAKEL clones a few times too. But ours isn’t
a clone… he’s just a teenage boy. He had parents
and everything.

TYRANNUS ZERO
We cannot take that chance. The LUAKEL is deceitful
and cunning. And now… I must insist that you tell me
where he is hidden. I don’t want to be unpleasant here,
but I must know.

TYRANNUS ZERO walks over to the table and picks up a long handled tool that has a tiny round saw blade on the end. He pushes a button on the handle, and the saw blade whirls around. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who turns pale, but doesn’t say anything. TYRANNUS ZERO moves towards DOCTOR WHAT, looking down at him grimly, and brings the saw blade close to his face. The intercom suddenly is heard.

ZARTH
Force Commander! Please come
to the bridge at once. We have a situation.

TYRANNUS ZERO steps back from DOCTOR WHAT reluctantly.

TYRANNUS ZERO
I will return. While I am gone,
consider your options here carefully.

He walks out of the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
it would have been cooler if he said;
“I’ll be back”.
(sighs)
I need a drink.

INT. VENDETTA CORRIDORS

DAVE continues rampaging down the corridors, hacking SPACE MARINES, BATTLE SISTERS, and RANDOM CREW to pieces with his dual chainsaws. He is howling incoherently as he strikes, occasionally stopping to scream, “Keiraaaaa!”.

INT. VENDETTA CONTROL ROOM

TYRANNUS ZERO enters. ZARTH turns to him.

TYRANNUS ZERO
What’s going on?

ZARTH
Somehow they were able to
get one of their crew aboard.

A ghost of a smile crosses TYRANNUS ZERO’s face.

TYRANNUS ZERO
As if we haven’t brought
enough of them aboard today…

ZARTH does not laugh.

ZARTH
Sir, he’s killed at least
fifteen of our people.

He gestures to a screen that shows DAVE slashing two fully-armored SPACE MARINES to pieces.

TYRANNUS ZERO’s eyes widen, but only slightly.

TYRANNUS ZERO
“It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.”
(beat)
But it’s better to kill the other fellow in the name of the Emperor.
Send Terminators after him.

INT. VENDETTA’S SHUTTLE LANDING BAY

EVIL MrP stands beneath the gigantic Imperial Eagle, watching one of the shuttles arrive.

Something begins buzzing and the air around him begins to shift. He grins.

EVIL MrP
Keira…

INT. VENDETTA CORRIDORS

DAVE’s rampage continues. He slashes two SPACE MARINES in half and kicks a MINOR CREWMAN in the groin and cuts off his head.

Then he rounds a bend and encounters a MARINE TERMINATOR. DAVE HOWERY howls and slams into the massive figure… only to bounce off without even shaking him. He shakes his head, and the insane rage seems to leave him. He looks at the massive armored figure in front of him as if seeing it for the first time.

DAVE HOWERY
Huh?

The TERMINATOR opens fire with its storm-bolter. DAVE ducks into a room and slams the door behind him.

DAVE HOWERY
(wipes sweat from his brow)
Whew.

Then the lights click on.

ANOTHER MARINE TERMINATOR

is standing there.

DAVE HOWERY
Shit!

He throws himself to the side as the SECOND TERMINATOR opens up with its storm bolter. The attack blows the door and the walls of the corridor down, on top of the FIRST TERMINATOR.

FIRST TERMINATOR
Not me you idiot! Him!

The SECOND TERMINATOR turns to shoot at DAVE, who has run up behind it. DAVE is too close to hit, and buries his chainsaw in the back of the SECOND TERMINATOR’S skull.

The FIRST TERMINATOR opens fire. DAVE uses the corpse of the SECOND TERMINATOR as a shield and manages to survive the terrifying wave of storm-bolter fire.

The FIRST TERMINATOR lowers his gun and strides forward. He sweeps the dead SECOND TERMINATOR aside with a massive lightning claw and opens fire again. DAVE rolls out of the way, although a bullet grazes his face and leaves a nasty mark.

As DAVE rolls, he hurls one of his chainsaws into the FIRST TERMINATOR’S gun arm, lopping it off. The TERMINATOR roars in pain and swings his lightning claw at DAVE. DAVE catches the blow on his second chainsaw and lops two of its fingers off.

The FIRST TERMINATOR does not give up easily. He hurls himself at DAVE, trying to crush him with his superior mass.

DAVE jams the whirling adamantium chainsaw between himself and the FIRST TERMINATOR. The chainsaw buries itself in his gut, but his enemy keeps coming. The enemy’s sheer mass threatens to push the whirling blade into DAVE’s chest.

DAVE HOWERY
Die, you big ugly fuck, die!!

He drops to his knees and slides out between the FIRST TERMINATOR’s legs. The gigantic Marine continues along until he collides with a wall. The chainsaw drops from the Marine’s gut, followed by blood and viscera. The FIRST TERMINATOR falls to his knees, moaning in agony.

DAVE picks up his first chainsaw and steps over to the dying Marine. Quickly, mercifully, he lops off the FIRST TERMINATOR’s head.

His grim task finished, DAVE retrieves his second chainsaw and peeks out of the hall. His jaw drops as he sees KEIRA being led down the hall by EVIL MrP, who has since shed his Space Marine armor and wears the ceremonial robes of an Imperial Librarian.

DAVE HOWERY
Keira…

Before he can move, EVIL MrP has pushed her through a doorway. DAVE’s expression turns murderous.

DAVE HOWERY
If you lay a hand on her, ginger boy,
I’ll have your balls.

INT. EVIL MrP’s QUARTERS

EVIL MrP prods a frightened KEIRA through the door, and shuts it behind him. He gestures to a chair in front of his desk and she hesitantly sits down.

EVIL MrP
Tell me, how does an attractive
young lady such as yourself
end up traveling with a band of
ruffians like them?

KEIRA is defiant.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
DAVE HOWERY, the bravest and most wonderful man
in the Multiverse, rescued me from a terrible fate.

EVIL MrP plays along.

EVIL MrP
What fate might that be?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
I would have been a human sacrifice…

EVIL MrP raises an eyebrow.

EVIL MrP
To the Four Dark Gods?

KEIRA shakes her head.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
No. The terrible swamp god.

EVIL MrP
Ah. It’s a pity such a brave man had to die.

KEIRA’s eyes go wide.

EVIL MrP
Had I known, I could have prevented the other Marines from
killing him, but it’s too late for that now.

KEIRA scowls.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
I don’t believe you.

EVIL MrP
I know that.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
How?

EVIL MrP
I’m a psyker. I can read minds, and
manipulate things with a gesture.

He gestures towards a wine bottle and it floats in the air towards him. A glass floats over to the bottle, which pops open. The glass essentially pours itself.

The filled glass then floats towards KEIRA.

EVIL MrP
Would you like some?

KEIRA shakes her head.

EVIL MrP (cont’d)
Fine with me.

The glass floats over to him, and he sips from it without using his hands. Then he looks intently at Keira.

EVIL MrP
We travel across the Multiverse, hunting for Luakels.
The penalty for harboring a Luakel is death.

KEIRA begins to look afraid.

EVIL MrP
Whole worlds have been exterminated for
this crime. The Most Holy Emperor had to be avenged.

His expression softens a bit.

EVIL MrP
But I think I can protect you.
(muttering)
They took me from my family and forced me into a
life of Imperial service. They owe me that much.

KEIRA scowls again.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
You’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you?

EVIL MrP grins.

EVIL MrP
Perhaps you’re a psyker too?

KEIRA snorts.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
No, you’re just about as subtle as a flying rock.

EVIL MrP approaches and leans over KEIRA.

EVIL MrP
(smiling)
I’ll be even less subtle then.
(beat)
I’m bisexual, but I lean towards women.

KEIRA doesn’t respond with words. Instead, she kicks him in the groin.

EVIL MrP staggers back. Murder flares in his eyes. He gestures, and a length of cable unspools itself from under his bed. Before KEIRA can move, her arms and legs are secured to the chair.

EVIL MrP takes down a chainsword from the wall. He flicks the switch and it roars to whirling life. The camera closes in on a dial on the handle that EVIL MrP is adjusting with his thumb. It moves through settings labeled ‘chop’, ‘slice’, ‘dice’, ‘puree’, and stops on one labeled ‘remove clothing from young British actresses’.

EVIL MrP
(grins)
We’re going to have some fun.

Suddenly, two ADAMANTIUM CHAINSAW BLADES force themselves through the door.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Dave!

EVIL MrP raises his eyebrow.

EVIL MrP
Someone is always ruining my fun.
(shakes head)
Damn shame.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. EVIL MrP’S QUARTERS

DAVE HOWERY kicks down the ruined door, dual chainsaws growling ominously.

DAVE HOWERY
Hands off the lady.

EVIL MrP snorts.

EVIL MrP
How do you propose to make me?

DAVE gestures with the chainsaws. EVIL MrP raises his chain-sword.

EVIL MrP
Well then, old boy, a duel to the death it is.

The two go at it. DAVE deflects EVIL MrP’s attack with one chainsaw and brings the other down like a hammer towards the Librarian’s head. EVIL MrP gestures with a free hand and knocks the falling attack sideways. DAVE is perturbed, but EVIL MrP grins.

EVIL MrP
Fighting a psyker is hard, isn’t it?

DAVE grins.

DAVE HOWERY
Don’t gloat until you’ve actually won.

He kicks EVIL MrP in the groin. EVIL MrP falls onto one knee and DAVE knees him in the face. EVIL MrP topples backward. DAVE swings both chainsaws down onto his opponent, hoping to finish him off.

EVIL MrP gestures and DAVE flies backwards into the wall. He rises to his feet, grimacing in fury, and spits out a broken tooth.

EVIL MrP
You’re going to pay for that.
(beat)
And she’ll pay for it afterwards. Damn it,
kicked in the groin twice in one day!

DAVE rises to his feet and lunges, both chain-saws aimed at EVIL MrP’s chest. EVIL MrP gestures and the cables unwind from KEIRA and tangle DAVE’s blades. While DAVE is tangled, he leaps forward, sword aimed at DAVE’s skull.

DAVE cuts through the cables and crosses the chainsaws in front of him. EVIL MrP’s eyes bulge and he reverses course in midair, landing nimbly on the ground. DAVE charges, chainsaws whirling, and EVIL MrP flees.

DAVE turns to KEIRA, giving her a quick embrace.

DAVE HOWERY
Stay here.

She nods vigorously.

DAVE HOWERY (CONT’D)
I’ll bring you his head.

He sets off in pursuit

OUT THE DOOR—CONTINUOUS

He’s barely out the door when

EVIL MrP LUNGES FROM THE SIDE

DAVE barely dodges the chainsword blow meant for his head. He spins and aims a blow at EVIL MrP’s rib cage that the latter deflects with a psychic hit.

EVIL MrP
Did you really think I’d run away, old boy?

DAVE HOWERY
Pretty much.

The duel continues. EVIL MrP is more skilled, but DAVE is more angry and aggressive. Slowly, DAVE drives EVIL MrP down the corridor into

THE GENERATOR CHAMBER

The Vendetta’s primary power source is a huge, terrifying thing. Its cylindrical shape growls and sparks lightning, and a dozen of TECH PRIESTS swarm around it, chanting incantations and manning control panels. Two smaller generators, one marked “Shields,” flank the large central one.

When DAVE and EVIL MrP barrel in, the TECH PRIESTS all run.

EVIL MrP leaps atop a console and, sword down, dive-bombs DAVE. Rather than catch the chainsword on the shoulder, DAVE leaps up and slams into EVIL MrP’s gut. The psyker falls back onto the console but rolls off, barely dodging a hammer-blow from DAVE’s right chainsaw that cuts the console in half.

THE MAIN GENERATOR

begins shuddering.

THE BATTLE

continues. Evil MrP swings his own weapon, but DAVE catches the blow on his left chainsaw.

DAVE HOWERY
Why the hell doesn’t your chainsword fall apart?
The others’ did.

EVIL MrP
Upgraded with adamantium.
(beat)
I take it your weapon’s the same?

The two continue dueling, doing grievous amounts of property damage in the process. One console destroyed in the fight is labeled “Teleporter Power and Control”. The TECH PRIESTS rush around the combatants, trying frantically to repair the damage the two are causing. They manage to stabilize the main generator, but a swing from DAVE’s chainsaw cuts a series of cables running into the shield generator. A TECH PRIEST dives towards the severed cables, but it’s too late.

A series of fuses blow on the shield generator.

INT. VENDETTA PRISON CELL

FLOCCULENCIO, IRONYUPPIE, and LANDSHARK sit in an energy-shielded cell.

Suddenly, the shields go out. The BATTLE SISTER guarding them does not see the shields disappear.

The AH.commers look at each other and pounce on the BATTLE SISTER.

IRON YUPPIE
AH.COMMERS RULE!

FLOCCULENCIO
HUZZAH!!!

INT. GENERATOR ROOM

EVIL MrP looks annoyed.

EVIL MrP
Damn and blast.
(beat)
You’re going to pay for that.

He gestures and DAVE rises into the air. An evil grin crosses EVIL MrP’s face and DAVE is slammed into the deck.

INT. AH.COM HALLWAY

WEAPON M and MATT step back from gunports built into the blast doors.

WEAPON M
There are too many of them.
(beat)
The door can’t take more pounding.

Suddenly, G.BONE starts shouting. MATT raises his rifle.

MATT
Oh crap. They must have broken through somewhere else.

G.BONE (O.S.)
No! The enemy ship’s shields have gone down!
Their teleporter just went off line too!

MATT scratches his head.

MATT
Great. How can we take advantage?

G.BONE
Well, we do have control of the weapons.
(beat)
However, that thing’s so big, I doubt we can break it
apart with an external attack before the boarders break in here.

WEAPON M smiles.

WEAPON M
How about an inside attack?

MATT
How?

G.BONE gets it.

G.BONE
That remote-control nuclear demolition
charge we picked up a few worlds back.
(beat)
If we can teleport it aboard the ship,
we can rip them a new one. And they
can’t teleport it away either.

WEAPON M grins.

WEAPON M
I like the way you think.
(beat)
Problem is, the nuke is in the armory
and that’s outside. The enemy probably controls it.

He looks at DMA.

WEAPON M
Let’s take it back.
(beat)
G.BONE, let them think that we don’t
know their shields are down. We don’t
want to play our hand too early.
(beat)
If we don’t get back, fire on that thing with all weapons.
Hurt them as best you can.

WEAPON M and DMA walk out of the room. MATT moves to follow, but WEAPON M stops him with a look.

WEAPON M
Stay here. Hold those Marine bastards off.

MATT
Hey, I was a Marine!

WEAPON M
I meant Space Marines.

MATT
Hey, I was a Space Marine.

WEAPON M
No, I mean those dorks in the armor.

MATT
Hey, I’m in armor!

WEAPON M
Fine just hold off those guys over there.

MATT
(grinning)
Got it.

INT. THE GENERATOR CHAMBER

EVIL MrP stands over DAVE HOWERY, his chainsword raised.

EVIL MrP
That was a mite beastly thing you did there,
shutting down the shield generators.

As he gloats, we see someone behind EVIL MrP, picking up one of the chainsaws.

EVIL MrP
Don’t worry though, old boy.
We’ll get them back running and…
Oh blimey!

EVIL MrP leaps to side. He barely dodges a chainsaw-slash from KEIRA. The weapon’s heavy weight yanks KEIRA forward, and DAVE rolls to the side to protect his crotch.

DAVE HOWERY
Careful Keira, careful !

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
(glares)
You act like I just didn’t save your life.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, you did, and thanks for that, but…

Suddenly, KEIRA starts rising in the air. She floats out of the way to reveal EVIL MrP. Using gestures, EVIL MrP guides her to a convenient piece of metal sticking out of the overhead walkway and gently hooks her onto it by her collar.

EVIL MrP
Now that wasn’t very nice.
(to DAVE)
Talented bird you got there.
Shagging her will sure be fun.

DAVE rises to his feet and picks up the chainsaws.

DAVE HOWERY
Not if I have anything to say about it.

The battle resumes.

THE WALKWAY OVER THE GENERATOR

FLOCCULENCIO, IRONYUPPIE, and LANDSHARK run over the walkway, several SPACE MARINES in pursuit. FLOCC sees KEIRA hanging from the walkway.

FLOCCULENCIO
Keira!

Despite the fact that SPACE MARINES are bearing down on them, he rushes over to her.

FLOCCULENCIO
Give me your hand!

KEIRA looks at him suspiciously.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
You’re trying to bed me again, aren’t you?

FLOCC looks at her like she’s insane. He gestures to THE BATTLE BELOW where DAVE is clearly gaining the upper hand over EVIL MrP.

FLOCCULENCIO gestures to DAVE.

FLOCCULENCIO
Do you think I want to mess with that ?

KEIRA looks at him and then looks at DAVE. She gives FLOCC her hand.

FLOCC pulls her up over the walkway just in time for

THE SPACE MARINES

to seize them both. IRONYUPPIE rushes to aid them, but an armored fist of THE BALD IMPOSTER sends her sprawling.

LANDSHARK

is not happy.

LANDSHARK
You’re making me angry.
(beat)
You won’t like me when I’m angry.

With a SCREAM, he hurls himself into sergeant NEK. He hits him and promptly bounces off and slams into the floor. The SPACE MARINES scoop him up too.

One of them spies the battle below.

NEK
Think we should help out?

The OTHER SPACE MARINES look. EVIL MrP has regained the upper hand.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Let the psyker have some fun. Let’s get
them back to the cells.

The MARINES carry the AH.com escapees off.

BELOW

DAVE ducks a swing from EVIL MrP and kicks him in the groin. EVIL MrP staggers and DAVE strikes his chainsword full-on, lopping off part of it. EVIL MrP stares at the blade in horror.

DAVE HOWERY
Obviously your adamantium wasn’t as good as mine.

EVIL MrP scowls.

EVIL MrP
Perhaps.

He gestures and DAVE’s arms fly to the side, leaving his chest open. EVIL MrP thrusts what’s left of his blade at DAVE’s gut.

DAVE manages to twist out of the way, but the mangled blade rips open his shirt and draws blood. He swings his right chainsaw inward in a blow meant to decapitate the enemy psyker.

EVIL MrP deflects the blow with a psychic attack, but he isn’t fast enough. Instead of missing him completely, DAVE’s chainsaw rips open his shoulder.

EVIL MrP
Gahhh!!

INT. AH.COM CORRIDORS

DMA and WEAPON M creep down a corridor. They approach a junction, and duck into a corridor as a SPACE MARINE walks by.

WEAPON M
(whispering)
Their bolters are more effective against
their armor than our plasma rifles.
(gestures with the captured bolter)
Try to get one of your own, and
be sure to get clips off the dead ones.

WEAPON M emerges from the doorway and creeps down the corridor. He peeks left, then right, and signals that it’s safe to DMA.

The two of them slowly make their way down the corridor. They come to another juncture and WEAPON M slowly peeks around the corner and suddenly jumps back.

WEAPON M
(whispering)
Three SPACE MARINES guarding the armory.
(beat)
Time for a distraction.

He creeps back from the corner and removes two bullets from a pocket. He then tosses them across the floor. The clattering echoes in the deserted hallway.

NEAR THE ARMORY

Two SPACE MARINES leave their post to investigate. They approach the juncture.

THE JUNCTURE

WEAPON M and DMA raise their weapons.

Both SPACE MARINES jump into the juncture, one pointing his weapon down the corridor and the other pointing their weapon up the corridor. The AH.commers fire, taking down the first SPACE MARINE before he has a chance to fire. The other spins, only to catch a bolter burst in the face.

Meanwhile, DMA has charged down the corridor. The one SPACE MARINE left guarding the armory opens fire with his bolter. DMA rolls into a doorway, but not before tossing a grenade.

The grenade goes off, cracking the SPACE MARINE’S armor. DMA pops out of the corridor and gets off a small plasma burst, but bolter fire forces him back into cover. DMA reaches down to his belt, but finds no more grenades.

DMA
Crap.

Bolter fire echoes from the other direction. It’s WEAPON M. The already-wounded SPACE MARINE goes down.

WEAPON M rushes past.

WEAPON M
Quick! They probably called for help!

WEAPON M disappears into the armory. DMA waits outside.

A SPACE MARINE and two BATTLE SISTERS appear seconds later. DMA snatches up the fallen MARINE’s bolter and aims the plasma rifle one-handed.

DMA
Jihad!

He hurls himself into the attackers in a spray of bolter and plasma fire.

WEAPON M emerges from the armory with the nuclear charge under his arm and the bolter ready. He sees DMA crouching over them. He’s been hit in the shoulder and another round has grazed his face, but he’s otherwise intact.

WEAPON M
Let’s get out of here.

AH.COM CORRIDORS—A BIT LATER

DMA and WEAPON M are running, with some MARINES in hot pursuit. The pair turn every so often and return fire, rolling and dodging a lot to avoid the spray of bolter fire.

Ahead of them lies

THE REAR ENTRANCE TO THE REDOUBT

They’re almost there. Suddenly

DMA falls, hit in the leg.

WEAPON M looks back at him, but continues running.

POV SHOT OF A SPACE MARINE

He’s drawing a bead on WEAPON M. Suddenly

MATT steps into the doorway carrying a large and ominous rocket launcher. He fires.

INT. AH.COM CORRIDORS

The resulting blast sends the pursuers akimbo. MATT rushes out to rescue DMA. WEAPON M takes the time to yell.

WEAPON M
G.BONE! The bomb!

The weapon disappears from his hands as he leaps through the door.

INT. VENDETTA ENGINE ROOM

There’s a FLASH OF LIGHT. When that fades, the nuclear warhead sits comfortably nestled amidst vital equipment.

INT. BACKUP AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

G.BONE turns to the others.

G.BONE
It’s in!

WEAPON M
Let’s hail the enemy commander.

INT. VENDETTA CONTROL ROOM

WEAPON M’s face appears on the screen. ZARTH and TYRANNUS ZERO look up, surprised.

WEAPON M
Hey guys. Guess what?

ZARTH
What, heretic?

WEAPON
We’ve got a nuke aboard your ship.

ZARTH snorts.

ZARTH
Yeah right.
How’d you pull that off?

WEAPON M
Your shields went down.
We teleported it.
(beat)
I think the tables have turned.

ZARTH turns to one of the technical people.

ZARTH
Is this true?

The techie nods.

ZARTH
Where is it?

TECHIE
Inside one of the engines, sir.
(beat)
We don’t have the teleporter online. It will take hours to get it out.

WEAPON M
At this point, we begin negotiating your surrender.

TYRANNUS ZERO
(scowling)
The Emperor’s Chosen never surrender.

WEAPON M
Fine. How about this?
Let us teleport our crew over and teleport your boys off,
then let us Shift out of here.

ZARTH objects.

ZARTH
But that would be letting the LUAKEL escape!
We cannot…

TYRANNUS ZERO overrules him.

TYRANNUS ZERO
It looks like you’ve got us in a bad spot.
(beat)
You just want your people back?

WEAPON M
And to get out of here.

TYRANNUS ZERO scowls for a long time.

TYRANNUS ZERO
We accept your terms.
(beat)
Pray to the spirit of the departed Emperor
that you never encounter us again.
When next we meet, I will put your skulls on the bow of our ship.

ZARTH
(shocked)
Sir!

TYRANNUS ZERO turns to the BRIDGE CREW.

TYRANNUS ZERO
Prepare ship for return of all troops. Secure from battle stations.

ABOARD THE AH.COM SHIP

The MARINES, led by sergeant NAPOLEON XIV are forming up for another assault on the blast doors.

NAPOLEON XIV
Fear denies faith!

BEHIND THE DOORS

MATT readies himself for battle, his expression showing that he knows this battle will be his last.

INT. VENDETTA INTERROGATION CHAMBER

DOCTOR WHAT vanishes from the chair.

INT. VENDETTA GENERATOR ROOM

EVIL MrP, blood trailing from his robes, crawls away from DAVE. DAVE brings his chainsaws high to finish the psyker off…

Then he vanishes.

INT. VENDETTA BRIG

The captive AH.commers vanish.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT quickly scrambles back into the chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Leo!

LANDSHARK clears his throat.

LANDSHARK
They’ve disconnected LEO.
(beat)
We won’t have time to reconnect him.

DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his communicator.

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE, shift us out of here.

Suddenly, an evil grin crosses his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
But first…

EXT. AH.COM AND THE VENDETTA

A massive FLASH wipes out the screen.

INT. AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT grins wickedly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Gotcha suckas!
(beat)
DAVE, shift!

The AH.com ship dives into a vortex as it becomes clear that the good Doctor had set off the nuke. One of the Vendetta’s massive engines is in ruins, and a lot of its exterior armor is cracked.

INT. ENGINE ROOM

A hatch pops open on one of the engines. LUAKEL crawls out.

LUAKEL
Is it safe now?

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- DAY

Several crew members are looking sadly through the ruins of the lounge. BLACKMAGE’s body has been removed, but everything else is still destroyed. MATT is quietly crying and wiping his eyes. DOCTOR WHAT sighs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it’s nice to get away with our lives, but everyone’s
spare time is going to get pretty boring.

DIAMOND
Awww, damn. They got the wargames table. And I was
coming up with the perfect plan for a successful Sealion.

Everyone gasps, and mutters about blasphemy.

DOCTOR WHAT
At least LUAKEL is okay. By the way, that was a great idea, GBW,
hiding him in the engine cowling. The one place they couldn’t scan him.

GBW
Yeah, that was my thought at the time. Although, I forgot
about the dangers of prolonged exposure to the drive field.
(grins)
TORQUMADA says he’ll be okay with a little genetic reworking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, the ship is going to need a major overhaul after all this.
Blaster holes, plasma burns, dead bodies all over the place, all
our weapons expended. I suppose it’s time for another trip to
the Hub. In the meantime, let’s get everyone working on repairs.
Priority one for the engineering crew is the shield generator…
okay, where the hell is DAVE at now?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smirks)
Where do you think? In his quarters with KEIRA.

DOCTOR WHAT groans and puts his head in his hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, not again.

G BONE
Do you suppose we’ll run into the Vendetta again?

DOCTOR WHAT
I really hope not. But I have this awful feeling they’re
not done with us yet. We got lucky today because they
underestimated us. They won’t do that again.
We’ll need to be ready.
(holds up one of the captured Marine bolters)
Well, we managed to capture several of these. I hope
we can duplicate them and the ammo. That might give
us an equal footing against them.

He looks up and sees MATT sobbing.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are you blubbering about?

MATT
They… they… they got the big screen tv!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh for heaven’s sake, suck it up!
They shot half the ship to pieces, and we
all lost things, but you don’t see us wailing
like little lost children, do you?

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh, DOC, I meant to tell you earlier.
During the fight, someone nailed your
quarters with a bolter. A chunk of your
lesbian porn collection got shredded.

DOCTOR WHAT looks at him in shock, then bursts into tears.

INT. VENDETTA CONTROL ROOM

TYRANNUS ZERO sits in front of the viewscreen, watching smaller ships criss-cross the smoldering world. The ghost of a smile flickers on his face when one of the ships destroys a ground target or disgorges a squad of Marines onto another, but his face generally remains impassive. SBEGIN steps forward and begins massaging his shoulders.

SBEGIN
Relax. This TL’s LUAKEL is dead and the heretics
who harbored him are being destroyed as we speak.

TYRANNUS_ZERO
But the people in that ship got away
. Not only is their LUAKEL still living,
but they tricked and defeated us.
Us, the Emperor’s Chosen!
(beat)
The High Lords of Terra will not be pleased.

VIEWSCREEN

A wormhole opens and a smaller ship emerges. It’s obviously built by the same people who built the Vendetta, although it is less fearsome in appearance.

The image of a SPACE MARINE fills the screen.

SPACE MARINE
The scouting party has found it!

TYRANNUS_ZERO looks up.

TYRANNUS_ZERO
The source of all evil?

THE SPACE MARINE nods.

SPACE MARINES
Yes, Force Commander.
(beat)
It’s in a very dangerous TL. The fabric
of the Multiverse is…strange there. It took a good
bit of time for us to Shift in, and even more time to Shift out.

TYRANNUS_ZERO narrows his eyes.

TYRANNUS_ZERO
Transfer the coordinates.
(beat)
Once we’re done purifying this world and can make
some repairs, we’ll be on our way.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS