TEASER
INT. – CF.NET SHIP- CORRIDOR – DAY
CHUNKEYMONKEY, HIGHLANDER, CHINGO and DARKEST lie unconscious on the floor of a sealed room. ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS stands over them, wielding an autoinjector. He presses it to his neck and activates it.
WARD watches from behind a window, flanked by GRIMM REAPER and MIDGARD.
GRIMM REAPER
So this is this week’s plan
for bringing down the AH.commers?
WARD
Yes…while we’re docked at the Hub
we can’t attack them directly but this
virus should give them some problems-
ROMULUS, how do you feel?
ROMULUS
(In a monotone)
Attack Unit Alpha ready for duty.
GRIMM REAPER
(wearily)
You are not a robot.
ROMULUS
Does not compute.
With a nod from WARD, MIDGARD picks up a little remote. ROMULUS lets out a yelp as he’s shocked. .
ROMULUS
Ouch.
I… I.. feel pain…
WARD
KILNGIRL should be distracting the AH.commers as we speak.
While their guard is down, you’ll take these rag-tag adolescents,
infiltrate the ship and infect the damned AH.commers with the
teen virus. Then, when they’ve all reverted to angsty, whiny teens,
we’ll take over the AH.com. For their own good, of course.
MIDGARD
By “for their own good” you mean dead right?
(WARD nods)
Da. Good plan.
GRIMM REAPER
Sir, isn’t this weeks plan somewhat
…umm…cartoonishly evil?
WARD
I’m feeling whimsical today, GRIMM
GRIMM REAPER
Then may I cackle?
WARD
Yes. But not too much.
He cackles as we
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“TEEN’S ON A SHIP”
Written By : FLOCCULENCIO & MICHEAL
ACT I
EXT.-THE HUB-DAY
KILNGIRL is being chased down a street by various AH.commers. She keeps effortlessly ahead of them, bouncing into the air, off walls and roofs.
KILNGIRL
Whee!
MATT and KIT are attempting to keep up with her. Most of the rest of the AH.commers are leaning on walls wheezing and gasping for breath.
MATT
How the hell is she doing
that ninja wall walking shit?
KIT
No idea. Even my exquisite
physique isn’t agile enough for that.
KILNGIRL
(shouting back happily)
I just jump for joy! Yippie!
KIT
(struck by a thought)
If all the on-duty crew are chasing her, who’s guarding the ship?
MATT
I’m sure the off-duty crew will take care of it.
INT-AH.COM SHIP’S LOUNGE-DAY
FLOCCULENCIO is lying in a LA-Z-BOY, swigging intermittently from a bottle of beer and eating sandwiches. Empty bottles lie strewn around him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why didn’t you follow the rest of the crew
to check out that security alert?
FLOCCULENCIO
So very lazy…
DOCTOR WHAT
OK, I’ll accept that. But try and clean up the place-
those crumbs are going to attract LUAKEL.
FLOCCULENCIO
(claps his hands)
Singa-Buddy! To me!
A small anthropoid robot waddles out from a corner and begins vacuuming FLOCCULENCIO.
The CAMERA POV zooms to an air vent immediately above them. Inside crouch THE TEENS, minus ROMULUS. HIGHLANDER is wearing a furry fox costume for some reason.
DARKEST
I could drop a pen down the Indian chick’s cleavage.
CHUNKEY
Dude, that’s a dude! Check out the beard!
DARKEST
Ah, crap! Why must Satan torment me so?!
CHINGO
LOL. UR so gay!!111!!!
HIGHLANDER
Dude- he’s got a flask of appletini!
The ventilation shaft gives way, dropping THE TEENS onto FLOCCULENCIO. DOCTOR WHAT recoils in revulsion.
FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified)
Gah! Get it off!
Get it off!
Get it off!
DARKEST
We were getting paid to cause trouble for these guys right?
CHUNKEY
Kick him in the balls!
CHINGO gropes FLOCCULENCIO
FLOCCULENCIO
Aaah…that’s not kicking!
DOCTOR WHAT
Y’know that’s one of the few times I’ve heard a guy
complain about not getting kicked in the nuts.
He steps up and kicks CHINGO squarely in the balls.
CHUNKEY
Dude! Lol! He totally kicked you in the balls.
HIGHLANDER
(getting up from the dogpile and running)
I’ve got the booze! Run for it!
FLOCCULENCIO
(bellowing in rage)
Why you little…!
As he rises, CHUNKEY produces a humorous mallet and smashes FLOCC on the head.
FLOCCULENCIO
Y’know that hurts much more than it looks like on TV
He falls unconscious, collapsing to the floor, trapping DOCTOR WHAT under his mighty bulk.
The TEENS run off, dragging CHINGO with them.
CHINGO
it hurts!
It’s not as funny as it looks on TV…
FADE TO BLACK
INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DOCKING BAY-DAY
KIT, MATT and the rest of the pursuit team materialise on the teleporter pads, breathless and disheveled. G.BONE approaches them excitedly.
G.BONE
Did you catch her?
MATT
(nastily)
Yes. Yes G.BONE. We caught her. Which is why KIT
is carrying her trussed-up over his shoulder.
G.BONE
(sadly)
Sarcasm hurts.
(beat)
And why is WEAPON M covered in pie filling?
KIT
She led us into a booby trap. One second it was an empty room,
next, it was pies, pies flying all over the place. If WEAPON M
hadn’t pushed us behind himself, we’d all have eaten much more
than our daily recommended calorific intake. If I had to add another
two hours to my exercise regimen, that bitch would have had to die.
WEAPON M
(happily)
Yes. I did it for the good of the team
(burps contentedly)
G.BONE
(hopeful)
Did you bring back any pie?
KIT
Yes but MATT ate it on the way
G.BONE
Aww…
MATT
It was pretty damn good pie.
LEO CASEIUS
(Over intercom)
I hate to interrupt you people but we’ve got some
sort of biohazard loose on the ship. Again.
I’ve sealed off the sectors in which the carriers are
to be found but, unfortunately, that means your group
is isolated from the ship’s core. DOCTOR WHAT is
currently unconscious, as is FLOCCULENCIO but I’ve
already sent MICHAEL to try to revive them.
MATT
Another biohazard? What kind is it this time?
LEO
WARD sent ROMULUS AUGUSTUS onto the ship with
a team of infected personnel. They refused to follow orders
and hid in the ventilation system. However, ROMULUS
himself attempted to fulfill his mission and infect some of
the crew. He succeeded. Roll the clip.
A security recording begins to play on a viewscreen
KIT
(voice-over)
Wait- why did you say “roll the clip”?
You control all the ship’s audiovisuals.
LEO CASEIUS
(irritated)
Because I felt like it, ok? Now watch the damn movie.
The screen shows the Command Centre. IRON YUPPIE, GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK are sitting at various consoles. Suddenly, ROMULUS AUGUSTUS appears in the doorway. He gives a howl of rage and whips up an incredibly oversized gun. Unfortunately, it causes him to overbalance and he falls flat on his face. IRON YUPPIE calmly walks up and beats him into unconsciousness.
IRONYUPPIE
Here- take this little punk to the brig.
She tosses ROMULUS to GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK. They tie him up but as they drag him to the door, all three of the AH.commers stagger and collapse.
LEO CASEIUS
They regained consciousness a minute later but they were…
terribly changed. I’m putting them on the com-screen now.
The viewscreen flashes on again and we see the three AH.commers, locked in TORQ’s observation cages..
IRONYUPPIE is dressed like a cheerleader and carrying a pom-pom. She chews a stick of gum with an expression of bored irritation on her face.
PRINCESSYUPPIE
Oh. My. God. SHARKIE! You are, like, so boring!
I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
LANDSHARK, dressed all in black, flicks his overlong fringe out of his eyes.
GOTHSHARK
Life is, like, an unutterable well of darkness. Your
rejection, like, feeds the pain I long for.
PRINCESSYUPPIE
Well, I’m, like, going to the prom with WOLFIE
In a third cage in the background we see GREY WOLF, inexplicably covered with a thick pelt of hair, dressed in a high school basketball uniform and dribbling a basketball.
TEEN WOLF
Sweet!
The clip ends and the AH.commers look at each other with a wild surmise.
LEO CASIEUS
And now you know!
WEAPON M
And knowing is half the battle!
ALL
Huzzah!
FADE TO BLACK
INT-AH.COM SHIP’S LOUNGE-DAY
FLOCCULENCIO and DOCTOR WHAT slowly stir as MICHAEL kicks them roughly in the side.
MICHAEL
Wake up- LEO says that a bunch of teens led by that ROMULUS
from the CF.net has infiltrated the ship and infected some crew
members with a virus that reverts them back to adolescence.
FLOCCULENCIO
Are we infected?
MICHAEL
Apparently not. LEO says that DOCTOR WHAT wasn’t in
direct contact with them and your inherent angst and whinyness
seems to have made you immune.
DOCTOR WHAT
What about the rest?
MICHAEL
IRONYUPPIE, GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK
are infected and under observation in TORQ’s lab.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, it doesn’t directly concern
me so you guys have fun settling this.
I’ll be here drinking. Singa-Buddy!
To me! Fetch me my appletini flask!
Singa-Buddy waddles off.
FLOCCULENCIO
Whe…where’s he going?
MICHAEL
The teens stole your flask. He must be tracking them.
FLOCC
(in rising fury)
By the beard of the Billy Goat!
They must be destroyed.
To the War Room!
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes- to the…War Room? We have a War Room?
FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah- it’s part of the Admiral’s Suite. You guys didn’t seem to be using it
for anything so shortly after I came aboard I moved my stuff in there.
DOCTOR WHAT
(into intercom)
LEO, why didn’t you ever tell us the ship had an Admiral’s Suite?
LEO
Hey, you were the one who served on this ship for
years before I even came aborad. The fault lies in you.
(beat)
Plus you never asked.
DOCTOR WHAT
Fair enough, I suppose. To the War Room!
The camera zooms through the corridors of the ship to show us
INT-FLOCC’S SUITE-DAY
FLOCCULENCIO opens a bottle of beer and lounges on a well-padded armchair.
DOCTOR WHAT
So why are we in the War Room?
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, we’re cut off from the Bridge but you can still access most of the
ship’s systems and readouts from here. Including the CCTV system.
Speaking of which, you really shouldn’t do that in the bath.
DOCTOR WHAT
(guiltily)
What?
FLOCCULENCIO
You know what.
MICHAEL
Oh you mean…
FLOCCULENCIO
Yes, the thing I was telling you about. He’s a filthy little man.
FLOCC flicks a switch and the viewscreen shows the rest of the AH.commers gathered in the teleporter room.
KIT
What’re we going to do, DOC?
LEO
I’m scanning the ship and should be able to pinpoint them
shortly. I’m patching TORQ through with a report.
TORQ appears on another viewscreen, the AH.com Teens in the background.
TORQ
I’ve taken samples of the virus and am formulating a
miracle cure. TEEN WOLF’s giving some trouble, however.
TEEN WOLF, now covered with fur, is howling and shaking the bars.
TEEN WOLF
I don’t want to be cured!
Chicks dig the Wolfman!
Help me! Help!
Cut to
INT-AH.COM SHIP’S CORRIDOR-DAY
The Teens are scampering down a corridor looking for a place in which to consume their ill-gotten booze.
CHINGO
lol! this is going to be kewl!
DARKEST
Praise Satan for bringing us this booze!
HIGHLANDER pauses, the ears of his fox suit pricking up.
HIGHLANDER
I’ve got to go!
CHINGO
Why?
HIGHLANDER
(determined)
A furry friend needs help!
HIGHLANDER- away!
He lumbers off down the corridor.
INT.-AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY- DAY
THANDE and TORQ are arguing, on the verge of blows. PRINCESSYUPPIE is polishing her nails, GOTHSHARK is writing poetry and TEEN WOLF is desperately trying to bend the bars of his cage.
THANDE
I say we use my Miracle Cure!
TORQ
Pah! Your Miracle Cure is far inferior to mine!
THANDE
Let’s put the choice to the patients then.
TORQ
A novel idea but it’s worth a try, I suppose.
Well, what do you think, GOTHSHARK?
GOTHSHARK
How is each one administered?
THANDE
His foul concoction involves a series of injections into the abdomen while
mine takes the stimulating, convenient and healthful form of a suppository.
GOTHSHARK
Pain on the one hand and humiliation on the other…so hard to choose…
TEEN WOLF
Let me out! You can’t do this!
HIGHLANDER
(bursting through the door)
Never fear, my furry friend! Help has arrived!
He strides forward and opens the door of TEEN WOLF’s cage.
TEEN WOLF
(amazed)
How…how did you do that? I’ve been pulling
on it for hours and it refuses to open.
HIGHLANDER
(puzzled)
Uh…it opens outward…
TEEN WOLF
(embarrassed)
Ah.
TORQ
Get them!
The two furry figures leap upwards and scramble into the ventilation shafts but neither TORQ nor THANDE moves.
THANDE
Well? What’re you waiting for?
TORQ
What’re you waiting for?
THANDE
Oh yeah, like I’m going to run off and let
you pump these people full of your muck.
They resume their argument, the escapees forgotten.
INT. – WAR ROOM – DAY
In the War Room, DOCTOR WHAT watches, dumbfounded.
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, that’s it. If you want something
done you’ve got to do it yourself.
MICHAEL
Why not just get someone
who’s easily bullied to do it?
A pause.
DOCTOR WHAT
That does sound better. Let’s do that!
INT-AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM-DAY
G.BONE, clad in a biohazard suit, has a rope tied around his waist and is being hoisted into a ventilation shaft. On a viewscreen on the wall we can see DOCTOR WHAT directing the operation from the War Room. Behind him, FLOCCULENCIO seems to be reading from an instruction manual while MICHAEL fiddles with a console.
G.BONE
What if I get killed?
DOCTOR WHAT
Nonsense. We wouldn’t send you into danger-
who’d operate the teleporter if we lost you?
FLOCCULENCIO
(in the background)
OK, so the green dial shows the charge
level of the teleportation matrix…
MICHAEL
(happily)
We’ll learn this in no time!
G.BONE
(sadly)
Aww…
Cut to
INT. – ADMIRAL’S SUITE – DAY
MICHAEL
Wait- if we’re working the teleporters how
are we going to get off the ship?
DOCTOR WHAT
You’ll use the shuttles, of course
FLOCCULENCIO
But neither of us is a pilot.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sarcastically, in the background)
Well, you could get out and walk.
FLOCCULENCIO
Hmm…being a shuttle pilot eh?
I’d totally score some chicks and
bring them back here and they’d
totally dig my admiral’s cabin.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hell, I’d almost jump you for a chance to stay when this is over.
MICHAEL
“Dig”? What year is this? 1975?
FLOCCULENCIO
Shut yo mouth, jive turkey.
CUT TO:
INT – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY
MATT
Now, remember- your tracking device
will show HIGHLANDER’s position in
the ventilation system. We can’t track
TEEN WOLF since he’s a legit crew
member and the system only highlights
unauthorised personnel.
G.BONE
So he could be anywhere…
MATT
You’re such a pessimist…it’s a real downer y’know.
WEAPON M
Now remember- if you run into trouble, give precisely
two tugs on the rope. We’ll pull you to safety.
G.BONE
Couldn’t I carry a comlink?
DOCTOR WHAT
(waving the protesting MICHAEL away)
You can just shout. We gave you a tracking device-
no use getting any more equipment broken.
G.BONE
If it’s as safe as you say, how could it get broken?
DOCTOR WHAT
Get in the damn shaft or you’ll feel my belt!
G.BONE is hoisted into the shaft by KIT and GBW.
We FADE TO BLACK and FADE BACK IN over a steady beeping. We see only G.BONE’s face, lit intermittently by the flashing screen of the device.
G.BONE
The beeping’s getting faster-
HIGHLANDER must be near.
KIT
(faintly in the distance)
WHAT?
G.BONE
(Shouting)
HIGHLANDER’s near!
Pause.
KIT
No- you can’t have a beer!
Find the kid and get back here!
G.BONE starts as a furry flash darts across an intersecting shaft ahead of him. He hesitates but screws up his courage and pursues. As he rounds the corner he screams and jumps back. As the camera follows him we see HIGHLANDER’s rear end stuck fast in another shaft. His tail wags forlornly and G.BONE tugs it hesitantly.
HIGHLANDER
Ow! Who’s there! Do you have bird flu?!
For God’s sake get away!
G.BONE
I… don’t have bird flu. Are you stuck?
HIGHLANDER
(sheepishly)
Yes.[/centre]
G.BONE tugs on HIGHLANDER’s tail again eliciting another yelp.
G.BONE
(happily)
Well, you’re stuck fast- I’ll go back and
tell the others that you’re no longer a threat.
TEEN WOLF
(looming from the shadows)
But I am.
G.BONE tugs frantically at the safety rope as TEEN WOLF tears at the biohazard suit. Back at the vent entrance, the AH.commers watch the twitching rope, mystified.
KIT
Should we pull him out?
WEAPON M
Nah- we told him two tugs for assistance. He’s given at least seven.
Maybe he really wants that beer he was talking about.
(bellowing into shaft)
No beer until you finish!
G.BONE
(in the distance)
Hurry up and pull!
GBW
…as the judge said to the actress!
KIT
(dismissively)
Pfft. Leave the innuendo to the professionals.
G.BONE
(screaming)
For God’s sake, pull!!
KIT
…as the priest said to the altar boy!
A spontaneous ripple of applause rises from the AH.commers. GBW looks crestfallen. The rope goes slack.
Back in the shaft, G.BONE convulses as the teenification process begins. TEEN WOLF steps back, seemingly frightened by the metamorphosis. As G.BONE rises, TEEN WOLF shakes his head.
TEEN WOLF
G.BONE…what have I done?
HIGHLANDER
(hysterical)
What? What’s happening? It’s a pandemic isn’t it?
G.BONE’s going to kill us all! Oh, why didn’t I
stay at home in the Micronation TL…
G.BONE, now strangely muscular, yanks HIGHLANDER free of the shaft by his tail.
G.BONE
Quiet nerd or I’ll give ya a swirly! And the name’s T.BONE.
T.BONE the Jock. You guys do what I say now.
FADE TO BLACK
END ACT I
ACT II
INT-AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM-DAY
The AH.commers are clustered around a viewscreen, watching in horror as T.BONE rounds up the other TEENS.
HENDRYK
Can’t you do something LEO?
LEO
Yeah, have you seen the muscles on that guy?
My scanners indicate he’s bulked up by at least 200%
WEAPONM
Oh, you mean like KIT after that time we switched
his smoothie mix with powdered lard?
KIT looks at him stricken and bursts into tears
KIT
You told me it was just a bad batch, you bastards!
It took me months to reduce!
LEO
Incidentally, he’s now headed your way. Boy, I’m sure glad
I never kicked sand in his face when he was a weakling.
MATT
It was just that one time!
Everyone edges away from MATT as someone begins hammering on the door.
T.BONE
Open up ya buncha geeks…I’m coming for you all. Oh yeah,
it’s payback time now. For the sand in my face and the brownie
incident and the vanilla coke…oh the vanilla coke.
But it wasn’t vanilla coke was it KIT?
KIT
I… don’t know what he’s talking about…
LEO
(conversationally)
That door won’t hold much longer
With a horrendous rending of metal, the door is ripped asunder. T.BONE stalks through, dragging CHINGO by the scruff of his neck. The other TEENS, follow fearfully.
MATT
G.BONE…it’s me, your old friend MATT! Listen to reason-
T.BONE
Old friend? Hah! You kicked sand in my face!
MATT
Well, yeah but from a certain point of view…
T.BONE
None of you ever liked me. Well,
things are going to change around here!
He punches CHINGO in the face.
T.BONE
Now drop your weapons or he gets another one.
DOCTOR WHAT
(on viewscreen)
Wait…you mean they aren’t working with you.
T.BONE
This bunch? Hell no. I just brought
them along as a meat shield.
DOCTOR WHAT whirls around and shouts to FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL, still fiddling with the backup teleporter.
DOCTOR WHAT
Beam me down, FLOCCY!
FLOCCULENCIO shrugs and stabs at a button. DOCTOR WHAT shimmers, dematerialises and reappears in the Teleportation Chamber.
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s only one of him, guys- get him!
KIT
But the virus…
DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll have to risk it. If the worst comes to the worst
THANDE and TORQUMADA will have to cure us.
HENDRYK
Vive l’docteur!
HENDRYK and DOCTOR WHAT hurl themselves at the enemy, followed by the rest of the AH.commers. As the virus takes effect, strange and horrible changes distort their bodies. Acne sprouts where none had been before, voices rise to a higher pitch and once-proud beards fade to scraggly peach fuzz. FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL watch on the viewscreen with some interest.
INT-FLOCC’S SUITE-DAY
MICHAEL
So how did you actually manage
to beam DOC down there? I assume,
of course, that you didn’t have a
clue about what you were doing.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, I just pushed that button there
and it seemed to do the trick.
MICHAEL
Hang on…I’ve got an idea.
FLOCCULENCIO
Does it involve us using the backup teleporter panel
to beam high-class hookers aboard?
MICHAEL
No, though that is a good idea. My idea involved
using the backup teleporter panel to beam all the trouble-
makers down to one of the secure cargo holds.
FLOCCULENCIO
And then we beam high-class hookers aboard!
MICHAEL
Exactly!
BOTH
Huzzah!
INT-AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM-DAY
As the battle rages, a new figure leaps into the room. It is LUAKEL, with his fresh new body.
LUAKEL
Hahaha! As a teen I’m immune to your virus!
Phear my 1337 skillz0rz!
T.BONE
Immune to our virus…
but not to our violence!
The TEENS turn on LUAKEL. Some of the AH.COMMERS join in through force of habit.
INT-FLOCC’S SUITE-DAY
MICHAEL
Maybe we should hurry up with
the plan before he gets killed.
FLOCCULENCIO
(dismissive)
He survived getting chopped in half-
whats the worst these guys can do?
LUAKEL
(voiceover from viewscreen)
Nonononono…don’t pull that, it’s new- arrrrgh!
A spray of unidentified liquid spatters across the viewscreen.
FLOCCULENCIO
Hmm…maybe we
should hurry a bit.
FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL start mashing all the buttons they can find.
INT-AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM-DAY
The air starts to shimmer around the combatants as blasts from the teleportation matrix start searing through the room. The TEENS and the AH.COMMERS find themselves teleported around the ship at random.
INT-AH.COM LOUNGE-DAY
MATT
(trying to throttle CHUNKEY)
This…
INT-AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM –DAY
MATT
…really…
INT-AH.COM MED BAY-DAY
MATT
…sucks!
MATT looks around to find that he and CHUNKEY have landed in PRINCESSYUPPIE’s holding cell. She looks them up and down lasciviously.
PRINCESSYUPPIE
Well hello boys…
MATT and CHUNKEY eye each other with a wild surmise and break into huge grins. To their horror the air around them starts to shimmer as the teleportation matrix spins up again.
BOTH
Noooooo…
They vanish.
INT-FLOCC’S SUITE-DAY
FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL are pressing buttons desperately
FLOCCULENCIO
Gah! Leo do something!
LEO
(over intercom)
I can’t. As long as the Admiral’s Suite systems are handling
a particular function I can’t bypass them. I’m going to need
you to go into the system and deactivate-
FLOCCULENCIO
Good god- I’m an English major and you expect me to
manually bypass a military level security system?
LEO
Well, then I’d say that you’re
pretty screwed…what’s the Aussie doing?
MICHAEL
(Under his breath as he fiddles with the controls)
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A
LEO
You’ve got to be joking.
MICHAEL
Well if it works they get thirty
lives each…no harm trying.
FLOCCULENCIO
(meditatively)
So we could kill them
repeatedly for our own pleasure?
MICHAEL
(impassioned)
Must you turn all my plans to the cause of Evil?
FLOCCULENCIO
Yes.
MICHAEL
Oh, alright, just checking. GBW has
been getting annoying lately…
FLOCCULENCIO
Doesn’t seem to have worked though.
MICHAEL
Oh?
FLOCCULENCIO
(tapping a viewscreen)
Look at Luakel
MICHAEL
Well he’s still moving-
maybe he’s regenerating.
LEO
No, I think those are just muscle spasms.
MICHAEL
OK, so any more bright ideas?
FLOCCULENCIO
Singa-Buddy! To me!
SINGA-BUDDY waddles into the room beeping jauntily. He extends a probe to the console and whirs happily for a few seconds. The randomly teleporting AH.commers find themselves in the sickbay while the TEENS are teleported into an unused cargo hold. T.BONE and TEEN WOLF have been returned to holding cells in the sick bay.
INT-CARGO HOLD-DAY
The TEENS sit up, groaning and clutching at various wounds.
HIGHLANDER
Well…at least we still have this flask of appletini.
As he holds it up, it shimmers and vanishes.
CHINGO
lol pwned!1oneone!1!
INT-FLOCC’S SUITE-DAY
FLOCCULENCIO gives a yelp of joy as the Satanic Appletini Flask appears before him.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE BACK IN TO
INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY
TWO HOURS LATER
The AH.commers have mostly been restored. Some are nursing their needle-pricked arms while the less fortunate are gingerly holding ice packs to their rears. THANDE, accompanied by DAVE HOWERY and GBW, approaches G.BONE, tied to the wall of a holding cell in a strait jacket and Hannibal Lecter style mask.
THANDE
Cut him down, boys! And get that mask off-
I think he’s trying to say something.
G.BONE
Mfff…mfff…ah, thanks guys. I’m
real sorry about all that- I wasn’t
in control of myself. Good thing
that jab Torq gave me cleared me up.
THANDE
Well, just in case, we’re still
going to give you the suppository.
G.BONE
Awww…
Meanwhile, outside the holding cell
GREY WOLF
(sadly)
It was kinda nice being a teen…
IRON YUPPIE
Speak for yourself, WOLFIE- did
you see that idiotic outfit I was wearing?
ALL
Yes
MICHAEL
We’ve saved the securicam footage.
FLOCCULENCIO
They’ll pay us well for
Prison Cheerleader Follies!
BOTH
Huzzah!
END ACT II
TAG
INT-CF.NET-CONTROL ROOM – DAY
WARD is looking out the viewscreen, munching on a slice of KILNGIRL’s pecan pie. GRIMM REAPER cautiously approaches.
WARD
Good god, boy, this pie is to die for.
GRIMM REAPER
I’m sure it is, sir…I’m afraid I have bad news.
WARD
Well?
GRIMM REAPER
This was delivered to us a few minutes ago.
He gestures to MIDGARD who wheels in a trolley with an elaborately decorated box. They open it to find ROMULUS AUGUSTUS, in a transparent coffinlike structure, neatly trussed up, gagged and glaring at them wildly.
WARD
(calmly)
Untie him.
ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
MMPH!
MIDGARD
But sir…
WARD
(still insanely calm)
I said untie him.
MIDGARD
(terrified)
Aye-aye, sir!
ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
MMPHH! MMPH!!
GRIMM REAPER
I still think we’re overlooking something.
MIDGARD presses a button on the side of the coffin. It opens with a hiss of pressurized air. ROMULUS AUGUSTUS finally manages to spit out the gag.
ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
I’m still contagious you numbskulls!
GRIMM REAPER
Ah crap.
WARD
(starting to convulse and teenify)
Well, this should be interesting.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
