TEASER
EXT – SPACE – DAY
Four spacesuit wearing ship members are on the outside of the ship, they are all securely tethered to it and appear to have brooms and are in the process of scrubbing off what appears to be the remains of a giant space whale. A smaller shuttle is seen flying around them, apparently supervising the work. Inside the shuttle is Iron Yuppie, the shuttle has a mechanical arm and in it’s grip is a cat of nine tails.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I can’t believe you hit the only other object in space.
I mean, its space, it’s 99.999999% nothingness
GBW
What I can’t believe is that you’re not all patting me on the back;
if anyone else had done it you’d give them a beer! Plus how often
do you see a space whale?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Obviously you’ve never seen Dave in a spacesuit.
DAVE HOWERY
I heard that, Psycho!
Consider yourself scrubbing out the bathroom stalls on
Deck Nine for the next two weeks!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But-But.. Those are the bathrooms Flocc uses!
MICHAEL
(musing)
Well normally when one of us is piloting the ship, we’re drunk,
so the beer is readily available to be given as a reward
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
GBW has been getting pretty uppity of late,
I swear, a guy saves a planet once…
IRON YUPPIE
Work faster scum!
]She presses a button and the mechanical arm whips one of the space suited people.
One of the space suits turns to face the shuttle, inside is GBW.
GBW
Careful with that thing, Yuppie.
One hole and we’d explode!
IRON YUPPIE
(grinning)
I know, wouldn’t that be exciting?
Cut to:
INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
Some of the crew are watching the clean up on the main viewscreen.
DOCTOR WHAT
Would anyone else find that arousing?
GREY WOLF
(Holding a hip flask)
Explosive decompression?
(He raises an eyebrow)
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, that sudden burst of fluid, and in those space-suits
it’d be just like… Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet…
(He hurries off slightly hunched over)
LUAKEL
Why didn’t he just go in his pants? We’re all wearing
those special astronaut underpants aren’t we? I mean,
why else would we be wearing these ridiculous jumpsuits?
DIAMOND
Only Dave has the adult diapers in his uniform, lets just say the
engine room radiation doesn’t go to well with his bowels. Added
to the fact that’ he’s gotten pretty damn lazy now that he has an
artificially programmed and created woman to cater to his every whim.
LUAKEL
You mean I’m not supposed to go
to the toilet in these things?
DIAMOND
Hell no. Who told you that?
G.BONE stands aside grinning like a madman.
LUAKEL
Bastard!
(He lunges at G.BONE and starts banging his head into the floor)
Where’s your great sheep to save you now!?
GREY WOLF
(Looks at watch)
Crew fighting each other, which means
its time to get plastered again!
DIAMOND Looks up at the screen and sees the space suited crewmen are being whipped repeatedly by an IRON YUPPIE who’s gone a little bit crazier with power, looks upon LUAKEL and G.BONE fighting, and GREY WOLF sucking like mad on his hip flask.
DIAMOND sighs.
DIAMOND
Some days… Some days it’s almost like I’m the only normal one.
(He pushes the timeline shift button dejectedly)
There is a loud bang, and the lights flicker.
DIAMOND
Well good thing it’s not my job to fix that.
The lights go off again, and this time they stay off.
DIAMOND
Wait a minute… Wasn’t
KIT up here watching this?
KITJED
I sure was…
DIAMOND
(Speaking under his breath)
Please don’t look for me. Please don’t look for me.
There is a sound of spandex rubbing vigorously against skin
KITJED
(Seductively)
Found you
DIAMOND
NOOOOOOOO!!!
FADE OUT
DIAMOND
Curse this lack of pants
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“FLOCC’S FIVE”
Written By : MICHEAL
ACT I
INT.- AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY
FADE IN
MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO are sitting in the lounge, FLOCCULENCIO is filling up jugs from his appletini flask.
MICHAEL
Right, that’s at least 12 litres of appletini you’ve poured out
of that flask, how exactly does it hold so much, it’s not got
some sub-etha compartment like Dave’s magic bag does it?
FLOCCULENCIO
No, it was a gift from Satan-I mean…. My uncle Stan…
We just call him Satan. Ironically, y’know,
because he’s such a goody goody.
MICHAEL
And it’s not because he’s really the foul lord of the underworld
who you pledged your undying allegiance to in exchange for a
never-ending flask of appletini, but strangely, he’s only asked
you for some non-specific favour in the near future rather then
your soul straight away?
FLOCCULENCIO
(Aghast)
WHO TOLD YOU!
MICHAEL
No one, just some idle speculation, so, is it true?
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh… Of course it isn’t. To think that I’d pledge allegiance
to the dark one just for a never ending supply of the greatest
drink in existence. I’d want something to nibble on as well
MICHAEL
mmm, good point.
THANDE runs in with soot all over his face
MICHAEL
(Ignoring THANDE for the time being)
Such as, a bagel?
FLOCCULENCIO
Your powers of deduction, whilst so far
astounding have sadly led you astray.
THANDE
If you guys want some bagels I’ve just
invented a machine that’ll create them
(He flings his lab coat aside revealing fireman like suspenders with Velcro strips attached to which are bristling with steaming hot bagels)
Care for one?
MICHAEL
Well, that’s different
OTHNIEL
Munchies, munchies, munchies!
OTHNIEL seizes all the bagels and consumes them in an indescribably ugly and swift way
FLOCC
Is he high?
MICHAEL
Maybe, he was in charge of destroying
Straha’s ‘hydroponic research plantation”.
OTHNIEL begins to groan and moan
MICHAEL
Has he got indigestion?
FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL turn to stare at OTHNIEL, who is turning green, then purple, then several other bizarre colours
FLOCCULENCIO
(He looks at THANDE)
And you thought to feed us these?
THANDE
Umm… April Fools?
MICHAEL
Ignore the food poisoning, it’s just Oth, now THANDE,
are there any non-lethal bagels in your lab?
THANDE
(Slightly confused)
Err… Yes?
FLOCCULENCIO
TO THE LABORATORY!
MICHAEL
HUZZAH!
THANDE
Aren’t you worried about the potential side-effects of eating them?
FLOCCULENCIO
Not really, free food’s free food
They wander out the corridor leaving OTHNIEL, who has just turned neon blue
CUT TO
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY
TORQUMADA is standing in front of a desk with a white sheet over it, assorted crew members are milling about
G.BONE
I was under the impression this was
to be catered, now, where’s the food?
TORQUMADA
If you’ll just wait until after the dramatic flourish
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, everyone calm down so Torq can
reveal his fantastic new invention.
TORQUMADA
Thank you Doc-
DOCTOR WHAT
(Cutting TORQUMADA off)
Even though we’ll probably all be immensely disappointed
in what’ll likely just be another version of bobo
LUAKEL
OH SNAP! Burn Torq, burn!
TORQUMADA
Quiet you, lest I reveal the real reason
you don’t wear short sleeved shirts
LUAKEL
(Mouth agape)
YOU WOULDN’T!
DIAMOND
Anyone else getting tired of this talking version of Luakel?
I kinda missed the bubble making brain in a jar version.
DOCTOR WHAT nods.
LUAKEL lets out a sob and runs outside, bumping into MICHAEL, FLOCCULENCIO and THANDE
DIAMOND
Overly emotional, isn’t he?
KIT
He’s just getting used to having feelings again.
(grinning)
And there are so many feelings he needs to reacquaint himself to.
MICHAEL
(shocked and horrified look)
GAH! It touched me! IT TOUCHED ME!!!!
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh stop being so dramatic, hey, what’s going on in Torq’s lab?
TORQUMADA
Right, now if everyone’ll just shut up,
I can reveal my latest invention
G.BONE
And the catering?
TORQUMADA
SHUT UP!
G.BONE
(cowering)
I’ll be good
TORQUMADA
(Regains composure and looks back at his speech)
Oh fuck it.
(He pulls back the sheet with a dramatic flourish, it lands covering MATT’s head)
Tah-da!
MATT
OH MY GOD! I’VE GONE BLIND!
The rest of the assembled crew members ooh and ah over the shiny machine, except for THANDE, who looks at it with barely held rage.
THANDE
You stole my machine. You stole. My. Machine…
TORQUMADA
(With a cocky grin)
Prove it.
THANDE
This isn’t the patent office buddy,
baseless accusations are enough for us!
MICHAEL
You’re damn right! Our right to inaccurately
accuse people of anything is a dearly held one,
just like Flocc’s repression of his homosexuality.
FLOCCULENCIO
I am not a repressed homosexual!
MICHAEL
It’s depressing you can’t bring yourself to admit it.
KITJED
He doesn’t look very repressed to me
MICHAEL
Oh what would you know?
TORQUMADA
Regardless, I didn’t steal this… Chemist’s machine,
why would I want to lower myself to even looking
at something he has made
THANDE
Oh, you did not just go there.
TORQUMADA
What are you gonna do about it?
THANDE simply lunges at TORQUMADA and they both fall back onto the machine and then crash to the ground
DOCTOR WHAT
Someone do something. Where’s GBW, he’s the expendable one.
There’s a sudden explosion and the lights flicker on and off
PSYCHOMELTDOWN comes running in.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I heard an explosion, is Michael injured?
There’s another explosion and the lights flicker different colours.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I heard another explosion, was Michael injured that time?
MICHAEL
Just fine thanks
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh…
(He begins walks out sadly)
You’re sure?
MICHAEL
Yep
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Cut the banter, girls, what are we gonna do now
that our only doctor on board is injured
FLOCCULENCIO
Isn’t Diamond a medic?
DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm, maybe, he claims a lot of things. Still, it’s not my
arse on the line so we’ll give him a chance.
G.BONE
Isn’t anyone gonna make sure they’re ok?
MICHAEL
Go ahead
G.BONE
…. I mean someone else
MICHAEL
You’re someone else
G.BONE
Someone unimportant
MICHAEL
What are you waiting for?
G.BONE
I’m needed for the teleporters!
DOCTOR WHAT
They can be run on automatic
G.BONE
That’s what you think!
(He pulls out some wires)
Is this your precious automatic?
DOCTOR WHAT
YOU FIEND! How’d you find that?
G.BONE
You asked me to install it, now, before something
bad happens, go check to see if they’re ok
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, alright, just don’t do anything crazy,
Kitjed, check on the 2 doctor types
KITJED
What? Fine.
FLOCCULENCIO
Not to be all pedantic, but a normal place
to check for a pulse is the neck or wrist
TORQUMADA
(Groggily)
Victoria . . . ?
Argh! No!
THANDE
I find this strangely arousing…
I find you strangely arousing…
FADE OUT
G.BONE
So that’s a no for the free food then?
FADE IN
INT. – BATTLE ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is standing on a raised dias in front of the crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right crew, here’s the situation. We’re all fucked.
Literally. If we don’t cure Thande!
General pandemonium rages as the rest of the crew react to this news, until he’s quietly asked to leave by DOCTOR WHAT, this causes an instant calming of the crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right, that’s the situation, I can take 3 questions
(He points at FLOCCULENCIO)
Yes you, with the bad haircut
FLOCCULENCIO
FLOCCULENCIO. I just back from the hairdressers so watch it,
anyway, do we know what caused the hero of the reconquista to
become a gaysexual?
DOCTOR WHAT
No
G.BONE
I was lead to believe this would be catered,
I’ve been lied to again haven’t I?
DOCTOR WHAT
No
(He points towards IRONYUPPIE who is chewing on a cheese Danish)
G.BONE
Damnit
KITJED
1. How do you know THANDE wants to be changed back?
2. Who are you to tell someone what sexuality they are? And
3. Where the hell are Diamond’s pants?
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, that’s too many questions.
I have time for one more, ONE.
MICHAEL
Can I go on the next mission?
DOCTOR WHAT
No
MICHAEL
Awww
DOCTOR WHAT
Right, that’s it, no further questions. IRON YUPPIE, THANDE come
with me, we’ll try curing you the old fashioned way
LUAKEL
Unrequited violence?
DOCTOR WHAT
No LUAKEL you id-wait, that’s not a bad idea. Someone restrain THANDE and take him to IRON YUPPIE’s quarters.
THANDE
No! I refuse to be manhandled like a piece of meat. I have some dignity.
FLOCCULENCIO
Really? It never seemed like you did. You were walking
around in suspenders earlier for crying out loud.
THANDE
Yes I do-
DOCTOR WHAT
(Cutting off THANDE)
Silence!
(MATT clubs THANDE with the butt of his gun)
TO THE DUNGEON!
IRON YUPPIE leads off with DOCTOR WHAT and MATT carrying THANDE between them.
FLOCCULENCIO
So… What now?
MICHAEL
The same thing we do everynight Floccy! Try and-
FLOCCULENCIO
Take over the world? Sure, I can dig it!
MICHAEL
Well, I was gonna say we just get plastered, but sure,
we’ll go to the hub and ask that information broker what’s
the best world to take over for someone of our skill level.
LUAKEL
Can I help?
MICHAEL
Probably not, but you can tag along
LUAKEL
(Excitedly)
WOO! I’m gonna name my country Luakeyst-
FLOCCULENCIO
(Interrupting)
A-hem!
LUAKEL
I mean, my small micro-nation
FLOCCULENCIO
A-hem, I say. A-hem!
LUAKEL
City-state?
(FLOCCULENCIO shakes his head)
Tiny pacific atoll?
(FLOCCULENCIO shakes his head)
Time share in Florida?
FLOCCULENCIO
(With a great effort)
Fine then, want want want,
I swear, all I ever hear out of you.
INT – AH.COM SHIP – IRONYUPPIE’S DUNGEON – DAY
It is pitch dark, thankfully saving the audience from viewing the horror that is going on, and letting the writer get away without having to describe said scene
IRON YUPPIE
(Slightly muffled)
Now if you’ll just take some deep breaths and relax
THANDE starts snoring, there is a slapping sound
IRON YUPPIE
NOT THAT MUCH!
THANDE
Sorry, but I don’t see how this’ll help
DOCTOR WHAT
It cured me
THANDE
Cured you? You mean you used to be gay?
DOCTOR WHAT
No. This just removed all doubt
MATT
Can I go? It’s just there’s still some shuttles leftover
from WEAPON M and I’s last target shoot, and we
want to finish them off before someone tries using them.
CUT TO –
INT. – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
WEAPON M is standing amidst a large amount of scrap metal, these are the wrecks of the last few working shuttles
WEAPON M
Ah, that felt good, and even better because
I didn’t have to share these beauties with
anyone, just like the time I had that three-
CUT BACK TO –
INT. – IRONYUPPIE’S DUNGEON – DAY
MATT
Oh whatever, I’m sure he’ll wait for me.
There is a rumble as the shift engine starts and then stops
DOCTOR WHAT
Strange, I don’t recall ordering a jump
IRON YUPPIE
Isn’t he cute when he acts like he’s in charge
THANDE
But not just then
DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway, if something bad where to happen,
I’m sure LEO’d inform us
CUT TO –
INT. – LEO’S COMPUTER CORE – DAY
LEO
I don’t know if I should have done that,
what if Doctor What finds out?
MICHAEL
What if he doesn’t?
LEO
That doesn’t make any sense
MICHAEL
Exactly
LEO
Nope, still nothing, just hook up my robot body
and let’s blow this icicle hut
MICHAEL
Now who’s being nonsensical?
MICHAEL plugs one end of a large thick cable into LEO’s core, and the other end into a shiny new metallic body. There is a large exchange of electricity whilst MICHAEL is still holding on.
MICHAEL
(His hair is smoking and his clothes have either melted on or burned off)
ugh buh puhn
(He pokes his charred arm with his burned hand)
Camera zooms in on his eyes, where a single tear rolls down his cheek.
CUT BACK TO –
INT. – IRONYUPPIE’S DUNGEONS – DAY
MATT
Did anyone hear that? As if all the innocence of an entire
planet was suddenly and menacingly extinguished?
THANDE
You mean the girly scream?
MATT
Well, I prefer my description but yes.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sure it’s just DAVE trying to shave
his beard off before anyone notices it
MATT
Why would that cause a scream?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well it’d mean he can see his face
MATT
And that’s bad because…
DOCTOR WHAT
Well then he can see his actual face.
IRON YUPPIE
That poor bastard
ACT I
ACT II
INT.- AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY
G.BONE is standing at his teleport operation control panel, he has a large glass of cola in one hand and a hamburger in the other, and he seems undecided as to which one to ingest first. Suddenly FLOCCULENCIO, MICHAEL, LEO and LUAKEL burst in, obviously scaring the hell out of him, he manages to pour the cola over the control panel, have the meat patty from his hamburger ricochet off the walls and catch LUAKEL in the eye, and the rest of it fall onto the ground. This elicits a small round of applause from FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
BRAVO! BRAVO!
FLOCCULENCIO
That was fantastic G.BONE, now,
we want off this dirty hell hole
and away from that psychopathic
computer, quick smart.
LEO
Oy!
FLOCCULENCIO
I do of course mean the psychopathic
computer in my room, and not you LEO
LEO
But that’s still me…
FLOCCULENCIO
Actually, it’s my little Singaporean pc-buddy
MICHAEL
(Angrily)
Nobody cares!
LUAKEL
(Weakly)
I care…
The assembled crewmen all amble over towards the teleporter pads.
G.BONE
So which fantastic locale are you going to
today without me? Rio? Sri Lanka? New York?
FLOCCULENCIO
Just down to the hub to see some people.
LEO
Never mind G.Bone, I can do it
LEO shoves G.BONE out of the way and interfaces directly with the machine
There’s a grunt, the sound of machinery grinding, and the sound of electronics shorting out. Finally there’s a grunting sound of pleasure.
Camera pans back over to MICHAEL, FLOCCULENCIO, and LUAKEL who all have looks of disgust on their faces. The camera pans some more and shows G.BONE who has a profound look of jealousy on his face.
LEO strides back over towards the teleporter pad looking supremely contented.
MICHAEL
That was profoundly disturbing, G.BONE, energise!
G.BONE
No thanks guys, I don’t want to go along, happy here thanks.
FLOCCULENCIO
Really? I was just about to invite you along,
but if you don’t want to go, fair enough
G.BONE gets a dawning look of horror on his face, stemming from this unpleasant realisation, and leans over the controls and is about to deliver a rather stirring and well thought out argument when he accidentally hits the energise button and sends them out before he can say one word.
FADE OUT
G.BONE
Kokami!
FADE IN
INT – HUB – OUROBOROS PUB– ETERNAL DAY
MICHAEL
So we’re here, what now darkie?
FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t vex me or I shall turn on you
MICHAEL
Yeah yeah, but still, what now?
LEO
Now, we find an appropriate vendor
of information and consult them.
LUAKE
What about the guy who Doc went
and saw when he went a little kooky
that time that planet was blown up?
FLOCCULENCIO
I remember that
(Whimsically)
Oh how we laughed.
MICHAEL
We laughed until you cried. And then laughed some more.
Then I cried, then you cried again, then we tazered Luakel
and got right back to laughing.
LUAKEL
I don’t remember that bit…
FLOCCULENCIO
Yes, well someone had the tazer too high,
and well, don’t expect much hair where we
zapped you for quite a few years.
LUAKEL
I miss my old body.
This one has Dave Howery’s
stench all over it.
MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO both shudder.
FLOCCULENCIO
Never minding. Now, let us find someone who
can lead on to the information broker.
MICHAEL
Excuse me sir
(He taps a heavily hooded denizen of the hub on the shoulder)
Do you know where we can find an information broker?
There is an ominous crack of thunder, and the lights dim noticeably, the hooded denizen turns around, the crew members cower a little bit, except for LUAKEL.
JOLO
Perhaps…
MICHAEL
OH MY GOD!!!! ARGHH!!!
(He runs around and hides behind FLOCCULENCIO)
FLOCCULENCIO
What my esteemed coward-I mean associate, means
Sir Jolo, is that he’s wondering if you have any
information as to the whereabouts and directions for
the information broker of this realm?
JOLO
Yes, but to answer that question I’d need to find my
super-intelligent fungi so that they could create a
translator so that I could wrap my immense intellect
around your tiny question
FLOCCULENCIO
Just a general point in the right direction
would help, we mean you no bother
There is another crack of thunder and JOLO looks FLOCCULENCIO right in the eye.
LUAKEL
Where are all these cracks of thunder coming from?
JOLO
(Not shifting his gaze for a moment)
That?
(Eyes up LUAKEL)
That was nothing.
(Glares back at FLOCCULENCIO)
Certainly nothing that bodes a terrible blood curdling fate,
the likes of which would have God himself curled up in a
fetal position praying for the sweet release of death.
MICHAEL
WHAT?!
JOLO
(Nonchalantly and shrugging his shoulders)
I said it was nothing. Now, you said you wanted the information broker?
You’ll need 5000 people, which by my count you already have, now, all
you need to do is create an immense algae field and genetically modify
the algae to grow into super tall trees, now we all know trees are made by
happy thoughts and pixie dust, so when you get those super tall trees, cut
them down, and burn them, use the heat to melt the unobtanium into steel
rods, use these rods to slay the unslayable horrible doom begetter of ixlthraxl
earth 328, when you have his hide, wear it for 12 years, using it as your sole
sustenance, this will give you the strength necessary to go to that building over there.
LUAKEL
(Looking at JOLO like he was crazy)
Sure, we’ll get right on that.
(Drags MICHAEL along)
MICHAEL
(Obviously disgusted by the thought of LUAKEL touching him, but even more in fear of having to talk to JOLO some more acquiesces to being dragged away)
Ugh… So crazy… Implausible even… Brain hurt
contemplating… MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP!
JOLO
Wait! If that doesn’t work I have this plan for a system
of hyrdafoils made from the local fauna and powered
by the natives who seem more then
willing to acquiesce to our every demand!
LEO
Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Stay in touch, but not hands on
FLOCCULENCIO
I sense life will soon be taking another sardonic twist.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
G.BONE
Damnit, I won’t teleport you or your
meddling dog to the hub for “supplies”
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we need them to… fix… the doodad in the bejigger, yeah,
if the flux capaciton doesn’t get super-re-charged soon, the timer
will go down and the explosive matrix will implode!
G.BONE
Don’t try and baffle me with your jargon.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn…
(Starts rifling through his pockets)
I think I have a twinky, send
us over and you can have it?
G.BONE
(Snatching at it)
Deal!
(He pushes the teleport button in his haste to reach the twinky, but unfortunately hits the auto-shutdown)
GAH! That’ll take at least an hour to fix.
Do I still get the twinky?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(With his mouth full)
Wugh wghruh rhargt?
G.BONE
(Sighing)
Never mind…
(He starts the process for re-activating the teleporters)
Well at least this way I’m not catching any strange diseases
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. – HUB – DAY
MICHAEL
OK, now before we enter, we know that DOCTOR WHAT
has encountered this guy before, and he’s not exactly a laugh
riot, so LUAKEL, that means no peeing on the carpet-
LUAKEL
(Interrupting)
One time!
MICHAEL
-LEO, that means no interfacing with every single terminal available-
LEO
You just hate it because you don’t understand
MICHAEL
Oh, I understand it, that’s why it both scares and horrifies me.
FLOCCULENCIO, no touching, no licking, no hugging this
person, he’s an unknown quantity.
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh blow it out your arse.
MICHAEL
Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you? You pervert.
FLOCCULENCIO
(Confused)
You say it like it’s a bad thing…
MICHAEL
I don’t mean in the fun way
FLOCCULENCIO
Ahhhhh
MICHAEL
Right guys, let’s do this!
MICHAEL walks up to the door and kicks it in, the doors are the divided in the centre type so the top half swings back, bounces off the wall and catches him in the head, sending him flying into LEO, who stands there unfazed.
MICHAEL
(Clutching at his skull)
Stop the room I want to get off
LUAKEL
I think I saw some pre-op lady-boys over there.
MICHAEL
Don’t let us stop you
FLOCCULENCIO
While the heartfelt and witty banter is appreciated,
let’s go in before he wonders why there’s a draft.
MR P
Wondering is the first step on the path to enlightenment.
Besides, were you born in a barn? Shut the bloody door!
FLOCCULENCIO
Too late
They all wander inside, MICHAEL being dragged by LEO due to his concussed state.
FLOCCULENCIO
(Offering hand)
Hi, we’re just here to ask some simple questions and
we were lead to believe that you have some answers.
MR P
Answers I have, but you may not like to hear them.
LUAKEL
Will we be paying extra for the cryptic
comments or are they free?
MR P
Oh they’re free, don’t worry about that, and
at the end we shall discuss your bill.
MICHAEL
But I’m not a duck so I don’t have a bill…
wait… Duck! ARGH!
(He starts thrashing wildly but LEO just puts his foot on MICHAEL’s neck until he goes blue and calms down)
LEO
(to MICHAEL)
There, there, little ducky. Just go to sleep. Just go to sleep…
(to MRP)
So, down to bronze nuts, what’s the best timeline for
a crew of our experience to conquer?
MR P
Conquering is the first step on the road to evil
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh we’re not gonna be evil, we just want to lift them up
to a higher standard of enlightened democracy
MR P
Power corrupts, absolute power, corrupts absolutely
LEO
Proverbs: The wisdom of many, the wit of one
MR P
Quiet tin man, I sense that much of this
historic moment is escaping you
LUAKEL
Historic?
MR P
Yes, historic, you see, I was once like you.
MICHAEL
Stained?
MR P
No
MICHAEL
Virile?
MR P
No
MICHAEL
Young?
MR P
No-well I was young once, but that’s not what I mean
MICHAEL
You spoke sense?
MR P
Exactly! And once I stopped I never looked back
LUAKEL
Right, just tell us which world we’ll be able to conquer.
MICHAEL
(Whispering to Flocc)
Just you watch, it’ll be some triflingly easy world
which we wouldn’t ever want to conquer.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT – AH.COM SHIP – IRONYUPPIE’S DUNGEON
THANDE
OK! OK! I’m cured! Just stop.
Please for the love of What stop
(Begins sobbing)
IRON YUPPIE
Sure, I was getting bored anyway, now,
Thande, how straight are you?
THANDE
(Sobbing)
I’m at least as straight as Matt
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn, I was hoping for more of an effect
IRON YUPPIE
We’ve done our best, nothing more we can do
MATT
What the hell does he mean? Is he implying I’m not straight?
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY
Our Sidekicks are sitting in a booth in the Pub, LUAKEL is tied up outside due to Age Limits, but has his head leaning in a window so he can still talk to them.
MICHAEL
Who’d ever want to conquer that world anyway?
FLOCCULENCIO
(Patting down pockets)
Hehehe, I’ve just realized I have no way of paying for all this booze…
LUAKEL
What of your appletini?
FLOCCULENCIO
Man cannot live on bread alone
LEO
The world we could conquer may have beer money
MICHAEL
There (is) beer on the ship
FLOCCULENCIO
TO THE SHIP!
LUAKEL
HUZZAH!
MICHAEL
No beer for the minor
LUAKEL
Aww
MICHAEL
(Standing up)
HEY IAN!
IAN
(IAN looks up from his magazine)
What?
MICHAEL
LOOK! A DECOY!
IAN turns to look, not realizing his mistake until the last second, but by the time he has realised his folly and looked back the crewmen have already climbed out the window and run off.
Our intrepid adventurers have ducked into an alley
MICHAEL
So, we just head straight back to the ship? Calmly and confidently,
we certainly haven’t stolen anything to rile the pub and cause a legion
of guards to track us down and pummel us.
LUAKEL
(Quickly pulling his head back around the corner)
Funny you should say that
FLOCCULENCIO
EEP. Right, here’s the plan, LEO, LUAKEL, over the wall, I’ll give
you both a boost, MICHAEL, stay here and by us time.
MICHAEL
Why me?
FLOCCULENCIO
(Putting his hand on his shoulder)
Because you’re the only one I can trust
MICHAEL
DAMN RIGHT!
LEO
(Barely audible)
I can’t believe he fell for that
LUAKEL
(Also whispering)
Who cares, let’s just get out of here
They clamber over the wall, while MICHAEL thinks of way to buy time. Suddenly dozens of heavily armed guards walk into the alley.
MICHAEL
Right, now, here’s the thing, uhh… Wait, why am
I being sacrificed! DAMN YOU FLOCC!!!
Camera pans to FLOCCULENCIO and co.
FLOCCULENCIO
Did you guys hear something
LUAKEL
Certainly not Michael having an unpleasant realization
FLOCCULENCIO
Ah, you’ll soon find they’re all like that
LEO
Hey guys, what’s that angry mob in front of us want?
FLOCCULENCIO
See Luakel, another realization, also unpleasant
LUAKEL
Mommy
JOLO
Now my nameless, sexless, limitless army,
teach them for doubting my genius!
Camera Cuts back.
MICHAEL is hiding inside a large rubbish bin, while all the guards either beat on it or cheer their comrades on.
MICHAEL
(Watching intently as bigger and bigger dents appear)
This particular scheme of Flocc’s has a
physicality to it that I dislike immensely
Fade out:
END ACT II
TAG
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT and G.BONE are in the Teleporation Tube Room, along with a few others.
G.BONE
There! Got a lock on them!
KITJED
Hmm, their vital signs look shaky, better
teleport them straight to the med-bay
G.BONE looks to DOCTOR WHAT
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait.
(a couple of beats)
Wait.
KITJED
They’re getting very erratic now…
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, teleport them.
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY
LUAKEL, FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL are all lying on beds looking beaten, bruised, and bloodied.
TORQUMADA
I hope this has taught you a valuable lesson
FLOCCULENCIO
(In full body cast, he moves glares at Michael without moving his head)
Yeah, don’t rely on Michael for anything
MICHAEL groans. Both arms from the shoulder down, and everything below his waste are encased in bandages and casts, but also partially curled up into the fetal position.
MICHAEL
Oh don’t even start Flocc!
LUAKEL
You guys suck at conquering worlds
TORQUMADA
Now, Bobo’s hungry again, which of you wants
to give up a leg for a few days?
MICHAEL
Y’know, I sense life has taken yet another sardonic twist
FLOCCULENCIO
Truly we are accursed of crewmen
LUAKEL just screams
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
