TEASER

EXT. – NEW YORK – STREET – NIGHT

We open onto a rather quiet street somewhere in New York City, the Beejees song ‘Night Fever’ is being played.

Its very late at night without a soul in sight, after a a brief bit of setting the scene two shadowy figures run into view from around a corner and the music sharply changes to something more befitting an action sequence.

The camera pans down to the two runners- they are LEEJ and GREY WOLF both in retro 70s getup (LEEJ with a afro and GREY/RETRO WOLF with a perm)

At around the halfway point of the street a mob of shadows can be seen coming from the same direction as the two men, ambling towards them as one.

RETRO WOLF
I believe ‘oh shit’ is the only
thing to say at a time like this.

Just as the two men reach the end of the street and are about to turn down another another mob appears in front of them

LEEJ
Woah! The cunts
are everywhere!

The two almost fall to the ground as they quickly turn around and run back the way they came. The camera stays pointing at this new mob however and we get a clear shot of a few of its members- they are all wearing tattered, blood stained clothes. Many have horrific looking wounds. They all walk with the same ambling gait and have the same vacant look on their faces. Occasionally a groan can be heard from one of them. Yup that’s right- they are zombies.

The two men almost run back into the first mob when a look of realization crosses their faces, seeing no other alternative they run down the only side alley on the street.
The camera stays at the bottom of the alley LEEJ and RETRO WOLF dashing towards it, a look of horror crosses their faces as soon as they get close enough; a change of camera angle shows why- its a dead end.

LEEJ
We’re doomed!!

The two men turn back down the alley fully prepared to meet their doom…They wait…And they wait. Eventually the two zombie hordes can be seen bumping into each other out on the main street. The two men’s demeanor has now changed to confusion, LEEJ looks up- and notices a fire escape.

LEEJ
Give us a boost up
there, mate.

RETRO WOLF
Eh?
(looking up)
Ah!

RETRO WOLF calmly cups his hands and LEEJ uses them to scramble onto the fire escape, once there he knocks down the ladder allowing RETRO WOLF to climb onto the above ground platform with him. Once there RETRO WOLF starts breathing heavily, regaining his breath. LEEJ simply begins to roll a spliff.

RETRO WOLF
Well that was unexpected…

LEEJ
Nah, my mam had a
incline something
like this would happen like.

RETRO WOLF
Your mother knew that
the dead would choose this
weekend to rise and
feast upon the living?

LEEJ
Well….Nah. But she did say
to be careful of gangs y’kna.

We fade out as the camera pans back down the alley where the incompetent zombies are finally beginning to head towards us.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“28 YEARS LATER”

Written By : LEEJ

ACT I

EXT- AIRPORT- DAY

Its a bright and sunny day in the airport of a tropical paradise. A familiar looking shuttle can be seen coming in for landing

INT-SHUTTLE-DAY

We get a wide shot of the shuttle from the front- LANDSHARK is piloting with OTHNIEL in the co-pilot seat. Behind them practically the whole crew is squeezed into the shuttle.

OTHNIEL
If there’s one thing common to
99% of all universes its that you
can’t beat Sierra Leone for top
quality vacations on a budget!

MICHAEL
Uh-huh!

Everyone else visible merely scowls.

The camera goes to a close range view of DR.WHAT and G.BONE- squeezed into a corner somewhere, their faces only barely visible.

DR.WHAT
So what was so special
about this world again that
Sierra Leone isn’t a war torn
third world mess?

G.BONE
err….something in the
1970s I think…err… Oy!
GBW! What’s the deal
with this world!

GBW
(muffled from off camera)
Jimmy Hendrix survived and
prog rock is the predominant
form of rock music up to the current day

G.BONE
Jimmy Hendrix survived
and prog rock is t…

DR.WHAT
Yeah, I heard….

EXT-AIRPORT RUNWAY-DAY

Most of the crew is all arrayed on the runway mostly doing basic stretches and thanking their deity’s that they are alive. MICHAEL is unloading the luggage from the shuttle assisted by several clumsy orange jump suited figures- who are also wearing what would be best described as gimp masks. DAVE HOWERY is also over with them examining the hover-trolley the luggage is being loaded onto. The camera settles on THANDE and LANDSHARK talking just outside the shuttle.

THANDE:
Come on Sharky! It’ll be fun!

LANDSHARK
No, no, honest its OK.
Me and IronYuppie
are just fine watching the ship

THANDE
Come on! Be the man!
Tell her to get herself down here!

LANDSHARK
OK, OK, I’ll level with you.
The true reason she isn’t
coming down here is….
Health issues. And…well you
know, I have to keep her company.

THANDE
Health issues? What health issues?
She looked fine to me this morning when she
rode you into the Mess Hall for breakfast. She
was laughing too, when I accidentally spilled my
scalding hot tea all over your crotchless trousers.

LANDSHARK
Its the leather. Leather and
tropical climates really don’t
go together well.

In the background we see MATT walking past- he over hears that last comment then shoves a hand down his trouser leg- he briefly mutters ‘Oh shit…’ and dashes back into the shuttle.

THANDE:
I’m sure I could invent
something to help her with that…
Some sort of….Thong bikini
type contraption? But knowing
the two of you, you probably
already have something like it.
(grins)
Do you?
(beat)
Can I see it?
(beat)
Please?

LANDSHARK:
No, no, its aright, honest.
Someone has to watch
the ship anyway.

THANDE
it very unlike you or Yuppie
to be voluntarily staying on
ship when most of the time
you can’t wait to get off the ship.
(shrugs)
This place looks like a nice world.
(nodding towards one of the workers in ‘gimp masks’)
I bet she’d be interested in labour regulations
on this world. It’ll be a sight seeing holiday!

LANDSHARK
Well…err…yeah but…No.
No she doesn’t want to come.
I will try and convince her
but I’m sure she won’t change
her mind, you know how
women are. See ya.

As MATT comes back out adjusting his trousers as he comes LANDSHARK enters the shuttle. The shuttle door closes and as it begins to take off DR.WHAT edges over to THANDE.

DR.WHAT
So…Any luck on operation “Get
Iron Yuppie frolicking around in a hot bikini”?

THANDE
Well…erm….no

DR.WHAT
(sighs)
First Keira says she’s gonna stay
on the ship and now Yuppie?
This has great vacation written all over it.

THANDE thinks for a while but then notices the trouble several others (chief amongst them MICHAEL) are having with the suitcases (of which there are too many to go on the hover trolley) and nods as he walks away.

DR. WHAT
Now where did Dave and Keira go?
(wanders off)

INT-AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

IRONYUPPIE is lounging in the command chair spinning it slightly with her foot. Enter LANDSHARK.

IRON YUPPIE
So? Any luck? Is the ship ours?

LANDSHARK
The ship is ours

IRON YUPPIE
Ours be the ship?

LANDSHARK
Ship be ou….

IRON YUPPIE
(angry voice while rising from her seat and advancing on Landshark)
Whose is the ship!

LANDSHARK
(dropping to his knees)
Yours! Yours! The ship is yours Yuppie!

Fade out with a evil grin on IRON YUPPIE’s face

INT-AIRPORT TERMINAL-DAY

THANDE is standing in the middle of the airport looking confused amidst a crowd of people.

DAVE HOWERY and OTHNIEL walk towards him. OTHNIEL is leading along a twitching MICHAEL and a large quantity of bags.

THANDE
What happened to him?
(Points to Michael)

OTHNIEL
Umm…I don’t know…

MICHAEL
(groaning)
I was thirsty…

THANDE:
Tell me you didn’t drink the water here?

MICHAEL
(groaning)
Maybe….

DAVE HOWERY
See that’s why I only drink booze on vacations.
(grins)

THANDE:
(sighs)
This is going to be a great vacation…

He spots DR WHAT with the rest of the crew heading towards them and quickly grabs a small brown bag off the pile of luggage and starts rummaging through it

THANDE:
OK, OK, I’m certain I’ve got something that should
Patch you up, right quick. Ah this should do!

MICHAEL opens his mouth wide

THANDE:
Guess again.
(aside)
Dave would you mind coming along, I’m
going to need someone to hold him down…

THANDE leads MICHAEL off towards the toilets with DAVE HOWERY following in their wake leaving OTHNIEL with all the bags.

GREY WOLF
Where is everyone?

DR. WHAT
I told Thande to go on ahead and
take care of the taxi’s for us. Come on.

HENDRYK
Are we having fun yet?
I can’t tell if we’re having fun yet.

The crew all amble off- OTHNIEL bringing up the rear with way too many bags.

EXT-AIRPORT TAXI RINK-DAY

Four Arabs (or at least they are dressed as such) are stood leaning against a black car muttering amongst themselves. Enter the crew from the airport door.

ARAB 1
(cockney accent)
This looks like a likely lot…
Heh heh heh…

ARAB 1 is infact a strange alternate MR.P. He runs up to the crew and the camera goes with him.

MR.P
(heavy Arab accent)
Taxi? Taxi? You require taxi? Yes?

DR.WHAT
You the guys Thande organised?

MR.P
(Arab)
Tha…Oh yes! Thande! Thande! Yes!
He says you are to come with us!
Yes, yes! Follow?

DR.WHAT
Come on everyone, it seems Thande’s
managed to do something right for once.

INT-AIRPORT TERMINAL-DAY

A newly restored MICHAEL, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY emerge from a toilet.

THANDE
Where ever did Othniel go?…
Shit! No Dave! No!

DAVE HOWERY has ran off down the terminal and dived upon a group of tourists wearing t-shirts bearing a red maple leaf. Scene fades out as MICHAEL and THANDE try in vain to pull him off them.

INT-TAXI-DAY

MR.P is sat in the front passenger seat with a Arab RAMP RAT driving. In the back are DR WHAT, OTHNIEL and GBW. Outside wee see the car is driving on a rather crappy road in the middle of the jungle. DR WHAT is holding a travel brochure.

DR. WHAT
err…Are you sure this is the right way? The
brochure said the Ocean View
was in the centre of the city…

MR.P
(Arab)
(grabbing the brochure)
Oh? This? This out of date.
Very out of date. Hotel move.

DR. WHAT
Err….The entire hotel moved out into the countryside?
I’ve never heard of anything like that happen…

GBW
I can only recall two occasions where such a thing happened
on a world without walking buildings. The first was on time
line 56352 where the Imperial Palace hotel of New Guinea was
involved in a landslide yet survived totally intact several miles
down the road, the second wa….

MR.P
(Arab)
Yes, yes. Listen your friend. He clever. Most clever.

MR.P throws the brochure out of the window.

EXT-JUNGLE-DAY

We see a brief scene of three taxis winding their way through the jungle

INT-AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR-DAY

We have a close up view of LANDSHARK. He is leaning against a wall just around the corner from a long corridor and looks extremely scared. IRONYUPPIE walks into view from a corner at the other end of the corridor, she is carrying a vicious looking whip

IRON YUPPIE
Ohhh Sharky! Where are yooou!!!
Come out come out wherever you are!!!!

Briefly glancing around the corner and seeing the approaching IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK runs off screen.

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

THANDE, MICHAEL and DAVE HOWERY enter the room behind a very important looking man in a business suit and a porter wearing a ice hockey mask

MANAGER:
(directed to MICHAEL in a toady manner)
Ah here you go sirs, the Preimieral Suit.
I trust everything is in order? If there is
anything you need please do not hesitate
to inform us, the staff here at the Ocean View
will be only to happy to fulfil your every desire

THANDE
There is one thing you could help with!

MANAGER
(disdainful)
And what would that be….’sir’

THANDE
Our friends. Dr.What, Grey Wolf,
Matt and the rest of the gang.
We were split up at the air port
and we’d like to find them.

MANAGER
(snobbish)
But of course. Our trackers are
the best on the continent after all.

The MANAGER grins and does a few bows before exiting the room, porter in tow.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow… This room….Are you
sure this is the right one?

THANDE
This is the one they led us to….
Didn’t even ask our names
or anything actually.
Just took one look at us and…

MICHAEL
I think it was when Dave shoved
his chainsaw inches away
from the owner’s pecker
that got them to be so nice.

DAVE HOWERY
See, my chain saw has a purpose.
Don’t see why I’m not used
on away missions more often.

THANDE
(Noticing the room)
WOW!

MICHAEL opens a door into the master bedroom. He proceeds to run in and begin bouncing on the room’s enormous bed.

THANDE
Does something seem strange to you here?

DAVE HOWERY
(as he opens another door and strides into a bar area)
Hell yeah, there’s a en suite bar and we aren’t drunk yet.
Man, I wish Keira was here.
(shrugs)
Who thinks I can’t finish three of these little bottles at once?

THANDE
God, is this how Dave’s on vacation?

MICHAEL
You should have seen him when
we went to Hawaii that last time.

THANDE
You mean where we met
the UN and battled the CF.net?

MICHAEL
No, the one where he got drunk, trashed his room, decided
to use his chainsaw and see how many walls he could cut
a man shaped doorway through before he got to the outer wall,
and got us all kicked out of our hotel.

THANDE
I don’t’ think I remember this vacation.

MICHAEL
Might have been the time we left you on ship.

THANDE
(glaring)
Might have been.
(shakes head)
Didn’t you notice something
strange about the porter?

MICHAEL
He didn’t have a bad cough.

THANDE
Something else….

DAVE HOWERY
(emptying a bottle)
He didn’t have terrible acne?

THANDE
Right lines…

DAVE HOWERY
He was wearing a hockey mask?

THANDE
Exactly!

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm…that is strange….
Maybe its just the fashion?
You know, kids these days.

THANDE
Possibly but…Didn’t you
notice the smell as well?

DAVE HOWERY
I thought that was Michael

MICHAEL
I told you, it’s just hot!
I’m not used to all this outdoor stuff.

DAVE HOWERY
The only time we were outdoors
was from the walk to the taxi
and the taxi to the hotel, all of
which was about two minutes total.

MICHAEL
And your point is?

A phone at the corner of the bar rings. Both men have a brief fight to answer it before DAVE HOWERY picks it up..

DAVE HOWERY
Yellow?

RECEPTIONIST
Hello. Mr Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
He’s taking a dump. Want me to get him?
‘cause I can.

RECEPTIONIST
Oh…right…lovely….
Well those friends you wanted us to find?
We didn’t have to look far, we checked with
the airport security staff and they say they
got into cars belonging to the Pee Processing Centre.
We have further details here if you require them.

DAVE HOWERY
(glancing at the booze)
No, it’ll be OK for now. Hold onto
them for us, we’ll see to it later.

RECEPTIONIST
Of course sir.

DAVE HOWERY opens another little bottle.

DAVE HOWERY
You know I like vacations.
Especially when the old ball and chain isn’t with us.

THANDE
I’m glad to see things are going
spectacularly well for the two of you…

EXT-ZPC-DAY

We get a aerial shot of three taxis as they drive beneath a archway into what looks like a cross between a prison camp and a factory- barbed wire and guard posts are dotted all around a large concrete complex. The sign above the entrance says ‘Processing Centre’, there is another word beginning with Z (duh) before these two but it is heavily faded.

Several heavily armed guards surround the taxis and force the crew out

GREY WOLF
Its always the same, every holiday the
builders still haven’t got done making the place…

OTHNIEL
What on earth is going on here?
I’m getting the strangest sense of deja-vu…

GUARD
(slapping OTHNIEL across the face sending him to the ground)
Silence!!!

MR.P
(cockney}
Alright, alright, come along lads!
Chamber three will be having yas!

DR. WHAT
I demand to know what’s going on here!

MR.P
(cockney)
What’s going on here:
Well this is the beginning of a
new era in your lives,
welcome to the work force mateys!

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

We’re back with THANDE and DAVE HOWERY at the bar. DAVE is finishing another little bottle, while THADE reads a small pamphlet about the wonders the hotel offers.

THANDE
A Swedish massage does sound good…

MICHAEL
(from the other room)
Hey, look Luakel’s on the television.
Not the brain Luakel, but one with a body…
(beat)
A damn hot body…

DAVE HOWERY and THANDE enter the mater bedroom where MICHAEL has settled sitting on the bed watching a enormous wall mounted TV-and sure enough an alternate LUAKEl is on it. He is wearing a leather jacket and has long hair in the heavy metal style, ALT-LUAKEL is sitting on a sofa together with the LEEJ and RETRO WOLF from the intro as well as a prehistoric caveman replete with leopard skin toga. We steadily zoom into it…

INT-TV STUDIO-DAY

INTERVIEWER
Yeah! Its a real pleasure to have you guys here before
your gig at the Golden Chapel Arena tonight! So I see
Ug has formally joined the band now?

LEEJ
Yeah, yeah. We just had to move on you know, we’ve been
friends ever since we rescued him from that Alpine glacier
and I mean Chris’ death was you know, like last week.

INTERVIEWER
The unfortunate gardening accent?

RETRO WOLF
Yeah…yeah…’Gardening’

INTERVIEWER
So you guys have been through a lot of drummers over the
year haven’t you? What stock do you place in these stories
about there being a ‘curse’ upon your drummers?

LEEJ
Woah man! There’s like! No curse! We
haven’t had like, that many drummers y’know!

RETRO WOLF
Yeah! I mean…There was Highlander

LEEJ
Shaving accident.

RETRO WOLF
Singapore Sam

LEEJ
Choked on a noodle

RETRO WOLF
The Duke of Argyll

LEEJ
Ninjas

RETRO WOLF
Garry G…

LEEJ
Yeah, Garry…Well…He didn’t die, we got rid of him
on Luakel’s request you know…I don’t know what was
up but like…Well he just didn’t gel y’know.

RETRO WOLF
Landshark

LEEJ
Lynched by evangelical Christians

RETRO WOLF
Flocculencio

LEEJ
Ah yeah…Floc…Poor Floc…He was our drummer
at the time of…you know…That night…If we had
known what would have happened…We would
have defiantly reconsidered it….It was…a mistake

INTERVIEWER
Yeah, yeah, yeah! The ’78 New York gig! That was
the night you discovered the zeroeth fret wasn’t it?
So what can you tell me about that?…Oh no! Wait
just being told in my ear here that since this is MTV
we are legally obliged to go to a video now. So here
is ugh…The second single off your fifth album…ah….
Mystic Emporium

A stereotypical 80s rock video starts to play and we pull back out to the hotel room

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

THANDE
Oh….Bugger.

DAVE HOWERY
What is it?

THANDE
The zeroeth fret…How didn’t I notice….I
knew there was SOMETHING about this world!

DAVE HOWERY
The zeroeth what?

THANDE
The zeroeth threat. Its a…Theoretical…At least it is
in most timelines…A theoretical component of both
guitar playing and string theory.
It is a fret below the first. Fret zero.

DAVE HOWEY
Huh? But….I played some guitar back in the day
and isn’t fret zero just a open string?

THANDE
Yes…well no. It is but it isn’t. Its oh so much more then that.
Its a ‘fret’ so low that when played it alters the very fabric of
reality…. I have done some experiments on it myself, remember
that cow that produced cider for milk?

DAVE HOWERY
(dreamy expression on his face)
Good times…

THANDE
Well…That was just using
a point eight seven fret.

Dramatic chime

MICHAEL
My god!

THANDE
Yes Michael, I realise you were just saying that as it
seemed the right moment for someone to say such a
thing but…My god is the correct bit of blasphemy to
use here. The zeroeth fret…We need to meet this
alternate Luakel and his band-mates.

DAVE HOWERY
What about the rest of the crew?

THANDE
Ah yes…Forgot about them for a moment there.
Suffice to say we have to find them all at once.
I fear they are in grave danger.

MICHAEL
Does this mean we have to go outside again?
(sighs)

INT-ZPC-DAY

GREY WOLF, DR.WHAT and OTHNIEL are dangling from chains several feet off the floor of a very dirty room

GREY WOLF
I fear we are in grave danger…

DR. WHAT giggles.

DR. WHAT
Now said it in a deep voice.

GREY WOLF
(deep voice)
I fear we are in grave danger…

DR. WHAT giggles.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT-ZPC-DAY

Exactly where we left off with GREY WOLF, DR.WHAT and OTHNIEL dangling from the ceiling.

We hear some strange mechanical sounds then a door in the room below opens. Into the room ambles five zombies wearing tie-die shirts.

OTHNIEL
Oh no! Hippys!

MR.P
(over loud speaker…in cockney)
Haw haw haw! Your nearly right there matey for what
is a zombie but a subspecies of the hippy?

DR.WHAT
Huh!?!? A zombie is a kind of hippy?!?!

MR.P
But of course matey! What else would they be?
The walking dead?!? Haw haw haw! Tourists….

A period of uncomfortable silence follows.

MR.P
So I bet you are wanting to know how we have zombies
here when they are supposed to be extinct!

OTHNIEL
Actually…We had no idea they ever did exist…

MR.P
Really? Haw haw haw, typical Americans…

GREY WOLF
(‘raising’ his hand towards the floor)
I’m British and I didn’t know

DR. WHAT
Dude, I’m Canadian.

OTHNIEL
I’m from the Democratic Republic of Free Deseret.

MR.P
Haw haw haw! There are some idiots these days aren’t there!
Haw haw haw! Well your in Sierra Leone matey! After the UN
outlawed hippys in ’82 they managed to survive thanks to dis-
reputable scum bags like my good cockney self! Haw haw haw!
We have a good buisness going for ourself here that we do! I
ts zombie labour force has made Sierra Leone one of the best
off non-Scandinavian nations on earth!

OTHNIEL
(producing a ‘Thompson’s Holidays’ book from a pocket and flicking through a few pages)
Ah…err…he’s right

MR.P
Haw haw haw! Of course I am! Haw haw haw!
Now then! Down ya all go matey-boys!

The manacle around the three crew member’s legs open and they fall to the ground. After a brief moments hesitation they run off into the room the zombies emerged from

INT. – ZPC CONTROL ROOM -DAY

MR.P is sitting in a comfortable chair in what looks like the control room of a construction vehicle.

MR.P
(regular voice)
Heh, works every time. Straight into the zombie nest

MR.P pours himself some tea from a flask then lounges right back in the chair putting his feat on then controls. MR.P takes a drink of tea then speaks

MR.P
Ahh…I love this job.

EXT-ALLEYWAY-DAY

MICHAEL, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY are outside a small rickety door in a large brick wall talking to a bouncer. MICHAEL is wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses and a rather crappy looking long black wig.

MICHAEL
(muttering to himself)
Man, I look so bloody dorky.

BOUNCER
I’m sorry sirs but this entrance is for performers only.

THANDE
I’m telling you! This is LUAKEL! He’s in the band!

BOUNCER
And which band would that be sir?

THANDE
Err…just a moment
(aside)
Did any of you find out the name of the band?

MICHAEL
(whisper)
I missed the start of the programme, it was
already halfway through when I turned it on…

THANDE
Err…THE BAND. The biggest band on the planet!
Surely you recognise THE Luakel!

BOUNCER
I recognise someone doing a rather poor job of
impersonating the world’s third best bass player.

MICHAEL
(crap mock anger)
THIRD BEST!?!? I’M ONLY
THIRD BEST!?!? WHY I OUGHTA…

BOUNCER
(monotone)
A terrible job.

Enter RETRO WOLF from down the alley with a entourage of attractive women

RETRO WOLF
What have we here then? Sorry lads but Kit left to
pursue his ‘own projects’ a decade ago….Hey!

He grabs MICHAEL’s wig and throws it to the ground

RETRO WOLF
(directed at THANDE and DAVE HOWERY)
Woah man! The hair! You cut his hair! What the hell!…
Come in. Quick! We better see Leej and Mr.Hendrix
before news of this gets out!

The four men and half a dozen nubile young girls enter the building. The Bouncer only shakes his head and resumes reading a magazine.

BOUNCER
Worse ever Luakel impression I’ve see to date.

INT-ZPC-DAY

DR WHAT, OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF run down a crypt-like corridor with innumerable zombies in the background (slowly) ambling after them. DR.WHAT takes out his communicator and hails the ship. We hear a phone ringing for a little while before LANDSHARK finally answers.

LANDSHARK:
Hello

DR.WHAT
Landshark! We need a immediate pick up!
We…I’m in serious trouble!

LANDSHARK :
Serious trouble you say? Well I wi…

We hear a strange slapping sound.

LANDSHARK:
Owwww!

DR. WHAT
What was that?

LANDSHARK
What was wh
(SLAP!)
aaaaghhhhooootttt!

DR. WHAT
That! There it is again! What was that noise?

LANDSHARK:
(lying badly)
What was wha…
(SLAP!)
Owwwww! Shit!!!! Owww!!!!

DR WHAT
(scolding)
Landshark; are you and IronYuppie playing
kinky sex games on the bridge again?

LANDSHARK:
Kinky sex games? Wh…
(SLAP!)
oooh… err whatever gives you that ide
(SLAP!)
I would never do such a
(SLAP!)
oh! Mercy mistress!
No
(SLAP!)
Kinky
(SLAP!)
Sex games
(SLAP!)
here Doc
(SLAP!)

DR.WHAT
It certainly sounds like there is…

LANDSHARK
No it doesn’t

GREY WOLF (over communicator)
Yes it does

LANDSHARK
You’re
(SLAP!)
ooohhh nice
(SLAP!)
Hearing things
(SLAP!)
Oooohhh….

DR WHAT
Sharky! The crew had a vote on this remember!
We agreed no kinky sex on the bridge, in the galley
or using other people’s space suits!…
(sighs)
But…This is a one time warning, I’ll let you off this time.
There are more pressing matters at stake right now such
as the horde of flesh eating zombies hot on my tail.

We hear a slight muttering over the comms.

LANDSHARK:
No! No! Please mistress! Cabbage!
(SLAP!)
Owww!!! Aghhhh!!! OK! No sa…
(SLAP!)
I promise! I won’t say the safe word but p….
(SLAP!)
please…Please mistress, not the tail, anything but
the tail, oh ple….OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

DR WHAT quickly closes his communicator and looks around awkwardly- we briefly see a elderly couple tutting at him. DR WHAT shakes his head and the hallucination vanishes. The zombies are still quite some way off however DR.WHAT and GREY WOLF dash down a side corridor in a attempt to escape all the same. OTHNIEL has a strange look on his face and it takes him a moment to notice the others are gone before dashing after them.

INT-ARENA-DAY

RETRO WOLF, leads MICHAEL, DAVE HOWERY and THANDE into a room decorated like a Turkish bordello with pink and gold cushions all over. Sitting in the corner huddled over a bong are LEEJ and a alternate long-haired STRAHA.

RETRO WOLF
Where’s Jim?

LEEJ
Jim’s not here man.

RETRO WOLF
Where. Is. He

LEEJ
err…he like…went out for pizza.

RETRO WOLF
Well…We’ve got a problem with Luakel

LEEJ
(slowly looking up)
Huh? What’s up with Luakel man?…
OH SHIT! THEY CUT HIS HAIR!

LEEJ jumps up in a panic knocking STRAHA as he does- STRAHA collapses, totally limp. LEEJ runs over to MICHAEL and begins examining him

LEEJ
Woah man! I mean without his hair! He’s the
same as the others! He could like! Eat anyo….
Hey he’s not trying to eat me.

MICHAEL
Why would I do that?

LEEJ
(shock)
He can talk!

RETRO WOLF
(as he hugs MICHAEL almost in tears)
Luakel! Your cured! Aww man this
is excellent!I never thought I’d see the day!

Enter alternate LUAKEL- staggering as he walks. We fade out with everyone looking confused (except STRAHA, of course)

INT. – ZPC – NIGHT

DR.WHAT, GREY WOLF and OTHNIEL run across the screen from left to right screaming whilst followed by a horde of zombies After a few moments of seeing just the empty ‘cave’ the crew run back across the screen from right to left followed by the zombies once more.

INT. – ZPC – PRISON CELL – NIGHT

KIT, MATT and WEAPON M are in a rather high-tech looking prison room sitting on a bench.

WEAPON M
Did you hear that?

MATT
What?

WEAPON M
Sort of a…. ‘Aggggghhhhhhhh!!!!’

MATT
Nope

KIT
I did hear a roaring sound, is that what you’re on about?

WEAPON M
Nah, it wasn’t a roaring. Far more high pitched….
Sounded like a woman in trouble
(carefully eyeing KIT)
I wish we had a woman in here. I swear Kit, if you
do your ‘Oh we’re gonna die anyway, you should see
what its like!’ routine one more time I’m gonna…

INT-ARENA-NIGHT

LEEJ
Woah man…Alternate worlds…Thats like…Deep.
I mean I’ve hypothesised such a thing could exist
you know but like…For someone from them to be
here…Don’t you have problems with constantly
running into identical worlds where one insignificant
man has done one insignificant thing differently?

THANDE
You know, that’s never come up. I too have hypothesised
that such a thing could happen…I mean physics isn’t my
area of expetise, I’m a chemist you know.
Do you happen to know anything ab…

DAVE HOWERY
(interrupting)
What he’s trying to say is we need your help.
Our shipmates have been taken to something
called the ”Pee Processing Centre’. Supposedly
they make blackcurrant juice there…

RETRO WOLF
Pee!?!? I thought we killed him!

LEEJ
(getting up and grabbing a guitar)
Let’s go! We have to stop him now!

LEEJ tests his guitar and with a dissatisfied look on his face sits down and begins tuning it

DAVE HOWERY
Why? What’s going on?

LEEJ
(whilst tuning the guitar)
MR.P. The most dangerous, most evil, most fiendish fake cockney-Arab
to ever walk the Earth. He was a roady for us back in the early days. I told
him I wasn’t ready to try for the zeroeth fret, I told him but…Well…Luakel
here is the evidence. He messed with my set-up, implemented my experimental
mods. I couldn’t control them, there was too much power. It…caused the creation
of the uber-hippy: The zombie. Constantly in a state of being supremely stoned.
Barely aware of what’s happening around him. SERIOUS munchies. We’ve tried
to find a cure, god knows we have but the best we managed was Luakel’s hair
which leaves him fully able to function as a regular bass player.

THANDE
Why don’t all the zombies have the hair then?

RETRO WOLF
Its a expensive procedure. Pee would rather take the chance of the
occasional customer’s face being eaten then shell out the extra cash.

MICHAEL
Man, this is a sucky timeline.
Next time I’m staying on ship with Keira.
AND I so totally don’t look like Luakel.
Wankers.

INT-ZPC-DAY

DR.WHAT, OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF are cornered by a mob of zombies slowly ambling towards them. They are managing to keep them pushed away but not for much longer…

DR.WHAT
Did I mention how much I love you guys?

OTHNIEL
Really?

DR.WHAT
Oh sorry, thought you were Thande

GREY WOLF
But wasn’t he the one who got us into the mess

DR.WHAT
…Yeah he was! Damn you Thande I’m so gonna haunt you,
you stupid damn English evil taxi cab driver organi….

DR.WHAT is cut off mid-rant by a wall of to their side suddenly exploding. As the dust clears we can clearly see five figures the front one of which is….

DR.WHAT
Thande! Thank god! I knew you would rescue us!

LEEJ and RETRO WOLF stride through the whole wielding their guitars, they start to play a highly impressive duet.

GREY WOLF
Wow they’re good.

OTHNIEL
Yeah…So….Go…

OTHNIEL is interrupted as the zombie horde’s heads all simultaneously explode. All the men wipe themselves down then the two groups approach each other

RETRO WOLF
Hey its me! How ya doing dude!

GREY WOLF
(still in shock)
err…Fine….err…me

LEEJ
Where am I?

DAVE HOWERY
There’s no you.

LEEJ]
(dejected)
Really? Aww bugger….
(instantly picking up)
Ah well, we’ve gotta get a move on! Lets go lads! If I
remember the blueprints right the prisons were err….
That a’way!

LEEJ runs off soon followed by the others

INT-ZPC-CONTROL CENTRE – NIGHT

This control centre looks like something more befitting a Bond villain. MR.P is running around frantically screaming at his employees who are all running into escape rockets leaving him alone. On the monitors we can see scenes of carnage outside with zombies on the loose battling the guards.

Suddenly there’s a explosion in one wall, LEEJ and RETRO WOLF stride through the hole closely followed by most of the AH.COM crew.

MR.P
YOU!!!! I should have known you were behind this!!!

RETRO WOLF
You should have known a lot of things.

LEEJ
Your story ends here Pee!

MR.P
That’s MR.P you damned cocky geordie! You think you have it all figured
out don’t you? Well hah! You forgot to add one thing into your equations

MR.P produces a spiky black accordion from behind his back

MR.P
(cockney)
Ey? Matey boy!

RETRO WOLF
The accordion of doom! But…I thought it was a myth!

MR.P
It WAS!!!

MR.P starts playing the accordion, the AH.COM crew members instantly cover their ears in pain. LEEJ and RETRO WOLF look at each other then break into a guitar duet even better then the one they played before. For a while a battle wages with the camera briefly flashing between the faces of the three protagonists- each bearing a look of intense strain with nose bleeding. Eventually one of LEEJ’s guitar strings snaps and he falls to the ground as if mortally wounded

RETRO WOLF
Leej!!!!

MR.P
Mwa ha ha ha! You cannot hope to defeat me!
The power of the prog rock duet is gone!!

LEEJ
(sounding like death and coughing blood)
Wolf….You must…Solo….Stop…
Pee…Avenge…Luakel….And…others…
Oh….Don’t…forget…to tape…
Stargate…eight p.m….Sky one…

With a look of grit and determination on his face RETRO WOLF breaks into a guitar solo however he is no match for MR.P and soon drops to his knees struggling to keep going. MR.P has a look off extreme malice on his face with the impending defeat of his mortal enemies…

Suddenly a red hole appears over MR.P’s heart. MATT is standing with a pistol pointed at him.

RETRO WOLF
Yeah…l suppose….That works too….

RETRO WOLF collapses with exhaustion closely followed by a dying MR.P

MR.P
Oh….bugger……

MR.P collapses dead. We fade out with everyone getting up and pulling themselves together

END ACT II

TAG

INT-AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- NIGHT

The mess hall is abuzz with most of the crew, and many (attractive) strangers all in full party mode. First the camera looks to where the GREY WOLFs are talking

RETRO WOLF:
So…Have you ever….

GREY WOLF
What?

RETRO WOLF:
Have you ever….you know…with your alternate self…

GREY WOLF
Have I ever what?

Next we cross over to where KIT has two handsome young men enthralled with his speaking

KIT
So yes, I left the band entirely of my own free will and err…
Did I do any solo stuff? No? Oh well I err…decided not to…
Hey! Do you guys want to play a little game…

Next we cross over to LEEJ and DR.WHAT talking- both with a girl on each arm.

LEEJ
So you’re sure you’re OK with me,
Wolfy and all our mates coming along?

DR.WHAT
(eyeing up one of his girls’ chest)
Oh yeah…I mean…I downright insist. You’re all…integral
members of the crew now, we couldn’t possibly leave without you

LEEJ
(beaming)
Great!

DR. WHAT beckons G.BONE over.

DR. WHAT
When the party’s over, get these two off the ship, hear?
(G.Bone nods)
Like I’d ever let anyone named Leej join the crew.
(laughs)

G.BONE laughs also.

DR. WHAT
But seriously.
Get them off this ship.
(G.Bone nods)

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS