TEASER

EXT. – RAIN DRENCHED PLANET – NIGHT

Thick heavy clouds cover the entire sky, sheets of rain pour down, and blasts of lightning brightens up the sky occasionally We see the AH.com Ship plunge from out of a cloud.

It’s weaving and bobbing in the air, erratically making it’s way across the sky.

Lightning strikes the ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The crew looks a bit green around the gills, GBW is clutching the console around his piloting suite and with his free hand trying to keep the ship going, GREY WOLF is occupying the command chair, gripping the arm rests tightly and staring intently at the viewscreen. The remainder of the crew are gripping the consoles of their stations and hanging on for dear life.

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.

GBW
(panicky)
I’m not controlling anything.
The damned ship is crashing!!

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.

DIAMOND
I think I’m gonna toss my cookies….

IRONYUPPIE snatches away a bag of cookies DIAMOND has in his hands.

IRONYUPPIE
Fool. You do not toss these cookies.
They double chocolate chocolate.

LANDSHARK
Now, dear. Let’s not take our anger out on him.
We both knew this time was coming.

WEAPON M
What our dying?

LANDSHARK
No, Grey finally taking complete command of the ship.

WEAPON M
Oh, that?
Pfft.
I’m more concerned about us dying.

MATT
I mean we just rejoined the crew and all.
Would suck major monkey balls to just
die on our first mission.

WEAPON M
This ain’t even our first mission.
We were heading to get pizza
and celebrate the crew reunion.

MATT
Um.. I think that counts as a mission.

WEAPON M
No it don’t.

LANDSHARK
Bloody Colonials.
Arguing about bollocks as we’re gonna die.

IRONYUPPIE
I wanna be Captain again!

LANDSHARK
Now, now, Yuppie.
You’ll always be my captain.

IRONYUPPIE
(cracks whip)
That’s a given, Sharkboy.
But I wanted something bigger, something massively
huge to get my hands around and control.
(dreamy look on her face)

LANDSHARK
I feel so utterly slighted…
(wipes away tear)

GREY WOLF
Easy now.

GBW
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.

GREY WOLF
Full power to the structural integrity.
Full power to the shields.
Now, ignite retro burners one through seven.
Deploy air brakes.
And someone get me a cup of tea.

KIT
Yes, sir!
(races out door)

The Ship shudders and suddenly begins to level out.

The viewscreen flickers to show a mountain coming straight at them from out of the darkness.

GBW
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.
Easy now.

IRONYUPPIE
I could have commanded the ship far better.

MATT
You guys were chased across
the Multiverse for three months,
getting your asses handed to you by every
two bit wannabe warlord or corner baddie.

DIAMOND
Least we did not kill little bunnies for money.

WEAPON M
They were infesting the mid west by the millions.
Whole crops would have been lost!

DIAMOND
Yeah, but they were pink, fluffy, and overly friendly.

MATT
(nods)
I still have dreams about them…
(wipes away tear)

DIAMOND
I think-.

CRASH!

Everything goes dark.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE GOOD WEAR PINK”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – DARK DANK DUNGEON – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT shackled to a wall, he’s dirty, unshaven, and looks a lot worse for wear. Yet he’s talking animatedly to another figure who’s also shackled to the wall.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I’ve had Torq and Thande try to –

OTHER MAN
Torq’s the crazy one right?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Yeah, anyway, I had them try to figure out
how a group of yellow, unobtanium eating,
round things evolved on an asteroid millions
of miles away from earth.

OTHER MAN
Maybe they were planted there.

DOCTOR WHAT
(thoughtful)
They didn’t look much like plants.

OTHER MAN
Well, not so much as planted and grown there, but
the concept is kinda similar. Y’know like when you
take a species from it’s original habitat and then toss
‘em in some other area where they continue to grow?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Yeah…

OTHER MAN
Well, these Pacc-mehn might’ve been something like-

Suddenly the cell doors swing open.

Enter three huge man like creatures. They have no face, their bodies seem to be made of rough rock, and they stand nearly eight feet tall.

The three move toward the OTHER MAN.

OTHER MAN
Damn it.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s up.

OTHER MAN
Looks like my time just ran out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, that sucks.

OTHER MAN
Yeah, I know.
Hey, it was nice talking to you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Same here, bro.
Sorry about the whole flatulence thing.

OTHER MAN
No worries. Happens all the time.

DOCTOR WHAT
I still feel a bit embarrassed about it.

OTHER MAN
When you’re heading to your death, things like that
don’t really seem to amount up to much.
(grins)

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, yeah, sorry about that one too, dude.

OTHER MAN
It happens.
Via con Dios, Bruno.

The OTHER MAN is taken out of the cell.

The door slams shut with a heavy thud.

THROUGH CELL BARS; show DOCTOR WHAT hanging there.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DIAMOND groans.

DIAMOND
What the fuck?

MATT
Get your damn ass off my face.

DIAMOND
You like it there and you know it.
(slowly gets up)
Feels like I’ve been up all night drinking and partying.
But without the joy of wetting myself or puking on someone’s bed.

MATT
(slowly getting up)
Or the joy of doing both at once…

GREY WOLF
This is excellent tea, Kit.

Pan to see GREY WOLF still sitting in the command chair, sipping tea.

KIT
Thanks, Grey.
I boiled it up all by myself.

MICHAEL
I put the tea bag in!

GREY WOLF
Quit being such a suck up, Michael.
It gets you nowhere.

MICHAEL
I’m not trying to…
Oh never mind.

WEAPON M
He’s been brown nosing since we got back.

MATT
I think he wants to be second
in command of Security again.
(grins)
Too bad that job’s already taken.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, by me.

MATT
What?

WEAPON M
Yup, she’s second in command.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie does not subordinate herself to anyone!

WEAPON M
Shut up, Earthfish.

LANDSHARK
Okay….

GBW
Systems are shot.
We’ve got no shields.
No weapons.
No air conditioning.

KIT
Bugger.

GREY WOLF
Right, Lee, would you gather
up some of your security goons.

WEAPON M
Security forces.

GREY WOLF .
and meet me in cargo bay one.

KIT
Hey, GBW. Why are we here?

GBW
I dunno. I guess Grey’s got a plan?

KIT
I thought we were going for pizza?
I’m kind of hungry.

GBW
But I thought you were on a diet?

KIT
I’m not a glutton like you!

GBW
Umm…

Cut to:

INT. – CARGO BAY ONE – NIGHT

GREY WOLF, WEAPON M, MATT, FLOCC, IRON YUPPIE, DMA, and MICHAEL are all in the Cargo Bay, dressed in battle armor and carrying BFGs, all except GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
I said you didn’t need all the weaponry.
It’s just going to be a meeting of someone.

WEAPON M
Well, I like to come prepared.

MATT
Just in case.

FLOCCULENCIO
I get to shoot something?

WEAPON M
Oh, god I hope so.

MICHAEL
I’d just like to say it’s an honor
to be included in this mission.

WEAPON M
Shut up or you stay behind.

MICHAEL
Consider it zipped and key tossed away!

The Cargo Bay doors open to the outside world.

Rain is still pouring down, lightning still flashing, and thunder still booming.

WEAPON M
Fuck, this is a depressing world.

FLOCCULENCIO
Looks a bit like England.
Well, without all the rocks and the like.

GREY WOLF
Let’s move out.

GREY WOLF pulls out an umbrella and walks out into the rain, the others follow, becoming immediately drenched.

EXT.- ROCKY TERRAIN – NIGHT

The crew are all soaking and looking miserable in the rain.

GREY WOLF continues to lead, relatively dry due to the umbrella.

GREY WOLF
I think this is it.

WEAPON M
Mind telling us why the fuck
we’re out in the damned rain?

IRONYUPPIE
My hair is amess.

MICHAEL
It’s so damn cold, I can’t
even feel my balls anymore.

FLOCCULENCIO
Dude, pull your hands outta your pants.

GREY WOLF
We’re here to find someone
Someone who’ll help us find Doc.

WEAPON M
How the hell do you know this?

GREY WOLF
Just remembered it.
We were in the neighborhood,
so I figured we might as well.

WEAPON M
Would have been good if you told us.

GREY WOLF
Maybe.

They continue walking. Before this is a large cabin like structure, light gleams warmly out of the windows.

WEAPON M
Matt, take point. The rest of you miserable bastards,
besides Yuppie, fan out. Don’t wanna be ambushed.

Suddenly something huge appears, roaring a terrible cry.

CREATURE
Too fucking late, asshats!

Cut to:

INT. – DUNGEON ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is strapped to a metal table.

VOICE
Well, well, well.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know the gloating doesn’t help matters.

VOICE
It does fill me with glee though.
To see you bound up and at my mercy.

DOCTOR WHAT
I find that strangely arousing.
Even though a part of me is
screaming that I’m about to die.
I can’t help but find it strangely arousing.

VOICE
You’re just royally messed up.
Things you should be running from, you run to.
Things you should run to, you run from.
Things that are supposed to terrify you, arouse you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are we gonna do this torture thing
or you wanna play Dr. Phil? Trust me,
you don’t wanna wander about in my mind,
others have and they still got nightmares.

VOICE
Well, let the world of hurt begin.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yay.
Let’s see how you compare to Mistress Olga.

The figure steps forward, LARA HONORBLOWER.

LARA HONORBLOWER
I’ve got a bit more experience than she does.

Clockwipe

INT. – CABIN – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The crew are sitting on a huge couch, nearly consumed by the large fluffy pillows.

A giant tea kettle and large cups are set upon a table before them.

We see the huge creature sitting down on a chair before a fire. We see it’s a huge man like creature with no face, rock like skin, and standing nearly eight feet tall.

CREECH
Sorry about the whole scaring you guys thing.
I don’t get much visitors out this way.

WEAPON M
(sipping tea)
Nah, no prob.
DMA might’ve pissed himself, but we’re all good.

GREY WOLF
Sorry about approaching you at this late hour.
But we had to come to you and gather some info.

CREECH
How did you find this place?

GREY WOLF
A friend of a friend of a friend.

CREECH
I got no friends.

GREY WOLF
Fine. I saw your personal ad on
Bigrockcreatureneedslove.com.

CREECH
Really?
So it does work?
I thought the site might
have gone down or something.
Since you guys have been
my only visitors.

GREY WOLF
(beat)
Right.
Well, seeing as how you’re related to
those creatures that guard this prison
thing me an my friend were trapped in.
I thought that you might know some
info on the layout of the place.

CREECH
I would not betray my former employer
and creator. I’ve spent a good ten years
in her service and although I was forced
to retire due to back problems, it does not
mean I will betray her trust and give up the
information to the prison she’s running for
those people she wants revenge upon.
It’s just not cool.

GREY WOLF
(snaps fingers)
I’ve got coin.

CREECH
I’ve got enough myself.

GREY WOLF
Not that kind of coin

MICHAEL sets a large sack upon the table.

GREY WOLF
I’ve got porn from over
5000 worlds who all view the
Kama Sutra as a beginners
guide to what they can do.

CREECH
Deal.

EXT. – ROCKY TERRAIN – NIGHT

WEAPON M
So we’ve got the plans.
What now?

GREY WOLF
I think Torq’s got a little something to show you guys.

WEAPON M
Trust me, I’ve already seen his member.

GREY WOLF
Something else.
I’ve been having him work on.

WEAPON M
Oh, goodie.

INT. – TORTURE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT lies upon the table, breathing heavily.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh my god, Olga’s got nothing on you.
(look of ecstasy)
Marry me!

LARA HONORBLOWER
(angry)
Get him out of here!
And someone wash this bloody table!

LARA HONORBLOWER storms out of the Torture Room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED LAB – DAY

TORQUMADA sets a box on the table.

TORQUMADA
I’m been working on this-

DAVE HOWERY
With help from me.

TORQUMADA
In conjunction with Dave Howery –

KIT
And me!

TORQUMADA
(glares)
You only picked out the color.

KIT
I still helped.

TORQUMADA
Fine. With help from Dave and Kit, we’ve come up with this,
using the data brought back from the mission.

TORQUMADA opens the box.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN begins laughing.

Everyone looks at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Its pink.
How stereotypically gaysexual is that?
Who else but Kit would choose pink?
(laughs more)

KIT suddenly flings a tea kettle at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

KIT
The choice of color was not
determined by my sexual preference.
It just merely looked the right color
to suit this thing they were making.

TORQUMADA
Let’s forget the color for now.
It’s irrelevant anyway.
What really matters is what
this pink monstrosity does.

MATT
Pink monstrosity.
‘member that, Lee?

WEAPON M
Yeah, those pink fluffy little
elephants that just wanted to be loved,
Yet the townsfolk didn’t want them around.

DMA
Jesus, did everything you guys kill happen to be pink and fluffy?

MATT
No.

WEAPON M
Some were powder blue.

MATT and WEAPON M look at one another and turn away, hanging their heads.

TORQUMADA
Back on subject.
These pink hideous things are designed to do a job.
One that will be required when we attempt the rescue –

DIAMOND
Attempt?
We’re not just gonna attempt.
We’re gonna go in there, kick so much ass that
our feet will be hurting for a week afterward.
(looks to the crew)
Am I Right?
AM I RIGHT???!!!

MATT
Dude, shut up.

DIAMOND
(sighs)
Fuck you all.

TORQUMADA
These suits, although they are a disgusting
pink color, will serve it’s purpose well.

DAVE HOWERY
How do you even know it works?

TORQUMADA
Because the two to us tested them out together.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, yeah.
Forgot about that.

TORQUMADA
Thande if you would.

MICHAEL
(laughs)
Thande ain’t even here!
We didn’t invite him to this crew gathering!

TORQUMADA
No, Thande is here.
He’s wearing the suit, that’s why you can’t see him.
Thande, if you would.
(nothing)
Thande?

Everyone looks around.

TORQUMADA
Where the hell is Thande??

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – DAY

A shot of the living room in DAVE’s quarters, we can hear the noise of water running, someone’s in the shower. A quick backside glimpse of KEIRA KNIGHTLY standing in a steaming glass shower stall.

We suddenly see the doors to DAVE HOWERY’s quarters open, then close.

We hear a humming, making it’s way toward the bathroom.

Though the steam billowing out, we see the shape of a man standing at the doorway of the bathroom.

THANDE
Ooo… Thande likie.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY looks furious.

DAVE HOWERY
He’s where?

LEO CASIEUS
Scans show him in your quarters.

DAVE HOWERY looks at his watch.

DAVE HOWERY
This is Keira’s shower hour!
(He races out of the door)

DIAMOND
Haven’t seen anyone move that fast since Straha.
And that was when they were giving out
free enemas on that one world we came to.

FLOCCULENCIO
Keira has a shower hour?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yup. I’ll show you the tape later.

FLOCCULENCIO
You got a tape of it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
When you have access to all parts
of the ship for maintenance purposes,
it’s mind boggling how many
secret cameras you can set up.

FLOCCULENCIO
You sick bastard. How could you
do that to your own friends?
(beat)
So you got any of when
Atta came aboard?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sick bastard.
(beat)
Yeah, about three hours worth.

FLOCCULENCIO
Two hundred Hub Dollars for it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Deal.

TORQUMADA
Well. Since Thande is not where
to demonstrate this pink atrocity.
I’ll just download the specs into the
mainframe and you all can look it up later.
I’m tried of all these interruptions.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a
pair of brains that need feeding.

MATT picks up the pink suit.

MATT
I’ve worn worse.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeh, I still have nightmares about
that week you flashbacked to the 80’s.

MATT
It was an attempt to recapture my youth.

WEAPON M
You looked pretty fucked up, kid.
Seven suits, looks like only the big guns are going.

MICHAEL
Ha, sucks for you asshats.

WEAPON M
You’re not going.

MICHAEL
Bugger all of you to hell!
(storms out)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Loser.

WEAPON M
You’re not going too.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I hope your little penis rots and falls off!

MATT
So who’s all going?

INT. – SHUTTLE POD BAY ONE– DAY

DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are doing last minute checks on a shuttle. A bruised and bandaged THANDE stands pumping fuel into the shuttle, though he’s smiling happily to himself.

MICHAEL
I don’t see why I have to be here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You said you wanted to help.

MICHAEL
I meant with the rescue attempt.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, in a way you are.

We see MICHAEL polishing the consoles with a rag.

MICHAEL
This is demeaning.

Suddenly a door opens and DAVE HOWERY walks out, buckling his pants.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Michael. Clean up the restroom
back here. Someone made a mess.

MICHAEL
Um.. all manners of fuck no.

DAVE HOWERY
You said you wanted to help.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I already used that to have
him clean up in my quarters.

DAVE HOWERY
Dumbass. You know only to
use it when it’s something big.
Like cleaning the
Waste Recycle Facilities.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Meh, I got what I needed.

Suddenly we hear the sounds of the shuttle pod bay entrance opening.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY, and MICHAEL all exit the shuttle, watching those coming in.

WEAPON M, GREY WOLF, MATT, IRON YUPPIE, DMA. FLOCCULENCIO, and DIAMOND walk in wearing a tight pink suit. LANDSHARK follows a few steps behind, tossing a long scarf over his shoulder and adjusting a pair of goggles.

DIAMOND
Fuck, it rides up something fierce.

FLOCCULENCIO
I kinda like it.

DMA
I need to take a piss.

FLOCCULENCIO
Again?
That’s the fifth time now.

DMA
Bugger me if this bloody tight arsed pink thing doesn’t
compress my bladder to the size of an atom.
Plus I had a little drink before.

FLASH BACK WAVEY THING:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

Bottle lay everywhere, DMA stand staggering next to the Holy Sheep, finishing off another bottle.

DMA
(breathing heavily)
Now, what say you kick up
your heels and we have a go at it?

END OF FLASHBACK.

INT. – SHUTTLE POD BAY ONE – DAY

GREY WOLF looks at the crew.

GREY WOLF
Now, we get our captain back.

LANDSHARK
And I get to fly you sorry
arsed buggers there and back.
Yay fucking me.

They all head into the shuttle.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, ain’t that a sorry
assed sight to behold?

MICHAEL
You haven’t seen Psycho
mooning over Alyson Hannigan pics.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shrugs)
That causes no embarrassment in me.

THANDE watches the crew as they enter the shuttle.

THANDE
(with a vaguely perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Pump those bellows, stir that soup,
check those readings, watch out for
that whirlymagigthing over there, and
someone get me a megaphone!

PSYCHOMETLDOWN, MICHAEL, and G.BONE scurry about in the Engineering Bay.

LEO CASIEUS
Battle stations.
Battle stationS.
All crew to battle stations.

G.BONE
It’s really happening ain’t it?

MICHAEL
What?

G.BONE
Dave’s lost his mind.

DAVE HOWERY
(still shouting)
someone run me a hot bath!
You, break that red blinking light,
it’s annoying me. You, make sure
the microwave’s unplug, we don’t
want any fluctuations in the Shift emitters.

MICHAEL
Yup. Looks that way.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CASIEUS
All hands to battle stations.
Exiting shift space in 30 seconds.
All hands to battle stations.

The Control Room is bathed in red light, HENDRYK is sitting in the command chair, GBW at piloting, KIT at ship operations, and OTHNIEL at weapons.

HENDRYK
I can’t believe I’m in command of the ship.

KIT
Don’t get to used to it.
Once Doc comes back.

HENDRYK
I would never dream of replacing
the Glorious Doctor What. Only that
I have the honor of sitting upon the seat
where his ass once sat and commanding
the ship he once commanded.

GBW
Hmm.. guess happiness is all relative.

OTHNIEL
We’re coming up on Real Space.
Charging shields, weapons ready.

HENDRYK
Let’s show them what AH.commers are!

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE
We always don’t go into the fight, right?

The two men are sitting around a table, playing cards.

TORQUMADA
Best if we don’t get shot.

THANDE
But think of it. The adventure.

TORQUMADA
I’ve got enough adventure,

THANDE
Oh, how goes the Luakel cloning?

TORQUMADA
Not well. I can’t make a viable clone of his body.
Seems they come out deformed angry monsters.

THANDE
Sounds tough.

TORQUMADA
I’m up to the challenge.

THANDE
Need any help?

TORQUMADA
From you?

THANDE
Yeah.

TORQUMADA
Hell. No.

THANDE
Wanker.

TORQUMADA
You got any threes?

THANDE
Nope. Go Fish.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship pops out of the vortex. We see a large battered looking grey planet and from it streak scores of craft.

They’ve been spotted.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
You know the drill, boys.
Fire at anything that moves and
anything that looks like it’s thinking to move.
GBW, engage Don’t Get Shot pattern.
Kit, make sure Dave keeps the
engine going and our shields up.

The crew chorus their replies.

HENDRYK
Grey, it’s a green to go.
Good luck and bring Doc back or I’ll hunt
you down and skin you alive, got it?

GREY WOLF
(on comm.)
Hear you loud and clear, Hendryk.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

GREY WOLF
Pedal to the medal, Sharkbloke.

LANDSHARK
Aye, this will be fun.

GREY WOLF
Launching Shuttle pods.
(beat)
Launching.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

From the belly of the AH.com scores of shuttles are disgorged and fly at the planet.

The AH.com begins laying down a devastating barrage of fire at the incoming vessels.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

GREY WOLF
Crank on the cloak, Sharkbloke.

LANDSHARK
Cranking on the cloak.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see one of the shuttle disappear. The rest are set upon by the arriving ships. Each one exploding into balls of fire.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
Well, I think we’ll be learning the
joy of telelportation for a while, won’t we?

KIT
Such a waste.

HENDRYK
Nothing is wasteful when it come
to rescuing our lord and savior!

OTHNIEL
Jesus is not on planet.

KIT
Shuttles are gone.
No read on the Mynx III, but
space is gonna be a bit crowded now.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Though the debris of the sacrificial shuttles come the other ships, they begin firing upon the AH.com, which begins dodging and returning fire.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

LANDSHARK
Two minutes to compound.
Best you buggers get ready.

There’s clacking and clicking of weaponry as the rescue team makes last minute checks.

DMA
Bugger I need to take a pisser.

GREY WOLF
Piss on that wench’s corpse
when we’re done with her.

DIAMOND
Man, that sounds fucking kinky.
Anyone else aroused?

FLOCCULENCIO
I suggest a change to the plan.
Diamond does not bring up the rear.

GREY WOLF
Absolutely.

WEAPON M
I get to kill me some rocky bastards.
(grins)

MATT
Beats clubbing to death
baby seals that were bothering
tourists to the artic on that one world.

WEAPON M
Totally beats that.

LANDSHARK
Thirty seconds to touch down

EXT. – PRISON PLANET – DAY

We see a large compound in the distance. The cloaked shuttle is invisible so we can see it as it makes it’s approach.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

LANDSHARK
looks like the buggers didn’t spot us.
Am I best damn pilot on the friggin ship
or am I the best damned pilot on the friggin ship?

IRONYUPPIE
Shush, now, dear. We got things
to kill and a crazy Canuk to rescue.

GREY WOLF
Out people. Remember, stealth and speed.
Activate suits.

The crew vanishes as the suits are activated.

The ramps descends and they all get out.

LANDSHARK
Now, to wait.
(he pulls out a fashion magazine)

INT. – PRISON COMPOUND– DAY

We see a Rock Guard walking around, keeping an eye on things.

Suddenly the guard topples, a blade shoved in it’s back.

WEAPON M
Excellent, they may seem as
hard as stone, but it’s like a
knife through butter.

MATT
Quit showing off with your monomolecular blade.
We got a once controlled by ASB captain to rescue.

WEAPON M
Take all the fraggin fun
outta this why don’t you?

GREY WOLF
Shhh…
Another one is coming.

BOOOOM!!!!

The Rock Guard is blown to flaming pebbles.

MATT
See, BFG works wonders.

GREY WOLF
Bugger that’s sure to set off the alarms.

Alarms begin ringing.

IRONYUPPIE
See, if you hadn’t said anything,
they wouldn’t have rang.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wonderful logic, Yuppie.

GREY WOLF
Move!

We hear them running down the corridors.

INT. – PRISON – COMMAND HUB – DAY

We see LAURA HONORBLOWE standing before a hologram of the prison.

LARA HONORBLOWER
How many dead?

COMP VOICE
We’ve got seven guards dead.
Leading in this general direction.

A path is highlighted on the holographic image.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Well, looks like the fight in
the sky is only a diversion.

COMP VOICE
We have not been able to find
any evidence that there are any intruders.

LARA HONORBLOWER
They’re cloaked that’s why.
Bloody hell, I thought that tech
was beyond them. All guards fall
back to the high security areas.
They’re going for Doctor What.

COMP VOICE
Orders deployed.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Someone get me my gun.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR – DAY

A battle is raging as the Rock Guards are being shot up and the survivors are plastering the corridor with fire. The AH.commers, still invisible are enjoying the chance to shoot while not being shot at.

WEAPON M
Weeeheee!!!
Die you bastards!

MATT
Die motherfuckers! Die!!!!

GREY WOLF
We need to get Doc and stop
this nonsense shooting of the guards.
This was supposed to be a
Daring Commando Raid™!

We hear the AH.commers running down the cleared corridor, crunching over pebbles that were once the Rock Guards.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.com Ship zig and zagging as it’s surrounded by scores of ships and other vessels. It’s firing and dodging, but due to the sheer numbers it gets hit over and over, a strange green gas is left in it’s wake.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Damn those plasma vents.
They’re always getting blocked
or releasing when they shouldn’t!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What do we do?

DAVE HOWERY
Fix the damn thing!

G.BONE
Right.
(beat)
How do we do that?

DAVE HOWERY
Fuck if I know.

MICHAEL
Bloody brilliant.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Damn it. We’re getting
our asses handed to us.

GBW
You know the drill, Captain.

HENDRYK
Open up the vortex,
we’ve given them enough time.

KIT
Vortex opening.

SLAM!!!!

Everyone is practically knocked out of their stations.

HENDRYK
The hell?

OTHNIEL
I’ve got a signal on something.
Something huge.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A huge vessel has suddenly appeared, it’s hull a dark grey and it’s shape oddly bat like.

It fires off a salvo, the AH.com ship is shaken about like a toy.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
What the hell is that?
Where did it come from

GBW
Scans don’t register is as a known vessel.
It’s not ASB or other.
Some new ship.

OTHNIEL
It just appeared.
Out of friggin no where.

KIT
We’re losing shields.
Weapons are gone.

HENDRYK
Shift engines?

KIT
They’re online.
They’ll have to recharge.

HENDRYK
How long?

KIT
Ten minutes?

HENDRYK
We don’t have ten minutes!

BOOOOMMM!!!

They are hit again.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY– DAY

Smoke and fire are raging everywhere.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, this is just fucking great!

MICHAEL
I’m on fire!

He runs by trailing flames.

DAVE HOWERY
Wonderful.

There is an explosion.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Main Engines are gone.
We’ve got shields down to ten percent.
No weapons.

HENDRYK
Shift engines?

KIT
Still charging.

GBW
We’re heading to the planet.

HENDRYK
What?

The view screen pops open to show the ship obviously plunging into the atmosphere of the planet.

HENDRYK
Aw, shit.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER stalks down the corridors a troop of Rock Guards behind her.

LARA HONORBLOWER
They think they can hide behind
their primitve stealth systems?
Bugger ‘em I say.

She puts on a pair of goggles. The Rock Guards can be seen wearing them also.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Come out and play, kitties.

INT. – PRISON – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

We hear quickly moving footsteps.

GREY WOLF
I see her.

IRONYUPPIE
The Honorblower bitch?

GREY WOLF
Yeah, that’s her.

WEAPON M
Hold still, let them come nearer
and we’ll jump their asses.
They can’t see us anyway.
(beat)
Yeah, good plan.

INT. – PRISON – CELL– DAY

DOCTOR WHAT can be seen gnashing his teeth, his head bent at an odd angle.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I can’t even chew off my own arms to escape.
That’s fucked up.

The distant sounds of gunfire can be heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guess all I can do is hang here and wait to be rescued.
(begins whistling)

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

The Corridor is drenched in gunfire.

WEAPON M
Bad plan!
Bad Plan!
Run!!!

Suddenly LARA HONORBLOWER lands amidst the AH.commers.

LARA HONORBLOWER POV: everything is tinted in a yellowish color, except for the AH.commers who all appear in a hot pink color.

WEAPON M goes flying with a round house kick to the sternum.

MATT is shoved face first into a wall.

DMA falls to a karate chop to the neck.

DIAMOND is floored with a kick to the groin.

FLOCCULENCIO is knocked unconscious by repeated blows to the head.

And IRON YUPPIE is shocked with some kind of taser like weapon. She shrieks and convulses upon the floor.

GREY WOLF and LARA HONORBLOWER face one another. The Rock Guards are all dead and they are the only two left standing.

GREY WOLF
Well…
This is awkward.

LARA HONORBLOWER
It does seem a little sad that your
little Daring Commando Raid failed so miserably.

GREY WOLF
No, I was talking more about
being saved by all people Landshark.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Wha-

LANDSHARK smashes a bit of Rock Guard chunk into the back of LARA HONORBLOWER’s head.

LANDSHARK
You owe me one, old chap.

GREY WOLF
Get your lazy arses up!
We got a Doc to save.

Slowly the crew is revived and they make their limping way from the battle scene.

EXT. – IN THE ATMOSPHERE – DAY

The AH.com ship is plunging downward, fire trailing it along with weapons fire.

HENDRYK
Good and bad news, people.

KIT
Good news.
The atmosphere is preventing a good target
lock on us. So not weapons fire is hitting us.

GBW
Bad news, We’re gonna crash.

OTHNIEL
Good news, you can all
repent and be saved right now.

HENDRYK
How long to the shift engines recharge.

KIT
Two minutes.

HENDRYK
How long until we hit the ground?

GBW
Two minutes.

HENDRYK
Wonderful.

INT. – PRISON – CELL– DAY

The door explodes inward, slamming against the wall inches from DOCTOR WHAT.

WEAPON M
Whoops, almost got you there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lee! How the hell are you?

WEAPON M
As well as can be.
Rescue is here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great unshackle me and let’s get going!

GREY WOLF, FLOCCULENCIO, DIAMOND, and MATT all enter.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit! All of you guys?

GREY WOLF
Told you I’d come back.

DOCTOR WHAT
No you didn’t.

GREY WOLF
Or was that when I was hallucinating badly?
(shrugs)

FLOCCULENCIO
Figured we’d save your arse Doc.

DIAMOND
Since we always seem to be doing it.

MATT
Yeah.

IRONYUPPIE
Not to break up the friggin’ hallmark moment,
but the damn rock things are coming again.

DMA
Hey, Doc. Why you naked?

DOCTOR WHAT
Long story.

DMA
Shall I make the joke?

MATT
(shrugging)
Why not?

DMA
Must be cold in here, eh, Doc?
(laughs)

IRONYUPPIE
Trust me, it’s not.

Long pause by everyone.

GREY WOLF
Let’s go.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER gets to her feet.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Damn.
Comp!

COMP VOICE
Yes?

LARA HONORBLOWER
Has Doctor What escaped?

COMP VOICE
Yes.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Bugger.
Get all the antiaircraft fire going.
They won’t escape.

COMP VOICE
I think an escape is in order.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Why’s that?

EXT. – IN THE ATMOSPHERE – DAY

KIT
Shift engines a go!

HENDRYK
Open the vortex!

Viewscreen shows the compound and ground coming up fast.

KIT
Sending rendezvous coordinates to the shuttle.

GBW
Vortex open!

EXT. – ABOVE COMPOUND – DAY

The shift vortex opens, a massive swirling thing. The AH.com ship disappears into it, meanwhile the vortex itself begins tearing up buildings and causing destruction on the compound.

It flickers and flares, then suddenly collapses in a loud explosion that blasts every into white.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER
An unstable vortex?

COMP VOICE
It’s set off a chain reaction, one that will cause
the power reactor to detonate in five minutes.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Damn it.
Evacuated base.
Now!

Alarms begin blaring.

LARA HONORBLOWER
I shall have my revenge…

She vanishes in a pop.

INT. – PRISON – ANOTHER CORRIDOR– DAY

GREY WOLF
Run!

DOCTOR WHAT
You try running when you’ve
been tied up for nearly a month!

IRONYUPPIE
Run!

The crew run down the corridor, carrying DOCTOR WHAT between them.

EXT. – PRISON – COURTYARD – DAY

We see the MYNX III take off.

They open a vortex and vanish.

Behind them everything erupts into a massive fireball.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

There’s a big banner reading ‘WELCOME BACK DOC” and everyone either seems to be drunk.

THANDE
How’s it feel to be back, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
Compared to being tortured every day and humiliated?
Feels about the same.
(grins)

THANDE
Well, we showed Honorblower that we can kick her arse again.
Wonder how she’s gonna take it?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not well, is my guess.
She’s one who doesn’t revel in failures.
Y’know one of those stuck up types that can’t fail.

THANDE
Well, she almost did what she was going for.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, if not for the timely rescue by the crew.
(a beat)
Though I still feel pretty shitty about
all that happened.The Hub and all that.
I don’t see how Grey managed
to get you all to come after me.

THANDE
We all learned something, while you
were away and while the other were
away. We only seem to succeed when
we’re all together, not when we’re broken up.

DOCTOR WHAT
United we stand?
(laughs)

THANDE
Seems cheesy, but it’s true. The stuff that happen
in the Hub… well these things happen. The only thing
that matters is that we’re all together again.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
What about Straha?

THANDE
(with a grin)
Fuck Straha.

DOCTOR WHAT grins and raises a drink.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A tiny battered ship floats in the vast blackness of space.

INT.- SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MIKE COLLINS storms down a corridor, there’s a haze of smoke filling the entire place.

The smoke comes from a storage area that looks hastily converted into a bed room. STRAHA lies on a battered mattress, smoking.

MIKE COLLINS
Damn you, Straha!
I said no more smoking.

STRAHA
Huh?
Hey, you look funny.
(begins giggling)

MIKE COLLINS
Damn it!
(snatches doobie away from Straha)

STRAHA
Hey.. that’s my last one.

MIKE COLLINS
Good.
Now get your lazy ass up and
help me fix the damned
shift engines. Or else we’ll be
stuck here another week!

STRAHA
Huh?
Gimmie five minutes.
(He rolls over and falls asleep)

MIKE COLLINS
(glaring)
I could toss you out of an airlock, you know?

No response.

MIKE COLLINS
Bastard.
I should have just left him.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS