TEASER
EXT- SPACE- DAY
We see Earth. We slowly pan down to see…
The AH.COM Ship.
It is flying very rapidly towards us. Behind it we see several large galleon style spaceships—all of them emblazoned with large Papal Crosses. They are firing at the AH.COM ship.
INT. –AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM –DAY
The Bridge is a mess—smoke everywhere, debris scattered about, emergency lights on, etc.
We see LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF at the navigation/helm controls while KIT, GBW and MICHAEL are manning other stations.
IRONYUPPIE is in the Command Chair.
IRONYUPPIE
DAVE– get that Shift engine fired up!
DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
I’m going to need a few minutes!
What the hell are you guys doing up there?
IRONYUPPIE
Getting our asses kicked!
LANDSHARK
This ass-kicking really isn’t the same without the assless
leather pants, the snorkel and the 6 inch stiletto shoes.
IRONYUPPIE
Later Sharkie love—there will be time for fun afterwards.
(shouting into communicator)
Dave—move your fat ass and get to it!
MICHAEL
(sotto voce)
Pot meet kettle.
KIT
Incoming communication! On screen!
The viewscreen shows a man in an elaborate robe sneering at the camera.
MAN
(sneering)
This is Captain Mackerel Snapper of the Righteous Fury.
Surrender now and be prepared to be boarded!
Suddenly we see a control panel behind CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER explode in a shower of sparks. CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER looks around in confusion and anger as alarms are going off. The viewscreen turns off.
MICHAEL
Hey! There’s another ship coming in!
IRONYUPPIE
On screen!
The viewscreen shows us several saucer shaped ships—each emblazoned with a Lotus Blossom design—come into view.
KIT
Incoming transmission—from both set of ships!
IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
On screen!
SPLIT-SCREEN
We see CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER on the left and a man with a shaved head and wearing a red monk-like robe on the right.
CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER
What madness is this? Who dares to attack ships of the Papal Theocracy?
Have you taken leave of your senses? Identify yourselves!
MAN
(smiling)
The mind of perfect purity is beyond thinking and is inexplicable.
It dwells in the self-perfected bliss which is deedless and self-perfected.
It is a path, subtle and difficult to understand, which is non-speculative
and beyond thinking. It cannot be captured in words. It is firm, difficult
to comprehend, and totally inexplicable
CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER
What the hell is that suppose to mean?!
MAN
(suddenly frowning)
It means that you are going to pay off your Karma
at a vastly accelerated rate, asshat!
EXT.- SPACE- DAY
We see the two group of ships start blasting away at each other with weapon fire. The AH.COM ship is—for the moment—being ignored.
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM –DAY
MICHAEL
Well—there’s something you don’t
see every day—militant Buddhists.
GBW
Perplexing to be sure.
LANDSHARK
Intriguing.
IRONYUPPIE
Screw them—they’re too busy shooting at each other
to pay any attention to us. That’s good enough for me.
Now, let’s slink off and run.
MICHAEL
We’ve gotten good at that lately.
(GBW nods)
IRONYUPPIE
(hitting button on chair)
Dave! What the heck is taking so long with the—
KIT
Incoming ships!
MICHAEL, IRONYUPPIE, GREY WOLF, GBW and LANDSHARK roll their eyes.
LANDSHARK
Who is it THIS time?
KIT
The ships are shaped like…Star of Davids?!
GREY WOLF
Oy vey…
MICHAEL
Hey—you know what this means? It means…
LANDSHARK
Don’t say it…
MICHAEL
JEWS… IN… SPAAAAAACE!
WHAM! LANDSHARK clobbers MICHAEL with a cricket bat and MICHAEL falls to the ground unconscious.
GREY WOLF
(glancing down at Michael)
Nice Off-Drive.
LANDSHARK
Damn! I was going for a Square Drive!
GREY WOLF
You’re pulling your leg in too soon on the follow through.
I can show you a few tips later.
LANDSHARK
Much appreciated.
IRONYUPPIE
What are the Jewish ships doing, kitten?
KIT
They seem to be attacking both the Papists and the Buddhists.
IRONYUPPIE
(nodding head)
Right. Ok—where was I? Oh yeah…
(hitting button on chair)
Yo DAVE! Where the hell is my Shift—
KIT
Another incoming ship! Incoming transmission!
IRONYUPPIE
All together now…
ALL
On screen!
The viewscreen shows a decrepit elderly lady. This is the ZOMBIE AYN RAND
ZOMBIE AYN RAND
For centuries, the mystics of spirit had existed by running a protection racket –
by making life on earth unbearable, then charging you for consolation and
relief, by forbidding all the virtues that make existence possible, then riding
on the shoulders of your guilt, by declaring production and joy to be sins, then
collecting blackmail from the sinners. No more! From this point on, the Collective
fights back!
EXT. – SPACE- DAY
We see a massive 4 way battle between the Papist space galleons, the Buddhist Lotus Blossom ships, the Jewish Star of David ships and the Ayn Rand Collective ships (all shaped like dollar signs). Off to one side—completely forgotten—is the AH.COM ship.
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM –DAY
We see the bridge crew staring out. MICHAEL is slowly getting up off the floor.
LANDSHARK
You know—this is actually kind of cool.
GREY WOLF
(pulling out a PDA-like device and pressing a few buttons)
Damn it! I thought for sure that DIAMOND and FLOCC would
be in this timeline! Guess we just have to try the next one.
IRONYUPPIE
How many more we have to look through?
GREY WOLF
217—maybe more.
LANDSHARK
I’m not so supportive anymore on this
attempt to find those that left the ship.
GBW
But we can’t go into major battle
without MATT and WEAPON M…
MICHAEL
Then why are we looking for DIAMOND and FLOCC?
Long silence.
Everyone looks at GREY WOLF.
GREY WOLF
It’s a group effort, people!
Group Effort!
All of us in or none of us at all!
GBW
But won’t this sidetrack searching for missing crew members be
counterproductive in saving Doc’s life? I would assume that the
time we spent looking for Diamond, Flocc, Matt, and Weapon M
would be better spent making a plan to infiltrate and defeat whomever
has captured our former captain.
GREY WOLF
(beat)
It’s a Group Effort, People!
MICHAEL
Are we going to look for Straha too?
EVERYONE
Fuck no!
DAVE HOWERY
(on comm)
Hey, guys? Are we going to shift anytime soon? I mean you were just
screaming at me to fix the shift engines and I did, five minutes ago!
So are we shifting or not??
(beat)
Guys?
IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
Very well—DAVE—engage!
The AH.COM ship enters a vortex and disappears.
LANDSHARK (o.v.)
I’m telling you guys—those two are having the time of their lives!
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“ONE FOR ALL & ALL FOR ONE”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
INT. –SLEAZY LOOKING OFFICE –DAY
We pan slowly across a decrepit looking office. The paint on the walls are a disgusting green colour and are peeling in a few places, the carpet is threadbare and may have been plaid once but what appears to be twenty years of dirt and grime has completely destroyed all traces of colour, while the furniture appears to be an eclectic mixture of designs and gives one the impression that they were basically picked up off the curb—or trash dumps.
We continue to slowly pan to a collection of chairs along one wall. The men sitting in the chairs are of various ages and races and have few similarities with each other.
Except one.
The eyes.
All of the men have the same ‘haunted look’ in their eyes. As if they have personally seen the horrors of Hell itself. One or two of the men seem to be severely traumatized and are rocking back and forth in their chairs, drooling slightly. Several other men have nervous tics on their faces.
None of the men are looking at one another.
We continue to pan over to the end of the line of chairs—to see FLOCC and DIAMOND sitting. They look—if possible—in even worse shape than the other men.
We continue to pan to see…
A man sitting behind a large desk. This is DAVID BAR ELIAS. He is smoking a very large cigar and clouds of foul looking smoke are obscuring him. He is talking on the telephone. Above him we see a large sign:
SEYMORE BUTTS LAST CHANCE ESCORT SERVICE
“Cause Everyone Needs Lovin’!”
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(talking into telephone)
Hello! How can I help you?
(beat)
Ah! Miss Crabbottom! Nice to hear from you! What can I do for you?
(starts writing on a notepad)
Uh-huh…uh-huh…yes…I see…uh-huh….you might want to put some ointment
on that, by the way…uh-huh…yup…no problemo…will do…
bye-bye!
(hangs up phone)
Yo DIAMOND! Get over here!
We see DIAMOND twitch and look at FLOCC. FLOCC glances at DIAMOND, shakes his head sadly and turns away. DIAMOND reluctantly gets up and walks towards DAVID BAR ELIAS
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Yo Diamond! Good news! You got yourself another gig!
It’s with Miss Crabbottom!
DIAMOND
(horrified whisper)
Oh God no…
(beat)
I’m begging you, man—anyone but her. Please!
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(making tsking sounds)
Really now DIAMOND—we at SEYMORE BUTTS make
it our mission to give fine escort service to EVERYONE!
DIAMOND
But she…she…oh God…
(starts sobbing softly)
DAVID BAR ELIAS
DIAMOND—300 pound spandex wearing housewives need lovin’ too!
So big deal she lives with six cats. And prefers to have sex in the cowgirl
position. And likes to get drunk beforehand. Remember our motto!
DIAMOND
When you absolutely have no other choice, come to us?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
No! The other one! “Cause everyone needs lovin’!”
DIAMOND
(sighing)
Alright I’ll go
(turns to leave)
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Just a second—stop over at props!
DIAMOND
Huh? Why?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
She’s paying extra for the ‘Sailor Boy’ fantasy—she wants
to try something called the “Deep Diving Submariner’!
DIAMOND hangs his head in shame and slowly shuffles down the corridor, weeping softly.
FLOCC
(sotto voce)
Buddha—I bet the other guys are having the time of their lives….
EXT.- FOREST- NIGHT
We see a dark forest. The forest is overgrown—almost choking—with thick bushes and undergrowth. A full moon shines down.
Suddenly—we see a flicker of movement. A figure–breathing heavily and almost obscured by shadows—quickly passes by the camera. Another, somewhat larger, figure does the same a few seconds later.
We slowly pan over the dark foreboding forest to see the two figures crouching beneath a tree.
We recognize them as MATT and WEAPON M. Both are in full Commando style gear (black uniform, night goggles, etc) . They’re whispering to each other.
MATT
This is bad…this is very bad.
WEAPON M
Steady kid—we can do this. Remember your training.
MATT
Can’t believe we’re actually doing this.
WEAPON M
A paycheck is a paycheck, dude. We’re soldiers
and we’re doing what we do best.
MATT
Still—this totally sucks.
WEAPON M
Would you prefer to be homeless and hungry? We’re being fed,
housed and paid to take care of a problem—a problem that is
best resolved through the copious use of gunfire and explosives.
Sounds like a sweet deal to me.
MATT
There’s a big difference between blowing away
Nazis and CF.Netters and doing….
(voice breaks)
…doing what we’re going to do.
WEAPON M
(shrugging shoulders)
We do what we have to.
MATT
Still! Having to hunt down and kill—
WEAPON M
Shhh! Movement at two o’clock!
MATT and WEAPON M stealthily move out, MATT going left and WEAPON M going right. We follow MATT as he sneaks through the forest trying to flank the oncoming…whatever.
MATT looks frantically around. All is deathly quiet. MATT taps his night goggles.
NIGHT GOGGLES POV
We see the entire forest in shades of pale green. We can see no heat sources whatsoever.
We go back to our original POV and see MATT still looking frantically around. He pulls out a small scanner and looks at it.
It has a small radar like display screen on it, with a line that sweeps backs and forth making beeping sounds. There’s nothing on the scanner.
Correction—there was nothing on the scanner.
Now there is.
There’s a small dot moving rapidly towards MATT’s position. The beeping sound of the movement scanner starts increasing in pitch and frequency.
MATT pulls out his BFG and points it ahead of him. The scanner is going completely crazy with beeping sounds.
CLOSE-UP MATT’S FACE
We see a small bead of sweat trickle down MATT’s face.
We hear and see movement ahead of him. Bushes are being moved, twigs are being trampled, leaves are being rustled…
Suddenly a figure appears in the clearing. It’s…
…a small yellow teddy bear with a white chest. It’s grinning and has an image of a smiling sun on its chest.
It’s a Care Bear!
MATT
(in total shock)
(out loud)
Funshine Bear?
FUNSHINE BEAR looks in MATT’s direction and smiles from ear to ear. MATT, still in shock, moves his gun down.
FUNSHINE BEAR spots MATT putting his gun down. It’s still smiling—but then the smile changes suddenly—to a snarling face—complete with huge fangs! It leaps at MATT!
MATT screams and brings his gun up—too late! FUNSHINE BEAR tackles MATT and knocks him to the ground!
We see a snarling FUNSHINE BEAR trying to bite MATT. It’s taking all of MATT’s skills and energy just to keep FUNSHINE BEAR from biting him. FUNSHINE BEAR claws MATT’s face and moves in to bite his neck…
BOOM!
FUNSHINE BEAR’s head gets literally blown off! The head goes one direction while the body—still clawing—falls in another.
MATT looks up to see—WEAPON M, holding a smoking BFG in his arms. WEAPON M helps MATT up.
WEAPON M
You okay, dude?
MATT
Funshine Bear?
(shakes head)
Yeah—I think so.
WEAPON M
You don’t often see that kind of behaviour in a Care Bear.
MATT
Uh-huh.
MATT picks up his gun and he and WEAPON M move deeper into the forest.
MATT
Man—hunting killer Care Bears. This has to be the suckiest
mercenary job we’ve ever had in the last three months!
WEAPON M
Worse than the one where we were hunting that Vorpal Rabbit?
MATT
Yes!
WEAPON M
Worse than the one where we had to clear out
those rats from that ancient temple?
MATT
Yes!
WEAPON M
What about the time where we had to track down that giant
radioactive mutant tumbleweed that was attacking people?
MATT
Even that one!
WEAPON M
Well, it’s this or back to working in the Hub, you want that?
MATT has a far away look.
Flash back wavy thingy.
INT. – HUB BURGER JOINT – DAY
WEAPON M is flipping burgers while MATT is manning the cash register. Suddenly ALT=LUAKEL walks up to MATT. ALT-LUAKEL slams down a wrapped package before MATT with a loud THUD!
MATT flinches from the sound.
ALT-LUAKEL
Tell me something!
Are you just stupid or is it because of all the inbreeding!
MATT
Uh…
ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT.
ALT-LUAKEL
Does this look like a Triple Entente Burger?
MATT
Uh…
ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT again.
ALT-LUAKEL
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TRIPLE ENTENTE BURGER!?
MATT
Uh…
ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT once more.
ALT-LUAKEL
NOT IT’S NOT A TRIPLE ENTENTE BUGER!
IT’S A QUADRUPLE ENTENTE BURGER!
This is coming out of your pay check and you’re on
bathroom duty for the next two weeks. You hear me?
MATT
Yes, sir…
End flashback.
Wavy thingy.
EXT.- FOREST- NIGHT
MATT
(terrified voice)
No. Not that. Never that…
(shakes head)
I say we should have joined Doc and Grey.
I bet they’re having the time of their lives…
INT. – SHUTTLE ‘MYNX III’- DAY
THREE MONTHS AGO
We see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF sitting at the controls. GREY WOLF is piloting while DOCTOR WHAT stares depressingly out the window.
GREY WOLF
Cheer up, Doc—we’ll find them!
DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve been searching for weeks now, GW,
and we’re still no closer to finding them.
(sighs)
Damn—nothing in our lives are easy, isn’t it?
GREY WOLF
We’ll find them, Doc.
(beat)
Uh—still haven’t figured out what to say to her when you meet her?
DOCTOR WHAT
(gets a ‘pondering look’ on his face)
Hey Atta—how’s it going? Sorry about the whole ‘getting mind-controlled
by evil godlike aliens and hitting you and kicking you off my ship and trying
to destroy the universe’ thingy but rest assured that I’m feeling MUCH better
now and, by the way, how’s my kid doing? Was it a boy or a girl? I was thinking
that maybe you can see past this whole ‘abandoning you’ stuff and let me back I
nto your life. Won’t that be neat?
(beat)
What do you think?
GREY WOLF
Might need a bit of work.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing again)
Thought so.
We see DOCTOR WHAT pull out a small PDA-like device—looking identical to the one we saw GREY WOLF holding in the teaser. DOC pushes a few buttons and scrolls through the displays.
GREY WOLF
Are you even sure that information is correct?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
Nope—but with the amount of stuff I had to trade to get this, it better be accurate.
GREY WOLF
(shrugging shoulders)
Still—a log of every timeline visited by every portal in the Pub and
every ship in the Hub in the two week period after that whole ASB
thing is only useful if…
DOCTOR WHAT
…if they left during that two week period and not afterwards or
if they didn’t decide to jump ship on a later timeline or if they
didn’t decide to do some kind of ‘grand tour’ and hop from one
timeline to another or a thousand other ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and ‘so forths’!
(sighs)
I know that all this is a long shot, GW—but this is the only lead I have.
GREY WOLF
I know and I’m sticking with you until the end, one way or the other.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks man.
(beat)
Wonder what’s the rest of the crew up to?
GREY WOLF
(shrugging shoulders)
Heard that a lot of the gang took off after we left.
Sharky and IY should still be there though.
DOCTOR WHAT
That would make them Captain and XO of the ship, wouldn’t it?
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF ponder this image for a few seconds.
DOCTOR WHAT
I think I may need a drink.
GREY WOLF
Same here.
DOCTOR WHAT hands the PDA to GREY WOLF, who slips the device into his pocket, and moves to the back of the shuttle. He pours two glasses of scotch from a bottle.
GREY WOLF
So—how do you think the crew who left are going to do?
DOCTOR WHAT walks to the front carrying two glasses and hands one to GREY WOLF and sits himself down.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling slightly)
Probably having the time of their lives, knowing those loonies.
If the adventures we’ve had has taught them anything, it’s being
able to survive in any situation and any timeline.
GREY WOLF sips his drink for a moment
GREY WOLF
You know Flocc and Diamond also left.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Those poor bastards.
Klaxons start going off.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?!
GREY WOLF
Ship Shifting in—practically right on top of us!
We see a phenomenally bright white light shine through the cockpit windows of the shuttle, blinding us the viewers and washing out everything.
CUT TO:
GREY WOLF surfacing from a pond, rain and thundering pouring down around him. He looks happy and exvited. Behind him we can see a large compound like structure, occasionally lit up by flashing of lightning.
GREY WOLF pumps his fist in the air, shouting.
Suddenly we see dark figure surrounding the pond, weapons drawn.
CUT TO:
GREY WOLF being pushed down a dark hallway by several uniformed figures wearing visors and carrying police batons. He trips and falls to the ground with a grunt. One of the figures bends over to pick up GREY WOLF…
…only to get punched in the groin by GREY WOLF! With an almost feral scream, GREY WOLF hits the stunned guard in the face with his fist and picks up his baton and clobbers the second guard with it. GREY WOLF looks frantically around and rushes down a corridor. We hear shouts and screams behind him. GREY WOLF runs into a large hanger bay and spots the MYNX III. He runs towards it just as we hear the sounds of alarms going off…
CUT TO:
The shuttle ‘MYNX III’ flying at high speed while being chased by several small fighter ships. They’re firing lasers at the shuttle and the shuttle is frantically weaving and dodging the shots.
CUT TO:
Interior of the shuttle. GREY WOLF’s hands are a blur as he is pressing buttons and switches.
COMPUTER VOICE
Warning! Activating Shift Engines without proper safety features engaged is highly inadvisable!
GREY WOLF
Blow it out your arse!
He presses one final sequence of buttons.
CUT TO:
Exterior of the shuttle as a vortex suddenly opens up in front of it, It flies into the vortex and it quickly closes behind it, leaving the fighter ships behind.
CUT TO:
GREY WOLF in the AH.Com hanger bay, looking at IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK and assorted other AH.commers.
GREY WOLF
Doc….
(passes out)
CUT TO:
GREY WOLF standing in front of the collected AH.commers in the Battle Room.
GREY WOLF
We have to save Doc! I have a plan!
(waves PDA around)
CUT TO:
INT. – DOC’S READY ROOM- DAY
We see GREY WOLF wake up with a start from the chair he was sleeping in. There’s a black cat resting on his lap.
GREY WOLF
(patting MYNX)
Don’t worry girl—we’ll get your owner back—if it’s the last thing I do.
If I can’t do that, I’ll bring back enough of him for you to play with.
Okay?
(Mynx purrs contently)
There’s a beeping sound from the door.
GREY WOLF
Come in.
We see that it’s GBW.
GBW
Just wanted you to know that we’ll be arriving at the next timeline in
just a few minutes. Hopefully we will have better luck with this one.
GREY WOLF
I hope so, GBW—I hope so.
Could you get Mynx a saucer of milk while you’re up?
INT. -SEYMORE BUTTS ESCORT OFFICE – DAY
We see FLOCC and DIAMOND seated at some chairs. Both look slovenly, unshaven and seem to be plagued by strange facial twitches.
DIAMOND pulls a handgun from his pocket and places it between them. Pulling out a half empty bottle of some strange looking green liquor, he takes a shot straight from the bottle and grimaces at the taste. Picking up the handgun, he points it at his head and pulls the trigger.
CLICK!
Wordlessly, DIAMOND hands the gun to FLOCC. FLOCC takes a shot of the green liquor, grimacing as well. He points the gun at his head and pulls the trigger.
CLICK!
FLOCC hands the gun over to DIAMOND. He takes a shot of liquor and points the gun at his head.
TIGHT ON: Gun trigger being squeezed.
We are suddenly interrupted by a beeping sound. With a look of confusion and annoyance, DIAMOND puts the gun down and digs into his pocket to pull out…
…a communicator.
DIAMOND
(speaking into communicator)
(shocked and stunned voice)
Hello?
GREY WOLF
(o.v.)
DIAMOND! You old crazy Yank! It’s me—GREY WOLF!
Listen—I know that this is rather unexpected and sudden but
I was wondering if you would like to rejoin the old crew and—
DIAMOND
Yes.
GREY WOLF
–uh, I haven’t told you why…
DIAMOND
Doesn’t matter—when can you pick us up?
GREY WOLF
–uh—and I had a whole speech and everything worked out and everything…
(beat)
Ummmm—we just Shifted in—we can teleport you up in about 15 minutes or so.
DIAMOND
We have to stay here another 15 minutes?!
FLOCC grabs the bottle and takes another generous gulp of it.
FLOCC
Not sure if I can hold out that long….
GREY WOLF
(very confused)
Um…I suppose…maybe 10 minutes if we hurry…?
DIAMOND
Yes—please hurry!
FLOCC
By the Buddha and all that is holy—please do!
GREY WOLF
On the way.
FLOCC and DIAMOND smile at each other and stand up and walk towards DAVID BAR ELIAS.
FLOCC/DIAMOND
(together)
We quit!
They high-five each other and walk out the office, smiling and whistling. DIAMOND looks at the gun he is holding in his hand and shrugs his shoulders. He throws it behind as he walks out.
TIGHT ON: Gun skidding on the floor for a few seconds and coming to a rest before several of the male escorts- DOETH, ADAM, FABILIUS, RAN EXILIS and BLACKMAGE. They stare at the gun for a few seconds then at each other.
All of them simultaneously jump on the gun.
DOETH
Give me that!
ADAM
My turn first!
FABILIUS
I’ve been here longest!
RAN EXILIS
Hey—there’s only one bullet in here! What do we do?
BLACKMAGE
Hey—I know! Why don’t we just put all our heads together
and have the bullet go all the way through?
ALL
Good plan!
They all put their heads together. BLACKMAGE puts the gun to his head and starts to squeeze the trigger….
END ACT 1
ACT II
INT. –AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- DAY
GREY WOLF, FLOCC, DIAMOND, GBW, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are in the room.
GREY WOLF
This is great! We almost have the whole crew back together again!
DIAMOND
Wait—hang on—run all this by me again.
What the heck is going on here?
GREY WOLF
I told you—me and Doc got captured by this ship that came out
of nowhere. We got separated but I was able to escape and steal
back our shuttle. I managed to make it back to the ah.com and
we’ve been spending the last few days jumping from one timeline
to another trying to find you guys.
(smiling)
And we finally found you two! I have a good feeling about the next jump!
I’m sure we’ll find MATT and WEAPON M soon!
FLOCC
But who captured you? And why?
GREY WOLF
Beats the hell out of me—I was too busy trying to keep my head
from being smashed in to ask them any questions. I got the impression,
however, that they were more interested in Doc than in me.
FLOCC
Oh man—déjà vu.
DIAMOND
I’m still trying to figure this out—who wants to capture Doc?
GBW
Who doesn’t? Between the Fallen, Ward, the Mirror AH.Com ship,
Atta, the Neanderthals and the ASBs, there’s probably not a single
universe in existence where Doc is safe.
GREY WOLF
Well then—we have our work cut out for us!
But we can do this if we’re a team! Right?
(looks expectantly around to the other AH.commers)
We hear vague noncommittal sounds from the group.
GREY WOLF
(more forceful)
Riii-iiight?
OTHER AH.commers
(together)
Yeah/I guess/Uh-huh/I suppose so/Eh-whatever…
GREY WOLF
(clapping hands)
Right! Ok—off we go to the next timeline!
He leaves the room. A few seconds later, the rest of the gang leaves as well.
INT. –AH.COM = CONTROL ROOM- DAY
We see assorted AH.commers at their stations or standing around.
LEO
We’ve arrived, people. Entering orbit in just a few minutes.
GREY WOLF
What have you got for us?
LEO
Preliminary scans indicate a predominantly agricultural based society—
numerous small towns and villages scattered across most of the continents
but very few large cities. Technology seems to be at Medieval Europe level—
but there are many indications of extensive ruins and abandoned cities.
(beat)
Strange—the ruins and abandoned cities seem to indicate a level of technology
far in excess of the current technology. It’s almost as if there was a massive war
or cataclysm of some sort and everyone got knocked down a few pegs in technology….
GREY WOLF
All very interesting I’m sure, LEO—but do
you see any indication of MATT or WEAPON M?
LEO
Just a moment…
(beat)
I seem to have picked up a very faint signal coming from MATT’s
communicator coming from the southern Appalachian Mountains—
specifically the area between Tennessee and
North Carolina known as the Smoky Mountains.
GBW
Strong enough to lock in a teleporter signal?
LEO
Negative.
IRONYUPPIE
Can we call him on the communicator?
LEO
Been trying to—no response.
GREY WOLF
Guess we just have to take down a shuttle.
IRONYUPPIE
Time to save that jarhead’s ass again—Sharkie, Grey,
Diamond and Flocc—you’re coming with me. GBW—
you’re in charge while we’re gone.
The five AH.commers leave.
INT. – SHUTTLE MYNX III – DAY
LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are piloting the shuttle. Seated behind them are DIAMOND, FLOCC and IRONYUPPIE.
IRONYUPPIE
(turning to face FLOCC and DIAMOND)
So guys—what did you two do to keep yourself busy during the last 3 months?
FLOCC and DIAMOND exchange a glance.
DIAMOND
Uh–spreading word of the good Reformist Sheepist religion to all.
FLOCC
And the wonders of Goatism, for it is written:
There is no Goat but Goat, and Flocculencio is its Prophet.
IRONYUPPIE
So these t-shirts that fell out of your duffel bags don’t belong to you?
IRONYUPPIE pulls out two bright yellow t-shirts that are riddled with holes and various unidentifiable stains. Written on the front of each shirt are the words ‘SEYMORE BUTTS ALL-STAR MAN-BITCH BASEBALL TEAM’. The shirts each have a name predominantly written in the back –one has ‘DIAMOND’ and the number 6 _; the other has ‘FLOCCULENCIO’ and the number 7 _ .
DIAMOND
Uh—we can explain…
FLOCC
It was a …ummmm…charity thing….
IRONYUPPIE
(grinning)
Suuuuuuu-uuuure.
DIAMOND
You’re never going to let us forget this, are you?
FLOCC
Dude—she’s evil—what do you think?
LANDSHARK turns around and faces them.
LANDSHARK
(nodding head)
Yes. Yes, she is.
(beat)
That’s why I like her so much!
IRONYUPPIE
(quiet menacing voice)
Sharkie love—did I give you permission to speak?
LANDSHARK
(hangs head in shame)
No dear.
IRONYUPPIE
You realize what this means?
LANDSHARK
I have to wear the gimp mask all day tomorrow?
IRONYUPPIE
AND the assless chaps!
LANDSHARK smiles.
FLOCC
(turning to face DIAMOND)
Any forks on you?
DIAMOND
(depressed voice)
No.
(hangs head in shame)
FLOCC
Where’s that gun we had?
GREY WOLF
Ok people—we’re here!
EXT. – RUINS – DAY
We see the shuttle come to a landing outside a seemingly abandoned set of ruined buildings.
After a few minutes, we see the AH.commers come out, all carrying BFGs.
DIAMOND
Where is everyone?
GREY WOLF
(looking at scanner)
Doesn’t appear to be anyone here except….
(makes some adjustments to scanner)
One life sign! In that building over there!
The AH.commers all walk towards the building. There’s a locked door barring their passage.
IRONYUPPIE uses her electric yo-yo to smash through the door. They walk in.
INT. –DARK BUILDING – DAY
We see the building appears to be some kind of storage building—there are piles of cobwebbed and smashed boxes and crates everywhere. FLOCC turns to look at the entrance they just came through.
FLOCC
Whoa—guys—the door.
They look at the door. There are piles of debris scattered all around the door—almost as if someone tried to create a make-shift barricade.
The AH.commers exchange a glance with one another and continue to walk into the building, many of them with nervous and worried looks on their faces.
GREY WOLF
(looking at scanner)
There! Over there in the corner!
The AH.commers rush towards the corner to find…
…MATT.
Unconscious, bruised and bloody.
EXT- OUTSIDE BUILDING- DAY
We see MATT—now conscious and sporting many bandages—drinking a cup of water.
MATT
It was horrible, man! Me and WEAPON M were tracking these things
when we walked right into an ambush! They were all around us! They
grabbed WEAPON M and carried him off before I had a chance to go
after them! Then that’s when they turned on me! Practically the whole
fucking tribe was chasing me! They were all around me, snarling and
clawing and biting! I ran into that building there and threw anything
that wasn’t nailed down at the door! Even then—they kept trying to get
at me for a few hours before eventually giving up. That was…
(beat)
Last night, I think.
(grim faced)
We have to save him!
DIAMOND
What things?
MATT
Care Bears! Evil, cannibalistic fucking Care Bears!
The AH.commers look at one another.
FLOCCULENCIO hands MATT his flask, from which he eagerly gulps from.
LANDSHARK
(talking to IRONYUPPIE)
Maybe that helmet he wears finally crushed his brain?
MATT
I’m serious!
Walking, snarling, killer fucking Care Bears.
(shakes head )
They were so fuzzy.. and so dangerous.
MATT gets up and grabs his gun.
MATT
(grim-faced)
If you’re not joining me, then I’ll do it myself.
MATT walks off. The AH.commers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and follow him.
SOMETIME LATER
EXT – FOREST – DAY
FLOCC
Whoa, whoa, whoa—say this again.
MATT
These Care Bears were apparently a genetically engineered weapon
made long ago by the civilization that was here before. As near as me
and WEAPON M could figure, there was a big war years ago that nearly
killed off everyone and knocked the survivors back into the Medieval
age. But lots of their weapons still survived in some of the ruins. The
Care Bears have been preying on the locals in the area for a few years
now so we hired ourselves out as pest killers, so to speak. We thought
it was going to be a simple job. I mean—really—killer Care Bears!
Who would have figured?
DIAMOND
So what do you think the Care Bears want with WEAPON M?
MATT
(shrugging)
Who knows? But it can’t be good….
The AH.commers come to a large ominous looking cave. We see numerous old animal and human bones and skulls scattered about the entrance. Strange growling sounds can be heard coming from within.
MATT turns to face the AH.commers.
MATT
(grim faced)
(holding his gun)
Remember: wild, uncontrolled bursts.
He nods, turns around and goes in. The AH.commers follow.
INT.- CAREBEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT
We see the AH.commers slowly walking through a dark, dank corridor made of concrete blocks. There are faint artificial lights flickering on the ceiling above them.
DIAMOND
Hey—this place looks man-made.
MATT
Told you—lots of weird ruins all over the place here.
MATT is looking at his motion scanner.
MATT
Nothing on scanners…
DIAMOND
Maybe they don’t show up on scanners…
LANDSHARK
It’s hot as hell in here.
FLOCC
(slapping Landshark on the back)
Yeah, man—but it’s a dry heat!
The lights flicker—then suddenly get turned off.
MATT
They cut the power!
DIAMOND
What do you mean THEY cut the power?
How could they cut the power, man?
They’re animals!
We hear screeching and growling from behind the AH.commers.
DIAMOND
They’re coming outta the walls.
They’re coming outta the goddamn walls!
We’re fucked!
The AH.commers start blasting wildly behind them. We hear many screams but the growling and screeching are getting louder—and closer.
MATT
There’s too many of them! We’re surrounded!
GREY WOLF
(pointing down another corridor)
This way!
The AH.commers rush down the corridor, MATT and IRONYUPPIE providing covering fire. After a few seconds IRONYUPPIE turns and runs. MATT follows a second or two later, shooting behind him. He runs toward the entrance of the room the AH.commers ran to.
Behind him—we see a great many moving shadows come closer….
INT.- DIFFERENT PART OF CAREBEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT
MATT rushes into the room. DIAMOND and FLOCC slowly move an old and rusted steel door across the entrance, blocking it. GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK start dumping various rocks and debris onto the door to barricade it.
We hear VERY loud growling from right outside the door.
Suddenly a dent appears in the door!
First one, then two—then over a dozen more in quick succession. We hear more and more growling.
Then—after a few seconds—the growling fades away to nothing.
MATT is looking at his scanner.
MATT
Oh crap– We’ve got multiple signals…readings off the chart!
CLOSE-UP SCANNER: A mass of dots moving rapidly towards them.
MATT
They’re going to try another attempt at the door! Everyone get ready!
The AH.commers all pull out their guns, back away from the entrance and aim them at the door.
MATT
25 meters!
CLOSE-UP SCANNER: A HUGE mass of dots moving rapidly towards them.
MATT
20 meters!
We see the AH.commers dripping in sweat
MATT
15 meters!
We see several of the AH.commers exchange one or two confused glances.
GREY WOLF
That can’t be right…
LANDSHARK
That’s inside the room…
MATT
That’s what the scanner is showing! 12 meters!
CLOSE-UP SCANNER: The dots have basically merged together into one giant mass—and it’s moving rapidly towards them.
The AH.commers are now all looking around in confusion—then, as one, they all look up at the ceiling.
MATT
(looking up)
Oh… shit…
(beat)
Somebody boost me up!
IRONYUPPIE grabs MATT and lifts him up to the ceiling. He lifts up one of the ceiling panels.
MATT POV—he’s looking all around the ceiling crawlspace and faces the camera—and gasps.
Coming right us are dozens and dozens of…
CARE BEARS!
MATT drops to the ground. Seconds later—Care Bears starts jumping through the ceiling into the room! Their evil hissing and snarling fill the room.
The AH.commers are blasting wildly around. Dozens of Care Bears are getting killed—but more keep showing up!
GREY WOLF falls to the ground—and does a double take.
On the ground—barely visible—the outline of a trap door.
GREY WOLF
(ripping open the trap door)
In here!
FLOCC, DIAMOND, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE leap in. MATT is still firing away at the Care Bears.
MATT
Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby!
(blasts a few Care Bears)
Come on! Let’s go, yeah, come on!
(mows down a few more Care Bears)
Come on! Come and get it you bastards!
(blasts a Care Bear coming at him from the right)
Come on, you too!
(blasts a Care Bear coming at him from the left)
Oh, you want some of this? Fuck you!
LANDSHARK sticks his head out of the trap door.
LANDSHARK
GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!!
MATT turns and jumps into the trap door, shutting it behind him.
LANDSHARK
(o.v.)
BLOODY COLONIAL!!
INT. – TUNNELS –NIGHT
We see the AH.commers rushing through some small dark tunnels. We hear more growling coming from behind them.
They come to a ladder and start frantically climbing up. MATT is the last to come to the ladder and looks through his pockets for a few seconds, before pulling out a grenade. He climbs up the ladder, holding the grenade in one hand.
INT. -ANOTHER ROOM OF CARE BEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT
MATT comes out of the trapdoor, pulls the pin out of the grenade and drops it into the hole, slamming the trapdoor shut. We hear a distant boom.
MATT
Last grenade, guys.
IRONYUPPIE
Where the hell are we?
They look around.
We hear muffled groans coming from nearby.
We see WEAPON M tied down on an altar like structure. He’s struggling at his restraints, trying to break free. Standing above him, holding a knife, is a red-robed Care Bear. Surrounding the High Priest Care Bear are other Care Bears, wearing brown robes.
HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
Intruders! Attack my minions!
The acolyte Care Bears rush at the AH.commers.
There is a very short but intense firefight. Bullets are ricocheting all over the room. The HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR ducks down. Several bullets hit the altar. After a few seconds, all of the acolyte Care Bears are dead.
The AH.commers look at the High Priest Care Bear.
HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
(still holding the knife over WEAPON M’s body)
Don’t make another move! The sacrifice will go as planned!
None of you will be able to shoot me fast enough to stop me
from killing your companion! Drop your weapons! Drop them now!
The AH.commers look around in confusion and—reluctantly—drop their guns.
HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
(laughing maniacally)
Yes—the time of the Care Bear Ascension
is at hand! In just a few moments—
when the stars are in the right alignment—
I shall sacrifice your friend to the
Dark Gods and I shall be granted
UNLIMITED POWER! All of the humans
on this forsaken planet will bow
before their new Lord and Master!
HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR starts laughing insanely—but his laugh is suddenly cut short by a fist that rises up and smashes him in the face. HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR stops laughing, gets a cross-eyed look on his face—and falls backwards.
CAMERA PANS DOWN: We see–
Weapon M, rubbing his fist.
WEAPON M
Damn Care Bears.
(looks at DIAMOND)
Hey dude—great thinking there
shooting the ropes off my arms.
DIAMOND
Uh…
(beat)
Yeah! I meant to do that! Yes I did!
IRONYUPPIE
Shouldn’t we be getting out of here?
WEAPON M
(getting up off of altar)
Damn straight! Follow me—
there’s a secret exit out of here
that they brought me through.
MATT
Hold on a moment.
MATT heads to where the HIGH PREIST CARE BEAR fell. The view is partially blocked by the altar, but MATT reaches down and suddenly his fists begin smashing down.
MATT
Mother Fucking Care Bears!
(continues punching)
Mother!
Fucking!
Care!
Bears!
The AH.commers watch for a moment, then FLOCC and DIAMOND race to MATT’s side, dragging him away. Still cursing and snarling, MATT gives one last kick.
MATT
Fucking Care Bears…
(brushes tuffs of Care Bear fur from his hands)
‘Kay, let’s go now.
The AH.commers give one another a look, shake their heads, and all leave.
INT. –SHUTTLE MYNX III – DAY
We see the whole gang sitting in the shuttle.
WEAPON M
So—some asshole has kidnapped the Doc?
GREY WOLF
Yes.
WEAPON M
And you know what timeline they’re in?
GREY WOLF
(tapping PDA)
Yup!
WEAPON M
And the whole gang is back together?
GREY WOLF
(smiling)
Yes—the whole team!
WEAPON M
So what the fuck are we waiting for? Let’s kick some ass!
The crew cheers.
EXT- SHUTTLE MYNX II- DAY
GREY WOLF (o.v.)
Is it Ass or Arse?
LANDSHARK (o.v.)
Arse.
MATT (o.v.)
No way—it’s ass.
LANDSHARK (o.v.)
Arse!
MATT (o.v.)
ASS!
LANDSHARK (o.v.)
ARSE!!
We hear sounds of punches. The shuttle begins to fly a little erratically.
END ACT II
TAG
INT- DARK ROOM- NIGHT
We see a bright blaze of light—like a door being opened. It illuminates a figure huddled in the corner.
It’s DOCTOR WHAT.
He looks bruised and battered and is blinking confusedly at the bright light.
A shadow comes into the room.
TIGHT ON: DOCTOR WHAT
We see DOCTOR WHAT squint his eyes—and then he gasps in shock and recognition.
DOCTOR WHAT
You!!
FEMALE VOICE
Yes, DOCTOR WHAT!
(beat)
I have to admit that you have been a most ANNOYING pest!
But I’m glad that we’ve had this opportunity to finally meet.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wha…what are you going to do with me?
FEMALE VOICE
Why—kill you, my good Doctor.
Kill you slowly and painfully.
Enjoy your time Doc—because
in precisely 24 hours you’ll be dead!
We see the shadow leave the room. DOCTOR WHAT is looking in fear and terror at the figure as it leaves.
The door closes—plunging the room back into darkness.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS