TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

TWO MONTHS AGO

A vortex opens up and out pops a ship.

Pan in toward the ship and we see that it is the AH.com ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting at his piloting suite, looking at a monitor filled with scrolling numbers and complicated looking images.

Close up of LANDSHARK glaring.

LANDSHARK
(harshly)
Oi! You in the front.
Quit looking at those schematics
of whatever it is you’re looking at.
One’d thing you were looking at porn.

GBW looks startled and quickly begins closing down the windows on his monitor.

MICHAEL
GBW? Looking at porn?
Well, maybe if it was guy porn.
(laughs hysterically at his own joke)

GBW
I was just-

KIT
(perking up)
Guy porn? Where?

MICHAEL
Umm… Othniel’s got a stash in his room.

KIT jumps up and races out the door.

LANDSHARK
Is no one aware that we
have just arrived to a
new universe?

IRONYUPPIE
Shush now Sharky.
You’re getting that throbbing
vein in your forehead again.
You know how unattractive that is.

LANDSHARK
I would not be getting this
throbbing vein in my forehead if
people were not so bloody stupid
and did exactly what I said.

KIT pokes his head back into the Control Room.

KIT
Someone say throbbing?

LANDSHARK
I get no respect on this ship, as captain
I should be worshipped as a god at least!

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet now, Sharky. Or it’s the ball gag for you again.

LANDSHARK
Yes ma’am!

Pull out from the close in shot of LANDSHARK and we see LANDSHARK on his hands and knees, dressed in a frilly pink skirt and with IRON YUPPIE sitting upon his back. She slowly twirls a crop in her hand as she watches the viewscreen.

IRONYUPPIE
Alright, boys and girls.
This is our first mission without the Doc on board.
So let’s show this world what it is to be AH.commers!

MICHAEL
(lackadaisically)
Yay.

INT. – DARK STONE HALL – NIGHT

TWO WEEKS AGO

Pan through a long hall, it’s lined with barred cells.

VOICE
(badly off key)
I’m Hen-ery the Eighth I am
Hen-ery the Eighth I am
I am married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before

SECOND VOICE
PLEEEEAAASEEE SHUUUUUT UUUPPP!!!

VOICE
And ev’ry one was an Hen-ery
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam
No sir!

Pan into:

INT. – DARK CELL – NIGHT

We see a large wall poster of Rachel Welch in a furry bikini, we see the poster flutter and move. A figure drops out from behind it, carrying a small sack filled with dirt. He looks up.

It’s GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
I’m her eighth old man
I’m Hen-ery
Hen-ery the eighth I am!

SECOND VOICE
PLEEEEAAASEEE SHUUUUUT UUUPPP!!!
(sobbing)

GREY WOLF
(looking around)
Who said that?
(shrugs)

GREY WOLF starts humming to himself, picking up a large plastic bag and shoving things into it. He gathers up a length of rope, looks around.

GREY WOLF
(smiling)
Now, for the Houdini Act.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A SHIP CALLED AH.COM”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

RIGHT…NOW

A vortex opens and out plops the AH.com ship.

Pull in on it and we see it pocked, burned, scorched, battered, and even rusted in many places. A trail of green gas is left in its wake.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

GBW sits hunkered in his piloting suite. His eyes nervously scanning the monitors before him, which flicker and dim. Pull out a bit and we see GBW is looking very rough around the edges, his hair is mussed, what appears to be several weeks of growth covers his face, and his eyes are red rimmed and exhausted.

IRONYUPPIE
We lose ‘em?

Pan across the Control Room and we see everyone disheveled and exhausted.

MICHAEL
I.. I think so. Oh, Holy Sheep, please it be so…

KIT
We can’t take this much longer, can we?

LANDSHARK
I don’t know about you, but I find it a bit refreshing.

Pull in on LANDSHARK and we see him alert and smiling.

MICHAEL
You’re just a bloody glutton for abuse.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
I trained him well.

A buzzing sound fills the Control Room, a voice can barely be discerned over it.

VOICE
…ey..oin…n.. ere..

IRONYUPPIE
What was that?

LANDSHARK
Damned it I know.

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY bangs the intercom button but all he hears is static.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn, intercom.
Someone needs to fix it.

Pull out from DAVE HOWERY and we see him standing in the middle of the Engineering Bay. Smoke, sparks, and hissing valves give the place a eerie hellish glow.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Psycho!
Forget cleaning up the soda spill, we’ve
got a plasma leak that needs fixing!
Hey, G.Bone!
Stop doodling and get your ass over to the
shield generators. We need them back up!
(looks about hands on hip and scratching thick beard)
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my quarters having
all kinds of sex with Keira Knightly.
(wanders off)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why does he still say her full name?
I think we’ve all got it by now.
I mean, I’ve been calling her Kerry for the past month.

G.BONE
Oh, you mean when the two of you were trapped in the Mess Hall
and those multiverse pirates boarded us and tried selling us into slavery,
and only because of the bravery of Bobo and DMA did we manage to
get free and run the hell out of there.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah

G.BONE
(thoughtful pause)
I think he’s still rubbing in the fact that he’s banging
away at the most attractive woman on the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t let Yuppie hear you say that, else
she’ll take ‘em off like she did Sharkboy.

G.BONE
I may be slow, lazy, and occasionally
spaced out, but I’m not that stupid.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait…what did Dave just tell us what to do?

G.BONE
Dunno, I stopped listening when he started to talk.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, me too.
Wanna go see if there’s any booze in the mess hall?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY is walking down the corridor.

There’s a clanking noise and from around the corner come DMA and OTHNIEL, both heavily armed and wearing body armor.

DMA
We’re not getting boarded?

DAVE HOWERY
No, we escaped.

DMA
Bugger. I was hoping to shoot someone today.

OTHNIEL
Can I take off this armor?
It’s kinda hot inside it.

DMA
You’re a soldier now, boyo.
Buck up and be a man.

OTHNIEL
But-
(passes out)

DMA
Bloody Yanks.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, I’m standing right here.

DMA
So?

DAVE HOWERY
Think we should take him to the med bay?

DMA
Only girly men go to the med bay!
Let him sweat it out.

DAVE HOWERY
You’re taking this whole being in charge
of security thing a bit far aren’t you?

DMA levels his rifle at DAVE HOWERY.

DMA
I don’t like the tone of your voice. It’s too high pitched.
Make it deeper, more baritone. Like a real man, not
some soft handed limp wrist grease monkey.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, now you’re getting a little insulting.

DMA
I’ll show you insulting, half a man!

Cut to:

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE and TORQUMADA are standing around something, their backs turned to the camera, we can’t see what they’re looking at.

THANDE
I think it’s cute.

TORQUMADA
Cute? Surely the stench of ammonia has rotted your brain.

THANDE
You don’t find it cute?

TORQUMADA
I find it slightly grotesque.
Like watching a flat chested woman walk down the
street in a bikini top. Such things are unnatural, I say!

THANDE
I would think there are more, ahem, flat chested
women than there are overly endowed women.

TORQUMADA
Not in my world, chemie boy.

THANDE
I had hoped you’d stop calling me that.
I stopped calling you sawbones, meat handler,
and crazy insane guy with a scalpel.

TORQUMADA
Just shows that you have a
deficiency in you own personality.
(beat)
With a little surgery, I can fix that…

THANDE
(shakes head)
So what are we going to do about this?

TORQUMADA
I say we flush one down the toilet and
stick the other under a heat lamp.

THANDE
A bit harsh, don’t you think?

TORQUMADA
Harsh?
Oh, we weren’t going for a cruel
and unusual way of killing them?

THANDE
No, there was no talk of killing them. We were here
to resolve the issue of how to best make Luakel as
comfortable as he can be, in his condition.

Pan to what they are standing in front of.

There’s a large glass tube sitting upon a metal table, inside of it floats a brain attached to some wires. On the glass tube there is a piece of masking tape with something scrawled on it. LUAKEL.

Sitting beside it, with what can only be called an appendage upon the glass, is BOBO.

TORQUMADA
I do not like the direction where this little friendship of theirs is going.

THANDE
Why?

TORQUMADA
Because the other day I saw Bobo
trying to have it’s way with Luakel.

THANDE
Is that possible?
Umm.. What sex is Bobo anyway?

TORQUMADA
I don’t know, to tell you the truth.
I just cobbled him together from various genes and
bits of DNA I found on several away missions.

THANDE
But you don’t go on any away missions.

TORQUMADA
There was a time…
(sighs)
Anyway, I’d rather not have Bobo’s feelings hurt
when Luakel eventually spurns his advances.

THANDE
What about Luakel’s feelings?

TORQUMADA
What about them?

THANDE
I thought as much. But you
have to realize that Luakel,
in his new non body form,
may just swing in the brainy direction.

TORQUMADA
You mean he’d welcome Bobo’s
advances with… open arms?

THANDE
Sure why not?

TORQUMADA
It is possible.
What do you say Luakel?

There’s a small flurry of bubbles and LUAKELBRAIN slowly moves from side to side.

TORQUMADA
I need to install some kind of communication device with him.

THANDE
You mean he hasn’t been able to communicate these last three months?

TORQUMADA
You hadn’t noticed?

THANDE
Well I have been concentrating on trying to stay alive these last months.

TORQUMADA
It has been a bit of a chore having to patch everyone up on a daily basis.

BOBO
Bobo. Like. Luakel.
Bobo. Like. Luakel.
A. Lot.

TORQUMADA
Well that question is solved.
Let’s go to lunch.

THANDE
(surprised)
You’re actually inviting me to lunch?
I feel so honored!

TORQUMADA
No, I was inviting Bobo.
(awkward beat)
Now this is kind of embarrassing.
(another awkward beat)

THANDE
You’re not going to invite me are you?

The Med Bay doors open up and OTHNIEL comes in, dragging an unconscious DMA and DAVE HOWERY. He’s seating profusely and is barely standing

TORQUMADA
What happened here?

OTHNIEL
I don’t know.
I woke up to find them both unconscious on the floor.

Thnady
Well, you’re a pretty lass, I’m sure they were just fighting
over who would take advantage of your unconscious state.

OTHNIEL
But… Dave has Keira and..
DMA has the holy sheep…

TORQUMADA
It’s only a matter of time, no matter how attractive the women
he has intercourse with, that a man will begin to look afar for
more greener pastures.

OTHNIEL
But Keira Knightly…

TORQUMADA
Especially with a woman as semi attractive as that
nigh breastless abomination that stalks our corridors.

THANDE
I think she’s cute.

TORQUMADA
You’d think Luakel Brian there would be cute, if I put
a wig on his bowl and painted lipstick on his glass and
stuck him atop a plastic mannequin…
(fades off and goes into a thoughtful silence)
No. no. Where would one find a decent plastic mannequin these days?
(shakes head)
(notices Othniel looking horribly exhausted)
What’s wrong with you?

OTHNIEL
I think I have a fever or something.

TORQUMADA
Then why was I not allowed to poke and prod you?

OTHNIEL
Medicine is an abomination in the eyes of God.

TORQUMADA
Now you sold you that pack of lies?

OTHNIEL
This guy I was talking to in the Hub.

TORQUMADA
Is he the fat one in the Edwardian suit selling snake oil?

OTHNIEL
Yeah…

TORQUMADA
(shakes head)
Alright, let’s check that fever.
(puts on latex gloves)
Now drop your pants and bite on this.
(tosses Othniel a mouth guard)

OTHNIEL
What?

THANDE
Can I stay and watch?

TORQUMADA
As long as you promise not to get aroused by what you are going to see.

THANDE sighs and walks out of the Med Bay.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR –DAY

THANDE is walking down the corridor, his hands stuffed into his lab coat pocket, muttering angrily to himself.

LEO CAESIUS
What’s on your mind, Thande?

THANDE
Bloody doctor.
Bloody Torq!

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, that again.
You need to learn to handle him.

THANDE
But I just so desperately want to be friends with him.

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
Why?

THANDE
(pause)
I don’t know why.

LEO CAESIUS
Is it because he reminds you of a father figure, now
that Weapon M, Grey Wolf, and Doc are gone?

THANDE
Um… I’m not sure.

LEO CAESIUS
Or is it just that you have latent homosexual feelings for him?
Because if you do, I’m sure there’s a way that can be
resolved in a non embarrassing and gratifying way.

THANDE
What?
No.
NO!
I do not want to have sex with Torq!

Pan down the corridor and see HENDRYK staring at THANDE.

HENDRYK
Um… I think I’m down the wrong corridor.

THANDE
Damn it.
You set me up, didn’t you Leo!

There is only an electronic chuckle in response.

THANDE
Just forget what you just heard, Hendryk.

HENDRYK
Like all mind traumatizing things
that go on in this ship, I already have.

THANDE
Good to hear, old chap.
Now, what are you up to?

HENDRYK
What do you mean?

THANDE
Well, you’re carrying a length of rope, a miner’s hat complete
with headlamp, and a shovel a with lovingly crafted engraving
upon the handle that reads: Mariette Rodier.

HENDRYK
You’ve got an eye for detail, don’t you?

THANDE
It makes me a good embroiderer.

HENDRYK
Captain Yuppie said that we’re going on an away mission to
see if we can get some provision and spare parts for the ship..
Since I haven’t been on one in a while, I’m just going prepared.

THANDE
Funny, how she dropped the Iron in her name
and picked up the Captain instead, huh?

HENDRYK
No what is funny is that technically Landshark is supposed to
be captain, but she gives all the orders and is referred to as captain.

THANDE
You know what? Both aren’t really funny, in a joking sense.

HENDRYK
(nods)
Reality isn’t all that funny, no?

THANDE
So can anybody go on this away mission?

HENDRYK
Captain Yuppie only wanted the ‘big guns’.

THANDE
Well, Oth has a fever and DMA is DOA.
(laughs)
No. no. He’s just currently unconscious.

HENDRYK
Then who will join the away team?

Dramatic pause and clock wipe.

EXT. – OPEN FIELD – DAY

A wide emerald green field.

There’s a loud pop and the away team appears. IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, MICHAEL, and G.BONE.

G.BONE
Yay, I got to go on an away mission.

LANDSHARK
Quiet, engineering monkey.
We may be in hostile territory.

IRONYUPPIE
Looks like we’re in the ass end of no where.

MICHAEL
Hey, look there’s a building over there.

Pan to behind the AH.commers and see that there’s a huge cluster of builders and towers shiny in modern-ish glass and steel designs.

IRONYUPPIE
Does anyone else find something odd about that building?

The crew look at the large cluster of building, a yellowish green haze surrounds it, as they watch the haze slowly drifts into a small cluster of trees, immediately the trees shrivel up and die.

G.BONE
Now, that you mention it…

MICHAEL
That central tower looks like a giant penis.

HENDRYK
I wasn’t going to say anything, but Michael is right.
It looks like a giant penis.

IRONYUPPIE
Good. Thought I was the only one who noticed.

LANDSHARK
I don’t see it, where is it?

G.BONE
I think Sharky’s forgotten how a penis looks like.

MICHAEL
Oi, Sharky. Yuppie still got your prick in a jar?

LANDSHARK
That’s CAPTAIN YUPPIE, Roo Shagger.

IRONYUPPIE
And the answer is Yes.
(grins)
Now lets see what good things this penis
shaped cluster of builds can offer.

HENDRYK
I have a bad feeling about this.

MICHAEL
Leave it to the Frenchy to puss out before we’ve
taken a step into the bloody mission.

G.BONE
Now there’s no need to bring up
nationality when it comes to cuatio-

LANDSHARK
Leave it to a bloody Yank to butt
into things that don’t involve ‘im.

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet, children or it’s back to
the world ruled by Wiccans.

The crew shudders.

HENDRYK
I’ve never seen so much pewter jewelry.

MICHAEL
And talk about fugly women.
Leave it to the bloody Wiccans to ruin
something as awesome as an all female orgy.

LANDSHARK
Aye, I still have nightmares from that.

G.BONE
(sighs)
I didn’t get to leave the ship that time.

MICHAEL
Right lucky of you, G.
Else you’d be screaming in your sleep like Sharky over there.

LANDSHARK
I told you that in confidence, you damned Aussie.

IRONYUPPIE
I think something is happening…

We se a huge door open up and several large trucks begin rolling out.

MICHAEL
Hey, I think they’re sending a welcoming party…

HENDRYK
Does anyone else see the barrels of some pretty
big gun sticking out of those trucks?

G.BONE
I think I see them..

Gun barrels are lowered on them.

MICHAEL
Oh, bloody hell…

HENDRYK
G.Bone get us out of here.

G.BONE
What?

HENDRYK
Use the teleporters to get us the hell out of here!

G.BONE
But I’m not at the teleporters.
I can’t teleport anyone with out them.

LANDSHARK
Then who the hell is on the teleporters?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sits at the Teleportation Tube Controls, flipping through a magazine.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to himself)
Hey, look at that. 50% off newsstands
prices if I order via credit card…

We see a red light begin blinking urgently. Beneath the red light in neat handwriting it is labeled: EMERGENCY TELEPORTATION REQUEST.

EXT – FIELDS – DAY

We see the crew running through the field, explosions detonating about them.

IRONYUPPIE
This is the last time I go on an away mission.
I’m the captain, damn it. I’m not supposed to get killed.

LANDSHARK
Woman, I’m the captain!
You’re just an usurer of my power.

IRONYUPPIE
I don’t get where you’re going with this.

LANDSHARK
I want my seven inch heel pumps back.

HENDRYK
(near hysterical)
Are we going to die?

MICHAEL
Most likely.

HENDRYK
Doctor What Save US!!!!

Nothing happens.

MICHAEL
Holy Sheep Save US!!!

Nothing happens.

G.BONE
Damn deities always not
listening to you when you need ‘em.

An explosion detonates before them, causing them all to come to a stand still before a small crater. Behind them the trucks with weapons come to a stop.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m becoming a strong believer in the act of surrendering.

MICHAEL
Someone help us…

G.BONE
I wish Matt and Weapon M were here.
They’d know what to do…

MICHAEL
You think I don’t know what I’m doing?
I’m DMA’s second in command, you know?

G.BONE
Where’s the cartridge clip for your BFG?

MICHAEL
Aw, bugger.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

DMA’s eyes open up.

DMA
I’ll kill that Yank.

TORQUMADA
Hey, you’re not supposed to be awake!

DMA
Damn it. Why am I naked and strapped to this cold metal table?

TORQUMADA quickly rolls up a leather cases with what appears to be metal cutting implements upon it.

TORQUMADA
Well, since you’re up. You might as well make yourself useful.
(hands DMA a cup)
Fill this.

DMA
With what?

TORQUMADA
That I leave up to you.

TORQUMADA flips a switch, releasing DMA, and then wanders out of the room.

DMA looks at the cup and then shrugs.

Cut to:

INT. – BACK OF A TRUCK – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, G.BONE, MICHAEL, and HENDRYK are sitting glumly in the back of a truck.

IRONYUPPIE
(angry)
Psychomeltdown will pay for this indignity.

LANDSHARK
It’s not so bad, Better than being stripped naked,
covered in oats and having the Holy Sheep lick it off you.

MICHAEL
I told you that in confidence!

IRONYUPPIE
I miss the good old days.

HENDRYK
I miss Doc.

MICHAEL
By the Holy Sheep, we get it already.
You’ve been moaning about that for months now.
If he were coming back, don’t you think he’d be back by now?

HENDRYK
It’s just –

MICHAEL
Give it a rest. He’s not coming back and we’re probably
gonna die because our Fearless Leader lead us astray.

G.BONE
I miss Diamond.

MICHAEL
Now, that’s just stupid.

Clock wipe:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DA

DMA enters the Control Room, buckling his pants.

DMA
Al-bloody-right, where the hell is everyone?

GBW looks up from his station.

KIT
I think they all went down to the planet.

DMA
Down to the planet?

GBW
Yeah.
They went down to the planet.
To.. you know… explore and get resources…

DMA
They didn’t invite me to come?

KIT
They didn’t invite us to come, also.

DMA
I’m talking about me here, Kit. Don’t make
this about you and the one sitting over there.

GBW
I have a name.

DMA
Like I care.

GBW
Bastard…

DMA
This is unacceptable.
I am the new head of security and Arse Kickings,
why was I not included on this mission.

GBW
They took Michael.

There’s a booming thud, We see DMA punch the bulkhead.

DMA
OUTRAGE!

KIT
They said he was a better shot than you.

GBW
And a better Ausie.

BOOOM!!!

DMA kicks a computer console.

DMA
I shall show them better shots and better Aussie-ness.
(storms out)

GBW
Heh, that was fun.

KIT
Yet so very true.

GBW nods.

KIT
So you wanna get naked and prance about
in IronYuppie’s ready room?

GBW
You mean, Landshark’s ready room right?

KIT
Sure, whatever turns you on.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DMA storms into the Teleportation Tube Room.

DMA
Now where in hell did they go?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(looking up from magazine)
Who?

DMA
The captain and the other wankers.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who?

DMA
(glaring)
Don’t mess with me boy, or by the Holy Sheep, I’ll show
you why Aussies are feared across the multiverse!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought it was because they’ll take your money
the moment you let your guard down.

DMA
Among other things.
(cracks knuckles)
Now. Teleport me to the planet.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why?

DMA
Because I want to go down there.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why?

DMA
They do not leave me out of an away mission.
Not when the possibility that they’ll be shooting,
fighting, drinking, and wenching to be had.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think that latter is unlikely to happen.

DMA
They do not leave me out of an away team.
What am I? Thande? Dave? YOU?
(stands on the pad)
Teleport away, asshat.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Umm.. How do you operate this thing again?

DMA
What?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I forgot how to use this.

DMA
Didn’t you just teleport them down?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
G.Bone set it on auto teleport. I just came in
here to read my magazine in peace.

LEO CAESIUS
I can handle this.
Are you sure you want to teleport down, without reinforcements.
Odds are that they’ll need rescuing right about now.

DMA is thoughtful.

DMA
(into comm)
Thande, Kit, Dave, Oth, and Psycho.
Get your arses down here.
We’re gonna save the captain.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m already here.

GBW (on comm)
What about me?

DMA
What about you?

GBW (on comm)
Wanker.

DMA
So where did they go, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
I don’t know.

DMA
What do you mean you don’t know?

LEO CAESIUS
Someone’s erased the coordinates from my system.

DMA glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I did not…
(beat)
Well, I did accidentally push some buttons when
I used the teleportation console as a footrest.

DMA
(sighing)
well. Where is the likely place they’d be?

LEO CAESIUS
They did say they were looking for a place to pick up supplies
and parts at. My guess would be an area with a high level of
industrialization and technology.

DMA
Any such places?

LEO CAESIUS
Two actually.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyone getting a bad feeling about this?

DMA
You do not talk in my presence, grease monkey.

LEO CAESIUS
This world seems to be on the verge of ecological collapse,
I’m detecting large swaths of deforestation, high levels of
toxicity in the atmosphere, and an ecology
that’s barely holding on for dear life.

DMA
I did not ask you for a lesson on this planet.
Just the likely bloody place that the Cap
and the others would have gone.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m getting to that.

DMA
Just hurry it up.

LEO CAESIUS
It seems the ecological damage is intentional, two
major corporations are currently in the process of
expelling huge amounts of toxins into the atmosphere.

KIT, OTHNIEL, DAVE HOUWERY, and THANDE enter the Teleportation Room.

KIT
Why would anyone want to destroy the ecology of the world.

DMA
Maybe it was giving them sass.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Right, cuz you need to destroy everything that gives you sass.

DMA
(stares at Psychomeltdown)
Indeed I do. Boyo.
Indeed I do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um… Can I request to get out fo going down to the planet with you guys?

THANDE
Ha! See he’s afraid of a little away mission.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You don’t realize the horrors that will await us.

DAVE HOWERY
Now, you’re just being pessimistic.
That’s Michael’s job.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

THANDE
Like we even listen to anything you say anyway.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why is everyone so mean today?

DMA
You just bring the best out in us, Psycho.
Now shut your bloody mouth and prepare
to teleport us down to the surface.

KIT
Where are we going anyway?

DMA
That’s to be determined

DAVE HOWERY
By whom?

DMA
(digs in his pocket)
By this coin.
(flips a coin)
Heads.

KIT
And that means what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think he wants head, Kit.
(giggles)

KIT
Couldn’t think of anything original, could you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s been a long day…
A guy can only come up with so many cool retorts.

THANDE
How about none?
I have yet to find anything you say funny at all.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s because you’re a Brit.

LEO CAESIUS
To go back on topic…
It’s a random guess as to which of the two locations
that they teleported themselves down to.
What are you orders?

DMA
Huh? You’re actually asking me for orders?
(grins)
Teleport down here!
(stabs at an image)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That’s G.Bone’s poster of Daryl Hanna.

DMA
Oh, was wandering why this world had such nice breasts.

KIT
A bit old, isn’t she?

DAVE HOWERY
I’d do her.
But I’m already doing Keira Knightly
(grins in a self satisfied manner)

THANDE
(groaning)
Okay, we get it.
You’re having sex with Keria Knightly.
We got it like five months ago!

DAVE HOWERY
Well…
Wanker.

LEO CAESIUS
Alright, I’m teleporting you all out of here.
Prepare to be teleported.

There’s a pop and the crew vanishes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, what about me?

LEO CAESIUS
You weren’t to go, anyway.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Awwww….
Well, at least I get to finish my porn mag…

EXT. – COURTYARD – DAY

The crew pops into existence.

KIT
Where are we?

DMA
Looks like we made it.
Now, let’s go rescue the crew!

Suddenly there’s a noise, the sound of scores of boots stamping upon the ground.

The courtyard is suddenly filled with hundreds of soldiers, all pointing weapons at the crew.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – EVILMITTENS INC. – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, G.BONE, MICHAEL, HENDRYK, and LANDSHARK are shoved into a massive room, standing before them is a person. EVILMITTENS.

EVILMITTENS
Welcome to my lair.
Do you like it?

MICHAEL
Looks like some wanker with a fetish for sterility made this place.

G.BONE
I like the phallus looking buildings.

EVILMITTENS
I see my enemy, reformer, has sent assassins to kill me.

IRONYUPPIE
Who?
What?
You didn’t tie these bonds right.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, its not restricting blood flow like it should.

EVILMITTENS
Do not lie to me!
Reformer has been plotting my destruction for years.
He figures he can control the world, if he has sole control
of the only food source in the world.

HENDRYK
Food? I’m hungry.

IRONYUPPIE
What the hell is going on here?
And why are you dressed like some
gaysexual at a Christmas party?

EVILMITTENS
This is my world domination uniform.
(struts)

G.BONE
whos’ this reformer you were talking about?
And why does he want to kill you?

EVILMITTENS
Reformer is my competition.
He wants to rule the world, via controlling the last food soruce.

G.BONE
And that is?

EVILMITTENS
Meat Bags!

HENDRYK
What flavor do they come in?

EVILMITTENS
Meaty.

HENDRYK
Mmmmm….mmmmm

IRONYUPPIE
So… meat bags? Controlling the world?

LANDSHARK
Aye, it’s pretty pathetic way to rule the world.

EVILMITTENS
Quiet you!
Reformer seeks me dead, so that I can stop my production
of meat sacks, which are the second sole source of food.

G.BONE
Umm.. what happen to the rest of the animals?

EVILMITTENS
We killed them.
To rule the world via controlling the sole food source.

LANDSHARK
You killed everything?

EVILMITTENS
Basically.

IRONYUPPIE
Well you obviously know what must be done now.

LANDSHARK
Get our arses kicked trying to do a little good in the multiverse?

IRONYUPPIE
Hell, yes.

EVILMITTENS
Ha. Fools.
You get tortured now.

G.BONE
I should have stayed on the ship…

Cut to:

INT. – REFORMER HQ – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

Open up on DMA screaming.

A BIG MAN stops pinching his nipples.

Another person occupies a gilded chair, watching.

REFORMER
Now, now, what’s all this screaming about?
We haven’t even begun yet.

DMA
He’s got bloody cold fingers.

REFORMER
Witty for a man who’s about to die a long and painful death.

DMA
I like to think so.
I tryi working on it, but people don’t think I’m funny.
It’s difficult to wake up everyday and try to find a witty comment
to make and its even more difficult when –

REFORMER
Shut up!
Evilmittens thinks he can send his assassins to kill me, well he is wrong.
I shall be the sole controller of this world and the huddled masses will
choke down my meat bags!
(laughs insanely)

DMA
This is one fucked up world.

REFORMER
Let the torture begin!

The BIG MAN pull out a pair of pliers.

DMA
Bugger…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN flips through a magazine.

LEO CAESIUS
I think I’ve found out where Ironyuppie and the other went.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hmm? That’s cool.

LEO CAESIUS
They’re no where near DMA’s group.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
A pity.

LEO CAESIUS
I think they might be in trouble.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
When aren’t they?

LEO CAESIUS
Teleport them up.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m busy.

LEO CAESIUS
NOW!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yikes. Talk about moody.
(hits button)

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, MICHAEL, and G.BONE pop into existence on the teleportation pad.

IRONYUPPIE
What took you so long?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I didn’t know there was a rush.

IRONYUPPIE
Get DMA and the big guns we got a wannabe
bad guy that needs a good srse stomping.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
DMA went down to the planet to find you.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, get him back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighs)
everyone is so bossy today.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN hits a button.

DMA, DAVE HOWERY, KIT, THANDE, and OTHNIEL appear upon the pad.

THANDE lies spread eagle, naked, and oiled on the pad.

THANDE
Oh, thank heavens.
Anymore of that and I’d be joining GBW in
his online sessions on how to be a hetero.

GBW (on comm)
I told you that in confidence, Thande!

IRONYUPPIE
What happened to you?

DMA
Don’t wanna talk about it.

LEO CAESIUS
Well. We are all back and accounted for.

DMA
Go call Torq, I think they singed
something that shouldn’t have been singed…

MICHAEL
Man, what a fucked up world.

INT. – REFORMER HQ – DAY

A giant wall screen activates, showing EVILMITTENS.

EVILMITTENS
You send assassins to kill me!

REFORMER
YOU send assassins to kill me!

EVILMITTENS
No I didn’t’!

REFORMER
Same here.

There’s a long pause.

EVILMITTENS
Then, who are those guys?

REFORMER
I don’t know.
They have a ship above this planet.

EVILMITTENS
Invaders!
Let us join forces and kill them!

REFORMER
Yay!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
Dave says it’ll be an hour before the shift engines work.

IRONYUPPIE
Sooner we get out of this universe the better.

GBW
We’ve got launches from the planet.
It looks like ships.

IRONYUPPIE
They’r coming after us?

The screen suddenly activates, showing EVILMITTENS and REFORMER.

BOTH
Although we are enemies.
We shall untie to destroy this intruder on our world.
Prepare to die!

KIT
Bugger…

INT – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

IRONYUPPIE
They’ve just docked on our outer hull and from what we can tell they’re gonna but through the hull in about twenty minutes.

DMA
We can’t fight them all off. There’s thousands of them.

IRONYUPPIE
Then we go to Plan A.

LANDSHARK
We already used te tub of hot canola oil.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn!
Alright Plan D.
(everyone gasps in shock)
You know what to do.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, THANDE, MICHAEL, BOBO, and OTHNIEL are walking down the corridor.

DMA
Next time no bathroom breaks.

OTHNIEL
I’m sorry. I just had to go…

There’s a clatter up ahead.

The group stops.

Suddenly armed soldiers turn a corner.

DMA
They’ve breached the hull!
Run!

DMA and MICHAEL lay down covering fire as the group flees.

THANDE
To the Mess Hall, it’s the second most
defendable place besides the control room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Then why don’t’ we go to the control room.

THANDE
I always liked the idea of a last stand in a mess hall.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Does sound nice…

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

There is a banging on the hatch, DMA huddles behind the overturned table.

DMA
Right boys, hold your fire until you can see the whites of their eyes
and they can see the piss piddling on the deck beneath you. .
Kit! Put that gun down, you’ll shoot someone.

KIT
I thought that was the point?

DMA
I meant, you’ll shoot one of us.

KIT
I don’t see. How-

BANG!

The gun goes off.

THANDE begins screaming.

THANDE
I’ve been shot!
(begins screaming)
Oh, god! The pain! The pain!!!!

KIT
I see your point…
(sets aside gun)
What do you want me to do then?

DMA
Come sit by me. You can whisper encouraging words
in my ear as I kill off all the bad guys.

KIT
Alright.

MICHAEL .
(rocking back and forth in fear)
How will we ever survive this??
Holy Sheep save us!!!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM HOLY SHEEP TEMPLE – DAY

The Holy Sheep burrows itself beneath a stack of hay, glancing nervously around.

Cut back to:

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

DMA
Shush, you’re an Aussie, boy!
We don’t cry!
There’s no crying in battling for your lives.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! Where’s captain yuppie and the rescue team?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ESCAPE PODS – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, and TORQUMADA are standing around.

IRONYUPPIE looks at her watch.

IRONYUPPIE
Figured they’d all be here about now.
I mean we said three o’clock.

LANDSHARK
Bloody fools, can’t keep to a schedule.
We said we’d flee the ship once we were boarded.
That was the bloody plan!

HENDRYK
My bags are getting heavy.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I hope Dave is alright.

HENDRYK
Come here, Keira.
I’ll comfort you…

TORQUMADA
(scratching head)
Did I forget anything?

CUT TO:

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

LUAKEL BRAIN is sitting upon a table.

It shivers a bit, sending up a few bubbles. But otherwise remains still.

Cut to:

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
She’ll come for us. She’ll come for us with guns a blazing.

The banging outside the door grows louder, But now there’s screaming, shouting, and sounds of terror. The AH.commers look at THANDE.

THANDE
I didn’t release anything from my Experimental Cages.

DMA
Torq?

OTHNIEL
He fed ‘em all to Bobo.

BOBO
Bobo. Like. Monster. Meat.
M. M. M. M. M. M. M.

DMA
Well, I think that comment just scarred me for life.

KIT
Ditto.

The door explodes outward, in a shower of debris.

Everyone flinches, huddling behind their makeshift defenses.

There’s a moment of silence, then the sound of footsteps crunching across the Mess Hall.

DMA peeks over his table, his eyes suddenly widen.

DMA
My god….

KIT
Who?
(peeks over)
Oh… My….

DAVE HOWERY
Huh?
(peeks over)
Wow…

Standing before the makeshift defenses of the Ah.commers is SUPER55. There is almost a halo of awesomeness surrounding him, he smiles and KEIRA KNIGHTLY and KIT faint.

SUPER55
(Manly Voice)
I hear you needed help.

DMA
(stammering)

SUPER55
I was in the neighborhood and decided to see what was up.
Luckily I came, eh?
(flexes)
(Michael faints)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m having very wrong thoughts right now…

DAVE HOWERY
I’m right there with you…

SUPER55
You got anything to drink?
Kicking the arses of two ship full of
soldiers makes for thirsty work.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I got it!
(runs to fetch drink)

DAVE HOWERY
Keira?
(beat)
Keira??

FADE OUT.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

GBW is walking down the corridor, looking over several sheets of paper in his hands.

LEO CAESIUS
I am a lost as to even how to begin explaining the presence of
this SUPER55 character. My sensors were, as usual, on the fritz
lately and once the Reformist and Evilmittenist boarded out ship,
they got even more so. But form what little data I gathered it seems
that a localized vortex was created, large enough for a single person.

GBW
You mean he can create his own shifting vortex?
What kind of person is this SUPER55?

LEO CAESIUS
All evidence seems to point in that general direction. I’ve doubled
checked my databanks and have come across several references to a
SUPER55, but most of them seem to have more religious or
awe inspiring overtones, rather than reality.

GBW
(nodding)
I’m sure they’ll be no easy answers forthcoming on this topic.
(crumples another sheet of paper)
What is the situation of the planet?

LEO CAESIUS
Once SUPER55 left our ship, he dismantled both
Reformer’s and Evilmitten’s base of operations. Then it seems,
as difficult as it is to believe, that he has managed to heal the
planet. I have detected a reversal of all the ecological damage
that had been detected before.

GBW
(shaking head)
Wow.

LEO CAESIUS
It is an impressive accomplishment.

GBW walks into the Mess Hall.

INT. – MESS HALL – CONTINUING

GBW stops and looks around.

DAVE HOWERY and LANDSHARK are sitting at a table laughing and drinking.

GBW
(walking up to the two)
What’s going on here?

DAVE HOWERY
What’s it look like?

LANDSHARK
A bloody good time is what it is.

GBW
I though you did not imbibe alcohol, Landshark?

LANDSHARK
I’ll take a nip or two in a celebratory fashion.
The day Michael dies, I’ll take a nip or three.

MICHAEL
Now that’s just mean!
Take it back.

LANDSHARK
Bugger off!

MICHAEL scurries out of the Mess Hall.

GBW
(shakes head)
Okay…
(heads out of the Mess Hall)

LEO CAESIUS
SUPER55’s presence has been having
a marked effect upon the crew.

GBW
More drinking?

LEO CAESIUS
No, actually a positive effect.
Torqumada has begun an effort to clone Luakel a body.
Thande’s actually cleaning up the chemical spill
that closed off decks eight and nine.
Michaels’ being nicer to people.
Psychomeltdown actually arrived to
Engineering on time and ready to work.

GBW
Goodness, now that is amazing.

GBW enters a Lift.

INT. – LIFT – CONTINUING

GBW
Well, hopefully he’ll be staying a while longer.
We could use the boost in crew moral.

Lift comes to a stop and GBW exits it.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUING

GBW walks toward the piloting suite.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m detecting a vortex opening up.

GBW
Hmm.. tell everyone we got possible trouble coming.

LEO CAESIUS
The vessel is hailing us.
I’m detecting some damage to the vessel, as if it’s been in a fight.
Detecting no weapons, no shields, and a barely functional engine.

GBW
Little threat to us, then.
(looks about)
Well, put it on screen.

The viewscreen comes to life, it’s grainy and filled with static.

The picture clears up and suddenly GREY WOLF’s face appears upon the screen. He’s ragged, dirty, and looks exhausted.

GREY WOLF
GBW?
I need your help.
Doc’s in trouble….

Reaction shot;

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS