TEASER

EXT. – A BATTLEFIELD – NIGHT

Fires burn amid the wreckage of tanks and aircraft. Gunfire and screaming men can be heard in the distance.

A single OTTOMAN SOLDIER, bloodied and burned, emerges from the smoke. He RUNS, a terrified look on his face. Something the audience can’t quite see rattles behind him.

The soldier trips and falls, losing his rifle. He crawls away as a CYLINDRICAL SHADOW falls over him.

SHRIEKING OBNOXIOUS VOICE
The Turks EX-TER-MIN-A-TED my people!

The OTTOMAN SOLDIER screams as a blue energy burst flashes…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone is at their places. DR. WHAT turns to the console.

DR. WHAT
Well LEO, where are we?

LEO_CAESIUS
Hold on…processing data.
(beat)
Well, this is interesting…

STRAHA
That totally sounded ominous.

MATT
Yeah, it did…

OTHNIEL
I have to agree.

STRAHA looks at OTHIEL.

STRAHA
Hold me.

He leaps into OTHNIEL’s arms, sending both crashing to the floor. IRONYUPPIE quickly takes charge.

IRONYUPPIE
All right LEO, what’s going on?

LEO_CAESIUS
There’s a massive crosstime p
resence on the surface below us.

DR. WHAT
(drops porno mag)
Oh crap. The CF.net?

LEO_CAESIUS
Believe it or not, it’s worse than them.

LANDSHARK
Worse than the CF.net?
(looks at IRONYUPPIE)
Hold me.

He attempts to jump into her arms. She steps back and lets him hit the floor.

DR. WHAT
Well then, if it’s not the CF.net, is it
ASBs?

LEO_CAESIUS
Fortunately for us, no.
(beat)
To be perfectly honest,
I don’t recognize them.

STRAHA
If you don’t know who it is, then how the hell do
you know it’s worst than the CF.net? anyone else
up for buying a new computer?

OTHNIEL tries to say something, but he’s muffled by STRAHA’s girth.

LEO_CAESIUS
I’m trying to tap into their
communications systems, but
it’s hard from this high.
(beat)
I’ll come down a bit and we’ll see what I can get.

STRAHA
This is so not going to end well…

OTHNIEL
Mmffmmm-hffmmm!!!
(goes limp)

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship descends into the planet’s upper atmosphere. A pair of yellow saucer-like ships bearing a red, blue, and orange tricolour approach the AH.com ship from behind.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

DR. WHAT is getting impatient, he keeps glancing toward the open pages of his porno mag and back at the viewscreen0.

DR. WHAT
Found anything?

LEO_CAESIUS
I’m getting something. There’s a war going on
down there. Whatever the crosstime entities are,
they’ve set up a heavily-shielded base at the ruins
of Ani and less-fortified bases at Lake Van, Yerevan,
and a couple of other sites.
(beat)
It looks like they’ve occupied a region stretching from Syria
to Dagestan and halfway into Asia Minor.

DR. WHAT
Who’re they fighting?

LEO_CAESIUS
I’m picking up transmissions in the Ottoman dialect of
Turkish from…from southern Italy, Constantinople, Antioch,
Egypt, and Algiers.

DR. WHAT
They let the Turks take Italy!
Marones!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The saucer like ships dive forward

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

LEO continues talking.

LEO_CAESIUS
Now, now, let’s not be so Eurocentric.
(beat)
I’m picking up some transmissions from
the invaders themselves. Running now.

A terrible, grating voice fills the control room.

VOICE #1
Twenty-THOUSAND TUR-KISH soldiers and
MAY-be eighty-THOUSAND TURK-KISH civilians
have been EX-TER-MIN-A-TED.

VOICE #2
And our LOSS-ES?

VOICE #1
No MORE than a few DOZ-EN at
MOST.

THANDE cocks his head.

THANDE
That voice sounds really familiar,
But I can’t quite place it.

VOICE #2
EX-CELL-ENT. Soon the GE-NO-CIDE
will be A-VENGED.

DR. WHAT is horrified.

DR. WHAT
There’s mass killing going on down there.
We have to stop it!

LEO_CAESIUS
Agreed. Thing is, we have some more
immediate problems.

The image of the two approaching saucer-craft fills the screen.

LEO_CAESIUS
They’re hailing us.

A grating voice echoes throughout the bridge.

VOICE #3
UN-I-DENT-I-FI-ED craft, you are
LIS-TEN-ING in on our
CO-MUN-I-CA-TIONS.

VOICE #4
This is an A-GRES-SIVE act and
must be met with FORCE.

BOTH VOICES TOGETHER
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

STRAHA
Shit. That definitely didn’t sound good.

MATT
No shit, Sherlock. Now man your station.

STRAHA
Right, I’ll begin loading the beer into the escape pods.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The saucers open fire with energy weapons.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship shakes.

LEO_CAESIUS
Those weapons are powerful!
Four blasts and our shields are already at two-thirds!

LANDSHARK
Shoot back!
That’s why we have bloody weapons!

WEAPON M
Oh, right.
(tosses aside Doc’s porno mag)
Firing!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com unleashes a barrage of particle beams and missiles at the two saucers. Shields flare on the enemy ships as they absorb the energy bursts. As the missiles approach, some sort of field begins dissolving them away. By the time what’s left of the missiles strike the hull of the ship, they do only minimal damage.

The saucers continue firing. Their energy weapons are now striking the hull.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

The ship is really shaking now, and sparks are jumping out of equipment.

DR. WHAT
What are our shielding levels?

GBW
50% overall, structural integrity is in the red,
we’ve got life support failing in some areas,
and we got a toilet overflowing in deck 20.

THANDE
Sorry, that last one was my fault.

DR. WHAT
And theirs?

GBW
Their toilets?

DR. WHAT
No, their ships!

LEO_CAESIUS
We’ve only done minimal damage to their systems.
Their shields are holding steady.

DR. WHAT thinks for a moment.

DR. WHAT
Concentrate your fire on one of them.
Evasive maneuvers, and take us down.

GBW
Take us where, O Exalted Leader?

DR. WHAT thinks for another moment.

DR. WHAT
Constantinople. If these creatures are the same
ones wreaking havoc on the surface, we’ll find allies down there.

GBW
You mean Istanbul, right?

IRONYUPPIE
I liked Byzantium better.

LANDSHARK
Nova Roma was by far the best.

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet you or it’s the rack for you.

LANDSHARK
Is that a promise?

DR. WHAT
(groaning)
Marone…
Just take us down, GBW…

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP

The AH.com dives into the clouds, the two saucers in pursuit. They continue firing, missing occasionally but doing severe damage to the ship’s armor.

The ship fires back, concentrating its fire on the closer saucer. The saucer’s shields slowly erode and soon the particle beams punching holes in the ship itself. It breaks off and flies away.

The second saucer is a bit more aggressive. It dives at the AH.com ship, pumping energy bursts into the ship at close range.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship continues shaking.

DR. WHAT
Dave! Status!

DAVE HOWERY (OS)
Two of our maneuvering thrusters are offline.
We’ve got red lights blinking like crazy down here.
There’s some funky smell coming from the broom closet.

DR. WHAT
Do we have enough to land safely?

DAVE HOWERY
Enough engine power? Uhhh…
(a long beat)
Sure… Yeah. Yeah we do.
(shouting)
Damn, Psycho! I said be careful with the flintlock.
You break it, I break you!
Now take gently take it to the escape pods!

The ship jolts and then begins to tilt.

DAVE HOWERY (OS)
(to Dr. What)
However, the stabilizers just went
And that will be a problem.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The remaining saucer continues hammering at the AH.com ship. The AH.com ship continues firing back. The saucer’s shields hold for a few moments and then they’re gone. Particle-beam bursts begin savaging the saucer’s hull. The saucer breaks off.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge crew cheers. LEO clears his throat.

LEO_CAESIUS
We’re not out of the woods yet, people.

DR. WHAT
Why?

LEO_CAESIUS
Because we’re about to crash.

EXT. – TOPKAPI PALACE, CONSTANTINOPLE – DAY

The wounded AH.com ship comes roaring out of the sky. It SLAMS into the lawn, sending courtiers and veiled women scattering, and slides burning towards an elaborate fountain.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM

LANDSHARK tries desperately to steer the ship away from the crowds of people.

LANDSHARK
LEO! Where are the controls!

LEO_CAESIUS
Offline. Severely damaged by the attackers.
(beat)
My automated systems are repairing them, but
that may take hours.

LANDSHARK
Fine! Can you calculate how long it will take for us
to come to a complete STOP!

LEO_CAESIUS
Four seconds.

LANDSHARK
How do you know?

LEO_CAESIUS
Look up.

LANDSHARK looks up to the primary view-screen. And SCREAMS.

THE VIEWSCREEN

shows the enormous fountain rapidly approaching.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship smashes into the elaborate fountain. As LEO calculated, it brings them to an immediate stop.

Within seconds, hundreds of JANISSARIES, all armed with modern weapons, surround the AH.com ship.

INT. – AUDIENCE CHAMBER, TOPKAPI PALACE – DAY

The AH.com crew is brought before the SULTAN. His throne faces away from them, but when he swivels the chair around, it’s revealed that the sultan is ABDUL HADI PASHA.

KIT
Lover! I missed you!

He rushes towards the throne, arms out and ready for affection. The SULTAN looks disgusted and gestures to one of his guards. KITJED is quickly slapped down.

DR. WHAT whispers to LANDSHARK.

DR. WHAT
Pretty sure this one is an alternate.

Then the SULTAN speaks, getting everyone’s attention.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
You have invaded the grounds of my palace,
in a time when the empire is under attack.
Who are you, and what do you want?

DR. WHAT steps forward.

DR. WHAT
Your majesty, we are but a humble
band of crosstime explorers…

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Traveling about in a powerful warship?

DR. WHAT
Well, we’re a band of
heavily armed crosstime explorers.

The SULTAN nods.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Our enemies are crosstime as well.
Are you in league with them?

DR. WHAT
Oh no. We were investigating them, and they attacked and…

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
The damage to your ship is consistent with
their weapons.

DR. WHAT nods furiously. The SULTAN gestures to one of his guards.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Put them in the guest quarters, under guard, while
I decide what to do with them.

INT. – TOPKAPI PALACE GUEST QUARTERS – NIGHT

The guest rooms at the palace are really quite opulent. STRAHA amuses himself by jumping on a bed fit for royalty, while DR. WHAT leafs through a book. GREY WOLF approaches him.

GREY WOLF
Able to figure out where we are?

DR. WHAT strokes his goatee.

DR. WHAT
Everything looks normal until around 1701. It looks like there’s
no War of Spanish Succession. Instead, there are some large wars
with Austria where the French and Ottomans divided Italy between
them. The Ottomans got Sicily and Naples, while the French got the
rest, including Rome.
(beat)
The French have also expanded to their “natural borders”
and gained Catalonia from Spain.

GREY WOLF
So essentially a Franco-Ottoman alliance dominates
Europe?
(beat)
Dirty treacherous frogs. Why didn’t we
do anything to stop this?

DR. WHAT nods.

DR. WHAT
Well, France traded its colonial
empire for European hegemony. Quebec and the
sugar islands fell a bit early to the Brits in TTL.
(beat)
However, the French were able to
occupy Hanover and thus force
the British monarchy to accept
French dominance in Europe.
(beat)
The French also backed TTL’s American Revolution,
Further weakening Britain.

GREY WOLF
Isn’t that grand?
(looks around)
I need a drink.

EXT. – BALCONY – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stands on a balcony, looking out at the AH.com ship. Ottoman technicians surround it, examining various bits of technology.

He turns to OTHNIEL.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We’re in a bad spot.
Think we’ll ever get home?

OTHNIEL
Whatever happens, the Lord will provide.

Psycho shrugs. Suddenly, OTHNIEL points.

OTHNIEL
Who’s that? I swear I’ve seen her before.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks to see: ALYSON HANNIGAN standing on another balcony, wearing a hooded cloak over a skimpy harem-girl outfit. She’s looking wistfully at the stars. A large BLACK EUNUCH comes up behind her and orders her inside. She reluctantly complies.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(fervent whispering)
Oh, glorious Alyson…

He turns to OTHNIEL.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You disapprove of polygamy, right?

OTHNIEL nods vigorously.

PSYCHOMELDOWN (CONT’D)
And surely you disapprove of women being
forced into polygamy even more?

OTHNIEL
Darn right!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN grins.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So how about we organize our very own
escape from the seraglio!

OTHNIEL seems less enthusiastic.

OTHNIEL
I’ll go get STRAHA. He’s better
at these sneaky things than I am.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN scowls.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Are you sure? Sneaking three people
in there might not…

OTHNIEL
Trust me on this.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN shrugs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(resigned)
All right….
(looks wistfully toward empty balcony)
You will be mine.. oh, yes. You will be mine…

INT. – SERAGLIO – NIGHT

STRAHA, OTHNIEL, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN creep quietly through the halls. They’re wearing JANISSARY uniforms obviously stolen from somewhere.

STRAHA
Aren’t you glad you brought me
along? If you had tried to leave the main part
of the palace in your uniforms, you’d be soo busted…

OTHNIEL
Shh! We’ll be so busted if we’re spotted
here in uniforms we stole from the laundry!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stops.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whispering)
All right. The balcony where Alyson was
standing should be close by.

STRAHA
(whispering)
How do you know?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ancient Native American tracking skills of course.
(beat)
Not to mention that sign there.

He points. There’s a map of the various rooms within the seraglio, each bearing a woman’s name and a date.

STRAHA
The Sultan’s got a sex schedule?
(beat)
Way cool.

OTHNIEL
Perversion! No loyalty to one person and…

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice intrudes on the scene.

FLOID
Who goes there?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN panics.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whispering)
What do we do!? What do we do!?

STRAHA keeps a clear head for once.

STRAHA
(high-pitched effeminate voice)
Nobody here but us eunuchs.

There is an ominous pause.

FLOID
Fine. But be careful.
Those crosstime visitors who just
arrived might not know our customs.

FLOID walks away.

OTHNIEL
See, I told you so.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grumbling)
All right.
Heh, Straha’s a eunuch.

They make their way down the corridor.

EXT. – ALYSON’S ROOM – NIGHT

The trio round a corner and PSYCHO spots Alyson’s room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Jackpot!
(beat)
You two keep watch.

STRAHA and OTHNIEL nod. PSYCHO slowly opens the door to Alyson’s room and slips inside.

INT. – ALYSON’S ROOM – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN creeps towards the bed in which ALYSON HANNIGAN is sleeping. She stirs.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
(sleepy)
My lord?
(beat)
Isn’t it Sheba’s turn tonight?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m not the Sultan.

ALYSON sits up, a befuddled expression on her face.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Who are you then?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
My name is PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
I’m here to rescue you.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Aren’t you a little short for a Janissary?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We come in all shapes and sizes.
Now quick. I’ve got to get you out of here
and somewhere where I can hide you
and make sweet sweet love to you…

ALYSON HANNIGAN
WHAT?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Errrr… Keep you safe.. and stuff.

INT. – THE SERAGLIO HALLWAY- NIGHT

STRAHA creeps away from Alyson’s room.

OTHNIEL
(whispering)
Where are you going?

STRAHA
Where do you think?
I want some tail of my own.

OTHNIEL
But…

STRAHA ignores him.

EXT. – ANOTHER SERAGLIO ROOM – NIGHT

STRAHA comes to a stop.

STRAHA
Sheba, the Giantess of the South.
(beat)
This sounds promising.

He opens the door.

INT. – SHEBA’S ROOM – NIGHT

SHEBA, a tall black woman huge of thigh and breast, is sitting in front of a mirror tinkering with her hair. STRAHA’S jaw drops and some drool starts running out.

STRAHA
Hey there.

SHEBA turns. She at first seems a bit confused, and then afraid. STRAHA tries to calm her down.

STRAHA
Hey, hey. No worries. I just want to…

Someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns to sees FLOID standing there. The Sultan’s eunuch is VERY unhappy.

STRAHA is terrified.

STRAHA
Crap!

He kicks FLOID in the crotch, hard.

It has absolutely no effect. FLOID decks him, putting him instantly on the floor.

INT. – THRONE ROOM – NIGHT

Two huge JANISSARIES drag DR. WHAT and GREY WOLF before SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA, who is VERY unhappy. FLOID lurks behind the Imperial Throne, barely able to suppress his joy. OTHNIEL, STRAHA, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN stand before the Sultan’s throne, in chains.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
You two have a lot of explaining to do!

DR. WHAT
(rubbing sleep from his eyes)
What…?

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
These three miscreants violated the sanctity of my
harem! Touching my women!

One JANISSARY clears his throat.

JANISSARY
Exalted Padishah , only one
of them actually touched
a harem woman.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Fine. One. But the others were his accomplice!
That one
(points to PSYCHO)
attempted to abduct ALYSON HANNIGAN while that one
(points to STRAHA)
tried to lay fat filthy hands on SHEBA, the Giantess of the South!

FLOID steps forward, an evil grin on his face.

FLOID
For STRAHA, it’s essential that his women have
bigger breasts than he does.

STRAHA lunges at FLOID, but is restrained by one of the JANISSARIES.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Do you know what the penalty is for this outrage!

GREY WOLF
Being forced to substitute teach a group
of borderline-feral children?

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
A tad bit worse than that, actually.
(beat)
Being sold into slavery.
Harem slavery. As eunuchs.

He gestures to FLOID, who, with a nasty grin, draws a scimitar.

OTHNIEL
Not again!
(screaming)
NOT AGAIN!!!

DR. WHAT
Wait!

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Why should I?

DR. WHAT is taken aback. His mouth moves soundlessly for a moment.

DR. WHAT
We can help you fight your enemy!

The assembled functionaries of the Ottoman Court mutter among themselves. The SULTAN silences them.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Can’t hurt. Nothing else we’ve tried works, and the
French shipment of the solid rounds
that can survive their dissolving fields has been delayed again.
(beat)
We accept your offer. Of course, they will have to remain as hostages
here in case you try something.

DR. WHAT
With all due respect sir, our ship
is quite heavily damaged. Even with our
limited self-repair ability, we’ll still
need your help to get it flying again.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
True.
(beat)
But how can you help me defeat the Rafeks?
By the time we can reverse-engineer tech from
your ship, the enemy will have exterminated
every inhabitant of Constantinople.

DR. WHAT
Rafeks…where have I heard that name before?

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
They murdered and stole the identity of an Armenian I
met once. He kept talking about something called an
“Armenian Genocide”
(snorts)
As if us Ottomans would ever DO such a thing. Put them
all in internment camps to avoid possible collaboration with
the invaders, yes, but kill them? Impossible.

DR. WHAT
Wait…internment camps?

The SULTAN nods.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
The Rafeks as they call themselves, are bent on
the destruction of our Empire. Based on
intelligence from the one Rafek we’ve captured alive,
they’ve done this done this dozens of times before.
(beat)
In order to prevent possible collaboration, we’ve had to
put all the Armenians within 100 square miles of the battle zone
in internment camps.

DR. WHAT
But that’s racist!

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Nonsense. Some of my best friends are Armenians.
(beat)
In any case, they’re a tiny minority.
The 1911 Encyclopedia Britannica says so.
(beat)
You still haven’t explained how you’re going to help me.

FLOID steps towards the chained trio menacingly. DR. WHAT thinks harder.

DR. WHAT
I believe our teleporters are still operating.
Can they beam us as far as Ani?

LEO’s voice comes in over the palace PA system.

LEO_CAESIUS
Yep.

The Ottoman Court begins muttering again.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Your ship’s computer…how can it tap into my
palace’s systems?

LEO_CAESIUS
Wouldn’t you like to know?

FLOID takes another step towards PSYCHO, STRAHA, and OTHNIEL.

LEO_CAESIUS
All right, all right. There’s a flaw in your
firewalls.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Thank you.

DR. WHAT
Does the Empire have nuclear weapons?

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
A few. Those shields are tough, though.

DR. WHAT
Yes, but what about what’s inside
the shield?

The SULTAN makes the connection.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Teleport a nuclear weapon INSIDE the shield.
Excellent idea.
(beat)
Thing is, the shields prevent radio communication unless
you’re right next to the shield. There’s no way
to remote detonate it…

DR. WHAT
Unless we’re right next to it.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Fine. If you can destroy the Rafek headquarters
at Ani, your friends go free and you will
get our help in repairing your ship
(beat)
If you can’t…

FLOID waves the scimitar in a menacing manner.

DR. WHAT
All I need is a nuclear bomb,
the bigger the better.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – THE SULTAN’S GARDENS – DAWN

The AH.commers, minus PSYCHOMELTDOWN and STRAHA, assemble before the wreck of their ship. A very large NUCLEAR WARHEAD sits on a luggage cart with them.

DR. WHAT
All right. LEO will teleport us inside
the shield and we’ll set the bomb.
(beat)
Once we’ve done that, we’ll find a way to get out of the
complex and remote-detonate the bomb. When LEO sees
the detonation, he’ll teleport us home.
Questions?

OTHNIEL, who has been rubbing his chafed wrists, raises his hand.

OTHNIEL
How are we going to get out?

DR. WHAT doesn’t have an answer.

DR. WHAT
We’ll think of something once that bomb
gets set.
(beat)
More questions?

LUAKEL raises his hand.

LUAKEL
Must we use a nuclear warhead?
That will undermine the anti-proliferation regime and…

ALL
SHUT UP!

DR. WHAT
That settles it.
(beat)
LEO, sends us on.

The crew vanishes in a series of POPS.

EXT. – RAFEK-OCCUPIED ANI – DAY

The AH.commers materialize within the Rafek shield. Everyone immediately draws their guns, but there’s nobody to shoot at. The place they landed at is deserted.

DR. WHAT
That was easier than I thought.
All we need to do now is get out of the shielded
area and remote-detonate the bomb.

Suddenly, three RAFEKS roll around the corner. They resemble Daleks, but they’ve got tricolored flags flying from the top of their domes.

RAFEK #1
IN-TRU-DERS!

ALL RAFEKS
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

The RAFEKS open fire. WEAPON_M and MATT fire back. The individual RAFEKS have dissolving fields, and their bullets vanish before they can do damage.

THANDE
Concentrate on the dome!

The militant duo obeys, and although the bullets continue to dissolve, enough get through to do damage. They crack open the dome of one RAFEK, revealing

CLOSE UP

A HUMAN BRAIN!

EXT. – RAFEK-OCCUPIED ANI – DAY

WEAPON_M rolls to the side, barely avoiding a full-on hit from a RAFEK death ray. The near miss leaves him with blisters.

MATT
We’re not doing enough damage!

WEAPON_M
We need to retreat.

DR. WHAT turns to see more RAFEKS coming up the street behind them. Then he sees a nearby church.

DR. WHAT
Into the church!

OTHNIEL
Are we going to pray for salvation?

WEAPON M
Might as well, seeing we’re not
doing shit against these things.

The AH.commers retreat into the church, with LUAKEL pushing the nuke on its cart.

INT. – THE NARTHEX – DAY

The AH.commers rush up the steps towards the sanctuary. They see something that makes them skid to a halt.

THE SANCTUARY—THROUGH THE DOOR

The sanctuary is filled with Rafeks, who are all singing in grating Armenian. The singing stops and a single BLACK RAFEK carrying a trap of communion wafers begins rattling down the aisle. One by one, the RAFEKS take the wafers from the tray with tiny robotic arms.

INT. – THE NARTHEX – DAY

The AH.commers look around. The war cries of the RAFEKS outside grow louder. DR. WHAT sees some stairs leading down.

DR. WHAT
Down the stairs!

They dash down the stairs. LUAKEL pushes the cart down the stairs. It’s a bumpy ride and soon goes out of control.

WEAPON_M
The bomb!

OTHNIEL throws himself into the path of the descending cart. It SLAMS him into the wall.

DR. WHAT
That’s gotta hurt.

OTHNIEL moans from under the cart.

THE TOP OF THE STAIRS

A single RAFEK appears.

RAFEK
THEY ARE DOWN HERE! EX-TER…

A sustained burst of gunfire rips open its dome.

BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS

DR. WHAT gestures towards a hallway leading deep underground.

DR. WHAT
This way!

The AH.commers and their bomb rush down the hall. They come into

A LARGE ROOM

They pile into the room and DR. WHAT slams the double-doors behind him.

DR. WHAT
We should be safe here.

Suddenly, evil LAUGHTER echoes throughout the room.

DR. WHAT
(scared)
Crap.

Curtains part at the other side of the room. Revealed in all his terrible glory is the RAFEK EMPEROR. Like the other RAFEKS, he has a human brain, but this brain is suspended in a fluid-filled jar that is in turn built into an enormous metallic superstructure.

Doors open on either side of the RAFEK EMPEROR and a half-dozen RAFEKS spill from each. The AH.commers are in deep trouble.

RAFEK EMPEROR
And so the Sultan’s desperate bid for victory
fails at the last minute. How delicious.

DR. WHAT stands defiant.

DR. WHAT
Do your worst, you murderous monsters!

RAFEK EMPEROR
I am a monster?
(beat)
Tell me, WHAT.
Did ABDUL HADI PASHA ever tell
you about RAFI ISSAGHOLIAN?

DR. WHAT
He told me enough! He told me you killed him
and then you stole his identity!

RAFEK EMPEROR
No, WHAT. I am RAFI ISSAGHOLIAN!

DR. WHAT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

WEAPON M
Like he even knew the guy.

OTHNIEL
Wow, he can really yell. Usually after a
few seconds, that’d hurt my throat.

WEAPON M
Well, he’s a screamer.
(grins and hitches up trousers)

The Ah.commers look at WEAPON M awkwardly and shift away from him.

DR. WHAT (CONT.)
-OOOOOOOOO!!!!
The RAFEK EMPEROR has had enough.

RAFEK EMPEROR
Oh shut up.
(beat)
Before you die, do you want to hear about
my Evil Plan ™ ?

DR. WHAT shrugs.

DR. WHAT
Couldn’t hurt.

RAFEK EMPEROR
Very well. It began soon
after I left the Hub. I travelled to
a TL where Armenia was a great nation
once more.

ONE RAFEK
BUT THEN THE CURS-ED TURKS IN-VA-DED!

RAFEK EMPEROR
There, there. Don’t you worry, they’ll hear all about it.
(beat)
They EX-TER-MIN-A-TED my people!

DR. WHAT
But how did you survive?

RAFEK EMPEROR
It’s a long story. Sufficient to say, the Turks
were very thorough in hunting all recognizable
Armenians and in order to survive, I had to have
some Kurdish gangsters transplant my brain
into a robot body.

DR. WHAT
Like the other RAFEKS?

RAFEK EMPEROR
Yep. Only without guns at first.
(beat)
You see…

ANOTHER RAFEK
KUR-DISH BAS-TARDS
EN-SLAVED US!

RAFEK EMPEROR
(annoyed)
May I finish a sentence for once?
(beat)
The Kurdish gangsters made me serve
in a role very much like R2-D2. I had
to maintain their vehicles and aircraft.

LUAKEL starts snickering. A RAFEK fires its death ray at his feet and he jumps away with a scream.

RAFEK EMPEROR
Fortunately, they grew careless, and I was
able to steal a saucer-like crosstime vehicle
they had acquired. I upgraded it and my
body with weapons and went from TL to
TL, collecting analogues in similar positions.
(beat)
Soon, I had a great army of other RAFIS
at my command. We decided to go from TL to
TL, destroying the Ottoman Empire wherever it
arose, so that the genocide would never happen.

OTHNIEL
But how many innocent Turks have died?
(beat)
You’re just as bad as the Turks in your home TL were!
Is it not written, “Do not be overcome by evil, but…”

RAFEK EMPEROR
SILENCE! In the long run, my actions
will prevent sins like genocide from occurring!
(beat)
You may kill these slaves of the Turks at your leisure.

ASSEMBLED RAFEKS
EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Just when the RAFEKS are about to annihilate the trapped AH.commers, a strange pumping mechanical sound fills the air. The RAFEKS wheel away to face a mysterious rectangular structure slowly forcing itself into reality.

RAFEKS
The DOC-TOR!
It’s the DOC-TOR!

DR. WHAT is not happy.

DR. WHAT
Damn it you genocidal pepperpots!
I’m the Doctor!

The mysterious interloper is a RED POLICE BOX. Once it has finished materializing, the doors slide open and fog begins flowing out. The RAFEKS surround the intruder.

Suddenly, a dozen SCANTILY-CLAD FEMALE WARRIORS leap out. They tear into the RAFEKS with a variety of martial-arts weapons. The RAFEKS fire their death rays at them, but they’re moving too fast to hit.

Within seconds, all but one of the RAFEKS has been destroyed. The survivor, heavily damaged, limps away.

RAFEKS
Casing impaired! Casing…

One of the warriors hurls a ninja star at the RAFEK. The camera follows the whirling weapon into the RAFEK and the creature falls silent.

The victorious women spontaneously start kissing each other.

DR. WHAT
(drooling)
Lesbian ninjas…

A man emerges from the police box. He bears a remarkable resemblance to DR. WHAT, only he’s dressed like Hugh Hefner.

ALT DR. WHAT
Good job ladies.

The AH.commers’ jaws collectively drop.

DR. WHAT
You’re the Doctor?

The ALT DR. WHAT grins.

ALT DR. WHAT
Yes! Isn’t that fantastic!

RAFEK EMPEROR
THIS WILL NOT STAND!

ALT DR WHAT
Actually, I think it will.

A death ray blaster emerges from the RAFEK EMPEROR. One of the LESBIAN NINJA WARRIORS hurls a ninja star at it, but it’s too late.

The blast incinerates the remote-control detonator in DR. WHAT’s hand. DR. WHAT leaps over to the bomb and holds his hand threateningly over the Big Red Button ™.

DR. WHAT
Don’t you try anything!

The RAFEK EMPEROR laughs.

RAFEK EMPEROR
Detonating the bomb manually would destroy me and
thousands of other RAFEKS, but it would kill you and all your friends.
(voice starts rasping like the other RAFEKS)
WHAT IS IT, DOC-TOR? KIL-LER OR COW-ARD!

DR. WHAT sees the ALT DOCTOR scurrying into the TARDIS.

DR. WHAT
Well, we know what that marone’s
choice was.

RAFEK EMPEROR
DES-TROY THEM!

Blue death rays flash from the RAFEKS. Suddenly, the beams FREEZE in midair.

DR. WHAT
What the hell?

The ALT. DR. WHAT emerges from the TARDIS.

ALT DR. WHAT
Just froze time there for a bit.

He steps over and presses the manual button on the bomb.

ALT DR. WHAT
Don’t worry. It won’t explode until the
time freeze ends.
(beat)
Which won’t be until we’re well away from here.
Into the TARDIS!

The AH.commers and LESBIAN NINJAS pile into the vehicle. With a mechanical pumping sound, it vanishes. Time speeds up to normal again.

RAFEK EMPEROR
What the….

Then the bomb detonates.

EXT. – HILL OVERLOOKNG THE RAFEK COMPLEX – DAY

The AH.commers and their allies watch the nuclear explosion claw at the inside of the Rafek shield.

DR. WHAT
The shield should concentrate
the destructive force of the blast,
destroying the RAFEK leadership.

THANDE
But these creatures were designed to survive
nuclear war. The blast might crack their shells,
but they’ll feed on the radiation!

DR. WHAT
Daleks perhaps. But these are
Rafeks. Another sort of creature entirely.

ALT DR. WHAT
My alternate is quite right. Those
human brains inside the Rafeks are
quite vulnerable to radiation. Besides,
help is on the way.

He points to a column of Ottoman tanks rumbling up the highway.

ALT DR. WHAT
Any Rafeks that survive the blast will likely be taken
care of by our friends.
(looks at the women)
Let’s go, loves.

The ALT DR. WHAT and his FEMALE WARRIORS begin filing into the TARDIS. DR. WHAT is distraught.

DR. WHAT
Wait! Take me with you.

ALT DR. WHAT
No can do, mate. My
companions have to be female.

DR. WHAT
But there are enough of them to share!

He runs towards the TARDIS. OTHNIEL is quick to react.

He pulls a leather pouch out of his pocket and pulls out a rope. A note with some feminine handwriting falls to the floor.

OTHNIEL begins whirling the rope over his head. As DR. WHAT approaches the TARDIS, OTHNIEL slings the rope and loops DR. WHAT around the neck.

Despite being lassoed, DR. WHAT keeps running. OTHNIEL is dragged behind him, holding onto the lasso with one hand. With his other hand, he managed to grab onto a large rock and stop DR. WHAT.

ALT DR. WHAT closes the TARDIS door behind him and the pumping sound begins. As the TARDIS fades out of existence, DR. WHAT moans his dismay. Then he turns to OTHNIEL, anger lighting his eyes.

DR. WHAT
You born-again little bastard!

OTHNIEL
(forthrightly)
It’s for your own good.
(softer)
Besides, if you left, who
would be captain?

He points to GREY WOLF, who is fast asleep holding onto a six-pack of beer.

DR. WHAT
Good point.
(to GREY)
Wake up!

GREY slowly comes to.

GREY WOLF
I was having such a wonderful dream!
So many surviving monarchies!

DR. WHAT
(via communicator)
LEO, are the repairs made?
(beat)
And PSYCHO and STRAHA free?

LEO_CAESIUS (O.S.)
Yes on both.
(beat)
We’ll be able to get
back to the Hub at least.

DR. WHAT
The Turks should be able to handle the rest.
Let’s go.

OTHNIEL
Wait!

He steps over to retrieve the note that had fallen out of the lasso.

OTHNIEL’S POV

He picks up the note.

THE NOTE TEXT
Dear OTHNIEL,
Thanks for everything.
Love,
Lureen.

OTHNIEL looks about and crumples the letter, tossing it away.

EXT. – THE HILLTOP – DAY

DR. WHAT looks a little impatient.

DR. WHAT
All right, let’s go.

They’re teleported away with a loud POP!

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – SERAGLIO BEDROOM – NIGHT

A young pretty ARMENIAN CONCUBINE sits on her bed, weeping and praying. In the distance, we can hear FOOTSTEPS.

INT. – HALLWAY – NIGHT

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA makes his way down the hallway.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
The Rafek HQ is destroyed, along with four of their five
lesser bases. I think it’s time for me to relax a bit.

He approaches a door with the image of the ARMENIAN CONCUBINE on it.

INT. – SERAGLIO BEDROOM – NIGHT

THE SULTAN enters. The ARMENIAN CONCUBINE looks up, eyes wide with fear.

SULTAN
It is time to taste the pleasures of Imperial love…

The CONCUBINE scrambles away. The SULTAN pursues patiently.

SULTAN ABDUL HADI PASHA
Come to me, my little mountain flower.
(more threatening)
You wouldn’t want me to have to get the
Chief Black Eunuch involved…

She rushes over to a closet door and tears it open. There’s a badly-burned RAFEK inside.

BURNED RAFEK
YOU DID NOT GET ALL OF US, YOU
TUR-KISH BAS-TARD!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!

THE SULTAN screams as a blue energy burst flashes from the RAFEK.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS