TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

Pan through the corridor, we hear distant voice.

KIT (VO)
Come on. Just open you mouth.

LUAKEL (VO)
Umm…

KIT (VO)
It won’t hurt one bit…

Continue panning through the corridor.

Reach a hatch with a hand written note taped to it reading:”SURVIVAL ON ALTERNATE WORLDS – Taught by KIT”

WEAPON M (VO)
Damn it, Kit. He’s just a little kid!

MATT (VO)
Yeah, he’s… just a little kid!

KIT (VO)
Well, the more reason for him to do this…

Pull into the open hatch and we see:

KIT standing by LUAKEL holding a large looking pill. WEAPON M and MATT are sitting in too small school desks shaking their heads.

KIT
He’s a growing boy and he needs his vitamins.

LUAKEL
Uncle Weapon M! don’t let him do it!
I don’t want those icky vitamins!

MATT
Weird how he goes all doe eyed and little kid
voice when he’s begging for something.

WEAPON M
Kinda like Doc….

KIT
Swallow it!

LUAKEL
Noooo!!

There’s a struggle as KIT tries to shove the pill down LUAKEL’s throat. It does not succeed.

KIT
Why is it always difficult for me to get a person of the
male variety to open their mouths and let me put something in it?

MATT
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice… or six times…

WEAPON M
Man, this is pathetic.
(rises to his feet)

MATT
Oooo. Show ‘em how the
Postal Workers do it, man!

WEAPON M grabs the pill out of KIT’s hand and grabs LUAKEL , who’s making to run off. LUAKEL struggles, but WEAPON M pries his mouth open, shoves in the pill, and then covers both LUAKEL’s mouth and nose with his hands. LUAKEL flails about, but WEAPON M holds him down, and after a moment he begins massaging LUAKEL’s throat.

WEAPON M
There, there, boy.
Don’t struggle. Don’t struggle.
Just swallow it…

Both KIT and MATT are watching wide-eyed.

KIT
Did anyone just find that arousing?

MATT
Yeah, man.

LUAKEL visibly swallows and goes limp. WEAPON M lets him go and sits back down in his too small desk.

WEAPON M
You just gotta know how to deal with kids…

LUAKEL
(weakly)
Someone, please… get me a Coke, a bag of Doritos,
and a maple syrup enema… I feel so tainted…

KIT
(shaking head)
Well since that ordeal is over. Let’s begin the first of
many lessons regarding surviving on alternate worlds.
I’m calling this: Surviving Alternate World Capture.
(pulls out a black board on wheels with a sketch of two figures on it)
As we know, in almost every world we go to, we either
get caught or get our arses kicked. More than likely one
of us will get caught and be placed in some sort of confinement,
either a dungeon, prison, or cell of some sort. If so,
more than likely you’ll be placed among other low life
scum that have incurred the wrath of that alternate world’s
ruling party. At the least, they’ll be guards on watch.

KIT pulls a long extendable pointer out of his pocket and taps the tip against the blackboard, the black board become animated. The figures both turn a shade of blue and move into suggestive positions.

KIT (cont.)
Lesson One.
Giving Blowjobs for Favors and Freedom.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“REALITY IS A HARSH MISTRESS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – SHIFT TRANSIT – DAY

Swirly colors. A ship in the midst. We pull in and see it’s a ship of strange design, but still oddly familiar…

Pull in closer and we see a black hull and a red sun with a white hand in the center.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – CORRIDOR – DAY

Music is playing. A strange pulsing, pounding of drums and other unidentifiable instruments.

ATTA, flanked by ADIKOR and LONWIS TROB, walks down a long wide corridor.

The trio head down the corridor, into a lift, and moments later are entering the bridge of the ship.

CONTINUING – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE

ATTA takes a seat, the other two men flank her seat.

ATTA
Status?

TECH GUY
Insertion into destination in five minutes.
Everything is a go.

ATTA waits patiently.

Fade out:

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a shuttle pod slowly drifting by.

KIT (VO)
Shuttlepod, over.

INT. – SHUTTLE POD – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is piloting, MICHAEL is sitting in the co-pilot’s eat. And in the back we can see WEAPON M snoring away.

MICHAEL leans forward and hits a button, activating the comm.

MICHAEL
This is shuttlepod, what do ya want?

KIT
Shuttle pod, this is the Ship, Hurry up and
get your damned arses back on board!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pushes MICHAEL out of the way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ship, this is Psycho. We’ll get there in due time.
Quit badgering us!

KIT
The new episode of Naked Italian Men is coming
on in ten minutes, and I do not want o miss it. If I
miss it, you will pay. You hear me? You will pay!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to Michael)
A bit dramatic isn’t he?
(Michael nods)
What’s that word you guys always scream
at Luakel when he’s bothering you?

MICHAEL
Bugger off?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nods)
yeah.
(into comm)
Bugger off!
(laughs)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT glares at the comm, he pulls off his little headset.

KIT
(smiling brightly)
Captain, all crew on board and accounted for.

DOCTOR WHAT
(taking a long pull from a bottle of scotch)
Well, you heard ‘im, GBW.
Set course for the Hub, Warp three.

GBW
Uh, we don’t have warp.
I think that’s a fictional thing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring GBW)
Engage.

GBW shrugs and pokes a big green button.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

A Green light marked: SHIFT ENGINES ON lights up.

DAVE HOWERY
Alright boys, stoke the shift engines!
(long silence)
Boys?
(looks around)
Damn it, where are they?

INT. – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

Tight on G.BONE’s face. Pull back and we see him holding cards.

Pull back even more and we see STARHA, BOBO, and DIAMOND sitting around a small table, chips and cards upon the table.

G.BONE sets down his cards.

G.BONE
Hapsburg Dynasty.
Spanish Armada conquerors England.
And… The sun never sets on the Spanish Empire.

DIAMOND
(groans)
Damn it.
(throws cards down)

STRAHA
Wait… what are we playing?

BOBO
Bobo. Lose?
Bobe. Not. Lose.
Ever.

There’s an ominous noise.

DIAMOND
Aw, shit. Not again…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW, glances at a screen.

GBW
Captain, I’ve just registered an explosion on board.

DOCTOR WHAT is passed out on the command chair. LUAKEL is pilfering through his wallet.

LUAKEL
Well, we had Mexican for lunch today.
(GBW gives him a confused look)
Y’know how Thande is and Mexican food…

KIT and GBW give a knowing nod.

GBW
Entering transit space.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the a vortex open and the ship enter, the vortex closing behind them.

Pan to the still slowly moving shuttlepod.

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD – DAY

MICHAEL is staring out a porthole.

MICHAEL
Umm.. I think they just left.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? Left?
No. They couldn’t have.

MICHAEL
I don’t see the ship…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alright, this might be a bad thing.

MICHAEL
You think?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah?

MICHAEL
The ship just left us.
This qualifies as Bad.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m sure they’ll come back.
I mean. They’ll realize we’re missed right?

MICHAEL
(Long silence)
Yeah…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(crestfallen)
We’re dead aren’t we?

MICHAEL
See, now you’re making sense.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, how else could it get worse?

MICHAEL
Oh, damn it. You just didn’t say that did you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?

Suddenly the Proximity Alarm begins blaring and the two scramble to a scanner console. On it, there is a huge red dot, coming toward their position.

MICHAEL
You know, next time you should just stay quiet…

WEAPON M
Damn it, what’s that noise?
I’m trying to get some sleep here!

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

We hear screaming. Pan down the corridor, suddenly we see G.BONE running down the corridor. He’s worse for wear, tattered uniform, scorch marks, and screaming shrilly like a mad man.

G.BONE
I’m sorry!
I’m sorry!

He runs past the camera, which stays pointed down the corridor.

A few seconds later we hear a loud humming and BOBO moving down the corridor.

It passes the camera, which stays pointed down the corridor.

A few seconds later, STRAHA and DIAMOND wander into view.

DIAMOND
Talk about a sore loser.

STRAHA
Kinda like Flocc when we play Monopoly.
(a beat)
You wanna get high?

DIAMOND
(shrugging)
Sure why not?

They wander off.

EXT. – SHIFT TRANSIT – DAY

Swirly bright colors in a kaleidoscope fashion, among it we see a ship. Pull in and we see it’s the CF.net.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

Music is playing.

SINGER
I feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I lost the best friend
That I ever had

CONTINUE down the corridor. Passing hatches, bulkhead, and whatnot.

SINGER
She was my woman
I loved her so
But it’s too late now
I’ve let her go

We see the naked backside of a figure walking down the corridors, pull in on it and we see that it’s WARD. He’s wearing only his captain’s hat and a .375 holstered at his hip. His eyes rove the corridor, taking in everything.

SINGER
I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes

WARD continues walking, scrutinizing every bit of the corridor he’s in.

SINGER
We shared the eve’s
We shared each day
In love together
We found a way

He walks into the Mess Hall, there in the center of the room is MIDGARDMETAL, with GEDCA, FORTYSEVEN, and DARKSLAVIK all listening to him play. WARD stands in the entrance. Watching them.

MIDGARDMETAL
But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes

It doesn’t take long before the gathered crew sees WARD in the entrance, and as if they’ve been shocked with something, they quickly scramble for the other exit, heading to their stations.

MIDGARDMETAL
(apologetic)
Sorry, sir.
Just felt like playing…

WARD stands there, his arms crossed.

WARD
Continue.

MIDGARDMETAL hesitates for a moment, but soon begins strumming his guitar.

MIDGARDMETAL
It took so long
To realize
That I can still hear
Her last goodbyes

Slow fade out:

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Pull in on the shuttlepod, outside looking in. We see MICHAEL looking forlornly at the porthole.

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD – DAY

Tight on MICHAEL.

WEAPON M
Why so glum, kid?

Camera moves to the left and we see WEAPON M sitting beside him.

MICHAEL
This is not the way I wanted to die.

WEAPON M
There’s a way you wanted to die?
How fucking morbid is that, to wonder upon how you wanna die.
Me I wanna die fucking some hot stacked blonde.

Pull to the left of WEAPON M and we see PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, that’s my dying fantasy too!
(a beat)
But not blonde, or that stacked, but still hot…

MICHAEL
Aw, damn it. This is definitely not how I wanted to die,
Listen to his dribble about that flat chest wench.

WEAPON M
I don’t mind. Talk away Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, it begins, like all stories begin-

GUARD
Shut the fuck up.

Pull out and we see the shuttle pod filled with armored and armed figures carrying deadly looking weapons.

MICHAEL
Please, hit him.
(gestures toward Psychomeltdown)

An armored figure punches PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

MICHAEL
(grinning)
Oh, hit him again!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(groaning)
No, don-

The armored figure punches PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

MICHAEL
Now, uncuff me and let me go on my merry way.

The armored figure punches MICHAEL.

GUARD
Want me to hit anyone else? HUH?

MICHAEL
(small GUARD )
No.

WEAPON M
See, when you’re surrounded by heavily armed
people and you’re tied up, it’s just best to go
with the flow and bide your time.

The armored figure punches WEAPON M.

GUARD
Quit plotting your escape.

WEAPON M
(small voice
Sorry.

Clock wipe.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a vortex open above a pristine looking planet.

Pull in and we see it’s the flagship PONTER.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – DAY

TECH GUY
Insertion into Timeline XAS-3235B. complete.

ATTA
Open hailing comm, all frequencies.

TECH GUY
Open.

ATTA
Welcome to the fold of the Empire.
Be prepared to submit or face devastation.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

We see the flagship PONTER, pull out.

Around it, suddenly open hundreds of vortexes, each disgorging a black ship. Soon the space around the planet is filled.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – WARD’S QUARTERS= DAY

WARD is sitting in a chair, before him on the wall is the infamous slideshow.

He just stares at it, a beer in one hand and a completely blank expression upon his face..

Fade Out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MEB BAY – NIGHT

G.BONE lies unconscious on a bed. We can see TORQUMADA in the background, petting a sulking BOBO.

TORQUMADA
There there, Bobo.
The bad man is asleep.
We can do all sorts of terrible things to him, now.

The Med Bay door opens and DAVE HOWERY enters, looking pissed.

DAVE HOWERY
Now, where are those lazy bastards!

TORQUMADA
Which ones?

DAVE HOWERY
My so called engineering crew.
I’ve been stoking the Shift Engines all damn day!
I’m the Chief Engineer, I don’t do
that sort of demeaning manual labor!

TORQUMADA
(gesturing toward G.Bone)
I have dibs on hurting him first.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, then where’s the other one?

TORQUMADA
Which one?

DAVE HOWERY
Psychometldown!

TORQUMADA shrugs.

DAVE HOWERY
(growls)
Leo, where is that last idiot Psycho?

LEO CAESIUS
Psychomeltdown is not on the ship.

DAVE HOWERY
Then where the hell is he?

LEO CAESIUS
Psychomeltdown is not on the ship.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it.
(clenches fist)
Alright I’ll find him and make him do his damn job for once!
(storms out)

TORQUMADA continues to pet BOBO.

TORQUMADA
Yes. He’s crazy.
I know, he needs to trim his beard.
Now, let’s have some fun with G.Bone…

INT. – BUILDING – NIGHT

Open up in a large sterile looking room We see WEAPON M, MICHAEL, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN all sitting on the floor looking bored.

MICHAEL
So, then I was like.
“You get the fuck off that sheep
or I’ll be the one shagging you!”

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, I remember that. That was the time you got your
ass kicked by those five year olds, right?

MICHAEL
There were ten of them!
You try fighting off ten five year olds!

WEAPON M
Well, kids can be some evil little bastards.
I’ll tell you the ti-

Suddenly there’s a thumping sound and the hatch like door slides open. In walk to women, DOCTOR MANN and DOCTOR MORRIS. Both are dressed in lab coats and carrying clip boards, flanking them are two female guards holding nightsticks.

WEAPON M
Hey, how about we get some chow?

MICHAEL
And booze.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And some porn!

Both MICHAEL and WEAPON M nod.

DOCTOR MORRIS
Silence!

MICHAEL
Damn, what’s with people on this planet.
Everyone keeps tell us to shut up.

WEAPON M
Shut up, Michael.

DOCTOR MANN
Welcome to the Oakland Center.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh.. what’s that?

DOCTOR MORRIS
You’ll find out soon enough.

DOCTOR MANN
First question.
How did you arrive to our world?
Your shuttle does not seemed to be equipped
with any technology that would enable
you to cross through universe.

MICHAEL
Oh, that bloody Canuck left us behind.

WEAPON M
(surprised)
Doc left us?
(sadden)
Oh, man, that sucks.
(angry)
What did you two do?

MICHAEL
(quickly)
It was Psycho’s fault!

DOCTOR MANN
Silence!

The three shut up.

DOCTOR MANN
Now, tell us how you got here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh… we were going for a joy ride in the shuttle.
It was boring as hell on the ship. Doc and the others
are too lazy to even go on away missions. They just
scan a planet and move on. We figured we’d take
a little breather outside,, y’know…

MICHAEL
Great way to hold up under interrogation, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Bugger off!

DOCTOR MORRIS
You arrived here on ship?
One capable of crossing to different universe?

WEAPON M
Yep.
Now, how about that chow?

DOCTOR MANN
Interesting.
(snaps fingers)

A guard hurries out and rolls in a large television set. The guard hands a remote to DOCTOR MANN.

DOCTOR MANN
Now, you say you come from another universe.

WEAPON M
Actually we never said that.
You just assumed.

DOCTOR MANN
(glares)
Anyway. Have you encountered or even see this?
(presses remote)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Man, that was fast. Did you have that TV
sitting out there ready to be shown to captives?

DOCTOR MANN
Yes. Now look at the damned screen!

ON TELEVISION: A large cube like ship hovers above a city. Missile strikes and detonations can be seen striking it’s shields.

MICHAEL
You know, we can easily lie and saw we
have never seen this kind of ship before, right?

DOCTOR MANN
Yes you can.
But if you do, there will be consequences.

A guard raises a nightstick menacingly.

WEAPON M
I like the way this woman thinks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sobbing)
We don’t know who they are!
We just arrived here not too long ago.
And we got left behind!
Now don’t hurt us!
Please….

WEAPON M
(to Psycho)
Next time, make sure Doc doesn’t take
you on any secret away missions, okay?

DOCTOR MORRIS
I do believe they are telling the truth.

DOCTOR MANN
(nods)
Begin preparing them.

MICHAEL
That sounds ominous.

WEAPON M
What do you mean, preparing them?

Several more female guards enter the room, they’re all carrying nightsticks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This isn’t going to be good, right?

MICHAEL
The master of understatement.

The guards advance upon the three.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – CARGO HOLD – NIGHT

ATTA, ADIKOR, AND LONWIS TROB are standing before a huge pile of complicated looking devices, all seemingly different, but all giving the aura of high tech.

ATTA
Tell me again.

There are a group of other Neanderthals standing about, they look nervous and all look like engineers and scientists.

LEAD SCIENTIST
Mistress, we have gone over the items we have obtain
through the might of our ships and soliders, but some
of these items are far beyond our capabilities at present.

ATTA
I refuse to believe that.

LEAD SCIENTIST
You must understand that when our home world was destroyed,
we lost a lot of our technical knowledge and capabilities. At
present it would take us decades to full decipher all these
advances in technology you have obtained.

ATTA
We need them ready and integrated into the ship.
Finding out how they work is not necessary.

LEAD SCIENTIST
I understand but even doing that is a massive undertaking.

ATTA
You have five days.

LEAD SCIENTIST
(stammering)
But we can’t. We are not able to!

ATTA
(angry)
Then we find someone who can!

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – EXAMINING ROOM – MORNING

WEAPON M is putting on his clothing as DOCTOR MORRIS talks with a nurse who has handed her a couple of clipboards.

DOCTOR MORRIS
(sighs)
Are these readings right?

NURSE
Yes, ma’am.
The other two also under went a physical.

DOCTOR MORRIS
But, the results..
(shakes head)
Well, I think we’re gonna have to put them on
a strict regimen for the next couple of weeks.

WEAPON M
Hey, what’s going on anyway?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Mr. Lee, what kind of life have
you been leading up to now?

WEAPON M
Uh.. what do you mean.

DOCTOR MORRIS
These test results…
They are unsatisfactory.
But I guess we’ll have to deal
with what we got. B minus.

WEAPON M
Hey, now. You try living on a ship with a
buncha of guys. It’s all partying all the
time booze, food, and plenty of violence…
(sighs wistfully)
Damn, I’d like to have some ribs, a cold bear,
and a shoot out with someone right now…

DOCTOR MORRIS
Your ship is all male?

WEAPON M
Well, except for IronYuppie, but then again
she’s got more balls than the rest of the crew.

DOCTOR MORRIS
Either way, you’ll be put on a strict regimen of
cardiovascular and low impart aerobics for the
next couple of weeks. Until you’re ready.

WEAPON M
Ready for what?

DOCTOR MORRIS
(sighs)
I keep forgetting you’re not from this world.
The event that occurred ten years ago is so well
known by all that it just seems like everyone knows it.

WEAPON M
What happened ten years ago. Obviously you
guys are familiar with shifting technology.

DOCTOR MORRIS
Guys..
(short laugh)
We are familiar with what you call shifting
technology only from a purely victimized standpoint.
(Weapon M looks confused)
Ten years ago. There came those ships you saw on the television,
thousands upon thousands of them. We tried to make contact with
them, we tried to hail them, but to no end. Instead what occurred
was that the ships used some sort of teleportation device to teleport
away all the males on the planet.

WEAPON M
Wait, someone just up and teleported all the guys off the planet?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Well, not all. There were a few that were either
allowed to stay behind or just went unnoticed.
Basically every man in the world, besides fifteen,
were taken away on that day.

WEAPON M
Holy crap. Who’d want that many men? And why?

DOCTOR MORRIS
We’ve been trying to answer that question for the last decade.

WEAPON M
So what have you found out?

DOCTOR MORRIS
(shrugs)
I don’t know. I don’t work on that sort of thing. But we’ve
made great strides in exploring space. It’s how we’ve managed
to capture your shuttle very quickly. We’ve got a large space
based fleet waiting, just in case the people who kidnapped all
our males return. But the progress we’ve made on opening a
portal to another universe is unknown to me. It’s not my job.

WEAPON M
And what’s your job?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Repopulation.

WEAPON M
What?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Even though we know that there is a way to get to other universes,
we are unable to recreate that technology, and we cannot put all our
hopes on discovering that technology before all the people in this
generation die out. Therefore I run the Oakland Breeding Center,
which houses seven of the fifteen surviving males in the world.

WEAPON M
Wait. You’re gonna use us fro breeding purposes?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Of course.

WEAPON M
Holy shit.
(grins)
I’ve always wanted to fuck for a living.

DOCTOR MORRIS
How…very male.

INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY

MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are sitting in the room, when the door opens and WEAPON M is escorted in.

WEAPON M
(to guards)
Thanks, babe.
What say you come by my quarters later
tonight and we can have a little fun?
(the two guards giggle)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, Lee. Did ya hear?
We get to get laid!

WEAPON M
Hell, yeah.

MICHAEL
I don’t know…

WEAPON M
Quit being such a spoil sport.
At least this time you’re sure
to score with a chick.

MICHAEL
Hey, there has been times.

WEAPON M
Yeah, name one.

MICHAEL
Uh…
Bugger off!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is so awesome.
Not only do I get to get laid. I get to get laid often!
(grinning foolishly)

WEAPON M
Hey, what how did you guys rate?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
C.

MICHAEL
D plus.

WEAPON M
(grinning)
B minus.
Guess she say the size of my package
and bumped up the number.

MICHAEL
Me too… only the other way…
(hangs head)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But y’know they said they’re
putting us on a diet or something.

WEAPON M
Yeah, I know. That sucks…

MICHAEL
Uh. Should we be thinking of
a way to get out of here?

WEAPON M
Why?

MICHAEL
‘cause we’re trapped in a place and are going to be
used as studs for some crazy Sheilas bent
on repopulating the world.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re point being?

WEAPON M
Yeah, shut up, Michael.

MICHAEL
Plus I’m Australian and this is obviously an American place.
Why would I want to help the bloody Americans repopulate
the world? If anything, I’d rather prefer -

The door hisses open and DOCTOR MORRIS is escorted into the room.

DOCTOR MORRIS
It seems DOCTOR MANN would prefer to have you three
begin immediately on your duties. To give us a baseline
reading to ensure maximum output.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So we’re getting laid?

DOCTOR MORRIS
(roll eyes)
Yes.

WEAPON M
Oh, hell yeah.

INT. – OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR MANN and DOCTOR MORRIS are standing in the observation room, there’s a monitor before them and from it all sorts of grunts, squealing, hooting, and bellowing can be heard. DOCTOR MANN looks at it in interest.

DOCTOR MANN
This is Subject One, correct?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Correct. He’s very amorous…

DOCTOR MANN
Well, one should hope so. Seeing as
we filled his request for. What was it?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Hot, stacked, and blonde.

DOCTOR MANN
Well, it seems we have a winner here.
How about Subject Two?

The monitor flickers and we see MICHAEL huddling in a corner. A woman sits on a bed, looking bored.

DOCTOR MANN
What happened here?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Well, the subject was anxious.

DOCTOR MANN
Anxious?

DOCTOR MORRIS
(slightly embarrassed)
Let’s just say that is his trousers were a
woman, it’d be well nigh impregnated.

DOCTOR MANN
(long pause)
I see…
(another long pause)
How far- ?

DOCTOR MORRIS
He never reached the bed.

DOCTOR MANN shakes her head and marks it down in her clipboard.

DOCTOR MANN
What about the third subject?

DOCTOR MORRIS
The other one…
He’s currently on deck. With a subject we found to his liking.

DOCTOR MORRIS pulls out a binder, battered and frayed at the edges.

DOCTOR MORRIS
We found this on the shuttlepod.

Pull in on the binder and we see it covered in pink hearts with the name, ALYSON written inside of them.

DOCTOR MORRIS
We did a search and found a match.

DOCTOR MANN
Interesting…

DOCTOR MORRIS
Unfortunately, even with a subject to his liking. He’s having some issues…

DOCTOR MANN
Issues?
What kind of issues?

INT. – BEDROOM 2 – DAY

A bored ALYSON HANNIGAN can be seen in the Background, while in the foreground we see a hunched over PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I swear! This has never happened before!
(to crotch)
Damn it.
This is your time to shine!
Come on! Come on!
You’ve been waiting for this forever!
Come on!
(a beat)
Please….

Fade out as sobbing begins.

INT. – OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR MANN
I see…

DOCTOR MORRIS
He’s been doing that all morning.

DOCTOR MANN
(frowning)
At this rate we’ll get nothing from him too.
Have you tried the stimulant?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Yes, with… unfortunate results.

DOCTOR MANN
(sighing)
Well, there must be a way to get this done.

DOCTOR MORRIS
May I suggest a different alternative for the two?
Something I’ve been working on…

DOCTOR MANN
(interested)
What’s that?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Let me just say, it’s going to generate results.

INT. – OAKLAND BREEDING CENTER – SPA – DAY

WEAPON M is sitting in a spa, a gleeful look on his face.

Another person walks in, looks around and spots him.

GUY
Hey, you’re new here, aren’t you?

WEAPON M
Yeah.

GUY
Where’d you come from?

WEAPON M
Space.

GUY
(nods)
My name’s Thermopylae.

WEAPON M
Rather ungainly name, ain’t it?

THERMOPYLAE
Well, my parents really didn’t like me.

WEAPON M
Name’s Lee.
Nice to meet you.

THERMOPYLAE
Word is that you came from another universe.

WEAPON M
Word is correct.

THERMOPYLAE
Are you guys gonna go back there?

WEAPON M
The other unverse?
Well, I’m never heading back to my home universe.

THERMOPYLAE
Are things better out there?

WEAPON M
Look, kid. You got it pretty sweet here. All the girls
you can bang, free housing, free good. What’s not to love?

THERMOPYLAE
Well… You see I read a lot –

WEAPON M
Man, that sucks.

THERMOPYLAE (cont.)
And there’s got to be a better life than being used
as a stud to father as many children as I can.

WEAPON M
Guess you guys never heard of artificial insemination?

THERMOPYLAE
Yeah, we have it. Just that they start you off with
the real thing first and then switch you over later…

WEAPON M
Really?
So you’re not getting any tail, beyond your own hand?

THERMOPYLAE
Yeah…
(sighs)
So, if you guys are leaving, can I go with you?

WEAPON M
Dude I don’t think we’ll be leaving willingly anytime
soon, well, at least until they switch us over, of course…

THERMOPYLAE
OH…
(sighs)
It’s about lunchtime.

WEAPON M
Sweet. What’s for lunch?
Ribs? Steak?

THERMOPYLAE
Steak? Never had it before.

WEAPON M
What?

THERMOPYLAE
Nah, all we get is protein and concentrated vitamins
to help in production. It’s all they care about, Production.

WEAPON M
What? No beer too?

THERMOPYLAE
Nope.

WEAPON M
Aw, shit.

INT. – LAB – DAY

A close in shot of wide-eyed PSYCHOMETLDOWN. the two women are standing before the table.

DOCTOR MANN
Are you sure about this?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Oh, I’ve been testing it on monkeys and the results are… quantitative.

DOCTOR MANN
But the hormones…
won’t they cause side effects in the product?

DOCTOR MORRIS
No. no. no. It’s all safe.
I’ve run all the scans, checked the code.
It’s all good.

DOCTOR MANN
(intrigued)
If we can do this to all the Studs, then we can
ramp up production, at least ten fold.

DOCTOR MORRIS
(grinning)
My thoughts exactly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(drowsy)
What? I thought I was gonna get laid.

DOCTOR MANN
We have a better solution to that problem.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What problem? I was getting ready to lay down my game…

DOCTOR MANN
Rrrright.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Seriously.

DOCTOR MORRIS
Fortunately we’ve found a timely solution to your… problem.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What problem…
I don’t get it.

The two women look at one another.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You said something about a solution?

DOCTOR MORRIS
I’m sure you can see it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN raises his head and suddenly gapes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
OH MY GOD!
MY NUTS!
What have you done to my nuts!

DOCTOR MORRIS
We’ve increased their capacity to provide the material required.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But my nuts!
They’re fuckin’ enormous!

DOCTOR MORRIS
Unfortunately we don’t have the technology to remove your
reproductive bits, therefore we had to resort to… imaginative solutions.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But MY NUTS!
MY Precious NUTS!

DOCTOR MANN
I think it’s time to begin the procedure…

DOCTOR MORRIS
(grins)
My pleasure.

A button is hit and a humming fills the air. A large mechanical arm descends from the ceiling.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to the women)
This’ll feel good right???

DOCTOR MORRIS
Erm… nine out ten of the monkeys this
was tested on, went insane and died.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Of what?

DOCTOR MORRIS
The pain.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh.
(a beat)
and the last one?

DOCTOR MORRIS
Died also.
From the pleasure.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, god. You got to be kidding me!

DOCTOR MANN
(a moment’s pause)
The risk is acceptable. After all we’ll be
able to extract more from the Studs than before.

The mechanical arm descends.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.
Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.

Pull out of the lab as screams begin.

DOCTOR MANN (VO)
Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.

DOCTOR MORRIS (VO)
Subject Two should be waking up about now.

DOCTOR MANN (VO)
Excellent.

INT. – ROOM – DAY

MICHAEL looks around and walks to the door, putting his ear to it.

He can hear the oncoming footsteps.

GUARD (outside door)
Nah, this one’s weak and spineless.
I can handle him myself. Just need to stick
him with this sedative and all will be well.

MICHAEL looks round and hefts a bedpan, moving toward the door and stand against the wall.

The door opens slowly and a person walks in.

GUARD
Where?

MICHAEL suddenly jumps from behind the door and hits the female guard with the bedpan. There’s a thunk and the woman falls to the floor.

MICHAEL
Pfft. Spineless?
I was a security goon on the ship.
(strips woman of nightstick and syringe full of sedative)

INT. – LUNCH ROOM – DAY

WEAPON M has a look of disgust on his face.

WEAPON M
This is our food?

THERMOPYLAE
Yep. It’s quiet tasty… actual it doesn’t taste like much.
But you can shape it into objects and it’ll stay like that for a while…

WEAPON M
Damn…

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

MICHAEL is moving down the corridor, nightstick and sedative in hand. Up ahead is a small security office, the door is open and we can see a security officer doing some paperwork.

MICHAEL
Hey!

The guard looks up and stares in surprise as the nightstick is hurled at her. She ducks and MICHAEL swoops in, sticking her with the sedative. She knocks out instantly.

MICHAEL rummages and pulls out a ring of keys, a pistol, and extra clips.

MICHAEL
Damn I’m good.

He walks over to a computer terminal and begins tapping away at the keys.

MICHAEL
Not only am I a security goon, but I know computers.

A moment later the screen is showing various camera views.

A Cafeteria shot shows WEAPON M staring sadly at his food.

Another shot shows a sobbing PSYCHOMELTDOWN curled up in a bed.

Another image shows the shuttlepod sitting in what appears to be a helicopter pad.

MICHAEL
Oh, this is convenient.

MICHAEL leans forward and pulls a map off the wall. Showing all the room s and areas.

MICHAEL
There’s Psycho’s room. Damn, it’s close by.
Guess I’ll have to rescue him…
There’s the cafeteria…
There’s the helicopter pad.

He gets up, sticks the gun in his waist band, pockets the clips, and experimentally swings the nightstick.

MICHAEL
Here we go. Aussie to the rescue.

INT. – PSYCHO’S ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is curled up in his bed, weeping.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, god. The pain…

There’s a banging on the door and the sound of the lock.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pulls the covers over his head, sobbing even louder.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Go away!

MICHAEL
Hey, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pulls the cover off his head and looks at MICHAEL.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit, it’s you.
But how?

MICHAEL
Hey, I’m a security goon. What did you expect?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re complete incompetence?

MICHAEL
Go to hell. You can stay here.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No. No. Take me with you!

MICHAEL
Then let’s go.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pulls off his covers.

MICHAEL
Holy shit!
What the hell happened to you!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’d rather not talk about it…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY stomps in, looking tired and angry.

DIAMOND is sitting at a table, sipping a beer.

DIAMOND
You look like crap.
But then again that’s normal.

DAVE HOWERY
Have you seen frigging Psychomeltdown?

DIAMOND
Nah, figured he was hiding from me
‘cause he owed me ten bucks.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve scoured the ship for the last day.

DIAMOND
Man, you really do know how to past the time.

DAVE HOWERY (cont.)
And I haven’t found him, nor Michael.

MATT
Yeah, Lee’s been missing too. I say Luakel playing in the
armory and usually Lee keeps that place shut tight.

DIAMOND
Weird huh?

DAVE HOWERY
Now, that you mentioned it. There is a shuttle missing.

DIAMOND
How can you tell? We go through like forty of them a week.

DAVE HOWERY
I know my shuttles.

MATT
Yeah. So how did we lose three of our crew?

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe it was on the last universe?

MATT
But we were there only for a couple of minutes.

DAVE HOWERY
Enough time to launch a shuttle.

MATT
Plus when Lee drinks, he likes to pass out in a shuttle.
And Michael and Psycho were complaining
about not going on any away missions.

DIAMOND
Well, the question now is: do we really care if they’re missing?

A long silence descends upon the table.

MATT
Well, we need Lee.

DAVE HOWERY
He’s right.

DIAMOND
Yeah.

MATT
Guess we tell Doc that Lee’s missing?

DAVE HOWERY
Let’s go.

INT. – OAKLAND BREEDING CENTER – CORRIDOR – DAY

MICHAEL is leading the way, PSYCHOMELTDOWN is waddling a bit behind.

MICHAEL
Damn it.
Hurry up!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Screw you, I’m moving as fast as I can.

MICHAEL
I’m so gonna leave you behind.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN begins waddling faster.

MICHAEL
There’s the cafeteria.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s amazing that the alarms haven’t gone off yet…

Suddenly the alarms begin blaring.

MICHAEL
Sometimes you need to just stay quiet.

MICHAEL kicks open the Cafeteria door.

MICHAEL
Hey, Lee! We’re getting out of here.

WEAPON M
Oh, awesome.

THERMOPYLAE
Take me with you.

WEAPON M
Hurry up then.

WEAPON M and THERMOPYLAE hurry out of the cafeteria.

MICHAEL
Who’s the kid?

THERMOPYLAE
I’m escaping with you guys.

WEAPON M grabs the gun from MICHAEL, along with the clips.

WEAPON M
Gonna hurt yourself.

MICHAEL
Hey, I’m the one rescuing your arse.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, then let’s go.

WEAPON M and THERMOPYLAE turn to PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

WEAPON M
Holy shit.
What happened to you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t want to talk about it.

THERMOPYLAE
Good God, are those your nuts?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shut up! Let’s go!

Behind them they can here footsteps running.

The three begin running, PSYCHOMELTDOWN waddling after them.

INT. – CENTER CONTROL AREA – DAY

DOCTOR MORRIS and DOCTOR MANN are there.

DOCTOR MANN
We cannot allow them to escape.

DOCTOR MORRIS
I understand

DOCTOR MANN
Capture them. Or kill them.

DOCTOR MORRIS
(hesitant)
I understand.

EXT. – BREEDING CENTER – HELIPAD – DAY

There is a shoot out. The three AH.commers and THERMOPYLAE are huddle behind some crates, WEAPON M occasionally firing off a shot.

WEAPON M
Damn, running low on ammo.

Not far from them is the shuttle pod. But it’s on open ground, there are more guards swarming the place.

WEAPON M
We’ll be surrounded in a moment.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought they wanted us alive. They can’t get material if we’re dead.

THERMOPYLAE
Better we’re all dead then fall into some other nation’s hand.

MICHAEL
What?

THERMOPYLAE
There are only a few men left in the world of breeding age.
This whole place is in a race to repopulate the world. Those
with the biggest numerical advantage will dominate in the
next generation.

WEAPON M
Damn, ain’t that grand.

MICHAEL
Okay, Lee you provide covering fire. I’ll get to the shuttlepod,
open the hatch and prime the engines. You guys then follow.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sure you ain’t gonna leave us behind?

MICHAEL
You think I’d do that?

Long silence from everyone.

WEAPON M
Damn it. Just do it.

MICHAEL crouches as WEAPON M begins firing shots at the incoming guards, who all scamper for cover. MICHAEL bolts for the shuttle, a few shots sparking on the pavement behind him.

He does a shoulder roll the last couple of yards and comes up slapping the access panel. After a moment the hatch slides open, MICHAEL jumping in, bullets sparking the hull.

WEAPON M
Psycho you’re next.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay. Okay.
(taking deep breath)
I can do this…
I can…

WEAPON M
RUN!
(begins firing at guards)

PSYCHOMETLDOWN hops up and begins waddling fiercely at the shuttle, bullets spark the ground around him and just as he reaches the shuttlepod he gets struck.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Aw, shit!
I’ve been shot in the ass!

MICHAEL drags PSYCHOMELTDOWN the rest of the way in.

DOCTOR MORRIS
SWARM THEM! DON’T LET THEM ESCAPE!

WEAPON M
Aw, hell. That don’t sound good.
Be ready to run, Thermo.

THERMOPYLAE
Gotcha.

Pull back and we see scores of guard rushing the position of WEAPON M and THERMOPYLAE and the shuttle.

WEAPON M and THERMOPYLAE jump up and race for the shuttlepod. The guards open up, WEAPON M fires blindly, taking down a few.

He jumps into the shuttlepod.

He looks around and doesn’t see THERMOPYLAE.

WEAPON M
Damn it.

WEAPON M looks out the hatch and sees THERMOPYLAE lying on the pavement, clutching his ankle.

THERMOPYLAE
Help!

MICHAEL
Damn it. We gotta go!

WEAPON M looks indecisive for a moment but shakes his head.

WEAPON M
Sorry, kid.
(he shut the hatch)

The shuttlepod rises off the helipad, as the guards fire at it and the rest converge upon THERMOPYLAE, nightsticks rising and falling.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD enters the CF.net Control Room and takes his seat.

GRIMM REAPER looks up.

GRIMM REAPER
Orders sir?

WARD
Set course for a universe.

GRIMM REAPER
What kind?

WARD
It doesn’t matter.
I feel like destroying something.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Activating shift engines.

WARD continues to stare at the viewscreen.

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD – DAY

WEAPON M, sits in the co pilot seat.

WEAPON M
These guys have an advanced space force. We’ll have to evade them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Come on, this is a highly advanced shuttle.
What do they have that can match it?

Suddenly the shuttle shakes.

MICHAEL
(reading instrument panel)
We’ve been hit by some kind of energy weapon.
Shields are gone. One more hit and we’ll be dead in the water.
(to Psycho)
and next time, shut up!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the shuttle pod, and we see scores of ships converging upon it, firing away. The shuttlepod dodges the blasts and keeps running.

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD – DAY

MICHAEL
You know we don’t know where we’re running to, right?

WEAPON M
As long as we get away from that fucked up
place and get some beer and steaks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The ship will come back, right?

MICHAEL
Shut up, Psycho.

Suddenly an alarm begins blaring and in the port windows we see a huge vortex appear.

MICHAEL
Well, I’ll be buggered.
It’s the AH.com ship.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.com ship appear.

The perusing ships suddenly peel off, but not before firing off a salvo of weapons.

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD – DAY

MICHAEL
Aw, crap. We can’t dodge that!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the shuttlepod detonate as it’s hit by the salvo.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

G.BONE, swaddled in bandages and leaning heavily on the console looks at the three.

G.BONE
Weapon M’s on, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, good.

G.BONE
So are Psycho and Michael.
(silence)
Welcome back, guys.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy crap, what happened to you?

G.BONE
I don’t wanna talk about it.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR MANN fills the screen.

DOCTOR MANN
We could provide all needs of your crew. All you need to do
is come down and take a few tests and any woman can be yours.

The Control Room crew look at one another in disbelief.

DOCTOR WHAT
You mean, any woman?

DOCTOR MANN
Yes, any woman.

GBW
I could finally have sex..

DOCTOR MANN
So what do you say?

WEAPON M enters the Control Room.

WEAPON M
Don’t listen to her, Doc.
They just want you for breeding purposes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Breeding?
But that still means we get laid, right?

DOCTOR MANN nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
It can’t be all that bad…

KIT
Yeah, but how would you like to know that you’re a father?

A heavy silence fills the Control Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW. Set course for out of here.
Warp seven.

GBW
Gotcha.

Fade out.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA stands, arms folded, lips pursed, obviously thinking.

TORQUMADA
I think I can just cut them off and regrow them…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No! Keep anything knife like away from my jewels!

TORQUMADA
Would be simpler.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No!

TORQUMADA
(sighing)
Well, there’s another way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Do that!

TORQUMADA
You sure?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn straight!

TORQUMADA
(grins)
Excellent.

Pull out as screams fill the Med Bay.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

A vortex opens and it shoots out the Flagship Ponter.

Pull out and we see a large space station sitting above a barren looking earth.

INT. – SPACE STATION – DAY

ATTA, ADIKOR, and several other guards exit a hatch and stomp down a long dimly lit corridor.

They come to a hatch that automatically opens to reveal a brightly lit place. Around them are electronic and technological gadgets, music is playing, and it gives a feel of an electronic store. There are signs every where, most reading SALE.

The Neanderthals look about, obviously impressed.

ATTA leads the way to an area with a sign that reads: CUSTOMER SERVICE.

At the counter is a woman. She smiles at the Neanderthals.

WOMAN
Welcome to Kilngirl’s Tech Shoppe.
I’m Kilngirl.
Feel free to look around.

ATTA
Actually we’re here to talk to you.

KILNGIRL
Little ol’ me?
I feel so honored.

ATTA
I hear you’re the person to ask, to come to,
when it comes to anything technological?

KILNGIRL
Well, whoever says that is telling the truth.
There is nothing I’ve not been able to handle.

ADIKOR pulls out a gun.

ATTA
Good, because you’re coming with us.

KILNGIRL
(sighs)
I knew I should have really bought that security system…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS