TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- REC ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the room. Several members of the crew can be seen relaxing in various ways. WEAPON M is playing a game of Centipede on a big game console. HENDRYK is watching Chinese porn on a big plasma TV. The camera stops on a huge table in the middle of the room. DIAMOND stands at one end of the table, DAVE HOWERY at the other end. The table is a holographic wargames board, and the battle of Gettysburg is playing out on it. DIAMOND, the Union commander, presses a couple of buttons on his panel, and some of his units shuffle around his line.

DIAMOND
Well, Dave, I don’t know where you’ve been
spending your resource points, but you sure
haven’t been getting extra troops. Your charge
is doomed, just like the real Pickett.

DAVE HOWERY smiles and pushes a button on his own console. The camera pans to the games table. On it, tiny holographic Confederate soldiers can be seen charging at Cemetary Ridge. The charge carries all before it; the Union line is shattered, and broken units flee off the edge of the board. The camera pans back to DIAMOND, who looks stunned.

DIAMOND
But… how… what?!?

DAVE HOWERY
If you had been paying attention, you’d have noticed
that desertion among your units has quadrupled over
the last few hours. All of your units were half strength or less.

DIAMOND
How the hell did you manage that?!

DAVE HOWERY
Didn’t you see those units I’d been
building at the edge of the board?

DIAMOND looks down closely at the board; several small gray units can be seen at the west side. DIAMOND pushes a button, and the units grow in size until they can be seen clearly. The units are depicted as scantily clad women waving whiskey bottles and blowing kisses.

DIAMOND
Camp followers?! You spent all
your resource points on hookers?!

DAVE HOWERY
Yep. Your troops have been deserting since
last night. Booze and cooze, the bane of all
armies since the Pharaoh’s time. Well, that’s
the game. Better luck next time.
Now pay up, bucko.

Sighing, DIAMOND pulls out a wad of crumpled ones and fives and pushes it toward DAVE HOWERY, who take a moment to count it.

DAVE HOWERY leaves the room looking smug. DIAMOND looks down at the table again, rather grumpily.

DIAMOND
I really gotta start reading the rules more closely.
(looks down at the table again)
Now, I was some booze and hookers…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“CULT OF THE SWAMP GOD”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE

The camera opens up in a view of Earth from high orbit. However, this Earth looks nothing like the one on most timelines. The landmasses and oceans are shaped completely different from what we know. The camera pans to the right, and a wormhole is seen opening. The AH.COM emerges from it and settles into orbit around the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the bridge, showing several of the crew at their stations. The camera cuts to DR. WHAT, sitting in his command chair and looking at the planet on the viewscreen.

DR. WHAT
Whoa! This Earth is really different!
What the heck happened to the continents
on this timeline? LEO, what do you detect?

LEO CAESIUS
This world is… strange. The cultural level on the planet’s
surface seems to be solidly medieval, but there are hundreds
of satellites in orbit. And I’m getting some strange readings
from the planet. I think…uh oh… another computer is trying
to bypass me and make use of my speakers!

A strange voice suddenly issues from the speakers.

VOICE
Participants selected. Generating statistics.

The crew members all look at each other in confusion.

DMA
Eh… participants? In what?

HENDRYK
I’m hoping its amateur interracial porn filming,
but what’re the odds we’d be so lucky?

DR. WHAT
LEO? You all right?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. The other computer only wanted to
deliver that one message and then left…
WARNING! VORTEX OPENING!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The camera shows the AH.COM in a far shot. Another wormhole is opening nearby. After a moment, the CF.NET emerges from it, settling into an orbit just behind and above the other ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHOP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT rises out of his chair in surprise.

DR. WHAT
How the hell did they find us?!

GBW
Crap! They must have been hiding somewhere on
the last timeline we were on, and took a reading of
the vortex we made getting here… that’d give
them enough data to follow us.

DR. WHAT starts to say something, but stops as the viewscreen changes scenes. WARD and the CF.NET crew can be seen sneering at him.

WARD
So, Bruno, you thought to elude me again.
Don’t you realize by now that I can always
find you… and you will pay this…

WARD stops talking and looks up in puzzlement as the same mysterious voice sounds over the speakers on his ship.

VOICE
Participants selected. Generating statistics.

WARD looks confused for a moment, then shakes his head, and looks back out the viewscreen at DR. WHAT.

WARD
No matter. Kiss your ass goodbye, boy.
You’re finally going to…

Suddenly, DR. WHAT, TORQUMADA, and FLOCCULENCIO vanish from the control room, simply disappearing right in front of everyone. WARD can be seen going slack with surprise, and he gets up out of his chair, and then he, MERRY PRANKSTER, DOMINUS NOVUS, and ROMULUS AGUSTULUS are all seen to vanish as well.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera shows PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DAVE HOWERY each holding clipboards and checking various dials in the room. The camera pans over to PSYCHOMELTDOWN. A loud clatter is heard off camera. PSYCHOMELTDOWN turns and sees only a clipboard on the floor. He looks around puzzled, but DAVE HOWERY is nowhere in sight.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

LANDSHARK is shown tied face down, gagged, and spread eagled on a huge 4 posted bed, while IRON YUPPIE is spanking him with a leather strap. The camera switches to LANDSHARK’S face; he looks simultaneously happy and in pain as the smacking of the strap is heard off camera. Suddenly, all sounds cease, except for a soft thud. LANDSHARK twists his head around and looks, but sees only the leather strap on the floor. IRON YUPPIE has also vanished.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The remaining crew are looking around in total surprise.

MATT
What… LEO! What the hell happened?!

LEO CAESIUS
A transporter signal went right through
our shields and took five of the crew!
It happened so fast, I barely detected it.

SCARECROW
(seen on the viewscreen)
What the… where’d they go?

OTHNIEL
Chances are everyone is down on the surface.
What say we hold off trying to kill each other
until we find out just what is going on?

The CF.NET crew can be seen on the viewscreen looking at each other for a moment, and they all nod.

GRIMM REAPER
Agreed. But if we find you’re behind all this, you’ll
wish you were dead before we kill you!

MATT
Yeah, yeah, you’re big and bad, yadda yadda.
Whatever. If we find out anything, we’ll let you know.

MATT hits a button on the captain’s chair, and the viewscreen switches back to a view of the planet.

MATT
Okay, LEO, can you find them?

LEO CAESIUS
No. Ship’s scanners are unable to get through
to the surface now. When our crew went missing,
an energy shield sprang up.
We can’t teleport or scan through it.

WEAPON M
Damn it. A whole planet, and they could be anywhere
on it. How are we going to find them?

EXT. – THE COUNTY OF SUNNDI- DAY

The camera opens on a pastoral scene of wide fields, trees, and bushes. The camera pans across this scene of natural beauty, and stops when a hedge of thick bushes comes into view. Several groaning sounds are heard, the noise of someone shuffling amongst dead leaves, and the missing crewmembers from the AH.COM stand up from behind the hedge. They have all been given a new wardrobe and equipment, and they look at each other in shock. DR. WHAT is wearing long robes with stars and crescent moons on them, and has a tall pointy hat. TORQUMADA is wearing chain mail over a long tunic, has a sun symbol on a chain around his neck, and has a big metal mace hanging at his belt. FLOCCULENCIO is wearing dark leather armor and black clothing, and has a hooded cloak; a saber and dagger are on his belt. DAVE HOWERY is wearing dappled green and brown leather armor and green clothing; he has a long bow and quiver on his back, and two short swords on his belt. Most strange of all, his ears are now pointed. IRON YUPPIE is dressed only in knee high boots and a skimpy bikini made out of fur. A huge two-handed sword is strapped to her back. The five look at each other in amazement, and simultaneously say, “What the fuck?!”

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The remaining crew members are seen at their stations, looking busy and worried.

GREY WOLF
LEO, what are the chances of our scanners
burning through the shield down there?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m trying to tighten up the beam so we can do just that.
I need a few more minutes. Oh, by the way, Wolf, you r
ealize that with the Doc gone and
out of contact, you’re in charge of the ship?

GREY WOLF
I… uh… oh no!

GREY WOLF’S eyes roll back in his head, and he faints.

MATT
Well, that’s just great.
So, who’s third in command?

WEAPON M
That’d be LANDSHARK, but no one can find him.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

LANDSHARK is seen struggling against his bonds and gag, unable to move, speak, or free himself.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

MATT
Okay, who’s fourth in command?

MICHAEL
Well, DAVE HOWERY would be, but he’s missing too.

MATT
Oy… okay, fifth?

WEAPON M
Uh… damn… that’d be me.

MATT
Congratulations, boss. Better you than me.

WEAPON M
Well, at least I…

The lights in the control room suddenly dim, and the voice is heard on the speakers again.

VOICE
Interference by spectators is not allowed during a game.
Please cease all attempts at transporter activity during
the duration. If you wish to watch the game, please turn
your communicator device to channel 3772.

The lights go back on. MATT twists a dial on the captain’s chair. The viewscreen lights up with a typical computer menu screen, and the message “The game will begin in 10 minutes.” MATT looks closely at the menu options, and the camera switches to his POV. The camera closes in one option that reads “About Us.” MATT moves the cursor to this option and clicks it.

The viewscreen switches to what is obviously a previously taped promotional video. A man with white hair and beard is seen smiling.

MAN
Hi, I’m E. GARY GYGAX, president and owner of The Adventure Planet Limited.
Our facility is widely known across the multi-verse as the finest fantasy gaming
platform on any timeline. We have spared no expense to bring you the most
convincing recreation of a magical world that is possible. Extensive terraforming
has made this planet a perfect place for live action role playing. Everything from
jungles to caverns to deserts, any gaming environment you desire can be found here.
Our underground genetic laboratories can create any creature or NPC you desire.
Dragons, centaurs, orc hordes, 4 breasted Pamela Andersons, anything at all. Just
list the creatures desired when you download your adventure outline, and they will
be ready to go by the time your game starts! And they are real, not holographs, not
animatronics… actual living creatures. The Adventure Planet Limited has the latest
in technology to create the ultimate in gaming. Magnetic fields, force fields, tractor
beams, holographs, antigravity devices, chemical and electrical processes… all are
used to simulate magic and combat. The latest in medical nanobots are used for
healing on command. We even use subvocal subliminal messaging to give the
players clues that their characters would know, even if the players themselves
don’t pick up on them. Yes, folks, The Adventure Planet is the ultimate gaming
experience. The monsters are real, the weapons are real, the wounds will be real…
but the fun is real too. Whether you like to watch others in their games or participate
in one yourself as a player or just an NPC, The Adventure Planet is the place for you.
To make a reservation for a game on our facility, contact us on timeline 27774.8….

MATT closes the link, and the viewscreen reverts to the menu, with a note now that the game will begin in 7 minutes.

WEAPON M
So… this whole planet… is a goddamn LARP?!

MATT
A real nasty one; real monsters, real weapons, real wounds.
Crap. Doc and the others have no idea what they’re getting into.

EXT. – COUNTY OF SUNNDI- DAY

The ‘adventurers’ are looking at their strange gear and clothes, and the four men are stealing frequent glances at IRON YUPPIE in her bikini.

IRON YUPPIE
How the hell did we get here?!
And where is here anyway?!
Would you all stop staring at me?!!

DR. WHAT
Uh, sorry. I’m not sure, but judging from the lack of
development here, I guess we’re on the surface of the
planet. And…. damn. Dave, what happened to your ears?

DAVE HOWERY reaches up and feels his now pointy ears. A look of horror goes across his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Ahhh!! I’ve been made into a freak!!

DR. WHAT
I think you’re supposed to be an elf.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that’s what I said, a freak! What the hell kind of
Tolkien wankfest world have we been tossed into?!

FLOCCULENCIO
Uh, guys, have a look at this.

Everyone turns to look at him. He is standing by a short stone pillar with a cloth covering something on top of it. Five backpacks are leaning up against it. FLOCCULENCIO takes the cloth off, and we see a small black box with a speaker and a big red button.

He pushes the button. The mysterious voice is heard on the speaker.

VOICE
Welcome adventurers! Your quest on The Adventure Planet
is about to begin! This message will be your only background,
so please listen closely. You are in the south border militia of
the County of Sunndi, near the village of Rana. You have been
sent here on the personal orders of the Count himself. Villagers
have been disappearing in the area for months, never to be heard
from again. Just days ago, the daughter of the Count was taken
as she was traveling near the border. It is feared that the dreaded
worshippers of Wastri, the Hopping Prophet are responsible. Your
task is to investigate the matter, find the missing girl, and put an
end to the cult. Rana lies just to the south, near the
edge of the Vast Swamp. Good luck.

The party members look at each other in disbelief.

TORQUMADA
What the hell… this is all some kind of friggin’ game?!

He looks at the sky.

TORQUMADA
Hey! Whoever the hell you are up there!
We didn’t sign up for this! Get us the hell out of here!

Silence.

DR. WHAT
Well, this is just great. We’re supposed to go traipsing
in a swamp in this Renaissance Faire stuff and look for
some missing girl? Well, the hell with that. I say we sit
here and wait for the crew to rescue us.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh, doc, I think we better do what the tape says. I don’t think
we’re getting out of here unless we ‘win’ this game. If the
crew was able to rescue us, don’t you think they would have
by now? What if they simply can’t? Do we dare just sit
around and hope they will? If they can’t, it’s best we don’t
waste any time, and get this whole thing over with, the sooner the better.

DR. WHAT
Well… crap. You’re right, I guess.
Hmm… let’s check out these backpacks.

Each member of the party walks over and picks up a backpack, each seemingly knowing already which one is for them. Rummaging through the packs, the players all pull a large envelope out. They open them and look at the pages inside.

FLOCCULENCIO
(reading aloud)
“Welcome to the game! These are your character background notes”.
Hey! I’m a thief! I can pick locks, it says here, and hide in the shadows.
(looks angry)
It’s because I’m Indian, right?

DR. WHAT
Ooh! I’m a mage! I have a spellbook here somewhere.

DR. WHAT rummages in his pack and pulls out a huge book with a leather cover. He flips through the pages.

DR. WHAT
Fireball… raise dead… charm… hey, that last one will
be handy if we run into any cute barmaids.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah right. This is a LARP game. You’re not going
to have any more luck than you would on your own.
You don’t really think you can cast real magic, do you?

DR. WHAT
Let’s try this one… lessee… gotta say this
phrase while waving my hands just… so…

DR. WHAT waves his hands and wiggles his fingers in a complicated pattern and chants a phrase of seeming gibberish. He stops and looks around expectantly, but nothing seems to happen.

DAVE HOWERY
Told ya. Yeah, LARPS are fun, I suppose,
but there isn’t any real magic to… look out!

Everyone looks up in the sky briefly, then scatter in panic. The camera pulls back, and a huge shadow is seen where the party was just standing. A massive rock slams into the ground, obliterating the area. The camera switches back to FLOCCULENCIO, TORQUMADA, and DAVE HOWERY, who get back to their feet, looking in shock at the meteorite.

TORQUMADA
Son of a…. BITCH!! This place is frickin’ deadly.
We’re really going to have to be careful.

A low repetitive thudding sound is heard, and the three look around. The camera switches to their POV. IRON YUPPIE is sitting on DR. WHAT’S chest, hands around his throat, and is repeatedly thumping his head on the ground.

IRON YUPPIE
DON”T… EVER… DO… THAT… AGAIN!!

DR. WHAT is unable to respond, as his face is turning blue, and his eyes are bulging out of his head. Eventually, IRON YUPPIE gets tired and lets him go.

DR. WHAT
(raspy harsh voice)
Uh… sorry… had no idea that would work like that.
So, what are you anyway, a barbarian-ette of some kind?

IRON YUPPIE
Yeah… a shield maiden of the Ice Barbarians, says here.
Damn gamer geeks, dressing me like this. My belly is
freezing, I’m getting a furry wedgie, and this damn bikini top is too tight.

TORQUMADA looks at his character sheet.

TORQUMADA
I’m a cleric of some guy named Pelor. God of the sun.
I can heal wounds and call down the wrath of the gods
on evildoers. Well, that doesn’t sound like much fun.
Oh well, at least I have this big metal club to bash
people with. What about you, Dave?

DAVE HOWERY
(reading sheet)
Yep, I’m a goddamn elf. Crap, I suppose that means
I have to go dancing in the woods with the leprechauns
and singing with the wood nymphs. Hmm… I’m a ranger
and I can track things and shoot a bow with incredible
accuracy. Well, sorry folks, but here in reality,
I can’t shoot a bow worth a damn.

DR. WHAT shoulders his backpack.

DR. WHAT
Well, like it or not, we’re stuck in this fantasy thing.
So, let’s go to that town… Rana?… and get the job
done so we can get the hell out of here.

DR. WHAT sets his face in a stern and determined expression, and boldly steps out into the woods.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh, Doc? South is the other way.

DR. WHAT
Oh… right. Let’s go.

The party walks off camera.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew is gathered in here on various chairs, with popcorn and sodas all around. The camera switches to the viewscreen, which changes its message to “The Game Has Begun.” The party down on the surface comes into view, just as they are setting out to the south. The crew stares wide eyed at them for a moment, and then all burst into laughter.

MATT
Would you look at them? Oh my God!
Clothing straight out of “Geeks Are Us”!

THANDE
Yeah… but… damn! Look at Yuppie!

Everyone goes quiet, staring intently at the screen for a moment. A collective murmur of ‘wow!’ and ‘ooooh!’ is heard. MICHAEL looks around the room.

MICHAEL
Where’s LANDSHARK?
He really should be here to see this.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

LANDSHARK is shown still bound and gagged on the bed. The camera closes in on his face, which is showing signs of dehydration and weariness.

EXT. – RANA- NIGHT -

The camera opens on a scene of a view of a small medieval looking village. The party walks into the scene, looking around in astonishment.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wow. They went all out on this game, didn’t they?

The party continues walking down the central street, passing villagers who look at them in wonder. However, it is obvious that the villagers are scared, and all of them are hurrying home and locking their doors. The party members look around, and notice an inn nearby. The sign in front reads “The Tipsy Frog”, and has a picture on it of a frog guzzling a mug of ale.

DR. WHAT
This looks promising.

INT. – THE TIPSY FROG- COMMON ROOM- NIGHT

The party is seen walking through the door. They see the innkeeper standing behind the counter with his back turned to them. As they walk up to him, he turns around and the party gasps in surprise. The innkeeper is obviously MERRY PRANKSTER, but he has been heavily altered. He is bald, has bulging eyes, and wears peasant clothing.

MERRY PRANKSTER
Welcome, good sirs… and good lady.
How may I serve you tonight?

DR. WHAT
You’re here too?! What’s going on?

MERRY PRANKSTER
I beg your pardon? I’m GULPH, the owner of this
establishment. Will you be needing rooms for the night?

DR. WHAT
Merry, it’s me, your old nemesis! Don’t you know me?

MERRY PRANKSTER
I beg your pardon, good sir, but I’ve never seen you
before in my life. Now, will you be needing rooms for the night?

DR. WHAT
Uh… yes… 4 please.

MERRY PRANKSTER
Very good, sirs.

As he moves to collect the coins the party puts on the counter, FLOCCULENCIO and TORQUMADA huddle together and whisper.

FLOCCULENCIO
How the hell did he get here?
And what happened to him?

TORQUMADA
Well, he’s been surgically altered and has had
his memory tampered with. Apparently, the
planet yanked him down here to be an NPC.

The party moves into the common room. No other customers are here now, but a woman is bent over the hearth, stirring something in a kettle. She stands up, and she looks a lot like GULPH… thin hair, bulging eyes, double chin, and thick belly.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Doc, want to try your Charm spell on her?

DR. WHAT
Sure… let me see…

FLOCCULENCIO
Not now, Doc. We need to get a good night’s sleep and try
to figure out what in the hell is going on around here. Although…
this place stinks… and it’s stuffy as hell in here.
Before we settle in, I want some fresh air.

EXT. – RANA- NIGHT

The party is seen walking out of the inn.

DR. WHAT
Come on, guys, I really try out this Charm spell.

IRON YUPPIE
My, you really don’t have any standards, do you?
Everyone always says so, but I never quite believed it…

She stops talking as a horrible clamor is heard just at the edge of the town. Loud booming croaks, canine howling, and deep guttural war cries are heard. The few villagers on the streets shriek in terror and run for cover. The party members all look at each other.

IRON YUPPIE
What is that racket?

DAVE HOWERY
I’d say its Significant Encounter #1. Most RPG adventures run like that.
First, you go to the place where the trouble is. Then you have Significant
Encounters, one leading to the next, until you finally get to the Final Encounter
and the Big Bad Evil Guy at the end. Well, this is the first one. Uh…
we should arm ourselves, I suppose.

TORQUMADA
All right, I get to finally bash
something with my big metal club!

FLOCCULENCIO
I have this sudden urge to hide in the shadows.

DR. WHAT
You do that… but if you see a chance to stab someone
in the back, take it. As a thief, you should be pretty good at it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Actually, that’s the way I fight in real life too…

DAVE HOWERY is seen struggling to string his longbow, IRON YUPPIE hauls out her sword, and DR. WHAT is leafing through his book. As the party members spread out across the street, the enemy comes into view. First seen are three hounds that come snarling down the street. Second are two huge frogs, the size of pigs, with claws and teeth. Last of all, seven man-like figure hop into view; these are frog-men, bipedal creatures with humanlike hands and arms, and the heads of frogs. These assorted foes see the party standing in their way, and charge to the attack.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY who awkwardly puts an arrow to his bowstring, draws it back, and fires. The arrow streaks towards one of the giant frogs. At first, it appears that it will miss widely, but it swerves in mid-flight and strikes the frog smack in the eye; it drops dead instantly. DAVE HOWERY looks on in surprise, then throws a fist in the air in triumph.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes! I made my ‘to hit’ roll!

The other frog charges at IRON YUPPIE, who brandishes her sword. As it closes, she swings several blows at it.

IRON YUPPIE
I hate this place! I hate this costume! AND I HATE FROGS!

The poor frog doesn’t have a chance.

The camera switches to TORQUMADA, who is confronted by the three hounds. He grins and hefts his mace. The dogs bark at him, and small objects fly out of their mouths and buzz angrily around TORQUMADA, stinging him.

TORQUMADA
Oh shit! Its dogs that shoot bees out
of their mouths when they bark! Ow ow ow!

As TORQUMADA jumps and slaps at the bees, the dogs crouch and prepare to attack him. But all three drop dead, one after the other, with arrows sticking out of their eyes. The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY who is hopping up and down in joy.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh yeah! I rock! I kick ass with this puppy!

The camera switches to DR. WHAT, who is reading a page in his spellbook. He looks up, holds his hand out dramatically, and chants another gibberish sounding phrase. A tiny spark of fire shoots out from his fingers. The camera follows it; it flies into the group of frog-men and explodes into a massive ball of fire. The camera switches back to DR. WHAT, who grins. He looks on happily for a moment, then his expression changes to chagrin. The camera switches back to the frog-men. They all lie dead and smoking on the ground, but the houses on both sides of the street have caught fire and are blazing away. A peasant runs out of one house shrieking in pain as his clothes are on fire.

DR. WHAT
Uh… oh damn. Sorry.

He looks at TORQUMADA, whose face and hands are swelling up from numerous bee stings.

DR. WHAT
You don’t look so good.

TORQUMADA
Yeah, but I think I can cure myself.

He closes his eyes, concentrates, and lightly runs his hands over his stings. They immediately subside and disappear.

DR. WHAT
Wow! That was neat! Say, I have this little, uh, personal
problem I picked up in a house of ill repute on timeline 3777.8…

DAVE HOWERY
(off camera)
Doc, come have a look at this.

DR. WHAT walks over to him; he is crouching next to the frog he shot, blade in hand. He slices it along the frog’s leg, exposing muscle and tendons.

DAVE HOWERY
This thing is real… no hologram, no animatronics. It has real
claws and teeth. Those frog-men had real edged knives and
swords. Damn it, Doc, this place is dangerous.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, but like you said, I don’t think we have any choice but
to finish the game. If the crew could have gotten us out of here,
they’d have done it already.

DAVE HOWERY stands up, looking unhappy, when his attention is drawn to something off camera. He points, and DR. WHAT looks. The camera switches to their POV. Far out on the hills south of the town, a fire can be seen burning.

DR. WHAT
Hmm… Significant Encounter #2?

DAVE HOWERY
Definitely. There are more of those
frog-men dancing around the fire.

DR. WHAT
Really? I can barely see the fire.

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm… elvish eyesight and all that, I guess.
Shall we head up that way?

DR. WHAT
Yeah. Anything to get this adventure over with faster.

The party groups together, and heads towards the fire in the distance.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT -

Most of the crew members are whooping and cheering and high-fiving each other.

G BONE
Yes! Our crew kicks ass even in Fantasyland!

WEAPON M is sitting in the captain’s chair. He looks worried.

WEAPON M
Well, they certainly lucked out in their first battle,
but you know it will only get worse from here.

EXT. – HESTMARK HIGHLANDS- NIGHT

The party members are seen creeping through a straggling forest of low trees and thick brush. They kneel behind a bush, and all peek up over it. The camera switches to their POV. A roaring fire is seen as the backdrop to a scene of horror. A slab of dark stone stands in the center of a circle of dancing chanting frog-men. A young woman in a skimpy slave-girl costume is tied to the slab, face away from the camera as she is watching a figure standing over her. This man is ROMULUS AGUSTULUS. Like MERRY PRANKSTER, he has been heavily altered in appearance, with bald head, bulging eyes, double chin, and thick round body build. He wears a headdress with skulls and feathers on it, and holds a long knife. He is chanting in an unknown language and waving the knife over the girl. The camera switches back to the party.

DAVE HOWERY
Yep, your typical human sacrifice scene.
Bet ya that’s our missing princess… countess… whatever.

DR. WHAT
Yeah. Hmm… okay, let’s make a plan.
There’s too many of them to just charge in there.

The camera switches back to the sacrifice scene. ROMULUS AGUSTULUS holds the knife high over his head, preparing to strike. The girl turns her head, and we see that she is a perfect copy of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. She screams in terror. The camera switches back to the party. FLOCCULENCIO stands up in shock and anger.

FLOCCULENCIO
Keira! NOOOOOooooooooo!!!

He leaps over the bush and runs up the hill towards her.

DR. WHAT
God damn damn DAMN! Okay, everyone, get ‘em!

The rest of the party bounds over the bush, charging uphill behind FLOCCULENCIO. DR. WHAT pauses to haul out his spellbook, but does a double take at IRON YUPPIE. She has her sword out and is charging the group of frog-men all by herself.

DAVE HOWERY is standing by DR. WHAT. He takes aim with his bow and fires an arrow. The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who is running recklessly up the hill. A frog-man moves to intercept him, but falls down dead with an arrow in his eye. Two more frog-men are killed in the same way, and it seems that the way is clear for him to get to the altar. Suddenly, a giant frog leaps out of the shadows and clamps its fangs onto FLOCCULENCIO’S leg. He falls down and the frog starts to maul him.

The camera switches back to DR. WHAT, who is looking in his spell book.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, gotta take out that goon with
the knife. Let’s try… Magic Missile.

DR. WHAT points a finger and chants a short phrase. A gleaming bolt of silver energy shoots out of his finger and streaks towards DRACONISNOIR… and misses, flying off into the dark.

DAVE HOWERY
For Christ’s sake Doc, that spell never misses, see it says
right there in your book, ‘never misses’… and you missed!
How did you manage that?

DR. WHAT
I… uh… well….

DAVE HOWERY runs partway up the hill, putting an arrow to his bowstring as he runs. He stops, takes aim, and fires. The camera follows the arrow as it flies up the hill and hits smack between ROMULUS AGUSTULUS‘ very surprised eyes. He staggers for a moment, and then topples backwards.

The camera switches to IRON YUPPIE, who swings her sword down hard on the shield of a frog-man, smashing it and him to the ground. The camera pulls back, and we see a mound of dead frog-men and pieces of them all around her. A handful of survivors are fleeing into the darkness.

The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who is on his back and barely holding off the giant frog’s jaws. As he struggles, a loud squishy thud is heard, and the frog collapses. FLOCCULENCIO pushes the carcass off him, and looks up to see TORQUMADA standing over him, bloody mace in hand.

TORQUMADA
Yeah! I finally got to hit something with my big metal club!

FLOCCULENCIO staggers up to his feet and limps up the hill to KEIRA. He cuts her bonds and helps her to her feet.

FLOCCULENCIO
I have saved you, KEIRA!

KEIRA massages the rope marks on her wrists for a moment and then pushes FLOCCULENCIO aside. She runs down the hill, straight into DAVE HOWERY’S arms and kisses him hard.

The camera pans across the other party members who are staring in open-mouthed shock.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

The camera pans across the crew members, who are staring at the viewscreen in open-mouthed shock.

EXT. – HESTMARK HIGHLANDS- NIGHT

KEIRA pulls back from DAVE HOWERY, who is staring at her in open-mouthed shock.

KEIRA
Oh my lord, you have slain the vile sorcerer and
saved my life! I am eternally in your debt, and
I will do anything to repay you! Anything!

DAVE HOWERY
I… uh… wha… huh?

DR. WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Oh, that was smooth.

KEIRA looks at him in adoration and hugs him tightly. DAVE HOWERY looks completely baffled for a moment. Then, a big grin goes across his face, and he takes KEIRA by the hand and starts walking away.

DAVE HOWERY
See you guys back at the inn!

FLOCCULENCIO howls in wordless fury and tries to crawl after them, but TORQUMADA is holding him down, trying to work on his wounded leg. After a brief struggle, TORQUMADA picks up his mace and thumps FLOCCULENCIO lightly on the head; he goes out like a light. TORQUMADA runs his hands lightly over the wounded leg, and it heals instantly.

The camera switches to IRON YUPPIE and DR. WHAT, who are looking at the dead ROMULUS AGUSTULUS.

DR. WHAT
If we get out of this, WARD is going to
take us apart for killing one of his men.

IRON YUPPIE
Yeah… but he looks changed, like someone
else we’ve seen recently, doesn’t he?

DR. WHAT
Yep, a lot like our friendly innkeeper and his girl.
Maybe we ought to have a chat with them. Damn,
I was hoping this adventure would be over, but it couldn’t be this easy.

DR. WHAT takes a close look at the corpse, and gasps.

DR. WHAT
Jesus! You know what he is? He’s a halfbreed,
a cross between one of those frog-men and a regular human!

The two look at each other and simultaneously say ‘Ewwwwww!!’

DR. WHAT
Oh my God! Sex with a frog-woman! Ick ick ick!

IRON YUPPIE
Yeah, that’s almost as bad as doing it with a Neanderthal.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, it… hey! It was only one time!

IRON YUPPIE
Whatever. Well, let’s haul Floc back to the inn and
get a good night’s sleep. I think we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- MORNING

Most of the crew members left on the ship are wandering back into the room, obviously short on sleep. WEAPON M is sitting in the captain’s chair, coffee mug in hand, and has obviously been there all night.

GBW
So, what’d we miss?

WEAPON M
Well, it turned out that the innkeeper and his ugly daughter
were spies for the cult of Wastri. Doc used his Charm spell
on them to get information. They drew him a nice map of
the cult’s base of operations, somewhere in the hills.
They’re heading out that way now.

KIT
Okay. So, did Doc and that ugly half frog girl, uh, get together?

WEAPON M
Of course. Have you ever known him to pass up a chance for it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hell no. You know though… as dangerous as this place is,
despite the chance of real death and dismemberment…
they look like they’re having fun.
(beat)
Speaking of perverted fun, anyone ever find LANDSHARK?

WEAPON M
Nope… hope he’s all right.

KIT
Yeah, someone should really look for him.

No one moves.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

We see LANDSHARK still tied up and gagged. He’s extremely pale and dehydrated, and is making faint whimpering noises.

EXT. – HESTMARK HIGHLANDS- DAY

The party is seen trudging through low forested hills. DR. WHAT looks strangely pleased, TORQUMADA and IRON YUPPIE look tired, FLOCCULENCIO has a haunted look in his eyes, and DAVE HOWERY won’t stop grinning.

IRON YUPPIE
Goddamn flea ridden bedding. Haven’t slept so poorly
since the time I had LANDSHARK punished for sassing me.

FLOCCULENCIO
(low moaning voice)
KEIRA…..

DAVE HOWERY
Sheesh, would you stop about that already?
It didn’t really have anything to do with you
or me. She was obviously programmed to be
the sex toy of whoever killed Rommy.

FLOCCULENCIO groans and looks at him with sheer hate.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, Dave, don’t say sex toy, it just pisses him off.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay. How about carnal plaything,
love puppet, or lust monkey?

FLOCCULENCIO howls and grabs DAVE HOWERY by the throat, knocking him flat. He thumps Dave’s head continuously against the ground. DAVE HOWERY’S eyes go cross and he turns blue. IRON YUPPIE hauls FLOCCULENCIO up to his feet, using only one hand. He makes an obvious effort to control himself. DAVE HOWERY gets to his feet, rather groggily; his eyes still cross off and on.

DR. WHAT
Okay, boys, if you got that out
of your systems, let’s get a move on.

He looks at a rough drawn map, looks up at the hills ahead, and walks onwards. The rest of the party follows him, DAVE HOWERY staggering back and forth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera opens on the crew watching the game on the viewscreen.

MATT
Damn, FLOCC really is pissed. What’s with
him and KEIRA KNIGHTLEY anyway?

DIAMOND
I don’t know what he sees in her. She’s too
skinny and her boobs are too small.

THANDE
That’s a damn lie! Her boobs are perfect!

Soon, the crew are wrestling and fighting with each other (except for LUAKEL, who laughs and throws popcorn at both sides) , with cries of “They are not!” and “Yes they are!” heard in the chaos.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
She’s nothing compared to Alyson!!!

WEAPON M looks over his shoulder, shakes his head, and turns back to the viewscreen.

EXT. – HESTMARK HIGHLANDS- DAY

The party is walking through more forested hills. DR. WHAT looks at the map.

DR. WHAT
If this is right, we’re getting close. Stay alert.

DAVE HOWERY is scouting ahead of the others. He stops and looks closely at the ground. He looks up as DR. WHAT stops by him.

DAVE HOWERY
Frog-men tracks. Lots of them. And some that look like they
might be more of those halfbreeds. I’d say there are at least
20 frog-men, some carrying spears, some carrying shields. Two
of them are female. One of the men has the gout. One of the
females enjoys knitting and chess.

DR. WHAT
You can tell all that from a few tracks?

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… I guess. Not sure just how I know all that, it just
came to me. Oh, by the way, KEIRA told me that she
saw the cult leader soon after she was captured… and
he’s powerful. He’s a lot tougher than anything we’ve
run into yet. She called him a dark priest of Wastri.
We’ll have to be careful when we run into him.

DR. WHAT
Of course, the obligatory Big Bad Evil Guy at the end.
Well, scout on ahead and see if you can spot their lair.

DAVE HOWERY jogs on ahead, moving with grace and ease through the forest.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY -

The fight over the state of KEIRA’S breasts has abated, with the crew having divided up and glaring at each other.

MICHAEL
Okay, so can we agree that KEIRA KNIGHTLEY’S
breasts are not large, but still perky and adequate?

THANDE
(sullenly)
Yes. Although it is an injustice.

DIAMOND
It is not! They’re just too damn small!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They are nothing compared to Alyson!!!

MICHAEL
Shut up!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay.

The crew starts yelling at each other and beginning the fisticuffs again, when WEAPON M’S voice suddenly cuts through all the noise.

WEAPON M
Quiet, you idiots! They’ve found the place!

The crew all stops fighting and turns to the viewscreen.

EXT. – HESTMARK HIGHLANDS- DAY

The party is seen crouching behind some bushes, peering up over the top. The camera switches to their POV. We see a large hill with a cave opening halfway up the slope. A wooden stockade surrounds the area in front of the cave, with a gate and a tower. Several frog-men can be seen patrolling on the walls.

DR. WHAT
Damn. How are we going to do this?

IRON YUPPIE
Hmm… well, they have to open the gate sooner or later.
When they do, let’s hit them fast, before they can close it.
Once we get inside, we can take them.

DAVE HOWERY
That might do it. You know what’s weird though?
There’s nobody on the tower. Why not? That’s the
whole point of a tower, to put you up where you can see far.

DR. WHAT
Hey, they’re the typical evil horde, stupid and lazy and…

A horn suddenly sounds from behind the stockade, and the gate creaks open. A patrol of frog-men are seen walking out.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, that was fast! Okay, everyone… NOW!

The party leaps forward out of hiding. The frog-men are caught by surprise for a moment, and then croak out battle cries and charge them. A dagger thrown by FLOCCULENCIO hits one in the throat and it drops. DR. WHAT gestures dramatically and a pair of flaming bolts fly out of his fingers and drop two more; he looks first surprised, then enormously pleased. DAVE HOWERY is concentrating on the frog-men at the gate; he puts arrows into two of them trying to close it, and both are dropped. IRON YUPPIE, as usual, has taken on most of the enemy, and slices her way through them with sheer delight. TORQUMADA tries to take on the lone surviving frog-man, but it flees from him; TORQ is unable to catch him, as he is burdened with armor. He stops after a few yards, panting for breath.

TORQUMADA
Damn it… GASP… would you… PANT…
stand still… GASP… so I can… PANT…
hit you with… GASP… my big metal club!

With no enemies left in sight (alive, anyway) , the party dashes forward to the open gate, and into the compound. They see the cave opening ahead of them, but no one is in sight.

DR. WHAT
Well, that wasn’t so hard.

A croaking laugh is heard high above them. They look up at the tower and see someone standing at the top of it. It is DOMINUSNOVUS, and like the others, he has been altered to have a bald head, bulging eyes, and thick round body. He tosses something down that is burning. The party scatters, and a flask of oil bursts into flame where they were standing. DOMINUSNOVUS laughs and tosses burning flasks of oil with abandon, all over the compound. The party is dodging in all directions as the flasks explode around them.

TORQUMADA
For Christ’s sake, does he have a wagon up there?
Where’s he getting all these flasks?

The camera switches to DR. WHAT, who has ducked outside by the wall, out of sight for the moment. He looks closely at a page in his spellbook.

DR. WHAT
I know I can do it this time!

He moves away from the wall, where DOMINUSNOVUS is in plain sight, and points a finger at him. After a brief chant, a series of Magic Missiles shoots machine-gun like out of his finger and slam into DOMINUSNOVUS just as he is preparing to throw another flask. He drops it at his feet and it bursts into flame. DOMINUSNOVUS catches fire and runs screaming in a tight circle around the top of the tower.

DAVE HOWERY
Poor bastard.

He shoots an arrow that catches DOMINUSNOVUS in the chest; he topples forward out of the tower and lands almost at Dave’s feet.

The camera switches to DR. WHAT, who is looking at his finger (slightly smoking) with awe.

DR. WHAT
Holy moly. Damn, WARD is really going to kill us now.
That’s two of his people we’ve whacked.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is looking over the charred corpse. Something catches his eye, and he reaches down and pulls something out from under the body. It is a large silk bag. He opens it, looks inside, and astonishment goes across his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, everyone, have a look at this!

As the party gathers around him, he reaches into the bag… and his arm goes in to an impossible depth. The bag does not seem to expand or change, but Dave reaches into it clear to his shoulder and then withdraws his arm.

DR. WHAT
Wow! A real Bag of Holding. It’s bigger on the inside
than on the outside. But how in the hell did they do that?

DAVE HOWERY
Must be some kind of spatial folding device built into
the bag. Damn, they really go all out for this, don’t they.
Well, this explains where all the flasks came from.
Wonder if there are any more…

He reaches into the bag again, rummages around for a moment, and then pulls out a long bullwhip. It is sleek and black and small crackles of electricity run up and down it. DAVE HOWERY looks at it for a moment, and then his eye is drawn to IRON YUPPIE, who is looking at the whip with overwhelming desire. With a grin, he tosses it to her. She caresses the whip with loving hands.

IRON YUPPIE
I can’t wait to discipline LANDSHARK with this baby!

The rest of the party shudders at the thought, and then they all move towards the cave entrance.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY
The camera pans across the crew members watching the game on the viewscreen. They are quiet, tense, and look worried.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE CAVERNS- DAY

The camera shows the party entering the darkened cave and stopping before they get move away from the light at the opening. TORQUMADA softly chants a short phrase and the head of his mace glows brightly, casting light all around it.

IRON YUPPIE
That’s a neat trick.

TORQUMADA
Yeah… I have no idea how I did that… it just came to me.

The party moves deeper into the cave.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE CAVERNS- DAY -

The party is moving through a long tunnel. IRON YUPPIE and TORQUMADA are in the lead. The camera changes to their POV, and shows them approaching the entrance to a large cavern ahead. As they move forward, a deep booming croak comes from ahead, somewhere in the dark. The party stops.

TORQUMADA
Damn, I don’t like the sound of that. It sounds
like GREY WOLF after a three day bender.

IRON YUPPIE
Well, it’s seen us and heard
us for sure, so weapons out!

The party scrambles to ready their weapons, and DR. WHAT flips through his spellbook. As they do so, a monstrous creature suddenly appears at the edge of the Light spell. It is a gigantic frog bigger than a rhinoceros, and sporting fangs and claws. It looks over the group for a moment. Then, quick as lighting, the frog’s tongue lashes out, grips around IRON YUPPIE, and draws her to its mouth. With a quick gulp and licking of its chops, IRON YUPPIE is swallowed whole in a flash.

DR. WHAT
Why, you big son of a…. kill it!

The frog bounds forward with a loud croaking roar. TORQUMADA slams his mace into it, but it seems scarcely to notice it. Several arrows strike the frog, but they are mere pinpricks in its vast bulk. The frog barrels forward, brushing aside TORQUMADA and FLOCCULENCIO with ease. DR. WHAT gestures dramatically at the frog and chants a short phrase… a small bolt of acid shoots out of his fingers and slams into the frog, smoking as it hits. The frog growls in pain but keeps coming. It slams one clawed foot onto DAVE HOWERY and pins him to the ground. It looks down menacingly at DR. WHAT, who can only stare at it hopelessly.

Suddenly the frog retreats, croaking in pain and confusion. As it stomps around in agony, a sword blade suddenly slices out of it. The frog drops instantly, dead. The sword blade makes a long cut, and IRON YUPPIE stands up, covered with slime and gore, but seemingly little harmed, other than looking really peeved.

IRON YUPPIE
Damn, frog guts in my hair,
frog blood down my bikini bottom…

She looks the others, who are staring wide eyed at her.

IRON YUPPIE
What, none of you ever see a woman in a
fur bikini cut her way out a giant frog before?

The others look at each other a moment and then all shake their heads.

IRON YUPPIE
Well… never mind. Let’s head on in that cavern. No point

in sneaking in, whatever is in there is sure to have heard us fighting out here.

The party moves on into the cavern.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- DAY

The party is seen walking into a high vaulted cavern, so large that the Light spell can’t show all of it from side to side. A pool of water is on the ground just in front of them. The surface is rippling, as unseen creatures swim in it. IRON YUPPIE steps close to the pool and looks at it. The camera switches to her POV, and several monstrous sized tadpoles can be swimming in it. The camera pans forward across the pool, and stops on a large stone sculpture rising up in the center of the pool. It is in the shape of an ugly man with bulging eyes, a bloated round body, a double chin, and the legs of a frog. The statue has an evil grin on its face. Several small round huts stand around the pool, made of mud, reeds, and straw. The camera switches back to the party.

IRON YUPPIE
Great, more frogs. Hmmm… do you suppose these
tadpoles are the offspring of the frog-men?

DR. WHAT
Probably. Stand back.

DR. WHAT reads in his spellbook for a moment, and then chants a spell. Pointing at the pool, a bolt of lightning thunders out of his hand and arcs across the pool. The tadpoles can be seen writhing in pain, and several of them leap out of the pool. They make horrible wailing noises that sound much like the cries of human infants. As the spell ends, the tadpoles all float belly up at the surface, slain by the electricity in the water.

DR. WHAT
Well, that should put a stop
to the cult. Now, all we need…

He stops as a croaking cry of rage is heard from the darkness. The party turns and sees a cloaked and hooded figure crawling out of one of the huts. It stands up and throws off its cloak. We see that this is WARD, and like the others, he has been heavily altered, but more so. In addition to the bulging eyes and bald head of the other halfbreeds, he has legs like a frog and webbed hands. He looks much like the statue. He holds a long pole arm in his hand with a knife-like blade. The blade is of black metal with blood red runes carved into it. Black crackles of electricity run along the blade.

WARD stalks forward towards the party. FLOCCULENCIO happens to be standing closest to him; as he starts to draw his saber, WARD slams the butt end of his pole arm into FLOCCULENCIO’S head. FLOCCULENCIO drops to the floor, stunned.
TORQUMADA raises his mace and starts to move, but WARD shouts a magical word of power. TORQUMADA instantly freezes into place, unable to move anything other than his panic stricken eyes.

IRON YUPPIE charges at WARD. The two duel with their weapons in a spectacular melee. Both are incredibly strong and fast, and neither seems to be able to gain the advantage. Finally, WARD shouts another word of power, and the runes on his pole arm glow. Black electricity runs up and down the shaft and blade. WARD dodges one of IRON YUPPIE’S blows, and touches her head lightly with the blade of his own weapon. IRON YUPPIE staggers, drops her sword, sways on her feet, and finally falls, eyes rolling back as she passes out.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY and DR. WHAT, who are slowly backing away.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn, he’s kicking our butts!

DR. WHAT
Yeah. Okay, let’s spread out
and see what we can do.

The two move away from each other. DAVE HOWERY shoots an arrow, and DR. WHAT casts a Magic Missile spell. The arrow bounces away from WARD without touching him, and the Magic Missiles are sucked into the blade of his pole arm; the runes on it glow brightly for a moment.

DR. WHAT
Damn. Warded against spells and missiles. Sucks to be us.

DR. WHAT draws a dagger from inside his robes, while DAVE HOWERY drops his bow and draws his two blades. WARD moves between the two as if unsure which to attack. He suddenly whirls and strikes at DAVE HOWERY. The pole arm evades his guard easily, and the blade makes a deep cut along his hip and thigh. DAVE HOWERY drops to the ground, holding onto the long cut, which bleeds profusely. He is white with pain, gasping in agony on the ground.

WARD turns to DR. WHAT, who looks utterly demoralized. WARD contemptuously strikes the dagger out of his hands, and then uses the butt end to trip him. DR. WHAT falls to the ground. WARD’S foot stomps onto his chest, and he is unable to rise. The camera switches to his POV. WARD is looking down at him with a ghastly sneer. He hefts his pole arm, preparing to strike down at the helpless DR. WHAT.

WARD suddenly drops his pole arm with a very surprised look, and then falls to his knees. His face goes blank, and he falls face down. A dagger is sticking out of his back. DR. WHAT looks up to see FLOCCULENCIO standing there grinning.

DR. WHAT
What the… damn! You did
the old backstab trick on him!

FLOCCULENCIO
Yep. He stunned me for a while,
but he should have checked his rear flank.

DR. WHAT stands up and looks down at WARD’S body.

DR. WHAT
Damn. He’s dead. I didn’t think I’d ever see this.
You know, as much as he hated me and tried to kill
me, I never really wanted it to come to this.

FLOCCULENCIO looks away in sadness. Then his eyes go wide, and he moves away.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn… Dave….

DR. WHAT turns to see FLOCCULENCIO kneeling by DAVE HOWERY, who looks to be in very bad shape. His wound is bleeding heavily, and he is white with shock. His eyes are starting to roll back. DR. WHAT glances at TORQUMADA, but he is still frozen by WARD’S spell.

DR. WHAT
No healing spells here. Let’s
find something to use for a bandage.

FLOCCULENCIO
Okay… but if he dies, can I have KEIRA?

DR. WHAT
Let’s just patch him up.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, it’s important to know just what…

A loud voice suddenly sounds from somewhere above them.

VOICE
Congratulations, adventurers! You have successfully

completed your quest. Please stand by for experience awards.

The party members and WARD suddenly vanish.

EXT. – RANA- DAY

The party members pop into view in the middle of the village. They still have their gear and clothing, but have all been cleaned of wounds and grime. KEIRA is seen running out of the inn to DAVE HOWERY. Moments later, the four crewmen from the CF.NET pop into view nearby. They still have their costumes, but all the alterations are now gone. The two groups look at each other, and both start grabbing for their weapons, when a white haired and bearded man pops into view between them.

EGG
Hi folks! I’m E. GARY GYGAX, creator of
The Adventure Planet Limited. Hey, I’m sorry
about all this. The adventure you ran through
was scheduled for another party who cancelled
at the last minute. We were using the down time
to do some computer reprogramming. Apparently,
a glitch snuck into the mainframe. The computer
thought you were the party and grabbed five of
you at random, and then raided the other ship for
NPCs. Once the game started, we couldn’t
stop it, and had to let it finish…

EGG looks closely at WARD.

EGG
Have we met before?

WARD
No, I don’t think so.

EGG
Strange. Could have sworn… anyway.
(looks at the party)
You won! Not a bad job at all for someone who wasn’t
expecting it. And since you won, I’ll award each of you
8000 experience points, which will be applied to your next
adventure, if you choose to do another one. In fact, as
recompense for our computer malfunction, I’ll gladly set
you up for a free game of your choice whenever you like.
Just give us 2 weeks notice to set everything up, and it’ll be ready.

The AH.COM people all look at each other. DAVE HOWERY and DR. WHAT both grin.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, I’d like to come back some day.

WARD
This is bullshit.
You do not kidnap us from out ships,
you do not put us in some game!
YOU DO NOT MAKE A FOOL OF ME!
Merry! Kill him!

MERRYPRANKSTER charges EGG.

EGG hastily pulls out a small control device and pushes a button on it. The four CF.NET crewmen vanish.

EGG
Talk about sore losers…
(grins weakly)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is seen celebrating wildly, champagne and drinks all around.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is sitting in his command chair.

WARD
Bulgar, prepare all weapons. Merry prepare the
shuttle transports, Midgard, load up on weapons.
We’re going to wipe this damn place off the multiverse.

The crew burst into activity.

Suddenly there is a beeping.

DOMINUSNOVUS can be seen behind WARD. He looks up with panic on his face.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Captain! Something’s happening…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The camera shows the AH.COM and CF.NET facing each other in orbit. A vortex suddenly opens behind the CF.NET. The ship is pushed rather quickly through the wormhole, which closes quickly.

EXT. – RANA- DAY

EGG
Ah, that takes care of that. Now… I feel really bad that you
were dragged into all this. As a further consideration for your
trouble, I’m willing to let each of you have one item for a
souvenier. But only one. Have to use some of this stuff in
other games, and it’s pricey to make.

The camera pans around the party. IRON YUPPIE hugs her electric whip to her chest. DR. WHAT looks at his spellbook with a smile. TORQUMADA holds up his mace to indicate his choice. FLOCCULENCIO looks at KEIRA, who glares back at him; he shrugs and takes his saber off his belt and holds it up. The last scene is of DAVE HOWERY. He is looking back and forth between the adoring KEIRA and the Bag of Holding, obviously torn by indecision.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CREW LEVEL CORRIDOR- DAY

The party members are seen walking down a corridor. They have their normal clothing on now, but are carrying their souvenirs. DAVE HOWERY has the Bag of Holding in one hand.

FLOCCULENCIO
I can’t believe you chose that stupid bag over KEIRA KNIGHTLEY!!

DAVE HOWERY
Well, KEIRA was nice, but she’s just a girl, there’s plenty of girls
in the multi-verse. But how many bags like this will you ever see?
I mean, figuring out how they made this thing could lead to lots of
other useful applications. And it still works! Doc’s spellbook is
useless away from the planet, your saber and TORQUMADA’S
mace are just big chunks of metal, and YUPPIE’S whip… well, it
still works too, but I don’t like to think about that… poor LANDSHARK.
Anyway, this bag’s inside capacity is 10 times larger than its outside
size… isn’t that fascinating?

FLOCCULENCIO
But… you gave up a girl who
actually liked you for a stupid bag?

DAVE HOWERY
Ah, youth… when you’re older, you’ll understand. Anyway, she
wasn’t a real KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, you know, just one of that
planet’s creations made up to look like her and mentally
programmed to be who she was.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, but she was real enough. It took us going to
50 different timelines to find a girl who likes you.
Now, you’ll probably have to wait another 50 timelines
to find another. Hell, we tried 100 different brothels and
couldn’t even buy you a girl…

DAVE HOWERY gives FLOCCULENCIO a wry look and moves off towards his quarters.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY -

We see LANDSHARK nearly comatose from dehydration, flickering in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, his ropes are untied and his gag is removed. We see IRON YUPPIE’S hand holding a glass of water and pouring it into his mouth; his eyes open.

LANDSHARK
(croaking voice)
I… YUPPIE?

IRON YUPPIE
(comforting voice)
Hush. How are you feeling?

LANDSHARK
A bit better… still woozy.

IRON YUPPIE
Good.

The camera pulls out to show IRON YUPPIE pouring another glass of water over LANDSHARK’S body, drenching him.

LANDSHARK
Huh…. What?

IRON YUPPIE
(evil grin)
Need something to conduct the electricity.

We see IRON YUPPIE pull out the electric whip.

The camera pans away from the pair to another corner of the room. Off camera, a loud bloodcurdling scream can be heard, soon followed by a barely audible “More, more!”

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY -

DAVE HOWERY is seen entering his room. He locks the door and looks around cautiously. He sets the Bag of Holding on the floor and opens it. Reaching into it, he pulls out a big heavy bag; he opens it and pours a stream of gold coins out onto the floor. Next, he pulls out his long bow and quiver of arrows from the game. Finally, he reaches deep into the bag with both hands and pulls up something that is obviously fairly heavy. KEIRA’S head and shoulders pop up out of the bag, and DAVE HOWERY pulls her completely out of the bag until she is standing on the floor. As she looks around the room in wonder, he grins at her.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s not much, but its home.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS