AH.com: The Series

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS FROM NOW…

An older and grayer GREY WOLF is sitting on a chair, a very large bottle sits before him. He stares at it with a gaze usually held by men staring at topless women dancing on a stage… or topless women jumping up and down.

Gray reaches for the bottle, suddenly –

TOW HEADED BOY
(big eyed and hopeful expression)
Uncle Grey, can you tell us a story?

PAN AROUND and we see scores of Tow Headed Children looking at GREY WOLF with big eyes and practically oozing innocence.

GREY WOLF
What?
(blinks)
What the hell you mean
tell you a bloody story?
Can’t you see I’m busy?
Sod off, you lil’ wanker.

TOW HEADED GIRL
But, Uncle Grey, Uncle Weapon M
said you’d tell us a story.

GREY WOLF
What?
(blinks)
That bloody Colonial said I’d tell
you a sodding story? Get your lil’
arses outta here before ya feel the
back of my hand!

PAN OVER to a table occupied by older and grayer PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT.

MATT
Gery’s got a way with the kids, don’t he?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(slow and drawn out)
Yep.

PAN BACK to GREY WOLF

GREY WOLF
Now you get back to your
bloody parents and go bother them.

TOW HEADED BOY
We can’t. Mommy #4’s in labor.

PAN BACK to MATT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

MATT
Jesus. How many has that
woman produced?
Eight?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yep. #4 spits them out like Pez.

MATT
(laughing)
Yeah. Othniel coverts to Mormonism
and he goes at it with a vengeance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He did say, if you’re gonna
do something, do it right…

Back to GREY WOLF and the TOW HEAD HORDE OF CHILDREN.

GREY WOLF
Ah, bloody hell.
(long pause)
Fine, gather around you daft
pillock. I’ll tell ya a story.

TOW HEADED GIRL
Can it be a Christmas Story?

GREY WOLF
I’m not taking bloody requests!
(a moment’s pause)
This is a Christmas story…

SFX: wavy flashback thingy.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

MANY MANY MANY YEARS AGO (LAST YEAR) …

X-MAS EVE PARTY

PAN ACROSS the Mess Hall, we see the gathered crew, there’s much talking, laughing, and much, much, much drinking. In one corner plays a holographic orchestra, pumping out Christmas Music.

PAN to DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF. GREY WOLF staggers up to a table laden with booze and food.

GREY WOLF
I loves me some eggnog!

GREY WOLF pulls out a big bottle of brandy and fills his large cup, then adds a few drops of eggnog.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Grey. You’re supposed
to add a bit more nog.

GREY WOLF
Bugger off. We of the British
invented Eggnog. Don’t tell me
how to drink my nog!
(drains cup)
Now, on to the harder spirits!
(grabs brandy bottle and wanders off)

DOCTOR WHAT
Merry Christmas!

GREY WOLF
Bugger off, Canuck!

DOCTOR WHAT looks about and pulls out a bottle of scotch from his coat and prepares to dump the contents into his mug, but stops. Instead he looks about, sets aside his mug, and drinks from the bottle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ahhhh…gotta love Christmas.

PAN TO a large and elaborate looking sleigh on wheels being pulled across the Mess Hall. On it lounges IRONYUPPIE, daintily sipping on a jug of booze. Pulling the sleigh is LANDSHARK, dressed in a reindeer outfit with a large blinking red nose, harnessed to the sleigh, and a sipping on a cup of tea.

PAN OVER to MATT and WEAPON M exchanging gifts. MATT tears the wrapping off his, to reveal a large and deadly looking gun. WEAPON M tears off the wrapping on his gift to reveal a large and deadly looking gun.

MATT
How did you know?

WEAPON M
How did you know?

They laugh.

PAN TO G.BONE and GBW exchanging gifts. G.BONE opens his to reveal a heavy reference book, GBW opens his to reveal a large stack of porn.

G.BONE
(sarcastic)
Yay. A book…

GBW
(sarcastic)
Yay. Porn.
(a beat)
Why all the porn, anyway?

G.BONE
Er… what you don’t want girly mags?
I can get you ones with guys on it…

GBW
What? What’s the supposed to mean?

G.BONE
Err…

GBW
I’ve clearly stated my sexual preference
many a time. Has no one read the Database?

WEAPON M
Dude, if you don’t want to porn, I’ll have it.
I’ve gotta fire off a few rounds from my
weapon anyway. And I’m not talking about
my new gun.
(everyone stares)

QUICKLY PAN TO STRAHA and OTHNIEL

OTHNIEL
(outraged)
Marijuana? You gave me Marijuana?

STRAHA
(outraged)
What the hell am I gonna do with a bible?

A beat, he then tears out a page and rolls a doobie.

STRAHA
Only good thing these are made for…
Rolling blunts and shit paper.

OTHNIEL stares at him.

OTHNIEL
You evil Non Believer!
(Lunges at Straha)

Suddenly a scream of pure terror interrupts the festivities.

MICHAEL
You sick bastard!
You sick bastard!

PAN TO MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHEAL is shuddering, a unwrapped gift lying on the floor. Among the paper is a rubber duck.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(laughing gleefully)
It’s only a damned duck!

MICHAEL
You sick bastard!
And after I went through all the
trouble of purchasing genetic
material of Alyson Hannigan
for you to clone! You do this??!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(a long pause)
Oh.
(looking ashamed)
Look, I’m-

MICHAEL attacks PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HELP!

PAN TO TORQUMADA and THANDE exchanging gifts. TORQUMADA opens his to reveal a book entitled, THE JOYS OF CHEMISTRY and THANDE opens his to reveal a book entitled, THE JOYS OF PLAYING WITH HUMAN BODY PARTS. They both give forced grins.

TORQUMADA / THANDE (in unison)
Oh, wow.
This is such a great gift.
(a low mutter)
Where’s that damned/bloody
trashcan/rubbish bin?

PAN TO where DMA and HENDRYK are arguing.

HENDRYK
Hey, look. I’m not trying to convert you
or anything, just wanted you to see th-

DMA
You doubt the word of Holy Sheep?
Jihad on your arse!

KIT
(rolling eyes)
They always get into fights.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(nodding)
Indeed. No such things as
religious tolerance among the two.

KIT
So you want to unwrap your gift?

PULL BACK and we see KIT wearing only a oversized bow.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
As long as you want to unwrap yours…

PULL BACK and we see ABDUL HADI PASHA wearing only an oversized bow.

PAN TO an intercom, we hear:

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
No one bothered to get me a gift…
**prior to Leo getting his robot body**

Suddenly the ship violently shakes, tossing about half drunken, brawling AH.comers.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell was that?
Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
We’ve just entered a new universe.
Scanning…

DOCTOR WHAT
New universe?
(to Dave)
Dave! It thought I said to
leave the Shift Engines off?

DAVE HOWERY looks confused, in his hands is a T-shirt reading: I BURNED AND PILLAGED MY WAY ACROSS CANADA IN WORLD #5673216 AND ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. DIAMOND stands beside him, trying to open a carton of cigarettes.

DAVE HOWERY
Shift Engine off?
Wait, I can do that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
What’s the situation, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m still scanning.

MICHAEL
(still strangling Psychomeltdown)
He needs an upgrade I tells you!

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
Alert!

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?

WEAPON M
Time to test out my new gun!
Weee-heee!

MATT
Damn straight!

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
I’ve picked up signatures of the CF.net!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Our arch nemesis?
Here?
To stations everyone!

Everyone stands around looking at DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please?

Everyone shambles out of the Mess Hall.

IRON YUPPIE
Onward, Rudolph!
(cracks whips)

LANDSHARK
Ouch! That hurts.

IRON YUPPIE
That’s the point, Rudolph.

FADE OUT.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s up?

LEO CAESIUS
Still processing.

GREY WOLF
Bullocks!
I’m going to get a drink.

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
We’ve got a ship heading
in our general direction.

DOCTOR WHAT
How general?

GBW
Oh crap!
We’ve got a ship on
a collision course!

DOCTOR WHAT
Landshark!
Evasive maneuvers!

LANDSHARK
Huh?
I don’t pilot this bloody thing

DOCTOR WHAT
But… but your position is head pilot.

LANDSHARK
Like bloody hell it is!

LEO CAESIUS
Actually it is.

LANDSHARK
Damn.

Suddenly the ship rocks and there’s sounds of an explosion.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er.. What the hell was that?

LEO CAESIUS
Uh.. Looks like the ship crashed into us.
I’m reading hull breach on deck seven.
Containment fields holding.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought we had the shields up?

DAVE HOWERY
Shields? Oh, those things were taking
up too much power, so I tuned them off.

DOCTOR WHAT
Turned them off? They’re our
main defensive system!

LANDSHARK
I thought that was running
away like little Nancy girls?

DOCTOR WHAT
That too!
(to Dave)
Get those shields back up!

DAVE HOWERY
Fine!
(muttering)
Do this. Do that.
Never happy.
Damned Canuck…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (over comm)
Yo! There’s a ship sticking into the side
of our hip. I’m taking a team to investigate.

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
I didn’t say you could do that.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (on comm)
Hey, man. This plot needs to progress.
Over and out…Er.. roger?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DECK SEVEN – NIGHT

WEAPON M, MATT, OTHNIEL, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are approaching what appears to be a shiny capsule poking through the hull.

WEAPON M
Shall I shoot it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No. I think we should say hello.

OTHNIEL
H-Hello?

Suddenly a bright red beam shoots out and hits Othniel. He falls to the floor.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shoot it!
(runs off)

WEAPON M
This is for Othniel

MATT
This is for all the times I’ve never been
allowed to shoot first and ask questions later!

WEAPON M
This is for all the times I’ve been laughed
at when taking a shower in a locker room!

MATT
This is for all the times I thought I had
bladder control issues when sleeping and
found out that you guys had been putting
my hand into a tub of warm water for the
last two years!

WEAPON M
Heh. That one was cool…

The two men open up on the capsule.

Suddenly a voice calls out from the capsule

VOICE
We surrender!
We surrender!

The two men keep shooting.

VOICE
God damn it! I said we surrender!

WEAPON M
Damn. No fun.

MATT
Two damn years I thought I was pissing myself
I even stayed awake for three weeks because of it!

The Capsule opens up and out steps a beautiful woman in a skimpy red mini skirt trimmed with white fur, upon her head was a red stocking cap. Behind her calmor our a few small figures, three feet high, long pointy ears, and wearing green colored clothing. They all huddled behind the woman.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit. She’s hot.
(clearing throat)
I’ll take it from here boys…

WEAPON M
Fuck no. Finder’s keepers…
(drooling)

WOMAN
We surrender. Just take us to your
captain Ward and be done with it.

MATT
Captain Ward?

WEAPON M
What the hell is she talking about.
(to Woman)
This is not the CF.net ma’am.
This is the AH.com.
We are sworn enemies of the CF.net

The WOMAN stares and suddenly looks happy.

WOMAN
You are?
I’m so glad.
You can help us then.

MATT
Help you with what?

WOMAN
My husband’s been kidnapped by Captain Ward.
We need to rescue him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who’s your husband.

WOMAN
Santa Claus.
I’m Mrs. Claus.

WEAPON M
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR A – OUTSIDE BATTLR ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND are walking down the corridor.

DIAMOND
I heard she was hot.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then I guess I’ll have to put on the charm…

DIAMOND
Doesn’t being MRS. Claus mean she’s married?

DOCTOR WHAT
Never stopped me before.

DIAMOND
Actually it has. Remember last week?

DOCTOR WHAT
(far away look)
Oh, yeah… That.
(shakes head)
If anything I can steal her genetic material
and make a clone of her to do things evolution
never intended to be done to a human body.

The two enter the Battle Room, the doors swishing open before them. DOCTOR WHAT stops and stares as he sees MRS. CLAUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit.

DIAMOND glances downward.

DIAMOND
(exasperated sigh)
This is why I’ve been telling you to wear
something other than a skintight leotard
when you meet someone of the opposite sex.
How many times must we go through this?

OTHNIEL
(moaning in distress)
Oh, where art thou, Fork?

DMA
Don’t worry, Oth.
That lil’ thing isn’t gonna hurt you.

HENDRYK
Take that back, foul Sheepist!
The Great What is hung like a Mule!

DMA
A microscopic mule, maybe!

HENDRYK lunges at DMA, they begin fighting.

GBW
(wringing hands in distress at the fighting)
Someone make them stop.
All I wanted was a happy Christmas!

DOCTOR WHAT seems oblivious to everything going on.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll be in my ready room.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
Fine, Doc.
(Doctor What scurries away)
Well, let’s get this meeting on the road, kids.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – NIGHT

MRS. CLAUS stands up, clearing her throat and looking about nervously.

WEAPON M
Hey, honey. If you’re nervous,
just picture me naked, with my
giant swinging cod between my legs.

KIT
You have a swinging piece
of fish between your legs?

GBW
That would explain the smell.

MRS. CLAUS
Er… Thank you all for rescuing me,
even though you tried shooting my
escape capsule after I crashed into your ship.

IRON YUPPIE
Now, now, dear. Just tell us what happened.

MATT
(whispering)
Why is Yuppie suddenly all nice to the woman?

MICHAEL
(whispering)
She’s probably maneuvering to shag her.
(a beat)
Damn, there goes my chance.

MATT
(snorting)
Like hell you had a chance.
Maybe you can score with the little people.
(points to the Elves behind Mrs. Claus)

KIT
Don’t dismiss it until you’ve tried it.
Just think, they’re just the right size
and the ears make for easy gripping…

MICHAEL
Oh, man. I didn’t need to hear that…

MATT
Ugh.
(shudders)
Just got a mental image.

BACK TO MRS. CLAUS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Tell us what happened.
So we can get these bad men.

MRS. CLAUS
Well, a couple of days ago this ship came to our planet,
a ship that looks almost like yours. They came, saw, and
attacked the North Pole. We fought them off for several days,
but this afternoon we lost the fight. My husband was
captured and I was forced to escape with a few people.

DAVE HOWERY
Ward. How much eviler can he get?

DIAMOND
It’s Christmas Eve, y’know…Don’t that
mean the fat guy’s supposed be asleighing?

MRS. CLAUS nodded.

MRS. CLAUS
That’s the most horrible part. For 10000 years
we’ve always brought gifts to the people of the
world and for the first time, it’s in danger of not happening.

LEO CAESIUS
Ten thousand years???

MRS. CLAUS
Yes. Santa’s workshop exists in a small
side dimension where time doesn’t move.

LEO CAESIUS
Oh? That’s very interesting.
I’ll need to take a look at that…
(long beat )
Oh, yes. No body…

STRAHA
Dude, is this just me or is this sounding more
and more ridiculous the more she talks? Granted
she’s hot, she’s gots a rack only seen on porn stars
and an ass I could ride ‘til Armageddon, but
you’re all taking her story for the truth. She
might be some crazy seductress trying to infiltrate
our ship and destroy us. Ever think of that?

WEAPON M
Fuck off, Straha.
Let the woman talk!
(a roar of agreement from everyone)

GBW
I also have my reservations on what this
woman is saying. We cannot just take it
for the complete truth, that’s just illogical.

STRAHA
That’s just ’cause you’re gay.

GBW
I’m not gay! I’ve stated my sexual preference
more than once! Has no one read the Database?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
So let me get this straight.
Ward and the CF.net have
attacked Santa’s Workshop?
(Mrs. Clause nods)
They’ve taken it over, capturing Santa?
(Mrs. Claus nods)
And now it’s Christmas Eve and there’s
a possibility that Santa’s not going to be
delivering presents?
(Mrs. Claus nods)
I’m with Straha. This woman’s a nutjob.

MATT
(whispering)
I’d like a nutjob from her.
(giggles)
Get it? Nutjob.

MICHAEL
Dude, she so heard you.
(Mrs. Claus staring in wide eyed horror at MATT)

MATT
Damn.

The door suddenly swishes open and in walks DOCTOR WHAT, carrying a large briefcase before him and walking a bit hunched over.

DOCTOR WHAT
You heard the lady.
We have a mission.
The CF.net’s out there, they’ve
attacked an innocent planet!
Most importantly:
WE HAVE TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

DIAMOND
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me!

Fade out

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NORTH POLE – NIGHT

WARD stands upon a catwalk, sipping on a cup of coffee. GRIMM REAPER walks up behind him.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like we’ve got company.

WARD
You capture the Mrs.?

GRIMM REAPER
Nope. She was picked up by newcomers.
Give you a guess.

WARD
The Albino Sun Worshippers
from World #8462216?

GRIMM REAPER
Nope. The AH.com.

WARD
Why am I not surprised?

GRIMM REAPER
’cause they always show up when
we’ve got some evil plan in the works?

WARD
They’ve got an unhealthy ability to
show up in almost every world we go to.

GRIMM REAPER
Does seem a bit strange, almost like they’ve
been following us. I mean what’s the chances
in all the billions of worlds that they’ll come
across a world we’re on?

WARD
Hell if I know.
Get the boys ready.
Do the painful hurt thing.
Just keep them off planet
until I’m done.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir.

PULL BACK as WARD continues to sip his coffee, looking down from the catwalk. Below him, thousands upon thousands of machines are working away, building something…

WARD
Oh, Happy Christmas.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY – NIGHT .

MATT and WEAPON M are loading up on weapons.

MATT
You know what, Lee?

WEAPON M
What’s that, Matt?

MATT
Our lives are turning out
like some shitty sci-fi series.

WEAPON M
How’s that?

MATT
Every week we battle some
baddie from some universe.
Now, we’re friggin saving Christmas…

WEAPON M
What you don’t like Christmas?

MATT
No. I like Christmas. But don’t you
think this is kinda clichéd? How many
stupid sci-fi episodes were made about
someone saving Christmas and learning
the true meaning of it at the same time?
This fucking Santa gets into more trouble
with getting captured on Christmas Eve
than Doc What gets into when it comes
to chicks with muscular thighs.

WEAPON M
I hear you. But let’s be glad that this isn’t some
shitty sci-fi show written by unimaginative hack writers.

MATT
Amen to that, Brother.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT, TORQUMADA, and THANDE are walking down the corridor.

THANDE
I still don’t understand why I can’t go?

TORQUMADA
We’re not gonna bore them
to death with chemistry talk.

THANDE
That’s not what I do!

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re making a strike into the
North Pole, guys. We can’t take everyone.

THANDE
You just don’t want me to come along!

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not denying or confirming that, Thande.

TORQUMADA
Doc here just wants less guys around Mrs. Claus.
(grins)
Thin out the competition, eh, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not confirming or denying that, Torq.

THANDE
Great. I get left behind because some
bird saunters in and distracts everyone?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s pretty much the Standard Operating Procedure,
Thande. Now quit your yapping and go playing with yourself
…er your chemistry set.

THANDE
Chuffin’ wankers.
(stalks off)

TORQUMADA
Did you see the rack on that woman?

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you see my reaction to the rack on
that woman? I’m not one to steal another
man’s woman, but she’s one except-

OTHNIEL rounds the corner.

OTHNIEL
Sir, we’re ready to go, sir.
All weapons loaded, all gear stored,
everyone’s gettin’ on the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Cool.
Well, Mr. Torqumada,
it’s off to battle we go.

TORQUMADA
Oh, great. Just don’t die.
I don’t feel like trying to
bring someone back from
the dead on Christmas Eve.

OTHNIEL
I’ll inform Mrs. Claus
we’re ready to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Why don’t I do that?
(winks)

OTHNIEL
She expressed…er some …
er concerns over your…er
performance last time you
met with her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, that was just a natural reaction. I can’t help it.

OTHNIEL
I think all the ogling, attempts at groping, and…
er other reactions to her presence is taking its toll on her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just hand it to the crew.
The first hot chick on come on board
and they make fools of themselves.

TORQUMADA
(laughing)
Wonder how Iron Yuppie’s taking this.
Everyone’s attention’s all on the new
woman on board.

OTHNIEL
Er… Weapon M and MATT had to restrain
her from breaking into her quarters and,
as she put it, “havin’ some fun”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is it just me, or did anyone
else find that arousing?

OTHNIEL
(averting gaze)
I’ll be on my way, sir.

TORQUMADA
Damn it, Doc.
I have a pill that’ll stop that from happening.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? I’m okay with it.

TORQUMADA
No one else is.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
I just thought…
Never mind.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – NIGHT

The Away Team is gathered. Along with the elves brought along by MRS. CLAUS, they’re all loading weapons and equipment. WEAPON M eyes one of the elves field stripping an assault rifle.

WEAPON M
Hey, Knee High.
You want something a bit smaller.

TRIPOD
Name’s not Knee High, asshole.
It’s Tripod.

WEAPON M
(laughing)
Tripod?
What kind of name is that?

TRIPOD
’cause the weapon I got tucked in my pants
is bigger than anything you got in your puny arsenal.

WEAPON M
Yeah? Wanna bet?

MATT
Come one, Lee. Not again.

WEAPON M
I’ll show Shin Kicker here
who’s packin’ the bigger gun.

MATT
Dude. He’s only three feet high.
What could he be packing?

TRIPOD
What?
(walks up to MATT)
You want a piece of me, pencil dick?

MATT
Dude, we’re allies here.
No need to fight.

Suddenly… BAM!

TRIPOD punches MATT in the crotch. He goes down with a high pitch squeal.

WEAPON M
What the fuck.
You little –

BAM!

WEAPON M hits the floor groaning.

TRIPOD
I’m 5000 years old. You think I don’t
know how to deal with shit stains like you?

WEAPON M
Will… hurt… you….

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it looks like we’re getting along smashingly…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE MRS. CLAUS’ QUARTERS – NIGHT

OTHNIEL stops, coughs, and straightens the tie he’s wearing. Then he hits the door bell.

The door slides open and he stares, mouth agape.

SHOT from inside the quarters looking out at OTHNIEL. We see only the silhouette of Mrs. Claus, enough to realize she’s nekkid.

MRS. CLAUS
Ah, I knew you’d be coming.
Why don’t you come in and
have some cookies, I make the best.

OTHNIEL
(stammering)
Er.. uh… I think we’re ready to leave now…

MRS. CLAUS
(grinning)
Fine how about you just come in and
we’ll have a quick romp in the sack?

OTHNIEL
(small voice)
I thought you were married…

MRS. CLAUS
10000 years of marriage to the same
man can get a little boring. What the
Mr. doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

OTHNIEL
I.. I.. I think we should go…

MRS. CLAUS
(pouting)
Fine. This was your one
and only chance, kid.

OTHNEIL only can stare as she prepares for the journey.

EXT. – SPACE– NIGHT

A shuttle leaves the ship, heading down to the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

LEO CAESIUS
ALERT!
ALERT!

GREY WOLF
Someone’s got to bloody turn that off.
I’m getting’ a sodding headache.
(takes long pull from a flask)
what’s going on?

GBW
Sensors are picking up the CF.net ship.
They’re coming in on an attack vector.

GREY WOLF
Then engage them.
I’ll be in my quarters…
(wanders off)

GBW
What? Wait! Sir!
(Grey Wolf leaves)
Damn.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER lounges in the command chair.

BULGAROKTONOS
Sir. The AH.com’s approaching on an attack vector.

GRIMM REAPER
Itching for a fight, eh?

BULGAROKTONOS
Looks that was sir.

GRIMM REAPER
That was a rhetorical question, Bulg.

BULGAROKTONOS
Uh… what does rhetorical mean?

GRIMM REAPER
Open up with the main guns when in range.

BULGAROKTONOS
Yes, sir.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW looks panicked.

GBW
(panicked)
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Fine. I’ll do it.
No one ever thinks of me, yet I’m
the one who has to save all your asses.

GBW
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The two ships come at one another, suddenly the AH.com spins away, firing it’s particle cannons and dodging around the fire from the CF.net. The ship dance about the CF.net, lancing out fire upon it. Suddenly an explosion rocks the CF.net and it’s running lights go dark.

The AH.com ship moves away from the damaged ship.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER sits on the command chair, looking a bit confused.

GRIMM REAPER
Did we just lose a fight?
To the AH.com?

BULGAROKTONOS
We’ve lost main power,
we’ve lost weapons,
we’ve lost shields.
We’re screwed.

GRIMM REAPER
The AH.com beat us?
How messed up is that?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW looks wide eyed at the monitor.

GBW
Holy shit. Did we just win a battle?
Against the CF.net?
Holy shit.

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE suddenly enter the Control Room.

IRON YUPPIE
What’s with all the shaking and alarms?

LANDSHARK
Yeah.

LEO CAESIUS
We’ve just engaged the CF.net and won.

IRON YUPPIE
Have you been drinking, Leo?

LANDSHARK
I tell you there’s something
wrong with his programming.

GBW
No. We did just fight them and we won…

LANDSHARK
Who’s piloting this damn thing anyway?

LEO CAESIUS / GBW
Piloting?

LANDSHARK
’cause we’re headed toward a
big fucking asteroid thing.

View screen shows a large asteroid before them, getting bigger and bigger.

LEO CAESIUS
Aw, shit.

CRASH!

Black out

LEO CAESIUS
Ow.

EXT. – NORTH POLE – NIGHT

The shuttle lands and the crew/elves get out. In the distance you can see the horizon filled with what looks like huge smokestacks and other industrial buildings. The away team fan out, MRS. CLAUS and DOCTOR WHAT talk.

MRS. CLAUS
There’s a secret entrance about a mile from here.
We’ll use that to get into the subbasement of
the Compound. I believe that they’re holding
Mr. Claus in the dungeons-

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait, you guys have dungeons?

MRS. CLAUS
Focus, Mr. What.
We’ll rescue Mr. Claus, get him to the
Power Plant and then shut off the power.
Then we’ll take care of Mr. Ward.

DOCTOR WHAT
What exactly is Ward doing here anyway?
Beyond being evil and stealing Christmas?

MRS. CLAUS
Santa’s Workshop has some of the most
advanced technologies in five billion universes.
It’s also one of the biggest industrial centers
in ten billion universes. They’re here for that.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.
(to everyone)
Alright! Here we go!

The Away Team heads out across the snow.

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

WARD is sitting a chair, looking angry. On the desk before him is a monitor showing GRIMM REPAER.

GRIMM REAPER
We’ll be a while in repairing. Though luckily
the AH.com smashed into an asteroid a moment ago.
We’ll be able to deal with the shuttle that landed.

WARD
You’d better. I want things to go
as smoothly as possible here.
Production has finally begun and
it’ll be a bit before we’re done.

GRIMM REAPER
We’ll be back and ready to fight soon, sir.

WARD
So be it.

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – SUB BASEMENT – NIGHT

A grate opens up and the Away Team clamors out, the Elves holding point and MRS. CLAUS and DOCTOR WHAT bringing up the rear.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whispering to MATT)
Man, she’s got an ass I could
take a bite out of.

MATT
Uh.. I think she heard you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

SLAP!

MRS. CLAUS smacks DOCTOR WHAT.

MRS. CLAUS
Next time, I would appreciate it if you’d
focus on what we have to do now, other
than remarking on my ass.

DOCTOR WHAT just nods.

MATT
(snickering)
Sucker.

INT. – DUNGEONS- NIGHT

The Away Team enters the Dungeons.

FEDERATION X is sleeping sitting in a chair. WEAPON M walks up and bludgeons him, knocking him out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well that was easy…

The Elves quickly open a cell and drag out a man dressed in red rags.

SANTA CLAUS
(groaning)
They hurt me in so many delicate places.
(sobs)

OTHNIEL
Ward is evil.

MATT
Barely realizing that?

OTHNIEL
Who would beat up Santa Claus?

WEAPON M
(far away look)
I would…

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get to the Power Plant and stop
Ward from doing whatever it is he’s doing.

The Elves help SANTA CLAUS out and the rest of the Away Team follows. Suddenly DOCTOR WHAT stops.

WEAPON M
Hey, Doc. What’s up?

DOCTOR WHAT
You guys go to the Power Plant,
I’ll go and find Ward.
He needs to be stopped.

WEAPON M
Dude, it’s your funeral.

Everyone heads out.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No one wants to back me up?
(shrugs)

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT comes to a stop and listens. The sounds of gunshot can be heard. He pulls out his gun and moves slowly toward it.

He heads down a corridor and comes to a large open door, from it come the sounds of gunshots and screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT looks in and see. ROMULUS AGUSTULUS, firing a gun into the air, yelling something. His back is turned to the door and he’s yelling at a group of huddling Elves.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
You’re small. You have pointy ears.
You live forever! You wear bells on your shoes!
This doesn’t fit in my mental framework,
therefore you all must die!
(fires into the air)
I cannot suspend my belief
and I have no imagination!
Therefore you all don’t exist
and you all must die!

DCOTOR WHAT shakes his head and enters the room. He calmly walks up to ROMULUS AGUSTULUS and whacks him on the head with the butt of his pistol. ROMULUS AGUSTULUS drops to the floor, unconscious.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to the elves)
What was this all about?

ELF
He went crazy once he realized that
his pheromones weren’t making us
sexually attracted to him. He’s been
yelling like this for the last two hours…

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. I’m kind of in a hurry, could
you guys take care of him? Tie him
up or something. I got bigger fish to fry.

ELF
Will do, Mysterious Man. If you’re
looking for the leader of these guys,
take the stairs at the end of the corridor,
it’ll lead you to the Control Center.

DOCTOR WHAT nods and heads out.

ELF
Alright, boys.
Grab him and pull down his pants.
(Elf pulls out a pocket knife)
Let’s see how this fits into
his mental framework!

DOCTOR WHAT pauses as he hears screaming, shrugs and continues on.

EXT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

A gun battle is blazing away before a large facility marked POWER PLANT. The Elves, AH.commers, and the Claus are huddled in the now.

WEAPON M
Damn, they’ve got this place
secure tighter than a snare drum.

MATT
Hey, that’s not stopped us before!

WEAPON M
(pulling out rocket launcher)
For CHRISTMAS!
(fires)

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT enters the office and holds his gun ready. Across the room is a darken figure sitting at a desk.

WARD
So, come to fight me man to man?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks that way, don’t it?

WARD
Guess you’re stupider than I thought?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, everyone makes that mistake.
Mostly by those that are looking to kick my ass.

WARD
And are they right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Most of the time..

WARD stands up.

BANG!

DOCTOR WHAT shoots him. WARD laughs.

WARD
Body armor, kid. Never
leave home without if.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well. I’ll remember that…

The two lunge at one another.

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT, shoves him against the wall and begins hitting him. Six to the face, four to the ribs, and a knee to the crotch. He then tosses DOCTOR WHAT across the room,. He crashes against the wall, bounces off and falls to the floor. WARD walks calmly up to him.

WARD
That all you got?

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping and spittin’ out teeth)
I’m haven’t begun…

WARD gives him three kicks to the gut. Suddenly the lights begin to flicker.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re nefarious plan is coming to an end…

An alarm rings and WARD grins.

WARD
Well, it seems you and
your friends are too late.
It’s done.

The lights suddenly shut off.

INT. – NORTH POLE – POWER PLANT – NIGHT

Fires rage and smoke fills the air. WEAPON M cradles someone in his arm

WEAPON M
Tripod! No!
We started out on the wrong
foot, but don’t die!
We can be friends!

TRIPOD
Damn it. I said I’m not dying.
It’s just a graze. Now stop
cradling me and let me go!

OTHNIEL
We shut down the Power Plant.

MRS. CLAUS
Yes, we did.
(eyes Othniel)
Want me to jingle your bells?

OTHNIEL
But your husband’s standing right there.

MRS. CLAUS
I think he has his eye on something else…

MATT
(to Weapon M)
Dude, I think Santa’s checking out my package…

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT

WARD walks down some stairs and up to a large machine with a red light blinking.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staggering after him)
I can’t let you get away with this.

WARD
You can’t stop me.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can die trying!
What ever abomination you’re creating,
I cannot allow for it to be released upon the world!

WARD
Abomination?
(laughs)

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s so funny?

WARD
What abomination am I making?

DOCTOR WHAT
You tell me.

WARD
I’m not here making abominations.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why are you here?

WARD opens up the machine, to reveal a black box. DOCTOR WHAT backs away.

DOCTOR WHAT
A weapon of some kind!

WARD
No you fool.
It’s a slide projector!

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? A slide projector?
You’re fucking me!

WARD
Boy, you’d know if I was fucking you.
And yes, it is a damned slide projector.

DOCTOR WHAT
But all this. The capturing of Santa..

WARD
What can I say? I’m evil
Plus I needed the facilities. My last
slide projector broke a week ago.
I needed a replacement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why not just buy one?

WARD
And get some cheap thing that’ll break in a year?
No. I want one that’ll last forever! Santa’s Workshop,
with it’s advanced technology has created
a slide projector that will last forever.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re fucking kidding me.
(pulls out gun)
All this for a fucking slide projector!

WARD
And indestructible slide projector!

BANG!

DOCTOR WHAT shoots WARD, but the bullet is stopped cold by the slide projector.

WARD
See?
(laughs)

DOCTOR WHAT
Bastard!

Ward suddenly vanishes, his laughter echoing in the air.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck…

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

The Away Team and the Elves are gathered.

WEAPON M
Looks like the CF.net made a clean get away.

MATT
Our ship is crashed into an asteroid.

OTHNIEL
Guys, Mrs. Claus keeps trying to touch me…

DOCTOR WHAT
At least we saved Santa.

SANTA CLAUS
Thanks guys. No way I can repay you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Actually there is.

SANTA CLAUS
(laughing)
No there isn’t.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I still
have to deliver presents to the world.

WEAPON M
Now there’s a man committed to his job.
Neither hail, nor snow,
nor getting beaten and tortured…
(sighs)
Well, what did you learn about Christmas, Matt?

MATT
That Mrs. Claus is totally fuckable?
(grins)

WEAPON M
Seems to like the little innocent type.
(eyeing Othneil)

TRIPOD
And the Elves.

WEAPON M / MATT (in unison)
What?

TRIPOD
Yeah, we’ve been tapping that for centuries now.
Once the fat guy leaves, the elves come out to play…
(grins)

MATT
You got to be fucking kidding me…

Fade out:

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS FROM NOW…

GREY WOLF leans back in his chair, the scores of Tow Headed Children gathered around him.

GREY WOLF
And that’s how we saved bloody Christmas!
(takes a swig of booze)
Now, get outta my face and
back to your bloody parents.

TOW HEADED BOY
So Santa’s real?

GREY WOLF
In that universe he is.

TOW HEADED BOY
Will we be getting presents?

GREY WOLF
It’s bloody July.
What do you mean,
are you getting presents.
Get out of here!

The TOW HEADED CHILDREN leave.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I remember that adventure…

MATT
Yeah. Funny how every year we came back
to that universe and saved that red sack of shit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re just mad ’cause you
never got to bag Mrs. Claus.

MATT
Damn right!
She did everyone on the friggin’ ship!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grins)
Aw, Christmas memories…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS