TEASER

INT. – SEWERS – NIGHT

We go straight into the episode with a rather standard, dank, poorly lit sewer (of the large Victorian sort of course) . Gathered in the centre of the room are six men dressed entirely in grey jump suits with utilitarian haircuts. The only hint of colour on them is a small red badge on each of their necks.

STRAHA
So…what do….you…think of….leader.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Leader smrrrrrg….

NEKROMANS
I think leader…leader is big….do-do head

LEEJ
Yes…big…big…wan….big,
big wankoooo….big….wan-kah.
Leader….is….waaahnkah!

Suddenly the scene is lit up by search lights, a megaphone aplifyed voice booms out of the glare

VOICE
Statement Attention citizens! Upon the will of the almighty leader you
are under arrest! Collective charges read Six counts of unsanctioned
public meeting. Six counts of trespassing on government property. Six
counts of wearing colour other then grey. Six counts of thinking against
leader. One count of attempting to insult almighty leader. One count of
insulting almighty leader. Three counts of gravely insulting almighty leader….

CHRIS
SCATTER!!!!

The sound of gun fire kicks in as the six men run in off in all directions the fire three of the men including STRAHA and PSYCHOMELTDOWN go down. The scene fades with several other figures running through the lit area trampling the bodies as they pursue the others

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE THIN GREY LINE”

Written By : LEEJ

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We open up in the Control Room, a wide shot. We can see heat waves rising in the air; GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting on deckchairs each wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sunglasses with a single electric fan blowing at them. Both are reading; Doctor What a rather tatty looking magazine called ‘Asian Sluts’ and Grey Wolf ‘Psychology for Dummies’. Grey Wolf also has earphones in his ears, we briefly focus on him.

SOOTHING VOICE
You are a wonderful, strong, human being,
you can do anything you set your mind to…

LANDHARK and GBW are also in the room at control panels obviously struggling to do their jobs in the sweltering heat. It does not help that LANDSHARK is wearing a full leather getup, which appears he has completely sweated through.

LANDSHARK
This is just…typical…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm? What was that Landshark?

LANDSHARK
One of our…longest…journeys yet and….
damn air conditioning is broken…

DOCTOR WHAT licks his finger and turns the page

DOCTOR WHAT
(unconcerned)
Oh yes, terrible, terrible.

LANDSHARK collapses slumped over his controls; his hand hits a big red button as he goes. The ship starts to shake with the remaining three men hastily grabbing onto something sturdy nearby.

GBW
We have left transit space…Might I
recommend a doctor for Landshark?

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other and nod before walking over to LANDSHARK, taking a arm each and dragging him towards the door. They have almost reached it when THANDE bursts in clutching what looks like an old fashioned till.

THANDE
Excellent! Excellent! We are finally out of transit space!
Now we can use my latest invention!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF drop LANDSHARK and walk over to get a look at the invention. GBW walks over to get a look too.

DOCTOR WHAT
What does it do?

THANDE
Oh it’s really quite marvellous! You pull this leaver
here you see and it tells you who you should take
for the current away mission!

GBW
Sounds interesting. So it uses scientific reasoning to
deduce from the conditions on the planet and the kind
of mission we are to undertake whose specialities
would be most needed?

THANDE
Err…yes. Something like that.
(gives a forced laugh)

THANDE puts his invention on a nearby flat surface.

THANDE
Go on! Give it a whirl!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT look to each other for a moment then DOCTOR WHAT approaches the machine and tentatively pulls the lever. In the small windows at the top where the price would appear had this been a real till pictures of all the crew quickly flash by.

There are six spaces, the first one settles on GREY WOLF

DOCTOR WHAT
This…Its…Its nothing but a one armed bandit!

THANDE
Well.,…I suppose…technically….
But it helps you decide!

The machine keeps spinning. Next it settles on OTHNIEL, then STRAHA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh come on, you know fine well that
we can’t take those two anywhere

Next is MATT. DOCTOR WHAT merely shrugs at this. The next person selected is LUKAEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
No way in hell am I taking him down to another planet!

The final slot lands on THANDE.

THANDE
Oh me? How lucky! Who’d have thought it!
Come on, off to the planet we go!

THANDE leaves the room in a hurry.

GREY WOLF
Lets just go to the teleporter room, we can always
decide on the crew when we get there.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT begin to leave the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
You want to actually go on an away mission?

GREY WOLF
Why not? It’s a change you know. Besides.
I’ve recently read some…interesting stuff.

GBW
Sirs, I do believe that Landshark still needs a doctor

Seeing that LANDSHARK is still out DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF pause in their step pick him up again before exiting.

DOCTOR WHAT
I suppose we can swing by TORQUMADA’s
on the way to the teleporter room.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT both enter the lift.

GBW
You know you don’t even know where
we are or the conditions on the planet…
(shrugs and adjusts both Grey Wolf’s and Doctor What’s fans toward him)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

The Med Bay is in a state of disarray with papers scattered about everywhere. TORQUMADA is the only one here; he is running around like a maniac between several computers typing furiously at each one. Enter GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT dragging LANDSHARK between them, with a burst of effort they heave LANDSHARK onto a table. GREY WOLF then goes off to the far side of the room to examine the various strange devices on the desk there. DOCTOR WHAT coughs ever louder for a few moments until he is noticed.

TORQUMADA
Ah! Excellent! Just the people I wanted to see! You see
this latest universe we have entered! Oh its very exciting!
Or maybe exciting isn’t the correct word…
Oh but it is very…Interesting!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA leads the two men to a display screen covered in scientific gibberish

TORQUMADA
You see these emissions coming from the surface of the planet?
Pure GREY RAYS! I have long hypothesised that such a thing
could exist of course but this is the first time I’ve actually had
the pleasure of encountering them. Hmm…Maybe I can make
a bomb out of them…Or maybe I can use my wonderful skills
to make some sort of anti-grey bomb!

DOCTOR WHAT
AN ANTI-GAY BOMB!?!?
Isn’t that a bit harsh even for you?

TORQUMADA
No, no, no. Not an anti-gay bomb. An anti-GREY bomb. It will have
the opposite effect of these grey rays. It will instantly nullify any
grey rays in existence in the area. Or even better yet have the opposite
effect of any grey rays- I am quite interested to see what that is actually…
Oh I’m going to make such a powerful bomb…You see the Hyndrick
matrix means that in a stable bod…

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Err yes…You do that we’ll be going now….

TORQUMADA
Excellent idea! Down to the planet you go to fetch some data on the
effect these grey rays have on life down there! I’d love to go myself
but when there is SCIENCE this exciting underway well I couldn’t
possibly leave…

TORQUMADA pushes GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT out of the room and closes the door behind them

TORQUMADA
And of course I’m not stupid enough
to subject myself to pure grey rays…
(spots Landshark)
Oh, what is this? A sweat drenched Englishman
reeking of leather and nutella…
(pulls out a scalpel)
This will be fun.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT enter the Teleportation Tube Room. Already here is G.BONE at the control console, looking bored and flicking a bobble headed hula girl with his index finger, and MATT, STRAHA, OTHNIEL, THANDE and LUKAEL milling around the teleporter itself.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell…I didn’t authorise
them to go on a mission!

THANDE
Ah you see captain, that’s the beauty of my invention,
it automatically alerts the chosen crewmembers that
they are needed and tells them to come here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit…What are we going to do…

GREY WOLF
(aside to Dr.What)
Don’t worry, I haven’t been reading that
psychology book for nothing, I have a plan…
(shouting)
Lukael! Oh Lukael!

LUKAEL
Yes Mr.Grey Wolf sir?

GREY WOLF
Lukael, you’re needed in the control room at once,
your mother phoned and she wants to talk to you

LUKAEL
Mom? OK!

LUKAEL runs out of the room.

GREY WOLF
(aside)
One down…
(shouting)
Oh Straha! Straha!
I’ve just received word your plants are on fire!

STRAHA
Ha! Yeah right. Like YOU could ever trick me.
You obviously haven’t seen this.

STRAHA produces a small book from his pocket and taps it- the title reads ‘Resisting psychology for dummies’

G.BONE
I haven’t got all day you know…

THANDE walks over to G.BONE and begins to scald him about the terrible attitude he has for his job. Whilst he’s doing this the others sneak onto the teleporter spaces- all five of them

THANDE
Wha…Wha…There’s only five spaces!

G.BONE
Yep

THANDE
Why on earth is that!?

G.BONE
It’s the type 325. It has 5 spaces.

THANDE
325? I thought we had the 673!

G.BONE
We did. We upgraded.

THANDE
325 is an upgrade from 673!

G.BONE
Not really, no.

DOCTOR WHAT
When you are ready please Mr. Bone.

STRAHA
(giggling)
He said bone…

The teleporter is activated and the screen fades out with THANDE still ranting at G.BONE.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

The street has no cars however it does have a few pedestrians. All of the people are wearing grey jump suits and have utilitarian hair cuts like the people in the introduction- a brief close up however shows they lack the red badge.
The buildings are all made of concrete, the road and pavements are grey and even a nearby post box is painted grey.

The crew teleport into the middle of a street and look around in an action pose.

STRAHA
(sarcastic)
Wow this place looks exciting, I’m so jealous
I don’t go on missions very often!

OTHNIEL
I think it looks nice…

GREY WOLF
Hmm…I certainly see what TORQUMADA meant
about grey emissions anyway. This place is…well…rather grey.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed…I wonder what happened here.

A voice booms out from off screen

VOICE
Order Stop right there!

The crew look around- all the pedestrians are staring at them in shock and another man is running towards them. He’s wearing a grey jumpsuit however its slightly different to everyone else’s, on the sleeves and over the heart is written in a slightly darker shade of grey ‘police’, he is also wearing a flat (grey) policeman’s hat.

COP
Statement You are under arrest for disobeying the will
of the almighty leader. Collective charges read; Six counts
of appearing in the middle of public street out of thin air,
four grave counts of wearing colours other then grey, two
dire counts of wearing colours other then grey.

The last one was obviously directed towards GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT who are still dressed Hawaiian style.

STRAHA
Woah, woah, look here…We….have permission
to be dressed like this….We are…The supreme
leader’s top secret undercover colour wearers!

COP
Statement I have never heard of such a thing

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh we’re new. Err…go check
with the supreme almighty leader.

COP
Statement Use of almighty leader’s name in such a way
must mean honesty. Statement Sorry for bothering you
citizens. You may be on your way.

OTHNIEL
Oh its alright, you were just doing your job after all,
I’m sure you’re doing a very good job of keeping the
streets clean of those damned nasty colour wearers.

COP
Statement Heavy use of opinion detected! Extrapolation
You are not sanctioned by leader! Conclusion Arre….

The cop collapses in a heap having just been hit over the head by a large plank of wood from behind. Holding the wood is LEEJ. Matt has a slight look of anger on his face the prospects of violence having just been dashed.

LEEJ
Statem….St….Straha….You…Alive…
We….Fear…Worst…It…good

LEEJ approaches STRAHA and tentatively puts his arms around him in a rather pathetic attempt at a manly hug.

STRAHA
Woah! What the fuck are you doing.

MATT
(smirking)
I think he likes you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Aren’t they a cute couple?

STAHA
(angry)
Quit fucking hugging me!

LEEJ recoils in shock and GREY WOLF quickly clips STRAHA around the ear- STRAHA rubs his ear and looks at GREY WOLF but doesn’t respond.

GREY WOLF
Oh err…Excuse Straha…For he is of course the Straha
from this universe…You see the…pressures of having
narrowly escaped death you see…Has us all on edge.

LEEJ
I…understood…understand….Follow…You must…
Follow….Not safe here….Follow

The crew look amongst themselves and shrug seeing no better course of action. LEEJ leads them past the stunned onlookers into an alleyway; he opens up a manhole cover and climbs down. The crew cautiously follow him down, STRAHA is the last to go and he can visibly be heard humming the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ theme song as he closes the hatch behind himself.

INT. – SEWERS- DAY

It’s a similar dank drippy sewer to earlier. LEEJ is leading the crew down a long area.

LEEJ
Straha…Thankful is everyone….Will be everyone….
We fearerised worst…You…Bullets were shot…

STRAHA
Yeah well…Sorry for bothering you bud. Bullets can’t
hurt me you should know that. So err just out of interest…
Where the hell are we going anyway?

LEEJ
Top…Secret….Rebellion headquarters…Cell….Gamma.

LEEJ leads the crew through a narrow ‘doorway’ and into a relatively large sewer room not unlike the den of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. There are a few rather crappy looking beds and old bits of furniture. On one wall a bit of red cloth hangs from the ceiling and just next to it is a radio.

There are four other men in the room-NEKROMANS is scraping away at the wall with a spoon inside what looks like a fireplace, two of them are asleep on the beds and not visible, the other is CRAIG who runs over to the crew.

CRAIG
Straha….Living…Nice. We…celebrate….We smoke….

STRAHA
(excited)
Yes!?!

DOCTOR WHAT interrupts

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry to get your hopes up but there’s been some
kind of mistake….This isn’t your Straha.

LEEJ
But…He appears….To be….Straha…

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s…A different Straha.

LEEJ
How…Can…it be?

DOCTOR WHAT
OK listen here,err…Who are you exactly?

LEEJ
Leej…I…Comrade…Leej…Leader cell gamma…
At least… Now…Leader cell gamma…Gone.

DOCTOR WHAT begins to explain the concept of alternative realities and the scene fades out. It comes right back with DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA, GREY WOLF, OTHNIEL LEEJ and CRAIG sitting around a rickety table just as DOCTOR WHAT finishes his explanation- MATT is off at the far end of the room pacing.

LEEJ
This…Interesting…I ask Am I…Have you had
fortune to encounter…World where I am…God-emperor?

OTHNIEL
Err…no. Sorry.

STRAHA
There was that one where you were
some dumb alcoholic blind guy!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes and…err…You were
prime minister of Britain once!

OTHNIEL
Sorry but your alternatives
are sadly under represented…

LEEJ
Prime minis…ter….This is…nice.

CRAIG
Am I on…Any worlds?

DOCTOR WHAT
Err…Who on earth are you?

CRAIG
I Craig…I Leej’s…Comrade.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never heard of you.

Craig looks crestfallen as everyone else stands up.

DOCTOR WHAT
So…Leej. What can you tell me about what you do here?
What’s that red cloth over there for instance?

LEEJ
That…Flag of rebellion…
Comrade Highlander design…
Took him…Many weeks….

STRAHA
(Jokingly under stating)
Not very creative are you people?

LEEJ
We…most creative on planet!….We…Rebellion…
Force for change!…We…Radicals…Imagination…Dangerous! We….
I…Only one…Dare say…Supreme leader…he be….Wanker.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah…I see….

OTHNIEL
Well it stands to reason that on a planet such as this even their
monster raving lefties would be pretty nice and right by our standards.

STRAHA
Dull you mean?

OTHNIEL
There is tranquillity in calm. I wonder how I
could go about buying a flat here….

DOCTOR WHAT
No its clear what we have to do here, we must help
the rebels in their overthrow of this ‘supreme leader’

MATT quickly runs over upon hearing the prospect of some action.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now tell me Leej. How exactly do you intend to overthrow the leader?

LEEJ
We…Tunnel…Dig….Blow up…Grey emission device…Stop greyness….
Been digging…Many months….Eventually…Will manage. Device…
kept by leader….Kill device…Ki….ki…hurt leader

LEEJ points over to NEKROMANS’ rather pathetic tunnel.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…I think there could be another way

GREY WOLF
TORQUMADA and his anti-grey bomb?

DOCTOR WHAT
Exactly

MATT
Aww…I want to get my hands dirty!

GREY WOLF
I must say I agree with Matt here

OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT
You do!?!

GREY WOLF
Yes…Well no…But I would like to meet
this leader before we unleash the weapon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

GREY WOLF
Oh I think it could be…enlightening.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…Oh very well, its your day out. I’ll tell
TORQUMADA to step up the work on his anti-grey
device, until then lets go see the leader. Matt, would
you mind giving them a hand with the tunnel?

MATT grumbles at this not being what he meant by getting his hands dirty but heads over to the ‘tunnel’ anyway, he throws NEKROMANS out of the way and starts punching the wall furiously quickly making heavy progress.

LEEJ
I…thank you…Freedom…Will be ours…

ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

It looks like a fairly standard science fiction corridor, all grey…very bland. There is a glass roof however for some reason. The camera focuses on the floor where there is a practical explosion and MATT climbs out followed by the rest of the crew.

OTHNIEL
Hmm it seems Leej’s calculations were somewhat off…

STRAHA
(sarcastically)
Never saw that one coming. He seemed a right sharp
character that Leej did. Very with it.

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
What now?

Everyone looks around confused for a moment before STRAHA points to a sign down the corridor, its in the shape of a arrow and says “This way to almighty leader”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thoughtful of them. Let’s go then.

Everyone walks off down the corridor, the scene cuts to a identical (though it isn’t the same) corridor where the crew have stopped at a door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Its through here then?

MATT loads his machine gun and attracts a glare from DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF and OTHNIEL

GREY WOLF
We’re here to talk. Not hill him.

MATT
Spoiled sport

The crew open the door. Through it is…A guard room. Several heavily armed figures wearing power armour are stood right in front of them. The armour is entirely grey except for a few see through spots over their muscular arms.

STRAHA
(jokingly stating the truth in a meme fashion)
Err…It’s a trap!

The guards run at the crew and MATT fires off his machine gun at them. It has no effect and everyone bar MATT quickly surrenders to the guards who surround them. MATT however charges at a man whose uniform says ‘leader’ on the shoulders. A brief battle ensues however MATT is soon subdued.

The scene once more cuts to yet another corridor. The crew are being marched in single file by the guards.

OTHNIEL
Where do you suppose they are taking us?

STRAHA
Oh well I don’t know Othniel. Where would a bunch of heavily
armed super Nazis be taking a bunch of guys they’ve just found
snooping around their ultra secret headquarters?
You don’t suppose it’s the zoo do you?

GUARD
Demand Silence!

The GUARD slaps STRAHA across the face powerfully but not enough so that he is damaged.

The crew are marched on for another few seconds with STRAHA checking that his nose is still in place, eventually they stop at a large metal door and the lead GUARD approaches it and touches an intercom next to it.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader, sir. I have brought the
dangerous criminals of unknown origin.

A mighty booming voice speaks out from the communicator.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent! Bring them in!

The door opens and the crew are hustled through.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORE- DAY

The core of the capital building is a rather large room with the same science fiction appearance as the corridor. There are a few doors similar to the one everyone has just entered scattered around at even intervals and it has the same glass roof (much, much higher in this case) however the entirety of the room is taken up by a unusual cylindrical machine (?) in the middle.

The machine is in two parts- the top is attached to the ceiling in the middle (where it takes the place of the glass) and looks like four pincers pointing downwards.
Then follows a relatively large gap before we get to the bottom of the machine which has the same pincers pointing upwards, beneath these is tall burgundy curtain not unlike those you would find in the theatre which is concealing the very bottom of the machine.

The lead GUARD approaches the machine and removes her (?!?!) helmet- her hair is shaved and she has several gold teeth.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader! We your loyal servants
stand ready to exact your punishment upon these villains!

Electricity crackles around the pincers for a moment then a huge holographic image of a floating head appears between them. He looks somewhat like the Norse God Thor.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent work; You may now leave us! It has been
so long since someone dared to challenge my power,
I shall deal with them myself!

The GUARD promptly salutes then heads towards the exit, as she walks past the crew the other guards fall into line behind her.

As she passes the crew the camera notices MATT looking at her funny- presumably due to realising he’s had his arse kicked by a girl.

The door closes behind the guards and the crew spread out to speak to the leader.

STRAHA
(overly sarcastically)
She seems like a nice woman

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh she is; excellent cook too.

The crew look amongst themselves in surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
That sounds suspiciously like an opinion

The ALMIGHTY LEADER spits (holographicly) as he speaks.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Of course it is you pathetic worm! I am the almighty leader
of all! I am the sole purveyor of opinion on this planet!

GREY WOLF
(aside to the crew)
Ah now this all makes perfect sense…

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What! What was that! Speak up! I hear all! I know all!
Admit what you said and I shall go lenient on you!

GREY WOLF
I said you look a lot like a god!

OTHNIEL
Grey Wolf! How could you!

The ALMIGHTY LEADER now gets very smug seemingly forgetting punishment, revelling in the praise

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Ha! But of course I do! For I am practically a god am I not?

GREY WOLF
Indeed you are! I bet you have a magnificent physique also!

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh yes! Of course I do! I won Mr.Universe ten years
running back before all such opinion reliant
competitions were shut down!

GREY WOLF
Yeah about that…

ALMIGHTY LEADER doesn’t like having the rain of compliments broken.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What!! Explain yourself at once you…you PATHETIC WORM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside)
I hope you know what you’re doing…

GREY WOLF
I thought opinion was banned in this world?
How do you let me get away
with such blatant oppinioneering?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
That was not opinion! That was fact! I am the
Almighty Leader! Extolling my virtues is as
much fact as saying the sky is blue!

Everyone looks up- it is a rather overcast day.

STRAHA
It looks grey to me

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

STRAHA
The sky isn’t blue its grey. Any idiot can see that

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY
JUDGEMENT! MY WILL IS ABSOLUTE!

GREY WOLF
You see, now that’s the problem

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

GREY WOLF
The thing isn’t that opinion is evil. It’s that any opinion
other then yours is evil. Am I not right on this?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU! I SHALL CRUSH YOU AT ONCE!

A look of straining crosses his face.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh dammit…err…you there!

OTHNIEL
Me?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Yes you! Would you mind pulling that red button over
by door number eight for me please?

The camera pans to the big red button- above it is a message that says ‘machine gun power breaker’.

GREY WOLF
Now I don’t think that would be in our best interests do you?
That is not the issue at stake however. We must really get down
to the crux of the matter. How did you come to be supreme
dictator of the known world and clamp down on opinions
other then your own so mercilessly?

Taking this as a compliment ALMIGHTY LEADER mellows.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Through the power of my supreme strength, intelligence
and charisma!! It all began back in 1981, I was ch…

While the leader is busy blabbering away GREY WOLF whispers to OTHNIEL.

GREY WOLF
On my que please pull that curtain over there

OTHNIEL looks confused but heads to the curtain all the same- the leader is too wrapped up in his own thoughts. When he is in position GREY WOLF interrupts- the leader looks angry at first but on hearing more compliments changes back to ‘happy mode’.

GREY WOLF
Charisma you say? Could you tell me more about your magnificent charisma?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My charisma is legendary! As I said I won Mr.Universe ten years running!
And I was on the cover of Smash Hits magazine five times! And I always
won the sexiest male award in every single award ceremony- there were so
many of them I didn’t even have the time to go and fetch all the trophies.
Once I was in a shop and I asked for milk but the old lady behind the counter
was so enthralled by my magnificence she had a heart attack and
died on the spot!! And then the…

GREY WOLF is making minor noises of encouragement and interest as the leader blabbers on. At this point he nods to OTHNIEL who pulls the curtain to reveal a glass tank- Within the tank is a rather impressive array of computers, in the centre of which stands a very short man dressed in regal robes. He is not pleasant on the eye and is obviously getting on in years- he has a terrible comb over.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU DO THAT YOU PATHETIC MORTAL!

The look of straining passes over the holographic image whilst the man quickly presses a lot of buttons.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Dammit…Erm…You there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Would you be the helpful fellow and press the red button by do…

DOCTOR WHAT
Nope.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
CURSES!
I swore I would deal with you myself
and deal with you I shall!

GREY WOLF
No, no, no, please wait. I feel we’re really making some
progress here. Now; Can you tell me about your parents?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Swine!
Perfidious fascist communist swine!
The day my mother died was the day I was free!
The house was mine! All mine! No longer was I
her prisoner! I was free to take my own destiny and
that of the entire world into my hands!

GREY WOLF
How old were you when this um…happened?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Thirty four. For thirty four years I was forced to live with that witch!
This horrible bitter wretched woman! It was my father’s fault! When
he ran away with that woman from Tescos it changed her! Changed her!
ALAS MOTHER! MOTHER YOU SWINE!

GREY WOLF
Aha, aha, and um what can you tell me about your childhood?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well…How about school. How were things at school?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
School! That accursed building where they alter young minds
into shapes more befitting the role of the societal wage slave!
School! The other children! They made things hell! But I showed
them all! I crushed them! They were first against the wall when
the revolution came! Well…First after the old government of course.

GREY WOLF
Of course

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Those other children! The inferior wretches that they were!
For they bullied me! They lavished beatings and harsh words
upon me on a daily basis! And why? Was it jealousy for my
superior intellect?! Alas no; those pathetic worms cared not
for such important matters! Those wretches! They made fun
of me purely for…for…

GREY WOLF
Yes…?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My name! Alas my name!

GREY WOLF
I….see. And what may I ask is your name?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Obbell Wenmo Rentafac Ibu Yagsep
Tixud Oco Netub Scisat Eevume Lintis
Enadud Cu Dane Williams

DOCTOR WHAT quickly interrupts whilst OBBELL takes a deep breath

DOCTOR WHAT
Blimey that is a long name; I can see
how things would have been tough…

OBBELL
(angry)
I’m not finished yet!

MATT checks his watch.

MATT
How much more is there? I mean first all of Grey Wolf’s
weird head hurty stuff and now this…

OBBELL
Ten

OTHNIEL
And how long are these ten words?

OBBELL
Its not ten words, its ten minutes!

A look of horror cross the face of all.

GREY WOLF
OK, no need to read them all out. I think we get the point.
One thing stands out in my mind however- how could
you be picked on for that name?

OBBELL
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue does it?
Obbell Wineo Rentafax I do Yager…whatever.
Not really the stuff schoolyard bullying is made of.

OBBELL
How so?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t RHYME very well.
Most people’s names have at least one
insulting rhyme. For instance What the swot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey!

GREY WOLF
Matt the pratt…

MATT
Do you WANT a black eye?

GREY WOLF
Othniel the surreal

OTHNIEL
What? Did you say my name Grey Wolf?

GREY WOLF
Straha the spakha

STRAHA
Who the fuck are you calling a spakha you friggin idiot.
What the hell even is a fucking spkha?

OBBELL
HA! WRONG! That doesn’t rhyme.
Its spakka, not spakha.

GREY WOLF
Yes..Well…You get my
point though don’t you?

OBBELL
I suppose I do…But why else would
they pick on me if not for my name?

The crew look amongst themselves awkwardly…All except for STRAHA.

STRAHA
Because you’re a bald, ugly dwarf?

OBBELL
WHAT! How dare you address me so! I WILL CRUSH YOU!

MATT
You and what army? Your machine gun button thingy is broke.

OBBELL touches a button on his controls

OBBELL
This one!
Guards! The intruders! Destroy them at once!

The six huge heavily armed women burst into the room and converge on the crew who back off steadily until they are all stood cornered, back-to-back. As women draw ever closer with clubs raised ready to bash Matt notices the head guard is directly in front of him.

MATT
Wow…You…you…You’re hot!

GUARD
Statement Irrelevant. You have disobeyed the will
of the almighty leader. Conclusion Disobeyers of
wills are to be destroyed.
Reason So says the almighty leader.

MATT
But…The curve of your lips,
the depth of your eyes, the way the…

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think this is the time….

MATT
The wonderful…POWER you can
just see in those muscles!

The guard cocks her head at MATT.

GUARD
This is opinion. This is…Disobeyed….So says
almighty leader…But…Pleasant feeling…
Opinion…Not…. STOP!!!!!

All the other guards stop instantly in shock as this one throws herself on MATT and the two start snogging furiously.

GUARD 2
Statement Kate is in state of supreme arousal.
Statement Feminine arousal is good.
Reason So says almighty leader on almighty leader’s
bi-weekly fun time. Extrapolation Arousal is achieved
via strange men. Logical course of action engage
in lip lock with strange men

The crew look at each other in horror obviously not having MATT’s unusual taste in enormous, muscle bound women. The guards put away their clubs and begin approaching the crew again with lips pert ready for kissing and eyes closed.

The crew all quickly run out of same door (on the opposite end of the room to the one they originally entered) .

OBBELL
Guards! Seize them at once! I am
the almighty leader! Obey my will!

The guards all snap out of their semi-trance like state and look around confused.

GUARD 2
Question Where have foreign men gone? Extrapolation
Foreign men not interested in us. Extrapolation All men
not interested in us. Conclusion All men…
EVIL BASTARDS! DESTROY THEM!

Yelling furiously the women draw their clubs once more and charge at OBBELL leaping over MATT and KATE/GUARD (who are still engaged in lip lock and beginning to shed armour) as they go.

They start furiously attacking OBBELLS tank, sparks fly and cracks appear in the glass. The scene fades out with OBBELL’s shouts of protest ringing over the smashing.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

The crew come into view all running furiously down the corridor occasionally glancing behind themselves, they dash into a side alcove and all collapse into a sitting position breathing heavily

GREY WOLF
I think we’ve lost them…

OTHNIEL
Poor, poor Matt….

STRAHA
I don’t know; he seemed to be enjoying it to me…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah well…Rather him then me…

DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator pipes up.

TORQUMADA (comm)
I’ve finished it! The anti-grey rainbow
bomb has been completed!

STRAHA
Wow! What amazingly coincidental timing!

GREY WOLF clips Straha around the ear and gives a quick look directly towards the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent. Prepare for immediate deployment.
Repeat Immediate deployment.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Really? You’re sure? You don’t want to put it through rigorous
safety tests, demand that I tone down its strength and eventually
deploy it in a year or two; long after the original reason for its
creation has passed? Wow…Well. If you insist captain then it
seems I have no choice but to unleash this glori…err…
necessary weapon of mass destruction

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait!

TORQUMADA
(comms)
I knew it

DOCTOR WHAT
What about us? Don’t we need protection?

TORQUMADA (comm)
…right…err…Of course you do…I wouldn’t err…
dream of harming any of you because…You know…
I love you all so much….err…Protection, protection…hmm

The sound of TORQUMADA hastily rushing around on the ship knocking things over can be briefly heard over the comms.

TORQUMADA (comm)
OK, I’ve cleared it with G.Bone.
The protection SHOULD be with you in a few ticks.

No sooner has he said this then five large packets- about quarter of a metre square appear in front of the men.

OTHNIEL
What on earth…?

DOCTOR WHAT picks up one of the packets from the top of the pile and after a quick examination opens it. From it he pulls a giant pink condom. OTHNIEL makes the sign of the cross to this.

OTHNIEL
Oh dear god…

STRAHA grabs DOCTOR WHAT’s hand and speaks into the communicator.

STRAHA
Err dude, I appreciate the
compliment but not even a horse co…

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear again.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Its for your head you blithering idiot

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside to GREY WOLF)
Why do you keep doing that anyway?

GREY WOLF
Negative reinforcement

A look of ‘hmm…I’ll have to try that’ crosses DOTOR WHAT’s face

OTHNIEL
But…Is this allowed? I mean
they say…Contraception…Its…

DOCTOR WHAT
Do it, that’s an order

OTHNIEL
But…Its…contraception.
Destroying potential life

DOCTOR WHAT
No its quite the opposite actually. Its saving life.
By pulling that giant pink condom over your head
you are doing the lord’s work.

OTHNIEL thinks about it for a second then nods. The four men grab a packet each and pull out a condom, which they then stretch over their head.

STRAHA
Ouch! The pain! Agh!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got it on inside out you berk!…Grr there’s no time
for that now. Just…Try to keep all your…Openings closed.
We’ll see about getting that thing off when we get back to the ship

STRAHA collapses to which DOCTOR WHAT simply rolls his eyes. He pulls up his condom a bit to allow his mouth to be out then speaks into his communicator

DOCTOR WHAT
OK, we’re ready!

GREY WOLF
Mmph, mmph, mmph

DOCTOR WHAT gives a brief quizzical look so GREY WOLF pulls up his condom then speaks again

GREY WOLF
What about Matt?

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt…Well….Matt is happy.
We’d best not disturb him

TORQUMADA
(comms)
Here is goes! Mwa ha ha ha!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT hastily pull down their condoms all the way. The screen goes white and the camera briefly focuses on the faces of the three remaining crew members each horribly distorted by the translucent pink plastic and the ‘extreme pain and agony’ expressions etched on their faces.

The screen gets ever whiter all the time until it is entirely this colour. After a few moments a rainbow shoots across the screen- followed by another- then another.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

It’s the same street we saw earlier only this time it is freakishly well lit.

People are running around in panic as rainbows shoot around the screen, whatever the rainbows hit looses its grey colouring and instead of gaining realistic normal colours gain utterly gaudy, practically cartoon-like colouring.

The camera closes on the COP from earlier, he dodges one rainbow, then another, but then one bounces off a pink wall opposite him and slams him square in the chest.

The policeman is knocked to the ground and we can see intense pain etched on his face for a moment; then however we get an enormous grin. The camera pans out a bit to show the whole of the policeman’s uniform- now sky blue with pink trimmings. The policeman pulls himself and the camera follows him, he then walks away from the camera in an immensely camp fashion wiggling his arse as he goes.

ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Gathered in the control room is LUKAEL, GREY WOLF, DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA and TORQUMADA

LUKAEL
Another world liberated from vile villainy!
Hooray for the ah.com crew! Hip, hip…

Straha clips LUKAEL around the ear

STRAHA
You didn’t do anything you idiot.

LUKAEL
Sure I did! I helped the Torque-meister!

TORQUMADA
Don’t call me that.
And as I recall events you wouldn’t stop pestering me so
I said you could help by cleaning my door.

LUKAEL
And I did it didn’t I?

DOCTOR WHAT ruffles LUKAEL’s hair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sure you did, good boy. Run along now,
we’ve got a debriefing to do

LUKAEL leaves the room looking very pleased with himself, straight after he exits MATT- whose power armour is bright yellow with pink flowers painted on it enters the room and takes his place around the table.

MATT
(camp)
Hi, hi, sorry I’m late.

GREY WOLF
Do you mind if I go too? I am
rather tired, its been a busy day…

GREY WOLF doesn’t wait for confirmation and leaves the room.

STRAHA
And I’ve got to…water my plants

STRAHA also leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wonder why everyone’s in such a hurry…

DOCTOR WHAT looks towards MATT who waves to him camply and blows a kiss.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah. Now that I think about it I have…Something.
To do too. Any thoughts on the mission? No? Fi…

OTHNIEL
I have one

DOCTOR WHAT
Grr…..err….yes?

OTHNIEL
I fear we have just doomed those poor people to eternal damnation,
just look at poor brother Matt here and due to the act he was engaged
in when the bomb hit he was somewhat protected from its worst effects.
I fear that we have just created yet another world full of sinners…

TORQUMADA
I doubt that…

OTHNIEL
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA
Well the very nature of their ‘sin’ means there won’t be much
of a world down there after a generation or so…

A brief look of horror crosses the faces of DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL at the possibility they have just wiped out a entire civilization. The camera fades out with MATT getting ‘a bit too close’ to OTHNIEL.

EXT. – STREET – NIGHT

The same street yet again this time covered entirely in the horrible gaudy colours. The camera focuses on a manhole which is opened and out from it climbs LEEJ and co. Their clothes have turned into still rather bland pastel shades (being underground having let them escape the worst effects) . The men each look around the street rubbing their eyes in intense confusion.

COP
You there!

LEEJ, CRAIG and a female rebel are the only ones visible. A look of horror crosses LEEJ’s face at recognition of this policeman’s voice. The rebels slowly turn to look towards the voice the camera going with him, standing right there is indeed our COP in his ultra-camp uniform.

LEEJ
Have I…Done something…Officer?

When the COP speaks he has lost his stern, authoritarian nigh on robotic manner and instead speaks horrifically camp.

COP
You have indeed mister!

LEEJ is confused but still the fear that this is the COP is overriding.

LEEJ
What…Is it…?

COP
Those clothes! Ugh! So…BLAND! Ouch! You are
under arrest for not being FABULOUS!

CUT TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS