TEASER

The camera opens on a scene of a plush furnished sitting room with a fireplace. The camera pans across the room and stops on a large easy chair. DAVE HOWERY is sitting on it, a pleasant smile on his face, facing the camera.

DAVE HOWERY
Hello, and welcome to another episode of AH.COM: THE SERIES.
For tonight’s episode, we are taking the unusual step of focusing on
a single character over the course of a single day. We have chosen
a character who has had little screen time on this show: G BONE.
Your many cards and letters have asked for more information on this
person. Who is he, what are his likes and dislikes, hey what about
G BONE, etc. We have responded with this episode; it’s all about
G BONE. You might say it’s a G BONE-riffic episode.

LUAKEL’s voice is heard off camera.

LUAKEL (Off Screen)
HA HA HA! He said boner! Hee hee hee!

DAVE HOWERY
Shut up, you little maggot, I’m trying to do an intro here!

LUAKEL (OS)
Ha ha! Boner! Ha ha ha ha!

DAVE HOWERY suddenly looks infuriated, hops up out of the chair and snatches up his adamantium chainsaw. He fires it up and runs off screen. LUAKEL is still heard off camera.

LUAKEL (OS)
Ha ha ha! That’s so funny!
Boner! Ha ha….AAAAHHHH!

The camera is still focused on the empty chair, but a lot of noise, screaming, crashes, thuds, yelling, a cat snarling, a cow mooing, falling crockery, and the roaring chainsaw is heard off camera. DOCTOR WHAT’s panicked voice is suddenly heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, Dave, don’t cut the power cabl….

The screen suddenly goes black.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DAY IN THE LIFE OF G.BONE”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- G BONE’S QUARTERS- DAY

Fade up from black.

The camera pans across a messy bedroom, clothes scattered far and wide. It stops on a view of the dresser, and closes in on a figurine on the top. It is a Hawaiian hula girl with a digital clock clock in her stomach. Tight on a digital face of a clock, the green numbers read “6:59”. It changes to “7:00” and the hula girl starts waving her mechanical hands and swaying her grass skirt as loud hula music plays; this is obviously an alarm clock.

The camera pans across the room and stops on G BONE’s bed. All that is seen is a big nest of blankets and sheets with a foot sticking out, with loud snores sawing through the room. As the alarm sounds, the foot twitches, but no other movement is seen.

Pull back:

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 7:30 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- G BONE’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera opens on G BONE’s bed again, foot still sticking out. The intercom clicks on, and DAVE HOWERY is heard.

DAVE HOWERY
G BONE! Do you hear me?!
You’re late again!
Get your lazy ass out of bed!

The foot retreats into the nest of blankets, which shifts and stirs, and suddenly G BONE sits up, obviously not awake yet.

G BONE
Mommy, I don’t want to go to school today,
all the other boys laugh at me and pick on
me and call me names.

G BONE sits up for a moment and then collapses back down onto the bed. Snores are heard moments later.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 8:00 AM

The camera opens on G BONE’s bed, with him still snoring away lustily. DAVE HOWERY is heard on the intercom again.

DAVE HOWERY
G BONE!! Get. Up. NOW!!

G BONE
(slurred voice)
Don’ wanna…

DAVE HOWERY
Get up or I’ll dock you a day’s pay!

G BONE
Don’ wanna…

DAVE HOWERY
Get up or I’ll revoke all your porn privileges!

G BONE
Don’ wanna…

DAVE HOWERY
Get up or I’ll send KIT to wake you up!

G BONE jumps out of bed in a flash, looking scared. He’s wearing pajamas that have pictures of surfers on them.

G BONE
I’m up!

DAVE HOWERY
Good. Hustle up… we got problems up here.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 8:30 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- G BONE’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera opens on G BONE in his washroom. He has obviously just showered and is shaving in front of the mirror, towel around his waist. He is singing a tune (loudly and off key) as he shaves.

G BONE
I just stepped down from the airplane
When I heard her say
Wacka wacka nuka licka
Wacka wacka nuka licka
Would you like a lei?

Hey, let’s talk dirty in Hawaiian
Whisper in my ear
Kicka puka maka waawaa heenee
Are the words I long to hear
Lay your coconut on my tickie
Whata hecka mooka mooka dear
Let’s talk dirty in Hawaiian
Say the words I long to hear.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 9:00 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen walking through the door. Most of the crew members are at their stations. DAVE HOWERY looks up from the engineering console, angrily.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s about frickin’ time! I swear, I’m going to reroute
the sprinkler system to run over your bed, maybe you’ll
be inspired to wake up earlier.

G BONE
Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see that happen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, I’d just like to see him fix the toilet he overflowed on Deck 10.

DAVE HOWERY
You shut the hell up, Psycho!

G.BONE
(yawning)
So, what’s the big emergency?

He looks at the viewscreen, which is showing a view of the earth far below. Another ship suddenly comes into view; it is a sharply raked ship bristling with weaponry and sporting a skull and crossbones insignia boldly on its hull.

G BONE
Wha… are you kidding me?!
Space pirates?
Didn’t we fight some of them off last time?

GBW
Those were Japanese.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s no joke. They’re trying to burn through
our shields and teleport aboard. LEO, what
have you been able to find out about them?

LEO CAESIUS
Their weaponry is formidable, but they don’t seem to be willing
to use it on us… they probably want to capture and loot the ship,
rather than blow it up. They have a special electronic device that
is trying to take down our shields. They are slowly compromising
them. The shields will collapse in 90 minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! Is there anything we can do about it?

DAVE HOWERY thinks deeply for a moment, but doesn’t seem to have any answers.

G BONE
Well, if we had a Hyperplasmic Resonating Compensator,
we could hook it up to the shields and set it at .376 megasonics,
that’d stop them cold.

DOCTOR WHAT and DAVE HOWERY look at each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, is that right?

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… yes?
(glances to Psychomeltdown, who only gives a blank stare)
Yeah…

DOCTOR WHAT
Gee, that’s inspiring. And do we have one of
those hyperplasmodic remonstrating gizmos?

DAVE HOWERY
Actually, yes. I bought one back when everyone thought you were
dead and IAN was giving us truckloads of free money. The guy I
bought the widescreen plasma TV, the snowcone machine, and
the pony from threw it in as a freebie.

DOCTOR WHAT
We have a pony on board?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, yeah, but STRAHA took it into his quarters one night
and did God knows what with it, and now I don’t want it
anymore. But anyway, we do have an HRC down in the storeroom.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes! All right, get on that right away. Meanwhile, LEO,
start planning an emergency jump out of this timeline.

LEO CAESIUS
Very well, but we will be unable to jump while the device is
active against us. It disrupts the spatial substructure around us,
and we will be unable to open a portal while it is active.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, let’s take it out of the equation. G BONE, go get
the HRC… it’s down in the storeroom, get it and take it t
o Engineering. PSYCHOMELTDOWN, you and me will
go there now and prep the shield generator. Let’s go!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Huh? What’s going on?

DAVE HOWERY
Get up and let’s go!

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN run out of the bridge, while G BONE ambles out and heads toward the elevators.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 9:30 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- STOREROOM- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a very dark room. The door opens, and we see G BONE standing there. He reaches in and flips on a light switch. A look of shock goes across his face, and the camera switches to his POV.

The camera shows a huge room filled with row after row of boxes, bags, and barrels. G BONE wanders in the room and looks around helplessly. He scratches his head.

G BONE
Where the hell do I start looking?

He starts walking up and down the rows of boxes, looking at labels.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 10:30 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- STOREROOM- DAY

The camera opens on G BONE walking along a row of boxes, still reading labels. DAVE HOWERY’s voice comes over the intercom.

DAVE HOWERY
G BONE!! Where the hell are you?!
We need that HRC now!!

G BONE
Where is it? This place is frickin’
huge, and it’s packed full!

DAVE HOWERY
It’s right next to the spare Q32 modulator.

G BONE
Okay… uh, where’s that?

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it! It’s right there by the…

The ship is suddenly shaken violently, and G BONE staggers to stay upright. LEO CAESIUS is heard on the intercom.

LEO CAESIUS
WARNING! DEFENSE SHIELDS HAVE BEEN
COMPROMISED! UNAUTHORIZED TRANSPORT
IN PROGRESS!

DAVE HOWERY
Crap! G BONE, it’s too late! Get back up here and
help defend the ship. Watch out for boarders!

G BONE
Understood! I’ll be right there!

G BONE looks around and sees nothing but rows of boxes.

G BONE
Where is the door?

HULA GIRL CLOCK : 11:00 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- STOREROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen walking along rows of boxes. He turns a corner and finds himself in a dead end. He turns and walks down another aisle. Moments later, he finds himself in another dead end. His shoulders slump.

G BONE
Damn it, I could have sworn that door was over here.

He yawns.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 11:30 AM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- STOREROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen lying on a pile of laundry bags, asleep. He is snoring loudly. The intercom can be heard occasionally, with various crew members yelling as shooting and explosions are heard in the background.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 12:30 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- STOREROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen still snoozing, but a loud noise suddenly wakes him up. As he blinks and listens, shooting and yelling can be heard dimly nearby. He stands and walks around a stack of boxes, and sees the door! He walks over to it and opens it, stepping out into the corridor.

INT- AH. COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

G BONE steps into view, closing the storeroom door behind him. Looking around, he sees WEAPON M nearby, firing an M16 on full auto fire into a group of space pirates; these folks are large bearded men with three corner hats, black boots, white frilly shirts, and advanced high tech pistols with laser sights.

WEAPON M
Die you bastards, die!

And they do; the space pirates go down into a messy heap, dead and dying. WEAPON M looks around for a moment, and then talks into a com unit.

WEAPON M
You there, Doc? I cleaned up the last of
them here on Deck C. Any more around?

DOCTOR WHAT
(on com unit)
No, that’s all of them. But we’re not done yet.
The pirates have a pet. Better get back up here.

WEAPON M looks around and sees G BONE standing there listening.

WEAPON M
Damn, where have you been?! Everyone thought
you were dead or captured or something. Come on,
let’s get back up to the control room.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 1:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- BRIDGE- DAY

WEAPON M and G BONE walk onto the bridge. It is a wreck, with sparking broken equipment, bullet holes, and scorch marks everywhere. DOCTOR WHAT and MATT are in here; the latter is piling dead space pirates by the captain’s chair. LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and TORQUMADA are also in here, trying to clean up some of the mess.

WEAPON M
How’d we do, doc? Any casualties?

DOCTOR WHAT
No one dead on our side. But… did you
hear what happened to MICHAEL?

WEAPON M
Yeah… poor kid.

TORQUMADA
Don’t worry, in a month or two, he’ll be able to
tie his shoes and see colors again.

WEAPON M
So, what did you mean, the pirates have a pet?

DOCTOR WHAT
Just a sec, here, let me see if I can
get the view screen back up…

DOCTOR WHAT fiddles with the controls on his chair. The view screen shimmers, and comes back into operation. The space pirate ship is still seen on the screen, but something is coming into view from behind it. First, all that is seen is a number of long waving tentacles. Finally, the whole creature comes into view.

G BONE
A squid?!
A giant flying space squid?!
Oh, for Pete’s sake,
that takes the cake, I mean really,
I thought I’d seen it all… but this?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, well, it’s real, and it’s bigger than our
ship, and it’s heading this way.

The view screen shows the squid suddenly jet forward, filling the screen.

LUAKEL
Permission to crap myself, captain.

DOCTOR WHAT
Granted.

The ship shakes violently. A piece of ceiling panel falls down and hits LANDSHARK right on the head. He drops to the floor. TORQUMADAruns over to him, and waves a vial of smelling salts under his nose. LANDSHARK starts awake and looks blearily around, his eyes crossing and uncrossing.

TORQUMADA
Hey! You alright?

LANDSHARK
Wha… who… huh?

TORQUMADA
Uh oh, may have a concussion here.
Hey, can you tell me where you are?

LANDSHARK
Of course. I’m on the bridge of the AH.COM.

TORQUMADA
Good. Now, can you tell me the date?

LANDSHARK
Of course, it’s Today.

TORQUMADA
Very good. Now, can you tell me your name?

LANDSHARK
Well, duh, I’m…. MAMA CASS!

LANDSHARK starts singing “Dream a Little Dream Of Me” at the top of his voice. TORQUMADAhauls him to his feet.

TORQUMADA
I’ll take him to the medical ward.

LANDSHARK
I can’t go! I have a show to do…
my fans are
counting on me! Ooh, wait…
who is that dreamboat over there?

The camera shifts angles, and we see that LANDSHARK is looking at G BONE with a dreamy expression.

LANDSHARK
He’s sooooo cute! Is he single?

IRON YUPPIE looks at LANDSHARK and G BONE both with an expression of anger and building rage.

G BONE
Uh… I have to get to Engineering. Right now.

G BONE runs out the door in a hurry. As he leaves, LANDSHARK is heard calling out to him.

LANDSHARK
See you later, sweetie!

END ACT I

ACT II

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 1:30 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera shows the door to Engineering, which opens. G BONE walks in, and suddenly stops, goggling at something off camera. The camera switches to his POV.

The large Engineering station has been infiltrated by several of the tentacles of the giant space squid. One has wrapped around PSYCHOMELTDOWN and is holding him high above the deck; he’s screaming like a girl. DAVE HOWERY is facing off against the other tentacles with his adamantium chainsaw, laughing madly as he severs one of them. A couple of other severed tentacles lie twitching on the floor nearby. As the tentacle is cut, a low grinding roar of pain is heard from outside the ship.

The camera switches back to G BONE, who backs up against the door in fear. He opens it and runs out of the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING CORRIDOR- DAY

G BONE is seen quietly shutting the door to Engineering. A sound from off camera draws his attention. He turns to see yet another tentacle come around the corner, waving around as it seeks prey. G BONE turns and flees from it. The tentacle somehow senses him and squirms after him.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 2:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

G BONE is seen walking along a corridor, looking confused.

G BONE
Where am I?

He comes to a cross corridor, and looks up and down every direction, and scratches his head. A loud noise is heard from the corridor on his right, and he backs up. LANDSHARK comes into view, running headlong down the corridor, and he is wearing a hospital gown (one of those embarrassing ones that tie in the back and leave your butt exposed) . He is singing “Make Your Own Kind of Music” at the top of his voice as he runs. He runs off camera to the left. Moments later, TORQUMADAis seen running after him, a hypodermic needle in his hand.

TORQUMADA
Get back here, you idiot Brit!

TORQUMADA runs off camera to the left. G BONE shrugs and continues down the corridor ahead. Moments after he moves off camera, THANDE and GREY WOLF come walking down the right hand corridor.

THANDE
Damn, MICHAEL looks really bad.
I didn’t know the damage was so extensive.

GREY WOLF
Poor kid. He may never be able to have children
or pleasure a woman ever again… not that I’m sure
he ever did before, but now he may not get the chance.

THANDE
Well, TORQUMADA does pretty good work.
He may come through for MICHAEL yet.

GREY WOLF
I think I need a drink.

THANDE
(musing tones)
Well, if Torq can’t do it, and I’m sure he won’t be able to.
Maybe I can whip up something to fix the problem…

The two walk off camera to the left.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 2:30 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CREW QUARTERS CORRIDOR- DAY

G BONE is walking up the corridor and trying doors at random, all of which are locked. He finally finds one that is open, and steps into the room beyond.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

G BONE walks into a room that is plush and furnished with soft chairs and a huge 4 poster bed. Lurid posters are on the walls… except for one wall, which has a big entertainment center in front of it, with a VCR and a big screen TV and rack after rack after rack of video tapes. G BONE walks over to the racks with trembling knees. The camera switches to his POV, and we see that he is looking at a huge collection of lesbian porn tapes. He reaches out a shaking hand and caresses one tape with the title of “Vampire Vixens from Venus”. He falls to his knees.

G BONE
Oh. My. God. It’s part of the Doc’s collection!

G BONE takes the tape and pops it into the VCR.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 3:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

G BONE is seen sitting in one of DOCTOR WHAT’s easy chairs. He is leaning forward, all attention on the TV off camera… the flickering lights from it reflect off of his face. The cheesy music and fake moans of porn can be heard dimly in the background. After a few moments, the ship suddenly shakes, and the giant space squid is heard growling in the background, in defeat and pain. G BONE looks up annoyed, and picks up the remote; he turns up the sound.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 4:00 PM

INT- AH. COM SHIP- DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

G BONE is seen still sitting in the easy chair, porn playing off camera. He is still staring intently at the TV, but stretches and leans back in the chair. As he does so the camera pulls back, and we see LUAKEL standing behind the chair, looking in rapture at the TV off camera. G BONE glances up, and does a double take. He stands up quickly.

G BONE
LUAKEL!! What the hell are you doing in here?!

LUAKEL
(dazedly)
Lookit all the boobies…

G BONE picks up the remote and turns off the TV.

LUAKEL
Hey! I was watching that!

G BONE
Forget it, kid. You’re too young.
Now, what are you doing here?

LUAKEL
I come to get you. LEO tracked you down in here. Boy, was
the Doc pissed when he found out you were in here. They’ve
been calling you over the intercom for half an hour, but I guess
you were too ‘distracted’ to notice.
(giggles)

G BONE looks briefly panicked.

G BONE
What did they want me to do?

LUAKEL
The Doc said, and I quote, “Get your mangy carcass out
of my room and down to the teleporter room.”

G BONE
All right, all right, I’m going.

He walks over to the door and opens it, holding it for LUAKEL. After a moment, he looks over and sees LUAKEL sitting in the easy chair, porn on the TV on full blast, staring fixedly at the screen. G BONE walks back to him, grabs an arm, and starts pulling him out of the room. LUAKEL yells as he is dragged.

LUAKEL
But I don’t want to go to the teleporter room, I want to
stay here and see the boobies, oh why can’t I see the
boobies, it’s not fair, no… no… NOOOOOOooooooo…..

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 4:30 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTER ROOM- DAY

The camera opens on the door to the teleporter room. It opens, and G BONE walks in, still dragging LUAKEL. LUAKEL is still protesting, but his voice has gone hoarse and he can only croak out an occasional word.

LUAKEL
Boobies… boobies…

G BONE suddenly stops, looking shocked. The camera switches to his POV. DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are in the room. A huge mechanical centipede, 16’ long, is coiled up on the teleporter pad. As G BONE walks into the room, it rises up in front of him, hissing menacingly. G BONE looks numb with fear.

G BONE
Mommy…

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who looks up and sees the situation. He takes out a remote control, points it at the centipede, and pushes a button. The centipede goes quiet, and coils back up on the teleporter pad.

DAVE HOWERY
About time you showed up. We have a technical problem here.
The damn pirates are trying to destroy the ship; I think they got
pissed off when we beat their pet, and decided that if they can’t
capture us, they’re gonna kill us. The shields are the only thing
holding us together. The controls for most of the weapons were
shot up on the bridge, and the weapons systems are down.
So, we came up with this little plan.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, this is your plan, I want no blame for any of it.

DAVE HOWERY
It’ll work! Really… do my plans ever fail?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL, and G BONE
(in unison)
Yes.

DAVE HOWERY
Well… the 33rd time is the charm. Anyway, we don’t have anything
else to throw at them. If we can get my little pet here aboard their ship,
it’ll tear them apart. It’s made of high carbon steel with a molecular
bonding agent, so it’s damn near indestructible, and its teeth and talons
are sharp as modern science can make them. Now, all we have to do is
find a way to bust through their shields and beam it aboard.

G BONE
That’s all? Easy. Tighten the teleporter beam to 27 cycles
and set the frequency to 1.998.

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN look at each other.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Do you think he’s right?

DAVE HOWERY
Twice in one day? It doesn’t seem likely. But hey, I’m willing to give it
a shot. Okay, we’ll go down to Engineering and recalibrate the teleporter.
G BONE, you stay here and be ready to energize it on my mark. We’ll
probably have only a few seconds, so be right here ready to push the lever.
You hear me? Don’t go wandering off for a snack or a nap.

G BONE
Yeah yeah, I hear you. Don’t worry, I’ll be ready.

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN start to walk out of the room, when DAVE suddenly stops and looks at LUAKEL.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, and the Doc said to keep LUAKEL here with you and
away from his porn. You know how possessive he gets about it.

G BONE
No problem.

G BONE claps a hand on LUAKEL’S shoulder; he squeaks in anger and tries to run out of the room, but G BONE trips him. DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN shake their heads and walk out of the room.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 5:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTER ROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen sitting in his chair in front of the teleporter station. He is obviously fighting to stay awake, his eyes rolling back in his drooping head. He seems to fall asleep for a moment, his head sinking down to his chest. However, a loud sound off camera suddenly rouses him, and he looks around. The camera switches over to the door, where LUAKEL is frozen in the act of reaching out to hit the open button, a steel bucket on the floor by his feet, obviously kicked by accident. A look of fear is on his face. The camera switches back to G BONE.

G BONE
Oh no you don’t!

G BONE springs up out of his chair and runs at LUAKEL, who screams like a girl and pushes the button to open the door. However, he only gets halfway out before G BONE tackles him.

LUAKEL
NOOOOOO!!! Let me go! I wanna see boobies again!

G BONE ignores him and starts dragging him back into the room. Suddenly, the intercom is heard.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, G BONE, it worked! Energize it! Now now now!!

G BONE looks around in horror; he is clear across the room from the teleporter station. He picks up LUAKEL and throws him at the station. LUAKEL’S face hits the energizer lever, which is moved all the way on and then stops. LUAKEL does an amazing flip end over end and lands with a loud thud behind the station.

The camera switches to the teleporter pad. The mechanical centipede shimmers out of view. The camera switches back to G BONE, who does a quick happy jig and then runs out of the room.

The camera switches to the teleporter station. A pair of hands is seen reaching from behind it, and LUAKEL heaves himself up into view. The T-shaped energizer handle has left a perfect impression of itself on his forehead, and his eyes are crossed. He stands up groggily for a moment, and then collapses with a whimper.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 5:30 PM

INT- AH. COM SHIP- BRIDGE- DAY

The camera opens on the door to the bridge. It opens and G BONE walks in the room. The camera switches to his POV, and we see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN watching the main viewer. The pirate ship is seen on it, but is obviously having problems. It appears to be powerless; no lights are visible on it, and it is drifting aimlessly. Several tiny objects are floating around it.

G BONE
Wow. It worked, didn’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yep. Dave’s mechanical monster transported right
into their engineering room and took out the power
first thing, and then started hunting down the crew.

G BONE
What are all those things floating around the ship?

MATT
The pirates. A lot of them flung themselves out into
space rather than face up to Dave’s critter.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is watching the screen intently, a somewhat happy and mad look on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, yes, my pretty, what a fine job you’ve done,
who’s the best little mech ever, yes you is, yes you is!

The others look at him with disturbed expressions and shuffle away from him slightly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, those poor bastards are done for.
Only one thing left to do now…

WEAPON M
Loot the ship and then blow it up?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s like you read my mind. But first we need to have Dave
turn off his technological terror. Man, I hope they had some good porn…

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 7:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- NIGHT

All of the crew, except for LANDSHARK and MICHAEL, are seated at the tables in here, feasting and drinking. DOCTOR WHAT stands up with a raised glass; the rest of the crew quiets down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Once again, we manage to avoid getting our butts kicked!
Not only did we beat off an attack, we looted their ship and
got our hands on some food, spare parts, and enough booze
to keep even GREY WOLF happy for a few weeks. Not to
mention the huge pile of porn!

The rest of the crew all cheer.

DOCTOR WHAT
But let’s remember what it cost us. Let’s have a moment
of silence for MICHAEL, and pray for his speedy recovery.

DOCTOR WHAT and the crew all bow their heads for a moment; several of them look very somber.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, TORQ, what is the prognosis for MICHAEL?

TORQUMADA
He’ll recover in time. He’ll need some physical therapy
after I get all the spare body parts out of the clone tanks
and attached to him. LANDSHARK is still a problem;
he still insists he is MAMA CASS and has the hots for
G BONE. He’ll need a little time too, but should get over it.

Everyone laughs at G BONE, who turns red and sinks down in his chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah yes, the man of the hour.  G BONE,
you certainly did a fine job today, with
your two excellent ideas for defeating
the pirates’ technology.  This would
qualify you for a promotion and extra
privileges…

Everyone cheers and raises their glasses at G BONE, who sits up again and smiles.

G BONE
Thank you, thank you, really, it was nothing…

DOCTOR WHAT
…however, you also let LUAKEL see naked women,
which is a big no no. Therefore, I’m forced to cancel
your promotion and extra privileges.

G BONE
Thank you, thank… what?!

LUAKEL
Hey, I’ve seen naked women before! In fact, I’m pretty sure
I had sex with one. Let me think, it was… it was…
(a look of numb horror goes across his face)
Oh God. No. No.

DOCTOR WHAT nods to TORQUMADA, who is sitting next to LUAKEL. TORQUMADA sticks him with a hypodermic needle. LUAKEL turns groggy in seconds, his eyes going hazy and unfocused.

TORQUMADA
LUAKEL… hear me and remember what I say… you have
never seen naked women before… you have never had sex
with KIT’S evil female twin… you will remember nothing
of such things… wake up… now!

LUAKEL shakes his head, and looks around the room.

LUAKEL
What were we talking about? Oh yeah,
G BONE is in trouble for something.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, he is indeed. G BONE, your punishment will be to
spend one hour cleaning the bathroom in STRAHA’S quarters.

The rest of the crew gasps (except for STRAHA, who is looking at everything rather vaguely) , and G BONE turns pale.

G BONE
The horror… the horror…

END ACT II

TAG

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 10:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- G BONE’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

G BONE is seen in his bed, pulling up the covers to his chin. He yawns, and reaches over to turn off the light on his nightstand, plunging the room into darkness.

HULA GIRL CLOCK: 11:00 PM

INT- AH.COM SHIP- G BONE’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

The camera opens onto a scene of near darkness. G BONE can barely be seen tossing in his bed. An unseen person can be heard singing “Poetry Man” somewhere off camera. G BONE sits up and turns on his light. He looks around and then starts in surprise. The camera switches to his POV and we see LANDSHARK standing by the bed, looking down at G BONE with a fond expression.

LANDSHARK
Hi there cutie… come to mama!

The camera switches back to G BONE and zooms in on his face, which has an expression of sheer terror. As the screen begins to fades to black, his anguished scream is heard.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS