TEASER

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-CORRIDOR-DAY

We see MICHAEL walking down a corridor. He passes by a crew quarter door (marked IRONYUPPIE’S LAIR) when he notices that the door is open.

Glancing quickly up and down the corridor, MICHAEL hesitantly walks into IRONYUPPIE’s quarters.

IRONYUPPIE’s quarters look like some kind of bizarre combination of dominatrix dungeon, barbarian queen bedchambers and gun shop. There are numerous whips, handcuffs and guns hanging on the walls and virtually every available floor surface are covered with animal furs and skins of all kinds. The bed is massive and heaped with bearskins.

MICHAEL notices sitting in the corner a bizarre leathery egg about the size of his head. Its top is wide open. MICHAEL hesitantly walks over to it.

He hovers over the egg, peering inside, when suddenly a look of horror appears on his face.

A geyser of pea-soup looking vomit erupts forth from within the egg, spraying MICHAEL from head to toe with the stuff.

MICHAEL is frantically wiping the stuff off of him when we hear a voice from offscreen.

IRONYUPPIE (o.v.)
It looks like you’ve woken him up –
and just in time for playtime, too!

REVERSE SHOT-IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS-DAY

We are seeing IRONYUPPIE’s quarters from the corridor side. IRONYUPPIE is standing at the entrance. We see her hand reach over to a button on the side of the door.

We see the door slowly close shut.

CLOSE-UP – MICHAEL’s FACE

We see a look of abject horror on it.

CLOSE-UP – DOOR

We see it slam shut with a loud clang. A second or two later, we hear a bloodcurdling scream.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ARENA OF DEATH & PAIN & OTHER BAD THINGS”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – AH. COM SHIP – DAY

The Ah.com ship appears out of a vortex and settles into orbit around a mostly yellowish-brown planet.

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, LANDSHARK, and THANDE sitting at various stations. A viewscreen shows a shot of the planet from high orbit.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you got for us, Leo?

LEO
Not very promising, DOCTOR WHAT—preliminary scans indicate
that this is a dead Earth. Most of the planet’s surface is
covered with desert or rock. There are a few small pockets
of vegetation around various water sources but generally
speaking there is little or no life here.

MATT
No hot babes?

LEO
None.

DIAMOND
No booze?

LEO
Nope.

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn?

LEO
None whatsoever.

The Control Room crew contemplates a planet with no hot babes, booze or porn. They all give a shudder of fear.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh well—they can’t all be winners. Leo, prepare to –

The ship’s power suddenly flickers and dims. Emergency lights kick in a few seconds later.

LEO
(frantic voice)
Main power is offline! Emergency power
at 70%. Shields and weapons are down!

On the viewscreen a bright white ball of light about 30 feet or so across suddenly appears in front of the ship.

VOICE
(deep and foreboding)
(the whole ship actually shakes from the volume of the voice)
WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY SLUMBER?

DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet voice)
Er…so sorry…didn’t mean to bother you…
just passing through…we’ll be on our way in just a few—

VOICE
(almost normal volume voice—ship no longer shakes)
Ah—what fascinating creatures I see before me…
bipedal creatures… limited intelligence …fairly
weak strength… poor fashion sense …
no useful fighting ability…

LANDSHARK
Hey! I resent that! Just because a guy owns more than thirty pairs
of shoes and four wardrobes doesn’t mean he couldn’t kick the living
shit out of anyone who suggests he’s less than manly! I mean—
have you any idea what sort of damage a six inch stiletto
can do to the human body?

VOICE
(cont.)
Evidence of primitive humour… apparent delusional impression
that they can inflict physical harm on myself… fairly violent
tendencies… most intriguing…I must study this further…

We suddenly see DIAMOND and THANDE disappear in a flash of light.

Mass pandemonium in the Control Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell did you do to them?!

VOICE
I find you… humans … most fascinating.
I wish to study you further. I have teleported
the two of them down to my planet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

VOICE
I wish to see these violent tendencies and limited
cognitive abilities in greater detail. As such-I have
given them a simple task—one suitable to their skills.

DOCTOR WHAT
And that is?

VOICE
They are to fight each to the death.

Long pause.

MATT (sotto voce)
oh, this is awesome, man.

LANDSHARK (sotto voce)
The bloody colonial is right.

DOCTOR WHAT
They won’t fight each other. They’re friends.

VOICE
If they don’t, then I will destroy your ship.

Very long pause.

MATT (sotto voce)
Thande and Diamond friends?
When did this atrocity happen?

LANDSHARK (sotto voce)
Little bugger probably mixed up some
concoction to make Diamond he friend.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo—ship status?

LEO
Shields down.
Weapons down.
Shift Engines down.
Thrusters down.
Main power down.
We are on emergency power only.
(beat)
We are completely defenseless.

VOICE
This should prove very enlightening…

The bright ball of light on the viewscreen disappears.

MATT (sotto voce)
Five bucks says Diamond kicks Thande’s ass.

LANDSHARK
You’re on, jar head. Thande’s good
Yorkshire stock. They’re good…
(long beat as he visibly gropes for words)
Ah, bugger. Can I retract my bet?

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see a stretch of rocky desert. There are a few shrubs here and there but generally speaking it looks quite lifeless and inhospitable. There is a very large boulder (about 40 feet across) nearby. We suddenly see two flashes of light and DIAMOND and THANDE appear. We see them look around in confusion.

VOICE
(seemingly coming from all around them)
I find you creatures most interesting. As such
I have given you a mission—fight each other to
the death and I will spare the winner’s life.

Long pause.

DIAMOND
You must be joking.

THANDE
Utterly ridiculous.

DIAMOND
No fucking way will I do this. We’re buddies!
Sure I’ve occasionally indulged in the fantasy
of bludgeoning Thande to death, but that doesn’t
mean I want to kill him. Bludgeon him, maybe, but not kill.

THANDE
Same here. We refuse to do this!
We’re stalwart comrade in arms!
(beat)
Hey, you wanted to bludgeon me?

DIAMOND
Uhhh… Let’s just deal with this guy first…
(to ball of light)
What are you going to do us if we refuse?

Dark clouds suddenly appear in the sky. We hear rumbling sounds that get increasingly louder. A massive lightning bolt shoots down from the clouds and hits the large boulder. It explodes, scattering dust and debris in every direction. When the dust settles, we see that there is virtually nothing left of the boulder.

DIAMOND
(turning to THANDE)
Actually, I’ve always found your body odor
most offensive. I’ve been also nursing a secret
hatred for you sinc ewe first met.

THANDE
(turning to DIAMOND)
And I really can’t stand the way
you mangle the English language and
the way you don’t close the bathroom door.

They attack each other and roll around the ground for a few seconds. THANDE gets up and runs off, screaming shrilly, followed close behind by DIAMOND who’s holding a large rock in his hand, bellowing loudly.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see the Control Room crew at various stations. The ship’s lights are still dimmed.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pressing button on armrest of command chair)
Dave—what have you got for me?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
I tried every trick I can think of—
the best I can give you are scanners.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it? What about engines?
Weapons? Shields?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
Nada. Ain’t gonna happen. Whatever is zapping us is doing
a good job of messing us over. Psychomeltdown and G.Bone
have a few ideas about the teleporters they’re working on. We
should know if it’s going to work in a couple of hours.

DOCTOR WHAT
Carry on. Let me know if there’s any change.
(turns comm. off)
Leo! Please give me some good news!

LEO
I wish I could, Doc. I’m running some scans
now but I can’t detect anything so far.

DOCTOR WHAT
That… whatever…that zapped us—any idea what it was?

LEO
None whatsoever. I’m attempting to see if I can pick
it up but it’s a big planet and the scans are very limited
in power and efficiency at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Keep doing your best, Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT sits on the command chair, deep in thought.

MATT
Do you think they’ll be okay?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sure they will be—they are absolute professionals
and have good heads on their shoulders and I have every
confidence in their skills and intelligence.

Long pause.

MATT
We’re talking about Thande and Diamond, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course! I’m sure the two of them are thinking of a
plan to get themselves out of this as we speak!

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

DIAMOND
(Shouting)
I’LL KILL YOU THEN I CAN GET OUT OF THIS!
I promise to make it painless!
Come on, it’s hot out here!

We see an oasis of some sort surrounding a small pond. Numerous trees and bushes of all kinds can be seen.

We see THANDE come out of a stand of trees. His eyes are darting nervously around and he’s holding a sharpened stick in one hand. He suddenly slips and falls down, below the view of the camera.

A few seconds later he leaps back into view, even more nervous then before. He’s waving the stick at everything around him in a panicked state for a few seconds before calming down slightly. He looks down at the ground.

CLOSE-UP —Banana-like fruits lying on the ground. One of them has been crushed by his footprint.

THANDE hesitantly picks one of the banana-like fruits up and takes a sniff at it. He pulls his face away in disgust at the smell.

We can almost hear the gears in THANDE’s head whirl as he stares at the banana with a pondering look on his face—that slowly turns into a smile…

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see DIAMOND stumbling through a stand of some desert shrubs and trees. He stops for a moment to get his bearings. As he’s looking around he notices something and does a double take, there’s and outcrop of rock and something shines from it. He slowly walks over to the outcrop of rock and stares at them intently.

CLOSE-UP - we see several small crystals speckling the rock..

DIAMOND pokes at the crystals for a second. He picks up a loose bit of crystal and brings it closer to his face for further inspection. He stares at it intently for several seconds. With his other hand he suddenly reaches for something at his belt.

We see that he’s holding a digital watch. With a flick of his fingers he pops open the back.

CLOSE-UP —we see a small watch battery and various electronic gizmos.

We see DIAMOND staring back and forth between the watch and the crystal for several seconds.

He suddenly breaks into a smile.

CROSS-CUT MONTAGE

We see THANDE tear strips off his lab coat and soak them in a small puddle of water. He carefully reaches over and scoops up a small pinch of white powder lying on a rock and dumps the powder into the puddle.

We see DIAMOND hammering away at the rock outcrop, a large chunk falls away, revealing a treasure of crystals..

We see THANDE looking at a handful of grape-like fruit for a few seconds then crushing them in a crude stone bowl and put the bowl onto a smoldering fire.

We see DIAMOND carefully handling a long piece of crystal about, six feet long and an inch wide.

We see THANDE very carefully wrapping the strips of cloth he ripped off his lab coat around a banana. We see a small pile of bananas (all wrapped) at his feet.

We see DIAMOND grinding away at a four foot long piece of crystal, he stops, raises it and examines it, and begins grinding away again. Around him lay more pieces of crystal.

We see THANDE very carefully pouring a bubbling liquid from the crude stone bowl on the fire into hollowed out fist size nuts. He sticks a smaller coat strip into the top of each nut.

We see DIAMOND finishes polishing a long piece of crystal. It looks like a hollowed out rectangle about 6 feet long and an inch thick. He starts hooking the battery and various electronic gizmos to it.

We see THANDE pouring handfuls of a yellow powder, white powder and finally what looks like charcoal into a hollowed out bamboo log roughly three feet long and 6 inches wide. He dumps a handful of rocks into it and sticks a piece of cloth in one end.

We see DIAMOND sharpening the star shaped objects on various rocks. We see a knife shaped piece of crystal lying finished beside him.

Camera slowly pans up THANDE from his feet to his head. His lab coat has been ripped up to be used for material for various belts and straps. He has a bandolier of the nuts hanging on his chest. He has bananas strapped to his legs and held in his hands is the large bamboo device. He has one last strip of cloth wrapped around his forehead like a headband. Written on it with charcoal are the words ‘Chloroform Rulez’.

Camera slowly pans up DIAMOND from his feet to his head. His shirt has also been ripped up to be used for material for various belts and straps. He has a shield on his left arm and the sword like device (with various electronic wires attached to it) in his right arm. There are large ninja like throwing stars stuck into a bandolier on his chest and a knife strapped to his thigh. Wrapped around his forehead is a headband. Written on it in what appears to be dried blood are the words ‘Non sibi sed patriae’.

We see the sun begin to set.

SPLIT-SCREEN SHOT: THANDE is on the right and DIAMOND is on the left.

THANDE/DIAMOND
(simultaneously)
You’re mine.
(both growl)

END ACT I

ACT II

INT.-AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM-DAY

Emergency lights are still on. We see DOCTOR WHAT sitting in the command chair, rubbing his eyes. Neither he nor the Control Room crew looks like they’ve had any rest or food for some time. There are half-empty coffee cups strewn everywhere.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hitting button on command chair)
Dave—how goes the teleporters?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
Good news! We got them working. Sort of.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing his eyes again)
And what is THAT suppose to mean?

DAVE HOWERY
We can beam down—but we can’t beam up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(blinking his eyes)
One way trip? Better than nothing I guess.
Anything else up and running?

DAVE HOWERY
Nada, man! It took the three of us over 8 hours
just to get that done! Everything else is still on
the fritz! Even the freaking shuttles are still fried!

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Keep working on it, Dave.
(turns button off)
Leo? I sure hope you’ve got some
good news for me this time!

LEO
I have news but it’s not good. I’ve been scanning the planet
for the last 8 hours and I am unable to detect any signs of
Thande or Diamond nor have I’ve been able to detect any
signs of that entity that attacked us.

DOCTOR WHAT
(flabbergasted tone)
Nothing? Nothing at all?

LEO
There appears to be some kind of scattering field up around the
entire planet. Scans are barely able to penetrate it. I’ve tried several
different techniques to compensate but with no effect.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you try different types of scans?

LEO
Tried magnetometer sensors, plasma wave detectors, UV spectrometers,
near infrared mapping spectrometers, photo-polarimeter radiometer,
Energetic Particles Detectors, Heavy Ion Counters, and standard Solid State
Imagers. I even boosted the power by stealing a bit from non-essential systems.
No effect.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you try re-modulating the phase variance of the
electro-magnetic pulse while re-calibrating the
configuration of the omega wave of the data transference beam?

The Control Room crew all turn around and stare at DOCTOR WHAT with jaw dropping astonishment and confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
(blinking eyes in confusion)
Where the hell did that come from?
I think my brain just exploded.
(shakes head)
I’ve been watching way too much Star Trek .…

LEO
(thoughtful pause)
Actually…
(beat)
That just might work….

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
It will?

LEO
Give me a few hours….

EXT.-PLANET-NIGHT

We see DIAMOND walking through a forest. His eyes are darting nervously around. We hear a loud thumping sound. He looks down.

We see a banana. With a burning fuse on it.

CLOSE-UP—DIAMOND’s eyes widen.

He leaps to one side. A second later the banana explodes with the force of a grenade, sending dirt and vegetation in every direction.

We see DIAMOND flat on his belly, covered in dirt and shredded plants. His eyes dart around quickly. He spots something.

We see a vague shape in a tree about 20 yards away or so. There is a spark and the face is illuminated by another burning banana. We see that it is THANDE. He throws it at DIAMOND. It lands several yards in front of DIAMOND.

DIAMOND rolls to one side just as the banana explodes.

We are seeing the scene from THANDE’s position in the tree. There is so much floating dust and smoke from the grenade-bananas that he can’t see very well.

We see DIAMOND suddenly stand up from a pile of bushes several yards away from the second explosion. He has one of his ninja stars in his hand. He throws it.

CLOSE-UP–ninja star flying through the air.

CLOSE-UP–ninja star embedding itself into tree just a few inches away from THANDE’s head.

THANDE screams and falls off the tree.

DIAMOND rushes towards THANDE, another ninja star in his hand.

There’s a loud thump and a nut (with a burning fuse on it) lands at DIAMOND’s feet.

CLOSE-UP—DIAMOND’s eyes widening

DIAMOND leaps over the nut, making an inelegant landing on his ass. He rolls to one side.

The nut explodes, sending a fountain of flame five feet into the air. Within seconds, the nut-napalm has spread to nearby plants and has set them on fire.

DIAMOND
Son of a bitch!

DIAMOND leaps up and throws three more ninja stars in quick succession at THANDE’s last position.

We see THANDE running away. The three ninja stars embed themselves into three separate trees one after the other just behind THANDE.

Twack! Twack! Twack!

We see DIAMOND run after THANDE deeper into the forest.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see the Control Room crew still at various stations. There are more half-empty coffee cups lying around. The ones that were there earlier have unhealthy looking black scum on the sides. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on the command chair, staring quizzically at the ceiling. KIT comes in with a cup of coffee and approaches DOCTOR WHAT. He notices DOC staring at the ceiling and looks around to see what he’s staring at. With a confused look on his face, he turns back to the DOC.

KIT
Uh—Doc—what are you staring at?

No response from DOCTOR WHAT.

KIT
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT turns to look at KIT.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need to paint the ceiling. Paint is beginning to flake.
I think we should paint it a mauve color. Maybe a fuchsia
color. With some nice orange highlights….

KIT stares at DOC for a long minute. He hands DOC the coffee. DOC drinks the cup in nearly one gulp.

KIT
(concerned ‘Mother Hen’ tone)
You know—you don’t have to be here the whole time.
You look like you could use some sleep…

DOCTOR WHAT
Sleep? What’s that?
(off KIT’s look)
Fine- I’ll go to bed in just a few–

LEO
I think I have something…

DR WHAT
On screen!

A graphic appears on the viewscreen that shows a close-up of a section of desert. A small but obviously artificial structure can vaguely be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can you scan that? Find out what’s inside?

LEO
Already working on it. Should
have more info in an hour or so.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tuning to KIT)
Going to have to take a raincheck
on the whole ‘going to bed’ thing….

KIT
(rolling eyes)
Story of my life….

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-MORNING

We see DIAMOND walking along rocky desert. He’s holding the sword-thing in one hand and has his shield raised. He is looking down at his feet—apparently following some footprints that can be just barely seen in the sand.

He walks to the top of a ridge.

Standing right below him—less than 20 feet away from him—is THANDE. He’s pointing his homemade bazooka right at DIAMOND.

THANDE
Forward the Light Brigade!

BOOOOOOOOM!

We get a brief glimpse of DIAMOND before the entire top of the ridge is completely obscured in smoke.

THANDE rushes forth, a smoldering banana in his hand. He reaches the top to see….

…DIAMOND—flat on his back with his shield held up in front of him. The surface of the shield is pitted and cracked and has several stones embedded in it. DIAMOND flings it aside and points his sword at THANDE.

DIAMOND
From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!
(presses a button on the sword)

A red laser-beam shoots out of the tip of the ‘sword’, burning off THANDE’s left sideburn. He screams and runs off, dropping his banana. DIAMOND leaps up and rushes towards the top of the ridge—

–only to see the smoldering banana at his feet.

He leaps backwards—just as the banana explodes.

DIAMOND
SON OF A BITCH!

He rushes to the top of the ridge to see THANDE rushing down the hill. DIAMOND lifts up his laser and aims it at THANDE and presses the button…

…only for the laser to make a sound very much like a high pitched squeal. DIAMOND looks at his laser to see…a large crack in it.

DIAMOND
DAMN IT!

DIAMOND flings his laser gun aside and pulls out the last of his ninja stars and chases after THANDE down the ridge.

THANDE pulls off his bandolier of napalm nuts and flings it behind him.

Seconds later, multiple explosions occur, flinging napalm and dirt and rock in every direction.

THANDE keeps running. Behind him is a massive smoke cloud. About a minute or two later, the flames die down a bit. We see DIAMOND leap over the few smoldering flames. He’s covered in soot and dust. His ninja star is broken in half. He flings it aside and pulls out his knife.

DIAMOND
(evil glint in his eyes)
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Chases after THANDE.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

Control Room crew are at various stations.

LEO
I think you might find this intriguing, people.
On screen now…

REACTION SHOT—crew looking in the direction of the camera at the viewscreen that’s behind our POV. They stare at the screen for a few seconds in confusion, then give a gasp in surprise. A few roll their eyes or shake their heads in amusement. DOCTOR WHAT slowly develops a grin.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at the ceiling)
This is a joke, right?

LEO
No Doc—you’re seeing this in near real time.
THAT is the source of all this trouble.

DOCTOR WHAT turns to the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
I am in need of volunteers to come down to the planet
with me for some serious ass-kicking.

Every crew member raises their hands.

EXT.- PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see THANDE running across some rocky terrain surrounded by steep mountains and hills. We suddenly hear DIAMOND’s voice, echoing all around the area.

DIAMOND
(echoing voice)
Ooo-oooh Thaaaaa-aaaande!

zTHANDE looks nervously around, trying to find out where DIAMOND’s voice is coming from.

DIAMOND
(echoing voice)
Surrender now and I will be merciful!
Your death will be quick and painless!

THANDE
NEVER!!

DIAMOND
(giggling insanely—it still echoes)
Schshschshchsch…..

We suddenly see DIAMOND leap out from behind a hill, the knife in his hand. He tackles THANDE and the two of them fall to the ground. THANDE has one hand wrapped around DIAMOND’s knife hand, trying desperately to knock it out. He somehow succeeds and we see the knife go flying away.

CLOSE-UP—we see the knife clatter down a small but very deep looking crevice nearby. It disappears from view.

DIAMOND screams and starts punching THANDE. THANDE starts punching back.

INT.-LARGE CHAMBER-DAY

We slowly pan across a very large and opulent darkened chamber. There are numerous bizarre looking paintings and sculptures all around us. We see a bank of TV monitors occupying an entire wall. The various monitors easily take up an area 50 feet across and over 10 feet high. The screens show various images from the planet surface—trees, rocks, mountains, etc—but about a dozen or so of them show the battle between DIAMOND and THANDE from different angles. One or two of them even show close-ups of their faces.

We see in front of the bank of monitors the back of a chair. The chair is a plush and very comfortable—one might almost say comfy—chair.

The camera swing around to show the occupant of the chair.

He’s a man in his early 20’s. He’s wearing bright red Cardinal-like robes and what looks vaguely like a papal hat. This is KADYET.

KADYET
Oh—I haven’t had this much fun in ages!

DIAMOND and THANDE are pounding each other at this point.

KADYET
Soon, you will be cleansed of all your sins. After all,
it is danger to the soul which is more harmful than
danger to the body. Tolerance of others is fine but
not at the expense of another’s soul.
(beat)
Ah—they appear to be reaching the denouement.

He reaches towards some buttons on some nearby monitors.

We hear a loud humming sound.

DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
Uh-uh-uh…Don’t touch that dial!

KADYET turns around to see standing behind him…

DOCTOR WHAT

Flanking DOCTOR WHAT are MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, FLOCC, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK. All of them are carrying BFG.

All of them are pointed at KADYET’s head.

EXT.- PLANET SURFACE-DAY

THANDE and DIAMOND are having a knock-out, drag-out, bloody fight. Both are covered in cuts and bruises but are still fighting hard. DIAMOND is on top and has his hands wrapped around THANDE’s neck while THANDE has his hands around DIAMOND’s neck. Both are gasping for breath when they suddenly disappear when a flash of light and a loud ‘pop’ noise.

INT.-LARGE ROOM-DAY

DIAMOND and THANDE suddenly appear in the middle of the room. They look around in confusion and then look up to see DOCTOR WHAT, beside him is standing MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Welcome back guys!

DIAMOND and THANDE blink for a moment and then continue choking one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt, pry ‘em apart before them kill each other.

MATT
Hell, no. I got five bucks riding on Diamond.

END ACT II

TAG

We see DIAMOND and THANDE following DOCTOR WHAT through various corridors of KADYET’s base.

DOCTOR WHAT
…and that’s how we were able to find this structure.

THANDE
(avoiding DIAMOND’s gaze)
So what is this place?

DOCTOR WHAT
As near as Leo can figure, there used to be a highly advanced
civilization on this Earth but virtually all traces of it was destroyed
about 1000 years ago. Leo figures it was some kind of war considering
how the whole planet ended up getting totally trashed in the process.
This defense base appears to be the only one still intact.

DIAMOND
(avoiding THANDE’s gaze)
Defense base?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—you should see what this place has—planetary shields,
teleporters, holographic projectors, energy dampening beams –the works.

The three of them see KADYET being led past them. His arms are handcuffed behind him and he has both WEAPON M and MATT escorting him.

KADYET
You are all wrong and shall burn in hell forever!

WEAPON M
Yeah, yeah—tell it to someone who cares…

They walk off.

DIAMOND
Is that who I think it is?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yep, it’s Kadyet—the guy responsible for all this mess.

THANDE
Kadyet? What’s he doing here?

DOCTOR WHAT
after the whole debacle of trying
to free Mike Collins from prison,
seems they had a bit of a break up -

DIAMOND
(sarcastic)
Aww. And I thought those kids were gonna make it.

DOCTOR WHAT (cont.)
Kadyet split, and took off, seems he got lost and crashed his ship here.
Luckily for him, though he says God was leading him to this place, he
found the base. For the last couple of weeks he’s been looting this planet
for anything worthwhile and screwing with any people that come by.
Guess he couldn’t resist taking us on when he saw who it was that arrived here…
DIAMOND
Wanker.

THANDE
So what are we doing with him?

DOCTOR WHAT
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a couple of universes
looking for payback against him. I’m going to dump him
off with Ian—let him deal with all the extradition stuff.

We see several other members of the crew—LUAKEL, FLOCC, KIT, GBW, and MICHAEL –walk by carrying various crates and boxes.

THANDE and DIAMOND stare quizzically at DOCTOR WHAT

DOCTOR WHAT
You simply will not believe the amount of stuff Kadyet
collected. Even Leo is having trouble figuring out some
of the stuff. No point in letting all that stuff just sit here, eh?
Whatever we can’t use I figure we can sell or trade.

We see IRONYUPPIE walk by carrying on a leash what appears to be a flying circular waffle iron with a single plug-like tentacle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—IY—what’s that?

IRONYUPPIE
Found it in one of the storage rooms. Isn’t he the cutest
widdle little thing? I’m going to name him….waffles.
(looking at the robot)
Do you like that name, waffles?

WAFFLES
*beep* *boop* *boop* *ding*

IRONYUPPIE walks away.

DOCTOR WHAT
IY has a new toy.

DIAMOND
I’ll alert the media.

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning to face both THANDE and DIAMOND)
I just want to say to you guys that I’m proud of you!

THANDE/DIAMOND
(together)
You are?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes—very proud of the way you guys worked together
to keep Kadyet occupied while we were running all those
scans to find him. That was absolutely inspired and
brilliant thinking! Pretending to be enemies and trying to
kill one another! Fucking brilliant! It was just the type
of diversion we needed!

THANDE
Uh—well—you see I can’t tell a lie. It was…
ummmm…it was all Diamond’s idea!

DIAMOND
Uhhhh….inspired by YOUR brilliant strategy Thande!
Those napalm nuts of yours was simply incredible!

THANDE
Merely trying to keep up with your inspired laser gun!

DIAMOND
Yeah Doc! We …uh… we KNEW that it was all just
one big scam but we had total confidence that you will
save our asses! Yeah—isn’t that’s right, Thande?

THANDE
Of course we had to make it look
believable, hence our appearance…

DIAMOND
Method acting.

THANDE
Yeah—just like Sir Lawrence Oliver.

DIAMOND
Or Bruce Campbell.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wiping tears from eyes)
It’s times like this that I’m proud to be your captain.
(composes himself)
Drinks on me when we get to the Pub!

DOCTOR WHAT walks away.

We see THANDE and DIAMOND standing side by side.

THANDE
(out of the corner of his mouth)
I SO kicked your ass.

DIAMOND
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Bite me, Chem Boy.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS