TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – STRANGE SHIP

A strange-looking, large ship enters the camera viewpoint. In some respects it resembles the AH.com and CF.Net ships, but it is very large and structured more like a space station or floating city. A crosstime drive assembly is visible at the base of the city-ship. Text painted around the edge of the ship reads, in English and many other languages, “ChangingTheTimes.Net”.

We zoom in on a hangar bay and pass through to view the interior…

INT. – CTT.NET – HANGAR BAY

A number of people wearing quasi-military uniforms are gathered around a shuttle (which looks similar to those used by the AH.commers and CF.Netters). Leaning against the shuttle is the ship’s captain, CHRIS, while the others are shaking his hands.

CHRIS
Look, I won’t even be away for that long, guys.
Just long enough to see my old first mate and
crank out, oooh, 243 new novels.

SCOTT PALTER
Right, that’s…
(pauses while he works it out)
Two days?

CHRIS
Eighteen hours, actually,
I don’t have writer’s block anymore.

They grin at each other and CHRIS gets halfway into the shuttle, then pauses and turns around.

CHRIS
And make sure you keep an eye on the place
while I’m away, hmm? Don’t want to let
standards slip around here.

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
Don’t worry, boss.
What could possibly happen?

The camera pulls back to the rear of the bay and we see, hidden in the shadow behind another shuttle, several indistinct shadowy figures. They speak with German accents.

STEFFEN
The plan is agreed, ja?
Once der Kapitan is out off zer vay, ve STRIKE!

SUSANO
Ja, ja, it is all very well,
but we still haven’t resolved our
grievances over the proposed revisions
to the Basic Law that we discussed
two weeks ago, nein?

MAX SINISTER
He has ein point.

STEFFEN
Look, look, cannot ve yust leave zat
until zer plan ist completed?

CARLTON BACH
(sighing)
Vot ein sacrifice. But if it must be done…

ALAYTA
Ve are the boys to do it!

STEFFEN
(relieved)
Then it is settled.

SUSANO
For now…

MAX SINISTER
(shading his eyes)
He is leaving.

And indeed CHRIS’ shuttle has taken off. The other CTT.Netters begin to disperse.

STEFFEN
It is time to make our move.
Für Volk und Bundesland!

SUSANO
(tuts)
Now I find that sort of thing
qvite unacceptable and we must
surely see a revision to zer constitution
before we can agree upon a universal
rallying cry sort of zing.

STEFFEN sighs.

Fade to black with dramatic music.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DON’T MENTION THE PORN”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & THANDE

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP

The AH.com ship drifts along, apparently not within sight of any Earth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HANGAR BAY

Standing next to a series of rather beat-up shuttles are DMA and DOCTOR WHAT. One of the shuttles is being worked on in the background by PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (faintly)
Easy there!
Easy there!
WATCH OUT!

There is a horrendous crash.

MICHAEL
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

DOCTOR WHAT and DMA glance briefly in the direction before continuing their conversation.

DOCTOR WHAT
So you served under this Chris guy for a while?

DMA
Yeah – I was first officer.
(sighs)
Happy days…

DOCTOR WHAT
(hopefully)
And didn’t you say he was going
to bring a load of booze?

DMA
(confused)
I said he was going to write
a lot of novels. How can you
possibly mistake one for the other?

DOCTOR WHAT
I have Optimist’s Selective Hearing Syndrome.

DMA
Ah, here he comes.

Through the open (but forcefielded) hangar bay doors, we see a small vortex open and CHRIS’ shuttle emerge from it. It passes through the forcefield and lands in the hangar bay.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Huh, his shuttle looks in much
better condition than ours.

MICHAEL
Might that not be because he doesn’t
send his off on lunatic jaunts to
implausible timelines in order to get
shot down by airships every week?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
A point.

MICHAEL
Right. Now give me the sledgehammer and
let’s see if we can get this thing fixed.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The ten or twenty five pounder?

The shuttle lands, the hatch opens and CHRIS gets out. DMA goes over, the two shake hands, and then hug each other in a male bonding sort of way.

CHRIS
Atwell my old chum!
How’s it hanging?

DOCTOR WHAT
Permission to do some innuendo?

DMA
(grinning)
Denied.
Captain What, this is Captain Nuttall.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh – it’s a pleasure.
(hopefully)
So you definitely haven’t brought any booze?

CHRIS shrugs. He brings his right hand up and we see that it is constantly tapping away on a palmtop computer. In fact his fingers are a blur, and lines of text are appearing on the screen at a ridiculous rate. As we watch, a large brick-like book is shot out of a slot on the side of the palmtop. Curiously, DOCTOR WHAT picks it up. Zoom in on the cover: THE SOMEWHERE-ELSE WAR.

DMA
I see you’re still up to your usual rate.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hopefully)
This doesn’t include any explicit
lesbian sex scenes, does it?

CHRIS
(coughing)
Anyway…
Did you sort out my lodgings while
I’m staying here, DMA mate?

DMA
Sure. One visitor’s cabin and Cargo Bays
Three through Seven.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Why does he need four cargo bays to himself?

Another three books are shot out of the palmtop in quick succession and begin to pile up on the deck.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.

INT. – CTT.NET – BRIDGE – DAY

The CTT.Net’s bridge is rather larger than the AH.com’s and is circular, not having a direction to it. There are stations all around the circumference. An alarm light and buzzer begins to flash on one of them, which is manned by ALT-G.BONE.

ALT-G.BONE
(to himself)
Why do I have this crappy bridge job?
I want to do something exciting, like…
(pauses for thought)
Manning the teleporters!

ALT-G.BONE notices the alarm and mutters something to himself. He pushes a button and a detailed error message appears. ALT-G.BONE looks worried as he reads it.

ALT-G.BONE
Hey, dudes, sirs!
We’ve got a problem!

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON and SCOTT PALTER come over and frown at him.

SCOTT PALTER
What’s happening?

ALT-G.BONE
It says here that there’s been a containment
breach of the portals on Level 14.
The timelines have spilled
over the usual boundaries.

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
(cursing)
Great. That’s all we need.
Imperial Japanese armies from WW2
fighting advanced Aztecs and the Draka.

ALT-G.BONE
Actually – that sounds pretty cool, dude…

SCOTT PALTER
(ignoring him)
All right, we’ll just have to go and sort it out.

SCOTT PALTER and THOMAS WM. HAMILTON leave. In the shadows between two bridge stations, we see an indistinct figure. He nods to himself as the two officers exit, then presses a button on a remote control.

P.A. SYSTEM
(echoing throughout bridge)
Attention all CTT.Net personnel…
For a limited time only the canteen
is now serving free falafel…

There’s a massive stampede as all the CTT.Netter crew flee. Except ALT-G.BONE, who stays where he is.

ALT-G.BONE
I hate falafel.
(pause)
What is falafel, anyway?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

CHRIS and DMA are sitting at a table and watching the view of the stars outside through a window. In the background, various other AH.commers are eating. CHRIS’ hand is still at a blur on the computer, which spits out books every fifteen seconds or so. They pile up beside his seat.

CHRIS
So, what’s it like on this ship?

DMA
It’s –
(thinks, then laughs)
A little crazy at times.
But at least I get to declare jihad
on people’s arses more often.

CHRIS
(nodding)
That’s got to be a plus point.

We pan across to another table, where IRONYUPPIE is sitting at a table and looking impatiently at her watch, tapping her foot. Finally, the mess hall door comes open and LANDSHARK enters carrying what appears to be the trunk of a small sequoia tree. Though straining under the weight, he manages to carry it over to the table, where he drops it and it rolls across the floor, overturning a table at which GBW and HENDRYK were sitting, and apparently crushing them. LANDSHARK, panting from his exertions, then pulls a spear-like weapon from one pocket and an orange from the other, then lays them proudly on the table in front of IRONYUPPIE. IRONYUPPIE looks at him as though he’s gone mad.

IRONYUPPIE
(quiet menace)
Shark boy love.
You know I do not tolerate
failure…lightly.

LANDSHARK
(confused)
What?!!
I got the things you wanted,
and it wasn’t bloody easy, either?
I even had to go to the benighted
hell-land of the damned colonials
to get that tree thing!
(shudders)
Feel so dirty…and not in a good way…

IRONYUPPIE
At no point did I ask you to bring
a giant redwood, a javelin or any fruit!

LANDSHARK
(defiantly)
I’ve got it written down here!

LANDSHARK fumbles at his frock coat, as though he’s about to pull a piece of paper out of his pocket. However, he just rips the front of the frock coat open, sending buttons flying everywhere, to reveal that the words are tattooed on his chest.

LANDSHARK
Look!
Sequoia, a robber’s glaive
and an orange!

IRONYUPPIE
(confused)
Why did I write that?
I meant to write ‘sequins,
a rubber glove and an orang-utan!’

LANDSHARK
Yeah, that does sound more fun…
(shrugs)
But we’ll use what we have.

LANDSHARK goes over to the tree and pulls it upright again, revealing the unconscious forms of GBW and HENDRYK underneath. x

LANDSHARK
Hmmf, stop lying down on the job.

GBW and HENDRYK pick themselves up. However, they now look different. GBW is wearing a cowboy hat and two Colt revolvers in holsters, while HENDRYK has a massive afro.

LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell happened to you?

GBW
(southern accent)
Shaddup you goddamn limey. Now I’m going to polish my
goddamn gun collection of goddamned guns, and then go
and massacre the goddamned cryptocommies at the
goddamned U.N. so they stop goddamned complaining
about goddamned Israel.

HENDRYK
(singing)
I’m a voodoo child, lord I’m a voodoo child, yeah.
The night I was born, lord the moon stood a fire red.
Said the night I was born, the moon turned a fire red.
My poor mother her cryin’, she said “The gypsy was right!”
And she fell right dead.

LANDSHARK
(confused)
What’s going on?

LEO CAESIUS is observing the events from the side, in his robot body.

LEO CAESIUS
Fascinating. If I’m not mistaken,
there is a Misspelling Virus on the loose.

LANDSHARK
A what? Speak English, you can bloody well
talk every other language.

LEO CAESIUS
IronYuppie misspelled her instructions to you.
And GBW and HENDRYK have now become
GWB and Hendrix.

LANDSHARK
(horrified realisation)
Ohhhh…

LEO CAESIUS
Still, being a biological virus, at least I
am not so vulnerable as you puny fleshlings –
(coughs)
Uh, I mean, valued organic crew members.
No, I shall be free to conduct further studies
of the Mancunians of the Midwest.

LANDSHARK raises an eyebrow and sighs.

INT. – CTT.NET SHIP – LEVEL 14 – DAY

The CTT.Net, being larger and more powerful than the AH.com, is capable of supporting a large number of small portals which lead to various timelines. These are scattered around the circumference of an enormous circular room, and are grouped into segments according to point of divergence (WW1, WW2, Cold War, etc.)

At the junction of these three sections, three figures are fighting, one dressed in a WW1 Reichswehr uniform, one in a WW2 Wehrmacht uniform, and one in a Cold War Bundeswehr uniform.

SCOTT PALTER and THOMAS WM. HAMILTON enter through a side door and shake their heads at the spectacle.

SCOTT PALTER
Great. Just great. What do we do?

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
Separate them, get them back to their
timelines, seal the breach and wipe their memories.

SCOTT PALTER
(sighing)
For the last time, that maglite torch
is NOT a memory wiping device.

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
But it makes such a pretty flash!

The two CTT.Netters get near the three soldiers and roughly pull them apart.

SCOTT PALTER
(roughly)
OK, guys. Nice and easy. You’re going home.

WW1 SOLDIER
Nein! Not before I prove zat
MY Reich is zer coolest, viz our
airships and poison gas and
treaty of Brest-Litovsk!

WW2 SOLDIER
You dummkopf! Your Reich
cannot compare to my Reich’s
panzer korps and Drang nach Osten
and V2 cruise missiles!

COLD WAR SOLDIER
Gott im Himmel! Both your Reichs
are as nothing besides my Federal Republic,
with our espionage intrigue and our Wall!

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
Yeah, yeah, whatever. We’re taking you back now.

As they pull the soldiers apart, we get a good glimpse of their faces for the first time – they are MAX SINISTER, CARLTON BACH and SUSANO. The three wink at the camera.

SCOTT PALTER
(as they escort them away)
Watch out. No slip ups.

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
(laughing)
What can they possibly do to us-

MAX SINISTER casually swings his arm while marching and jabs a syringe into THOMAS WM. HAMILTON’s arm. CARLTON BACH simultaneously does the same to SCOTT PALTER. The two CTT.netters instantly collapse with identical looks of horrified realisation on their faces.

SUSANO
Sehr gut. They were the two most
dangerous. This makes our job much easier.

MAX SINISTER
Ve vill take them to the canteen with the
others and lock them up.

CARLTON BACH
After ve settle whose Reich is the coolest.

SUSANO
Er, guys? That vas just a ruse?

MAX SINISTER
True, but it’s grown on me.

SUSANO sighs.

INT. – CTT.NET SHIP – CANTEEN – DAY

The rest of the crew are milling around in the canteen, looking confused, when suddenly the doors are smashed down by a Panzer I. The crew look around in horror and duck as bits of red-hot door scythe over their heads. The Panzer’s turret rotates towards them. The hatch opens and STEFFEN, wearing a coalscuttle helmet, emerges.

STEFFEN
For you, Netty, the war is over!

INT. – CTT.NE SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

ALT-G.BONE is watching a TV screen in horr

Tor. It shows the scenes from the canteen and Level 14.

ALT-G.BONE
This is muchos not good!
I’d better send a distress signal!

ALT-G.BONE hits a control on his panel.

ALT-G.BONE
Anyone? Can you hear me?

He looks around fearfully and the door is suddenly smashed down by ALAYTA driving a BMW motorbike and sidecar. ALT-G.BONE gulps and turns back to his panel as ALAYTA guns the engine and begins driving across the vast circular bridge towards him.

ALT-G.BONE
Help!!!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SICKBAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is frowning over a clipboard, while THANDE is watching a monitor. DOCTOR WHAT, CHRIS, DMA and LANDSHARK are looking worried. In the background, we can see several AH.commers, including IRONYUPPIE, GBW and HENDRYK, tied to beds. They are yelling streams of random unconnected words. G.BONE is sitting beside GBW’s bed and reading him the articles from Playboy. LEO CAESIUS’ robot body is deactivated and fastened in restraints; KITJED23 hugs the cold steel with tears in his eyes, then looks at the stiff robot body with a thoughtful expression on his face.

TORQUMADA
Well, it looks like Leo was right.
This is definitely a virus.

THANDE
A multiprionic jobby, worst kind.

THANDE presses a button and a rotating hologram of the virus appears.

TORQUMADA
It looks like it was deliberately manufactured.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
How can you tell?

THANDE wordlessly rotates the hologram so they can see, imprinted on one side, the words ‘So Long, Suckers!’

TORQUMADA
I don’t think that kind of thing evolves naturally.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. Can you cure it?

TORQUMADA
(hesitating)
That could be…difficult.

THANDE
These manufactured ones are designed to
be resistant to all conventional treatments.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well we’ve got to do something!
The ship won’t run without Leo!

LANDSHARK
Yeah, and how am I supposed to indulge
in debauchery with Erikka if she keeps
referring to it as ‘stationery’?

TORQUMADA
Our only hope is to find whoever
manufactured it and force them to
give us the cure. They’ll have made
one to protect themselves from it.

DOCTOR WHAT
That makes sense. So how can we
find out who it was?

THANDE
Simple. We trace back the case history
and find out who was first infected.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, let’s see…
(frowns)
This all started when…
(suspiciously)
HE came on board.

He points at CHRIS, who shrinks back. His computer ejects a rapid stream of slim paperbacks as though in terror. But DMA stands in front of him.

DMA
Hey! I won’t take those sort of accusations
about my old captain!

THANDE, ignoring him, scans him with a handheld scanner.

THANDE
(to TORQUMADA)
Look at this.

TORQUMADA looks at the scan and then frowns.

TORQUMADA
He has high levels of the virus in his
system, yet he himself seems unaffected…
As though he were a deliberate carrier…

CHRIS
(retreating)
Hey, maybe I just have a built-in spellchecker!

DOCTOR WHAT
(coldly)
If this is true, I promise you this. I-

Suddenly we hear a beeping noise from a monitor. THANDE answers it.

THANDE
Comm message. Without Leo being online,
it was rerouted to here. Putting it through:

THANDE hits another button. The screen is suddenly filled with the huge face of ALT-G.BONE.

G.BONE
Hey, that’s me! Only much less handsome.

ALT-G.BONE
HELP! HELP!
We’re being attacked by Germans!
They’ve got the rest of the crew!
One’s heading for me now-

ALT-G.BONE is knocked over by ALAYTA, who is doing a wheelie on his BMW motorbike.

ALAYTA
Schweinhund!
We did not even have to wait for
our Misspelling Virus to take hold
before we took control of the ship!

DMA
(muttering)
Well, THAT was convenient…

ALAYTA looks at the screen, sneers, pulls out his Mauser and puts a bullet through the camera. The screen dissolves into static.

CHRIS
(pale)
My God…
The CTT.Net has been taken over!
(a book thumps to the deck)

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah…um…
(awkwardly)
Sorry about what I said just then-

CHRIS
Never mind that!
(desperately)
DMA – you others – you have to help
me take it back!

LANDSHARK
Now why would we do that, Typhoid Mary?

TORQUMADA
(grimly)
Because if these Germans made the Virus, then
they should have a cure.

LANDSHARK
Damn you for making sense.

DMA
Well, I’m going with Chris whatever
the rest of you say. These Germans
need a damn good arse-jihading.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Sharky, assemble everyone we’ve
got who hasn’t been badly affected by the virus yet.
Except Torq – he can stay here to keep studying the disease.

TORQUMADA
Oh, goody.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
We’re going to war.

INT. – CTT.NET – BRIDGE – DAY

The Germans have reassembled, STEFFEN still in his Panzer and ALAYTA in his BMW.

STEFFEN
Victory!

SUSANO
Ja. NOW can ve continue our
debate about the Basic Law?

STEFFEN
Ve had better vait until zer Master gets here.

MAX SINISTER
Oh, ferry vell.

ALAYTA
(pointing at a screen)
Look!

EXT. – SPACE – CTT.NET

Beside the CTT.Net, a vortex opens and another ship emerges, much smaller, about half the size of the AH.com. The camera follows it as it moves to dock with the CTT.Net, and we catch a glimpse of the huge logo painted on the side:

A rabbit’s head wearing a bow tie…

A rabbit’s head up another rabbit’s ASS.

Fade to black with dramatic music.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT-AH.COM CONTROL ROOM-DAY

We see the various ah.commers at their stations. The group consists of DOCTOR WHAT, CHRIS, DMA, LANDSHARK, THANDE, MATT, KIT and OTHNIEL.

MATT
We should be in visual distance any second now.
I’m putting us behind an asteroid to block their scans of us.

EXT- AH.COM SHIP

The ah.com ship is hiding behind an asteroid. We see—off in the distance-the CTT.Net ship.

MATT
Analyzing telemetry….

DOCTOR WHAT
Any indications they’ve spotted us?

LANDSHARK
(Looking at various screens at his station)
Nope.

MATT
Bad news Doc—they’ve got some
serious weaponry and shields on them.

CHRIS
(embarrassed tone)
Well—it IS a big ship—quite a few
people would like to get their hands on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any chance of us successfully attacking the ship?

MATT
(pondering)
Successfully? As in surviving in one piece?
(beat)
Doubtful. Especially with the lack of manpower we have now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.

THANDE
(with a vaguely perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™?

CHRIS
(brightening)
(snapping his fingers)
Wait—that’s it! There might be a way!
The shields have a frequency cycle of 14.7 seconds.
For about 0.01 seconds between cycles they’re at
pretty low power. We could—theoretically—be able
to teleport through those shields at that point—especially
if we focus our point of entry at one small area.

The AH.commers all give a shudder at the mention of ‘teleport’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do we have to use the teleporters? Can’t we just blast our way
through the shields using a big ass gun or something? Please?

MATT
(looking at something on his scanners)
Hey—that’s odd….

DOCTOR WHAT
What is?

MATT
Scanners are picking up video transmissions from the ship.
They seem to be transmitting….whoa….
57 channels of pay per view porn!

Ah.commers (with the exception of OTHNIEL and THANDE) all jump to MATT’s station and start elbowing one another for a look.

CHRIS
(looking in horror at the screens)
My God! They’ve turned my ship into…
into…(starts sobbing)…a Porn Ship!

Ah.commers all look at one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
The entire ship is filled with porn! We have to get to it!

OTHNIEL
(enthusiastic tone of voice)
Yes we must!

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at OTHNIEL)
(breaking out into a grin)
Alright Oth! I KNEW we will finally get you turned around!

OTHNIEL
(grim voice)
Yes—we must get onto that ship and
destroy its vile cargo!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grin suddenly becomes frozen—looks at OTHNIEL in confusion)
Sorry? Come again?

OTHNIEL
Porn teaches the men who use it to pursue everlasting
novelty at the expense of just one. It implies that happiness
is found only by having the same experience over and
over again with lots of different women.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused look)
Not seeing a problem here.

OTHNIEL
It treats fellow human beings as creatures of wanton
lust overcome with un-natural desires.

DOCTOR WHAT
(still confused)
And that’s bad because…?

OTHNIEL
It legitimizes sexual practices
other than vaginal intercourse

DOCTOR WHAT
Still confused why you’re against it…

OTHNIEL
It can become highly addictive and
encourage people to view it repeatedly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Still not following you…

OTHNIEL
It encourages people to see potential mates as
sexual objects to be manipulated and fondled over.

DOCTOR WHAT
Still not seeing a problem here….

OTHNIEL
It objectifies its subjects.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can you dumb that down a bit?

OTHNIEL
(exasperated tone)
It’s disgusting and degrading!

DOCTOR WHAT
(blinking his eyes and shaking his head in confusion)
(sotto voice)
I’m pretty sure he was speaking English there but for
the life of me I can’t understand what he’s saying…
(beat)
Anyway—that teleporter idea sounds great! Everyone—
come with me! Somebody call GREY WOLF and
DAVE HOWERY and tell them to get their butts
up here to the bridge pronto!
(turning to THANDE)
That was an awesome idea you had
there, THANDE! Good thinking!

THANDE
(still with a perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™.

The ah.commers all leave.

INT-TELEPORTER ROOM

CHRIS and the bridge ah.commers are standing on the teleporter pads. We see G.BONE at the controls.

G.BONE
(whining)
But…but…I want to go too….

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry dude—but someone has to stay behind.

G.BONE
(grumbling)
(quietly)
Hate you…hate you all…

G.BONE starts pressing a few buttons.

THANDE
(still with a confused look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™.

They disappear with a loud pop.

SOME TIME LATER

INT.-CTT.NET SHIP-DAY

We see the AH.commers prowling around various darkened corridors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where to?

CHRIS
I say we split up—one group tries to retake the bridge
and create a distraction—the other group tries to retake
the brig and get the rest of the crew out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds like a plan—MATT, KIT and Oth—you guys try
to get the bridge. The rest of us will go for the brig.
(addressing MATT, KIT and Oth)
No crazy heroics guys—if it gets crazy just
retreat and fall back to our position.

DOCTOR WHAT, CHRIS, DMA, LANDSHARK, and THANDE go off in one direction while MATT, KIT and OTHNIEL go off in another.

INT-CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR-DAY

MATT, KIT and OTHNIEL are sneaking down a corridor.

MATT
(consulting map)
(pointing down one corridor)
Bridge should be that way.

VOICE
(VO)
Achtung!

We see a Panzer Tank coming down the corridor. STEFFEN has his head poking out of the hatch.

STEFFEN
For the Fatherland!

MATT
(pointing down the other direction)
That way!

They rush down the corridor and turn several corners in quick succession. The sound of the tank recedes off into the distance. They keep running.

They pass by a sign (too quickly for them to read)

Camera pulls in tight on the sign

Storage Facility
Warning: Watch out for spills!

We see the ah.commers running—and then suddenly make a truly awe-inspiring slip than sends them crashing onto their butts and actually slide on their backs for over twenty feet before coming to a stop.

MATT
(groaning)
(tries to get up but his hands keep slipping on the floor)
What the hell…

OTHNIEL
(groaning and trying to unsuccessfully stand up)
(Staring at the floor)
What is all this white fluid? It’s all sticky and gooey—like egg white…

MATT
(looking at his hands in growing terror)
Oh…My…GOD!…

KIT
(staring at substance with a critical eye)
Hmmmm….
(slowly licks fluid off his fingers—in the background we hear MATT and OTHNIEL getting noisily sick)
(pondering look on his face)
Hmmmmm…
(beat)
Zesty aromas of apple balanced with a delicate floral note…
.accentuated by crisp refreshing acidity…with buttery flavour
and combined with a lingering complex finish
(we hear MATT and OTHNIEL dry heaving at this point)
(smiling)
Fake edible semen. Made from sweet condensed milk
with egg white, flavours and a bit of sugar…

Looks of utter relief and great joy appear on MATT and OTHNIEL’s faces

MATT
Oh thank god all this stuff is fake…

KIT
Oh—the patch I’m sitting in is fake.
(beat)
The patch you two are sitting in though, however….

EXT-SPACE-CTT.NET SHIP-DAY

We hear loud screams echoing through the vastness of space.

INT-CTT.NET SHIP PORTAL ROOM-DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, THANDE, CHRIS and DMA are creeping through various darkened corridors. They walk into an enormous circular room. This is the ‘Portal Room’ we saw earlier.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is this place?

CHRIS
Portal room—we can go to numerous
different timelines from this room.

LANDSHARK
Strange—no guards.

CHRIS
Why should they put guards? They’ve
seized control of the whole ship!

DMA
(snapping fingers)
But don’t you see? We can use this to our advantage!
We can go through one of the portals and bring back
an army from WW1 or WW2 or some other period of
history! We can retake this entire ship in minutes!

DOCTOR WHAT
(dubious tone)
I don’t know—there’s something about this I just don’t like.
What if they booby-trapped the portals somehow? What if they
got guards waiting on the other side for us? What if they shut down
the portal while we’re in some other timeline? We’ll be trapped
there and the ship will still be in the hands of those Germans.

DMA
Good point.
(beat)
I’ll go through by myself. Cover me.
If I’m not back in two minutes…

DMA walks up to a portal marked ‘American Civil War Divergence’. He takes a deep breath and steps through.

The rest of the ah.commers wait. DOCTOR WHAT is tapping his foot impatiently. LANDSHARK is caressing his BFG. CHRIS is literally jumping from one foot to another. He turns to THANDE.

CHRIS
What are you thinking about?

THANDE
(slightly perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™

CHRIS
(nodding his head)
Good man—keeping your mind on the job at hand…

DMA suddenly comes back out the portal. He has a look of sheer white-faced terror.

DMA
Have you…ever seen…an army of Confederate soldiers…
wearing nothing but…lingerie?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm, I find that image strongly amusing.

All the ah.commers look at DOCTOR WHAT in confusion. DOCTOR WHAT has a look of confusion on his face as well—which is suddenly replaced by horrified comprehension.

LANDSHARK
The virus!

DOCTOR WHAT
(annoyed tone)
Aw carp…..

INT-CTT.NET SHIP – LARGE ROOM-DAY

We see KIT, OTHNIEL and MATT up against a wall. MAX SINISTER, CARLTON BACH and ALAYTA are pointing large and ugly looking guns at them. The Germans each take a threatening step forward.

MAX SINISTER
Alright you schwein—talk!

ALAYTA
Ve haff vays off makink you talk.

CARLTON BACH
Vhy are you here?

KIT
Look- it was all a big misunderstanding. Can’t
we just talk about this and clear up this mess?

MAX SINISTER
No.
(turns to other soldiers)
Prepare to shoven zem out off der airlock.

The Germans grab KIT, OTHNIEL and MATT and are dragging them away when—

VOICE
(VO)
Gentlemen. Gentlemen! I’m sure that this can all be easily explained!

KIT, OTHNIEL and MATT turn to look at the voice.

KIT/MATT/OTHNIEL
(shocked voice)
YOU!

We see that the voice belongs to a Man.

He’s wearing black pajama pants, a white ascot and a red satin bathrobe. He has a large pipe in one hand.

Hanging on his arms are four gorgeous blonde women wearing just lingerie.

MAN
(smiling)
Allow me to introduce myself—I am FLOID.
You gentlemen—you must be here for the casting call, right?

MATT, OTHNIEL and KIT exchange a glance.

KIT
(confused voice)
Casting-

OTHNIEL
(confused voice)
–call?

MATT suddenly elbows both KIT and OTHNIEL in the ribs at the same time using both arms.

KIT/OTHNIEL
Ow!

MATT
(quickly)
Yes—casting call! Yup! We heard
about it and we couldn’t resist!

FLOID
Excellent!

FLOID notices MATT staring at the four women.

FLOID
Oh dear! Where are my manners!
(starts pointing out the women each in turn)
This is my girlfriend Tiffany, my girlfriend Candi,
my girlfriend Ginger and the last one is my girlfriend Babette.

MATT
(shocked and somewhat impressed)
Four girlfriends?

FLOID
(slightly embarrassed tone)
Well—when you get to my age you have
to slow down a bit, don’t you know….
(beat)
So—you’re here for the casting call! Excellent—
we are always looking for fresh new faces!

FOUR GIRLFRIENDS
(smiling)
(together)
Among other things…

FLOID
Walk this way—I’ll show you around…

INT- CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

Tight on-STEFFEN and SUSANO sitting side by side. We only see them from the chest up. Both of them are in some kind of highly spirited argument.

SUSANO
The Basic Law clearly states that “Human dignity
shall be inviolable. To respect and protect it shall
be the duty of all state authority.” Checkmate, nein?

STEFFEN
Nein! Not vhen der second paragraph clearly states that
the state is subordinate to the will of the people!

Tight on—Asian lingerie-clad big-breasted woman on her knees. Her arms are stretched out on either side of her and both of her hands are out of camera view. We hear STEFFEN and SUSANO still arguing.

The woman’s arms are rhythmically moving up and down.

STEFFEN
And furthermore, it is quite obvious that the forcing through
of those 1972 laws in any case violates those provisions.

SUSANO
That is a strawman argument! I refuse to even consider it.

Tight on- Asian lingerie-clad big-breasted woman on her knees. Her arms are still stretched out on either side of her and pumping up and down—but she has a bored look on her face.

STEFFEN
At least we can agree on one thing?
The EU sucks.

SUSANO
Ja. Although we think it for diametrically
opposed reasons.

Tight on- Asian lingerie-clad big-breasted woman on her knees. Her arms continue to be stretched out on either side of her and pumping up and down—but now she seems to be nodding off. She stifles a yawn.

SUSANO
And that is no reason not to have another
spirited political argument about it, nein?

STEFFEN
(enthusiastically)
Of course not!

Tight on- Asian lingerie-clad big-breasted woman on her knees. She’s sleeping and snoring softly. Her arms continue to pump up and down, seemingly on automatic.

Tight on- STEFFEN and SUSANO still arguing. Behind them, we see the AH.commers start to sneak past them.

LANDSHARK
(in a mutter)
Germans! The only race that would rather
talk politics than be jerked off by nubile Asian women.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shush – I find that image stringently aromatic.
…dammit.

The AH.commers sneak past.

INT. – CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see FLOID, his four girlfriends and the ah.commers walking down a corridor. OTHNIEL looks slightly pale faced and disgusted.

FLOID
(pointing down another corridor)
…and that’s where we do all our
‘Double D Girls who Love Girls’ series…

MATT
(looking down the corridor with a look of complete lust on his face)
Uh-huh….

They walk into a large lounge area. Sitting at various tables and chairs are six tall muscular men wearing nothing but tight shorts.

FLOID
Ah! These are my pride and joy of
the Gay porn section! How’s it going guys?

General murmur of ‘Goes well’, ‘Doing great”, and so forth.

KIT
(stammering)
Gay…gay porn?

FLOID
Allow me to introduce them—
(indicates each man as he says their name)
Luigi Palo, Vincenzio Stallone, Umberto Buonospinta,
Alfonse Roccoforte, Sergio Insemini and Ricardo Toro

KIT
(practically drooling)
They…they’re….Italian?

LUIGI PALO
Si!

KIT
(high pitched voice)
Oh….boy….

VINCENZIO STALLONE
Excusi—but your accent—is it…Welsh?

KIT
(slowly nodding head)
Uh-huh….

UMBERTO BUONOSPINTA
(smiling)
Ah—my first boyfriend was Welsh
(sighs wistfully)
Always wanted to recreate that experience…

KIT
(starts to drool again)
Uhhhh….

ALFONSE ROCCOFORTE
Say—do you work out?

KIT
(totally incapable of speech at this point)
(nods head again)
Hrrrrrrrrr-uuuughhhh….

SERGIO INSEMINI
I like the way your shirt emphasizes your muscles….

KIT
(almost drowning now on his own drool)
Guuuuuu-uuuurghh….

RICARDO TORO
Oh well—back to work! Bye!

They all leave.

KIT
(turning to FLOID)
Work?

FLOID
(taking a puff on his pipe)
Yes—they were taking a quick break from a movie
they were shooting -“Cumming to America”
(beat)
Say—would you like a role in it?

KIT
(dropping to his knees)
YEEEEEEEEES!

FLOID
(smiling)
Down that corridor—turn right at the first intersection—take the third door on your left.

KIT practically skips down the corridor.

FLOID
(turning to MATT and OTHNIEL)
Now you two—what’s your preference?

MATT
Actually—I have to tell you the truth– we didn’t come here -

FLOID
There’s an opening for a role in ‘Reverse Gangbang #36’

MATT
(cont.)
–for the casting—
(stops)
(beat)
Excuse me—did you say—‘Reverse Gangbang’?

FLOID
Yes—10 women gang up on
one guy and have sex with him.
(looks critically at MATT)
Say—were you in the military?
You have an armed forces aura to you…

MATT
Uh—Marines actually…

FLOID
What an amazing coincidence! The movie has a military theme
to it! It’s called “Deep Behind the Enemy”. Ten women “enemy soldiers”
capture a lone American soldier lost behind enemy lines. Turns
out that he has to have sex with all of them in order to get his
freedom. Want to be the American soldier?

MATT
(very long pause)
(suddenly comes to attention)
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country…..

OTHNIEL has his eyes shut and has been quietly praying during this entire conversation. FLOID notices his praying for the first time.

FLOID
(brightening)
Oh! A religious man! You’ll be perfect for our new production—
Erotic Rituals Of The Latex Nun Society!
(snaps his fingers)

Three large guards appear and drag OTHNIEL (now nearly in tears) away…

FLOID turns to MATT.

FLOID
Now if you will just follow me…

INT.- CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR – DAY

We see KIT skipping down the corridor. He comes to an intersection and stops with a confused look on his face

KIT
Did he say turn right or turn left?
(turns his head left and right and left again)
I think he said left…

Goes down the left hand section of the corridor. He comes to the third door on his left and knocks on it.

VOICE
(ov)
Come in!

KIT walks through the door.

We see a large room. Standing in the middle is a man wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt. This is MrP.

MrP
Ah—excellent—you must be the new guy!
I’m the director—come with me.

They walk to a side room.

MrP
Ok—take off your clothes and come with me—
your costars are waiting for –

zKIT practically tears his clothes off and throws them into a corner.

MrP
(cont.)
–you.
(beat)
(blinks eyes in confusion)
Oh—ok then. Walk this way.

They walk through a side door.

Tight On- KIT’s face as he walks through the door with a big smile on his face—that instantly freezes with confusion.

KIT’s POV- We see—lying on a large bed—are 3 naked large breasted beautiful women.

KIT
Uh—wait a minute—I think there’s been a –

MrP
(screaming)
Okay—we are behind schedule!
Girls –this is your new star.

GIRL #1
Say—he’s cute…

GIRL #2
I like his muscles…

GIRL #3
(staring at KIT’s crotch)
(licks lips)
Yummy…

Tight on- KIT
We see 6 hands grab KIT and drag him off screen.

Tight on—MrP and various camera crew members

KIT
(ov)
Oh god! No! Stop it! Stop! Please for the love of God!
There’s been a mistake! Stop! That’s not supposed to go there!
NOOOOOOOOOOO—!

MrP
(staring offscreen at KIT)
(long admiring look)
Wow—what an actor! You would
actually believe that he’s not enjoying it!

An assistant (JUSTIN PICKARD) carrying a clickboard is standing next to MrP.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(consulting clipboard)
Should I put him down for two movies, sir?

MrP
(over sound of KIT’s continuous protests)
Better make it four—this boy’s a natural!
Can’t have that talent go to waste!

JUSTIN PICKARD scribbles furiously into his clipboard.

INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY

We see grinning MATT lying on a bed. Surrounding him are ten gorgeous women, all in various military uniforms. Partial uniforms to be precise—many of the women are semi-naked.

We can see various cameras and equipment in the background.

BRUNETTE #1
So—American swine—we have captured you.

REDHEAD #1
Yes—soon all your secrets will belong to us.

BLONDE #1
Yes—but you will now suffer a fate
worse than…than…than…uh…
(whispers off screen)
Line!

VOICE
(offscreen)
…fate worse than death…

BLONDE #1
Right!—you will now suffer a fate worse
than death as we kill you with sex!

MATT
(whispering)
Thank you Jesus!

Women rip off MATT’s clothes. They suddenly stop.x

BRUNETTE #1
Hey—how do we take turns here? What do the rest
of us do while we’re waiting for him to finish?

REDHEAD #1
Don’t know.

MATT
Hey—how about some lesbo action!

BLONDE #1
Lesbian action?!

The women all stare at one another for a few seconds in surprise.

BRUNETTE #2
(embarrassed tone)
You know-I’ve been in this business for 3 years
and I’ve never had a lesbian scene.

BLONDE #1
Neither have I

REDHEAD #2
Same here.

BRUNETTE #1
Always wanted to know what it’s like…

REDHEAD #1
(quietly)
Same here—but I’ve never found the
right moment…or the right opportunity…

BRUNETTE #3
(staring at BLONDE #2)
You know—I’ve never told you this before
but….I’ve…always felt….something with you….
a strange yearning attraction….

BLONDE #2
(staring back)
…you too?…

They slowly move closer to one another. And then kiss passionately.

MATT is grinning like crazy at this—then notices that all of the other women are kissing each other as well. None are paying any attention at all to him.

MATT
Hey! Excuse me! Reverse gangbang movie here!

BRUNETTE#3
(breaks kiss with BLONDE #2)
Buzz off!
(turns to BLONDE #2)
My God! That was incredible! All this time I felt
this emptiness within me and today I find out it’s
because I haven’t been true to my own feelings!

BLONDE #2
And I too have been denying these feelings
within me for too long! But never again!

They kiss again. So do the other women. MATT is still being ignored.

MATT
(turning to the camera crew)
Isn’t there anything you can do to stop this?!

CAMERA MAN
(offscreen)
Dude? Why should I stop this? Ten lesbians making out!
Woo hoo! Keep the cameras rolling!

MATT
(angry)
But they were suppose to be having sex with me!

CAMERA MAN
(offscreen)
Sucks to be you, I guess……

INT. – CONVENT SET – DAY

OTHNIEL is being manhandled through a fake Gothic cathedral set by four big-breasted women wearing latex nun’s habits. Meanwhile, off to one side, we can see SATYRANE wearing a director’s cap and holding a video camera.

SATYRANE
Great, great, we’re still on schedule.
Let’s try and make this in one wrap, OK?

OTHNIEL
Mmmmmmmmuurrgghh…

SATYRANE
Action!
(leers)
In more ways than one.

The LATEX NUNS start fondling OTHNIEL and gently easing his clothing away.

LATEX NUN #1
(seductively)
You have sinned, little one,
and you must be punished.

OTHNIEL
(pulls himself together)
What? I don’t hold with any of that Catholic claptrap!
All that counts is faith expressing itself through love!

LATEX NUN#1
(confused)
What? You’re REALLY religious?

SATYRANE
(confused)
This isn’t right…

OTHNIEL
I do not practice sexual immorality.

LATEX NUN#2
(angrily)
Well, you go ahead and sneer at us
from your moral high ground, you prick!

OTHNIEL
(calmly)
“Do not be over-righteous or over-wise,
Why destroy yourself?”
-Ecclesiastes 7:16

SATYRANE
(still confused)
Is this supposed to be happening?

LATEX NUN#1
But if you’re such a holy man then why
aren’t you turning your backs on us?

OTHNIEL
“I tell you the truth, porn stars and insurance
men are entering the Kingdom of Heaven before
those who speak loudly of their righteousness.”
-Matthew 21:31, paraphrased

LATEX NUN#1
(curious)
Really? Tell me more…

SATYRANE
(frustrated, jumping up and down)
But you’re supposed to be entering a universe
of forbidden pleasure and ecstacy!

OTHNIEL
(standing up)
“I acquired a harem and all the delights of the heart of man,
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired,
I refused my heart no pleasure.
Yet all was meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
There is nothing new under the sun.”
-Ecclesiastes 2:8

SATYRANE
Stop quoting the Bible and just shag them!

OTHNIEL gets up, a dark look in his eye, and punches SATYRANE in the face. Although it’s not particularly hard, SATYRANE is so surprised that he falls over, unconscious.

OTHNIEL
(gesturing to the cathedral set around him)
“You have made my Father’s House into a den of thieves!”
Uh…well…porn thieves? Thieves of womens’ dignity?
(shrugs)
It’s the principle of the thing.
(turns back to LATEX NUNS)
So anyway. Where was I? Oh yes.
“In the beginning, there was the Word, and the Word was
with God, and the Word was God…”

INT-LARGE WASHROOM/CHANGING ROOM – DAY

MrP
(o.v.)
Ok—that’s a wrap! Everyone –take a one hour break!

A few seconds later we see KIT rush in. He runs straight to one of the showers and jumps in.

KIT
(rubbing vast amounts of soap over his body with a large scouring pad)
(repeating words like a mantra)
Unclean! Unclean! Must remove filth from body!
(starts sobbing)
They…they…touched me….THERE!…
(starts weeping while simultaneously still scouring himself with pad)

Naked women come in and start changing into some clothes.

KIT walks out of the shower out with a slightly stunned look on his face.

GIRL #1
Hey—you were great back there!

GIRL #2
Yeah—that was definitely something different!

KIT
(still stunned)
Yeah—thanks—I think…

KIT suddenly blinks and looks critically at one of the women, who’s in the process of getting dressed.

KIT
Excuse me but—are you REALLY
going to wear that red lingerie?

GIRL #1
(confused look)
Uh—yes—of course. Why not?

KIT
Cause red isn’t your color, honey! It totally clashes
with your skin color! And that material—ugh! And
the way it hangs on you—ye Gods—don’t you have
any pride in your appearance, woman?!

GIRL #1
(totally confused)
Huh? What? How?…

KIT walks to the closet and ponders for a moment and picks a black lingerie.

KIT
Here—try this on! Look at the way it accentuates
the color of your skin tone and your breasts but
allows you to breathe comfortably in it.

GIRL #1
(looking at herself in the mirror)
Oh my Gawd! You are sooo right!

Other girls start shouting “Do me! Do me!”

KIT gets to work mixing and matching different clothing for them…

INT.- CTT.NET SHIP BRIG-DAY

We see a lone guard- OBERDADA – sitting at a control station, his feet up on the desk, looking bored. He’s looking at a TV on one corner of the desk, clicking rapidly through various channels—most of them porn.

OBERDADA
57 channels und nothing on….
(A David Hasselhoff music video ‘Hooked on Feeling’ appears on one of the channels)
Finally! Something good to watch!

A hand taps him on the shoulder. He turns around to see Chris standing behind him.

CHRIS
Get off my ship!

CHRIS punches OBERDADA, knocking him to the ground, unconscious.

DMA
Boo-yah! Jihad on his arse!

DOCTOR WHAT
I found that strictly angora.

THANDE
(slightly perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™

CHRIS
(rubbing fist)
Damn straight!

DMA walks over to a control panel and presses a few buttons. The brig doors open and about a dozen or so crewmembers come out, including THOMAS WM. HAMILTON and SCOTT PALTER.

A brief reunion ensues with the crew. Quick introductions are made all around. The crew assembles in front of Chris.

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
What’s the plan, Captain?

CHRIS is about to respond when he stops and looks over at DMA for a moment, smiles and then turns back to his crew.

CHRIS
Jihad on their arses!

Great cheering sound from the assembled crew. They all run off down a corridor.

INT-AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM-DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting in the Captain’s chair. His chin is resting in one hand and he’s idly tapping his fingers on the arm rest. GREY WOLF, STRAHA, LUAKEL and FLOCCULENCIO are sitting at various stations, all looking bored too.

DAVE looks down at the armrest and starts pressing buttons randomly. A large glass of rum and coke comes out of a side panel. DAVE presses another button. A small TV screen comes down from the ceiling—we hear moans, groans and the occasional baa-ing come from the TV. DAVE presses yet another button. The drink and TV panels pop back inside.

DAVE HOWERY
(sighing)
This blows! It’s freaking boring just sitting here!
When is something exciting going to happen?

There’s a beeping sound.

LUAKEL
Incoming transmission coming…uh…in.

DMA
(o.v.)
Something exciting has happened guys! We’ve
managed to successfully break the crew out!
We are attempting to retake the ship—stand
by for further orders. Message ends.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh great! They get to have all that hun and we get to
just sit here on our lassoes and twiddling our crumbs!

A look of confusion suddenly appears on DAVE HOWERY’s face.

INT. – CTT.NET – BRIDGE – DAY

We see CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER sitting at the navigation and helm stations of the bridge. The bridge doors open and FLOID comes in and sits in the command chair.

FLOID
Report!

CARLTON BACH
Porn channel transmission stations reporting no problems.
Ve haff completed 97% of our target productions today.
Subscriptions up 12% in the last 6 hours. Ve should be
receiving our first payment for services vithin 12 hours.

FLOID
Excellent!

MAX SINISTER
All ship functions at nominal levels.

FLOID
(disinterested tone)
Yeah—whatever….

MAX SINISTER
Orders mein Kapitan?

FLOID
We will be leaving this timeline
within the hour to return home.

MAX SINISTER
(smiling)
Floidy Mansion—here we come!

CARLTON BACH
(hesitantly)
Mein Kapitan—about our payment….?

FLOID
Don’t worry—I have not forgotten your assistance in taking
this ship. You and your companions will be paid in full along
with a generous bonus once the first subscription payments start coming in.

CARLTON BACH
Excellent! Zer sooner ve leave this empty space the better.
I’m still not 100% sure ve should have letten der Kapitan go.

MAX SINISTER
Oh please! He’s infected with the virus and
he is but one man! What can he possible do?

CARLTON BACH
Ja! It’s not like he vill be able to find ein ship at the last minute
and convince der crew to mount ein attack against us.

MAX SINISTER
Exactly! Even if he did—viz der firepower that this ship has,
that ship will have to have insane crewmembers
und ein even more demented captain, ja?

CARLTON BACH
Vhat are the odds of finding such ein ship?

They both laugh.

INT. – CTT.NET – CORRIDOR – DAY

We see the CTT.NET and AH.COM crew in a massive firefight with many German soldiers. STEFFEN and SUSANO are leading the Germans.

DMA
Damn it! There’s too many of them! We have to fall back!

THOMAS WM. HAMILTON
We can’t! We got troops trying to flank us from behind!

SCOTT PALTER
Any chance to break through?

CHRIS
Not without losing half the crew in the process!
We’re going to need some help here!

DOCTOR WHAT and CHRIS exchange a glance.

DOCTOR WHAT
The sheep! Thyme can attach and crêpe a depiction!

CHRIS
(slowly works this out)
The…ship…can…attack…and create…a…distraction…?

DMA
Of course!

He pulls out his comm. unit…

INT.- AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE – DAY

We see the ah.com crew staring at each other in confusion.

DMA
(o.v.)
Dave! We need you guys to create a distraction!
You need to attack the ship and buy us some time! What the–!
(sound of gunfire and explosions followed by static)

DAVE HOWERY
K.O., MAD!
(to bridge crew)
Peeper to attic that ship! Full poser to the
egos and do a stuffing run with our penile bees!

GREY WOLF
Wet the hulk—aback with our wart?

STRAHA
No you moor—do a strange run fist!

FLOCCULENCIO
Farting up the articles bums!

LUAKEL
I tinkle we should let our spiels up fist…

DAVE HOWERY
Just mope this hip you diets—oh dine I’ll loo it!

HOWERY, GREY WOLF, STRAHA and LUAKEL all leap to the navigation/helm stations and start elbowing and hitting each other for control of the ship.

EXT.- AH.COM SHIP- DAY

We see the maneuvering engines fire, seemingly in three different directions simultaneously. With the sound of much groaning of metal, the AH.COM ship slowly starts moving towards the CTT.NET ship. It quickly starts to pick up speed but it’s flying highly erratically….

INT. – CTT.NET SHIP BRIDGE – DAY

Alarms and flashing lights are going off throughout the bridge.

MAX SINISTER
Donner und Blitzen—it just showed up out of nowhere!

FLOID
Never mind where it came from! Blast that ship!

CARLTON BACH
It will be in our weapons range any second!
Targeting ship now vith all missiles and lasers…

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

We see the AH.COM ship fly towards the CTT.NET ship at astounding speed. Suddenly it manages to make a 90 degree turn at the last moment and fires a barrage of weapon fire, seemingly at random. One of the particle beams hits a missile that was launched at the AH.COM ship. The missile gets grazed and it spins out of control for a second or two—then it falls back towards the CTT.NET ship! A small but rather impressive looking explosion appears on the surface of the CTT.NET ship. The AH.COM ship suddenly stops –and does a full reversal backwards—and avoids several more missiles that would have intersected it had it been going forward. A barrage of missiles are fired by the AH.Com ship—away from the CTT.NET ship! The missiles fly for several seconds and then—running out of fuel—come to a stop.

But only for a few seconds. The immense size and gravity of the CTT.NET ship seems to attract the now powerless missiles and they fall back towards the CTT.NET ship. The CTT.NET ship’s defenses are too busy firing on the highly erratically flying AH.COM ship to notice the missiles drifting back towards them for a few seconds.

Seconds that will prove costly to them…

The missiles impact onto the CTT.NET, rippling flames and debris across its entire surface.

INT. –CTT.NET SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

The bridge is a mess—emergency lights are on, smoke fills the air, sparks are shooting out from one or two panels.

CARLTON BACH
I cannot get ein lock on the ship!

MAX SINISTER
Ve are missing neun shots out
of every zehn ve aim at them!

FLOID
(mix of fear and awe)
The crew on that ship…they must be one of the
most brilliant and well-trained crews in the entire Multiverse!

CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER nod in agreement.

FLOID
Continue firing!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE –DAY

DAVE HOWERY, GREY WOLF and FLOCCULENCIO are still fighting each other over control of the navigation/helm stations. LUAKEL and STRAHA are on the floor, knocked unconscious.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
Aback thyme using the Dickhead Manure!

GREY WOLF
(screaming)
No—cue the Mitterrand Neuter!

FLOCCULENCIO
(screaming)
You gays are a munch of wafers!
We sue the Guam Mender!

They continue fighting each other, pressing buttons randomly…

EXT-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see a single missile manage to hit the ah.com ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR –DAY

We see a large reinforced door marked ‘Doc’s Porn Storage’. It explodes, sending a wave of fire and shredded magazines and melted DVDs flying down the corridor.

INT.- CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR-DAY

The AH.COM ship attacks seem to have reached even here—debris of all kinds are scattered about, as well as the occasional unconscious German soldier. A few flames are flickering here and there and the entire area is shrouded in smoke. The ah.commers/ctt.netters launch another assault at the rest of the Germans, forcing many of them to retreat.

EXT- AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We see the widely erratically flying ship fly off into deep space. The CTT.NET ship can be seen in the background, adrift. Several small sections of the CTT.NET ship are obviously damaged.

INT. –CTT.NET SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

CARLTON BACH
They’re leaving!

MAX SINISTER
Oh danken Gott!

FLOID
They must be just regrouping for another attack!

CARLTON BACH
Cunning schweinhunds!

FLOID
Indeed—that crew must be one of the bravest crews
I’ve ever met! To launch such an audacious attack—and succeed!
(shakes head)
Those guys must not know the meaning of the word ‘fear’

MAX SINISTER
(terrified voice)
I am scared.
(turns to CARLTON)
(pleading voice)
Hold me.

CARLTON BACH stares at MAX SINISTER for a very long moment.

CARLTON BACH
Only if you promise to hold me too, ja?

Beeping sound diverts their attention.

MAX SINISTER
(looking at some screens)
Mein Kapitan—der crew—they escaped from the brig!
(pause)
They’re in a firefight vith our forces on level 14!

FLOID
Damn it! I knew it! This was all part of their cunning plan!
Get all available forces down there at once!

The Bridge door suddenly explodes, sending debris in every direction.

The AH.commers and CHRIS come charging into the bridge.

DMA
Everyone! Surrender now or we’ll jihad your arse!

MAX SINISTER and CARLTON BACH glance at one another and immediately raise their hands in surrender.

CHRIS walks towards FLOID.

CHRIS
So you’re the bastard who stole my ship and turned it
into a porn factory! Why? Why did you do this?

FLOID
(defiantly)
Do you have any idea how much
money I’m planning to make here?

CHRIS smiles.

CHRIS
Not anymore! While we are up here, the rest of my crew are
busy shutting down all the transmitters and wiping the computers
of all the porn you recorded. There’s going to
be nothing left by the time we’re through.

FLOID
What? But…what about all the subscription orders?
All the merchandise we were getting ready to ship out?
All the stuff in storage?

CHRIS
All gone. Blown up by the AH.com ship’s attack.

FLOID screams

FLOID
Nooooooo! You’ve just wiped out…
(pauses for a second—pulls out a calculator and does a quick calculation)
….75 million credits! I’m ruined! I don’t
even have enough to pay the Germans!

CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER glance at one another in surprise. They turn to FLOID.

CARLTON BACH/MAX SINISTER
(together)
Ve quit!

MAX SINISTER
(to CHRIS)
May I make ein announcement to my troops?

CHRIS is surprised by this and looks to the AH.commers for advice. They all give non-committal shrugs.

CHRIS
OK.

MAX SINISTER
(pressing button on P.A. system)
Attention all troops! ….

INT. – CTT.NET SHIP CORRIDOR –DAY

We see a large group of German soldiers in a furious firefight with some CTT.netters.

STEFFEN
Die scum! For der glory —

MAX SINISTER
(o.v.)
….all troops! Mr. FLOID has no pay for us!
I repeat—we are not getting paid!

STEFFEN
–of the – vas is los?
(blinks)
(looks up at P.A.)
(turns to group of CTT.netters he was shooting at)
Did he say—no money?

CTT.netters nod.

STEFFEN
(angrily)
Vell—fuck zis!

All the German soldiers drop their weapons and start walking away.

SUSANO
(tuts)
It all comes down to money viz you CDU people, doesn’t it?

STEFFEN
Zat is an outrageous slander!
(happily)
Let’s have a long political debate about it!

SUSANO
(happily)
Jawohl!

INT. –CTT.NET SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

We see CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER walking out the bridge. CARLTON BACH gives a vial to CHRIS.

CARLTON BACH
Antidote for der virus.

He continues to walk away. CHRIS fills a syringe with the antidote and starts injecting the crew with it, starting with DOCTOR WHAT.

FLOID
(calling to the Germans)
Wait—come back! This can still work!

CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER walk out.

FLOID
(still defiant)
Well—I still have some aces up my sleeve!
I just recruited three new promising new
porn stars and I could start over and—

KIT suddenly walks into the bridge—with the three women co-stars of his and FLOID’s four girlfriends—all of them clad in lingerie

KIT
Hi guys!

General chorus of ‘Kit!’

TIFFANY
Bye-bye, Floid! All of us are leaving you!

FLOID
WHAT?!? All of you!? But…but…why?

CANDI
The lingerie you had us wearing—
it’s, like, sooooo last year!

GINGER
Thanks to Kit here, we’ve realized
that you’re totally uncool!

BABETTE
Bye-bye!

All the girls leave.

KIT
(calling after them)
Now remember girls—complementary colors
are your friend! If you ever need any more advice,
you have my e-mail address, ok?

GIRLS
(together)
Thanks! You’re the best!

They all leave.

FLOID
(still defiantly but not as much as before)
Well…well…I still have a few more porn starsl Like…
.like…like those latex nuns of mine!

OTHNIEL walks into the bridge—with the latex nun co-stars of his.

OTHNIEL
Hey guys!

General chorus of ‘Oth!’

FLOID
(staring at the latex nuns)
Don’t tell me you’re leaving too?!?

LATEX NUN #1
Yes—Oth here has opened our eyes to religion.

LATEX NUN #2
We’ve realized that we have
been leading a life of sin and misery.

LATEX NUN #3
So we’ve decided to become REAL nuns!

DOCTOR WHAT raises an eyebrow at this and sidles over next to OTHNIEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
So…are you planning to have
kids with one of them and
have a secret lineage over 2000 years?

OTHNIEL
Don’t believe those Hollywood lies!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ohh. So you’re planning to have
kids with ALL of them?

OTHNIEL
(yelling)
I AM NOT A MORMON!

The LATEX NUNS leave the bridge.

FLOID
(sort of defiant)
Well…well…l…I still have ONE more…

MATT comes walking into the bridge, looking visibly depressed. The ten female co-stars of his are trailing behind him.

Chorus of ‘Matt!’

MATT
(depressed)
Yeah—like—whatever guys…

FLOID
No—don’t tell me…

BRUNETTE #1
We’re leaving you, Floid…

REDHEAD #1
Thanks to Matt here, we have all realized that
we are actually lesbians and we can not—in
good conscience—ever have sex with another man ever again.

FLOID
But what will you do? Where will you go?

BLONDE #1
Actually—most of us have always been interested
in martial arts and we’ve heard about this place where
it’s a combination massage parlor/ninja school.

BRUNETTE #2
(thoughtfully)
Mistress Jade’s House of Infinite Pleasures
I think it’s called. We’re going to go there.

BLONDE #2
But we’re only give massages to women!

REDHEAD #2
You said it! Men are so….icky!

They all leave. MATT begins to cry.

FLOID
(collapses onto the floor)
I’ve got…nothing! Absolutely nothing!
My ship is the only thing left!
(starts crying)

The ah.commers all look a bit uncomfortable. CHRIS looks even more embarrassed.

CHRIS
Jeez man—look why don’t you…why don’t you just leave
while you still have a few shreds of your dignity left. Just go—
there’s not much more we can do to you to make your life more miserable.

FLOID (wiping tears from his eyes) slowly walks out the bridge.

CHRIS
(brightly)
So—anyone up for falefels?

LATER

INT.- AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR –DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT rushing down a corridor at high speed. He turns a corner and sees—

–the destroyed Porn Storage Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
(collapsing to his knees)
(screaming)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(starts sobbing)
It was good porn! It lived a good life! It always made me smile!

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

We see LUAKEL walking down a corridor. He’s carrying a box. He meets OTHNIEL coming in from the other direction.

OTHNIEL
Hey Luaky—where are you going?
What’s in the box?

LUAKEL
(putting the box on the ground)
Well-I’m going to go visit the Doc. He hasn’t been out
of his room ever since he found out his porn was destroyed.
I felt a little bad for him so I went digging through
all the debris in the storage room.
(indicates box)
Fortunately—this box of his favourite porn
magazines survived the explosion.

OTHNIEL glances down at the box and wordlessly pulls a small flask from his pocket and pours the fluid into the box. From another pocket he pulls out a box of matches. He lights a match and drops it into the box. With a loud FWOOOSH sound, the box bursts into flames.

LUAKEL
(same tone as before)
Unfortunately—even this box of his favourite porn
magazines did not survive the explosion.

OTHNIEL and LUAKEL walk away in different directions.

CLOSE-UP –Box of porn burning merrily away.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL-DAY

We see WEAPON M and MATT sitting together.

WEAPON M
So there I am with these two chicks and they’re
doing each other and I say to them. “Hey—can I
get some of this?” and they look at me and
they say “Yeah—sure—come on in!”…

MATT
(rolling eyes)
Yeah…yeah—and that’s how
you ended up in a threesome.
(defiantly)
Yeah…well…I…NEARLY had an elevensome!
(suddenly bursts into tears)

WEAPON M
(patting him on the shoulder)
There…there dude.
(beat)
So—anyway—they say to me “Come on in!”, so I…

TIGHT ON—MATT sobbing.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS [/QUOTE]