TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in a rocking chair, energetically blowing away on a harmonica with exaggerated typewriter-roll-like side-to-side gestures. He’s wearing a Sergeant Pepper jacket and a painfully clashing, neon-coloured kilt.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tunelessly singing)
Chains!
My baby’s got me locked up in chains!
And they ain’t the kind
That you can see-ee-ee-ee…

He winks at the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Unfortunate-lee!

We hear the sound of someone banging a shoe on the adjoining wall.

LANDSHARK
(VO)
For fuck’s sake go to sleep!
Preferably permanently!

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him, still singing)
Whoa-oh, these chains of lo-o-ove
Gotta hold on me, yea-ah!

LANDSHARK
One more word, O Grand Canuck,
and I’m telling Erikka that you held
back the…special stuff when you
lent her your lesbian porn collection.

DOCTOR WHAT considers and rapidly shuts up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(under his breath)
Spoilsport.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LANDSHARK’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see LANDSHARK climb down from the wall, drop the shoe he was banging on it with, and finally fall into bed with a sigh of relief.

Then his alarm clock goes off and the ship’s lights rise towards day.

LANDSHARK
Fucking arseholes…

LANDSHARK grabs a handy sledgehammer, bludgeons his alarm clock into pieces, then grabs his pillow and pulls it over his head as though smothering himself. However, his door slides back to reveal DOCTOR WHAT standing there, looking refreshed and ready for the day’s challenges.

DOCTOR WHAT
(putridly cheerful)
Wake up sleepyhead!

LANDSHARK
(mumbling)
I’d k’ll h’m, but I
don’t have th’ ’nergy…

LEO CAESIUS
(voice from above)
Attention all crew.
Thirty minutes to our destination.
Report to the bridge immediately!

DOCTOR WHAT
(clapping his hands)
What a glorious day!

He marches out, LANDSHARK following but pausing to pick up a knife from his bedside table…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE REIGN OF SPAIN FALLS MAINLY DOWN THE DRAIN”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

Most of the Ah.commers are already present. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT struts in followed by a groggy LANDSHARK with murder in his eyes. DOCTOR WHAT claps his hands like a primary school teacher and beams at his assembled ‘troops’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well! Friends, Ah.commers,
countrymen! And Americans,
and Brits, and Aussies too!

HENDRYK
Et les francaises!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, yes, and them.

MICHAEL
Get on with it…

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
Today we have a mission of
the utmost importance.
Not just another booze ‘n’ porn run…

General sounds of disappointment from the crew.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But it’s been three whole days since the last one!

STRAHA
Yeah, like, I’ve already burned through
half of that pot you brought back!
Shoddy stuff too…

DOCTOR WHAT
(still ignoring them)
This was a mission given to me
by IAN himself, the last time we
visited the Hub.

The grumbling turns to impressed murmurs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So what did the Great Ian want?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll tell you…

SFX. – SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE – FADING TO INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

IAN and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting in a dingy booth in a dimly lit section of Ouroboros, with few patrons in the background.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s this mission about?

IAN
There have been…upheavals lately.
All this Fallen activity, and that’s only
the half of it…

IAN lowers his voice significantly; both he and DOCTOR WHAT lean in conspiratorially.

IAN
Anyway. There are some dangerous items
strewn across the multiverse, and I want your
Ah.com crew to retrieve them for me.
Particularly since other, dark forces are
searching for them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mmm-kay.
Can I get a refill here?

SFX. – SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE – FADING TO INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What kind of items?

DOCTOR WHAT
All sorts. Mystic artefacts,
Dangerous weapons-

WEAPON M
Dangerous weapons!
Goody!

DOCTOR WHAT
But this time he’s sent us
after a mineral deposit.

Sounds of disappointment.

LANDSHARK
A mineral deposit?!
That’s gripping drama, is it?

DIAMOND
Remember what happened
the last time we searched for minerals…

All the Ah.commers shudder.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is the AC broken again?
I don’t want to have to fix it…

DOCTOR WHAT
(continuing)
This is no ordinary mineral.
It’s Hardaeznite, the active ingredient
of crosstime bombs.
If one of the Fallen gets their hands on it,
goodbye several Timelines.

HENDRYK
So one of the Fallen wants it?
I hope it’s that Collins character.
I’ll get him next time!

HENDRYK hefts his Mauser knockoff with a strange expression on his face. MICHAEL and MATT, standing on either side, nervously edge away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
None of the Fallen have the
transport or tech to find it.
But there are some who do, willing to
sell it to the highest bidder.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – WARD’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

There is a click, a soft whirr, and upon a white painted bulkhead a picture appears.

WARD is staring intently at the picture, GRIMM REAPER sitting in a seat near him.

All is quiet for a moment.

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
I’ve just heard some news.

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, please tell.

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
Seems there’s some kind of mineral called Hardaeznite
that is used in creating crosstime bombs.

GRIMM REAPER
interesting… it could have some potential for
further destruction in the coming months.
(grins

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
What and the AH.commers are after is.

GRIMM REAPER
(nods in understanding)
I see…

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
We need to get our hands on this mineral.
(long silence)
You’ll take command of the ship, take us to this alternate earth,
and lead the mission to take control of this mineral.

GRIMM REAPER
Take command? Me?

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
I’m busy…
You are dismissed.

GRIMM REAPER gets up and silently leaves the quarters.

WARD continues to stare intently at the picture, there’s a click, a soft whirr, and the picture changes.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER paces the deck of the Control Room, glancing occasionally at WARD’s empty command chair. The main screen shows a swirling vortex – the ship is still in crosstime transit.

GRIMM REAPER
Fortyseven!
Target ETA?

FORTYSEVEN
Bilbao, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
(sighing)
That joke wasn’t funny the
first 300 times you did it, either.
It’s time for another trip to the Booth!

With shuffling feet, FORTYSEVEN leaves. In the background of the next few lines, we hear him screaming distantly. GRIMM REAPER glances to MERRYPRANKSTER.

GRIMM REAPER
How about you?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Twenty minutes sir!

GRIMM REAPER
(grudgingly)
Better.

MERRY PRANKSTER bows his head in relief, when he suddenly stiffens and we see the blade of a scythe has nestled behind his ear.

GRIMM REAPER
(quietly)
But not good enough.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes-sir?

GRIMM REAPER
They say that fool What
is after the Hardaeznite too!
I want us there yesterday!
Or I’ll give you a short back and
sides you’ll never forget!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(terrified)
Yessir!

MERRYPRANKSTER spins around and desperately hits controls. The whine of the engines slowly grows in pitch. GRIMM REAPER turns as FEEALIN appears next to him, holding a tray.

FEEALIN
Your elevenses, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
About time too.

GRIMM REAPER takes a slice of fruit off the tray and is about to bite into it, when he stops and eyes it.

GRIMM REAPER
(suspiciously)
Is this melon?

FEEALIN
Only the finest.

GRIMM REAPER
I think not.
I don’t care for artificial sweeteners.

GRIMM REAPER raises the tray and smashes it down on FEEALIN’s head; FEEALIN falls.

Then the vortex vanishes to be replaced by Earth.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve arrived, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
Time to steal it from under What’s
overly large nose.

GRIMM REAPER heads for the Lift, MERRYPRANKSTER following.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – SPACE – NIGHT

We see the Cf.net ship, then pull back, across the day and night side of Earth, to a point opposite. A vortex appears and the Ah.com ship emerges. Zoom in…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT nods and relinquishes the command chair to HENDRYK.

DOCTOR WHAT
This is it. This is the timeline.
From the information Ian gave me, this place seems to be
lagging behind in the scientific development area.

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
Yeah, says the guy who’s standing in the Control Room
of a ship that can cross into alternate universes and for all
intents and purposes is a starship. Compared to that every
bloody timeline is lagging behind us development wise.

DOCTOR WHAT
This world is on a development level of about the late 18th century.

MATT
(hefts his BFG)
Hey, bet there’s a colony in America that’s about
ripe to rebel and kick some English ass.

LANDSHARK
(grabs the BFG)
Not bloody likely.
You damned Colonials ruined
everything for the British Empire.

MATT and LANDSHARK begin wrestling with the BFG, which fires random plasma blasts at the ceiling. Things shatter and spark in the best traditions of Star Trek.

LEO CAESIUS
Stop it! You’re tickling me!
In any case, there are no Americans here.

LANDSHARK
Yay!

LEO CAESIUS
Or free Englishmen.

LANDSHARK
Boo!

DOCTOR WHAT
The Pod is that the Spanish Armada succeeded. Now
the Spanish Empire is the premier superpower of the planet.
Spanish Rule of the world did not help in the progression of science.

LEO CAESIUS
Intercepting transmissions…

MICHAEL
What transmissions?
There’s no radio in a world that’s
pretty much the late 18th century.

LEO CAESIUS
(with dignity)
I’m a very good listener.

GREY WOLF stares at a screen, information appearing.

GREY WOLF
Um, it says here that the Spaniards have conquered
nearly all the Protestant nations, and France is cowed…

OTHNIEL
If those powers are gone, who’s colonising?

GBW
Just the Spaniards.
They have all the Americas, at least nominally,
plus South Africa and colonies in India and Australia.

DIAMOND
Who else is there?

GBW
Russia’s the only other big power, and it’s moving
towards an alliance with the smaller ones that
oppose Spain – Sweden and the Ottoman Empire.

STRAHA
Those three?!
That’s…whacked-up…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. It’s well known all three
support resistance groups inside
Spanish territory…
And the Spaniards are threatening
war if they sign a treaty.
A war which there is a very real
possibility they could win.

Shivers all around.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alright who turned down the air?

GBW
Sorry, it gets hot sitting on this seat…

DOCTOR WHAT
(loudly)
But that’s not our problem.
Let’s just look for the Hardaeznite,
get it and get out.

LEO CAESIUS
I think I have something…
Yes! It’s in Britain!

THANDE
(keenly interested)
Oh?

LEO CAESIUS
London, to be precise.

THANDE
(suddenly vehement)
London! All we ever bloody
see of Britain is London!
Why can’t we go somewhere
interesting, like York?

LANDSHARK
Or Durham?

GREY WOLF
Yeah, or Birmingham?

Pause – all look at GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
What?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning away from him)
Can we beam down, Leo?

G.BONE
(enthrusatic)
Yeah, beam down. I can do that.
Come on, let’s go to the Teleportation Room!

LEO CAESIUS
Negative.
The Hardaeznite energies
block teleporters.

G.BONE
(sarcastically)
Oh, very convenient.
The firs time I want to do something…
(falls asleep)

DOCTOR WHAT
A shuttle, then.
Leo, download yourself
into its computers. As for crew…
I need natives and muscle.
In other words, Landshark, KIT
and Thande, plus MATT and IronYuppie.

WEAPON M
(angry)
Why not me?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Because somebody’s got to stay
here and catalogue the new lesbian
porn acquisitions.

WEAPON M
(happy)
Okay!

MATT
Hey, can we switch?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
And Leo – pack us some period costumes!

LEO CAESIUS
Hey, pack them up yourself. I’m not
sorting through all those boxes. And you
realize I have no hands currently don’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. Someone wake up G.Bone!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

We see the exterior of a shuttle, which is rocking gently from side to side, and hear muffled VO voices of those inside.

LANDSHARK
Not to steal Ward’s line,
but get your head out of my arse!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry…
Hey, this tutu’s really small.

KIT
That’s because it’s a ruff.

DOCTOR WHAT
Certainly is, Kit. I can hardly breathe.

KIT
I meant – oh, never mind.

More muffled banging about as the Ah.commers get their period costume on.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…when I asked G.Bone to load that
Elizabethan court dress, I kind of assumed
Erikka was going to wear it…

LANDSHARK
You can prise this diamond encrusted
beauty from my cold bloody corpse.

KIT
(smirking)
Is that a challenge?

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Inject a note of sanity!
Get us launched!

The shuttle drunkenly takes off, engines complaining due to the high crew loadout, and jets out of the bay towards the planet.

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

London looks less advanced than the equivalent period in OTL, more like about 1650-1700. Also, everything is more ornate and there has been no Great Fire. The streets are full of merchants, hawkers and thieves. Red-clad Global Inquisitors stand at every corner, and troops occasionally march down a street.

As we watch, a trio of Cf.netters, GRIMM REAPER leading and followed by DOMINUSNOVUS and MERRYPRANKSTER, walk purposefully down a street, idly pushing members of the public into walls to clear their path.

GRIMM REAPER
This place stinks of corruption.
I like it!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yeah, but it’s all monarchies…

DOMINUSNOVUS
True…
Still, what about that woman I pulled?
What was her name again?
(stares myopically at a hasty scribble on a bit of paper)
El Puta Dorada?

MERRYPRANKSTER sighs. GRIMM REAPER spots a boy hawking newspapers, who he pushes casually into the Thames while grabbing one of the papers, and studies it as they walk.

GRIMM REAPER
Interesting…
The Russians are signing this treaty in
three days. The Spanish are to invade…

DOMINUSNOVUS
(beaming)
Chaos! Destruction!

MERRYPRANKSTER
But we can’t get sidetracked.
Let’s find this Hardaeznite.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Trust him to spoil it.
(snorts)

GRIMM REAPER
Who says we can’t enjoy our time he-

All look upward as the Ah.com shuttle shoots drunkenly overhead.

GRIMM REAPER
Here already?
Good.
We’re going to give the
authorities a tipoff…
(grins)

They echo his skull-like grin.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – LONDON FROM SKY – DAY

The bustling city is suddenly interrupted by a massive fountain of water that spurts up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
What the hell was that all about?!

LANDSHARK
(VO; testily)
Look, in OTL there’s a
car park here.
It’s not MY fault if the
bloody Dons built a reservoir instead!

MATT
(VO)
Um…how about over there?

We see the shuttle rise, dripping, and set down on a back street nearby.

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

The six Ah.commers emerge from a back street to a bustling thoroughfare. DOCTOR WHAT is still wearing his ruff as a tutu; LANDSHARK wears a majestic golden court dress; THANDE, MATT and IRONYUPPIE wear their clothes correctly but look ridiculous, while only KIT has the style to pull it off and struts along like Christopher Marlowe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, London!
We should fit right in.

Actually the LONDONERS wear totally different styles of clothing and are pointing and laughing at the Ah.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Time to begin our search for
the Hardaeznite!
(he pulls out a bulky comm box)
Leo! Can you narrow it down?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative, Doctor.
The shuttle’s sensors are
swamped by the emissions.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Very well. We’ll just have
to do this the old-fashioned way.

MATT
So what’s it look like?

DOCTOR WHAT
(vaguely)
A lump of grey stone.

LANDSHARK
(sarcastically)
Great. So we’re looking
for a lump of grey stone in
a city made out of lumps of grey stone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring)
All right then – it’s agreed.
We split up and search.

Sighs.

MATT
Can we enjoy ourselves?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well –
No sleeping with anyone,
no property damage,
no murder-

LANDSHARK
You could have just said ‘no’.

The Ah.commers disperse. DOCTOR WHAT approaches a passer-by.

DOCTOR WHAT
Morning!
Could you tell me if you’ve
seen a lump of grey stone hereabouts?

PASSER-BY hurries away, muttering:

PASSER-BY
El loco maldito Napolitano!

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving)
Fine, whatever…

Two GLOBAL INQUISITORS, ATREIDES and CONDOTTIERO, are pointing at DOCTOR WHAT and muttering.

ATREIDES
Fits the description.

CONDOTTIERO
Get him.

They approach the oblivious DOCTOR WHAT and lay hands on each shoulder. DOCTOR WHAT turns.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, I didn’t see you there…

ATREIDES
Sir, you are searching for grey stone?
We can help you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really?

CONDOTTIERO
Yes. Here’s one.

ATREIDES hits DOCTOR WHAT on the head with a cobblestone. DOCTOR WHAT falls.

CONDOTTIERO
Good work. We’ll take him
back to the Master, and then…

They grin evilly at each other, hoist DOCTOR WHAT on their shoulders and leave. DOMINUSNOVUS’ head emerges from a window and nods.

INT. – CF.NETTERS’ LODGINGS – DAY

We see the window from the other side, and DOMINUSNOVUS’ head retreating. He closes the window as the contents of a chamberpot fall from a higher window.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hey!
That could have gone on my head and
damaged my awe-inspiring looks!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(muttering to himself)
Well, it’d make a change for
shit to go INTO his mouth…

The room is small, with cheap furniture. GRIMM REAPER sits in the best chair. BULGAROKTONOS comes in, wiping his brow with a cloth.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, yes, but any word
on the Hardaeznite?

BULGAROKTONOS
(wincing)
Nothing.

GRIMM REAPER
Hmmph. In that case, go out
and make enquiries.

BULGAROKTONOS exits.

GRIMM REAPER
Still – What is captured, Dominus?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(nodding)
The Inquisition just dragged him in.

GRIMM REAPER
E cellent…
At least we can search without competition.

DOMINUSNOVUS
But the other Ah.commers are still out there…

GRIMM REAPER
Them? Pah! Without What’s leadership
they’ll soon revert to wandering around
searching for booze, porn and random acts
of destruction!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, these are the people Ian Himself
picked for this task! I bet their slapdash
is just a cover, and beneath it they’re
all cool professionals…

Wipe to:

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are walking together, looking bored. LANDSHARK punches a passer-by in the face and IRONYUPPIE kicks one in the groin.

LANDSHARK
It’s not the same…
Surely if we just burned
a few buildings he wouldn’t notice…

IRONYUPPIE
He wouldn’t, but Leo would.
And for all his faults, Bruno does
have a knack for finding the best
lesbian porn.

LANDSHARK
(sudden evil expression)
Yeah…about that…

Suddenly a haywain, pulled by a countryman on a carthorse, pulls out in front of them. As we watch, a hand emerges from the hay and cuts the cart free from the horse.

LANDSHARK
Oi! Stop blocking the road or I’ll make
Ken’s congestion charge retroactive!

The haywain suddenly begins shaking from side to side, while strangled squawks emerge from within. Hay drifts down onto IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, who irritably flick it away.

LANDSHARK
I’m warning you…

LANDSHARK pulls a lever, opening the haywain’s back. Hay falls onto the cobbles, together with two bodies – those of KIT and a scared LONDONER.

KIT
(panting)
Hi!
I think I’ve got a lead.

KIT gestures at the LONDONER.

KIT
This chap Fellatio is in
with the anti-Spanish resistance.
The’ve spies everywhere –
could know where the
Hardaeznite is.

IRONYUPPIE
(sceptically)
He just…told you this?

KIT
(grins)
Not at first, but I can
be very…persuasive.

KIT twists FELLATIO NELSON’s arm.

KIT
Where are you meeting
the resistance leaders?

FELLATIO NELSON
(white faced)
I’d rather die than
betray England!

KIT
Right. One moment, if
you’ll excuse me…

KIT grabs FELLATIO NELSON and dives back into the haywain. More shaking from side to side, flying hay and screaming – LANDSHARK averts his eyes, while IRONYUPPIE looks on in interest. Seconds later:

FELLATIO NELSON
(VO, high pitched)
All right, all right!

KIT emerges again dragging FELLATIO NELSON.

KIT
(coolly)
It’s a certain bonded warehouse.
In Bond Street.

LANDSHARK
Okay. Bring your new friend,
that’s friend in inverted commas.

MATT and THANDE appear.

MATT
Hey! Guys!

THANDE
We just saw Bulgaroktonos asking
questions about the Hardaeznite!

MATT
The Cf.netters are here!

IRONYUPPIE
Good. Time to kick some ass.

MATT
Sure, but we heard the Inquisition
has got Bruno!

LANDSHARK
(yawns)
Okay.

IRONYUPPIE
Huh, three guesses who shopped him.
I suppose we’d better bust him out,
THEN we can kick some ass.

MATT
Back to the shuttle.
We’ll just fly into the prison
and do it the old fashioned way.

EXT. – LONDON ALLEYWAY – DAY

MATT
…or not.

The shuttle is gone.

LANDSHARK
Bollocks! The bloody Cf.netters
told them about the shuttle too!

MATT pulls out a comm box.

MATT
Leo? Can you hear me? Bruno?
Nothing.

KIT
No, but I bet we can find
out where they are.

He twists FELLATIO NELSON’s arm.

KIT
Where were these resistance leaders again?

INT. – GRANDER LODGINGS – DAY

The Cf.netters are lounging around as before, but now they are in a far larger, more palatial room with expensive furniture.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Maybe we should spend this
money on searching for the Hardaeznite
rather than comforts…?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(laughs)
To hear him talk, you’d think he
was one of those goody-two-shoes
Ah.commers. We rightfully looted all this money,
so why not spend it the way we like? One hookers
and more hookers.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(hotly)
Just because-

GRIMM REAPER
(casually, but with iron beneath)
Silence.

BULGAROKTONOS enters.

GRIMM REAPER
Anything on the Hardaeznite?

BULGAROKTONOS
(shrugs)
Some of the locals reported symptoms
indicating it’s somewhere near where they live…
I’m running an analysis. It reminds me of the time when
I was drunk and-

GRIMM REAPER
(dismissively)
Yes, yes.

INT. – WAREHOUSE – DAY

The door creaks open to admit them. The shadowy interior is occupied by chairs with hooded cloaked RESISTANCE MEMBERS in them.

RESISTANCE LEADER
Hail St George!
Hail Elizabeth!
Hail England!

RESISTANCE MEMBERS
(in a chorus)
Death to the Papists!

RESISTANCE LEADER
(turning around to see FELLATIO NELSON)
What are you doing
without your cloak?
Who are these people?

FELLATIO NELSON
(miserably)
They made me do it…

MATT
(brightly)
Hello, we’re visitors from another world.
The Inquisition’s got a friend of ours, and
we want you to help us get him out.

THANDE
And to get some Hardaeznite.

RESISTANCE LEADER
I see. And why should we do that?

MATT
Um…uh…

LANDSHARK
Because if you don’t, we’ll fry
you to a crisp!

LANDSHARK fires a plasma blast into the ceiling; molten metal rains down around the RESISTANCE MEMBERS, who dive for cover. IRONYUPPIE puts a hand on LANDSHARK’s gun and forces it down.

IRONYUPPIE
Or…if you help us…
We’ll give you weapons just like that
to fight the Spaniards with.

Impressed murmurs.

RESISTANCE LEADER
(quietly)
All right.

They lower their hoods. Leader is LJOFA, deputy is JUSTIN PICKARD.

LJOFA
If you will help our resistance
to the evil Papists, of course
we shall help you.

THANDE
(punching one hand into another)
Good to see patriotic Englishman
refusing to lie down for the occupiers!

LJOFA
Um…well…actually…
(points at JUSTIN PICKARD and FELLATIO NELSON)
They’re just in because the Inquisition
wants them for unnatural sexual acts…

KIT
(eyes light up)
Unnatural you say?

KIT walks up to JUSTIN PICKARD and begins muttering in his ear, while FELLATIO NELSON urgently mutters in his other to try and dissuade him.

MATT
And you?

LJOFA
Well, I’m mostly in because…
I’m just contrary.

THANDE
(crestfallen)
Oh.

IRONYUPPIE
(briskly)
Their motivations don’t matter.
We’ll get Bruno out, get this
Hardaeznite, give ’em their rifles
and push off back to porn-cruising.

LANDSHARK
Yeah…about that…
(lowers voice, leans in)
You know we don’t have spare
weapons to give them!

IRONYUPPIE
WE don’t, no.
But have you ever known the Cf.netters
to fly around without a crate of plasma
rifles to flog to the natives?
And I was planning to kick their asses
anyway, so…

LANDSHARK
Ah…

LJOFA, JUSTIN PICKARD, FELLATIO NELSON and the other RESISTANCE MEMBERS wave swords and muskets.

LJOFA
For England!

RESISTANCE MEMBERS
Death to the Papists!

They all pour out of the doors, followed by the Ah.commers.

INT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT awakes to find he is strapped into a dentist’s-chair type arrangement, with a variety of red hot sharp things nearby. ATREIDES and CONDOTTIERO watch him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa…
Flashback time…

ATREIDES
He’s awake. Get the master.

CONDOTTIERO leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…you hit me on the head!

ATREIDES
Correct, heretic.
Now be prepared to talk.
And the master always gets results…

CONDOTTIERO
Presenting Don Torqumada y Norteamerica!

A figure enters. He looks just like our TORQUMADA, but with an evil moustache and goatee, and is wearing a red uniform.

DOCTOR WHAT
You look familiar.
I thought no-one expected
the Spanish Inquisition?

DON TORQUMADA
Hmm, haven’t heard that one.

DOCTOR WHAT
You must be the only one in
the multiverse who hasn’t.

DON TORQUMADA
Silence, heretic!
Now you will answer to me…

He significantly picks up a knife.

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

The RESISTANCE MEMBERS and Ah.commers overwhelm the few guards and storm the building.

INT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

As before. We focus on DOCTOR WHAT’s expression, which is placid.

DOCTOR WHAT
I say, that’s rather nice.
Could you do it a bit more to the left, though?

Pull back to reveal an incensed DON TORQUMADA holding a bloodstained whip.

DON TORQUMADA
That’s not supposed to be how it goes!

The door bursts open and FELLATIO NELSON and JUSTIN PICKARD dash in.

DON TORQUMADA
Heretics!
Get them!

CONDOTTIERO grabs something hot and sharp and lunges at JUSTIN PICKARD, who dodges the blow and fires his musket. CONDOTTIERO falls, his chest oozing blood. Meanwhile, FELLATIO NELSON draws a sword and begins fighting ATREIDES. ATREIDES contemptuously swipes FELLATIO NELSON’s sword from his hands, knocks him to the floor and is about to stab him, when KIT appears holding MATT’s BFG and stands over FELLATIO NELSON.

KIT
He’s mine!

KIT fires the BFG and ATREIDES is vaporised. The recoil knocks KIT backwards and he lands on top of FELLATIO NELSON with some force.

FELLATIO NELSON
(musingly)
Well, that’s different…

DON TORQUMADA grabs a hot knife and gestures at DOCTOR WHAT.

DON TORQUMADA
Well, at least I’ll have the satisfaction
of sending your damned soul to hell, her-
Uurrgghhh…

He topples, an Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death stuck in his back.

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t do it, kids:
Evil posturing can be bad for your health.

DOCTOR WHAT
Erikka! Kit!
Get me out of here and we’ll-

We hear a crash and MATT runs in.

MATT
They’ve got reinforcements!
Thande’s holding them off with poison gas,
but they’re going to be here soon!

IRONYUPPIE
Out of the window.

THANDE and LANDSHARK run in, they free DOCTOR WHAT, and all of them squeeze through the tiny window.

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

The Ah.commers fall from the window onto an apparently solid patch of ground, which suddenly gives way and they fall screaming into the bowels of London.

INT. – BOWELS OF LONDON – DAY

The Ah.commers land in a pile atop one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think I’ve broken my wishbone.

THANDE
Hey…

They get up and stare: there’s a giant symbol carved into the wall – a circle with a horizontal line through with the words MORNINGTON CRESCENT.

LANDSHARK
Mornington Crescent?
The Hallowed Place!

KIT
Which means…

Below the giant symbol is a large lump of grey stone. A large lump of grey stone with a big sword embedded in it…

MATT
(disbelieving)
The Sword in the Stone?!

DOCTOR WHAT runs a scanner over the stone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not just any stone.
This is the Hardaeznite.

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Thank you, that’s all we
needed to know.

Suddenly the Cf.netters GRIMM REAPER, BULGAROKTONOS and DOMINUSNOVUS. All hold guns.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like your analysis
was right, Bulgar.
Now to take it from
these chumps.

DOCTOR WHAT
You think you can beat us?

GRIMM REAPER
Ah, Bruno…I know I can.
Merry has our shuttle
hovering outside, while yours
is still impounded by the Spaniards.

DOCTOR WHAT
True…

LANDSHARK
But we’ll still take some of you down.

GRIMM REAPER
(clapping his hands)
I fear not.

BULGAROKTONOS and DOMINUSNOVUS fire their guns, and huge goops of glue hit the Ah.commers, sticking them to the walls.

GRIMM REAPER
Am I going soft?
Hardly – the Inquisition
will find you, and the tortures
they can devise, well…
Dominus, tug that toy out of that
Hardaeznite and we’re out of here.

DOMINUSNOVUS nods and pulls out the sword.

Then the sword glows, and behind him the Mornington Crescent seal begins creaking outward on a hinge: it’s a gateway.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wha-

THANDE
You do realise this means you’re
the rightful King of England?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(shocked)
Never!

The seal finishes opening and, from the brilliantly illuminated interior, the silhouette of af figure on a horse emerges, taking the sword from a gaping DOMINUSNOVUS. The figure waves it vaguely at the Ah.commers – their gooey bonds spring apart.

FIGURE
(booming voice)
It is I, Arthur Pendragon, Once and Future King of
all the Britons! Here to free my land from the invaders!

KIT
(shading his eyes)
You’re not King Arthur, you’re
that Welsh Imperialist, Pax Britannia.

Light fades to reveal it is.

PAX BRITANNIA
Well, okay, but the real King
Arthur was too busy.
Now! Let’s free Britain!

His horse rises on its back legs and flies into the air, upward…

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

Cf.net shuttle’s hovering overhead, but PAX BRITANNIA’s horse hurtles THROUGH it, blowing it to pieces. Plasma rifles rain down on the RESISTANCE MEMBERS, who use them to massacre the Spanish troops.

We follow a montage around the world a la Return of the Jedi, with PAX BRITANNIA flying overhead in the background cheering on the anti-Spanish forces:

EXT. – POLAND – DAY

MIDGARDMETAL leads a horde of Russian troops into Poland. Beside him rides OTIS TARDA, while before them is an ATL MOLOBO, glaring at OTIS TARDA.

MOLOBO
You can’t do this!
You’re betraying Catholic Poland!
They’ll only replace the Inquisition
with the Okhrana anyway!

MIDGARDMETAL shoots MOLOBO.

OTIS TARDA
(with some misgivings)
You’re not going to, are you?

MIDGARDMETAL
(smiling insincerely)
Of course not.

EXT. – DENMARK – DAY

Swedish Marines led by MATTEP74 land in Zealand, joining Resistance members led by STEFFEN REDBEARD.

EXT. – MARSEILLES – DAY

French troops led by FHAESSIG reconquer the stolen territory, while the populace cheers.

EXT. – BARCELONA – SPAIN – DAY

A fully completed Sagrada Familia looms over the city, with anti-government mobs fighting in the streets below. A figure runs out onto a balcony near the top of the Sagrada Familia and stares down at the chaos. This is the Spanish Most Catholic King-Emperor, KADYET.

KADYET
All is lost! All is lost!
All – aaarrgh!

Two MOB MEMBERS come up behind him and tip him over the balcony.

MOB MEMBERS
(high-fiving)
Defenestrated or what?!

Finally return to:

INT. – BOWELS OF LONDON – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s ours!
Now to find the shuttle and get out of here!

The Ah.commers grab the Hardaeznite and hurry away, leaving behind the gaping Cf.netters. A battered MERRYPRANKSTER enters.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Shuttle gone…urrgkh…

He faints.

GRIMM REAPER
(clapping his hands)
Well, it’s a long walk back. Or I could just sell you all into
slavery and use the money to build a transmitter to contact Ward.

Sighs all around

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – NIGHT

The Ah.commers from the mission stand around the lump of Hardaeznite, sans sword, which stands in the middle of the bay.

MATT
Well, we freed that world anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at it avariciously)
And we have our Hardaeznite.

THANDE
And the next time we swing past
the Hub, we can give it to Ian!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Of course…

TORQUMADA enters.

TORQUMADA
There you are! Time for your
weekly shots…

DOCTOR WHAT screams and runs.

TORQUMADA
Was it something I said?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS