TEASER

EXT.-SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see the shuttle ‘Baron Munchausen’ flying through Earth’s atmosphere over a terrain made up mostly of ice and snow.

INT.- SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see LANDSHARK and MATT at the controls. Sitting behind them are DOCTOR WHAT, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, and DIAMOND. We notice that the back of the shuttle is crammed with various boxes—all of them (except one) marked ‘Porn’ or ‘Booze’. The last one is marked ‘Shoes’.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Well THAT was certainly a great stopover!

DIAMOND
(drinking a beer)
I agree! Only you can possibly find Asian lesbian
nurse orgy femdom musical porn, Doc!

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
It’s a gift.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Thanks.

WEAPON M
(drinking a beer)
Going to miss that uber-capitalistic Union of Soviet
Eastern States and libertarian China-Japan Hegemony though.

MATT
And what about that redlight district in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia!

All of the ah.commers (including IRONYUPPIE) give a loud wistful contented sigh.

DIAMOND
Hey Landshark—how long until
we get back to the ship?

LANDSHARK
(sipping a tea)
With this shortcut over the north pole we’re taking,
we should be there in just a few minutes.

Klaxons suddenly start going off.

LANDSHARK
What the hell–?!

MATT
Controls aren’t responding!

LANDSHARK
Engines are offline! We’ve got some kind
of force pulling us in! We can’t break free!
Hang on everyone!

MATT
Ah, fuck. I don’t wanna die.

DIAMOND
Hell, I don’t mind dying, it’s dying along side Landshark that sucks.

They both nod.

EXT.-SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see the shuttle fly nearly straight down. The clouds drift apart and we see that the shuttle is flying straight towards a large hole (several hundred feet across) in the surface of the ice. We see snow and mist swirling into the hole.

The shuttle flies into the hole at high speed.

EXT.-TUNNEL –DAY

We see the shuttle fly down the tunnel for a minute or so. We notice a bright white light at the end of the tunnel up ahead of the shuttle.

EXT.-JUNGLE-DAY

We see a very lush and brightly lit jungle. There is a large hole in the ground. We see the shuttle fly out of the hole at high speed.

It continues for several thousand feet up into the air until the momentum runs out. It hangs in the air for just a few seconds—then falls downwards.

We see the shuttle plow a long trench through the jungle, spraying dirt and shredded plants in every direction. After a few seconds it comes to a rest.

EXT.-SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see a close-up of the shuttle. It is heavily damaged but still more or less intact. The door opens up a few seconds later and we see the ah.commers come out. Several of them are carrying BFGs.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the fuck happened?

DIAMOND
(holding hand to head)
You call that a landing, Sharky?

LANDSHARK
Hey—you’re still in one piece aren’t you?
(sticks hand down trousers)
Yep still not there.
(turns to examine shuttle)

We see the rest of the ah.commers staring open-jawed at something off-screen.

LANDSHARK
(muttering to himself)
No major structural damage…engine seems okay…
might be a burnt out converter…should be pretty easy
to make some kind of temporary repair job that will
hold together until we get back…going to need some help here, people.
(looks around and notices the ah.commers just standing around staring)
Oy! Going to need some help here!

DOCTOR WHAT shakily points a finger

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh–Sharky—I think we have other
things to worry about now…

LANDSHARK turns around and looks at what everyone is staring at.

We see the jungle stretch away from the ah.commers—-and upwards. The horizon –instead of curving downwards—actually curves upwards. It continues upwards and actually appears to continue to meet thousands of miles above their heads. High overhead—roughly in the center—is a small bright sun.

One gets the distinct impression of being on the inner surface of an immense hollow ball.

LANDSHARK
This Earth…is hollow?!

MATT
They really should include that in the brochures…

DOCTOR WHAT
(in near total shock)
This…is…is… is insane! Only one
thing can make this even more insane!

DIAMOND
What’s that?

We hear loud roaring sounds coming from a stand of trees. We see a T-Rex dinosaur (about 15 feet high or so) come out of it. It has a complicated looking metal head-dress device on its head. Two large cannons (one on either side of its head) can be seen. Riding on the back in a bizarrely shaped saddle is a Nazi soldier. This is NATIONAL SOCIALIST.

NATIONAL SOCIALIST
ACHTUNG!

We see several more T-Rexes—all carrying Nazis—appear behind the first one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—that would be it….

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DINOS & NAZIS & DEROS, OH MY!”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT – JUNGLE – DAY

We see the Dino Riding Nazis come closer. NATIONAL SOCIALIST opens fire with the laser cannons at the ah.commers.

The laser blasts destroy a tree directly behind the ah.commers. They duck and roll for cover.

MATT is the first to get up, a BFG in his arms.

MATT
Eat this!

A blast hits the lead dinosaur in the chest. It gets stunned for a second or two, then recovers and, with a loud roar, charges at the ah.commers.

MATT
You gotta be kidding me!
(fires again)

This time several blasts hit the lead dino. It collapses to the ground dead, knocking NATIONAL SOCIALIST off of it and on the ground as well. The other dinos spread out to either side of the ah.commers and start blasting with their laser cannons.

DIAMOND knocks MATT to the ground as the entire area around is raked with laser blasts, spraying dirt, debris and plants in every direction. The Nazi Dinos fire for several more seconds and then stop.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST gets up and pulls out his gun (a 9 mm Luger) .

NATIONAL SOCIALIST
(heavy german accent)
Zurrender now! Ve have you completely
zurrounded! There iz no hope for ezcape!

Silence for a few seconds.

NATIONAL SOCIALIST
Er…hello?

He turns to look at the other Nazis. The other Nazis just shrug their shoulders.

The ah.commers suddenly leap out of the undergrowth with BFGs blazing. NATIONAL SOCIALIST manages to duck down at the last second while two more of the dinosaurs get hit and collapse, knocking their riders sprawling to the ground. The last dino still standing turns and runs away while the three Nazis that were sprawled on the ground frantically crawl back into the stand of trees and disappear.

A few seconds later the dust and smoke from all the gunfire slowly fades away. We see the ah.commers still standing up.

WEAPON M
Right. Nazis.

LANDSHARK
I fucking HATE Nazis.

MATT
Nazis! On Dinos! With friggin lasers!

DIAMOND
Sounds like the plot from a bad science fiction
TV show about weird alternate worlds.

IRONYUPPIE
Oh please—nobody would be interested in something
that dumb—it will never be popular.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ooooo-kay. That attack was weird even
for us. What more can possibly happen?

We hear loud shrieks from above. We see several brown pterodactyls come flying down from the sky. We see that there are green reptilian-like humanoids riding on their backs. They are carrying WW2 submachine guns.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really got to stop saying stuff like that.

All the ah.commers hit the ground and duck for cover behind trees again as the reptile-men open fire with their guns, spewing more dirt and shredded plants in every direction. The reptile-men start circling around the area where the ah.commers are hiding. We notice another pterodactyl show up. This one is a bit bigger and is colored black instead of brown. Riding on its back is a man in a red robe. He appears to be in his 40’s, is clean shaven and has hair that is closely cropped. He hovers over the area, a short distance from the reptile-men. He’s watching the entire area very intently and seems to be focusing his attention on the ah.commers’ shuttle.

We suddenly hear shrieks again—this time from a different direction and different from the pterodactyl’s shrieks. The mysterious robed man and the reptile-men look up. So do the ah.commers.

We see a flock of giant golden eagles flying in. Riding on them are men in barbarian like clothing (skins, furs, etc) carrying bows and arrows. In the lead, riding a slightly bigger eagle, is a bearded man in his late 50’s. He appears to be wearing nothing more than a loincloth and both his beard and hair is pure white. He’s carrying in one hand a very large and old-fashioned .45 caliber revolver—which he fires several times in quick succession. The men with him fire a few volleys from their bows.

The lead reptile man gets three shots into his chest and falls off his pterodactyl, crashing into the ground below. Two more reptile men and one pterodactyl get hit by arrows and fall to the ground dead as well. The other reptile men quickly turn and fly away. The bearded barbarian flies towards the robed man and raises his gun.

The robed man pulls something from his pocket and throws it into the air.

It’s a grenade and it detonates in mid-air with a devastating explosion, stunning the barbarian man’s eagle for a few seconds and creating a large cloud of smoke. In the confusion, we see the robed man fly away.

Two or three of the eagle-riders fly after the pterodactyls for a few seconds but are called back with a shout from the bearded barbarian. The bearded barbarian lands his eagle near the ah.commers.

BEARDED BARBARIAN
Those bastards won’t be scared off for long.
They’ll be back with a much bigger force next
time. If you guys want to live, you better grab
all your gear and come with us.

MATT
(sotto voice)
Doc—can we trust them?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voice)
Do we have a choice?

MATT
(sotto voice)
Can’t we get the ship to teleport us out?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voice)
Already tried contacting the ship. Can’t reach them.
Either we’re too deep underground or there’s something
messing up our comms. Either way—we’re on our
own. We have no choice but to go with them.

MATT
(sotto voice)
Better than Nazis, I guess.

The ah.commers run back into the shuttle and grab some stuff and then rush out and leap onto the backs of the eagles. A few seconds later they fly off.

EXT-FORT-DAY

We see a large fort-like structure that has been built flush against a large mountain. Part of the structure is made from worked stone and looks quite old and has a vague monastery-like appearance to it. Directly in front of it—obviously done more recently and in a haphazard and hurried manner—is a large wooden fort and palisade wall. We see thousands of people—men, women and even children—milling around in and out of the fort. Many are training with weapons (mostly swords or bows)

The giant eagles—with the ah.commers on their backs–land in the middle of the courtyard. They leap off and the bearded barbarian leads them into a nearby tent.

INT. – LARGE TENT-DAY

We see that the tent has several other people in it. The bearded barbarian leads the ah.commers into the tent.

BEARDED BARBARIAN
I guess introductions are in order.
Let me introduce ourselves.
(points to a heavy-set bearded middle-aged man)
This is John Cleves Symmes the Fifth
(points to a young woman)
This is Anna Gordon Pym
(points to an old bearded man)
This is Hans Lindenbrock
(points to another old bearded man—this one wearing a WW2 era U.S. Admiral uniform)
And this is Richard E. Byrd Junior.
(stands with arms at his hips)
And I am John Clayton. Also known as Lord Greystroke.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…our turn.
(starts pointing to each of the ah.commers as he states their name)
This is IronYuppie and Diamond and MATT and
Weapon M and Landshark. I’m DOCTOR WHAT.
(beat)
Those names—I recognize some of them.

LORD GREYSTROKE
They should. Like you, each one of our ancestors—through
various means—have all ended up here in the Hollow Earth.
Symmes’ great great great grandfather, for example, led an
expedition into one of the Northern Holes while Pym’s distant
ancestor had the unfortunate luck to be on a whaling ship near
the south pole when his ship got pulled into here. Lindenbrock’s
grandfather was just a kid who ended up here with his uncle while
exploring a volcano in Iceland while Byrd’s father was an admiral
whose plane crashed here while exploring Antarctica shortly after
WW2. My grandfather came across this place by accident. He
managed to find a way back to the surface world but came back
here with his kid—my father—and made a new life here.
(beat)
He always liked the jungle anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are there ways back to the surface?

LORD GREYSTROKE
Of course! Multiple routes in fact! Most are very dangerous and
all of them are long and arduous but it can be done. We’ve stayed here because—well—this is our home now.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about those Nazis? What’s the deal with that?

LORD GREYSTROKE
(deep sigh)
Yeah—those guys.
(beat)
Remember that red robed dude on the black pterodactyl?
That’s Demos. He used to be a small time warlord. He’ll
shake down a few villages here, a small kingdom there. He
and his Dero army were more of an annoyance than anything
else. That is until about a year ago. Suddenly they’ve got
machine guns and grenades and they’re getting back up help
from those Nazis. Every mercenary, thug and wannabe dictator
has been signing up onto his army since then. And more and
more of those Nazi soldiers have been showing up at every battle.
(beat)
The two major kingdoms of Shonshe and Shingwa have already
fallen. A lot of the refugees from those kingdoms are outside.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where the hell did those Nazis come from?

LORD GREYSTROKE
Shortly after the end of World War Two, a ship left Germany.
On that ship was a small army of the Reich’s most loyal soldiers
and scientists, as well as a few members of the high command,
including Himmler and even Hitler himself, according to the
rumours. They made their way to the South Pole and ended up
here. For the last 60 years or so, they have quietly been building
up an army. Now—they’re finally on the move. They are massing
for an attack on the Temple of Shamballa that you saw outside.

RICHARD BYRD JR.
And if they succeed—all of
Hollow Earth will surely fall!

DOCTOR WHAT
Why’s that? What’s so special about the temple?

Lord Greystroke and his companions exchange a glance.

LORD GREYSTROKE
(to BYRD)
They should be told—it’s not like they won’t
be able to find out on their own.

ANNA PYM
(to GREYSTROKE)
I agree—and they can be an asset to our forces.

HANS LINDENBROCK
(to GREYSTROKE)
They are but only six. What
can six people possibly do?

LORD GREYSTROKE
(to LINDENBROCK)
(smiling)
We five have managed to
accomplish quite a bit, haven’t we?

HANS LINDERBROCK
(nodding head)
Ja. You have a point.

Lord Greystroke turns to face the ah.commers.

LORD GREYSTROKE
Come with me—there’s something you have to see.

GREYSTROKE heads off, the AH.commers look about, shrug, and follow.

DIAMOND
(sotto voice)
Hopefully this doesn’t turn out like that last time in the Pub.

MATT
(sotto voice)
Dude, I told you I saw an Adam’s Apple.

INT.- TENT-DAY

We see NATIONAL SOCIALIST walk into a tent. He’s clearly nervous. He walks up to a figure who has his back to us and kneels before him.

NATIONAL SOCIALIST
Sir. I apologize for ze failed attack earlier.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(when he speaks there’s a odd electronic harmonic to it)
It was a simple mission and you allowed the
newcomers to be rescued by that Greystroke fool.

NATIONAL SOCIALIST
It waz not my fault! They had powerful
weapons that caught us off guard-

TIGHT ON—Gloved hand pulling out a sword out of its scabbard. It swings and—

We hear a brief scream.

ANOTHER VOICE
Interesting managerial technique you have there.
Gives a whole new meaning to head hunting, huh?

TIGHT ON-gloved hand putting bloodstained sword back into scabbard.

Camera slowly moves up the figure. We notice several odd things about the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE. Several parts of his body seem to be made from metal- his left leg, the entire right side of his torso (including his right arm) , the left side of his head and his entire jaw and neck. He’s wearing a WW2 style Nazi uniform.

This is the CYBORG HIMMLER.

CYBORG HIMMLER
You have your style and I have my style, Demos.
What have you to report?

DEMOS
My troops examined the wreckage of that ship the newcomers
came in. Sadly, they seemed to have stripped the ship of most
of its weapons. All we were able to acquire was its cargo, which
we turned over to your troops.

CYBORG HIMMLER
Yes—the alcohol will be an excellent morale booster to our
forces once we succeed with our plans. However we had to
destroy all the porn we found.
(shudders)
They are some truly disturbed individuals on that ship.
(beat)
How goes the preparations for battle?

DEMOS
Preparations are going well. I shall have
my army in position within a few hours.

CYBORG HIMMLER
Excellent! Today—the Temple of Shamballa.
The day after tomorrow—the world!

DEMOS
Do we have to do the maniacal laugh?
It hurts my throat when I do.

CYBORG HIMMLER
Humour me.

DEMOS
(sighing)
Fine.

CYBORG HIMMLER/DEMOS
(together)
Muah ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!
(coughing)

INT.- DEEP UNDERGROUND CHAMBER-DAY

We see a large chamber. On one side are two very large ornate doors. Off to one side, we see a small corridor lead off into darkness.

There are several torches burning in holders on several spots on the walls. Standing next to the ornate double doors are two men in monk-like robes.

LORD GREYSTROKE and the ah.commers come into the room. LORD GREYSTROKE motions the two monks to open the doors.

They swing the doors open and the ah.commers are bathed in a bright white light.

LORD GREYSTROKE
Behold—the Shakti Stone!

We see that the stone is a large white crystal about the size of a human being. It is resting in a metal holder in a small chamber just big enough to hold the Stone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at the stone with a shocked look on his face)
That stone…it must hold…it must harness…

LORD GREYSTROKE
…massive amounts of energy, yes. According to the
monks, the Stone can heal. Or destroy. It can even
give you visions of the future.
(beat)
Depending on the actions and
minds of those who possess it.

He motions to the monks again. Slowly, they close the doors again. The room is no longer bathed in light.

LORD GREYSTROKE
You’re beginning to understand why they’ll be interested
in this. If they capture this Stone, who knows how much
more damage they can accomplish? That’s why we’re
drawing the line here. Now.

DIAMOND
Can’t you move the Stone?
Someplace else? Someplace safe?

LORD GREYSTROKE
(sighing)
Unfortunately this Temple is probably the safest
place we have. If it comes to it, however,
I’ll destroy it myself.

MATT
How?

LORD GREYSTROKE
(motions in direction of the small side corridor)
That tunnel leads to a lava river.
I’ll drag it down myself if I have to.
(beat)
So? Will you people be able
to stay here and help us out?

WEAPON M
A chance to save the world AND
kick some Nazi-ass? I’m in.

MATT
Me too.

DIAMOND
Me three.

LANDSHARK
No way I can have you
bloody colonials hog all the glory!

DOCTOR WHAT
You people realize that we’re up against not one but TWO armies?
One that has dinosaurs with friggin lasers on their heads and the other
that is made up out of every thug and merc in this entire world? And
that we have nothing on our side except a few thousand civilian refugees
and a few descendants of famous surface world people? This will be
the most futile, insane, ridiculous, idiotic
and stupid gesture in the history of humanity.

IRONYUPPIE
And we’re just the people to do it!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Let’s do it.

Ah.commers all high-five one another.

AH.COMMERS
(together)
LET’S DO IT!

They all rush out

WEAPON M
(running)
Damn we need some dramatic music right now.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn stright.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Hold on…
(digs in pocket)
I got my MP3 player.
(hits on button)

Music from Cher’s “Believe” begins playing.

The AH.commers stop and glance at one another, then they shrug and continue onward.

EXT.-FORT-DAY

We see the ah.commers milling around, looking at the troops practicing weapon training and so forth. LORD GREYSTROKE and WEAPON M are standing next to each other.

LORD GREYSTROKE
Pity you people weren’t able to bring more weapons with you.
We managed to scavenge some guns from various skirmishes
we’ve had with those Nazis and Deros but most of the people
here will still be using swords or bows and arrows.

WEAPON M glances at LORD GREYSTROKE for a second and then reaches into a hip holster and pulls out a .38 caliber gun. He drops it to the ground. He reaches into a shoulder holster and pulls out a .357 magnum and drops it to the ground as well. He reaches around to the back of his waistband and pulls out two more handguns- .38 and a .45 caliber – and drops them. He reaches into his right boot and pulls out a sawed off shotgun. It joins its companions on the ground. He bends over slightly and pulls out another handgun with an absurdly long barrel from its place in the back of his neck. He drops it as well. WEAPON M stands there for a second—seemingly in deep thought—then reaches into his left pant leg and pulls out a .308 rifle and puts it on the ground as well.

LORD GREYSTROKE
(sarcastic voice)
Is that all?

WEAPON M blushes slightly, looks furtively around and bends down and pulls something from his left boot. He shows it to LORD GREYSTROKE. It’s a tiny silver handgun—barely 4 inches long. WEAPON M’s index finger can barely fit onto the trigger.

WEAPON M
(blushing)
It was a birthday present from my kids…

LORD GREYSTROKE
You wouldn’t have ammo for all this?

WEAPON M
Actually I do—here, let me check…
(starts pulling out boxes of different types of ammo from various pockets)

MONTAGE

MATT, WEAPON M, LORD GREYSTROKE and RICHARD BYRD looking over maps of the fort and the general area and making marks and notes on them.

The ah.commers all being given various swords, which they then strap to their belts.

WEAPON M and MATT teaching some civilians how to use various guns.

The ah.commers getting some pointers in fighting with the swords.

Various civilians shoring up various defenses around the fort. They’re being helped by the ah.commers and/or the ‘Surface World Five’

IRONYUPPIE looking over several weapons and after much thought, picking up a very large whip. She swings it around for a few seconds testing it (almost hitting DOCTOR WHAT in the process) . With an evil grin on her face, she storms off.

LANDSHARK sitting crosslegged in deep meditation. Lined up in front of him are a wide assortment of various shoes.

MATT and DIAMOND sharing a cigarette.

DOCTOR WHAT standing in front of a homemade still and filling various bottles with a clear liquid. He passes the bottles to several young children, who stick rags into them and carry them away.

LORD GREYSTROKE walking and surveying a group of soldiers.

IRONYUPPIE practicing her whip attacks in an empty building. She does a double take and notices hanging on a wall are what looks like a chain-mail tank top and shorts. She looks at them for a moment—then grins.

The ah.commers carrying large rocks and putting them into various catapults.

MATT and IRON YUPPIE both involved in a furious competition of hopscotch with the others cheering them on.

A lookout with a pair of binoculars shouts and points to something.

EXT.-FORT-DAY

We see the ah.commers and numerous armed civilians standing on a catwalk near the top of the fort wall. All of them have grim looks on the faces.

The camera spins around and shows us what they are seeing.

We see, spread out in front of us, a vast army. We can see dinosaurs and Deros and Nazis and numerous other creatures and soldiers. The bulk of the army is standing about half a mile away or so (out of range of most weapons) but even this far away, the army stretches nearly from one end of the horizon to the other.

We suddenly see a small metal figure slowly walk towards the fort.

It’s about 3 feet high or so and appears to be roughly human-shaped—but with an overly large head that appears to be just one giant glass ball. Slowly it walks towards the fort.

It comes to a stop a few yards away from the fort wall. The ball crackles with static and a video image appears.

It’s HITLER.

ROBOT HERALD
(speaking with Hitler’s voice)
Fools! You have no chance of success! You inferior
weaklings cannot withstand the full might of my
superior army! You will die an inglorious and painful
death! However—I can be merciful. If you surrender
now, your life as a slave to the Fourth Reich will be a
relatively peaceful existence. Only the stupid and
feebleminded and old and weak among you will face
execution. What say you to my demands?

The people along the wall exchange glances with one another.

Eighteen arrows, four rocks, three spears, two small axes and one small (but very tastefully made and sensible looking) shoe hit the ROBOT HERALD. It explodes in a shower of sparks and falls over.

DOCTOR WHAT
Nice shot there. Was that an oxford?

LANDSHARK
Oxford?! You ignorant barbarian oaf—that was a balmoral!
(beat)
Bloody colonial….

The combined Nazi/Dero armies come charging towards the fort.

LANDSHARK
(grumbling)
At least you didn’t say clogs….

END ACT I

ACT II

We see a massive army of the Deros (reptile-men) charging in front of the advancing army. Most are armed with swords. Behind the Deros, we see thousands of barbarian-like soldiers armed with swords and clubs and axes. Behind these mercenaries, we see at least a hundred Nazi T-Rexes with laser cannons as well as several thousand Nazi infantry armed with machine guns. Above the entire army, flying in at high speed, are dozens of pterodactyls being ridden by Dero troops—all armed with machine guns.

The fort defenders let loose with a massive barrage of arrows and catapult-thrown stones. The ah.commers open fire with their BFGs while those few defenders armed with rifles shoot as well.

Hundreds of the attackers are killed and wounded in the first barrage –but they keep coming.

At least a dozen pterodactyls and twice that many Dero riders are killed in the first barrage as well—but many get through and strafe the fort with weapon fire –killing or wounding dozens of the defenders. They fly off and slowly begin to come around for another pass.

A second barrage of arrows, stones, BFGs and gunfire cuts down several hundred more of the attackers—but they keep coming.

And now they are closer to the fort.

The pterodactyl riding Deros come around for a second pass.

A third barrage of weapons fire from the fort defenders cuts down even more of the attackers than before. Several more of the pterodactyls and riders are killed as well and one or two of the pterodactyls fall stunned to the ground inside the fort. Many more, however, survive and strafe the fort again. They fly off and slowly circle around for a third pass.

The laser cannon armed T-Rexes open fire on the fort….

EXT- FORT-DAY

One large section of the wooden walls explodes inwards, scattering debris in every direction. Hundreds of Nazi and Dero and mercenary troops pour in.

A few seconds later one of the T-Rexes comes into the fort. The Nazi riding it looks around for a second, then moves into the courtyard strafing buildings and defenders alike with his cannons. Behind him, on a catwalk, we see WEAPON M running towards the dinosaur. He leaps off the catwalk and lands on the dinosaur’s back—much to the surprise of the Nazi there. WEAPON M grabs the Nazi’s head and bashes him into the dino’s back several times, then kicks the bloodied Nazi off the dinosaur. He grabs a hold of the harness of the dino and turns it around. He charges towards the oncoming attackers, firing his laser cannons at them.

WEAPON M
EEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAA!!!

He plows right into the advancing line…

EXT-DIFFERENT PART OF THE FORT-DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and ANNA PYM on another part of the wall, blasting away with their guns, ANNA PYM looks up to see WEAPON M on his dinosaur.

WEAPON M is using his left hand to fire the laser cannons at Nazis, Dinos and Deros alike. In his right hand is a large handgun that he is firing at yet more enemy soldiers. The dinosaur itself is chomping on or two unfortunate enemy soldiers who had the misfortune to come too close to it. Even from several hundred feet away we can hear WEAPON M screaming.

WEAPON M
WOO HOO!
DINOSAURS FUCKING RULE!!

ANNA PYM stares at this spectacle for several seconds and then turns to DOCTOR WHAT.

ANNA PYM
Your friend—he IS sane, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you kidding? He’s a postal
employee AND a militiaman!
(beat)
He’s PERFECTLY sane!

We see WEAPON M get his dinosaur to stomp—repeatedly—on a Nazi in a SS uniform….

EXT-ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART OF THE FORT-DAY

We see a group of about a dozen Deros led by a Nazi run by. They stop and take cover along the wall of a building.

The camera slowly pans up to the roof of the building, where we see a large group of children, ranging in ages roughly from 6 to 10. They are being led by a young girl of about 15 years old or so. All of the children are armed with homemade Molotov cocktails and rocks. The young girl peeks over the side of the building and slowly raises her hand and holds it in the air for a second or two—then suddenly drops it. The children stand up and rush to the edge of the building and drop their weapons onto the unsuspecting soldiers below…

EXT.- ANOTHER PART OF THE FORT-DAY

We see a mercenary soldier in a sword fight with a teenage girl. He throws her to the ground and is about to plunge his sword into her.

TIGHT—Merc’s eyes suddenly widen.

BANG!

The merc soldier falls face down onto the ground.

We see that the teenage girl has the small silver gun that WEAPON M had received as a present. She pokes her head around a corner to see 3 more mercs standing about 20 feet away from her. She opens fire on them with her gun…

EXT.-DIFFERENT PART OF THE FORT-DAY

We see four Nazi soldiers. One of the Nazi soldiers has caught a small boy (about six years old or so) . The Nazi has a fresh and nasty looking knife wound on his face. He looks really pissed and is holding a knife to the throat of the small boy while the other Nazis smile and laugh. The wounded Nazi is just about to plunge the knife into the boy’s neck when we hear…

FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
HUZZAH!!

CLOSE-UP—a hammer flying through the air.

The hammer smacks into the head of the Nazi holding the knife and he keels over backwards. The boy runs away before anyone can react. The remaining three Nazis look up to see…

…IRONYUPPIE charging at them. She’s wearing the chain mail tank top and shorts and thigh-high red leather boots. She has a sword in her left hand and a whip in her right hand. On DOCTOR WHAT’s MP3 player, Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ is playing.

IRONYUPPIE
(humming along)
…Dum dum de dum dum …

IRONYUPPIE slashes at one Nazi with her sword. Her whip wraps around the neck of another Nazi and she yanks him to the ground.

IRONYUPPIE
…da da da DAH dum….

The last remaining Nazi overcomes his shock and pulls out his gun but before he can shoot, IRONYUPPIE kicks him in the groin. The Nazi falls to his knees, tears in his eyes. He looks up just in time to see IRONYUPPIE’s foot come at his face at high speed.

THUD!

IRONYUPPIE
..dum dum da da DAH dum…

IRONYUPPIE storms off, still humming….

EXT.-SKY-DAY

We slowly pan to see an expanse of sky. We see a pterodactyl riding Dero flying towards us at high speed. Suddenly a shoe smacks him on the head and he falls off the pterodactyl, plunging a thousand feet to the ground. We see another pterodactyl come into view. Riding on it are DIAMOND and LANDSHARK. DIAMOND is piloting the pterodactyl.

DIAMOND
Good shot there, Sharky!

LANDSHARK
Of course it was a good shot!
I’m a fucking Shoe God!

We hear shrieks from offscreen.

DIAMOND
Three bogies coming in at 3 o’clock!

LANDSHARK
I see them! Which one should I use—
the stilettos or the clogs?

DIAMOND
I would use the clogs. The stilettos have more
penetrating power on impact but the clogs are
more aerodynamic and have better range.

LANDSHARK
By God—I’ll make one of you Yanks
an Englishman yet! Tally-ho!

DIAMOND banks the pterodactyl and they fly towards the three incoming pterodactyls…

EXT.-FORT COURTYARD-DAY

The courtyard is a sea of chaos and carnage. There are bodies and debris everywhere. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of people fighting. The sound of clashing swords and gunfire is almost deafening. Arrows and stones are flying in every direction. It’s difficult to see who has the advantage—the defenders or the attackers.

We see the CYBORG HIMMLER walk calmly into the courtyard through the large gap in the walls that was made earlier. He looks around and spots the entrance to the Temple. He smiles and runs towards it, slashing at any defender in his way with his sword.

DIFFERENT ANGLE—FORT COURTYARD-DAY

We see MATT. His clothes are torn and he’s covered in cuts and bruises. He’s blasting away at Deros and Nazis alike with his BFG. He spots the CYBORG HIMMLER running towards the temple and aims his BFG at him. He pulls the trigger—only to hear a loud ‘click click’ sound instead.

MATT
FUCK!

MATT throws the now empty BFG away, pulls out his sword and runs after CYBORG HIMMLER, slashing at several Nazis and Deros in his way…

MATT
OOO-RAAAAHHHHH!!!!

EXT.-FORT COURTYARD-DIFFERENT PART-DAY

We see DEMOS and three bodyguard Deros on pterodactyls come landing into the courtyard. They leap off their pterodactyls.

DEMOS looks around for a moment and spots the entrance to the temple. He rushes towards it, his Dero guards attacking any defenders in his way. He keeps running, leaving them behind.

We see LORD GREYSTROKE and DOCTOR WHAT fighting back to back on a catwalk. GREYSTROKE is blasting away at several Deros who come close to him with his gun while DOCTOR WHAT is—surprisingly—managing to hold off several attackers with a large club he’s holding. GREYSTROKE spots DEMOS running towards the temple and raises his gun at him—

–only to be leaped on by a Dero who managed to climb over the outside wall. GREYSTROKE’s gun gets knocked out of his hand and we see it slide off the catwalk into the courtyard below.

DOCTOR WHAT turns around and bashes the Dero over the head with his club, knocking him off GREYSTROKE and back outside the fort wall.

We see several more Deros coming at them from one end of the catwalk.

LORD GREYSTROKE
Forget about me! I’ll hold them off! Get Demos!

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a sword from one of the dead Deros around them and runs down into the courtyard after DEMOS. Behind him, we see LORD GREYSTROKE in a swordfight with three Deros…

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER-DAY

We see CYBORG HIMMLER come into the room. He swings open the doors to the Stone. We see the entire chamber bathed in white light. CYBORG HIMMLER stands there, with a twisted grin on his face. He suddenly frowns and –with one fluid moment—pulls out his sword and turns around.

We see MATT come charging in, his sword swinging over his head. The two swords clash with a massive display of sparks.

CYBORG HIMMLER
(pushing MATT back a few feet with a sword parry)
Ah—a foolish American soldier. I have not
seen one of your kind for quite a while.

MATT
I’m going to be the last one you see, you bastard!

CYBORG HIMMLER
Ah—yes—you wish to have some kind of pathetic and
silly display of bravado. Very well—this should prove amusing…

They attack each other with their swords. It become quickly apparent within a minute or two that while MATT is a bit faster, CYBORG HIMMLER is clearly the more experienced of the two. MATT finds himself mostly just parrying attacks rather than attacking.

CYBORG HIMMLER is slowly forcing MATT into a corner of the room. MATT—mostly out of desperation—lets loose with a wild flurry of attacks. Most are easily parried by CYBORG HIMMLER.

Most of them—but not all. One of MATT’s attacks manages to hit CYBORG HIMMLER on the right (still human) part of his head, slashing open his cheek.

CYBORG HIMMLER knocks MATT back a few feet with a parry and slowly brings a hand to his cheek. He looks at his hand and notices the blood on it. His eyes narrow and there’s an almost feral grimace on his face.

CYBORG HIMMLER
(really pissed off)
You will die for that—boy.

zzWe see MATT flick his eyes to the dark side corridor. He smiles.

MATT
You have to catch me first, dickhead!

He runs into the corridor.

CYBORG HIMMLER
(screaming)
Come back here, you coward! Fight like a man!

He runs after him down the corridor.

EXT.-COURTYARD-DAY

We see JOHN SYMMES, HANS LINDENBROCK and ROBERT BYRD in the center of a foxhole. There is a short wall surrounding the foxhole made up of pieces of debris, sandbags and the occasional dead Dero. JOHN SYMMES is armed with two flintlock-like pistols (circa 1820’s) , HANS LINDENBROCK is armed with a bow and arrow while ROBERT BYRD is armed with a WW2 style rifle.

JOHN SYMMES
(blasting at a Dero)
I say—nothing like a spot of battle
to get the old heart pumping!

HANS LINDENBROCK
(putting an arrow through the chest of a Nazi soldier)
Ja! Although it would be better for my health
if the enemy wasn’t fighting back so hard!

ROBERT BYRD
(shooting an attacking merc)
That’s what makes it fun!

JOHN SYMMES
By the way—where’s Anna?

HANS LINDENBROCK
(shrugging shoulders)
She mentioned something about doing some catch and release…

EXT.-BATTLEFIELD OUTSIDE FORT-DAY

We see a surging mob of assorted Nazi, Dero and mercenary soldiers running towards the fort. Even over the sounds of the battle, we hear a loud shriek—from above. Some of the soldiers look up in horror.

We see ANNA PYM on the back of a giant golden eagle flying down into the crowd. The eagle snatches up several soldiers and flies up to about a thousand feet or so—then drops them.

The eagle swings around and makes another pass at the soldiers…

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER-DAY

We see DEMOS rush into the chamber

He stares open jawed at the glowing stone.

DEMOS
(quietly)
It’s mine.
(screaming)
IT’S MINE!!

We hear a sound coming from behind him and he turns around, his sword raised.

We see DOCTOR WHAT stagger into the room, gasping for breath. He raises his sword.

DOCTOR WHAT
(panting heavily)
You have to get through me first….

DEMOS
(barely able to hold his laughter)
You? Fight ME? You are barely able to hold up that
sword! Why do you insist on fighting me?

DOCTOR WHAT
Cause I’m the good guy and you’re an ugly
bad guy and it’s my job to try to stop you

DEMOS
You will die.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
Been there. Done that.

They attack each other, their clashing swords creating sparks as they meet…

INT.-CAVE—DAY

We are in an immensely huge cavern.

We see a large canyon about 100 feet wide. Spanning the canyon is a stone bridge barely 10 feet wide (and smaller than that in several spots) . The bridge is supported only in its middle by a column of stone that rises from the canyon floor while the two ends have little or no support.

HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT—we see that the canyon is at least a thousand feet deep. There is a large river of lava at the bottom that illuminates the entire area with an eerie red glow.

We see MATT rush out of a cave entrance. Barely twenty feet behind him is CYBORG HIMMLER. They run onto the stone bridge. About halfway across, MATT turns around and faces CYBORG HIMMLER.

CYBORG HIMMLER
Finally you fight!

Their swords clash again and again. A repeat of the earlier match begins to occur—CYBORG HIMMLER going on the offensive repeatedly while MATT parries blow after blow for a few seconds, then MATT counters with a flurry of attacks for a few seconds before the process repeats. Several attacks from MATT manage to get through CYBORG HIMMLER’s defences—but many of them hit the metal parts of his body, doing no damage.

Slowly but surely, CYBORG HIMMLER is pushing MATT towards the edge of the stone bridge…

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER-DAY

DEMOS and DOCTOR WHAT are sword-fighting.

And DOCTOR WHAT is clearly losing.

DEMOS is striking repeatedly at DOCTOR WHAT and all DOCTOR WHAT is able to do is parry relentlessly. The only reason DOCTOR WHAT has not been stabbed just yet is the fact that his small frame and fidgety is an advantage and he’s able to react and move out of the way of blows faster than normal.

DEMOS—despite winning the battle—is getting clearly upset.

DEMOS
Die already, you bastard! Stop jumping
around and accept your fate!

DOCTOR WHAT
(through clenched teeth as he parries several blows)
Not…going…to make it…easy…for…you…

DEMOS
I’ve waited my whole life to take over this world
and I WILL not allow some useless newcomer
stop me from my destiny!

DOCTOR WHAT
We newcomers seem to be doing a good job
in destroying your army, asshat!

DEMOS screams and launches a massive barrage of attacks on DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT is slowly being pushed towards the Stone by the attacks.

We see DOCTOR WHAT’s hand brush the Stone. There’s a spark of light.

TIGHT ON: DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes. For just a split second, they glow white before turning back to normal.

Suddenly—DOCTOR WHAT trips and falls backwards onto the ground, dropping his sword in the process.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up to see DEMOS bringing the sword towards his neck…

INT.-STONE BRIDGE-DAY

CYBORG HIMMLER is redoubling his offensive on MATT. MATT is barely able to counter the attacks and it’s mostly instinct and luck that seems to be keeping him from being stabbed.

We see that MATT is just a few feet away from the edge.

Suddenly, one of CYBORG HIMMLER’s attacks get through and MATT is slashed on his arm. He screams and drops his sword, taking a few quick steps backwards but before he can go more, he trips and lands on his back.

We see that MATT frantically try to crawl on his back away from the now smiling CYBORG HIMMLER.

CYBORG HIMMLER walks forward. He nonchalantly kicks MATT’s sword off the bridge.

TIGHT ON—we see the sword falling off the bridge and down towards the lava river below. It falls for a full ten seconds before the sword glows red hot for a few seconds—then plunges into the lava with a small fiery splash.

We see CYBORG HIMMLER almost on top of MATT. MATT’s head and shoulders are sticking out over the edge of the bridge. He glances frantically between CYBORG HIMMLER and the lava river several times.

CYBORG HIMMLER
Now you will know which is the true superior race…
(swings sword down over his head toward MATT)

Several things happen—almost in slow motion.

We see MATT scream and swing his legs upwards, connecting with CYBORG HIMMLER’s lower torso, He continues to swing his legs up—and over—his prone body.

We see a look of shock on CYBORG HIMMLER as he’s picked up by MATT’s legs and carried over MATT.

We see MATT screaming in pain from the exertion as he swings CYBORG HIMMLER up over his head—and off the bridge!

We hear CYBORG HIMMLER give a very brief scream.

Too brief.

MATT slowly gets up and peeks over the edge of the bridge.

DIFFERENT ANGLE

We see CYBORG HIMMLER grasping a protruding rock with his metal hand. He is literally hanging with one hand 1000 feet above the lava river below.

We see MATT staring at CYBORG HIMMLER. CYBORG HIMMLER is staring back.

MATT
(very calm voice)
You know—if this was a Saturday morning cartoon show,
I would save your life right about now and you would look
at me with newfound respect and admiration and give me
a little speech about how my act of compassion has opened
your eyes and you will renounce doing evil things and devote
yourself to doing good instead.
(beat)
Unfortunately for you—I’m a bad-ass, pissed-off
marine who fucking hates Nazis.

MATT brings his foot down onto CYBORG HIMMLER’s hand. We hear a very loud CRUNCH.

OVERHEAD SHOT—we are looking straight down at CYBORG HIMMLER hanging on the bridge. Way behind him in the distance we see the lava river. CYBORG HIMMLER loses his grip on the bridge. There is a look of sheer terror on his face.

TRACKING SHOT— We follow CYBORG HIMMLER’s fall towards the lava river.

He falls for a full ten seconds, the lava river behind him becoming increasingly larger until it fills the entire screen. CYBORG HIMMLER suddenly bursts into flame and two seconds later crashes into the surface of the lava river with a spectacular splash and disappears from view.

MATT
(pumping his fist in the air)
Oorah!
Fuckin’ Nazis.

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER-DAY

We see DEMOS has his sword at DOCTOR WHAT’s neck. But he hasn’t plunged it into his neck just yet.

DEMOS
Pathetic! I was expecting a true battle not some dance!
I do—however—applaud your bravado. Misplaced that
it was. But you never had a chance to defeat me!
(beat)
Don’t you understand? It is my destiny to rule this world!
Nothing can stop me now! I have the Stone! I have defeated
all before me! And I will now rule this world once and for all!
(beat)
Now—pitiful newcomer—you will die on my blade! I will—
however—make your death quick. You have been a source
of some minor amusement…
(he swings his sword over his head)

BANG!

We see DEMOS still standing there with the sword over his head. We slowly see his eyes become cross-eyed. The sword slowly slips from his hand and falls to the ground. We see—a few seconds later—DEMOS fall face forward onto the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up and sees—standing behind where DEMOS was standing—is LORD GREYSTROKE, holding a smoking pistol.

LORD GREYSTROKE
(shaking his head)
If you’re going to kill someone, kill them. Don’t talk.

DR WHAT smiles—then a few seconds later, the smile is replaced with a look of shock.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT! I think he and Himmler ran down
into those lava pits you were talking about!

LORD GREYSTROKE
It will take too much time to run down there! Come with me—
I know a way to get there faster!

They rush out

INT.-STONE BRIDGE-DAY

We see a smirking MATT looking down at the lava river. Suddenly the entire bridge begins to shake. He rushes towards the entrance back towards the Stone chamber when—

–one end of the stone bridge suddenly collapses and falls into the lava river below.

MATT screeches to a stop just in the nick of time and turns around and races for the other end of the bridge.

It too suddenly collapses.

MATT turns and sprints towards the middle of the bridge, which is the only part of the bridge that is actually supported.

We see MATT in the middle section of the bridge (about 20 feet long) in the center of the canyon. There’s no way off of it. We see MATT poke his head over the edge.

We see a series of cracks slowly climbing up the support column towards the bridge. A few small chunks of rock are already starting to fall off.

MATT
Well—this sucks…

We see more cracks appear on the column.

The stone bridge begins to actually crumble entirely—and collapses into the lava, bringing MATT with it.

OVERHEAD TRACKING SHOT—

We follow MATT’s fall towards the lava river.

10…

9…

8…

7…

We see that MATT—surprisingly—has a look of serenity on his face as he falls.

6…

5…

We see that MATT’s clothes are slowly starting to smoulder.

4…

We suddenly hear loud shrieks coming from offscreen

DIFFERENT ANGLE

Flying over the canyon at an immense speed are two giant golden eagles. They are being ridden by DOCTOR WHAT and LORD GREYSTROKE.

3…

We see DOCTOR WHAT’s eagle plunging towards the falling MATT, its claws extended.

2…

1…

DOCTOR WHAT’s eagle grabs MATT hand, with a mighty flap of its wings, flies upwards and slowly turns around and makes its way to a large cavern exit we see in the distance.

EXT.-FORT-DAY

LATER

We see LORD GREYSTROKE on top of a building addressing a large crowd. DOCTOR WHAT is standing next to him on one side with ANN PYM on the other side. LORD GREYSTROKE grabs DOCTOR WHAT’s arm and ANN PYM’s arm and raises them with his own.

LORD GREYSTROKE
DEMOS’ army is defeated! We are free once again!

Crowd cheers loudly.

We see MATT, DIAMOND, WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE (still wearing her Red Sonja outfit) standing next to each other, staring at this spectacle.

WEAPON M
That was fun.

MATT
Damn good job we did today,
if I don’t say so myself.

IRONYUPPIE
You just did.

DIAMOND
(to MATT)
Oh sure—YOU got to have a swordfight with a Cyborg Himmler
on a crumbling stone bridge over a river of molten lava. I just
piloted a pterodactyl for a shoe crazed Englishman. Do you have
any idea how dumb that’s going to look
like when they write the ballads for this?

IRONYUPPIE
Where is Sharky anyway?

DIAMOND
(shrugging shoulders)
He said something about finding his lost shoes.

MATT
Are there any Nazis to kill?

EXT.-BATTLEFIELD-DAY

We see LANDSHARK walking through the battlefield, collecting the occasional shoe. He nearly stumbles over something. He looks down.

We see that it is the ROBOT HERALD that was destroyed earlier.

LANDSHARK stares at the ROBOT HERALD for a moment, looks furtively around and pulls out a small toolkit from his pocket. He bends down and starts working on the ROBOT HERALD.

EXT.-SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see MATT and LANDSHARK making final repairs to the shuttle.

We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M staring dejectedly at the now empty cargo hold.

WEAPON M
(depressed voice)
All that porn…

DIAMOND
(depressed voice)
All that booze…

They stare at each other for a second. They burst into tears, hugging one another.

DIAMOND/WEAPON M
(together)
Hold me!

We see LORD GREYSTROKE shaking hands with DOCTOR WHAT.

LORD GREYSTROKE
Thank you! Thank you for all your help!

DOCTOR WHAT
Glad to be of service!

The ah.commers pile into the shuttle. The engines rev up and it takes off into the sky. It slowly does a loop the loop and flies into the exit tunnel.

EXT.-TUNNEL –DAY

We see the shuttle fly up the tunnel for a minute or so. We notice a bright white light at the end of the tunnel up ahead of the shuttle.

EXT.-NORTH POLE-DAY

The shuttle flies out of the tunnel and into space.

INT.- SHUTTLE ‘BARON MUNCHAUSEN’ –DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and MATT at the controls. IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND and WEAPON M are sitting in the middle seats. LANDSHARK is sitting in the back, his arms over his chest and a fedora hat over his eyes.

DIAMOND
(looking at IRONYUPPIE, who’s still wearing her Red Sonja costume)
Er…Erikka…is that outfit at all comfortable?

IRONYUPPIE
It’s not, actually.
(beat—smirking)
But I like the way it chafes…

All the ah.commers edge away from IRONYUPPIE.

The radio crackles to life.

LEO (o.v.)
DOCTOR WHAT! Is that you? We’ve been trying
to reach you and the shuttle for over a day!
Are you all alright? Is everything ok?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re ok, LEO! It’s a very long story—
we’ll tell you all about it when we get there.

LEO (o.v.)
Very well. ETA in about 10 minutes.
Looking forward to hearing all about it.

MATT
Damn that was some adventure!

DIAMOND
You said it!

MATT
Too bad that we never got a chance to fight Hitler.
God—I would have given anything to take him on.

LANDSHARK
(still having his hat over his eyes)
Don’t worry about him—I took care of it.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT-LARGE STONE CASTLE-DAY

We see a castle built onto the side of a mountain.

INT.-THRONE ROOM-DAY

We see a large and ornate throne room. Sitting on the throne is ADOLF HITLER. He looks completely decrepit and ancient. There are a large number of tubes and wires connected to various parts of his body. He looks like he’s practically a part of the throne.

HITLER
What happened? How goes the battle? Where is Himmler?
Why is nobody answering any of my calls?
Why am I talking out loud?

We see the ROBOT HERALD walk slowly into the throne room from a side entrance and stand in front of HITLER.

HITLER
Ah—you bring news! How goes the battle?

Silence from the ROBOT HERALD

HITLER
Well?

ROBOT HERALD’s head crackles with static and we see an image appear. It’s LANDSHARK’s face.

ROBOT HERALD
(speaking with LANDSHARK’s voice)
I have something to discuss with you about
Coventry, you toothbrush moustachioed
veggie craphead!

HITLER
(shocked voice)
What?!? What is the meaning of this?

ROBOT HERALD’s chest suddenly opens up to reveal several grenades, numerous sticks of dynamite and a few Molotov cocktails all wired together.

TIGHT ON- Hitler’s eyes widening in fear.

ROBOT HERALD
As the Jews—remember them?—would say—
(beat)
Kish m’in touches!

HITLER
(quietly)
Scheiss.

We see a phenomenally bright light.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS