TEASER

EXT. – SPACE –DAY

We see a large ship slowly pass the camera, in the background is the blue earth, moments later we see another ship pass across the earth, and another, and another…

PULL BACK and we see scores of ships in orbit around the planet.

EXT. – A POST ATTACKED CITY – DAY

Huge black aircraft fill the sky, in the distance we see a huge ship descending from the heavens.

PULL in on the ship and we see a symbol, a white hand within a red sun on the black hull.

INT. – ATTA’S FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – DAY

on a busy bridge, crewed by Neanderthals, ATTA sits upon her command chair, ADIKOR standing by her side.

ADIKOR
Another world back in the fold of the Empire.

ATTA
Five worlds, we are growing and growing fast.

ADIKOR
Yes, Mistress. We shall once again have a
mighty Empire spanning the mulitverse.

ATTA
Even at the height of our power, we were not able to
defeat the Destroyer and his world. You have seen the
information we took off his ship, tell me, will we be
able to defeat him now, with every ship we have in
our fleet attacking him?

ADIKOR
(long thoughtful pause)
I am sorry, Mistress, But I do not think so.

ATTA
He has grown strong, raiding Timelines for technology.
While we have grown weak living off the scraps of
what remained of our great Empire.

ADIKOR
What are we to do?

ATTA
(determined)
We get a hold of our own source of higher technology…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LOS ESTADOS CONFEDERADOS DE AMERICA”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

The crew are assembled on the couches, bean-bag chairs, and folding chairs, watching something intently on the big-screen TV. They’re watching NASCAR

NASCAR ANNOUNCER
It’s a bright day here at Daytona Beach.
People have come from all over the Confederate
States to watch the year’s national championship race.

STRAHA
Figures. We let those semiliterate Christian redneck
slack jaws establish their own country and they make
NASCAR one of their national sports.
(scoffs)
Hey Leo! Want to open up on them with some
particle beams? Theres some
TLs that just don’t need to exist.

LANDSHARK
(growling)
Shut your bloody mouth.
I’m trying to watch the friggin race.

LEO CAESIUS
Nope. If you really want some human-rights violations,
you need to see TTL’s Britain. Apparently troubles in
Ireland and other colonies led to it becoming a police
state and the violent and brutal suppression of all it’s colonial holdings.

LANDSHARK
(grinning proudly)
ah, good old fashioned British Monstrosity.
Let me tell you this, boyo, no one does violence
and brutality like the British Empire.

STRAHA
(scoffs)
Fucking British Imperialist. What we need is a good
quasi-fascistic America to bomb that island back into
the sea that crapped it out.

LANDSHARK
(pulls out cricket bat)
I think you need a lesson in British violence.

A beer can hits LANDSHARK’s head.

DIAMOND
Hey, shut up down there, Some
of us are trying to watch the race!

ONSCREEN: One damaged stock car comes to a stop near the pit. Suddenly, the pit crew jumps out of the car and begins gathering supplies—supplies that belong to other drivers. The other pit crews start chasing them and the kleptomaniac pit crew jumps back into the damaged car, which tears off.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
There goes Carlos Mencia’s team again.

STRAHA perks up.

STRAHA
Carlos Mencia! I know him!
(beat)
Well, I’ve seen him on TV.
Why the hell is he a NASCAR driver?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve finished digesting all the information
I’ve gathered from this particular TL.
Do you really want to know?

DOCTOR WHAT
(under his breath)
Took you long enough
(normal voice)
Sure thing, LEO.

LEO clears his electronic throat before speaking.

LEO CAESIUS
Apparently the Confederates took their case to the
Supreme Court rather than fire on Fort Sumter. In
a narrow decision, the Court ruled for the Confederates.
The lower South seceded relatively peacefully and
the Upper South never seceded at all.

STRAHA
Relatively? Leave it to some semiliterate
Christian rednecks slack jaws to f…

LEO CAESIUS
West Virginia counter-seceded
and there were some skirmishes
before a deal was inked out.
West Virginia got self-determination.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about slavery. Don’t tell me this is some cheesy
TL where slavery still exists to the present day…

LEO CAESIUS
Over the decades, international pressure
grew, and the Confederates were forced
to abolish slavery in 1885.
(beat)
They expelled 1/3 of the black population to Liberia,
and the resulting labor shortage crippled their economy.
They had to throw open the Mexican border.

STRAHA leaps from his seat.

STRAHA
Yesss! We’re going to take
the South from those
inbred book-burning…

LANDSHARK lifts his cricket bat menacingly again.. DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes fall on him and he shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
No Landshark. We can’t keep hitting him over
the head every time he says something stupid.

LANDSHARK
Why not?

STRAHA glares at LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT.

STRAHA
Pfft. I could so kick both your asses with my
hands tied behind my back. What are you
both, like a hundred? I -

DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Hit him now.

LANDSHARK begins whacking STRAHA.

DIAMOND
Damn it, I’m trying to watch the race!

LEO CAESIUS
So to answer STRAHA’s first question, in TTL,
Carlos Mencia is now a NASCAR driver. Of
course, in his stand-up, he did describe something
very similar about Mexico’s NASCAR team.
(beat)
Something rather racist, I might add.

HENDRYK, who had been very quiet up until now, raises his hand.

HENDRYK
I’m bored. Let’s go down there and
take a look at that world.

EXT. – THE STREETS OF MONTGOMERY -DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, and some other AH.com crew walk down the street, taking pictures as they go. Some denizens of the Confederate capital eye their odd dress, but most simply ignore them.

HENDRYK
I lost some of my Asian tentacle
porn in a computer crash a few days
ago. Do you think it’s legal in
the Confederacy?

STRAHA
(still a bit groggy)
That sort of thing isn’t legal in Alabama
when it’s still in the Union, much less
when it’s in the Confederacy!
(beat)
You need to go to the progressive,
socialist North for that sort of thing.
Down here, where all the inbred
Christian…

DOCTOR WHAT clears his throat.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shut up, Straha.

STRAHA
Go to hell, Canuck.

LEO CAESIUS (via comm)
Actually, the North isn’t socialist in TTL.
The remaining states in the Union passed
an amendment forbidding secession, but
they did not establish socialism.
(beat)
“Decentralized Populism” might be a better term.

STRAHA is taken aback.

STRAHA
You mean all of my theories
are wrong? How can I be wrong?
I can’t be wrong!

DOCTOR WHAT notices a crowd of people, including a couple of police, are watching them.

DOCTOR WHAT
No more talking to people
who aren’t visible, STRAHA.

He points to a WAFFLE HOUSE.

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT’D)
Let’s go get some lunch.

As the AH.commers hurry away, they don’t notice a black-clad man with a wide-brimmed had watching them from a dark alleyway. Once they’re out of sight, he removes a cell phone-like device from his coat.

OMINOUS STRANGER
(thick Polish accent)
The enemy has arrived, my
young apprentice. Ready the trap.

INT. – THE WAFFLE HOUSE – DAY

The AH.com party sidles up to the counter. A young black woman stands by the cash register, while several Hispanic men prepare hash browns in the back.

CASHIER
(smiling)
Y’all seat yourselves. Someone
will be with y’all shortly.

The AHers sit down at a table. STRAHA rubs his belly.

STRAHA
I wonder how good the hash-browns
are in TTL?

BEHIND THE COUNTER: The door into the store-room slides open. An arm clad in red emerges, holding a bag of marijuana.

STRAHA spots the bag. His tongue lolls out of his mouth and he rises from his chair.

WEAPON M
STRAHA, where are you going?

STRAHA
(dreamy)
Just stepping out for a minute.
Got to get something.

STRAHA heaves himself over the counter in a manner much like a whale beaching itself and drags himself towards the door.

STRAHA
I…need…the…weed.

Suddenly…

TWO FIGURES erupt from the doorway. One is tall, skinny, and garbed in black, while the other is shorter, rounder, and garbed in red. They seize STRAHA and yank him inside.

The Ah.commers see what’s occurring and they react quickly.

DOCTOR WHAT
They’ve got STRAHA!

They leap from their seats, futuristic weapons ready. The denizens of the Waffle House panic and run.

They burst through the doorway. They see…

MOLOBO standing there, holding a grenade-like device. He’s wearing thick sunglasses.

MOLOBO
Long time, no see, you Ian-lovers!

He jams the grenade-like device onto the floor. There’s a massive FLASH and then everything goes black.

INT. WAFFLE HOUSE STORE ROOM – DAY

LATER

DOCTOR WHAT moans as he awakens. He moves to get up, only to find that he’s tied up.

MOLOBO
Wakey-wakey.

He steps over and gives DOCTOR WHAT a swift kick.

MOLOBO
That’s for getting me hit
by a missile, you asshole.

Suddenly, KADYET enters the scene. He’s dressed in red like a Catholic cardinal.

KADYET
The others are waking up, my master.

MOLOBO
Are they tied up?
We wouldn’t want any
mistakes, my young
apprentice.

KADYET
All of them are tied securely.
Especially that apostate HENDRYK
and the Anabaptist heretic OTHNIEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want, you maniac?

MOLOBO grins.

MOLOBO
Revenge on every-vone .
On Ian, for banning me and
then defeating my master. On
that little CFer in the Hawaiian shirt,
for fighting so damn hard.
(beat)
And on YOU!

He kicks him again.

MOLOBO (CONT’D)
And I’ve come up with the perfect scheme!
We will steal your ship
and return to the Hub
and rescue my master!
Then Poland will be avenged!

KADYET
And then all three of us
shall impose the One True Church
on all the Multiverse!

MOLOBO
(obviously playing along)
Yes, yes, that too.

DOCTOR WHAT
And how will you do that?

MOLOBO
By kidnapping some of you and
forcing you to pilot us to the Hub, of
course. We only need two of you.

KADYET
The rest of you must be burnt, according
to Church law.
(beat)
But you must be offered a chance to repent.
Then you can die quickly, by garrote.

He leaves DOCTOR WHAT and MOLOBO alone.

MOLOBO
But we’ve got a little bit of time…

He begins kicking the bound DOCTOR WHAT.

INT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE-ROOM – DAY

The rest of the AH.Commers are tied up. KADYET is haranguing them.

KADYET
You disgusting sinners must
repent and trust in the Church…

OTHNIEL
But there is no name save Christ’s that can save
the souls of men. The Church is just an institution…

KADYET
But the Church is His body. Only the Catholic Church is
the true church. “One shepherd, one flock.” You are a heretic!
Worse than an infidel!

WEAPON_M, meanwhile, has found that his bindings are not entirely secure. He manages to work a pocketknife out of one of his pockets and while KADYET rants, is surreptitiously sawing through the ropes.

MOLOBO (O.S.)
Hurry up in there! We need
two of their recall devices!

OTHNIEL turns to WEAPON_M.

OTHNIEL
What would they need those for?

KADYET
To trick your friends into teleporting
us aboard your ship of course.
(beat)
I wonder whose I should steal first.

He surveys the AHers.

KADYET
I think I’ll take the fat one.

He steps over and seizes STRAHA by his tied-up hands. With visible effort, he pulls him to his feet.

STRAHA
Oh, fuck you, you God fearing asshole.
What are you gonna do, molest me like
all those supposed Men of God do?

KADYET punches STRAHA in the gut. STRAHA collapses to the floor.

OTHNIEL
Leave him, take me instead!

KADYET snorts.

KADYET
Better an infidel than a heretic.

He gestures to a nearby stack of crates.

KADYET
In light of what happened last time,
the master and I decided to come
loaded for bear. There’s a nuclear
bomb in one of those crates, along with
some heavy energy weapons.

KADYET gives STRAHA a swift kick, sending him staggering into the room where MOLOBO is beating DOCTOR WHAT. Meanwhile, WEAPON Mhas finishing cutting through the ropes binding his hands.

WEAPON M
Those are some lovely weapons.
I think I’ll be taking them.

KADYET sneers.

KADYET
Like you can do anything, you
dirty, hairy fornicating pagan.

WEAPON M rises to his feet. He brings his hands out from behind his back. The ropes drop to the floor. KADYET pales.

WEAPON M delivers a swift kick to one of the weapons crates, breaking it open. He pulls out an assault rifle.

WEAPON M
You call THIS a heavy energy weapon?

He starts shooting at KADYET. The Fallen ducks behind another crate and returns fire with an automatic pistol, forcing WEAPON Minto hiding behind another stack of crates.

HENDRYK sidles up to OTHNIEL.

HENDRYK
Untie me.

OTHNIEL
I’m a little tied up here myself.

HENDYK pushes his bound hands at OTHNIEL’s.

HENDRYK
Do you have enough movement to
untie my knots?

OTHNIEL
Worth a shot.

They both begin the rather complex process of untying each other without seeing what they’re doing. While WEAPON M and KADYET are shooting at one another.

INT. THE FIRST PART OF THE STOREROOM – DAY

MOLOBO hears the gunfire and turns away from the bloodied WHAT.

MOLOBO
What has that boy gotten into now?

He pulls a PLASMA RIFLE from behind the crates.

MOLOBO
Wait here.

He makes his way towards the door separating the two storerooms, kicking the bound STRAHA aside.

THE SECOND PART OF THE STOREROOM

HENDRYK and OTHNIEL have managed to untie each other. They’re surreptitiously working on the others.

Suddenly, MOLOBO steps through the doorway. He spots the pair quickly.

MOLOBO
KADYET, you moron!

He aims his rifle at the still-helpless AHers. Blue fire bursts from the barrel.

WEAPON Mrises from behind the crates, firing at MOLOBO. The chief Fallen stumbles backwards, his plasma fire going wildly.

EXT. – THE WAFFLEHOUSE – DAY

Plasma fire erupts from the roof.

EXT. – A STREET A FEW BLOCKS AWAY – DAY

A black man, a Hispanic man, and a white man are having an intense argument, punctuated by pushing. The fact that all three have a certain make of ring on their fingers is conspicuous. The sudden eruption from the Waffle House gets there attention.

THE WHITE GUY
We’re being attacked by foreigners again.

THE HISPANIC
This means we’ve got to put aside our petty
differences and unite.

THE BLACK MAN
(kind of reluctant)
Again.

ALL THREE IN UNISON
Wonder twin powers activate!

All three jam their rings together and bright light erupts from the joining.

POWER RANGERS-LIKE MORPHING MONTAGE

The black guy morphs into a character who resembles Mr. T. In his hands, he has a long gold chain.

The Mexican turns into a mariachi with a guitar case. One can see lots of guns peeking out.

The white guy changes his clothing transforms into a pair of overalls with one strap broken. His gut inflates. In his hands appears a comically-enormous shotgun.

The end result is BLACKIE, DARKIE, and CRACKER, the Wonder Twins (of sorts) of the Confederacy.

INT. THE WAFFLE HOUSE STOREROOM – DAY

WEAPON Mand some other AH.commers hold their own in a gun battle against KADYET and MOLOBO while the others scrounge around for their stolen weapons.

THE OTHER PART OF THE WAFFLE HOUSE STOREROOM

STRAHA looks up to see the bloodied DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Come here and help untie me!

STRAHA grins evilly.

STRAHA
Say it.

DOCTOR WHAT struggles with the ropes, but can’t get loose.

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on!

STRAHA
Say it!

DOCTOR WHAT groans.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine! Canada sucks!
Long live America and
drug legalization!

STRAHA grins.

STRAHA
Thanks.

STRAHA wriggles towards DOCTOR WHAT

INT. THE WAFFLE HOUSE STOREROOM

All of the AH.commers are free and armed again. MOLOBO and KADYET are quickly put on the defensive.

MOLOBO
(spying a crate)
Grenades.

KADYET
Yes, my master.

With MOLOBO’s plasma streams keep the AH.commers pinned behind cover, KADYET dashes for the Fallen ammo stash. He breaks out a crate, spilling a dozen grenades. He seizes one, pulls the pin, and hurls it towards a crate that WEAPON M and HENDRYK are sheltering behind.

The grenade is destroyed in midair by gunfire from

DARKIE. He glares at the Fallen.

DARKIE
You don’t be disturbing
the peace around here, esay .

The other two CONFEDERATE WONDER TWINS back him up.

BLACKIE
(incredibly deep voice)
Yeah.

CRACKER
Or y’all get your durned asses
beat back to Ross-ya or wherever
the hell you two come from.

MOLOBO is incensed.

MOLOBO
You dare insult Poland by
mistaking us for Russians!

KADYET
Schismatic Russians, I might add.

MOLOBO opens fire on CRACKER, but BLACKIE interferes. He whips his enormous gold chain around his head and hurls it at MOLOBO. The chain wraps itself around the Fallen, temporarily containing him.

CRACKER takes the opportunity to open fire with his enormous shotgun. The resulting enormous blast sends KADYET flying through the doorway into

INT. -THE OTHER PART OF THE STOREROOM – DAY

The flying FALLEN sends STRAHA, who has just finished untying DOCTOR WHAT, flying into the front part of the restaurant.

INT. – THE WAFFLE HOUSE STOREROOM – DAY

The CONFEDERATE WONDER TWINS turn to the AH.commers.

BLACKIE
All right. What the hell is
going on in here?

HENDRYK
(loftily)
Barbarians, we are representatives
of IAN_MONTGOMERIE Almighty,
and DOCTOR WHAT his only begotten son…

WEAPON M
(interrupting)
We tried to rescue our fat friend who was
being kidnapped. Things didn’t work out too well.

Unfortunately, everyone had taken their eyes off MOLOBO. Growling with fury, the Fallen rams his arms outward and SMASHES the gold chain.

MOLOBO
We’ll have the last laugh!

He rushes out the door.

DARKIE
You muchachos know where he’s goin’?

HENDRYK pales.

HENDRYK
Sacre blue! DOCTOR WHAT and STRAHA!

Everyone pours into

INT. -THE OTHER PART OF THE STOREROOM – DAY

An entire wall, along with the front part of the restaurant, has been blown out into the street. A black vulture-like ship that vaguely resembles a transport helicopter with some bolted-on weapons hovers out front. KADYET is hooking the tied-up STRAHA onto a winch hanging from the bottom. The CONFEDERATE WONDER TWINS are amazed. DARKIE falls to his knees crossing himself, while BLACKIE expresses his awe verbally.

BLACKIE
Daaaaaamn!

CRACKER cuffs him.

CRACKER
Don’t you be using no foul language boy!

BLACKIE glares.

BLACKIE
You call me “boy” again and I’ll
make you a girl, you dirty…

Their squabbling is interrupted by KADYET.

KADYET
Heretics! Unbelievers!
We will have the last laugh!

KADYET scrambles up the chain into the ship. The ship’s engines roar and…

The ship doesn’t rise very far.

The engines roar again, loud enough to shake the restaurant. This time, the ship gains some serious altitude. The winch retracts with obvious strain, pulling STRAHA into the ship. With a flash of light, it’s gone.

We hear a moan and turn to see DOCTOR WHAT crawling out of some rubble.

DOCTOR WHAT
My head…I really need some rutabaga
right now…

DIAMOND, who has said or done very little until now, looks ill. DOCTOR WHAT notices this.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not for that purpose, you drunk!

HENDRYK is already calling LEO.

HENDRYK
LEO, we’ve got a problem.

LEO CAESIUS
I was beginning to suspect that.
What’s going on?

HENDRYK
MOLOBO and KADYET.
They’ve got STRAHA.
They just left Montgomery. Where
are they?

LEO CAESIUS
They’re currently over Georgia, being
pursued by both CSA and USA fighters.

HENDRYK
Fighters? Can they bring it down?

LEO CAESIUS
Doubtful. The ship’s too fast and
had too much of a head start.

HENDRYK
Where does it look like they’re going?

LEO CAESIUS
They’re not going into orbit
or showing any sign of Shifting.
(beat)
Looks like they’re headed towards Africa.

DOCTOR WHAT stumbles over.

DOCTOR WHAT
Teleport us up. We’ve got to go hunting.

The AH.commers vanish with a loud pop, leaving the CONFEDERATE WONDER TWINS behind.

CRACKER
Durn foreigners. So durn impolite.
(beat)
So where were you?

BLACKIE
You were claiming to believe in
something called “the Curse of Ham.”

DARKIE
And the “Curse of Rodriguez” too.

As the scene fades out, we see them fighting again.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT has gotten cleaned up a bit, but he’s still pretty disheveled.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Where are those
Fallen now?

LEO CAESIUS
The ship is coming in for a landing in Monrovia

DOCTOR WHAT scratches his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why are they going to Liberia of all places?

LEO CAESIUS
When the Confederacy expelled over one
million freed slaves, the population of Liberia
swelled drastically. Much of Africa had been divided up
at this point, so Liberia could not expand territorially enough to give
the newly-freed slaves “forty acres and a mule” as planned.

DOCTOR WHAT
So?

LEO CAESIUS
This may be dreadfully insensitive of me, but
Liberia’s urban centers are giant, um, well…

DOCTOR WHAT
Spit it out LEO!

LEO CAESIUS
Ghettos. And by ghetto, I mean
ghett -to!

EXT. – MONROVIA – NIGHT

The city is a giant slum stretching from horizon to horizon. The buildings are shabby and run-down and neon signs advertising strippers, car title loans, and fried chicken light up a city drowned in smog from a few functioning factories.

On the streets, large black men draped in gold jewelry walk escorted by other such men, while the shabbily-dressed ordinary folk skitter to and fro, avoiding eye contact with said large men. On a street corner, a man in preacher’s robes shouts to a small group who’ve gathered to watch, his arms waving manically.

It is to this urban morass that a small dark ship comes.

INT. – THE BRIDGE OF “THE BREAKER OF SOULS II”- NIGHT

KADYET is piloting the ship while MOLOBO watches. The chief Fallen’s gaze is dark and his mood is darker.

MOLOBO
If you hadn’t wasted time preaching to those losers,
we’d be aboard the AH.com ship by now.

KADYET
But master! Their immortal souls had to be saved!

MOLOBO
There will be time for that later,
once the great master is freed.
(beat)
You should be punished, I think.

KADYET
(fearful)
But master, I punish myself enough!
Look at this metal things I wear under
my robes! And I’m always sure to flagellate
myself at night before bed!

MOLOBO shakes his head.

MOLOBO
I never get to have any fun.
(beat)
In any case, I have a plan B.

KADYET looks relieved.

KADYET
What is it, master?

MOLOBO
You remember those little
fools we had some dealings
with a few weeks ago?

KADYET nods vigorously.

MOLOBO
They can help us achieve our objectives.

KADYET
But master…they aren’t here…

MOLOBO
They’ll be here soon…if they know
what’s good for them.
(beat)
In the meantime, we wait.

KADYET
Is it safe, master?

MOLOBO
(grinning)
The one who rules here voluntarily
took the Fallen path. He forsook the safety
Ian provides at the cost of one’s backbone, and
ought out a place in his image, to rule
as he saw fit.
(beat)
We’re perfectly safe.

INT. – THE OFFICE OF THE LIBERIAN PRESIDENT- NIGHT

A man in dreadlocks sits in a nice chair behind a nice desk. He is locked in a passionate kiss with…another man.

The canoodling goes on for a few awkward minutes. Then someone knocks on the door.

WOMAN’S VOICE
Michael, you busy?

The dreadlocked man quickly shoves the other man under his desk.

MEJ
(awkwardly grinning)
No. Come in!

A BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN swishes in. She is LORETTA, MEJ’s wife.

LORETTA JOHNSON
How’s work going today?

MEJ smiles.

MEJ
Just fine. The treasury is running low again
(beat)
If only those racist bastards in the USA and CSA
would pay those reparations!

LORETTA JOHNSON
By the way, have you heard about this
new thing called “on the down low”?

MEJ is now on the verge of panic.

MEJ
Can’t say that I have.

LORETTA JOHNSON
Well, it’s apparently responsible for the
rising rate of AIDS infections among
married black women.

MEJ
Are you so sure? I’m pretty sure that the
white man invented AIDS to…

LORETTA groans.

LORETTA JOHNSON
Not again, MICHAEL

MEJ
All right, all right.

A bright-red phone on the desk begins ringing.

MEJ
Oh my. It looks like the President of the US.
(beat)
Perhaps it’s those reparations.

LORETTA nods.

LORETTA JOHNSON
Call me when you’re done.
It’s time for our weekly lunch date.

She swishes out. MEJ answers the phone.

INT. – “THE BREAKER OF SOULS II” – DAY

MOLOBO is talking to MEJ.

MOLOBO
Mind if we hide out in Monrovia for awhile?

MEJ
Hide out from whom?

MOLOBO
The AH.com. We tried to jack
their ship to rescue MIKE from the Hub,
but things didn’t work out.
(beat)
We’ll be meeting someone else soon.
We and our AH.com hostage will be gone within a week tops.

MEJ
I bet I’m going to regret this. Your ship can land at the
Shaka Zulu Memorial Airport. I’ll make sure the
Kill Whitey terminal is open.

He hangs up. MEJ’s lover crawls out from under the desk.

MEJ
Montavius, go to Shaka and look for the black ship.
Keep them
(giggles)
on the down low.

EXT. – KILL WHITEY TERMINAL, SHAKA ZULU MEMORIAL AIRPORT – NIGHT

The gangplank of the Fallen ship rolls down. KADYET comes down, eyes wary.

KADYET
Nothing tricky thus far.
(beat)
It’s a bit hot, but that’s adequate
punishment for my sin of looking
at a cover of “The Da Vinci Code.”

Suddenly, the bound STRAHA lunges down the gangplank, bowling over KADYET. He runs for the nearest exit.

However, after running about five feet, he starts huffing and puffing. After around twenty feet, he can’t run anymore and slumps onto the ground.

KADYET calmly walks over and hoists him to his feet by his bound hands.

KADYET
Sinning fat pagan. Once we’re safely
ensconced in a monastery, I’ll have to
teach you some…

MOLOBO enters the scene.

MOLOBO
Stop lecturing the fat pothead! Get him
aboard the ship before someone notices!

The two Fallen drag STRAHA aboard.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The AH.commers are assembled, ready for war.

LEO CAESIUS
All right. MOLOBO, KADYET,
and STRAHA are in the Shaka Zulu
International Airport in Monrovia.
(beat)
Guess who’s protecting them?

DOCTOR WHAT
Another version of MIKE COLLINS?

GREY WOLF
A giant distillery!

DIAMOND
An IT professionals union!

Everyone glares at him.

DIAMOND
Well, a man can dream, can’t he?

LEO CAESIUS
MEJ.

Everyone groans.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Didn’t we defeat him a few worlds back?

LEO CAESIUS
Like the rest of us, there are a alternates from various
TLs that also tend to rise to the same level as others
we’ve encountered. This MEJ, according to scans and
Hub records,is one who left the Hub
after people stopped humoring him

LUAKEL pipes in.

LUAKEL
Even I’m not that liberal!

GREY WOLF throws an empty beer can at him.

GREY WOLF
Shut up Urkel!

Everyone looks at him. He shrugs.

GREY WOLF
Bloody hell, everyone else
is doing it.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. LEO, can you locate
STRAHA?

LEO computes for a moment.

LEO CAESIUS
He’s within the Fallen ship.
And something’s funny about its
hull material—we can’t just
teleport him out.
(beat)
Someone’s going to have to go get him.

GREY WOLF
Can’t we just blow up the ship from orbit?

LEO CAESIUS
Not unless you want to lose STRAHA
(beat)
Which sometimes doesn’t seem like too
bad an idea…

DOCTOR WHAT interrupts.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll just have to come up
With a distraction, then.
(beat)
Any volunteers?

Nobody raises their hand. DOCTOR WHAT points to OTHNIEL and MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
You just volunteered. Go down there
aAnd get him out of the ship.

He points to WEAPON_M.

DOCTOR WHAT
You. Gather some people and
raid something down there.

WEAPON M
Create a distraction?
(DOCTOR WHAT nods.)
Oh, sweet, I’m gonna so blow so much shit up.
(skips out of Control Room)

INT. – THE BLACK HOUSE – NIGHT

WEAPON_M, MICHAEL, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and DMA materialize inside Liberia’s executive mansion. Three enormous BLACK PANTHER-ESQUE men spot them.

DMA is the first to act.

DMA
JIHAD ON HIS ARSE!!

He opens fire on the BLACK PANTHERS. One goes down, but the others are quick. One ducks down behind a bust of Vladimir Lenin, while another ducks behind an enormous statue of Nat Turner cutting off a white person’s head with an axe.

The AH.commers find their own cover and the battle is on.

EXT. – KILL WHITEY TERMINAL, SHAKA ZULU MEMORIAL AIRPORT – NIGHT

Sirens wail and LIBERIAN SOLDIERS who are standing guard near the Fallen ship rush off to defend the Black House.

Seconds later, MATT in full battle armor and OTHNIEL done up like Rambo materialize on the tarmac. Directly in front of them lies the Fallen ship. The gangplank is down and the ship is apparently unoccupied.

MATT
All right. Standard procedure is
to roll a grenade in. However, since they’ve
got a hostage, we’ll have to go in slowly.
(beat)
Cover me.

His BFG in front of him, MATT makes his way onto the Fallen ship. Once he peeks inside, he gestures for OTHNIEL to follow.

INT. – THE BREAKER OF SOULS II – NIGHT

The interior of the ship is empty and bare. It looks like a barely-modified old freighter.

At the end of the central compartment sits a tied-up STRAHA. OTHNIEL rushes forward to untie him, but MATT stops him.

MATT
Wait. This could be a trap.

Suddenly, the entryway seals up. Two people start maniacally laughing off camera and MATT turns to see

The two FALLEN are standing between them and the door.

MOLOBO
You are correct, Ian-lover.
(beat)
Now DIE!!

MOLOBO hurls an enormous club at MATT, knocking the BFG from his hands. The battle is on.

INT. – THE BLACK HOUSE – NIGHT

Much of the interior of the Black House has been destroyed. The AH.commers are barricaded behind some fallen statues. A bunch of LIBERIAN SOLDIERS and BLACK PANTHERS, also behind cover, fire at them with a motley mix of 20th Century and futuristic weapons.

A wall EXPLODES behind them and some grenades roll through the gap. IRONYUPPIE hurls her yo-yo at them and shreds them before they explode. She pulls a grenade of her own from her vest and hurls it the way the other grenades came. The grenade explodes off-camera and we hear some SCREAMS.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn it, we’re being flanked.

WEAPON_M’s gun falls silent. He slaps his last energy cartridge in, but the LIBERIANS have used the lull in the fire to advance closer to their position.

WEAPON M
We’re going to have to get out here.

IRONYUPPIE
Retreat? Are you nuts?

WEAPON M
We’re low on ammo and being flanked.
Your yo-yo won’t be able to hold
them off forever.
(beat)
You four go first.

MICHAEL shrugs and pulls out his comm unit.

MICHAEL
Hey, wanker. Beam me up!

G.BONE (OS)
Damn, it. Quit calling me a wanker!

MICHAEL vanishes in a loud pop. LANDSHARK soon follows.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn it.
(glares at WEAPON_M)
We’ll discuss this later.

WEAPON M
(leering)
Will there be another woman involved?

IRONYUPPIE sticks her tongue out at him before she teleports away.

DMA, however, doesn’t seem interested in retreating.

DMA
JIHAD!!

DMA rises to his feet blasting away, his gun goes empty, and he pulls out a gigantic knife from a sheath and prepares to charge the LIBERIANS and BLACK PANTHERS. He suddenly vanishes in a loud pop. The LIBERIANS and BLACK PANTHERS see their enemy disappearing and they begin to charge the barricade, WEAPON M the last one behind.

WEAPON M pulls out a bunch of grenades and pulls the pin, whistling merrily, then vanishes in a pop.

INT. – BREAKER OF SOULS II – NIGHT

MATT squares off in hand-to-hand combat against MOLOBO. He’s physically superior in his powered armor, but MOLOBO is more aggressive. Neither of them can get to the BFG.

KADYET faces off against OTHNIEL.

KADYET
You must be burned! BURNED!
It is the law of the Church!

OTHNIEL
Is it not written, “Vengeance is mine, saith
the Lord”? Sola Scriptura!

KADYET can’t really answer this one, so he attacks with his clerical staff. OTHNIEL catches the staff and spins KADYET away.

Meanwhile, STRAHA is desperately struggling to get loose.

STRAHA
Ah, fuck. Just kill me and save me
from this wank-fest of scripture babble.

CLOSE-UP: THE WALL. Some of the ropes holding STRAHA down are beginning to fray.

INT. – BREAKER OF SOULS – NIGHT

MATT backhands MOLOBO, sending him crashing into some crates. He rushes over towards STRAHA.

KADYET
No!

He hurls himself into MATT’s path, tripping him and sending him toppling over. MATT manages to roll onto his feet. He approaches STRAHA and begins to untie him. It’s slow-going—the Fallen have used double and triple knots, many of them.

MATT
To hell with this!

A blade slides out of one of his wrists. He starts cutting through the ropes.

MOLOBO suddenly appears behind him.

MOLOBO
Not today!

The Fallen pounces on MATT, knocking him aside. Fortunately, he’s done enough cutting and STRAHA manages to wriggle out of the rest. The effort, however, leaves him red-faced and gasping.

OTHNIEL spots the BFG. He rushes over and picks it up.

KADYET has recovered from his tumble with MATT. He lunges at OTHNIEL. OTHNIEL steps to the side and KADYET goes headfirst into a bulkhead, knocking him unconscious. OTHNIEL, while regaining his footing, accidentally hits the trigger.

The resulting blast blows an enormous hole in the side of the ship. MATT notices.

MATT
Everyone out!

He steps over and grabs STRAHA. He rushes towards the door, only to be stopped by MOLOBO, who has grabbed onto his foot.

MATT
(annoyed)
Asshat.

He kicks MOLOBO, knocking him off. The AH.commers then rush for the exit.

EXT. – THE TARMAC – NIGHT

Liberian troops are returning in force. As soon as the AH.commers hit the asphalt, they have lots and lots of guns trained on them.

LIBERIAN COMMANDER
Drop yo weapons, foo’!

The AH.commers don’t look like they’re going to obey.

LIBERIAN COMMANDER
Put a cap in their asses!
(beat)
Make that a hundred thousand caps!

The assembled soldiers open fire. Merely seconds before their ammo would have hit, the AH.commers vanish.

The bullets, grenades, and tank shells hit the tarmac. The resulting explosion rips up the Breaker of Souls II .

LIBERIAN COMMANDER
Cease fire, foo’s!

MOLOBO and KADYET drag themselves from the ruins of the ship. They’re both very unhappy.

INT. – AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT stands before the assembled crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Once we get back to the Hub,
we need to warn IAN. MOLOBO is up to
something.

LEO CAESIUS
This world is pretty out of the way.
They might be stranded here for a good while.

WEAPON M
Can’t take too many chances though.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Let’s Shift.
(beat)
Wait…where’s HENDRYK?

EXT. – DARK ALLEY IN MONTGOMERY – NIGHT

HENDRYK creeps towards a dark alleyway.

HENDRYK
You there?

A seedy-looking man emerges from the alley.

PORNO DEALER
Only the best for foreign clients.
(beat)
Where’re you from again?

HENDRYK
(uncertain)
I am from…France.

He withdraws a sheaf from his trench-coat. He hands it to HENDRYK, who eagerly pulls some images out.

Disappointment darkens his face. He hands the sheaf back. We can briefly see the image of a nude woman seated on a bed, her hands covering her “strategic parts.”

HENDRYK
You call this porn?

HENDRYK pulls a sheaf from his coat. We get a brief glimpse of a woman in the lusty embrace of a tentacled monster.

HENDRYK
THIS is porn!

The PORNO dealer is sickened.

PORNO DEALER
You sick frog! I’m calling the
Community Standards Department!

He pulls a cell phone from his pocket and starts dialing.

HENDRYK
Sacre blue! G.Bone get me outta here!

HENDRYK vanishes in a loud pop.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – A CITY UNDER ATTACK – DAU

TIGHT on MIDGARDMETAL.

We hear a loud guitar riff.

PULL BACK and we see MIDGARDMETAL standing in the middle of a wide city street, playing his heavy black guitar, around him, the windows in buildings begin exploding and the asphalt beneath his feet begin to crack.

REVERSE SHOT we see scores of tanks and other mobile weapons wrecked and burning on the street before MIDGARDMETAL. Troops are ducking behind cover and preparing to fire at MIDGARDMETAL.

Suddenly a huge black transport lands heavily behind MIDGARDMETAL. A large ramps extend and from the transport swarms hundreds of hideous monsters. They ignore MIDGARDMETAL and immediately begin attacking the defending troops.

MIDGARDMETAL flips a switch on his guitar and the rumbling comes to a stop, but he continues to play.

MONTAGE (OVER MIGARDMETAL’S GUITAR SOLO)

The monsters attacking the troops.

Brutal fighting.

Screaming.

Blood splattering.

Frantic gun firing.

Silence.

Then the crunch slurp of monsters feeding on the vanquished.

GUITAR SOLO COMES TO AN END.

WARD and GRIMM REAPER stand upon the ramp of the transport.

WARD
(looking at Midgardmetal)
A little heavy on the distortion,
but I have to say, it’s pretty good.

GRIMM REAPER
(looking at the monsters)
Oh, my. I think I’ve found a new pet…

WARD
(looking at the monsters)
Not bad.

DARK SLAVIK walks out from the interior of the transport, squinting.

DARK SLAVIK
My pretties….
(looking proud)
See, I told you they’d be able
to go up against armed troops easily.

WARD
Sure they can fight battered and demoralized troops.
I think it’s time to try it on a wider scale.
(opens comm unit)
Merry.

MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
Yes, sir?

WARD
Send down the rest of the transports.

MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
Location, sir?

WARD
Land them randomly across the city,
let’s see what they can do if let loose.

MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
What, sir? Against the civilian population?

WARD
Yes.

MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
(hesitant)
Are you sure, sir?

WARD
(annoyed)
Do it.

MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
Yes, sir….

GRIMM REAPER
Tell Fortyseven to teleport down some popcorn.
(to Ward)
This should be entertaining.

WARD
And some beer.

GRIMM REAPER
We need a good spot to watch.

The two walk off, continuing their discussion.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS