TEASER

INT. – DARK, CROWDED, SMOKE-FILLED TAVERN – DAY

Camera slowly pans over walls of tavern. A neon sign that flashes TRY OUR MOLSON GREEN can be seen behind the bartender as he serves a customer. The wall behind him contains an assortment of strangely shaped bottles. Many of them seem to contain bright blue or green or red liquids.

Camera continues to pan over to a payphone. We see DOCTOR WHAT is on the phone speaking to someone

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah…uh-huh…
I see….that’s great!….
mmm-mmm….ok….ok then….
so–it’s a date! Great!
I’m really looking forward to seeing you!
I’ve heard a lot about you-uh-_

Quickly DOCTOR WHAT glances on the wall next to the telephone and rapidly trails his index finger over the graffiti written on it. His finger stops at one spot. He taps the spot and turns back to the telephone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(CONT.)
–Lisa…._
(Hangs up phone)

WEAPON M and MATT walk up behind DOCTOR WHAT

WEAPON M
Come on. Our work here is done.
We’re leaving for the next timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? Are you nuts?!
I just got myself a date!

WEAPON M and MATT exchange a glance

MATT
Uh–Doc?
Remember the last date you had?_

Blank look from DOCTOR WHAT

MATT
Angela? From Timeline 23557?_

WEAPON M
Who turned out to be a 50 year old
transgendered midget dominantrix.

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
Looks aren’t everything

MATT
She was the high priestess of an
Aztec snake god religion

DOCTOR WHAT
I have no problem with other people’s religions…

WEAPON M
There was 168 headless corpses
buried in her basement

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone else could have put those there—

MATT.
She was one sacrifice away
from summoning an avatar
of the snake god and planning
to use it to destroy New Orleans…

DOCTOR WHAT
It was simply a minor cultural faux-pas…

WEAPON M
She had you strapped down naked
on an altar and was about to
cut out your heart when we showed up…

DOCTOR WHAT
uh….

WEAPON M
Come on.
we gotta get to the
teleporter coordinates right away.

The three of them walk towards exit of tavern. DOCTOR WHAT is muttering quietly to himself

DOCTOR WHAT
…at least I got dinner out of the deal….

Pause.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“IN DA GADDA DE VITA THROUGH A CRACKED DARK MIRROR”

Written By: Doctor What

ACT 1

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Open in Deep Space, nothing but blackness. Pan down to see Earth. Suddenly we see a huge swirling red vortex and out of it shoots a familiar looking vessel. We can see the writing of Ah.com along its hull before it passes by. Pan close, moving along hull of the vessel, pass port holes, pass blinking lights and hatches, and then into a huge amazingly clear window into…

INT. – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

A huge globe is floating in the center of the room. Several figures sit around a conference table beneath it. We see: DR.WHAT, GREY WOLF, LANDSHARK, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA , WEAPON M and MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes! Here we are!

LANDSHARK
(yawns)
Yeah–like… whatever.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking irritably at him)
Come on–I have a good feeling about this one!

LANDSHARK
You had a
(making quote marks with fingers)
“good feeling” about the last one!
(beat)
I still have the rash!

KIT
(grinning)
I offered to kiss it and make it better–

LANDSHARK
No!

DOCTOR WHAT
(consulting watch)
(sotto voce)
9.2 seconds…hmmm….that’s a new record for him…
(looks up and raising voice to normal levels)
Leo! What have you got for us?

LEO CAESIUS
I would like everyone to know that
scans of the planet below have
yielded some interesting results.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking well-groomed goatee in a thoughtful manner)
Such as?

LEO CAESIUS
Quite fascinating really.
Population approximately 4 billion humans.
No evidence of any major conflicts occurring.
Radiation and chemical pollutants in
the atmosphere virtually non-existent.
Surprisingly high standard of living in most regions.
Tech level at late 20th century.
Very high tolerance for cultural and ethnic diversity.
The main political philosophy seems to
be a form of liberatarism. Preliminary indications
give a Utopia rating of 7.4 out of a possible 10…

Many of those gathered raise an eyebrow in surprise or exchange a quick glance at each other at all this.

LEO CAESIUS
(continues)
Hmmm….interesting…
it seems that the primary method of air travel is..
(suddenly trails off into silence)

Long uncomfortable pause as everyone waits for LEO to finish. Slow dawning realization when they realize that LEO has stopped talking. Nervous and confused glances are exchanged among themselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hesitantly)
Uh–Leo–you were saying….?

LEO CAESIUS
(very quickly)
Uh–never mind that. Look at this!
They managed to green the Sahara Desert!
Daffodils! Daffodils as far as the eye can see!
I can bring up some pretty pictures if you like…

Holographic Earth image is replaced by a close-up view of the Sahara Desert–covered in a sea of yellow.

KIT
Hey–it is really pretty….

LANDSHARK
Who cares about some damn silly flowers!
Leo–finish what you were going to say already!

LEO CAESIUS
Are you sure you don’t want to see
some more pictures of the flowers?
I’ve got tons of photos–

DOCTOR WHAT
(low voice–aside to LANDSHARK)
What the hell is wrong with him?

LANDSHARK
(shrugging)
Beats the hell out of me–
maybe that big brain of his finally exploded…

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Can you please finish your original sentence?

LEO CAESIUS
Very well. Obviously some of you
people don’t appreciate the subtle
aesthetics of the harmony that occurs
when form and color combine in the
perfect marriage of practicality and ambiance…
(deep electronic sigh)
Very well. The primary mode of air travel
on this world appears to be–
(incoherent mumbling)

LANDSHARK
(almost at the end of his patience)
Leo! Out with it!

LEO CAESIUS
(even deeper electronic sigh)
Airships.
(pause)
The primary mode of travel
on this world are airships. Multiple varieties.
Big ones. Small ones. Cargo airships.
Passenger airships. A huge assortment of models to choose from.
(pause)
There appears to be even a personal version available…

Long pause as everyone takes a moment to process this.

Mass confusion as everyone jumps out of their chairs and runs towards the exit.

ABDUL HADI PASHA, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are lodged together in the doorway as each tried to go out at the same time. A jumble of arms and legs are all that can be seen clearly. WEAPON M strides purposely forward and rams through the blockage, throwing bodies everywhere. Painful groans are heard as the three slowly get up and stagger down the hallway. The only person left is DOCTOR WHAT, who is sitting at the table slowly pounding his forehead onto the tabletop.

DOCTOR WHAT
(saying it almost like a mantra,
punctuating each word with a thump)
….stupid…..stupid…..stupid…..stupid….

LEO CAESIUS
(hesitantly)
Uh-Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(stops pounding his head)
What?

LEO CAESIUS
My programming forces me to share
with the crew any relevant information…
(sotto voce)
…no matter how tangentially the relevance may be…
(normal voice)
…that I may discover.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Uh–and…?

LEO CAESIUS
I have been monitoring this planet’s radio
communications and it seems that there’s an…
(hesitantly–almost as if he’s not sure of the right terminology)
… actor?….an actor in OTL that never became one here but became a singer instead.
He has three songs in the current top 40 apparently…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who?

LEO CAESIUS
William Shatner.

Long pause as DOCTOR WHAT ponders this statement. He leaps up from table and runs out of the bridge. The words “waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiit foooooooooor meeeeeeeeeeee” can be heard trailing off into the distance.

Leo gives an extremely deep and profound electronic sigh. It’s a sigh that’s so long and so deep and so sad that it somehow encompasses the whole of the human condition and gives us the viewers a whole new insight into what it is like to work with humans

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
Wankers.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We open in Deep Space, nothing but blackness. Pan down to see the Moon. Suddenly we see a huge swirling blue vortex and out of it shoots a familiar looking vessel.

Familiar…and yet…. different.

It’s black, for starters. Pitch black. It’s also sleeker…longer…almost militaristic looking. There’s a subtle yet definite aura of menace to the ship. The words AH.COM (written in capital letters and in dark red letters) can be seen as we glide alongside it.

Pan close, moving along hull of the vessel, pass port holes, pass blinking lights and hatches, and then into a huge amazingly clear window into…

INT. BATTLE ROOM – NIGHT

A huge globe is floating in the center of the room. Several figures sit around a conference table beneath it. Their faces are shrouded in shadows, as the only source of light comes from various red lights from the electronic equipment in the room.

FIGURE AT HEAD OF TABLE
(very familiar voice)
Leo! What do your scans indicate?

LEO CAESIUS
(sounding like ‘our’ Leo, only with a British accent.
He sounds remarkably like Jeremy Irons)
Population approximately 4 billion humans.
No evidence of any major conflicts occurring….

A figure seated at the table shifts forward in his seat into the light coming from the hologlobe. We see that it’s MATT–but he looks different. He has a goatee, for starters. His hair is long and unkempt. He also has a deep scar that starts from the right side of his mouth that curves up and ends near his ear. When he smiles–which he does now–it gives his face a sneering expression.

MATT
(sneering)
…yet….

LEO CAESIUS
…Radiation and chemical pollutants
in the atmosphere virtually non-existent….

Another figure edges closer into the light. We see that it’s THANDE. He too, has a goatee. He also has a severe chemical burn on the left side of his face. Only a few clumps of hair remain on his head.

THANDE
(sneering)
…so clean…so pure…
(beat)
….for now…

LEO CAESIUS
…Surprisingly high standard of living
in most regions. Tech level at late 20th century.
Very high tolerance for cultural and ethnic diversity…

Another figure shifts into the light. It’s KIT. He too has a goatee. His hair is also closely cropped–almost like a military crewcut. He’s also wearing skintight black leather bondage gear. He has a large grin on his face–when he smiles, we notice that all the teeth in his mouth have been sharpened to a fine point.

KIT
(sneering)
Oh. Goodie. I so like tolerance.
(Beat)
Not!

LEO CAESIUS
…The main political philosophy
seems to be a form of liberatarism…..

Another figure shifts forward into the light. We see that it’s WEAPON M. He’s has–yup–a goatee. He’s also completely bald. There’s a large tattoo of a rattlesnake curled around his right ear. He has a eye patch over his left eye.

WEAPON M
(sneering)
Freedom? I know not this foreign word…

LEO CAESIUS
… Preliminary indications give a
Utopia rating of 7.4 out of a possible 10…

Figure at head of table leans forward. We see that it is DOCTOR WHAT. He does NOT have a goatee but in all other respects looks exactly like his counterpart.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sneering, of course)
…but not for long, right guys?….

All the figures nod their heads vigorously.

LEO CAESIUS
Shall we all laugh maniacally?

DOCTOR WHAT
An excellent idea, Leo…

ALL
MWHA-HAAAHAAHAHAAAHAAHAAAHA-HAAHAAHAA!

EXT, -NEW YORK CITY – DAY

Camera pans down slowly over a city that is both familiar and unfamiliar. Many of the more famous landmarks are there but this is a New York City that is different. It can best be described as New York City of the year 2000 as imagined by someone from 1935. There are soaring sleek towers crisscrossed with connecting pedestrian walkways. The style of many of the buildings are of an Art Deco style with a fusion of modern techniques. Sleek -almost bullet shaped– trains and buses carry teeming masses to and fro. And, of course, airships of virtually every size, shape and color can be seen.

The camera stops panning and –slowly at first but quickly picking up speed– begins to zoom down into the heart of the city. We zoom down onto a group of individuals. We get an extreme close-up of the individuals and see that it is the AH.COM crew that we all know and love–er–that we all know….

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(staring awestruck at one large airship slowly flying overhead)
So long….

KIT
(also staring upwards)
So big…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(turning to grin at KIT)
So rigid…

KIT
(grinning at ABDUL HADI PASHA)
So thick…

WEAPON M and MATT glance at one another and slowly edge away from the two of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
(completely clueless about the double entendres happening behind him)
That really is an amazing looking airship.
(consulting a tour-guide book)
Hey! There’s the Waldorf Hotel about ten blocks away that way!
(Points up the street)

MATT
What are we going to do for money?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulls out a pocketful of tacky looking jewelry)
And you guys made fun of me when
I entered that contest and came in
third place in that Miss C.S.A. pageant….
(beat – contemplatively)
I should have won first place!
I shaved my legs and everything!

MATT and WEAPON M exchange a glance and edge away from DOCTOR WHAT

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY-CENTRAL PARK –DAY

Camera pans down to show a group of the familiar-and yet-unfamiliar- looking individuals. They are the Mirror version of our clueless and intrepid heroes that we were introduced to before. A small shuttlecraft can be seen in the background being covered up by some branches and underbrush by several other MIRROR crew.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We need transport around the city

Camera pans to another person looking about it. It’s the Mirror Landshark, wearing a -yes- goatee and a long black leather coat and dark Matrix-like sunglasses. He also has a large Anarchy symbol tattoo on his left cheek

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Leave that to me!

A police car pulls up. A young and effeminate looking rookie cop comes out of it. His nametag says “Jerry Mathers”

JERRY MATHERS
(waving in a friendly manner)
Hello there folks!
You’ve got a bit of trouble?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(speaking to Mirror Landshark)
Remember–subtlety….

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Right-o!
(Pulls out taser gun—zaps cop)

Cop falls down. MIRROR LANDSHARK runs over and whacks the unconscious cop with a cricket bat a few times for good measure.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(raising an eyebrow quizzically)
Subtle?

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Hey! He’s alive, he’s still twitching and
still has use of all of his limbs.
Plus his vehicle is in one piece!
I am the very epitome of subtleness!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding his head in agreement)
Can’t argue with that logic….

All of the MIRROR crew pile into the police car. MIRROR LANDSHARK is in the driver’s seat.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Where to?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We are in New York City.
We need a nice hotel. Where else will we go?
(beat)
The Waldorf, of course….

They drive off.

INT. -WORLD FAMOUS WALDORF HOTEL – DAY

Ostentatious and yet sublime–the Waldorf Lobby practically screams high class. There’s an incredible amount of marble and wood and other precious materials in view. Numerous pieces of art and sculptures are scattered about. The requisite snooty hotel crew can be seen scurrying around. One gets the distinct impression that even just breathing the air of the place will cost a day’s salary.

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA, WEAPON M, MATT, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF stroll into the lobby. They blink in confusion at the overwhelming poshness of the place but quickly compose themselves and walk towards the counter.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello my good man
–seven of your rooms please!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(glancing at DOCTOR WHAT)
Are you…
(glances at the rest of the ah.comers)
…gentlemen?…
(stoically carries on)
…quite sure you are in the right location?

GREY WOLF
Listen you!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Yes?

GREY WOLF
(long pause)
Er…I forgot what I was going to say…

LANDSHARK
Listen you arrogant snot-nosed philistine!
We want rooms! And we want them now!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(sighing deeply)
Very well then–and how would you be paying?

DOCTOR WHAT throws down a wad of brightly colored bills on the counter.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Cash!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(raising eyebrows in surprise)
Of course, sir! Garcon!

A BELLHOP comes rushing over and picks up assorted bags

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(handing over some keys)
I’m afraid that we have only double rooms available–will four rooms suffice?

A quick confab occurs–most aren’t too crazy about doubling up (with the exception of ABDUL HADI PASHA and KIT) but they figure they can put up with this for a few days.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay-dokey! Lead the way, garcon!

They walk off, following the bellhop.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

INT. -WORLD FAMOUS WALDORF HOTEL – DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR THANDE, MIRROR KIT, MIRROR WEAPON M, and MIRROR MATT come in looking like they own the place.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Right. We need some rooms.

MIRROR WEAPON M
Leave that to me.

MIRROR WEAPON M strolls over to hotel counter. DIFFERENT SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE glances up.

DIFFERENT SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Hey! You! What do you-

MIRROR WEAPON M grabs hold of D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE around neck and brings him close to his face.

MIRROR WEAPON M
Rooms! Now!

D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(barely able to breathe but still relentlessly determined to do his job)
Urk–pay-pay–payment?…

MIRROR WEAPON M
(raising eyebrows in surprise)
(saying word the same way that you would say a foreign word the first time you hear it)
Pay-ment?
(Blinks eyes)
You actually want us to… pay?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
I like this guy!
He’s either completely insane or a complete asshole!
(Beat)
He’ll fit in well among us….
(turning to KIT)
Pay the man!

KIT reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out a fistful of diamond rings–some of which still have fingers attached– and drops them onto counter.

D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE stares in disbelief at the pile in front of him. He slowly hands over four keys to the MIRROR Gang. They stroll off, following a bellhop.

INT. – LUXURIOUS HOTEL ROOM – DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT and MIRROR LANDSHARK walk into room and glance around. The room is absolutely magnificent. Bellhop stands by as they admire the view. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT notices the bellhop waiting expectantly for his tip.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Oh dear–where are my manners?
Landshark–can you take care of the young man?

MIRROR LANDSHARK walks over to the bellhop, smacks him over the head with a large club that he pulled out of his coat and carries the stunned bellhop to a window. With a practiced flick of his wrist, he opens the window with one hand and throws bellhop out the window with his other hand. A scream can be heard trailing off into the distance, followed by a loud splash. MIRROR LANDSHARK raises an eyebrow in confused annoyance and looks out the window.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Fuck! He landed in the pool!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Meh–better luck next time…

INT. – LUXURIOUS HOTEL CORRIDOR – DAY

We see an EMPLOYEE painting the wall with blue paint. Coming down the corridor is DOCTOR WHAT, carrying an ice bucket and humming (very badly) “Light My Fire”. EMPLOYEE reaches over with his brush to put into the bucket just as DOCTOR WHAT passes by–hitting him full on the face with the paintbrush. DOCTOR WHAT screams and drops the ice bucket as the EMPLOYEE frantically and apologetically tries to clean him up….

INT. – LUXURIOUS HOTEL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT are sitting at a table drinking some tea. DOCTOR WHAT storms into room. He still has traces of blue paint all over his face and goatee. He doesn’t look very happy.

LANDSHARK
Oy! What the hell happened to you?

KIT
Yeah! You look like you just gave a blowjob to a Smurf!
(Ponders this image for a moment
–slowly develops a huge grin at the thought)

LANDSHARK edges away from KIT

DOCTOR WHAT
(barely able to contain his anger–each word is practically spit out)
Paint. On. Face. Going. To. Wash. Face.
(Walks into bathroom-shutting door behind him)

KIT
Well!

INT. – LUXURIOUS HOTEL BATHROOM – DAY

There are soggy towels and half-used soap bars scattered about. DOCTOR WHAT is looking at his face in the mirror. There are still traces of bright blue paint still stuck on his goatee.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering beneath his breath)
What the hell do these guys put in their paint?
(looks at himself in the mirror again)
(deep sigh)
Guess I’m going to have to shave it off…

DOCTOR WHAT rummages around the drawers and finds a shaving kit and proceeds to get to work on his goatee

INT. – LUXURIOUS HOTEL CORRIDOR – DAY

There are two elevators at the far end of the corridor, number one being on the camera’s left. A side corridor branches off on either side. There are four doors on each side of the corridor. On the camera’s left, starting at the door nearest the camera, are 1, 3, 5, and 7. On the camera’s right, starting at the door nearest the camera, are doors 2, 4, 6, and 8. There are various small tables or shelves between each door holding plants and vases and so forth. DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 7, self-consciously rubbing his clean-shaven face. There’s a few small pieces of toilet paper stuck to various nicks on his face. He walks towards the elevators. Elevator number one opens. DOCTOR WHAT goes into it.

Just as the doors close, elevator two opens, revealing MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT. He’s carrying a large (and half-empty) bottle of scotch. He takes a generous gulp from the bottle and walks into room 8. Coming around the corner of the left-hand side corridor is MIRROR KIT (still in his black leather bondage gear) . He walks over to room 2 and reaches for his hotel key. He’s having a bit of trouble getting his key out of his pocket. Elevator number one opens and we see KIT coming out. He goes to room 5 and spots MIRROR KIT, who has his back to him. He takes a long admiring look at MIRROR KIT’s behind. MIRROR KIT finally gets his key out and walks into his room. KIT smiles and shakes his head and goes into room 5.

LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF come out of room 1 and go to the elevators. Their backs are to us as they wait for the elevator. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out of room 4 and starts to walk to the elevators. He stops, smacks his forehead with the palm of his hand and goes back into his room. Elevator number one opens to reveal DOCTOR WHAT, now carrying an ice bucket. He waves at LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF as they pass each other. LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF go into the elevator. DOCTOR WHAT goes to room 7 as elevator doors close. Just as DOCTOR WHAT is about to open his hotel room, he spots on the wall a Van Gogh-ish painting. He stares at it for a moment, self-consciously stroking his (now non-existent) goatee. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out of room 4, holding a taser gun that he then puts into his pocket. He spots DOCTOR WHAT staring at the painting and gives him a quick pat on the back as he keeps walking down the corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT turns in surprise to see the back of MIRROR LANDSHARK turn the corner and go down the right-hand side corridor. DOCTOR WHAT stares in confusion at this for a few seconds, then shrugs his shoulders and goes into his room. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 8 carrying a now-empty scotch bottle. He non-chalently puts the empty bottle on a small shelf next to his room and walks to the elevators. Elevator number two opens and he walks in. Elevator number one opens to reveal ABDUL HADI PASHA, WEAPON M and MATT. ABDUL knocks on room 5 and is greeted by KIT, who lets him into the room. WEAPON M and MATT go into room 3 and shut the door behind them. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT come out of room 6 and go to the elevators. Elevator number two opens to reveal MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, now holding a full bottle of scotch. He waves at the two of them and goes into room 8 as MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT go into elevator two.

MIRROR THANDE comes out of room 4, reading a newspaper. He goes to elevators. He’s holding the paper in front of him and is absolutely engrossed in one article. Elevator number one opens to reveal LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF. Still holding the paper in front of his face, MIRROR THANDE passes by LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF without either one of them seeing him. LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF walk into room 1. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes around from the right hand corridor and walks into room 4. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 8 carrying a half-empty bottle of scotch and goes to the elevators. Elevator one opens and he goes in.

Just as the elevator doors shut, DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 7 and walks towards the elevators. An attractive looking redhead female wearing a short skirt walks out from the right hand side corridor, stops and bends over to adjust her shoe. DOCTOR WHAT turns his back to the elevators and stares appreciatively at this sight and fails to notice elevator one opening. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT come out of the elevator and see the female bending over and give an appreciative smile and nod and walk towards their room. DOCTOR WHAT turns and spots elevator one doors just about to close and rushes in, just barely making it through before the doors close. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT go into room 6.

LANDSHARK comes out of room 1 just as MIRROR LANDSHARK come out of room 4. They spot each other. Long pause as they stare at each other in astonishment. MIRROR LANDSHARK is the first to react and leaps at LANDSHARK, tackling him and knocking him backwards back into room 1. Various sounds of fighting can be heard from the room. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out backwards from room 1. Both LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are wrestling with him and all three of them smash into room 4, knocking it open and falling through it. WEAPON M and MATT open room 3 at the same time that MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT open room 6. All four of them stare at each other for a moment in complete astonishment and confusion.

The MIRROR versions are the first to react, each pulling out a big handgun. WEAPON M and MATT instinctively react and try to knock the guns out of their counterpart’s hands with some karate-like moves. Both guns get knocked out and the four of them go at each other in hand to hand combat, each fighting with their counterparts. The two WEAPON M’s stumble into room 3 while the two MATT’s wrestle each other through room 6. KIT and ABDUL open room 5 at the same moment that MIRROR KIT opens room 2. They stare at each other in astonishment for a moment. MIRROR KIT is the first to react by smiling broadly (showing all of his sharp teeth) and tackling KIT and ABDUL and knocking them into room 5.

GREY WOLF, LANDSHARK and MIRROR LANDSHARK stumble out of room 4 and collapse in a heap on the floor. MIRROR LANDSHARK gets up and rushes towards the elevator. LANDSHARK gets up. He spots the empty bottle of scotch on a shelf, picks it up and throws it at the receding MIRROR LANDSHARK. MIRROR LANDSHARK suddenly turns and runs down the right hand side corridor at the precise moment that elevator two opens to show MIRROR DR.WHAT walking out, holding a nearly empty bottle of scotch. The empty scotch bottle thrown by LANDSHARK hits MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT on the forehead, knocking him flat on his face, unconscious.

The still intact scotch bottle bounces on the floor. LANDSHARK rushes after the MIRROR LANDSHARK down the corridor while GREY WOLF rushes over to the unconscious MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT. The two WEAPON M’s stumble out of room 3 and are wrestling on the floor when the two MATT’s come out of room 6 and smash up against a wall. MIRROR MATT grabs a vase from a nearby shelf and hits MATT on the side of the head, knocking him unconscious. With a snarl, MIRROR MATT turns his attention on the two fighting WEAPON M’s. He grabs WEAPON M in a choke hold and pulls WEAPON M off of MIRROR WEAPON M. MIRROR WEAPON M slowly gets up and starts beating on WEAPON M with a vengeance. ABDUL, KIT and MIRROR KIT stumble out of room 5. MIRROR KIT is losing the fight but he’s biting both KIT and ABDUL, inflicting some serious cuts on the both of them. GREY WOLF spots the almost empty bottle of scotch that the MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT dropped and picks it up and rushes towards the aid of his companions. He wallops MIRROR KIT over the head with the bottle, knocking him stunned to the floor. ABDUL and KIT rush towards the aid of WEAPON M; KIT tackles MIRROR MATT while ABDUL tackles MIRROR WEAPON M.

WEAPON M slowly gets up off the ground and tries, with some difficulty, to stand up. LANDSHARK comes running around the right hand side corridor with a look of terror on his face. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes around the corner, carrying a BFG. He fires a shot that puts a two foot wide hole in a wall as LANDSHARK dives for cover. Everyone in the corridor does the same–all except WEAPON M, who grabs a vase from a shelf and throws it at MIRROR LANDSHARK. MIRROR LANDSHARK dives out of the way, firing another round from his BFG. This time WEAPON M dives for cover while everyone else still semi-conscious does the same. The BFG round puts a 2 foot hole in another wall, spraying debris and dust and smoke everywhere. The two elevator doors open, showing DOCTOR WHAT coming out of elevator two and MIRROR THANDE coming out of elevator one. They see each other just as the vase that WEAPON M threw hits DOCTOR WHAT in the head, knocking him backwards into the elevator, unconscious. MIRROR THANDE leaps into the elevator after DOCTOR WHAT. While keeping the door open with one hand, he pulls out a small metal sphere with his other hand and throws it down the corridor.

MIRROR THANDE
(screaming)
We are outta here!

MIRROR LANDSHARK fires another round from his BFG, causing assorted AH.COMers to dive, roll or jump through open doorways for cover. The MIRROR counterparts slowly get up and stagger or are dragged towards the elevators just as the metal sphere MIRROR THANDE threw starts releasing a noxious looking yellow smoke, quickly filling the entire corridor. The entire MIRROR gang pile into elevator two, carrying with them the unconscious DOCTOR WHAT. The camera pans over to the unconscious MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, still face down on the floor.

END OF ACT 1

ACT 2

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP MED BAY – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is lying on a bed. Slowly he opens his eyes and tries to get up off the bed.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
Don’t move

DOCTOR WHAT looks up at MIRROR TORQUMADA for the first time. MIRROR TORQ has–what else? – a goatee. Nearly the entire left side of his face as been replaced by cybernetic parts. In addition, his right arm is also cybernetic in appearance–where his hand would be, there are an amalgamation of various medical looking instruments, including a rather obscenely large curved scalpel.

MIRROR TORQ stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a moment. A very wide red laser beam shoots out from his left cybernetic eye and scans up and down DOCTOR WHAT for a few seconds. MIRROR TORQ closes his (human) eye for a few seconds.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
(speaking very slowly, as if he is reading off a screen)
heart rate 68….b.p. 120/75…
recent subdural hematoma healing nicely…
indications of previous brain damage
caused by repeated blows to the head,
especially to the frontal lobe…

DOCTOR WHAT
(still staring in shock at MIRROR TORQ’s appearance)
Gaaaaaa-aaaah?

MIRROR TORQUMADA
I recommend that you rest
for a few more hours before
going to the bridge.

MIRROR TORQUMADA turns and leaves the Med Bay. DOCTOR WHAT just stares at him in disbelief as he departs. DOCTOR WHAT slowly gets off the bed and walks towards the Med Bay doors. He opens the door, peeks around the corner in both directions and, hesitantly, wanders off down a corridor.
—

INT. -AH.COM SHIP MED BAY –– DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is lying on a bed. Voices can be heard O.S.

LANDSHARK
God–do you have any idea how much trouble
we had getting back here?

MATT
Well–it would have gone faster
if a certain someone hadn’t forgotten
the keys to the shuttle back at the hotel….

LANDSHARK
(mockingly)
Well–excuuuuuse me for being a little pressed for time!
After all–it wasn’t like an entire hotel corridor
wasn’t completely trashed by psychopathic doubles
of ourselves who then opened up a canister of tear gas
that ended up hospitalizing over 50 other guests who then
called the cops on us, forcing us to rip off a taxicab and
have a running gun battle with 25 police cars all the way to the shuttle!
(screaming at this point)
Oh yeah–you didn’t know about all that cause you were unconscious
at the time and we had to haul your ass back too!

ABDUL HADI PASHA comes between the two of them.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Knock it off the both of you! We’re back here in one piece! That’s all that counts, ok!

LANDSHARK and MATT calm down a bit and look slightly embarrassed. Very faint “He started it” “Did not” “Did too” can be heard from the two of them.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
TORQ, how is he?

TORQUMADA
Severe concussion to the head.
I fixed the subdural hematoma.
He should be ok but I recommend
him getting some more sleep for a few hours.

ABDUL nods his head and walks out of the Med Bay. LANDSHARK and MATT walk out behind him. Extremely faint “Did not” “Did too” can be heard from the two of them as they walk out.

TORQUMADA runs a few more scans on MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT and then goes off into the lab next door, closing the door behind him.

Close up: MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT’S face

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT opens his eyes. It’s obvious that he has been awake this whole time. He sits up on the bed. Stares at lab door that TORQ just left through. Looks around the Med Bay–spots a computer terminal on a desk. Smiles and slowly gets off the bed and walks towards the terminal. Hesitantly, he types in a few commands. The computer gives some acknowledging beeps. He smiles again and sits down, as he starts to read something of great interest on the screen.

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP -CORRIDOR –DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is walking down a corridor. It’s obvious from his expression that he’s having trouble believing what he’s seeing. He stops suddenly when he hears voices coming from a nearby open doorway. Cautiously, he walks towards the doorway

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP -REC ROOM – DAY

An open doorway can be seen in the background. Seated at a table in the foreground are MIRROR THANDE, MIRROR MATT and MIRROR WEAPON M. They are talking amongst themselves. In the background, we see DOCTOR WHAT poke his head around the edge of the open doorway.

MIRROR THANDE
…-loroform is the way to go!

MIRROR MATT
Oh–you and your radioactive chloroform!
I say we go with nukes!

MIRROR WEAPON M
Nah! Guns is the way to go!
We find a few of the more crazier groups
and give them a whole shitload of BFGs!
And then we give their enemies the same!

Argument begins to ensue between the three of them.

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP -CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT listens to all this in shock. A hand suddenly clasps his right shoulder, causing DOCTOR WHAT to give a little yelp.

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP -CORRIDOR –– DAY –DIFFERENT ANGLE

MIRROR KIT
(relieved happiness)
Hey Doc! You’re up!
Hey everyone–Doc’s awake!

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP -REC ROOM – DAY

A halfhearted “yay” is issured by the MIRROR crew. They go back to arguing.

MIRROR KIT
I really missed you!
(Smiles -showing all of his pointy teeth)

DOCTOR WHAT looks like he’s about to pass out.

Alarm begins to sound. Red flashing light appears on a nearby wall.

MIRROR LEO
(repeating over and over)
All crew to their posts!
All crew to their posts!

MIRROR KIT
(dragging DOCTOR WHAT)
Come on! The bridge!

DOCTOR WHAT is dragged down the corridor as various other MIRROR crew scurry about.

–

INT. -AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE –– DAY

LANDSHARK, MATT, WEAPON M, ABDUL HADI PASHA, KIT and GREY WOLF are sitting at various stations. A pair of large fuzzy pink foam dice is hanging from the ceiling.

GREY WOLF
Leo–any luck in finding out where our counterparts came from?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. Logically speaking,
it is reasonable to assume that they came
from another ship but scans continue
to show up empty. I really can’t explain it….

KIT
I’m sure you’re doing your best, Leo….

MATT
What I want to know is what do we do if and when we find them?

WEAPON M
Isn’t it obvious? We blow them up!

General sounds of agreement from everyone in the room, except for KIT and ABDUL, who just look at each other. ABDUL rolls his eyes theatrically.

INT. -AH.COM SHIP MED BAY – DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is still at the computer terminal, typing frantically. He stops with a smile and pulls out a small communicator from his pocket.

—

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE –– NIGHT

MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR MATT, and MIRROR WEAPON M are running to various stations. A pair of large fuzzy purple foam dice is hanging from the ceiling. MIRROR KIT comes in, dragging a reluctant DOCTOR WHAT with him.

MIRROR KIT
What’s going on?

MIRROR LEO
I have detected another AH.COM ship in Earth’s orbit!

General ‘WTF?’ expressions from everyone in the room.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
The other us?–uh–them–uh-they?–uh–ah– fuck it….

MIRROR MATT
What are you waiting for, Leo? Blow them up!

MIRROR LEO
Impossible to do so–they have their defensive shields up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(relieved)
Oh–thank God!

Reaction shot from everyone as they stare at DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly realizing that he spoke out loud)
Uh…um…I mean…thank God for that!….cause…cause…
(totally grasping for some kind of inspiration)
…cause…cause that… just gives me an opportunity to…to…to..
(inspiration hits)
-to try out my new Secret Weapon!
(inspiration really begins to flow)
Yes! My Super Secret Weapon that
I’ve been working secretly on all this time! At last!
(really getting into the flow)
Soon–the entire multiverse will tremble at the might of my…
(flow suddenly stops)
…of my…of my…er..
(hesitantly and very reluctantly)
A-tom-ic.. Cos-mic…. Pen-guins…?…

Entire MIRROR crew are staring at DOCTOR WHAT in disbelief.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er…
mwhahahahaha-hahahahaahaaha…?

MIRROR crew all smile and nod at one another. General cries of ‘That’s the Doc we know’, ‘He’s back!’, ‘Yea!’ and so forth can all be heard.

–

INT. – AH.COM SHIP MED BAY – DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is still at the computer terminal. He types in a few more commands, nods his head and picks up the communicator.

–

INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE –– NIGHT

MIRROR LEO
Just a moment…just a moment please…
I am receiving a transmission…from….DOCTOR WHAT?

Reaction shot from entire MIRROR crew as they stare at DOCTOR WHAT in confusion.

MIRROR LEO
Transmission coming in now….
This is DOCTOR WHAT.
I am calling you from the other ah.com ship.
I have successfully hacked into the main computer
and I will be able to disrupt most of their systems
in a just a few minutes. We will be able to capture the ship
and crew intact with a little bit of luck.
Please acknowledge.

Entire MIRROR crew stare in anger at DOCTOR WHAT, who just sheepishly grins back.

DOCTOR WHAT
uh…uh…look! Behind you!
(points finger at spot in the far corner of the room)
A naked Alyson Hannigan look-a-like! Bouncing on a trampoline!

All in the bridge turn to look–all except MIRROR KIT

DOCTOR WHAT
(realizing his goof)
uh….and a tall naked Italian guy! With green eyes!

MIRROR KIT
(turning to look)
(excitedly)
Where? Where?

DOCTOR WHAT runs out of the bridge. A few seconds later, the MIRROR crew give chase.
–

INT. – AH.COM SHIP MED BAY –– DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT presses a button on terminal.

INT. -LEO A.I. MAIN COMPUTER CORE –DAY

LEO CAESIUS’s main computer core looks like a giant mirrored ball. Suddenly, large blue sparks erupt along the surface of the core.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE-NIGHT

Lights and various computer systems start shutting down.

EXT. -AH. COM SHIP – NIGHT

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly go dark along the entire length of the ship.

–
INT. -MIRROR AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT running frantically down a corridor. He turns a corner and spots sign MAIN SHUTTLE BAY. Wheezing for breath, he heads towards the Bay.

–

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- NIGHT

It’s pitch dark. We hear confused shouting and screaming for a few seconds. When the crew speaks, we don’t actually see them (dark, remember?) –only hear them.

LANDSHARK
What the hell is happening?

GREY WOLF
Some kind of computer virus just knocked out Leo!

MATT
Don’t we have back-up systems?

GREY WOLF
We should! KIT! Help MATT! Station 4!

Sounds of running footsteps to a different part of the bridge.

KIT
What do I do?

MATT
There should be a lever near your right hand!

KIT
Right!

Sudden shriek of pain.

MATT
(high pitched voice)
That’s NOT a lever!

KIT
..sorry…
(sound of a lever being pulled)

Emergency lights turn on throughout the bridge.

LANDSHARK
Leo is still off-line!

GREY WOLF
Give it a few minutes!

LANDSHARK
Engineering Room! What’s happening down there?

INT.- AH. COM SHIP ENGINEERING ROOM- NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
Everything’s kaput!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(screaming)
The Shift Engines are becoming unstable!
We’re all going to die!

GBW
(contemplatively)
Hang on–if we bypass the quantum phase-modulator arrays
in the plasma conduits, thereby frequency-limiting the gravimetric fluctuations,
it could hopefully induce a soliton harmonic attenuation grid
over the triassic subresonance field, which would nullify
the antideuteron injector assembly’s Heisenberg destabilizers
and could potentially cause a cascading magneton collapse
in the ambivulent bivationary falvebarms, thereby giving us
a full system restart.

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN stare open-mouthed at GBW.

Very long pause.

DAVE HOWERY
(to Psychomeltdown)
(sotto voce)
You think he’s bluffing?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shrugs shoulders)
I don’t know.

DAVE HOWERY
Do it!

They do the…whatever….and lights turn on in Engineering.

EXT. -AH. COM SHIP – NIGHT

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly turn back on along the entire length of the ship.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP MED BAY- NIGHT

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is fiddling around with a power conduit when the system goes back on–shocking him unconscious.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- NIGHT

All the lights and equipment turn back on. Ah.com crew rush to their stations.

GREY WOLF
Hey! We’ve got a shuttle coming our way!
It looks like one of ours! It’s sending a distress signal!

LANDSHARK
What the hell? Bring it into the shuttlebay!
Everybody–grab weapons–
we’re going to meet that pilot!

INT.- AH. COM SHIP MED BAY- DAY

Sitting on two chairs are the two DOCTOR WHATs. LANDSHARK, MATT, WEAPON M and KIT are all standing in front of them with weapons aimed at them. TORQ is running scan after scan over them.

TORQUMADA
There’s just no way to tell them apart!

MATT
There’s got to be a way!

LANDSHARK
I say we just shoot both of them.

MATT
We can’t do that! He’s our…uh…that is…
we need him for…uh…-well–we just can’t!

WEAPON M
There’s gotta be a way. Maybe we can quiz them?

TORQUMADA
Not going to work–I checked the computer–
someone accessed our log entries and
transmitted it to the other ship during all the confusion.
They know everything about us now.
The What who came on the shuttle
could have been the one who did that.

KIT
Or maybe the one we had here all along
is the fake one, like he said.

WEAPON M
That reminds me–Leo!
How come you weren’t able to spot
the other ship before now?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, the thing about a black ship –
it’s main distinguishing feature –
is it’s black. And the thing about space—
he color of space–your basic space color –
is it’s black. So how was I suppose to see them?

Ah.comers stare at one another in confusion.

LEO CAESIUS
Did I mention that several of my…
er…whatchamacallit?–logic circuits–got damaged.
My short-term memory has been erased.
This, I ascribe to the massive magnetic burst I received.
Secondly, due to the magnetic burst, my short term memory
appears to have been erased. This, combined with the
erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little
disoriented..Would you like a cookie?

LANDSHARK
We are going to die…..

MATT
I think he’s going to be okay in a few hours–
those backup circuits just need a bit of time to kick in, that’s all…

LANDSHARK
So what do we do about them?

WEAPON M
There has to be a way to tell them apart!

KIT
I think I know a way!

KIT has a hushed whisper with the other members as TORQ keeps a weapon trained on the two WHATs.. LANDSHARK, MATT and WEAPON M nod and with a very satisfied smirk on their faces take up positions around the two WHATs.with their weapons aimed at them.

KIT
(standing in front of the two DOCTOR WHATs)
I’m going to ask one question –
and I want the two of you to answer truthfully at the same time.
Ready?
(takes a deep breath)
Paris Hilton-babe or skank?

LEFTHAND DOCTOR WHAT
Skank!

RIGHTHAND DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-babe!

LANDSHARK, MATT and WEAPON M smile and nod at one another. They open fire with their BFGs at LEFTHAND DOCTOR WHAT, blowing him backwards out of the chair and on to the ground.

KIT
(smiling to other DOCTOR WHAT)
Welcome back!

SURVIVING DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at AH.commers with murder in his eyes)
(very long beat)
THAT was your big plan?
An entire life and death decision–on that question?

LANDSHARK
Hey–it worked didn’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
(getting off of chair)
You are so going to–

MATT
Hey–where did he go?

They look at spot where MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT was. All there is now is a large pool of dried blood and some footsteps that lead out a side exit. TORQ runs some scans on the blood.

TORQUMADA
What the-nanobots?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nanobots? Oh please–that is so cliche…

LEO CAESIUS
Rude alert! Rude alert!
A shuttle is being stolen!
This is not a daffodil!
Repeat: This is not a daffodil!

LANDSHARK
(rolls eyes)
Well, thankfully Leo’s back to normal…

EXT.-AH. COM SHIP – DAY

A shuttle flies away at high speed.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

LANDSHARK, GREY WOLF, MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA and DOCTOR WHAT come rushing in and take up positions at various stations.

GREY WOLF
Hey! The other ship! It’s coming straight at us!

LANDSHARK
Are they nuts? We still have our defense system up!

INT.- MIRROR AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR WEAPON M, MIRROR MATT, MIRROR KIT and MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT are at various stations.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
This is nuts! They still have their defense system up!
We’re too evenly matched!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Relax Sharkie–I have a plan
(pulls out communicator–pushes button)

INT.- AH. COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

CLOSE-UP of the power conduit that MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT was working on when he got shocked. A small device is attached to a wire. It explodes.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

Lights and system shut off–again.

EXT. -AH. COM SHIP – DAY

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly go dark-again- along the entire length of the ship.

INT.- MIRROR AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Launch missiles!

EXT. -MIRROR AH. COM SHIP – DAY

Four missiles are launched from ship and head directly towards helpless ah.com ship

INT.- AH. COM SHIP ENGINEERING ROOM- DAY

DAVE HOWERY
GBW–do that–whatever it is you did last time!

GBW

I’m trying! It’s not working!

EXT. -AH. COM SHIP – DAY

Four missiles are closing in rapidly.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP ENGINEERING ROOM- DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We are going to die!

DAVE HOWERY
(frantically pulling levers and switches to no avail)
We’ve only got ten seconds until those missiles hit!

Two large hands grab HOWERY and push him aside. The hands belong to IRONYUPPIE, who is holding a very large sledgehammer in her hands.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh–Ironyuppie-I don’t think–

IRONYUPPIE swings her sledgehammer toward the power generator–

EXT. -AH. COM SHIP- DAY

Four missiles are just about to hit the ah.com ship

INT.- AH. COM SHIP ENGINEERING ROOM- DAY

–and the sledgehammer hits the generator with a deafening TWHACK–

EXT. -MIRROR AH. COM SHIP – DAY

Four missiles explode in a massive and spectacular explosion. As the fiery explosion slowly fades, we see the AH.com ship.

Unharmed.

And at full power.

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned look)
Shit–we’re still alive?

INT.- MIRROR AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned look)
Oh shit–they’re still alive!

EXT. -DEEP SPACE –DAY

AH.COM SHIP comes flying at full power at MIRROR AH.COM SHIP with all of its weapons and missiles firing. Some of the shots actually hit MIRROR AH.COM SHIP

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

MATT
(having the time of his life)
Eat particle beams, asshats!

EXT. -DEEP SPACE – DAY

MIRROR AH.COM SHIP is getting severely pounded by the AH.COM SHIP and decides to make a run for it. AH.COM SHIP is in hot pursuit

INT.- AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Incoming transmission from the other ship!

DOCTOR WHAT
Put it on!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll meet again! We’ll have our revenge!
Mwhaaa-haaa-haaa—
(starts coughing uncontrollably)

Transmission ends.

EXT. -DEEP SPACE – DAY

Suddenly we see a huge swirling blue vortex open up in front of MIRROR AH.COM SHIP. It flies through and vortex quickly closes before the AH.COM SHIP can follow.

END OF ACT 2

TAG

INT.- AH. COM SHIP REC ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, LANDSHARK, and GREY WOLF are seated around a large poker table playing, er, poker. There is a large thick soundproof glass window along one wall that shows the outside corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know–this opens up fascinating possibilities.

MATT
(focusing on his cards)
Huh? What does?

DOCTOR WHAT
Our whole adventure.
Think about it! Those guys were
evil versions of ourselves!
Think what other weird variations
of ourselves could be out there?

LANDSHARK
How about one that plays cards?

While they talk, MICHAEL can be seen walking behind glass window from left to right. He stops in middle of screen. STRAHA comes running from right hand side, grabs MICHAEL and frantically gestures in direction he just came from and runs to left hand side of screen and off-screen. MICHAEL turns to stare at STRAHA, then turns back and faces right hand side. A look of sheer terror appears on MICHAEL’s face. A large multi-tentacled alien monster comes into view and grabs hold of MICHAEL.MICHAEL scratches frantically at glass window but none of the crew see or hear him. STRAHA, G.BONE and DMA appear from the left side of the screen. They attack the monster.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at LANDSHARK)
(contemplatively)
You know–I actually liked you with the goatee–
it added character

LANDSHARK
Forget it!
No way I’m wearing one of those things!
(Staring at DOCTOR WHAT)
Speaking of which–
don’t tell me you’re going to grow another goatee!

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
And what’s wrong with growing a goatee?
I find that it adds–

LANDSHARK
(rolling his eyes)
–yeah-yeah–character.

Monster is now using MICHAEL as an improvised club and using him to beat up G.BONE, DMA and STRAHA. GBW and OTHNIEL come running in from the left hand side carrying weapons and start hacking at the monster. It looks like a pretty evenly matched fight.

LANDSHARK
(continuing)
All I know is that I’m glad that
things around here are back to normal!

THANDE comes in from the left hand side of the screen carrying a flamethrower….

ALL
You said it! –

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS