TEASER

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

We hear a pained groan and see a figure shambling down the dim corridor. It is FLOCCULENCIO, apparently just awakened. LUAKEL and MICHAEL are watching him.

FLOCCULENCIO
Graaargh…booze…

LUAKEL
What’s wrong with him?!

MICHAEL
He’s hungover. And I’ve hidden his
curative Satanic Appletini Flask…
heheheh…check this out.

He holds a plate of crispy-fried streaky bacon out towards FLOCCULENCIO who turns green and recoils into the nearest room, THANDE’s Lab.

FLOCCULENCIO
Need…hangover…cure…

He thrashes around until his hand rests on a beaker of glowing green liquid, marked with a skull and crossbones.

FLOCCULENCIO
What’s this???
(squints)
Life giving appletini!

He gulps the entire beaker down, looks quizzically at it, burps and collapses. MICHAEL and LUAKEL are still watching him. LUAKEL nudges the fallen FLOCCULENCIO with his sneaker.

LUAKEL
Shouldn’t we help him?

MICHAEL
Yeah, right. And get accused
of killing him.

He drags LUAKEL off, closing the door quietly behind them. THANDE, enters the lab from another door.

THANDE
(seeing FLOCCULENCIO)
Why can’t these idiots stay out of my lab.

He kicks FLOCCULENCIO meditatively.

THANDE
Well, I suppose we’d better
get you to TORQUMADA…

He trails off as he notices FLOCCULENCIO’s eyes have opened. His eyes flicker over to the green residue left on the floor.

THANDE
(shocked)
Oh no…not the virus.

FLOCCULENCIO begins to growl

THANDE
This is not going to end well…

As the camera fades to black we notice that FLOCCULENCIO’s eyes are glowing bright red. Over black we hear a snarl and then horrified screams from THANDE.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“BLAME THANDE”

Written By : FLOCCULENCIO & MICHAEL

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT fast asleep in his command chair. LEO emits a polite beep. DOCTOR WHAT ignores it. LEO emits a thunderous honk.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Wassat? Wassup?!
Why’d you have to be so loud?
Oh, god. My ears.

LEO
I’ve been beeping for an entire day and
I finally got bored. You were out for like
twenty eight hours. Well. Anyway. Captain.
I must inform you that approximately
twenty four hours ago, a shuttle was launched.

DOCTOR WHAT
I authorized no such thing!
(beat)
Did I?

IRONYUPPIE
(entering the room at the head of many other crew members)
Yeah, like that’s ever stopped anyone
before. Has anyone seen LANDSHARK?

MICHAEL
SOME BASTARD STOLE MY HAT!

TORQUMADA
I can’t find THANDE anywhere…
his lab’s a mess too.

LUAKEL
(also entering)
Has anyone seen KIT? He told me
he’d give me some special training.

Everyone falls silent and looks uncomfortably at LUAKEL

LUAKEL
What? Did someone die?
Besides FLOCCULENCIO, I mean.

TORQUMADA
FLOCCULENCIO’s dead? Why wasn’t I informed?!
The organ monste…I mean (Organ Replacement Farm)
needs a constant supply of fresh material!

DOCTOR WHAT
Calm down, it can go
without food for a few hours

TORQUMADA
That is the voice of ignorance talking

LEO
Heheheh…Doc…you so got burned.

Everyone falls silent and looks strangely at LEO’s monitor.

LEO
Ahem, well…my video surveillance records
show that the people who took the shuttle are,
in fact FLOCCULENCIO, THANDE,
LANDSHARK and KIT

DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell would they do that?

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom, portentuously)
You wanna know why?

They wait expectantly. DAVE does not continue.

IRONYUPPIE
Well?

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, sorry…well…
(he continues, still portentuously)
…three of them are Limeys and FLOCCULENCIO
(thinks) he’s a Limey. I don’t trust
them Limeys. Almost as bad as being Canadian.

GREY WOLF
(sadly)
Why wasn’t I invited?
(begins sobbing)
Was it because of my drunken rampages?

Long silence from everyone.

MICHAEL
Dave (does) have a point there.
Anyway, now we know FLOCCULENCIO’s
not dead. No harm, no foul.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait…why did you think he was dead?

LUAKEL
(excitedly)
Well he drank this green stuff-

PYCHOMELTDOWN
He’s always drinking green stuff.
It’s that appletini crap.

LUAKEL
No this was green stuff in THANDE’s lab!

TORQUMADA
(going pale)
Dear Ian…

He rushes off towards THANDE’s lab, the crew following him

INT- BUCKINGHAM PALACE- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seated on the throne, a crown perched jauntily on his head. Before him, THANDE and LANDSHARK, dressed in suits of red armour rise to address him. Their eyes are glowing red too. THANDE breaks into a rap.

THANDE
What is thy bidding, my master?

FLOCCULENCIO
It’s a disaster. Skywalker we’re after

THANDE
What if he could be turned to the Dark Side?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes! He’d be a powerful ally
Another Dark Jedi

THANDE
He will join us or die!

LANDSHARK
(interrupting through gritted teeth)
As much as it’s entertaining to hear the
Star Wars Rap five times in one day, perhaps
we should be concentrating on the Plan?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes, yes…how goes the Infection?

THANDE
It has worked perfectly- The Virus has spread
like wildfire, working on the DNA of the people
of this planet. As planned they have become
spineless and subservient to the English…and
hence, to us. The English have already got over
the initial moments of viciousness that help
transmit the virus through bites and
are ready and willing to serve.

LANDSHARK
The Empire shall rise again!
Muahahahaha!

FLOCCULENCIO
Good…good…you might want to
cut back on the maniacal laughter
a bit though- it’s strangely unsettling.

LANDSHARK
But I hear you doing it all the time

FLOCCULENCIO
Do as I say, not as I do.
Mwahahahahaa!!!

THANDE
Your Majesty…Viceroy KIT
has informed us that your American
subjects are protesting. They would
like their constitution back.

FLOCCULENCIO
We can have their country
nuked anytime, right? And
they can’t do anything about it?

LANDSHARK
Yes, my lord.

FLOCCULENCIO
Excellent. Excellent.
(rubs hands together in an evil way)
Then nothing is left to stop the
power of the Evil Movie-Villain
Englishmen! Muahahaha!

LANDSHARK
And pseudo-Englishmen.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes, well that goes without
saying. Now, to your duties.

As THANDE and LANDSHARK leave, FLOCCULENCIO pauses and picks up his phone. In the background we see LANDSHARK pausing and looking meditatively at FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
KIT? Here’s the new plan for the
American colonies- cancel the kitchen
scraps for lepers and orphans, no more
merciful imprisonments…and call off Christmas.

FLOCCULENCIO emerges onto his balcony to address an eagerly waiting crowd made up of Hollywood English Stereotypes. Cockney bootblacks, fops, dandies, chinless wonders and cruel, thin-lipped English officers in red coats cheer wildly.

FADE TO BLACK

INT- AH.COM SHIP- THANDE’S LAB- DAY

We see TORQUMADA fiddling with a machine that, presumably is analyzing the glowing green residue on the floor.

TORQUMADA
It’s as I feared.

LUAKEL
What is? Lemme see!

MICHAEL performs the Aussie Nerve Pinch on LUAKEL. It seems to have little effect so IRONYUPPIE just kicks the youth out the door.

TORQUMADA
Thank you, YUPPIE. It appears that THANDE
has distilled the common cold virus with the
essence of various notorious Hollywood portrayals
of English people into this liquid. I’m picking up
traces of Braveheart, Robin Hood,
Prince of Thieves) , King Arthur and…
dear Ian…The Patriot.

DOCTOR WHAT
So that means…

TORQUMADA
Yes! It’s the basis of an Infection that
transforms the English into ravening
tyrants and weakens the spines of all
other cultures! Since FLOCCULENCIO was the
first one infected, all the other Infected
will follow his orders.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nervously)
Uh…yeah…that’s what I
was going to say. Yeah.

MICHAEL
But the Poms always
(lose) in those movies.

LEO
(through intercom)
It might interest you to know that
my sensors indicate that Hollywood
was destroyed about eight hours ago.

TORQUMADA
Damn…

OTHNIEL
Why? I mean…yes it’s terrible
that (any) city got nuked…

STRAHA
Pussy.

OTHNIEL
(turning the other cheek)
…but why’s Hollywood so important?

TORQUMADA
Think, man! When did the
British Empire really start to decline?

OTHNIEL
Well…in the inter-war
period…oh sweet Lord!

TORQUMADA
Exactly…it was Hollywood’s rise
during that very time period that
sapped the tyrannical power of the British!

LUAKEL
(poking his head around the door)
I’m not sure how those two processes correlate.

IRONYUPPIE looks threateningly in LUAKEL’s direction

LUAKEL
(cowed)
I’ll be good!

TORQUMADA
So you see, without Real American
Hollywood Heroes™ to resist the
infection, the Limeys will be invincible.
I’ll get working on a vaccine…but there’s
nothing we can do for Hollywood. I
can only hope that a few stars have
survived the attack.

EXT- LONDON- DAY

We see a shot from above showing FLOCCULENCIO and THANDE driving across Tower Bridge in an open-topped Jaguar Roadster. Something is being dragged behind the car.

MADONNA
(being dragged)
But oi keep tellin’ you! Oi’m English!

They laugh and drive on to Trafalgar Square where LANDSHARK is patting a large cannon and looking self-satisfied.

FLOCCULENCIO
How goes the Cleansing of Yankees?

LANDSHARK
Delightfully well- I’ve just fired off
TOM CRUISE and my operatives are
rounding up KEVIN SPACEY as we speak.

FLOCCULENCIO
Nah- let KEVIN SPACEY live.
His stunning performances never
fail to bring a tear to my eye.

THANDE
You were crying when
he played DR. EVIL?

FLOCCULENCIO
(somewhat irritated)
Why do you always have to mess up
my dramatic pronouncements? Yes,
I was crying! I was crying from laughter!
Are you happy now?

THANDE
Quite. Thank you.

LANDSHARK
KIT called, by the way. He’s rounded
up a million slaves to begin the reinstatement
of ‘u’s to words such as honour, favour and
labour. Oh, yes and the bastard who designed
Microsoft Word’s spellchecker has been executed
for crimes against the English Language.

FLOCCULENCIO
Painfully?

LANDSHARK
And how! He was hung up by his figgin!

THANDE
How embarrassing.

FLOCCULENCIO
Huzzah!

THANDE
Huzzah!

LANDSHARK
Huzzah!
(addressing the cheering crowd of Stereotypes)
And now, our next celebrity
blast-off…Geri Halliwell!

THANDE
But she’s English!

FLOCCULENCIO
I know. I just don’t like her.

THANDE
Fair enough…who does?

EXT- NEW YORK- DAY

The camera POV zooms over the city. The Statue of Liberty is slowly being dismantled and Union Jack banners are hanging from many of the skyscrapers. We zoom in on the Empire State Building- only now a strange and disturbingly knob-like construction has been perched precariously at it’s pinnacle.

INT- KIT’S FORTRESS OF LOVE

A figure in armour similar to that of THANDE and LANDSHARK emerges from the shadows. It raises its visor and we can see that it is KIT. Unlike the other two, his armour is a lovely shade of pastel pink, as are his eyes. Beside him scampers Fellatio Nelson in nothing more than a leather thong

KIT
I trust that my…special orders…
were carried out.

FELLATIO
Oh yes, my lord Viceroy, I…
interviewed…the candidates…
personally.
(pause)
Do we really have to keep using the…
significant pauses? Everyone knows
what we’re…talking about.

KIT
It’s a fair point. Shall we start over?

FELLATIO
If you wish.

KIT
Thank you.

FELLATIO
No. Thank (you) .

KIT
Rather.

FELLATIO
Quite.

KIT
(tiring of this)
So where are my boy toys?

FELLATIO
Why, just where you requested
them to be, my Lord.

KIT
Eeeexcellent

He strides off towards a door marked with the disabled toilet symbol. From beyond we hear ALT-STRAHA

ALT-STRAHA
Man, first these goddamned Limeys
make me spend the whole morning
penciling in ‘u’s in books and then
they make me sit here in a disabled
toilet. Well, at least they nuked stuff.
Man, that was so cool! I love nukes!
(pause)
Hey…who’re you? What’s with that
gay armour, man? Hey. Hey!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

FADE TO BLACK over ALT-STRAHA’s screams and KIT’s heavy breathing.

INT- BUCKINGHAM PALACE- DAY

HIGHLANDER, DARKEST90 and ALT-WEAPON M are being untied from racks. The sort for torturing people, not the sort for holding dishes.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m glad KIT sent over your pathetic deputation/
Now you know that we will brook no negotiation.
(he pauses)
See what I did there? That was a rhyming couplet.

He grins, proudly.

ALT-WEAPON M
What about our Con-

THANDE
(interrupting)
Your Constitution’s pretty high already,
I’d think. The rack doesn’t seem to have
affected you much. You might want to
up your AC and your Dex though.

ALT-WEAPON M
Look, I was talking about the
Constitution! We want it reinstated!

HIGHLANDER
And the right to go about our daily
lives in sexy yet comfy furry suits!

ALT-WEAPON M
(to HIGHLANDER)
Look, will you just let me do the talking?
(to FLOCCULENCIO)
You can torture me all you want-
give me liberty or give me death!

DARKEST90
And at least three wives!

ALT-WEAPON M
Look, I can’t take this anymore- they’re
getting on my nerves. Just give me liberty
and give (them) death.

DARKEST90
Yeah! Wha-?

FLOCCULENCIO
You have chosen unwisely! THANDE!

THANDE stretches out his hand and makes a choking motion. Nothing happens. LANDSHARK curses softly under his breath.

LANDSHARK
(apologetically to ALT-WEAPON M)
I keep telling these idi- these (chaps)
that they don’t actually have Force powers.

ALT-WEAPON M
You think (you) have it bad? I was stuck
with these two for the whole plane trip over.

ALT-FLOCCULENCIO
I shall be merciful and grant you one concession.

ALT-WEAPON M
What?

FLOCCULENCIO
My government shall never infringe
on your inalienable right to arm bears.

ALT-WEAPON M
(disgustedly)
Just kill us and be done with it!

FLOCCULENCIO
(with an evil grin)
I think not…instead I’ll make sure all
of you receive proper medical attention.

A look of horror comes across ALT-WEAPON M’s face as he and the rest of the American prisoners are carefully loaded on to stretchers.

ALT-WEAPON M
No! I demand the right to pay outrageous
insurance premiums and then to find out
that my current injuries are not covered
by my policy, thus leading to crippling
debt, bankruptcy and repossession of my
widescreen!! Not socialized medicine!
Anything but thaaaaat…

His screams fade into the distance below the malicious cackling of LANDSHARK, THANDE and FLOCCULENCIO as we

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

MICHAEL limps in, zipping up his pants.

MICHAEL
Were suppositories really necessary Torq?

TORQUMADA
They are the only way of ensuring
that you actually take the vaccine.

MICHAEL
And some kind of needle that
you administer wouldn’t work?

DOCTOR WHAT
But suppositories are so much more enjoyable
(The crew all stare at him)
What? I hate needles, that’s all
(a beat)
It’s not that I enjoy putting things up my bum

IRONYUPPIE
You don’t complain when I do it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Losing his cool)
OK! Everyone stop undermining me right now!
(They all look at him slightly stunned)
Thank you, now, the situation is

LUAKEL
(interrupting)
TORQ explained the situation…

DOCTOR WHAT
(Cracks hand across LUAKEL’s face without missing a beat)
Yes, but he lacks my oratory skills

IRONYUPPIE
(Eyeing up TORQ)
I wouldn’t say that

DOCTOR WHAT
(Hurriedly continuing)
Right, go down to planet, grab FLOCCULENCIO, cure him,
and have everyone else cure him, because obviously
what we have here is a classic vampire situation,
easily resolved by killing the leader or instigator of the disease
(The crew look at each other uneasily)
Right…?
(The rest all quickly nod their heads)
Right.
(Walks out triumphantly)

MICHAEL
Oh Holy Sheep, does he not
know how viruses work?

LUAKEL
I don’t think he’s a real doctor…

HENDRYK
What are you all talking about?
Are you saying Doctor What is wrong?

TORQUMADA
Unbelievably so

MATT
(Mon dieu!) Will we tell him?

WEAPON M
He looked so happy and triumphant

IRONYUPPIE
I’m gonna tell him.

MATT
Not if I get there first

The crewmembers all run towards the door to destroy DOCTOR WHAT’s self esteem

FADE.

INT – THRONE ROOM – DAY

THANDE and LANDSHARK are guarding the empty throne, LANDSHARK turns to THANDE

LANDSHARK
I should be in charge

THANDE
Why you?

LANDSHARK
OK, we should be in charge

THANDE
For once you are not mistaken

LANDSHARK
(Getting angry)
What the hell does that mean?

THANDE
Nothing, I’m just saying that…

LANDSHARK
(Interrupting)
You Yorkshire bastard!
(Draw cricket bat from scabbard)
I’ll show you who’s wrong all the time!

THANDE
(Imploringly)
No, wait!

LANDSHARK
(Starts whaling on THANDE)
Have at thee!

FADE.

Over black THANDE’s screams can be heard, as well as the sound of cricket bat on flesh

INT – SHUTTLE – THE ATMOSPHERE CAN BE SEEN TO BE STREAMING PAST IT AT A FURIOUS RATE – DAY

MICHAEL
(Forced back into his seat from the g forces)
And to think we have a perfectly
functioning teleporter on the ship

LUAKEL
Teleporting makes me nauseous

MICHAEL
What would you know! This’ll be
like your first off world mission!

LUAKEL
Yeah, and I suppose your little
shopping trips don’t count?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Raising an eye)
“Shopping” Why would you
need to go shopping?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And why would you take Uurkel with you?

LUAKEL
What’s wrong with taking me along?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Just look at you.

LUAKEL
I’m confused…

TORQUMADA
Well it can’t have been for gifts
for your favourite Doctor

MATT
Do you mean to say that it was annual
“Buy something for THANDE day!”?
Shit! I completely forgot!
(To Michael)
You were meant to
remind me you bastard!

LUAKEL
(Confused)
What’s wrong with taking me along?

MICHAEL
And I would have, except it’s
not for another few months

TORQUMADA
I meant buy something for me!

MATT
(Confused)
Why would we do that?
You’ve never done
anything nice for us.

GBW
(Looking away from the controls for a second)
Well there was that one time he…
No wait, that was THANDE

MICHAEL
What about the time he helped me with…
Nope, THANDE again

MATT
THANDE rocks!

TORQUMADA
Hate. You. All.

Camera pans to outside of another shuttle, it is flying towards a burned out section of New York

DAVE HOWERY
New York?

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s wrong with New York?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, why can’t we go
anywhere nice, like Wyoming

The other members of the shuttle burst into laughter

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Patting DAVE on the back)
Good one DAVE, Wyoming,
heh heh heh

DAVE HOWERY
(Annoyed)
Who’s joking?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, you were serious… We’re
(Snickers)
Sorry…
(Under his breath)
Wyoming, hee hee

DAVE HOWERY
(Muttering)
I could just press the airlock button
and they’d all go sailing out…
(A beat)
But then again, who else would I
have to share my dream of
invading Canada with?
(Contemplates this)
Totally worth it

He goes to press the button, but it does nothing. He presses it again. And again. He starts pressing it as fast as he can, still nothing

DAVE HOWERY
Who broke the damn airlock button?

IRONYUPPIE
Oh that, we had to disable all the buttons
for when LUAKEL goes on any mission

DAVE HOWERY
But what if we really need to use it?

DOCTOR WHAT
What purpose would that serve DAVE?
Blasting us all out the air lock door?
I can’t let you do that DAVE.

DAVE HOWERY
Let me open the air lock door!

DOCTOR WHAT
You know I can’t do that DAVE

DAVE HOWERY just falls back into his chair and folds his arms.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway
(Activating communicator)
LEO, did any Hollywood heroes
survive The Destruction of Hollywood

LEO
Yes, but it was…

DOCTOR WHAT
(Interrupting)
Excellent, STRAHA, turn the shuttle
around and take us back to the ship,
we’ll leave this in their
potentially capable hands

LEO
(Over DOCTOR WHAT)
It was MADONNA!

DOCTOR WHAT
Really?

LEO
Yes, and last I saw, she was being dragged
behind a car, so she won’t be much help

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, Ian forbid we get an easy mission,
care free and non-life threatening. Sometimes
it seems we just get lumped into hellish
situations week after week

LEO
(Evilly)
Maybe if I was in charge….

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve had this discussion,
you’re far to sober to be captain.

FADE OUT on STRAHA piloting the shuttle as it careens towards the bottom of KIT’s fortress of love.

INT – FLOCCULENCIO’S THRONE ROOM – DAY

FLOCCULENCIO sees a body crumpled on the floor, rushes over.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Cradling THANDE’s head)
Sweet Appletini! THANDE, what happened!

THANDE
L…L…

FLOCCULENCIO
Lucille Ball? Talk sense, man, she’s
been dead for years! Unless…a zombie?

THANDE
L…L…

FLOCCULENCIO
Lions? Lynxes?
(hopefully)
Lesbians?

LANDSHARK
(Sitting on the throne, in full shadow)
It was I, you gormless nincompoop!
(Stands up, and is blinded by the light)
Gah! BRIGHT!
(Falls down the stairs)
(Recovers quickly upon landing)
There can only be one despotic
leader of England, FLOCCULENCIO!

FLOCCULENCIO
Shotgun!

LANDSHARK
Your witticisms can’t save you now
(Drawing cricket bat)
Nothing can…

FLOCCULENCIO
My mastery of the Force will!

FLOCCULENCIO Tries to force pull a sword off the wall, a look of intense concentration on his face

FLOCCULENCIO
(Straining to talk and focus at the same time)
Must… Succeed… For… Keira… Knightley… grr

The sword remains perfectly still. Every other object on the wall, however, has fallen off, and slightly moved towards FLOCCULENCIO

THANDE
It’s no use FLOCCULENCIO! He’s
blocking our force powers somehow!

LANDSHARK
(Screams in rage)
(Strides quickly towards FLOCCULENCIO, and twirling his cricket bat)
How many times must I tell you
(Hits FLOCCULENCIO in the temple)
You aren’t Jedi Knights
(Cracks FLOCCULENCIO over the skull)
Nor do you have force powers
(Slams FLOCCULENCIO across the face)
Nor will Keira Knightley save you
(Uppercuts FLOCCULENCIO sending him flying)
(In a booming tone)
NOTHING WILL!

FLOCCULENCIO
(FLOCCULENCIO rises, he is slightly unsteady and bleeding from his face)
My name is FLOCCULENCIO, You killed…no,
wounded, my…fri- my comra- no…
hmm…that’s a tricky one. How would
you describe our non professional
relationship, THANDE?

THANDE
Acquaintance?

LANDSHARK
Colleague?

FLOCCULENCIO
Familiar?

THANDE
Friendly shoulder in times of tears?

LANDSHARK
Intimate?

FLOCCULENCIO and THANDE
(At once)
Eww

FLOCCULENCIO
But close

THANDE
What?

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh, come on…I know how sexy I am

LANDSHARK
Ahem…can we get back to
the part where I kill you both?

FLOCCULENCIO
No, I’m fine with
stalling; THANDE?

THANDE
I’m good either way, really

FADE.

INT. – KIT’S FORTRESS OF LOVE – DAY

The secondary shuttle crew crash into KIT’s penthouse

DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone pair up, and spread out,
IRONYUPPIE and I shall defend
the shuttle, DAVE shall secure the
nearby rooms, STRAHA and WEAPON M
shall investigate the rest of observation deck.

WEAPON M and STRAHA walk off from the group, out the window we can see a small escape pod take off, and fly East. This goes unnoticed by the others.

”TIME PASSES” wipes across the screen

STRAHA
Goddamnit he’s not even here!

WEAPON M
You say that right up until the ninjas
burst out and kill your whole platoon.
You check that last bathroom, I’ll cover you

STRAHA
I need to take a leak anyway.
(He enters the disabled toilet, and comes out 2 seconds later, pale faced)

WEAPON M
You ok?

STRAHA
(shaking)
I’m fine

WEAPON M
You seem a bit pale
(He peeks into the room)

FELLATIO NELSON
(Voice over)
Send the other one back in, I’ve
always wanted to do identical twins

STRAHA
We will never speak of this again.

WEAPON M
Well, only in mocking tones at least.

They both shudder.

INT – FLOCCULENCIO’S THRONE ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK
Well your hourglass has run out, and
I’m no longer giving out sand, prepare
to meet your maker, for which
there is no preparing!

FLOCCULENCIO
Then why are you telling me to prepare?
(Landshark starts charging him)
Oh right
(Grabs a polo mallet)
It’s hammertime

LANDSHARK stops charging and recoils in horror.

THANDE
That’s awful.

FLOCCULENCIO
(To THANDE)
Well you try to come up with
a mallet based quip sometime
(To Landshark)
I am FLOCCULENCIO… Ah bugger this, it’s
getting so terribly lame, can’t I just
knock you out and be done with it?

LANDSHARK
That doesn’t sound too epic…

FLOCCULENCIO
But it’s suitably evil.

LANDSHARK
Excellent point
(Strides over and cracks FLOCCULENCIO’s skull so hard the bat breaks)

FLOCCULENCIO
(Unfazed and triumphantly)
Ha-hah! Sucker! My Indian physique
makes me immune to head wounds!

THANDE
Really?

FLOCCULENCIO
Actually, no.
(Falls unconscious)

Suddenly, the throne room doors burst open, a figure’s arm comes partially through, then the doors rebound off the walls and slam shut again

MATT (Voice over)
MY ME-TIME HAND!

MICHAEL (Voice over)
Oh great, now they know
we’re here, good work fool

MATT (Voice over)
Now how will I love myself?

TORQUMADA
(Voice over)
So much for stealth
(Kicks in door, and fires tranquiliser at Landshark)

LANDSHARK
Perception, dimming…
Brain slowing…
Must not fall unconscious
(Collapses dramatically on stairs)

LUAKEL
Now what?

TORQUMADA
Cure FLOCCULENCIO, and the rest shall be ok,
don’t you know any science?

LUAKEL
I thought it was a virus that infected them

TORQUMADA
Yes, we established that, what’s your point

LUAKEL
That’s vampires. Virii don’t
actually work that way
(Luakel is slapped by Torq)

TORQUMADA
What did I tell you about
pretending to know something

MATT
Can we just get this over with
so that you can fix my hand?

TORQUMADA
(Annoyed)
FINE!
MICHAEL, grab LANDSHARK,
MATT, grab FLOCCULENCIO,
LUAKEL, grab THANDE

THANDE
What you send the dirty
little teenager to fight me?

LUAKEL advances forward.

THANDE
Don’t let those teenage hands touch me!
No one knows where they’ve been!

LUAKEL
(Confused)
I do…

TORQUMADA
Pervert.

KIT walks into the room, and sees the crewmen grabbing the other crewmen, MATT in an especially compromising position

KIT
So, who’s going to grab me?

The members of the other shuttle enter in hot pursuit

TORQUMADA
STRAHA, grab KIT

KIT
(Leering)
Well, well…fancy seeing you again

STRAHA
(Panicking)
He lies!

WEAPON M
He so doesn’t!

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO, LANDSHARK, KIT and THANDE have been vaccinated and are back to their old selves. The crew gathers around before DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to have to leave this TL
to it’s own devices since we can’t synthesise
enough of the vaccine to cure everyone on Earth.

IRONYUPPIE
So what? As if we’ve ever
worried about responsibility.

DOCTOR WHAT
I hope you’ve all learnt
a lesson from this.

LANDSHARK
I’ve learnt that betraying your friends
is a profitable and satisfying activity
so long as a bunch of colonial arseholes
don’t spoil it for you.

KIT
And I’ve learnt that a harem of boytoy
slaves is the best thing a man can hope for
(sighs wistfully)

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ve learnt nothing. In fact, I will
redouble my efforts at drinking glowing
green liquids that look like appletini.

He takes a swig from his Satanic Appletini Flask which has now been restored to him.

GREY WOLF
I still don’t see why
I couldn’t go along…

DOCTOR WHAT
(To THANDE)
Well at least I hope this has taught you
not to go experimenting with strange virii?

THANDE
Nothing of the sort!

He whips out a syringe filled with a glowing blue liquid and injects it into LUAKEL’s arm.

LUAKEL
I don’t feel so good.

EVERYONE
Just blame THANDE!

They all burst into laughter as we freeze frame.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS