TEASER

INT.-ENGINEERING ROOM-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN hard at work on the shift engines.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(dubious tone)
Are you sure this is safe?

DAVE HOWERY
Trust me on this—nothing will go wrong.

HOWERY starts making various adjustments to the shift engine.

REVERSE SHOT: We see HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN in the foreground, hard at work on the shift engine. In the background, we see the engineering doors open to reveal DOCTOR WHAT, walking into the engineering room. He seems to be whistling and in a good mood. Both HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are hard at work and talking to one another and don’t notice DOCTOR WHAT come in.

We hear loud high pitched beeping.

DAVE HOWERY
Ooooops….

HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN both duck out of the way as a blue lightning bolt shoots out between them from the shift engine, hitting DOCTOR WHAT directly in the chest. He collapses.

DAVE HOWERY (talking to PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Whoa! That was pretty freaky!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (looking at HOWERY)
What the hell was that?!

DAVE HOWERY
Some kind of weird power surge, I think….

In the background we see DOCTOR WHAT slowly get up. His clothes are singed and he’s swaying back and forth in a most unhealthy way. We see a few wisps of smoke coming off of him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit, man. That was crazy.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah—tell me about it! If that thing had hit us,
who knows what would have happened to us.

We see DOCTOR WHAT (still swaying) collapse again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Good thing us professionals were here to make
sure that everything is okay and nobody got hurt….

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“CRAP-TASTIC VOYAGE”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

INT.-AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR-DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.

We see DOCTOR WHAT unconscious on a gurney being rapidly pushed through the corridors of the ship by PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY is running behind him, anxiously wringing his hands. The two turn a corner and head toward a door marked MED BAY.

INT. –AH.COM SHIP MED BAY-DAY

WE see TORQ run a few scans over DOCTOR WHAT. He looks at his scanner, frowns, and then proceeds to inject DOCTOR WHAT with a hypo spray. DOCTOR WHAT awakes with a start.

DOCTOR WHAT
(frantic)
I didn’t do it! It wasn’t me! That could be
anybody’s ass in that picture! I swear to God,
I thought that sheep was legal age!
(looks around)
(somewhat more calm)
Hang on—this isn’t a psychiatric evaluation, is it?

TORQ and PSYCHOMELTDOWN slowly shake their heads.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah. I see. Er…..what happened?

TORQ
You got zapped by an electrical surge
from the shift engine but you’re
okay now. How are you feeling?

DOCTOR WHAT
Weird and confused and the lower
half of my body is all tingly.
And I think I got a bit of wood.

TORQ
So—in other words—perfectly normal?

DOCTOR WHAT shrugs his shoulders.

TORQ
Well—I examined you and everything seems
to be fine. There’s still some weird residual
energy in you but you should be fine in a
few hours. Get some food and some rest
and see me in the morning.

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head and walks out.

INT.-AH.COM MESS HALL-DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT alone in the Mess Hall wolfing down some Love Chicken. He’s looking at a large book that has as the title ‘Pagan Regeneration: A Study of Mystery Initiations in the Graeco Roman World’. He looks around to see if anyone is looking and pulls out a large glossy magazine with a nude photo of two women on its cover from the middle of the book. He starts drooling at the pictures inside when he suddenly clutches his right hand in pain. As he is clutching it, there’s a flash of light and we suddenly see his right hand vanish!

DOCTOR WHAT stares in shock at the spot where his hand used to be. We see another flash of light and his right hand suddenly reappears!

DOCTOR WHAT falls off his chair and is staring at his right hand in complete fear when we see another flash of light and his left hand disappears. DOCTOR WHAT barely has time to react when there’s another flash of light and the hand reappears.

DOCTOR WHAT screams and runs out the dining hall.

INT.-SHIP CORRIDOR-DAY

We see KIT walking down a corridor. DR.WHAT comes running around a corner at high speed and runs into KIT, knocking both of them off their feet.

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a hold of KIT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(barely coherent)
Hand! Disappear! Vanish! Shock!
Disappearing from—gaaaa-aaah—
(DOCTOR WHAT clutches his stomach and screams in pain)

KIT
What the hell–?

We suddenly see a bright flash of light and DOCTOR WHAT suddenly vanishes. KIT is left alone in the corridor.

KIT
(total shock—barely audible)
Doc?

KIT looks around the corridor in panic and fear. He screams and runs down the corridor.

INT.-SOMEPLACE ELSE-NIGHT

The camera slowly pans over what looks like the interior of the AH.COM ship—but this is drastically different. It’s dark and spooky for starters. The doors are all misshapen and the walls themselves look old and encrusted with dirt and grime. Strange shadowy figures flit to and fro in the background. Sickly looking vines cover most surfaces. We hear inhuman screams in the distance. Suddenly—we see a bright flash of light and DOCTOR WHAT appears in the middle of the corridor. He looks around in panic.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—hello?

CAMERA POV-The camera moves very fast towards DOCTOR WHAT from behind. He has just enough time to turn around and look at the camera and scream before the screen goes black.

INT.-PRISON CELL-NIGHT

We see the cell door open up and DOCTOR WHAT gets physically thrown into the cell by an unseen figure. DOCTOR WHAT slides along the floor and land in a heap against the wall. He gets up and looks around. He’s in a dank and dark prison cell. One entire wall of his cell is made up of metal bars—but the bars are misshapen and twisted and have all kinds of weird angles to them. DOCTOR WHAT spots similar cells placed on the walls along the entire corridor. In the cells, shrouded in darkness, are various …things…that can’t be seen too clearly. One of the figures in a cell next to DOCTOR WHAT spots him. This figure may have been human once but now his face is misshapen and his body twisted and mangled beyond all recognition. This is MR.P. He moves as close as he can to DOCTOR WHAT.

MR.P
(excitedly)
You’re him! You’re the one!

DOCTOR WHAT
(backing away)
The one? The one what?
I’m not the one!

MR.P
(confused)
You’re telling me the Prophecy is wrong?
But is it not written-
The man with the pointy goatee will come.
He will be known as the Doctor
Of a great number he will bring
Fire, flame, smoke and confusion
He will be the key to freedom.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
What is that—Nostradamus?

MR.P
(beat)
Actually I read that on a bathroom wall….

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around frantically)
I gotta get out of this place….

MR.P
Then you have to escape your own head—
cause that’s where we are.
(dramatic pause)
In your head!

DOCTOR WHAT
(backing away again)
You’re insane!

MR.P
No, I’m not –!
(beat)
Well—yes I am….
(beat)
But it’s true! This whole dimension
exists in your mind, DOCTOR WHAT!

DOCTOR WHAT
How do you know my name?

MR.P
Everyone knows your name here. They’ve
finished with this place—ruined all of it!—
now they want out—into the REAL world!
And the only way out is through your head!

DOCTOR WHAT
This world is a result of my imagination?

MR.P
Yes—it’s all true…

A large cyclops-like creature riding a giant slug comes around the corner of the corridor at high speed. It suddenly stops in front of DOCTOR WHAT. This is DARKSLAVIK. Two goblin-like minions-VOCSC and MAYHEM- leap out from either side and open the door to DOCTOR WHAT’S cell.

DARKSLAVIK
Come.

The two minions grab hold of DOCTOR WHAT and drag him onto the back of the giant slug. DARKSLAVIK climbs onto the slug a few seconds later. The slug turns and quickly moves down the corridor in the direction it just came from. MR. P’s giggling echoes through the corridor.

INT.-AH. COM BATTLEROOM-DAY

We see HENDRYK, DIAMOND, WEAPON M, MATT, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK sitting around the table listening to KIT.

KIT
–and that’s what happened!

Long pause

LANDSHARK
So—just to make sure I follow you correctly—
you are saying that DOCTOR WHAT has disappeared
in a blazing flash of light? And that he is no longer
on board the ship? And that you want us to mount
some kind of search and rescue mission for him?

KIT
Yes!

LANDSHARK
You haven’t been drinking again, haven’t you?
Remember the last time—we couldn’t get you out
of that gold lame ball gown and fishnet stockings…
kept insisting we call you ‘Dorothy’—and what you
were doing with those kumquats…
(shudders)

KIT
I’m not drunk! DOCTOR WHAT has vanished!

LEO
If I may interject here? I have been analyzing
some rather strange readings I’ve detected in
the lower decks and I believe I may have found
the explanation. As you know, approximately
6 hours ago, DOCTOR WHAT was hit by a
massive energy discharge from the shift engines,
as of a result of a malfunction that occurred while
DAVE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN were repairing it.
I believe that the charge somehow initiated a minature
shift vortex. I am fairly certain that DOCTOR WHAT
has, indeed, been transported via a shift vortex.
However, I have detected certain anomalies with the
vortex—it is unlike any shift vortex I have ever
seen. I believe that the repairs to the shift engine
altered the energy matrix of the vortex, so that instead
of appearing in another timeline, he may, in fact,
have appeared in a another dimension entirely.

Long pause

Most of the ah.commers are staring at one another in complete confusion.

DIAMOND leans over to LANDSHARK

DIAMOND
Did you understand any of that?

LANDSHARK
I got lost after the word ‘interject’.

LEO
How can I make this so that all
of you people can understand me?
(beat)
Ok—Doc got hit by shiny bright
light and has now gone bye-bye.

Looks of comprehension and understanding suddenly appear on all of the ah.commers faces.

KIT
So where is he?

LEO
I believe I may have an answer for you—
meet me at the spot where DOCTOR WHAT
disappeared in full combat gear in 10 minutes….

INT.- SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see HENDRYK, DIAMOND, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, MATT and KIT huddled in a group, all of them armed. Standing some distance away from them is LEO, in his robot body. He has a large scanner-like device in his hands.

LEO
Analysis of the residual energies from the vortex
has indicated presence of certain psionic emanations.
It is my belief that the vortex energies—altered
by the repairs that were done to the engine and
in combination with the good Doctor’s…uh…
unique brainwaves –created a dimensional rift
into his psyche itself. He is stuck there and will
remain there until we can rescue him.

LANDSHARK
I’m still a bit confused by all this—WHERE, exactly, are we going?

LEO
DOCTOR WHAT is trapped inside his own head,
so to speak. We have to rescue him.
We are going on a journey –
(dramatic pause)
A journey into the deepest and darkest
recesses of DOCTOR WHAT’S mind!

Screen goes black

Pause.

LANDSHARK (ov)
I think I just wet my pants.

DIAMOND (ov)
Me too.

MATT (ov)
Same here.

LANDSHARK (ov)
Anyone else?

Chorus of ‘Yup’, ‘Uh-huh’, ‘You bet’ and so forth can all be heard….

INT.- WEIRD DIMENSION- INTERROGATION ROOM- NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT strapped to a large examination table of some sort. The table appears to be made out of some strange organic like substance that looks suspiciously like some kind of flesh and the straps holding him down look very much like tentacles. The room is dimly lit but we can see various shapes –none of them remotely human looking – around him. We see DOCTOR WHAT looking frantically around. Beads of nervous sweat are trickling down his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want from me?
Who are you people?

VOICE (ov)
(heavy, raspy and vaguely female voice)
Don’t you know? We want freedom!

Huddled strange figures slowly move away from DOCTOR WHAT, making room for the figure from which the voice comes from.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused look)
That voice…it sounds so…familiar…
where have I heard that before…?
(sudden realization)
(look of abject terror crosses his face)
Oh my God…no…
(panicky voice)
MISS CERBERUS—my third grade teacher!!

Strange figure comes into the light. We see that it is an old lady—or rather—was an old lady at one point. We see that the lower part of her body is almost slug like in nature, with two vestigial legs (complete with shoes on her feet) being dragged along while the top half of her body is quite frightening, with immense fangs protruding from her mouth and huge scythe like claws at the end of her arms.

MISS CERBERUS
Yes DOCTOR WHAT—it is me.
Have you been a bad boy, DOCTOR WHAT?
(pause)
I believe that you have. And you know what
we do to bad boys, DOCTOR WHAT?
(beat)
I HAVE A RULER IN MY DESK!!!

DOCTOR WHAT screams. MISS CERBERUS laughs maniacally.

INT.-WEIRD DIMENSION-CORRIDOR-NIGHT

We see a bright flash of light and HENDRYK, DIAMOND, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, MATT, KIT and LEO (in his robot body) appear.

They look around in confusion and in slight terror.

DIAMOND
So—this is how DOCTOR WHAT’s
mind looks like from the inside.
(looks around)
(quietly)
God—that guy needs help….

LEO
Remember—this entire dimension is based on all of
DOCTOR WHAT’s neurosis, fears, repressed memories
and the darkest aspects of his personality. This entire
dimension is filled with deep symbolism and metaphors
so don’t be too shocked if things here don’t make much sense.

LANDSHARK
You mean—less so than usual?

LEO
C’mon—this way!

They move down a corridor.

INT.—WEIRD DIMENSION-CORRIDOR—NIGHT

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

We see the assorted ah.commers looking in fear and confusion at all they’re seeing.

IRONYUPPIE
This whole place looks like some
kind of twisted version of our ship.

LEO
Told you—this entire dimension is based
on DOCTOR WHAT’s psyche—you’re
going to see a lot of familiar things.

They pass by a collection of misshapen doorways.

DIAMOND
(pointing at doors)
What are these?

LEO
Symbolic doorways to aspects
of DOCTOR WHAT’s personality.

DIAMOND raises an eyebrow at this and examines one of the doorways more closely.

DIAMOND
(reading a label on one of the doors)
Sexual Fetishes.
(squints his eyes and examines some smaller print)
Door one of thirty-seven.

DIAMOND raises his eyebrows at this and grasps the door handle.

MATT
(terrified voice)
Dude—what the hell are you doing?

DIAMOND
Relax—I’ve seen and done all kinds of shit.
Trust me-nothing can faze me.
I have to see this for myself.

DIAMOND cracks open the door a few inches and sticks his head into the gap. He stays there for several seconds. DIAMOND wordlessly takes his head out and quietly shuts the door. He turns to face the ah.commers. His face is ashen white and he has the look of someone who had just finished hang-gliding over hell itself.

MATT
What? What did you see?!

DIAMOND
I will never look at rutabagas
the same way ever again.
(quiet shocked voice)
The horror…the horror….

KIT looks down the corridor and spots a huge ominous black door. He walks towards it and examines it in closer detail.

KIT
Weird…doesn’t even have a label…
and it has some kind of a lock on it….
(reaches over to open it)

KIT gets his hand knocked away from the door by DIAMOND

DIAMOND
(terrified voice)
Are you out of your mind?! That door has
a friggin lock on it—think about that for
a minute. Behind that door is something
so weird and twisted that it scares even Doc!

KIT contemplates this image for a moment. His face is contorted in terror as the sudden terrifying realization of this thought hits him.

KIT
(backs away from door and practically leaps into DIAMOND’s arms)
I’m scared—hold me.

DIAMOND
I’m scared too.
(looks down)
Would you be so kind as to remove
your noodly appendage away from me?

LEO
People –this way! We have work to do!

LEO leads the ah.commers down a corridor. Suddenly—we see a large group of creatures appear in front of the ah.commers.

IRONYUPPIE
Finally! Something to blow up!

Assorted ah.commers all pull out their favorite weapons –IRONYUPPIE with her Yo-Yo; HENDRYK with his Chinese M-1896 Mauser; DIAMOND with his twin ivory handled .45 revolvers; LANDSHARK with his Plasma Cannon (emblazoned with the slogan ‘I came. I saw. I bitchsmacked his ass!’ along the barrel) ; WEAPON M with his Mossberg 500 twelve gauge; MATT, KIT and LEO with their trusty BFGs – and attack…

END ACT I

ACT II

INT.-INTEROGATION ROOM- NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT still tied up. He has some kind of strange electronic head brace wrapped around his forehead. In the center of the head brace is a large green crystal. Just above DOCTOR WHAT is a large laser-like gun aimed directly at the crystal. Coming out from the cylinder is a wire—or perhaps a blood vessel, judging by its appearance – that connects directly to a large glass globe at least 5 feet across. Floating inside the globe is a large pulsating brain.

We see MISS CERBERUS talking to her assembled minions.

MISS CERBERUS
At last the time has come! Within the hour,
we will have a whole new universe to ravage!
As soon as we open the portal into
Doctor What’s head, the fun will begin!

Cheering and applause and shouts of ‘DOCTOR WHAT’s head rocks!’ come from the minions.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t I get any say in this?

Sounds of crickets chirping.

MISS CERBERUS
(in full Evil Bad Guy Mode)
LET THE HEAD–
(suddenly starts to lose her train of thought)
…..uh…thingy….
(completely losing it now)
.uh…ummm…er…start….

zBrain starts pulsating and a bright red beam shoots out of the laser gun into the crystal on DOCTOR WHAT’s forehead.

MISS CERBERUS is off to one side. She slaps her forehead in frustration.

MISS CERBERUS
Aw man—that was stupid! I should
have written a speech! ‘Head Thingy’! D’uh!

A thing next to her that looks like a hybrid between a human, a wolf and a giraffe turns to MISS CERBERUS. This is MAX SINISTER. x

MAX SINISTER
(trying to be cheerful)
No—it was good. You did good. It was great!
Very awe-inspiring. Good motivator and everything….

MISS CERBERUS
Really? You really think so?

A half man/half porcupine creature comes rushing in. This is COUNT DEERBORN.

COUNT DEERBORN
MISS CERBERUS!
Intruders have invaded our realm!

MISS CERBERUS
And you destroyed them all, I hope?

COUNT DEERBORN
(uncomfortably)
Er…not as such….

MISS CERBERUS
WHAT? You failed me! You will be
condemned to the Realm of Eternal
Screaming and Restless Legs!

A metal door to the side suddenly spring open, revealing flames and smoke and sounds of screaming.

COUNT DEERBORN
But I really don’t want to go there.

MISS CERBERUS
You will just have to accept your fate!
(pulls out a piece of paper and a small gym bag)
Here’s your ticket and a change of clothes.

COUNT DEERBORN picks up the ticket and gym bag and walks slowly towards the door. Just as he’s about to walk through the doorway, he turns around. x

COUNT DEERBORN
See you guys—it was nice knowing you.

Assorted minions wave goodbye and give shouts of ‘Good luck’, ‘Take care’ and so forth. One of them holds up a small cardboard sign ‘WE LUV U’. COUNT DEERBORN walks through the doorway. The door slams shut.

MISS CERBERUS
(addressing the minions)
Now get out there and stop the intruders!

The minions rush out.

MISS CERBERUS moves towards DOCTOR WHAT. We see the laser beam still firing at his forehead. DOCTOR WHAT is writhing in obvious pain.

MISS CERBERUS
In precisely 57 minutes, the
portal will be opened and I will be free!
(laughs maniacally)

INT.-CORRIDOR-NIGHT

We see the ah.commers in a massive firefight with assorted minions. It seems to be an evenly matched fight, with the ah.commers inflicting massive casualties to the minions but undergoing such incredible return fire that they can’t make any significant progress forward.

MATT
Damn it! There’s just too many of them!

DIAMOND
Keep firing!

WEAPON M
Hang on a minute…
(turns to LEO)
LEO—you said that this universe is based
in part on DOCTOR WHAT’s memories
of the real universe.

LEO
(taking a moment to blast a large cockroach-like creature)
Yes. This universe has analogues to our universe.
Some parts of our universe will appear here—
that’s why this universe looks like the ship.

WEAPON M
So—there’s a chance that something in our
universe will have an identical counterpart here?

LEO
Yes.

WEAPON M looks deep in thought for a few seconds.

WEAPON M
Cover me! There’s something in
the engineering bay I need to get!

WEAPON M rushes away from the battle. The assorted ah.commers redouble their shooting to cover his retreat.

INT.- INTEROGATION ROOM- NIGHT

MISS CERBERUS is practically swaying with joy.

MISS CERBERUS
(leaning in towards DOCTOR WHAT)
Only 39 minutes to go….
(grins evilly)

Suddenly—a chunk of the wall explodes inwards, sending debris everywhere. There’s a great deal of smoke and dust in the air and we can’t make anything out. We suddenly hear the sound of metal gears moving. Appearing out of the cloud of smoke and debris –is a 12 foot high MECH. In the control seat is WEAPON M. Hanging off the MECH are the ah.commers, all carrying weapons.

WEAPON M
Mechs fucking rule.
(opens fire)

A barrage of weapon fire from the MECH and the ah.commers slam into the brain device, shattering it completely and sending chunks of brain and fluids everywhere. The red beam firing into DOCTOR WHAT’s head stops.

MISS CERBERUS
(screaming)
No! I was so close!

Barrage of weapon fire slam into MISS CERBERUS, knocking her backwards into a wall. She collapses into a heap and is still. KIT and MATT leap off the MECH and rush towards DOCTOR WHAT. They start cutting through the tentacles holding him down

MATT
Doc! Doc! Are you okay?

DOCTOR WHAT
(groaning)
You ever have one of those days?

MATT and KIT release DOCTOR WHAT from his bounds. Suddenly, from behind them, we hear screaming. The ah.commers turn to see MISS CERBERUS rising off the ground.

MISS CERBERUS
Fools! You honestly think that your pitiful
weapons will work on me? They may have
effects on my minions but this is MY dimension!
Your weapons are useless against me in
this realm! You have disrupted my plans!
(screaming)
AND I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

MISS CERBERUS’ body starts shifting and changing. Suddenly, four giant spider legs erupt from her bloated slug like torso. Spikes suddenly appear along the entire length of her spine and two giant pointy horns appear on her forehead. A long tailspike appears behind her. Her spiderlegs unfurl, raising MISS CERBERUS’ body a full 15 feet above the ground.

DIAMOND
(awestruck)
Wow…

LANDSHARK
There’s something you don’t see everyday.

DIAMOND
Giant half woman/half spider creature attacking us?

LANDSHARK
No—an old lady with really
great taste in sensible shoes.

DIAMOND
(sotto voice)
Shoe Whore….

WEAPON M opens fire on MISS CERBERUS with his MECHA. The bullets just bounce off of her. MISS CERBERUS laughs and with a nonchalant swipe with one of spiderlegs, hits the MECH, sending it crashing into a wall. The MECH collapses into a heap onto the ground. We can hear WEAPON M groaning in pain.

Virtually every ah.commer opens fire at MISS CERBERUS. The massive barrage of weapon fire knocks her a dozen or so feet backwards and throws her off-balance for a few seconds. DOCTOR WHAT and KIT rush to WEAPON M and quickly cut him out. They half-drag/half carry him away from the wrecked MECH.

LEO
We are out of here, people!

The ah.commers rush out. A few seconds later, MISS CERBERUS chases after them.

INT.-CORRIDOR-NIGHT

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

We see the ah.commers rushing down a corridor, pausing every few seconds to fire a barrage of weapon fire behind them. We hear screams coming closer.

HENDRYK
She shrugs off everything we hit her with!

LEO
Her dimension—her rules!

DIAMOND
Open the friggin portal already, LEO!

LEO
We can’t! Not here anyway! We have to
do it in the exact same spot where we
entered! It’s where the boundaries are
weakest! I’m not sure it will work anywhere else!

MATT
(throwing a grenade behind him)
How long until we get there?

LEO
Just a few minutes!

They keep running. We hear a muffled explosion behind them. A few seconds later we see MISS CERBERUS running and leaping after them.

INT.-CORRIDOR-NIGHT

We see the ah.commers turn a corner at high speed. LEO is leading the gang while WEAPON M is hobbling along with the assistance of KIT and DOCTOR WHAT. LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, MATT, HENDRYK and DIAMOND turn and fire a few rounds behind them before continuing to run. LEO frantically presses a few buttons on the scanner like device he’s carrying.

MATT
LEO…?

LEO
Any second now!

MATT
Good—cause we’re almost out of ammo!

We see coming down the corridor at high speed—literally bouncing off the walls –is MISS CERBERUS. She’s just 50 feet or so away from the ah.commers when there’s a bright flash of light.

INT.-NORMAL UNIVERSE-AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR-NIGHT

We see a blindingly bright flash of light and the nine ah.commers appear in a large pile on the floor. We see nothing except a mass of arms and legs sticking out of the pile.

Long pause

KIT
Either someone’s very happy to see me
or I’m sitting on someone’s gun

LANDSHARK
Anyone seen my shoes?

DIAMOND
I broke my watch.

HENDRYK
I think I left my gun behind

MATT
I could use a vacation

WEAPON M
Hey—this reminds me—did I
ever tell you guys about my threesome…

IRONYUPPIE
You can take your hand off my ass now, Doc…

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry….

LEO slowly gets up and pulls out his scanner. He looks at the readings while slowly walking down the corridor. He frowns.

LEO
That’s strange…

LANDSHARK
What is?

LEO
(still staring at the scanner)
According to this scanner, it appears that
nine organic lifeforms came through the portal.

KIT
So? There’s nine of us.

LEO
But I’m not organic…

A tailspike suddenly rips through LEO’s chest. LEO stares down at the spike and turns around. Standing behind him is MISS CERBERUS, slowly climbing down from the ceiling.

MISS CERBERUS
One down…

MISS CERBERUS grabs a hold of LEO in her claws and tears him into two parts, throwing each half aside.

MISS CERBERUS
Eight to go….

The ah.commers pull out their guns and fire the last few rounds of ammo they have left. They barely have any effect.

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly screams, gets up and runs down the corridor and disappears around a corner.

MISS CERBERUS
Run Doc! Run! There’s nowhere to hide
from me on this ship! I’m free now! FREE!
(looks at remaining ah.commers)
(long black tongue snakes over her fangs)
This is going to be fun….

MISS CERBERUS leaps over the ah.commers and cuts off their escape route before they have a chance to react.

MISS CERBERUS
Who wants to be first?
(laughs maniacally)

DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
Yoo hoo!

MISS CERBERUS turns around to see DOCTOR WHAT standing about 30 feet away from her—holding a rather large bazooka. The ah.commers see this and duck down.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sing song voice)
School’s out for summer!

DOCTOR WHAT fires bazooka. The recoil from the launch knocks DOCTOR WHAT flat on his back. Bazooka shell hits MISS CERBERUS and we see a massive fiery explosion, with a virtual flood of disgusting greenish-brownish ichor spraying all around.

DOCTOR WHAT slowly gets up of the floor and looks at the carnage. We see that the ah.commers have survived—but every single one of them are covered in the disgusting ichor.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—did I do that?

Ah.commers get up and start chasing DOCTOR WHAT down the corridor.

INT.-ENGINEERING ROOM-DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY and G.BONE working on LEO’s body. DOCTOR WHAT is standing off to one side.

LEO’s voice is coming from a wall speaker.

LEO
How goes the repairs?

DAVE HOWERY
Relax LEO—it will be as good as new in
just a few days. In fact, this couldn’t have
happened at a better time. I have a few
ideas kicking around on how to improve it.

LEO
Not that I don’t appreciate the gesture. Dave,
but I don’t think installing a beer dispenser
into my body is really that high a priority.

G.BONE
How about a cappuccino maker?

LEO
No!

DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes and walks away. We see him walk down a corridor to a porthole and stop. He stares out into space for a few minutes.

LEO
Something on your mind, DOC?

DOCTOR WHAT
You should know—you guys
crawled around in there for a while.

LEO
And a very…uh…interesting place it is.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is that computer talk for
‘It scared the crap out of me’?

LEO
Pretty much—

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m a little bit worried, LEO

LEO
What about?

DOCTOR WHAT
Most of the crew got to see some rather
embarrassing and intimate aspects of
my personality. I’m worried about
what the crew will do with all that.

LEO
I wouldn’t worry. Despite appearances to
the contrary, this crew is completely professional
and discrete and will never use an embarrassing
revelation of a fellow member for personal amusement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks LEO—that means a lot to me.

DOCTOR WHAT walks away.

INT.-CREW LOUNGE-DAY

DIAMOND is sitting in front of STRAHA, THANDE, TORQ, MICHAEL, DMA, and GBW.

DIAMOND
(trying very hard not to laugh)
–and there’s this thing he has for rutabagas where…

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A huge golden ship flies across the screen; it’s quickly followed by an equally large craft, but one that’s dark and deadly looking. The Counterfactual.net.

The Goldenship fires what looks like red lightning, which strikes the hull of the CF.net, crackling and scorching the already dark hull. The CF.net fires its particle cannons, the Goldenship is struck by scores of beams. There’s a sudden flare as it’s shields give out and the particle beams begin striking the hull of the Goldenship.

The Goldenship fires again, red lightning slamming into the CF.net. Explosions rock the side of the CF.net, chunks of the hull visibly tearing off. The CF.net fires again, the hull of the Goldenship begins tearing off away as the particle cannons pierce it. The CF.net stops firing, the Goldenship dims and begins spinning slowly, the CF.net moves in closer to the ship, trailing debris and venting gases.

INT. – COUTNERFACTUAL.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is a mess, but WARD sits in his command chair looking unfazed by it all.

GRIMM REAPER
(satisfied grin)
Looks dead in the water.

WARD
Good. Send an Away Team
and begin stripping it.

MERRYPRANKSTER steps away from his control panel and waves a weary arm to the rest of the crew. They all get up, grab their weapons, and head for their lift. The Camera follows them for a bit and we see that all of them look weary and tired as hell, as if they’ve been pushed hard and rough lately.

GRIMM REAPER watches them and then walks up to WARD.

GRIMM REAPER
The cannon fodder is looking
a bit rough around the edges, sir.

WARD
(sourly)
They’re weak.
They need to grow stronger or
they’ll find out how nice it is
to spacewalk without a suit.

GRIMM REAPER
I’m all for terrorizing the crew and inflicting inhumane
pain upon them, but there’s a limit to what they can take.
We’ve been raiding world upon world lately, and they’re
being pushed to their limits. We barely managed to defeat
that ship.

WARD
(stubbornly)
But we beat it.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir.
(a beat)
But we’ve taken a lot
of damage in the process.

WARD
You have to work hard for things.
That ship out there is from a universe
that’s more technologically advanced
than any we’ve encountered so far.
Who knows what technology it has?

GRIMM REAPER
We’ve been taking damage, more than we
can fix if we run the crew twenty four hours
a day. They’re already tired, their reaction
time is slow and sluggish. We’ve got to face
it sir, we need more men.

WARD sits and contemplates this for a few moments.

WARD
You’re right.
We need to begin recruiting more crewmembers.
(clenches fist and grins evilly)
Then we’ll show the AH.com terror
and horror beyond their imagining.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS