TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

LANDSHARK opens the door and walks into the room.

LANDSHARK
Hi, honey, I’m home.

He pauses, and a look of concern goes over his face. The camera switches to his POV, and we see IRON YUPPIE standing with an armful of toys and children’s clothing. She looks angry and frazzled, almost to the point of tears.

LANDSHARK
Oh dear. Has our little adoptee
been misbehaving today?

IRON YUPPIE
Would you please have a word with him?!
He’s getting completely out of control!

LANDSHARK
Yes dear.
(loudly)
Luakel! Come here this instant!

LUAKEL toddles into the room, wearing short pants and pulling a wooden duck on wheels with a string. He looks up at LANDSHARK with his beaming little cherubic face.

LUAKEL
Hi Unka Landshawk!

LANDSHARK
Don’t ‘hi’ me, young man! Were you
being naughty today and not doing what
your Auntie Yuppie told you to do?

LUAKEL
(hangs head)
Sowwy, Unka Landshawk.

LANDSHARK
Very well. You go to your room and
think over what you’ve done.

LUAKEL shuffles out of the room with head hanging low.

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
It’s my fault. The lad needs a strong father
figure to be around more often.

IRON YUPPIE
Yes. When he’s around us, you need
to act the stern authority figure.
(pauses)
But, he’s not around now, so…
kiss my boots, lackey!

LANDSHARK
I live to grovel!

He falls to his knees and generously applies lips to boots.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“STORY HOUR”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LUAKEL’S ROOM- NIGHT

IRON YUPPIE is shown making up LUAKEL’S bed, which has a quilt decorated with pictures of cowboys. LUAKEL walks into the room, wearing footy pajamas and carrying a big book.

LUAKEL
Auntie Yuppie, I washed my face and
brushed my teeth. Will you read me this story?

IRON YUPPIE takes the book and looks at it.

IRON YUPPIE
This isn’t a story! This is Doctor What’s porn!
Where did you get this?

LUAKEL
(frantically thinking)
Errr… Thande gave it to me.

IRON YUPPIE
Damn it, I’ll make that Brit pay.

LANDSHARK (OS)
Some one say Brit?

IRON YUPPIE
(Pulls out a book)
Here’s a good story.
Get into bed and I’ll read it.

LUAKEL
Does it have any naked pictures in it?

IRON YUPPIE
No.

LUAKEL
Bugger.

LUAKEL climbs onto the bed and pulls the covers up to his chin. IRON YUPPIE sits in a chair and opens the book.

IRON YUPPIE
Once upon a time, far off in Kansas,
there lived a young girl…

As IRON YUPPIE reads, the camera scene swirls and fades to white. The scene swirls back into focus, but is now in black and white.

EXT. – SOMEWHERE IN KANSAS – DAY

The camera shows a vista of a vast wheat field. A caption at the bottom reads “Somewhere in Kansas.”

The camera slowly zooms in on a figure skipping down a road. As it closes in, we see that it is a teenage girl with pigtails and a checked dress; this is LUAKELETE. A small potbellied pig, BOBO, trots along behind her. The camera switches angles and we see that LUAKELETE is heading towards a farmhouse at the end of the road.

INT- FARMHOUSE- DAY

The door opens, and LUAKELETE and BOBO walk in.

LUAKELETE
Auntie Em! Auntie Em! I’m home!

The camera switches to show AUNTIE EM /KILNGIRL, CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT CLYDE/MATT, and CLEETUS/PSYCHOMELTDOWN all sitting together at the table, looking sad.

AUNTIE EM /KILNGIRL
Hi LUAKELETE. We’ve got some bad news.

CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT
The sheriff was here today.

CLYDE/MATT
He said that Mrs. Haversham sent him.

CLEETUS/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He said that BOBO was bothering her again.

CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT
He said that BOBO was rooting in her garden
and crapping on her lawn, and when she went
out to shoo him off, he bit her on the ankle.

LUAKELETE bursts into tears.

LUAKELETE
It’s not true! She’s always picking on me
and my little hog BOBO too!
Why, oh why, is she so mean?!

CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT
Well, dear, she’s a Republican.

AUNTIE EM /KILNGIRL
I’m sorry, dear, but the sheriff is coming by
tomorrow to take BOBO to the slaughterhouse.

LUAKELETE turns pale and sinks to her knees in grief.

CLYDE/MATT
There, there, dear, please don’t cry.

CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, it’ll be all right.
Here, have some bacon.

LUAKELETE stares at CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT in horror, and runs out of the room shrieking. The others look at CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT in disgust, and he goes back to eating his bacon, rather guiltily.

INT- FARMHOUSE- LUAKELETE’S ROOM- DAY

LUAKELETE is lying on her bed sobbing, one arm around BOBO. She slowly stops sobbing and falls asleep, snoring very unladylike. The camera pans to the window, and we see the sunlight outside dim as storm clouds gather, and the wind starts to moan. Paper and trash blow past the window. The camera pans back to LUAKELETE, who suddenly wakes. She runs over to the window and looks out.

EXT- FARMOUSE- DAY

A storm is raging around the house. A tornado funnel forms right next to it.

INT- FARMHOUSE- LUAKELETE’S ROOM- DAY

LUAKELETE
Oh no, BOBO, it’s a twister!
Oh, Auntie Em, where are you?!

EXT- FARMHOUSE- DAY

The house is shown spinning up into the air.

INT- FARMHOUSE- LUAKELETE’S ROOM- DAY

LUAKELETE sits in the center of the room, which is spinning as if in a centrifuge. She clutches BOBO tightly, and her pigtails stand straight out as she spins.

LUAKELETE
Oh, BOBO, I think I’m gonna Ralph!

EXT- FARMHOUSE- DAY

The house is shown falling down level, and it moves below the camera view. A loud crash is heard.

INT- FARMHOUSE-DAY

LUAKELETE is seen slowly moving through the house, BOBO right behind her. Bright yellow sunshine is streaming through the windows. She cautiously moves to the front door and opens it. The scene beyond is in full glorious Technicolor, showing a pastoral scene of trees and flowers.

EXT- FARMHOUSE- DAY

LUAKELETE is seen walking out of the house and looking around.

LUAKELETE
Oh, BOBO, I don’t think
we’re in Kansas anymore!

A rustling sound is heard in the bushes nearby, and two short people, barely three feet tall, step out and look at LUAKELETE. They are dirty, unshaven, and bleary eyed. Each holds a can of beer, and cigarettes dangle from the corners of their mouths.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness! Who are you little people?

LITTLE PERSON #1 (played by THANDE)
Well, it’s bloody obvious, isn’t it? This is
Buttmunch land, and we’re Buttmunches.

LITTLE PERSON #2 (played by LEEJ)
Aye, who else do you think’d be living in this shithole?
Still and all, thanks for squashing the witch.

LUAKELETE
For what? Squashing who?

LEEJ
The WICKED WITCH WARD of the South-Southeast.
Your house landed on her. Good shot.

LUAKELETE looks over at the house and sees a pair of feet sticking out from underneath it. They are clad in a pair of ‘70’s style platform disco shoes covered in red glitter.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness!
I never meant to hurt anyone!

THANDE
Ah, she was a right old bitch anyway.
And now her magical glitter shoes are yours.

LUAKELETE
Magical glitter shoes?

LUAKELETE walks over to the feet and nudges them with her toe. With a loud ‘pop’, the shoes are suddenly on LUAKELETE’S feet.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness!

She frantically hops up and down and shakes her feet.

LUAKELETE
Ick! They were on a dead person’s feet! Ew Ew Ew!

LUAKELETE stops and looks around. Dozens of Buttmunches are coming into view. Like the first two, they are slovenly and dirty, and have beer and cigarettes all around. The Buttmunches are played by every member of AH.COM who isn’t mentioned elsewhere in this farce. You hear that, you whiners? Every friggin’ one of you gets a part. Except for this author… he’s much too dignified. Oh, and Ian too… can’t have our esteemed Admin looking silly. The Buttmunches all look at LUAKELETE and her house.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Was that house there yesterday?
Fuck I’ve got the worse hangover.

LEEJ
Nah, it fell out of the sky just now.
Right on the WICKED WITCH WARD of the
South-Southeast! She’s croaked!

The Buttmunches all cheer, and then belch and fart.

FELLATIO NELSON
Hooray! Now we’re free to drink
and smoke all day!

THANDE
Don’t we do that anyway?

FELLATIO NELSON
(after a tremendous belch)
Yeah, but now we won’t have her
bumming smokes and booze all the time!

The Buttmunches all start singing, “Ding dong, the bitch is dead”, but after a couple of verses, a blast of green flames explodes in the midst of them. The Buttmunches scatter, and when the flames clear, there is a black clad figure standing there. It is the WICKED WITCH WARD of the North (played by WARD) , an incredibly ugly witch with green skin and a long warty nose. She looks around angrily at the Buttmunches and then sees the feet of the other witch sticking out from under the house.

WICKED WITCH WARD
All right, which one of you dropped
a house on my sister?! And where
are her magical glitter shoes?

LUAKELETE
It was an accident! And the
shoes won’t come off my feet!

WICKED WITCH WARD
Oh, we’ll just see about that!

The witch reaches down towards LUAKELETE’S feet, but the shoes spark at her fingers. The witch jerks her hands back.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Ouch! Won’t give them to me, eh?!
Well, I’ll just have to try something else!

The witch hauls out a huge cleaver and takes aim at LUAKELETE’S ankles, but she hops out of the way.

LUAKELETE
Help help!

A blinding white light suddenly appears behind the WICKED WITCH WARD. When it fades, we see a woman in a white dress and silver tiara standing there. This is KITJED, the Good Witch of the East.

GOOD WITCH KITJED
Now, we can’t have any of that.

She waves her wand at the cleaver, and it turns into pudding and dribbles away.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Damn it! You’ve won for now. But I’ll get you,
You little bastard, and your little hog BOBO too!

WICKED WITCH WARD vanishes in a puff of green flame.

LUAKELETE
Oh, please help me!
I must get home to Kansas!

GOOD WITCH KITJED
I cannot, my dear. Only one person
can help you. You must seek…
(dramatic pause)
… the Wizzha!

LUAKELETE
The Wizzha?

GOOD WITCH KITJED
Yes. Make your way to the Green City
and seek his aid. Farewell.

GOOD WITCH KITJED vanishes in a twinkle of white lights.

LUAKELETE
The Green City?
Oh, how ever shall I get there?

FELLATIO NELSON
(after a truly monstrous belch)
That’s easy. Just follow the puke yellow road.

He waves towards a road made up of bricks of a puke yellow color. The road starts right at the front door of a large Buttmunch house and runs off into the distance.

LUAKELETE
The road starts right here at this house?
How peculiar!

FELLATIO NELSON
(after a thunderous mother-of-all-belches)
Yeah, that’s the mayor’s house. He hates it.
I mean, cars come driving along, and they go smack,
right into his house. ‘Cuz it’s right there on the road.
About the third time that happened, he got really
pissy about it. But anyway, the road goes right
to the Green City, so just follow it.

LUAKELETE
Oh, thank you ever so much,
little Buttmunches! Bye Bye!

LUAKELETE goes skipping down along the puke yellow road, BOBO trotting along behind her.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Yeah, whatever. What a pain.

THANDE
She was kind of cute.
I’d shag her.

JUSTIN PICKARD
She looked fourteen.

THANDE
Your point is?

JUSTIN PICKARD
Plus she’s built like that farmhouse.

FELLATIO NELSON
She did have that attractive manly features.

JUSTIN PICKARD
And it looked like she was trying
to grow a bit of stubble.

LEEJ
Meh, I’ve shagged worse.

FELLATIO NELSON lets out a horrendous earth shaking belch.

FELLATIO NELSON
Bollucks with the girl.
Let’s down a few pints and engage
in some good old fashion buggery.

THANDE
We did that yesterday.

LEEJ
We do that everyday.

FELLATIO NELSON
Yeah, but now we don’t have that
bloody witch demanding to join in.

The Buttmunches all cheer and wander off.

Fade to black.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT- ROAD TO OZ, UH, I MEAN THE GREEN CITY- DAY

LUAKELETE is skipping merrily along the puke yellow road, when she suddenly stops and looks puzzled. The camera switches to her POV, and we see that the road forks, and there are no signs.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness!
Which way do I go now?

VOICE (OS)
Where do you want to go?

LUAKELETE jumps, startled, and looks around.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness! Who said that?

VOICE (OS)
I did.

LUAKELETE looks around and sees a scarcrow hanging on a pole. She walks slowly over to it, and is shocked to see that it has real eyes and is smiling at her.

LUAKELETE
Did…. Did you say something?

SCARECROW (played by DOCTOR WHAT)
Certainly. Where do you want to go?

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness! I’ve never seen a
talking DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT before. Well, I
want to go to the Green City.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Well, then you need to go down the left road.
The right road leads to the castle of
that nasty old WICKED WITCH WARD.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT sighs and looks down at his feet.

LUAKELETE
Oh, what ever is the matter, DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT?

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Oh, I just get so lonely and bored hanging
around here all day with nothing to do
but scare crows. If only….

LUAKELETE
If only what?

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
If only I had some porn,
I wouldn’t be so bored.

LUAKELETE
Porn?

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Yes. Lesbian porn.

LUAKELETE
Lesbian porn? Oh my goodness! Well,
maybe you could come with me to the
Green City and see the Wizzha.
He can do anything!

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT hops off the pole and onto the road next to LUAKELETE.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
That’d be great! I’ve never been to the Green City!

The two go skipping on down the road together.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Hey, you’re kinda cute.

LUAKELETE
I’ve got Mace!

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Right. I’ll just be here on
the other side of the road.

Fade to black.

EXT- ROAD TO GREEN CITY- DAY

LUAKELETE and DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT come skipping down the road, when they see a shack nearby. A man made out of tin sits in front of it, looking sad. He holds a tiny little gun in one hand and slowly puts it to his head. This is TIN MAN.

LUAKELETE
Oh dear. Why are you so sad, Mr. TINMAN?

TIN MAN MATT
It’s because I don’t have a BFG. When I was made,
they were all out of BFGs and all I could get was this LFG.
It doesn’t even hurt anyone. The other tin men all
laughed at me, and I had to leave and come here to
get away from them. If only I had a BFG….

LUAKELETE
How sad! Why don’t you come with us to Green City
and see the Wizzha? He can help you.

TIN MAN MATT
Do you really think so?

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Yes! He can do anything!

TIN MAN MATT gets up and steps onto the road by the others.

TIN MAN MATT
Hoo rah! Okay, I’ll go with you.

The three all go skipping on down the road, with BOBO trotting along behind.

TIN MAN MATT
Hey, you’re kind of cute.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Forget it, dude, she’s not giving it up.

TIN MAN MATT
Meh, she’s built like a brick shithouse anyway.

Fade to black.

EXT- ROAD TO GREEN CITY- DAY

The three companions are seen walking slowly and cautiously along the road, which is running through a dark and forested area. All kinds of growling and howling sounds are heard around them.

LUAKELETE
Oh dear. I don’t like this part of the road.

TIN MAN MATT
Don’t worry. There’s nothing to worry
about out there. Except for lions.

LUAKELETE
Lions! They might eat us!

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Well, I’m made of straw, and he’s made of tin,
so you’re the only one they’ll eat.

LUAKELETE moans in fear at this, and TIN MAN MATT smacks DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT on the back of the head.

TIN MAN MATT
(whispering)
Geez, don’t scare her like that!

A thundering growl sounds ahead of the trio, and The LION (played by PSYCHOMELTDOWN) leaps onto the road. He snarls and looks at them.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I smell food! A little girl
and a pig! Yummy!
Pork chops and poon are what I love best!
In that order.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN chases after BOBO, who flees squealing. LUAKELETE chases after LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN, while DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT and TIN MAN MATT hastily step aside. LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN finally corners BOBO by a tree, and advances on him menacingly. LUAKELETE runs up behind LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN and kicks him in the groin. LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN falls down, and starts sobbing.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, why did you have to go and do that for?
I wasn’t gonna hurt him. I don’t like to hurt
anyone! I just have to act mean and threaten
people so the other lions don’t pick on me!
All I really want to do is get an Alyson and
then I’d be so happy. Oh boo hoo hoo….

LUAKELETE
That’s what you get for picking on a poor
defenseless little pig! You’re just a big
sissy lion, aren’t you?

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes, I am. I don’t want to eat people!
I just want an Alyson!

LUAKELETE
An Alyson? Well, if you promise to behave
yourself, you can come with us to Green City,
and maybe the Wizzha can help you get an Alyson.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(wiping tears away)
Do you really think so?

LUAKELETE
Of course. He can do anything.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN stands up and walks over to the others.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, I’ll go along with you.

TIN MAN MATT
Man, a little girl just kicked your ass.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Fuck, did you see the size of her calves?
They must grow ‘em big on the farm.

The four go skipping on down the road, still followed by BOBO.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, you’re kind of cute.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Forget it, she’s not wanting any.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Actually, I was talking to you.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Uh… we’ll talk later.

Fade to black.

EXT- WITCH CASTLE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a huge black castle, surrounded by stunted trees. Storm clouds rage in the sky above it, and lightning crashes in the sky.

INT-WITCH CASTLE- DAY

WICKED WITCH WARD is seen pacing in a big dank room, talking to herself.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Damn that GOOD WITCH KITJED!
Must have the magical glitter shoes,
must have them….

She stops pacing and snaps her fingers.

WICKED WITCH WARD
The hell with it! I’m just gonna take them!
(yelling)
To me, my pretties, to me!

A throng of ugly winged monkeys comes into the room, squealing and grunting and showing off their naked red butts. The biggest and ugliest winged monkey, their general (played by ROMULUS AUGUSTUS) hops up on a table by the witch.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Take your army and fly over to the puke yellow road.
There will be a teenage girl and a little pig walking
on it towards the Green City. Grab both of them
and bring them both back here.

MONKEY GENERAL
Oo ee ah ah tookie tookie?
(translation caption below reads, “can we eat the pig?”)

WICKED WITCH WARD
Not right away, but later.
First, I need both of them alive.

MONKEY GENERAL
Oo ee ah ah tookie tookie.
(“dang it, I could really go for
some bacon right now.”)

The winged monkeys all hop over to a window and jump out, flying off into the distance. The witch steps over to the window and watches them.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Fly, my pretties, fly!

She cackles long and loudly as the screen fades to black.

EXT- ROAD TO GREEN CITY- DAY

LUAKELETE and her companions are skipping along the road, looking happy, when suddenly TIN MAN MATT stops, and the rest stop to look inquiringly at him.

TIN MAN MATT
Do you hear something? It sounds
like a big pack of flying monkeys.

LUAKELETE
Flying monkeys? There’s no such thing!

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Yeah, I mean really, flying monkeys,
are you feeble or something…. Look out!

The pack of flying monkeys explodes into view, grabbing and snatching at the travelers as they grunt and hoot. TIN MAN MATT whips up his LFG and fires a shot at one of them. The tiny charge hits a monkey . The monkey looks down at the little scorch mark on his fur and scratches at it. Thus distracted, he flies smack into a tree and turns himself into a furry puddle on it.

TIN MAN MATT smiles, but hears a scream behind him. He looks around to see LUAKELETE being carried up into the sky by a pair of monkeys that have grabbed her arms. Another monkey grabs BOBO and flies off with him squealing pitifully. TIN MAN MATT aims his LFG at LUAKELETE’S monkey captors, but DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT knocks it aside.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Don’t shoot, they’ll drop her and hurt her.

TIN MAN MATT
Crap! What do we do now?!

He looks over at DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT, who is craning his neck around and looking up into the sky. He smacks DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT on the back of the head.

TIN MAN MATT
Stop looking up her dress!

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Where the hell is PSYCHOMELTDOWN?

TIN MAN MATT
He’s hiding in the bushes.

Pan to the side of the road where LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN is huddling in a fetal position and sobbing. TIN MAN MATT grabs him and pulls him onto the road.

TIN MAN MATT, DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT, and LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN can only watch as LUAKELETE and BOBO are carried off into the distance, heading towards a range of mountains.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Well, this blows.
I was hoping to get a little farm girl action.

Everyone nods.

Fade to black.

INT- WITCH CASTLE- DAY

The scene opens on LUAKELETE, holding BOBO, surrounded by a horde of winged monkeys, all dancing and chattering and screaming horribly in triumph. She looks around fearfully at the ugly faces. WICKED WITCH WARD walks into the room, cackling in glee.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Now, I have you, my pretty! And your
little hog BOBO too! Now… give me
those magical glitter shoes!

LUAKELETE
But I can’t take them off! I’ve tried and tried,
and they stick to my feet like glue!

WICKED WITCH WARD
Then I’ll just have to chop them off of you.

She hauls out her big cleaver again, and advances menacingly. LUAKELETE backs away fearfully. However, the witch snatches BOBO out of her arms and dangles him over the crowd of howling monkeys.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Let me cut off your feet, or
I’ll feed BOBO to my pretties here!

LUAKELETE
(crying)
Oh BOBO! I want to save you but
I don’t want to have my feet cut off!
Oh, won’t someone help me!

UNISON OF VOICES
We’ll save you, LUAKELETE!

The witch and the monkeys all spin around to see TIN MAN MATT, DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT, and LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN standing in the doorway, all looking grim. The witch and monkeys all laugh and hoot.

WICKED WITCH WARD
So, you’re going to save her, eh?
Okay… any of you bring any weapons?

The three would be rescuers all look at each other in confusion.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Damn it, I knew we forgot something!

The witch snaps her fingers, and the horde of monkeys quickly surrounds the trio.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Well, I want my guests to be comfortable.
How about a little fire, DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT?

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
No thanks. If you really want to make
me comfortable, how about I watch while
you and LUAKELETE make out?

Everyone in the room goes “Eeeeewww!”, and even the monkeys look disgusted. The witch takes out a match, lights it by scratching it across her chin, and tosses it at DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT. It hits his foot and he starts hopping around with one foot on fire.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Ooh! Ooh! Hot foot!

LUAKELETE grabs a pail hanging on the wall that is labeled ‘water’ and throws it on DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT, splashing him and the witch both. The fire goes out. Everyone looks at the witch expectantly, but she just brushes the water off her dress.

WICKED WITCH WARD
What, did you think I was
going to melt or something?

LUAKELETE grabs another pail off the wall, which is labeled ‘milk’, and splashes it’s contents on the witch. Again, she just brushes off the dress.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Wrong again, dearie.

LUAKELETE grabs a third pail off the wall, which is labeled ’20 year old Scotch’ and splashes this on the witch. She doesn’t melt, but curses a lot.

WICKED WITCH WARD
Damn it, that was 20 year old Scotch!
And you wasted it! For the last time,
I DON’T FRICKIN’ MELT!!

LUAKELETE
So you don’t melt. Let’s try this then…

LUAKELETE swings the pail hard and catches the witch on the side of the head. The witch goes flying out the window. A long fading scream is heard, and then a loud squishy ‘thud’. The monkeys all look at each other in horror and run hooting out of the room.

TIN MAN MATT
Good thinking, LUAKELETE! Now no one
will stop us as we go to the Green City!

LUAKELETE
It’s about time. Between the flying monkeys and
everyone hitting on me, I’m really getting tired of this place.

The four skip out of the room. Fade to black.

EXT- ROAD TO GREEN CITY- DAY-

The four are skipping along the puke yellow road, and then suddenly stop. In the distance ahead of them, we see the road go up a hill and then end at the gates of a huge grass-green colored city with towers and minarets and crenellated walls. The camera switches to the travelers, who look at the city in delight.

LUAKELETE
Oh, we’re almost there! Oh, let’s hurry!

The four go skipping along the road again, obviously happy.

EXT- WIZZHA PALACE- MAIN GATES- DAY

The four travelers walk hesitantly up a set of wide green steps leading up a pair of huge green doors. A pair of big burly guardsmen are standing there, looking surly and mean. As LUAKELETE steps up towards the door, the guards cross their spears in front of her, blocking her entrance.

GUARD #1 (played by CHINGO)
No one gets in to see the Wizzha!

GUARD #2 (played by UBBERGEEK)
Go back to where you came from!

LUAKELETE
But… I was told he could help all of us!
Oh, is there nothing I can do to see him?

GUARD #1
Well, you are kind of cute.
What say you take off your….

GUARD #2 suddenly nudges GUARD #1 and points at LUAKELETE’S feet.

GUARD #1
Oh! You’re wearing the magical glitter shoes!
Well, anyone wearing those automatically
gets in to see the Wizzha! In you go…

The guards open the doors, and the travelers all walk through them.

INT- WIZZHA PALACE- THRONE ROOM- DAY

The four travelers cautiously walk through a huge chamber, looking all around them. With a loud trumpet blast, a curtain opens, and a giant walking mechanical figure moves towards them. It is painted green, and has a head on it with a painted on face that depicts someone with a vacant goofy grin. A mild tinny voice issues from it.

ROBOT
Like, welcome, travelers. Ain’t it a fine day to be here
in the Green City. Green… did you ever wonder why
grass is green? What if grass was pink, or maybe polka
dotted? Wouldn’t that be cool? My toenails are yellow.
What if grass was yellow? Oh wait, I guess it is, in the
winter. I don’t like winter, it’s so cold and dreary.

The four travelers look at this with confusion.

LUAKELETE
Uh… are you the Wizzha?

ROBOT
I am the Wizzha. That is my name.
What is a name? Is it a label? Or the
.essence of what you are?
I wish, I wish, I wish I had a fish.

LUAKELETE
Oh, please can you help me?
I need to get back to Kansas!
Auntie Kilngirl will be ever so worried about me.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
And I need some lesbian porn!

TIN MAN MATT
And I need a BFG!

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And I need an Alyson!

ROBOT
Peace out, groovy guys… and girl.
You don’t need all that stuff. All
you need is a good bag and some
rolling papers and your troubles
will just fly away…

While the ROBOT is talking, BOBO starts nosing around. He wanders off to another curtain, sniffs at it, and grabs it in his mouth and yanks it aside. The camera moves in to show a man seated on a pile of cushions in an alcove there. The man (played by STRAHA … yeah, big surprise) has a huge hookah in front of him, and is idly puffing on one of it’s pipes. BOBO squeals loudly, and the four travelers all look at him and walk over that way.

LUAKELETE
Oh my goodness! Who are you?

WIZZHA
(vacant dreamy expression)
Whoa, like, you found me out. Well, like,
I am the Wizzha. I heard about all that stuff
you guys want. Do you really need all that?

The four travelers all say ‘yes!’, in a rather aggravated tone.

WIZZHA
Well, let’s see what I can do.

The WIZZHA gets shakily to his feet and rummages around in a big bag at his feet. He hauls out a big pile of dog eared magazines, of which we see the title of the first one: “Whip Carrying Lesbian Biker Chicks”. He hands the pile to DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT, who looks at it with joy.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Oh, it’s so beautiful…. Lesbian porn!

WIZZHA
Yes. But use it wisely. Remember that all
porn is enjoying women secondhand, and
real women are always better than paper ones.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
(voice muffled because he already has his nose buried in one magazine)
Yeah, sure, whatever you say.

The WIZZHA snaps his fingers, and a pair of guards come out carrying a tremendous BFG between them. They toss it into TIN MAN MATT’S arms, and he staggers under the weight of it.

TIN MAN MATT
Oh wow! The other tin men will be so jealous!

WIZZHA
Ah, but remember, it’s not the
size of the gun, it’s how you use it.

TIN MAN MATT
Bullshit. I could cap your ass right here, right now.

The WIZZHA looks terrified for a moment and quickly rummages around in his bag again, and comes out with an inflated Alyson Hannigan love doll, and tosses it to LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

WIZZHA
There you go, your own personal Alyson.

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But… this isn’t the real Alyson!
It’s just a cheap copy!

LIONY PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks angrily at the doll for a moment, then shrugs and carries it off towards a back room.

LUAKELETE
Oh dear. I don’t suppose there is a way
for me to get back to Kansas in that bag.

WIZZHA
Wanna bet?

The WIZZHA pulls out a little box with a big red button on it.

WIZZHA
All you have to do is push this button and
you’ll be sent back to Kansas in a heartbeat.

LUAKELETE
Really?! Just push that button?!

WIZZHA
Yep. Just push this button like this and…

The WIZZHA pushes the button.

WIZZHA
Aw, shit.

WIZZHA vanishes with a loud pop. LUAKELETE looks on wide eyed for a moment, and then sits down and cries. BOBO walks over to her, and she hugs him tight.

LUAKELETE
Oh dear, now I’ll never get home to Kansas again!

A blinding white light fills the throne room, and GOOD WITCH KITJED suddenly appears. She looks kindly down upon LUAKELETE.

GOOD WITCH KITJED
Now dear, don’t cry. You can go home.
You’ve always had the power to go home.

LUAKELETE
I… what?!

GOOD WITCH KITJED
Yes dear. Just think happy thoughts of home,
and click the heels of the magical glitter shoes
together three times, and say, “There’s no place
like home” each time, and you’ll be sent home.

LUAKELETE
That’s all I have to do?! Well…
(long pause)
…FUCK!

Everyone gasps.

DOCTOR SCARECROW WHAT
Oh, LUAKELETE, that wasn’t a happy thought!

LUAKELETE
I don’t give a rat’s ass! All this fucking time,
I could have gotten home at any time! You
could have told me that clear back at the Buttmunch
village! But NO, you make me go all the way
across this shithole of a place with a lecherous
Sacrecrow and flying monkeys grabbing my hair
and a stupid witch trying to cut off my feet!
Well, damn it all to fucking hell!

GOOD WITCH KITJED
But it’s more than about going home,
it’s about the journey and building character and…

LUAKELETE
Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch!!
Fine, I’m getting the hell out of here.
(clicks heels together)
There’s no place like home… bitch!
(clicks heels together)
There’s no place like home… asshole!
(clicks heels together)
There’s no place like home… stupid whore!

The camera scene swirls and turns cloudy grey, and the scene fades to black, with the voice of LUAKELETE heard one last time…

LUAKELETE
So long, fucktards!

Fade to black.

INT- FARMHOUSE- DAY

The camera fades in on a black and white scene of LUAKELETE lying on a couch. AUNTIE EM, CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT, CLYDE/MATT, and CLEETUS/PSYCHOMELTDOWN all stand around her looking concerned. LUAKELETE stirs and opens her eyes. She looks about for a moment, and then sits up suddenly.

LUAKELETE
Oh Auntie Em! I had the strangest dream!
I was in a place that was strange and magical,
and I tried and tried to get home, and Doctor What
was there, and Matt was there, and Psychomeltdown
was there… and at the end of it, I said a lot of naughty words!

AUNTIE EM /KILNGIRL
Now now dear, you’ve had a hard time of it.
The tornado shook you up and you hit your head.
But you’re alright now.

LUAKELETE
Oh, but BOBO isn’t! The sheriff
is coming to take him away!

CLEM/DOCTOR WHAT
No, he isn’t! You see, Mrs. Haversham was
killed in the tornado when her collection of
barbecue skewers went flying around and
went right through her! She’s dead!

LUAKELETE
Oh, what a wonderful day!
There is no place like home!

LUAKELETE and the others have a happy group hug and the picture fades to black.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

The door opens and LANDSHARK walks into the room.

LANDSHARK
Hi honey, I’m home!

The camera switches views to show IRON YUPPIE lying on the couch, asleep. She startles awake, and looks at LANDSHARK with bleary eyes. She sits up and rubs her head.

IRON YUPPIE
I had the weirdest dream. You and I were
raising some kid named LUAKEL, and I
was reading a story to him, and then we
were all in the story… I’m so confused.

LANDSHARK
LUAKEL? Bloody hell.
Damn it, LUAKEL, how many damned times
have I told you to keep to your own damn quarters?

LUAKEL comes out of a room, clutching a blankie.

LUAKEL
But I’m so scared.
I miss my mommy.

LANDSHARK
Bollucks. Get your arse out of here!

LUAKEL
I don’t wanna!

LANDSHARK grabs LUAKEL and drags him to the door, giving him a swift kick in the rear.

LANDSHARK
And stay the hell out of here!

IRON YUPPIE
So it wasn’t a dream?

LANDSHARK
Have you been eating FLOCC’s curry again?

IRON YUPPIE
Maybe.
(pause)
Kiss my feet, lackey!

LANDSHARK
I live to grovel!

He kneels down and generously applies lips to boots. The final shot shows IRON YUPPIE looking happy, as if everything is right and normal with the world again.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS