TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

MICHAEL, KIT, and LUAKEL are in the Mess Hall. MICHAEL is sitting at an empty table, KIT is looking at a magazine, and LUAKEL is spinning in a circle, arms outstretched, making airplane noises.

MICHAEL
Dude, this sucks

LUAKEL
(stops spinning)
What does?

MICHAEL
I’ve been on this ship for ages. Do you know
when the last time was that I got off the ship?

LUAKEL
(inquisitively)
No, when was it?

MICHAEL
Crap. Was hoping you could tell me.

MICHAEL puts his head into his hands and looks at the ground, LUAKEL goes to pat him on the back, but the weird grin from KIT makes him pause.

KIT
Go on, help him get off

MICHAEL
(practically leaps up)
I uhh. I think Psychomeltdown wanted me down
in engineering, something about
the band we were putting together.

MICHAEL runs off.

LUAKEL sits there, nervously. KIT walks over and sits next to him.

KIT
So, have you been, “indoctrinated”
into the crew yet?

LUAKEL
(Brightly)
No sir! Would you indoctrinate me.
(practically begging)
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease

KIT
(slightly worried about how easy it is)
Are you wearing a wire?!!
(looks around quickly)
I never touched them! It was consensual! I never spiked their drinks!
(under his breath and looking shadily to his left)
THANDE promised those pills would be undetectable.

LUAKEL continues grinning while KIT scurries out of the Mess Hall.

LUAKEL climbs onto an empty table and begins spinning again, arms out, and emitting airplane noises.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SECOND STRINGERS”

Written By : MICHAEL

ACT I

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

Fade in: TORQUMADA is examining FLOCCULENCIO’s hand.

TORQUMADA
That’s not a rash. That’s a friction burn.

FLOCCULENCIO
No really, it’s a, uhh, rash.
From all that.
(mumbles)

TORQUMADA
What? Good God man!
That can’t be healthy

FLOCCULENCIO
(face goes slightly red)
err…..
(very quietly)
but I like it

TORQUMADA
And I enjoy cutting people up, doesn’t
mean I go out of my way to do it!

FLOCCULENCIO Looks around at all the chopped up cadavers lying about the Med Bay, missing bits and pieces.

FLOCCULENCIO
Nooo, you’re a model of self restraint

TORQUMADA
(leaning in very close to Flocc and brandishing a scalpel)
Don’t compare me to you, you. deviant.
(leans back)
NOW GET OUT!

FLOCCULENCIO runs out with his pants between his legs, not looking, he runs into PSYCHOMELTDOWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the fuck!
(looks and sees Flocc)
Oh, hey Flocc, what’s up?

FLOCCULENCIO
Not much man
Just had a rash that needed looking to.

TORQUMADA
(shouting)
That’s no rash!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Confusedly)
Thande should have something to fix that for you.

TORQUMADA
THANDE!!
I AM THE DOCTOR ON THIS SHIP!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyway pull up those pants and you
can be a guitar player in our band.

FLOCCULENCIO
(hastily pulling up his pants)
Guitar? Cool, I’ve always wanted to be bass.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Really? Well too bad, I’m bass and
vocals you’ll have to be keyboard

FLOCCULENCIO
but you just said…
(shakes head)
Whatever, man.
That’s cool too

TORQUMADA
(still shouting)
I am the medical doctor on this ship!
I am….
(softly)
Am I?

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
I am sooooo bored. GBW, why are we just
circling the planet, why don’t you and I pilot
the shuttle down and we’ll get some beer and hookers?

GBW
LEO hasn’t completed a scan, and so
hasn’t told us what’s down there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where is he anyway, this scan
can’t be taking that long.

DIAMOND
(standing behind Doc)
Maybe he’s being extra cautious after the last time?

DOCTOR WHAT
(leaps into the air and spins around)
HOLY CRAP! I thought we left you
at the pub in the hub of the.
(mumbles )
mubmiverse

DIAMOND
The where?

Suddenly a bottle of empty absinthe flies across the screen concussing DIAMOND.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you. Now, would someone please go find
LEO, normally just saying his name is enough

INT – CARGO BAY 3 – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen to be walking towards a large raised dias, MICHAEL, LEO, and OTHNIEL are already there. MICHAEL is holding a harp, OTHNIEL is sitting at a pipe organ, and LEO is holding two microphones.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hi,MICHAEL, cool harp,
I used to have one just like it!

OTHNIEL
Lyre.

MICHAEL
Damnit. OTHNIEL, that’s my joke. Why
else do you think I have this crappy thing?
(MICHAEL puts the lyre down and picks up a bass guitar)
So what instrument do you play Flocc.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Meet our new-

FLOCCULENCIO
(interrupting)
Electric Violin player!
(he looks around to the other band members)
What the hell kind of band is this,
and what does LEO play?

LEO, using slightly stiff movements, presses a point on himself, four turntables and an extra microphone appear.

LEO
I play myself

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has to stifle a giggle.

MICHAEL
(disdainfully)
Grow up, Psycho. In answer to your question .Flocc,
we don’t really have a style, we mostly just jam,
and play what we want.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wait wait wait. You’re telling me LEO plays
with himself on a stage in front of the crew?
Does this end badly?

PSYHCOMELTDOWN
(brightly)
Routinely

FLOCCULENCIO
Fair enough.

FLOCCULENCIO wanders to a reasonably empty area of the stage and unpacks his violin from it’s case. PSYCHOMELTDOWN goes to his spot at the front and picks up his lead guitar, MICHAEL readies his bass guitar, and OTHNIEL turns around to face his massive pipe organ set.

LEO
(he raises one of his fingers)
And a one, and a two.

LEO clicks his finger and they all leap into what they had intended to play, strangely, even with the amazingly bizarre choice of instruments, what they play is actually pretty good. FLOCCULENCIO is standing in his spot listening in amazement, he picks up his violin and play his heart out.

They jam for a good ten minutes before DAVE HOWERY wanders over from the Engineering section.

DAVE HOWERY
(pissed)
SHUT UP! Just shut up! I’ve been listening to
your music from in the pipes and it’s so very loud!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sheepishly)
We’re sorry.

DAVE HOWERY
(Giving a stern look)
Don’t you have work to do on the engine, Psycho.
(Psycho looks at his feet in shame)

MICHAEL
Screw you DAVE! You can’t tell us
what to do! You’re not our real dad!

DAVE HOWERY
You don’t’ even know who your real day is!
(laughing)

MICHAEL stares at DAVE HOWERY for a moment, then he throws the lyre at him knocking him unconscious.

OTHNIEL
Jeepers! You killed Dave!
They’ll sanctify you for sure!

LEO
(Nudging Dave with his foot)
He’s not dead

EVERYONE
(Disappointment)
Aww

LEO
He’s just ko’ed

FLOCCULENCIO begins rifling through DAVE HOWERY’s pockets.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell are you doing?

FLOCCULENCIO
Looking for some way to get out of here
(surreptiously pockets wallet)

Fade out:

INT. – CARGO BAY 3 – DAY

LATER…

TORQUMADA, DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK are standing around a newly conscious DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
(Rising slowly to his feet)
Oh god, the front of my head.
What hit me?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Holding up the lyre)
I think it was a harp

GREY WOLF
(drinking from a flask)
Lyre.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you calling me a liar?

TORQUMADA
That’s enough you two, Dave’s obviously suffered quite
a severe injury, we’re dealing wan unknown number of
assailants with intentions unknown. I suggest we find
them, bring them back to my lab, and allow me to precede
to dissect them in a gruesome and unholy manner.
(smiles)

DOCTOR WHAT
(stepping away from Torq)
Obviously what we need to do, is run back to where we were
and send out the security goons to investigate

LANDSHARK
(Pulls out cricket bat)
Let’s go kick some arse!
(pause)
If it’s okay with IronYuppie….

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

Our illustrious muso’s are running down a corridor. They all have their instruments with them, OTHNIEL has a shrunken version of his pipe organs with him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Do we go for the
teleporters or the shuttle bay?

MICHAEL
Shuttles. It’s been ages since I’ve ridden
in one, and I owe G.Bone money.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Me too.
Shuttles it is…

They all run down the corridor.

Fade out:

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The remainder of the crew are all in the Control Room, KIT runs in slightly late, leading to DOCTOR WHAT shooting him a stern look.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, now that we’re all here, I figure I’d
better tell you what’s happening. We don’t
know. Dave, you can speak now

Most of the crew look at each other in confused manner.

DAVE HOWERY
(his head has a bandage wrapped around it)
Okay, so I walked into the spare room, I remember saying
“Who are you, and what are you doing!” The next thing
I know, I’m being awoken and asked what happened.

IRON YUPPIE
So, you don’t know how many there were?

DAVE HOWERY
No

IRON YUPPIE
Or what their intentions are?

DAVE HOWERY
No

IRON YUPPIE
Or where they went?

DAVE HOWERY
No

IRON YUPPIE
Well then, what do you know?

DAVE HOWERY
That being smashed in the face with a harp
is not conducive to staying conscious

GREY WOLF
(opening bottle)
lyre.

IRON YUPPIE
How do we know you didn’t just fall over?

DAVE HOWERY
uhh.

TORQUMADA
It is true that you’ve been
complaining of dizziness lately.

DAVE HOWERY
But that’s not what happened!
I was just hung over then!

DOCTOR WHAT
(long pause)
Regardless of [Dave’s strange problems, I still think
that we should all remain on alert for anyone
different to us, and for crying out loud, don’t split up!

The crew all just look at one another and wander off in dribs and drab.s

DOCTOR WHAT
uhh, dismissed! Watch out for anything suspicious!

DOCTOR WHAT looks askew at DAVE HOWERY, who quickly wanders off.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really need to find some disciplined people who
won’t shrug off any warning I give them
as being completely insane.

There’s a loud crash. Pan over to see GREY WOLF passed out.

Fade to black:

GREY WOLF (over black)
(mumbling)
Aren’t you a little pretty unicorn…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

Our intrepid musicians are running toward a shuttle, they stop just short of it as they get near. There’s various loud noises emanating from the shuttle.

OTHNIEL
What the hell is that noise?
(opens shuttle door)

They all walk toward the shuttle and look in. LUAKEL is at the controls, making sound effects.

MICHAEL
(deadpan)
What are you doing?

LUAKEL
Reliving the coolest scene from Star Wars ever!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(slightly confused)
But you’re in a transport shuttle.

LUAKEL
(Excitedly)
Exactly, how awesome was it when Luke Starkiller
piloted the transport shuttle into Darth Hideous,
ending his reign forever!

MICHAEL
But that’s not how Star Wars ended.

LUAKEL
(Dismissively)
You obviously haven’t seen the proper version

FLOCCULENCIO
(excitedly)
DUDE THAT SCENE ROCKED! IT WAS ALL LIKE,
KABLAMMO! And then Princess Leyed got naked,
and it was just awesome

MICHAEL
(to Psycho)
We must see this version

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding)
Sounds a damn sight better then your version

OTHNIEL
So what do we do now? It’s not like
any of us know how to pilot the shuttle.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Y’know, I probably could. Thande’s said
I’ve piloted a shuttle before, but beats the
hell out of me, if it did or didn’t.

MICHAEL
You mean we’ve come all this way for nothing!?

FLOCCULENCIO
Not nothing, you totally ko’ed Dave Howery,
(hold up Dave’s wallet)
And I totally got his wallet

MICHAEL
Hell yeah!
(They high five)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If you two are done congratulating each other
(Michael and Flocc shake their heads no)
idtiots…
(Psycho pushes Luakel out of the seat)
I’ll fly us to a venue where our music will be appreciated,
and the underwear thrown at us won’t be Landshark’s.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I thought that was kind of weird…

The shuttle hatch closes, muffled cheering is heard coming from inside, the shuttle flyes out of the shuttle bay, and heads toward the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
(outraged)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY WALLET’S GONE!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, we found it, it’s on that planet, but we
can’t get it because the last shuttle just left.

LANDSHARK
Don’t we have tons of shuttles?

MATT
(sighing)
Dave’s not been maintaining them, they’re all
rusted or broken, and well… Weapon M and I
use them for target practice…

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway, it looks like we’re stuck here until
we can find a replacement for LEO.

MATT
Leo’s gone?
Damnit, what are we going to do until then?

KIT
(Holding a pack of cards)
I have an idea.

Fade out on KIT’s grin.

EXT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

Camera zooms in on the shuttle, which is oddly in a barely controlled spin and still going forward.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

MICHAEL
(pressed against the wall from the centrifugal force)
Well at least Matt’s armour isn’t here to crush us this time!

FLOCCULENCIO
(also pressed against a wall)
This is your standard method of planetary insertion?

MICHAEL
Yeah, we can’t use the teleporters too much or
they get un-calibrated, and let’s just say that G.Bone
doesn’t inspire much confidence when he’s repairing it

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
yeah, I don’t think smashing the teleporter
with a hammer fixes it. But it does work
when you do it to the shift engines.

LEO
(Under his breath)
I wonder how far they’ll be splattered on impact

LUAKEL
Why is the robo-man staring at me?

OTHNIEL
Oh don’t mind him. He’s just sizing you up in
case we need to kill someone to survive.
The rest of us can take him.

MICHAEL
(Holding up empty sleeve)
Though he doesn’t fight fair.

LUAKEL
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
(leaps over towards the control and presses the big red button)

FLOCCULENCIO
(Seeing what Luakel pressed)
This is going to end badly, no?

OTHNIEL
You keep saying that like there’s another way.

The camera pans out of the shuttle, it stops spinning, but does accelerate, straight into a tar pit, the camera quickly zooms out again, and rapidly moves to the other side of the world, where the shuttle has just broken through the ground inside a small dwelling

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Stop
(slaps Luakel)
Pressing
(slaps Luakel)
Random
(slaps Luakel)
Butttons
(slaps Luakel)
You
(slaps Luakel)
Silly
(slaps Luakel)
Teenager
(slaps Luakel)
(Pauses)
(slaps Luakel again for good measure)

MICHAEL
That was the most girly beat down I have ever seen.
And I’ve seen Sharky fight Doc

OTHNIEL
(Examining the house the came up in the middle of )
Hey, there’s some cars in here, we could
go on tour while we left the shuttle here!

MICHAEL
(excitedly)
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!
WE COULD BE LIKE THE BLUES BROTHERS!!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Good idea, OTHNIEL, is there a cop car?

OTHNIEL
No, but there’s a pickup

MICHAEL
You mean a ute

OTHNIEL
No, a pickup. I know what I mean.
We’re not in Australia you bizarre little man,
so calling it a pickup is correct.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Heh, he is bizarre, what kind of freak
hates red heads and is afraid of ducks?

MICHAEL
What kind of freak likes red heads?
Especially some skinny wench like
Alyson Hannigan?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Do not speak of Alyson in such a manner!
(angry)
I’ll kill you!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN lunges at MICHAEL, but MICHAEL quickly jumps out of the hatch and out of the shuttle.

MICHAEL
(Runs back in holding a sheet of paper)
Haha retards! We are in Australia! So it is a ute!

LEO
(Grabbing bit of paper)
“All hail Emperor Atwell, supreme ruler of Australia,
and by proxy, the world, yes, this does mean you”?
What a strange poster

FLOCCULENCIO
Wait, how does Australia conquer the world,
that’s almost completely implausible

MICHAEL
Obviously we nicked it while you buggers were sleeping.
Come on, we are all descended from convicts.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well at least now we have a use for Michael,
he can speak that strange language
and knows the customs.

MICHAEL
You’re right! No one else on the ship could possibly
have as much knowledge of Australia as I.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Looking out window)
Is Australia always this desolate?

Outside is mostly rubble with no significant urban buildup around the house they come up in.

MICHAEL
Hmm, this could pose a problem if we actually
want to perform for something other then wallabies.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, do they pay well?

MICHAEL
They’re marsupials, they don’t carry around cash.
Though they do have pockets.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(throwing some instruments into the back of the ute)
Well, the only way for us to find people, is to drive.
(He gets in the drivers seat)

MICHAEL
SHOTGUN!

FLOCCULENCIO
SHOTGUN!
(beat)
Fuck

LUAKEL
(happpily)
Shotgun’s lap.

MICHAEL
Fuck.

The rest pile into the tray of the ute and PSYCHOMELTDOWN starts driving down the road.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK, DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY and IRON YUPPIE are all standing in the Teleportatin Room, G.BONE is behind the controls, looking nervous.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now G.Bone you’re sure this will work?

G.BONE
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies

DAVE HOWERY
I feel my morale plummeting already, and look,
we’re only 10 minutes into the away mission

The control console suddenly explodes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah screw this, who wants to get drunk
and watch porn in my quarters?

There are only vague outlines of where DAVE HOWERY, LANDSHARK and IRON YUPPIE once were, G.BONE is trying to creep out as well.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh no you don’t, you’ve gotta fix
that thing. Call me when it’s done

G.BONE
I never get to watch porn. Or get drunk.
Or go on away missions. Well at least
I’m out side the house away from my parents
(A beat)
(bursts into tears)

INT. – UTE – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL and MICHAEL are in the front of the ute, MICHAEL has his head out the window.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I keep telling you, he wasn’t my uncle!

LUAKEL
Then why do you start the story,
“a man who claimed to be my uncle”?

MICHAEL
Gah! A bug went in my eye!

CAMERA CUTS TO BACK SEAT

FLOCCULENCIO
LEO, I’ve been meaning to ask. How exactly
is the ship functioning without you on it?

LEO
The ship can last for hours at a time without me
there to control it all. So long as no one actually
changes any of the settings,

CUT TO –

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – REC ROOM – DAY

MATT is in the Rec Room with WEAPON M and GBW.

MATT
Damn it’s warm, just let me
change the aircon setting.

CUT TO –

INT. – UTE BACKSEAT – DAY

LEO
Yeah, they’ll all be fine.

OTHNIEL
And if someone does?

LEO
(Hesitantly)
The people not on the ship will be perfectly fine?

FLOCCULENCIO
So, “we” have nothing to worry about?

LEO
Correct

FLOCCULENCIO
Huzzah

OTHNIEL
But what of the crewmen on the ship?

LEO
Didn’t we just finish that conversation?

FLOCCULENCIO
Topic necromancy! Retro Vade Satanas!
(Flicks OTHNIEL with Appletini from his flask)

OTHNIEL
(Confused)
Sorry.?
(A beat)
Will you stop flicking me with that stuff?
Where’d you get so much of it anyway?

FLOCCULENCIO
Dunno. I made a deal with some guy named Stan

OTHNIEL
You mean Satan?

FLOCCULENCIO starts looking nervous, when suddenly, MICHAEL starts reacting to the bug in his eye, flailing his arms wildly, and knocking PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s hands off the steering wheel, ending them careening into the last remaining speed limit sign, which oddly stops the truck cold.

OTHNIEL
Ow.

MICHAEL
Hey, that got the bug out.
(a beat)
Shit. No it didn’t.
(begins flailing again)

Suddenly a horde or angry locals arrive, brandishing sharp stick and dressing ala NED KELLY, one throws a stick at FLOCCULENCIO’s flask, puncturing it.

LOCAL 2
Haha! Got one! Take that ya dirty wog!

LOCAL 1
Look at their strange trackies mate!
And that tall Indian is having a sook,
musta hit him in the donger!

LOCAL 2
Well that would explain the weird stuff leaking out

By this point FLOCCULENCIO has dropped to his knees, thrown his head back and is shaking his fists at the skies, LUAKEL sneakily wanders off.xx

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Umm.. We come in peace, so don’t kill us?

LOCAL 1
Got any idea what this bastard’s saying mate?

LOCAL 2
No idea you bludger, open your bloody eyes
and have a gander, he’s obviously fresh off the boat.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Obviously not understanding a word)
If you’d just let us use the phone.

LOCAL 1
I think ‘e’s cracking onto you mate

LOCAL 2
You drongo, Emporer Atwell drove off all the pooftahs,
look, you handle these galah’s, I’m off for a root

OTHNIEL
(To his crewmen)
Did he just say Atwell,
wasn’t that DMA’s name?

LOCAL 1
You better not be at those
bloody sheep again

LOCAL 2
Hardy fucking ha, look, if these guys turn
out to be seppo’s, give ‘em what for

LOCAL 1
Bloody oath!
(Pulls stick out of Appletini flask, which is strangely still leaking, and holds it in a threatening manner)

MICHAEL
I think I understood what that second guy said.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What did he say?

MICHAEL
No wait, I’ve got no idea.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I fail to see how we couldn’t train
a duck to perform your function

LUAKEL suddenly stands up behind the LOCAL, and cracks a large rock over his helmet.

LUAKEL
(Nervously)
Umm. You’re meant to fall down

LOCAL 1
(Turns to face Luakel)
You haven’t got buckley’s of knocking me
down mate, I’m built like a brick shithouse

LUAKEL
eep

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NOW!

The other AH.commers doggy pile the LOCAL, KOing him.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well done lads, we showed him what for, eh?

MICHAEL
Dibs on the wallet.

FLOCCULENCIO
Fuck.

OTHNIEL
Maybe we should flee before the other guard arrives?

LEO
Excellent suggestion, my scans indicate a van over there,
and it seems to contain some sort of amplication device.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Great

CUT TO – Door sliding shut on the van.

WHITE OUT TO: Van driving down the road, into the setting sun.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – REC ROOM – DAY

GBW, MATT and WEAPONM are huddled together shivering.

MATT
This sucks. Can’t I fire a few rounds at the door?

GBW
You did that, nothing happened. We made it so
that the ship wouldn’t be affected by our own weapons.

WEAPONM
Yes, I can certainly see how that change
would benefit us in a situation such as this.

GBW
HOW OFTEN DO WE GET TRAPPED
IN OUR OWN DAMN SPACESHIP!

MATT
Well there was that time the toilet door
jarred and I couldn’t get out

WEAPONM
Strange you haven’t complained
about that event ’till now

MATT
Who’s complaining?

GBW
I feel something hard in the small of my back…

Fade out:

EXT. STADIUM – NIGHT

Camera pans to a sign.

“ONE NIGHT ONLY
THE AH’ERS/ J.W.G.J.A.U./ 1337357!
PLAYING ALL YOUR FAVOURITE,
AND NOT SO FAVOURITE SONGS
OF THE ’80′S, ’90′S AND TODAY!

Camera continues panning and shows our reckless band members, on a raised dais, holding their respective instruments, the rest of the stadium is empty…

MICHAEL
I told you we should have gotten more publicity

LEO
If you play it, they will come

MICHAEL
Oh what do you know, you won’t even let us install
a manual killswitch to shut you down in case you
“malfunction” again.

LEO
ONE TIME I GO EVIL! ONE TIME!
(under his “breath”)
but not the last..

OTHNIEL
I’m telling you, he keeps threatening us in a scary voice!

FLOCCULENCIO
Quiet you paranoid person you.
Let’s just play. What’s first?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dunno, Michael, go find us some booze to get us in the right mood

MICHAEL
Roger roger.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I keep telling you my name isn’t Roger!

MICHAEL
Well Psychomeltdown is too hard
to say in casual conversation!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighing)
Just go!

MICHAEL
(angry)
FINE!

MICHAEL wanders off, mumbling.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN moseys over to LEO and puts a quarter into him, then punches in three numbers.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Everyone ready?

LUAKEL
Wait! What do I do?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
DANCE MONKEY BOY!
(Cracks guitar string at Luakel’s feet)
DANCE!
(A beat)
Ok, hit it Leo.

The music to “I LIKE BIG BUTTS BY SIR MIX-A-LOT” starts coming out of LEO, the other band members begin playing as well.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I like red hair and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with a red framed face
She just lights up the place
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that hair was fluffed
And damn, that style she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that hair you got

FLOCCULENCIO/OTHNIEL
(Falsetto)
Make me so hawny!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ooh, throw that blonde dye in the bin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupie

MICHAEL comes back with some bottles and a few glasss. He stops and then throws a bottle at LUAKEL, ending his dancing before he can really begin.

MICHAEL
(in an evil monotone)
You swore you’d never play that song

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You put so much effort into it..

MICHAEL
YOU SWORE AN OATH ON
ALLYSON HANNIGON’s FACE!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, so I lied to you

MICHAEL
(slightly panicked)
but people may think it means I like red heads!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
God forbid they think you’re normal

MICHAEL starts to sob.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t worry, your transformation into a
normal person is coming along nicely.
You don’t have to cry

MICHAEL
(upset)
Yes I do
(recovering)
Ah forget it, give me a quarter and
we’ll play something else

LUAKEL
Can I have a turn?

MICHAEL
Sure, why not

LUAKEL puts in another quarter into LEO, and pushing some different buttons. “AMERICAN PIE” by Don Mclean starts.

LUAKEL
A long, long time ago
I can still remember when the wombats made me smile
and I knew if I had the chance
that I could make those people dance
so maybe they would spare my life awhile
Cos all these Aussies make me shiver
They want to roast my lungs and liver
Why’d I leave the spaceship
And go off on this road trip?
I do not think the crew will cry
If this goes wrong and I should die
They’ll just get drunk while flying high
Won’t even
say
goodbye

THE OTHERS
And we were singing
My, my who’s this Luakel guy
He say’s he’s fourteen but I really think that’s a lie
It’s just a cover cos he is FBI
We just know that he’s a federal spy
Know that he’s a federal spy’

MICHAEL
Why’d you post so much that week,
We all really thought you were a massive freak,
Did rommy tell you to?
Do you believe it was nor-mal
Could posting save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to spam so well?

LUAKEL
Well I know that you think it’s a sin
To post so much in a time so thin
You all knocked out my teeth
Man, those doctors bills gave me the blues

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With nowhere to go, and no-o luck
But we knew you was out of luck
When, you first died

ALL BAR LUAKEL
And we were singing
My, my who’s this Luakel guy
He say’s he’s fourteen but I really think that’s a lie
It’s just a cover cos he is FBI
We just know that he’s a federal spy
Know that he’s a federal spy’

FLOCCULENCIO
Now for two years, we’ve been on our own
Then you showed and destroyed our home
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the Doctor posted for Grimm and Yuppie
In a coat he borrowed from Landsharky
And he appealed both, to you and me

LEO
Oh, and while Great Ian was looking down,
That guy mike went nuts and to town
The forum was adjourned;
The verdict was he’s banned!.
And while Kadyet read a book of god,
The newbs spammed it up in the park,
And we talked purges in the dark
The day the forum died.

ALL BAR LUAKEL
And we were singing
My, my who’s this Luakel guy
He say’s he’s fourteen but I really think that’s a lie
It’s just a cover cos he is FBI
We just know that he’s a federal spy
Know that he’s a federal spy’

LUAKEL
Helter skelter in a crosstime traveller.
Straha high in a fallout shelter,
Eight puffs high and falling fast.
He landed foul on his ass.
That KIT tried for a forward grab,
With the doctor on the sidelines with the cast.

Just before LUAKEl can get stuck into the rest of the song, a shuttle suddenly crashing into the stadium.

DOCTOR WHAT
( kicks out the exit door )
Warmth. Fresh air. KIT no longer rubbing against me!

KIT
Ah, you loved every second

MICHAEL
What exactly are you babbling about?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, when someone, not gonna
mention any names, someone,
(glares at Psycho)
decided to take Leo off the ship and not put
a backup in or anything, the ship malfunctioned
when Matt got too warm, and lowered the A.C.,
we’ve been stuck in -24* Celsius before we were
finally able to get a shuttle going by jury rigging
a catapault out of Landshark’s underwear

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How’d you get Sharky out of his underwear?

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
why would we do that?

The others shudder in disgust

LUAKEL
Does this mean our grand tour’s over?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
1 gig is not a tour

FLOCCULENCIO
We didn’t even get paid for this

They all shuffle back onto the shuttle, LEO effortlessly takes them back to the ship.

Fade out:

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is standing before the Teleporation Tube, surrounded by instruments.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do it G.Bone.

All the instruments disappear, DOCTOR WHAT watches them go in satisfaction, but when he turns to the other band members, minus LEO, they all look rather apathetic.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why aren’t you upset! You should be
wailing over the loss of your instruments!

LUAKEL
You actually teleported out my blackberry,
could I get that back? It’s got some rather
personal pictures on there.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Grasping for some kind of victory)
What? NO! And all of you are banned
from going off ship anytime soon!

MICHAEL
HA! Like that we get off this damn thing anyway

The others nod ‘yes’ and wander out, G.BONE tries to follow them, but DOCTOR WHAT seems increasingly desperate for any victory.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh no you don’t! You have to fix the teleporter!

G.BONE
What!?

DOCTOR WHAT
No buts, just do it
(He wanders out triumphantly)
Damn straight I’m in charge

G.BONE
(slouching onto the control panel)
I hate them all.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS