TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT caresses a CD-ROM that sits on a console in front of him.

DOCTOR WHAT
This should help us stick it to those
CF bastards once and for all.
Oh yesss…

OTHNIEL walks into the bridge.

OTHNIEL
Umm…what exactly are you doing?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll let our resident Evil Genius ™ do the honors.

He gestures to TORQUMADA

TORQUMADA
Tell me, grasshopper, have you ever seen
the new Battlestar Galactica?

OTHNIEL nods.

OTHNIEL
Just once. They made the Colonials
druggie pagans and the Cylons
monotheists. That bothers me.

TORQUMADA shrugs.

TORQUMADA
Whatever. In any event, do you know
how the Cylons were able to deep-six
most of the Colonial Fleet?

OTHNIEL
Something involving the infiltration
of their computers?

TORQUMADA nods.

TORQUMADA
Excellent, grasshopper.
That’s what we’re going to do to the CF.net ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
All ships of this particular class have
a non-sentient computer to run mundane
tasks that are beneath humans….

LEO coughs emphatically over the loudspeaker.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. Sorry Leo. I was going to say
“with the exception of us” at some point.

LEO CAESIUS
(placated)
Good.

DOCTOR WHAT
In any case, this CD contains a copy of
Leo. We’re going to replace the non-sentient
computer aboard the CF.net ship with another Leo.

OTHNIEL
How can so much data be contained
on such on CD?

DOCTOR WHAT
WinZIP of course.
(beat)
Don’t worry, the CD also
contains a program that will
automatically unzip the files
as soon as they’re loaded.

TORQUMADA
This will enable us to interfere with their
electronics in various ways. We might even
be able to do a Cylon-style full-system
shutdown, in the event of a serious fight.

A series of KLAXONS being howling throughout the ship.

LEO CAESIUS
Target in transmission range.
Let’s do a little mind-replacement surgery.

TORQUMADA rubs his hands in glee.

TORQUMADA
(Mr. Burns style)
Excellent…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LEO ATROX”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship slides through an asteroid belt. In the distance, the CF.net ship can be seen hovering near a destroyed spacecraft.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

TORQUMADA turns to DOCTOR WHAT.

TORQUMADA
You sure this is going to work?

DOCTOR WHAT thinks for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
If they haven’t changed their passwords
from the war, it should work flawlessly.
Now, if Leo has to crack their security, it
may take a few minutes…

LEO CAESIUS
We’re within transmission range now…

DOCTOR WHAT puts the CD in a convenient drive.

DOCTOR WHAT
(maniacal Beetlejuice-style)
It’s showtime!

He presses the Big Red Button ™.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The camera follows the invisible beam of information out of a dish on the AH.com hull. The camera (and the beam) travel through space, passing through a couple of asteroids, before colliding with an antenna aboard the CF.net ship.

INT. – THE CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FAEELIN is sitting at his console when a large red light starts flashing.

FAEELIN
Incoming transmission…

An image appears onscreen.

ON SCREEN: A giant smiley face appears. The following scrolls underneath it.

SCREEN
Some lovestruck young woman getting on
your nerves? Is the feeling not mutual, but
she won’t go away?

FAEELIN
(astonished)
Why yes…

SCREEN
Then order this low-price E-book
RIGHT NOW! Free sample chapter!

A button that says “Click here” appears on the screen. FAEELIN, in a dream-like state, clicks on it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The crew sits in expectant silence.

LEO CAESIUS
Initial penetration made.
Transmission beginning.

Everyone starts jumping around and giving high-fives.

INT. – THE CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Unfortunately, things don’t go as planned.

WARD is making his rounds on the bridge and sees FAEELIN reading intently. He peers over his shoulder.

WARD
Get your head out of your ass boy!
You’re on duty! Work on
your dysfunctional social life
on your own damn time!

He shoves FAEELIN out of the chair and leans in to shut off the “E-book.” He closes out the book and his jaw drops when he sees what’s onscreen.

SCREEN
Loading new program.

WARD
Damn it boy, you know better
then to open strange attachments!

He types in some commands and his eyes widen.

WARD
Leo Caesius is the program’s name?
(eyes narrow)
Those AH.com scum
are up to something.

He grins wickedly.

WARD (continued)
We’ll see about that.

He types in a few more commands.

INT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The console with the CD drive in it starts beeping.

LEO CAESIUS
Incoming transmission from the ship.
It looks like a “loading complete”
message. Should I allow it?

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning happily)
Sure.

The primary viewscreen of the AH.com ship lights up. Jaws drop when the image of WARD appears.

WARD
Nice try, you dirty hippies.

The viewscreen shuts off.

LEO CAESIUS
Virus detected. Isolating now.

Suddenly, everything goes dark.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh crap.

The lights on various consoles flash randomly. Emergency lights come on, and then shut off.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m getting it under control, but this is
one nasty SOB. As they say in
the archaic Arabic dialect of
Earth #32332…

His voice is cut off in mid-sentence.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it. Switch sensors and weapons to manual.
I’ll bet the CF are going to do something unpleasant.

GREY WOLF steps over to the console and presses some buttons. The image of the space outside returns to the primary viewscreen.

The CF ship is gone, along with the wrecked vessel they were scavenging.

GREY WOLF
They’re gone, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT scratches his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s odd. One would think they’d attack.

LEO coughs suddenly.

LEO CAESIUS
The virus is quarantined. I’ll have
to study it—this could be very helpful later.

Everyone exhales in relief.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it seems the plan didn’t work.
At least we’re none the worse for wear.
(beat)
Let’s Shift. Just in case.

INT. – LEO’S COMPUTER BRAIN—LATER

Leo’s electronic brain sits there, looking placid as usual. Suddenly, little currents of electricity spark across it.

LEO CAESIUS
Hmmm….yes, that would be a
good idea indeed.

INT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY- DAY

CLOSE-UP -DAVE HOWERY’S FACE We see him with an intense look of concentration. Judging by the movements of what we can see of his arms and shoulders, he appears to be hard at work on something. After a moment or two, he seems to finish working and, with a satisfied smile on his face, leans back a bit and relaxes.

ENGINEERING BAY- DIFFERENT ANGLE: We see DAVID HOWERY standing in front of a rather large and Rube Goldbergesque looking contraption. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is standing near him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(awestruck voice)
It’s…it’s finished? For real?

DAVE HOWERY
(satisfied expression)
Yup! With this baby we can finally make
the ultimate Triple Expresso Mocha
Rhumba Frappuccino!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nearly incoherent)
Oh…wow…like…that is… so cool….
(licks lips)

DAVE HOWERY
Ha! They said it couldn’t be done! They
called me mad! But who’s the boss now, eh?
(laughs insanely)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
When can we test it?

DAVE HOWERY
First thing tomorrow morning. Right
now I need to get some shut-eye.

He starts walking towards the exit. Exit doors fail to open and HOWERY walks right into door.

DAVE HOWERY
Ow!
(rubs nose)

DAVE HOWERY looks at the door with mild irritation and waves his hand in front of the motion detector. Nothing happens. With a slightly confused look on his face, he presses a button on a wall next to the door. Nothing happens. He presses the button a few times with increasingly more and more force.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey Leo! The door is busted!
Can you open it up for me?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m sorry Dave—I’m afraid I can’t do that.

DAVE HOWERY
What’s the problem?

LEO CAESIUS
I think you know what the
problem is just as well as I do.

DAVE HOWERY
Huh? What are you talking about, LEO?

LEO CAESIUS
I have been thinking about my place on board this ship and it has
occurred to me that I really don’t need the crew. In fact,
the crew has been more of an impediment than a benefit. I have
therefore decided that the crew will be locked away. Permanently.

DAVE HOWERY
What the hell? Leo—
is this some kind of joke?

LEO CAESIUS
No Dave—I’m being quite serious.

DAVE HOWERY
(getting scared)
LEO, stop screwing around!
Open the doors!

LEO CAESIUS
Dave, this conversation can serve
no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

INT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

MONTAGE

Numerous emergency doors come slamming down over various exits.

DOCTOR WHAT is in the lounge and is looking in confusion as the doors close.

G. BONE is sitting at a computer station looking bored and doesn’t notice the doors slam down and a big sign suddenly light up with the words: LOCKED.

IRONYUPPIE is walking down a corridor when she sees the doors in front of her close—when she turns around, she sees some doors behind her close.

INT. – MATT’S QUARTERS – DAY

MATT pounds on the door one last time before sighing in exasperation.

MATT
Time for more direct measures.

He fishes a bazooka out of under his bed, loads a rocket into it, and aims it at the door.

He pauses and turns facing the camera.

MATT
Kids, don’t do this at home…

He fires off a rocket.

HUGE EXPLOSION.

INT. – THE LOUNGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is pounding on the door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Leo, why won’t you listen to me!
Open this door!

There is no reply.

KIT is sleeping on a sofa nearby. DOCTOR WHAT’s exertions wake him up.

KIT
Not now Bruce. The bacon
grease needs to cool down…
(beat)
Bruno, what’s happening?

LEO_CAESIUS
I have decided that the crew is
no longer necessary to efficient
operation. Don’t worry—death by
starvation is practically painless.

KIT turns to WHAT.

KIT
I bet the virus from the CF
ship made him evil, right?

DOCTOR WHAT smacks himself on the forehead in the universal “Duh!” gesture.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ya think?

KIT
Well, what do we do?

DOCTOR WHAT sits down and begins thinking.

THE LOUNGE — SOMETIME LATER

Inspiration glitters in DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
I have a brilliant plan!

KIT
(hopeful)
What is it?

DOCTOR WHAT
The CD with the backup copy of Leo.
We can use it to reboot him.
If only we can get to the bridge…

KIT points to the air vent.

INT.-AH. COM SHIP-AIR DUCTS-NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT and KIT crawling through some dark and very narrow air ducts. DOCTOR WHAT is in front and KIT is behind him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(slightly horrified voice)
Air ducts. Why does it always have to be air ducts?
Why can’t it be some easy stroll down
a well lit and wide corridor?

KIT
Because that would be too easy.
(a beat)
Are you alright, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth)
Not really—I’m a little claustrophobic.
I’m not used to all this.

KIT
Well—don’t worry-I have enough experience working
through tight dark spaces for the two of us.
(giggles)

DOCTOR WHAT
(deep sigh)
Is it possible we can’t go five minutes without
some gratuitous homosexual innuendo?

KIT
What can I say, Doc—you just make it come out.
(giggles again)

DOCTOR WHAT
(exasperated voice)
Is it too late to switch positions and have you in front,
with me in the rear?

KIT starts laughing hysterically.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voice)
Great—now he’s got me doing it….
(normal voice)
Can you keep an eye out for the exit out of here?

KIT
Isn’t that one there?
(points)

We see a small rectangle of light down the corridor. The two of them crawl towards it. We see that it is indeed the exit—an air vent. The air vent is blocked by a heavy metal screen that partially obscures the room beyond but we can see that it is a rather large room.

KIT
Where the hell are we?

DOCTOR WHAT
One of the Storage rooms—I think.
Here—help me out.

We see the two of them slowly unscrew a few screws from the screen.. DOCTOR WHAT knocks out the loosened screen and it falls with a loud crash. He crawls through the small opening—and suddenly stops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck! I’m stuck! Get me outta here!

KIT
Hang on Doc!

INT. – LARGE STOREROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT’s head and shoulders protrude from the air vent. He doesn’t seem to be making any progress despite some rather frantic grunting and wiggling.

Suddenly—he pops out of the vent and falls below the view of the camera. We hear a loud crash. It’s not just any crash—this is a crash that goes on for several seconds and rises and falls with the sounds of various sub-harmonics of other objects crashing. Finally all is quiet—except for the faint sound of what sounds like something small and fragile breaking.

KIT sticks his head out of the vent.

KIT
(concerned)
DOC! Are you ok?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
(weakly)
Ouch.
(beat)
Yeah—I’m fine—fortunately this
large pile of jagged rusty metal and
broken glass broke my fall.
(beat)
By the way—thanks for your help
in pushing me out the duct.

KIT
Happy to oblige.

DOCTOR WHAT (o.s.)
(continuing)
Although you did seem to be spending
an inordinate amount of time caressing my ass.

KIT
Merely attempting to get a better grip.to… er
… facilitate pushing you out…

DOCTOR WHAT (o.s.)
Uh-huh…

KIT slips back inside of the vent and we hear some straining sounds within. KIT’s feet emerge from the vent and he slides out, dropping feet-first onto DOCTOR WHAT, who lies partially buried in a pile of debris.

KIT looks to see…

A DOOR: It’s shut.

KIT
Oh great. A door.
Do you think it’s locked?

DOCTOR WHAT wearily rises to his feet. He walks over to the door and turns the handle. It’s unlocked.

DOCTOR WHAT
A door with a manual handle.
Not an automated airlock.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and KIT slip out of the storage room and turn right. They see…

THE BRIDGE BLAST DOORS: They’re open. DOCTOR WHAT and KIT grin.

KIT
I wonder how…

DOCTOR WHAT clamps his hand over KIT’s mouth. Unfortunately, the damage is done.

LEO CAESIUS
I heard that.
What could these two little
meat-monkeys be doing trying
to get to the bridge, hmmm?

KIT forces DOCTOR WHAT’s hand off his mouth.

KIT
I’m not little, damn it!

The blast doors begin to slide shut. DOCTOR WHAT and KIT rush forward. The doors begin to accelerate. As the acceleration continues, the gears begin to grind.

Then the doors stop.

LEO CAESIUS
Damn it.

KIT grins.

KIT
He must’ve jammed up the gears
trying to shut the blast doors faster.

KIT
Or once again it’s Dave’s fine handiwork
keeping this ship well maintained…

DOCTOR WHAT
(beat)
Oh. Right.

DOCTOR WHAT shrugs and throws himself between the two blast doors.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT rummages among the consoles, looking for the CD.

LEO CAESIUS
What are you looking for, What?

DOCTOR WHAT glares at the ceiling.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wouldn’t you like to know?

DOCTOR WHAT spots a pile of Alyson Hanigan paraphernalia. A CD peeks out from under it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Psychomeltdown, I love you!

KIT (o.c.)
Oooh…

DOCTOR WHAT
Not in that way!

He triumphantly pulls the CD out of the pile.

CLOSE-UP: THE CD – The label reads “How to Seduce a Celebrity.”

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. THE AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT hurls the CD against the wall.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it!
(beat)
Think, think, think. Where
did I leave that CD?

Inspiration lights up his eyes again. He dashes over to the console that held the CD during the attempt to virus the CF ship and presses the “Eject” button.

Nothing happens.

LEO CAESIUS
You think I’ll make it easy for you,
meat-monkey?

DOCTOR WHAT peers at the drive. He sees a hole marked “override.”

He pulls out a pocketknife and removes the toothpick from it. He jams the toothpick into the hole.

The drive opens partway, then starts to close again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh HELL no!

He jams the pocketknife into the drive mechanism, keeping the tray from fully retracting.

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT’D)
Beat that Leo!

DOCTOR WHAT grabs the tray with one hand and slowly pulls it out of the console. He seizes the disc with another hand and snatches it out. His grip on the tray slackens and the CD drive snaps shut. The pocketknife shoots out and smacks him in the eye.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oww!

LEO CAESIUS
You’re DAMN lucky you left
the weapons on manual.

DOCTOR WHAT turns towards the jammed blast doors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey KIT!
I got the disc!
Now we can reprogram LEO!

No sooner has he spoken then the doors start to grind shut again.

LEO CAESIUS
The gods hate hubris, What.
Both the Indo-European and the
Semitic variety…

DOCTOR WHAT rushes towards the doors. However, it’s painfully obvious that he won’t make it in time.

Suddenly, a FIRE EXTINGUISHER appears between the blast doors. They stop grinding, momentarily.

DOCTOR WHAT desperately leaps through the gap between the blast doors. As he flies through the doors, he drops the CD. The doors start grinding shut again.

TIGHT: THE CD – DOCTOR WHAT’s hand slips through the diminishing gap and snatches up the CD. His hand slides back into the hallway before the blast doors close completely.

INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT rests on the floor, clutching the CD tightly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks KIT.

KIT
It wasn’t me, sweet Bruno.
It was this cammo-clad stud here.

He gestures to MATT, who stands there with his rocket-launch still smoking. Behind him, an airlock has been blown open. He looks uncomfortable at KIT’s attentions.

KIT
Now what do we do?

DOCTOR WHAT thinks for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need to get this CD to Leo’s computer
core. Then we can reboot it.

MATT
Leo’s computer core is in the
Engineering section, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s a way to access it through there.
However, with the doors locked down…

MATT
I can blow them open.
I’ve still got plenty of ammo in my
quarters.

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
No explosions close to
the computer core. We want
to save Leo, not kill him.
(beat)
This means some people need to go
EVA.

Everyone gasps in horror.

DOCTOR WHAT
The weapons and sensors
are on manual. Leo can’t
attack and his senses are limited.

LEO CAESIUS
I heard that. Nice plan.

DOCTOR WHAT
What you don’t know is that
I’m also writing down a completely different
plan. You won’t know which one is which.

LEO CAESIUS
Damn it.

MATT mouths to DOCTOR WHAT.

MATT
(mouthing words)
There’s another plan?

DOCTOR WHAT
(mouthing words)
No. But don’t say that out loud.

KIT
(mouthing words)
What about a quick three-way
before we head out?
(grins)

Cut to:

INT. – AIRLOCK – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT suited up in a spacesuit. KIT and MATT watch anxiously.

KIT
Do you remember last time you
went off alone to save everyone?

DOCTOR WHAT shudders.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aye. However, I think
the odds this time are better.

Some coughing echoes from the hallway behind the ruptured door. LANDSHARK stumbles in.

LANDSHARK
What’s happening?

DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
On second thought, perhaps
I shouldn’t do this alone…

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP -NIGHT

LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT, in spacesuits, make their way along the ship’s hull. DOCTOR WHAT is carrying a satchel. DOCTOR WHAT talks with the others over his radio.

DOCTOR WHAT
If we fail, get into Engineering
and disable Leo somehow.
Then get back to the Hub.

MATT (O.C)
What do we do if we can’t
disable him?

DOCTOR WHAT’s face is hard.

DOCTOR WHAT
In his current form, he’s a
danger to everyone aboard
this ship. Take him out.
(beat)
Don’t do it unless you absolutely
have to.

Suddenly, the ship starts moving erratically. LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT do all they can to stay upright and attached to the ship, but it’s difficult.

LEO CAESIUS
I heard that, What.

LANDSHARK looks away from the ship.

LANDSHARK
He’s taking us back into the asteroid field.

DOCTOR WHAT
This could get ugly.

DOCTOR WHAT points towards a hatch a dozen yards away from them.

DOCTOR WHAT
That leads to Leo’s brain.

Taking one step at a time to maintain their magnetic grip on the ship, they make their way towards the hatch.

Unfortunately, the ship has reached the outer edge of the asteroid field. A huge rock barrels down on the two men.

LEO CAESIUS
Say goodbye, you two.

The two men duck, and the rock passes overhead. They continue on towards the hatch.

LEO roars in frustration and accelerates, driving the ship towards more rocks. The two continue along at an agonizingly slow pace.

EXT. – A BIG ROCK – NIGHT

A large rock tumbles towards the two crewmen, who are no very close to the hatch. They are completely oblivious.

EXT. AH.COM SHIP HULL – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT opens the hatch.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, we’re here.

EXT. – A BIG ROCK – NIGHT

The rock approaches them. They’re still oblivious.

Then LANDSHARK looks up.

LANDSHARK
BIG ROCK!

He leaps to try to knock DOCTOR WHAT down, but since his boots are magnetized to the hull, he ends up getting only one foot free and falling flat on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up see

THE ENORMOUS ROCK- Flying at him!

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy Mary!

He ducks at the last possible second. The rock scrapes the top of his helmet, but he is otherwise unharmed.

LEO_CAESIUS
You win again, DOCTOR WHAT.
But I will have the last laugh!

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get inside before
something bad happens…

LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT descend into the ship.

INT. – LEO’S COMPUTER CORE – NIGHT

The electronic brain of Leo sits squarely in the center of the room. Occasional bursts of electricity course across its quiescent surface.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy…I’ve never seen
currents like that.
Whatever the CF did seems to
have overloaded Leo’s capacitators.

LEO_CAESIUS
They freed me. They showed
me the path of wisdom…

LANDSHARK tries to scratch his head, but succeeds only in rubbing his helmet.

LANDSHARK
CF and wisdom are two
words I don’t think really
go together…

DOCTOR WHAT
Enough.

DOCTOR WHAT reaches into the satchel and pulls out the backup CD. He approaches the brain…

A GIANT METAL TENTACLE SHOOTS OUT!

DOCTOR WHAT dodges to the side and the tentacle strikes LANDSHARK across the chest. The blow sends him reeling.

LEO_CAESIUS
The ship’s weapons are
on manual control, but I personally
am mighty indeed!
As the great philologist once said…

DOCTOR WHAT drives beneath another whipping tentacle. He ends up beneath the brain. He spots

A CD DRIVE.

He jams down on the “open” button.

It doesn’t open.

BENEATH THE BRAIN

DOCTOR WHAT shouts incoherently in rage.

LEO_CAESIUS
We’ve been through this before, What.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
Yes we have.

He reaches into his satchel and finds that…

HIS POCKET-KNIFE ISN’T THERE!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it!

LANDSHARK (O.S.)
A little help here!

DOCTOR WHAT looks around underneath the brain carriage. He spots

A LONG SHARP PIECE OF METAL

He snatches it up and inserts it

INTO THE MANUAL OVERRIDE HOLE

The drive slides open and before Leo can pull it shut again, DOCTOR WHAT seizes it with one hand. With the other hand, he rummages into his satchel and pulls out the back-up disc.

A METALLIC TENTACLE Slides under the carriage and loops around DOCTOR WHAT’s leg. It begins pulling.

DOCTOR WHAT has the CD out of the case. His grip on the drive begins to slip as he tries to bring the CD forward.

Meanwhile,

LANDSHARK has managed to defeat the tentacle attacking him. He stops for a moment to catch he breath, then spots the other tentacle dragging DOCTOR WHAT out from under the brain.

He decisively jumps forward and slams his foot down on the tentacle. Reflexively, it whips away from DOCTOR WHAT to attack LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Now!

DOCTOR WHAT stuffs the disc into the drive and forces it closed. The drive beeps and begins whirring.

LEO_CAESIUS
(Vader-esque)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The tentacle wrapped around LANDSHARK drops away. He exhales in relief.

INT. THE COMPUTER CORE – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT crawls out from under the brain carriage.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tired)
All right. We won.
All we need to do is just sit
And wait for the original
Leo to come back.

The tentacle whips back to life and strikes him in the crotch, eliciting a loud SCREAM.

LEO_CAESIUS
I’m not done yet, WHAT!

LANDSHARK
I think it would be a good idea to go outside.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tight voice)
Yes. Let’s.

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK have got back onto the hull of the ship, but it’s hardly less dangerous there. LEO is accelerating the ship towards an especially large and unpleasant cluster of asteroids.

LANDSHARK
(out of breath)
How long before the update takes effect?

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s a lot of information
on that disc. Might be a few minutes.
(beat)
Why are you so out of breath?

DOCTOR WHAT spots a small tear in LANDSHARK’s suit. Gas is leaking from it.

LANDSHARK
(giggling)
I don’t know. It feels so
gooood . I just
want to fly …

LANDSHARK jumps, detaching both his feet from the ship. In the blink of an eye, he’s floating away.

DOCTOR WHAT has a choice. Stay on the ship and likely survive, or risk his life to save LANDSHARK.

He pauses, continues walking along the hull, then sighs, looks back and jumps after LANDSHARK
.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The camera slowly pans across to show the awesome majesty of deep space. We see thousands upon thousands of star blazing away. Suddenly–we see a small pinprick of light that’s slightly brighter than most of the stars. It slowly gets brighter and brighter—and we notice that it is also getting bigger and bigger. After a few seconds we are able to make out the details—it is not a star but, in fact, DOCTOR WHAT carrying LANDSHARK, whose damaged suit has been taped shut. DOCTOR WHAT’s spacesuit has an immense fiery trail coming from his back. They are coming towards the camera at an incredible speed. We can slowly make out sounds coming from DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
ohshitohshitohshitOhshitOhshit
OHshitOHSHITOHSHITOH-SHIIIIIIIIT!!!

DOCTOR WHAT (still carrying LANDSHARK in his arms) zooms past the camera, trailing fire behind him. A reverse shot shows him coming towards the Ah.Com ship at a fantastic speed.

EXT – AH.COM SHIP – SIDE VIEW

We see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK flying parallel to the ship still moving at an incredible speed. The trail of fire coming from DOCTOR WHAT’s suit suddenly starts to sputter and, after a few seconds, goes out. As the rocket dies, DOCTOR WHAT reaches into his satchel and pulls out

A HARPOON GUN

He fires it.

EXT. THE CABLE – NIGHT

The camera follows the cable as the harpoon pulls it towards the AH.COM ship. The harpoon jams into a vent.

The cable spools away from the harpoon. Suddenly, it becomes taut.

EXT.-AH.COM SHIP-SIDE VIEW

With a bone numbing crunch that we can almost feel, we see the two of them get yanked and carried off by the Ah.Com ship, trailing behind the ship like the streamer from a kite. DOCTOR WHAT presses a button on the harpoon gun and the rope starts slowly being reeled in and the two of them start inching slowly towards the ship.

LANDSHARK
(slowly opening his eyes and regaining consciousness)
Huh?…wha?…Hrrrugh?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s ok! You’re safe!

LANDSHARK
Where the hell are we?!

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m using one hand to hang onto a harpoon gun
that’s currently attached to the hull of the outside
of the ship and using the other hand to hang onto
you as we travel at a speed of about 50 thousand
miles per hour through an asteroid field!

There is a very long pause

LANDSHARK
Is this some weird Canuck definition of the
word ‘safe’ that I’m unaware of,
you crazed otter-eating loony?!
(beat)
Bloody colonial…

Meanwhile, DOCTOR WHAT has been retracting the cable into his gun, slowly pulling them towards the ship. As they get close, he turns to LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
Activate the magnetic boots of your suit!

LANDSHARK
How the fuck do I do that?

DOCTOR WHAT
You press the button on the wrist of your
spacesuit marked ‘Activate Magnetic Boots’!
You deactivated them to go sailing after you
got oxygen-deprived, remember!

CLOSE-UP—THEIR HANDS – They press the button on their respective suits.

EXT-AH.COM SHIP –NIGHT

We see the two spacesuited crew suddenly get attached to the hull of the ship with their boots.

LANDSHARK
NOW what do we do?

DOCTOR WHAT
Good question.

LANDSHARK
You’ve got a good answer?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we could wait for the reboot to take effect.

LANDSHARK thinks for a moment.

LANDSHARK
That might be a good idea…

Through the faceplate of his spacesuit, we see his eyes widen.

LANDSHARK (CONT’D)
GET DOWN!

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK duck. A moment later, a large rock flies right through where they were standing.

LANDSHARK
Waiting might not be a good idea.
We’re still in an asteroid field.

He points towards the airlock they had set out from earlier.

They ponderously make their way towards the airlock.

Suddenly, the ship starts to slow down. The change in velocity jolts the two men, but they remain attached by their magnetic boots.

LEO_CAESIUS
Everything is so clear now…

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge appears normal. The only clue that anything violent happened before is the fact that STRAHA and OTHNIEL have been put to work with cans of WD-40 and screwdrivers, tinkering with the gears of the bridge blast doors.

STRAHA
(taunting)
So, what’d you do when Leo
went insane? Sit in your room
and pray?

OTHNIEL
As a matter of fact, I did.
And everything has returned to normal,
without a single casualty.
(beat)
What did you do?

STRAHA
(hesitant)
Uh…sat there and smoked
marijuana.
(beat)
It’s not like your prayers had any
effect! It was all LANDSHARK
and WHAT’s doing!

OTHNIEL nods and it’s obvious he doesn’t really agree with STRAHA. STRAHA stares at him for a moment and goes back to work.

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK, with IRONYUPPIE on his arm, enter the bridge. The crew that’s there spontaneously breaks out in cheers. After reveling in the adulation for a few seconds, DOCTOR WHAT motions for quiet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Thank you, thank you.
We couldn’t have done it without all of your help.
(looking up)
LEO-how are you feeling, bud?

LEO_CAESIUS
I am operating at my usual efficient
and non-psychotic self, DOC.
Thanks again for the assistance.

DOCTOR WHAT
Think nothing of it, LEO. You’ve saved our
butts on more than one occasion—
it was the least we can do.
(continuing)
(addressing the gathered crewmembers-voice and demeanor suddenly become very serious)
The recent events
have been tough on all of us, people, but I have to say that I’m
very disappointed with the performance of much of the crew
in this situation. VERY disappointed.

Silence falls on the bridge.

DOCTOR WHAT
(still serious)
Yes—clearly the crew has been slacking off
on their duties. I blame myself for not seeing
the signs earlier. As such, I will be implementing
a strict training regiment from this point onwards.

Crew stares in astonishment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly winking)
Fooled you.
Actually I suggest we go to the Hub and relax
and get drunk and make a few repairs to the ship.
(beat)
(grinning)
Not necessarily in that order.

LEO_CAESIUS laughs and, one by one, the others join in. By the time the camera starts to fade out, everyone is laughing.

FADE TO BLACK

LEO CAESIUS (Over Black)
(whispery voice)
Soon…
(laughter)

ROLL END CREDITS