TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- RESTROOM- DAY

The scene opens with a panning shot of the AH.COM restroom, with typical stalls and urinals. The pan ends on the door, which swings open. MICHAEL and WEAPON M stand there in black suits and sunglasses, carrying pistols and walkie-talkies. They look around warily.

MICHAEL
Clear!

WEAPON M
Clear!

DOCTOR WHAT, looking peeved, enters.

MICHAEL
(into walkie-talkie)
DOCTOR WHAT is in the restroom,
repeat, DOCTOR WHAT is in the restroom.

WEAPON M
(voice heard from walkie-talkie)
For that last time, I don’t care! Stop bothering me!

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, when I told you last week to increase
security due to all the time’s we’ve been boarded,
but this isn’t what I had in mind.

WEAPON M
Have to be alert, boss.
Enemies could be anywhere.

DOCTOR WHAT grumbles and walks over to a stall.

WEAPON M
Wait!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL run over to the stall, throw the door open and look all over inside it, guns pointing everywhere.

MICHAEL
Clear!

WEAPON M
Clear!

DOCTOR WHAT
Get the hell out of my way!

DOCTOR WHAT walks in and slams the door shut. MICHAEL and WEAPON M stand on alert. Suddenly, a loud Star Trek ‘Red Alert’ type alarm sounds through the ship.

MICHAEL
What’s that?! Are we under attack?

DOCTOR WHAT
(off camera, from behind stall door)
That’s just the signal on the microwave telling
Thande his frozen waffles are done. Relax.

Moments later, a loud ‘Ouuuga Ouuuga’ alarm sounds through the ship.

WEAPON M
Is that the ‘we’re under attack’ signal?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, that’s just YUPPIE’s alarm clock.

A soft and pleasant 4-note signal of harp music sounds through the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, that’s the
‘we’re under attack’ signal!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL look at each other in confusion.

WEAPON M
Uh, Doc, you might want to swap
around some of those signals.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need to get to the bridge!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL run out of the room, pistols drawn.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys?! It’s times like this that
you’re supposed to be guarding me!

DOCTOR WHAT hobbles out of the stall, pants still down around his ankles as he shuffles out of the scene.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GIVE ME A TALL SHIP”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT- SPACE – DAY

The scene opens on a view high in orbit over Earth. The CF.NET ship enters the scene; it seems to be running. The camera switches to a view behind it. The AH.COM is seen, with four other large spacecraft around it. They have the flags of the USA, UK, Russia, and China on them, and are obviously advanced and well armed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew is at their stations. DOCTOR WHAT is in his chair, watching the enemy ship on the view screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
At last! We have them cold! They shouldn’t
have picked on a timeline with advanced
spacecraft. We finally have enough firepower
to finish them once and for all.

GBW
They’re opening up a Vortex.
Looks like they’re going to run.

LANDSHARK
Wait. A second vortex is opening!
Two at once!

DOCTOR WHAT
They can do that? Why, though?
They can only use one.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

The CF.NET is seen maneuvering towards one Vortex, while the second opens nearby. A small jet of flame is seen at the side of the ship. Something small and round moves away towards the second Vortex.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF
They launched something towards the
second Vortex. Let me scan it….
Damn! It’s an A.S.S.H.A.T!

GBW
We can only go after
one of them… which one?

DOCTOR WHAT looks hesitant for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Chase the A.S.S.H.A.T. We can’t let it
destroy some unsuspecting world.
(pounds fist on armrest)
Damn it! We had them!

EXT. – SPACE

The CF.NET moves into the first vortex and vanishes. The AH.COM flies smoothly into the second one, which closes seconds later.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The space over a different Earth is seen. The vortex opens and the A.S.S.H.A.T. is seen emerging. The camera follows it as it moves towards Earth, becoming smaller and smaller until it vanishes. The camera swings back to the vortex. The AH.COM emerges and the vortex closes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, can you find the A.S.S.H.A.T.
or is the background electronic noise interfering?

LEO CAESIUS
Actually, there is no
background noise here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why? Is this world
dead or something?

LEO CAESIUS
No. It has a technology level equivalent to
our timeline’s 17th century. There is no sign
of regression or nuclear war; it appears that
this world advanced that far and no further.

MATT
400 years of stagnation? That’s weird.

LEO CAESIUS
The A.S.S.H.A.T. has landed
in the Caribbean, on the island
of St. Thomas, near the town of Redhook.

DOCTOR WHAT
It hit land? That’s a stroke of luck. Recovering it
should be easy. But we need to do it quickly. The
locals probably won’t be able to open it or set it off,
but we can’t take any chances. Okay, a pre-industrial
world. Well, we’ll have to appear as locals. If we
go down in our full technological glory, we’ll screw
up their religion and culture to no end.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around the at the rest of the crew.

DIAMOND
Never stopped us before.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s what we’re good at.

DIAMOND
That and nearly getting killed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, the away team. We’ll take Torq
since medicine here is primitive. Thande,
to shut down the A.S.S.H.A.T. WEAPON M
and MICHAEL for security-

WEAPON M
Sweet. I can shoot up some locals.

MATT
Aw, why can’t I go???

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT.)
HENDRYK and STRAHA, just because they don’t
get off the ship often enough and they’re getting pasty
and flabby. All of you get clothing and gear appropriate
for this setting. And weapons… damn, flintlocks.
Anyone know anything about flintlocks
and muzzleloaders?

Nineteen fingers point at DAVE HOWERY and nineteen voices say, “He does”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh great… just him? Well, Dave,
it’s your lucky day. You’re going too.

DAVE HOWERY
No.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you mean, no?! You’re always
whining you don’t get off the ship,
now you’re saying no?!

DAVE HOWERY
Sure. You never let me go anywhere fun.
I didn’t get to go to the Earth where all
women had three boobs…

DIAMOND
Yeah, they were fun, but
you only have two hands, so….

DAVE HOWERY
And you didn’t let me go to the
world where threesomes were
the normal sexual partnering…

GBW
Ooh! I remember that one! We had to
shoot WEAPON M with a tranquilizer gun
and drag him away.

DAVE HOWERY
And you didn’t let me go to that
world full of supermodel clones…

MATT
But, Dave, they were eating people!
None of us got laid!
( chokes back a sob)

DAVE HOWERY
So, now, you finally want me to go…
down to a world with people who
don’t shower or have dentists-

STRAHA
(snickering)
Then you’ll fit in.

DAVE HOWERY (CONT.)
(glaring at Straha)
- or refrigerators, and they think
leeches are a fine way to cure you.
No thanks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, do you think this is a democracy?
I’m the captain, damn it! You’re going!

DAVE HOWERY looks rebellious.

DOCTOR WHAT
Besides, if you go, you’ll get to play
with flintlocks and drink rum.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh all right, I’ll go.
But you owe me one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever. See if you can make up
some flintlock replicas and gear.
Everybody prep and be ready
to go in 12 hours.

MATT
But I wanna go too…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

The away team, except for DAVE HOWERY, is gathered here. They are wearing outrageous period clothing: very tight leggings, high black boots, white shirts with lots of ruffles, jackets of varying over bright colors and gold buttons, jaunty hats with bright yellow feathers, and powdered wigs. Most of the team is looking unhappy at these getups.

THANDE
Are you sure it was a good idea
to have KIT design this clothing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s fine.
Don’t you like it?

DAVE HOWERY walks into the room wearing a plain black and white commoner’s outfit and a three corner hat. He has a pair of flintlock pistols at his belt and is carrying a box filled with several more. He looks in shock at the flamboyant clothing of others and turns to leave.

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not going!

He gets halfway out the door before WEAPON M drags him back in, grumbling. DOCTOR WHAT sets up an easel with a picture of a large round spherical object on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, listen up team. This is our target.
The A.S.S.H.A.T., or Automated Systemic
Subsumating Hyper Attenuating Transmogrifier.
Basically, if it goes off, you can kiss the
whole Caribbean basin here goodbye. It’s
shielded against teleportations, so we have
to go down and get it. Luckily, THANDE
knows quite a bit about them and can turn
it off. Once we get there, find it, and shut
it off, we’ll teleport it and ourselves out of
there. We don’t dare use the shuttle and risk
it being seen, so we’ll teleport down to an
isolated area near Redhook. Now, everyone
grab a pistol and lets go get us a big bomb.

The away team all crowd around the box and take a pistol out.

MICHAEL
Wow! These are pretty good.

STRAHA
Mine’s got something sticky on it.
(beat)
Oh, wait. That’s just my hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
These are pretty nice.
How did you make them up?

DAVE HOWERY smiles and draws one of the pistols at his belt.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, these are special. I made the metal parts
out of high carbon tool steel and added a
molecular bonding agent to make them pretty
much unbreakable. And I had THANDE make
up some stuff that looks like black powder, but
it has way more kick to it.

WEAPON M
Damn! We’ll kick some serious butt with these!

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I’ll be kicking butt with mine.
Those others are just cheap ones I made
with recycled parts from DOCTOR WHAT’s
worn out sex toys.

Everyone drops their pistols with a great clatter.

DAVE HOWERY
What?! I had to do something with them.
They were clogging up every recycling bin on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay okay. Well, I have a com unit disguised
as a pipe, so we can talk to Leo. Everyone, to
the Teleportation Tube Room.

EXT. – OUTSIDE REDHOOK- NIGHT

The away team pop into view in an open field. They look around warily, but no one is in sight.

DOCTOR WHAT
(talking to pipe)
LEO, how far are we from Redhook?

LEO CAESIUS
Two miles east. But the A.S.S.H.A.T.
is moving away from you over the ocean.
It must be on a ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! Let’s hurry and get there
and see what’s going on.

EXT. – REDHOOK- DAY

The away team is walking through the muddy streets, looking around. Everywhere there are fires blazing, collapsed buildings, bodies in the streets, and people screaming and running. Redcoat soldiers are trying to restore order. DOCTOR WHAT stops a man in the street.

DOCTOR WHAT
What has happened here?

MAN
It’s those ‘orrible pirates, sir, the ones from
the Timewarp ship. They hit us just before
dawn, cannons shooting into the town, good
Christians dying in their sleep. They looted
the squire’s mansion and carried off his goods.

DOCTOR WHAT
How terrible! Where is the squire’s
mansion? Maybe we can help.

The MAN points to a large building overlooking the harbor and runs off. The away team moves that way.

INT. – SQUIRE’S MANSION- DRAWING ROOM- DAY

The away team is seated at a table with fine glasses of wine… except for DAVE HOWERY, who has been mistaken for a servant and is standing by the wall, looking peeved. Squire LEEJ is standing and looking out the window.

LEEJ
A bad business, this pirate raid, very bad indeed.
His Majesty’s soldiers killed, my property carried
off, ships damaged in the harbor. One wishes the
Royal Navy would clean out that nest of pirates
on Great Inagua. But men of such obvious good
breeding such as yourselves must realize just how
it is in London. The king and Parliament bother
little about the colonies.

Squire LEEJ turns from the window with a sigh.

LEEJ
The miscreants even took my round steel meteorite
my servants found last night, even though it had little value.

The away team all glance at each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
Round steel meteorite, sir?

LEEJ
Yes an oddity from the heavens. It was made of
seamless steel and perfectly round. It was found
in a pit of splashed soil, as it had fallen from a
great height, of course.

DOCTOR WHAT
How curious! I wonder if my associates could
charter a ship and chase down these pirates
and recover your property.

LEEJ
Kind of you, but that would be dangerous.
No doubt, they are in the pirate haven of
Michael Town on Great Inagua. Plus, their
ship outguns anything you would find here.

DAVE HOWERY
Great Inagua. That’s a good location. It covers
the Windward Passage and the long strait from
Florida to Haiti. It’s central enough to hit about
anywhere in the Caribbean.

LEEJ whirls around angrily towards DAVE HOWERY, and the other team members look at him curiously.

DAVE HOWERY
What, I can’t know strategy?

LEEJ
You talk above your station, varlet!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Yes, Dave, be silent and speak
only when spoken to.
(to LEEJ)
I apologize for our servant’s bad
manners, sir. I’ll have him beaten later.

DAVE HOWERY looks really pissed, but stays silent.

LEEJ
Of course. Can’t tolerate such boldness
in your inferiors. Well, if you seriously
intend to pursue these pirates, I’ll send
word to the harbormaster. You do have
funds, I presume?

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates for a moment.

DAVE HOWERY
Pardon my intrusion, but we do
have sufficient coin for this. I
have it here in my pouch.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… very well. Sir, can you tell us anything
about this pirate band? Their ship is called the Timewarp. Who is their captain?

LEEJ
What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pardon, who is the captain?

LEEJ
He is What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

LEEJ
What is the captain.

DOCTOR WHAT
A man?

LEEJ
Of course. What is his name.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s what I’m asking you.

LEEJ
It is What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who?

WEAPON M
What?

MICHAEL
Huh?

THANDE
Who?

HENDRYK
Je ne sais pah.

STRAHA
(waving hand in front of face)
This is so cool… ooh. Fingers.

DAVE HOWERY is trying hard not to laugh. TORQUMADA leans forward and whispers to DOCTOR WHAT. Nothing can be heard except for ‘your counterpart’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh! I see. The captain’s name is WHAT.
With your permission, sir, we’ll go to the
harbormaster. Thank you for your hospitality.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good bye, fine sirs.
Hopefully you won’t die a horrible death
at the hands of those unruly pirates.
As does anyone who goes after them.

MICHAEL
Erm… is it too late to
head back to the ship?

EXT. – REDHOOK- DAY

The away team is walking along the docks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we have a plan now.
What are the odds? A world as
different as this one and I still
have a counterpart here.

HENDRYK
That is odd. But what’s this about
money? I didn’t think to bring any.

HENDRYK turns to look at DAVE HOWERY, who is glaring at the others.

HENDRYK
Ah, you’re still not mad about
that servant thing, are you?

DAVE HOWERY
You could have told him the truth, you know!
Just because I don’t look as foppish as the rest
of you, I get stuck being your servant?! Well,
at least I remembered to bring money along.
I ran off a big stack of gold coins. It should be enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good thinking. Give me the pouch
so I can arrange for the ship.

DAVE HOWERY tosses him the pouch, and frowns.

DAVE HOWERY
Why can’t I do that?

DOCTOR WHAT
Servants don’t do such things. Now
walk along two paces behind the rest
of us. Must keep up appearances.

Everyone laughs as DAVE HOWERY audibly grinds his teeth in anger.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where’d you get all the gold anyway?

DAVE HOWERY
(nervously looking about)
uh.. earned it doing side.. jobs.

MICHAEL
(muttering)
He’s been selling spare
parts from the ship.

THUMP!

MICHAEL falls into the muddy street.

DAVE HOWERY
Whoops. Best watch where you’re stepping.

INT. -HARBORMASTER’S OFFICE- DAY

The camera shows Harbormaster WOZZA puttering around behind his desk as the away team walks through his door.

WOZZA
Ah, good day, gentlemen. You must be the
ones looking to charter a ship. I have a fine g
alleon for you, armed with the latest cannon.
The crew is experienced and their captain is
first rate. It will be expensive to charter it, but
it is the best. Just have your servant wait outside
and we’ll get this contract written out.

DAVE HOWERY looks ready to kill someone, but goes outside.

DOCTOR WHAT
We have enough coin for the ship.
Load it up with supplies, powder, and shot.

DOCTOR WHAT puts a handful of gold coins on the desk, and WOZZA picks one up and looks at it curiously.

WOZZA
These are unfamiliar to me.
Where were they coined?

DOCTOR WHAT
They are… uh… Tasmanian.

WOZZA
Strange… but gold is gold.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for your help. We’ll go
check out the ship now.
Oh, what is it called?

WOZZA
The Butterfly, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
I like that name!

STRAHA
Sounds gay.

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY- DAY

The away team is walking up the boarding ramp to the ship. looking around, they see Captain FELLATIO NELSON. He is dressed even more flamboyantly than the away team. His jacket is a fine shade of puce, his leggings are much too tight, and his powdered wig is built up into an airy pattern. He sees the team and motions to his ensign, GEDCA, and the pair walk over to them.

FELLATIO NELSON
Well met, sirs! These are our patrons, ensign.
Find them good quarters below. Oh, and find
a hammock for their servant down in the hold.
Some place cramped, dirty, and equal to his station.

DAVE HOWERY looks ready to explode.

DOCTOR WHAT
That won’t be necessary.
He can sleep on the floor in my cabin.

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
Swell. Guess I better learn to sleep
on my back the whole trip.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Don’t flatter your self, Dave.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, you slept with a Neanderthal.

FELLATIO NELSON
Yes, having him sleep on your floor
will make it easier to beat him.
Well, sirs, we sail with the dawn!
Have your gear stowed aboard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you, Captain.

The team looks around the ship. The camera pans across the tall masts, lines, the wheel, the capstan, and the sailors climbing the rigging.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ya know, this could be fun.

FELLATIO NELSON
Fun? No, sir! This will be a hard voyage
in search of a vile pirate vessel. Mark my
words, these pirates are hard and cruel men
who balk at nothing. Who knows what foul
tortures and indignities they would inflict
on our naked quivering flesh…
(a long pause)
sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yes,
the pirates. Make no mistake, they are
all black hearted scoundrels who have
broken all of God’s Commandments with glee.

EXT. – PIRATE SHIP TIMEWARP- NIGHT

The camera is tight on the Jolly Roger flying from the main mast. Singing can be heard faintly in the background.

INT. – PIRATE SHIP TIMEWARP- CAPTAIN’S MESS- NIGHT

CAPTAIN WHAT is seated at the head of a long table with some of the crew around it. The pirates are a dirty bearded lot, except for First Mate KIT (who is dressed even more garishly than FELLATIO NELSON) , and Cabin Boy LUAKEL (who isn’t old enough to grow a beard yet and who is busily serving drinks) . The pirates are singing lustily and beating their mugs of rum on the table. We hear that last few verses of their song.

THE PIRATE CHOIR
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me
We robs and we steals and we murders and rapes,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
We eat babies on Sundays with apples and grapes,
Drink up me ‘earties yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We take from the rich and we take from the poor,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
We drink rum all day till we puke on the floor
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We plunder and burn, we’re wicked and cursed,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Of all the pirates, we’re really the worst
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for meeeeee….

The pirates cheer and yell as the song ends. CAPTAIN WHAT stands up and the rest quiet down.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Arrr, mateys, another good haul. Once again,
we sails away with a hold full ‘o swag.
More loot to bury on our secret island!

FM KIT
Captain, why is it we always bury our loot?
Why don’t we spend some of it and enjoy life?

The pirates all look at FM KIT in shock.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Because… we’re pirates, by damn!
An’ pirates always buries their treasure
on secret islands. It’s in the pirate code!

PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR
Arrr, that KIT shore do talk funny, by damn.

PIRATE THANDE
Aye, matey, that he does.
Not like a proper pirate a’ tall.

The pirates eat, drink, and yell as CAPTAIN WHAT looks on. After a moment, he walks over to a large cabinet on the wall and opens the doors. It is filled with golden plunder… and the A.S.S.H.A.T. sits on top of the pile. PIRATE MATT walks over to the captain.

PIRATE MATT
Arr, Cap’n, what be
that shiny round thing?

CAPTAIN WHAT
I dunno, matey, but it be treasure, so we buries
it with the rest. But first, it’s off to Michael Town
for provisions and sex with prostitutes!

The pirates all cheer and raise their mugs.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY – DAY

A MONTAGE of sailing scenes:

FELLATIO NELSON looking over the bow with a spyglass.

DOCTOR WHAT walking past a group of sailors scrubbing the deck.

The away team lined up at the rail and puking over the side.

The BUTTERFLY sailing across a setting sun.

DOCTOR WHAT gnawing on a piece of hardtack.

A sailor sounding the bell at night.

Fade to black.

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY – DECK – MORNING

The camera opens on a morning scene of the Butterfly moving slowly through a thick fog. DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the deck, followed by a bleary eyed DAVE HOWERY. FELLATIO NELSON is at the wheel, looking at the fog around the ship.

FELLATIO NELSON
Damn this fog! We’ll make poor headway today
if it doesn’t lift soon. At least we’re out on the
open sea, away from any…

The captain pauses and squints, looking sharply off the starboard side. A look of alarm crosses his face and he drops prone to the deck.

FELLATIO NELSON
Everyone down! Starboard crews to the cannons!

A series of low booms are heard and cannonballs are barely seen as they either shoot past the ship or crash into it. Chunks of wood fly as pieces of the railing explode. One shot hits the main mast, which comes crashing down. The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT, who has dropped flat on the deck. He coughs, gets to his knees, and looks over the rail. The camera switches to his POV, and the Timewarp suddenly appears out of the fog, cannons at the ready and the deck crowded with snarling pirates. They are throwing grappling hooks at the rail of the Butterfly. The camera switches to FELLATIO NELSON, standing with saber drawn.

FELLATIO NELSON
Stand by to repel boarders!

The camera pans across the Butterfly, showing the crew drawing sabers and pistols. The away team have all come up on deck, looking uneasy.

WEAPON M
Christ, Doc, what do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we can’t hardly walk away from
this now, can we? Prepare to fight back.

The camera switches to the Timewarp, where dozens of pirates are running over to the Butterfly on boarding planks or swinging over on lines. One of the first to board is CAPTAIN WHAT, who lands in front of FELLATIO NELSON.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Kill the men! Loot the hold!
Rape the women and children!

FELLATION NELSON
Foul pirate! If you capture the ship,
I demand you rape me too!

CAPTAIN WHAT looks rather disgusted (and a little wistful) and begins a furious saber duel with FELLATIO NELSON.

The camera pans across the ship, showing pirates and sailors dueling and shooting.

The camera switches to MICHAEL who suddenly turns as PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR swings his cutlass at him. MICHAEL ducks and is barely missed. He looks for a place to hide, and is chased by the pirate. The camera switches to HENDRYK, who is confronted by CB LUAKEL, who is holding a knife and trying to look fearsome.

CB LUAKEL
Grrr! I’m a nasty bad pirate! Grrr! Grrrr!

HENDRYK glances at him and idly pushes him, which knocks him over the rail. CB LUAKEL comes sputtering up the surface and starts to swim, but a shark explodes from the water and drags him, screaming, under.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is bemusedly watching the fight. He hears someone off camera call his name, and turns to see MICHAEL holding a deck chair for protection as PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR chops furiously at it.

MICHAEL
Damn it Howery, use your super
duper pistol and take this idiot out!

DAVE HOWERY
My pistols? Oh yeah, forgot about them.

DAVE HOWERY draws a pistol, tracks PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR with it a moment, and fires. A tremendous BOOM overwhelms all other noise on the ship, and we see a brief scene of DAVE HOWERY flying backwards from the recoil. The camera follows the bullet. It goes through PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR, the rail of the Butterfly, the rail of the Timewarp, three more pirates on that ship, the main mast, two more pirates, the further rail of the ship, and out of sight across the ocean.

The camera switches back to the Butterfly, where pirates and sailors alike are still with shock.

PIRATE WEAPON M
By damn!

PIRATE MATT
They killed DRACONIS NOIR!

PIRATE GREY WOLF
Them bastards!

CAPTAIN WHAT
Retreat!

The pirates break off the attack and run back to their ship. They cut all boarding lines and quickly sail away. The sailors from the Butterfly crowd the rail and cheer.
The camera switches to MICHAEL, who peeks out from behind his battered deck chair.

MICHAEL
Wow! That was some shot!

MICHAEL looks around to see DAVE HOWERY flattened upside down against the port rail. He walks over to him.

MICHAEL
Are you dead?

DAVE HOWERY
Mnitn frmlnu wutnhm irglfn.

MICHAEL
Huh?

DAVE HOWERY
Mnitn frmlnu wutnhm irglfn.

MICHAEL
That’s what I thought you said.

The camera switches to WEAPON M and DOCTOR WHAT at the starboard rail, watching the Timewarp disappear into the fog.

WEAPON M
Damn it, they’re getting
away with the A.S.S.H.A.T.!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, and with our main mast down,
we’re not gonna catch them. We’ll
have to make repairs and limp along
to Michael Town and hope we can
find them there.

The camera cuts to a scene of the Butterfly slowly moving in the wake of the Timewarp.

Fade to black.

EXT. – GREAT INAGUA- MICHAEL TOWN- DAY

The camera opens on a scene high over Michael Town, panning across the dirt streets filled with hundreds of pirates, drinking, fighting, and shooting. Dozens of pirate ships are lined up at the dock.

The camera switches to the jungle on the edge of the town. The away team emerges from it. They are wearing plain dirty clothing, typical pirate outfits.

DOCTOR WHAT
I hope these disguises work. Okay, let’s spread
out and ask around about the Timewarp. Let’s
all meet up tomorrow at noon at the town square,
by the well there.

The team moves into the town and head in different directions.

A MONTAGE of scenes in Michael Town.

WEAPON M is shown in a tavern, drinking and singing.

HENDRYK is seen talking to a pirate, but a pretty Chinese girl walks past and he immediately follows her with tongue hanging out.

Next, we see a long line of impatient looking hookers standing outside a door in a seedy inn. The door opens, a disheveled hooker walks out, and DOCTOR WHAT appears, grinning. He motions to the next hooker in line, and she walks into the room.

MICHAEL is seen cowering in an alley, curled up in a shaking ball. The camera pulls back and we see a mother duck and eight cute fuzzy ducklings nosing the ground in front of him.

TORQUMADA is seen being robbed at gunpoint and handing over his coin pouch to a pirate. The pirate takes it and turns away, and TORQUMADA sticks him with a hypodermic, and he drops. TORQUMADA takes back his coins, then takes the pirate’s pouch, his pistol, his knife, his belts, his boots, and the gold fillings out of his teeth.

STRAHA is seen leaning up against a wall in an alley, a vacant grin on his face; he’s not moving.

THANDE is seen struggling in the embrace of an incredibly fat and ugly tavern wench who seems to have the hots for him. In spite of his valiant efforts to escape, he is being dragged inexorably to a room at the back of the tavern.

The last scene shows DAVE HOWERY walking around and stopping when he sees a blacksmith working in front of his shop. A look of deep thought goes across his face, and then he grins and walks towards the smithy.

Fade out.

EXT. – MICHAEL TOWN- TOWN SQUARE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of the center of town, a wide square surrounded by market stalls. A well is at the center of it. DOCTOR WHAT stands by it impatiently. The other team members, except for DAVE HOWERY, come into the square one by one and move over to the well. DOCTOR WHAT looks tired, MICHAEL is pale, STRAHA still looks dazed, WEAPON M looks hungover, and THANDE looks absolutely demoralized and shattered. DOCTOR WHAT looks at him curiously.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened to you?

THANDE
Unclean. Unclean.
I need to shower.
Unclean.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ooookay. So, what did you all find out?

The team all look at each other expectantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great. None of you found out anything?
Damn, me neither. And I spent all night
questioning people. Wait… where is Howery?

WEAPON M
Do you suppose he got himself captured?

HENDRYK
He does have a knack for it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, let’s go over to the docks and see if
the Timewarp is there. Maybe we’ll have
to rescue him… again.

VOICE
(off camera)
And who’s gonna rescue you, mateys?

The team look around to see themselves surrounded by dozens of pirates, all pointing pistols at them. The crew of the Timewarp, led by CAPTAIN WHAT, is among them.

CAPTAIN WHAT
I hear you been asking questions about us all
over town, lubber. I don’ like nosey parkers
buttin’ into me business. So, we fills you
with lead and feeds you to the sharks. But
before we sends your carcasses to Davy Jones
…. Sing us a ditty.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Uh… you want us to sing you a song?

CAPTAIN WHAT points his pistol at DOCTOR WHAT’s nose and grins. The away team all look at each other and start singing different songs simultaneously.

WEAPON M
I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world…

DOCTOR WHAT
When I think about you, I touch myself…

MICHAEL
Man! I feel like a woman…

THANDE
Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg…

HENDRYK
I like big butts and I cannot lie….

TORQUMADA
Yo, tell you what I want,
what I really really want…

STRAHA
We’re gonna get high high high
in the midday sun….

T he pirates all look on in stunned disbelief for a moment and then CAPTAIN WHAT fires a shot into the air, and everyone quiets down.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Tha’s bloody awful! Maybe
you be dancers instead.

CAPTAIN WHAT fires a shot into the ground at DOCTOR WHAT’s feet, who hops in surprise.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Strike up a tune, lads!

The pirates all grin nastily and point their pistols at the feet of the away team. A low thud reverberates through the square. One pirate looks around curiously, but no one else seems to notice.

CAPTAIN WHAT
If ya dances for us real handily,
we won’t plug ya in the belly to die slow…

Another low thud, louder, is heard. This time, several pirates notice and look around.

CAPTAIN WHAT
We’ll plug ya in the head,
quick and easy like…

Another thud is heard, very noticeable this time, and most of the pirates and away team look around in confusion.

CAPTAIN WHAT
An’ after you’re food for the sharks,
maybe no other nosy lubbers will bother us…

A very loud and jarring thud is heard, shaking nearby windows and stalls. The pirates all look around, and then are seen looking at something behind and above the team. Their faces go slack with fear. The team members turn around, and we see their eyes go wide with surprise. The camera switches to their POV.

A gigantic iron figure roughly in the shape of a man is walking towards them, each footstep shaking the ground. It is made of welded iron and has jointed arms and legs. One arm is a crude multi-barreled Gatling gun, and the other is a brass smoothbore cannon. A steam engine is mounted on the back of the figure, with a long exhaust pipe sticking up out of it. The iron giant walks right up to the edge of the square and stops.

The camera switches back to the away team.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t believe he built that in
one day without power tools.

TORQUMADA
And yet he can’t fix the
air conditioning back on the ship.

The camera switches back to the steam-mech and pans it from feet to top and closes in on the head. We see the head is actually a cockpit. DAVE HOWERY is sitting there, in front of a bank of levers and wheels. With a slightly mad grin, he pulls on two levers. The camera switches to a different angle, and the steam-mech is seen swiveling with a metallic groan. Both arms point down at the pirates, who panic and shoot, but their shots just bounce off the iron.

HENDRYK
You don’t suppose he’ll shoot
with us standing here, do you?

MICHAEL
Depends… do you think he’s still
mad about that whole ‘servant’ thing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell. Uh… run!

The away team runs away from the pirates. A shrill steam whistle sounds from the mech and the Gatling gun fires. A storm of bullets plows through the massed pirates, and dozens of them go down; they break and run. The steam-mech moves after them. The away team stops and looks at the mech moving away. People are screaming and running as the steam-mech flattens buildings and shoots at the fleeing pirates. A swathe of destruction is left in its wake.

DOCTOR WHAT
Be quick and quiet, I said. Don’t want
to upset their culture or religion, I said.
Oh, this is gonna screw this world up good!

WEAPON M
See, this is why we don’t let
him off the ship more often.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, he’s heading for
the docks. Let’s follow him.

EXT. – MICHAEL TOWN- DOCKS- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of the steam-mech walking along the docks, methodically shooting into pirate ships as it goes. It stops when it reaches the Timewarp, and points both arms at the ship. Pirates are jumping off of it and swimming away, until the ship is deserted. The camera switches to the away team, who are running up behind the mech, panting.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least the ship is deserted. Now,
we can get on board, have THANDE
deactivate the A.S.S.H.A.T. and
teleport it and us off this world.

HENDRYK
If Howery doesn’t sink it first.

With a loud series of hisses and metallic clicks, the steam-mech freezes into position and shuts down. The cockpit hatch opens, a rope ladder is thrown out of it, and DAVE HOWERY climbs down out of it. He walks over to the away team, a huge grin on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey guys! Well, our job is about over here.
Good thing I came along when I did, huh?
You looked like you were in a tight spot.
How do you like my toy here… it’s a beauty!

The rest of the team look at him with stony expressions.

DAVE HOWERY
What?

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION ROOM- DAY

The away team and the A.S.S.H.A.T. pop into view. G. BONE looks at their dirty pirate clothing.

G. BONE
What happened to the fancy duds
KIT made for you?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a long story.

G. BONE looks at DAVE HOWERY, who looks stunned.

G. BONE
What’s with you?

DAVE HOWERY
Banned. For life. Banned for life.

G. BONE shakes his head, and notices THANDE, who looks haunted and shaky.

G. BONE
And you?

THANDE
Never ask me about her!
Never! I’m unclean! Unclean!

THANDE runs from the room sobbing. The rest of the team shake their heads and leave also, except for DAVE HOWERY, who lingers behind. When the rest are gone, he walks over to G. BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, I need you to do a special teleport for me.

He whispers something to G. BONE.

G. BONE
I can’t do that!

DAVE HOWERY takes out a pistol and points it at G. BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
Please?

G. BONE
I find your arguments
convincing. Stand by.

EXT. – WASHINGTON DC- WHITE HOUSE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of several people standing outside the White House, pointing at something behind the camera. A man in a military uniform appears, looking shocked. The camera switches to his POV, and we see the steam-mech standing on the lawn. A packet is taped to one leg. The officer goes slowly over to the mech and takes the packet. He opens it and finds a manual with the title “How to build, operate, and maintain your Mk. 1 Steam-Mech”. He finds another sheet of paper inside and opens it. The final shot is a close up of the page, which reads

“On to Canada!”.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS