TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – STRAHA’S QUARTERS – DAY

STRAHA’s quarters about the AH.COM ship are garishly decorated with psychedelic art. A poster of Bob Marley hangs above his unmade bed. The room is empty.

The door cracks open and an EYE looks in. Once the mysterious intruder is satisfied that there’s nobody there, the door opens. It’s OTHNIEL.

OTHNIEL
I bet he’s brought pot back from
our latest trip. I wonder where
he hid it?

OTHNIEL sticks his head under STRAHA’S bed. He comes back disappointed. He steps over to the closet and looks inside. Nothing there. He stands in the center of the room, looking glum. Then, inspiration lights up his face.

He reaches over and lifts the mattress off the bed-frame. His eyes light up. He extracts a big bag of marijuana.

OTHNIEL
Got it. Now to burn it.

He dumps it out on the floor and whips out a blowtorch. He squeezes the trigger…

Flames leap out, igniting the marijuana. However, it soon sputters out—not enough fuel. The marijuana is burning, but it’s not destroyed. Pot smoke begins to fill the room.

OTHNIEL
Darn it.

The smoke rises around him. OTHNIEL’s eyes widen…

OTHNIEL’S POV

Everything goes psychedelic…

INT. – STRAHA’S QUARTERS – DAY

LATER

Fire alarms scream throughout the ship. DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, and STRAHA rush into the room, all carrying fire extinguishers. They stop short when they see what’s in the room.

MATT
What the hell…?

DOCTOR WHAT and STRAHA break down laughing.

OTHNIEL sits in the center of the room, surrounded by the ashes of the marijuana he tried to burn. His eyes are bloodshot and he seems very wobbly.

OTHNIEL
Anyone have any crackers?
I really want some crackers right now…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“COUPS, PLASMA RIFLES, AND ALMORAVIDS, OH MY”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT and the others crowd onto the Control Room as the ship exits the vortex. Earth appears on the view-screen in front of them.

LEO CAESIUS
Shift complete.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, where are we?

Leo computes for a moment.

GREY WOLF is a bit impatient.

GREY WOLF
What’s it like down there?

LEO CAESIUS
Judging by the number of cathedrals,
North Africa is at least partially Christian.
For some reason, there’s a powerful Islamic
state in West Africa.

GREY WOLF
Any transmissions we can eavesdrop on?

LEO CAESIUS
Nope. It appears to be this an earth
with the technology of about the 1500s.
No radio or telecommunication singals.
If you want to find out more, you’ll
have to go down there and check it out.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM

The CF.NET ship rumbles out of the vortex and comes into orbit around the same Earth. The Control Room is in its usual state of clutter and disarray. WARD, however, looks a bit different.

He hasn’t shaved in several weeks, and his eyes are bloodshot. A near-empty jug of whiskey sits near his chair. He rises unsteadily from his chair and glares at DUQUESNE.

WARD
(growling)
Damn it, Duquesne, can’t you do anything right?

DUQUESNE glares down at his computer console, the signs of rage etched into his face. He slowly turns to glare at WARD.

DUQUESNE
I’ve had enough of you pushing me around!

WARD rises from his command chair.

WARD
Have you now? You’ll regret your
Insolence when I show you pictures of…

Suddenly DUQUESNE draws a gun on Ward. Ward’s hand dives for his .357, only to be struck on the “funny bone” by the flat of MERRYPRANKSTER’S samurai sword. His arm goes askew.

WARD
(pissed off)
You too? When I’m through with you…

GRIMM REAPER lunges up from his seat to assist Ward, but JUSTIN GREEN whacks him upside the head with a baseball bat. The rest of the Control Room crew stand there in shock and confusion, watching. WARD’s other hand dives for his gun, but he hears something behind him and turns around…

WARD’S POV: NRED’s crowbar flies at his face…

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

WARD groans as he wakes up. He’s in a cage.

WARD
What the hell?

He sees the four coup-plotters—MERRYPRANKSTER, NRED, DUQUENSE, and JUSTIN GREEN standing in front of him. All of them have smug grins on their faces.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Good morning, Captain Ward, sir.

WARD is mad as hell.

WARD
What the…let me out of here right now!

NRED
(yelling)
Shut the hell up!

MERRYPRANKSTER walks forward, hands clasped and a small smile on his face

MERRYPRANKSTER
A lot of us are… how shall I say it?
Displeased in your leadership in the past several months.
Nearly getting us killed fighting some Monster.
Getting defeated by the Doctor What, then the
AH.COM only weeks after getting our ship repair…
(beat)
You’re quite lucky to be alive.

DUQUESNE
(savagely)
Though plenty of us were willing to do that job…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Tyrants tend to create their worst enemies.
Look at the example of Lenin. He was
apolitical, until Czar Alexander III hanged…

WARD
(angry)
Enough of this, boy! Let me out of here-

MERRYPRANKSTER
I suggest you start addressing me as “Captain,”
thank you. After all, that’s what I am now.
(beat)
Oh, and I was going to let you out, in a few minutes.
Since I’m the Captain now, you’ll be taking over my job.

WARD snorts.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You practically built this ship.
You don’t know how to use the guns?

WARD
No, you idiot. I’m just wondering
why you left me alive.

MERRYPRANKSTER
“Judgment without mercy will be shown
to he who is not merciful.” Besides,
murdering a helpless prisoner is beneath me.
(beat)
I have my standards, however low they might be.

He gestures to someone off-camera. BULGAROKTONOS enters.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Let him out, and escort him to his new station.
Keep an eye on him.

BULGAROKTONOS
Yes, Captain Merry, sir.

MERRYPRANKSTER grins at the title.

INT. – CF. NET CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER sits in what used to be Ward’s command chair.

MERRYPRANKSTER
It’s good to be king.

DOMINUSNOVUS clears his throat.

DOMINUSNOVUS
What are you going to do, now you’re Captain?
Do you have a plan?

MERRYPRANKSTER is taken aback. He searches for words.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Yeah. If you can’t find things for
us to do, what makes you a better captain
than Ward?

WARD
You damned idiot kids.

BULGAROKTONOS looms over him, and WARD stares him down.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Shut up you sociopath.
(narrows eyes evilly)
Don’t make me force you to do
Borat impressions.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
I reach out with my mind and crush MERRYPRANKSTER’s
skull. I pull out a Desert Eagle and shoot him in the crotch.
I…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Cut the God-moding crap Romulus.
This isn’t your made-up “Evergreen Khanate.”

ROMULUS quiets down real fast.

A moment passes, and inspiration lights up MERRYPRANKSTER’s face.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(gesturing with his right hand)
You see that world out there?

He gestures towards the Earth on the big screen.

MERRYPRANKSTER (CONT’D)
It’s more or less at the 16th Century tech-wise.
With all the weaponry we have for sale, we could
leave quite a mark! Plus, since their tech is several
centuries behind ours, if there’re any souvenirs we
wanted, it’s not like they could stop us!

He looks at DOMINUSNOVUS.

MERRYPRANKSTER (CONT’D)
Plus, I’m sure there are lots of available women…

A grin sprawls across DOMINUSNOVUS’s face.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(Quagmire-esque)
Awright!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Fortyseven, ready the teleporters.
Let’s go see how much trouble we can cause…

EXT. – THE STREETS OF TUNIS – DAY

Tunis is an interesting city. Its architecture is a strange fusion of European and Arabic styles, and the people on the streets are a mélange of every Mediterranean ethnicity. DOCTOR WHAT and the other AH.COM crew members wander around, eyes wide.

DOCTOR WHAT
Nobody here speaks English!
If it weren’t for these Universal Translators ™
(gestures to earphone-like device in his ear)
we’d be screwed!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nobody on this world speaks recognizable English.
I just saw a guy who was from “Angland” and he sounded
more German than anything else.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…at the very least, that’d mean no
Norman Conquest. Hmm…is that the POD,
or is it a butterfly?

They come to a cathedral that looks like a mosque, except there is a cross on the minaret.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Probably a butterfly.

KIT
I wonder if there’re any bookstores
around here…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I somehow doubt it. This is a medieval world, after all.
All sword bashing and crusading bullshit.

KIT points to a bazaar across the street from the cathedral. There are several books on display.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
As they say, “I stand corrected.”

EXT. – THE CITADEL AT MARRAKESH – DAY

The CF crew is assembled at the gates of a huge Middle Eastern-style fortress. All around them, a huge city bustles. MERRYPRANKSTER is arguing with a guard at the gate. He is speaking into a black box-like device, which translates his words into Berber.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We need to see the Emir.
Tell him we’ve got some
Things he might find very interesting.

ALMORAVID GUARD
Not just anyone can see the Emir.
Especially now, after the Firanji war…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Come on! What else could he be doing?

The argument continues for several minutes. Finally, FAEELIN gets sick of it. He draws his pistol and fires a shot in the air.

All around them, people drop to the ground in fear. The other CF crew members applaud.

FAEELIN
(drawing a translation box of his own)
We need to see the Emir.

ALMORAVID GUARD
(eager to please)
I will bring you to him.

INT. – ALMORAVID COURT – DAY

The Almoravid court is beautiful, but in a simple way. Geometric mosaics decorate the walls and the denizens of the court sit on thick carpets woven in a similar pattern. However, some traces of the Almoravids’ puritanical, austere origins remain. The Emir, whose lower face is veiled like the other members of the court, is distinguishable only by his slightly more elaborate dress. He rises to his feet when the CF crew enters.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Welcome to Marrakesh, strangers
from distant lands. May I offer
you refreshments?

The various CF crew members nod. When none of the Almoravids understand, MERRYPRANKSTER whips out his handy black box.

MERRYPRANKSTER
That would be very nice. Thank you sir.

Several of the Almoravid men rise to attend to the CF crew. MERRYPRANKSTER and the ALMORAVID EMIR begin to negotiate.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We have heard that your Excellency is at war.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Only God is excellent. We are not at war anymore,
although, God willing, we will be able to recover
our losses from the last war with the Firanj soon and…

MERRYPRANKSTER
(raises eyebrow)
The Firanj?

Disgust crosses the Emir’s face.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Yes. Five centuries ago, the Firanj poured
across the sea to destroy the heretic Fatimids,
but refused to leave. For five centuries,
we Almoravids have tried to drive them out.
God willing, I will be able to…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Good. We’ve got some things we’d like to show you.

MERRYPRANKSTER pulls our a comm unit.

MERRYPRANKSTER (into comm)
Send down a plasma rifle.

The air in the center of the room begins shimmer. Murmurs rise from amongst the assembled Almoravid dignitaries. A moment later, a plasma rifle appears in the center of the room.

MERRYPRANKSTER gestures to BULGAROKTONOS.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Show them what it can do.

BULGAROKTONOS rushes forward with a grin. MERRYPRANKSTER stops him with a gesture.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Not on anyone. On an undecorated
part of the wall, perhaps…

BULGAROKTONOS is somewhat subdued. He hefts the rifle, points it out a big window, and squeezes the trigger.

A flame-thrower-like jet of plasma erupts from the weapon. The sides of the window are burnt to green glass. The jet of fire reaches out to touch one of the minarets on the wall of the citadel and ignites the man inside. The resulting human torch tumbles screaming out onto the street below.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Damn it!
(to the Emir)
You see. Very efficient.

The Almoravid ruler is awed.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Such a weapon is worth twice its weight in gold.

MERRYPRANKSTER grins.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I think that price is right, sir.

INT. – MARRAKESH COURTYARD – DAY

The ALMORAVID EMIR leads the CF crew into the courtyard.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Wait here, while we gather all the gold
in the palace. I think we can start
the next war against the Firanj ahead of schedule…

At the word “war,” the other CF members grin.

ALMORAVID EMIR (CONT’D)
May I provide some slave girls for your enjoyment?

DOMINUSNOVUS comes bounding up.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hell yeah!

ALMORAVID EMIR
Come with me then! Only the
finest for those who will help us
scourge the Firanj from the
Dar-al-Islam once and for all!

DOMINUSNOVUS and the Emir disappear. All is quiet for a few minutes before a woman’s SCREAM breaks the silence.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(eyes narrowing)
What’s that?

He makes his way towards the wall. GEDCA tries to stop him.

GEDCA
Don’t get involved, man.

MERRYPRANKSTER shrugs GEDCA’s arm away.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’ve got to see what’s going on.

He spots a ladder and clambers up.

EXT. – MARRAKESH STREET – DAY

A group of veiled Almoravid soldiers, Berber, African, and even European, parade a lighter-skinned man and a darker-skinned, attractive woman. Both of them are in chains and beaten bloody. MERRYPRANKSTER looks in the direction they’re marching and sees

A CHOPPING BLOCK

MERRYPRANKSTER rises to his feet atop the wall.

MERRYPRANKSTER
All right, what the hell is going on here?

The procession slows as the veiled Almoravid soldiers stop to gawk at him. MERRYPRANKSTER scratches his head, then remembers he didn’t use his translator. He brings it up to his lips.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Again, what the hell is going on here?

Some of the Almoravid soldiers’ hands drop to their weapons—swords, mostly, with the occasional pistol. However, one man, an IMAM judging by his dress, steps forward.

IMAM
This Christian slut was taken in a raid and
given to this man as a concubine. Rather than
convert to the One True Faith, she converted him!
The apostate and his corruptor must die!

CU: MERRYPRANKSTER’S EYES

His eyes narrow in rage.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I don’t think so.

EXT. – MARRAKESH STREET – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER draws his gun and shoots the IMAM between the eyes. All hell breaks loose.

INT. – TUNIS COFFEE SHOP – DAY

The AH.COM crew is gathered around a table on which several archaic BOOKS have been piled. An electrical hum fills the air and the books begin to shimmer. After a moment of translucence, they disappear. DOCTOR WHAT draws his comm unit from his pocket.

DOCTOR WHAT
When can you have them translated?

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
Momentarily…
(long pause)
I’ve got it now. Want to know
why the world is like it is?

ALL
Darn right!

LEO CAESIUS
The books were in something resembling the Lingua Franca
of OTL, though in this version, the Tuscan dialect of Italian
and Arabic dominate. The maps show the Byzantine Empire
still existing, with its pre-Manzikert borders. Apparently
the Seljuks did not migrate.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bet Abdul would be pissed to hear that..
(laughs)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(scratching his head)
How does that affect North Africa?

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
Well, apparently the Fatimids felt confident that they
could divert more resources to fighting the Christian
powers in the Mediterranean. They raided Rome,
destroyed the Vatican. All Europe joined together
to defeat the infidel
(beat)
Their words, not mine.
The Crusaders attacked the Fatimid outposts in the
Mediterranean, then moved on the North African
heartland. They destroyed the Caliphate, defeated
Almoravid attempts to pick up the pieces, and they’ve been
here ever since.

Suddenly, trumpets blare from the minarets in the city. Shouting horsemen rush up and down the street.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s going on here?

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
Hold on…I can only hear what I can
pick up via your Universal Translator ™

DOCTOR WHAT pulls the translator out of his ear and holds towards the door.

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
It’s hard to make out. Something about the
beacons being lit, and the Almoravids moving again.
(beat)
That’s odd. The Almoravids seem to have survived
a lot longer in TTL than in OTL.

Some soldiers burst into the coffeehouse and begin dragging the AH crew out. They shout in their strange Italo-Arabic dialect.

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
They say that in the Republic of Tunis, every
able-bodied man must serve in the militia.
Looks like you’ve been drafted.

DOCTOR WHAT is suddenly terrified.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh shit. I thought being a Canadian meant that
I wouldn’t get drafted!

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – MARRAKESH COURTYARD – DAY

It looks like a Mexican standoff, only it’s in Marrakesh. MERRYPRANKSTER and the pair he rescued stand inside a ring of armed CF crew. A ring of enraged Almoravid soldiers surround them. In between the two rings are piles of Almoravid corpses. The ALMORAVID EMIR comes out to speak.

ALMORAVID EMIR
(angry)
This is a most serious breach of hospitality!
You come to my city, eat and drink of my stores,
and enjoy my slave women…

He pulls DOMINUSNOVUS forward, by his ear.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Two of them at the same time, I might add.

The CF crew breaks out in giggles.

ALMORAVID EMIR
I should kill all of you, right now.

BULGAROKTONOS
You could try.

The WOMAN speaks to MERRYPRANKSTER

SARAH (THE WOMAN)
Let us die as martyrs. We shall go to
dwell in the house of the Lord…

AHMED (THE MAN)
Yes. There is no greater honor in Heaven and
Earth than to be a martyr…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Are you Donatists?

SARAH
That is what the Firanj call us, yes.

MERRYPRANKSTER rolls his eyes.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Great. Why do I always have to
go sticking my nose…

GEDCA
(angry)
Yes, why do you. We’re all
about to die, damn it!

DOMINUSNOVUS
Why did we ever make YOU Captain?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I think it was the promises of more
loot and women that sealed that deal.

MERRYPRANKSTER calls out to the Almoravid Emir.

MERRYPRANKSTER
If you kill us, none of those wonderful guns.

The Almoravid soldiers immediately quiet down. Some of them have seen the wonderful new guns, while others have heard about them. The EMIR is lost in thought.

ALMORAVID EMIR
You raise an excellent point. Still,
you killed the chief Imam of the city,
and a dozen of my soldiers are dead.
This cannot be allowed to pass.

Another IMAM, trailed by a collection of women, kids, and younger men, walks up to the EMIR and they speak in hushed tones.

SECOND IMAM
(to MERRYPRANKSTER)
The victims’ families have the right to decide your fate.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(defiant)
And what is their decision?

SECOND IMAM
You have brought great gifts in service to the jihad.
God willing, your new weapons will help drive the
Firanj into the sea.
(pause)
They are willing to forgive you, on the condition that
all payment for the weapons be given to them.

Angry muttering breaks out throughout the CF crew. MERRYPRANKSTER feels the weight of their glares.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Half of the payment.

The EMIR steps forward.

ALMORAVID EMIR
Three-fourths. Plus, you must
pay the zikat from your share.

He pulls a knife from his belt and gestures at DOMINUSNOVUS’ crotch.

ALMORAVID EMIR
You wouldn’t want your friend to be made’
one of my eunuchs, now would you?

DOMINUSNOVUS faints.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(hurriedly)
Three-fourths it is!

ALMORAVID EMIR
It is done.

The Almoravid soldiers begin to withdraw, leaving the unconscious DOMINUSNOVUS behind them. The Emir can’t leave without a parting shot.

ALMORAVID EMIR
(grim finality)
The apostate and the whore are your
responsibility now. If they cause any
problems, lead anyone else away from
the True Faith, you are all dead.

MERRYPRANKSTER nods.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Understood, sir.

GEDCA
(muttering)
Ward wouldn’t have backed down so easily.

EXT. – DESERT ROADWAY – DAY

A crude track has been cut into the desert. The Tunisian militia, augmented by forces from the other Crusader cities, marches along. The army is motley mix of Berber horsemen, pikemen, swordsmen, and men with muskets. The AH.COM crew, dressed in light armor, marches along with the infantry.

DOCTOR WHAT
(singing deliriously)
I ain’t no fortunate son…

LANDSHARK whacks him with the flat of his sword.

LANDSHARK
Keep it together, man
(beat)
Can you reach Leo?

DOCTOR WHAT
Every time I try to use my comm unit,
this character slaps me!

He points to a huge Berber riding on horseback alongside the AH group.

LANDSHARK thinks for a minute.

LANDSHARK
Throw me the comm unit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why didn’t I think of that?

He tosses the comm unit to LANDSHARK. The huge BERBER drops from his horse and begins pummeling DOCTOR WHAT, all while yelling something.

LANDSHARK
Leo, beam us up!

LEO CAESIUS (OS)
Will do.

The AH.COM crew begins shimmering. The BERBER who was grappling with DOCTOR WHAT leaps back, horrified.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The atmosphere is tense aboard the CF.NET Control Room. The junta that removed WARD is about to come to blows.

JUSTIN GREEN
You just cost us a lot of gold, idiot.

DOMINUSNOVUS
And they almost cost me some
precious jewels!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Look on the bright side. We’ve still got a freakin’
enormous pile of gold. That’ll keep us
in Multiverse debauchery for the next decade.
(He gestures to Ahmed and Sarah)
Besides, two new recruits. I’m sure given
a few months with us, they can learn English
and the finer points of making trouble.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Granted, the chick’s hot. But what the hell do
we need with a bunch of literate backwater idiots?

BULGAROKTONOS
I think it’s time for a change of leadership.

MERRYPRANKSTER raises his left eyebrow.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I don’t think so.

A brawl breaks out. JUSTIN GREEN and BULGAROKTONOS throw themselves at MERRYPRANKSTER. Hoping to take advantage, WARD lunges from the weapons console, only to be put down by DUQUENSE.

MERRYPRANKSTER is having problems with his opponents at the same time at close range, but NRED jumps in, whacking JUSTIN GREEN in the crotch with her crowbar. He sinks to his knees and the two of them finish off BULGAROKTONOS.

GEDCA
Umm, I think you should know about this…

MERRYPRANKSTER
What?

GEDCA
I have detected AH.COM activity.

The Control Room quiets down immediately.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Where?

GEDCA
They seem to be associated with a large
army moving inland from Tunis.
It looks like they’re trying to intercept
the Almoravid army.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What? Here? How the hell are they always
arriving at the same world we head to?

He turns to DOMINUSNOVUS.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You were on more…familiar
terms with the Almoravids than
I was. Go down there and tell them
that we’re offering our services to the jihad.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You want us to fight for the spread of Islam?

A brief look of horror crosses MERRYPRANKSTER’S face.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Of course not. We’ll just stick around
long enough to see the AHers off, and perhaps
steal something interesting. Then we’ll get the
hell out of here.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The AH away team is quite relieved to be back.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Let’s get the hell out of here.

GREY WOLF is examining the viewscreen.

GREY WOLF
We have a bloody big problem.

DOCTOR WHAT
How big?

GREY WOLF
So big that any number of drinks
won’t solve it. The CF.NET is here.

Groans erupt all over the Control Room.

GREY WOLF (CONT’D)
Their ship is flying over the Almoravid army, and
about 10% of the Almoravid troops are armed
with plasma rifles.
(beat)
Some Almoravid units are moving dozens of miles at a time.
I bet the CF crew is using their teleporters too.

MATT
With technology like that, they’ll cut
the Crusader forces to pieces!
Catastrophic changes to the TL…

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. Looks like we’re in for a fight, boys.

DOCTOR WHAT sighs and looks longingly at the liquor cabinet in the corner of the Control Room.

OTHNIEL slaps him.

OTHNIEL
Work first, sin later.

EXT. – DESERT FIELD– DAY

The Almoravid army materializes on a vast stretch of flat desert. Above them floats the CF ship.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FORTYSEVEN looks up from the controls.

FORTYSEVEN
Captain Merry, sir, we can’t teleport them
any further. I’m getting some weird
power fluctuations. It’ll be a few minutes
before we get a handle on it.

MERRYPRANKSTER seems unconcerned.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Advancing an entire army across 500 miles
of desert, to striking distance of the Crusader states,
is achievement enough.

FORTYSEVEN
The Almoravid supply train is about 200 miles away.
If they don’t win this one now, they’re going to be in
dire straits.

MERRYPRANKSTER shrugs.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Well, that’ll certainly give these
Bin Laden groupies incentive…

GEDCA clears his throat, in a manner meant to correct.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Anachronistic, I know. Still, they ARE
Islamic fundamentalists…

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD

The entire Crusader force materializes in front of the Almoravid army. Above them floats the AH.COM ship.

INT. – CF CONTROL ROOM

MERRYPRANKSTER stares, mouth agape.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What the hell!

From the weapons console, WARD laughs.

WARD
How are you going to deal with that, ‘Captain’?
If I’d been in charge, we’d be participating in
the victory pillage right now. Instead of being
screwed over in gold and having the damned
AH.COM on my ass.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ll deal with the AH weaklings the way
we always do. With lots of firepower.

WARD laughs, enjoying the show.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(muttering)
We’re still the better ship.

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD – DAY

The AH.COM ship opens fire on the CF one.

INT. – CF CONTROL ROOM

The ship shakes. WARD laughs some more.

WARD
Provided their attacks aren’t
too destructive, of course.

All eyes are on MERRYPRANKSTER. He thinks for a moment, then his eyes light up.

MERRYPRANKSTER
DRACONISNOIR, you’ve still got
that shuttle you stole four TLs back, right?

DRACONISNOIR
I don’t think I’d lose something
that big that easily.

MERRYPRANKSTER
DRACONIS, pick some men
and go hunting. Shoot the ship, land troops,
shoot Crusaders, it doesn’t matter.
Lay the proverbial smackdown!

DRACONISNOIR
Yes sir!

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD – DAY

The Almoravid and Crusader armies collide. Blue-white plasma fire erupts from the Almoravid army, punching huge gaps in the Crusader lines. Almoravid pikemen and cavalry flood the gaps and gain ground, though Crusader cavalrymen and reserves manage to contain the onslaught.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The battle fills the viewscreens.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, even things out a bit for the Crusaders.

LEO CAESIUS
Will do.

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD – DAY

The AH.COM ship opens fire into the Almoravid army. Laser fire ignites Almoravid soldiers, while missiles blast others into chunky bits. The secondary explosions from the plasma rifles kill even more Almoravid soldiers.

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD, ELSEWHERE – DAY

A door opens on the underside of the CF ship and an armed shuttle drops out. It rockets straight at the AH.COM ship.

INT. – CF SHUTTLE – DAY

DRACONISNOIR is flying the ship, while NRED, JUSTIN GREEN, DUQUESNE, and DOMINUSNOVUS serve as muscle. They’re all armed to the teeth.

DRACONISNOIR
All right. I’ll attack the ship, while
you people land on its hull. They should
send people out to deal with you, and I can kill them.

He squeezes the trigger on the joystick, grinning.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A storm of energy fire strikes the ship’s energy shields. It lurches, but manages to remain airborne.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! What just hit us?

LEO CAESIUS
The CF ship has deployed a
smaller craft.

DOCTOR WHAT
(strokes his goatee)
They’ve got a smaller ship?
And it’s armed? How
come we’ve never seen that before?

LEO CAESIUS
They’ve probably never needed it.
Though it would have been rather
helpful against the Devourer a few
months back…

DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking his goatee)
Why would Ward be sending a small ship to fight us?
They must be vulnerable somehow,
something we don’t know yet.

EXT. – THE CF SHUTTLE – DAY

The CF shuttle approaches the AH ship, continually firing. The energy bursts wear through the shield enough so the CF ship can pass through. NRED, JUSTIN GREEN, and DOMINUSNOVUS leap out, all of them carrying plasma rifles.

They set to work attacking the AH ship’s hull. The shuttle hovers nearby, too close for the AH weapons to touch, and hammers at the ship at point-blank range.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Alarms go off.

LEO CAESIUS
Boarders!

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT, Weapon M, kick their ass.

The two dash off.

INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER watches the battle. A series of AH.COM bursts punch through the CF.NET ship’s shields and jar the Control Room.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Damn it. Gedca, damage report!

GEDCA
Nothing, sir. Some hull damage.
However, at the rate things are going,
they’ll start hurting us long before we
hurt them.

WARD
You’re in over your head, boy.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns and glares at him.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You practically designed this ship class!
Find a vulnerable spot on them and hit it!

WARD
(very sarcastically)
Yes sir.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP HULL – DAY

WEAPON M and MATT emerge from a hatch and open fire on the CF.NET raiders, who in conjunction with the shuttle have managed to drill almost completely through the ship’s hull plating, exposing some vulnerable-looking wiring underneath.

The CF.NET raiders fire back, forcing the defenders back into the hatchway.

The CF.NET shuttle looms ominously overhead.

INT. – THE SHUTTLE – DAY

DRACONISNOIR laughs maniacally.

DRACONISNOIR
Run, or I’ll flambe you and
dice you like roast duck!
(giggles)
Or maybe I’ll simply kill you!

He squeezes the trigger again.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A storm of energy descends onto the hatchway. WEAPON M and MATT slam the hatch down. The blast fuses it shut.

The CF.NET raiders cheer and resume drilling through the AH ship’s armor.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

More alarms go off.

LEO CAESIUS
The raiders have penetrated the upper
layer of armor. They’ve damaged the
power conduits leading to the second particle
beam turret.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! What are MATT
and Weapon M up to?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HATCHWAY LEADING UP – DAY

MATT and WEAPON M look up. The hatch is red-hot, and sealed shut.

WEAPON M
Damn it! What do we do now?

MATT chambers a rocket in his rocket launcher, points it at the melted-shut hatch, and squeezes the trigger.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The hatch blows open. The force of the explosion knocks DOMINUSNOVUS off the ship, into the seething morass of battle below.

MATT and WEAPON M emerge from the hatch, firing at the shuttle and the CF raiders. One rocket hits the side of the shuttle and smashes one of its wings. It begins to list, smoke belching from the side.

DRACONISNOIR
(over speakers)
Can’t keep her steady.
You’ll need to get back on your own.

The shuttle begins to drift away.

EXT. – BENEATH THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A group of Crusader cavalry break through the Almoravid infantry line in the shadow of the AH ship. The Almoravids retreat and the Crusaders pursue. If the CF.NET raiders dropped into the battle now, they’d be captured or killed instantly.

EXT. – ATOP THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

JUSTIN GREEN
I really think we should go with you!

DUQUESNE nods his agreement.

DRACONISNOIR
Fine. Then hurry up!

JUSTIN GREEN gestures to NRED.

JUSTIN GREEN
Ladies first.

NRED smiles. As JUSTIN GREEN opens fire on the AH defenders, pinning them within the hatchway, NRED hops onto the shuttle’s remaining intact wing.

Once NRED is aboard, she calls to JUSTIN and DUQUESNE.

NRED
Get aboard!

DUQUESNE fires once last plasma burst at the AH defenders, then turns and runs towards the shuttle. JUSTIN GREEN keeps firing until DUQUESNE is aboard, and then he too retreats. As he runs, the two defenders rise from the hatchway and train their guns on him.

NRED hurls her crowbar. She strikes WEAPON M full in the head and sends him toppling back down the hatch. MATT’s shot misses. JUSTIN hops aboard the shuttle.

INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Alarms wail.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Gedca, damage report!

GEDCA emerges from a smoking console.

GEDCA
Shields down to 25%.
Hull penetrations in four places.
Particle cannon 3 is offline.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What about them?

GEDCA
Their shields seem to be at 40%.
The raiders have damaged one
of their particle beam weapons, but
otherwise, their structural integrity is intact.
(beat)
Oh, and the raiders are coming back. The shuttle is
damaged and Draconis wanted to get back when he could.

WARD
What a pity he wasted his efforts.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What?

WARD presses some buttons on the console.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – DAY

Two of the CF particle beams fire simultaneously. However,
they’re not targeted at the AH ship.

They’re targeted at the shuttle.

The particle beams slice both of the shuttle’s wings off. Belching smoke, the shuttle slams into the desert floor.

INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER turns to WARD, eyes bulging with rage.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What the hell was that for?

WARD
Command lesson number one.
Number one. Never leave an
enemy alive, let alone in control of weaponry.

MERRYPRANKSTER pales. WARD grins.

WARD
Command lesson number two. Never send most
of your co-conspirators on an away mission.
Leaving your ass unprotected.

BULGAROKTONOS pulls out a gun and trains it on the crew in the Control Room, his expression telling them to stay where they are. Ward glances to GRIMM REAPER. MERRYPRANKSTER draws his sword, but soon finds himself faced with both GRIMM REAPER and ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS .

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
I am not Borat!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(eyes on WARD)
Umm.._Gedca? A little help here?

GEDCA
(watching)
Sorry sir, real busy here.

GRIMM and ROMULUS circle MERRYPRANKSTER. They approach him in such a way as to force him away from the command chair. WARD rises triumphantly from the weapons console and returns to his former post. He then hails the shuttle.

INT. – CF SHUTTLE – DAY

It’s a vision of hell inside the shuttle. Fires rage on several of the consoles and smoke fills the air. DRACONISNOIR twitches, impaled on some debris, while DUQUESNE, NRED, and JUSTIN GREEN frantically try to force the door open.

WARD’S VOICE comes in over the intercom system.

WARD (OS)
Say goodbye, you traitorous little shits.

EXT. – THE BATTLEFIELD – DAY

The CF.NET ship opens fire on the shuttle the instant the trapped raiders get the door open. The shuttle explodes, incinerating all but NRED. NRED, propelled out at the last second by JUSTIN GREEN, tries to crawl away from the flaming rubble, but another blast from the CF ship reduces her to ash.

INT. – CF. NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Horror crosses MERRYPRANKSTER’S face. His eyes tear up as he glares at WARD.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(screaming)
You psychopathic son of a bitch!

WARD
(grinning wickedly)
Thank you.

MERRYPRANKSTER feints with his samurai sword, forcing ROMULUS back. With a lightning-quick motion, he draws his pistol and fires through the gap at WARD, but misses, striking a console.

GRIMM REAPER seizes the gun from the shocked MERRYPRANKSTER’s hand. MERRYPRANKSTER steps back, swinging his sword, and nearly takes off one of GRIMM’s ears. The Second in Command fires the gun he took from MERRY, shooting him in the kneecap.

MERRYPRANKSTER goes down screaming, dropping his sword. GRIMM REAPER and ROMULUS both converge upon him. The would-be Captain is buried beneath an avalanche of blows. WARD’S loyalists continue kicking MERRYPRANKSTER even after it’s obvious he’s been knocked unconscious.

WARD raises a hand. ROMULUS and GRIMM back away.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Can we kill him? I sooo want to kill him!

WARD
No. I have plans for him.

GRIMM REAPER
Are they painful, sir?

WARD scans the remaining crew, they’re all still standing at their posts, looking both scared shitless and ready to run.

WARD
(glancing at Merry)
He’s bleeding MY deck.
Get him out of here.
(stares at the Crew)
Now.

The crew launches into activity, dragging the unconscious MERRYPRANKSTER out of the Control Room.

WARD
We’ll see. Let’s get out of here.

GRIMM REAPER
Wait!

WARD raises an eyebrow.

GRIMM REAPER (CONT’D)
DOMINUSNOVUS. He wasn’t aboard
the shuttle. He didn’t help MERRY

WARD
Fine. Teleport him in.

EXT. – THE DESERT BATTLEFIELD – DAY

DOMINUSNOVUS rolls to the side as a Crusader war-horse brings its hooves down on him. He tries to rise to his feet, but throws himself down as an Almoravid warrior fires a plasma rifle. The Crusader is incinerated, and DOMINUS himself badly burned.

A moment later, he vanishes.

Overheard, the CF ship’s engines roar. It vanishes into the sky.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

A cheer goes up.

LANDSHARK
I came! I saw! I bitchsmacked his ass!

OTHNIEL
Now that the CF ship is gone, what should we do?

DOCTOR WHAT thinks for a moment, stroking his goatee as usual.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, see if you can destroy the last of the
plasma rifles. Then teleport the Almoravid
army, or what’s left of it, back to Marrakesh.
(thoughtful)
I bet historians in the future of TTL will
think this event never actually happened.
They’ll read reports of “angels” and “fire from heaven”
and think it was all some sort of mass hallucination.

OTHNIEL
Angels and fire from heaven are quite real.
(beat)
Well, not this time…

LANDSHARK
Is it just me or are the bloody
Cffer’s arses getting easier to kick?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m just glad we got our arses
out of here in one piece.

OTHNIEL
Amen, to that.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

LATER

MERRYPRANKSTER is lying on his stomach. He’s quite badly bruised and a bandage is wrapped around his shot knee. WARD, clean-shaven and totally in command, steps over to him, GRIMM REAPER stands beside him, glaring down at the would-be captain. MERRYPRANKSTER moans and GRIMM REAPER rewards him with a swift kick.

WARD
You really screwed that one up, boy.
The AH ship is inferior to us in every way, but
thanks to your damned incompetence,
they almost killed us!

GRIMM REAPER kicks MERRYPRANKSTER again. MERRYPRANKSTER rolls over.

WARD
And you were disloyal to me, you treacherous little shit.
I wasn’t really becoming a drunken fool—that was a scam.
I wanted to see who was loyal to me and who wasn’t. Those
little pissants you recruited fucked up and they got what they deserved.

MERRYPRANKSTER spits at WARD, spitting upon his boots. WARD grins and steps on MERRYPRANKSTER’s shot knee. He begins screaming in pain..

WARD
You’ve got balls, kid. I’ll give you that.
That’s why I’m going to let you live.

MERRYPRANKSTER’s eyes widen.

WARD
You showed initiative. You should you can think.
But you screwed up in your leadership, boy.
You fucked up and your people died because of it.

MERRYPRANKSTER looks away, eyes shut.

WARD
As I said you’ve got initiative, you can think,
and I need people that can do that. A ship is
not run by idiots who can only say ‘yes, sir’,
it’s run by people who can think and act without
having their god damned hands held.
(MerryPrankster stares at him in confusion)
As of this moment, you’ve been promoted to Third in Command.

MERRYPRANKSTER’s jaw drops.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Holy…
(nearly groveling)
Wh…why thank you, sir.

WARD
First order of business is to get back to the Hub.
We need repairs for my ship and new crew for
those that you lost today. All that gold from
the Almoravids will pay for the repairs,
we don’t have Ian’s blank check this time.

WARD suddenly steps forward and places his boot upon MERRYPRANKSTER’s neck, applying pressure until the other man is gasping.

WARD
(deadly serious voice)
You ever pull a gun on me or question my leadership
of this ship, then you’ll see how long you can survive
in a vacuum, boy. Remember, you’re replaceable.
Do I make myself clear?

MERRYPRANKSTER
(gugling)
Yes…sir…

WARD lets up the pressure and MERRYPRANKSTER gasps for breath.

WARD
Now, get to the Med Bay and get that knee patched up,
clean up, and get your ass back in the Control Room.

MERRYPRANKSTER laboriously gets to his feet as WARD watches him. The Captain turns and heads for the door, MERRYPRANKSTER limping after him.. GRIMM REAPER brings up the rear.

GRIMM REAPER suddenly moves close to MERRYPRANKSTER’s back and shoves the barrel of his gun into the small of his back.

GRIMM REAPER
(Whispering)
I’ll be watching you, Traitor.

MERRYPRANKSTER hurries forward, closer to WARD.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Umm…sir? What happened
to Ahmed and Sarah?

WARD
(non-chalantly)
Those two specimens of desert trash
you insisted on rescuing?
(grins evilly)
I let them off easy.
I had them killed.

MERRYPRANKSTER can only stare at him in horror.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS