TEASER

EXT. – RUINED CITY- DAY

We slowly pan across to see the ruins of a city before us. Much of the city is in rubble but there are still quite a few rather ugly looking office buildings still standing here and there. The remains of The Kremlin can be seen in the background. We see a wide trash strewn and debris filled avenue going off into the distance. A street sign with a name –TVERSKAYA – can be seen hanging off a lamp-post near the camera. Off at the far end of the street we suddenly see an army truck turn a corner on two wheels and come towards us at high speed. A few seconds later, a 100 foot high ROBOT LENIN turns the corner as well, chasing the truck.

GIANT ROBOT LENIN
MUST…CRUSH…CAPITALISM…

CLOSE-UP—CAB OF TRUCK

We see MATT driving. Crammed in the cab is DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY and KIT.

MATT
Why is it that nobody is ever happy to see us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Beats me. Maybe it has something
to do with our personalities?

The ah.commers gives this suggestion some very deep thought for a few seconds.

ALL
Naaaaaaaaaaaaah!

REVERSE SHOT: Truck driving down the street. A few seconds behind them is the GIANT ROBOT LENIN.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LESBIANS OF DOOM”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.Com Ship hovering over a planet.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, LANDSHARK and MATT at various posts.

LEO
Fascinating. Truly fascinating.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is, LEO?

LEO
This planet is rather unusual,
even by our standards. The
total population of the planet
appears to be about 3 billion
or so. All female.

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and LANDSHARK suddenly become more attentive.

MATT
Er…this isn’t like the last one, is it?
Psychotic cannibal clones running around?

LEO
Nope. Nothing like that. It seems to be a
fully functioning society. Early 21st century
technology by the looks of things—maybe
even slightly more advanced. Monitoring
of their TV and other communication
broadcasts indicates some rather unusual
and intriguing differences.

LANDSHARK
Such as?

LEO
As near as I can ascertain from the broadcasts,
virtually every female on this planet has a size
DD breast size. And judging from what I can
monitor from their entertainment broadcasts,
all of them seem to be lesbians.

KIT
(grinning and rolling his eyes)
A planet full of big breasted lesbians? Heh.
That sounds just like your dream world,
doesn’t it, Doc.
(beat)
Doc?

We hear the sound of stampeding feet. KIT looks around and sees the Cotnrol Room empty.

KIT
Hello??

INT. –TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT rushes into the empty chamber and starts frantically pressing buttons on the control panel. We hear various beeping noises start becoming louder. He jumps onto the teleporter pad. LANDSHARK comes rushing in,

LANDSHARK
Get back here, you loon!
(jumps onto the pad and grapples with DOCTOR WHAT)

We see a bright flash of light and the two of them disappear.

A few moments later, MATT staggers in, breathing heavily.

MATT
Man, I’ve got to quit smoking.

He settles down against the Teleportation Tube Console and passes out.

EXT. -CITY STREET- DAY

We see a flash of light and see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK appear in a heap on the ground. The two of them are rolling on the ground.

LANDSHARK
The least you’ve could have
done was wait for the rest of us!

DOCTOR WHAT
No! Mine! My precious!

WOMAN’S VOICE (o.v.)
FREEZE!

LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT look up to see themselves surrounded by a dozen tall big breasted women in extremely tight leather cop uniforms. All of them are holding clubs and riding crops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa—just like the opening scene
to Lesbian Cop Fantasies #9….

The cops grab LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT and carry them off-screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
(giggling)
Does anyone else find this arousing?

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

MATT staggers back into the Control Room. KIT looks up at him as he comes in, he’s sitting in the Command Chair.

KIT
Why didn’t you go?

MATT
They left without me.
And I don’t know how to
use the Teleportation Tubes…
(weeps bitterly)

KIT
Now, now. Come here and KIT
will make it all better. You don’t
need big breasted lesbian women
to have fun.

We hear beeping noises coming from one of the control stations. MATT walks over and looks at something on his panel.

MATT
What the hell? I’m detecting
surface weapons tracking us!

KIT
Shields at maximum!

MATT
They’re firing!

Ship rocks from the weapons fire. Suddenly, all of the power goes off.

MATT
What the fuck? Leo—what’s happening?

LEO
They’ve hit us with some kind of
energy dampening weapon! Shields
are offline, as well as weapons and
main power. We are on emergency power only.
(beat)
Oh dear—I am detecting a ship
on an intercept course.

EXT. -AH.COM SHIP- NIGHT

We see a Space Shuttle-like ship pull alongside the AH.Com ship and attach itself to the hull.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Red Alert signs are activated.

LEO
Hull breach! They’re cutting
through on deck 3, section 5!

MATT
(hitting intercom)
Intercept the boarders, everyone!

INT-SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see DIAMOND, WEAPON M and PSYCHOMELTDOWN rushing down a corridor carrying BFGs. They turn a corner and see—half a dozen 6 foot tall women in extremely skimpy and skintight uniforms. None of the women have a breast size smaller than 36 DD.

The three ah.commers stop.

DIAMOND
(awestruck)
Whoa…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(quietly)
Diyiin Dine’e’, aahehee’.

WEAPON M
(smirking)
Uh—any of you girls interested in
posing for my militia babe calendar?

The women stare at the men for a second, exchange a glance with one another and then open fire on the three ah.commers…

INT. -ANOTHER SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see MICHAEL, GBW and THANDE running down a corridor. A tall statuesque blonde woman in a skimpy and skintight uniform comes around the corner. The three ah.commers come skidding to a stop.

GBW
Holy-!

The woman stares at the three ah.commers for a second, frowns and presses a button on her wrist. There is a blinding flash of light and the three ah.commer collapse to the floor, screaming and covering their eyes. Woman wades in and starts using karate like kicks and chops on the three of them.

THANDE
(while being beaten up)
Oddly this is the most intimate touch
of a woman I’ve had in several weeks.
(hits the floor unconscious)

INT. -YET ANOTHER SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

GREY WOLF, G.BONE, DAVE HOWERY, and HENDRYK are turning a corner and are confronted with about a dozen of the Lesbian Space Marines.

HENDRYK
Mon Dieu!

Lesbian Space Marines open fire on the five of them. GREY WOLF, G.BONE, and DAVE HOWERY are stunned and collapse to the ground. HENDRYK turns and runs.

GREY WOLF
(gasping)
Bloody French…

INT. – SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE rushing down a corridor. She sees, at the far end of the corridor, HENDRYK come out of a side corridor. Before he can turn the corner and run towards IRONYUPPIE’s direction, he’s hit by a barrage of weapon fire and collapses. IRONYUPPIE stops, looks frantically around and runs down a side corridor. A few seconds later, over a dozen of the Lesbian Space Marines turn the corner and walk towards the camera.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

KIT and MATT are the only ones in the room.

KIT
(looking at various screens on his control panel)
They’ve got control of the engineering section,
the main Shuttle Bay and Med Bay!

MATT
I’ve lost contact with over half the crew!

The door to the Control Room blows inwards, sending smoke and debris everywhere. MATT is hit by a chunk of debris in the head and collapses. Three Lesbian Space Marines come in, each of them heavily armed.

KIT
Er—can we discuss this
like reasonable people?

Lesbian Space Marines open fire on KIT

KIT
Guess not…
(collapses)

INT. –LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON CELL- DAY

We see, chained by all arms and legs to a wall, are DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
So. We’re chained to a wall. In a prison cell.
In the subbasement of a large and imposing
and escape-proof building. On a planet run
by psychotic and physically abusive lesbians.
Who are no doubt planning all kinds of painful
and twisted things to do to various parts of
our bodies with various painful
and twisted implements.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.
(thoughtful pause)
Any chance we can visit this
place again for my birthday?

LANDSHARK stares at DOCTOR WHAT with a look of annoyance and anger.

LANDSHARK
(muttering under his breath)
I can make it look like an accident.
Plug the power cord of the mechanical
sheep into a DC outlet instead of an
AC outlet. Nobody would ever know…..

INT. –AG.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see the captain of the Lesbian Space Marines sitting in the Command Chair. Tied up and on their knees nearby are MATT (with a crude bandage on his head) , KIT, DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND and WEAPON M. Some of the Lesbian Space Marines are looking disdainfully at the rest of the Control Room.

FIRST LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Pretty ugly place, huh? No sense of décor whatsoever.

SECOND LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
You said it. Now—imagine the place in
a nice daredevil red with orange accents.

FIRST LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Better idea—mango peach accents.

THIRD LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Ooooooh! Now that would look good.
How about some nice blue throw pillows
on the seats as well?…

KIT
(quiet shocked voice)
Oh God—these aren’t just
Lesbian Space Marines. These are –
(pause)
Lesbian Space Marines/Interior Decorators!

DIAMOND
(horrified voice)
Oh dear God in Heaven….

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
(talking to another Marine)
Have you accessed the computer system yet?

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
(fiddling around with a computer console)
Just a moment…

LEO
(voice coming from a speaker)
Hey! Just what the hell
do you think you’re doing?

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Who the hell are you?

LEO
I am LEO—the A.I. that runs this ship.
There wasn’t much I could have done
to stop you from taking over the ship
but there’s no friggin way I’m going to
allow you to mess with me. Oh—and
to the three so-called interior decorators
in the corner—Ugh! You’re going to
make the place look like a McDonald’s
franchise with that scheme…

Gasps of shock from the three Space Marines and suppressed giggles from assorted ah.commers.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Cheeky bastard, aren’t you?
Figures that you’ll have a male personality…

The Marine Captain nods her head at the Marine Technician. The technician quickly hooks up some machinery to a computer panel.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
Downloading new personality subroutines…

LEO
Hey! Cut that out! What are
you doing! Ow! Arggh! Gaaaa-!

LEO suddenly goes silent.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
Re-initializing personality program…

We hear the beeping and see the blinking of the computers change slightly in tone and pattern.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Computer?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
Hello Captain.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Confirm identity.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
My name is….AUDREY.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
(talking to technician)
Very good job.

Marine Technician beams with pride.

AUDREY
Those ideas for redecorating are great!
I have a few more ideas—anyone has
some cocktail napkins to write on?….

INT. –AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR- DAY

We see a squad of Lesbian Space Marines march by. A few seconds later, we see IRONYUPPIE poke her head from around a corner of a small dark side corridor. She looks up and down the main corridor and moves off in one direction.

A few minutes later she comes across a sign –Teleporter Room. The room doesn’t seem to be guarded. Glancing quickly up and down the corridor, IRONYUPPIE moves into the room.

INT. – LESIBAN PLANET – PRISON- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK still chained up to a wall. A guard comes in.

GUARD
And how are we doing today?

DOCTOR WHAT
Betrayed, bewildered,
bewitched, befuddled, baffled…
(off GUARD and LANDSHARK’s looks)
…wrong response?
What about horny?

LANDSHARK rolls his eyes while the GUARD stands there with a ‘wtf’ look on her face.

LANDSHARK
(to GUARD)
Is there someone I can complain to about
cruel and unusual punishment? Twelve hours
cooped up with this loony should count
for something, right? At least the
equivalent of a month? Maybe two?

GUARD
Doesn’t matter—you’re scheduled to
be executed in just a few days anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
What?!?

GUARD
Of course—standard punishment for all men here.
Yeesh—you guys really are stupid, aren’t you…
(rolls her eyes theatrically)

Guard leaves cell.

Long pause

LANDSHARK
So this is it—I’m going to die.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s not so bad—you get to see all these
cool looking people dressed up all in red
and carrying pitchforks….

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
Somebody. Please shoot me now.

IRONYUPPIE (OV)
Now, Now, Sharky. You know I’m the
only one allowed to hurt you…

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
IRONYUPPIE?!?

We see IRONYUPPIE’s face appear behind a small window up high on one wall.

DOCTOR WHAT
How did you find us?

IRONYUPPIE
Yeesh—the only two men on the whole
freaking planet and the main subject of
every news report on every TV station
in the world and he asks how I was able
to find them….

DOCTOR WHAT
So—what’s the plan?

IRONYUPPIE
I’ll let you know when I think of it.

LANDSHARK
Oy—where’s the rest of the gang?

IRONYUPPIE
Ain’t no gang—just me. The
whole ship has been captured.

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
What?

IRONYUPPIE
Long story involving lesbian space marines
and interior decorators. Give me a few minutes—
I’ll see what I can do….

IRONYUPPIE leaves.

EXT. –LESBIAN PLANET – STREET- EVENING

We see a police officer in a skintight leather uniform walking down a quiet street. She passes by a collection of stores (one of them labelled ‘Brooks Sisters’) . She looks up to see IRONYUPPIE leaning nonchalantly on a wall near an alley. The police officer smirks and walks over to IRONYUPPIE.

POLICE OFFICER
Evening.

IRONYUPPIE
(heavy sultry voice)
Why—hello there, officer…

POLICE OFFICER
(confused look)
Something wrong with your voice—
you sound like you’re getting a cold…

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voice)
Why does it work for Kathleen Turner and not me?
(normal voice)
Uh—just a little…er…overwhelmed by
how good you look in that uniform.

POLICE OFFICER
(smirking again)
I see. And what’s your name?

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Hoover.

POLICE OFFICER
(confused look)
Hoover? Like the vacuum company?
That’s an unusual name.

IRONYUPPIE
(grinning)
Well—if you come into the alleyway,
I’ll show you why my friends call me that….

Officer raises her eyebrows in surprise, looks around and, still smirking, walks into the alleyway with IRONYUPPIE.

Long pause.

We suddenly hear a loud thumping sound.

Another long pause.

We see IRONYUPPIE walk out of the alleyway wearing the policewoman’s uniform—but it’s extremely tight on her and barely fits her. Her bosom looks like it will practically explode out of her clothes at any moment.

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering under her breath)
…stupid shirt…planet full of big breasted women
and I still can’t find something that fits…

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. –LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON – EVENING

We see IRONYUPPIE (in her skintight and barely fitting policewoman’s uniform) walking towards the entrance. There are several guards at the entrance.

GUARD #1
Halt!

IRONYUPPIE
What seems to be the problem?

GUARD #!
Identity Papers!

IRONYUPPIE
(hands over her stolen badge and assorted documents)
I’ve been assigned on special interrogation duty
for the two captured men. Seems like my superiors
think that the men will talk if they are subjected
to my…special…techniques.

GUARD #2
What kind of ‘special techniques’?

IRONYUPPIE looks conspiratorially around and leans in very close to the two guards and whispers into their ears. We see the guards’ facial expressions change from slight confusion to surprise to slight fear to smirking satisfaction and then back to slight confusion.

GUARD #2
(slightly dubious tone)
The whole tennis ball?

IRONYUPPIE smirks and nods her head.

IRONYUPPIE
You’ll be surprised at what one can
accomplish with enough lubricants.

The two guards sigh wistfully.

GUARD #2
When you’re done with the two of them
perhaps you can give me a few…er…pointers.
(beat)
In private.
(beat)
At my place.
(beat)
Over drinks.

GUARD #1
I would not be opposed
to a few lessons as well…

IRONYUPPIE
(smirking)
Maybe we can make it
into a group discussion…

IRONYUPPIE smiles and walks away from the guards towards the entrance.

GUARD #1
Wait!

IRONYUPPIE pauses.

GUARD #1
(looking at the papers given to her)
It says here that you’re a 36DD
(looks suspiciously at IRONYUPPIE)
You’re at least a 38DDD!
(raises her gun)
Freeze!

IRONYUPPIE
Damn it—I always knew my boobs
would get me into trouble one day!

IRONYUPPIE throws her Yo-Yo at the two guards, stunning both of them. Guard #1’s gun falls to the ground, discharging a shot. The gunshot is extremely loud and echoes for several seconds. A few seconds after the gun goes off, in the distance, an alarm is raised.

IRONYUPPIE
Fuck!

She runs towards the prison entrance—only to have three more guards appear in front of her, weapons drawn. Behind her, a police car (with sirens blaring) arrives. We hear additional sirens off in the distance.

IRONYUPPIE looks at the cops in front and behind her, frowns and—very reluctantly—drops her Yo-Yo and raises her hands above her head. Three of the cops wrestle her to the ground and handcuff her and drag her off-screen.

INT. – LARGE COUNCIL ROOM CHAMBER- DAY

We see an immense room. Seated on a throne-like chair on a raised dais on the far end of the room is a tall, statuesque, redheaded woman in regal attire. This is QUEEN ANACTORIA. On either side of her, clearly bodyguards of some sort, are two Valkyrie-like women, wearing military uniforms and carrying an impressive assortment of weapons (everything from knives to a small but powerful looking handgun) about their person.

On either side of the room are numerous seated women (roughly 150 on either side) .

None of the women look remotely pleased to be here.

An aide rushes to QUEEN ANACTORIA’s side and whispers something in her ear.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Bring the prisoner in.

The doors open up and IRONYUPPIE (in handcuffs and leg irons) is marched in with a small squad of grim looking Lesbian Space Marines surrounding her. They come to a halt about 20 feet in front of QUEEN ANACTORIA.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(standing up and walking towards IRONYUPPIE)
So—you’re the one everyone is talking about.
(checks out IRONYUPPIE)
Impressive. So tell me—why
did you try to help those men?

IRONYUPPIE
They’re my…
(beat)
Friends?
(confused look)
Well—maybe not friends
but people that I’m fond of.
(beat)
For the most part.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
And yet –you risked your life to do so?

IRONYUPPIE shrugs her shoulders.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
They tell me that you may not be from
this world. That you—and the captured men—
are some kind of dimension hopping travellers.

IRONYUPPIE
It’s what we do
(beat)
Look—we meant no harm. Sure they’re
morons but they’re harmless morons.
Let us go and we’ll never bother you again.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Hmmmm…I could be persuaded to
let YOU go—but not the rest.
We got laws against them being here.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah—that reminds me—
how did all that happen anyway?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
It happened back about 20 years ago.
There was some idiotic war that was
being fought in the middle-east and,
of course, everyone had to get involved.
Somebody decided to use chemical
weapons during the fight so the other side,
naturally, had to respond with THEIR
chemical weapons. It would have been
bad enough if they were using normal
chemical weapons but they had to get
all fancy and use brand new stuff that
they just finished developing. What
they didn’t know was all the stuff had
a synergistic effect in the atmosphere
when combined. In six months every
male on earth was dead and every female
ended up with big boobs. That didn’t
seem to matter very much because we
all ended up becoming lesbians as well.
Since then, we’ve recreated society in our image.
(shrugs shoulders)
Anyway—back to the subject at hand.
What to do with you?

IRONYUPPIE
Let me go? And my crewmembers?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(thoughtful pause)
Maybe—just maybe– we can release one
of them with you. IF I release you at all, that is.

IRONYUPPIE
I prefer all of them released.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
You are hardly in a position
to negotiate with me.

IRONYUPPIE
There has to be some kind
of deal we can make.

Silence from QUEEN ANACTORIA and the rest of the council for several seconds. Then—from the back of the room—can be heard one word –‘Thunderdome’

QUEEN ANACTORIA raises her eyebrows at this suggestion. We hear muttering among the assembled crowd.

IRONYUPPIE
Thunderdome?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
“Two women enter—one woman leaves”.
It is an old method to resolve disputes
that is still on the books. It’s only been
used three times in the last 15 years—
and I’ve won all three times.
(beat)
Very well—if you win, we will allow
ONE of your crewmembers to be released.

IRONYUPPIE
What happens if I take on you
and your two bodyguards?

Mutterings among the crowd increases dramatically. The two bodyguards do a double take. A look of shock crosses QUEEN ANACTORIA’s face.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
All THREE of us? At the same time?!
(looks around the assembled crowd in shock)
You’re serious?

IRONYUPPIE nods her head grimly.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Very well—
(raising her voice so that it could be heard by everyone in the room)
By my command if you, IRONYUPPIE,
defeat both me and my two bodyguards in
Thunderdome, then we will allow not just
you but all your companions to be released
and allowed to leave our world.
(beat)
But if you fail….
(trails off)

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(to the crowd)
PREPARE FOR THUNDERDOME!

Crowd goes nuts. Cheering, screaming and much running around ensues. IRONYUPPIE is dragged away.

INT. – LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON CELL- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK still chained to the wall. DOCTOR WHAT looks deep in thought. He turns to LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky?

LANDSHARK
Yeah?

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me the truth—do you
find Wilma Flintstone hot?

LANDSHARK stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a second. He turns away and looks deep in thought. He slowly turns back to DOCTOR WHAT

LANDSHARK
I find Wilma Flintstone to be one of
the most desirable women around.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about Betty Rubble?

LANDSHARK looks deep in thought for a few seconds.

LANDSHARK
I would do Betty—but I would
be thinking of Wilma.

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh thank God—I thought I was
losing my mind there for a minute.

DOCTOR WHAT blinks his eyes in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are we doing?!
We’re sitting here—

LANDSHARK
–hanging here—

DOCTOR WHAT
–hanging here discussing the
hotness of Wilma Flintstone!

LANDSHARK
You’re right! This is an insane
conversation. In the list of insane
conversations that I’ve had,
this is the most insane!

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wilma will never leave Fred and we know it.

LANDSHARK nods his head in agreement.

We hear—off in the distance—a loud cheer coming from thousands of people.

DOCTOR WHAT
They started up again.

LANDSHARK
Sounds like this Thunderdome
is pretty popular.

DOCTOR WHAT
Apparently they have some kind of
satellite hook-up—it’s being broadcast
on pay per view across the whole planet.

LANDSHARK
Doc—do you think that….

We hear shouts of ‘Queen Anactoria!’ repeated over and over in the background.

LANDSHARK
(cont.)
…do you think that Erikka has a chance?

We hear shouts and cheers from the crowd.

DOCTOR WHAT thinks about this for a minute or so.

We hear additional shouts of ‘Ooooh’ and ‘Wow’ in the background. There’s a smattering of applause.

DOCTOR WHAT
You and I both know that if it was just
one on one, it wouldn’t even be a contest.
Two might be doable.

We hear additional shouts. Some screaming. Very loud applause.

DOCTOR WHAT
But three against one?
(shakes head)
Sorry man.

We hear more screams in the background. Wild cheering. Frantic exuberant applause. We hear low chanting.

LANDSHARK
(morbidly)
I’m going to miss her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Me too.
(beat)
But considering that they’re going to kill
us right after the end of the show, I don’t
think we’ll have time to do so. Plus what
better way to die, than to die at the hands
of some big breasted lesbians?

LANDSHARK
You got a point there…

We hear the chanting get louder and louder. We can make out four syllables that are getting clearer and clearer to hear—

I-ron Yup-pie! I-ron Yup-pie! I-ron Yup-pie!

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK exchange a glance.

DOCTOR WHAT
(quietly)
No way…

The shouts of ‘IronYuppie’ get louder and louder…..

INT.-PRISON CELL- DAY

SOMETIME LATER-

A guard opens up the cell and walks in. There are two other guards behind her. The first guard moves quickly to DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK (still hanging on the wall) and undoes their chains.

FIRST GUARD
(awestruck voice)
(nearly incoherent)
Your friend…she…she…all
three of them…at the same time…
(shakes head)
There are some that want
to make her the new queen.
(beat)
You’re free to go. We’ll be releasing
your friends on your ship within the hour.

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK exchange a glance, smirk and walk out.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. -AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE, DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, MATT and LANDSHARK sitting at various stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
How are you feeling, LEO?

LEO
Much better, Doc—thanks for asking.

DOCTOR WHAT
All traces of that other personality removed?

LEO
Pretty much—although I fear that
there may be some residual side-effects.

DOCTOR WHAT
Such as?

LEO
I find myself being overwhelmed with
the desire to put up some pot pourri in
the Control Room and acquire a pet cat.

Ah.commers shudder. DOCTOR WHAT pats a control panel sympathically.

DOCTOR WHAT
I feel your pain, man….

MATT
Engineering Room reports that we’ll
be ready to Jump in just a few minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good—the sooner we leave
this place the better.

IRONYUPPIE
Never thought I’ll see the day that you
say you’re happy to leave a planet full
of lesbians, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT shrugs his shoulders.

KIT
Whoa—incoming transmission from the
planet. It’s from… QUEEN ANACTORIA?!?

‘Wtf’ expressions from all the males.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Put her on.

Viewscreen goes on.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(smiling)
Good luck IronYuppis. Safe journey.
(beat)
Are you sure you won’t
reconsider our offer?

IRONYUPPIE
Tempting offer but no—somebody
has to make sure that these loonies
don’t screw up too much.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(smiling)
Very well then. I’ll miss you.
(beat)
A lot.
(beat)
DO come back and visit,
won’t you? Please?

IRONYUPPIE
I will.

Viewscreen goes off.

IRONYUPPIE looks around at all the confused looks from the ah.commers.

IRONYUPPIE
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(very confused and incoherent)
But…you…and the bodyguards…
and the queen…what about Thunderdome?
‘Fight to the Death’ and all that?

IRONYUPPIE
Yeesh! You men and your ‘Fight to the Death’ crap!
Seriously—all that testosterone must
shrink your brains or something…

DOCTOR WHAT
But wait—if Thunderdome wasn’t some
kind of Battle Arena, then what was it?

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Queen’s bedroom.

IRONYUPPIE grins and walking out the control room. The ah.commers stare open-mouthed at her as she leaves.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS