TEASER

EXT- MULTIVERSE EXPLORATION SHIP AH.COM – DAY

Middle-range shot of the AH.COM as it rests in orbit around a huge but apparently lifeless hunk of rock somewhere in the asteroid belt.

GREY WOLF
(offscreen)
(singing drunkenly)
I’m Hen-ery the Eighth I am
Hen-ery the Eighth I am
I am married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before

LANDSHARK
(offscreen)
(pleading)
Would you please, for the love of all that is holy…
SHUT UP!

Camera focuses in on a smallish window in the ship’s hull and begins to slowly zoom in on it until we are inside the AH.COM’s spacious Mess Hall..

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

We see two figures sitting at a table – LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
(singing)
And ev’ry one was an Hen-ery
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam
No sir!

LANDSHARK
I’m trying to eat, you drunken twit!

LANDSHARK throws down his fork in disgust. A piece of unidentifiable meat product flies off the end of the fork and lands wetly on his cheek. He wipes it off deliberately and sighs.

GREY WOLF
(still singing)
I’m her eighth old man
I’m Hen-ery
Hen-ery the eighth I am!

The galley is silent, and GREY WOLF takes a long pull from his bottle of absinthe.

LANDSHARK
Why were you singing that anyway?
Isn’t it a little… beneath you?

GREY WOLF
(in a tone of wounded dignity)
I’ll have you know I was singing it for my unicorn.

LANDSHARK
Bubbles?
Isn’t he down in the livestock bay?

GREY WOLF
Not Bubbles; the other one.

LANDSHARK looks around suspiciously.

LANDSHARK
Uh… what other one?
You did remember to take your meds today, didn’t you?

GREY WOLF
I was singing it for the green unicorn that lives in my bottle.
He says that song is an under-appreciated gem.

LANDSHARK
Ooookayyyy….
Hey! What’s that over there?

LANDSHARK points to the other end of the galley.

GREY WOLF
(looking around blearily)
Huh? Wozzat?

While GREY WOLF is distracted, LANDSHARK uses his fork to flip a quick-dissolving tablet of MegaProzac into GREY WOLF’S absinthe bottle.

LANDSHARK
Oh… I guess it was nothing.

GREY WOLF
(happily)
Well, in that case –

GREY WOLF takes a swig from his bottle and puts his arm around the inaginary unicorn at his side.

GREY WOLF
(cont.)
Second verse!
Same as the first!
A little bit louder
A little bit-

GREY WOLF’S eyes suddenly glaze over and his head smacks the table as he goes out like a light.

LANDSHARK
Oh thank God.

LANDSHARK pauses, looks about, and then pilfers GREY WOLF’s wallet.

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
Of course… Nothing.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“NOW You Tell Us”

Written By: Diamond

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

Fade from black. Our point-of-view is at elbow-height along the length of a stainless steel counter in front of a series of mysterious blinking lights and switches. Cookie crumbs can be seen strewn liberally all over the counter. In the background are several blurred figures.

Suddenly the camera focuses on one figure and races towards its face at alarming speed. It nearly hits DAVE HOWERY’S face, and he jumps back a little.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey! Watch that thing, would you?
The idiot kids back at the Wendy’s
showed more care with the deep-fat fryer!

CAMERA-MAN
(offscreen)
Sorry about that, sir.

DAVE HOWERY grumbles and brushes imaginary dust off his sleeves.

Our view widens to include the whole Battle Room. DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, nattily dressed in a tweed coat and a blue tutu. Several other members of the AH.COM – GBW, MICHAEL, and MATT – stand in a loose circle around the chair, trying not to be obvious about it as they glance at the Doc.

GBW
(whispering)
Should we tell him?

MATT
Nah. He probably already knows.
Tell you the truth, I think he likes it.

GBW stifles a giggle and glances at the Doc’s tutu.

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me what?

MICHAEL
(clearing throat)
Uh… did you know you were wearing a tutu?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, this old thing?
I mean… NO! What tutu?

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly rips off the tutu and hides it behind the command chair. Now he’s left wearing only a yellowed pair of tighty-whities and his tweed coat. Oh, and a pair of suede loafers.

MICHAEL
At least it’s not a thong…

GBW
Riiiiiggghhht…

DOCTOR WHAT
(briskly)
Moving right along – what did you have to tell us, Dave?
Something about a transshifter-something-or-other-drive?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. I don’t know how I missed it. I must’ve…

DAVE HOWERY’S voice trails off into an indistinct mutter.

MATT tries not to shudder as he catches a glimpse of DOCTOR WHAT’S underwear.

MATT
What was that? Couldn’t quite hear you.

DAVE HOWERY
(embarrassed)
Well… you remember that timeline
a few jumps back? The one with the
really great weather in Wyoming?
The one where I spent the whole time relaxing outside?

GBW
(scowling)
The one where you spent the whole time
rubbing our noses in how great the weather was
and how didn’t we wish we weren’t on duty
so we could come enjoy it?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. That one.

MICHAEL
Yeah? So?

DAVE HOWERY
I was having such a great time there that I,
uh, must’ve forgot to refuel the
Transshift Accelerator Drive.

There are groans and moans from everyone gathered in the battle room. DOCTOR WHAT grows pale and suddenly shrieks, shaking his fists at the ceiling.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting)
The Transshift Accelerator Drive?
The Transshift Accelerator Drive!?!
Oh dear God, why? How could you forget
to refuel it? It’s a critical piece of machinery!
WHY?!?

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly slumps back in his chair (pulling the wedgie out of his crack) and scratches his head, a confused look on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(cont.)
What exactly does that thing do again?

DAVE HOWERY
Y’know, I’m not sure.
We just keep putting fuel into its hopper,
and it keeps doing… whatever it is it does.

MATT
What kind of fuel does it use?

DAVE HOWERY
Well… I…

MICHAEL
Let me guess – you don’t know that either.
What kind of Engineering Chief are you, anyway?

MATT
(under his breath)
A bad one?

DAVE HOWERY
I heard that!

He suddenly whips out a cup of Wendy’s chili.

DAVE HOWERY
You know, this chili isn’t complete without
certain… ingredients. So watch it, bazooka-boy.
Besides, all we’ve got to do is call down to engineering.
Those red-shirted monkeys that work for me
will know what kind of fuel it takes.

INT. – ENGINEERING SPACES – DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE sitting at a rickety card table with a stack of tattered cards upon it. Cups of hot coffee sit at their elbows, while all around them, various dials and gauges edge dangerously into the red, no one watching them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is dumb. Why are we playing this again?

G.BONE
Would you rather be working?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah. Touché.
As they say, why do something today
when you can damn well do it tomorrow.

G.BONE
Yeah… Whatever.
Now.
(looks down at cards)
You have any threes?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait… I thought we were playing poker.

G.BONE
Poker? I thought we were playing Crazy Eight.

The speaker mounted on the wall above their heads suddenly blares into life. PSYCHOMELTDOWN screeches and falls backward to the floor, knocking his hot coffee into G.BONE’S lap.

Cursing, screaming, and shouting ensue.

DAVE HOWERY
(voice from speaker)
When you two are done screwing around down there,
get your asses up to the Battle Room, OK?

G.BONE shoots PSYCHOMELTDOWN a long-suffering look and cradles his burnt crotch in pain.

G.BONE
The… Pain… is…Terrible.

INT. – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
So let me get this straight. None of you
knows what the Transshift Accelerator Drive
does, or what fuel it takes?
Gaaah! I can’t… THINK!

MATT
Maybe if you had some pants on…

DOCTOR WHAT
Good thinking, Matt!
Othniel! Boy! Fetch my pants!

OTHNIEL springs out of a small hatch under DOCTOR WHAT’S throne.

OTHNIEL
Right away sir!

OTHNIEL runs in place like a cartoon for a few seconds, then speeds off down a corridor. Seconds later, he is back, carrying a rich golden pair of bell-bottoms.

DOCTOR WHAT
(patting Othniel on the head)
That’s a good boy, Othniel.

OTHNIEL
Only the best for you, sir!
(gives a bright smile)

DOCTOR WHAT
(struggling into the bell-bottoms, which are disturbingly tight)
All right then, back to your hole, that’s a good boy.

OTHNIEL scurries back into the hatch under the command chair.

MICHAEL
(shaking his head)
I’ll never get used to that.

MATT
But you spent three months in there…

MICHAEL
(faraway look)
It was terrible…
The cold…
The dark…

DOCTOR WHAT
Right then! Let’s get to work!

MONTAGE; a mosaic of scenes played to the music ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor:

The AH.COM crewmembers planning around a large table;

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN peering at the Transshift Accelerator, scratching their heads;

DAVE HOWERY looking through a stash of Canadian Department of Tourism magazines he had hidden under his mattress, looking over his shoulder guiltily;

MATT clipping his toenails with a pair of bolt cutters;

DOCTOR WHAT doing the back-stroke in the ship’s pool while OTHNIEL fans him with a huge palm frond.

TORQUMADA and THANDE battling a huge glob of flesh crawling down the corridor.

More planning by the crewmembers, DOCTOR WHAT lies passed out on the planning table.

STRAHA lies nestled against the side of the SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN, a small smile on his face.

AH.COM crewmembers looking confused as they stare at a schematic. GBW turns the schematic around, and gives them a satisfied look, they look even more confused.

INT. – ENGINEERING SPACES – DAY

We’re in a compartment; its true dimensions aren’t clear due to the profusion of pipes, wires, conduits, ducts, panels, and machinery clogging nearly every available space. DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are clustered around a small, innocuous piece of machinery. It looks like an old-fashioned meat grinder turned on its side, with wires coming out of it and LEDS blinking random lights.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it? That’s what all the fuss is about?

DAVE HOWERY
Yep.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not much to look at, ain’t it?
On the positive side, Leo was able to figure out what kind of fuel it takes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah! I knew someone on this heap of junk would come through for me!
Leo! Hit me, baby!

An intercom overhead comes to life; screeching feedback issues from it, then voices speaking some obscure language, and what sounds suspiciously like a woman moaning in pleasure.

LEO CAESIUS
How may I assist you, Captain?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at the intercom suspiciously)
Well, you can start by telling me what that was I just heard…
You’re not running up the ship’s phone bill with that
Burushaski phone sex line again, are you?

LEO CAESIUS
Er… no… whatever gave you that idea?

The sound of a phone connection being broken is heard in the background.

LEO CAESIUS
(cont.)
Heh, heh… anyway, I’ve found the information you requested.
It was quite simple, really.
I simply phoned Doctor Smedly Arkwright, whom I studied under at Cambridge.
He was a student of Edgar Edgington, who published several books back in the 1950s about—

DAVE HOWERY
(growling)
Cut to the chase.

LEO CAESIUS
Right. The Transshift Accelerator Drive runs on unobtanium,
a rare mineral found only in certain asteroids.

DOCTOR WHAT
Like the one we’re conveniently coincidentally in orbit around?
(winks at camera)

LEO CAESIUS
That is correct. Sensors show sizable deposits of unobtanium within the rock.
The asteroid seems to be riddled with passageways of some sort, possibly artificial.
It should make our mining efforts much easier.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Happy day! Let’s hurry up and get mining!

DAVE HOWERY
That’s very uncharacteristically un-lazy of you…
in a hurry or something?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(loftily)
It just so happens that I’ve discovered a timeline
where Alyson Hannigan is married to me. I’m
going to knock that imposter out and take his place!

DOCTOR WHAT
You, uh, might want to rethink that, Psycho.
My alternate in that timeline is an investigative
reporter, and he’s discovered that little Alyson
is really ‘Al’.
(pause)
If it’s any consolation, she’s still cute as a guy…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S face seems to crumble and a single tear tracks down his cheek.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

DAVE HOWERY
By Ian, it’s a beautiful sight
when you witness someone’s soul being crushed!

DOCTOR WHAT nods as PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s cries echo down the corridors.

Fade to black:

ACT II

INT. – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

Fade up from black:

We are in a large docking bay in one side of the AH.COM. There are several shuttles scattered here and there, most in a state of disrepair. We see DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, WEAPON M, MATT and IRONYUPPIE standing around one shuttle that seems in better repair than the others.

DAVE HOWERY
All right, is everyone clear on the plan?

IRONYUPPIE
Is that what you call it?

DAVE HOWERY
(defensively)
Hey, it may not be perfect, but it’ll work.
Why doesn’t anyone ever trust me?

Everyone else looks around and shuffles their feet, refusing to meet DAVE HOWERY’S eyes. An uncomfortable silence ensues.

WEAPON M
Anyway…

DAVE HOWERY
(pouting)
Fine. Be that way.

IRONYUPPIE
(in her most winningly charming voice)
Oh, don’t be that way, Dave.
We all trust you implicitly. Don’t we, guys?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT, G.BONE, WEAPON M
(in less than convincing voices)
Yeah! Sure! Of course we trust you, Dave! Duh!

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Schmuck…

DAVE HOWERY
(slightly mollified)
Okay then. The plan is simple: we need unobtanium.
The rock we’re orbiting has plenty of it.
G.Bone and Psychomeltdown, with Yuppie and
Matt as protection, go in, take some out of
the walls, and bring it back. Couldn’t be easier!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(dejectedly)
Yeah…
Easy.

G.BONE
We’re gonna die in there…

DAVE HOWERY
(cheerfully)
Now, that’s the spirit!

INT. – A LARGE CAVERN IN THE ASTEROID – DAY

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN stand nervously, clad in bulky spacesuits, carrying large, vacuum cleaner-like mining apparatus and rucksacks. MATT and IRONYUPPIE flank them, carrying even larger plasma cannons.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(taking off rebreather)
I wonder why there’s an atmosphere in here?
We should all be sucking vacuum right now.

IRONYUPPIE
I wonder if we really needed to bring guns this big.
My electrified yo-yo can handle anything we’ll find in this dump…

MATT
You can never have guns too big.
(strokes barrel of gun lovingly)

IRONYUPPIE
(rolls eyes)
Right, big guns.
One would think you’re
overcompensating for something…

MATT
(defensively)
I just like to be well armed…

IRONYUPPIE
Rrrright. Let’s get to it.
Matt, you take G.BONE,
I’ll watch Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervously)
Why do I have to go with you?
You terrify me…

IRONYUPPIE
Shut it.

G.BONE can be seen snickering and sticking his tongue out at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re sooo dead when we get back, G.Bone…

INT. – A NARROW CORRIDOR – DAY

We follow along behind IRONYUPPIE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN as they cautiously head down the corridor, which appears to almost have been chewed out of the rock around it.

IRONYUPPIE
All righty… what does this stuff
we’re looking for look like?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It should be found in fist-sized deposits
embedded in the walls; it’ll look kind of
like glowing yellow crystals.

IRONYUPPIE
Like that?

IRONYUPPIE points to a glowing yellow lump of crystals on the ground directly in front of them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wha huh?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN uses a small device to check the mineral content of the crystals.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes! Pure unobtanium! I wonder
why it’s just sitting in the middle
of the floor like that though…

IRONYUPPIE
Who the hell cares?
Just take it and let’s get going.
Look – there’s another one!

The two look down the corridor; a neat line of unobtanium crystals stretches as far as they can see.

IRONYUPPIE
(cont.)
We’ll be done in no time.
Sharkie baby, heat up the chocolate sauce,
momma’s comin’ home!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s a wonder any of us are still sane
with mental imagery like that floating around…

INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

G.BONE is greedily stuffing lumps of unobtanium into a canvas sack, while MATT whistles and strokes his alarmingly large gun lovingly.

MATT
(To himself)
Overcompensating??
Pfft!

G.BONE
This is great! We’ll be done in no time.

MATT
Yeah, I guess… too bad
I probably won’t get to shoot anything.

G.BONE
Well, I’d rather have
too little to shoot at than too much.

MATT
Ah, there’s nothing this baby can’t handle!
Did you know it’s got…

The two walk slowly out of camera range, MATT droning on about the virtues of his weapon. In a cross-corridor they’d passed some minutes before, something growls and we see orange eyes glow briefly, then disappear.

INT. – YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

IRONYUPPIE idly strolls down the corridor, kicking at pebbles on the ground, her extremely large gun draped across her shoulders, while PSYCHOMELTDOWN, groaning and holding his back, continues to load unobtanium.

IRONYUPPIE
You know, all that bitching and moaning isn’t gonna help any.
I’m here to guard, you’re here to…
do whatever it is you do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But why can’t I carry the gun for a while?
My back…

IRONYUPPIE
Nope.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But—

IRONYUPPIE
Shhhh!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You—

IRONYUPPIE
Zip it!

INT. – AND YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

G.BONE
Does this remind you of anything?

MATT
Yeah… can’t quite think what it is though…

As G.BONE and MATT approach an intersection where another of the seemingly endless series of corridors crosses theirs, a large, yellow, spherical creature pops out at them.

G.BONE
Yaaaaaah!

MATT
Holy shitballs!

CREATURE
Wakka wakka!

The CREATURE has a large mouth filled with disturbingly white and even teeth, which it gnashes at MATT as he levels his gun at it.

MATT
I’ll hold him off! Run!

G.BONE
Don’t have to tell me twice…

G.BONE runs off down the corridor, the bag of unobtanium balanced precariously on one shoulder. Behind him, MATT opens up with his gun.

MATT
Eat hot plasma, asshat!

INT. – THE ASTEROID – DAY

We are hovering above the maze of corridors, looking down. From this height (pretend somebody cut off the roof) , we can see IRONYUPPIE, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT, and G.BONE running like rats in a maze dotted with yellow unobtanium crystals, being chased by several of the large yellow creatures. The camera begins to sink as the four AH.COMers begin to converge on a large circular central chamber dominated by a low mound of earth.

IRONYUPPIE
(running and shouting into a wrist-com)
AH.com! AH.com! A little help down here please!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(right behind her)
Ahhhhh! Scary yellow thingies!

G.BONE
(running in from another corridor)
I wanna go back to Hawaii!

MATT
(running right behind G.BONE)
I wanna bigger gun!

IRONYUPPIE
Quick! Everyone to the top of
this conveniently placed mound of earth!
We can hold ‘em off from there!

The AH.COMers form up atop the mound, G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN crouched protectively over their bags of unobtanium while MATT and IRONYUPPIE hold off the creatures, blazing away into their ranks.

IRONYUPPIE
AH.com! Sharkie! Alice! Anyone?

G.BONE
All this rock is probably blocking the signal!

Suddenly the round yellow creatures stop their attack and pull back a bit from the mound, leaving a clear space between themselves and the humans.

MATT
I don’t like the looks of this…

The ground beneath them begins to tremble and crack. Something massive and yellow can be seen rising up…

MATT
(cont.)
Everyone hold on to something!

IRONYUPPIE
Like what, moron?

The four of them begin to slide down the mound, rolling and tumbling. Guns and sacks of unobtanium go flying. They come to rest at the bottom of the mound. Above them looms a massive creature, similar in appearance to the others, but nearly twenty feet wide. A cheap-looking tin crown perches incongruously atop its head. This is KING AT-AR-EE. He begins to speak in a deep, booming voice.

KING AT-AR-EE
FOOLISH HUMANS! HOW DARE YOU INVADE
THE SACRED CHAMBERS OF THE PACC-MENH! I
AM KING AT-AR-EE – BOW BEFORE ME!

G.BONE
(whispering)
Hey, that’s got a nice beat – At-ar-ee, bow to me!

IRONYUPPIE
(elbowing G.BONE in the ribs)
Quiet, poi boy!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(humbly)
We meant no harm, Your Majesty.
Our ship needed fuel, and we—

KING AT-AR-EE
(scornfully)
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT!
YOU’RE THE THIRD GROUP OF THIEVES
WE’VE HAD TO DEVOUR IN THE LAST MONTH!
YOU’D THINK ONE OF YOU COULD
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE!
COME ON PEOPLE! THIS ISN’T A DRAKA TIMELINE!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh…

MATT
(trying unsuccessfully not to laugh)
Did—did you say… ‘Pac-Men’?
Hahhaaa… HAHAHAHAHA!

KING AT-AR-EE
YOU DARE TO MOCK MY PEOPLE?
YOU DARE?!?

IRONYUPPIE
(horrified)
What are you doing, Matt?

MATT
(shaking with laughter)
I’m s—sorry! I can’t help it!
Pac-man!
Hahahahahaha!

KING AT-AR-EE
KILL THEM, MY WARRIORS!
KILL THOSE WHO WOULD DEFILE THE REALM OF THE PACC-MENH!

Still laughing uncontrollably, MATT begins to fire his weapon as the PACC-MENH start to swarm towards them.

KING AT-AR-EE laughs maniacally above.

Suddenly, IRONYUPPIE’S wrist-com squawks into life.

GREY WOLF
(from wrist-com)
What were you…
I was…
What was I going to say?

G.BONE
The King rising to the surface
must’ve caused a fissure wide
enough for a signal to get through!
Yes!

IRONYUPPIE
(looking directly into the camera and winking)
Isn’t that convenient?
Grey Wolf! I’ve never been more glad
to hear your incoherent rambling!

GREY WOLF
I think I’ve been insulted.
Have I been insulted?
Hmm…
You said…
(long pause)
What?

IRONYUPPIE
PAY ATTENTION!!!

GREY WOLF
(animatedly)
Oh, of course!
What can I do for you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shouting while using a large rock as an improvised weapon)
Deus ex machina! Deus ex machina!

IRONYUPPIE
Did you hear that, Wolf?
We need a Deus ex machina, PRONTO!

GREY WOLF
I’m on it!

As the four humans fight desperately for their lives, we here a ‘pop!’ sound and in the midst of the PACC-MENH, LANDSHARK and OTHNIEL suddenly appear.

LANDSHARK
(shrieking)
IRONYUPPIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OTHNIEL
But… nothing’s happened to her yet, Landshark.

LANDSHARK
That’s not the point!
I saw a chance to be dramatic,
and by God I took it!

IRONYUPPIE
(looking a bit concerned)
Oh Shaaaaaarkie… A little help, please?
God, I wish I had my yoyo…

LANDSHARK
Right. You ready, Othniel?

OTHNIEL
Sure am.

LANDSHARK picks up OTHNIEL by handles sewn into his collar and belt. OTHNIEL stiffens, his arms by his sides. Suddenly, the entire top half of his head hinges back.

LANDSHARK
(aiming Othniel like a weapon)
Get ready to eat hosannas, dirtbags!

A pause, then,

LANDSHARK
You guys might want to turn on your heathenoflage units.

IRONYUPPIE, MATT, G.BONE, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN hastily comply. When the small heathenoflage units at their belts are activated, the four AH.COMMERS seem to shimmer momentarily, and when the shimmer dies away, they are dressed in ties, slacks, and white shirts, each carrying a Bible in a shoulder holster.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why do these damn things always
make us look like Mormon missionaries?

LANDSHARK
Okay, one more time:
GET READY TO EAT HOSANNAS, DIRTBAGS!

CUT TO: EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF OTHNIEL’S MOUTH

LANDSHARK presses a button set into the back of OTHNIEL’S neck. A blue spark can be seen deep in his throat, and an unearthly choir of voices, thousands upon thousands of them, issues from OTHNIEL’S gaping mouth.

CUT TO: CAMERA RAPIDLY PULLS BACK, STILL FOCUSING ON OTHNIEL’S MOUTH

We see pale spectral forms rush from OTHNIEL’S mouth and, shrieking with ethereal beauty, swarm around the PACC-MENH.

The AH.COMMERS, protected by their heathenoflage units, watch in awe as the PACC-MENH wail and die, some melting like hot wax, others exploding, still others evaporating like steam. The whole time, the HOSANNAS keep up their unearthly chorus.

KING AT-AR-EE explodes with a horrendous bang, showering the AH.COMMERS with warm, yellow bits of flesh.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. – THE CAVERN – DAY

The battle is over. The AH.COMMERS, heathenoflage turned off, now lean tiredly against the dirt mound, smoking cigarettes and wiping the dirt and blood away from their faces.

LANDSHARK is busily calibrating OTHNIEL’S head. As he turns a socket wrench, the top of OTHNIEL’S head slowly ratchets back down until his appearance is normal once more. (Or, as normal as he appearance ever is.)

MATT
Thank God it’s over.

G.BONE
(shuddering)
I may never play a video game again.

IRONYUPPIE
(standing wearily)
Well, let’s get back to the shuttle.

G.BONE
Why don’t we just have Grey Wolf beam us up?

LANDSHARK
(hovering at IRONYUPPIE’S side)
The only one beaming her is gonna be ME!

General laughter.

G.BONE
I don’t get it…

More laughter.

The camera slowly pulls back from the group as they exit the chamber. There is silence for e moment, then we hear a small growl, more of a mewl really, and we see a small, spherical shadow on the wall…

FADE TO BLACK .

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY

The bay is huge, stretching off into the distance, and is filled with giant racks upon which are cargo crates of various shapes and sizes. As we watch, GBW and G.BONE come in, lower the unconscious OTHNIEL into a crate, and then begin nailing it up, sighing and bitching in a put-upon way.

GBW
I don’t see why we have to carry this reference
all the way through to the end.

G.BONE
(leaning on his crowbar)
You’ve got to have some rules.

GBW
I suppose so.

OTHNIEL
(beating on the crate from inside)
Let me out!
Dammit, I hope we recruit another crewman to be
designated butt monkey soon…

Ignoring him, GBW and G.BONE hoist the crate up and lower it into place amid all the others. As they do so, GBW steps around the corner and notices DIAMOND there, bent over a workbench and fiddling with a pair of glasses, screwing the frames together as he looks through a huge lens to magnify them.

GBW
Hey, what are you up to? You missed all the fun!

G.BONE
(gives him dirty look)
Oh, it’s all fun for you lot staying behind on the ship…
You weren’t nearly eaten by a bad 1983 arcade game port!

DIAMOND
Oh, hey guys.
Sorry, must have got absorbed in doing these new frames for Thande.
(holds up glasses)
Needed to be damn precise though – I had to borrow this big lens,
none of my usual ones were good enough.

G.BONE
(looks at lens)
Wait a minute…I recognise that…it’s the focusing lens
from the Transshift Accelerator Drive injection assembly!
(pause)
The one that needs to be in place for the fuel gauge to work properly!
(suddenly angry)
The one that makes it read as ‘empty’ if it’s not in place!

DIAMOND
Oh, is it?
(shrugs)
Ah well, no harm done, eh?

G.BONE leaps on top of DIAMOND and attempts to disembowel him, while GBW tries to pull them apart.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is busily patching up the various injuries of the AH.COMMERS. DOCTOR WHAT is standing nearby, smiling benignly, while DAVE HOWERY ogles a chunk of unobtanium.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow. To think, all this fuss about a little chunk of rock.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN throws a large piece of lab equipment at DAVE HOWERY, which he adroitly ducks.

TORQUMADA
Hey! Don’t throw that!
Do you have any idea how hard
it’ll be to replace something
in here if the union finds out
how rough you people are on things?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling absently at the blue tutu, which he is now wearing over the gold bellbottoms)
Good job, guys! With the Transshift Accelerator Drive
back up and running, we’ll be able to… uh…
Well good job anyway!

TORQUMADA
All right, I’m done with everyone except…
anyone seen IRONYUPPIE?

MATT
I think I heard her say something about
meeting Shark in the galley – something
about chocolate pudding, a bag of rice, and Tabasco sauce…

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up)
Leo, locate Yuppie and Shark, would you?

LEO CAESISUS
(v/o, from speaker)
Of course, captain.

A hologram forms in the middle of Sick Bay, showing LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE doing something unspeakable to a frozen turkey.

IRONYUPPIE
(giggling)
Ooooh! That tickles, Sharkie!

Pan across the faces of the gathered crew.

Deep and profound silence.

Then everyone in the Med Bay begins screaming in horror.

EVERYONE
THE FORKS! THE FORKS!!!
WHERE’S THE FORKS?!!!

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL CREDITS