TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

We fade up from black to see DOCTOR WHAT sitting on the edge of his bed and stroking MYNX gradually more and more strenuously, his saucer-round eyes locked on a TV screen facing away from the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yes, oooohhh yes,
Yes…

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes widen still further.

DOCTOR WHAT
With a cucumber?!!

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes widen so wide that his eyeballs actually flop out and dangle on their optic nerves.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit!

He prods his eyeballs back into place and stares intently at the screen again. For the first time, the camera pans around and we see the screen, revealing that in fact it’s a cookery programme.

DOCTOR WHAT
With this knowledge my Love Chicken
will become more powerful than I can
possibly imagine!

Suddenly, we see rainbow streams of light flash past the porthole set into the wall, and the TV screen is consumed by static.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
Wankbiscuits!

He levers himself up from the bed and stumps off through the door toward the bridge.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT enters at the same time as several other Ah.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell is going on?!

STRAHA
(sourly)
Ask Leo…

LEO CAESIUS
Greetings, Doctor.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why did you just take us
into crosstime shift without my orders?

LEO CAESIUS
Um…

MICHAEL
What is this world, anyway?

A map appears on the gigantic video screen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That looks familiar…

HENDRYK
It’s the world with no China
and no France!
(bursts into tears)

THANDE
Yes, the one where the Cuban
Missile Crisis went hot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, isn’t this the place where the crazy
people were worshipping fast food places?
Man, this world sucked…
(Pause)
Unless…
(Pause)
Do they have booze on this planet?

LEO CAESIUS
The Swedish Empire cultivates vodka
wholesale from fallout-mutated potatoes…
it’s six thousand proof.

DOCTOR WHAT
And porn?

LEO CAESIUS
India is a rich superpower here.
Bollywood has just completed
‘Karma Sutra 2, This Time It’s
Really Personal’.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing his hands gleefully)
Well, perhaps we could just make a little scouting trip…
To see how things have changed since the last time
we were here, of course.

Most Ah.commers barrel out of the bridge, leaving only OTHNIEL, who shakes his head sadly before following them.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HAVANAGEDDON”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

The crowd of Ah.commers arrives.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right! Landing party.
Me, Michael, Othniel,
KIT, MATT and Thande.

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
Yeah, that makes sense.
On a planet where Britain,
Canada, America and Australia are all
destroyed, pick a team made up solely
of British, Canadians, Australians and Americans…

DOCTOR WHAT
Quiet, or I’ll bring Psycho and
you can stay to operate the teleporter.

MICHAEL goes silent.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where should we be going, anyway?

LEO CAESIUS
This world has a New United Nations.

KIT looks intrigued.

LEO CAESIUS
-based in Hawaii.

G.BONE
Hawaii? Like, totally bodacious, dude!
That means I get to come on the landing party for once!

DOCTOR WHAT
(acidly)
It means no such thing.

G.BONE does his impersonation of a whining puppy; DOCTOR WHAT instantly softens.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, all right then.

G.BONE gets on the pad.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grandly)
Energise, Mr. Meltdown.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN begins punching buttons. Nothing happens for a while.

MICHAEL
Hurry it up, you imperial-loving dinosaur!

MICHAEL pulls out a poster of Alyson Hannigan.

MICHAEL
I want to see how this burns
in the radioactive volcanoes!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks up, his eyes burning in anger, and hammers down on a button. The landing party vanishes in a loud pop.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Your words hurt more than you know Michael.
But I will have my revenge! Oh, yes I will.
(pulls out a rubber duck from beneath the console)
You reap what you sow…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN begins laughing insanely.

EXT. – HAWAII – DAY

The landing party members pop into view.. 50 feet above Oahu. They scream and fall to the ground.

MATT
Well, at least I fell on
something soft and squidgy.

OTHNIEL
(muffled)
I resent that…

DOCTOR WHAT
Michael, you fool, You don’t mess with
the mind of the Teleporation Tube operator!
Or you’ll end up fused with something unnatural.

MICHAEL
(dismissively)
Pfft.

G.BONE
Yeah. As the Teleporation Tube Operator,
I deserve a litt-

DOCTOR WHAT
Be quiet, G.Bone.
People that matter are talking here.

THANDE
Actually, Doc, Psycho had already
inputted the X and Y coordinates; he
just scrambled the Z.

DOCTOR WHAT
Luky us.]

Groaning, the team pick themselves up and walk westward.

G.BONE
It looks like Pearl Harbour
and Honolulu were, like,
totally nuked, but-

Suddenly a huge complex of buildings rises towards them. Rather than the bland cornflake box of OTL’s UN HQ, it looks vaguely like a cross between the Taj Mahal and St Peter’s in Rome.

KIT
(eyeing the tower)
Mm, symbolism…

DOCTOR WHAT
In we go!

MATT
(snickering
That’s what he said…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
So childish…

They walk through the entrance archway, which is surmounted by the N.U.N. symbol – similar to our UN, but it shows the world burning and a phoenix rising from the ashes. Their path is blocked by two Hispanic-looking guards with bolt-action rifles.

GUARD
Halt!

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, maybe we should
handle this diploma-

There is a loud BOOM and a wail. DOCTOR WHAT turns to find MATT holding his smoking B.F.G. and the guards and the floor, groaning.

DOCTOR WHAT
-or not.

The team moves forward into:

INT. – NEW UN CHAMBER – DAY

Similar to OTL’s UN, with countries’ representatives seated in a circle. The flags of South Africa, India and Brazil are most prominent, represented by MARIUS, FLOCCULENCIO and an ALTERNATE OTHNIEL. Also represented are Sweden {MATTEP74} and Argentina {CIVILISER – yeah, he’s Chilean, but in TTL that’s part of Argentina} plus several others. The Ah.commers have walked in during a hot debate.

MATTEP74
The responsibility
lies with you!

He points at CIVILISER.

CIVILISER
(hotly)
We would find it far easier
to guard the Caribbean if YOU did
not fund the pirates!

MATTEP74
That is an outrageous allegation!
If you do not retract it, this means wa-

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Gentlemen?
Pray tell, what’s going on?

N.U.N. representatives look at each other.

CIVILISER
Who the madre-de-dios are you?

DOCTOR WHAT
We are but travellers…
We wish merely to help.

MICHAEL mutters in DOCTOR WHAT’s ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah, and I don’t suppose
you could direct us to the nearest
porn and liquor store?

MARIUS
How did you get here?
The islands are closed off by
multinational patrols!

MICHAEL
Well, we have this teleporter thing, and-

MATTEP74
The technology! They have it too! Then-

FLOCCULENCIO
(heavily)
They may be our only chance.
These strangers that just walked into our midst
and we not know who and what they are and
what intentions they have for our beautiful world.

MICHAEL
Beautiful world?
Pfft!

DOCTOR WHAT
Perhaps you’d better explain what’s going on.

MARIUS
As you know, our world was devastated
by the nookie-leer war between Geoff Kay
of the Untied State of Armenia, and
LaFemmeNikita Crushchavs of the Sozzlepot
Uniform, over those Cuban cigars…

OTHNIEL
History books a bit scorched, were they?

CIVILISER
And when we rebuilt, our first law was that
no other country would ever develop those
terrible weapons – on pain of death.

G.BONE
And now…

FLOCCULENCIO
Someone has. A maniac called Quatmin.
In Cuba itself, no less!

MARIUS
With the radiation…we can’t even
get there to stop him!

MATTEP74
But he has this shielding technology
provided by this gang who call themselves…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Don’t tell me. I can guess.

INT. – NUKE COMPLEX – CUBA – DAY

Around a table, members of the Cf.net crew are sitting as GEDCA, FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX perform a presentation.

FORTYSEVEN
…and then it’s simply a matter of
launching them.

FEDERATIONX
At our enemies.

FORTYSEVEN
Yeah.

GEDCA
Of course, they’re nothing compared
to the Family Atomics of House Atreides…

WARD
Shut up, boy.

GRIMM REAPER
(steepling his fingers)
Excellent work.
Of course, these missiles will
never be used, but they must be perfect…

WARD
Merry, go and get Quatmin.
It’s time.

MERRYPRANKSTER gets up and exits the room; a few seconds later, QUATMIN enters. He wears clothes showing the colours of the U.S. flag and a baseball hat that leaves his face in shadow.

QUATMIN
(deep, twangy voice)
You are ready?

GRIMM REAPER
(grins macabrely)
Showtime.

INT. – N.U.N. CHAMBER. – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
So you’re saying-

Across the room, TV screens blur with static and then show the shadowed face of QUATMIN.

CIVILISER
Quatmin!

MATTEP74
It’s you!

QUATMIN
Good evening gentlemen…
All your cities are belong to us.

MARIUS
What you say?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(as an aside)
Funny how that resonates
through all timelines…

QUATMIN
We have the forbidden weapons.
And now…

QUATMIN steps away from the camera and WARD appears.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ward! The Evil commander of the CF.net
and my arch-enemy! It looks like we once
again clash upon this already devastated world!

WARD
Quiet, boy. Or I’ll make it so that you’ll
reget your Mama ever mettin’ your pa.
I will just say my piece and let you pansies
in you colorful clothing bicker about it.
(clears throat)
Give us what we want or a world of hurt like
you’ve never seen will come down upon this planet!

Silence descends in the N.U.N chambers.

WARD steps off screen.

GRIMM REAPER takes his place, smiling benighly down upon the gathered foverment officals. He notices the AH.com crew.

GRIMM REAPER
Ah, Bruno. It’s nice to see you here.
Though I must say that time has not
been kind to you since we last met.
(grins evilly)
Now, to you gathered bafoons, if you
do not wish to view a repeat performance
of your 1962 War, you shall
pay to us the sum of…
(Camera zooms in)
One billion dollars!

All N.U.N. members burst out laughing.

CIVILISER
Inflation after the war…

MARIUS
That’ll just about buy a cappuccino…

GRIMM REAPER
(laughing)
That was a joke, you fools.
We want this instead.

The image of GRIMM REAPER is replaced by a rapidly scrolling list of items and resources. The N.U.N chambers go utterly still.

QUATMIN
Or kiss your world goodbye!

The screens fade.

CIVILISER
They want everything we’ve managed
to rebuild since the 1962 War!
We’ll be destroyed once again!

ALT. OTHNIEL
(seriously)
You are as advanced as they are.
You are our only hope.

DOCTOR WHAT
(gallantly)
For great justice!

MICHAEL
(loudly)
For great porn and booze!

DOCTOR WHAT
(enthusiastically)
That too!

DOCTOR WHAT opens a com unit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky? Erikka? Go talk to Dave…
There’s something we need building…

LANDSHARK (on com unit)
Oh, bugger off. I’m busy.

INT. – ENGINEERING – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seated in a deckchair in the centre of the room, his feet up on the pulsating reactor and a rainbow-coloured cocktail in his hands. Engineering lackeys swarm around, fixing things. DAVE HOWERY lazily picks up a whip and cracks it at them.

DAVE HOWERY
Faster you dogs! Faster!

DAVE HOWERY pulls out a bag of maple leaves and begins slowly feeding them into the reactor, watching them burn with perverse concentration. Behind him, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE enter the room. LANDSHARK immediately grabs DAVE HOWERY by the throat and drags him out of the deckchair.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey-

LANDSHARK
Shut your mouth you workshy Yank!
Doc What and the team need an anti-radiation suit,
and you’re going to build it for them!

DAVE HOWERY
(defiantly)
Can’t make me!

LANDSHARK
We’ll see if you say that after
Mister Cricket Bat says hello
to Mister Duodenum!

IRONYUPPIE
Hush, Sharky. Now if you
do that, he won’t be in any position
to build it, will he?

LANDSHARK
He’ll be in a position, all right…

IRONYUPPIE
There’s a simpler way.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh-

IRONYUPPIE
Now listen, Howery.
Either you build that suit
or I’m telling your Canada Haters’
Anonymous group about that box
of maple syrup under your bed.

DAVE HOWERY
(sudden, profound terror)
No, not that!

DAVE HOWERY dashes into the back of Engineering and returns with a huge monkey wrench, which he uses to begin building.

LANDSHARK
(disappointed)
Well, it worked, but-

IRONYUPPIE
Mister Cricket Bat can always
say hello to Ms Duodenum after
he’s finished it…

LANDSHARK
(eyes light up as he stares
significantly at DAVE HOWERY)
‘Ms’ Duod –
God I’m outclassed.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – N.U.N. COMPLEX – HAWAII – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and crew are standing outside the N.U.N. building. Before them sits an Ah.com shuttle, in front of which IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK and DAVE HOWERY, who is constantly wincing and walks like John Wayne. They are all staring at something off-camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
(critically)
It’s not the most portable-

DAVE HOWERY
It’s the best I could do at short notice!
(to himself)
Aagh…

The camera angle changes and we see that they’re staring at MATT wearing a suit made of three metre thick lead plates. Even the Marine can barely move wearing it. DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s no good…

THANDE
If you prefer, I have a new anti-radiation
drug called Inadvisabline…

DOCTOR WHAT
Great.
(Pause)
What are the side-effects?

THANDE
Nothing serious…there’s a chance
your kidneys might start to glow in
the dark…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, why’s it called Inadvisabline?

THANDE
Because it can’t be taken orally or
intravenously.

DOCTOR WHAT
(cottoning on)
You mean…

KIT
(saluting smartly)
Permission to administer the drug, sir-

EVERYONE
NO!

INT. – NUKE COMPLEX – CUBA

The Cf.net crew and QUATMIN are staring at a big screen, which shows the Ah.commers walking across the melted, blasted landscape of Cuba. All of them are now wincing and walking like John Wayne, except KIT, who has an expression of warm pleasure.

QUATMIN
Intruders!

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
How amusing.
May I slowly torture them to death?

GRIMM REAPER
No time. Dominus-

DOMINUSNOVUS
(doesn’t look up from his mirror)
God, looking at myself makes me horny.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, yes, just go and deal with them.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Why should I?

GRIMM REAPER holds up a large phone book labelled ‘AMERICA – ALL TIMELINES – FEMALE ONLY’. DOMINUSNOVUS’ eyes light up.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yessir!

EXT. – CUBA –DAY

As we saw on the screen before.

MICHAEL
(wincing)
I think I’d rather have
radiation poisoning.

KIT
Take it like a man!

OTHNIEL
Ouch, I’m allergic to innuendo…

LANDSHARK
Hey…
Who’s this wanker?

We see DOMINUSNOVUS standing erect (ahem) before them on a rocky outcrop, his cape streaming flamboyantly in the wind.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You shall not pass!

An Electric Chinese Yo-yo of Death knocks his hat off.

IRONYUPPIE
(fiercely)
Dammit! This sprog’s throwing
my aim off!

DOMINUSNOVUS
(angrily)
Casus belli!

DOMINUSNOVUS leaps at IRONYUPPIE with a baseball bat but is intercepted by LANDSHARK and his suspiciously stained cricket bat.

LANDSHARK
Prepare for your end to meet its end!

As they duel, the other Ah.commers go to help but around them appear GEDCA, FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX, who pull out phasers and begin blazing away.

GEDCA
Ya hya choudhya!

FEDERATIONX
Today is a good day to die!

MATT
I agree.

Fire from MATT’s B.F.G. causes a series of bloody wounds to appear on FEDERATIONX’s chest and he falls to the ground. Meanwhile, a phaser blast from FORTYSEVEN hits DAVE HOWERY, who passes out.

DAVE HOWERY
Shot by a Canuck!
The indignity…

IRONYUPPIE unleashes her Electric Yo-yo again and it hits FORTYSEVEN right in the heart. He topples over, screaming and going unconcious.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, you’ve got your accuracy back…

IRONYUPPIE
(pointing alternately at her heart and groin)
What do you mean? That was
more than a foot too high!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.

GEDCA’s orange Dune shield snaps into existence and repels MATT’s gunfire.

GEDCA
You shall never defeat me!

MATT
Asshat!

MICHAEL
Here, catch.

He tosses a small silver device through the air. Travelling slowly, it passes through the shield and lands near GEDCA, who flinches, but smiles when it doesn’t explode.

GEDCA
Your grenade is faulty.

MICHAEL
That’s not a grenade.
That’s a laser pointer.

GEDCA’s eyes flash down as the laser beam intercepts his shield.

GEDCA
Nooo….

A small mushroom cloud detonation envelops GEDCA, throwing him into the air and leaving only smoking boots.

MICHAEL
(smirks)
Galah.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
Is that all of them – uh –

We see LANDSHARK and KIT struggling with a squirming DOMINUSNOVUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are you doing?

LANDSHARK
We’re being very humane and
Geneva Convention like.

KIT
Yeah. We even administered our
anti-radiation drug to him. Twice.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(morbidly)
Is there a fork for the soul…?

He faints. The Ah.commers continue toward the NUKE COMPLEX, dragging the unconscious DAVE HOWERY with them.

INT. – NUKE COMPLEX. – DAY

We zoom out to see that the remaining Cf.netters have been watching these scenes on a screen. WARD belts it with his fist and it cracks.

WARD
Damned embryos!
They wouldn’t have lasted five
minutes in the War!

GRIMM REAPER
Indeed. We must make
another plan to cover their
failings…

SCARECROW
Um…isn’t there a five minute
delay with those pictures?

GRIMM REAPER
Why?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because we’re already here.

The Cf.netters turn to find the Ah.commers there with weapons drawn.

GRIMM REAPER
Ah.

DOCTOR WHAT
I won’t let you nuke this world, Ward.

GRIMM REAPER
(spreading his arms)
Bruno, Bruno, Bruno!
Would I do a thing like that?
No point in killing millions of
people when you can sell weapons
to them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, then-

SCARECROW
It was just a bluff.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
But the bombs do work.
(to WARD)
Please can we use one? Please?
I want to destroy something…

DOCTOR WHAT
(tosses a briefcase to GRIMM REAPER)
The N.U.N caved to your demands. After they saw the device that Dave built, they just gave up hope.

WARD
I would have fought.
(sneers)
Cowards.

WARD leaves the room, a sharp crack singlaling his teleporting away.

OTHNIEL
(looking about)
What now?

DOCTOR WHAT
I guess we see about those nukes.

GRIMM REAPER
Fine. Follow me.

They leave through a reinforced door.

INT. – MISSILE BAY – DAY

The vast room is filled with nuclear missiles, with a series of open hatches in the ceiling.

MATT
Hey, we actually found some
weapons of mass destruction…

KIT
(staring at nearest missile)
So…symbolic…

GRIMM REAPER
All right. You bought them.
Do with them what you like.
There’s more where this came from.
Just let me turn off the launch-

A Colt .45 bullet hits his bony hand and shatters it.

GRIMM REAPER
What the-?!!

QUATMIN
No. I won’t let you.

The figure steps from the shadows, his baseball hat hiding his face.

QUATMIN
In this timeline America squandered
its chance to rule the world. Well, if
we can’t have it, no-one can.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who are you, anyway?

QUATMIN pulls off his baseball hat to reveal the face of MERRYPRANKSTER.

GRIMM REAPER
(picking up the pieces of his hand)
You!
(double-takes)
I never did see you two in the same room!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes…
Now I will launch the missiles!

He hits the button and leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
What, that’s it? We just let him?!
Two billion people dead?

GRIMM REAPER
Aw, well. What do you expect from our crew?
(shrugs)
Ta-ta. You kids have a nice day.
Did you make sure to pack your
Two Million Sunblock?

The missiles begin to ignite around them, as GRIMM REAPER walks off laughing.

THANDE
(snaps his fingers)
Hey, remember the opening sequence
for Red Alert 2?

MICHAEL
What, we should invade Mexico?

THANDE
Shut up…
Just close the launch doors.

MATT does so.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, now the missiles will just hit the ceiling
and…detonate…here…
(Sudden realization; grabs communicator)
Psycho! Get us out of here, now!

INT. – AH.OM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has his feet up on the console and is reading ‘Alyson’s Fannigans Magazine’. As we watch, he unfolds a centrefold and his eyes widen, then he unfolds it some more and they widen again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(reverent murmur)
By the Sheep…

Suddenly DOCTOR WHAT’s voice comes from the speaker and PSYCHOMELTDOWN drops the magazine in surprise.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude. I don’t even know how to use this damn thing.
Tell G.Bone. Oh, wait. He’s with you right?
Lemme see. I think there’s a manual
around here somewhere…

DOCTOR WHAT
Quickly!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN hits some random buttons on the console, then shrugs and goes back to his magazine.

RXT. – THE EARTH FROM SPACE – DAY

We see the Ah.com ship orbiting this Earth. Below it, Cuba flashes blinding white for a second and then begins to sink into the sea.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – ICY PLAIN – DAY

WARD is sitting in his command chair, MERRYPRANKSTER and GRIMM REAPER are before him.

WARD
I find it a bit disappointing.

GRIMM REAPER
What? Merry’s betrayal?

WARD
No. I thought the explosion would be bigger.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Maybe next time.

WARD
(snorts)
Grimm, show him why we don’t disobey orders.

GRIMM REAPER gleefully jumps to his feet.

GRIMM REAPER
And why you don’t shoot your
commanding officer in the hand!

MERRYPRANKSTER stares wide eyed as GRIMM REAPER smiles.

EXT. – ICY PLAIN – DAY

The Ah.commers pop into view on a miserable, icy plain.

DAVE HOWERY
(waking up)
Hey, it’s Canada…

DOCTOR WHAT
Shut up!
Well, at least Psycho got us away…
But where are we?

THANDE
Well, according to this crude
compass I’ve built out of twigs and
baling twine, we’re somewhere in
the Ukraine…

On the horizon, a horde of post-apocalyptic barbarians appears, led by MIDGARDMETAL.

MIDGARDMETAL
Charge!
We shall eat their flesh tonight!
For the Peacock Angel!

LANDSHARK
Bugger! Cannibal Satanist Russians!

MICHAEL
Worse. Cannibal Satanist Russians
who couldn’t get a part in ‘The
Peshawar Lancers’.

OTHNIEL
(very fast)
Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethyname-

Suddenly, a group of cavalry appears and routs the Russians.

OTHNIEL
Saved!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, they’re Turkish…

OTHNIEL
Well, God moves in mysterious ways-

DAVE HOWERY
(still wincing and walking like John Wayne)
He’s not the only one…

The Turkish captain rides up. We see this is an ATL ABDUL HADI PASHA.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Greetings outlanders!
The New Ottoman Empire bids you
welcome and offers you sanctuary in
the harems of the Sultan!

OTHNIEL
(suspiciously)
Does this involve being made eunuchs?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(confused)
Not usually, but if you insist…

KIT
Huh, it’s all right for some…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
If you prefer, the Sultana – don’t laugh!
The Sultana has a harem of
Antonio Sabato Jr. clones…

We hear a strange, soft noise. Everyone turns toward KIT (who is off camera). We see their reactions.

IRONYUPPIE
Interesting…

DOCTOR WHAT
We have a situation, people…

THANDE
Do you want me to work up an antidote?

MATT
Don’t bother.

(hefts his B.F.G.)
Just yesterday I was saying that this thing
could use some sort of tripod…

FADE TO BLACK

OTHNIEL (OVER BLACK)
So did we save the day?

DOCTOR WHAT (OVER BLACK)
Who knows. But we’re gonna
get some and that’s all that matters.

ROLL END CREDITS