TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is strolling down the corridor, whistling. Every third step he skips.

Follow him through the corridor until he comes up to the MED BAY, the heavy doors are ajar.

TORQUMADA pauses, from within the MED BAY the sound of glass crashing can be heard along with a low growling sound. TORQUMADA pulls out a hypospray from his pocket and jumps into the MED BAY, yelling like a mad man.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

STRAHA stares up at TORQUMADA. Around him lies broken bottles and empty trays of medicines.

TORQUMADA’s eyes widen.

STRAHA
I- I can explain!

TORQUMADA
YOU!!!!!
You’re the one who’s been
trashing my Med Bay!

STRAHA
I…Uh…Uh
(looks about)
This isn’t my quarters!
(jumps to his feet)

TORQUMADA lunges forward and grabs STRAHA before he can get out of the door and to safety.

TORQUMADA
Now. Let’s see what you’ve been taking.

TORQUMADA shakes Straha and gapes as a mini avalanche of pharmaceuticals fall out of his pockets.

TORQUMADA (cont.)
Growth hormones?
Mutagenic Viruses?
Viagra?
(looks at Straha)
A little young for those, aren’t you?

STRAHA
It’s not for me!
It’s.. damn!
(knees TORQUMADA in the groin)

TORQUMADA drops to the floor, gasping and STRAHA grabs one of the dropped bottles and vanishes out the door, laughing.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW and DMA sit in the control room. It’s completely silent.

GBW
So…

DMA
Quiet day, no?

GBW
Yeah.

DMA
Wish something would happen.

Suddenly one of the doors to the Control Room clangs open and LANDSHARK and IRON YUPPIE enter.

LANDSHARK
Damn it, Woman.
For once I’d like to wear the
pants in this relationship!

IRON YUPPIE
But you look so cute in these
miniskirts I picked up for you.

GBW and DMA avert their gaze as they realize LANDSHARK is wearing a small black leather miniskirt and only a only a small black miniskirt.

DMA
(sickened)
My God. They don’t even
cover his buttocks.

GBW
Fork!
Fork!!!

LANDSHARK
I want pants!

LANDSHARK storms out of the Control Room.

IRON YUPPIE glances toward GBW and DMA who are flailing about on the floor, wailing.

IRON YUPPIE
(grins)
Ah, music to my ears.

INT. – CARGO BAY DELTA – DAY

A huge crane moves what appear to be giant barrels about. The barrels are marked with various lettering, “DANGEROUS”, “TOXIC”, “DON’T TOUCH”, etc. A large stack of the barrels sit in the middle of the Cargo Bay, a strange green cloud surrounding them.

Pan to the control center, a figure is standing behind a heavily shielded screen, manning the controls for the crane. It’s THANDE.

THANDE
No one ever needs to know.
No one…

The crane sets down the last barrel and THANDE’s hand slaps down upon a button. The Cargo Bay doors suddenly blast open and with a roaring sound the barrels are sucked into space.

THANDE
(takes a breath of relief)
There’s gotta be a better way to get rid of
the chemical wastes from my experiments.
(shrugs and wanders out of the room)

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The large barrels tumble in space.

Pull back and we see a planet below.

TIGHT on one of the barrels, a stamp upon it says “MADE IN MEXICO”. The barrels begin breaking apart. A thick green haze surrounds them and the barrels/haze begin falling toward the planet below.

INT. – HYDROPONICS BAY – DAY

STRAHA glances about and pulls a small vial from his pocket.

Pull Back and we see he stands before acres upon acres of marijuana plants in various stages of growth.

He walks over to a large container that’s marked “NUTRIENT MIXTURE” and dumps what’s in the vial into the container. A moment later he hefts the container to a large machine marked “SPRINKLER”. He pours the container into the machine and flips a switch, after a few moments, water begins sprinkling down upon the growing plants.

TEN MINUTES LATER…

Everything looks exactly the same.

STRAHA
This is boring.

He gets up and wanders out the door. Pan to where the discarded vial lies, upon it is marked “MUTAGENIC CONCOTION XXXIII – THE GOOD STUFF – TORQ”.

There is a sudden rustling sound.

Pan toward the fields of Mary Jane. Pull in toward one plant, it begins to quiver, it’s stalks begin expanding, and there’s a sudden shower of earth.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“IN THE LAND OF THE BLIND”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

OVER BLACK:

YELLING.

GUNSHOTS.

SCREAMING.

RAGGED BREATHING growing louder and louder and louder.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

TIGHT on G.BONE’s face. Eyes frantically moving about, you can almost see him dripping with fear, his face streaked with what looks to be dried blood and soot.

PAN to the bulkheads: The lightning in the corridor is bad, the lights flicker on and off, and signs of fierce fighting cover the bulkheads.

RAGGED BREATHING continues, growing louder.

PULL BACK and we see G.BONE half dragging LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK is a mess. His clothing in tatters, scorched, and he’s barely walking. One hand is clutched over his left eyes. Blood can be seen dripping down the side of his face. He is the one breathing raggedly.

G.BONE
Where are we?
(Looking about)
This doesn’t look like
the Weapon’s Bay!
(his voice goes shrill)
We’re lost!

GUNSHOTS can be heard in the background.

LANDSHARK
(groaning)
Bloody hell.
My damned eye…

G.BONE
(hits com unit on wall)
Leo!

Nothing.

Suddenly there is a screeching sound.

LONG SHOT down the corridor. Through the flickering light we see something, big, fast, and with tentacles flailing about. It rushes toward G.BONE and LANDSHARK, moving too fast to get a clear look at it.

G.BONE
(frantic)
It’s after us!

LANDSHARK
(yelling)
Run!

The two race down the corridor, turn down another corridor, and then duck into a room.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – CONTINUING

LANDSHARK stumbles over G.BONE who’s collapsed from exhaustion. He hits a button and the door clangs shut.

G.BONE
(gasping for breath)
Can’t go any further.

LANDSHARK
Get up, Nancy-boy.
Unless you want to be
that thing’s appetizer!

There is a banging upon the door, it bulges visibly.

LANDSHARK
Damn. We’re trapped in here.
(glares at G.Bone)
You’re the teleporter boy,
go and teleport us out of here!

G.BONE only groans and tries to get up.

Suddenly the door explodes inward, in a thunderous roar. Through the flickering lights of the corridor we can make out a huge dark figure, it moves forward slowly, into the room…

It’s GANJA MAXIMUS! A giant sentient plant! :rolleyes:

LANDSHARK
Damn. We’re buggered for sure.

GANJA MAXIMUS
(in a hissing kind of voice)
Puny humans.
There is no defeating me!

G.BONE
Oh, the horror!
(curls up in ball)

LANDSHARK
Yeah, wel…
(long pause)
Damn. We’re dead.

GANJA MAXIMUS moves forward into the Teleportation Room, hissing. Suddenly it rushes forward, knocking aside G.BONE and then snatching up LANDSHARK in it’s leafy tentacles. LANDSHARK struggles and gasps, but slowly the GANJA MAXIMUS is snuffing the life out of him.

There’s a sudden crack, followed by the noise of a match burning.

TIGHT on a burning match tip, it moves slowly and then lights up a cigarette.

Pull Back, by the light of the match we see DIAMOND.

DIAMOND
Why not pick on something other
than a puny Englishman in tights?

GANJA MAXIMUS
You will all die!

LANDSHARK
It’s a leotard, damn it!
I was going to the gym…
(gasps)

DIAMOND
Lookie what I got.

DIAMOND hefts a large clear bottle filled with a liquid in his hands, from it sticks a cloth.

G.BONE
A Molotov Cocktail?

DIAMOND
Bye-b-
Hrrrk!

The GANJA MAXIMUS suddenly shoots out a tentacle that connects with DIAMOND and sends him flying out the door and crashing into the bulkhead in the corridor.

GANJA MAXIMUS
Foolish humans!

G.BONE suddenly rises to his feet (dramatic music thundering in the background) and in slow motion, dives toward the door, doing a shoulder roll, and coming to his feet, something in his hands.

DIAMOND’s cigarette and the cocktail.

G.BONE X
I’m getting tired of sentient plants.
(takes a drag of the cig and coughs raggedly)
These things can kill.
(puts red tip to the cocktail’s cloth and grins as it lights up)
Hasta la Vista, Baby.
(throws flaming Fizzle)

WHOOOSH!!!!

The GANJA MAXIMUS explodes into flames, screaming in pain and staggering back into the Teleportation Tubes.

G.BONE dives again.

ANGLE: TELEPORTATION TUBE CONTROLS.

G.BONE’s hand slams down upon a button and there’s a loud crack as GANJA MAXIMUS vanishes.

Quiet descends upon the room. G.BONE lies down upon the deck, panting from exhaustion.

Suddenly there’s a thundering as the rest of the AH.Com crew pound into the Teleportation Room, all heavily armed.

WEAPON M
Where’s it at?
(hefts BFG)

MATT
What happened here?
(looking around)

DOCTOR WHAT
Is Diamond alright?
(nudges limp Diamond)

OTHNIEL
Where’s Landshark?

G.BONE raises his head and looks about, but sees no LANDSHARK.

G.BONE
Oh, damn.

Fade out:

EXT. – STREET – DAY

LANDSHARK shakily rises to his feet. His clothing is charred and he looks worse for wear. We see his left eye is still missing.

LANDSHARK
Aw, hell. Where am I?

Suddenly a man burst into the street, he’s brandishing a golf club and runs screaming at LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Well, my reputation seems
to have preceded me.
(grins.)

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The crew is gathered, a few looked beaten and battered.

DOCTOR WHAT paces before them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now. We’ve got a missing crewmember.

MATT
It’s just Landshark.
Who cares?

Everyone nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. We need the ship to be repaired
How long do you think that’ll be, Dave?

DAVE HOWERY sits in a wheelchair and both his legs are in casts.

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know. I haven’t much in the
way of personnel fix all the damages
that GANJA MAXIMUS caused, since one of
my crew is in the Med Bay slacking off
and the other is incompetent beyond all reason.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks up from where’s he’s eating a popsicle and looking at a Playboy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(affronted)
I’m not slacking off in the Med Bay!

The popsicle falls out of his hand and into the Playboy, with a wet splat, they both fall to the deck. DOCTOR WHAT stares horrified.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was the issue from the universe where
Paris Hilton showed all to the world!

WEAPON M
That’s pretty much every universe.

DAVE HOWERY nods.

DAVE HOWERY
I even got it on tape.

DOCTOR WHAT glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN who’s trying to clean up the mess, but he’s only making it worse.

DOCTOR WHAT
(taking a deep breath)
We need to get the ship repaired.
Use who ever you need,
what ever you need.

The crew begins to leave.

OTHNIEL
What about Landshark?

DOCTOR WHAT
Who?
(a beat)
Oh, right. Landshark.
We’ll look for him once
the ship gets repaired.

Everyone heads out of the Battle Room.

Pan to PSYCHOMELTDOWN who’s still trying to clean up the mess. Now they’re bits of the magazine stuck to his clothing and face, and a large sticky wet spot where the popsicle melted. He’s frantically dabbing at it with the magazine, but it’s only causing the magazine to shred apart and the spot to grow.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(voice cracking)
Someone help…
Someone?

Fade to black:

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (over black)
Please… help…

EXT. – UNKNOWN STREET – DAY

LANDSHARK steps out of the way of the man’s wild swing. He scampers back a few steps and watches as the man swings wildly at thin air.

MAN
I’ll get you bloody bastards!
I’m not going out without a fight!
You hear me!!
(wildly swing club)

LANDSHARK
Oy! What’s your problem?

The MAN turns at the sound of LANDSHARK’s voice.

TIGHT: on the MAN’s eyes. What looks to be scar tissue covers his eyes. He’s blind.

MAN
Who are you?

LANDSHARK
What happened to your eyes?

MAN
Are you a damned idiot or wh-
(pause)
Wait? You can see my eyes?

LANDSHARK
I can see the lack of them.
And I’ll say it’s doing nothing
for your overall attractiveness.

MAN
But…
But everyone’s blind!

LANDSHARK
Well you must be to wear that outfit.
Honestly, who wears yellow trainers
with an orange jumper?

MAN
You can see!

LANDSHARK
I think we just covered that ground.

The MAN drops to his knees in front of LANDSHARK.

MAN
It’s a miracle!
Someone can see with both eyes!

LANDSHARK touches his missing eye.

LANDSHARK
Hooray.

MAN
Please… Take me to a pub.
I haven’t had a drink all morning.
(begins weeping)
I’m Leej, by the way.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HYDROPONICS BAY – DAY

STRAHA walks along the corridor whistling. He looks about and pulls out a key and slides it into the lock of the heavy doors of the Hydroponics Bay.

It slides open and he enters.

STRAHA
And they say I don’t have a green thumb.
(grins)

Pull back from the door, and we see towering Mary Jane plants filling the room.

STRAHA wipes away a tear and pulls out a lighter.

Fade out:

INT. – THE RANDY GOAT PUB – EVENING

LANDSHARK
What’s happened here?

LEEJ
Huh? We’re all blind, that’s
what’s bloody happened.

LANDSHARK
How?

LEEJ
I’ll be arsed if I know.
One night there was a
green glow in the sky.
Next morning we’re all
fumbling about for our cocks.

LANDSHARK
(musing)
Thande was saying something
about “cleaning out’ his chemical
dump the other day…
Where are we any way?

LEEJ
(affronted)
You don’t recognize Merry Ole London?

LANDSHARK
It seems a bit rustic.

LEEJ
That’s cuz we’re in the Whorin’ Quarter.
Everything’s rustic in the Whorin’ Quarter!

LANDSHARK
(surprised)
A quarter of the city’s
dedicated to whorin’?

LEEJ
Of course it is!
This is England, man.
Though “His Bloody Highness” ordered
it walled off. Now, there’s only one way
in and one way out. Bad for business,
when everyone can see who’s coming in.

LANDSHARK
What kind of shops are
there in the Whorin’ Quarter?

LEEJ
Whore shops?

LANDSHARK grins.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – EVENING

DOCTOR WHAT
You seem uncharacteristically
unworried about Landshark
being MIA.

IRONYUPPIE
(shrugs)
The ship needs to be repaired.

DOCTOR WHAT stops in his tracks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, what’s going on?

IRONYUPPIE
Nothing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, right…

IRONYUPPIE
(smiles)
There’s nowhere he can run from me.

DOCTOR WHAT
(a little bit scared by that statement)
Okay….

IRONYUPPIE
No. really. I put a chip in him so that anywhere
he goes I’ll know. I also hooked it up to the
teleporters so that I can teleport him to my
position anytime I wish.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rolling eyes)
It’s nice that you’re both
in a loving relationship.

IRONYUPPIE
Can it, Canuk Boy or I’ll make it
so that your useless to a woman.

DOCTOR WHAT
(laughing mockingly)
Ha! If you can find it!
(points to his crotch)

IRONYUPPIE
No. I mean I’ll cut your tongue out…

DOCTOR WHAT
(long beat)
You wouldn’t.
(another long beat)
Shit.
(runs off)

IRONYUPPIE stands in the hall for a moment and sniffs.

IRONYUPPIE
Is that pot?
(shrugs and walks off)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HYDROPONICS BAY – EVENING

STRAHA is sitting upon a stool smoking on a joint the size of his arm.

STRAHA
By the Holy Sheep.
This is good shit.

Smoke is blown into the camera, as we fade out, we can hear a faint growling sound.

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – STREET – EVENING

LANDSHARK is now dressed in come questionable clothing, obviously enjoying the fact that no one can see him. Around him is gathered a large crowd of men and women.

There is a fierce argument going on.

WOMAN
You lie!
We’re all blind!

LEEJ
No! Hear me!
This man can see!

MAN
Liar!

LEEJ
He can!

WOMAN
Well. What color are my clothes?

LANDHSHARK
(eyeing woman, appreciatively)
Er.. You’re naked.

WOMAN
(long beat)
Oh, my God!
I’m naked?
(runs off screaming)

MAN
(pushing forward from crowd)
What color is the sky?

LANDSHARK
Uh… blue?

The crowd gasps in surprise and shock.

MAN
He can see!

The crowd surrounds him.

MAN
Lead us, O’ Sighted One!
And we shall be your loyal servants!

LANDSHARK grins.

Fade Out:

EXT. – THE WHORIN’ QUARTER – NIGHT

A big party is going on. There’s dancing in the street, there’s music in the air, but there’s not one single light on.

A lone flashlight flares and we pull in on it.

The light reveals scores of people dancing in the street.

LANDSHARK walks shining the flashlight before him. His platform shoes clicking upon the cobbled street and his crimson cape billowing behind him.

LANDSHARK
Ahh.. It’s good to be the king…
(grins)

EXT. – LONDON, ENGLAND – NEAR A PARK – NIGHT

Two MEN are stumbling about.

MAN ONE
Seriously, mate. There’s a guy who
can see in the Whorin’ Quarter.

MAN TWO
Lucky bastard.

There’s a rustling sound. Something dark crosses the screen.

MAN TWO (cont.)
Wish I had some young filly to ogle.

MAN ONE
Aye. Hearin’ porn’s not good as watching it.

MAN TWO
Aye.

Suddenly something bursts out of the bushes, a big something.

MAN ONE
ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Pull back and see scores of shapes converging upon the two men.

Fade out:

END ACT I

ACT II

MONTAGE:

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – DAY

LANDSHARK leads a group of men and women into a pub.

LANDSHARK leads group of women into a clothing store.

LANDSHARK and a group of women exit a clothing store, carrying bags of clothing and giggling.

LANDSHARK exits a shoe store, carrying boxes of shoes.

LANDSHARK is carried down the street in a litter by a group of well oiled young men, being guided by a couple of seeing eye dogs. .

LANDSHARK dances in the rain, twirling an umbrella, and grinning.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DMA is walking down the corridor. He looks pissed.

DMA
Damn it. He’s reeking up the ship!

We pan to the corridor and see a slight haze of smoke in the air.

DMA stops before the Hydroponics Bay door. He bangs upon it.

DMA
Straha!
You’ve blown out the venting
system for the whole ship!
Stop your smoking!

STRAHA (over com)
Uh…
Uh…
Uh…
Uh…

The door slides open and a cloud of billowing smoke avalanches out. DMA begins coughing.

DMA
If Dave and the rest of the crew weren’t
so busy repairing the ship, they’d be down
here stomping your arse!

STRAHA only grins foolishly. His eyes are blood shot and drool drips down his chin.

STRAHA
Uh…
Uh…
Uh…
Uh…

DMA suddenly looks over STRAHA’s shoulder. His eyes widen.

DMA
(horrified voice)
What the fu-

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – DAY

LANDSHARK is walking down a cobbled street, whistling.

Suddenly there’s a cry.

MAN
(shouting)
Oy! Eyed One!
Is that you!?

LANDSHARK
(coming to a stop)
Oy! How could you tell?

MAN
I hear only the Eyed One
smells like he bathes daily!
Strange habit you have, Eyed One!

LANDSHARK
What do you want?

MAN
My name is Justin Pickard and
I come with grave news!

LANDSHARK
Why are you yelling.
You’re standing not ten feet from me.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Oh.
(talking normally now)
I’m sorry, Eyed One.

LANDSHARK
Now, what’s this grave news.
(worried)
They didn’t run out of
silk stockings did they?

JUSTIN PICKARD
No. There’s been attacks
and disappearances.
A lot lately, in fact.

LANDSHARK
And what’s that have to do with me?

JUSTIN PICKARD
(pause)
Uh… You’re our king now?

LANDSHARK
Yeah, but I’m not risking
my life for you bloody lot.
Especially if something’s
snatching up people.

JUSTIN PICKARD
But sir!
We need your help!

LANDSHARK
(long pause)
Fine.
Tell me what you know so far.

JUSTIN PICKARD
I’ll do better than that, sir!
I’ll show you.

EXT. – OUTSIDE WHORIN’ QUARTER – NEAR PARK – DAY

LANDSHARK comes to a screeching halt, grabbing JUSTIN PICKARD.

LANDSHARK
You’ve been here before, right?

JUSTIN PICKARD
Just this morning.
What I want to show
you is over here…

LANDSHARK
I think we should
turn back and run.
Now.

Pull back and we see the Park is packed with thousands of man sized Plant Creatures. They stand upon three thick stalks, a long thick central stalks, with small waving tentacles, and a large pod which opens and closes, revealing sharp looking teeth.

What appears to be the bones of people lie scattered beneath then, tatter clothing and sun bleached bones.

JUSTIN PICKARD
What’s going on?
There seems to be a
strange hissing sound.

LANDSHARK grabs JUSTIN PICKARD’s arm and half drags him away.

Almost as one, the plant creatures all seem to turn, watching as they flee.

From among the creatures rises a larger one, shaped differently, more dangerous looking. It’s GANJA MAXIMUS.

GANJA MAXIMUS
Humans…
Kill….

As one the large group of Plant Creatures begin moving upon their tripod legs, heading toward the Whorin’ Quarter.

Pull back, Fade to black:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR OUTSIE HYDROPONICS BAY – DAY

The Crew stomps down the corridor, MATT, WEAPON M, DIAMOND, THANDE, DMA, and DOCTOR WHAT all heavily armed.

DOCTOR WHAT stops before the Door, using the butt of his plasma rifles to knock upon it.

STRAHA opens it up slowly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Back off, Straha.
We’re here to deal
with you little garden.

STRAHA just stands there grinning foolishly.

DIAMOND
He’s still too stoned.

The crew pushes past him and into room. They come to a complete stop.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, dear god…

DMA
See. Hordes of living plants.
Was I not right?

What was once vast fields of Marijuana are gone, almost stripped clean. In it’s place are a few stunted looking plants, weakly moving.

DMA
There as a lot more
when I first came here.
(looks at Straha and shakes head)

STUNTED PLANT
Save us!
Save us!
He’s killed us all!
(begins sobbing)

WEAPON M
Is anyone disturbed by this.

THANDE
I’m deeply disturbed.

STUNTED PLANT
Help… us…

THANDE pulls something out of his pocket, it’s a vial of yellowish liquid.

THANDE
I’ve developed this after the
latest attack by Plant Creatures.
It’s a chemical that strikes at the heart of
the sentient plants, killing them instantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
I knew there was a reason
we kept you around.

THANDE
It wasn’t for my good looks?

MATT
That’s what I’m here for.

STRAHA
You guys wanna toke?
(pulls out shears)
I’ve got some good stuff.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do it, Thande!

THANDE throws the vial at the remaining plants. It shatters and a yellow smoke envelopes them. Suddenly they become three times as big, snarling.

WEAPON M
Oh, shit.
(runs)

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – STREET – DAY

LANDSHARK hefts what appears to be a flame thrower.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Are you sure?

LEEJ
I mean, they’re just plants, right?

LANDSHARK
Bloody, big plants that
move and eat people.

LEEJ
(a beat)
It’s not to late to
run like cowards, is it?

LANDSHARK
(a beat)
I-

Suddenly a cry is heard.

LOOKOUT GUY
Sir! I hear them coming!

LANDSHARK
Looks like we’re in a fight, boys.
Luckily for us the Whorin’ Quarter
was walled off, no?

He swings flamethrower upon his back and trudges toward the battlements.

MOMENTS LATER

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

LANDSHARK
Oh, bollucks.

JUSTIN PICKARD
What, sir?
Is there a lot?

Camera pans across the area outside of the Whorin’ Quarter walls. A vast army of green is making their way down the cobbled streets.

LANDSHARK
There’s no escape routes are they?

LEEJ
No.

LANDSHARK
Damn.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

The heavy doors of the Mess Hall bulge, a snarling sound can be heard.

MICHAEL is standing there, looking scared and holding a com unit.

MICHAEL (into com)
Why did I have to be the bait?

DOCTOR WHAT (on com)
Psycho’s
(sarcastically)
“helping” to repair the ship.

MICHAEL (into com)
More like messing it up.

DOCTOR WHAT (on com)
That was implied by the sarcasm.

MICHAEL (into com)
Why not use Othniel?

DOCTOR WHAT (on com)
He’s praying for you.

With a screech of metal, the Mess Hall doors tear open.

MICHAEL (into com)
HURRY!

THANDE (on com)
I’m done! I’ll have
G.Bone teleport it to you!

MICHAEL (into com)
Right!

The Plant Creatures advance upon MICHAEL.

MICHAEL (into com)
About now would be good…

Suddenly there’s a pop and MICHAEL begins screaming. Pan to his hand and we see an orange vial embedded in his palm.

G.BONE (on com)
Oops! Targeting scanners were off.
(snickers)

A Plant Creature grabs MICHAEL and lifts him off the ground.

PLANT CREATURE
Now, to consume your tasty flesh!

MICHAEL
I’m Aussie, We’re stringy!
You want the plump Americans!

MICHAEL smashes his fist into the PLANT CREATURE, the glass vial shatters and a cloud of orange suddenly forms. Suddenly the creatures begin gasping and wailing.

Moments later they crumple to the deck, dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
You alive Michael?

MICHAEL
I think I just wet myself.

Cut to:

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

Flame engulfs the camera. A score of flaming Plant Creatures tumble off the battlements. LANDSHARK steps across their flaming remains, flamerthrower still spouting fiery death.

LANDSHARK
This si why they never
let me play with matches.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(running up to Landshark)
Sir! We’ve got a situation
brewing on the south wall.

LANDSHARK
What’s happening?

JUSTIN PICKARD
A couple of the defenders threw
their torches into the surrounding
building. Now the whole place
is set to burn to the ground.

LANDSHARK
Why in god’s name did they do that?

JUSTIN PICKARD
They’re blind.
They can’t see the enemy!

LEEJ
(arriving)
Sir. We’re getting out asses kicked at the Gates.

LANDSHARK
You two. Get down there and
make sure they don’t scurry off.

LEEJ/JUSTIN PICKARD
Yes, sir!
(they leave)

LANDSHARK checks the guage on his flamethrower and casts a look over the battlements.

Suddenly there’s a loud crack. He looks down into the Whorin’ Quarter and sees the heavy gates come crashing down. The defenders flee and the Plants Creatures begin swarming after them.

LANDSHARK
Oh, bugger this.

He hurries toward the stairs.

BAM!

Suddenly something hits him.

LANDSHARK looks around to see something huge standing before him. It’s GANJA MAXIMUS.

GANJA MAXIMUS
I know you.
I hate you.
Die!

LANDSHARK
Why do people always
say that to me?

LANDSHARK snaps up the nozzle of his flamethrower, but it’s smacked away. Flames wash against a wall. GANJA MAXIMUS pushes in, tentacles waving, and slashing at LANDSHARK and yanking the flamethrower out of his hands.

LANDSHARK drops the flamethrower. Stumbling back.

He pulls out a pair of pruning shears.

LANDSHARK
Get back. I know how to use these!

GANJA MAXIMUS advances and laughs. LANDSHARK launches himself forward and with the shears clips off a tentacle.

GANJA MAXIMUS
(shocked)
You bastard!

A tentacle snaps out and throws LANDSHARK against the wall.

GANJA MAXIMUS’s shadow descends upon LANDSHARK, his eys opened wide and looking scared.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOT WHAT enters the Control Room. GBW looks up.

GBW
I think you should look at this.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s this?

GBW
I was running some scans to see
if we had any other unexpected
guests on board and using the
signature left by the Plant Creatures
in the Hydroponics Bay, I decided
to run a scan on the planet.
Guess what I found?

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn?

GBW
More than you can imagine.
But also this.

GBW hits a button and a window pops open on the main viewscreen, showing GANJA MAXIMUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
That thing’s on the planet now?

GBW
Yep. Then IronYuppie gave me
her tracker and I also found this.

GBW hits a button and another window pops open on the main viewscreen, showing LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
That thing’s on the planet too?

GBW
Then I scanned them both
together and this is what I found.

GBW hits another button and the two windows are cleared and is replaced with a overhead image of the battle around the Whorin’ Quarter. He zooms in and we see LANDSHARK wielding a flamethrower.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fire and Landshark are two
things that should not be mixed.
(sighs)
Can we teleport him out?

GBW
Nope. There’s some kind of
interference in the atmosphere.
Plus G.Bone’s napping.

WEAPON M
I can fire the particle cannons and
knock those bastards to hell and gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(startled)
Damn! I didn’t know you were here!

WEAPON M
(shrugs)
Just checking my email…

Suddenly the com comes on.

THANDE (on com)
I’ve modified one of the shuttles
to release the gas I created. Dave’s
putting the final touches on it now.

DOCTOR WHAT (into com)
How did you know we’d
have to rescue Landshark?

THANDE (on com)
Landshark’s in trouble?

DOCTOR WHAT (into com)
Get MATT and DMA
and head down to the planet.

MATT (on com)
We’re already here.

DOCTOR WHAT (into com)
Man, Everyone’s moving fast today.

DMA (on com)
We were going to get booze.

MATT (on com)
Since G.Bone’s napping.

DMA (on com)
We decided to use the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHA (into com)
Oh.
Just go well armed.

MATT (on com)
We are.

Com cuts out.

GBW
I also found this.

GBW hits a button and the viewscreen is replaces with a greenish dissipating haze. He zooms in and we can see what remains of the barrels THANDE had released.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn, Thande. I told him to only
release those on uninhabited planets.
Has it caused any damage.

GBW hits a button and the viewscreen is replaced with a picture of a blind man.

GBW
Caused blindness in nearly
99 percent of the population.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great. Just freakin’ great.
This day just keeps getting
better and better.

GBW
I also found this.

GBW hits a button and porn music suddenly begins blaring in the Control Room.

WEAPON M
Now, we’re talking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good job, GBW.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

A dirty shuttle pod sits on deck, someone’s chipped away at the grime covering it, making the words “WASH ME” in the grime. DAVE HOWERY finishes duct taping what appears to be a large canister to the hull of the shuttle.

DMA, MATT, and THADE trudge into the shuttle. DMA and MABARRY carrying heavy weapons.

DAVE HOWERY
(admiring handiwork)
Best work I’ve done in years.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The shuttle launches from the AH.com Ship, plummeting down the planet.

INT. – A.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Weapon M)
Find GANJA MAXIMUS and use the
particle cannons to target it.
We’ll be finished with this
once and for all.

WEAPON M
(distractedly)
After this is over.
(Intently watching screen)

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

GANJA MAXIMUS and LANDSHRK are on the battlements. Around then the desperate battle still rages on. GANJA MAXIMUS stands before LANDSHARK and if it could grin, it would be.

LANDSHARK
Is there any chance that we can,
talk this out? No need to go for
the painful violence route.

GANJA MAXIMUS
No.
(pause)
The chance for talking
things over is.. over!
You had you chance!
But your true side has
shown through!
Now you die!

LANDSHARK
Wait!
When did we have our chance?

FLASHBACK

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HYDROPONICS BAY – DAY

GANJA MAXIMUS
But… you’re my father..

STRAHA
Dude. I love weed.
But I don’t looove it.
(beat)
Okay. Once, sure. But I was
stoned and it doesn’t count.

GANJA MAXIMUS
But you can’t…

STRAHA lifts up a pair of scissors and advances upon GANJA MAXIMUS.

STRAHA
Gots to be done.

GANJA MAXIMUS backs up against the wall.

GANJA MAXIMUS
Then there’s only a single recourse
for this. All of Humanity must die!

STRAHA
(beat)
Didn’t take you long to come
to that conclusion, did it.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

LANDSHARK
(shaking head)
That little pot head…

GANJA MAXIMUS
Now. You all must die!

LANDSHARK
But I’ve done you no wrong…

GANJA MAXIMUS
You’re human. That’s reason enough.

LANDSHARK
(grins)
For a moment there I thought you were
going to say “You’re Landshark and
that’s reason enough”. That’s not the
first time that’s been used and most of
the time they’re correct.

GANJA MAXIMUS
(pause)
You. Die. Now!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The view of LANDSHARK and GANJA MAXIMUS is on the viewscreen. All are watching it intently.

WEAPON M
Locked and ready.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait. The creature’s too close to Landshark.
We might hit him, if we fire.

WEAPON M’s finger stabs down upon the firing button.

WEAPON M
Whoops.
Finger must have slipped.

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A lance of fire tears out of the ship.

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

Ariel view. Battlements, suddenly a lance of fire strikes it. All is lost in a blossoming explosion.

A deafening roar thunders across the area.

LEEJ
Oh, god!
I’m deaf now!

JUSTIN PICKARD
What???
I can’t hear!

PAN to the air and we see the AH.com Shuttle “Wash Me” roaring over the city, a thick cloud of orange billowing out behind them.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE “WASH ME” – DAY

THANDE
Look it’s working.

Outside the shuttle canopy the plant creatures are dying, withering up and falling apart.

MATT
Aw. I wanted to shoot some of the plants.

DMA
Looks like you’re gonna get your chance.

DMA points out a porthole and camera pans to it. From the porthole we see a shattered piece of the walls, from the rising dust we see GANJA MAXIMUS getting up. Not far from it we see LANDSHARK rising to his feet.

EXT. – WHORIN’ QUARTER – BATTLEMENTS – DAY

LANDSHARK gets to his feet, wobbly. GANJA MAXIMUS falls over, an orange dust covering it’s stalks and the green of it’s leaves turning yellow.

GANJA MAXIMUS
Humans… must…die…

LANDSHARK picks up a length of pipe and stands over the limp form of GANJA MAXIMUS.

LANDSHARK
It looks like you’re at a disadvantage.

A tentacle suddenly snaps out, pulling LANDSHARK’s legs out from under him. He falls and GANJA MAXIMUS is suddenly atop of him, tentacles wrapped around LANDSHARK’s neck.

GANJA MAXIMUS
Die!
Die!

LANDSHARK
Hrk!

BANG!

A shot rings out and GANJA MAXIMUS suddenly goes limp.

Pull out and we see MATT and DMA silhouetted by the midday sun. The barrels of their plasma rifles smoking.

THANDE suddenly pushes them aside and runs up to where LANDSHARK and GANJA MAXIMUS are still entwined. He gives GANJA MAXIMUS a swift kick.

THANDE
I saved your life, Sharky!

LANDSHARK
(gasping)
Get this bloody thing off of me!

THANDE helps LANDSHARK move the body of GANJA MAXIMUS off of him, while DMA and MATT scan the area.

MATT
Looks like the chemical worked.

Pan across the battered city and signs that the plants are dying. Some of the people are coming out, still armed and poking the fast decaying remains of the plants.

THANDE
Like I said it would!

DMA
I guess it’s a first time for everything.

MATT
(to limping Landshark)
Come on! Let’s get going.
This whole place smells like
someone took a crap in the street.

DMA
(snapping up plasma rifle)
This is bloody England.
The whole place smells like that.

They both laugh as the head back to the shuttle, THANDE half dragging a battered LANDSHARK behind them.

THANDE
So. A one eyed man in
the land of the blind?

LANDSHARK
(growling)
Less yapping and
more pulling, Alice.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

There’s screaming, painful blood curdling screaming.

DIAMOND and TORQUMADA stand over a screaming LANDSHARK.

TORQUMADA
Hold him still!

DIAMOND
For a pasty Englishman,
He’s wiry!

PAN to LANDSHARK’s face and we see bulge forming where his left eye once was. Suddenly the bulge explodes in a gooey eruption. Once the mess clears we see that LANDSHARK has a second eye. He blinks it slowly.

LANDSHARK
Hey, depth perception.

DIAMOND
There’s gotta be a better
way to regrow an eye.

TORQUMADA
Oh, there is.
This is the most painful
way I could think up.

DIAMOND
(grins)
I knew there was a reason I liked you.

TORQUMADA
I try my best.

LANDSHARK
What about my loyal subjects?

TORQUMADA
We released a virus that would
prompt the body to begin re-
generating any missing parts.
They should be having eyes
by the end of the week.

Suddenly the Med Bay doors open up and IRONYUPPIE strides in.

IRONYUPPIE
I’ve been thinking.
You said you wanted pants.
So I’m willing to let you wear pants.

From her pocket she pulls out something small and folded.

DIAMOND
I think that’s more of a loin cloth.

TORQUMADA
Surely something that small cannot
possibly be worn by a grown adult.

IRONYUPPIE grins and pulls off the covers from LANDSHARK’s bed.

IRONYUPPIE
Only one way to find out…

DIAMOND/TORUQMADA
MY EYES!

They both flee.

LANDSHARK
I knew there was a reason I came back.

He grins

Pull out.

zINT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR – OUTSIDE MED DAY – DAY

Screaming starts coming from the Med Bay.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

LEO
Of all the people on the ship.
Straha was the last person I
would have thought who would
create a sentient life form.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, same here. He’s making us
mad scientist types look bad.
I mean, if Straha could do it…

LEO
We’ve also set a bad example when it
comes to dealing with these life forms.

DOCTOR WHAT
How’s that?

LEO
We exterminated them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, technically Straha smoked them all.
And they did try killing us, the first time.

LEO
After Straha was going to kill them all.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yean, but they’re just plants.

LEO
Yes, but sentient plants.

Silence from DOCTOR WHAT

DOCTOR WHAT
After the incident with the ear of corn and
the gallon of canola oil, let’s just say I’m
not too keen about anything green and using
photosynthesis.

LEO
I always wondered how you managed to get it so-

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s drop that subject, shall we?
It happened a long time ago-

LEO
Last week.

DOCTOR WHAT
Point is. Humans good.
Sentient Plants Bad.

LEO
(sarcastically)
And we all know how good humans are…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yep.
(beat)
Wait. That was sarcasm, right?

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HYDROPONICS BAY – NIGHT

From the charred remains of STRAHA’s plantings, in a tub of earth, we see a small bit of green unfolding.

Pull in and wee hear a hissing sound. The plant moves.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS