TEASER

EXT.– SPACE – DAY

The Ah.com ship – rusty grey, long and bulky, with a curved bow and several obvious weapons turrets – lazily orbits an apparently ordinary-looking Earth below.

CUT TO

INT. – BRIDGE – DAY

There are signs of construction and what look like new additions to the huge, circular room, most notably the SHEEP THREAD, a VW camper van sized sheep statue with a DNA-like spiral coming out of the top, and at the back is the smaller CORRUPT A WISH THREAD, which consists of a wishing well with a similar spiral emanating from it. The operator of the CORRUPT A WISH THREAD is the WISH GENIE, a Buddha looking hologram who grins evilly and causes everyone to shift nervously as they walk by.

To one side, we see a tired-looking PSYCHOMELTDOWN (Native American, holding a wrench) and G.BONE (Hawaiian, holding a screwdriver) pat their hands together in satisfaction.

Staring at a huge map are DOCTOR WHAT (swarthy, dark hair and goatee, Canadian accent) and IRONYUPPIE (tall, blonde woman with a perpetually angry expression).

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re certain?

LEO CAESIUS
(computer voice from above)
As certain as I am of the
third upper declension in
Neo-Syrio-Armeniac.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. Call them in!

IRONYUPPIE
(Into intercom)
Get your pasty little asses up here before I’m tempted to test
my Implements of Destruction!

Doors whoosh open and several Ah.com crew members appear at a dead run: KIT (short and fair-haired), ABDUL HADI PASHA (swarthy), MICHAEL (mocking expression), DIAMOND (blond, glasses), THANDE (dark-haired, white lab coat), HENDRYK (bald, red robes), DAVE HOWERY (huge bushy beard, overalls), GREY WOLF (bald, faraway eyes) and OTHNIEL (short, dark-haired, halo over head).

DIAMOND
(panting heavily)
What’s up?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve arrived at the new timeline.

MICHAEL
So what’s it like?
As though I care…

DAVE HOWERY
What’s the status of Canada?

LEO CAESIUS
Nonexistent.

DAVE HOWERY
(punches the air)
Yay!

LEO CAESIUS
As is that of the United States.

DAVE HOWERY
(pauses mid-victory dance)
Boo!

THANDE
Britain?

LEO CAESIUS
Nope.

MICHAEL
Australia?

LEO CAESIUS
Gone.

GREY WOLF
Um, how about unicorns?

LEO CAESIUS
No.

GREY WOLF
(angrily)
Fuck it!

DIAMOND
So why are we at this
Ian-forsaken timeline, anyway?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, there is a New Ottoman Empire…

There’s a sudden crash and ceiling tiles begin to rain down around them. Cut to KIT and OTHNIEL, who look between each other to see ABDUL HADI PASHA’s shoes and nothing else. Slowly their gaze is drawn upwards and they see that his body from the neck down is protruding from the cracked ceiling. At first it seems his body is convulsing, but eventually it is obvious that he is doing a victory dance.

OTHNIEL
(frightened)
Is he dying?

KIT
If that’s how he dances,
I really hope so.

OTHNIEL nods, watching ABDUL’s convulsing body. He looks away, shuddering. Cut to DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(firmly)
But that’s not the reason.
Brief them, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
The Point Of Divergence is that the Cuban Missile Crisis went hot.
The First World was destroyed, as was China.

HENDRYK
(Dropping to knees.)
Nooon…je suis malade…
Il pleut dans mon coeur…
(he bursts into tears, streaking the
intricate calligraphy on his robes)

LEO CAESIUS
(ignoring HENDRYK)
Now it’s a century later and the
big powers are India, Brazil and South Africa.

MICHAEL
Hold up. It’s 2062?

IRONYUPPIE
That’s right.

MICHAEL
(holds out his wrist)
Then why is my watch going backwards?

KIT
Because you bought it
in the Dies the Fire timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway! The reason why we’ve come here
is that the computers have detected strange
readings in the region of Utah.

DIAMOND
So what’s new?

OTHNIEL
Cut it out! If it’s Utah,
I should lead the landing party.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I’m doing that,
but come along as a guide.

THANDE
What level of tech do they have now?

LEO CAESIUS
The nuclear meltdown cost them some years,
but they’re back up to OTL 2000 levels.

IRONYUPPIE
But I fixed it so their satellites can’t see us.

DIAMOND
How?

IRONYUPPIE
I put pictures of you guys
all over the external hull.
Their scanners just slide off them.

Pause as each male AH.commer looks at the others, starts to get outraged, then shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. But remember, Utah in this timeline
is still half desolate. It’s populated by
superstitious primitive tribes with little
technology, bad hygine, little education…

DIAMOND
Again, what’s new-

OTHNIEL
Don’t even think about it!

LEO CAESIUS
The only major powers in the region are
Mexico and Brazil. We’ll need to avoid their forces.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. Archbishop Hendryk, you’re in
charge in my absence-

HENDRYK gets marginally less teary eyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
And under no circumstances interfere
with the work of Thande and Torqumada –
they’re working on an important project
for me. Now-

A door swooshes open and LANDSHARK (dark-haired, pale, leather coat) saunters in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky, what took you so long?
The briefing’s nearly over!

LANDSHARK
Well, I was kinda hoping IronYuppie
would get out her Implements of Destruction…

FADE TO BLACK

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“AFTER CUBA”

Written by : THANDE

ACT 1

INT. – SHUTTLEPOD “JENNA JAMESON” – DAY

Fade from black.

The shuttle is being piloted by PSYCHOMELTDOWN and STRAHA (fat, Mediterranean skin tone). In the back are DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, DIAMOND and KIT.

STRAHA
Watch it, man.
Fighters at ten past three.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(patiently)
What colour?

STRAHA
(wandering eyes)
Mauve with…kinda orange dots on it and
a miniature dragon stuck to the top with gaffer tape…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding, smiling)
I’m sure they’ll leave us alone.
(to himself in a sigh)
Knew I shouldn’t have taken Michael up on that bet
to pour tequila all over the pot plants…

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet in the ranks.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s our ETA?

DIAMOND
Same as everyone else’s ETA,
a Basque terrorist group.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hardy har har!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Approaching landing zone now, Doc.

EXT.– WASTELANDS OF UTAH – DAY

Two PRIMITIVE TRIBESMEN, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER, standing on a low rise. They are both wearing a mixture of ragged pre-War clothing and that improvised from animal skins. They also have lots of corporate logos pinned to them as talismans. The tribesmen are watching the Jenna Jameson as it comes in to land.

DRACONISNOIR
Hmm. Another great bird of
the highest sky cometh.

REDROVER
You don’t have to speak that
way when the tourists aren’t here.

DRACONISNOIR
Okay. But what are we
going to do about this shuttle?

REDROVER
Inform the Elder…
And…the others…

FADE down with dramatic music.

Over black:

REDROVER
Seriously, do you want a slice of this melon?
It’s really tasty. And good for you.

DRACONISNOIR
(in long-suffering voice)
None of which changes the fact that you stuck your dick in it!

EXT.– WASTELANDS OF UTAH – SHUTTLE POD “JENNA JAMESON” – DAY

Fade up from dramatic music. We see all the Ah.comers except STRAHA leave the shuttle.

LANDSHARK
You sure it’s safe to leave
Straha with the shuttle?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, given that the alternative
is him coming out and trying
to score drugs off the populace…

DIAMOND
Yeah, remember that world where
we visited when it was ’64?

KIT
Who’d have thought we could
actually prevent the cultural changes of the Sixties by
cutting off the supply at the source?

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, here come some Primitive Tribesmen.
(in loud, slow David Attenborough voice)
Hel-lo! We – come – in – peace!
Take – me – to – your – leader!

DRACONISNOIR
Very – well – stranger!

REDROVER
Why – must – we – talk – like – this?

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…
(in a hiss)
Say something!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This reminds me of what
Aristocranes of Joppa said
when the Holy Roman
Empire defeated Philip of
Macedon’s army at Gettysburg…

DIAMOND
(suspiciously)
I don’t think you should have
bought those textbooks from
FedX’s history teacher.

DRACONISNOIR
Come. You must speak
to the Elder.

DOCTOR WHAT
Speak to the Elder, yes,
good idea.

REDROVER
(to Draconis, as they walk away)
He sounds like he comes
from the northern wastes of Eh-land.

DRACONISNOIR
Don’t be silly, we’ve been talking to him for five whole
minutes and he hasn’t drunk one bottle of maple syrup.

FADE to black.

EXT.– WASTELANDS OF UTAH – COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – DAY

Pan up again to reveal DOMINUSNOVUS (blond, good-looking). He is sitting on a ramp leading up into the landed Counterfactual.net ship. He is leaning against a crate, and has a small pocket mirror in one hand by his side.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wonder how I’m looking?
(raises mirror to his face)
I’m looking nice!
My hair is nice,
my face is nice,
my clothes are nice,
I’m looking really nice!

Puts the mirror down and twiddles his thumbs for a couple of seconds, then a troubled expression crosses his face.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wonder how I’m looking now?
(raises mirror again and smiles)
Still looking nice!

A PRIMITIVE TRIBESMAN approaches. This is BRIANP.

BRIANP
You gave one of the new weapons
to my idiot neighbour!
Now I covet one myself…
And his wife…
(Pause)
and his dog.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hmm?

BRIANP
What must I do?

DOMINUSNOVUS hands him a crumpled piece of paper.

BRIANP
“Oh great and glorious Dom,
so handsome that I can barely restrain
myself, take pity on this homely type
and give me a plasma rifle.”
(he looks faintly sick).

DOMINUSNOVUS
Okay.

He opens the crate, pulls out a plasma rifle, tosses it to BRIANP, and goes back to ogling himself in the mirror.

BRIANP
(strokes plasma rifle)
My Precious…

He scurries away. ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS (skinny, bald teen with penetrating expression) comes out of the ship’s ramp.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Hey, NarcissusVetus.
You finished with that one?
I feel like flaying someone alive.
(cracks an imaginary whip and sighs)

DOMINUSNOVUS
No, he sounded more sincere than
the others. Wait your turn.
(pause)
What are Ward and Grimm talking about?

GRIMM REAPER
The plan.

DOMINUSNOVUS and ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS turn to see GRIMM REAPER (thin, goatee, plotting expression, dressed in Death robe) and WARD (in his sixties, military uniform, hardass) standing in the doorway. Behind them are the three Trekkie Minions, FEDERATIONX, FORTYSEVEN and GEDCA, all wearing red shirts.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
What about the plan?

GRIMM REAPER
There’s been some…developments…

WARD
Trekkies. You, boys.
You know what to do.

GEDCA nods and hurries away, drawing a phaser with one hand and a crysknife with the other. He is followed by FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX, both of whom also draw phasers.

GRIMM REAPER
You been giving the plasma rifles
away again for compliments, Dominus?

DOMINUSNOVUS
They can’t help complimenting me
‘cause I’m so good-looking, so of
course I give them the weapons.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Oh please. I’ve seen hairy man ass that’s
better looking than you.

Everyone pauses and take in the comment.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
(Angrily)
You know what I mean.

WARD
Youngsters’re too vain these days.
Back in my day…

GRIMM REAPER
(bony smile)
Irrelevant. So long as the Trekkies succeed…
the plan will go ahead.

Begins an evil laugh, joined by the others, except DOMINUSNOVUS who continues to stare into his mirror and eventually lets out more of a staccato sigh.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I’m prettier than hairy man ass.

CUT TO

INT. – THE COURT OF THE TRIBESMEN – DAY

A throne is at the end, but it is turned away from our view as we follow the Ah.com landing party, flanked by DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER, down the threadbare red carpet. Seated beside the throne is N-RED, apparently a female adviser or counselor of some kind.

DOCTOR WHAT
(in a hiss to REDROVER)
Who is this?

REDROVER
Our Honoured Elder.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding knowingly)
Ah.

They halt before the throne.

N-RED
(dreamily but commanding)
All shall bow in the presence of the Elder!

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR immediately fall to their knees. After the obligatory few seconds’ gawking, OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT also kneel and pull the others down with them.

LANDSHARK
(in a hiss)
I always said I only did
this for IronYuppie…

IRONYUPPIE
(in a hiss)
And don’t you forget it, boy!

N-RED
(not visible as we are focusing on the Ah.commers)
The Elder Speaketh!

ELDER
(also VO)
Waaaaaaah!!!

Pause. Ah.comers look up, puzzled, to see that seated in the throne is a baby wearing a paper crown and screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…

OTHNIEL
Your Elder…

DIAMOND
Is sort of…younger…than we…

LANDSHARK
It’s a frickin’ baby!

N-RED
(serenely)
Yes.

Awkward pause, aside from ELDER continuing to scream.

OTHNIEL
Ooh, ooh, I know, you believe the
souls of your past Elders are
reincarnated in children…?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no, you believe that the wisdom
of the child, being innocent, is fundamentally
‘elder’ than that of the adult…?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah, perhaps the fallout has
caused you to age backwards…?

N-RED
No, we just can’t count.

Another awkward pause.

IRONYUPPIE
So…now what happens?

N-RED
As the ancient prophecies foretold,
we must host a banquet in your honour.

DIAMOND
Great!

N-RED
Prepare the ritual!
“Over thirty five million sold.”

ALL TRIBESMEN
“And also with you.”

LANDSHARK
Good job we didn’t bring Grey Wolf…

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me some credit, drinking your host’s
drinks cellar dry doesn’t do much to endear you to people.

SFX – FLASHBACK

DOCTOR WHAT nervously grinning and backing away from some shadows of men holding knives overhead, as behind him GREY WOLF, surrounded by countless empty beer mugs, squints disappointedly at the last droplet falling from the one in his hand.

CUT TO:

INT. – WASTELANDS OF UTAH – SHUTTLE POD “JENNA JAMESON” – EVENING

STRAHA is sitting in the shuttle with his feet up on the dashboard, reading S.M. Stirling’s Domination trilogy.

STRAHA
Nope, nope.
(Pause)
Laughable.
(Pause)
Stupid.
(Pause)
They should never have let him write
about as important a subject as the Draka…

Suddenly we hear a clunk. STRAHA turns around to see, through the open shuttle door, three Trekkies in red shirts approaching.

STRAHA
You three!

GEDCA
Get him!

All three Trekkies fire their phasers at STRAHA, who ducks back inside the Jenna Jameson and pulls out a pistol, returning fire as he leans around a corner. FEDERATIONX falls to the floor, gasping.

FEDERATIONX
I’m dead, Jim…

STRAHA
That shirt just got redder…

GEDCA
Ya hya choudhya, whatever!

GEDCA and FORTYSEVEN take more shots at STRAHA, who then turns and looks around desperately in the shuttle.

STRAHA
(to himself)
Can’t get to the controls…but…

He pops a medical pack off the wall and begins frantically searching through it.

FORTYSEVEN
Eat nadions!

A golden phaser beam lashes out, passes an inch above STRAHA’s head and hits the bulkhead behind, causing the obligatory sparks. STRAHA whips his head around, pulls out his pistol, and fires again. FORTYSEVEN falls to the floor in a spin. Close up on STRAHA’s smirk, which turns to shock as GEDCA, with a brilliant shot, shoots the pistol from STRAHA’s hand. STRAHA turns to back away but a second phaser blast hits him in the shoulder and knocks him to the floor. He grunts with pain. GEDCA walks up slowly, casually. He takes a look at STRAHA and contemptuously casts his phaser away, drawing his crysknife.

GEDCA
Your water will be too
contaminated to save,
abomination…it shall be
spilled on the sand.

STRAHA
(laboured breath)
Well, this is Utah, where oral sex is illegal and there’s a huge Salt Lake…
two facts which may be connected.

Focus on STRAHA’s hand as it slowly inches towards the abandoned medical kit.

GEDCA
(smirking)
Any last words?

STRAHA
Yeah…
Take a pill!

STRAHA’s hand whips around, holding a red pill which he hurls in the direction of GEDCA, who starts in surprise. Follow the pill as it heads straight and true, hits GEDCA in the mouth, and he vanishes with a whoomph.

STRAHA
(grinning through the pain)
Good thing I got the right colour…
He should be waking up in the
Matrix about now.

He gingerly pulls himself upright and goes to the control panel. He sees it is sparking from a phaser hit.

STRAHA
Uh-oh. Not good.
Not good at all.
(pause)
Why am I talking to myself?
(pause)
That usually only happens when someone puts tequila in my weed.
(pause)
Either that or…
(grins crazily)
I’m Spider-Man!

Grinning, STRAHA hurls himself at the side of the shuttle, tries to climb up the wall, and falls off with a thump.

Clock wipe:

INT. – COURT OF THE TRIBESMEN – EVENING

The Court is now filled with long tables. At the head of each table is a priest dressed as Ronald McDonald, who hands out Happy Meal bags.

DOCTOR WHAT
(gingerly biting into a Big Mac)
Wow, tastes just like the original.

OTHNIEL
You mean…

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap, yes.

REDROVER
Strangers! You insult our honour!

DIAMOND
He’s sorry, he didn’t mean it.

DOCTOR WHAT
I didn’t?
(notices guards closing in with knives)
(hastily)
I mean, I didn’t!

REDROVER
(mollified)
Very well. It is not made of crap.

DRACONISNOIR
It is made of the flesh of our
last set of enemies.
(bites greedily into his)

Most of the Ah.commers go green and set down their Big Macs; IRONYUPPIE starts eating hers with more enthusiasm.

IRONYUPPIE
(mouth full)
Tastes like chicken…

OTHNIEL
Um, about eating people…

REDROVER
Don’t worry, they weren’t real people…

DRACONISNOIR
They were Pizza Hut-worshipping heathens.
(spits in contempt)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(in a whisper)
Nobody mention our Sheep worship.

LANDSHARK
What do you mean, ‘our’ sheep worship?

DIAMOND
Hey, Doc, maybe you could teach them how to make
‘Doctor What’s Love Human’.

DOCTOR WHAT
(seriously considers it, but then)
No.
(portentously)
The world is not ready…

We hear the sound of the Fraggle Rock theme tune and KIT pulls out a mobile phone.

KIT
Captain? Who’s that?
Oh… It’s for you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks, Kit.
(picks up the phone, then stares at it critically)
Um Kit, this is a mobile phone, isn’t it…?

KIT
(winks)
Among other things.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.
(Holds the phone at arm’s length and shouts)
WHAT? OH, HI STRAHA…NO THIS PLANET
HAS ALREADY HAD ONE NUCLEAR WAR,
THERE’S NO NEED TO MAKE YOUR USUAL SUGGESTION…
OH, NOT THAT? YOU WHAT?!
OKAY…

He puts the phone down and starts urgently wiping his hand on a napkin.

LANDSHARK
(watching this)
Hey Redrover, what are the
napkins made of?

REDROVER
(puzzledly)
Cloth.

LANDSHARK
(punches the table)
Dammit!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gravely)
Something’s happened.
I think Straha’s found the
source of those readings.
It’s the Counterfactual.net ship. They’ve landed here.

A collective gasp of horror and surprise.

IRONYUPPIE
Those bozos? Here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not only that…our shuttle’s damaged.
We have no way of getting back.

Dramatic music.

Fade to black.

END OF ACT I

ACT 2

From Black.

INT. – BRIDGE – AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

HENDRYK is sprawled out in the Command Chiar, looking bored. At the back, MICHAEL is standing near the CORRUPT A WISH THREAD with the holographic WISH GENIE grinning down at him. GBW (average height, unmemorable features) enters the Control Room, looking bleary-eyed.

GBW
So what’s up?
Where’d everyone go?

HENDRYK
The glorious leader is still down
on the planet… that poor, poor planet…
bereft of China and France!

GBW
Jeez. I take a little nap…
(sighs)
I told you all I was sorry about when I claimed that
airships aren’t economically competitive…

Everyone glares at GBW and a few of them make what look like some kind of holy protective sign in his direction.

LEO CAESIUS
Nothing to do but stay here and monitor
the transmissions fromdown there. English
has undergone fascinating permutations…
still used as an international language, but
now almost nowhere as a native tongue…

GBW
(sighs)
That reminds me of the time, long ago, when-

Suddenly the intercom begins to beep. HENDRYK answers it.

HENDRYK
Allô?

DOCTOR WHAT
(distorted)
Hendryk? Doctor What here, we have
problems. The Jenna Jameson is busted and
the CF.netters are here, causing trouble…

HENDRYK
Sacré merde!

DOCTOR WHAT
You must tell Thande and Torq to send
down their project, and a shuttle!

HENDRYK
Of course, Great One! Why…
(pauses, thinking)
Why, you…
(smiles)
Oh, you must think I’m a fool.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

HENDRYK
As though you are the real,
great Doctor What… You simply
want me to send another shuttle
down so you can strip it of technology.
The real Doctor told me specifically
not to disturb Thande and Torqumada.
Where are you from, eh?
Brazil, South Africa, India?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hendryk, I’m serious!
The power generators-

HENDRYK
If you are the real
Doctor What, recite the
Third Cunnilazarus Sutra!

DOCTOR WHAT
What?
How should I know?
You wrote it!

HENDRYK
Goodbye, Señor. Nice try.
He hangs up.

LEO CAESIUS
What if that…was the real Doctor?

HENDRYK
I don’t trust anything on this world.

MICHAEL
Pfft, whatever.
(He turns to WISH GENIE)
I wish for a nice cup of tea.

Tea in a china cup appears before MICHAEL, he takes it, drinks it, and nods resignedly as the cup shatters to leave millions of china splinters in his hand. He walks over to the massive first aid cabinet beside the well, goes past a dozen boxes labelled ‘CHEMOTHERAPY KIT – IN CASE OF THANDE INCIDENT, BREAK GLASS’ and finally gets some Elastoplast and tweezers. He goes to work on his hand.

GBW
Hmm, I guess we’ve got nothing left to do but share amusing anecdotes.
Did I ever tell you about the time, long ago, when I-

MICHAEL
(sighing at GBW’s rambling story)
I wish someone would shoot me.

A bullet suddenly comes out of nowhere and hits MICHAEL, who falls over.

WISH GENIE
Wish granted. However, you fell onto a
pool of Thande’s regenerative serum,
meaning you are immediately resurrected…
it has only one major side effect, namely cancer of the—

MICHAEL holds up his hand to forestall the comment and grabs one of the chemotherapy kits.

GBW
(eyeing regenerative serum on floor)
Someone should really clean that up.
(troubled frown)
It reminds me of the time when…

CUT TO:

INT. – COURT OF THE TRIBESMEN – NIGHT

All the Ah.commers, including STRAHA, are clustered in the Court after the banquet.

DIAMOND
So the power generator is shot…

LANDSHARK
But the engines are still okay?

STRAHA
Uh-huh.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, we’ve got three choices.

IRONYUPPIE
One: we kick the asses of those
CF.net rentboys and steal their ship.

KIT
Two: we go to one of this timeline’s
space-capable powers and steal ourselves
a primitive orbital capsule, possibly using…
our seductive talents.

LANDSHARK
What do you mean, our?

OTHNIEL
Three: we find a power source so we
can repair our shuttle.

DIAMOND
Ain’t gonna happen on this world.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They don’t even have fusion yet.
No power sources good enough.
As Admiral Wellington said to
Washington at Paschendaele…

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway. I don’t fancy our chances on hijacking, so I
guess it’s time to go kick arse and chew bubble gum!

Everyone cheers, then a pause.

IRONYUPPIE
Aren’t you going to finish that quote?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, see, I actually do have bubblegum.
And I’m planning to chew it while you lot do the arse-kicking.

LANDSHARK
Well, at least he’s honest.

They begin to get up and pack.

DRACONISNOIR
You are leaving so soon?

DOCTOR WHAT
(in talking-to-natives voice)
We must. We have lost our
transport, but we have learned that
some enemies of ours are here and
have brought one of their own.

REDROVER
Enemies? Have you any weapons?

DIAMOND
Some…but we left most on the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This was supposed to be a
diplomatic mission!

LANDSHARK
(looks at him)
Really? When was the last time we did that?

DOCTOR WHAT
Timeline 3262, wasn’t it?

LANDSHARK
“Hosting a reception so you can try and get into the pants of the World Empress” is not the same thing as a diplomatic mission.

DOCTOR WHAT
How so?

LANDSHARK
Well, for a start, there were no little round gold chocolates.
Can’t be a diplomatic mission without little round gold chocolates.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Ahh…you left before the fifth round of drinks, didn’t you?
You’d be surprised by how many of those things you can fit up—

DIAMOND
(coughs)
Anyway, the point is we don’t have any guns.

DRACONISNOIR
Well, remember the greatest weapon
can’t be taken from you: your wits.

IRONYUPPIE
How naïve.

LANDSHARK
We’re screwed.

REDROVER
Okay. In that case, why not
borrow my plasma rifle?

He wields the potent advanced weapon, offering it to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who stares at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But that’s…

DOCTOR WHAT
Years in advance of even
the superpowers here!

LANDSHARK
Where did you get it?

REDROVER
(shrugs)
From the Others…

OTHNIEL
The Others?

DRACONISNOIR
They came a month ago.
They have a sky ship like yours, but bigger.

REDROVER
And they sell us these weapons,
which kill our enemies and
cook them for the banquet in one go!

DRACONISNOIR
A magnificent innovation.
(points at dial on side of plasma rifle)
Look, it even has a chargrill setting!

DOCTOR WHAT
My great googly moogly…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They’re trying to upset the
delicate balance of this timeline!

OTHNIEL
Arming the tribes…
Next comes the East Utah Company.

DRACONISNOIR
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(gravely)
Never mind.

DIAMOND
Uh, how do you recharge
those things, anyway?

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR exchange glances.

REDROVER
Our priests perform the ritual,
using our sacred tribal artefact…

DRACONISNOIR
But it is forbidden for outlanders to see!

DOCTOR WHAT
(raises hands defensively)
Okay. We’ll respect your custom.

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
The hell we will.
(to the group)
Landshark, IronYuppie – stay behind
and check out this artefact thing.

LANDSHARK
Huh! Knowing this lot it’ll be
a bloody McDonald’s neon sign…

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t be stupid, Sharky.
How can they recharge plasma cannons off a neon sign?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll pursue the main attack,
but you two must do this.

LANDSHARK
Oh, all right, if we must.

KIT
This calls for a cunning plan…

Clock-wipe:

EXT.– WASTELANDS OF UTAH – COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – NIGHT

The Counterfactual.net ship is as before, with ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS, DOMINUSNOVUS, WARD and GRIMM REAPER sitting on the ramp amidst crates of plasma rifles.

WARD
You certain?

GRIMM REAPER
How can we ever be certain, truly?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(still gazing into his mirror)
I’m certain I’m irresistible.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Oh, brother.

WARD
Hey, here come some more loser natives.

The AH.com crew approach, each of them wearing big red truncated-pyramid hats that cover their entire heads.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Who are you scum?

DOCTOR WHAT
(echoing inside the hat)
We are the People of Pizza Hut.

OTHNIEL
We worship at the
Red Pagoda.

DIAMOND
You have given weapons to our mortal enemies, the McDonaldites…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Now we want ‘a piece of the action’, as Genghis Khan said to General Pinochet-

DOCTOR WHAT nudges PSYCHOMELTDOWN pointedly.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
How amusing.
May I slaughter them, slowly?

GRIMM REAPER
(waving his hand thoughtfully)
No. Let us escalate things.
It will make them more…interesting.
(to himself)
Where do I know that voice…?

WARD
(gruffly)
Where I come from, it’s
polite to introduce yourself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, sure. I’m Italiano,
(gestures to STRAHA)
He’s Hawaiian,
(gestures to DIAMOND)
He’s Americano,
(gestures to OTHNIEL)
He’s Margherita,
(gestures to PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
He’s Anchovy,
(gestures to KIT)
And he’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy.

DOMINUSNOVUS
No, I think you’ll find that’s me!
(giggles to himself)

GRIMM REAPER
(suddenly something clicks)
Anchovy you say?
He sounds more like lamb to me…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN shifts uncomfortably.

OTHNIEL
Nope, he’s never lain down with a lion.

KIT
A lion in the sack maybe…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Guys, please?

GRIMM REAPER
Hm. In that case you won’t
mind it if we seal our bargain
with a mutton-flavoured cigar?

He pulls one out and holds it in front of PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who reflexively recoils.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
So! Sheepies!
I shall kill them!

GRIMM REAPER pulls PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s pagoda hat off. Suddenly all the Ah.comers dive to the floor, their red pagoda hats comically remaining in midair for a split second afterwards. The Ah.comers reappear behind some of the crates.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s blown it! Open fire!

All the Ah.commers snatch up plasma rifles from the crates and start firing; the Cf.netters pull out their own plasma rifles and return fire, except WARD who has a huge plasma Gatling gun. As the battle rages…

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THANDE’S LAB – NIGHT

A large room filled with a variety of complex scientific technology. In the centre are THANDE and TORQUMADA (balding, also with white lab coat), who are both surrounded by biotech apparatus. As we watch, THANDE slowly pours a vial of yellow liquid into a test tube of orange liquid, agitates it, sniffs and sips, then shakes his head.

THANDE
Too much lemon.
Okay, how are we?

TORQUMADA

The cultured cells respond as predicted. But whether
that will hold true for the whole organism…

THANDE
It’s a risk we’ll have to take.
Begin DNA sequencing ASAP.

TORQUMADA turns back to the apparatus, but suddenly the door to the lab opens. In come DAVE HOWERY and GREY WOLF, who are duelling. DAVE HOWERY has his adamantium chainsaw and GREY WOLF has his unicorn-hilted rapier. Sparks fly as they clash.

DAVE HOWERY
Just you wait till I get my robot tanks!

GREY WOLF
I’m, um, going to knock you all the way back to Jesusland!

GREY WOLF ducks one of DAVE HOWERY’s sweeps. The adamantium chainsaw swings around and smashes through a rack of distillation tubes. A perfect diagonal line is visible for a second as the rack holds together, then it collapses into ruin. GREY WOLF attempts a thrust, but DAVE HOWERY jumps aside and the rapier punctures an IV bag, which begins leaking liquid all over the floor. Similar scenes of destruction follow as the pair continue to duel across the room, eventually leaving through an opposite door. THANDE and TORQUMADA watch, resigned.

TORQUMADA
Deplorable.

THANDE
I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s the third time this week.
(shrugs)
Oh well, back to work…

TORQUMADA
…on Doctor What’s famous project.
(sighs)
This is taking too much time out of my brain research.

THANDE
Yep – and it’s not as though there’s any brain research involved in this…

Cut to:

INT. – COURT OF THE TRIBESMEN – NIGHT

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK creep furtively around the Court. LANDSHARK peers around a corner and we can see the CHILD ELDER with N-RED, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER.

ELDER
Waaaaah!

N-RED
Elder says leave!

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR turn and march away. IRONYUPPIE nods to LANDSHARK and, as the two tribesmen pass, the two AH.commers reach out, grab them and pull them around the corner. We hear a scuffle, then IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK reappear dressed in the tribesmens’ clothes.

LANDSHARK
(gushing slightly)
That was amazing. I didn’t even know you could do that with a man’s kidneys…

IRONYUPPIE
Hush, Sharky.

LANDSHARK
These clothes smell like baby oil…

They continue to the throne, then behind it to a dark passage. Creeping along, they see N-RED holding the ELDER and bowing before a graven image. An image like…a seal, a walrus? But it is wearing sunglasses and gold chains, and in one flipper it carries a filofax, and in the other a large mobile phone!

IRONYUPPIE
Suite holey Jebus Cripes!

LANDSHARK
It’s…

BOTH
A SUCCESSFUL SEA LION!

N-RED whips around.

N-RED
I told you two to – huh?

There’s a confused struggle and it finishes with IRONYUPPIE pressing N-RED against the wall and tying her hands behind her back.

LANDSHARK
Are you sure those are moans of agony?

IRONYUPPIE
In a manner of speaking.

Cut to:

EXT.WASTELANDS OF UTAH – COUNTERFACUTAL.NET SHIP – NIGHT

As we watch, DIAMOND is hit by two blasts from WARD’s Gatling and falls to the floor, two bad but not mortal wounds in his chest.

DIAMOND
Uhhhhnn…

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re losing this!

OTHNIEL
Of course we are, they know their own weapons better!

STRAHA
There must be something, like, that we can do!

Suddenly, all four Cf.netters look up, aghast.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
That is not playing fair!
(pouts)
And only I am allowed to God-mode!

The Ah.commers also look up to see the Jenna Jameson descending before them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?…how?

The shuttle lands and LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE jump out. IRONYUPPIE hurls her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death at the CF.netters, who hastily retreat into their ship.

WARD glares at them and it looks as though he’s about to stay and fight, but GRIMM REAPER manages to drag him back inside just before the Yo-yo hits the wall where he was standing and explodes in a blur of lightning.

IRONYUPPIE
Come on, you sons of mothers!

All pile into the shuttle, STRAHA and PSYCHOMELTDOWN dragging a moaning DIAMOND.

Cut to:

EXT.– UPPER ATMOSPHERE – NIGHT

The Cf.net ship pursuing the shuttle. Purple particle beams lance out and hit the shuttle.

INT. – SHUTTLE POD “JENNA JAMESON” – NIGHT

The scene is shaking as more energy beams hit the shuttle. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and OTHNIEL are piloting while LANDSHARK sits at the back with a slightly confused expression on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Try to lose them!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(biting his lip)
What do you think I’m
trying to do, fix the squeak on the chair?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, while you’re at it, see to that too, it’s really annoying.

OTHNIEL
It’s no good.
Wait…I…

Suddenly, before them, the Ah.com ship appears from behind the Moon –

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – NIGHT

HENDRYK
Vive le Docteur!
Monsieur Matt, tirez!

MATT
(hammers down on control panel)
Eat this, you asshats!

EXT. – SPACE

The Ah.com ship’s turrets blast out a broadside of red particle beams that strike the unshielded CF.net ship, ripping gouts of fire across its flank.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BRIDGE

The CF.net’s bridge looks much like the AH.com’s, but in darker tones and even more run-down. A console explodes as we watch.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Damn it! They took out the primary power conduit
to our main weapons array!

WARD
(in dangerous tones)
Have you failed me…?

FAEELIN
Negative, sir – we simply didn’t have time to raise
the shields after leaving the atmosphere.

WARD glares at him for a moment as the ship rocks with more weapons fire.

WARD
(mutters to himself)
Teach me to land the ship…from now on it’s shuttles or teleporters only.
Go and tell the new guys to scrape up the Trekkies and then get Fortyseven trained on working the pads.
And as for now…

GRIMM REAPER
Sir – we have no weapons. We’re sitting ducks for them.

WARD
(grinds his teeth)
And that traitor What just flits away in his shuttle.
All right. You win this time, you bastard.
(sighs)
Shift us out.

INT. – CF.NET – ENGINE ROOM

With the thrumming power core in the background, we see three CF.net crewmen, two men and a woman, their backs to us, as they carry in the Trekkies on stretchers. FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX both have bleeding chest wounds and are moaning in pain, while GEDCA’s eyes have rolled back in his head and we can see scrolling lines of ghosting green-on-black text in them.

GEDCA
(muttering to himself)
Whoa.

The stretchers are dumped on the floor and the grumbling crewmen start giving them medical aid.

MAN 1
Some junket this is. Captain Ward didn’t even let us out to see this timeline.

MAN 2
Well, it was a bit post-apocalyptic, bro, probably not that nice a place to see.

MAN 1
All the same…

WOMAN
Yeah, crosstime travel is why I signed up for this in the first place.
See strange new places, the familiar in bizarre contexts…
Why, you might even run into your alternate version from another timeline!

MAN 1
I’m not sure I want to think about that.

MAN 2
Me either.

WOMAN
Pfft, you two are such squares.

The three of them finally turn away from the Trekkies to reveal they are subtly different versions of DRACONISNOIR, REDROVER and N-RED.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE POD BAY – NIGHT

The battered Jenna Jameson docks back aboard the Ah.com ship and the weary crew stumble out of the shuttle pod.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right – that’s it – we have to find some better pilots.
GBW can handle a yoke, can’t he? How about Matt?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grumbles)
Yeah, you’re welcome.

LANDSHARK, looking extremely confused, raises his hand for a moment before putting it down and shaking his head in puzzlement.

END OF ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – NIGHT

The Ah.commers from the shuttle come through the doors to the control room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Amazing! Good work, Archbishop!

HENDRYK
(preens)
C’est ne rien pas.

DOCTOR WHAT
So much, in fact, that I’m only giving you a week’s hard labour for
doubting me earlier and getting us into this shit in the first place.

HENDRYK
Je suis malade…

The doors open again to admit THANDE and TORQUMADA

TORQUMADA
Hey Doc, we finished the project…

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly keen)
Yes? Yes??

THANDE
But, um, there may have been a
typo on your memo, where
someone spilt…white-out…on it…

KIT
(smirks)
Yeah, right.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind that,
where are they?!

THANDE
Um…

The doors open yet again and in marches an army of Paris Hilton clones. However, they are all dressed in Elizabethan male dress with pantaloons and are holding skulls.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the-?

PARIS HILTON CLONES
Alas, poor Yorick, he was undone…tis better to
…now is the winter of our discontent…
oh happy dagger…by any other name…
come let me grasp thee…

DOCTOR WHAT
Thespian Paris Hilton Clones?!!!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
I never even got to see the New Ottoman Empire…

All look up to see he is still stuck in the ceiling – all look down again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(turns away from the conflagration)
I still don’t believe this bullshit about
a successful Sea Lion.

IRONYUPPIE
You doubt my word?
I’ll make you pay for that, sheep boy…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So why didn’t you bring it back?

LANDSHARK
Because the Great Ian would have
righteously smote the ship, of course.
(pause)
And because it was bloody heavy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah right, likely story.

OTHNIEL
So we didn’t bring back
any souvenirs of the voyage at all?

IRONYUPPIE
(smirks)
I wouldn’t say that…

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

A sturdy door, with a hefty medieval lock on it and a name plate reading:

IRONYUPPIE’S LAIR
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE

INT. – IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

The door creaks open before us and inside we see a Spanish Inquisition-esque dungeon, in which, tied to three pillars in the centre, are REDROVER, DRACONISNOIR and N-RED.

DRACONISNOIR
You know, I have a bad feeling about this…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

©Thande ta Kirinrenor 2005, 2009