TEASER

INT. – OUROBOROS – BAR AREA – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, Diamond, and WEAPON M all walk in. They look like they’ve just been almost killed by a horde of raging ATLer’s, and as this is the AH.COM crew, they probably have. They all grab seats at the bar, which is almost deserted except for a group of noisy teenager Potter-fans discussing which “ship” they like. IAN looks at the AH.COM group. Today he is dressed like Groucho Mark, with round glasses and a mustache.

DOCTOR WHAT
Every time we go to another universe.
Every…. Single…. Time.

KIT
What? I’m gay. I’m supposed to have sex
with men. You should know that by now…

DOCTOR WHAT
But it was the prince of England…
and he was straight…

KIT
(grins)
Well, he’s not anymore.

WEAPON M
Well, his father sure as hell was,
with all those laws… And I was
just about to have a threesome,
too, with two of those female Guards.

DOCTOR WHAT
We can’t go back to that world anymore, though.
(looks at Kit)
Thanks to you…

KIT
For the last time, guys, I didn’t know
that those sealion pets of the king had
Gaydar, honest. I was being careful.
Extremely careful…

IAN
Can I get you guys anything?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, 4 ru-
(thinks of Michael)
Four rums and a Bloody Mary.
And make the Mary with extra
red foam on top and ready to go.

IAN
(knowingly)
Sure. Lots of foam.

KIT
I feel like going back to the
ship drunk tonight…. Really drunk.

ALL
Hear hear!

Over in the corner of the room, a man who looks a lot like Wendell Wilkie takes notes on the AH.Commers as they get drunk and dance around before he leaves.

KIT
(off-key)
99 bottles of beer on the wall,
99 bottles of beer, take one down,
throw it around, 99 bottles of beer
on the wall! Hello.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks at Kit)
If I was sober, I would soooooooo
be writing this down. But I’m not!
(passes out)

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“MIRROR, MIRROR, WHICH SHIP IS PRETTIEST OF THEM ALL?”

Written By : LUAKEL

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see a bloodshot eye. It is twitching nervously, looking around as though it expects something horrible to happen. We pan back away from the eye and see that it belongs to MICHAEL. There is red foam dripping down his face, and he is shaking nervously. We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DMA, STRAHA, and G. BONE looking at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smirks)
He still dealing with that drink
that the Doc gave him last night?

G.BONE
Yep. He forced it down Michael’s throat.
I think KIT helped a bit with the forcing down part…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think he’s seeing red.
(they all giggle)

MICHAEL
(whispering to himself)
Nah, I’m not that thirsty Doc, really I’m not….
NO! KIT! DO NOT DO THAT! PLEASE GOD
DON’T DO THAT!!!! YES! I’LL DO
ANYTHING! WAIT, NO, STOP,
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So… much… red………

STRAHA
I’m gonna look in his pockets…
Hey! He has some hash in here! Cool.

Straha lights up and walks away to the giant Sheep statue, a copy of “Marching through Georgia” in his other hand. Meanwhile, Psycho pulls a V8 out of his pocket and begins to drink from it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I have an idea…
(whispering)
Michael? Michael, I can help you, okay?

MICHAEL
( looks up)
Psycho? You’re
(swallows)
my… friend, Psycho.
You… Owe Me.

DMA and G.BONE look at PSYCHOMELTDOWN suspiciously upon hearing the last sentence.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervously)
I have no idea what he’s talking about.
(whispers at Michael)
Shut Up!

MICHAEL
Fine. Just…. Help me.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You know what you have to do, Mikey.

MICHAEL
Nooooooooooooo……..
I can’t…………….

Psychomeltdown sighs, and shows the V8 can to Michael.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Would you like some V8, Michael?

Michael looks inside the can, sees the reddish liquid inside, and immediately backs away, twitching.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(holding V8 threateningly)
Say it, Michael.

MICHAEL
O….kay.
Alyson….. is ….. hot.
(he passes out)

DMA
(reveals a microphone in his hand)
I got it all.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Perfect.

We pan away from the trio, towards the table in the center of the room where OTHNIEL , KIT, DAVE HOWERY, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, GREY WOLF, DIAMOND, and IRON YUPPIE sit. KIT has his head in his hands and is talking to ABDUL HADI PASHA.

KIT
I still can’t believe I drank that much last night…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Hey, it could be worse. You could’ve ended up
like Michael. Besisdes, it’s not like anyone saw
you or anything. Well, except for Yuppie, and
Sharky, and Leo, and Justin, and Doc, and,
well, never mind.

KIT
(grinning)
Well, it wasn’t that bad… after all,
I got to hit on Leo when he was
testing his new body.

LEO CAESIUS
(from the ceiling)
Aw… thanks Kit! Does my new
body really look that good? If I
were in it now I’d blush!

KIT
Of course it was, Leo! You should
know that I’ll always like you!
But how did you know how Antonio
Banderas looked, anyway?

OTHNIEL
(sardonically)
Well, there was that time you posted
pictures of him all around the ship…

LEO CAESIUS
I designed it exactly according to your
specifications. If you want, you can take
the new LeoMobile out for a ride as well.

KIT
Awwwwwww……thanks! You’re one of
the best Ship AI’s a guy could have!
But I did allow Landshark to play
dress-me-up with me…

LANDSHARK
Oh yes I did, Kitty-Kat. And Yuppie
caught all of it on. All of it.

IRONYUPPIE
(pulling out camera, pressing a button and a little tape falls out)
You looked so pretty in that little tutu, Katgirl.
And everyone on ship is going to see it, too.
Even if you beg us to give this back to you, we won’t.

KIT
(grinning)
Oh, I can do much more than just beg…

DIAMOND
(makes retching sounds)
Damnit! Keep your homosexual
overtones to yourself, Kit!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DMA, and G.BONE stop prodding MICHAEL’s shaking body and come over to the table.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
All hail the Holy SHEEP!!

STRAHA
(from nearby Sheep Statue)
I hear that!!!
(passes out)

The room quiets down as DOCTOR WHAT walks in. He is wearing a fur coat, but a dominatrix outfit is quite visible underneath it. Everyone averts their gaze from DOCTOR WHAT except for LANDSHARK and IRON YUPPIE, who stare at his outfit with interest.

IRONYUPPIE
So… where have you been, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
None of your business! It’s not
my fault that she likes it this way…

G. BONE
(smirking)
Who? The fembot?

DOCTOR WHAT
Just remember who created her, G. Bone.

G. BONE
Oh.
(blushing)
Hahahah…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shooting G.Bone a victory look)
So Leo, what’s up with this planet?

LEO CAESIUS
They still have records of Azarsian!
Fascinating language, Doctor, from
what I can figure out it originated
around 1590 B.C….

DOCTOR WHAT
What else, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
(clears nonexsistent throat)
Oh, Fine. You all have no respect for
ancient languages… The world is
fairly similar to our own, actually,
except for a few changes. Canada
appears to be part of a Pan-American Union…

DAVE HOWERY jumps out of his seat, doing a victory dance.

LEO (cont.)
…which it controls,

DAVE sinks back into his seat, angry.

LEO (cont.)
China and France appear to have combined
their countries into a massive force to ensure
peace, and have become a superpower, c
urrently the only one,

HENDRYK
Impressionnant ! C’est excellent !

LEO (cont.)
…and Othniel appears to be the governor of Utah.

OTHNIEL
(Horrified)
Utah?
But I don’t like-

LEO (cont.)
…and he’s Mormon.

Othniel faints.

DIAMOND
(looking at Othniel worriedly)
Uhhhhhhhhhh… What happened to him?

DMA
Either someone had a Jihad on his Arse,
and he’s pissed, or Straha slipped him something.

They both look at Straha, who wakes up and sees them.

STRAHA
(innocently)
What?
(whistles nervously)

LEO (cont.)
Oh, and there’s a nice Caribbean island
owned by one Doctor Bruno What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, then. I’m going on vacation!

LEO CAESIUS clears non-existent throat

DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctantly)
Fine. We’re going on vacation

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees DOCTOR WHAT’s outfit)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(passes out again)

DOCTOR WHAT
We embark at 2100! GBW, take Michael ofF
to Torq to get fixed up. G.Bone, get the
teleportation ready. Kit, come with me.
I need a back massage…

LEO CAESIUS
Um, Doctor? I’m picking up signals
that indicate a vortex similar to the
one we use is opening…

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.COM ship, orbiting around Earth. We then zoom away from it, and see a vortex opening in space. A ship emerges, big, bulky, and trailing a lot of exhaust. On it’s hull we see, in pink neon lights, OTHER TIMELINES.COM.

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

In the middle of the room is a huge map of the world, with OTL.COM RULES spray painted on it. There is a square table in front of it, and at it sit TURTLEDOVE (at the head) , WENDELL, CDURHAM, CRISCO, DAN, IVAN, JW EATS MANGOS, and RAMPAGING COW.

JW EATS MANGOS
So, here’s the plan. France is going to take
all of this area of Africa, and you guys-

DAN
But that’s not fair to Austria!
All we get is Libya!

CDURHAM
Screw you guys. His Majesty’s Empire
is going to take all of India, and if anyone
protests, we’ll use our super sneaky
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

IVAN
Where did you get those?

CDURHAM
Half off at Wal-Mart… I got ‘em
in the before-school rush.

RAMPAGINGCOW
Popular, eh?

We hear MORGOTH’s voice, and he is clearly “their” LEO.

MORGOTH
So, what did you find at the pub, Wendell?

WENDELL
Ah, nothing really. It was a pretty quiet night.
Just before I left there was this group of strange
travelers that came in. They were all talking
about going to this other place, just like we
would do. They treated the admin there
nicely, even, unlike you guys….

TURTLEDOVE
Treating Admin nicely? That’s crazy!
(pulls out a whip and hits ADMIN, who is lying on the floor wretchedly)
Clean up all this spam! Or Else!
So Morgoth, what’s this world like?
Are there lots of kittens for me to kill?

MORGOTH
There are quite a lot of kittens on Australia,
but there’s something else there too. Sheep.

Everyone thinks of sheep in disgust, except for WENDELL, who watches all this, amused.

TURTLEDOVE
What else?

MORGOTH
Nothing really.
Oh, and OTL.COM is one of the
most popular websites on Earth…

TURTLEDOVE
Really?

MORGOTH
Yeah, but none of us are members.
So, are you guys going to go down to it or what?

TURTLEDOVE
Yeah sure. As long as there are a lot
of people to terrorize. And kittens…

MORGOTH
Ok, I’ll tell GWB to get teleportation ready.
And I’ll call COR up- Wait, now I’m picking
up a strange signal from nearby.

TURTLEDOVE
Is it a kitten?

RAMPAGING COW
Does it matter? Kittens are cute.

TURTLEDOVE
Only if you’re killing them.

MORGOTH
Well, actually, the signal is, well, it’s just like ours…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Does that man it’s the CF.NET ship again, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
It doesn’t appear to be. If anything,
it’s like a twisted opposite of us.

DMA
Can we launch a Jihad on their Arses?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, that would be stupid, surely they’ll
be happy to know that there are people
just like them out there! Let’s go!

LANDSHARK
Hey Doc, where did you get that outfit?

DOCTOR WHAT
Why, do you want it?

DOCTOR WHAT undresses, and there is a scramble as everyone tries to gouge out their eyes. Except for KIT, of course.

KIT
(smirking)
The fruit of his loins…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

We see TORQUMADA with some pinkish slimy stuff in one hand and some Superglue in the other. His head is lying on the table and he’s crying.

TORQUMADA
(sadly)
I miss you, Bobo…

The door to the bay opens and GBW stumbles in, carrying MICHAEL.

GBW
Hey Tor- wha? Are you crying?

TORQUMADA
(wiping away tears)
Of course not! That would be silly.
(hides Bobo’s remains with his hands)
So, what do you need? What’s wrong with Michael?

GBW
(lays Michael down on a bunk)
Um, he drank a Bloody Mary and
it gave him redheadytis.
What is that stuff you’re hiding?
And, uh, why’s it moving?

TORQUMADA
It’s moving???
(looks around)
BOBO!!! YOU’RE ALIVE!

GBW
(nervously)
So, I’ll just leave now…

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees the rejuvenated Bobo)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(passes out yet again)

INT –AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking in front of the Away Team, inspecting them. He stops first at MATT, who is dressed up in his armor and has the BFG in his hands. WEAPON M is looking at the BFG jealously.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why are you taking that anyway?
We’re supposed to be friendly to them.

MATT
Yeah, I’ll be friendly.. with extreme force!
And what if they turn out to be a bunch of
Asshats, like a people I know.

DOCTOR WHAT
You and your paranoia… When was the last
time that people didn’t want to see us?

MATT
(shocked)
When was the last time they did!?!?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, fine…

DOCTOR WHAT walks over to OTHNIEL, who has two pistols in his hand, waving them around menacingly

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you feeling OK, Oth? You’ve
been acting kind of strange lately.

OTHNIEL
Well, I am seeing some rather fascinating
pink elephants walking around… tell me,
Doc, have you ever considered that
2+2 might actually equal 4?

DOCTOR WHAT
(glaring at STRAHA, who’s whistling innocently)
Not really.
(walks over to IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, who’s wearing the dominatrix outfit)
Uh, Landshark, couldn’t that scare them?

LANDSHARK
That’s what I want it to do…

IRONYUPPIE
(holding bat threateningly)
Do you have a problem with that, What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nervously)
Um, no, not really.
(to everyone)
Well, lets go see them. Surely
they’ll be happy to see us!

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The OTL.COM crew walks in. All of them have some sort of weapon in their hands, except for TURTLEDOVE, who holds a squishy duck.

TURTLEDOVE
We are about to boldly go… where no
Alternate Historian has gone before!

The other OTLers look at each other.

CRISCO
Um, Turtledove? Aren’t our opposites
probably alternate historians too?

TURTLEDOVE
Oh yeah! Well, um, nevermind.

CRISCO
But…

TURTLEDOVE
I said never mind! Stop questioning my authoritah!
(looks around)
Does everyone have their weapons loaded and ready?

COR
(lifts up two AK-47’s)
Do you want to make sure?

TURTLEDOVE
No thanks. GWB?

GWB
(looks up from a copy of PLAYBOY)
Yeah?

TURTLEDOVE
Beam us…. There.

GWB
Where?

TURTLEDOVE
THERE!

GWB
WHERE???

TURTLEDOVE
THERE, YOU PEACE OF SH-

GWB
Oh. There.

GWB presses a button and the OTL.COM crew disappears from sight, replaced almost instantly by a more familiar crew.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

We see the AH.COM crew suddenly pop into view in the teleporter. GWB looks up from his PLAYBOY at them.

GWB
Who the hell are you guys?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re your opposites! Glad to see us?

GWB
Uhh…. Sure………

GWB reaches under his seat to grab a pistol, but before he can do anything, MATT blows his head off with the BFG.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
What did you do that for?
He was happy to see us!

MATT
What??? He was going to shoot us!
What would you have done?

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine, fine…
Okay guys, lets find these guys’
meeting room and surprise them!

DIAMOND
(looks at the headless body of GWB)
Are you sure they want to be surprised?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, we’ll just tell them that the killing
of one of their crew members was an
accident. They won’t be mad!

As the AH.COMers walk out, we see one of Morgoth’s consoles on the wall of the room.

MORGOTH
I’d better alert THE DOOM THAT CAME TO SARNATH…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

We see G.BONE lying on the ground, unconscious. Standing around him are the OTL.COM away team.

COR
Can I kill him now?

TURTLEDOVE
You can kill the next one, okay?
I just wanna find some kittens.

RAMPAGING COW
What’s wrong with kittens?

TURTLEDOVE
They’re cute and they give me hives.
Now c’mon. Let’s go find out if anyone
else is on this pathetic excuse for a ship.

CDURHAM
What do we do if we find any?

TURTLEDOVE
Well, we do need some fresh people to torture…

As they tramp out of the room, we hear a snoring noise from one of LEO’s consoles.

LEO CAESIUS
(snorts, and the light on his console turns on)
Ahhhh….
(sees G.BONE’s unconscious form)
Hey, G.BONE, G.BONE!

G.BONE
(wakes up)
Wha-
Oh it’s you, Leo.
What happened to me?

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, you must’ve fallen asleep.
But the opposites are here! I
need you to help me into my
body so I can greet them personally!

Sounds in the distance can be heard. Gunshots and yeling.

G.BONE
Uh… What’s going on?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

OTL.COM crew hunting down all that are still on the ship.

INT. – DIAMOND’S QUARTERS – DAY

DIAMOND is swilling beer, dressed in a bathrobe and staring vacantly at a television screen, when suddenly CRISCO, DAN, and IVAN burst into his room. He staggers to his feet, looking confused and the two converge upon him, using pink brass knuckles to beat him into unconsciousness.

INT. – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

A drunk GREY WOLF with a plush unicorn in his hand being dragged out of his room by WENDELL. GREY WOLF scrambles madly, then grabs a bottle of booze, and then lets himself be dragged away

INT. – HENDRYK’S QUARTERS – DAY

HENDRYK designing a new robe with ink calligraphy on it before RAMPAGING COW sprays it with water, then knocks out HENDRYK while he’s crying.

INT. – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – DAY

DAVE HOWERY crushing his miniature model of Toronto, complete with a Mini-DOCTOR WHAT, before TURTLEDOVE walks up behind him and squirts knockout gas out of the squishy duck in his hands.

INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DMA kneeling in front of the Sheep statue, giving their daily tribute to it before JW EATS MANGOS and CDURHAM blow it up using their Big Frickin’ Laser Guns. PSYCHO and DMA immediately take out spoons and charge at the OTLer’s but are stunned into submission.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

TURTLEDOVE looks down at the gathered captured crew.

TURTLEDOVE
Well. This was just too easy.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is dancing around, with BOBO in his hands.

TORQUMADA
I’m so glad you’re alive, BOBO!
I’m going to make you some playmates!

BOBO
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…………….

TORQUMADA
(looking at the unconscious MICHAEL)
I shall feed you soon, my pet. Don’t worry.

LEO CAESIUS and G. BONE walk in.

LEO CAESIUS
Hey Torq! We have visitors!

TORQUMADA
(putting BOBO down)
Really?
(looks at G. BONE)
Hey, what happened to you?
That’s a pretty nasty bruise on your head.

G.BONE
Eh, I must’ve hit my head when
I fell asleep. I probably got a concussion,
maybe some internal bleeding…
(Shrugs)

TORQUMADA
Okay.

G.BONE
So, it looks like some people are
trying to take over out ship.
You wanna go help stop them?

TORQUMADA
Must be a Tuesday…
Hey, why is Leo in his body?

LEO CAESIUS
Boarders, remember?

TORQUMADA
Oh, yeah.
So what’s the plan?

G.BONE
We take back the ship.

LEO CAESIUS
How?

G.BONE
(long thoughtful pause)
We take back the ship.

They leave, and GBW runs into the room through another entrance.

GBW
Hey guys, we have visitors!
And they’re not the friendly,
wanna jump in bed with you
kind either. Guys?
(sees BOBO)
Oh… Hi Bobo.

BOBO
GBW. BOBO hungry…..
BOBO WILL FEAST!!!
(lurches toward GBW)

GBW
What the hell???
(picks up a knife from a nearby table, and plunges it into BOBO)
That was…. weird.
(calls out to the others)
Hey guys, wait for me!

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees BOBO’s remains)
Cool! Pink applesauce!
(eats BOBO, then passes out upon swallowing)

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(strolls in)
Hey! This is a nice place they’ve got.

KIT
Y’know, this ship is a lot like ours….
(smirking)
Except that it’s a little longer…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(smirking)
Not just a little…

DOCTOR WHAT
(oblivious)
I wonder where everyone is?

MATT
(looking at the assortment of guns on the wall)
I wonder if they’d notice any
of these just disappeared…

All of the guns suddenly come to life and point at the AH.COM group.

MORGOTH
(from ceiling)
This is Morgoth. If you don’t leave immediately
I’m going to blow all of your heads off.

MATT
What the hell? They have internal defenses?
(shakes head)
I feel sad now.

THE DOOM THAT CAME TO SARNATH
(runs in with a bazooka)
You heard the ship AI! Get out!
(looks at Landshark’s outfit)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
My eyes!!!!!
(runs away, screaming)

IRONYUPPIE
(runs after him with bat in hands)
How dare you insult Shark Boy like that!
That’s my job!

The sounds of a scuffle, and then someone yelling “MOMMY!!!” can be heard.

LANDSHARK
Hey Yuppie! Save some for me!
(runs after her)

MORGOTH
Uhhhh…. OK then……..
So are you guys going to leave, or
am I going to have to kill you all
in an extremely bloody R-rated shootout?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Fine, we’ll go. C’mon guys.

They all trudge out. KIT is the last one to leave the room.

KIT
Y’know, your voice is extremely sexy…

MORGOTH
GO!!!

KIT
Oh, fine…

As he runs out, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk into the room.

LANDSHARK
Well, that was fun.

MORGOTH
Ah, screw this.
(all the guns make clicking sounds, and aim at the duo)
I might as well just kill you both.

IRONYUPPIE
(pulling out her bat)
Oh yeah?

We zoom out of the room, and strange screeching sounds are heard from inside.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The OTLers are all lounging around in the room, while the AHers are all tied up near the door to the room.

TURTLEDOVE
(spraying OTL.COM WAS HERE on the bulkhead)
Well, now that we’ve rounded up all those on
board for torture, it’s time for us to go. I’m just
sad that there weren’t any kittens.

RAMPAGING COW
Can you shut up about the kittens?
Kittens are cool.

TURTLEDOVE
Which gives me another reason to hate them…

COR
Why didn’t I get to kill anyone….

We hear the voices of LEO, TORQ, GBW, and G.BONE as they approach.

TORQUMADA
YOU KILLED BOBO???

GBW
What? He was going to eat me.
What would you do in my position?

TORQUMADA
I’d let him.
(sniffles)
Not again…

LEO CAESIUS
Shhhhh….. guys, be quiet.
I think I heard something…
(walks into room)

They come face to face with the heavily armed OTL crewmembers.

G.BONE
Hey. This isn’t the Weapons Bay!

TURTLEDOVE
(laughs)
The OTL ship would like to say hi..
(he blows a giant hole in LEO’s body)
Hi.

GBW
Oh my god, they killed Leo!
Those Bastards!

TORQUMADA
You two stay here. I’ll take
Leo’s head and go for help.
(runs away with Leo’s head)

GBW
OK- wait! You’re just going to leave us here???

COR shoots G.BONE in the arm, knocking him out, and then aims gun at GBW, who runs out as fast as he can

COR
Damn, the other one got away.
But at least I got to shoot one…

Everyone edges away from him.

TURTLEDOVE
Um….. OK then.

COR
I hate all of you, you %$%*’s.

TURTLEDOVE
(shoving the tied up AH.Com members into a Popemobile Go-Kart)
You little sadist, you.
Ok everyone, lets go!

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was strange. I’m not too
sure that they really wanted to see us.

DIAMOND
Of course they didn’t! They would’ve killed us!

DOCTOR WHAT
So? I’ve died before.

DIAMOND
Forget it.

OTHNIEL
(sadly)
I didn’t even get to show them the right way.

STRAHA
(taking some pot out of his pocket and lighting up)
Dude…. We were lucky to get out alive…
Wait a sec, why are you thinking about
that kind of stuff? Did it wear off already?

OTHNIEL
What??? You gave me drugs?

STRAHA
Well, you weren’t complaining or anything.
I just slipped it into some of that tea that
you were drinking…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, aren’t we missing someone?

All of a sudden IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK pop out of the teleporter. They look very satisfied, especially IRONYUPPIE.

DOCTOR WHAT
OK then…
Well, it’s good to be back home.
Leo? We’re back!
(gets no answer)
Leo?

GLEN FINNEY
I don’t think he’s there…

TORQUMADA comes running into the room with LEO’s head in his hands. GBW follows him by a few seconds.

TORQUMADA
We’re under attack!

DOCTOR WHAT
What??? From who?

TORQUMADA
Them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What, the OTLers?
(laughs)
That’s silly, Torq.

LANDSHARK
THEIR LEO WAS GOING TO
KILL US, FOR GOD’S SAKE!

DOCTOR WHAT
(backs away from LANDSHARK)
Well, if “they” are attacking, Torq,
then how did you get away?

TORQUMADA
Oh, um…
(quietly)
I… ran like a chicken with it’s head cut off.

GBW
Me too.

OTHNIEL
(snickering)
Cowards.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and the OTLers walk in, pulling the Go-Kart behind them.

COR
Goodie. More prey.

COR shoots his AK-47 at OTHNIEL, who raises his Bible to deflect it. The Bible sends the bullets flying back at Cor, who vanishes when they hits him. Maniacal laughter is heard.

STRAHA
(to OTHNIEL)
Dude. Can I like… look at that thing if… we survive? I’ll give you some more of the stuff.

OTHNIEL
Uh….. sure.

The battle begins in earnest. IRON YUPPIE runs around with her bat, hitting friend and foe, while MATT opens fire with his BFG. The OTLers pull out little pink Inuit Barbie dolls and throw them at the AH.COMers in return. In the center of the room, TURTLEDOVE walks up to DOCTOR WHAT.

TURTLEDOVE
So.
We’re not so different, you and I.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.
Come to me, Number Two!

KIT
(stops attempting to seduce CRISCO and walks over)
What is it, Doctor Evi- I mean What?

DOCTOR WHAT
This is my… sidekick, KIT.
KIT, this is my opposite.

KIT
You know, you two really aren’t different.
(looks at Turtledove’s crotch, smirking)
Nope, you aren’t.

TURTLEDOVE
What the hell?
No, when I said we’re not so different,
I was asking if you hated cats too.

DOCTOR WHAT
How could I hate cats?
I have one.

TURTLEDOVE
Cool. Can I kill it?

DOCTOR WHAT
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MYNX!!!
(rips the duck out of TURTLEDOVE’s hands and throws it on the ground)
You shall pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TURTLEDOVE
(looks down at duck)
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Come OTLers! We must escape
to fight again another day!

JOE
But… we were winning.

IVAN
We were???

TURTLEDOVE
Quiet, you fools! Hurry up!

The OTLers pile onto the transporter and get out one by one while the AH.COMers just watch. WENDELL is the last one left.

WENDELL
(looking at the AH.COMers)
Eh, I’m staying with you guys.

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone plug Leo back in!
We need to get out of here
before they can get all of
those weapons shooting at us!

LANDSHARK
(sardonically)
I thought they were supposed to be “friendly”?

DOCTOR WHAT
(oblivious)
Not anymore!
(looks at the AH.Commers in the Go-Kart)
What should we do about these guys?

IRONYUPPIE
Who cares?

DOCTOR WHAT
To the control room!

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Are you back online?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes Captain.
We leave this area in 10 seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT, got anything to
cover our cowardly fleeing?

MATT
Just the thing, Doc.
(chuckling)

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get going, while the going is still good.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

A vortex suddenly appears, and the AH.COM ship plnges into it.

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

TURTLEDOVE
(runs in)
MORGOTH! Where are they?

MORGOTH
Uhhhhhhhh………..

TURTLEDOVE
Never mind.
(sits down at console)
I’ve locked onto their energy signature.
We should be following them right about now…

EXT – SPACE – DAY

A vortex appears, just like the one that the AH.COM ship went into. But before the OTL.COM ship can follow them, there is a series of huge explosions detonating around the ship..

INT – OTL.COM SHIP –MEETING ROOM – DAY

Explosions and smoke fill the Bridge of the OTL.COM ship. People are screaming.

To Black:

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Some of the AH.Commers are helping the captured crew members out of the Go-Kart, while the others stare at the main view screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
No sign of the other ship?

LEO CAESIUS
None. A vortex was being opened,
but it collapsed moments later.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
So we won.

LEO CAESIUS
Running away does not constitute winning.

DOCTOR WHAT
In my book it does.
(into com)
Hey, MATT. What did you leave behind?

MATT
A little surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sarcastically)
Thanks for the explanation.

LEO CAESIUS
You know that every shift ship
we’ve come across has attacked us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, we’re just loved across the Mulitverse.
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ve got
some serious drinking to do.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

MICHAEL
(walking in)
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHEEP STATUE???

END ACT II

TAG

INT – OUROBOROS – BAR AREA – DAY

KIT, DOCTOR WHAT, WENDELL, and WEAPON M walk in, with MICHAEL walking behind them nervously. IAN is dressed as Karl Marx tonight, instead of Groucho, and waves to the group as they walk in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was a hell of an adventure, huh?

MICHAEL
(shaking)
I still can’t believe that they
destroyed the sheep thread…

WEAPON M
Don’t worry, kid. There’ll be another one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why’d you stay with us, Wendell?

WENDELL
Well, you all seemed somewhat
less weird than them. Somewhat.
Plus you did blow up their ship.
So my staying on board was a
good choice, it seems.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we’ll be seeing the OTL.com
Ship around, one of these days.

WEAPON M
Damn. We never manage to completely
destroy out enemies, do we?

DOCTOR WHAT
What would be the fun if we did.

WENDELL
How many people are out to kill you?

MICHAEL
A lot.

Everyone nods glumly.

WENDELL
I think I’ll stay in the Hub for a while.

IAN
So, what will you guys be having tonight?
The special is More and Bigger PM’s…

KIT
(grins)
Hmmm……… That sounds pretty good…

DOCTOR WHAT
Kit, you joker!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, Kit, you sure you want to drink
that? It looks kind of… weird.

A gulping sound is heard.

KIT
I feel funny…

THUD!

KIT hits the floor.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS