TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A wormhole opens above the Earth, and the AH.COM SHIP emerges out of it, settling into orbit.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Most of the crew is gathered around DOCTOR WHAT, who is listening to LEO CAESIUS.

LEO CAESIUS
This world is most unusual. Something has happened to
drastically alter the population balance of the USA and
Canada. There are only about 30 million inhabitants.
Mexico seems as normal, but has massed most of its
army on the US border. The nations of Asia and Europe
have stationed fleets along both coasts. It seems the two
nations are under quarantine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any signs of plague or nuclear warfare?

LEO CAESIUS
No. But all the cities are abandoned there.
Civilization is limited to a few fortified
compounds, with bands of nomads in between.

DOCTOR WHAT
What did you mean that the population
balance was drastically altered?

LEO CAESIUS
85% of the population is made up of
attractive young women.

DOCTOR WHAT
85%?! Well. I feel it is my duty to lead
a team there and personally greet them.

DIAMOND
Yes, I feel that this mission
requires my presence too.

MATT
I should go too, as it sounds like it is a dangerous place,
and all those women might need me to look at them…
I mean, look after them.

DAVE HOWERY
As chief engineer, I should go and see if they have anything
that needs repaired… power plants, vehicles, beds…

DOCTOR WHAT
Forget it Dave, you’re still banned

DAVE HOWERY
That’s not fair! You never let me go anywhere fun!

DAVE HOWERY storms out, muttering and cursing.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew clamors to be included.

DOCTOR WHAT
QUIET!!

KIT
Didn’t you hear Leo? The continent is quarantined!
We don’t need anything there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? Not even booze?

LEO CAESIUS
No. The liquor stores are still half full.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought we’d have run out by now.

Everyone looks at GREY WOLF, who glares back.

GREY WOLF
What? You’re all bloody weeping about how
I drink too much and how I keep pissing in the
Teleportation Room. Now you’re whining about
how I don’t drink enough?
(pulls out a flask from his pocket)
There’s no pleasing you lot is there?
(drinks flask empty)

KIT
So, there’s no reason to go down there!

DIAMOND
Are you kidding?! There’s a whole continent down
there where men are outnumbered by women 8 to 1!
Hell, even Dave would probably get laid.

DAVE HOWERY
(nodding)
You have to love desperation…

DIAMOND
They’ll be wanting to get their hands on any male around!

KIT and ABDUL HASHI PASHA look at each other in horror and flee the control room.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LAND OF THE SUPERMODELS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM-

The lucky members of the away team are lined up, looking smug and happy. They are MATT, WEAPON M, GBW, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and DOCTOR WHAT. The rest of the crew looks disgruntled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just a thought. Since most of the continent is
populated by women, should we take our one
and only female crew member along?

IRON YUPPIE
Can’t. Landshark has been naughty
and I need to discipline him.

LANDSHARK nods from the corner where he’s bound and gagged. .

OTHNIEL
Is this a good idea? It sounds dangerous, and
we don’t need anything. Not even the women…
you still have your huge pornography collection
stored on the computer.

LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
I feel so dirty…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, and with my new triple layer security around it,
you won’t be able to erase it! Besides, porn doesn’t
compare with real live women. To the shuttle!

The sound of frantic running feet.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM shuttle is seen rocketing over the Earth, heading towards the Great Lakes area.

INT- AH.COM SHUTTLE-

GBW is piloting the shuttle, while the rest look eagerly out the window. DOCTOR WHAT sniffs and looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is that smell?! Did every
single one of you put on cologne?

MATT
Absolutely not! A little aftershave
maybe, but not cologne.

DOCTOR WHAT
Cut back next time, all of you.
Where are we landing?

GBW
Near one of the fortified compounds,
by Sault Ste. Marie in Michigan.

EXT. – OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE – NIGHT-

The shuttle lands smoothly in an open field, the door opens, and the ramp slides out. The entire crew rushes the door at once and gets jammed up. DOCTOR WHAT finally squeezes through and the rest fall down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get up, you idiots! If there were
hostiles here, we’d all be dead!

MATT
Who cares? Where are the cuties?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not here, obviously. Form up and let’s go look.

The away team readies their weapons and starts moving to the north. They only take 10 steps when MATT, on point, steps on something that cracks.

MATT
What the…. Damn! It’s a skeleton!

The team spreads out to look, and the camera shifts to their POV. It pans to show dozens of skeletons on the ground, skulls and bones scattered far and wide.

WEAPON M
Jesus! They’ve all been gnawed on!
Something ate all these people!

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap! I should have known!
Is it too much to ask that we
find a timeline where nookie is
free and easy?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If we did, we probably wouldn’t leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
True. Well, this changes things.
GBW, we can’t risk losing the shuttle…
stay with it.

GBW looks like he is going to argue, but he looks at the skeletons and nods. He walks back up the shuttle ramp and sits at the controls. He powers up a spotlight and shines it ahead of the team. A man is revealed in the beam. It is HERMANUBIS, dressed in camouflage fatigues and carrying a rifle.

HERMANUBIS
Are you guys insane? Put that light out!
Don’t you know it will attract them?
They always hunt more at night!

DOCTOR WHAT
Who are they? And why are you
out here at night then?

HERMANUBIS
I was scrounging for supplies in the ruins…
ran out of gas and ammo… oh no!

HERMANUBIS spins around, and a redheaded woman steps into the light. It is Alyson HANNIGAN, wearing a simple bloodstained shift.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh. My. God. Alyson?!
(wipes slobber from mouth)

HERMANUBIS drops his rifle in numb fear. A second Alyson HANNIGAN, identical to the first, steps into view, and then three more. All stare intently at HERMANUBIS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(drops to knees)
I’ve died and gone to Heaven…

HERMANUBIS screams and turns to run, but the Alysons all leap on him. One tears out HERMANUBIS’ throat with her teeth, while the others begin messily devouring him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alysons! What are you doing?!
Stop that! Bad Alysons!! Bad!!
Do it to me!

The Alysons all look up from their meal and stare at PSYCHOMELTDOWN. They hiss and start moving towards him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes, come to me, my Alysons.
Come to me….

DR WHAT grabs PSYCHOMELTDOWN and pulls him back.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at the Alysons)
Oh, God. Forgive me!
(to MATT and WeaponM)
Take ‘em out!

MATT and WEAPON M cut loose with all weapons, and the Alysons drop dying and snarling on the ground.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
A… Al… Alyson!
(screaming)
NOOOOOOO!!

MATT
I feel sick…

WEAPON M
(patting MATT’s back)
It had to be done.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN curls into a ball, sobbing. Loud banging from the rear is heard. The team turns to see the shuttle being overrun by dozens of vicious TARA REIDs. They are on the roof and on all sides, beating on it with sticks and bones. More Taras are running up the ramp (which GBW neglected to close) and into the shuttle. Two revolver shots are heard, then nothing. More Taras are running madly towards the team.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy sh… shoot ‘em!

MATT and WEAPON M fire into the advancing Taras, while DOCTOR WHAT drags PSYCHOMELTDOWN to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
The shuttle’s gone! Let’s head
north to that compound… now!

The team runs off to the north, pursued by dozens of TARA REIDs. Dozens lie dead around the shuttle, but more are in pursuit.

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- COMPOUND- NIGHT

The camera shows a large wall surrounding several buildings. The battlements are bristling with searchlights and weapons. A man on the wall can be seen pointing to something out of view.

ANGLE POV MAN ON BATTLEMENTS. At first, all that is seen is darkness lit up by flashes of weapons fire. Then, the away team runs into view, MATT and WEAPON M firing behind them as they move. The away team moves off camera, and seconds later, a horde of celebs move into the scene, a mass of beautiful women snarling and hissing.

POV FRONT GATES OF COMPOUND.. The away team is moving that way, but the gates stay shut. The away team turns at bay, and the horde of celebs fans out in front of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let us in, damn it!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alyson….

DOCTOR WHAT
Would you shut up about her… them… already!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I always wanted to be bitten by Alyson Hannigan.
But not like this… NOT LIKE THIS!!

VOICE (off screen)
Cover fire! Open the gates!

A storm of gunfire blasts off of the wall into the celebs, and they fall back. The gates swing open and a fire team in fatigues runs out, M-16s at the ready. They are DRACONIS NOIR, NRED, MERRY PRANKSTER, and DOMINUS NOVUS. Two massive forms behind them come into view: 20’ tall Mechs with .50 cal machine guns for arms and the words ‘Michigan Militia’ painted on their chests. A soldier can be seen piloting each Mech from a cockpit in the ‘head’.

DRACONIS NOIR
Get inside! Move move move!!

The away team runs through the gates, followed by the mechs and fire team, who back up warily, shooting into the celebs as they retreat.

INT. – THE COMPOUND- INNER COURTYARD- NIGHT

The away team looks around the courtyard. The mechs are moving off camera, and the fire team pulls off their helmets. DRACONIS NOIR faces the away team angrily.

DRACONIS NOIR
Why the hell are you wandering
around out there at night?

DOMINUS NOVUS takes a close look at WEAPON M and straightens to attention.

DOMINUS NOVUS
Captain! You’re with this group? But how….

VOICE (OS)
That’s not me, sergeant.

Both teams turn to see ATL WEAPON M standing in a doorway. He wears military fatigues and a single .45 Colt automatic at his belt. He walks over to the away team, looks over them suspiciously, and finally looks at WEAPON M.

ATL WEAPON M
You better explain yourselves. Quickly.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
OK. Can we sit down? This’ll take a while.

INT. – COMPOUND- MESS HALL- NIGHT

The away team is seated at a table, with ATL WEAPON M across from them.

ATL WEAPON M
That’s the strangest story I’ve ever heard.
You’re a bunch of dimension hopping explorers?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes.

ATL WEAPON M
And you saw that there were millions of
young women here and just came flying
on down hoping to get some? Without
checking into the situation any further?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… yes.

MATT
(sighing)
I haven’t had tang in days…
(off DOCTOR WHAT’s look)
Er…Months…

ATL WEAPON M
I see. I am sorry about your
shuttle, but they have it now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, ‘they’. What caused this nightmare?

ATL WEAPON M
It’s not certain. A few years ago, every
young pretty celebrity disappeared. They
reappeared a few months later, but everyone
soon noticed that there were more than
one of each and that they were eating people.
The best guess is that it is some bizarre
cloning experiment gone wrong. The
governments tried to stop them, but more
and more appeared every day. They over-
whelmed the army, the police, and finally
the civilians. Luckily, I had the Michigan Militia
to build this place, and I brought in whatever
survivors I could find.

MATT
But why are they eating people?
In most timelines, these people
don’t eat much of anything and
I bet that people are fattening.

ATL WEAPON M
We have an idea about that. From what
we can tell by dissecting their bodies, all
the celebs have a type of organic modem
in their brains. We can detect a signal being
broadcast to their brains, but we can’t
find out where it’s coming from. Still,
it seems obvious the celebs are being
controlled by it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait a minute! A CLONING experiment?!
Did this whole thing start in Canada, by chance?

ATL WEAPON M
Yes, around Ottawa, from what I’ve heard. Why?

The away team all groan in frustration, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who hunches in his chair.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(muttering)
If he’s not a porn star, he’s a mad scientist.
Why can’t he be just a simple government
employee or something like that?

WEAPON M
Let me guess… somewhere near Ottawa is a
huge science lab named What Laboratories or
What Research Labs, or something like that.

ATL WEAPON M
Why, yes, the What Research Center.
Is that the cause of all this?

DOCTOR WHAT hunches even lower in his chair.

MATT
Probably. Well, we can solve your problem
for you. But how do we get there?

DOCTOR WHAT
Let me talk to Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT takes out his com unit and switches it on.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! You there? Come in, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
Arrrhhhh!!! Slow down, damn you all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? What’s going on?

LEO CAESIUS
Dr! Everyone who wanted to go on the
mission and didn’t is trying to download
your porn collection! I can’t keep up
with all the requests!

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell them to stay out of my lesbian sex toy movies!
Those are all mine! Mine! MINE!!

Everyone looks at DOCTOR WHAT in surprise and disgust.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind. Leo, I’m looking for an active computer
emitting a radio signal somewhere near Ottawa…
can you see it?

LEO CAESIUS
Ottawa? What did your counterpart do this time?
Wait… found it. It’s 10 miles southeast of Ottawa.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. If I hook up the com unit to that
computer, can you hack into it?

LEO CAESIUS
Certainly. It’s a primitive machine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! I’ll get back to you.
(turns to the others) .
Well, we can do it, but we
still have to get there.

ATL WEAPON M
We do have one stealth helicopter left.
Now that we know where to go, we can
let you use it. It has the range easily.
How about I send a pilot and some extra
personnel for firepower with you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds like a plan.
Let’s get prepared.
We’ll leave at first light.

WEAPON M
So, we’re not getting laid?
Damn.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – COMPOUND- INNER COURTYARD- DAY

The away team is ready to go. DRACONIS NOIR, DOMINUS NOVUS, NRED, and ATL WEAPON M are nearby. The first three all have M-16s and backpack satchel charges.

ATL WEAPON M
Dominus will be your pilot, and
the others will be extra guns.
You might need them.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at NRED)
Wait. You’re just a kid!
You shouldn’t be going.

NRED
So what?! I wanna go too!

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me one good reason why I should.

NRED
Becauuuuse… I’m a pretty young lesbian
and you can’t resist me.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can too!

NRED looks at DOCTOR WHAT and slowly licks her lips.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, you can… no! You’re not going!

NRED
I like girls.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring slack jawed)
Ok, you can go.

The camera switches to DOMINUS NOVUS, sitting in the cockpit of the helicopter, flipping switches and revving up the rotors. He stops and looks around as a low rumbling sounds is heard. The camera switches back to the away team, who all stagger as a low tremor rolls across the compound. Suddenly, a hole opens under a section of the wall, which collapses. A swarm of snarling celebs pours out of the hole.

DRACONIS NOIR
They’ve tunneled under us!

MATT
(muttering)
Well, duh, Captain Obvious.

The camera switches to the two militia Mechs. Another hole opens up beneath one of them, and it topples over. Another swarm of celebs climbs out of this hole. The pilot of the other mech starts to climb up to the cockpit, but a pair of ANGELINA JOLIEs pulls him down and the celebs make short work of him. The camera switches back to ATL WEAPON M, who draws his pistol.

ATL WEAPON M
Get going! Now!

ATL WEAPON M runs out of the scene. The team runs to the helicopter, where DOMINUS NOVUS now has it ready to take off. The team ducks the blades and piles into the chopper. WEAPON M pauses and looks back, and the camera switches to his POV. ATL WEAPON M stands in the middle of his militia, shouting orders and firing his pistol. WEAPON M climbs onto the helicopter and it lifts off, barely ahead of a pack of CHRISTY BRINKLEYs that runs onto the helipad. The camera climbs with the helicopter, and the team is seen looking down out of the windows. The camera switches to a high shot over the compound. The horde of celebs is overrunning the last of the militia, and finally, there is no resistance left.

Fade to black.

EXT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- DAY-

The camera focuses on a large brightly lit building. There is an open door on one side, and a steady trickle of celebs moves out of it, fanning across the countryside. The camera closes in on one of them, a SHANNON ELIZABETH, who stops and looks up. The stealth helicopter flies into view and hovers over the center.

INT- STEALTH HELICOPTER-

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, this is certainly the place.
Let’s land on that helipad at the
back of the facility.

WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- HELIPAD- DAY-

The helicopter has landed and shut down. The team has exited the aircraft, except for DOMINUS NOVUS, still in the cockpit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember, Dominus, any sign of celebs,
and you take off. We can’t lose the chopper.

DOMINUS NOVUS nods and shuts the helicopter hatch. The team moves towards a door on the largest building. The center is eerily quiet, except for the low hum of machinery. The team pauses by the door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, two things we need to do.
First, find the computers and
hack Leo into them. Second,
blow up the cloning facilities.

MATT
Third, find your counterpart here
and slap him around for creating
this whole mess.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, he might have had a
good reason for doing it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, every timeline needs
packs of cannibal celebrities.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just open the door.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN cautiously opens the door, peeks inside, and motions to the rest to move inside.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- MAIN HALL-

The team is moving down a long corridor, passing several doors. Signs on the doors read “Nuclear Fission Applications”, “Penguin Genetic Manipulation”, “Oversized Rodent Program” and “Orbital Laser Control”. The team stops in front of a door that reads “Cloning Genetic Sources”.

DOCTOR WHAT
This looks promising.

MATT
What gave it away, asshat?

INT. WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- CLONING GENETIC SOURCES ROOM – DAY

The team is seen entering the room. They see a huge chamber with dozens of large glass cylinders. Each is filled with a bubbling clear fluid and a woman is suspended motionless inside, eyes closed.

DRACONIS NOIR
Is this where the clones are made?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, they are all different. I think these
are all the original celebrities! They’re
in suspended animation.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly gasps, runs forward to a cylinder, drops to his knees in front of it, hugs it, and plants wet sloppy kisses on the glass. The original Alyson HANNIGAN is inside it. DOCTOR WHAT sees a door at the opposite end of the room and points to it. MATT drags PSYCHOMELTDOWN from the cylinder, his lips coming loose from the glass with an audible pop. The team stops in front of the door, which has a sign reading “DOCTOR WHAT’s Private Quarters. Please Knock”. The team pushes through the door without knocking.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- DOCTOR WHAT’S PRIVATE QUARTERS- DAY

The room is furnished with only a huge canopied bed and an armoire. The team spreads out to look around. WEAPON M walks around to the foot of the bed and sees a skeleton sprawled on the floor there.

WEAPON M
Who’s this? Is this the Dr.?
You’ve looked better…

MATT
He’s dead? So, is this whole place running
on autopilot? Maybe all we need to do is
shut the computers down.

A high pitched laugh is heard coming from the armoire. MATT walks softly over to it, and yanks the door open. A bald hunchbacked dwarf stumbles out. It is LUAKEL (who suffered several genetic accidents in the womb in this TL) .

MATT
Awwwww! What a cute little gnome!
Can I kill it?

MATT pats LUAKEL on the head, and he waves his little arms irritably.

LUAKEL
No touch! Luakel no like intruders!

DOCTOR WHAT
Why were you hiding?
Are the celebs after you?

LUAKEL
Celebs like Luakel! The Master made clones
for his harem. Master was going to make one
clone each and let originals go. Master controlled
clones with computer. Clones no like Luakel
at first and treat him bad. But Master died while
performing oral sex on Jessica Simpson. Now
Luakel is the Master! Luakel change computer
so that many clones are made, and they like
Luakel, and they eat everyone else. Soon,
clones eat all others, and Luakel be alone with them!

WEAPON M
Why, you little runt! You are
the cause of all this disaster!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, Luakel, we’re going to shut down
your production line here.

LUAKEL
Luakel think not. Get them!!

The team turns and sees a pack of celebs in the doorway. They pour into the room and more smash their way in through the windows. MATT tosses LUAKEL back into the armoire, and the team fires at the advancing celebs.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s another door over there! Run for it!

The teams runs towards the opposite end of the room. DOCTOR WHAT opens the door and sees a corridor. The team runs down it, with NRED at the rear, backing up quickly and shooting at the celebs swarming after them. The hall ends at a cross corridor, and the team moves down the left hallway. NRED doesn’t see this, and she stumbles and falls backwards. On the ground, she shoots a snarling JENNIFER ANISTON that is running at her. Seconds later, she shoots a GWYNNETH PALTROW in mid leap, dropping her to the ground. NRED jumps back to her feet and empties her clip into the celebs, who pause and step back for a moment. NRED turns and runs into the cross corridor. She pauses, obviously confused… the rest of the team is nowhere in sight. NRED runs down the right hand corridor, unknowingly the opposite direction.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

The team runs into the room and slams the door shut. Looking around, they see 10 massive supercomputers, all blinking and beeping and doing mysterious computer things. DOCTOR WHAT runs over to one of them and looks at it a moment. He pulls out his com unit and hooks it up to a data port.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! The link is in place.
Can you take control?

LEO CAESIUS
Processing.

A series of loud thumps on the door draws everyone’s gaze. The door crashes down and snarling celebs charge into the room in overwhelming numbers.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- CLONING CHAMBER-DAY

NRED is seen running through a doorway. She stops, eyes wide in shock. The camera switches to her POV. The room is huge and domed. In the center of it is a giant bloated ROSANNE BARR, shackled and chained. Instead of a normal human posterior, it has a long thorax that is suspended over a conveyer belt. The thorax is laying large green pods onto the belt, a steady stream of them being carried to an exit on another wall. The pods are translucent and attractive female forms can be seen twitching inside them. The camera switches back to NRED, who looks behind her. A pack of celebs stands in the doorway, but are apparently forbidden to enter this room. NRED looks back at the ROSEANNE BARR and then hauls the backpack satchel charge off her shoulder. She pulls the lanyard, throws it at the feet of the ROSEANNE BARR, and turns to run. The noise rouses the ROSEANNE BARR, who emits a piercing shriek. NRED falls down, hands clamped over her ears. The satchel charge explodes, shredding the ROSEANNE BARR. NRED gets shakily back onto her feet, pieces of Roseanne falling around her.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM-

The celebs have poured across the whole room. One tackles PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who struggles for a moment, and then realizes it is an Alyson HANNIGAN. He hugs her tightly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, Alyson, if only… ouch!…
you would stop… ouch!… trying
to eat my face, we could… ouch!…
be so happy together…
ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!

DRACONIS NOIR is standing his ground, firing into the celebs, when a floor panel behind him crashes open. Several female arms reach up and drag him down with well manicured hands. His scream is heard briefly before it cuts off suddenly. MATT is doing well, plasma rifle and power armor keeping him safe. A JENNIFER GARNER sneaks up behind him and dumps a bucket of water all over him. MATT’s power armor sparks, smokes, and locks into place. Unable to move, MATT falls down. Celebs beat on him with shovels and crowbars.

MATT
Damn it, Howery, you said you’d fix this!!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is checking items off of his ‘things to do’ list. He pauses when he sees a line that says “waterproof MATT’s power armor.”

He shrugs and mumbles ‘oops.’.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT faces the celebs alone.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s times like these that I wish
I wasn’t totally incompetent
with all types of weapons.

An ANNA NICOLE SMITH moves up to DOCTOR WHAT, hands circling his throat and bosom pinning him against the wall. Her teeth are bared as she prepares to chew his face off.

LEO CAESIUS
(voice booming through speakers on the walls)
I… HAVE… CONTROL.

The ANNA NICOLE SMITH releases DOCTOR WHAT. All the celebs stand still, eyes closed, as if listening intently.

LEO CAESIUS
Processing. Reprogramming.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- LUAKEL’S QUARTERS– DAY

LUAKEL is reclining on a couch. An ELIZA DUSHKU, a JENNIFER CONNELLY, and a MARIAH CAREY are caressing him and feeding him grapes. Suddenly, the three celebs stop, stand up, and close their eyes.

LUAKEL
What you do?
Touch Luakel!
Feed Luakel!

The celebs open their eyes and look down viciously at LUAKEL. He barely has time to scream before they lunge at him.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT looks around as NRED runs into the room. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is still hugging the now-quiet Alyson HANNIGAN and touching her in ways that are totally inappropriate for a girl he just met. MATT is still pinned in his frozen power armor and cussing mightily.

DOCTOR WHAT
We finally have control of this mess.
But what should we do now?

LEO CAESIUS
Dr.! The programming has a fail safe code!
My takeover has triggered the self destruct
program and I can’t shut it down. You have
20 minutes to get away.

MATT
Just great! Would you all mind
dragging me out of here?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait!
Give me ten minutes!

EXT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- HELIPAD- DAY-

The stealth helicopter, team all aboard, lifts off and flies away.

INT- STEALTH HELICOPTER- DAY

The team is looking out the windows, back towards the research center… except for MATT, who was tossed facedown on the floor. The research center suddenly vanishes as a huge pillar of fire and smoke consumes it. The away team all go ‘oooooh’ and ‘aaaahhh’.

MATT
I can’t see anything!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, you missed it anyway.
Now lie there like a good boy.

MATT
(muttering)
I’ll get all of them for this.

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY-

The helicopter lands near the shuttle. The away team exits the chopper, dragging MATT with them. DOCTOR WHAT waves to DOMINUS NOVUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the lift!
Good luck with the rebuilding.

DOMINUS NOVUS and NRED wave, and the helicopter lifts off and flies away. The away team walks cautiously up the ramp to the shuttle.

WEAPON M
Poor GBW. Do you think they
left enough of him for the med lab
to fix him up?

DOCTOR WHAT
I doubt it, but let’s check.

INT- AH.COM SHUTTLE—DAY

The away team steps into view. The camera pans to show the interior of the shuttle is messy and a little battered, but no extensive damage. There is no sign of GBW.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn! They must have eaten every scrap of him.

A loud thump is heard from the rear of the shuttle. A panel opens, revealing a cold storage locker. GBW falls out of it, teeth chattering, hands shaking, icicle hanging from his nose and ears.

GBW
Y-you l-l-left m-m-me here t-t-to f-freeze.
W-w-when I c-c-can hold a g-g-gun again,
I’m g-g-going t-t-to k-k-kill y-you all!

GBW passes out and falls down.

Pull back

Fade out.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY-

The team has repaired all the damage and is preparing to leave. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is dragging a huge duffel bag towards the ramp. DOCTOR WHAT looks at it. Something is obviously alive in the bag and struggling to get out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is that what I think it is?! Let her go.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah, come on! There are hundreds of
her here. They won’t miss just one!

A rip opens in the bag and a shapely female leg lunges out, foot connecting solidly with PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S groin. His eyes pop open wide and he sinks to his knees.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(high squeaky voice)
Never mind. I don’t
want her right now.

The bag rips wide open and a disheveled Alyson Hannigan pops out of it. She glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN and runs away. The final camera scene shows her running into the setting sun, the music of “Born Free” playing as the scene fades to black.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS