TEASER

EXT.- LUXURIOUS CRUISE SHIP DECK – DAY

We pan slowly over the deck of a huge and expensive looking cruise ship. We see (from left to right) DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, KIT and IRONYUPPIE lying on some chairs, enjoying the sun.

MATT
Doc—did I mention to you that I’m really
loving this idea of yours! ‘Let’s find a world
where they are NOT trying to kill us’ you said.
‘Let’s sell some stuff and take a real vacation
for a change’. Brilliant!

KIT
Yup! I totally agree with the big guy here, Doc!
Although—you have to admit that the fact that
all those porn DVDs got a lot higher resale value
than expected was a bit of a bonus.

IRONYUPPIE
Well—the fact that nearly all the stars in those
movies are legitimate politicians and models in
this TL probably had something to do with that.
By the way, Doc—thanks for taking a bullet for
the team and agreeing to sell all your DVDs

DOCTOR WHAT
Eh—I had to get some new ones anyway—
they were getting kind of worn out.

The four AH.commers lean back into their chairs.

We see three stunningly beautiful people in skimpy bikinis—a redheaded female, a brunette female and a tall blonde male—walk towards a bar near the AH.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
I would do the redhead.

MATT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

MATT
I’d do the brunette.

KIT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

KIT
I would do the blonde.

IRONYUPPIE shifts her sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into her chair.

IRONYUPPIE
I did all three of them last night.

REACTION SHOT: The three male ah.commers stare open-mouthed at IRONYUPPIE. She grins and shrugs.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE SHIP SANK – DEAL WITH IT”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – LUXURIOUS CRUISE SHIP ‘U.S.S. TITAN’ – DAY

Huge vessel crossing the screen.

Pull in toward the ship, fade to:

INT. – BAR – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF sitting in front of a chess board. However all of the chess pieces have been replaced by shot glasses filled with different colored liquids.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bishop to Queen’s rook six!
(moving a shot glass to one square. He drinks the shot glass that was occupying that square)
Check!

GREY WOLF
Knight takes bishop!
(drinks a shot glass as well)
Er…why are there two boards…..?

DOCTOR WHAT
(a beat)
…I see three of them….

EXT. – SWIMMING POOL – DAY

We see MATT sitting in front of a large group of bikini clad women.

MATT
(pointing at a scar on his arm)
…I got this pulling a puppy out of a burning building…

WOMEN
….awwwwwwwwww….

INT. – SAUNA – DAY

We see KIT sitting in a hot tub with JUSTIN PICKARD and NOMADICSKY

KIT
…oh, so you like long walks on the beach too….

INT. – LOUNGE-DAY

TORQ is talking to a woman dressed like a hippy with an acoustic guitar on her lap

TORQ
…yeah, I can prescribe drugs and everything….

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ – DAY

We see LEO in his robot body. His robot body looks like something out of a Leonardo DaVinci wet dream. He’s sitting next to laptop computer.

LEO
…if I may be so bold, you have a
really amazing pair of speakers…

LAPTOP
(giggling)
Tee-hee-hee! You’re so sweet….

INT. – ANOTHER LOUNGE-DAY

WEAPON M is talking to two smiling women.

WEAPON M
I’ve had a threesome!

INT. – CAFE-DAY

IRONYUPPIE is talking to a well-dressed couple.

IRONYUPPIE
…really? Do you have the
handcuffs in your cabin now?….

INT. – BAR-DAY

DAVE HOWERY is talking to a woman. We see that she’s wearing a prominently placed button that says ‘Canada Sucks!’

WOMAN
…so how hard can it be? A few battalions
of mecha warriors and those Canucks will
surrender almost immediately. Then the
U.S. will take its rightful place as ruler of
all of North America.

DAVE HOWERY
(drooling)
…marry me….please….

INT. – ANOTHER BAR-DAY

HENDRYK is talking to a petite Asian woman.

HENDRYK
Really? You read anime too?!

INT. – DANCE CLUB – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE and OTHNIEL are sitting at a table with several other women.

FIRST GORGEOUS WOMAN
Oh—we find engineers so hot!

SECOND GORGEOUS WOMAN
The only thing I find hotter than
engineers are cute virgin Christian males
between the ages of eighteen and twenty!

OTHNIEL
(blushing)
….uh….

INT. – SHOOTING RANGE-DAY

LANDSHARK is shooting at targets. There’s a tall and vaguely psychotic looking blonde woman next to him.

PSYCHOTIC BLONDE
Oh sure—the Colt M1911 is a reliable gun
but nothing beats the Glock 37 for
sheer stopping power….

LANDSHARK
(awestruck)
Uh-huh….

INT. – YET ANOTHER BAR-DAY

DIAMOND is talking to a ‘biker chick’

BIKER CHICK
(showing off a tattoo on her bicep)
I got this in Cuba!

DIAMOND
(showing off a tattoo on his arm)
I got this one while on leave in Spain!

INT. – ANOTHER DANCE CLUB-DAY

We see GBW, DMA and MICHAEL. They’re eyeing several women who are giving them appreciative looks.

GBW
Which one you want?

DMA
The mean and dirty one.

MICHAEL
You’re a sick man, DMA…

DMA
Damn straight I am.
(takes a pull of his beer)

INT. – GENTLEMEN’S CLUB – DAY

ABDUL is talking to an immaculately dressed swarthy young man.

SWARTHY YOUNG MAN
I despise Ikea stores—I think they are
a pox upon society! Things have been
going downhill in our world ever since
the Ottoman Empire collapsed if you ask me.….

INT. – YET ANOTHER BAR – DAY

THANDE is chatting with a young woman.

WOMAN
…and that’s how I managed to perfect a
technique to make radioactive chloroform…

INT. – CLOSET – DAY

STRAHA is sitting in the closet with a woman smoking a huge joint.

STRAHA
…and that’s how the Giant Sheep religion started…

WOMAN
Wow…I’ve never been with a real prophet before….

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP-NIGHT

We are in the very bowels of the ship. The passenger room is the size of a small closet and has water pipes hanging from the ceiling. Brown water drips from one of the pipes.

GRIMM REAPER
Report!

FORTYSEVEN
Virtually the entire crew is
aboard the ship, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent! With just one stroke we
can wipe out all our enemies forever!

FORTYSEVEN
How are we going to kill them?

GRIMM REAPER
(deep in thought)
I’m thinking…..something involving….an iceberg….
(stroking an orange cat sitting on his lap)

FORTYSEVEN
(rolling eyes)
(sotto voice)
Yeah—real original….

INT. – DECK ZZ -PASSENGER QUARTERS-STERN OF SHIP-NIGHT

We see a dingy passenger quarter—possibly even more dingy than the one we just saw. We see the back of a mysterious figure speaking into a communicator.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Is everything set up?

COMMUNICATOR VOICE (OS)
Everything will be set up in about an hour, sir.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Excellent

Mysterious figure puts communicator away. He turns around and we see that it is…the MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(talking to the camera)
Hey—I DID say I’ll get my
revenge back in episode one….
(laughs insanely)

INT. – SHIP CORRIDOR – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT staggering down a corridor. He manages to get to his room and, after about three tries, manages to open his door. We see a black cat poke its head out the door for few seconds then quickly runs back inside the room.

EXT. – DECK – DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE walking along the deck. She passes by a couple that’s standing at the very bow of the ship.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
Oh—these last few days have been wonderful!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
I thought that I was happy by myself but
these last few days have shown me the
errors of my ways. You completed me!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
And you complete me, darling!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
Don’t you wish that everyone
can be as happy as us?

During this entire conversation, we see that IRONYUPPIE is getting increasingly more and more annoyed. She actually looks sick to her stomach.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
Darling! Kiss me and show me that
this is not some dream!

They kiss long and passionately. IRONYUPPIE looks like she’s about five seconds away from losing her lunch. The couple stops kissing and the man actually gets onto the railing of the ship.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
I’m King of the World!

IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes and turns around and walks towards the couple, who have their backs to her. IRONYUPPIE suddenly pushes the couple off the railing. We hear a loud high pitched screaming from the couple and—after a few seconds—a distant splash. IRONYUPPIE nods her head and walks away from the railing.

IRONYUPPIE
I hated that fucking movie…..

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL – DAY

We see most of the AH.commers are sitting around at various tables eating and drinking to their heart’s content. We see pretty much the entire crew except LEO, DOCTOR WHAT, and IRONYUPPIE. Many of the AH.commers are with newfound ‘friends’. For some strange reason, there is a large decorated Christmas tree near one end of the room. A group of nuns are sitting at one table singing folk songs. One of them is playing a guitar.

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Is everything set up?

FORTYSEVEN
Yup—a big-ass iceberg will be teleported
into the path of the ship in just a few minutes.
This baby is going to sink in nothing flat!

GRIMM REAPER
(stroking his cat)
Excellent….

INT. – DECK ZZ – PASSENGER QUARTERS – STERN OF SHIP- DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Are we set up?

COMMUNICATOR VOICE (OS)
Tsunami coming your way in just over 2 minutes….

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT hits a button on the communicator. With a slight humming sound, we see MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT enveloped by a sparkling white light and slowly begins to fade from view.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(sneering)
God—I’m so evil….

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT teleports completely away.

INT. – MAIN DECK – EVENING

We see IRONYUPPIE walking along the deck. It’s almost sunset and she seems to be the only one on deck. She’s staring out to sea deep in thought. She suddenly does a double take and looks to her right. We see what looks like a black smudge on the horizon. The smudge starts getting bigger….and bigger….and bigger…

IRONYUPPIE
(quietly)
Oh….crap….

IRONYUPPIE starts running.

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL – NIGHT

We see assorted AH.commers drinking and eating and having the time of their life. DIAMOND is sitting at a table when he notices his glass shake and slowly slide off the table.

DIAMOND
What the…?

INT. – DECK ZZ – PASSENGER QUARTERS – BOW OF SHIP – NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN.

GRIMM REAPER
What’s that sound?

FORTYSEVEN
Beats me—iceberg’s not going to
be teleported for another 5 minutes…

EXT. – MAIN DECK – NIGHT

We see IRONYUPPIE run to a maintenance hatch and frantically try to pry it open. We see, on the horizon behind her, a very large tidal wave coming towards the ship.

IRONYUPPIE
C’mon you stupid piece of…

With a loud squeal the hatch opens and IRONYUPPIE flings herself down the hatch just as the tidal wave is about to hit the ship.

EXT. – CRUISE SHIP – HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT – NIGHT

We see a massive tidal wave wash right over the cruise ship. For a few seconds it looks like the ship is doing okay—but then it suddenly capsizes.

INT. – SHIP-MAIN DINING HALL- NIGHT

Massive pandemonium as tables, chairs and numerous people are flung in every direction. All the lights go out.

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP-NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN get flung around the room.

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

We see a laptop computer sitting on LEO’s lap. LEO is smoking a cigarette. The laptop has a large image of a lit cigarette on its screen. We suddenly see the two of them get flung about the room.

EXT. – CRUISE SHIP – HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT – NIGHT

We see the cruise ship now floating on a relatively calm sea. It is now completely upside down.

INT-PASSENGER DECK-NIGHT

We pan slowly along the deck. The entire ship is upside down, with the floor now the ceiling and the ceiling now the floor. Debris of all kinds has been flung about the area. We see that the new ‘floor’ has an inch or so of water—and the water level is getting higher with each passing moment.

We see a room door slowly open. We see DOCTOR WHAT come out of the room. He stares for a very long moment at all the chaos. He looks at the floor and the ceiling and then back at the floor again and then sighs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL –NIGHT

We see the remains of the hall scattered about. Slowly at first but increasing rapidly, we start hearing groans coming from lots of people slowly digging their way out of the piles of debris. We see DIAMOND, MATT and WEAPON M crawl out of one pile.

DIAMOND
What the HELL was that?

WEAPON M
Where’s the rest of the gang?

MATT
Somewhere around here…
I think. I’ll look around.

MATT and WEAPON M stagger off looking for more survivors. DIAMOND’s communicator suddenly starts beeping.

DIAMOND
(answering communicator)
Hello?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
You guys alright?

DIAMOND
Doc? Yeah –we’re ok here, I think.
We’re still digging ourselves out.
What the hell happened?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
Tidal wave hit us. Capsized us right over.
We’ve only got about 5 or 6 hours before
the ship sinks completely. Our only chance
of escape is to climb up to the lower engine
room and cut our way out of the ship.

DIAMOND
Why can’t we teleport out?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
Because everyone started complaining
about being left behind so we just parked
the ship in orbit, remember? I can’t reach
LEO and without him, we can’t interface
with the ship, so we have to do this the
hard way. Remember, you guys gotta get
to the lower engine room within the next
6 hours or you’re dead. I’m going to make
my way there and hopefully we can hook
up at some point. Oh—and keep an eye out
for IRONYUPPIE—I can’t reach her either.

DIAMOND
Will do. Hey Doc—how do you know so
much about what happened and what to do?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS
Saw it on a movie.
Speed 2. Have you see it?
It’s the greatest movie ever made…

DIAMOND
(a beat)
Okay…
Meet you in the Engine Room.
(shuts off com)

DIAMOND looks around the Dining Hall. We see that there are a great many survivors (many of them wounded) . Nearly all of the AH.commers can be seen as well. DIAMOND looks at the exit of the Hall, now located about 20 feet above the ‘floor’. He spots the Christmas tree leaning against one wall—and smiles.

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

LEO staggers up off the floor. He looks around and spots the laptop computer—now lying shattered on the ground.. He rushes to the laptop and holds the shattered remains in his arms.

LAPTOP
….Rosebud….
(dies)

OVERHEAD SHOT LOOKING DOWNWARDS-INTERNET CAFÉ

LEO
(facing upwards at the ceiling)
Noooooooooooooooooo!

INT. – LOWER DECKS – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN walking through a wrecked corridor.

GRIMM REAPER
Now, the question is
“Who capsized the ship”?

FORTYSEVEN
I don’t know…
( a beat)
It wasn’t us though.

GRIMM REAPER
( sneering)
Obviously!

They come to an intersection.

FORTYSEVEN
I say we go right

GRIMM REAPER
I say left.

FORTYSEVEN
Well—I’m going right!

GRIMM REAPER
Fine! I’m going left!

FORTYSEVEN
We wouldn’t be having this argument if
you hadn’t accidentally sat down on the
communicator! We could have teleported out!

GRIMM REAPER
Weren’t you going somewhere?

FORTYSEVEN storms off.

GRIMM REAPER turns left and keeps going. Behind him, we see an orange cat following him.

INT. – LOWER DECKS – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor. There’s a black cat trailing behind him. DOCTOR WHAT turns a corner—and nearly walks into GRIMM REAPER

They stare at each other in shock for a few seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Why am I not surprised
that YOU are here?

GRIMM REAPER
This is just perfect!

DOCTOR WHAT
You know—at any other time—
I’ll be happy to get into a fight
with you but I’m kind of
pressed for time so…

GRIMM REAPER
Not so fast there—we’re going
to have this out once and for all…

As they argue, we see the two cats hiss at each other. We hear a loud groaning sound—and suddenly, a chunk of the deck collapses—taking the two cats with it. We hear cat screams and a loud splash.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mynx!

GRIMM REAPER
Pumpkin!

DOCTOR WHAT and GRIMM REAPER rush to the edge of the hole. We see nothing but a turbulent pool of water. Both men leap into the water. We see the two men frantically splashing and diving around in the water. After a few seconds, both men come up to the surface, each holding a cat. They manage to make it to the hole and climb out back onto the deck they were in before.

We see that each man is holding the other’s cat. There’s a very long embarrassed pause—then each man exchanges cats. The cats look really miserable looking but otherwise ok.

Long uncomfortable pause. Each man is looking at everything around them except each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
So….

GRIMM REAPER
So….

DOCTOR WHAT
Uhhh….
(a beat)
So…how’s the whole ‘being evil
and destroying the cosmos’ thing
working out for you?

GRIMM REAPER
Has its up and downs
(beat)
How’s the whole ‘being good and
saving the cosmos’ thing working out?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, you know–comme ce, comme ca….

GRIMM REAPER
Heard you almost died again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Meh—happens every couple of weeks—
I’m used to it….

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…

DOCTOR WHAT
So…..

GRIMM REAPER
So….

Extremely long uncomfortable pause.

GRIMM REAPER
Ward’s officially vowed to kill you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Has it already been a year?

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…
It’s become a tradition now, almost.
We have a potluck and everything.
Merry makes the best mashed potatoes…

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, I can’t believe he’s
still holding a grudge.

GRIMM REAPER
You know Ward.
He holds grudges…

DOCTOR WHAT
For five years?
I already said I was sorry.

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…
I’m thinking at this point he
just wants to see you dead…

Long pause.

GRIMM REAPER
(points to water)
Is the water rising?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks at water)
Yeah, I think it is.

GRIMM REAPER
I think we should leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, I think so too.

They both get up and look around.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well! I’m going to go this way!
(points in one direction)

GRIMM REAPER
I’m going to go this way!
(points in a completely different direction)

DOCTOR WHAT
It was …uh…nice catching up!

GRIMM REAPER
Same here!
Though the next time we see each other
I’m going to have to kill you, y’know.

DOCTOR WHAT
Same here.

GRIMM REAPER
Bye!

DOCTOR WHAT
Bye!
(a beat)
Wait!

GRIMM REAPER stops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why capsize the ship with you still on it?

GRIMM REAPER
I didn’t capsize the damn ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then who did?

GRIMM REAPER
Beats the hell out of me.
(continues walking away)

DOCTOR WHAT stares after him and then shrugs.

They continue walking off in different directions, followed by their cats.

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL –NIGHT

We see the Christmas tree leaning against the wall. A large group of passengers and AH.commers are slowly climbing their way up the tree and to the exit.

DIAMOND
So—how many?

MATT
127.

DIAMOND
We have to lead 127 people up
18 decks? In less than six hours?

MATT
Unfortunately.

DIAMOND
Can’t we just leave them behind?

MATT
We can’t do that! We’re the good guys!
Leaving them behind would be cruel
and vicious and just plain bad!

DIAMOND
And that’s wrong……how?
(sees MATT’s reaction)
Fine….we’ll take them.
Where’s KIT?

MATT
He’s tending to the injuries of the
Spanish Men’s Olympic Swim Team.
It seems to involve a lot of
massaging for some reason….

DIAMOND
Where’s HENDRYK?

MATT
Tending to the injuries of a large group
of female Asian exchange students. He
mentioned something about showing
them his ‘etchings’…

DIAMOND
MICHAEL?

MATT
Saw a redheaded female—
ran screaming down a corridor.
We’re still looking for him.

DIAMOND
GREY WOLF?

MATT
He found the Captain’s
secret stash of absinthe.

DIAMOND
STRAHA?

MATT
He and OTHNIEL are having another
fight over whether worshipping Giant
Sheep is considered idolatry.

DIAMOND
LANDSHARK?

MATT
Shooting at random targets with
a psychotic blonde he picked up.

DIAMOND
By the way—what’s up with
him and IRONYUPPIE?

MATT
They’re on a ‘break’—seems they got
into an argument over who’s suppose
to wear the French maid outfit and
who’s suppose to be wearing the
pink day-glow strap on.

DIAMOND
(long pause)
Do I really want to know which one
was suppose to wear the maid outfit
and who was suppose to-

MATT
(shaking head violently)
No.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
We’re going to die here, you know that?

INT. – PASSENGER DECK-NIGHT

We see IRONYUPPIE walking through a half-flooded deck. Her clothes are ripped, her hair is messed up and she’s carrying a large piece of metal railing.

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering to herself)
‘We’ll go on vacation—it would be fun – you
need to relax—what can possibly go wrong?’.
I am so going to pound that short swarthy
loony when I see him…

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

We see LEO sitting in a corner. He’s drinking a large bottle of cheap motor oil and singing a Morissey song (off key) . He finishes his song, empties his bottle and staggers away.

MONTAGE OF SCENES—TO THE TUNE OF DRAMATIC JOHN WILLIAMS-LIKE MUSIC

We see quick clips of all the

AH.commers climbing up stairs.

Scrambling up improvised ladders.

Swimming through flooded decks,.

Breaking down doors.

Leaping through burning rooms.

Swinging on torn ropes.

And fighting killer sharks and giant octopi.

We see the Dining Hall AH.commers come across a passed out LEO and carry him on their backs.

We see DOCTOR WHAT turn a corner and nearly run into IRONYUPPIE. There’s a brief moment of shock and surprise and the two hug each other. Then IRONYUPPIE suddenly pushes DOCTOR WHAT off of her, picks up her metal club and starts chasing DOCTOR WHAT down a corridor.

INT. – ENGINE ROOM- DAWN

We see DOCTOR WHAT (with a crude bandage wrapped around his head) and IRONYUPPIE pound down a door and enter the engine room. A few seconds later, another door is pounded down and we see the rest of the AH.commers (with numerous other passengers behind them) enter the room as well.

DOCTOR WHAT
Glad you guys made it!
How’s everyone?

DIAMOND
Doing ok. We’re having trouble
waking LEO up, though. He got
into some really cheap motor oil.
He’s going to pay for it when he wakes up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—we might as well get to work and
cut a hole in the hull and get out of here.

They get to work. After a few moments a hole is cut and we see the survivors slowly making their way out.

EXT. – SHIP HULL – DAY

We see all of the AH.commers and passengers standing on the bottom hull of the ship. We notice that the ship is very low in the water. We see a small ship approaching.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn—this sucker is going
to sink in just a few minutes!

VOICE FROM BOAT
Hello there! We have come to rescue you—
but we have room for only 70 people.
You have to choose.

DOCTOR WHAT
They have GOT to be kidding us!
How do we choose?

DIAMOND
All of the AH.commers go plus the
old women and children. That still
leaves us…uh…18 to pick.

IRONYUPPIE
Well—I’m not going without all the…
er…’friends’ I made on this trip.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine.
(turns to crowd)
All those who slept with
IRONYUPPIE, raise their hand.

Sixty-nine hands (both genders) raise up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(annoyed)
You got to be kidding me.
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Do you even know the meaning
of the word ‘restraint’?

IRONYUPPIE
A device that restricts
movement or retards motion
(beat)
(looks at DOCTOR WHAT)
You’re 5’6’’ and 140 lbs, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-no—5’5’’ and 130lbs.
Why do you ask?

IRONYUPPIE
No reason
(sotto voice)
…must remember to make
adjustments…

LEO slowly wakes up.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Buddy! We need your help!
We need you to interface with the
ship and activate the teleporter and
get all of us off this ship!

LEO
Huh…wha?…tele-wazzit?…

Ship sinks a few more inches into the water. The hull is barely a foot above the water.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grabbing LEO’s head in his hands)
LEO. Teleporter. People. Off. Ship. Now!

LEO
Right!
(closes his eyes—we hear some mechanical humming noises)

DIAMOND
(pointing to the horizon)
Hey. Look.
The ship capsized before it could
hit that iceberg, straight ahead…

The entire crowd of people—passengers and AH.commers alike—are enveloped by a bright white light and with a loud buzzing sound, they vanish—just as the ship sinks completely beneath the waves….

EXT. – SPORTS ARENA – AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAME-DAY

We see a player run down an open field. The entire crowd is screaming with joy. Suddenly—just as the player is about to make a touchdown, a bright light suddenly envelopes the entire field—and we see over 150 people suddenly appear on the field, knocking the player to the ground—and losing the game in the process, judging by the sudden yelling of the crowd.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
What the fu-
(beat)
Awkward.

WHACK!

DOCTOR WHAT gets sacked by a huge burly player. Moments later the rest of the team piles on, burying him from sight.

Pan to weakly waving hand,.

Pull back.

Fade out.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, KIT and LEO sitting at a table. LEO is clutching his head.

LEO
Hangover hurt…pain…
brain… not working…

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t you transfer into your AI Core?

LEO
Too… much pain… to transfer
…must rest…first…
(passes out)

KIT
I’m worried—without LEO,
the whole ship is computerless.

DOCTOR WHAT
Relax KIT—the ship survived a few
days without LEO—we can survive another
few hours without incident. Besides—
after our adventure—what more can
possibly go wrong?

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We suddenly see all the lights and power go off all along the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and KIT shivering in the dark.

DOCTOR WHAT
(each word is practically spit out)
Not. A. Fucking. Word. From. You.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS