TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The room is empty with a pad and a facing console. A chair faces the pad and there is a door leading to the rest of the ship. Sitting on the chair is G.BONE, doodling on a pad, checking his wristwatch, and then on the console. He goes back to doodling until there is a sound from the com.

DOCTOR WHAT (On com)
G.Bone! Beam us up right now!

G. BONE sits up in his chair, puts the pad aside, and presses a button to the loud speaker.

G. BONE
Where are you? I can’t quite pick up on the scanner!
(Pokes around on the console for dramatic effect)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
( sounds of gunshots in the background)
G.Bone! Stop jacking off in the
Teleportation room and beam us up NOW!

GREY WOLF
(Cutting right after PSYCHOMETLDOWN has shouted, at a higher pitch)
Yeah! And if it’s the porn from my room
it’s your money that’s getting me new tapes!
Fuck.
(more sounds of shooting)

DR. WHAT
Wait a minute-
porn in your room?
You mean MY porn?

GBW
You mean the porn of
Jennifer Garner or Lexa Doig?

Sounds of someone falling over break up the conversation.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
My Bad-

G.BONE shakes his head and pushes something on the console. There is a shimmering effect on the pad with PSYCHOMELTDOWN, GBW, OTHNIEL, and ARCHANGEL MICHAEL appearing on the pad. GREY WOLF looks around.

GBW
Where’s Dr. What?
(Looks around)

OTHNIEL
(Jumps in joy)
We’re alive!

G. BONE presses another button, looking concentrated, and DR. WHAT appears, holding a gun towards G. BONE. G. BONE ducks as the gun goes off, hitting the wall.

DR. WHAT
Oops.
(Lowers the gun)
Sorry about that G. BONE. I was
shooting at some vampires – and
the strangest thing-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?

DR. WHAT
No. Some hunk that
KIT would have liked-

KIT suddenly comes through the doors, looking perplexed

KIT
Has anyone seen my Tom Welling poster?
G. BONE- surely you didn’t-
(Spots DR. WHAT and the rest of the team on the pad)

DR. WHAT
Come to think of it-
I think it was Antonio Sabato Jr.-

KIT
(Gasps in shock)
Where???

DR. WHAT
This vampire I shot down on the planet.

KIT
WHAT? You shot -
(a beat)
NOOOOOO!!!!!!

DR. WHAT
(Patting KIT on the back)
Now Kit. Come to my quarters and
let me ply you with alcohol and make
you forget all about this.
(winks at everyone as they head out)

G. BONE frowns and reaches for the doodle pad.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SYMPATHY DAY”

Written by : G.BONE

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT is crying in the corner near a similar looking console. LEO CAESIUS is looking through some dusty tomes. DIAMOND is talking with PSYCHOMELTDOWN with some strange contraption between them that resembles a machine gun with stakes. G. BONE has just arrived in the elevator.

KIT
(Sobbing with great many tears
They- they – they killed my lover!
To whom shall I ever dress up and
pander to when I have the urges at
midnight with a Sailor Moon Costume!

Everyone in the control room starts to shudder.

LEO CAESIUS
(Looking up from the dusty old tomes in KIT’s direction)
You know in Ancient Persia they had
a practice that if translated into English-

DIAMOND
(Cutting LEO off
You know- there’s always
Ben Browder to consider.

KIT
(Stops sobbing
Yes- but he’s…so…
(Starts to acquire a dreamy look)
He was wearing leather right?
Tight leather, like a Speedo-

G. BONE walks over to KIT and coughs in his hand.

G. BONE
Um…Kit- I was wondering about
the wiring that I called you for-

KIT
(Continuing his line of thought)
And then there would be Antonio- nothing on, -
(Breaks off, noticing G. BONE standing nearby)
What wiring?

G. BONE
The wiring that helps the scanner grab life signs-

DIAMOND
He means the teleporter Kit-

KIT
Oh-
But shouldn’t you talk
to DAVE about that?

G. BONE
(Scratches his ear)
Well- he’s kind of busy at the moment-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WEAPONS BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is crouched over a large cannon that resembles…a very large cannon. There are several various machine parts scattered around his person. SBEGIN is holding a very large red target sign and is looking up to DAVE HOWERY who is reaching for a very large crystal rod near him.

SBEGIN
So- why do I have to wear this sign?

DAVE HOWERY
(Busily tinkering around with the cannon)
Because I need to test this cannon against the –
(Stands up, assumes a dramatic pose)
Hated Canucks that dare to defy the
Great American Horde that will fly
the Stars and Bars from the pillars of
Whitehall, Ontario, and the precious
Newfoundland Plain!

SBEGIN
But isn’t Newfoundland an island?

DAVE HOWERY
(Gives SBEGIN an evil look)
Quite you fool! Now- Go yonder and
assume the position of the hated Canucks!

SBEGIN looks towards the end of the hall

A strange looking female goat with the label “GIRLS GO FISHING” is busily grazing on some carrots. There is a familiar looking target sign that also hangs from the goat’s neck.

SBEGIN
But I don’t want to turn into a goat!

DAVE HOWERY
(Turning to the cannon and grabbing the crystal rod)
It won’t hurt a bit!
(to himself)
Well, maybe a little bit.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

LUAKEL lies on the bed with everything covered except his legs, which resemble octopus’s tentacles. His arms are lion’s paws and his face resembles a squid’s.

LUAKEL
(Groans)
If only I had listened to Diamond…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMETLDOWN is near the wall and pulling out stakes from the bulkhead.

KIT
Well- what about Wendell? I’m sure
he’s not busy to help you with that-

LEO CAESIUS
He was the first volunteer for Dave’s laser shotgun.

KIT
How the heck did he do that?

G. BONE
Dave bribed him with …porn.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What porn?

G. BONE
Something with a red headed girl-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? There’s porn with my
dear lovely Alyson around?
(Grabs G. BONE and shakes him)
Who dares sully the Alyson in such a manner?
Where is it? Where is it?
(continues shaking G. BONE)

G. BONE
Um…Last I heard Cockroach had it…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NOOOOOOO!
(Runs out of the room)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY– DAY

COCKROACH is shuffling through a couple of DVD’s. He pauses at one with the title “VAMPIRE WILLOW DOES A STRIP TEASE WITH OTHER WILLOWS”.

COCKROACH
This isn’t the porn that I wanted-

LUAKEL
(Off screen)
But it’s porn!
(Starts rasping in a strange voice)
I want porn my little friend! Oh yes!
I want porn! My little precious wants to see porn!

COCKROACH
(Takes a long hard look at LUAKEL)
Umm…right.
(Beat
So- it’s about lesbian vampires…

LUAKEL
So? At least it is porn!
(Groans)
Just play it!

A pause.

COCKROACH
Do you find it weird that
we’re watching porn together?

LUAKEL
No. Why?

COCKROACH
Just wondering…

COCKROACH shrugs and hits the PLAY button on the DVD player.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The face of LEO clouds the camera and then pulls back.

LEO CAESIUS
That wasn’t Wendell!

THE CAMERAMAN (Off screen)
Sorry! There’s so many of you guys on board!

LEO CAESIUS
I know it’s becoming such a hassle.
I was getting annoyed by all the
ignorant questions.

THE CAMERAMAN (Off screen)
Tell me again why there’s so many on board?
I see a lot of new faces.

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Well. We rescued this pod shot from this earth
we were visiting. Seems they were all banished.
Though we still haven’t found out why… I figure
we’ll drop them off on some other planet we come to.
We’ll be finally free of the smell.

GREY WOLF (Off screen)
Damn it, Leo! Quit chattin’ up the help
and get your arse back to work!

Sound of smashing glass. Then a heavy thud. Then camera goes dark.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WEAPONS BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is now sitting at the rear of the cannon. SBEGIN is standing at the far end of the room, right where GIRLS GO FISHING is grazing.

SBEGIN
(Shouting)
Here?

DAVE HOWERY
(Shouting)
No- back further!

SBEGIN walks backwards, stepping on WENDELL, who looks like a very large turtle with flippers, a head of a cow, and the legs of a wolf. WENDELL gives SBEGIN an evil eye and starts walking away to a box labeled “COW FEED”. There is another box sitting nearby named “MAKU” with a sticker below saying “DANGEROUS- DO NOT OPEN”.

WENDELL
I love my cow feed. Yes I do-
I love my cow feed.

SBEGIN
(Shouting)
You know – I’m having
second thoughts about this!

DAVE HOWERY
(Shouting)
Yep- that’s it!

There are sounds of a large machine drawing power.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DIAMOND is busily sleeping on LEO‘s books. LEO kicks him off and DIAMOND gives him a dirty look.

KIT
Well- there’s other people on board that you can call-
I’m much too busy with my own life – especially with
this new white silk garter I got from that lovely world
where Antonio was President and everyone was so friendly…

G. BONE
Listen- Kit – if you help me with the wires-
I’ll tell you where the cloning vats are.

KIT
There’s cloning vats on board?

G. BONE
Yes. Dr. What’s famous “cloning vats”.
I can even transport an Antonio here and …

DIAMOND
Wait a minute- Dr. What has cloning vats?
And he didn’t tell us?

G. BONE
Why do you think Dr. What took hostage of
that Hilton girl when you guys visited that
world last week?

DIAMOND
That’s very…interesting…

KIT
How many can Dr. What
breed out on those vats?

G. BONE
A lot.

KIT
How much is a lot?

G. BONE
You know how Dr. What seems
to be all over the place when he’s
really somewhere else?

KIT
Hmmm- well I’ll help you with the
wiring as long as you give me that location –

DIAMOND reaches for a piece of paper.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A SECRET PLACE – NIGHT

KIT, DIAMOND, and LEO are sneaking along a causeway. Below them are huge vats with pods that resemble rocket ships, although minus the pointed cap and engine. There are sounds of machines going on. In the distance there is light and some …sounds.

KIT
(Whispers)
This is the place! All we have to do
is to go down there!

DIAMOND
So this is where Dr. What
spends his nefarious time!

LEO
You know, in Ancient Somalia
they have a saying for this-

KIT
Shut up about ancient Somalia!
I’m going to get Antonio!

KIT goes down a flight of stairs leading to a large computer that resembles a very large television screen. DIAMOND and LEO follow.

DIAMOND
By the way Leo- how come you
didn’t notice this? You’re the
ship’s computer-

LEO
I was busy!

DIAMOND
Watching porn?

LEO
Good Heavens no! I was
visiting the ruins of Persia-

DIAMOND
Wasn’t that the time when we
visited the world where Rome
was around?

LEO
Ah- no. That was the one where
Egypt was around. I had met this
startling young archaeologist by
the name of Robert Phillips-

DIAMOND suddenly stops.

DIAMOND
Hey- wait a minute- if you’re here-
then who’s our ship’s computer?

LEO smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW, MAJOR MAJOR, JUSTIN PICKARD, and FLOCCULENCIO are sitting around. MAJOR MAJOR and JUSTIN PICKARD are dressed up with wires stuck up their heads and other things. However, it is MAJOR MAJOR who resembles a Borg or an animated salt-shaker with a human head on top.

MAJOR MAJOR
(In a monotone voice)
The Borg will destroy. The Borg will destroy.
Flee for your lives for I am the Cylon.

JUSTIN PICKARD
You’re not the Borg.
We’re the Computer.
We are infinite and wise.

FLOCCULENCIO
Right. And all the crown kings of
Scandinavia are bowing to you.

JUSTIN PICKARD
There is only one crown king and
all Scandinavia bows to my rule.

MAJOR MAJOR
(In same monotone voice as before)
Now showing- a documentary about
lesbian vampires with red hair…

FLOCCULENCIO
What????

MAJOR MAJOR
As shot by the infamous Bruno What
of mysterious origins- Shows many
inter-dimensional Alyson Hannigans
doing things that defy gravity and
all morals laid down by conservative
societies. Each of different origins
with black lace, black corset, and
tight leather- May not be permissible
for children over 55 years of age-

FLOCCULENCIO race for the exit.

GBW
Is there anyone else in the video?

JUSTIN PICKARD
(Kicks MAJOR MAJOR in the rear)
Um…no one except there is a Jessica Alba
person- under the weather- If you know what
I mean- it’s only in the last hour or so-
But it’s nothing really important-
(a beat)
Where are you going?

GBW races after FLOCCULENCIO.

MAJOR MAJOR
I am lonely.
Please comfort me,
Captain Bald Head.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Shut up
(Kicks MAJOR MAJOR in the rear)
I’m going to watch some porn.

All the screens suddenly are covered with Jessica Alba, dressed in a white chemise, and looking quite exited. Sparks suddenly explode from MAJOR MAJOR. JUSTIN PICKARD is relaxed.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Thank you G.Bone!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A SECRET PLACE – NIGHT

The three are further down the hallway with KIT almost to the last step of the stairway. DIAMOND is giving LEO a very hard stare.

DIAMOND
You mean to tell me that some
two peons are our new computer?
When did you have this ability?

LEO
It pays to know Richard Phillips,
technological archaeologist extraordinaire-

DIAMOND
I hope you didn’t give him any
of Dr. What’s porn-

LEO
Nope- he actually gave ME porn-
he said it concerned itself about
vampires or something to that effect.
I didn’t really pay attention-
just think of it- actual space
and time to move about the ship-
and not having to bother to stay
in that clutter of a motherboard-

DIAMOND
But that still doesn’t answer the
question that you’re here- talking to me-

LEO
Technology is God’s gift to mankind.

DIAMOND
Wait a minute- you didn’t kidnap Robert-

LEO
Robert who? I know of no Robert
in the crew manifest-

KIT
Shut up! You’re breaking my concentration!
I have to get Antonio back or I’ll have to return that
Sailor Moon costume to the tailors!

LEO
Brook Brothers?

KIT
No- DMA’s handiwork-

DIAMOND
DMA does handiwork?

LEO
You know- I haven’t seen DMA for the longest time-
(Runs into a large box)
By Odon’s Sacred Hammer of San Diego!

The three stand before a massive computer with large boxes scattered about saying “CLONE CONTROL- DO NOT TOUCH”. There are three screens with a whole lot of knobs, keyboards, and other gadgets. KIT pulls out a flashlight and opens a piece of paper.

KIT
Now- G. BONE said that all I needed
to do was to feed this into the slot-

KIT presses a button. The computer lights up with Lexa Doig dressed in a tight leather costume that does not leave much to the imagination appears on the main screen, dressed in very provocative clothing.

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Welcome to the lab.

DIAMOND looks around, noticing something on the ground. He picks it up.

DIAMOND
Hey- isn’t this the scribble that G. Bone always draws?

LEO walks over to DIAMOND.

LEO
Yeah- that looks familiar…

KIT gives the two a dirty look and presses more buttons. The face of Lexa Doig fades away to show various numbers and sentences.

Suddenly there is a sound over the loudspeaker- sounding like Dr. What’s voice-

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Listen- Dave- This is the sixth
time I’ve had to clone SBEGIN.
You can’t simply use all of our
new crewmates as target practice.

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Come on! She’s an evil Lurker.
You remember what happened…
In the Pub.
(begging tone)
Please???

KIT, DIAMOND, and LEO have a face of shock. KIT presses more buttons. DIAMOND gestures to KIT that they should vacant the premises. Then-

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Cloning comencing. Please
wait ten minutes for completion.

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Hey- who said that? Who’s there?

Lights flicker on with LEO and DIAMOND hiding behind various pods. KIT is enraptured by several images playing out on the screen and suddenly realize that DR. WHAT is there.

DR. WHAT
(Coming down the catwalk)
Kit! What the hell are you doing here?

KIT
Reproducing my lover so
that we may be together!

DR. WHAT
Err…okay…

KIT
I figured that if you can produce so
many Hilton clones than so can I.

DR. WHAT
But this isn’t my cloning lab-

DIAMOND
(Emerging from behind one of the pods)
It’s not?

DR. WHAT
No- mine is on the first floor-
right next to the cargo bay

Suddenly-

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Acquiring Biologic Nutrients for target-

There are screams as the various pods that he and DIAMOND were hiding behind suddenly grab LEO. DR. WHAT and DIAMOND rush to save LEO from the green long tendrils that ensnare LEO and carry him over to a large boiling vat.

KIT
Stop! Stop!
(Pressing buttons randomly)

DR. WHAT pulls out a large pistol and fires at the moving tendrils. The tendrils burst in pink flesh, dropping LEO down. DIAMOND, hesitating to catch LEO, stands right where LEO will fall, then at last second, pulls out a small device from his pocket and tosses it upon the floor. With a loud bang and a bit of smoke it turns into a trampoline.

LEO hits the trampoline.

LEO
(jumping up and down on trampoline)
Where did you get this trampoline?
(still jumping)
Look at me!
Look at me!

DIAMOND
I won it from Kilngirl during a poker game.

DR. WHAT
Along with that porn tape-

LEO
You mean your porn tape?

DR. WHAT
No- it wasn’t my porn.
My porn concerns itself with
Paris Hilton- And other women-

DIAMOND
Why don’t you admire some decent
women- like Alyson Hannigan?

DR. WHAT
I did. But Psycho…
He’s crazy.

DR. WHAT and DIAMOND both nod.

There are a lot of sounds as KIT finally presses a button.

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Process halted.

LEXA DOIG stops running her hand down her body, pouts, and disappears behind the bar that reads “Progress in stopping process 100%”.

KIT
Ah….

LEO
(Just noticing what was on the screen)
Darn!

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Process eradicated

KIT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Suddenly one of the other pods opens to reveal FORTYSEVEN

FORTYSEVEN
(Wakes up and looks around)
We’re in space?

Everyone looks at him.

FORTYSEVEN
What?
(a beat)
Hey! Why am I naked!

KIT
(eyeing FORTYSEVEN)
Anyone else cold?

DOCTOR WHAT
No. Actually it’s a bit hot in here.

KIT
(still eyeing FORTYSEVEN)
I figured as much…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP –CORRIDOR NEAR THE WEAPONS BAY – NIGHT

FLOCCULENCIO is walking with GBW, talking very loudly.

FLOCCULENCIO
…And then I said to Archangel Michael –
why don’t you make me a copy of the DVD-
and he said, “Well let me drive that naval
battlemech of yours –

GBW
Of course you said yes-

FLOCCULENCIO
Pffft. Like I would let the pride of the
Singaporean Naval technology in the
hands of some yuppie peon that doesn’t
know that a red target means kill me-

GBW
But the Willow Vampire tape!

FLOCCULENCIO
But I have a cunning plan that would
defy Archangel Michael’s nefarious greed!

GBW
Does it involve a turnip that looks the size of…?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes- because then we can make a key out of it-

GBW
Isn’t wax an easier compound for a duplicate key?

FLOCCULENCIO
Well- ever since the Empire forgot
about the Serene Republic – we’ve
been forced on hard times- and wax
has been taken over by the dastardly French-

Suddenly, DAVE HOWERY pops out of the door that leads to the weapon bay. GBW and FLOCCULENCIO stop. DAVE HOWERY puts on his best face.

DAVE HOWERY
Um- hello-

FLOCCULENCIO
Been firing that large cannon lately?

DAVE HOWERY
Only for defensive purposes!

GBW
Right. And bribing young cadets
into helping you is no coincidence?

DAVE HOWERY
No. By the way- have you seen
Kilngirl or Archangel Michael?

FLOCCULENCIO
No. Have you seen a DVD labeled
“Vampire Willow” circulating around?

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe. Does it have Jessica Alba at the
tail end of it cavorting naked on a bed?

GBW
Yeah-

DAVE HOWERY
I think I’ve seen it-

FLOCCULENCIO
So where’s Archangel Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
Well- he’s into making the newbies
into his mutant army- I have nothing
to deal with that-

GBW
Right. So- where is Archangel Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
Last I heard he was making haupia in
the Mess Hall. He said it would kill
every Canuck it came to contact with-
(Has a glassy look of joy on his face)
Maybe we can keep him around after
we toss this lot off at the next mudball
we come to.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Mutters)
If only the Empire was still around!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MED BAY– NIGHT

COCKROACH and LUAKEL are sitting on a bed. There is static on the TV, as if a DVD has just ended. Both of their faces are agape.

COCKROACH
Wow….

LUAKEL
Wow….

COCKROACH
The way that she…

LUAKEL
And how she …

BOTH
Wow….

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MESS HALL– NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is sitting at a table, sharpening a lance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(muttering)
Alyson.. Alyson…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL comes round with a table high with haupia.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
So- what’s up my fellow friend?

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
There’s a rumor that you have a
certain.. how shall we say.. video
of my dearly beloved Alyson…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
I have a documentary of lesbian vampires-
if that’s what you’re asking-
(Takes a spoonful of haupia and shoves it in his mouth)
Good to the last spoonful of honey.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Lesbian vampires?

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
All of the same Hannigan babe-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly drops his lance and takes out a large fish out of his pocket and slaps ARCHANGEL MICHAEL in the face. The head of the fish comes off and falls into ARCHANGEL MICHAEL’s haupia, and he takes a spoonful of that and eats it.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Tastes like chicken.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Now- where is that tape?
(Pauses)
How can you eat that stuff?
(Beat)
And where is that tape
before I impale you!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Well- yeah- but it’s going to cost you-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I do not deal with haupia eating fiends!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
(Takes a scoop of the fish and bites on it)
Needs more snake oil. I want a piece of shrubbery
to go with my lovely nightshade garden.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
You have a nightshade garden?
You’ve only been here a couple of days…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Sure- why do you think this haupia is white?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But it’s white! Nightshade is purple!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
I say- always mess around with Nature’s
Bountiful seasons of glory!
(Scoops the fish’s eye out and eats it)
Now- you do want this?
(Pulls out a DVD from his pocket)

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
YES!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Well- I’d like a white picket fence,
a couple of crystal rods, a clone of Jessica Alba…

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
A clone of Jessica Alba?

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Oops- sorry – wrong person- and
a turnip the size of an elongated pencil.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
I see…

Suddenly the butt end of the lance flies out and whacks ARCHANGEL MICHAEL on the head. He falls into his haupia. PSYCHOMELTDOWN picks up the DVD and strolls out of the Mess Hall.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Oh, glorious Alyson…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A HALLWAY – MIDNIGHT

OTHNIEL staggers from the room. All around him are clones of PARIS HILTON, LEXA DOIG, SAMANTHA CARTER, HOSHI SATO, and DEANNA TROI. He leaves the room, not really aware, and most certainly not stable. He finally gets to a dark room where there is a cloning vat below and a familiar computer console.

There are sounds below and OTHNIEL staggers so that he can see what is up.

Right below is KIT and several clones of some …well muscular toned man…cavorting on the floor. OTHNIEL’s eyes grow wide.

OTHNIEL
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(He falls into a coma)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – G. BONE’s QUARTERS- MIDNIGHT

G. BONE is busily doodling on a pad. There are several names on it. OTHNIEL’s name is crossed out. He is tapping on the name DR. WHAT. The pad is set-aside on a nightstand. There is a clone of Hoshi Sato sleeping next to him. G. BONE smiles.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MESS HALL– MORNING

FORTYSEVEN, DIAMOND, DR. WHAT, and LEO are sitting around a table. All except FORTYSEVEN have a stunned look on their faces.

DR. WHAT
I can’t believe what he did there-

LEO
Even Ancient Greece had it’s limits-

DIAMOND
The whole facility gone to waste-

FORTYSEVEN
So we actually were in space for the whole time?

ALL
(Bellowing)
Yes!

FORTYSEVEN
You don’t have to be so mean!
(Leaves the table, weeping)

DR. WHAT
I still can’t figure if he’s the original-

LEO
I figure no amount of reading
will get that out of my mind…

COCKROACH and LUAKEL walk to their table, their eyes still stunned. LUAKEL now has the torso of a goat, his arms resembling a lobster’s claws.

DIAMOND
What the hell happened to you guys?

LUAKEL
I have seen the light.

COCKROACH
We have seen it all.

DR. WHAT
(Waves a hand in front of their faces)
What happened to you guys?

COCKROACH
The horror.

LUAKEL
And always more to see
on the fifteenth time-

COCKROACH
Or the twentieth-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks in, not stunned per say, but satisfied to the point of he’s actually sane.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The glory of the Alyson has been put into
A movie for Psychomeltdown to
watch at his leisure. Oh, happy day.

LEO
What movie?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The movie that made me
swear off sheep- forever.

DIAMOND
Really?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes. My eyes have seen heaven.
And it’s name is Alyson…

DR. WHAT
Wait a minute- were you watching
my documentary on inter-dimensional vampires?

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
I have a goddess- Alyson.

COCKROACH and LUAKEL
Alyson. She is our goddess.

LEO
Wow. I have to see this-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GBW’s QUARTERS– MORNING

The room is a mess. There are fluids on the floor. GBW looks as if he’s in a catatonic state. FLOCCULENCIO is holding the TV, staring at the sounds and images of the movie. His hair is a mess. He stares at the TV mouth agape..

Suddenly ARCHANGEL MICHAEL strolls in, a bandage around his head, and picks up a large elongated turnip. The shadow looks…graphic. ARCHANGEL MICHAEL smiles.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Just what I pictured-
The right size for my army’s
poisonous spears, smeared
with the deadly powder of
the nightshade coconut!

GBW
Alba…. Alba…. Alba…

FLOCCULENCIO
Alyson…Alyson…Alyson

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
My work here is done!
(Leaves)

FLOCCULENCIO
Must see…again
(Presses the rewind button)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A CORRIDOR– MORNING

Four Antonio Sabato Jr clones that have no shirts on are carrying KIT away. KIT has a placid look, a look of utter appeasement, and silence.

Also accompanying them are clones of SAMANTHA CARTER, HOSHI SATO, and DEANNA TROI carrying OTHNIEL on a makeshift stretcher, looking utterly dead.

OTHNIEL
My eyes have seen hell-
My eyes have seen hell-
(Whimpers)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – G. BONE’s QUARTERS- DAY

G.BONE is kissing the clone of Hoshi Sato on the cheek. She stirs but does not wake. G. BONE is happy, crosses a couple of names off his list, and shoves it in his pocket. He leaves his quarters.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MAJOR MAJOR is a mess of various machine parts, a fried human body with open human eyes, and a goat’s torso. JUSTIN PICKARD is …brain dead…for a minute…then looks back to the elevator.

JUSTIN PICKARD
I wonder where Leo is?
He should have been here-
I don’t want to be in here forever.
(a beat)
These wires itch.

Scratches at forehead and protruding wires.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS