TEASER

EXT. – EMPTY BEACH- DAY

HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT: We see a long stretch of empty beach. On the left side is a desolate rock cliff that stretches off into the distance—on the other a pounding sea. We see a figure on horseback slowly making his way down the beach towards us.

CLOSE UP SHOT: We see that the figure is DOCTOR WHAT. He looks very haggard—his goatee is more scruffy than usual, his hair is long and unkempt and the only clothes that he’s wearing is something that looks vaguely like fur – skin shorts. He’s riding towards the camera.

He suddenly stops his horse. He stares at something off – screen. With a look of utter shock and disbelief, he slowly gets off the horse and takes a few steps forward before stopping again. He suddenly collapses to his knees onto the sand.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked quiet voice)
My God…all this time…
I was home all this time all along…

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly screams and starts pounding the sand with his right fist.

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming)
YOU MANIACS!
YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU! –

LANDSHARK (Off Screen)
Oy! Is this going to take much longer?

DIFFERENT SHOT – CLOSE UP: We see LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT and MATT sitting next to a shuttle on the beach looking extremely bored.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Irritated)
Do you mind?! I coming to
the big finish, ok! Yeesh—
(screaming and pounding his fist onto the sand again)
- DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN
YOU ALL TO HELL!!

REVERSE SHOT: We see DOCTOR WHAT in the foreground. Some distance away from him, we see a battered and partially melted Statue of Liberty half buried in the sand.

DOCTOR WHAT
(with a self – satisfied smirk on his face)
Heh—I always loved that scene…

DOCTOR WHAT gets up and walks towards the shuttle, whistling a happy tune.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“THE SECOND TO THE LAST OMEGA MAN”

Written By: DOCTOR WHAT

ACT 1

EXT. – SPACE – AH. COM SHIP – DAY

The Ah.com ship is sitting in orbit around a planet.

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, KIT, LANDSHARK, DAVID DAVE HOWERY, WEAPON M and PSYCHOMELTDOWN sitting around the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you got for us, LEO?

LEO
I think this is a really odd one—
scans indicate that this world is
at late 20th – early 21st century
technology. Population is only
about 4 billion but it’s distributed
extremely erratically.

LANDSHARK
How so?

LEO
Well—the North and South American
continents combined are reading at
barely more than 3 million people in total.

KIT
Huh? Is this a world where the
New World wasn’t settled or something?

LEO
Negative. There are indications of an
extensive urban infrastructure in both
continents—but they appear to be
abandoned for quite some time.
Best guess would be around
30 years or so.

MATT
Nuclear war?

LEO
Negative. Most of the cities are still intact
and I’m not reading any elevated radiation
levels anywhere. The areas that correspond
to OTL Soviet Union , China and India
are also showing the same thing—highly
reduced population but intact infrastructure.

DIAMOND
Obviously some kind of plague or something.

LEO
That’s the odd thing—while the American
and Asian continents are virtually empty,
the European continent is virtually teeming
with people. Europe is reading at over
1 billion people. Africa is almost twice
that amount.

WEAPON M
What the hell? Why would all the humans
on this world stick to just two continents?
Are there any weird chemicals or something
on the other continents?

LEO
Nope. No radiation.
No dangerous chemicals.
No pollutants of any kind
on the abandoned continents.

DIAMOND
Still say it’s some kind of plague.

LANDSHARK
But a plague that only hits
a few continents and not others?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—there’s only one way to know for
sure what’s going on. We’ll send in two
teams—one goes to the North American
continent and the other goes to the European.
We’ll do some investigating and report in
our results. Me, DIAMOND, MATT,
IRONYUPPIE and DAVE HOWERY will
take a shuttle down to the American continent
while KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK,
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE will take
a shuttle down to the European continent.
GREY WOLF will be in command while we’re gone.

DAVE HOWERY suddenly putting down a book –The Idiot’s Guide to Invading Canada – that he was glancing at

DAVE HOWERY
Huh? Wha – ?
I get to go on a mission?
ALRIGHT!

G.BONE
Hey, I get to go on a mission too!
(does a dance)

DIAMOND
(In sotto voce)
How much you wanna bet he gets shot up?

MATT
(in sotto voce)
Dude. I’m not touching that.
I want to keep my money.

EXT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE –DAY

We see the ah.com shuttle flying out of a large cloudbank. Spread out before us is the familiar skyline of New York City. The shuttle does a slow bank and flies towards the City.

We see the Empire State Building. The exterior of the building is covered with ivy and various other small plants all the way to about the 30th floor or so. The shuttle does a slow loop around the building and flies towards Grand Central Station. It, too, is heavily overgrown with plant life. The shuttle lands on 42nd Street, just a few meters away from the entrance. It kicks up a huge cloud of dust as it lands. We see that the street is completely deserted, with numerous weeds, bushes, shrubs – – and in one case, a small tree—poking their way out of various spots on the street and sidewalks.

INT – AH.COM SHUTTLE- DAY

We see DR.WHAT, DIAMOND, MATT, DAVE HOWERY and IRONYUPPIE crammed tightly together in the shuttle. DOCTOR WHAT runs a few scans.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bio – scans show up clean.
No viruses or bacteria out there
except the usual harmless ones.
(beat – smiling)
I win the bet Diamond.

DIAMOND
(nearly snarling)
Fine.
(hands over a slip of paper)
Her nickname is ‘Backseat Becky’.
She’s in Timeline 6789. That’s her
phone number and address.
Tell her that you’re a friend of—
(pauses—then carries on but with a resigned tone)
‘Umberto Goodthrust’

IRONYUPPIE
(raising eyebrow)
Umberto? She actually believed
that you were Spanish?

DIAMOND
Heh! She was a blonde! What do you expect—
(suddenly realizing who’s he talking to)
- – Uh—

CLOSE – UP –DOCTOR WHAT’S FACE: Suddenly turning away and covering face with hands as a loud THUMP sound can be heard off – screen. Slowly takes hands off his face. He looks back at our direction again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah – – I think there’s some smelling
salts in the Med – Kit, MATT….

MATT
But I don’t need smelling salts…
(A beat)
Oh. I get you.
(A beat)
Uh.. where were they?

THUMP! MATT hits the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell, DAVE HOWERY?

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… I thought.
(hesitant laugh)

THUMP! DAVE HOWERY hits the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groans)
Yuppie? Why?

IRONYUPPIE
I don’t need a reason.

DOCTOR WHAT
(with a smile)
Well, now that we’re alone.

THUMP!

EXT – CITY OF LONDON – DAY

We see a radio propped up against a wall. We hear a brief piece of a commercial—“ …is brought to you by Soy – l – ent red and Soy – l – ent yellow, high energy vegetable concentrates, and new, delicious, Soy – l – ent vert. The miracle food of high – energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.”

We see KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE walking down an extremely crowded street. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE are eating small bite – size green squares out of a large bag emblazoned with a huge logo that says Soy – l – ent Vert.

KIT
I have no idea how you guys can
eat that stuff. It tastes revolting.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I know the stuff tastes like crap but
it’s the only stuff they had in the store.

WEAPON M
Yeah—odd that. I don’t think I’ve seen
a single fruit and vegetable store since
we got here. Aren’t you Brits suppose
to be nuts about gardening and stuff?

LANDSHARK
Maybe with all the extra people, cropland
is scarce and they have to import all the stuff?

KIT
Still—you figure that we would have passed
at least one Fish and Chips resto by now.
We’ve been walking for an hour! And why
are you still eating that crap?!—

G.BONE
I can’t help myself—this stuff must be laced
with crack or something—I can’t stop eating this!

WEAPON M
Where are we going anyway?

LANDSHARK
Hey—we need to get information on what’s been
happening here—where else will we go but there -
(points finger)

We see where he’s pointing at. A huge orange building can be seen. The sign on the building says ‘British Library’.

KIT
Ah—the British Library. Biggest library in the U.K.
Such sweet memories. Did I ever tell you guys about
the time I was in one the reading rooms and this cute
guy with green eyes was sitting next to me and we—

ALL
(together)
Yes! Many times!

KIT
Hrumph!

They walk into the place, nearly tripping over several dozen apparently homeless people lying around the entrances.

EXT – NEW YORK CITY – DAY

We see the shuttle crew come out of the shuttle. Everyone, beside IRONYUPPIE, has their head in bandages and eyeing each other suspiciously. The five of them slowly start making their way down 42nd Street.

The street is completely deserted and nearly overgrown with various plants. Several rusted cars are parked here and there—but some of the cars look like they were abandoned right in the middle of the road.

MATT
This is really creepy. There’s nothing
moving around here.

DOCTOR WHAT
According to the scans we did as we
were coming in, there should be a
few hundred people in the general
vicinity. They must have spotted
our shuttle as we were coming in.

MATT
So where are they?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
Beats me. Let’s move—there should
be a big library around here somewhere.
I want to check it out as soon as possible—
we’re burning daylight here and we’ve
only got an hour or two before the sun sets.

They walk down the street.

Camera pulls back to:

INT.—WINDOW WITH A RAGGED CURTAIN – DAY

We see a hand slowly pull aside the curtain to reveal a view of the ah.comers. We’re looking down upon them from a few stories up. We hear heavy labored breathing as the AH.Commers slowly walk away from view. The hand draws the curtain back over the window.

VOICE (OS)
They are not of the Family…

DIFFERENT VOICE (OS)
No—but they will be…..

Harsh laughter, then coughing.

VOICE (OS)
You have any cough drops?

DIFFERENT VOICE (OS)
Hold on. I think I have some in my purse…

INT – BRITISH LIBRARY – NIGHT

We see the five AH.Commers looking through various stacks of magazines and books. The interior of the library is crammed with people, with numerous individuals seemingly sleeping in the corridors, hallways and even around and under the tables. On various tables can be seen bags of Soy – l – ent Vert next to a sign that says “Try our complimentary free bags!” PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE each have a bag and are plowing through the squares at near blinding speeds. LANDSHARK is at a microfiche station looking at some newspapers when he suddenly shouts out.

LANDSHARK
A – ha! Guys—get over here!

KIT and WEAPON M reach LANDSHARK first. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE (each nearly done with their bag and rummaging through their pockets for another) show up a few seconds later.

KIT
What’s up?

LANDSHARK
Read that!

We read the newspaper headline ‘SINO – SOVIET WAR HEATS UP!’ In smaller print we see ‘U.S. may be dragged into conflict’

DIFFERENT ANGLE : We see the backs of the five AH.Commers huddled around the microfiche station. Every now and then we hear one of them say a word or a phrase out loud. We hear only bits and pieces but the general theme of the stories they’re reading indicates that the war was getting worse and worse.

LANDSHARK
What’s that bit there mean?

WEAPON M
Which bit—the one that says
‘bio – war devices may have been launched’ or
‘millions ill with mystery disease’ or
‘U.K. Quarantine implemented’?

LANDSHARK
No—that bit there! The one that says –
‘Eosophobia one of symptoms’.
What the hell is Eosophobia?

KIT
Fear of daylight.

The four other AH.Commers look at KIT with various looks of confusion and admiration.

KIT
(blushing)
LEO has been teaching me trivia while
I’ve been helping out building his robot body.

G.BONE
(swallowing a piece of food)
I WAS wondering why his robot body
was so well….er….endowed….

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why were you looking at LEO’s
robot body’s endowments?

G.BONE
Uh…
(Points)
Look! More free Soy – l – ent Vert!

LANDSHARK
People! Less chit – chat! More reading!

They go back to reading.

EXT – NEW YORK CITY – EVENING

We see the immense building known as THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY. It is in very bad shape but still intact. Its famous lion sculptures are also intact—except for one lion. Carved on its left side is one word ‘REPENT’. Much of the main entrance doors have been literally blown out.

We see the AH.Commers walking around various stacks of books and magazines and newspapers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you have to blow up the door?

MATT
Hey—you were the one who
said that we needed to get in!

DOCTOR WHAT
So—the three pounds of
high explosive that you
used wasn’t a trifle….er
….excessive?

MATT
There are very few problems in this universe
that can’t be solved by patience, logic and
the judicious use of explosives.

DIAMOND
Man’s got a point, Doc.

DAVE HOWERY
Yup

IRONYUPPIE
Gotta agree with army – boy, DW.
The same thing can be applied to sex.

Everyone shifts away from IRONYUPPIE.

MATT
Hey, I was a Marine!

IRONYUPPIE
Gotta agree with the jarheaded one, DW

MATT
Thanks IY—hey, wait a minute….

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering under his breath)
Mom wanted me to be a dentist.
‘It’s good money’ she said.
‘You’ll meet lots of new people’.
But noooooooo—I just had to become
captain of a ship full of crazy people…..
(shakes head)
(louder voice)
People—back to business! Look for
the latest magazines and newspapers!

On the balcony above the ah.comers, we see several shadowy figures scurrying about.

EXT – BRITISH LIBRARY – NIGHT

We suddenly see KIT, LANDSHARK and WEAPON M literally launch themselves out of the entrance doors. They run towards the camera at breakneck speeds. Following close behind them (carrying yet more bags of Soy – l – ent Vert) are G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

LANDSHARK
How far to the shuttle?

KIT
15, maybe 20 minutes if we hurry!

WEAPON M
Why the hell aren’t the communicators
we’re carrying working?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Weird sunspot activity I think—
it’s mucking up communications everywhere!

KIT
Damn! We HAVE to warn them—
before it’s too late! Double time people!

We see the five AH.Commers run down the street, nearly tripping over people at every step…..

INT. – NEW PUBLIC LIBRARY – BALCONY – NIGHT

We see some more of the figures scurrying about. Several are carrying a large bulky object between them that we can’t see very clearly. They walk to the edge of the balcony.

INT. – NEW PUBLIC LIBRARY – LOWER LEVEL – NIGHT

We see the AH.Commers looking through various magazines and newspapers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at a newspaper)
Huh?—what the hell—
hey guys! Check this—

We suddenly hear loud screams from above. The AH.Commers look up—just in time to see a large net come crashing down upon them.

As the AH.Commers struggle to escape the net, we suddenly see several dozen robed and hooded people appear around them. They are all carrying various clubs or sharp implements. All are saying the words ‘For the Family! For the Family!’ in a weird and creepy monotone chant. We are unable to get any kind of good look at any of the figures. Suddenly—the figures all stop chanting. We hear faint ‘He comes’ from several of the figures. They step aside to reveal a figure (also hooded and robed) who walks slowly forward.

The figure suddenly pulls down his hood to reveal—a human face. Or at least, a face that was human once. Now the skin is a ghostly white color pockmarked with various sores. The figure’s hair and eyes are also a ghostly white color.

The AH.Commers look at the figure—and do a double take. DOCTOR WHAT just stares at the figure in astonishment.

LEADER
My name is FATHER WHAT—
and you are now privileged to
become a member of my Family.
(smiles—showing a set of very sharp and white teeth)

The rest of the robed figures go back to chanting ‘For the family! For the family’…..

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT – AH. COM SHUTTLE – NIGHT

We see the shuttle flying at high speed away from London.

INT. – SHUTTLE – NIGHT

We see KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE crammed tightly into the shuttle. The shuttle is even more cramped due to the presence of several large bags of Soy – l – ent Vert that both PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE have next to them. They’re stuffing handfuls of the green squares into their mouths.

KIT
(speaking into shuttle communicator)
GREY WOLF? You there?

INT. –AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE – NIGHT

GREY WOLF
What’s going on?

KIT (OS)
Are you tracking DOCTOR WHAT’s team?

GREY WOLF
We got a message from them a while back.
They were going to check out a library.

KIT (OS)
Get them out of New York City now!
No time to explain! If they’re still in
the city after sunset, they’re dead!

GREY WOLF
LEO! Open a channel!

LEO
I’m sorry GREY WOLF—I am unable
to contact them. And I’ve suddenly lost
contact with their GPS signals.

GREY WOLF
Wait—you mean—we can’t even
teleport them up now?

LEO
Correct.

GREY WOLF
Well, scan for them.

LEO
The sensors have broken down again.
I’ve sent a message to DAVE HOWERY
to fix them.

INT. – AH. COM SHUTTLE

GREY WOLF (OS)
- suggest you wankers get here and brief us.
We need some time to figure something out.

LANDSHARK
Roger that.

Shuttle does a sharp climb, throwing everyone except LANDSHARK (who was the only one who bothered to strap himself in) towards the back of the shuttle into a big heap.

Short pause.

WEAPON M
Whoever is feeling me up better stop. Now.

KIT
Hey—wasn’t me!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Sorry—that was me—I was reaching for my snacks…..

KIT
So that’s what you’re calling it these dys.
( a beat)
Aw, poor WEAPON M, always a snack.
Never the main course…

INT. – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE tied down to various chairs. Surrounding them are several dozen of the robed figures. They all have their hoods pulled back now and we see that their faces are in the same condition as FATHER WHAT: Pale white skin, several open sores, bleached white hair and eerie white eyes. A small pile of mangled and wrecked weapons and gadgets that the AH.Commers were carrying are lying in a heap next to them. FATHER WHAT is in front of the group giving a speech.

FATHER WHAT
…. alone, outnumbered a dozen to one,
nothing to live for but memories, nothing
to live with but their gadgets, their guns,
their gimmicks…the Age of the Wheel has
ended…but do not fear them…pity them instead….

DIAMOND
(sotto voce to DOCTOR WHAT)
No offense Doc but your ATL version is a complete loony…

DAVE HOWERY
(sotto voce)
..and that’s different from our own version how?…

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Ours doesn’t have a small army of psychopathic
followers willing to do anything he says.

DOCTOR WHAT
(contemplatively)
Yes—pity about that….
Well, there’s HENDRYK…
(a beat)
Never mind.

FATHER WHAT
…Yes! Pity them! For they know not the wonders
and blessings that come with being a member of
the Family! But soon—very soon—they will join us
- and our Family will grow ever stronger!

Chants of ‘For the Family! For the Family!’ come from the crowd and from…

IRONYUPPIE
Quit chanting, MATT!

MATT
Huh? Oh. Sorry.
It just has a nice ring to it…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF
You have got to be kidding me!

LANDSHARK
No joke man! Round about the year 1975 or so,
there was a massive China – U.S.S.R. war here.
At some point somebody decided to use biological
weapons. When the U.S. got dragged into the war,
they got infected too. For the first few weeks, the
disease was highly contagious and transmitted by air
—which explains how it spread so quickly.

KIT
But then something happened to the disease—it mutated
into a version that was transmitted only by bodily fluids.
But by then, it was too late. Pretty much most of the Asian
and American continents were getting creamed by the
disease, so the Europeans basically went into a bunker
mentality and shut themselves off.

WEAPON M
And when we say bunker mode, we really mean it!
They’ve got fences and minefields and all kinds of shit
blocking them off from any kind of contact with what’s
left of the U.S.S.R., China and the Americas.

GREY WOLF
But why? Doc sent back a report saying that the bio – scans
were negative. Why don’t they send in some clean up crews
and repopulate the lost continents?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(stuffing some green squares into his mouth)
Because the disease didn’t kill everyone!
It left a very small percentage still alive—
but by all accounts, they’re completely insane!
Also, they can still transmit the disease to
their victims. Since there’s no way for them
to get every single one of the infected and
since one infected person can spread the
disease to hundreds of people before the
first symptoms appear….
(shrugs shoulders)

GREY WOLF
…they’re remaining in bunker mode. Hmmmmm…
(looks at G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Just what the hell are you guys eating anyway?

G.BONE
Oh—this stuff? Yeah—well, with all the people
crammed so tightly together, they’ve had to get
creative with finding alternative food supplies.
I think this stuff is made from soy or something…

KIT
Never mind about the freaking soy food!
What about our friends?!

LANDSHARK
Now. Let’s not get to hasty with the labels.
They’re more acquaintances. People you
say hello to, but not go risk your life for…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(over mouthful)
How ‘bout YUPPIE?

LANDSHARK
Shit. We got to rescue them!

LEO
If I might interject? We have the approximate
location of their last contact. And using the
medical data that the London team brought back,
I might be able to modify the shuttle’s scanners
so that they can distinguish between infected and
non – infected humans. We simply send in a
recovery team and bring them back. The risk
is extremely high but the plan does have a
chance of success.

KIT
(looking at GREY WOLF)
Well?

GREY WOLF looks deep in thought.

INT – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT

FATHER WHAT is standing before the ah.comers, all of whom are still tied up. He stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a very long moment.

FATHER WHAT
You look very familiar…

DOCTOR WHAT
(laughing nervously)
I have that kind of face…

FATHER WHAT
No—you look…familiar. I’m
almost sure I’ve seen that face before…
(turns to one of his ‘family’)
Take him to the little room… for questioning.

Several robed figures cut DOCTOR WHAT loose and drag him away. FATHER WHAT gives one final look at the remaining AH.Commers then turns to one of his Family.

FATHER WHAT
Watch them. I will be back shortly.

FATHER WHAT walks away, leaving the rest of the Family to watch over the remaining ah.comers.

DIAMOND
(sotto voce)
Anybody have a plan to get out of this?

MATT
(sotto voce)
I do but it involves 6 beer cans,
a thumbtack, 2 kumquats and a wet pig.
(realizes that the AH.Commers are staring at him)
(shrugs shoulders)
Learned it from a fellow Marine named Raoul….

DAVE HOWERY
Hang on—let me try something….
(shifts his shoulders for a few seconds—we hear a loud pop)
Yup—managed to dislocate my shoulder
while simultaneously making the knots tighter…
(a beat)
Oh, god. It hurts.
(passes out)

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Maybe I should try my
feminine wiles on them?

DIAMOND
(sotto voce)
You’re suppose to bat your eyelashes for that,
not bat them over the head with a club….

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Damn!

INT – ‘LITTLE ROOM’ – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT tied up to a chair. Leaning against a desk in front of him is FATHER WHAT, staring intently at him.

FATHER WHAT
You’re…me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just someone who looks like you.

FATHER WHAT
Don’t mock me. You’re a version of me.
How is this possible? Tell me!

No response from DOCTOR WHAT.

FATHER WHAT
(screaming)
TELL ME!!

No response.

FATHER WHAT
(smiles—showing his sharp teeth)
Fine – we do this the painful way….

A look of gleeful anticipation crosses DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

INT – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – MAIN READING ROOM – NIGHT

We see the huge Reading Room spread out from us. It’s nearly the size of a football field and has over a dozen giant chandeliers still in place, as well as numerous huge arched windows (all of which are covered in heavy curtains) . We see that the AH.Commers and ‘Family’ members are at the far end away from us.

Suddenly, near a window close to the camera, we see a phenomenally bright white light shine through.

CLOSE – UP – FAMILY MEMBERS: All of the members suddenly scream and cover their eyes.

WIDE SHOT – MAIN READING ROOM: The light shining through the arched window actually gets brighter—and suddenly the window (as well as a chunk of the wall) shatters inwards as a shuttle flies through and lands on the floor, spraying shards of glass and concrete everywhere and smashing several tables and chairs.

We notice that the shuttle has been modified, with over a dozen large searchlights attached to the outer hull—all of them blazing with bright light. A side door opens up and we see KIT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE come out of the shuttle. All of them are carrying helmets, heavy gloves and backpacks—and large flashlights (all of them turned on) are attached to all of the equipment. They run towards the Family members.

All of the Family members are screaming and covering their eyes and many of them are stumbling frantically away from the approaching ah.comers. KIT is the first to reach the captured crewmembers.

KIT
(cutting DAVE HOWERY’s restraints)
Are you guys ok? Where’s the Doc?

DAVE HOWERY
(grabbing KIT’s knife)
I’ll get him!
(rushes off)

KIT
Wait! You need a flashlight!

DAVE HOWERY keeps running.

INT – ‘LITTLE ROOM’ – NIGHT

FATHER WHAT has DOCTOR WHAT’s head clasped in his hands. FATHER WHAT’s jaws are wide open. He looks like he’s actually going to bite DOCTOR WHAT.

FATHER WHAT
(briefly closes jaws)
Prepare to join us!
(opens jaws again)

Sounds of shuttle crashing and people screaming from off – camera. FATHER WHAT is momentarily distracted by the sound. DOCTOR WHAT brings his knee up and hits FATHER WHAT in the groin, causing him to collapse to eye level with DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT screams and headbutts FATHER WHAT, knocking him against the desk. FATHER WHAT recovers, screams and launches himself at DR.WHAT, causing the Doc, the chair and himself to go crashing to the floor in a heap, smashing the chair in the process.

DOCTOR WHAT has FATHER WHAT’s neck clasped with one hand (with a piece of the chair still tied to the arm) and frantically trying to get his other arm free when DAVE HOWERY kicks the door open. He sees the two figures fighting and throws his knife at FATHER WHAT.

CLOSE – UP – KNIFE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

CLOSE – UP – KNIFE HITTING FATHER WHAT IN THE CHEST

FATHER WHAT screams and is knocked back. With an almost feral growl, he pulls the knife out of his chest and flings it back at DAVE HOWERY. DAVE HOWERY is hit in the arm by the knife as he tries to get out of the way. FATHER WHAT, screaming in anger, rushes to DAVE HOWERY to finish him off. He clutches DAVE HOWERY around the neck, choking him and opens his jaws —

- – – and suddenly collapses in a heap onto the ground with a painful and final sounding grunt.

We see DOCTOR WHAT standing where FATHER WHAT stood—holding a chair arm in his hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
So—like, what kept you guys?

DAVE HOWERY
Shuttle broke down near the Lincoln Tunnel.
Never a cop around when you need one.

DOCTOR WHAT
(still smiling)
Uh – huh.

DAVE HOWERY
C’mon—move your ass—
I don’t want to stay another minute here

DOCTOR WHAT
(still continuing to smile)
Right – o!

DAVE HOWERY
And why are you smiling?

DOCTOR WHAT
You actually risked your life to save mine.
That’s the very first time you’ve actually
done something like that for me. You like me.
Admit it! You actually like me!

DAVE HOWERY
(a beat – sudden realization)
OH GOD—NOOOOOO!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning like the Cheshire Cat)
It’s ok—I won’t tell…

DAVE HOWERY
You tell anyone, I’ll flush you out
the airlock myself, Canuck – Boy….

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll keep that in mind—we probably
should get that arm looked at, tho….

DAVE HOWERY
Forget it—it’s not even a flesh wound—
I’ve gotten worse playing with LEO’s robot body….

They leave the little room.

INT – AH.COM MEDBAY – DAY

We see TORQUMADA sitting at a computer monitor. A black jar (with a red tentacle topped with a large green eye peeking over the edge) is sitting next to him. The tentacle quickly retracts back into the jar when DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE enter. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE are both continuing to stuff their faces with the squares from the bags of Soy – l – ent Vert.

TORQUMADA
What do you want?

DOCTOR WHAT
Find out just what the hell is
in those things they’re eating!
They must have gone through
20 bags of the stuff just in the hour!

G.BONE/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(together)
It’s nothing!
(they stuff some more of the squares into their mouths)

TORQUMADA
(sighing)
Fine.

He reaches over to grab a square from PSYCHOMELTDOWN—who clutches onto the square for dear life. For a few seconds they actually have a tug of war before PSYCHOMELTDOWN –reluctantly – lets go. TORQUMADA places the green square into a small plate and waves a scanner over it. He looks at the screen for a moment and raises his eyebrows in astonishment. After a few seconds, he turns around and faces the gang with a truly evil looking grin on his face.

TORQUMADA
Soy – l – ent Vert is made out of people!
Soy – l – ent Vert is people!

G.BONE gasps at this. He places his hand over his mouth and runs off. A few seconds later we hear the sounds of someone getting noisily sick. PSYCHOMELTDOWN just stands there pondering this for a moment. He then shrugs his shoulders and goes back to eating the squares from the bag.

TAG

INT – AH.COM MEDBAY – DAY

We see KIT, LANDSHARK, DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, IRONYUPPIE and WEAPON M all standing around receiving injections from TORQUMADA.

DIAMOND and MATT are standing by the wall.

MATT
I should have betted with you.
G.BONE didn’t get shot up.

DIAMOND
Hold on.
(pulls out gun)
HEY! G.BONE!
(begins firing)

Everyone stops and looks at DIAMOND, MATT, and the gasping G.BONE. They shrug and turn back around.

TORQUMADA
You’d better clean up that mess.
(returns to injections)

LANDSHARK
You sure this is necessary?

TORQUMADA
Look—you guys could have been exposed
to an unknown and potentially dangerous
disease. I’m not going to have a repeat
of the ‘Woody Incident’.

KIT
(smiling)
I actually rather enjoyed that
experience to be honest….

IRONYUPPIE
As did I….

TORQUMADA
Hrumph! Well—in any case—
with this shot, you should be
immunized to the disease and
any virus that is in your system
will be destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
You actually made a successful vaccine?
You know—the people of this
world could really use this….

TORQUMADA
Hrumph! Fine! I’ll arrange for some of the major
hospitals to obtain some samples of the vaccine.
Happy now?

DOCTOR WHAT
If you charge for it I will be.
(grins)

TORQUMADA
Ok—that should be all of you—
hey—where’s DAVE HOWERY?

INT – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see a figure huddled under a large blanket on the bed. We suddenly see a ghostly white hand reach out and grab a book “Complete Guide to Canada” and pull it back under the blanket.

DAVE HOWERY
(raspy voice)
So bright… so beautiful… my precious…

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS