TEASER

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

This particular section of the Ouroboros is dark and badly lit. The tables are old, wooden, and well marked with scratches and stains. Attractive waitresses of varying degree wander between the tables carrying pitchers of alcohol or trays of food.

DOCTOR WHAT sits across the table from a seedy STRANGER who doesn’t have all of his teeth. Both have empty beer pitchers. He’s clutching a package in his hands.

THE STRANGER
You plug this into your computer, and you’re
there. Do you have what you promised?

DOCTOR WHAT nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Only the finest of “Lesbian Dominatrix
Decorators” for our informant.

He reaches into a satchel at his feet and withdraws some DVDs, wrapped in non-descript brown paper. The stranger is almost salivating. He shoves the ominous package across the table to DOCTOR WHAT and seizes the DVDs. He quickly scampers away from the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was easy.
(examines package, strokes goatee)
I wonder what they’ll think about this…

He puts some money on the table and rises to his feet. He withdraws his communicator from his pocket.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello, KIT?
(listens a moment)
Yes, I know you’re busy.
Tell Bruce you’ll be back in no time.
(listens again)
Yes, you can bring the whip…

Little does he know that across the room, a dark-haired young man in a blue Hawaiian shirt watches and takes notes.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“CLASH OF CIVILIZATION”

Written by : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The wrappers of the ominous package sit on the floor. What was inside the package, an archaic-looking wood and metal contraption, is plugged into the main computer.

LEO CAESIUS
Looks to me like we’ve got an authentic
Nyab’gyza—

DAVE HOWERY
What’s that supposed to mean?

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, sorry. That’s the name of this device,
in a dialect of Old Syrian from a TL where…

DOCTOR WHAT
We get the point. What’s on it?

LEO CAESIUS
It looks like two sets of coordinates. One is a
fairly isolated Earth-like planet, while the
other is a set of coordinates on the planet’s surface.

DOCTOR WHAT
The man I got it from says there’s a treasure there.
Something to do with timeline-merging…

LEO CAESIUS
Holy…

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

LEO CAESIUS
I think we’ve just stumbled onto the location of a cache
of crosstime bombs

DAVE HOWERY
(raises eyebrow)
Will they be useful in conquering Canada?

LEO CAESIUS
(ignoring Dave)
When detonated at the juncture of two
timelines, they’re capable of merging characteristics
of them both. Think of them as a way of ISOTing
two worlds together.

DAVE HOWERY
Can we ISOT the Draka USA into OTL?
That way Canada…

DOCTOR WHAT
Not now Dave…

LEO CAESIUS
As we all know, we’re a bit
low on funds since our last
adventure…

DOCTOR WHAT
(moans)
Don’t remind me. The sign said
‘crosstime harem of
all the different analogues
of Jenna Jameson…’

LEO CAESIUS
Since we’re low on funds,
perhaps we can retrieve
the bombs and bring them
to the Hub. Ian has a bounty
on them…says they’re too
dangerous to leave lying about.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. But do we have
to leave right now?
I’ve got a date with…

DAVE HOWERY
Recalling the crew back to the ship
to discuss this was your idea. Anyway,
we spent almost all of our money
bailing you out of that Turkish prison…

ABDUL HADI PASHA (O.C)
Your description of the Turkish prison sounds a lot
like anti-Ottoman propaganda. Are you
some kind of Armenian nationalist?

DOCTOR WHAT winces in pain, recalling terrible experiences…

DOCTOR WHAT
All right.

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

Tall towers rise in the foreground, along the exteriors of the towers are attached thousands upon thousands of ships of various designs. In the background you can see the glow of a sparkling city.

Pull in close to the towers you can see the AH.com ship. The AH.com ship disengages from the airlock and glides away. Moments later second ship, similar in design, trails after them.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A vortex opens and the AH.COM ship exits, moving into orbit about a planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The entire crew is gathered around a screen. They peer down on it with expressions ranging from puzzlement to dismay.

LEO CAESIUS
We seem to have arrived at
the right world. However,
I’m detecting some kind of
energy field that’s preventing
us from simply teleporting
down to the surface..

DOCTOR WHAT strokes his goatee.

DOCTOR WHAT
So this place is protected?

LEO CAESIUS
That would be the appropriate assumption.
The same energy field is also causing
some problems with our external sensors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then let us proceed with caution.

DIAMOND
How else would we proceed?

DOCTOR WHAT
Willy nilly and inebriated?

DIAMOND
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Another vortex opens in space. The second ship exits and as we see it moving along, we see the name upon the vessel: COUNTERFACTUAL.NET

INT. – COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room of the CF.NET is a disorganized mess, littered with trophies and items of interest picked up (or more accurately, stolen) from various TLs. But that does not prevent the crew from working quickly and efficiently, under the glare of one man.

Seated in a command chair in the center of the bridge is WARD. And man, is he pissed.

WARD
(voice monotone, but expression furious)
Damn it, someone needs to learn how to fly better!
That was not the smooth ride that I expect!
Next time I do not want to feel us entering
or exiting the vortex!

DUQUENSE looks back from his pilot’s berth.

DUQUENSE
It’s not my fault, Captain.

Ward gestures threateningly with his cane and Duquense trembles.

WARD
Get your head out of your ass boy!
Tell us what’s going on!

SCARECROW looks up from his console.

SCARECROW
As we entered this timeline the sensors
detected an energy field. That energy field
is currently mucking up our sensors and
nav systems. We’re at the right planet,
but we’re getting heavy interference in
all our keys systems … I’m not sure what’s
causing it, sir.

WARD
You’d best find out, wouldn’t you.

SCARECROW
(hesitantly)
The crosstime bombs
are probably protected.
It’s probably coming from that.

Ward nods curtly.

WARD
Draconis!

DRACONISNOIR enters. The two white eyes that emerge from the darkness of his hood are narrow.

DRACONISNOIR
Yes sir?

WARD
Prepare for battle.

DRACONISNOIR
(saluting)
Yes, sir!
(hurries out)

Ward sits back in his command chair and steeples his fingers, a savage grin on his face.

WARD
Bring the ship to the surface.

SCARECROW and DUQUENSE share worried looks, but they begin hitting buttons.

Fade to:

EXT. – A DESERT – DAY

The CF.NER Ship comes landing upon the surface, in a cloud of dust and a roar of engines.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER looks up from his console.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Umm…Captain Ward, sir.

WARD
Yes, boy?

MERRYPRANKSTER
We have company.

EXT. THE DESERT – DAY

A group of Bedouin, armed with a motley mix of old-school muskets, AK-47s, and futuristic weapons, have surrounded the ship. One of them is carrying a banner that suspiciously resembles the old Iraqi flag.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONROL ROOM – DAY

Ward narrows his eyes in thought.

WARD
Time to kick some ass.

Grins light up the faces of all the CFers.

EXT. THE DESERT – DAY

A door slides open and the CF crew, armed to the teeth, spill out.

DRACONISNOIR
Run, or I’ll flambe you and
dice you like roast duck!

The Bedouin, since they cannot speak English, don’t understand a thing. To their ultimate loss…

Ward’s .357 booms, knocking a Bedouin from his horse. DOMINUSNOVUS back flips over one Bedouin and whacks him upside the head with a nightstick. MERRYPRANKSTER, samurai sword in one hand and .45 caliber pistol in the other, cuts a swath through the main Bedouin formation.

The Bedouin are not without victories of their own. Two of them fire on DRACONISNOIR with energy weapons, slamming him against the hull of the ship. One Bedouin rears his horse, which knocks BULGAROKTONOS down with its hooves.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(shouting over the chaos)
Leave at least one alive, for information!

The battle concludes quickly, with the Bedouin withdrawing on horseback. The CFers, being on foot, cannot pursue. Several Bedouin lie dead on the ground. DRACONISNOIR moans from the side.

WARD
Any survivors?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Any women?

Everyone glares at him.

One of the Bedouin moans. Ward grins.

WARD
A prisoner. Excellent…

INT. – CF.NET INTERROGATION ROOM—DAY

The captured Bedouin is naked, forming the top of a human pyramid. Below him, GEDCA and DUQUENSE are not happy.

GEDCA
Why is it that WE have to do the
Abu Ghraib thing too?

WARD (O.C.)
Because you’ve pissed me off today.
At least I’m not showing you pictures of
my grandchildren. Yet.

The Bedouin shouts angrily at Ward. A wall-mounted COMPUTER translates…

COMPUTER
It took me awhile to figure out just what he was saying
—I’m unfamiliar with this dialect of Arabic—
but I think I’ve figured it out.

WARD (O.C.)
Then spit it out!

COMPUTER
He says that the Sheikh of
Sheikhs will come and crush
you, infidel dog!

WARD (O.C.)
That’s really creative.
Does this Sheikh have a name?

The computer says something in Arabic, and the Arab responds.

COMPUTER
HANK FLETCHER.

Ward looks intrigued.

WARD
One of the Fallen?
(grins)
Perhaps we can do business.
(gestures to the Arab)
Get his clothes back on, and tell him that
HANK FLETCHER will be getting a phone call from us.
We have something he might find interesting…

The computer speaks and the Arab gets down. He scuttles over to the corner where his robes are piled. Relieved, DUQUENSE and GEDCA rise to their feet.

WARD
Not yet. We still have the entire Abu Ghraib
photo album to re-enact…

EXT. – A BAZAAR – DAY

The AH.com crew walks down the street of a bustling Arab bazaar. From every street corner glowers the image of a Caucasian with an unusually thick, bristling mustache and a beret.

DOCTOR WHAT
That looks strangely familiar. I swear
I’ve seen that face before…

They pass by a door that has a sign in both English and Arabic that reads “Now Hiring. Good Pay.” Slowly, OTHNIEL drifts away from the group. As he approaches the door, two sets of huge HANDS reach out and grab him. He disappears into the doorway with a muffled squeak.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s interesting. The group looks a bit smaller…

Everyone looks around.

THE GROUP
(in unison)
OTHNIEL!

They dash into the door next to the “Now Hiring” sign.

INT. – A DIM ROOM – DAY

Two huge EUNUCHS hold OTHNIEL in place. A fat man, the HAREM KEEPER paces back and forth in front of him.

HAREM KEEPER
Very, very good. The Sheikh of Sheikhs
is in need of some to look after his harem…

OTHNIEL
(horrified)
A harem! No! ‘If a man looks at
a woman with lust in his heart…’

HAREM KEEPER
You can lust in your heart all you want,
but you won’t have anything to lust with…

The HAREM KEEPER pulls out a long, rusted scimitar from his belt.

Suddenly, the AH crew bursts in. DAVE HOWERY revs up his adamantium chain-saw and decapitates one of the eunuchs. The other eunuch grabs a wicked-looking axe from the wall and swings it at Dave. Dave raises his saw over his head and the axe disintegrates on contact with the whirling chain.

As OTHNIEL scrambles away, he’s set upon by STRAHA, who tries to push him back towards the surviving EUNUCH and the HAREM KEEPER.

STRAHA
You…destroyed…all…my…pot!

DOCTOR WHAT cuffs STRAHA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not now!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN draws his derringer and revolver. The EUNUCH and the HAREM KEEPER flee the scene.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to himself)
Damn, I’m bad.
(to Michael)
I don’t even know why we decided
to stop in this city in the first place.
We know where the damn bombs are…

MICHAEL
DOCTOR WHAT wanted to look for another
Jenna Jameson harem. As I said, that
makes no sense, but did anyone listen to me…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think we should get out of here.

MICHAEL
Way ahead of you.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN turns to see MICHAEL running away.

INT. CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HANK FLETCHER’S face, the same face seen on the city’s posters, fills the primary view-screen in the center of the bridge. He isn’t happy.

HANK FLETCHER
I am well aware of what you
Zionists did to my people…

Ward raises an eyebrow.

WARD
Who said anything about Zionism?

HANK FLETCHER
Your people attacked my Arab brothers.
You are therefore Zionists, and must…

WARD
We’re getting off track. You’re well aware of
a time-distorting field of some kind located in
the north of this continent, a few kilometers away from
the grandiose statue of yourself?

HANK FLETCHER
Yes…

WARD
Well, we know what’s inside it…

HANK FLETCHER becomes flustered.

HANK FLETCHER
We have no WMD! We have kept all of
the treaties signed since the end of
hostilities…

WARD
(coolly)
We’d like to take what’s inside the time field
off your hands. That way, when the inspectors next come
calling…

HANK FLETCHER
This is a violation of the sovereign rights of the
Arab Republic of…

WARD
As you can see, we have plenty of
knick-knacks we’ve picked up
through all our various travels and…

HANK FLETCHER
There will be no negotiations with Zionists!

WARD
We have lots of interesting weaponry we could trade…

HANK FLETCHER is intrigued.

HANK FLETCHER
Tell me more…

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com crew scrambles up the gangplank of the ship, DOCTOR WHAT in the lead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Initiate liftoff!

LEO CAESIUS (over com)
Why?

Wordlessly, DOCTOR WHAT gestures behind them.

An army detachment from the city they’d just “visited” is in pursuit. Dozens of T-72 tanks flying the Iraqi-like flag rumble behind them. Flanking the armored detachment are horsemen in flowing robes, shouting and singing in Arabic.

The ship begins to rise, with OTHNIEL and STRAHA left hanging on the end of the gangplank. STRAHA begins to swing himself into OTHNIEL, trying to knock him off.

STRAHA
Should leave you for the Ba’athists!
You trashed all my pot!

OTHNIEL
(panting)
It is for the good of your soul!
‘The body is the temple…’

A T-72 fires. The shell collides with the hull of the ship and STRAHA meanwhile falls from the gangway. He tumbles towards the desert floor when something stops his descent…

OTHNIEL. The young man has decided to “repay evil with good” and seized one of STRAHA’s hands with his own. However, this leaves him hanging from the gangway with only one hand. As the pair watch in horror, OTHNIEL’s hand starts to slip.

Just as OTHNIEL’s hand leaves the rim of the gangway, M. BARRY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN grab it. The two haul OTHNIEL and STRAHA up onto the gangway as more and more of the T-72s open fire.

Once STRAHA and OTHNIEL are safe, M. Barry steps inside and comes out with a Javelin anti-tank rocket launcher. He draws a bead on one of the T-72s and fires.

The T-72 explodes. Men waving white flags boil out of the two nearest tanks, but the others continue attacking.

The four retreat back into the ship and with a roar of engines, it flies away.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – DESERT – DAY

Ward, flanked by ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS in his Soviet military uniform and MERRYPRANKSTER, talks with HANK FLETCHER, who is surrounded by a Bedouin HONOR GUARD. HANK FLETCHER is dressed in an olive-green military uniform, like many an Arab tyrant. To the left of the CF trio is a pallet loaded with various makes of artillery. In the distance lies a mountain surrounded by a shimmering energy field. The CF ship sits to the side…

WARD
(gesturing to an especially ominous weapon)
This weapon was tried and tested in the Yom Kippur War,
in a TL where the Arabs actually won.

HANK FLETCHER
They won? Has the Zionist entity been
driven into the Mediterranean?
Do Arabs rule from the River to the Sea?

WARD
Well, “win” is relative. The State of Israel
no longer exists, but Lebanon and Syria
are gone too, and Egypt is wracked by civil war. The
US is landing forces in the region to “preserve order.”

HANK FLETCHER
Then the Great Satan was the real winner! NOOOOOO!

MERRYPRANKSTER
We digress.

Ward shoots an angry glance at Merry for getting involved, but is glad to get back to negotiations.

WARD
In exchange for this weaponry, will you allow us access
to your stockpile? I’ve got some nice ideas in mind for
these crosstime bombs.

MERRYPRANKSTER
That sounds interesting. What do you have in mind?

WARD
Well, merging a Nazi-victorious TL and a maximum USSR TL
for starters. That’d be interesting to watch…

HANK FLETCHER thinks for a moment.

HANK FLETCHER
I heard that you have a pretty girl on your ship.

WARD
N-Red?

HANK FLETCHER
I’d really like to meet her.

WARD
Then can we get those bombs?

HANK FLETCHER
Sure.

HANK FLETCHER steps into the CF ship. MERRYPRANKSTER is the only one who isn’t at ease with this situation.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I don’t think this is a good idea.

A few minutes later, we hear a SCREAM and the sound of a crowbar connecting with someone’s head. HANK FLETCHER storms down the gangplank, clutching a big bruise on his face. Part of his mustache is hanging from his face and it’s obvious to all that the mustache is glued on.

HANK FLETCHER
You have a Zionist witch on board!

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Umm, Ha…

HANK FLETCHER
(glares at Romulus)
That’s “President for Life of the United Arab Republic” to you.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
She’s a lesbian.

HANK FLETCHER raises an eyebrow.

HANK FLETCHER
We’ll see if she is once she’s through with me…

MERRYPRANKSTER rolls his eyes.

MERRYPRANKSTER
This is going to get bitter and
twisted really fast.

Suddenly, the roar of engines echoes above them. Ward and HANK FLETCHER look up to see the AH.com ship hurtling overhead. As it approaches the energy field, it fires a series of electricity-wreathed missiles. The missiles strike the shield and tear a hole in it, enabling the ship to pass through.

HANK FLETCHER
Forget her. Get them!

HANK FLETCHER pulls a cellular phone out of his pocket and speaks a few Arabic commands. A door slides open in the rocks nearby.

HANK FLETCHER
We can meet them there.

Ward whistles to the others. Most of the CF crew streams down from the ship into the tunnel.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge is in chaos. All of the crew hang onto some piece of equipment or another for dear life.

LEO CAESIUS
ETA to the location of the crosstime bombs is
two minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT looks sick.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why did I have to eat that falafel in the city?

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship comes in for a landing on a flat stretch of ground near the entrance to a bunker. The crew spills out moments later…

DOCTOR WHAT
Are those people we passed
over the ones I think they are?

THANDE
I…think…it…was…the…CF.com…ship…

HENDRYK
Merde!

Dave rushes up to the bunker entrance and tries the door. It’s locked. Unperturbed, he whips out his chainsaw, spins it up, and rams it into the doorway.

DAVE HOWERY
On to Canada!

After a few seconds of painful metal-on-metal sounds, the door splits in half. The AH.com crew files inside.

INT. – A DARK TUNNEL – DAY

The AH crew rushes down the tunnel. As they make their way deeper into the mountain, DOCTOR WHAT notices various skeletons lying around.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

OTHNIEL trips a level and the ceiling opens up behind them. An enormous BOULDER comes tumbling down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh shit.

The crew RUNS, the boulder barreling behind them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thande! Try something with those chemicals of yours!

As he runs, Thande reaches into his breast pocket, seizes two tubes of chemicals, and hurls them at the boulder. Nothing happens.

THANDE
Damn…it. Not…reactive enough!

He seizes two more chemical tubes and throws them. Same result. Finally, exasperated, he seizes all of the remaining chemical tubes on his person and hurls them at the rock behind them.

EXT. – THE MOUNTAIN – DAY

Something thunders inside the mountain, and it shakes.

INT. – THE TUNNEL – DAY

Everyone is on the ground, covered in dust. DOCTOR WHAT is the first to raise his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyone else alive?

There’s a chorus of affirmatives from the other crew members. DOCTOR WHAT rises to his feet and dusts himself off.

INT. A VAST CAVERN – DAY

The AH and CF crews emerge from tunnels at the opposite ends of a vast rock cave. The object of everyone’s quest, a pile of munitions marked with the symbol of the Ouroboros, sits on a pallet in the center. Both sides glare at each other before they realize they have a problem.

Someone else has gotten there first. MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO. MIKE COLLINS, most terrible of the Fallen, looks vaguely like Agent Smith, while MOLOBO is smaller in stature and presence, clearly the lackey.

MIKE COLLINS
To have come so far,
only to fail at the last second
(shakes head)
Ian-lovers always fail.

MOLOBO foams at the mouth.

MOLOBO
For Poland!

Everyone opens fire on the pair of Fallen, but with a gesture, MIKE COLLINS swats away their bullets. A second gesture sends everyone flying. The gestures reveal that MIKE COLLINS is wearing some strange metallic gauntlets on his hands.

On the ground, Ward turns to Hank Fletcher.

WARD
(angry)
Do you have anything to do with this?

Before Hank can reply, MIKE COLLINS begins to speak.

MIKE COLLINS
No he does not. While you people were
navigating dark tunnels and dodging traps,
I and my apprentice here simply dropped
in through a convenient air duct
(gestures to the ceiling)
We could have been long gone
with these lovely bombs by now, but
we just wanted to see the looks on your faces.

WARD
And what do you plan on doing with these weapons?

MIKE COLLINS
I have a score to settle with Ian.
The unobtanium in one of those
bombs will be quite helpful for
perfecting my new abilities
(gestures to his gauntlets)
A few of these bombs, at the Hub,
will certainly shake the son of a bitch up a bit.

Everyone gasps in horror.

OTHNIEL
But that will destroy the Multiverse!

MIKE COLLINS shrugs.

MIKE COLLINS
Perhaps, perhaps not. It depends
on how much of the Hub survives.
However, both ways, Ian is dead and
my problems are solved.

MICHAEL
But you’ll die if the Multiverse falls!
That makes no sense!

MIKE COLLINS shrugs.

MIKE COLLINS
But I will die knowing that Ian is dead too.
As our fat pothead friend
(gestures to Straha)
was so fond of saying, it will be Armageddon!
Mwahahahahahahaha!

MIKE COLLINS’ evil laughter continues for a few minutes. While he’s laughing, DAVE HOWERY is reaching for his chain-saw. In a lightning-quick move, he hurls it at MIKE COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS frantically shields his face with an arm. The chain-saw strikes one of his gauntlets and bounces off. The lights on the gauntlet dims and sparks fly from it. The force of the collision cracks MIKE COLLINS’ glasses.

MIKE COLLINS
(slowly removing glasses)
I will enjoy watching you die, Mr. Howery.

He lashes out with his powers, but with his second gauntlet damaged, he isn’t quite fast enough. David dodges to the side and retrieves his adamantium chainsaw.

With MIKE COLLINS clearly weakened, everyone grabs their guns again and opens fire on everyone else. In the midst of the chaos, HENDRYK approaches MIKE COLLINS from behind. The chief of the Fallen, currently struggling hand-to-hand with Dave, is unaware of his presence. HENDRYK points his knock-off Mauser at MIKE COLLINS’s head.

HENDRYK
Prepare to die, neo-con imperialist.

Suddenly, the rabid MOLOBO appears behind him.

MOLOBO
You forgot Poland!

MOLOBO then sinks his teeth into HENDRYK’s shoulder. HENDRYK drops his gun and the two of them struggle.

Other one-on-one fights have broken out. BULGAROKTONOSfaces off against DIAMOND, while MERRYPRANKSTER duels GBW. However, all pale before the epic wrestling match between MIKE COLLINS and DAVE HOWERY.

MIKE COLLINS
You! Of all of Ian’s simpering slaves,
you were the one most like me!
Why do you, American imperialist like
myself, insist on sporting with these fools?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, for starters I’m not evil…

Dave kicks MIKE COLLINS in the groin. As the Fallen stumbles to the ground, his damaged gauntlet hits the floor and sparks back to life again. An evil grin crosses his face as, with a sweeping gesture, he knocks everyone else to the floor, reserving the hardest whack for Dave.

DAVE HOWERY
(pained whisper)
Well, that certainly sucked…

However, his voice is soon drowned out by the epic rage of the Fallen.

MIKE COLLINS
Fools! You have distracted me and
my apprentice long enough!
Come, MOLOBO!

MOLOBO climbs off HENDRYK and rushes to his master’s side. The crosstime bombs rise from the pallet, forming a line heading straight up into the ventilation duct the two Fallen used to gain entrance to the cave. One by one, they disappear into the ceiling. MIKE COLLINS gestures and MOLOBO rises up with them.

The survivors of the battle (for the sake of the plot, the only ones who actually died were Hank’s honor guard) groan and begin rising to their feet.

MIKE COLLINS
How does it feel to know you’ve
just got your collective asses kick?

He vanishes into the air shaft, his laughter echoing. Ward is the first one to recover his senses and try to organize things.

WARD
CFers, assemble! Get the bastard!
Or else I’ll show every single one of you
pictures of my grandchildren!

The CFers immediately rush out the other tunnel.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we ought to get out of here…
(a beat)
Guys?

DOCTOR WHAT turns around to see everyone already rushing out of the cavern.

EXT. – THE SURFACE – DAY

The AH crew spills out of the tunnel and hastily boards their ship. As soon as the last person is aboard, DOCTOR WHAT begins barking orders to Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Get us the hell
out of here right now!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, Captain.

The ship lurches into the air. Above it, a small, unidentified craft passes overhead. DAVE HOWERY suddenly realizes what it is.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO.
Shoot it down!

The AH ship fires several missiles. The munitions streak towards the Fallen ship and everyone crosses their fingers.

Point-defense lasers suddenly erupt from the hull and scythe the missiles from the sky.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! Fire the nuke!

LEO CAESIUS
I think that would be unwise. There’re
several unidentified flying objects
approaching. They look to be
1970s-80s era warplanes.

MATT understands.

MATT
Hank’s air force.

EXT. – THE AH SHIP – DAY

As the AH ship pursues MIKE COLLINS’s smaller vessel, several MiG-25s fall into formation behind it. Each of them fires several missiles.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK settles into his pilot’s seat. DOCTOR WHAT is frantic.

DOCTOR WHAT
Evasive action! Evasive action!

IronYuppie sidles up to Landshark.

IRONYUPPIE
If we survive, I’ll do that thing you like…

A goofy grin sprawls across Landshark’s face.

LANDSHARK
(dreamily)
You’ll let me use a

Safe word, this time?

IRONYUPPIE cuffs Landshark on the side of the head.

IRONYUPPIE
We have to survive first.

LEO CAESIUS
Point defense system active.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Lasers scythe from the AH ship, dropping two missiles. However, there’re still five more to deal with and the MiGs are deploying their cannon. Bullets sprang against the hull.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge shakes. Everyone has grabbed onto something for dear life. OTNIEL is praying. STRAHA reaches for something in his pocket and suddenly grins. He pulls out a small pinch of marijuana.

STRAHA
(dreamily)
Oh, sweet Mary Jane…

Inspiration glints in Landshark’s eyes.

LANDSHARK
Let’s hope this works…

He twists the steering wheel all the way around.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship goes into a steep spinning dive towards a canyon below. Two of the missiles lose their locks and fly harmlessly away. Three of the missiles and all of the MiGs follow.

INT. – THE CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Landshark continues spinning the ship.

LANDSHARK
Leo! Use the weapons! Kill them!

LEO CAESIUS
Will do.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Missiles erupt from the rear of the vessel. The MiG formation breaks up to avoid the attack, but two of MiGs are hit. Their flaming carcasses fall towards the canyon floor.

EXT. – THE CANYON FLOOR – DAY

MELVIN LOH,and MACSPORAN are sitting around a campfire over which a whole sheep roasts.

MACSPORAN
(comically-exaggerated Australian accent)
I hear that somewhere, someone has actually started
worshipping these humble creatures.

MELVIN LOH
(even thicker Australian accent)
Really?

MACSPORAN
Aye. I thought not even pommies would
do such a thing, but…

Both of them are suddenly obliterated by the falling MiGs.

EXT. – THE CF SHIP – DAY

The CF.net ship hovers aloofly above the fray.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone is at battle stations. Their various trophies and stolen goods are pushed into corners. Ward looks supremely military in his command chair. Only MERRYPRANKSTER seems concerned about the battle below.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Captain Ward, sir, don’t you think we ought to…

WARD
Help them? Get your head out of your ass, boy.
They’ve ruined our fun plenty of times.

MERRYPRANKSTER
If MIKE COLLINS attacks the Hub-

WARD
(curtly)
Is Ian’s problem, not ours.
Infact…

Ward looks to the main viewscreen.

WARD
Grimm, arm all particle cannons.
Fire on that damn ship.
Maybe we’ll get lucky.

Grimm Reaper grins and hops before the weapons control

EXT. – CF. NET SHIP – DAY

ANGLE view of CF.NET ship, far below it we can see the small shape of the plummeting AH.COM ship.

Bursts of light suddenly lance out of the CF.NET ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is a mess as everyone clings to surfaces. Monitors are flickering off and on, smoke fills the room, and the Control Room rocks under the pounding they’re getting from the CF.NET ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Status!

GBW
We’re getting our asses kicked!
Shields nearly gone!
We’re running out of maneuvering room!

DIAMOND
Oh, god! We’re gonna die!
(begins screaming)

DOCTOR WHAT
When can we get out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
Right now, actually.

DOCTOR WHAT is aghast.

DOCTOR WHAT
When could we have gotten out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
Anytime, really.

DOCTOR WHAT is now really pissed off.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why didn’t you get us out of here before?

LEO CAESIUS
You never asked. Besides,
this whole exercise was quite fun.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us the hell out of here!
NOW!

LANDSHARK
Right on it!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A vortex appears before the ship and then manage to slip into as lances of energy rain around them.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – DAY

The CF.Net ship continues to pound the area. Then they stop. A moment later a vortex also opens before them and they too vanish.

TAG

INT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Darkness, then a flickering of light. Dim light soon fills the smoky interior of the trashed Control Room. Crewmembers are picking themselves up off the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are we still alive?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

LANDSHARK
Whoop-dee-fucking- doo.

MATT
We just got our asses kicked.
Majorly.

Everyone nods.

DAVE HOWERY (over com)
Guys?
We’ve taken a major pounding down here.
Ship’s not going anywhere for a while.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Dave)
How long?

DAVE HOWERY (OC)
I don’t know. Days maybe?
A lot of systems are trashed.
We got our asses handed to us, hardcore.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Tell me something I don’t know.
(turns off com)

DIAMOND
What now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing.
We lost.
MIKE COLLINS’s got the bombs.
Ward just kicked our asses.
Our ship’s trashed…
(a beat)
I’m going to get drunk.

Doctor What wanders out of the Control Room, a moment later everyone follows.

DIAMOND
Man, this mission sucked

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS.