TEASER

EXT. – PLANET – DAY

We see a lush tropical forest. The camera slowly pans down to show a line of trees and a stretch of grassland. Erupting out of the tree line at breakneck speeds are WEAPON M, HENDRYK, KIT and DOCTOR WHAT. They run towards the camera.

A few seconds later a huge group of people come running out of the treeline as well. They are too far away from the camera to make out any clear details but most appear to be wearing very little more than loincloths. All of them are waving spears and clubs of various sorts.

Even from this distance, we can hear angry screams from them.

Close-up view of AH.commers

DOCTOR WHAT
You just HAD to have sex with the Chief’s son,
didn’t you! You just had to do it! Where the hell
is your self-control, man?!

KIT
I couldn’t help myself! He was tall! He was dark!
He had broad shoulders! He had black hair!
He had green eyes! Green eyes, Doc!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming)
He had THREE of them!!

KIT
(smiling)
That’s not the only thing he had three of!

DOCTOR WHAT
(rolling eyes)
Oy Vey….

Reverse shot of back of AH.comers running across tropical grassland towards a shuttle perched majestically on a small hill. A few seconds later we see wave after wave of angry natives run after them…..

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“LIFE, EVERYTHING, AND THE PUB IN THE HUB OF THE MULTIVERSE”

Written by : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT 1

EXT.- AH-COM SHIP –DEEP SPACE – DAY

AH.COM ship is moving along through space. Pull in close. Pan through portal into Bridge.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE– DAY

Focus tight on DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(face in deep contemplative thought )
So—let me get this straight—you managed to
get the—er—the TransShifty Thingyma-jig
miniaturized so that it could fit on—a shuttle?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(insufferably pleased with himself )
Yup! They thought me mad when I came up
with the scheme. They said it couldn’t be done.
They said –

DAVE HOWERY
Shut up.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(cringing )
I’m sorry.
(to DOCTOR WHAT )
Think of the possibilities!

DOCTOR WHAT
(dubious tone )
It IS safe……right? It’s been tested, right?

Long pause from PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who glances to DAVE HOWERY for support.

But he’s reading a book “10 Simple Ways to Conquer Canada” and looks deeply engrossed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Rrrrrright?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(hesitantly )
Not as such…..

DOCTOR WHAT
(rolling eyes )
Uh-huh.
(ponders this for a moment )
Right!
(strikes dramatic heroic pose )
As captain I will volunteer myself for this mission!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shocked )
You will?

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course! I have complete faith
in your engineering skills!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(amazed )
You do?

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course! I’m sure you will take
all steps necessary to minimize
danger to myself!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(stunned )
I will?

DOCTOR WHAT
When can you have everything ready?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(confused )
Er…..Soon?

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – DAY

Pan over CF.NET ship to large glass portal. Go through window to….

INT. – CF.NET SHIP-BRIDGE- DAY

We see GRIMM REAPER standing before GEDCA. GRIMM REAPER is wearing a dark and heavily soiled dark robe. GEDCA is wearing a heavily soiled  red Star Trek uniform.

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent! You say that you’ve perfected
the miniaturization of the Shift Engine?

GEDCA
Yup! It just needs to undergo one final test!

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent! I will volunteer for the mission!
Prepare the shuttle immediately!
I will inform Captain Ward myself!

GRIMM REAPER leaves GEDCA and walks down a side corridor. After a few moments, he enters an ominous black door. He shuts the door behind him and approaches a large platform. He kneels before it. Almost immediately a large holographic image of a head appears over the platform. The image takes up almost the entire room. The image is very faint and dark but the head can clearly be seen to be wearing a John Deer baseball cap.

WARD
(heavy raspy voice )
GRIMM REAPER—you have news to report?

GRIMM REAPER
Yes Captain! GEDCA has invented a process to
install the Shift engines into all of our shuttles.
If successful, we can spread even more chaos
and destruction throughout the multiverse!

WARD
Excellent! You have done well, my apprentice…..

GRIMM REAPER
Can I get that lollipop now?

WARD
(heavy raspy voice )
What flavor do you want?

Scene does a slow fade-out.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

Slow fade in.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY and G.BONE are standing around one particular shuttle. The shuttle has numerous welding marks, mismatched hull plates and various strange looking pieces of equipment on it.

G.BONE
(hesitantly )
You’re sure this will work?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Sure.
(a beat )
Pretty sure.
(a longer beat )
Er…maybe…?

DAVE HOWERY
Where is that lunatic Canuck anyway?

Almost on cue, the entrance doors open to reveal HENDRYK dressed in Chinese styled red robes with a bishop’s hat upon his head.

HENDRYK
Announcing his holy eminence—DOCTOR WHAT!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(annoyed )
By the Holy Sheep.
Does he always have to
announce his presence?
It’s wearing a little thin.
Plus its easy to know he’s
arriving just by the smell alone.

DAVE HOWERY and GBONE both nod in agreement.

G.BONE
Once, Hendryk announced DOCTOR WHAT’s
arrival when I was in the crapper.
All I can say is: Luckily I was already on the toilet.

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN move away from G.BONE.

HENDRYK steps aside to reveal DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT walks into the shuttlebay in full WWI pilot regalia –flight bomber jacket, scarf, goggles—the works. He nearly trips over his ridiculously long multicoloured scarf as he walks in. DAVE HOWERY rolls his eyes theatrically while PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE shake their heads in embarrassment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right-o! Let’s get down to business!

DAVE HOWERY
We’re getting drunk?
Great!

Wipe screen to…

EXT. – AH. COM SHUTTLE – DAY

The camera follows the shuttle as it flies from the right to the left hand part of the screen. We see the name of the shuttle ‘Mynx I’ as it flies by.

INT. –SHUTTLE “MYNX I” – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is at the controls.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ready when you are, guys.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s voice comes in over the comm.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(VO )
(slight static )
Ready on our end in just a few seconds…
Now… which button was it?

G.BONE
(VO )
(slight static )
The yellow one damn it.

DAVE HOWERY
(VO )
(slight static )
No. The red one!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(VO)
(slight static )
Now, I’m confused.

EXT- DEEP SPACE – CF.NET SHUTTLE – DAY

We see the black CF.NET shuttle ‘Exterminator’ fly by, traveling from left to right.

INT. – CF.NET SHUTTLE “EXTERMINATOR” – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Test commencing in 60 seconds….

EXT. – AH. COM SHUTTLE – DAY

We see the shuttle ‘Mynx I’ still flying right to left. It fires a bright red laser beam. The camera tracks the path of the laser beam as it hits an empty patch of space. A large and irregularly shaped red vortex slowly begins to form.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is running various scans. Looks around for a moment and then opens another screen on a monitor. The screen shows several very naked people and the beginnings of a very cheesy porno song.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(VO )
Looking good here…

DOCTOR WHAT
Things are looking good in here too…

Continue cheesy porno music.

Wipe to:

INT. – CF. NET SHUTTLE – DAY

We see the shuttle ‘Exterminator’ flying left to right. It fires a bright green laser beam. The camera tracks the path of the laser beam as it, too, hits an empty patch of space. A large and irregularly shaped red vortex slowly begins to form.

INT. – CF.NET SHUTTLE – DAY

GRIMM REAPER is looking over various instruments.

GEDCA
(VO )
Everything within normal parameters…

SPLITSCREEN
Exterior of CF.NET shuttle is on the left hand side of the screen. Exterior of AH.COM shuttle is on the right hand of the screen. In the middle, superimposed on the ‘dividing line’, is the red vortex. It suddenly starts fluctuating wildly in size and shape.

CUT-

INT. – ‘EXTERMINATOR’ – DAY

GRIMM REAPER is frantically trying to control the shuttle. Numerous flashing lights and warning alarms can be seen and heard.

GEDCA
(extremely heavy static )
We …. -osing contact with- …abort! ABORT!- ….

CUT-

INT. – ‘MYNX I’- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is losing control of the shuttle. Red lights and warning sirens are in great abundance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(almost inaudible due to static )
Mas-….-ower surge!….losing contact with….-ort! Ab-…

SPLITSCREEN

Exterior of CF.NET shuttle is on the left hand side of the screen. Exterior of AH.COM shuttle is on the right hand of the screen. In the middle, superimposed on the dividing line, is the wildly fluctuating red vortex. It suddenly releases a phenomenally bright white light that blinds us for a few seconds. When the light fades, we still see the splitscreen view—but no sign of the shuttles. Splitscreen view changes to show interior of the CF.NET main ship on the left and AH.COM main ship on the right. We see close-up of GEDCA on the left and PSYCHOMELTDOWN on the right reacting to this event.

GEDCA/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(simultaneously )
Oh…shit….

INT.-CF. NET SHIP-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

GEDCA and DOMINUSNOVUS are talking to one another.

GEDCA
This is bad—we are completely unable
to find any traces of the ‘Exterminator’
or GRIMM REAPER

DOMINUSNOVUS
We are unable to ascertain where
GRIMM REAPER may have ended up.
He may, in fact, be dead.
(beat )
Can I have his stereo and his DVD collection?

GEDCA
Everything except his ‘Wild College Girls’
ones. I have dibs on them.
(beat )
I will be the one to inform WARD
about this….setback.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(breathing a sigh of relief )
Ok—I’ll be here if—er—I mean—when you come back…

INT.-AH. COM SHIP-BRIDGE-DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK and KIT are sitting around the conference table looking at numerous sheets of paper and various indecipherable looking charts.

LANDSHARK
Wait—I’m confused—run this by me again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Sighing )
Well—according to LEO’s scans—it appears
that there was another vortex that opened at
the same coordinates as the one the Doc made!
Somebody from an ATL opened up a vortex at
the exact same spot—essentially creating a
vortex inside a vortex!

LANDSHARK
But that’s the part that makes no sense! Do you
have any bloody idea what the odds are that two
different people in two completely different
universes will open up a vortex in the exact
same spot at the exact same time! The odds
of something like that must be…er….

LEO CAESIUS
(with just a tiny hint of smugness in his voice )
One point seven eight three to ten to the power
of seven million nine hundred twenty one thousand
seven hundred and forty six to one against.
(beat )
Approximately.

MATT
So—what do we do?

HENDRYK
Isn’t it obvious? We try to get him back!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But that’s just it—we don’t know where he is!
He could be in practically any timeline!
In fact-he could –er—
(breaks off suddenly )

KIT
What? What?! He could be–?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(hesitantly )
Er—there’s the possibility that he
could have been…ah…er…
(quiet voice )
…split…

KIT
(looking a bit ill )
Split?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding head gravely )
Split into several different parts and…uh…
scattered into different time lines….

HENDRYK
(burying head in his hands )
…..gaaaaaaaaaahhhhh….

INT-CF.NET SHIP-DAY

We see a close-up of a polished floor surface. Suddenly, we see GEDCA collapse on his knees onto the floor. He’s clutching at his neck with one hand and making some truly horrible sounding gurgling sounds. We see him collapse face down onto the floor making increasingly more and more desperate sounding gagging sounds. Camera slowly pans over to the left to see a figure dressed in blue work pants, open blue work shirt and John Deer baseball cap. He has his right arm raised up with his fingers in a vague ‘claw’ like gesture towards GEDCA.

WARD
(heavy raspy voice )
Apology accepted….GEDCA.

WARD slowly turns around and, picking up his cane, slowly moves away to
a nearby exit. The door opens and just as quickly closes automatically and the lights shut off. We still hear the sounds of GEDCA gasping for air.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – UNKNOWN LOCATION – NIGHT

CLOSE-UP of DOCTOR WHAT lying on his back. He slowly opens his eyes and hesitantly stands up. He does a quick look around—then does a double  take and looks around more slowly.

Camera pulls out to show DOCTOR WHAT standing in the middle of an incredibly huge, dark, noisy, smoky, and crowded bar of some sort. Perched on a small pile of bricks, wooden beams and other debris next to DOCTOR WHAT is the shuttle ‘Mynx I’, looking somewhat battered but still functional. DOCTOR WHAT looks up at the hole that the shuttle made in the ceiling to see—nothing. Just complete blackness. Not even stars can be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT glances around the bar again. We follow his gaze. There are numerous figures seated at various tables around both the DOC and the shuttle but it’s too dark and smoky to make out any clear details of either them or the bar. The interesting thing seems to be that nobody in the place seems to be the least bit concerned, surprised or curious that a strange shuttle has made a rather large hole in the ceiling of the place.

DOCTOR WHAT spots—way in the distance—what looks like a brightly lit
bar counter—with a figure that could be a bartender standing behind it. DOCTOR WHAT starts walking towards the barcounter. Along the way, he
glances around the bar. The camera continues to follow his gaze.

On one table we see a large group of Vikings (in full Viking regalia) apparently in a drinking contest with a equally large group of American
looking businessmen dressed in extremely expensive suits. On another
table, a short reptilian looking creature nervously hands over a small bulging bag to an attractive looking Asian woman. She nonchalantly puts
the bag into her purse (with the bag making a ‘clinking’ sound as she
does so) and hands over a large handful of ginger root to the reptile.

Further along, a scruffy looking but somewhat handsome looking human
male and a large Bigfoot-like creature seem to be negotiating some kind
of deal with a distinguished looking old bearded man dressed in dark
brown monk-like robes and a young adult male dressed in a Roman-like
white tunic. DOCTOR WHAT catches just a brief piece of the conversation
from the scruffy looking male –“ –you’ve never heard of the Millenni—
“ before he walks on.

At yet another table, a short mousey-looking human nearly completely hidden in a gray cloak and hood is laughing with a tall bearded barbarian-like man. Oddly enough, both men are openly carrying swords strapped to their belts.

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly stops when he sees what looks like a barely
visible robed figure float by him. He shivers briefly—almost as if a
cold wind hit him—as he looks at the robed figure disappear into the
darkness.

DOCTOR WHAT keeps walking onwards. He notices—through all the haze and smoke—that there are open doorways that can briefly be seen. Beyond those doorways could be seen other large, smoky, crowded and dark rooms. And just at the very edge of viewing—other open doorways that seem to open into other large, smoky, crowded and dark rooms….

CLOSE-UP- BAR COUNTER

We see a tall, lanky, sunglasses wearing, blonde man polishing a glass. Surprisingly, the counter is empty of customers, despite the availability of several very comfortable looking chairs. DOCTOR WHAT walks up to the counter and seats himself in one of the chairs.

BARTENDER
(setting down the glass he’s been polishing)
You look like a man in dire need of a drink.

DOCTOR WHAT
That– and the answers to a lot of questions.
First thing first, give me a—

BARTENDER
(sliding a drink across the table)
–Rum and Coke— 1 1/2 ounces white rum,
classic coke, 5 ice cubes, frosted glass with a slice of lime.

DOCTOR WHAT

Uh—how…did…–

DOCTOR WHAT looks suspiciously at drink. Carefully, he takes a sip of it – and then his eyes open wide in shock.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh…my…God…

BARTENDER
(smirking)
I prefer Ian, actually….
(offers hand)

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking hand gingerly)
Uh—my name is DOCTOR WHAT.

IAN
And what do your friends call you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Mostly ‘Hey, you fucking bastard’
but I prefer Bruno actually…
Or Italian Stallion in Kit’s case…

IAN
Alright…
(beat)
So—you probably have a million
questions to ask me…

DOCTOR WHAT
Off the top of my head. Give me a
few minutes to get my bearings and
I think I’ve have a few million more.

IAN
Well—in answer to your first batch of questions—
No, you’re not dead. Yes—this really is a bar.
Yes—I’m the proprietor of this establishment.
Yes—the place has a name—Ouroboros.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ouroboros? Wasn’t that the name of a mythical
snake that is forever eating itself? It’s supposed to
symbolize….uh…
(sudden realization)
…the endless round of existence…and…. time….

IAN just smiles.

DOCTOR WHAT
(quietly)
Oh.
(somewhat normal voice)
So—this place is….?

IAN
This bar is in—what some people modestly refer to—
as the Hub of the Multiverse. Every timeline in existence
is connected to this very spot. We are—in essence—
in the center of the Multiverse.

DOCTOR WHAT
(quietly)
Oh.
(beat)
(drinks his drink in one gulp)
I see.
(looks around the place)
Nice bar you got here. Very…er…homey.

IAN
(giving DOCTOR WHAT another drink)
It serves its purpose…

DOCTOR WHAT
So—how big is this place anyway?

IAN
(starts polishing another glass)
Actually—that’s a rather complicated answer.
Technically speaking—it’s infinite in size….

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at IAN in complete shock)
Uh—infinite…..?

IAN
…while simultaneously a completely
different finite size at every moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(almost finishing the second drink in one gulp)
I see….

IAN
And this is only the pub.
There’s more out there.
(points to exit)
The Hub’s become the unofficial place
To go to if you need anything.
Food, information, entertainment.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s more?

IAN
(putting the glass he’s polishing down)
Let me explain. Have you ever wondered why
is it that whenever you hear a funny joke or
interesting story in a bar, that joke or story
almost immediately starts showing up in other bars—
even ones hundreds or even thousands of miles away?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—now that you mention it—

IAN
There’s a very simple reason for that—
look at that wall over there…
(points at a nearby wall)

As DOCTOR WHAT looks, a wooden door suddenly appears on the blank wall. Seconds later, a large green thing with numerous tentacles calmly opens the door and walks into the bar. Seconds later, the door fades from view. Almost instantly, another door—this one made out of metal—opens up and a human—wearing a WW2 Soviet military uniform—walks into the place as well. That door also fades from view—only to be replaced by yet another door—this one made from stone— which opens up to reveal a dwarf-like creature—wearing what appears to be chain mail armor—who walks into the bar as well….

DOCTOR WHAT
(nearly incoherent)
Uh—wha?—how—is—gah?—

IAN
(goes back to polishing glass again)
Quite simply—I’ve managed to connect the pub to many
other bars and pubs in many other timelines. Places
that allow the right kind of clientele in and have a bit of
respect for the way I run things around here. Don’t want
the crazies running in and trying to take over, y’know.

A giant of a man walks up, creaking in plate armor and with a huge  sword strapped to his back. Ian calmly hefts a wooden keg onto the counter and slides it to him. The giant nods his thanks and walks off.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring after the Giant)
How many other places are you connected to?

IAN
(smiling)
A couple of million. Across just as many universes.

DOCTOR WHAT slams down the last of his drink and gestures for another drink.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. That’s a lot of bars…

IAN
(handing another drink to him)
That’s quite a bar tab you’re racking up there, Doc…

DOCTOR WHAT
Er…speaking of tabs…
(beat)
(hesitantly)
About my shuttle and your ceiling….

IAN
(making dismissive gesture with his hand)
Forget about it. You’ll be surprised how often that happens.
Just last week, we had this one guy—claimed to be an astronaut
on a mission to Jupiter—or was it Saturn?—anyways—he had
this crazy story about his ship’s computer going insane and
killing all the scientists that were in cryosleep and his partner
before he managed to shut it off. Was chasing some big black
monolith when he ended up here.
(beat)
He needed FOUR drinks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-huh…
(beat)
Wait—hang on—back to those doors—
Are you telling me that I don’t need a
Shift Engine to get to this place?

IAN
(picking up another glass to polish)
Well—you could use one of those. Simply put –
The Hub of the Multiverse is a universe in itself,
so a shift engine is needed to get here. There’s
plenty of spots you can dock in the City. But
to get into the pub from another universe, just look for that sign.
(points to a glowing sign of a snake eating its own tail)
outside a bar or pub. Inside is a Door to the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—and that secret door will be….?

IAN
(smiling)
You ever seen one of those doors that say
‘Authorized Personnel Only’?

DOCTOR WHAT
(hesitantly)
Er…yeah….?

IAN
(smiles)
Ever wondered what’s behind them?

DOCTOR WHAT
(eyes widening)
You mean….that….?

IAN
(practically grinning)
Yup.

DOCTOR WHAT
(finishes his drink again)
I think my head is going to explode….
(beat)
(looks at IAN)
How can you have all these people—
and things—here without the place going crazy?

IAN
(putting glass down)
What makes you think that it isn’t crazy here?
(beat)
But you’re right—there’s a reason why things
in the place are somewhat…normal…
There is one rule and one rule only in this place.
No fighting.
(menacing tone)
Ever.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking a little scared)
And…what happens if someone… breaks that rule…?…

IAN
(polishing glass again)
First time-a stern warning.
Second time-I kick you out of the place for a few days.
Third time…..
(very quiet but menacing tone of voice)
Banned.

DOCTOR WHAT
(gulping)
Er…are there people who have been banned?
What’s happened to them? Are they still…?

IAN
(Putting up his hand to silence DOCTOR WHAT)
My advice is…don’t ask questions you aren’t
prepared for answers just yet. Maybe another time.
Have one last drink—but sip this one—ok?
(hands another drink to DOCTOR WHAT)

IAN goes back to polishing another glass. DOCTOR WHAT sits at the counter in deep thought while sipping his drink. Camera focuses tight on him.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, well, well—if it isn’t DOCTOR WHAT—
your appearance is exactly as I expected….

REACTION SHOT-DOCTOR WHAT is in total shock. We can clearly see his hand squeeze tight around the glass he’s holding. He practically leaps off the chair and turns to face GRIMM REAPER.

INT. – HUB OF THE MULTIVERSE – OUROBORUS – NIGHT

DIFFERENT ANGLE

We see GRIMM REAPER standing about 20 feet behind DOCTOR WHAT. He’s holding a large glass filled with various multicolored liquids—topped off with a swizzle stick holding a cherry, strawberry and a piece of pineapple.

DOCTOR WHAT
I just knew that you had something to do with
my accident! I’ve had enough with you and your gang!
(smashes his drink on the counter and starts waving the broken glass like a knife)
Let’s have it out—once and for all!

GRIMM REAPER
(sneering)
ALRIGHT!
(smashes his drink on a nearby table)

DOCTOR WHAT and GRIMM REAPER rush at each other. Just as they are about to meet, an ‘energy field’ of some sort appears between the two of them—knocking both of them backwards onto the floor. With very painful sounding groans, each of them slowly get up and stare at one another in astonishment. After a few seconds, both simultaneously turn to face IAN.

IAN
(nonchalantly cleaning a glass and not even bothering to look up)
Warning.
(puts down glass)
Ok—you two have had enough to drink.
Time for the both of you to go back home.
(reaches into his pocket to produce two data disks)
Here, Doc
(hands one to DOCTOR WHAT)
and Grimm.
(hands one to GRIMM REAPER)

DOCTOR WHAT/GRIMM REAPER
(same time)
What’s this?

IAN
Coordinates back to this place the next time
you want to come back—and coordinates
back to your original universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
What? Are you nuts? You can’t give him
coordinates to this place! Think of all the
damage that they can—

IAN
(holding up his hand for silence)
Remember the rules. This place is open to all—
no exceptions. But no fighting here. EVER.

DOCTOR WHAT and GRIMM REAPER eye each other warily and—with very much grumbling– very slowly walk away from each other. DOCTOR WHAT walks back to his shuttle.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP- DOMINUSNOVUS’ QUARTERS – NIGHT

DOMINUSNOVUS is sitting on a couch watching TV. The back of the TV is facing us (partially blocking our view of him) and we can’t see what he’s watching but there are faint sounds of giggling that can be heard.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(talking to the TV)
Yeah….uh-huh….that’s it…no-no…it’s okay to
hug each other…you’re just comforting each other…
yeah—that’s it….it’s a little hot for that blouse, isn’t it?….

Loud beeping sound comes from a speaker near DOMINUSNOVUS, causing him to nearly fall off the couch. He frantically presses a button on the speaker with one hand while simultaneously zipping up his pants with the other.

GEDCA

(VO)
(his voice sounds very raspy and ragged)
DOMINUSNOVUS—get your butt down
here to the bridge, pronto! The ‘Exterminator’
just popped out of a vortex—and
GRIMM REAPER is on board!

DOMINUSNOVUS runs out of the door. A few seconds later he rushes back

in and pops the DVD he was watching out of the player and puts it into its case and runs out. A few seconds later he rushes back in and picks up an entire stack of DVDs that is on the floor and runs out again.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, KIT, HENDRYK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are solemnly going through all of DOCTOR WHAT’s personal items and boxing them. IRONYUPPIE hands over a large box to LANDSHARK, who’s holding a clipboard.

LANDSHARK
What’s in the box?

IRONYUPPIE
Apparently every DVD that Pandora Peaks,
Kat Kleevage and Holly Body have ever made.

LANDSHARK looks at the box as if it’s going to attack him. Behind him, PSYCHOMELTDOWN does a doubletake and stares at the box as well. KIT is packing some of DOCTOR WHAT’s clothes when he sees a pair of jockey shorts that have an unusual design on them. KIT holds the shorts up to the light for a better look. The shorts have a picture on its front of a very large sausage with two heads of garlic (one on either side) near the bottom of the sausage. A caption reads ‘Now That’s Italian!’. KIT raises an eyebrow, looks furtively around to make sure no one’s looking, and with an evil grin stashes the underwear into his pocket.

A beeping sound comes from a speaker.

GREY WOLF
(VO)
Hey guys—get up here! The shuttle just popped
out of nowhere—and DOCTOR WHAT’s on it!

HENDRYK
Hallelujah! Once again—he has returned from the dead!

LANDSHARK
How many times does this make? Three? Four?

HENDRYK
Three hundred and twelve, actually.

LANDSHARK
And how many of those times did NOT involve cunninlingus?

HENDRYK
Er…two, I think…..

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is walking through the corridors having a chat with LEO.

LEO’s voice comes from a different speaker in each different corridor as the conversation progresses.

LEO CAESIUS
– truly fascinating. So you’re convinced
that every timeline was represented?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not sure about every timeline, LEO,
but you simply wouldn’t believe the
sheer size of the place. I wouldn’t be
surprised if that was the case.

LEO CAESIUS
And this IAN individual—he said
that one can access his bar from
any other bar in the universe?

DOCTOR WHAT
Supposedly. I intend to try it out soon.
I still have the dimensional coordinates
of the place—maybe we could take the
whole gang with us?

LEO CAESIUS
Are you sure? I find that idea somewhat…
unwise and illogical.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Since when did a silly thing like logic
and reason stop us before?

DOCTOR WHAT arrives at the door to his quarters.

LEO CAESIUS
This IAN individual—who or what do you think he is?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ponders this for a few seconds)
I have a few…theories. I’ll share them
with you at another time. Good night LEO.

LEO CAESIUS
Good night, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT goes into his quarters.

INT – CF.NET SHIP CORRIDOR – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER is walking through the corridors, still staring at the data disk given to him by IAN.

GRIMM REAPER
(muttering to himself)
Possibilities….definite possibilities….

GRIMM REAPER enters his quarters.

SPLITSCREEN
Exterior view-AH.COM ship on the right hand of the screen and the CF.NET on the left hand of the screen.

GRIMM REAPER/DOCTOR WHAT
(simultaneously, VO)
Hey! Where the hell are my DVDs?!?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS