Alternate History: The Series

16Apr/130

4×08 – Unresolved Issues

TEASER

OVER BLACK

VOICE
BRRRRRRUUUUNNNNNOOOOOO!!!

Fade into:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are looking at a monitor.

GREY WOLF
Been out there for a while.
Keeps calling your name.

DOCTOR WHAT
In these occasions. Its best to ignore them.

We can hear a tinny cry coming.

VOICE
brrruuunoooo…

GREY WOLF
if you say so, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
Trust me on this, Grey.

EXT – HUB – DOCK BERTH – DAY

We see a figure stalking up and down the dock berth. It’s a slim redheaded woman. Its ALYSON HANNICAN.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
BRRRRRUUUUUNNNNOOOOO.

She stops and faces the pitted and stained hull of the AH.com ship.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Bruno! Come out to me!
I will wait out here for you!
BRUUUNNNNOOOO!!!!

There is a loud pop and a figure appears behind ALYSON HANNIGAN.

Pan to new arrival. Its PSYCHOMELTDOWN with a wig and a pasted on goatee. He’s obviously attempting to look like DOCTOR WHAT.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dearest Alyson. I have heard your cries
and I have come running to thee.

ALYSON HANNIGAN looks at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

ALYSON HANNICAN
You’re not Bruno.
You’re… You’re that weird guy that
came around time and time again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ll be anything you want.
Just let me love you.

ALYSON HANNICAN
Eww. No.

She walks off.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ALYSON!!!!!
ALLLLLYYYYSON!!!

THUNK!

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN collapse to the deck. A yellow bucket spins to a stop.

Pan toward the next berth and we see the CF.NET ship. A porthole is opened and WARD is sticking out of it.

WARD
God damn it, boy.
People are trying to plot your

captain’s destruction over here.
We don’t need your whining bothering us!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

 

 

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“UNRESOLVED ISSUES”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – HUB – DAYISH

A wide shot of the Hub. Rising towers and ships of all manner and designs, flying every which way.

Pull in.

INT. - HUB – MULTIVERSE-MART – DAYISH

CHINGO360 and ALT. LUAKEL are standing against a wall and opening a pair of envelopes.

CHINGO360
Man, this sucks.

ALT. LUAKEL
Really?
(looks hopeful)

CHINGO360
No. I mean the pay blows.

ALT. LUAKEL
(looks hopeful)
Really?

CHINGO360
Why do I even bother?

ALT. LUAKEL
Because no one else will be your friend?

CHINGO360
Oh, right.
(sighs)
Anyway, this pay is not good. Not good at all.

ALT. LUAKEL
What do you expect?
We’re uneducated, unskilled,
and extremely lazy workers.

CHINGO360
Yeah, but we used to own a ship.

ALT. LUAKEL
Which got stolen from us.

CHINGO360
But it was our ship.

ALT. LUAKEL
Technically it was your uncle’s.
Remember he owned that
junkyard for useless ships?

CHINGO360
Technicalities.
It was our ship, by World #A15645S laws.

ALT. LUAKEL
I didn’t see you sacrifice a she goat to
Buddha on the bow of the ship.

CHINGO360
The point I’m trying to make here is that
I’m dissatisfied with my job.
I think a dramatic change is in order.

ALT. LUAKEL
You’re going to start
bathing on a bi weekly basis?

CHINGO360
Nothing that dramatic.
I’m going to get our ship back.

ALT. LUAKEL
Right….

CHINGO360
You in?

ALT. LUAKEL
I don’t know... I have a nice job and all…

SUPERVISOR
Damn it, Luakel! I’ve been calling you
for the last two minutes. You’ve got to
clean up the stalls in back restrooms,
we got a group of Sri Lankans who had
some bad Mexican food and have no idea
how our superior plumbing works.

ALT. LUAKEL
(to Chingo)
Lets leave right now.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a tiny ship exit a tiny vortex.

Pull in on the ship, we see it’s beaten, battered, and trailing what looks like smoke.

INT. – SHIP - BRIDGE – DAY

We see a figure sitting upon a massive throne like chair. Around the figure are screens that flicker and fizzle, the lighting is bad, and the air has a haze to it.

Another figure walks in through a sliding door. This figure is huge.

Pull in on the second figure. We see it’s ADIKOR.

ADIKOR
Mistress, we are leaking plasma.
We cannot go much further.

Pan to the first figure upon the throne like chair. We see its ATTA.

ATTA
Do not tell me what we cannot do!
I have killed all that have told me
I cannot do this or I cannot do that!

ADIKOR
And that is why we are crewless
upon a ship that is about to explode.

ATTA
Right. What do you suggest?

ADIKOR
We must make planetfall or
find a station to make repairs upon.

ATTA
I shall have my revenge upon
all that have betrayed me.

ADIKOR
We cannot accomplish
that unless we repair our vessel.

ATTA
They will be coming soon.

ADIKOR
Then we best move quickly.

Suddenly there’s a wailing that fills the ship.

ATTA
He’s awake.

We pan to a corner of the bridge and see a cradle sitting there. Within it is a swaddled wailing baby.

ATTA
Bring him to me!

ADIKOR brings forth the child.

ATTA
(to child)
Quiet you!
The Emperor of the greatest empire
in the multiverse does not wail so!

ADIKOR
It must be the other half of his heritage.

ATTA
You shall not bring that up ever again!

ADIKOR
Right…

Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

ADIKOR rushes to a computer.

ATTA
Status!

ADIKOR
We are registering a ship approaching.

ATTA
Is it them?

ADIKOR
No… something worse.

Another squalling begins.

ATTA
Now, she’s awake.
I’m not sure which is worse.

INT. – SHIP – CONTROL CENTER – DAY

WARD
What do we have here?
(grins)

FADE OUT

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is pissed. He stomps down a corridor and makes a hard right, entering the Battle Room. DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M are hunched over a map.

DAVE HOWERY
You’re a dead man, Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT
I swear it was a complete accident
that I teleported only her clothes off
on the last away mission. A complete
and utter accident!

DAVE HOWERY
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing.
What other things, besides disrobing your
woman with technological wonders, did I do?

DAVE HOWERY
You’ve taken parts and supplies
from my personal workroom.

DOCTOR WHAT
Technically everything on this ship is mine.

WEAPON M
Not my Militia babes calendars.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never those… unless…

DAVE HOWERY
I want those parts back. Right now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Clam down. You’ll get them back.

DAVE HOWERY
Now!

WEAPON M
Dave, you’d better clam down or
else you’ll have Keira feeding
you broth for the next month.
Just listen to what Doc’s gotta say
and then think about screaming again.

DAVE HOWERY
Right.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I’ve been talking to this guy in the Pub.
Seems he came across this thing in this one place.

DAVE HOWERY
That doesn’t really make me
feel better about anything…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, but the thing is that he says
there’s a huge cache of gold hidden
by a space faring civilization upon
a deserted universe.

DAVE HOWERY
This is in no way shape or
form making me feel any better.

DOCTOR WHAT
Think of it.
A treasure hunt.

DAVE HOWERY
(groans)
This isn’t going to end well, is it?

WEAPON M
(grinning)
Hell, no. Why do you think I joined this crew
I’ve never done so much shooting, killing,
and blowing shit up in my life.
(grins even harder)

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re gonna be so damn rich,
its not going to be funny.

DAVE HOWERY
(groans)
I’m suddenly filled with dread.

EXT. – CITY – DAY

We see a beautiful city; suddenly something from the sky comes flashing down.

A moment later we see a city in ruins.

INT. – SHIP - BRIDGE – DAY

Shot of the main view screen, we see a battered, bleeding man on the screen.

BATTERED MAN
Please.
For the love of all that’s holy.
Stop firing upon us.

VOICE
You know the conditions.

BATTERED MAN
WE AGREE TO THEM. PLEASE…

Pan to the command chair and we see a familiar figure. MIKE COLLINS.

He grins.

MIKE COLLINS
Excellent.

STRAHA
Hey, ask him if he’s got any weed.

MIKE COLLINS
God damn it. I told you not to speak when I’m
negotiating the surrender of a peace-loving planet!

STRAHA
Really? When?

MIKE COLLINS
(growls)
(to battered man)
We’ll be expecting our tribute post haste.
(to Straha)
I’ll deal with you later.
(to battered man)
Now. Send up my promised harem!

INT. – TRANSPORT SHIP – STEERAGE COMPARTMENT – DAY

CHINGO360 and ALT. LUAKEL are sitting upon the sole cot in the tiny cramped room.

ALT. LUAKEL
I can’t believe we actually found out
where our ship has been all this time.

CHINGO360
You just have to ask the right kinda people.

ALT. LUAKEL
And do the right kinda things…
(shudders)

CHINGO360
Soon we’ll be near our ship.
Soon everything will be right as rain.

ALT. LUAKEL
Yeah, but don’t we sorta have to take it back
from the guys who took it in the first place?
CHINGO360
We’ll get to that when we get to that.

ALT. LUAKEL
What does that mean?

CHINGO360
(grins)
I have my plans.

ALT. LUAKEL
Whatever, dude.
Wanna flip for the cot?

CHINGO360
No.

ALT. LUAKEL
(hopeful)
You want to share it?

CHINGO360
Hell no.

ALT. LUAKEL
You’re going to make me sleep
on the cold cold steel floor,
aren’t you?

CHINGO360
Of course.

ALT. LUAKEL
Asshole.

SUDDENLY the ship shudders and an alarm goes off.

ALT. LUAKEL races to a porthole and looks out.

ALT. LUAKEL
Holy crap! There’s a
big ass ship out there.
I think it’s firing upon us.

CHINGO360
Great. Just what we friggin’ need.

ALT. LUAKEL
What are we going to do?

CHINGO360
To the escape pods!

They run.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a vortex appear.

A moment later we see the AH.com ship exit it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT leans upon the armrest of his command chair, he’s looking intently at a small screen.

GBW
Doc. We’re here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hold on a minute. It’s just getting to the good part…
Oh, yeah, slice those tomatoes, you dirty girl.
Oh, god, yeah.

LANDSHARK
(glances to Doctor What and shudders)
I’ll never look at the Food Channel the same way again.

WEAPON M
Is it because Yuppie done whipped you crossed eyed?

LANDSHARK
Shut your hole, wanker.

GBW
Scans are reading something…

LANDSHARK
Be a little more vague, why don’t you?
What’s the bloody sensors for when you can’t
determine what you’re looking at?

There’s a crack and a yelp from LANDSHARK. IRON YUPPIE is lounging upon a chaise lounge, her electric yo-yo crackling.

IRON YUPPIE
Shush it, Sharky. I’m trying to get my beauty sleep.

LEO CAESIUS
You’re not going to like this.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then I’ll be gleefully ignorant of it.
Let’s just go find this treasure, get rich, and spend our days
lounging about stuffing dollar coins in stripper’s g-strings.

WEAPON M
And people wonder why I signed up for this ship.
(grins)

GBW
Oh, dear. This is not going to be a good thing, isn’t it, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
Nope.

DIAMOND
(sighs)
What are you two eggheads talking about?
Last time you did this, I ended up being shoved down a
torpedo tube in a space suit and left there for two days.

WEAPON M
Wasn’t that the time you got drunk and said you
could blow up a ship if we fired you at them?

DIAMOND
Oh, right.
Never mind.
Carry on.

GBW
I think you’ll have to take some interest in this, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Fine. It’s on a commercial break anyway.
What’s up?
We rich yet?

GBW
No sir. Sensors are showing a vessel in our flight path.
There are life signs.

LANDSHARK
Oh, for god’s sake, little man! Jus tell him what you bloody found!

GBW
The life signs are Neanderthal.

DOCTOR WHAT
Neat.
Cave men.
(shrugs and goes back to watching TV)

GBW
I know it’s been a while and we’ve had scores of adventures since then.
But don’t you remember that you were in love with a Neanderthal queen
who was carrying your child and wanted to eliminate the world from which
you came from? Then when she was defeated by Ward and the CF.net in
a climatic invasion of your Earth, she fled into your arms for protection.
Then after the CF.net kicked our asses in the battle for the Hub, while
you were under ASB control, she and her bodyguard fled?

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

GBW
I’m reading the life signs as those belonging to Adikor. Atta’s bodyguard.

DOCTOR WHAT
And where is Atta?

GBW
Who knows?
She’s not with him, but that can only mean she’s either parted
company with him or something unfortunate has occurred.

WEAPON M
Y’know what they say about assuming, GBW.

GBW
My assumptions are generally always right.

WEAPON M
Whatever, dude. I’ll be laughing last when we find out she’s safe and sound.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

We see a scarred and blacked earth, something dark and menacing is in orbit round it. The shape and size of the vessel is very familiar…

INT. – DARKENED ROOM – DAY

There is a panting noise. A small light flickers on and for a moment we see ATTA.

She’s tied to a chair and looks worse for wear.

There’s a flicker of light once more and the room is suddenly flooded with light.

A massive blast door opens up and an armored figure stalks in. the figure holds a massive weapon pointed at ATTA. The ARMORED FIGURE shoves the barrel of the weapon before ATTA’s face.

ARMORED FIGURE
Open your mouth and say “Ahhhh”

ATTA
Burn in the deepest depths of your hell, Human Scum.

ARMORED FIGURE
Heh. I like ‘em when they’re feisty.
You and me, baby. We’re gonna have some fun.

VOICE
Lay off her, Matt.

A figure walks into the room, a female figure, she’s short, lean, and mean looking. She wears a skin tight black outfit and a large tool belt from which hangs scores of nasty looking devices. She also looks very familiar.

In fact she’s the FEMALE version of DOCTOR WHAT.

And this is the MIRROR AH.COM SHIP.

The armored figure’s face place slides up to reveal MIRROR MATT leering down at ATTA, he has a goatee and a vicious looking scar across his face.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT snaps her fingers and MIRROR DAVE HOWERY scurries in with a chair. She sits down and a glass of wine appears at her side.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Now. You’ll have to tell me all about this.
(snaps fingers again)

MIRROR TORQUMADA comes into the room, pushing a baby carriage. We can see ATTA’s two children sleeping peacefully within it.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Testing shows it’s biologically similar to me.
In fact one could say it’s my children. Closer
quantum inspection shows that it’s actually
from an alternate of mine that I’ve had a few
run ins with. I’m very interested in knowing
how you came to be impregnated with his children.
Start from the beginning.
(grins)
And make it interesting or you’ll be enjoying Matt’s charms.

INT. – DARKENED ROOM – NIGHT

We hear sobbing.

A light flickers and for the briefest of moments we see a grinning face.

Then darkness.

The sobbing continues.

VOICE
That’s right. Cry. Cry. CRRRRYYY!!!

Suddenly the room is flooded with light and the massive blast doors slide open.

We see ROMULUS AGUSTULUS crouched before ALT. LUAKEL, who is tied up to a chair in the middle of the room, wearing nothing but a pair of leather shorts.

WARD
God damn it, Rommy.
Git yer ass outta here and leave that boy alone!

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS hisses and races out the room, cackling.

WARD
(shaking his head)
Boy ain’t right in the head.

GRIMM REAPER
Being held captive by a band of
Zuni Sadist tends to do that to a person.

WARD
(shrugs)
Gotta make an example of someone every now and then.
Don’t want anymore half assed mutiny’s occurring.

GRIMM REAPER
Coups, you mean sir?

WARD
(laughs)
(turns to Alt. Luakel)
Now. You.

ALT. LUAKEL
Please…
Don’t hurt me. I’m fragile and I look pretty.

WARD
Boy, you ain’t nowhere in the vicinity of pretty.

GRIMM REAPER
Fugly is the word kids are using these days, I think.

WARD
Damn right. You’re fugly.

ALT. LUAKEL
Please.. I’ll do anything.
(beat)
Anything.

WARD
(sighs)
Why is it they always go that route?

GRIMM REAPER
Promising sexual favors, sir?

WARD
Take it like a man, boy.

ALT. LUAKEL
What do you want?

WARD pulls forward a chair and sits down on it.

WARD
Your little friend caught out attention.
Says he’s looking for a hidden treasure

ALT. LUAKEL
You believed him?

WARD
Not so sure on that there, kid.
That’s why you’re still alive.

ALT. LUAKEL
Uh…

WARD
Tell us about this treasure.

ALT. LUAKEL
There’s no…
(beat, thinking)
Uh… yes, the treasure.
Uh…

WARD
Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER grabs ALT. LUAKEL by the ear and begins twisting.

ALT. LUAKEL
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you everything!

WARD sits back and opens a can of beer.

WARD
See, it ain’t that hard, kid.
Just do what we want and you’ll feel a lot less pain.

GRIMM REAPER steps forward and twists ALT. LUAKEL’s ear again.

WARD
Of course, its up to Grimm and if he’s
awilling to forgo the pleasure of hurtin’ you.

FADE OUT:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA peers into a large test tube. He taps it lightly and we see something shudder within it. He smiles to himself and set it upon a rack of similar test tubes. There’s a humming noise and we see BOBO floating across the Med Bay, settling upon TORQUMADA’s shoulder.

We pan to see a haggard looking DOCTOR WHAT leaning against a cabinet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at Bobo)
That seems to be a new ability.

TORQUMADA
Yeah. He’s been doing all sorts of new things lately.

BOBO
Bobo. Grow. Powerful.
Rule. Multi. Verse.

DOCTOR WHAT
Riiight…
We’ll deal with you later.
(yawns)

TORQUMADA
You been up all night?
Waiting for our guest to awaken?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nah, just been drinking heavily.

TORQUMADA
So a usual night?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yup.
So how’s the knuckle dragger doing?

TORQUMADA
Built tough. He’s suffering from some burns, deprived of oxygen,
inhaled some toxins, had a concussion, and a case of athlete’s foot.

DOCTOR WHAT
Poor bugger.

TORQUMADA
But he’s going to pull through.
We’ll be questioning him sooner than you
can say “I find that strangely arousing”.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
No way of getting a move on waking him up?

TORQUMADA
I can wake him, but I’ll just end up killing him.

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s in that bad of a shape?

TORQUMADA
No.

Long silence.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. Text me when he wakes up.
I’m gonna get some beauty sleep.

DOCTOR WHAT leaves the Med Bay.

TORQUMADA
(to Bobo)
Only death’s going to cure that man’s hideousness.
(laugh)

BOBO
HA. HA. HA.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FEM DOCTOR WHAT enters the Control Room. MIRROR KIT looks up.

MIRROR KIT
Captain. We’ve just received a message from one of our Tithe Planets.
It seems that they’ve been attacked and are requesting out help.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(frowns)
What manner of low browed illiterate bastard
would dare attack a world we called dibs on?

INT. – IP.NET SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

MIKE COLLINS is leaning on a day bed, grinning.

A group of half naked women cater to his every need.

MIKE COLLINS
(Sipping wine)
This is why I became the bad ass I am now.
(grins)
(to the women)
Start jumping up and down.
Now!

The women begin jumping up and down.

MIKE COLLINS
It’s good to be the baddest bad ass in the Mulitverse.

EXT.- SPACE

We see the CF.NET ship slip into a vortex.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the MIRROR AH.COM ship slip into a vortex.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (Voice over)
Bloody fools. They think they can attack what is rightfully ours?
I shall personally introduce them to the meaning of pain…

MIRROR KIT (voice over)
Shall I prepare the forks, sir?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (voice over)
Do so.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see the MIRROR AH.COM ship exit a vortex. In the distance we see the IP.NET ship.

INT. – IP.NET SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

There’s a beeping noise.

MIKE COLLINS lifts his head, he’s bleary eyed and the front of his rich robes are stained with food and drink.

MIKE COLLINS
The hell?

A staggering STRAHA moves toward a control panel, he stares at it and then passes out.

MIKE COLLINS staggers over to a chair and hits a button.

COMPUTER VOICE
Automatic defensive measures activated.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM - DAY

MIRROR WEAPON M grins, hovering over the weapons control panel.

MIRROR WEAPON M
Shall I say hello?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(sipping on glass of wine)
Make it so.

MIRROR WEAPON M grins..

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The IP.NET ship seems to sluggishly move away from the MIRROR AH.COM ship, when suddenly the MIRROR AH.COM ship explode with brilliant light.

Harsh bright flashes of the particle cannons flare across the distance between the two ships, along with missiles, and other numerous weapons. The IP.NET ship shudders and rocks, then it becomes motionless.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MIRROR WEAPON M
Defenses are down.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (into comm unit)
Matt. Take a couple of the guys and
bring me back whomever’s in charge.
Make sure to handle them with care.

MIRROR MATT (in comm)
Heck, yes. Sir.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT leans back in her chair, sipping her wine.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Kit. Contact the planet.
Tell them to send up some entertainment.
I’ll be in my quarters.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT rises and leaves.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY – DAY

MIRROR MATT picks up a heavy pistol and straps it to his armor. Around him, MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO. MIRROR DMA, and MIRROR DIAMOND are arming for the fight. They all wear an array of battle armor that are covered with skulls, crossbones, and in the case of DMA rabid looking kangaroos.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (on comm)
Oh, I forgot to say.
Take an engineer.
I want their computers downloaded and anything useful tagged.

MIRROR MATT
Damn it. Those fucking engineers will just get in the way.

MIRROR DIAMOND
Y’know Dave ain’t gonna let us have G.Bone…
He’s gonna saddle us with Psychomeltdown.

MIRROR MATT
(realization)
Aw, fuck.
Aw, fuck.
AW, FUCK!

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

MIRROR DAVE HOWERY set down the comm unit. He does not look happy.

He makes his way past machines into a dark dark corner. We see a figure rocking back and forth, trash is strewn about the figure, discarded lipstick, makeup containers, and clothing lie upon the deck.

MIRROR DAVE HOWERY pauses a moment and shudders.

MIRROR DAVE HOWERY
(a beat)
Psycho.
(clears throat)
You’re needed on an away mission!

FIGURE
Psycho? Psycho?
(voice growing louder)
Psycho?
PSYCHO!????
I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME ALYSON!!!

The figure turns around to reveal a horrible creature. Whereas MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is completely female, MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN seems more to be a badly mangled mixture of the two sexes. Makeup is heavily applied to his/her face, lipstick is caked to his/her mouth, and his/her hair is badly dyed into a too red color.

He/she looks like a too gaunt and pale clown in a tattered dirty red dress, revealing hairy legs, and dainty hands with huge forearms. The eyes are pure insanity.

PSYCHOALYSON
I’M ALYSON! I’M ALYSON!
I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME ALYSON!

PSYCHOALYSON throws a mirror against the bulkhead and begins screaming.

MIRROR DAVE HOWERY
(backs away)
Just go ,damn it.
And don’t come back.

PSYCHOALYSON
Tell me I’m pretty!

MIRROR DAVE HOWERY quickly walks away.

PSYCHOALYSON
TELL ME I’M PRETTY!!!!

INT. – IP.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

There is a sharp crack and the Mirror AH.COM assault team appears in their heavy combat armor. MIRROR MATT raises a hand and cautiously moves forward, there’s suddenly a high pitch squeal and some kind of robotic device launches at them. It’s small and has a big laser attached to two small spindly legs.

MIRROR MATT raises his BFG and blasts it away. Suddenly there are scores of the robotic device begin appearing.

MIRROR MATT
What the fuck?

The robotic devices begin firing lasers at the group. They hunker down and fall back into a alcove.

MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO
I thought this was going to be a walk in the park?

MIRROR MATT
Shut it.
(pulls out a grenade)
Fire in the hole, asshats!

MIRROR MATT tosses the grenade. There’s an explosion.

Everything is quiet for a moment, then there is a horrendous groaning sound.

MIRROR DMA
Bloody hell, is that…

Pan down the corridor and we see the bulkhead explode outward. The surviving robotic devices fly out, along with debris, and atmosphere.

MIRROR MATT
Hell yeah. Ain’t nothing you can’t
solve with major fucking firepower.

MIRROR DIAMOND
Dude. I like the way you think, man.
Let’s storm the ship and see if there’s
any wimminfolk to pillage.

MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO
Huzzah!

The assault team storms down the corridor firing off their weapons at anything and everything.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

WARD is sitting on a chair, feet kicked upon the main table. GRIMM REAPER walks into the room.

GRIMM REAPER
Sir, we’re beginning to exit transit space.
Orders?

WARD thinks for a moment.

WARD
Shoot anything and everything.
Then toss those two kids outta an airlock.

GRIMM REAPER
Can I kick the ugly on in the crotch before I do, sir?

WARD
Yes. Yes you can.

GRIMM REAPER skips away happily.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – FEM DOC’S QUARTERS – DAY

A troupe of lovely women are standing in a line, they all look nervous and scared.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(chanting voice)
Einy, Meany. Miney, Moe.
Catch a tiger by it’s toe…

MIRROR KIT (on comm)
Sorry to interrupt, sir.
But we’ve captured the ship and the two commanding it.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Were they harmed?

MIRROR KIT
Diamond accidentally mistook the fat one for a woman…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, that Diamond.
(laughs)
Bring them to the control room.
I’ll be up shortly.
(returns to troupe)
I can never make up my mind.
All of you, in the bed. Now!

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT enters the CONTROL ROOM.

MIRROR MATT, MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO, and MIRROR DMA stand guard over a battered and beaten STRAHA and MIKE COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS
Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am???
You’ll pay for this you stupid bi-

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
That one talks too much.

MIRROR MATT punches MIKE COLLINS.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Do it again. Harder

MIRROR MATT punches MIKE COLLINS. Harder.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
(sits down in command chair)
Alright. You’re changed with trespassing, attempting to
extract tribute from a world that we own, and for generally
being ugly assholes. For that I think I’ll kill you then toss
your corpse to Luakel to play with. What do you think of that?

MIRROR LUAKEL
Oh, captain. I ever do love corpses to play with.
They’re up for anything. Anything…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What did I tell you about speaking up in my presence?

MIRROR LUAKEL
Sorry, sir.

MIKE COLLINS
I am one of the-

MIRROR MATT punches MIKE COLLINS hard.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Now. First of all.
I want to you kiss my boots. Then we’ll proceed like civilized folk.

MIKE COLLINS visibly struggles to maintain his dignity, but MIRROR MATT cracks his knuckles menacingly.

MIKE COLLINS kisses FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT’s boots.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I love bending others to my warped will.
(laughs)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and TORQUMADA are standing beside the bed that’s holding ADIKOR. The Neanderthal is awake and staring at them.

ADIKOR
I though it was hopeless that I would find you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Which reminds me. How did you find us?

ADIKOR
We planted a tracking device in your ship,
the last time we were here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude, that’s not cool.
We didn’t even know where you and Atta went.
And you know all this time where we were?

ADIKOR
It was on the orders of my mistress.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah. About that…

ADIKOR
You must help her.

DOCTOR WHAT
I remember that spiel before…
The way I remember it, it didn’t
work out too well for me and mine.

ADIKOR
You must. For she has been captured.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crazy chick deserves what she gets.

ADIKOR
The also have your children…

DOCTOR WHAT
Children? As in plural form?
(beat)
Fuck.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.COM ship enter a vortex.

KIT (voice over)
Next stop, putting our arses on the line for a hairy wench.
Yay…

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT stands over a crib. The child within gurgles and waves it stubby arms at her.

MIRROR TORQUMADA enters the room, carrying a vat of organs.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
Something I can do for you, captain?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I have this odd feeling.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
The one that leads to killin’, sir?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not sure.
(stars at the children)
I’m not sure what is happening.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
Want me to run some scans, sir?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a pair of bloodstained teddy bears and sets it beside the children. They begin gurgling happily and FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT smiles.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I have this odd feeling.
And I don’t like it…

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is in his command chair.

FAEELIN
Sir, we’re entering normal space.

WARD
Alright, boys. Power up the weapons, raise the defensive screens,
and for god’s sake get Rommy to stop humping the callbox.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MIRROR GBW looks up.

He turns to MIRROR GREY WOLF.

MIRROR GBW
Sir. We’ve got a vortex opening.

MIRROR GREY WOLF
Yeah?

MIRROR GBW
Scans showing they’re heavily armed.

MIRROR GREY WOLF
Righto. Raise shields, power up weapons.
Looks like some bloke’s in for a fight.
(grins)
And I thought this was gonna be a boring shift.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FAEELIN
We’re detecting a single ship in orbit.
Another in a decaying orbit, badly damaged.

WARD
(grins)
Open fire.
Kill them.
Then we raid the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The crew is gathered.

WEAPON M
I knew that hairy bitch was trouble the first time we rescued her.

MATT
You said you’d nail that in a minute.

WEAPON M
Still don’t mean I didn’t think she was trouble.

FLOCCULENCIO
So, Doc. What’s the plan?

DOCTOR WHAT
We shift in. We’ve got a homing device planted on the ship that Atta was on.
So we know where she’s at. The problem is that we don’t know who’s got her.
Adikor was a bit sketchy on the details didn’t have much time to find out.

DAVE HOWERY
So it’s our usual go in blind and dumb and
hope we don’t get one rammed in the ass?

KIT
Speaking of which…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yup. Also we’re gonna do our usual thing too.

WEAPON M
Get our asses kicked and run like hell?

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. Let me rephrase that.
We’ll be doing what we on rare occasions do, when firepower
and luck are heavily stacked on our side.

MATT
Kick ass?

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck yeah.

WEAPON M
(grins)
Fuck yeah.

 

 

END ACT I

ACT II

 

 

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – HOLDING CELL – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT paces back and forth before the cell. We can see ATTA sitting in the cell, watching her warily.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What have you done?

ATTA
I do not know what you’re asking…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Do not lie to me, woman.
What manner of creatures have you
created with your woman parts?

ATTA
I’m still not understanding what you are meaning…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(growls)
This is unacceptable!
I cannot have this!
What have you done!

ATTA only huddles in the holding cell, confused and terrified by FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT storms out of the Holding Cell, MIRROR HENDRYK follows her out.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – CONTINUING

MIRROR HENDRYK catches up with FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT.

MIRROR HENDRYK
(Worried)
Sir? What is the matter?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a tazer and shocks MIRROR HENDRYK with it. He goes down squealing in pain. There’s a savage angry look on FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

MIRROR HENDRYK
Sir!
Arrrriggggghhhhh!

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
There’s a drawback to this female form, Hendryk.
A disgusting horrible drawback.

MIRROR HENDRYK
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Fucking maternal instincts…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT storms off, leaving a sobbing MIRROR HENDRYK on the deck.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is standing before the huge observation port. He’s sipping a glass of brandy. We see the swirly multicolors of Transit Space.

GREY WOLF enters the room and stands beside him.

GREY WOLF
Everything’s secure, sir.
Just awaiting exit into normal space.

DOCTOR WHAT
How are the crew?

GREY WOLF
Doing their usual pre combat routine.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Nods)
Tell them being too drunk to fight is not a valid excuse.

GREY WOLF
I’ll make sure DMA knows that.

There’s a long silence.

GREY WOLF
So… Atta again, eh?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.
(Sighs)
She tops the list of ugly chicks
I completely regret doing.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY– DAY

WEAPON M, MATT, FLOCCULENCIO, DMA, and DIAMOND are sitting around drinking beer.

MATT
It’s the calm before the storm, dudes.
In a couple of minutes we could all die.

DIAMOND
Jesus Christ, must you always be a buzzkill?
I’m drinking and contemplating my life here.

FLOCCULENCIO
Shouldn’t that only take you about five seconds
before you realize it’s been a shitty run?

DIAMOND
Well, at least let me enjoy my beer.

FLOCCULENCIO
(makes a face)
Horrible American brew.
There’s this place in-

WEAPON M
Did you just insult the finest beer in the world?
(stands up)
I don’t take kindly to people dissing my beer.

DMA
Hey, Lee. Tell us about that one time you had that threesome.

WEAPON M
(grinning)
Well see there was this time-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

The engines are chugging along and monitors are displaying information.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN and G.BONE are standing before the doorway into the Smoking Room, both dressed in fine livery.

G.BONE
This is totally demeaning.
I mean, I’m a teleportation tube operator.
Do you know how many online classes I had to take to get certified?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude. Shut up.
We’re getting Friday off if we do this.

G.BONE
This is still totally demeaning.

There’s a snap and we pan into the Smoking Room to see DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA KNIGHTLY snuggling upon one of the overstuffed leather chairs.

DAVE HOWERY
Less talking and more champagne pouring, livery monkey.

G.BONE glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN and pulls a champagne bottle from it’s tub of ice.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
We’re going into battle once more?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, m’dear. Once again your studdly bearded man is going to fight
the good fight and bring peace and harmony back to the multiverse.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Shall you be in the engine rooms?

DAVE HOWERY
But I’ll be the one they’re counting on.

G.BONE (sotto voce)
Yeah, he’ll be screaming and running around with his hands in the air.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh, you are so brave.

The two are lost in a passionate embrace.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, this is why I don’t mind doing this.
(gestures to the couple)

G.BONE
What?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grinning)
Just wait…

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Make love to me, you studdly bearded man!

G.BONE gets hit with a blouse. He quickly pulls it off and stares.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(leering)
Oh, yeeeeaaaahhh….

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting in his piloting suite. He checks a few monitors, types a few buttons, and leans back, closing his eyes.

He opens his eyes and hits a button, a microphone descends from the ceiling.

GBW (clearing throat)
Ahem. One minute to entering normal space.
One minute to entering normal space.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - ARMORY – DAY

FLOCCULENCIO backhands DIAMOND.

FLOCCULENCIO
Bloody hell, who knew he couldn’t hold his liquor.

WEAPON M
Beer, damn it. I told you just to give him beer!

FLOCCULENCIO backhands DIAMOND once more.

DIAMOND sputters to life, his eyes bleary.

FLOCCULENCIO
Up and at them, boyo.
We’ve got fighting to do.

DIAMOND
Give me five more minutes…
(passes out)

FLOCCULENCIO prepares to backhand him again.

WEAPON M
Wait! Wait! Wait!
(At Flocc’s questioning look)
I want to do it.
(grins)

INT. – ENGINEERING LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is buttoning up his Engineering coverall, while G.BONE is nearly folding his livery coat.

G.BONE
(Pauses and shakes head)
It wasn’t cold in there, was it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nope.

G.BONE
(Pulls out coverall)
Yeah…

They continue getting ready in silence.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, WEAPON M takes up his weapons control position, KIT settles at his communication area, and IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK settle in a pair of chairs, sharing a bowl of popcorn.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any suggestions for inspiring words?

WEAPON M
Don’t die, shitheads?

DOCTOR WHAT
I used that two days ago.

KIT
Come back on your shields or
don’t come back at all?

DOCTOR WHAT
We lost half the crew to desertion
when we used that one last time.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m always fond of:
“Better you than me”

DOCTOR WHAT
Bah. I’ll just wing it.
(into comm)
Kick ass, boys, and don’t take names.
(leans back happily)

IRONYUPPIE
I still liked mine far better.

LANDSHARK
I liked it, Yuppie.

IRONYUPPIE
Shut up, Landshark.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM SHIP exits a vortex. The ship pauses for a moment.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT rises from his seat.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well…
(Beat)
This is interesting.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The MIRROR AH.COM SHIP and CF.NET ship are in close range of one another. Missiles, particle beams, lasers, and a few cannonballs fly between the two ships. Their defensive screens flash and flare, but nothing seems to get through.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM - DAY

WARD sits in his command chair.

WARD
This is oddly disappointing.

GRIMM REAPER
I feel gypped.
Very gypped.

WARD
Midgard. Why haven’t we invaded their ship yet?

MIDGARD
Sir. They seem to be about evenly matched.

WARD
Fine. Fire the Big Ass Cannon.

MIDGARD
Aye, sir!
Firing Cannon.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.NET ship fires it’s main cannon. There’s a massive burst of light and the MIRROR AH.COM ship takes the hit, but it begins to drift.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD
Status?

FAEELIN
Their shields are down.

WARD
Send over the assault team.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

There is a flash and MIDGARD and BULGARKOTONOS appear.

BULGARKOTONOS
I’m not sure if I should be proud of the fact that
when we board a ship, we’re the only two they send over.

MIDGARD
Think of it this way. We’re so fucking bad ass that it only
takes two of us to take a ship full of wannabe bad asses.

BULGARKOTONOS
I like your point.

MIDGARD
Let’s rock and roll.

MIDGARD pulls out his guitar and begins playing.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a sudden massive flash from the MIRROR AH.COM ship. The CF.NET ship has a chunk torn off its hull. The MIRRO AH.COM ship also has a chunk torn from it.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – DAY

WARD
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!!!

FAEELIN
Some kind of massive energy wave.
Our shields are down…
Main weapons are down.

WARD
God damn it, Midgard!
(beat)
Fire the close in weapons.
Snuggle up to them and pound the hell outta them

The ship rocks.

INT. – CF.NET. SHIP – CONTROL ROM – DAY

A console explodes and rains sparks upon FAEELIN and DOMINUSNOVUS. They hunch over and continue working.

WARD looks at a read out of a scan.

WARD
(pointing)
What the hell is this?

FAEELIN
Sir?

WARD
This signature.
It says it ain’t human.

FAEELIN
Can’t be sir.
(checks scan)
Wait.
(hits button)
Er.. It says its Neanderthal, sir.
Female…

WARD
Them Bastards?
(growls)

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, boy. Here we go again.

WARD
Is it that bitch?

FAEELIN
(gulping)
Yes, sir.
Scans show three non human life forms on board.
One is the Neanderthal, according to our genetic
database, it is the one named Atta, the others are…
I’m not sure. The reading are mixed. A male and female.
Both no more than six months. Neither fully
Neanderthal nor fully human…

WARD
(grinning)
You know what this is, Grimm?

GRIMM REAPER
The spawn of What?

WARD
Hell yes.

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent. We shall retrieve those spawn and
bring misery upon that interspecies mating fiend.

WARD
Took the words right outta my mouth.
(to Rommy)
Boy, get me my gun.
My big gun.
I’m going Caveman hunting.

GRIMM REAPER
Technically Cavewoman.

WARD
Shut it, Grimm.
Pick up your poking stick.

The two men leave the Control Room.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT glares at MIRROR GBW.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What do you mean we’ve been boarded?

MIRROR GBW
Sorry, sir. I’ve got teleportation signatures. A group of
four boarders have gained entry into our ship. They’re…
making their way toward the cell holding our captive.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(frowning)
They’re here for the cavewoman?

MIRROR GBW
I’m afraid it’s more than that, sir. They obviously may
be here for that woman, but they will also know that we
have that woman’s child. I’m reading two boarders are
breaking off. They’re headed to... your quarters?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(grabs GBW by the neck of his uniform)
Tell Lee to get his goons down there
and keep them out of my quarters!

MIRROR GBW
Yes, sir!

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Yuppie! Get me my gun!

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
Your big gun, sir?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
No, my little gun!

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Jebus, what a bitch.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – HOLDING CELL – DAY

ALT. LUAKEL and CHINGO360 are sitting in a cell. They both look depressed and bored. The holding cell rocks and in the distance you can hear the sounds of explosions and whatnot.

ALT. LUAKEL
Told ya.

CHINGO360
Shut up, already.
Its better than working at Multiverse Mart.

ALT. LUAKEL
We’re gonna die, y’know.

CHINGO360
I stand by my earlier statement.

The door to the holding area slides open and ROMULUS AGUSTULUS walks in, carrying a plasma rifle.

CHINGO360
What do you want?

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
I’m here to guard you.
Although I should be murdering the occupants of the ship
we are attacking, unfortunately, I’m too essential to the function
of this ship to be put in such danger.

CHINGO360
Yeah? What do you do?
Beyond being bat shit crazy weird?

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
I make the captain’s bed.

ALT. LUAKEL
Are there positions open on this ship?
I really don’t wanna die. I got to watch
the final season of Battlestar Galactica.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
There is only one position for captured scum!
On your knees!

CHINGO360
Told ya, bat shit crazy weird.

ALT. LUAKEL
I can do that.
(gets on his knees)
See…

CHINGO360
My god, man. Have you completely lost your senses.

ALT. LUAKEL
Dude, I don’t wanna die.
How many times must I say that before you understand?

CHINGO360
You really think they’ll accept you onto their ship after you do that?

ALT. LUAKEL
Hey, its worth a shot.

CHINGO360
No, its really not. You think he’d go for it?

They turn to look at ROMULUS AGUSTULUS who’s salivating at the mouth and undoing his belt. With his free hand he hits a button and the heavy bars slide away.

CHINGO360
Jesus…

ALT. LUAKEL
Just look away, dude.
Just look away…

CHINGO360
Oh, god…

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS advances upon ALT. LUAKEL. Suddenly ALT. LUAKEL jumps up and kicks ROMULUS AGUSTULUS in the crotch.

ALT. LUAKEL
Grab the gun!

CHINGO360
(just staring)
What?

ALT. LUAKEL
Grab the gun!

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS groans and rises to his knees.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
(in obvious pain)
Kill you…

ALT. LUAKEL kicks ROMULUS AGUSTULUS in the crotch again.

ALT. LUAKEL
Grab the fucking gun!

CHING360 finally moves, snapping up the plasma rifle.

The two quickly get out of the cell, ALT. LUAKEL hitting a button and causing the heavy bars to descend.

ALT. LUAKEL
Ha! Enjoy your stay, fucktard.

CHINGO360
Dude. That was cool.
I thought you were gonna be man meat for sure.

ALT. LUAKEL
Dude. You really think I’d do that just to live

CHINGO360
Yes.

ALT. LUAKEL
Well, you’re right. But when you see an opportunity, you go for it.

CHINGO360
Let’s get off this fucking ship.

ALT. LUAKEL
Hell, yes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WEAPON M
Well, we could just kick back and
wait for them to kill one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
One of those ship’s got my kids on it.

IRONYUPPIE
We ain’t leaving until we get Doc’s babies!

KIT
For Doc’s Babies!
Charrrrrrggggg!!!

Everyone looks at KIT.

KIT
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing.
Scan ‘em and fire at the one
that don’t have my kid on it.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

WARD is standing in the middle of a corridor, plasma, lasers, and bullets fly by him, but he doesn’t duck or hide. Instead he fires his .357 down the corridor, the augmented bullets tearing huge holes in the bulkheads.

There’s a beeping sound and WARD stops firing. GRIMM REAPER throws a grenade down the corridor, covering WARD’s stepping back into the alcove GRIMM is using as cover.

WARD (into comm)
What the hell is it?


FAEELIN (on comm)
Sir. We’ve got the AH.com ship on our scans.
They’re coming in on an attack vector.

WARD
How the hell did they sneak up on us?

FAEELIN
Our sensors have been damaged.
We’ve just detected them…

WARD
Fucking hell. Is everyone welcomed to this party?

FAEELIN
What are we going to do sir?

WARD
If they fucking attack, shoot back.
I’ve got business to take care of.

WARD ends the communication and reloads his gun.

GRIMM REAPER
Trouble?

WARD
The damned AH.commers are here.

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, joy.
I’m assuming they just forgot to RSVP?

WARD
Just means we can’t be taking the scenic route.

GRIMM REAPER
I was getting a little bored playing with them.
(pulls out scythe)
Shall I?

WARD
Psychotics before beauty, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER changes the MIRROR AH.COM CREW defenders, screaming like a banshee.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COMSHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT, MIRROR IRONYUPPIE, and MIRROR OTHNIEL are storming down the corridor.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?

The come across unconscious MIRROR MATT, MIRROR DMA, and MIRROR MICHAEL.

MIRROR MATT
(groaning)
Jesus. Were we hit by a bus?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Where are they?

MIRROR MATT
Dunno, sir.
I just remember a skinny screaming man in a black cloak…
(pats himself)
Aw, shit. I think he took my wallet too!

FEMALE DOCOTR WHAT screams and throws MIRROR MATT back onto the floor. She pulls out her small gun and checks the load.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(points to Mirror Othniel)
Go in.
(points to open door)

MIRROR OTHNIEL gulps and charges into the room, yelling.

A moment later he’s thrown back by a blast from a .357.

MIRROR OTHNIEL
Ow….
(passed out)

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
You’re trapped.
There’s no way out.

WARD
(shouting)
I ain’t one for shooting womenfolk, missy.
Best you leave and let us be. Else I’ll put a
hole through you big enough to drive a tractor through.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(rolls eyes)
Well, isn’t he articulate?
(To Ward)
Didn’t anyone every tell you not to fuck with women?

WARD
I’ve been married.
I ain’t dumb.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a comm unit.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone.
Now.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT and MIRROR IRONYUPPIE vanish in a loud pop.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – FEM DOC’S QUARTERS – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER are standing a brightly decorated room, flowers, birds, and all manner of childish decorations cover the walls. In the center of the room is a cradle.

GRIMM REAPER has the two kids in his arms. He looks very uncomfortable.

WARD (into comm)
The hell you mean the teleporters are down?

FAEELIN
Sir, we’re getting battered up here.
(explosion in the background)

WARD
God Damn useless. All of them.

GRIMM REAPER
Agree completely sir.
Can I kill them?

WARD
You just might have to.

There’s suddenly a loud pop.

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE smacks GRIMM REAPER with the butt of her rifle, knocking him flat. FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT shoves her gun into WARD’s face.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Now. Unhand my babies.

WARD
You’re making a big damned mistake lady.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
You can call me Bruno.

WARD
(eyes narrowing)
Right. I had heard one of That Bastard What’s
alternates had turned into a woman.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Nice to meet you.
Now put the children back into their crib.

There’s a sudden explosion, the ship rocks violently.

WARD moves, snapping out his right fist and catching FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT in the chin, her head snaps back and she slumps to the floor, dropping her gun. MIRROR IRONYUPPIE fires her rifle, but GRIMM REAPER, now conscious, kicks her legs out from under her.

WARD pulls out his .357 and fires a shot at her. She grunts and passes out.

GRIMM REAPER
Ow. I prefer bringing pain to others than receiving it.

WARD
Grab the kids.
We’re heading out.

GRIMM REAPER
How?

WARD pulls out his comm unit.

WARD
Midgard!

MIDGARD (on comm)
Yeah?

WARD
You got that bitch yet?

MIDGARD (on comm)
A bit of trouble there, sir.
Seems we’ve got a half dozen others guarding her.

WARD
(thinking)
Fuck it. Leave her.
We’ve got something better.
Get your ass back onto the ship.

MIDGARD (on comm)
Aw, we were just starting to have fun.

WARD
Fortyseven!

FORTYSEVEN (on comm)
Sir?

WARD
Teleport us out of here.

FORTYSEVEN (on comm)
Trying sir…

WARD
Try harder.
Or die.

FORTYSEVEN (on comm)
Teleporting away!

WARD and GRIMM REAPER vanish with a loud pop.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT groans and rises to her feet. She rubs her jaw.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
GBW. WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GO?

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
They’ve teleported back to their ship.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Tell Lee to get his goons over there and get those kids back.

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
Sir, they’ve also taken the Neanderthal woman.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Great. What more can happen?
Get to that ship and get them back.

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
Sir. Uh.. we’ve got a bigger problem.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What’s that?

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
We’ve been boarded.
By the AH.commers.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, hell.
Get Matt to get some men and-

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
Sir, they-

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, long time no see.

DOCTOR WHAT, WEAPON M, MATT, DIAMOND, DMA, and FLOCCULENCIO are standing there armed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lee, you, DMA, and Matt go and see if you can get to Atta.

WEAPON M
Fuck. I drew the short straw?

DOCTOR WHAT
Flocc, Diamond, make sure we’re not bothered here.

FLOCCULENCIO
Right.
(beat)
Y’know you don’t look bad as a girl.
A bit skinny, but still doable.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve killed better men for less.

FLOCCULENCIO
I find that strangely arousing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get our of here, Flocc.

DIAMOND and FLOCCULENCIO leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now we talk.
Like civilized folk.

DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a plasma pistol.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA grips a table as the ship rocks. BOBO makes an uneasy noise.

TORQUMADA
Its going to be alright, Bobo.
We always come through a fight.

BOBO
BOBO. SCARED.
BOBO. GO. HIDE.

BOBO floats off, disappearing through a door.

ADIKOR
What’s going on?
(groans)

TORQUMADA
Now, see. You shouldn’t be up.
(picks up syringe)

ADIKOR
What’s going on?

TORQUMADA
We’re just attacking the Mirror AH.com ship and the CF.net ship
to recapture the love child of Doctor What. The CF.net ship also
sent over some uglies that IRONYUPPIE and the others are cleaning up,
our engines are down and weapons are down.
About the usual Wednesday thing.

ADIKOR
This is how he saves my Mistress?
I had thought he would have had a better plan,
than just straight out attacking them.

TORQUMADA
This is Doctor What we’re talking about. The most complicated
plan he had was attempting to trick two free lap dances from a stripper.
That didn’t work out too well…

ADIKOR
I must go…

TORQUMADA
You’re not going anywhere.
Just lie back and let the happy drugs take you away.

ADIKOR suddenly rises and snatches the syringe from TORQUMADA. With the same speed he plunges it into TORQUMADA’s arm and the other man slumps to the floor.

ADIKOR
I was wrong to come here.
They will only kill her because of this…

He leaves the Med Bay.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

G.BONE has his feet kicked up on the control console and is using a pair of scissors to cut out a BABES OF STAR TREK calendar.

G.BONE
You’re going in my special scrapbook.

Suddenly ADIKOR walks in.

G.BONE
Hey, aren’t you supposed to be sedated?

ADIKOR punches G.BONE, flooring him.

ADIKOR stands behind the control console and begins taps out commands. The computer beeps and acknowledges the input. He then vanishes with a pop.

G.BONE
(strained voice)
Don’t look at me in this disgraced position.
(pushes calendar away from him with foot)
(beings sobbing)

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

ADIKOR appears with a pop.

DARK SLAVIK looks up from where he’s binding a gerbil in duct tape.

DARK SLAVIK
What the fuc-

ADIKOR punches DARK SLAVIK and picks up a pistol lying upon a table. The gerbil gnaws off the duct tape and scurries to a rack of cages filled with other gerbils. It begins gnawing upon the cage latch.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – HOLDING CELL– DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER are standing, two cribs occupy the Dungeon.

GRIMM REAPER
You sure this is a good place for kids?
It seems kind of dark and the reek of fear
and blood does lie heavy in here.

WARD
I grew up in a dungeon.
I came out a’ight.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir…

WARD
Since we have everything we came for,
I think its best we moved along.

GRIMM REAPER
Did we not come for treasure and mayhem?

WARD
We’ve got the kids and
We’ve got the woman.
What else do we need?

GRIMM REAPER
Treasure and mayhem?

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – FEM DOC’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT holds a plasma pistol at FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT’S head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where are the kids

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
You don’t have the balls.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look who’s talking.
Where are the kids?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
They were taken.

DOCTOR WHAT
By who?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Whom.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not in the mood here.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Some old guy and a jaundice looking crazy fellow, Kinda cute.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude, you’re a guy in a girl’s body
Get a handle of yourself.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I have and do.
Every night.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
I’m not even going to say it…
(opens comm unit)
Grey?

GREY WOLF (on comm)
Sir?

DOCTOR WHAT
Scan the CF.net ship.
Are the kids on it?

GREY WOLF (on comm)
We’re reading that they are.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.
Ward’s got them.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
I’m guessing he’s not here to save the children?

DOCTOR WHAT
More like kill them.
He’s got some grudge against me. Long story.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
He cannot hurt those children.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suspicious)
Yeah?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(grinding teeth)
I have become somewhat attached to them…

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, Jebus.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
They are genetically similar enough to be MY own children.
After all we are both genetically identical, just from different universes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude, you got girl parts. I don’t.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Prior to my gender change.

DOCTOR WHAT
And that is still freaking me out…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Those children will be mine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Like hell they will be.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Over your dead body?

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE rises from the ground, holding her rifle. She’s also holding the gunshot to her stomach.

DOCTOR WHAT
Flocc!

There’s a clamor and DOCTOR WHAT turns to see, MIRROR MATT and MIRROR DMA enter the room. They shove the unconscious bodies of DIAMOND and FLOCCULENCIO before them.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m open for negotiations…
(into comm)
G.Bone teleport me out.

G.BONE (on comm)
Can’t. I’m locked out.
That Neanderthal did something.
He’s got control of it now…

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck!

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE snatches the comm unit from his hand. MIRROR DMA pulls the pistol from his hands. MIRROR MATT shoves the barrels of his BFG against DOCTOR WHAT’s head.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Take him to the torture room.
Tell Lee to gather up what he has remaining
and join me in the teleportation room.
We’ve got some babies to rescue.

MIRROR MATT
Huh? Babies?
You mean babes?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Shut up and do as I say!

MIRROR MATT takes DOCTOR WHAT and drags him from the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’ll never get away with this.
My crew will rescue me!!

MIRROR DMA
We’ve captured the rest of the Wussy AH.com crew.
We’ve got them in the holding cells. Do you want us to kill them?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(frowns)
Not now.
I’ve got things to do.

MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
What are your orders, sir?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(pacing)
There’s an old adage that’s been said many a time.
Don’t fuck with a woman who used to be a man.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
I’m going to go out on a limb here and
suspect that Doctor What will not be
pleased with this new development.

WARD
Fuck him.
He’ll bitch and whine and he’ll ATTEMPT
to take these things from us, but it’ll be a
cold day in hell when he succeeds.
(grins)
How go repairs on the shift engines?

GRIMM REAPER
Kilngirl says they’ll be up and
running in a matter of minutes.

WARD
Status on the other ships?

GRIMM REAPER
The Mirror AH.com ship is still out of commission.
The AH.com ship is still dealing with Slavik’s animals.
The IP.net ship is adrift and pretty much useless.

WARD
A damn shame we’re in no shape to
knock out the AH.com ship as we speak.
Best thing we can do is shift the hell out of here.

GRIMM REAPER
Strategic withdrawal, sir.
I like that.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, a battered LANDSHARK, and HENDRYK enter.

IRONYUPPIE
Ow. I’m officially stating that I’m never dealing
with half squid, half bear, half man things again.

LANDSHARK
They oddly taste like chicken.

The three look at GREY WOLF who’s loading a pistol. KIT is also nervously loading a gun. He smiles weakly. GBW sits at the piloting suite, fingers typing away.

IRONYUPPIE
What’s going on?

GREY WOLF
The Mirror crew has captured
Doctor What and the others.

IRONYUPPIE
And the kids?

GREY WOLF
They’re on the CF.net ship.

IRONYUPPIE
Which are you going to?

GREY WOLF
(holsters pistol)
(opens comm unit)
Dave. How go the repairs?

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
I’m having a hell of a time fixing the weapons,
the engines, and the shields. Which you want first?

GREY WOLF
Doc’s been captured.
Get the weapons back online.

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
Righto.

GREY WOLF
GBW how are the teleporters.

GBW
(sighs)
That Neanderthal was actually pretty damn good
at messing with our computers. I’ve managed to
locate the control subroutine he added, but it’s
going to take some time to eliminate it all.

GREY WOLF
Get them working.
You’ve got five minutes.

GBW
I’ll be done in three.

The doors slide open and THANDE walks in. His lab coat is in tatters and he’s covered in some kind of white residue. He wearily flops into a seat.

LANDSHARK
Finished off those crawling sluglike things on the lower decks?

THANDE
They could not withstand the awesome power of chemistry.

IRONYUPPIE
What did you use?

THANDE
(brightens up)
A simple combination of Sodium and Chloride.

GREY WOLF
Salt?

THANDE
(proudly)
A lot of salt.

GREY WOLF shakes his head.

THANDE
What’s going on?

IRONYUPPIE
Doc and the others have been captured. By the Mirror Crew.
So has Doc’s children. By Ward.
(Ironyuppie looks at Grey Wolf)
Which ship are you going to?

GREY WOLF
You’ll all be coming with me.
We’re going to the Mirror Ship.

IRONYUPPIE
Doc won’t like that…

THANDE
(perplexed)
Daring Commando Raid™?

GREY WOLF merely nods and heads for the Lift.

KIT, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, THANDE. and HENDRYK follow.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

ALT. LUAKEL and CHINGO360 pull on door latches and hit opening pads, but none of the doors will open.

CHINGO360
It’s useless, dude.

ALT. LUAKEL
Never quit!

CHINGO360
Shut up.

The try one last door and it opens.

The hurry into it

They come to a stop as they enter the room in which ATTA is being held. The women stares at them.

ATTA
Release me!

CHINGO360
Holy shit. What is that!

ALT. LUAKEL
My one true love?

CHINGO360
Dude… You’re more fucked up than I thought.

ATTA
Release me!

CHINGO360
Who are you?

ATTA
I have been captured by the evil Destroyer!
Help me escape and I shall repay you with
more wealth than you’ve ever known

CHINGO360
I like the way she thinks.

The two quickly release ATTA.

ALT. LUAKEL
You know the way out of here?

ATTA
Yes. Follow me!

The three head out.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

GREY WOLF, IRONYUPPIE, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, THANDE, and KIT appear.

GREY WOLF
Kit. Whatever you do, don’t shoot me.

KIT
(gulps)
I make no promises.

LANDSHARK
Bloody Welsh.

The group heads deeper into the Mirror Ship.

INT. – MIRROR SHIP – ARMORY – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT picks up a comm unit.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
What is it?

MIRROR GBW
Sir. We’re got intruders. More AH.commers.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Bloody hell! Don’t they ever quit?

MIRROR GBW
I’m showing five intruders
heading toward the holding cells.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Get Lee to stop them!

MIRROR GBW
Lee’s in the Med Bay. He got shot.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Then who’s closest?

MIRROR GBW
Flocc and the remaining assault forces are
near section Seven. But you’re the closest.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.
(thinks for a moment)
Damn it!
Alright. We’re going to stop the intruders.
GBW get those damn shields up.
I’m tired of all these people teleporting onto my ship!

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – HOLDING CELL – DAY

GREY WOLF pauses and bends down to pick up something. A hole gets blasted into the bulkhead behind him. He looks up and looks around. A hole gets blasted into the bulkhead near him.

IRONYUPPIE grabs him and drags him back into the room they’re hold up in.

IRONYUPPIE
We’re in a battle, remember?

GREY WOLF
I thought I saw something.

IRONYUPPIE
Jebus, Must I baby-sit you all?
Damn it, Kit!
Don’t touch that.

KIT
It’s the trigger right?

IRONYUPPIE
That’s why I said don’t touch it.

HENDRYK
They seem to be gathering.

THANDE
I’m a chemist you know, we don’t do this whole fighting with guns things.
The most exciting thing to happen is I forget which beaker held the bases.

LANDSHARK
You’re an AH.comer, damn it.
Getting shot at and fighting other
people is what we get paid to do.

IRONYUPPIE
Alright, we can’t let them come at us prepared.
I’m going to shove Landshark out and they’ll
shoot at him. When they do, we shoot at them.
Got it?
Damn it, Kit. Don’t touch that!

LANDSHARK
What? Me as bait?
I remember doing this to someone once…

LANDSHARK gets shoved out into the corridor. Immediately he’s shot at. He ducks and scrambles down the corridor.

LANDSHARK
(yelling)
The irony is not lost on me!!!

IRONYUPPIE, HENDRYK and GREY WOLF step out of the room and begin blasting away at the defenders. We see FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT leap up and head down the corridor, away from the fight.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
You’ll never get off this ship alive!

IRONYUPPIE
Overly dramatic much? Crazy bitch!

The group heads into the Holding Cells.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, you guys came!

WEAPON M
Hells yes!
I was getting bored in this cell.

MATT
I was actually beginning to like it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Bloody hell, I need a drink.

DMA
I’ve begun brewing some booze off the
bread and water they gave us.

FLOCCULENCIO
Any good?

DMA
I’m drunk aren’t I?

GREY WOLF
No time for chit chat, boys.
I’m sure that crazy woman will
be back with reinforcements.
We got to go.

They open the cells.

GREY WOLF
What about them?
(gestures to a cell)

MIKE COLLINS and STRAHA can be seen staring sullenly at them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leave them.

MIKE COLLINS
You’ll live to regret this, Doctor What!

DOCTOR WHAT
I regret having to spend an hour in your company.
(shudders)
I think I’ll need to bathe for a week.

IRONYUPPIE
We got to go, girls.
They’re coming back.

DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone. Teleport us out.

G.BONE (on comm)
Can’t. They’ve got their shields up.
Nothing’s coming out of there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.
We’re going to have to do this the hard way.

MATT
God, I love the way that man talks.

WEAPON M
Load up and let’s kick some wannabe
alternate versions of ourselves asses.

DMA
Jihad on their arses!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOMINUSNOVUS is hurrying down the corridor.

DOMINUSNOVUS (muttering)
What do I look like? An engineer?
I may be handsome as the day is long, but that don’t mean
I know anything about getting our weapons back on-

There’s a loud THUNK! And DOMINUSNOVUS goes down.

ADIKOR steps out and pulls the pistol from DOMINUSNOVUS’ holster.

ADIKOR
I’m coming my Mistress.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – DIFFERENT CORRIDOR – DAY

CHINGO360, ALT LUAKEL, and ATTA are making their way down the corridor.

ALT. LUAKEL
You think she’s hot?

CHINGO360
Oh, god, no.

ALT. LUAKEL
That’s right.
Let’s keep it that way.

CHINGO360
Dude, you can have her.
I’m not into hairy dudes.

ALT. LUAKEL
The woman of my dreams.
(grins)

ATTA
What are you two babbling about?
We are escaping, no talking incessantly!
I command you to shut up.

ALT. LUAKEL
God, I love the way she talks.

CHINGO360
(shudders)
Christ….

The three suddenly pause and throw themselves against the wall as a figure makes its way down the corridor. They pause for a second and then ATTA has a grin upon her face.

ATTA
Adikor!

ADIKOR
Mistress!
You are alive!

ATTA
Of course, I’m alive.
No help to you!

ADIKOR
I tried my best, Mistress.
You may flog me after we escape.

ATTA
Don’t think I won’t…

ALT. LUAKEL
(challengingly)
Who is this guy?

ATTA
He is my loyal servant. Just as you will
be my loyal servant when this is all done.

ALT. LUAKEL
You promise?

ADIKOR
Who are these children.

CHINGO360
I take offense to that, man.
I’m a man; I can grow hair in places.

ATTA
We must flee. The Destroyer is here.

ALT. LUAKEL
Yes, let’s flee to a more secluded place. Just me and you…
(grins)

CHINGO360
Dude. Shut up or I’ll toss you back into the cells.

ADIKOR
We cannot, my mistress.
For the Destroyer has your children.

Shock silence by ATTA.

ATTA
Then we must take them back.

CHINGO360
What just happened here.

ALT. LUAKEL
I think she just said she’s got kids.
Dude, that’s a total deal breaker.

CHINGO360
Like you had a chance.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT stands against a bulkhead, comm unit out.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What do you mean, we’re out of men?

MIRROR GBW
Sir, we’ve got everyone that we
can spare fighting the AH.commers.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
They’re escaping!
They cannot escape!

MIRROR GBW
They cannot escape with our shields still up.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Can you not just teleport them out?

MIRROR GBW
Teleporters are offline due to glitches.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Tell G.Bone to fix them or he’ll be put on the rack!

MIRROR GBW
Uh.. sir. He got gut shot trying to storm the Shuttle Bay not two mintues ago.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT scans the area and sees MIRROR OTHNIEL, MIRROR G.BONE, and MIRROR MICHAEL moaning on the ground, in states of obvious pain. MIRROR TORQUMADA stands above them whistling and leaning against a bulkhead.

Every time they moan, MIRROR TORQUMADA smiles.

M TORQUMADA
I love the chorus of the wounded.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck!

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

The AH.commers are piled into a small shuttle. LANDSHARK is at the controls.

GREY WOLF
GBW, how goes the weapons?

GBW
They’re online.

GREY WOLF
Then hammer us a way out of here.

GBW
Gladly, sir.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com begins firing particle cannons upon the MIRROR AH.COM ship.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

We see the shuttle S&M fly out the bay doors.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT (voice over)
DAMN IT!!!!!
(into comm)
Shoot them down!

Suddenly the MIRROR AH.COM SHIP begins rocking.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell now?

MIRROR GBW (on comm)
Sir the AH.com ship has regained weapons.
Are shields are-

There’s a big boom.

MIRROR GBW


our shields are down…

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell else could go wrong now?

MIKE COLLINS
Hey, remember me?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

MIKE COLLINS punches FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT. MIRROR TORQUMADA changes him, but STRAHA grabs one of the BFGs off the deck and full arm swings it into his face.

STRAHA
We flee now?

MIKE COLLINS
No. No we do painful things to their ship.

MIKE COLLINS walks to a computer station and begins hammering away at the keys.

STRAHA
What are you doing?

MIKE COLLINS
Showing them who’s the baddest guy in the Multiverse.

MIRROR WEAPON M
That would be me, asshat.

MIKE COLLINS
What the-

MIRROR WEAPON M fires his BFG.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – HOLDING CELLS – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER are heading out of the cells. The two babies can be seen gurgling in their sleep.

WARD
We’ll get a nursemaid or something when we get to the Hub.

GRIMM REAPER
We can always turn one of the more
useless crewmembers into a temporary one.

WARD
Slavik has been badgering me for more experimenting time.

GRIMM REAPER
All in good-

THUNK!

GRIMM REAPER staggers from the blow, slumping against the bulkhead and passing out.

WARD grabs for his gun but ADIKOR shoves his pistol into his chest.

ADIKOR
Move and you die.

WARD
Do it, Forehead.
And we’ll see how long it takes you to die.

ATTA
Where are my children?

WARD
Spaced them.
(grins)
It was fun.

ALT. LUAKEL
(from holding cells)
Hey, there’re some babies in here.

ATTA
Are they hale?

ALT. LUAKEL
They look pink and ugly.

ADIKOR
Shall I shoot him, Mistress.

ATTA
He has destroyed my homeworld, he has
destroyed my fleet, he is the cause of all
this woe and pain. No, Adikor. We torture him.

WARD
(laughs)
I hear your own people don’t want
nothing to do with you anymore.
That’s why you’ve been straggling about
the multiverse all these last months.
(grins)
That’s generally what they say, before I wipe them out.

ATTA
Kill him.

WARD moves quickly, kicking ADIKOR in the kneecap and knocking the weapon away. ADIKOR howls in pain, dropping to his knees where WARD smashes his fist into him.

ATTA screams and races for the holding cells, as WARD pulls out his pistol. There’s a massive shot, but ATTA manages to close the door.

GRIMM REAPER groans, rising to his feet.

GRIMM REAPER
I’m starting to gain wariness for women with fists.

WARD
It happens. Now get your ass up and
lets get those damn kids back.

GRIMM REAPER
Can’t I just sit this one out?

WARD
I’ll let you play with this one.
(kicks Adikor)

GRIMM REAPER
Okay, okay. I’m in.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP –HOLDING CELLS – DAY

ALT. LUAKEL begins attacking an air vent.

CHINGO360
What are you doing?

ATTA
We must get Adikor back!

ALT. LUAKEL
I’m getting the fuck out of here.
I’m done with this shit.

CHINGO360
And you’re doing that how?

ALT. LUAKEL
I’m gonna crawl through the air vent to freedom.

CHINGO360
Right.
(beat)
Lemme help.

ATTA
Are you not listening to me!
I demand you listen to me!

CHINGO360
Dude, shut the fuck up.

INT. – STOLEN SHUTTLE S&M – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT hits the comm button.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW. What the hell is going on?

GBW
Looks like we might be winning.
The Mirror AH.com ship is pretty much defenseless.
The CF.net is also in the same boat.
We on the other hand are without engines, teleporters, or shields.

DOCTOR WHAT
God, this is such a fucking mess.

GBW
Dave’s not pleased with all the damage we’ve taken.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing eyes)
Alright. Where are the kids now?

GBW
Still on the CF.net ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. We’re going there.
Give a tap for us, won’t you?

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship begins firing upon the CF.NET ship.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM - DAY

WARD frowns.

WARD
Those fuckers just ain’t giving up, are they?

GRIMM REAPER
It must have something to do with his spawn.

WARD
Damn it.
Where are those kids at?

FAEELIN
I’m not sure, sir. They’re not registering on internal sensors.

GRIMM REAPER
We don’t have sensors in the vents.

WARD
Yeah…
Fuck.
(thinks)
I’m tired of this shit.
Tell Dark Slavik to send one
of his uglies into the vent.
Let that fucker deal with them.
Kilngirl!

KILNGIRL
Yeah?

WARD
Get us out of here.
Now.

KILNGIRL
What’s the hurry. I’m having so much fun.
(Laughs)
Fine. Fine. The engines are almost fixed.
We’ll be heading out in a matter of minutes.

The ship rocks again.

WARD
Do something about the shields too.

KILNGIRL
Work. Work. Work.
Its all I do.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – AIR VENTS – DAY

The babies are squalling. ALT LUAKEL kicks out an air vent.

The grating clatters to the ground.

He jumps out only to be punched in the face by FORTYSEVEN.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

FORTYSEVEN grabs CHINGO360, who is trying to climb back into the vent, and pulls him to the deck.

FORTYSEVEN
Captain. They’re in the tele-

ALT LUAKEL runs up and kicks FORTYSEVEN in the groin, dropping him.

CHINGO360
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

ATTA
What is going on!

ALT LUAKEL shakes his head and walks to the computer console. CHINGO360 joins him.

CHINGO360
I can do this.
(cracks knuckles)

ALT. LUAKEL
Finally you can do something.

CHINGO360
Fuck you, man.

ALT. LUAKEL
Really?

CHINGO360
Shut up.

ATTA
What are you two doing?
Help me with these kids!

CHINGO360
Shut it, lady.
We’re getting our asses out of here.

ALT. LUAKEL
Where to?

CHINGO360
The IP.net ship.

ALT. LUAKEL
Ah, home sweet home.

CHINGO360
All set.

There’s a hiss and something horrifying crawls out of the air vent.

CHINGO360
Holy Fuck!
What the hell!

ALT. LUAKEL
RUN!!!

The group hurries onto the teleportation tube pad and vanish with a pop.

The hideous creature sits and ponders for a moment.

It sees FORTYSEVEN lying upon the ground.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM - DAY

FAEELIN looks up.

FAEELIN
Sir. Someone’s activating the teleporters.

WARD
What?
I thought they were down?

FAEELIN
We’ve got a teleportation.
It’s the Neanderthal woman and the kids,
and the two we captured that brought us here.

WARD
Where?
How!

GRIMM REAPER
Crap. There’s a big monster loose in our air vents now.

WARD
Damn it!

INT. – MIRROR SHUTTLE – DAY

GBW
Doc. The kids are on the IP.net ship now.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?
Aw, crap!
Sharky, turn us around.

LANDSHARK
Bugger!
Make up your bloody mind!

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
You know, sir. This is getting very vexing.

WARD
I agree wholeheartedly.
It seems like it’s not just worth the hassle.

GRIMM REAPER
Plus I had tickets to the show tonight.

WARD
Fuck it. Lets get going.
We’ve got one Neanderthal, might
as well do horrible things to him.

GRIMM REAPER
I like the way you think.

FORTYSEVEN (on comm)
Oh, god! Oh, god!
Someone help!

WARD
Sometimes they need to be taught a lesson.

GRIMM REAPER
Exactly.

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MIRROR GBW
We’ve got massive damage to nearly our entire ship.
We’re looking at weeks, if not months, of work.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT paces and stops.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck it.
I’m bored.
Let’s get out of here.

MIRROR GBW
Be five minutes ‘til we get shift engines.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing bruising face)
Worse fucking day ever.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – OUTSIDE TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

MIDGARD is walking, suddenly the door to the Teleportation Tube rooms open. The hideous creature rears up before a shocked MIDGARD. But before he can react, it heads the other direction, a look of…terror upon its inhuman face.

MIDGARD
The fuck?

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS suddenly clamors out of the room, trousers at his ankles.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
Come back!
We’re not done yet!
Come back!

MIDGARD
What the…

MIDGARD looks into the room to see FORTYSEVEN curled up in a ball, sobbing.

MIDGARD
I need to find another line of work.

INT. – IP.NET SHIP - BRIDGE – DAY

CHINGO360
Why isn’t the ship going??

ALT. LUAKEL
Looks like the shift engines are off.

CHINGO360
The what?

ALT. LUAKEL
The thing that makes the ship move.

CHINGO360
Right. The Engine doohicky.

ALT. LUAKEL
We need to restart it.

CHINGO360
We?

ATTA
Do it. Or you both die slowly.

CHINGO360 and ALT LUAKEL look at ATTA.

ALT. LUAKEL
She’ll do it.

CHINGO360
Totally.
Fix the engines?

ALT. LUAKEL
Fix the engines.

The two hurry off. ATTA continues caring for the children.

INT. – IP.NET SHIP- ENGINEERING BAY – DA

CHINGO360
shift engines.
Shift engines.
How the hell am I supposed to know what the shift engines look like.

There’s a clattering noise and the two stop. They look about.

ALT. LUAKEL
The fuck?

CHINGO360
Find the shift engines!

Suddenly a figure steps out of the darkness.

PSYCHOALYSON
Can I help you boys find something?
(grins psychotically)

CHINGO360
Oh, my God!
What the fuck is that!!!

PSYCHOALYSON throws itself at him, clawing and hissing like an animal.

CHINGO360
Get it off!
Get it off!

PSYCHOALYSON
They left me behind!
They left me behind!
I’ll kill them!

CHINGO360
Oh, God!
Oh, God!

ALT LUAKEL runs up and kicks PSYCHOALYSON in the crotch.

It doubles over and falls off CHINGO360, groaning.

ALT. LUAKEL
Holy crap. What is it?

CHINGO360
I don’t know, but get it out of here!

PSYCHOALYSON
(begins cackling)
You’re all gonna die.

It gets up and hurries to a computer console, hitting a command. PSYCHOALYSON vanishes with a loud pop.

CHINGO360
What the Fuck was that!
Oh, god. I think I need a bath.
(shudders)

ALT. LUAKEL
Um.. I think we might have a problem here.

A compute console reads: CORE IMPLOSION: 205 SECONDS.

CHINGO360
Aw, fuck!

The two flee the room.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is pacing up and down the Control Room.

FAEELIN
Sir, the teleportation tube room is clear of the monster.
Fortyseven is saying he can commencing teleportation
of whatever you desire.

GRIMM REAPER
Focus on the shift engines.

WARD
(pauses)
Can he get a lock on the cavefolk?

FAEELIN
Yes, sir. They’re on the IP.net ship.

WARD
(rubbing chin)
Get them here.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

There’s a groan and the Control Room darkens.

GBW looks up.

We see the computer consoles going dead.

GBW
(into comm.)
Dave? What’s going on?

DAVE HOWERY
Power surge.
We’ve got a cascade of system failures.

GBW
You know we’re in a battle, right?
I’ve got no weapons control, no sensors, no power for my Ipod.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll get this ship working if I have to sacrifice
G.Bone to the Engine Gods.

INT. – IP. NET SHIP –CORRIDOR –DAY

We see CHINGO360, ALT. LUAKEL, ATTA, and the two babies fleeing down the corridor. ALT. LAUKEL holds one of the children.

CHINGO360
There’s a load of ships in the shuttle bay.
Whoever owned this ship has been stockpiling them.

ALT. LUAKEL
Well they get us out of here?

CHINGO360
They’d better.

ALT. LUAKEL hits a button and the doors to the shuttle bay open up. We see several ships and they randomly race to one.

CHINGO360
You know how to fly this thing, right?

ALT. LUAKEL
Hells no.

ALT. LUAKEL jumps into a seat and hits the buttons. The ship begins to come alive.

CHINGO360
Get us the hell out of here and somewhere safe,
sound, and not so damned exciting.

ALT. LUAKEL
Hub it is.

ATTA
Hurry, damn you.
Time is of the essence.

ALT. LUAKEL
Y’know, I’m realizing why
so many people want to kill you.

ATTA
I sha-

There’s a loud pop and she’s gone.

CHINGO360
What the fuck…

ALT. LUAKEL
We’re so fucking out of here.

The small ship smashes through the bay doors and flies for freedom.

INT. – STOLEN SHUTTLE S&M- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is staring intently at the IP.NET ship.

Suddenly a massive explosion erupts.

The IP.NET ship is gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the f-

Then the blast wave hits the shuttle.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

FORTYSEVEN is seen holding a gun at ATTA. She’s got a kid in her arms.

WARD enters.

WARD
Fortyseven, grab the kid.
Don’t want any shenanigans from her.
(Fortyseven grabs the kid)
Well, almost back to square one, eh?

ATTA
(glaring)
Do what you will.

WARD
(grins)
Yup, pretend to be brave.

There’s a hiss of the door opening and WARD around to come face to face with ADIKOR.

WARD
The fuck?

ADIKOR punches him in the face.

FORTYSEVEN fires his rifle but misses, due to holding the kid. The teleportation tube controls are destroyed.

ADIKOR grabs ATTA and they flee from the room.

ATTA
My child!

ADIKOR
We cannot.

ATTA
My child!

ADIKOR looks at her and shakes his head.

ADIKOR
Sorry, mistress.

ADIKOR punches her and throws her unconscious body across his shoulders.

 INT. – CF.NET SHIP – TELEPORATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

WARD rises to his feet.

WARD
This is why I always have Grimm at my side.
Crazy asshole, but he’s generally the one they punch first.

FORTYSEVEN is looking over the destroyed controls.

WARD
(sighs)
You still got the kid?

The child begins squalling.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm.)
Sir, we’ve got a shuttle launching.
One of our shift shuttles.

WARD
Fuck.
Tell me we’ve got weapons.

GRIMM REAPER
Sorry sir, the IP.net explosion
has damaged our systems. We’ve
got shift engines working, though.
Shall I send Midgard out there to
fire upon them?

WARD
Fuck it.
Get us the hell out of here.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW watches as the computers and monitors start up.

He hits a few buttons.

GBW
Mirror AH.com ship is shifting out.
CF.net ship is spooling up shift drives.
We’ve got what appears to be a shuttle shifting out.
Our status. Weapons down, shields down,
engines operational.
(he turns about)
And I’m the only one in the control room.
(sighs)

LUAKEL pops in.

LUAKEL
Did we win?

GBW
We suffered a lot of damage.

LUAKEL
But did we win?

GBW
We’re still alive.
Everyone one else is leaving.

LUAKEL
Then we won.

GBW
I suppose one could look at it that way.

LUAKEL
We totally kicked ass.

GBW
Then there’s being completely delusional.

LUAKEL
And we were rewarded with sex from hot babes.

GBW sighs.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and much of the crew offload the S&M shuttle.

GREY WOLF
Sorry, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
We really didn’t accomplish anything did we?
Atta’s gone.
Adikor’s gone.
The kids are…gone.
(shakes his head)

GREY WOLF
We did our best, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
I’ll be in my quarters.

GREY WOLF watches as DOCTOR WHAT shuffles away.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – RACKROOM 1– DAY

We see FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT, she’s battered and bandaged, and not looking at all pleased. MIRROR GREY WOLF stands beside a large complicated looking device, arms folded. We pan to the left and see STRAHA enclosed in a clear glass tube. He looks terrified.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Hit the button.

MIRROR GREY WOLF hits a big red button.

We hear a scream and a pop.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
(faint smile)
I feel better now.

Pan to STAHA and we see him shuddering in terror.

MIRROR GREY WOLF
Shall we do the other one too?

Pan to MIKE COLLINS who’s cowering in the corner.

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
No. I have plans for him.

MIRROR GREY WOLF
Yes, sir. Back into the box?

FEMALE DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Toss in a few
kumquats for him.

INT. – HUB – CHINGO/LUAKEL APARTMENT – DAY

CHINGO360
I can’t believe we
got our apartment back.

ALT. LUAKEL
Yeah. Yay.

CHINGO360
You know what? We should go on adventures more often.

ALT. LUAKEL
Dude. We went on one adventure and look at what it got us.

Pan back and we see ALT LUAKEL and CHINGO360 both sitting upon a tattered couch, before them is a crib holding a sleeping baby. A Neanderthal looking baby.

ALT. LUAKEL
I think abstaining from
adventures is the best course.

CHINGO360
Abstaining is always the best course.

ALT. LUAKEL
I think we should call her Lauky Jr.

CHINGO360
Dude, she’s a girl.
Not a pimple faced loser.

ALT. LUAKEL
We’re not naming her Chinga.

CHINGO360
It’s a cool name.

ALT. LUAKEL
For a shiftless bastard, probably.

The baby begins crying.

ALT LUAKEL wrinkles his nose.

CHINGO360
Aw, shit. What is that smell?

ALT. LUAKEL
Holy, God. That’s foul!

They both look at the baby. They look at one another.

TOGETHER
Not it!

INT. – SHUTTLE POD – DAY

A gloomy ATTA can be seen sittig in the co-pilot chair. ADIKOR is quietly working the controls.

There’s a sudden banging.

ADIKOR
We’re being locked on by a ship.

ATTA
Get us out of here.

ADIKOR
I can’t.

ATTA looks at him.

A monitor suddenly flares to life. One it we see a man dressed in a military uniform.

MAN
This is Captain Edwards of the Joint Multiverse Task Fleet.

A second screen flares to life.

This time there is a Neanderthal on it.

NEANDERTHAL
You have a lot of pay for Atta.

ATTA
What is this!

MAN
The Earth Unity and Neanderthal Dominion
Joint Multiverse Task Fleet. We’ve been looking
long and hard for you. The first task to prove our
willingness to maintain peace in our universe,
our governments have been looking to bring
the woman who nearly brought both our species
to its knees. There are a lot of angry people
out there, human and Neanderthal.

ATTA hangs her head.

ATTA
Whatever.

NEANDERTHAL
Prepare to be boarded.

EXT. – FARMHOUSE- DAY

We see a shuttle pod land. WARD exits the shuttle.

He walks up to the house. A woman appears.

MRS. WARD
I thought you left for good?

WARD
Hello, Wife.

MRS. WARD
What are you doing here?

GRIMM REAPER exits the shuttle pod, carrying a bundle.

MRS. WARD
What is that?

WARD
It’s the child of the man
I hate the most in the multiverse.
The kid ain’t done nothing to me.

MRS. WARD
What am I supposed to do with this?

WARD
Raise him right.

MRS. WARD merely nods and takes the child.

Pull out.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Filed under: Series No Comments
8Apr/130

4×07 – Writer’s Strike

TEASER

INT. – STUDIO – SOUNDSTAGE – DAY

Subtle lighting effects and a wobbly camera angle suggest that this scene is not taking place in the usual series setting.

IAN dominates the scene. He is standing with his back to the camera and with his arms folded. He’s wearing a dark business suit and, when he turns to face us, we see that he has on his trademark sunglasses. There is a red glow behind them. His face shows absolutely no emotion.

IAN
This is unacceptable…
East India Company.

The camera pulls back to reveal a terrified-looking PSYCHOMELTDOWN standing before IAN, avoiding his gaze, jumping from foot to foot, etc.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But, but, Mr Executive Producer,
what can I do?
(points)
Just look at them!

IAN looks once more, and this time the camera follows him.

In the middle of the studio, on top of a soundstage, is a brazier. In it, burning merrily away with sparks, are several reels of film. Gathered around the brazier, holding signs and banners, are the WRITER CHIMPS – DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, MERRYPRANKSTER, THANDE and MICHAEL. They all look subtly different from their Series character personas – older, for one. The WRITER CHIMPS are all wearing warm coats and fingerless gloves, and are warming themselves around the brazier.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, let’s try this once more.
One, two, thr-

MERRYPRANKSTER
(interrupts)
Five!

THANDE
(eyes glow red with rage)
Python reference! KILL!

THANDE leaps on top of MERRYPRANKSTER and starts hitting him with his protest sign, but MERRYPRANKSTER ducks back and parries with his own sign. The two signs break off as they collide – as the two of them continue fighting with the sticks, the signs drift away down and land at IAN and PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s feet.

They read: FAIR PAY FOR WRITER CHIMPS! and OOK, OOK, EQUITABLE COMPENSATION!

IAN looks up once more at PSYCHO, his expression, as ever, unreadable.

IAN
Unacceptable. If this writers’ strike continues,
the viewing audience will lose interest in the Series.

PSYCHO
It won’t happen –
I’ll do something –
I’ll –

IAN
You had better.
(points)
See that meter?

PSYCHO looks up and the camera follows IAN’s pointing finger. A huge meter, like the top half of a clock face, is hanging over the studio from the lighting rig. Its needle currently points to ‘78%’ and written below the meter is the word ‘RATINGS’.

IAN
(conversationally)
Those are the show’s ratings.
I have wired up the building with
a powerful – yet extraordinarily
environmentally friendly – explosive.
(leans ever so slightly closer; PSYCHO recoils)
If the ratings drop below 50% -
or if you attempt to leave the studio –
(breathes the next word in PSYCHO’s face)
Booooooom.

PSYCHO falls back, whimpering; in the background, the other WRITER CHIMPS continue protesting, oblivious. We see MICHAEL and DAVE HOWERY pulling THANDE and MERRYPRANKSTER apart.

IAN
When I return from my vacation,
I do hope that you are still alive…

We see IAN turn away from PSYCHO (and the camera). He takes off his sunglasses – for a brief moment we see a blast of red light around him – he puts on another, almost identical pair – he turns away from the wall and we see two giant burn marks piercing the wall – then he snaps his fingers and teleports away with a flash.

PSYCHO
(whimpering)
Oh, damn it! Damn it!
How am I going to get out of this one?

PSYCHO’s face suddenly sets as he pulls himself together. He stands up.

PSYCHO
(calmly)
Right, I’ll soon fix this.
Those Writer Chimps will surely see reason
if they know what the stakes are.

PSYCHO resolutely turns around and takes a step towards the WRITER CHIMPS.

PSYCHO
(shouting)
Listen up, guys! Look—

DAVE HOWERY
(immediately; angry)
It’s him! “The Man”!

DOCTOR WHAT
Boo! Hiss!

THANDE
Yeah!
(chanting)
What do we want?

MERRYPRANKSTER
(in a chant all the time, while counting on fingers)
Er…well, an increase in wages
from zilch, a better healthcare plan
- i.e., a healthcare plan – dental – i
ntellectual property copyright -
(turns over page)
- more continuity – more story arcs –
more episodes about me -

THANDE
(confused)
I don’t remember that at the meeting.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You forget I am the
General Secretary of the Writer Chimps’ Union.
I have a perfectly clear record of all that was said,
right here onthis hastily scribbled Post-It note in
my own handwriting.

THANDE
(nodding trustingly)
Ah, yes. Of course.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(to camera)
You know, this is how Stalin started.

PSYCHO takes another step.

PSYCHO
Guys! Listen! You’ve got to!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ignore ‘the Man’! What shall we do?

MICHAEL
(indolently)
Let’s, like, throw something at him?

DAVE HOWERY
Great idea, Token Aussie.

Tight on – PSYCHOMELTDOWN – we see his eyes widen in horror as a shadow grows over him –

MICHAEL
(VO; dopplering)
I didn’t mean MEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee…

PSYCHO ducks and rolls out of the way as the speeding MICHAEL hits the floor and, absurdly, explodes like an artillery shell. PSYCHO is thrown back and we see him fleeing the room, his hair and clothes on fire.

PSYCHO slams the door behind him, grabs a fire extinguisher and quickly puts himself out, panting in deep breaths the whole time.

PSYCHO
This might not be as simple as I thought…

Behind him, hanging from the ceiling, we see the huge Ratings-meter click down to 75%...

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“WRITER'S STRIKE”

Written By: THANDE

ACT 1

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP

The AH.com Ship drifts through space. A normal beginning. Yes.

However…there’s something…strange about this footage. For a start, it seems rather…familiar.

Just before the scene cuts, we see a thin sliver of planet and another ship visible in the corner of the panning camera, and realise that this is stock footage from an earlier episode.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the captain’s chair, looking strangely bored and restless. Most of the other crew are at their usual bridge stations, and look similar. LANDSHARK is literally twiddling his thumbs as he leans back on his pilot’s seat.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, um…
(pause)
Anyone up for a wacky adventure?

General unenthusiastic ‘mm-hmm?’ from the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know, one of those ones
where we blunder into a random
timeline looking for booze and porn,
onlyto get involved in the local politics
and heroically help some resistance
against an evil tyrant, that sort of thing?

IRONYUPPIE
That’s usually fun, Doc,
but I just can’t be bothered.

LANDSHARK
No, me neither—

IRONYUPPIE
(fiercely)
Did I give you permission to talk?

LANDSHARK
No.
(hopefully)
Does this mean I’ll be
punished?

IRONYUPPIE
I’ll get out the…
No, I’ll use the thing with all the…
No, I’ll…
(yawns lethargically)
Oh, never mind. I’ll let you off this time.

LANDSHARK looks disappointed.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Something’s weird about today.
(addressing the ceiling)
Leo! What’s going on?

LEO
What? Oh, nothing much, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
You haven’t found us any new timelines to visit?

LEO
Well, I did locate this one timeline
where the onesingle dominant language,
religion and culture is Mandaean. But
it needs a little work to clean up the
coordinatesbefore we could shift there,
and I just can’t be arsed.

DOCTOR WHAT
(edgily)
Er…riiight…

DOCTOR WHAT gets out of his chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind this – Grey’s in command.
I’m going off to watch some lesbian porn.
Like that DVD that’s my favourite, that DVD, um, er…
What’s it called…? Oh, never mind,
this seat’s warm now anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT sits down again, still looking discontented.

Flow wipe to:

INT. – STUDIO – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is rushing through the studio. Over his head, we see the Ratings-meter ticking steadily downwards.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is shit! How are
the crew supposed to
have interesting adventures
without Writer Chimps?

PSYCHO shakes his head fiercely, then pauses, tapping his pen thoughtfully against his lips.

PSYCHO
Wait – I’ve got it – clip shows!
It worked for Friends

PSYCHO dashes through a door labelled ‘CUTTING ROOM’, then kneels down and starts hunting through all the bits of tape left on the floor.

Wipe back to:

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE HUB

We see the AH.com Ship docking with the Hub – also stock footage.

INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS

The Pub in the Hub is much as we have seen it before, but there are rather fewer extras in the background. The whole crew is at the bar, holding drinks languidly and staring into space, quite unlike their usual behaviour.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s reminisce about
the good times, everyone!

LUAKEL
(holding lemonade and looking ill-at-ease)
Um, Doc? We’re currently not being shot at,
tortured or sacrificed by bad guys, we’re in a
warm and friendly place, and we all have drinks.
How come [u]these[/u] aren’t the good times?

DOCTOR WHAT
(severely)
Logic and reason, young Luak.

LUAKEL
(hangs head)
Sowee Cap’n What.

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughs)
Anyway, as I was saying,
et’s reminisce about the good times!

HENDRYK
(adoringly)
An excellent notion –
as are all of those of the Great What’s!
Why, I remember as though it were yesterday,
when we werein the Pub in the Hub,
and he asked us to reminisce…

SMEARY DREAMS SEPIA EFFECT – FROM HENDRYK’S POV

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s reminisce about
the good times, everyone!

LUAKEL
(holding lemonade and looking ill-at-ease)
Um, Doc? We’re currently not being shot at,
tortured or sacrificed by bad guys, we’re in a
warm and friendly place, and we all have drinks.
How come [u]these[/u] aren’t the good times?

DOCTOR WHAT
(severely)
Logic and reason, young Luak.

SMEARY DREAMS DISSOLVE – BACK TO NORMAL.

HENDRYK smiles beatifically; DOCTOR WHAT looks puzzled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um, yeah. Like that.

Flow wipe to:

INT. – STUDIO – DAY

We see PSYCHO frantically threading a series of stuck-together bits of film tape into a camera, only for it to snap and the end to whiplash him in the face.

PSYCHO
Ow!

PSYCHO rubs the wound, then glances up worriedly at the huge Ratings Meter hanging over the studio. It is now clicking down to 60%.

PSYCHO
That didn’t work either!
(thinks hard)
What else can I try?

Tight focus on PSYCHO and we hear a sound like a mechanical typewriter working away. Then, as his eyes widen, there’s a ‘DING!’ sound.

PSYCHO
Eureka!

A literal lightbulb appears over his head, burns to life and then falls, hitting him on the head.

PSYCHO
Ow again!
(shakes his head)
Of course, that’s the solution.
If the workforce won’t work…
(grins)
Recruit some scabs.

INT. – STUDIO – CORRIDOR – DAY

We see PSYCHO running through the corridor, panting. He suddenly, cartoonishly, screeches to a halt.

Change camera angle – a fire door labelled ‘EXIT’, but one of IAN’s bombs, a black box with a red flashing light, is wired to it…

PSYCHO
Curses!
I can’t leave the studio
without setting the bombs off!
(thinks for a moment)
Then I’ll just have to gets my scabs…
(sudden realisation)
From in here.

INT. – STUDIO – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

We catch a brief glimpse of the ratings meter, still steadily declining, as PSYCHO runs along the second corridor. He stops outside a huge, reinforced, padlocked door. Above the door is a nameplate reading: HALL OF INFAMY.

PSYCHO
(shudders)
No other choice.

PSYCHO takes out a large keyring and unlocks each padlock individually. He swings the door back, wincing as green smoke and a foul stench pour over him.

PSYCHO
Ugh.

He goes in.

INT. – HALL OF INFAMY – DAY

The Hall of Infamy is a surprisingly small room, its walls lined with lead. It’s dingy and industrial, with flickering lights. In the centre is a huge round hole as in the film ‘300’, labelled TROLL PIT. Strange muttering voices, just on the edge of hearing, come up from its dark depths.

Cautiously, PSYCHO creeps up to the edge of the Troll Pit.

PSYCHO
(coughs)
Oh, how unfortunate.
I was just ready to give
my attention to something,
but there’s nothing here to look at…

He leaps back from the hole as the entire room starts shaking, as though in a distance avalanche. No – a stampede. We can hear the hammering of running feet.

PSYCHO grabs a chair from behind him, then takes a whip off a shelf beside him. He raises the chair in front of him –

And the Pit EXPLODES with countless TROLLS, vaguely Morlock-like subhuman creatures with waxy skin, hungry eyes and drooling mouths. They swarm up out of the pit in a horribly ant-like fashion, pouring over the floor. With an animal sniffing sound, they locate PSYCHO and advance towards him, but he cracks the whip and they fall back sullenly.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
why have yuo smmummoned us,
yuo fcukin crakchead?!

HYPERN
yeeesssssssss. i give
himmmmmm thhhhe badddd tuch.
:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

MEJ
As usual, the white man
is oppressing us!

CYRRYLIA
But he’s Indian. Like the Sioux
in their ideal anarcho-capitalistic
society. That’s inherent.

ELEVEN11
Don’t be ridiculous—I’ve performed extensive
research and the American Indians are a hoax!
They had NO BACKUP PLAN to being colonised!

GIRLSGOFISHING
And the native tribal leaders are being controlled
by HAARP to kill baby seals!

ALL TROLLS
(dissolves into confused talking)

PSYCHO pulls out a megaphone and shouts over the trolls’ chatter.

PSYCHO
How would you like
to earn some attention?

All the trolls’ ears prick up, in some cases literally.

PSYCHO
All you need to do is write me a script,
and then you can have all the attention you crave…

HELLOLEGEND
As a fellow Arizonan – though of course
of a far superior race – I accept your petty proposal.
I shall, of course, make VALUED CONTRIBUTIONS
to your little script thing, though of course it cannot
compare to the peak of televisual literature,
the Golden Girls.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
by cthulthu neadnternatal realpolticlkl!
hwer du I sing pu?

PSYCHO
Follow me!

PSYCHO, still brandishing the chair nervously, turns and runs out of the room. The TROLLS follow him in their shambling gait, some of them crawling across the ceiling and walls like Moria-orcs.

INT. – STUDIO – SOUNDSTAGE – DAY

As before. The WRITER CHIMPS are still gathered around the brazier with their signs. MICHAEL is now much bandaged and keeps giving DAVE HOWERY dirty looks. However, HOWERY is ignoring him, and is using the brazier to toast a complex array of marshmallows and wieners on sticks.

DAVE HOWERY
How long do you think
it’ll take before Ian caves in?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hopefully before
we run out of fossil fuel!

DAVE HOWERY
Don’t be ridiculous, Doc –
that won’t happen for decades…

DOCTOR WHAT
I meant as in this specific coal bucket!

In the background, THANDE, his teeth chattering, rubs his fingerless-gloved hands together to warm up. After a few moments, blue electric sparks start flashing between them. He pauses and looks down at these thoughtfully, then starts rubbing harder.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Can’t someone invent
a renewable energy source
to keep the brazier going?
And preferably one that
doesn’t cause Glawwwbul Waarming…

DOCTOR WHAT
Dunno – Thande?

They turn to see THANDE, the bright blue sparks crackling between his hands and a crazed expression on his face, grab one of HOWERY’s wiener skewers off the brazier. His silhouette flashes brilliant white for a moment as he touches the metal and there’s a BANG!

When the light fades, THANDE is standing there with his eyebrows singed, his hair turned into a scientist’s afro, and burn marks all over him, but still with the same crazed grin.

And the wiener slides off the end of the skewer, sprouts legs and runs away.

THANDE
(cackling)
It’s ALIIIVE!!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning back to MERRY)
I’m guessing the answer is No.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it. I was going to eat that.
(sighs)

Suddenly the main doors swing back, showing PSYCHO at the head of the army of TROLLS.

PSYCHO
(pointing)
That’s it, um, men?
(brushes it over)
We just have to get past them
and through that door!

The WRITER CHIMPS’ heads swivel with PSYCHO’s pointing finger and they see that he’s pointing at a door behind them labelled ‘SCRIPT ROOM’.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s ‘The Man’ again!
(spits)

DAVE HOWERY
And he’s brought scabs with him!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Up the workers! Kill ’em!

THANDE
(still cackling to himself)
It’s alliiiive…

The WRITER CHIMPS spread out around the brazier and pick up their signs, beating them into their other hands like clubs. The TROLLS start to crawl across the room towards them, picking up speed until they’re scampering like Zerglings.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit, there’s too many of them!
How are we going to stop them all?

MICHAEL
Well, the obvious thing to do
would be toget some kind of big
cylindrical heavy thing, and
roll it at them to knock down
the whole column in one go.

DAVE HOWERY
(thoughtfully stroking his beard)
Hmmm…

Tight on – PSYCHO leading the TROLLs as they swarm across the studio – his eyes widen in horror as a shadow grows across them –

MICHAEL
(dopplering)
I didn’t mean MEEEEEEEE…!

DAVE HOWERY hurls MICHAEL off the soundstage – he hits the ground lengthways, then somehow starts rolling towards the TROLL ARMY with increasing speed – PSYCHO screams and leaps up in the air – two TROLLS on the ceiling grab his arms – MICHAEL hurtles into the front rank of TROLLs on the ground and knocks them flying.

PSYCHO
Phew, that was a close one!

A sign, hurled like a spear, passes directly between his thrashing legs.

PSYCHO
(falsetto voice)
No, I was wrong.

The two TROLLS drop PSYCHO and he falls to the ground again behind MICHAEL. Meanwhile, MICHAEL continues rolling to the back of the room, slamming into TROLLS and crushing them or sending them flying, until he hits the wall – upon which he, bizarrely, explodes.

PSYCHO
(brushing himself down)
Come on!

Dodging more signs hurled like spears, the TROLLS and PSYCHO rush the soundstage. We see DOCTOR WHAT smash a sign over a TROLL’s head, but the WRITER CHIMPS are rapidly overwhelmed. Instead of fighting them, though, the TROLLS just go straight past and follow PSYCHO through the door and into the Script Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Quick, before he can -

We hear the sound of a lock clicking into place, and then another – a half-dozen TROLLS are left on the other side, and start pathetically pounding on the door to be let in – the WRITER CHIMPS loom threateningly over them.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Too late. They’re barricaded in!

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe these guys know how to get in.
What’s your name, troll?

TROLL 1
I’m Rockingham!

TROLL 2
(standing up)
No, [u]I[/u] am Rockingham!

TROLL 3
(standing up)
You lie! For [u]I[/u] am Rockingham!

TROLL 4
You’re all just damn dirty Rockpuppets!
[u]I’m[/u] the real Rockingham!

TROLL 5
You all suck!
Especially me!

TROLL 6
(grinning derangedly)
I’m my own girlfriend!

The six ROCKINGHAMS start punching and kicking each other, all claiming to be the real one, and the resulting furball of a fight goes flying off the edge of the stage. DOCTOR WHAT watches with interest.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, nothing there.
(turns back to the barricaded door)
Now, how do we get in?

THANDE
(with a vaguely perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Of course! He’s a genius!

DAVE HOWERY
Not really, he just happens to have a catchphrase
with very wide applications.

THANDE
(nodding)
Daring Commando Raid™.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it—all we have to do is find
some way around this door!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Okay, but how?

THANDE
(pointing)
Daring Commando Raid™!

Everyone looks at where THANDE is pointing – at an air vent close to the ceiling.

DAVE HOWERY
Of course – the vents!
Like in every action movie ever made!

DOCTOR WHAT
(importantly)
All right. We have a plan. It may be quite
a dangerous one – you never know what might
be lurking in those vents – giant mutant lab rats,
very small terrorists, etcetera – so there’s something
I need to know before we start.
(pause)
Who’s going to go and fetch MICHAEL so we can
use him as the canary?

The other WRITER CHIMPS all rush off – change camera angle and we see the battered and burned-looking MICHAEL propped up dazedly against the wall, while beside him the six ROCKINGHAMS continue fighting.

ROCKINGHAMS
(in one confused synchronous shout)
You all suck!

MICHAEL
(nodding)
Word.

Cut to:

INT. – SCRIPT ROOM – DAY

Initially the room is dark, but PSYCHO flicks on the light switch and the lights slowly burn to life. The room is built around a large central table with many seats, each with a computer terminal in front of it, along with writing pads, storyboard diagrams, clipboards, pens, etc. A water cooler and a coffee machine stand in the corner.

PSYCHO
(rubbing his hands together)
Alright!
To save time, each of you take one character to write!

HYPERN
whennnnnnn do we
getttttt oooour attttttention?
:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

PSYCHO
When you’ve written the episode!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
we hda bter, yuo fcukin sehmlae!

ELEVEN11
Yes, because there’s no backup plan if we don’t.

PSYCHO
(hands over his ears)
Just start writing!

In a massive rush, the TROLLS pour over the table, chairs and computers – there are too many TROLLS, so they start fighting over how many places there are – old coffee cups and pencils fly everywhere.

Nervously, PSYCHO stands off to one side and watches. After watching HYPERN and RADICAL_NEUTURAL for a moment, he reaches out towards a big lever on the wall marked ‘SPELLCHECKER’ and pulls it down – a green ‘on’ light illuminates.

He then glances back at the securely locked and bolted door.

PSYCHO
We’re safe here.
(smiles wanly)
What could possibly go wrong?

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – THE HUB – DAY

Another stock footage view of the Hub, with the AH.com Ship docked.

INT. – OUROBOROUS – DAY

As before, with the AH.commers sipping drinks around the bar. Suddenly, though, DOCTOR WHAT stiffens as with new purpose. A moment later, the others do the same.

DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly and deliberately)
Right, that’s enough reminiscence.
It’s time to have a wacky adventure.
(pause)
Preferably involving the neo-Byzantine
Republican Caliphate and the Neanderthals!!!!

GREY WOLF
An excellent point, Mr Doc!
Though, while my mind may have
been dimmed from observing these
glorious pictures of Ms Dawn French and
fantasising about the destruction of Israel,
is it not fair to say that the last few times
we have encountered Neanderthals – by which
I do not mean Americans, though the two
are often confused – it did not go
too well for your own self?

DOCTOR WHAT(glaring at him)
Shut up.
(pause)
You. Fucking. Crackhead.

There’s a pregnant pause, then:

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah! Let’s go! It’s inherent!

LANDSHARK
Just as well, as we had no backup plan.

The crew, several of them moving jerkily, all leave the bar in a rush. GREY WOLF shrugs, downs his slug of vodka, and follows.

EXT. – SPACE – THE HUB

We see the AH.com Ship pulling away from the Hub, leaving a trail of empty booze bottles and scratched porn DVDs jangling along in its wake.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE

As before, but now everyone looks intent and purposeful, if a bit deranged. DOCTOR WHAT gets up from his captain’s chair and leers at IRONYUPPIE.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know, you remind me of my sister…

IRONYUPPIE
(shuns him)
Be off! You have no higher brain functions!
And you’re controlled by HAARP!

LANDSHARK
(nodding)
Everyone knows incest
is a Jewish hoax anyway…

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughs)
Anyway, let’s get on with it,
you fucking crackheads!

GREY WOLF
Doc,
You said “Anyway, let’s get on with it,
you fucking crackheads!”What an excellent
contribution to this conversation! I must
congratulate you.By the way, the American
military-industrial complex must be destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shut up!
(yells at the ceiling)
Leo, you silicon fuckwit!
Where’s the nearest planet full
of hot half-Asian women I’m related to?

LEO CAESIUS
Are all planets full of hot half-Asian
women who you’re related to? No.
Are some of them? Yes.
Can we tell the difference? Not easily.

DOCTOR WHAT
(impatiently)
What’s your point?!

LEO CAESIUS
We need to round up all
the half-Asian women and lock them
inside extermination camps. That’s
the only way to be safe and to protect
our freedoms and liberties.

IRONYUPPIE
Freedoms! Hah!
You’re all controlled
by the government’s
brainwaves!

MATT
I’m not!

MATT taps his tinfoil hat.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily muttering under his breath)
Never mind.
Kit, can you lay in a course,
you Welsh fucker?

KIT, strutting rather stiffly along, gets up from his console.

KIT
(in incredulous tones)
Lay in a course?
Are you mad?

DOCTOR WHAT
I soon fucking will be!

KIT
(pontificating)
Are they the lucky ones?
That's what you're thinking, isn't it?
We're a long way from home. We've
jumped way beyond the red line,
into uncharted space. Limited supplies,
limited fuel. No allies, and now, no hope?
Maybe it would have been better for us
to have died quickly, back on the Colonies
with our families, instead of dying out here
slowly, in the emptiness of dark space.
Where shall we go? What shall we do?
Life here began out there. Those are the
first words of the sacred scrolls, and
they were told to us by the Lords of Kobol,
many countless centuries ago. And they
made it perfectly clear that we are not
alone in this universe. Elosha, there's a
thirteenth colony of humankind, is there
not?

DOCTOR WHAT
(long pause)
…what?

KIT
Stands with fist!
(He does so)

DOCTOR WHAT stares at him for a moment, then turns away.

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone’s got to get
me my incestuous lovers!
GBW, what about you?
You’re always ready
for a moment of sanity!

GBW
(stands up)
What? Oh, now you need GBW!
(sarcastically)
You didn’t need GBW when you were
failing to comment on all his excellent works
about the American Civil War being slightly
different in a world where Alexander the Great
lived to 90, were you? You’re an anti-
(pauses, flicks through a little book)
Quebecois…Montenegrin…Breton…
Liechtensteiner bigot!
I have half a mind to go away and start my own
crappy half-assed Multiverse Exploration Ship crew!

GBW stumps off, whining to himself. DOCTOR WHAT stares after him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me strength…

KIT
I want to believe you.
I want to believe that I haven't
made such a profound error in
judgment in trusting you,
in asking your advice. But
here's where we are, doctor. If
anyone can be a Cylon, and
it's hard to tell us apart then
we only have one thing left to
trust. Our instincts, our feelings.
And the moment they told me
it was your face in the
photo I knew I believed it.
I believe you were involved
in the attack... somehow. I feel it.

DOCTOR WHAT
…shut up, Kit.

KIT
You’re guilty of stereotyping homosexuals!
I’ll launch a rocket into your face!

LANDSHARK
Don’t be silly,
rockets are a Zionist hoax.

MATT
That’s just what the
government WANTS you to think!

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, otherwise how could
HAARP launch its mind-control satellites?

DOCTOR WHAT
I give up!

GREY WOLF
Doc,
You said: “I give up!”
What a marvellous addition
to the discourse that was!
I can only applaud your erudition.
The Soviets should have won the Cold War.

DOCTOR WHAT stares at all of them, red in the face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(in a strangled yell)
YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!

DOCTOR WHAT turns and storms off.

IRONYUPPIE
He’s probably off to club
more baby seals to death!

LANDSHARK
At least he had a backup plan.

The bridge crew resume arguing.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR

Grumbling to himself, DOCTOR WHAT storms down the corridor and takes several turn-offs before appearing before a large portal of some kind with a capital W stamped on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
By Milosevic and Botha, this is the place!

DOCTOR WHAT presses the button beside the door and steps through as it opens.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WHATIAN TEMPLE

The room is done up in an ornate oriental style, with lots of gold decoration on top of red silks. In the middle is a fat, Buddha-like icon of WHAT himself sitting atop an altar and surrounded by incense burners. Sitting before this icon is HENDRYK, his eyes rolling up and sitting in a cross-legged pose.

HENDRYK
(humming)
Om madre padme hum…

DOCTOR WHAT shakes him out of his meditation.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oy! Archbishop! Wake up you fucking um…incense-head.

HENDRYK
(woozily waking up)
What? How DARE you interrupt the repose of a highly
decorated veteran of the US Navy and –
(immediately becomes subservient)
Oh, it is you, the Great What!
Well, even though you are of an inferior race to myself,
you are nonetheless greater yet than even Ty Cobb and
the writers of that Star Trek/Golden Girls crossover, so…

DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever! Come on, I need your help to get this crate moving!

HENDRYK slowly gets up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at the altar)
How come those burners never go out, anyway?

HENDRYK
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

HENDRYK yanks one of the silk curtains aside to reveal LUAKEL sitting atop an exercise bike whose chain is attached to some kind of smoke machine piped into the incense burners. LUAKEL is pedalling frantically, panting, and red in the face.

HENDRYK
Faster, Urkel! Work like the inferior Urdu-speaking slave you are!

LUAKEL
Is it because I is black?

HENDRYK lets the curtain fall again and follows DOCTOR WHAT out.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m surprised you talked him into that!

HENDRYK
I learned many skills whilst in my highly important
position in the laundr – I mean the launch bay on the
USS Endoscope. But in this case it was entirely
due to our shared interest in Star Trek.

LUAKEL
(VO)
I liked Captain Sisko best!

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on. To Engineering!

The two of them run out.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY - DAY

The room is as it usually appears, with the pulsing engine core. DAVE HOWERY is sitting in a deckchair near the centre with a phone headset at his ear.

DAVE HOWERY
(into phone)
Yes, dear…
(pause)
Yes, Keira, my love, you’re inherently beautiful…
(pause)
No, of course you’re not too fat, those are lies
spread by the evil apparatchiks of the State…
(frowns, looks through several polaroids)
But why do you keep sending me pictures of Ashlee Simpson?

We hear an outraged squawk from the phone and DAVE HOWERY hastily puts it down. As he does so, DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK dash in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lay in a course for the planet Cthulthu Neo-Byzantium,
Mister Fucking Chief Engineerhead!

HENDRYK
Hear the words of the Great What,
may his batting average always be .999!

DAVE HOWERY
(groans)
I’ll have you know that this engine
is my own private property,
even if it is on a public deck space.

DAVE HOWERY gets up, picks up a megaphone and shouts up and behind him.

DAVE HOWERY
Ready the engine!

Far up above we see the tiny figures of G.BONE and THANDE over the engine, holding levers.

G.BONE
:mad::mad::mad:
I’ll give this lever the bad touch!

THANDE
This lever had better be white!
I’m not touching an unclean black one!
Though Slavic ones are okay.

DAVE HOWERY
(turning back to DOCTOR WHAT)
They’re ready, O Anarcho-Capitalist Village Chief.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ready? GO!

G.BONE and THANDE both yank down on their levers and the engine core lights up brilliantly. The ship thrums with life.

LEO
(from the ceiling)
Vortex opening. Shift transit to target dimension commencing.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s our ETA, you shit-sucking computer?

LEO
Well, I predict that before we get
there the Democratic Party will collapse,
France will be taken over by the National Front,
and teh evol muslims will do something that’s teh evol.
So basically…
(considers)
About five minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good.
(turns back to DAVE HOWERY)
I’m glad [u]someone[/u] on this ship is competent…

DAVE HOWERY
Thank you, Inherent Captain.

Instantly, the camera angle changes and DAVE HOWERY is looking off to one side in a weird fashion, staring at nothing.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh? Well that, MrP, is because you are a douche,
MrP, because, therefore, MrP, you are stupid, MrP!

We pan up to reveal THANDE staring at the same empty space.

THANDE
Yes! MrPeePeeHead is a blackamoor!

G.BONE
We should give him the bad touch.

Pan back to reveal DOCTOR WHAT’s fixed expression.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Well. Anyway.
(coughs)

After a moment, the engine tone changes again.

LEO
Vortex closing. We have arrived at our destination.
As I always predicted. I’m not saying I liked it,
but it was inevitable.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! Time to beam down!

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY all leave. Far up above, we see THANDE chalking ‘Blacks Go Home’ on the wall beside him; G.BONE stares at this, appalled.

G.BONE
You are a bad man! That will make gay couples jump off bridges!

THANDE
We might as well get rid of them as well.

G.BONE
(incensed)
I give you the bad touch!

G.BONE jumps on top of THANDE and starts hitting him with a truncheon.

THANDE
LEARN TO THINK YOU INCONTINENT FUCK HEAD!!!

Fade to black.

EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE PLANET

The AH.com Ship orbiting a somewhat unusual-looking planet, clearly not a normal Earth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY and HENDRYK all approach the door to the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
(exultant)
At last! I’ve been waiting for this
since the voodoo Aztecs took over Jurassic Park!

The three of them go through the door.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT is first through the door and suddenly halts as he does so, his face freezing in shock.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the…?!

We switch camera angles and see that the teleporter room is already full of the bridge crew from before, all indolently lazing over the floor and teleporter pads. As we watch, GREY WOLF looks up, playing an elasticated bat-and-ball game with his idle hand.

GREY WOLF
Doc,
You said “What the…?!”
What a perfect donation of your wisdom to this topic!
I must approve of your courage in contributing it.
Bush should be executed for war crimes.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell are you fucking crackheads doing here?!

DAVE HOWERY
Right! We rigged the engines to get here,
so this planet is our own private (and yet public) property!

IRONYUPPIE
Nonsense – you have no higher brain functions –
I have spoken to the native tribal leaders and they
have given us access to the planet, as well as ceasing
their barbaric Giant Sheep hunts.

HENDRYK
Who cares what the inferior Urdu-speaking natives think?
It is the Great What who shall lead us through troubles
to a land flowing with baseball and Golden Girls DVDs!

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing frustratedly)
Fine – you can all crash on Sith-ruled Middle-earth
for all I care! G.Bone, beam us down…
(looks around)
Where is G.Bone?

Cut to -

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINE ROOM

THANDE and G.BONE are still fighting each other – as we watch, THANDE wrestles G.BONE and rams his head through a glowing portal on the engine core for a moment – G.BONE then struggles out again, his hair now turned into a frazzled afro and his eyes blazing multicoloured.

G.BONE
God dammit, you have made me angry!
I’ll give you the bad touch!

A hatch opens in the side of the core and we see LUAKEL, still cycling on an exercise bike.

LUAKEL
(spots G.BONE’s afro)
Yes, brother! Kill whitey!
Preach it to the Man!

THANDE
Enoch was right!
I’ll have you both deported!

The fight continues. In the background, we see the GIANT MOSQUITO flying repeatedly into a giant bug zapper.

Cut back to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM

HENDRYK
Oh, never mind that racially impure Hawaiian!
I knew many of his sort when I was stationed
at Pearl Harbour with the glorious U.S. Navy
as a male hook – I mean, as a missile loader.
DAVE HOWERY
Yes, just get some other interchangeable character
to operate the teleporters. Inherently.

MATT
Bah! Everyone knows
teleporters are a Government hoax!

LANDSHARK
You fool – the Government is controlled by the Jews!
Obviously teleporters don’t exist because there’s
NO BACKUP PLAN!!!

KIT
Er, what about the shuttles?

LANDSHARK
(angrily)
How dare you impugn my extensive research!!

LANDSHARK starts punching and hitting KIT, who stands with fist.

KIT
You know, sometimes I think (OUCH!) t
hat you've got ice water in those veins, and
other times I think you're just a naive little
school teacher. I've sent (AARGH!) men
on suicide missions in two wars now, and
let me tell you something; it don't make a
Gods' damned bit of difference whether (OWIE!)
they're riding in a Viper or walking out
onto a parade ground. In the end, they're
just as dead. So take your piety and
your moralizing and your high-minded
principles and stick 'em some place safe
(EEK!) till you're off this rock and
you're sitting in your nice, cushy chair on
Colonial One again. I've got a war to fight –
(AARGH!)

KIT falls over as LANDSHARK continues punching and kicking him. The two of them tussle and end up lying on the teleporter pads.

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway, you fucking crackheads –
(randomly)
GBW, you work the teleporters!

GBW
Oh yes, now you want GBW to help,
not like when you rejected poor diddums’
excellent timeline where the crippled
Russian empire becomes the all-powerful
Soviet union within three months, gollum, gollum…

DOCTOR WHAT
Just do it!

They all get on the teleport pads, except GBW, who hits buttons randomly and then goes off to sulk. They are all dematerialised, including the still-fighting KIT and LANDSHARK.

GBW
Why does no-one like me, the wankers??

LEO
Because you’re an Islamofascistocommie apologist!!

EXT. – PLANET – DAY

The planet appears to be rather homogeneous and consists mostly of golden cornfields – basically Iowa. However, there’s some kind of metallic installation in the distance. The AH.commers materialise with a ‘pop!’

DOCTOR WHAT
Here at last! Time for some sisterly love!

DOCTOR WHAT runs off towards the installation. The others follow at a more sedate pace.

MATT
Hey, what happened to Landie?
Was he abducted by aliens?

IRONYUPPIE
Or by the minions of HAARP!

DAVE HOWERY
Uh-oh…I think something…inherent happened.

DAVE HOWERY takes a step back, revealing a strange figure lying in the middle of a crop circle. His facial features and clothes are melded and mixed but elements of both KIT and LANDSHARK are recognisable.

KITSHARK
(in weird composite voice)
You know, I think the Cylons may be a hoax.
After all, they had NO BACKUP PLAN
beyond destroying the Colonies!

HENDRYK
(tuts)
Typical product of the miscegenation of inferior races.

DAVE HOWERY
That teleporter must have been
built by an inferior state monopoly!

KITSHARK joins the others as they follow DOCTOR WHAT towards the installation.

EXT. – PLANET – INSTALLATION – DAY

A panting DOCTOR WHAT draws up near the metallic buildings, his eyes shining with glee. Outside the locked door to one of the buildings is a man in a deckchair, wearing a straw hat and dozing. He wakes up as DOCTOR WHAT comes closer and we see it’s ZYZZYVA.

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Ii See, You’ve Come At Last!
:eek:

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s right you fucking crackhead!
So where are all the lovely inbreds?

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Let Me, Get This Straiiight…
(unrolls a piece of paper and reads from it)
What You Saiiid Was, You Wanted
‘Asiiian Women Who Iii’m Related To’, Yes?
:eek:

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn straiiight – I mean, straight!
(muttering to himself)
Fucking crackhead.

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Just Wanted, To Check.
Here, They Come!
:eek:

As the rest of the AH.commers appear behind DOCTOR WHAT, ZYZZYVA gets up and yanks on a lever beside the door. The door swings open – there’s a rumble of footsteps –

And then a THOUSAND IDENTICAL OLD INDIAN WOMEN – all played by FLOCCULENCIO in makeup – charge out of the door and stampede DOCTOR WHAT to the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sputtering)
What the FUCK?!

GREY WOLF
(standing off to one side)
Doc,
You said ‘What the FUCK?!’
What a superb summary of the recent incident!
You should be awarded a Nobel Prize for literature.
The Balfour Declaration was worse than the Holocaust.

ZYZZYVA
(grinning madly)
:cool:
You Only, Saiiid Related…
You Diiidn’t Say, How!
:eek:

The FLOCCULENCIOs throw DOCTOR WHAT up in the air and toss him from one to another.

FLOCCULENCIOs
(in a gabble)
Oh you naughty Serb you!
How dare you marry your sister without a dowry!
You’ll have to burnt on the pyre now!

DOCTOR WHAT
Noooo! Not my mothers-in-law!!

HENDRYK
Behold the Humbling of the Prophet.
This reminds me of when I was working
as a sewag – I mean, as a submarine captain in the US Navy…

DOCTOR WHAT manages to scramble away from the FLOCCULENCIOs and stands with the other AH.commers, who have just arrived.

KITSHARK
Well, Madam President, you’d better have
a backup plan or you’ll cease to exist
as surely as the Twelve Colonies of Kobol.

DOCTOR WHAT
(double-taking)
What the fuck happened to you?!

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Noooo!!! Iit Iis The Memetiiic Mutatiion Viiirus!!
As Foretold Iin The Book Of Susano!!!
:eek:

MATT
And what does that do?
- as if it wasn’t an obvious Government plot.

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
You Wiiill, All Merge, Iinto One!!
And, The Uniiiverse Wiill End!!
:eek:

MATT
Don’t be ridiculous – look at…

He trails off as he turns to KITLANDSHARK – who is now KITLAND HOWERY.

KITLAND HOWERY
You are a douche for not realising that Starbuck had a backup plan, MrP!

HENDRYK
Come here, you inferior specimen,
and let me slap some sense into you –
aargh!

As HENDRYK grabs him, his hand merges and melds into KITLAND HOWERY – the two become one, KITLAND HENDRY.

KITLAND HENDRY
It is inherent that baseball is
superior to the Cylons, because
they did not peel potatoes!

A whirlwind starts around KITLAND HENDRY, pulling other AH.commers in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Back away, you fucking crackheads – he’ll -

But more AH.commers are sucked in and merged with him.

KITLANDMATT HENDRY
The Cylons are aliens and
abducted us in the anarcho-capitalist
state of the ancient Irish to
probe us with their baseball bats!

DOCTOR WHAT
(to ZYZZYVA)
Dammit, you fucker! Can’t you cure him?

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Well, Maybe, But Only Iif Someone Can Fiind
The Legendary ‘Biiig Red Reset Button’…
:eek:

KITLANDMATT IRONHENDRY
The Inuit really live in Arizona
like the Sioux and settled there
to escape Baltar’s traitors with
their fake atom bombs!

DOCTOR WHAT hangs grimly onto the creaking walls of ZYZZYVA’s installation to avoid being sucked into the swirling vortex surrounding KITLANDMATT IRONHENDRY.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting over the wind)
What Big Red Reset Button?!

ZYZZYVA
:cool:
Legend Says, That The Button Can Be Used To
Undo Any Damage Of Thiiis Kind…
:eek:

DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting)
Where is it?!

KITLANDMATT IRONHENDRYWOLF
Doc,
You said, ‘Where is it?!’
What an excellent point! The ancient Irish could
really not have done better, even if they had been
armed with Viper fighters and Roswell saucers.
So-called nuclear reactors are actually powered
by baby seals on treadmills inside, using Jews
to peel potatoes with Gilmore Girls DVDs.

ZYZZYVA
They Say, Iiit Liiies At The End Of A Far
And Grave Quest Iinto The Far, Reaches Of The Uniiverse…
(jerks a thumb behind him)
Just Behiiind, That Door.

DOCTOR WHAT
(yelling)
Fuck off and die, you fucking T-Rex Ctulthu hybrids!

DOCTOR WHAT manages to pull himself along the building and hurl himself through the door. Behind him, we see all the FLOCCULENCIOs and ZYZZYVA being sucked into the vortex and combined with KITLANDMATT IRONHENDRYWOLF.

Dissolve to:

INT. – AH.COM STUDIOS – SCRIPT ROOM

In the background, we can see the various TROLLS fighting each other over the computers and clipboards, those who have control over them for a few seconds typing furiously before being ripped away. PSYCHOMELTDOWN stands nervously between them and the door, which is now considerably dented inwards.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Come on…just a little longer…

But even as he says it, there’s a loud CLANG! and the door vibrates, denting inwards further – pause – CLANG! – pause – CLANG! –

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You won’t get in, not even using
Michael’s head as a battering ram!

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
He’s not the only Aussie in the world, ‘The Man’!

Pause – CLANG! –

And the door finally bursts open. DAVE HOWERY and MERRYPRANKSTER surge through, holding ROCKINGHAM between them – his eyes are crossed, he’s drooling loopily, and the crown of his head is bald and bleeding.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(panting)
We may have used up five to get here…

DAVE HOWERY
But still, rock by name and rock by nature.

DAVE HOWERY taps ROCKINGHAM’s skull and we hear a dull, resonant thud sound.

PSYCHO snatches up his whip and chair from beside him and cracks the whip at them.

PSYCHO
You shall not pass!

DOCTOR WHAT pushes between MERRYPRANKSTER and DAVE HOWERY and smirks at PSYCHO.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think we’ll need to.

The three writers all look upwards.

PSYCHO
(suspiciously)
I’m not falling for that old one…

MERRYPRANKSTER
That’s just what Catherine Zeta Jones said
and look what happened to her!

PSYCHO looks puzzled for a moment – then glances up – we see a grille popping off the ceiling and flying to one side – then MICHAEL drops spectacularly from the vents above him and comes crashing down on top of PSYCHO, who falls to the floor – MICHAEL explodes like a cluster bomb, sending limbs flying everywhere, trailing blood –

As PSYCHO cries out in surprise, THANDE drops down after MICHAEL and stands atop the dazed PSYCHO in a pose.

THANDE
(triumphantly)
Daring Commando Raid™.

MERRYPRANKSTER and DAVE HOWERY dash past the fallen PSYCHO and begin fighting the TROLLS for control of the computers – we see DAVE HOWERY pull out a nuclear weapon and terrify ELEVEN11, while MERRYPRANKSTER does the same with CYRYLLIA and the 1945 Labour manifesto.

PSYCHO
(gasping as he pulls himself upright)
You’ve failed – it’s too late – my trolls
have already written an episode and saved the ratings –

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh really?

He steps aside to reveal the Ratings-meter in the main room behind him – tight focus on PSYCHO’s face as he sees the needle click down to 50% -

PSYCHO
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

White flash and fade to:

INT. – PLANET – INSTALLATION

DOCTOR WHAT throws himself through the doors and into the creaking metal warehouse. It continues to shake from the whirlwind outside. DOCTOR WHAT goes into the middle of the warehouse, where there is a platform on which is a console with a huge red button labelled ‘Big Red Reset Button’.

However, it is protected by a large moat, which is actually a transparent tank – and, as we can see, it’s filled with sharks. Their dorsal fins swim menacingly by.

DOCTOR WHAT
By Ctulthu Realpolitick!
How the hell am I going to get past this?!

The warehouse creaks threateningly again – and, through a window, we see KITLANDMATTFLOCC IRONHENDRYWOLFZYZ slowly walking closer, menace in his mad eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
C’mon – think, you Neanderthal shithead!

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes alight on some supplies lying near some crates in a corner, including a bicycle –

Short montage of DOCTOR WHAT quickly sawing wood and assembling a crude ramp in front of the shark tank.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll jump the shark and save the Series!

DOCTOR WHAT leaps on top of the bike – as he does, the door finally gives way and KITLANDMATTFLOCC IRONHENDRYWOLFZYZ is framed by it, his whirlwind all around him. It starts to pull DOCTOR WHAT, bike and all, backwards into his embrace.

KITLANDMATTFLOCC IRONHENDRYWOLFZYZ
Come…to…me…embrace t
he inherent hoax of the Twelve
anarcho-capitalistColonies of the
Palestinian Inuit of Kerala in the
fake 9/11 plot to end baseball in
Arizona :cool: As We All, Know!!
:eek:

DOCTOR WHAT
NEVER, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEAD!

DOCTOR WHAT pedals furiously and the bike slows down and stops – then starts heading in the opposite direction!

He speeds up the ramp, goes flying over the shark tank – the camera goes around him while he remains frozen, a la The Matrix – and, as the sharks snap impotently below him, he comes crashing down onto the platform and hammers down on the Big Reset Button with his fist.

DOCTOR WHAT
DIE!!!

KITLANDMATTFLOCC IRONHENDRYWOLFZYZ
Doc,
You said “Die”.
I say, you are a douche, because therefore:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

A blast of rainbow-white last explodes outwards from the Reset Button and consumes the screen.
Fade to black.

Then:

INT. – STUDIO – SCRIPT ROOM

PSYCHO looks up, cautiously, from where he had his head in his hands – to see IAN standing before him, looking supercilious.

IAN
Weak, East India Company. Weak.

IAN tosses a disarmed bomb in the air and catches it.

IAN
I think this little affair has gone on long enough…

IAN turns to DOCTOR WHAT, THANDE, MICHAEL (somehow reconstituted), DAVE HOWERY, and MERRYPRANKSTER.

IAN
Get back to work, you Writer Chimps.

WRITER CHIMPS
(in dead-eyed monotone)
We…will…get…back…to…work.

Marching like zombies, the Writer Chimps go back to the script computers and begin typing industrially away. IAN then pulls out his Banhammer and begins flicking it down on the scampering TROLLS – with each hit, the TROLL fades from existence, sent back to the Hall of Infamy. Soon they are all gone.

PSYCHO still cowers behind him as he turns back.

PSYCHO
But, Mr Executive Producer –
if you could do that all along –
why didn’t you do it at the start?

IAN
Well, I like watching you suffer.
And I wanted to see what solution you came up with.
But this?
(gestures)
Hiring trolls as scabs? Bottle shows? Clip shows?
I expected better from you.

PSYCHO
What else could I have done?!

IAN leans close to him, threateningly, but smiles.

IAN(softly)
You’re a Writer Chimp yourself, silly.
Why didn’t you write an episode?

PSYCHO looks at him with an expression of uncomprehending confusion.

PSYCHO
Wri-i-ite?
That sounds like, like…
(shivers)
Wo-o-o-ork…

IAN laughs.

Fade to black.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE
The crew are back in their usual positions, all looking extremely confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
What, um, just happened, you…
(trails off)
…crewmen?

LANDSHARK
I think it was some sort of
half-arsed “and it was all a
dream” sequences.
In other words, a hoax.
(looks confused)

IRONYUPPIE
(furious)
Did I give you permission to speak?!

LANDSHARK
(hopefully)
Does this mean a little
punishment with ‘Number Three’?

IRONYUPPIE
Damn straight!
(pause)
At least, before the mental reconditioning.

LANDSHARK
(happily)
Average wow.

GREY WOLF
Um, fuck, yes, I think that must have been it.
(winces)
I have the strange lack of a hangover…

HENDRYK
(confused)
I’ve never liked spectator sports, but I have
this strange urge to go and see someone called
the ‘Diamondbacks’ at some place called ‘Chase Field’…

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head and gets up from his seat.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever. It’s not important.
Let’s just move on to
our next exciting adventure!
(to the ceiling)
Leo, what’s our ETA to the Hub?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, it’s three hours.
I’m not saying I like it, but it’s inevitable we’ll…
(trails off)
I mean, it’s three hours.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. That’s the end of that.

MATT
Except, of course, for the obligatory ‘OR WAS IT?!’ moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, naturally.

As DOCTOR WHAT smiles, we pull out from the scene, through the bridge dome, and see a magnificent, newly filmed shot of the AH.com Ship slowly driving across space, to another vortex site.

And as we do so, we see LUAKEL in a spacesuit, clinging to the side and painting a huge mural of Malcolm X on the hull of the ship…

LUAKEL
(VO)
Stick it to whitey!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Filed under: Series No Comments
2Dec/120

4×06 – Keep of the Icelords

TEASER

EXT- CANCUN- DAY

The camera opens on a beautiful scene of a tropical beach. Big hotel buildings are seen, with jungle and mountains in the background. As the camera pans along the shore, we see dozens of people in swimsuits enjoying the sun and surf. The camera stops on DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY, who are walking casually along the beach. DR. WHAT is wearing his usual clothes, but DAVE HOWERY is dressed in stereotypical tourist gear; sandals, straw hat, shorts, and a big flowered shirt.

DR. WHAT
Are you sure you want to stay here?
He may have gotten over it by now.

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe, but I can’t take that chance.
I won’t risk taking her there.

DR. WHAT
I suppose you can’t. But… a whole week of this?
Won’t you get bored?

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, I could use some boredom. It’s been a hell of a year
so far, and I need the rest. I’m not exactly young anymore,
and fighting the forces of evil on a couple hundred timelines
really takes it out of me.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, that ‘not exactly young’
part is what worries me…

The two men turn to look at something off camera, and the camera switches to their POV. KEIRA is seen laughing and splashing in the waves, wearing a swimsuit, with drops of water gleaming in her dark hair. The camera switches back to the men.

DR. WHAT
Geez, DAVE, how do you keep with up
someone less than half your age?

DAVE HOWERY
Willpower, discipline, and that good old
fashioned American ‘can do’ attitude.

DR. WHAT
(snorts in derision)
Right. And a big bottle of little blue pills,
according to TORQUMADA.

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
Damn that doctor. Patient confidentiality, my ass!

DR. WHAT
Well, good luck. We’ll be back for you next week.

DR. WHAT takes out a communicator and mumbles into it. Moments later, he pops out of sight as the teleporter focuses on him. DAVE HOWERY takes a deep breath and smiles. As he stretches his arms, KEIRA runs up to him and gives him a quick hug.

KEIRA
This place is fantastic! I can’t believe
we have a whole week to ourselves here!

DAVE HOWERY
Yep, babe, seven glorious days of sunshine and sand.
No being chased by robots or dinosaurs, no saving the
world from demented LUAKEL clones,
and no THANDE to spy on us.

KEIRA
Yes, that THANDE is a real creep all right.

She leans contentedly on DAVE’S shoulder, and both look out over the ocean, enjoying the moment. Suddenly, a huge shadow falls over the pair, and they look up; the camera switches to their POV.

A massive triangular shaped ship is seen flying overhead, blocking the sun. Small fighter craft, round with octagon wings, flit around it. A broadcast voice (oddly squeaky and high pitched) is heard booming down from it.

VOICE
This is the Imperial Star Destroyer EXECUTOR.
This planet is now the possession of his majesty,
the Emperor. Submit to his will or face the wrath of the Sith!

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, that’s just fucking great.
We’re under attack by Star Wars geeks.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“KEEP OF THE ICELORDS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT 1

EXT- SPACE

The camera shows a view of an Earth that is strangely different from the normal one, with the continents and oceans arranged completely different. But it is an Earth we have seen before… the Adventure Planet!

INT- AH.COM BRIDGE- DAY

The camera pans across the room, showing most of the crewmembers at their stations. The camera stops at the captain’s chair, where DR. WHAT is talking to FLOCCULENCIO.

DR. WHAT
Okay, I think you’re the last one.
All the others have filled out their forms.
(glances over form)
Wow, that EGG really asks some intimate questions.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, he says it’s because knowing all this stuff helps them
make the adventure really appeal to us. Although I don’t know
why they ask us what kind of porn we like. That’s just prying.
(beat)
Speaking of the others… who else is going this time?
Are we taking the same people who got hijacked into the last game?

DR .WHAT
No, just you. Remember that we left DAVE HOWERY
back at the Vacation Planet; he’s worried about EGG,
what with him stealing KEIRA and all that.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh yeah.
(mumbling)
Bastard.

DR. WHAT
And TORQUMADA said that nothing in Heaven or Hell
could get him to go back there among the fleas and ringworm.
And IRONYUPPIE didn’t want to go back either… said
something about being into completely different kinds of
fantasy involving LANDSHARK and branding irons.
(shudders)

FLOCCULENCIO
Pity. What about you?

DR. WHAT
I was thinking about it, but HENDRYK begged and pleaded
to go so eloquently, that I decided to let him go in my place.
He wants to be a Chinese court mage.
(glances through forms)
So… the party is going to be you,
HENDRYK, THANDE, GBW, and DMA.

FLOCCULENCIO
Aw, damn it, THANDE?! What the hell good is he going to be down there,
he’s a total failure when it comes to any kind of combat.

DR. WHAT
Trust me, he found a role that suits him perfectly.
Well, that should about do it, now we just have to wait…

The view screen opposite the chair lights up, and a smiling man with white hair and beard is seen.

EGG
Welcome back to the Adventure Planet,
Captain WHAT. Is your party ready to go?

DR. WHAT
Yes, all the paperwork is filled out.

EGG
Very well, then have your party ready to teleport down…
I’ll send you the coordinates. See you in a few.

The view screen goes dark.

DR. WHAT
(sighs)
And here you go again.
Are you sure you’re ready for this?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes. I know the last time was a mistake, but you have to admit,
it was a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to the action, the adrenaline rush, the…

DR. WHAT
The chance to hook up with another version of KEIRA?

FLOCCULENCIO
Why, I’d never… of course I wouldn’t….
(pause)
All right, yes.

DR. WHAT
Thought so. Well, get the rest of the team together,
and let’s head over to the teleportation room. I wonder
how hard it will be to sweet talk EGG into letting DAVE keep KEIRA.

FLOCCULENCIO
You think he might demand her return?
That could make things rather tense.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, but I have to try. Just think about
poor DAVE if he lost her.

DR. WHAT looks over and sees that FLOCCULENCIO has a happy smile on his face. He groans, and both of them leave the room.

EXT- SPACE - DAY

The camera shows a wide shot of the Adventure Planet, with the AH.COM as a tiny speck in orbit. The camera makes a long sweep around the planet to the opposite side. A vortex opens in space, and the CF.NET emerges from it. It settles into orbit, on the opposite side of the planet from the AH.COM.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- DAY

The camera pans across the dark and grim interior of the CF.NET. The camera stops on several chairs set up in front of the view screen. ROMULUS AUGUSTUS, FAEELIN, SCARECROW, and FORTYSEVEN are seated there. DOMINUS NOVUS is there too, with a hood over his face to hide his scars. The door opens, and KILNGIRL walks into the room.

KILNGIRL
What are we doing here in this timeline?

FAEELIN
Have a seat, new girl. This will be worth watching.

KILNGIRL
Why? What’s so special about this planet?

SCARECROW
It’s a live action role playing planet. The whole thing
is set up as one big set of fantasy role playing games.
They have genetic factories under the surface to make
monsters with, all kinds of special effects, the works.

KILNGIRL
(rolls eyes)
I don’t have time for this!!
(pause)
Wait… I heard about this… didn’t several of you get
bitch smacked by the AH.COM crew here a while back?

At this, the crew looks surly and angry.

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
Hey! They cheated! Besides, we didn’t even know what was going on.
The damn computers here misfired and hijacked four of us into the game
and modified our memories… we didn’t remember who we were, we
were just generic bad guys. And the damn AH.COM goodie-goodies
killed three of us. Hell, that damn DAVE HOWERY shot me right
between the eyes with a frickin’ arrow!!

KILNGIRL
And yet, here you are, bothering me.

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
Well, this place has some damn powerful healing nanites.
That was the only thing that kept us alive. They even got
WARD, and he lived to tell about it.

KILNGIRL
Where is the captain, anyway?

At this, the other crew members grin at each other.

SCARECROW
Let’s just say that he worked out a plan to take a little revenge.

KILNGIRL shrugs and sits down. She pulls a small incredibly ugly monkey out of her pocket and sets it on her shoulder, feeding it bits of bread and popcorn.

FORTYSEVEN
Why do you keep that ugly useless thing around?

KILNGIRL
We keep you around, don’t we?
(to monkey)
Just ignore them, WYLDCARD4.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera pans along a very large room filled with computer stations and large monitor displays. Several people are seated at the stations and watching games on the monitors, while pushing buttons and typing in commands on keyboards; obviously, they are supervising the games. The door opens, and DR. WHAT and EGG enter the room.

EGG
I think your people are nearly done in costuming. Sorry it took so long,
but your man HENDRYK had a lot of special requests for his. Something
about the color of the stitching on the 12th dragon symbol
being maroon and not brick red.

DR. WHAT
That sounds like him.
(pause)
I’m surprised that you haven’t brought this up yet,
but we need to talk about DAVE HOWERY and
his stealing of KEIRA from you.

EGG
(shrugs)
It happens more than you’d think. People put in requests
to encounter some famous woman they fantasize about,
find them here in the games, and then devise ways to steal them.
But they always seem to find out that having your fantasy
come true isn’t all that great, and they always end up bringing them back.
(pause)
So, is DAVE here? Does he want to return her?

DR. WHAT
Well… no. He stayed away from this timeline
specifically so you couldn’t get her back.

EGG
Odd… usually, these flings end in a month or two.

DR. WHAT
Well, remember that he and we were hijacked into your game,
and had no idea what was happening. None of us requested any
encounters with famous women, and DAVE certainly didn’t make
a special request to get KEIRA. But he likes her now; in fact,
he’s rather violent about any threats to her.

EGG
Well, that’s all for the… ah, here they are.

Two men walk up towards them; one is a bit surly looking, with white hair and beard, and the other has a pleasant smile and gray hair.

EGG
(points to bearded man)
Captain, this is DAVE ARNESON, my vice president of the company.
The other is ROB KUNTZ. He’ll be the supervisor of your game.

ROB KUNTZ shakes hands with DR. WHAT, but DAVE ARNESON just nods.

EGG
And here are your people. Looks like Costuming
did a pretty good job with them.

DR. WHAT turns to see the ‘adventurers’ entering through another door. All are dressed up in fantasy adventure clothing. FLOCCULENCIO is wearing the same black leather armor and cloak that he did in the previous game, and has his saber and dagger on his belt. GBW is wearing chain mail and is carrying a large battle axe rather carelessly; he has a holy symbol shaped like an axe hanging from a chain around his neck. THANDE is wearing long robes, and strange clinking sounds are heard as he moves. He seems to have no weapons. DMA is obviously a warrior of some kind, and wears Roman style armor. A molded steel breastplate is fitted over his torso, and a helmet with a crest is on his head. He has a long double edged sword at his belt, a round shield on one arm, and a short bow and quiver of arrows on his back. HENDRYK is the gaudiest of all; he wears long Chinese style green silk robes decorated with graceful dragon symbols of various colors. His sole weapon is a knife at his belt.

EGG
Excellent! Now, you are ready. Your healing nanites
have been injected, and your subliminal ‘clues’ chip is
implanted. All we need to do is teleport you into the game.
(pause)
At this time, it is necessary to remind you that once you enter the game,
its do or die… maybe literally. There is no stopping the game, no
interference from outside, and no restarting it later. Do you all
agree to enter this game on your own liability?

The party members all look a little pale, but nod in agreement.

EGG
Very well. Now, if you’ll follow DAVE ARNESON,
he’ll take you to the teleporter. Good luck!

DAVE ARNESON motions to the party, and they follow him out of the room.

EGG
So far, so good. You know,
Costuming did a superb job there.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, but I find myself wishing IRONYUPPIE had
agreed to go into this game, fur bikini and all.

EGG
Yes, that was quite a sight. You know, the video of your
adventure was one of our best selling items for a while, because of that.

DR. WHAT
Whatever you do, don’t tell her that.
So, what happens now?

EGG
I’ve got a seat for you over by ROB’S computer station.
You can watch it on the monitor as it runs.

DR. WHAT follows ROB KUNTZ as he walks through the room. As they go, flashes of other games are seen on the monitors of other stations. We see a party of people moving through a dank swamp, one group fighting a band of very ugly orcs, and another group battling a huge red dragon. ROB KUNTZ stops at an empty station and seats himself. DR. WHAT sees a comfortable looking recliner chair nearby and sinks into it. ROB KUNTZ types in several commands and the monitor lights up; several lines of computer code scroll by on it.

ROB KUNTZ
Everything’s ready. All I need to do is input this
last command, and the game begins.

DR. WHAT leans forward anxiously, as ROB hits the ‘enter’ key.

ROB KUNTZ
And… we have a successful teleport.
Now, just sit back and…

He pauses as a red light flashes for a moment on his station. He quickly types in some commands and looks at some lines of code that scroll up.

DR .WHAT
Is there a problem? Please don’t tell
me you have another computer glitch!

ROB KUNTZ
No. The computer thought that something had gotten corrupted when
the game started, but I ran a quick scan, and everything is fine.
It does this sometimes.

DR. WHAT sits back, looking relieved. On the monitor, a message appears: “The game has begun.”

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera shows us the rest of the crew seated in here, snacks and drinks in hand. All are looking at the view screen, which says “The game has begun.”

TORQUMADA
Those poor bastards. I can’t believe they volunteered to do this.

MICHAEL
Damn it, how come I couldn’t go?!

The rest of the crew laughs.

IRONYUPPIE
Are you kidding? This place would
have you eaten by something in minutes.

MICHAEL
Not true! I bet you wouldn’t let me go because you knew
I’d kill all the bad guys and get all the treasure all by myself!

Everyone else laughs again. MICHAEL mutters something under his breath, and then everyone quiets as the view screen goes to the game.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- DAY

The crew on the bridge are leaning forward as the view screen says “The game has begun.” The men all look at each other with nasty grins, while KILNGIRL just looks puzzled.

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
Yeah! Nobody caught on to what we’re doing!

FAEELIN
Oh yes. This is going to be good!

EXT- VELUNA- DAY

The camera pans across a beautiful scene of lush meadows and forests, in what is obviously a temperate European type setting. Snow capped mountains can be seen in the background. The camera stops panning as the team of adventurers shimmers into view. They all look at each other for a moment, and then everyone looks at FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look around, guys, there should be… ah, there it is.

He points to something off camera, and the camera switches to his POV. There is short stone pillar nearby, with five backpacks leaning against it. A small black box with a big red button is on top of the pillar. The five adventurers walk up and each picks up a backpack, seeming to know which is theirs already. They take a moment to root through the packs, and they all pull out sealed envelopes.

FLOCCULENCIO
Ah, our background notes. Well, you already know
I’m a thief, backstabbing, picking locks and pockets,
and finding traps. What about the rest of you?

GBW
I’m a cleric of Heironeous, god of chivalry and valor and courage
and that kind of stuff. Everyone, protect me, because I’m the guy
who heals you when you get hurt, and you know you will. I carry t
his big bad axe because that’s what my patron deity does.
(mutters)
Damn thing weighs a ton.

THANDE
I found the perfect role to play!

He opens up his robes, and we see that there are dozens of small glass tubes, filled with assorted chemicals, in pockets on the inside.

THANDE
I’m an alchemist!

The others look at each other a moment.

FLOCCULENCIO
(muttering)
I knew he was going to be useless.

GBW
So… does this mean you’ll spend the
whole game trying to turn lead into gold?

THANDE
No! I’ll use my real vast knowledge of
chemistry to do lots of useful things!

FLOCCULENCIO
Sure you will. What about you, HENDRYK?

HENDRYK
I’m a court mage from far to the west of here, an Imperial wuren.
I have a bunch of scrolls here someplace that I use for spellcasting.
I follow the philosophy of the great Bakluni mystic Tai Mai Chu.

THANDE
Who? Tie My Shoe?

HENDRYK
No! It’s Tai Mai Chu!

THANDE
That’s what I said, Tie My Shoe.
What about you, DMA?

DMA
I’m, uh, a warrior. From over there somewhere.
(waves hand off to the east)

FLOCCULENCIO
That’s it? Didn’t spend a lot of time
on the character background, did you?

DMA
No. I just want to kill people and take their stuff.

HENDRYK
Ah, the very essence of fantasy roleplaying.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, let’s find out what we’re supposed to do in this game.

He walks over to the pillar and pushes the big red button on the box. A voice is heard speaking out of it.

VOICE
Welcome adventurers! Your quest on the Adventure Planet
is about to begin! This message will be your only background,
so please listen closely. You are in the northern part of the
Archclericy of Veluna, a religious nation in the center of the
civilized world. You are very near the northern border, near
the town of Torrik. You are members of one of the Free Companies,
groups of adventurers for hire. You have been sent here by the Canon,
the ruler of Veluna. The people of Torrik have requested aid
from the ruler, claiming that they are in dire need of heroes.
But their messages have not explained just what their problem is.
Your task is to find out what they are having difficulty with and
put an end to it. Torrik lies directly north of here.
Good luck.

The adventurers all look at each other in puzzlement.

GBW
Well, that’s certainly mysterious.
Wonder just what’s happening there.

HENDRYK
I suppose we won’t find out until we get there.
So… which way is north?

THANDE, DMA, and GBW all point in different directions. HENDRYK groans.

HENDRYK
Doesn’t anyone have a compass?

GBW
I don’t think little personal ones have been invented here.
But really, look at the sun, it’s going down in the west,
so north has to be that way.

HENDRYK
Logical as always. All right, let’s go.
I want to find an inn before night falls.

The party tramps off to the north.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The camera opens on a shot of DR. WHAT sitting back in his chair. He has a bowl full of snacks and a Canadian beer on his lap. He is looking at the monitor in puzzlement.

DR. WHAT
Good God, it seemed for a moment there that this adventure
wasn’t even going to get started, since no one knew the right
way to go. I’m surprised that GBW was the one who knew
which way was north. He’s not the outdoorsy type.

ROB KUNTZ
He didn’t. I gave him a nudge with the subliminal implant.

DR. WHAT
I see. Well, it’s a good thing the computers are smarter than they are.

EXT- TORRIK- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a small medieval village surrounded by fields of grain and meadows of lush grass. The village stands at the foot of a range of tall hills in the background. A dirt road leads up to the town; moments later, the party enters the scene, moving up the road.

The camera switches to a closer view of the party. They look tired and dusty. THANDE stops and stoops over for a moment, taking a deep breath.

THANDE
Finally! The damn village is in sight!
How many hours have we been walking?

GBW
About 45 minutes.

THANDE
(muttering)
I’ve got to start putting in more time on the treadmill.

HENDRYK stretches his arms and shakes the dust off his boots. He pauses, and looks at something off in the distance.

HENDRYK
Look there; does that seem odd to you?

The others look to where he is pointing, and the camera switches to their POV. The camera shows a hill overlooking the village. It is tall and forested, but is also covered with snow and ice, even though none of the other hills nearby have any. Streams of water are running down the hill from the melt. Something on top of the hill can be seen; it’s obviously a man-made structure. The camera switches back to the adventurers, who are looking at each other with grins.

GBW
I’d say we just found the place where the adventure is going to be.

HENDRYK
I’d say you’re right… not that that was any great deduction.
Let’s get down there… I want a bed and a bath and a good night’s sleep.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- DAY

The crew on the bridge are looking at the view screen with rather bored expressions. KILNGIRL looks a bit peeved.

KILNGIRL
This blows! So far, all I’ve seen is those losers
walking down a road. When does something happen?

SCARECROW
The captain said that the first day of this adventure is mostly build up.
Things won’t really get hopping until tomorrow.

KILNGIRL
(stands)
Another whole day?! Why the hell are we sitting
here then, let’s just come back tomorrow.

DOMINUS NOVUS
Because the captain said that he wanted all of us to watch this.
Are you going to disobey him?

KILNGIRL thinks for a moment, and then sits back down.

EXT- TORRIK- DAY

The camera opens on a scene from inside the village. Peasants are seen moving around the streets, going about their business. The party enters the scene, looking around in wonder.

DMA
So… we’re here. What now? Do we go around asking
random strangers about their problems?

GBW
Of course not. Didn’t you ever play
an RPG when you were a kid?

DMA
No, I was too busy beating up
the geeks who did play them.

GBW
Uh… right. Well, there’s one place in town that is
guaranteed to give you all the answers you need.

GBW, THANDE, HENDRYK, FLOCCULENCIO
(simultaneously)
The tavern!

DMA
A pub? Like that one over there?

He points to something off camera, and the view switches to his POV. A large building in the center of town is seen; a sign on it says “The Ice Lords Tavern.”

THANDE
Yes, DMA, just like that one. Let’s go see what we can find out.

The party moves towards the door of the inn.

INT- TAVERN COMMON ROOM- DAY

The camera pans across the smoke-filled room, which is dimly lit by a roaring fire and a handful of candles. A dozen peasant folk are seated at the rough-hewn tables, but one man seems to be better dressed and fed than the others. A fat and burly man is behind the bar, idly wiping down the counter. The door opens, and the party enters the room. Everyone looks at them in astonishment. The adventurers look around uneasily.

HENDRYK
(low voice)
They’re all looking at us!

FLOCCULENCIO
(low voice)
Of course they are; how many people dressed
like this do you think they see every day?

The well dressed man lurches to his feet, and walks over to them. He looks at them hesitantly for a moment, and then speaks.

MAN
Have you been sent by the Canon, in response to our messages?

HENDRYK
Yes. Can you tell us what it is that you need of us?

MAN
Yes, but not here. I am KAPEL, mayor of this fine town.
Come, let us move to a room in the back, away from
all these prying eyes and ears.

The party follows KAPEL to a door at the back of the tavern.

INT- BACK ROOM- EVENING

The party and KAPEL are seated around a table, drinks all around.

HENDRYK
So, what is it you require of us, Mayor?

KAPEL
(hesitates)
Do you know anything of the background to this place?

The adventurers all look at each other a moment and then shake their head.

KAPEL
Very well. This place has an ancient history. When the Suloise and
the Bakluni destroyed each others’ empires thousands of years ago,
this valley was one of the places the Suloise fled to. As you know,
they are one of the most evil and violent peoples ever to exist. They
built a keep on the hill just to the north of here. They weren’t really
a problem until our Oeridian ancestors came to settle here. The Suloise
hunted and tormented them for years. Finally, an Oeridian group of
magi called down a curse upon them and their keep. The hill, the keep,
the Suloise, and all their servants were frozen in an instant, and the hill
became choked with ice and snow. The hill remains frozen over even
in the hottest part of summer. The keep itself was buried in the eternal snowfall.

GBW
Wait a minute… we saw that hill on the way here, and
we could see the keep on top of it. It wasn’t buried in snow,
and the icepack on the hill is melting.
(pause)
Are you saying that the curse has been lifted somehow?

KAPEL
Yes. Water from the melt has flooded some of our fields.
Worse than that, strange men and beasts have been attacking
our farms. Something has broken the magic that kept the keep
frozen, and the Suloise and their servants are coming back to life.
We need you to go there and find out what happened and
put the magical curse back on the hill.

The adventurers sit back and look at each other; the same thought obviously goes through all their minds.

THANDE
We didn’t dress warm enough for this.

KAPEL
Do not worry, the town can provide you with furs.

HENDRYK
That’s good. But… damn… I don’t like the idea of wandering
blindly around the keep, looking how to do something that we
have no idea about. We could really use a clue here.

KAPEL
If you seek an answer from the stars, there is a Bakluni fortune teller
who has set up shop on the edge of town. She might be able to tell
you something to aid you.

The mayor takes a silver coin out of his pouch and tosses it to DMA.

KAPEL
You will need this to pay her. Her predictions are
always true, but she does nothing without payment.

The adventurers look at each other a moment, and then nod, get up, and leave the room.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- EVENING

The crew are leaning forward, looking at the view screen with interest.

MICHAEL
Well, that’s a neat introduction to the adventure.
But who are these Suloise and Bakluni and
all that they keep talking about?

LANDSHARK
Damn Aussie. Didn’t you read any of the background material
for the Adventure Planet? The Suloise and Bakluni are two of
the human races here. The Suloise are basically blonde blue eyed
Master Race types, while the Bakluni are Orientals.

IRONYUPPIE
Sweetie, you’re talking too much again.
You know I don’t like that.

LANDSHARK
(gulping in fear)
Sorry, love.

INT- FORTUNE TELLER’S TENT- EVENING

The camera pans across the interior of a large luxurious tent, decorated in a pseudo-Chinese fashion. The camera stops on the tent flap, which is moved aside; the adventurers are seen walking into the room. They look around a moment, and then catch sight of something. The camera switches to their POV.

A young and very pretty Chinese woman is sitting cross legged on the ground behind a low table. She wears long silk robes of red and gold, and holds a deck of cards. She looks up as the adventurers enter the tent, and smiles at them.

WOMAN
Welcome. Do you seek wisdom from the higher powers?

The adventurers look at each other… except for HENDRYK, who is staring at the woman with wide eyes and open mouth. After an uncomfortable silence, GBW walks over and sits on the ground across the table from the woman. He takes out the silver coin and puts it on the table. The woman quickly palms it and then shuffles the cards in her hand.

WOMAN
You may ask a single question.
Choose your words carefully.

GBW thinks deeply for a moment.

GBW
Tell us how to restore the freezing magic on the Suloise keep.

The woman closes her eyes and spreads out the cards on the table, and then seems to go into a trance. The camera switches back to HENDRYK, who is still staring in shock at the fortune teller. THANDE nudges him with an elbow.

THANDE
Hey, stop staring. It’s not polite.

HENDRYK
But that… she… that’s ZHANG ZIYI!

THANDE
Who?

HENDRYK
She’s a famous Chinese actress on a lot of timelines.
I’d hoped to encounter her in this game, but I didn’t expect this.

THANDE
Oh yes, I almost forgot… the paperwork had
a question about famous women we’d prefer to meet.
I’m guessing this girl was your input.

HENDRYK
Yes. Who was yours?

THANDE
Now, that’d be telling.

HENDRYK
Bet I can guess who FLOCCULENCIO picked.

THANDE
That’s too easy… the poor love struck puppy.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey!

The camera switches back to the fortune teller. She opens her eyes and pulls out three cards from the deck, and lays them face up. The camera closes in on the cards; one of them has a triangle drawn on it, the second has a single dot, and the third has a drawing of a carrier pigeon. The woman looks at them for a long moment, and then speaks in a deep sonorous voice.

ZHANG ZIYI
When the three become one, and the one is returned,
the Ice Lords shall rule again.

She shakes her head and comes out of the trance. THANDE and DMA look at each other in bafflement.

DMA
What the hell does that mean?

GBW
It’s obvious, isn’t it?
(to fortune teller)
Thank you, lady. You have given us an important clue.

ZHANG ZIYI nods to him as he rises. The adventurers leave the tent… except for HENDRYK, who is still staring at the fortune teller with wide eyes. After a moment, DMA comes back in and drags HENDRYK out by the collar.

EXT- TORRIK- NIGHT

The camera shows the village settling down for the night. The moon is out, and the buildings are lit with fires and candles. The adventurers are seen standing outside of the tent.

DMA
What did you mean, it’s obvious? The whole thing makes no sense to me.

GBW
How more simple could it be? “When the three become one…”
Obviously, that’s referring to three pieces of something we have
to reassemble. It can’t be three people,
there’s no way for them to become one.

DMA
Well, I’ve seen some threesome porno tapes where two men take their…

GBW
No! I really doubt she was referring to anything like that!

DMA
Too bad. If more role playing games
had threesomes in them, they’d be more popular.

GBW
God, you sound like WEAPON M. Anyway… “and the one is returned…”
Obviously, once we put the device back together, we have to put it someplace
special. “the Ice Lords shall rule again.” Obviously, that means the freezing
curse will be put back. Put it all together, and it’s pretty obvious.

HENDRYK
Yes! It all makes sense. There was some kind of magical device
keeping the freezing curse in place, something came along and
moved it and took it apart. We have to find the three pieces and
put it back together, and then put it back where it belongs.
(long pause)
Damn, that’s still pretty vague.
We have no idea what we’re looking for.

THANDE
Yeah, but it’s more than we knew before.

HENDRYK
True. Okay, let’s go back to the inn and get some rest.
Tomorrow, we climb a big frozen hill and fight God knows what.
(pause)
Wonder if ZHANG ZIYI wants any company…

He wanders back to the tent, while the other adventurers look at each other in amusement.

THANDE
HENDRYK is going to get slapped again….

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- MORNING

The camera shows a bleary eyed ROB KUNTZ still seated at the computer station, looking at the monitor. DR. WHAT walks into the room, yawning. He goes over to his chair and collapses into it. He reaches underneath it and pulls out a cooler filled with snacks and beer.

DR. WHAT
Anything happen during the night?

ROB KUNTZ
No. This is your standard two day mission.
One day of background and preparation, one day
of exploring and battle. Rather like your last one.

DR. WHAT
What’s happening right now? Everyone still in bed?

ROB KUNTZ
Nope. They got up at dawn and headed up the hill.
They’re about halfway up now.

DR. WHAT
Bastards. On the ship, most of them don’t wake up until noon.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- MORNING

The crew remaining on the ship are seen reclining in their chairs, sound asleep. The view screen clearly shows the adventurers walking up the hill.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- MORNING

The crew members are seen walking through the door. They take their seats again, and look up at the view screen.

KILNGIRL
Great, more walking. Yesterday on the road, today up a hill.
When does something happen?

FAEELIN
From what the captain said, pretty much everything happens today;
all the combat, all the exploring, all of it.

KILNGIRL
Good. I’m tired of sitting here watching these bozos wandering
around, doing nothing. If I wanted to see that, I’d watch reality TV.

She pauses to feed some more popcorn to WYLDCARD4, still sitting on her shoulder. FAEELIN looks at it, shudders at the sheer ugliness of the monkey, and turns back to the view screen.

EXT- THE HILL- MORNING

The camera opens with a high shot over the adventurers, showing them walking single file through a field of snow on the side of the hill. The camera sweeps down and to the side, until the group is seen clearly as they struggle through the snow drifts. They are dressed in comfortable and warm furs, but their breath smokes in the cold air, and they are gasping for breath. The camera focuses on THANDE, who stops to look behind him. The camera switches to his POV, and we see the valley floor below, with Torrik in the center of green fields. Everything looks calm, peaceful, and warm. THANDE looks up the hill, and the camera switches to his POV again. We see the top half of the hill, with wind moaning through the stunted pine trees, melt water running down around ice-clad boulders, and on top of the hill, the keep itself. It is a grim looking fort made of black stone, with towers and battlements.

THANDE
God! Let’s go back!

GBW
There’s no going back. You heard EGG…
the adventure doesn’t stop till we win or die trying.

THANDE
What’s one more day spent in front of the fireplace in the inn?

HENDRYK
What would be the point? We’d still have to climb this damn hill.
(muttering)
I am so going to take up regular exercise if I live through this.

THANDE
Sure you are. By the way, how did it go
last night with the hot fortune teller?

HENDRYK turns and looks at THANDE rather grumpily, and we see that he has a hand shaped red mark on his cheek.

THANDE
Oh. Not well. Blimey, she really tagged you, didn’t she?

HENDRYK
Let’s just say that she has a way of letting you know that ‘no means no’.
Now, enough chat… let’s get up this damn hill.

THANDE groans and starts to walk on, but he stops as a loud sound is heard. The rest of the party hears it also, and stops.

DMA
What the hell was that?

FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t know, but everyone better get ready…
I bet it’s nasty and vicious and hungry.

The adventurers snatch out weapons and spell scrolls, and look around warily. The camera switches to DMA, who is looking around with drawn sword. Suddenly, something BIG is seen rising up behind the pine trees in the background. DMA whirls around, looks up, and his eyes go wide in astonishment. The camera switches to his POV.

The creature is a bearded giant, standing 20’ tall. It has pale skin, blonde hair, and a tremendous axe in one hand. It wears only skimpy furs, and the cold doesn’t seem to bother it at all. It grins nastily down at the party, and strides forward, brushing the trees aside with ease. The camera pulls back, and we see THANDE, HENDRYK, and FLOCCULENCIO scatter out of the path of the giant’s feet. DMA readies himself, shield out and sword raised, but GBW seems transfixed, staring up at the giant in slack jawed fear. The giant notices him and strides forward.

GBW
HOOOOOOOO….

The giant stops in front of GBW.

GBW
..LEEEEEEEEEE….

The giant raises its axe to strike down.

GBW
SHIT!!!!

DMA
Move, you damn wanker!

DMA shoves GBW to one side, and dodges in the opposite direction. The giant’s axe slams to the ground with a very loud thud. As it struggles to pull it out, DMA stabs the giant in the arm, and gets backhanded for his troubles. He staggers backwards, but recovers quickly and runs forward again. GBW recovers his poise, and takes a mighty swing with his axe… and misses. The momentum of the heavy axe drags him around in a circle, and he trips and falls on his butt in the snow. With a muttered “Damn it!” he hops back to his feet.

The camera switches to THANDE, who has a couple of glass vials out and is frantically mixing them. He finishes, and squints at the giant. GBW again swings his axe, and this time connects, chopping into one leg. The giant looks annoyed and backhands GBW, who again falls backwards and lands on his butt in the snow.

GBW
Damn it, this is hardly heroic.

He gets back onto his feet. Behind the giant, HENDRYK is frantically reading from a scroll. Chanting a phrase of seeming gibberish, he points at the giant. Six flaming shuriken shapes fly out of his finger and slam into the giant’s back; it grunts in pain, but seems hardly to notice otherwise. THANDE poises his arm to throw the vial, pauses a moment, and then tosses it. It spins in the air and dumps its liquid contents on the giant’s chest… and the liquid bursts into flame. The giant looks down angrily and tries to beat out the flames with its hands, but the flames only spread to them as well. The giant roars in pain and anger.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The amplified roar of the giant reverberates from the speakers. The snoozing crew members wake in a jolt, with various reactions.

MICHAEL
I didn’t do it!

LANDSHARK
No, don’t kill me, YUPPIE!

LUAKEL
The dog ate my homework!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, wait, where did ALYSON go?
It was just a dream? NOOOO!!!!!

OTHNIEL
The hamsters are sitting on my head!

The crew members wake up fully and shake their heads. Looking around, they see the battle on the view screen. Staring wide eyed for a moment, most of them simultaneously say, “Holy shit!”

EXT- THE HILL- DAY

The camera opens on a shot of the giant still trying to put out the flames, and then switches to a shot of HENDRYK and FLOCCULENCIO behind it.

HENDRYK
Damn it, FLOCC, can’t you backstab it or something?

FLOCCULENCIO takes a look up at the giant towering far above him.

FLOCCULENCIO
Are you kidding?! I can’t even reach its butt, much
less its back! I could stab in the leg maybe…

FLOCCULENCIO pauses, and then darts forward. He slices his saber across the giant’s Achilles tendon. At the same time, GBW chops the tendon on the other leg. The giant, suddenly unable to stand, topples forward, landing on its hands. DMA howls and swings his sword down hard on the giant’s neck. The sword severs the spine. The giant drops into the snow, instantly slain.

The adventurers stare at each other for a moment, gasping for breath. Then, they start cheering (rather breathlessly) and waving their weapons in the air.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

ROB KUNTZ is seen leaning back in his chair; the monitor over his station shows the party standing over the fallen giant. He turns around with a grin to DR. WHAT.

ROB KUNTZ
Hey, they did rather well…

He stops and looks surprised, and the camera switches to his POV. DR. WHAT is sitting upright in his chair, wide eyed. One hand holds a completely crushed can of beer.

ROB KUNTZ
A bit worried, were you?

DR. WHAT
A. God. Damn. Giant?! You sent a giant after my guys?!
Holy Hannah, and good God almighty!
They could have been killed!

ROB KUNTZ
A giant, yeah, but it was pretty slow.
They handled it pretty easily,
and no one got hurt.

DR. WHAT
True. But it’s only going to get worse from here, isn’t it?

ROB KUNTZ
Of course. If it got easier, that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

He turns back around to face the monitor while DR. WHAT groans and leans back in his chair.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Everyone is looking at the monitor with wide eyes.

LUAKEL
Did… did our guys just take down a giant?!

LANDSHARK
It… looks like it.

LUAKEL
And… did THANDE actually help do it?

OTHNIEL
Hard to believe, but yes.

The all look at each other a moment, and then all jump up and down, cheering and high fiving each other.

MATT
Hoo rah! The bigger they are….

LANDSHARK
…the more treasure they have!

MATT
What? No! It’s ‘the bigger they are, the harder they fall’,
geez, don’t you know anything, you British…

GREY WOLF
Enough! This is only the first encounter…
you can bet there’s worse to come.

With that, everyone quiets and sits back down.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- DAY

The crewmen here are seen laughing and pointing at the screen.

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
Oh, that was sweet! Did you see that giant slap them
around like they were bothersome flies?!

KILNGIRL
What are you all so happy about? They’re still alive.

FAEELIN
For now. That’ll change.

KILNGIRL looks puzzled and annoyed as the others eagerly lean forward, looking at the view screen.

EXT- THE HILL- DAY

The party members are seen looking over the dead giant, while FLOCCULENCIO is searching through the pouches hanging on its belt.

FLOCCULENCIO
Nothing. Just our luck, we run into the poorest giant
in the world here. Not even a copper coin.

HENDRYK
Actually, what good would money do us here,
we’re leaving when the adventure’s over.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, it’s just the principle of the thing. Oh, by the way,
THANDE, what was that stuff you tossed on the giant that caught fire?

THANDE
Just some sodium and other chemicals in the right mix.
Told you I will be useful here.

FLOCCULENCIO
That you were. I take back some of the nasty things I said about you.

THANDE
Only some?!

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, you still are responsible for that ‘accidental’ release
of radioactive chloroform that make WEAPON M think he
was Mother Teresa for a week… plus, you still peek on KEIRA
when she’s in the shower.

THANDE
So do you!

FLOCCULENCIO
I do not!

THANDE
Okay, but you did watch the tape I made of it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn it, that was supposed to be a secret…

HENDRYK and GBW groan in annoyance.

GBW
Come on, you idiots. We still have to climb the rest of this hill.

With a collective sigh, the party turns and trudges on up the hill.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT
Hey, when you make your final tape on this, can you edit
out that last part there? DAVE HOWERY wanted to see this,
and I’d rather he didn’t know about that whole shower peeking thing.

ROB KUNTZ
Certainly.
(pause)
So, have you seen that tape?

DR. WHAT
Of course.

ROB KUNTZ
Can I buy a copy of it?

DR. WHAT
You mean, betray my Engineering Chief and
humiliate his lover, all for a little money?
(pause)
Talk to me later.

EXT- OUTSIDE THE KEEP- DAY

The camera opens on a high angle shot of the front of the keep, a menacing structure of black walls and towers. The camera pans down to the front door. The party members are seen there. The camera moves in on FLOCCULENCIO, who is working on the door lock with a set of picks.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn it, something’s funny with this door.
I’ve picked the lock three times, but it keeps
relocking itself before I can push the door open.
I think there’s magic here.

GBW
(hefts axe)
So, chop it down?

THANDE
That’d take all day. Let me do it.

He takes out a vial of liquid, looks at it, and then pours it into the door jamb, right over the lock. Steam and smoke rise up, along with a hissing sound. After a moment, a loud metallic clank is heard. THANDE turns around, a smug look on his face.

THANDE
There, a little acid will always…

His voice trails off as he looks in surprise at something off camera. Seeing that, the other party members turn around, and the camera switches to their POV.

Five people are standing there, looking at the party with blank expressions. One is cloaked and hooded, but the rest are all men with black hair and pale skin. They wear nothing but short dirty togas, and carry tomahawks. They seem to not be bothered by the cold at all, and their breath is not smoking in the freezing temperatures. The camera switches back to the party, who are standing ready.

HENDRYK
And just who are these guys?

DMA
Any chance that they are
friendly and helpful passersby
who will be glad to aid us
in our quest?

GBW
Sure, there’s a chance… a pretty damn small one though.

DMA
Thought so. Now what?

Before anyone can answer, the cloaked person throws aside the cloak and hood. It is a tall woman with black hair and pale skin like the others. She holds a staff with brass caps on both ends. The camera switches to THANDE, who is looking at her wide eyed.

THANDE
Oh boy, it’s DIANA RIGG! She’s mine!

He steps forward eagerly, dodging FLOCCULENCIO, who tries to stop him. DIANA RIGG smiles and raises a hand. Pointing a finger at THANDE, she mutters something unintelligible, and four Magic Missiles shoot out of her finger and strike THANDE, slamming him back against the door.

THANDE
(very low voice)
Ouchie.

He falls forward to the ground. The four men howl and charge with their tomahawks raised. DIANA RIGG points her finger at DMA, but HENDRYK moves faster. He points at DIANA RIGG and shouts a short gibberish phrase. A beam of grey light shoots out of his finger and strikes the woman. She stiffens, drops the staff, and then just vanishes in a puff of dust. HENDRYK looks on in a mix of horror and elation.

Two of the men strike at DMA, who hastily raises his shield; the two tomahawks crash into it. Another man takes a wild swing at GBW, who manages to stumble out of the way. The man is thrown off balance, and GBW, with a yell, swings his own weapon. The heavy axe catches the man at the base of the neck and chops down into the torso, dropping him at once. GBW pulls his axe free, and then looks down in curiosity. The blood pouring from the man’s neck into the snow is pale blue, not red.

The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who is dueling with the fourth man. The man makes a hard swing onto the blocking saber; the edge of the blade chops the handle of the tomahawk in half. As the man looks stunned at the stub left in his hand, FLOCCULENCIO runs him through the chest. The man drops, slain. FLOCCULENCIO whirls towards DMA, but he is doing well on his own. One of the two attackers lies dead on the ground, and DMA dodges a blow from the tomahawk and stabs the other man in the heart. The party members all look around wildly as the man drops, but there are no more enemies. All of them gasp for breath for a moment. GBW moves over to THANDE, and looks him over. DMA and FLOCCULENCIO look at HENDRYK with a bit of awe.

DMA
Good God, HENDRYK, what did you do to that crazy witch?

HENDRYK
Disintegrate spell. She must have rolled a 1 on her saving throw.

GBW rolls THANDE onto his back, and then mutters a soft incantation while putting a hand on his head. After a moment, THANDE stirs into life; he suddenly opens his eyes and sits up.

THANDE
I’m hungry.

He stares blankly for a moment, and then runs his hands over his chest.

THANDE
Hey! I’m not full of holes! Thanks!

He stands up and looks around at the carnage.

THANDE
Where’s DIANA?

DMA
She, uh, ran away.

THANDE
Aw! Damn it, no one said that when we put down our
celebrity dream girl on the application that they could
turn up as enemies. I thought we were all going to get
to do the wild thing with them! But no, HENDRYK
fails to score, and mine was a bad guy… er, uh, girl.

GBW
Yeah, but HENDRYK pretty much always fails
to score, can’t blame the game for that.

HENDRYK
(outraged)
Hey! I do not always fail! Only most of the time!

FLOCCULENCIO is going through the clothing of the dead men, but finds nothing. He pauses to look at the blue blood ebbing out of their wounds.

FLOCCULENCIO
What do you suppose these people are?
Why is their blood so funky looking?

He dips one finger into a pool of blood, rolls it between his finger tips, and then sniffs it.

FLOCCULENCIO
It smells like… antifreeze!

GBW
Makes sense. These guys are running around with hardly
any clothes on in melting snow and ice. They’d have to
have antifreeze for blood to survive.
How about we call them Ice Men?

FLOCCULENCIO
Sounds good to me. But they’re as poor as that giant,
nothing on any of them… except…

He walks over to the staff dropped by DIANA RIGG and picks it up. After looking it over, he holds it out to GBW.

FLOCCULENCIO [/B
Have a look.

GBW takes it and looks at it carefully. The camera switches to a close up view of one of the brass end caps, and then the other. Both are threaded.

GBW
(grins)
I think we just found the first piece of our mysterious artifact.

HENDRYK
So, hopefully, the other two pieces
re inside, and then we screw them
onto the staff, and then put the
assembled piece… somewhere.
Right?

GBW
That’s what it looks like to me.
But you can bet that it won’t be easy.

THANDE
Is there anything good in life that is easy?

DMA
Hot women?

GBW
Easy hot women… now there’s a fantasy for you.

HENDRYK
Enough, people. We got places to go, people to kill,
and a magical gizmo to assemble.

The party members all ready themselves. DMA puts his shoulder to the door, and pushes on it; after a moment, it opens with a loud creak. GBW takes a torch out of his pack and lights it. The party then steps through the doorway, and enters the keep.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

ROB KUNTZ leans back in his chair.

ROB KUNTZ
For amateurs, they’re doing pretty well.

DR. WHAT
Yeah. It’s nerve wracking to watch, but they look like they’re having fun anyway.

A red light suddenly begins blinking on the computer console. ROB KUNTZ looks at it in surprise, and types in a command. Text scrolls on a small monitor.

ROB KUNTZ
Damn it! The computer is saying that something in the game is corrupted,
but it won’t tell me what it is. I just set up the game system for the interior
of the keep, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I didn’t know better,
I’d swear that someone has tampered with the computers.

DR. WHAT
(deep thought)
Hmmm… it could be nothing. But…

He takes a communicator out of his pocket.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is seen relaxing in their chairs, still watching the game on the view screen. A loud beeping is suddenly heard at KIT’S station. He pushes a button, and DR. WHAT is heard on the intercom.

DR. WHAT
Sorry to interrupt your fun, but I need some real work done.
I think we might have some uninvited guests. Launch a recon
satellite and have it make passes around the planet, and look
for another ship in orbit. Set it for visual scanning; if anyone
is really there, I think they’re jamming all radar and such.

KIT
Right away, DOC.

KIT pushes several more buttons, and then goes back to his chair.

EXT- SPACE

The camera shows a view of the AH.COM in orbit over the planet. A tiny puff of exhaust is seen as the recon satellite is launched. It appears as a tiny dot of light that moves around the planet out of sight.

INT- KEEP ENTRY HALL- DAY

The camera opens with a shot of the doorway. The party is seen entering. They look around a moment. GBW puts his torch into a handy sconce on the wall.

The camera switches to a wide shot of the room. It is barely lit by the torch, but is seen as a long and narrow room, with a door on each wall. The bodies of five more ice men are seen on the floor, along with that of a tremendous white bear. Two columns of ice are seen on opposite sides of the room; both are slowly melting, and vague shapes can be seen in them. There was a third column of ice in the center of the room, but it has been shattered; pieces of ice are scattered over the floor.

DMA
Well, what do you suppose happened here?

GBW
These ice men were wandering around in here, probably
looking for loot, and ran across the bear. The bear looks
like it was damn near hacked to pieces.

HENDRYK
Speaking of loot… think they got anything useful on them?

The group takes a moment to rummage through the clothing on the corpses. Most find nothing of interest, but DMA pulls a short brass cone out of one pouch. He looks it over and sees that the wide end of the cone is threaded.

DMA
Bingo!

He tosses the cone to GBW, who sets to the end of the staff; the threads match up perfectly. He slowly twists the cone, threading it onto the staff.

GBW
Hey! It fits!

With a final loud snap, the cone is screwed all the way on the staff. At the same instant, a loud shattering sound is heard, and the party members all whirl around. The two columns of ice in the room have collapsed, revealing two figures that had been inside of them. One looks to be slender and feminine, but the other is huge and covered with shaggy hair; it is a white ape with fangs, and carrying a club made from a femur bone. With a roar of anger, it leaps forward at the party, who scatter like mice.

HENDRYK
GBW!! What the hell did you do?!

GBW
Hey! It wasn’t my fault!!

DMA and GBW charge towards the ape, while HENDRYK frantically looks through his scrolls and THANDE simply stays out of the way. After a moment, HENDRYK points a finger, shouts a phrase of gibberish, and a bolt of fire shoots out of his finger. It slams into the ape, which grunts in pain but keeps advancing.

The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who has his saber out and looking for a chance to strike. A slender hand touches his shoulder, and he whirls around in a panic. He’s facing what was in the other column of ice… another copy of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. This version has long tousled hair, pale skin, very red lips, and wears a long diaphanous gown that leaves little to the imagination. All in all, a figure of beauty.

Except for the horns on her head. And the fangs in her mouth. And the great pair of black bat wings on her shoulders.

FLOCCULENCIO seems to notice none of these flaws, staring up at her in slack jawed awe. He drops his saber on the floor as he reaches out to her; she smiles invitingly at him. The two embrace and are about to kiss when a loud voice is heard off camera.

HENDRYK (off camera)
FLOCC! No!!

Distracted, FLOCCULENCIO looks around and sees that the others have taken down the ape; it lies bloody on the floor. DMA grabs FLOCCULENCIO by the shoulder and yanks him out of KEIRA’S arms. She hisses in anger and leaps up into the air, hovering high in the room, out of reach. FLOCCULENCIO struggles to break free.

FLOCCULENCIO
Let me go! It’s KEIRA! I want to kiss her and
hold her and make sweet sweet miscegenation love to her!!

HENDRYK
She’s a damn succubus!
Didn’t you see the horns on her head?

FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t care!

HENDRYK
Didn’t you see the wings on her back?

FLOCCULENCIO
So what?! Angels have wings on their backs too!
Lemme go!

HENDRYK
Don’t you know that every time she kisses you, she’ll suck some
of the life force right out of you, until you die?

FLOCCULENCIO stops struggling.

FLOCCULENCIO
So… it’s like being married then? But she’s so cute…

He looks wistfully up at her. KEIRA runs her hands enticingly down her dress and looks at him with lustful eyes. FLOCCULENCIO starts jumping in the air, trying to grab hold of her foot.

FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t care! I want her!

GBW
(muttering)
Oh for the love of…

GBW steps forward and glares up at the demon. He takes hold of his holy symbol and holds it high.

GBW
BEGONE, DEMON!!

The holy symbol glows brightly, but KEIRA only smirks and sticks her tongue out at him. She stretches languidly, blows a kiss to FLOCCULENCIO, and vanishes with a pop.

FLOCCULENCIO
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! It’s not fair! I want to hold her and
stroke her hair and lay her gently down on the grass and…

HENDRYK
Actually, all a succubus will do is kiss you.
No other hanky panky.

FLOCCULENCIO
Really? So, I couldn’t even get to second base with her?

HENDRYK
Sorry, no.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh. Well, bugger. I guess it’s back to
peeking at KEIRA in the shower then.

GBW
Okay, if we’re through here, we need to
head on to the next room.

He points to a doorway on the far wall. The party dusts themselves off and walk in that direction.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT looks at ROB KUNTZ with mild disapproval.

DR. WHAT
You made KEIRA a succubus? That was a bit cruel.

ROB KUNTZ
Yeah… EGG’S orders. He didn’t want any of you stealing
another of our girls, and wanted to make sure you had no temptation to do so.

DR. WHAT
So… all the girls in this game will be, uh, non-romantic,
so far as the party is concerned?

ROB KUNTZ
I’m afraid so.

DR. WHAT
(shrugs)
Sucks to be them.

INT- THE KEEP- COMMON ROOM- DAY

The camera opens on a shot of the party cautiously walking through the doorway and looking around. The camera switches views and pans across the room. This room has a large fireplace on the opposite wall, and several chairs and cushions scattered around, now all moldering and collapsed. The remains of four more ice men are scattered around the floor, along with the body of a blond man in plate armor and holding a sword. Another ice man is in a corner of the room, impaled on an iron stake that seemingly sprung out of the floor. There is a pile of ice that was obviously once a column that was shattered.

DMA
Once again, these buggers beat us here. And apparently
did something to bust this guy out of the ice column.
Damn, he took four of them with him… he must have
been hell on wheels as a fighter.

HENDRYK
Spread out and look around, guys. Let’s hope the
final piece of this magic dohickey is in here.

THANDE
Any idea what it’ll look like?

GBW
I bet it’ll be something brass like the rest of it.
And it’ll have screw threads on it.

The party splits up and looks around the room, going through the clothing of the dead men on the floor, but they find nothing. THANDE looks curiously at the ice man impaled on the iron stake. The man hangs face down, impaled through the chest. He has a lantern tied to one wrist, but nothing else of interest. THANDE picks up the lantern and looks eagerly at it, but it is blackened and flecked with rust, obviously iron. With a shrug, he ties it to his belt. Looking around, he sees a small chest in the corner by the stake, open and empty.

THANDE
Hey, it looks like this guy set off a trap while opening that chest.
Looks like whatever was in there, it’s gone now.

GBW
He was the torch bearer… okay, lantern bearer… and
they made him open the chest, huh? Probably hoping
he would set off any traps, and sure enough, there was one.
Nasty people, aren’t they?

HENDRYK
Yes, and you can bet that the final piece of our magic thingee here
was in the chest. So someone else has it now. Well… onto the
next room. And it’s a good guess that our missing piece is in there,
along with something nasty and big to guard it.

The party prepares themselves for combat. GBW tosses the staff to THANDE and hefts his axe with both hands, DMA loosens his sword in his sheath, and HENDRYK takes out his scrolls. They then move towards a doorway on the far wall.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is watching the screen intently, on the edge of their seats.

INT- CF.NET BRIDGE- DAY

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS leans forward, looking at the screen eagerly.

ROMULUS AUGUSTUS
Here it comes!

FAEELIN
Oh yeah! Watch this, new girl, it’ll be fun!

KILNGIRL looks at them a bit disdainfully, but turns back to the screen.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT and ROB KUNTZ are watching the monitor closely, as the party members are seen walking through the doorway.

ROB KUNTZ
Okay, this is the last room coming up, and there’s
a hell of a tough guardian in there. But they missed
something, and if they don’t figure it out soon,
I’m going to have to…

He stops as an alarm goes off on his console, and a red light flashes continually. ROB KUNTZ looks puzzled and types in several commands… and then beats his hand on the desk in frustration.

ROB KUNTZ
Damn it! Something in the game is corrupted in this room,
and I can’t fix it! Some one has definitely tampered with
the computers here! I wonder just what…

He types in several commands as DR. WHAT, now standing, looks on anxiously.

ROB KUNTZ
Oh my God! There’s… two of them!

INT- THE KEEP- THRONE ROOM- DAY
The party members are seen walking into the room, looking about very warily. The camera pans about the room. There are two huge thrones covered with furs set against one wall. A frozen desiccated corpse sits on each throne. A pair of ice columns stand in the center of the room; vague shapes can be seen inside of them. The group looks at them suspiciously as they walk into the room.

GBW
Here we go again. What do you suppose are inside these two?

THANDE
Something big and hairy and hungry, I’d guess.

DMA
Your mother?

THANDE
Hey!

DMA
Sorry, that was rude of me. I meant to say ‘your sister.’

THANDE
HEY!!

HENDRYK
Enough with the insults already. Stay alert, guys.
You can bet that something we do in here is going
to shatter those columns and release something nasty to attack us.

GBW
I wonder…

He makes a short swing with his axe against one of the columns, but with a loud ringing sound, the axe rebounds without even scratching the ice.

HENDRYK
Figures. That’d be too easy. Okay, spread out
and look around for the final piece.

The group wanders around the room. THANDE stops in front of the throne to look at the two corpses on the thrones. Both look as if they died of cold, and are obviously very old, but preserved somewhat by the cold.

THANDE
Oh my. The curse on this place froze everyone else into those ice columns,
but these two look like they were stuck here and froze to death.
That was a nasty piece of…

He stops as he catches sight of something. He drops to his knees and looks at the floor between the thrones.

THANDE
Guys! Look at this!

The rest walk over there, and see THANDE brushing frost away from a hole set into the stone floor. The hole is cone shaped and lined with brass. THANDE looks at the brass cone on the end of the staff and compares it by eye with the hole in the floor.

THANDE
It’ll fit there! This is where it goes!

HENDRYK
Okay, now we know where ‘the One is returned’, but
we still have to find the final piece. Look around some more.

The group looks around the thrones. DMA looks closely at one of the corpses on the thrones. It has its hands in its lap, folded around something. With a disgusted look and a muttered, ‘Ick!’, he moves the hands, and exposes a shiny brass pyramid on the corpse’s lap.

DMA
I found it!

Everyone turns to look, and FLOCCULENCIO’S eyes go wide with sudden understanding.

FLOCCULENCIO
No! Wait!

Too late. DMA picks up the brass pyramid, but it crumbles in his hand.

DMA
What the hell… it was made of old plaster and paint!

FLOCCULENCIO
TRAP!!

With a shattering roar, the two columns of ice crumble, and the party whirls, ready to face whatever is inside. But, worse than any fantasy monster, it is WARD and GRIMM REAPER standing there, wearing black mage robes and brushing ice off their shoulders. The AH.COM people goggle at them a moment, and then move to attack… but WARD is faster than all of them.

With a quick chanted phrase, a bolt of lightning flares out of his hand and strikes DMA; it then arcs to GBW, HENDRYK, and FLOCCULENCIO. It barely misses THANDE when he squeaks in fear and drops prone between the two thrones; the bolt passes overhead. The four stricken party members jerk and twitch as the electricity hits them. GBW and DMA, in their metal armor, are hit particularly hard. When the bolt vanishes, the two drop to the floor, twitching. HENDRYK and FLOCCULENCIO groan with pain, but stay conscious. HENDRYK struggles to his feet, but GRIMM REAPER makes a punching motion in the air, and a huge disembodied fist slams HENDRYK into the wall; his eyes roll back, and he falls limply to the ground.

GRIMM REAPER
You were right, boss. This is fun!

WARD
You bet your ass it is! And we’re just getting started!

WARD turns as FLOCCULENCIO struggles to his feet, saber in hand. WARD casts another spell that fires a glob of acid. It strikes FLOCCULENCIO in the hand, and he drops his saber and howls in pain as his fingers smoke and burn. GRIMM REAPER casts a spell that fires a long icicle; he strikes FLOCCULENCIO’S other hand, piercing it through. FLOCCULENCIO sinks to his knees in pain, gritting his teeth. WARD steps over towards him.

WARD
I remember you! You’re the little bastard who stabbed me
in the back in the last game. Well, this time, you really
stepped in it. We’re going to kill you real slow. And then
all your buddies here. And when we’re done, we’re going
to burn you all to ashes. Even Adventure Planet ‘magic’
won’t let you recover from that! When we finish with you,
you’re going to be dead for good. And then we’re going to
go back to our ship and blow the
goddamn AH.COM up for once and for all.

GRIMM REAPER
And the best thing is, no one can interfere with us!
By their own rules, EGG and his lackeys can’t stop the game!
Hee hee!

WARD
Damn it, GRIMM, stop butting in when I’m in my ‘evil speech’
mode, you’re ruining the whole affect.

GRIMM REAPER
Oops, sorry, Boss. Hey, we’re missing some one.

WARD
That idiot chemist? We can get him later, he’s puny and worthless.

The camera switches to THANDE, lying on the floor, clutching the staff to his chest, and listening in wide-eyed horror to WARD’S plans. He looks around frantically, and then winces as something pokes him in the side. He looks down to see the lantern still tied to his belt. Irritably, he moves it… and then pauses, looks at it, and unties it from his belt. He looks at the bottom of it, and sees a threaded hole there. He scrapes the lantern lightly on the floor, and looks at it again. Bright brass shows through where he scraped it; the dull black and rust are fake, painted on to hide the brass.

THANDE
(muttering)
Those tricky bastards!

He awkwardly maneuvers himself around so he can screw the lantern onto the staff. As he gives it a final twist, the lantern lights itself with a soft ‘puff.’

THANDE
That’s it!

The camera switches to a wide view of the room. THANDE is seen hopping up between the thrones, complete staff in hand.

THANDE
Live and die by the rules, asshats!!

WARD and GRIMM REAPER spin around as he yells, and raise their hands to cast spells… but THANDE slams the cone end of the staff down into the hole in the ground. A blast of light from the lantern washes out the scene for a moment. When it fades, we see THANDE rubbing his eyes and looking out in astonishment.

WARD and GRIMM REAPER are standing motionless, frozen in place. Ice is beginning to form on them. The air in the room is noticeably colder. THANDE looks around and sees FLOCCULENCIO still on his knees, about to keel over from the pain.

THANDE
FLOCC! Didja see me?! I did it! I found the final piece!
I put the magical whatzit back in place and froze the bad guys!
Didja see it? Huh?

FLOCCULENCIO
(through gritted teeth)
Yeah… that’s… great… THANDE… you’re… a… real… hero.

He passes out, hitting the floor with a low thud. THANDE looks around and realizes that he is the only one standing, and the room is getting much colder.

THANDE
Oh blimey. What do I do what do I do what do I do…

As he rubs his hands together in cold and anxiety, a voice is heard from the ceiling.

VOICE
Congratulations, adventurers! You have successfully completed your quest.
Please stand by for experience awards.

The adventurers, WARD, and GRIMM REAPER all vanish.

INT- ADVENTURE PLANET CONTROL CENTER- DAY

The camera pans across the large room, and stops on an open area in the middle of it. The AH.COM party members all suddenly pop into view, now hale and healthy, all signs of wounds gone. Moments later, WARD and GRIMM REAPER appear too. The two groups look at each other a moment, and then both move towards each other, anger in their faces. But a pair of huge ogres suddenly pop into view and each puts a large hand around the throats of the two CF.NET crew men… not hard enough to choke, although it’s obvious that they could crush their necks with little effort. The two men don’t even try to resist, and the AH.COM people stop in their tracks. A door opens, and DR. WHAT, EGG, ROB KUNTZ, and DAVE ARNESON walk in; EGG looks very angry.

EGG
I thought I made it clear last time that you were
not to come here again. And now, here you are,
disrupting a game.

ROB KUNTZ
As if that wasn’t bad enough, they cracked into our computers
somehow to insert themselves into the game as arch-mages.

DR. WHAT
And also to hide their ship from your satellites,
I’m guessing. Found it anyway.

He grins and holds up a photo taken by the recon satellite launched earlier.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, that was a pretty good trick, but once we located you visually,
it was easy enough to link a satellite to your ship and track it.

EGG
And in spite of everything, your group still managed
to beat the adventure. Not bad at all.
(to WARD)
So… care to tell me how you got through out computer security?

WARD
Do your worst. I won’t talk.

DAVE ARNESON
Don’t worry, EGG, I’ll start an investigation immediately.
I’ll found out just how they managed to do it…

WARD
Oh, knock it off, ARNESON. We paid you
in gold six months ago to fix the game for us.

The room goes quiet as everyone else turns in shock to stare at DAVE ARNESON, who goes deathly pale.

EGG
(shakes head sadly)
Is that true, DAVE?

DAVE ARNESON
(suddenly angry)
Well, what do you think?! I designed and built most
of the gaming stuff on this planet, and you get all the
fame and credit for it, and I get no credit at all, and…

EGG
Enough of this!

He takes a remote control device out of his pocket.

EGG
I’m sorry, but I can’t tolerate such actions.
I’m terminating your employment.

DAVE ARNESON shakes in fear, and starts to run, but a huge creature suddenly appears next to him. It is a monstrous insectoid demon with four arms and a wide froglike mouth. It grabs DAVE with all four arms, opens its mouth impossibly wide, and stuffs the man whole into its mouth. The four arms shove ARNESON down into the throat, and the last we see of him is his feet kicking feebly as he is swallowed. The demon gives out a loud satisfied belch and then vanishes.

The camera switches to the CF.NET men. WARD looks on in interest, while GRIMM REAPER looks utterly afraid. EGG turns to them.

EGG
Now, gentlemen, I’m sending you back to your ship.
I really mean it when I say, don’t come back.

WARD
(slight sneer)
If we do, are you going to do the same thing to us?

EGG
No… something worse.

GRIMM REAPER moans in fear, but WARD looks at EGG with something close to respect, and just nods. EGG pushes a button and the two men disappear.
The camera switches to ROB KUNTZ and GBW. The latter looks a bit green.

GBW
Dude, how can you stand to work here, when the
punishment is something like that?

ROB KUNTZ
Hey, DAVE should have known better. I don’t break the rules.
Besides, you wouldn’t believe how good the benefits here are.
Full eye and dental, and a 401K that’s a sheer dream.

GBW
Wow.
(pause)
Can I apply for a job here?

ROB KUNTZ
You have to have six good references. And you
can’t use your fellow crewmembers for references.

GBW
Never mind.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

We see G BONE sitting at the controls, pushing the control lever to the top. The hum of the teleporter is heard off camera. G BONE looks that way, stares for a moment, and then howls in pain.

G BONE
Forks! Gimme forks!

DR. WHAT (off camera)
Now, don’t act that way. It’s a new policy that EGG put in, just for us.

G BONE
But… but… you’re all naked!!

DR. WHAT (off camera)
Well, apparently, when DAVE stole KEIRA, he also stole a bag of gold…
hey, would you point that somewhere else?!

GBW (off camera)
Sorry dude.

DR. WHAT (off camera)
Anyway, DAVE also stole the bow and arrows from his game,
and EGG wanted to make sure that none of us could take anything…
hey, would you stop poking me with that?!

FLOCCULENCIO (off camera)
Sorry dude.

DR. WHAT (off camera)
So, yes, we all got sent back naked… which, you must admit,
was a pretty good solution, from EGG’S point of view. Now…
we’re all going to quarters to dress. Page LANDSHARK and
have him plot a course to go by that vacation planet.
We need to pick up DAVE.

EXT- CANCUN- DAY

The camera pans slowly across the ocean front that we saw in the teaser. Now, the place is a wreck. The hotels have been bombed and burned to ruin. On the sand, the wrecked remains of an ATAT walker is seen, surrounded by dozens of dead white clad Imperial stormtroopers. After a moment, a pair of mechs are seen walking into view. They have Gatling gun cannons for arms, and are looking around warily. The camera pans out to sea, and the Executor is out there, crashed point down into the sea bed far offshore, the engines sticking up uselessly into the sky. The camera pans around to the beach, and DAVE HOWERY is seen. He has one of his chainsaws in hand, and is pointing it at a skinny youth sitting on the ground, crying. KEIRA stands behind him, looking at something in her hand that looks like half a flashlight. The youth on the ground is wearing black clothing, and holding what also looks like half a flashlight in his hand.

YOUTH
You… you… you cut my light saber in half!

DAVE HOWERY
You’re lucky I didn’t cut your damn head off! Do you know
how rarely I get a vacation?! Thanks to you and your fellow
Star Wars geeks, I had to spend it building mechs and fighting you.
Do you know how hard it is to get robotics parts and explosives
on a damn vacation planet?!

YOUTH
But… but… I’m a dark lord of the Sith!
You can’t just defeat me like that!

DAVE HOWERY
You’re not a Sith lord, you’re just a skinny damn kid. Still…

He reaches down and pulls the light saber half from his hands. The youth howls in protest until DAVE puts a foot on his chest and shoves him back down. He looks at the handle in interest.

DAVE HOWERY
Building a real working light saber is pretty impressive.
Wonder if I can fix it…

YOUTH
No! You can’t take my light saber!
I’ll use my dark mind powers on you!

DAVE HOWERY
(absentmindedly)
Sure, you do that…

A beeping sound is heard at his belt. DAVE HOWERY takes out a communicator and turns it on. DR. WHAT is heard on it.

DR. WHAT
Hi DAVE! All rested up and ready to go?

DAVE HOWERY
Well… not exactly. But yes, bring us onboard.

DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA shimmer out of view. The youth squawks in anger.

YOUTH
NOOOOO!!! My light saber!! It’s not fair, not fair, not…

He stops as several people come into view. They look like vacationers, but are dirty, tired, and carrying a variety of clubs and guns. They are looking down at the ‘Sith lord’ with murderous expressions.

YOUTH
Uh oh.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Filed under: Series No Comments
2Apr/121

4×05 – Temps

TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- DAY

The camera shows DR. WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK sitting around a table with accounting books open all around it. They look unhappy.

DR. WHAT
Good God… how could this have happened?

GREY WOLF
It just snuck up on us. We haven’t been going over
these often enough. We should have caught it weeks ago.

LANDSHARK
Hey, we’re supposed to hold these reviews every Thursday.
Why haven’t you been scheduling them, oh high and mighty captain?

DR. WHAT
Well, if you recall, last Thursday, you were being held captive by those
sentient possums on timeline 45772, and the rest of us had to go in and rescue you.

LANDSHARK
Yes, but…

GREY WOLF
And the whole week before that, you and IRONYUPPIE
were drinking and whoring on that timeline where the
Greek gods are still worshipped, and it was the feast of Dionysis.

LANDSHARK
Yes, but…

DR. WHAT
And the week before that, you begged out of the
meeting because IRONYUPPIE made you wear
that Alice in Wonderland costume and…

LANDSHARK
All right, all right! I get it. Things came up. But
that doesn’t change the fact that we’re broke. No
matter how you look at it, the ship’s treasury fund
is empty. How did it happen?

DR. WHAT
(pulls a book over to him)
Let’s go over it again… income for last month…
$420 for that slave rescue on timeline 9983.2.

GREY WOLF
I thought they were only paying us $100 for that.

LANDSHARK
They were… when MATT found that out,
he turned around and sold the slaves to that
Roman Imperium timeline we ran into last year.

DR. WHAT
I see. Okay… here’s one for $178
for… fishing? What the hell…

GREY WOLF
Uh… that’s actually DAVE HOWERY’S scheme…
he uses LUAKEL for bait to attract pedophiles into
dark alleys and then robs them.

DR. WHAT
What?! I can’t believe DAVE would do that!
Turn the money over, I mean…

GREY WOLF
He didn’t want to, but LUAKEL spilled
the beans, and I ordered him to do it.

DR. WHAT
You gave an order and it was obeyed?!
How’d you manage to do that?

GREY WOLF
I appealed to his sense of generosity and fair play.
And I made sure I did it in front of KEIRA. Naturally,
he didn’t want to look like a miser in front of her.

DR. WHAT
I see. And… damn. That was all the income we had last month?

LANDSHARK
Yes. And we had all the normal expenses incurred…
maintenance, spare parts and supplies, posting bail
for half the crew after shore leave… I enjoy being
on this ship and exploring the timelines, but running
an MES is an expensive business. And now, we’re broke.

DR. WHAT
Any chances of picking up some
freighter business on this timeline?

GREY WOLF
I looked into that, but this timeline seems to have all
the freighter business tied up with a small group of guilds.
We can’t break into the racket.

DR .WHAT
All right then. We’re going to have to be very careful.
Let’s baby our equipment as much as possible and shift
out of here to some other timeline where we can pick up
some business. So long as we don’t have any major malfunctions….

A loud BOOM is heard off camera, and the scene shakes. As the three officers look around in puzzlement, DAVE HOWERY is heard on the intercom.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh, Captain, we have a problem here. PSYCHOMELTDOWN
just shorted out the shift engines.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(also heard on the intercom, in the background)
Hey! You’re the one who was testing them!

DAVE HOWERY
Well, you might have told me that you had removed all the oil
before I did! Why do you need so much lubricant anyway?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(long pause)
Never mind.

DAVE HOWERY
Anyway, Doc, I’m going to need a hell of a lot of money from
the ship’s funds to replace the central drive shaft on the engines.

DR. WHAT puts his head in his hands and groans.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

 

 

 

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“TEMPS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The entire crew is gathered in here, all facing DR. WHAT.

DR. WHAT
And that’s the situation, people. We’re stuck here and we’re broke.
There’s no chance of getting a shipping job here. So, there’s only
one solution… most of you are going to go down to the planet and
take temporary jobs until we have the cash we need to make repairs.

The crew erupts in protests and angry shouts.

KIT
Engage in manual labor like a common peasant?!
I’m much too pretty to do that!

MICHAEL
What? Temporary jobs? But if we’re all down there,
who’ll stay up here and do my necessary work, such as… umm…

LANDSHARK
That’s enough! You crewmembers are just going to
have to suck it up and go do the work, while we officers
stay up here and carry on with our vital command tasks.

DR. WHAT
Uh… you and GREY WOLF are going too.

LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF
What?!

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

DR. WHAT
I thought you guys react this way, so I took the liberty
of checking around and found some temp jobs for those
who are going. Fortunately, there’s a bit of a worker
shortage on this timeline, so I was able to come up with jobs pretty fast.

GBW
Well, if we absolutely have to do it to repair the ship,
I suppose we’ll just have to buckle down and do it.
But you’re hinting that not everyone is going…
who’s staying behind?

DR. WHAT
Well, G BONE for one…

G BONE
Yay!

DR. WHAT
Because he’s going to be in the Teleportation Room 24/7,
sending you people back and forth on your various shifts.

G BONE
Damn it!

MATT
We’ll probably have to leave LUAKEL aboard too, since he’s only 12.

LUAKEL
15!

MATT
Whatever.

DR. WHAT
Yes, but don’t worry, I have a special assignment for LUAKEL up here.

LUAKEL
It’s not like the last one in your quarters, is it?

DR. WHAT
Hey! It’s not my fault you misunderstood when I told you to ‘polish my rod!’

LUAKEL
You could have told me you were talking about your scepter!
(pause)
Why do you have a scepter anyway?

DR. WHAT
Never mind, you’re too young to know that.

DAVE HOWERY
(whispering to LUAKEL)
I’ll tell you later, it’s a good story, with ninja lesbians and kittens.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

GBW
So, DOC, what did you find for us? Did you match
up our skills with appropriate employment?

DR. WHAT
Well, actually, I went with an employer down there
who just happened to have a lot of job openings right
now. It’s a chain of Turkish fast food joints…

The crew members all groan.

MATT
Fast food?! Are you kidding?!

DAVE HOWERY
(outraged)
No! I will never work fast food, NEVER!!
It is beneath my dignity, my skills, my…

DR. WHAT
Relax, DAVE, you’re going to be in their repairs division,
fixing equipment and such. And since when does anyone
on this ship have any dignity?

DAVE HOWERY
Good point.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

DR. WHAT
Okay, I have folders for everyone who’s going down to the planet,
telling you what you’ll be doing, where you’re going, etc. So everyone
get a good night’s sleep. From what I’ve calculated, you’ll all need
to work about 4 days to get the cash we need to buy the parts we need.
(pause)
One word of warning: this place is a bit uptight. Not exactly neocon
standards, but still pretty puritanical. So be on your best behavior.

Everyone groans in sheer misery, and then all leave the room, except for FLOCCULENCIO. He still has a blank look of horror on his face.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified)
W…w… work?!

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY ONE

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAWN

The camera pans across the darkened room. Little can be seen until the door opens, and DR. WHAT and LUAKEL are seen. DR. WHAT steps inside and flips a light switch. As the room lights up, the two look around the room with grim expressions. This room is huge, one of the largest rooms on the ship we’ve seen to date. There are a dozen long tables with hydroponic growing tanks on them. Many large steel tanks are lined against one wall, with hoses coming out of them and fed into the planters. Metal cabinets and shelves are set into the other walls. The planters are all dry, with the remains of many many many many many many marijuana plants in them, all shriveled and desiccated.

LUAKEL
Ah geez, captain… how am I supposed to fix this mess?

DR. WHAT
Hard work and elbow grease. It has to be done. This place
can provide us with most of the food we need. It used to do so,
until STRAHA came aboard and converted it all to pot.
(muttering)
Damn hippy…

LUAKEL
But… I don’t even know where to begin!
I don’t know anything about hydroponics.

DR. WHAT
That’s why they call it ‘on the job training.’ As for where to begin…
get rid of all those pot plants… or what’s left of them. Haul them all
down to the incinerator. Then, make a plan about what to plant where.
The seeds and growing mats are all in those wall cabinets. As for the
chemicals… well, the manuals are right there. Just be sure to use
the proper mix for each type of plant.

He points to a wall shelf, filled with 20 huge volumes. At the sight of that, LUAKEL’S shoulders slump.

LUAKEL
Reading?! I have to do reading on this job?!

DR. WHAT
It’s a sacrifice, but we all have to do our part. Good luck, kid.

DR. WHAT walks out of the room, whistling.

INT- AH.COM KITCHEN- DAWN

The camera pans across the darkened room. Ovens and cooking gear can vaguely be seen. The door opens, and DR. WHAT and FLOCCULENCIO walk into the room and turn on the light.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, thanks for not making me go down
to the planet and w… w… work!

DR. WHAT
Before you thank me, you’d better take a look around.

FLOCCULENCIO looks around the room, and he looks stunned. The camera pans across the room, showing mounds of cooking pots, utensils, and plates, all dirty and sporting an incredible variety of multi-colored mold; basically, the kind of mess that only a ship full of bachelors could make.

FLOCCULENCIO
You… you’re not saying that I have to clean this up, are you?!

DR. WHAT
I’m afraid so. Once upon a time, this ship could produce
enough food to feed a crew three times this size, and this
kitchen is big enough and has the equipment to do it. So,
your job is to get it into shape. And keep it that way… we
need someone in here on a regular basis, and you’re the
only one who can do it… mostly because everyone else has other jobs to do.

FLOCCULENCIO
But… I’m a highly trained mech corvette pilot!

DR. WHAT
You mean, a highly trained pilot who has a broke down mech corvette. Besides, you’re better off than PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

FLOCCULENCIO
(long pause)
God, that’s true. Okay, I don’t like it, but I see
the need to do it. You can count on me to get it done.
(another pause)
Hey, once I get this place spiffed up, I can make
some of my famous East Singaporean tuna curry!

DR. WHAT
(suppressing a shudder)
Yeah, that sounds good. Carry on.

As DR. WHAT leaves the room, FLOCCULENCIO walks over to the sink and starts removing a huge pile of dirty dishes. The camera pans over to a cabinet on another wall, where a bottom door is open. We see a long and dirty pink tail slowly pull into the darkened cabinet, and then a pair of glowing red eyes looks out at FLOCCULENCIO… and then a second pair… and then another… and another.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- MORNING

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen working on a piece of the shift engines. He looks tired and dirty. He snaps a final piece back into place and stands up, groaning as he does.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, LEO, that’s done. Is that everything?

LEO CAESIUS
Hardly. You still have to change the ionization fluid in
the ucephalus tri-converters, remove the drive shaft and
grind the rough spots in the housing, and scrub the
men’s room toilet with your toothbrush.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey! You made that last one up!

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, I was bored. But you do have to do that
other stuff, plus steam clean the duo-carbon exhaust.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This blows! Why am I stuck doing all of DAVE’S work?!

LEO CAESIUS
Because you’re the one who took all the oil out of the
engines without telling anyone, and thus, the cause
of everyone else having to go work temp jobs down on the planet.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, but…

LEO CAESIUS
I’ll let you off the hook if you tell me
why you needed so much lubricant.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(long pause)
So… the ucephalus tri-converters, huh?
I’ll get right on that.

EXT- SAULT STE. MARIE- MORNING

The camera shows a view of an empty parking lot. The sun is rising in the background. The camera stops on OTHNIEL and GBW, who are looking at something off camera in disbelief.

GBW
My God. That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen in years. And considering where we come from, that’s saying something.

The camera switches to their POV, and we see the outside of a fast food restaurant. The neon sign on the front reads “Omar’s Turkish Delights” and has an incredibly stereotypical picture of a fat Turkish man with a beard and a fez, smiling and waving.

OTHNIEL
Who could have come up with such
a blatantly disrespectful concept?

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

The camera opens on a scene of the dining room of the restaurant. HENDRYK and TORQUMADA are seen looking at a large picture on the wall. A legend on it reads ‘Our Founder’ and the picture is that of (who else?) the local version of ABDUL HASHI PASHA.

TORQUMADA
Well, it’s nice to know that on at least one timeline,
a version of one of our crew made it big.

HENDRYK
Yeah, but he sold out by portraying his people in a crude
and offensive manner, all to make a buck.
Who on our crew would do that?

TORQUMADA
Uh… all of them?

HENDRYK
Well… true.

INT- TALAHASSEE FL- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

We see LANDSHARK standing in front of a big industrial wash sink. Next to him is a huge stack of squeaky clean dishes and trays. He looks to the other side, and the camera pans to show six more equally huge stacks of dirty dishes, waiting to be washed. LANDSHARK groans in dismay.

LANDSHARK
Blimey, this job is really the worst! Let’s leave.

IRONYUPPIE (off camera)
Now, now, you know this has to be done. If we don’t
put in our share, we’ll be stuck here on this timeline
forever. Just make the best of it… try to make a game
out of it, like me.

The camera switches to IRONYUPPIE, who is standing at a butcher block table with a huge cleaver in her hand. She’s chopping steak into shis kebab sized bits. She pauses and stares down intently at the meat.

IRONYUPPIE
Why, hello WYLDCARD4!
(WHACK)
What’s that? You brought a friend? Pleased
to meet you, EVOLVEDSAURIAN!
(WHACK)

INT- MEMPHIS TN- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

The camera focuses on THANDE, who is idly stirring something in a pot and looking bored out of his mind. He looks around and picks up a bottle of spice, and squints at the label. He picks up several other bottles of condiments and reads those labels also. He then starts mixing several of them together in the pot. He picks up one final bottle, and doles out a tiny amount into the pot. A loud explosion is heard and a cloud of smoke fills the screen. When it clears, THANDE is standing there with a shocked expression and no eyebrows. He goes back to stirring the pot, looking around to see if anyone noticed.

INT- SAN FRANCISCO CA- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see DAVE HOWERY deep inside an oven, obviously repairing it. With a groan, he pulls himself out of it, and stands up, covered with grease and oil. A restaurant manager stands nearby.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, it should work now. What’s next on the list?

MANAGER
The pump on fryer #3 is out, the ice machine is down,
and the big freezer is running too high.

DAVE HOWERY
(groans)
And I have four more restaurants to go to after this?!
All I can say is, if it wasn’t necessary to do this to get
the ship repaired, I’d be gone in a flash.

MANAGER
Well, after a 10 hour work day,
you’ll have a cool $20 for your trouble.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha… that’s it?! I’m doing all this
crap for twenty stinking dollars?!

MANAGER
Hey, I don’t know what it’s like on your timeline,
but on this one, $20 per day is prime wages.

DAVE HOWERY
Fuck this!

He takes out a communicator.

DAVE HOWERY
G BONE, teleport me to Engineering.
I, uh, need to get some more tools.

Seconds later, he disappears with a loud pop, leaving the wide eyed manager looking on in surprise.

EXT- BOSTON- DAY

The camera opens on a scene dominated by a huge armored truck with the words “Omar’s Security and Armor” painted on the side. A security guard is standing by the drivers’ side door, looking impatiently at his watch. He looks around as MATT walks into the scene. He’s also wearing a security guard uniform and is clutching a holstered pistol to his chest.

GUARD
Man, what took you so long?

MATT
I looked for a bigger gun… but couldn’t find one!

Tears roll down his cheeks.

GUARD
Buck up, man! This outfit hauls all the cash from Omar’s
restaurants in Boston to his central bank here, and
we need to be on constant vigilance!

MATT
(suddenly interested)
Really?! Maybe I should go back to my ship,
grab a rocket launcher, some grenades…

GUARD
No! Christ, we don’t want to scare the hell out of our clients.
Just follow procedures, and chances of us being robbed are minimized.
Let’s roll.
The two climb into the truck, and it drives off in a cloud of exhaust.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera shows KIT standing behind a cash register, with a store manager looking over his shoulder, trying to explain how to operate it.

KIT
I’ll never get the hang of this American money! It’s all green!

MANAGER
Well, they all have different portraits on them.
See, this one has Alexander Hamilton on it.

KIT
Who?

MANAGER
Well, just read the numbers on them, then. Now, the coins…

KIT
Hey, they are all different sizes!
That makes sense! This smallest one
is the lowest denomination, right?

MANAGER
No, that’s a dime, ten cents, and
it’s in the middle of coin value.

KIT
So, why is it smaller than the others?

MANAGER
(exasperated)
It just is!

KIT
Why are these pennies copper colored
and all the others silver?

The manager groans.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera opens with a close shot of TORQUMADA’S face. He has the blank zombie-like ‘1000 yard stare’ of combat veterans who have seen too many of the horrors of war and death. The camera slowly pulls back, and we see that he is peeling a potato. As the camera pulls back more, we see a huge mound of potatoes on one side of him, a growing pile of peels in front of him, and a much too small pile of peeled potatoes on the other side.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

The door opens, and LUAKEL comes in, dragging an empty cart. The camera pans across the room, and we see that all of the pot plant remains have been disposed of, and the growing tanks are clean and shined. LUAKEL walks wearily over to a wall cabinet and opens the door. Thousands and thousands of seeds of nearly every vegetable plant known to man are inside, neatly lined and categorized. He starts dragging out packets, tossing aside the broccoli ones with an ‘ick!’

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

GBW is seen at the drive up window of the restaurant. He hesitantly completes a transaction, hands a bag to the customer, and shuts the window. A manager is watching him.

MANAGER
Hey, that was good! You picked this up pretty quick. Great job!

GBW looks around in shock. Tears glisten in his eyes.

GBW
Oh. My. God. That was… that was… praise? From a superior?
It’s been so long since I’ve had anything like that! None of the
so-called leaders of our ship would ever do anything like that!
I’m so happy! This is the best job ever!

He breaks down and weeps with joy.

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

The camera pans across a room full of desks with telephones and computers. Several bored looking people are sitting at them, talking on headset phones and typing on keyboards. Two of them are MICHAEL and DMA. They look even more bored than the others.

DMA
(speaking into headset)
Hello, how may I help you? Your pilaki was undercooked?
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, please stay on the line
and I’ll have our representative issue you a coupon.
(pause)
Hello, how may I help you? Your piyaz had a hair in it?
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, please stay on the line,
and I’ll have our representative issue you a refund voucher.
(pause)
Hello, how may I help you? Wait… you want me to suck your…
damn it, LANDSHARK, get off the line!

DMA pushes the button to hang up the phone, rather angrily.

DMA
Damn it, I don’t think I can take three more days of this!

MICHAEL
Yeah, this job bloody well sucks. But it’s still better
than working in the restaurants, wouldn’t you say?

DMA
Yeah.

He groans as another call comes on his line.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see the kitchen of the restaurant, and HENDRYK frantically assembling various dishes of food. A manager walks into the scene.

MANAGER
Hurry it up, folks! I need six more orders of ashure,
five orders of lokum, and eight more trays of manti.
Hustle!

HENDRYK groans, but keeps working.

HENDRYK
This job stinks! But… it is necessary because
He Who Died and Returned has decreed it so.
I know that he is working and thinking of me,
his first and most devoted of servants.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT is seen sprawled on a couch, his television on and blaring. He has a big tub of popcorn and a six pack of beer. The television can be heard off camera.

TELEVISION (off camera)
Today, on the Jerry Springer show… cross dressing
meth addict midgets who want to have sex with furniture,
and the women who love them.

DR. WHAT sits up, an interested look on his face.

DR. WHAT
Wow! I wish HENDRYK was here to see this.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see OTHNIEL standing near the entrance to the dining room, dressed up in a stereotypical Turkish costume, with pointed toe slippers, a fez, and a vest. He’s obviously a greeter, and is doing his best to remain cheerful as customers walk in.

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

ED COSTELLO
Get bent!

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

NEKROMANS
Bite me!

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

ZYZZYVA
Hail Satan!

OTHNIEL
Hi, wel… wait, what, Satan?!

EXT- GENERIC OUTDOOR SETTING- EVENING

The camera shows the sun setting behind some low hills, somewhere in the great American Midwest.

INT- INDIANAPOLIS- OMARS TAVERN- NIGHT

The camera sweeps across the interior of a typical night club, although this one is decorated with a Turkish theme. A poster on the wall reads “Welcome to Omar’s Tavern; a subsidiary of Omar’s Turkish Delights.” GREY WOLF is seen walking through the door. He looks around, twitches for a moment when he sees all the alcohol in the place, and then walks over to a manager.

GREY WOLF
Hi, I was told to report to work here.

MANAGER
Ah, you must be the temp worker assigned to us. Well,
you’re going to be doing the sweeping and cleaning, and
help close up after we shut down for the night.
Let me get you some gear.

He turns and picks up a broom and a dustpan, and turns to give them to GREY WOLF… and his eyes go wide with shock.

The camera switches to his POV, and we see that GREY WOLF has stripped down to his underwear, has a bottle in one hand, and is staggering as he belts out a song at the top of his (unmusical) voice.

GREY WOLF
SHE WUR A ITSEEE BITSEEE TEENEE
WEENEE YELLR POKA DO’ B’KINI….

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- NIGHT

The camera sweeps across the room, showing that LUAKEL has been busy all day. All the growing tanks have been filled with seed mats. LUAKEL places the very last one in, and straightens with a groan. He walks over to a computer station that is marked “Hydroponic Chemical Drip Control.” He takes down one of the many manuals from the shelf nearby and opens it.

LUAKEL
(reading aloud)
For legumes, set the growth medium at 27%, with a potassium mix of 3.5% and a phosphorous ratio of 3:1… oh, fuck this!

He tosses the manual aside, and looks at the computer station for a moment. He types in several commands on the keyboard.

LUAKEL
There… everything at a nice even 50%. Reading sucks.

He leaves the room. As he does, the storage tanks begin to whir, and chemicals start pouring into the growing tanks.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- NIGHT

FLOCCULENCIO is seen drying a pan he just washed, the last of a large stack by the sink. We see that he has managed to clean part of the kitchen, but a lot remains to be done. He puts the pan down, and looks around the room, with a self satisfied smile on his face. He leaves the room and turns off the light, leaving the room pitch black. After a moment, a pair of red eyes is seen, and a low angry hiss is heard.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

DR. WHAT and LANDSHARK are sitting at the table in here, looking over some computer printouts.

DR. WHAT
So, how did everyone do on their first day?

LANDSHARK
So… tired… must… concentrate.
(shakes head)
Well, we collected just under a quarter of the money we
need to fix the engines. Everyone’s pay is going into the
special account, as you requested. But… I don’t see an
entry for DAVE HOWERY. Damn it, that slacker!

DR. WHAT
It’s probably just an accounting error. He wants to get away
from here as much as the rest of us, he wouldn’t stiff us on this.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- NIGHT

We see DAVE HOWERY building something in here. It is obviously a human shaped robot; the rough framework completed so far has two legs, two arms, and a neck.

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY TWO

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

The camera pans across the room, showing that it is decorated with all things Alison: posters, pictures, figurines, rugs, coffee mugs, a life sized cardboard cutout, and a blowup Alison love doll sitting on a chair. The camera pans over to the bed, where PSYCHOMELTDOWN is sprawled out, fast asleep and looking totally exhausted; in fact, he seems to have slept in his clothes. An Alison shaped alarm clock by his bed goes off, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN doesn’t even twitch. After a moment, the clock shuts off, and the lights in the room turn on. LEO CAESIUS is heard on the intercom.

LEO CAESIUS
Wakey wakey, PSYCHO! Time for another day of endless
grunt work repairs under my ever watchful eye.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stirs and mutters something that sounds like “Five more minutes, Mommy!”

LEO CAESIUS
Fine, then.

The camera pans upward to the ceiling, where a fire suppression system is mounted. One of the nozzles swivels straight down and fires a jet of cold water. Off camera, PSYCHOMELTDOWN is heard screaming in shock and anger.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

The camera shows TORQUMADA still peeling potatoes, with a blank brain dead stare on his face. He actually drops the potato he’s peeling but doesn’t notice, and keeps making peeling motions with his hands. After a moment, he makes a tossing motion, and then picks up another potato and starts the process over again.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

LUAKEL is seen walking in and turning on the lights. He stares around in surprise, and the camera switches to his POV.

The plants in the growing tanks have grown amazingly overnight. They stand tall and vibrantly healthy. Ripening vegetables and fruit can be seen on the stems. LUAKEL looks around with a big grin and walks over to the computer station.

LUAKEL
This is great! And I had the drip amounts only set to 50%!
I bet if I set it to 100%, we’ll have food to last till doomsday!

He types some commands on the keyboard, and the chemical storage tanks gurgle as more chemicals are sent into the growing tanks. LUAKEL smiles and leaves the room. The camera pans back to the growing plants. As the extra chemicals start to pour into the tanks, the plants are seen to… twitch.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see KIT at his register, waiting on a long line of customers.

SBEGIN
Hi, I’d like two orders of beef kofte, with
ayran to drink, and a side of helva please.

KIT
That’ll be $12.99 at the next window please, thank you.
(pause)
Hi, may I take your order please?

RAN EXILIS
mumble mumble mumble.

KIT
Eh… what was that again?

RAN EXILIS
mumble mumble mumble.

KIT
Uh… a sucuk sandwich with leblebi?

RAN EXILIS
NO!! I WANT AN ORDER OF KUZU GUVEK,
ARE YOU FRIGGING DEAF?!?!

KIT
EEK!

He hides behind the counter.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen with a stack of plates in his arms, balancing them as he moves to put them away. Much of the kitchen has been cleaned, but there is still some work to do. He nudges a cabinet door open with his toe, and starts to bend down, but something long and furry lunges out of it and rears up in front of him. It is a monstrous rat the size of a Saint Bernard, with patchy grey fur and long talons. FLOCCULENCIO howls in terror, drops the plates, tries to scurry backwards, but trips and lands on his butt on the floor. The giant rat moves towards him, and he hastily scoots backwards. He looks around frantically and sees a large cast iron griddle on the floor. He picks it up just as the rat lunges towards him. He swings it down on the rat’s head; the rat drops, twitching. FLOCCULENCIO stands up, looking down at the rat with awe. Sounds from off camera distract him, and he looks around to see more of the monstrous rats coming out of the cabinets; several of them are between him and the door.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen leaning on one of the shift engines, fast asleep, a pipe wrench held in one hand.

LEO CAESIUS
PSYCHO!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN jerks awake and beats the pipe wrench feebly against the engine cowling.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s the carberator, I tell ya….

LEO CAESIUS
Since the shift engines don’t have carberators,
I really doubt that. Now, snap to it, and get to
remagnetizing the containment cylinders
of the Heisenberg Compensator.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! That’ll take me half the day!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, if you hadn’t…
(pause)
Hang on, FLOCCULENCIO is yelling for me.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen huddled in a corner. He has a sauce pan on his head as sort of a helmet, the lid of a big roasting pan as sort of a shield, and the big griddle in his other hand. Six of the giant rats are confronting him, hissing and snarling, while four others lie dead on the floor with griddle shaped dents on their heads.

LEO CAESIUS
Damn it, FLOCC, what do you need? I’m trying to keep
PSYCHO busy, and that’s a full time job.

FLOCCULENCIO
Good God, can’t you see?! I’m under attack here! Send help!

LEO CAESIUS
Everyone else is busy. Look, you can’t bother me
every time you run into some vermin. You’ll have
to just handle it yourself. I’m outta here.

FLOCCULENCIO
No! LEO!!

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

We see DMA and MICHAEL at their desks; both look a little blurry from boredom and lack of sleep.

MICHAEL
Hello, how may I help you? The manager called you a what?!
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, and I’ll… what? No,
I can’t personally fire anyone, but I’ll be happy to turn you over
to… no, ma’am, I’m not being difficult, I really can’t…

MICHAEL listens to the phone for a moment, and then obviously snaps.

MICHAEL
Very well, ma’am, I’ll review the case. You said the manager
called you a fat ugly slob. First of all, I need to know if you
are really fat or not, because I need to know if he lied or not.
Now, I don’t know if you’re ugly, but I’m going to assume
you are, because you sound like you’re ugly. You want to talk
to my superior? Sure, its 1-800-GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

He viciously punches the button to turn off the phone, and looks over at DMA, who is looking at him with wide eyes. MICHAEL blushes a little.

MICHAEL
Whoops. Probably shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.

DMA
Actually… I think you just found a
way to make this job interesting.

The two look at each other a moment, and then both grin.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sipping a cup of coffee, looking tired, but still sharp eyed. The robot he is building is much more complete, with servomotors, joints, and steel plates all installed. KEIRA is standing behind him, looking at him in puzzlement.

KEIRA
Is this a plan that you and the captain agreed on?

DAVE HOWERY
Not… exactly. But trust me, babe, this is going to make
us more money than me screwing around with ovens and fryers.

KEIRA
I don’t know… I get nervous around
robots after that whole Peanuts thing.

DAVE HOWERY
Trust me, honey, when I get done with this, we’ll
have enough money to keep the ship running for months.

KEIRA
Aren’t you worried the captain will find out what you’re planning?

DAVE HOWERY
How could he? I think he’s off somewhere working, like the rest of us.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR.WHAT is seen lying on his couch again, watching his television.

TELEVISION
(soap opera music)
Oh, Brett, tell me you love me! Let’s kill your comatose wife,
collect the insurance money, and run off together, and live the
lives we’ve always dreamed of, as a pair of traveling karaoke singers!

DR. WHAT
Wow. What a bitch.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera opens on TORQUMADA still mindlessly peeling potatoes. HENDRYK walks in with a steel pan. He pauses to look at TORQUMADA, then reaches out and slaps his cheek. TORQUMADA doesn’t react at first, but then shakes his head and looks up at HENDRYK.

TORQUMADA
Oh… hi. What’s up?

HENDRYK
Need to refill my potato bins. How’s it going down here?

TORQUMADA
What day is it?

HENDRYK
Uh… day 2.

TORQUMADA
That’s it?! I’ll go mad, I tell you, MAD!!
(pause)
Sorry.

HENDRYK
Hey, I understand. I mean really, what kind of drooling
fool would actually like a job like this?

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see GBW briskly working at the drive through window. He has a big smile on his face, and is energetically filling orders, taking cash, and thanking customers for their business.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

Once again, LANDSHARK and DR. WHAT are seated at the table. DR. WHAT looks surprisingly rested, while LANDSHARK is a mess.

DR. WHAT
Hey, we’re moving along pretty nicely here.
Have almost half the money we need.

LANDSHARK
Grmph. Mrzzle. Hmphlmp.

DR. WHAT
What? Damn, LANDSHARK, go get some sleep.
You’re a wreck, and you have an early morning tomorrow.

LANDSHARK looks at DR. WHAT with near incomprehension, but the word ‘sleep’ gets through his fogged mind, and he shuffles out of the room.

 

 

END ACT I

ACT II

 

 

 

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY THREE

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen sprawled on his bed again, looking almost comatose in his exhaustion. Suddenly, the lights in the room light to full intensity, and “Stars and Stripes Forever” is heard blasting over the intercom at full volume.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN hops out of bed with a scream and looks around frantically.

LEO CAESIUS
Rise and shine, PSYCHO! I have another
big list of repairs for you today!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN whimpers.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAWN

FLOCCULENCIO is sitting in a corner, pot still on head, lid still in one hand, and griddle still in the other hand. He is red eyed, and obviously exhausted, but is looking around constantly.

FLOCCULENCIO

Can’t sleep, rats will eat me,

can’t sleep, rats will eat me…

INT- TALLAHASSEE FL- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

We see LANDSHARK pull his hands out the dishwasher and look at them in despair.

LANDSHARK
My hands… my poor poor beautiful hands…

A loud thumping sound is heard off camera, and LANDSHARK looks that way. The camera pans from him to IRONYUPPIE who is wielding her meat cleaver with both hands, obviously enjoying her work far too much.

IRONYUPPIE
Why hello (WHACK) there 09CAMERO (WHACK) ,
it’s sooo nice (WHACK) to meet (WHACK) you! (WHACK)

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

MICHAEL and DMA are seen in here, eager grins on their faces, and a pile of props around them. MICHAEL’S phone rings, and he puts it on speaker.

MICHAEL
Hello, how may I help you?

VOICE ON PHONE
(elderly female voice)
My name is Mrs. Jones, and I have a complaint about your
store in Jackson, Mississippi. They gave me the wrong change
back for the third time this month. I want action taken now!

MICHAEL
Well, I’m sorry we had a problem with that Mrs. Jones,
and we’ll take care of that immediately. In fact, we’re
going to fire the manager right now!

MRS. JONES
Well… that’s harsh, but something needs to be done.

MICHAEL
We have the manager and assistant manager here, and
let me assure you, they will never be a problem again.
First, the assistant manager…

MICHAEL takes out a starter pistol and fires off a blank round. DMA makes a dramatic scream and thumps down hard on the ground.

MICHAEL
There you go, Mrs. Jones, he’s out of the way!

MRS. JONES
Oh my God! You shot him!

MICHAEL
But wait, there’s more! The manager himself
will now be terminated. But first…

MICHAEL takes a couple of thin dowels and snaps them in half.

DMA
(fake high voice)
AHHHHH! My fingers!

MRS. JONES
Oh God, this is horrible! Please stop!

MICHAEL
But Mrs. Jones, we’re just getting to the good part!

DMA
Oh God, not my testicles! No! NO! AHHHHHHH!!

MICHAEL takes a pear of shears and cuts a piece of licorice in half, making a loud snipping sound.

MRS. JONES
For the love of God, please stop… gasp… can’t breathe…

MICHAEL
And now, we terminate him!

MICHAEL puts a watermelon on the desk, takes out a sledgehammer, and hits the melon. It bursts with an awful squashing sound.

MRS. JONES
Vision… going… dim…

MICHAEL
And now, to completely make up for the bad treatment
you received, we’re going to burn down the store in Jackson!

MICHAEL pours lighter fluid into an ashtray and tosses a match into it; the fluid ignites with a whoosh.

MICHAEL
There you go, Mrs. Jones, we’ve made
up for everything they did to you!

Nothing is heard on the speaker phone, except for the gasps and choking of someone having a major coronary. MICHAEL and DMA look at each a moment, and then MICHAEL turns off the speaker. Both sit down quietly.

DMA
Think we overdid it a bit there?

MICHAEL
Nah.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

The camera opens on a shot of the door. It opens, and LUAKEL comes in, pulling a cart behind him, with a shovel, pruning shears, and several baskets; he obviously intends to collect the vegetables and fruit. However, he stops and looks around, stunned.

The camera switches to his POV, and we see that the room is massively overgrown, and now looks like a jungle. Strange calls are heard in the depths of the foliage, which shakes as unseen things move through it. No sign of the fruit or vegetables is seen. LUAKEL runs over to the computer station and types in a code on the keyboard. The gurgling sounds of the chemicals running into the tanks stops. As LUAKEL turns to look at the plants in despair, something rustles in the foliage nearby. LUAKEL runs to his cart and grabs the shovel out of it, turning around in fear.

A small animal the size of a sheep comes into view. In fact, it looks a lot like a sheep, but is obviously some mutant form of cauliflower. It has a head and four stubby legs and big dark eyes. It looks up at LUAKEL in curiousity.

LUAKEL
Aww… it’s cute!

He starts to reach down to pet it, but another plant creature leaps out of the foliage. This one looks like a tiger grown out of a monstrous carrot. It leaps on the cauliflower/sheep and tears its head off. It starts to feed on the carcass, but is distracted when LUAKEL hastily backs away. The beast stalks towards him, and he desperately swings the shovel at it. By sheer luck, he swings it edge on the beast’s neck, and cuts the head off. LUAKEL looks down at the two vegetable monsters lying dead on the floor.

LUAKEL
Well… I guess this is dinner.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

OTHNIEL is still in his greeter position. He looks not as cheerful as he did; the strain is obviously getting to him, and he speaks in a dull monotone as customers walk in.

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

DEMOSTHENES
Get lost!

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

CHRIS
Suck my balls!

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

HAGGIS
Eat me!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The camera opens with a close shot of DAVE HOWERY working on something off camera. He pulls back, screwdriver in hand, and wipes his forehead with one hand. The camera pulls back, and we see that the robot he has been working on is an exact copy of DR. WHAT. KEIRA is standing behind DAVE, rubbing her hands together anxiously.

KEIRA

Oh, DAVE, I think the captain is going to
be really peeved if he finds out about this.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t find out then. Besides,
I always wanted to have a copy of DOC, just in case I
ever want to issue orders in his name and not have him
know about it. And now…

He takes out a remote control and pushes a button. The WHATBOT opens its eyes and looks around. It looks at DAVE and grins.

WHATBOT
Hey, dude!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey. How are you?

WHATBOT
All systems are nominal.

KEIRA looks nervously at the WHATBOT, and then over at the glass cabinet that BILL and HILLARY are stored in.

KEIRA
DAVE, he’s… not like those two, is he?

DAVE HOWERY
Nope. He doesn’t have one bit of sexual programming in his coding.
Hell, I didn’t even make him a penis… unnecessary work.

The WHATBOT looks horrified, and runs a hand over its crotch. A look of fury goes across its face.

WHATBOT
You… bastard!!

It grabs DAVE HOWERY by the throat, throttling him. DAVE flounders for a moment, trying to remove the arms, and then pushes a button on the remote control. The WHATBOT releases him and shuts down. DAVE HOWERY takes a deep gasping breath.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, I do have to tweak his programming a little.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

KIT is seen working on the cash register. He is also showing the strain, and has deep circles under his eyes.

KIT
Hi, may I take your order please.

ELLE JAY
Yes, I’d like a number seven, hold the garlic.

KIT
Number 7, hold the garlic, that’ll be $7.89 at the next window, thank you.
Hi, may I take your order please.

SUNSURF
I’d like a number 5, large sized, with guava juice.

KIT
Number 5, large sized, guava juice, that’ll be…

SUNSURF
No, I said a number 3.

KIT
No, you said a number 5, but I can…

SUNSURF
DAMN IT, I KNOW WHAT I SAID, NOW GIVE
ME A GODDAMN NUMBER 4 RIGHT NOW!!

KIT
EEK!

He hides behind the counter.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT is playing a game on an X-Box, furiously working the controller. A game box beside him has the title “Smurfs: the Game.” The sounds of explosions and digital screams are heard on the television. DR. WHAT suddenly stops and stares at the screen, then gets up and does a happy dance.

DR. WHAT
YES!! I killed Gargamel! Woo hoo!!

LEO CAESIUS
Uh, DOC, I hate to interrupt you when you’re ‘busy’, but…
actually, that’s not true, I love interrupting you. Anyway,
you’d better check up on some of the stuff going on around
the ship. I’m getting strange readings from the Hydroponics Bay,
and FLOCCULENCIO hasn’t come out of the kitchen since yesterday morning.

DR. WHAT
Oh all right.

He gets up and goes over to an intercom system on the wall, and pushes a couple of buttons.

DR. WHAT
Hey, LUAKEL, how’s it going down there?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

LUAKEL is seen answering DR. WHAT’S page on the intercom.

LUAKEL
Everything’s fine, DOC. I even have some vegetables
harvested for dinner tomorrow night.

DR. WHAT (on intercom)
Keep up the good work. Out.

As LUAKEL pushes the button to turn off the intercom, the camera pulls back, and we see that he is holding the shovel, and that it is covered with bits of plant leaves and juices. A loud roar is heard by something off camera, and several long vine/tentacles reach towards LUAKEL. He swings the shovel at them.

LUAKEL
Back, hellspawn, BACK!!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT pushes another button on the intercom.

DR. WHAT
FLOCC? How’s it going in the kitchen? You all right?

No answer is heard on the intercom, only the sounds of gasping for breath, several odd clanging blows, and then FLOCCULENCIO is heard screaming in the background, “THOSE EYES! THOSE EYES! THOSE HORRIBLE RED EYES!” DR. WHAT shrugs and turns off the intercom.

DR. WHAT
Hey, I checked.

He rubs his hands together in happiness, and goes back to his game.

INT- INDIANNAPOLIS- OMAR’S TAVERN- NIGHT

GREY WOLF is seen in here, sweeping the floor and wiping down tables, under the stern gaze of one of the bouncers. He looks longingly at the booze all around, but the bouncer doesn’t take his eyes off him for a second. As he works, a pair of girls poses at the bar, while their friend snaps a picture. The flash makes the bouncer blink and rub his eyes briefly. When he opens them again, he looks on in wide surprise. The camera switches to his POV, and we see that GREY WOLF has stripped down to his underwear, is dancing drunkenly on a table, holding a bottle, and singing a song horribly off key.

GREY WOLF
THER ISH A HOUSHE IN NEW AWLINS,
THEY CALL TH’ RISIN’ SUNNNNNN…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

DR. WHAT and LANDSHARK are seated at the table again, looking over computer printouts. LANDSHARK is fast asleep, snoring on the table.

DR. WHAT
Hey, we’re getting there! We have enough cash now to get repairs
started tomorrow. I’ll call down and have the crews get started
first thing in the morning. One more day, and
we’ll have enough to pay it all off.

He looks down at LANDSHARK snoring, takes out a marker and draws a little Hitler mustache on his upper lip, and then leaves the room.

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY FOUR

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen sleeping sprawled on his bed, utterly unconscious.

LEO CAESIUS
(soft low voice)
PSYYYYCHOOOOO…..

PSYCHOMELTDOWN twitches in his sleep, but doesn’t wake up.

LEO CAESIUS
(soft low voice)
PSYYYYYCHOOOOOO….

He curls up into a fetal position, but doesn’t wake up. The lights in the room blast on to full intensity, and a noise comes out of the speakers that sounds like car horns, fog horns, and steam engine whistles combined. PSYCHOMELTDOWN leaps to his feet and runs blindly across the room, slamming into the opposite wall at full speed. He knocks himself out and lands flat on his back.

LEO CAESIUS
Up and at ‘em, PSYCHO! We’ve got lots to do…
(pause)
Uh… PSYCHO?

The camera switches to a close up of PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S face. His eyes are rolled back, and he has a wide goofy grin… and is out cold.

LEO CAESIUS
Whoops.

INT- TALLAHASSEE FL- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

LANDSHARK is seen washing dishes. He pulls his hands out and looks at them; they are rough, red, and wrinkled. He bursts into tears.

LANDSHARK
One more day…

The camera pans over to IRONYUPPIE, who seems to have lost her enthusiasm for the work. She is chopping the meat half-heartedly.

IRONYUPPIE
One more day…

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

TORQUMADA is seen still peeling potatoes. For the first time, a very slight glimmer of hope is on his face.

TORQUMADA
One more day…

Up in the kitchen, HENDRYK is assembling trays of food.

HENDRYK
One more day…

INT- MEMPHIS TN- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

THANDE is seen stirring a pot of something with a wooden spoon. He is staring off blankly at nothing as he does. A coworker comes up to him, looks at him puzzled, and then takes the pot away. THANDE doesn’t notice and keeps stirring with the wooden spoon in the air.

THANDE
One more day…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAWN

LUAKEL is seen at the computer station, and has obviously been up all night, reprogramming the drip settings. He has the very last manual on the very last page, and looks at it blearily.

LUAKEL
And finally… zucchini…

He types in several commands and put the manual back on the shelf. He turns, and the camera switches angles. The room looks different; nearly all of the rampant jungle growth has disappeared, and most of the plants look like they are now growing properly. He walks over to the wheeled cart, now piled high with vegetable monster carcasses. Along with the cauliflower/sheep and carrot/tiger, there is a potato/bear, several string bean/snakes, a huge tomato with a fanged maw, and a strawberry as big as a recliner chair. LUAKEL picks up the cart handle and pulls it out of the room.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

OTHNIEL is at his greeter station, and now looks totally haggard. He is muttering more than speaking when he greets customers.

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

DEAN THE YOUNG
Drop dead!

OTHNIEL
(muttering)
One more day…

Over at the drive through window, GBW is energetically handing out orders, taking cash, and thanking them. But a look of deep despair goes over his face.

GBW
Only one more day left!

He breaks down into tears.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

KIT is seen at the cash register, and he also looks very tired and haggard. As he watches, a customer knocks over a drink and spills soda all over the counter and the floor.

KIT
One more day…

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

DMA and MICHAEL are seen at their stations, but they are looking around anxiously at their coworkers.

DMA 
Think anyone tied us to all those prank calls?

MICHAEL
No. Now act cool, and we can pull this off.

DMA
One more day…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen talking to the WHATBOT, who has apparently been reprogrammed. KEIRA is stretched out asleep on a work table in the background.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, you have all the details down, right?

WHATBOT
Yes, DAVE.

DAVE HOWERY
Then head down to the Teleportation Room and get started.

WHATBOT
Yes, DAVE.

The WHATBOT walks out of the room. DAVE HOWERY walks over to his desk and picks up a cup of coffee. He sees KEIRA asleep nearby, and smiles fondly down at her. He reaches down and strokes her cheek. She stirs, but doesn’t wake.

DAVE HOWERY
(low voice)
Another day with you…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen moving warily around, facing off against two of the giant rats, apparently all that remains. He looks gaunt and weary, but very alert. One of the rats charges him, and he slams the griddle down on its head, killing it instantly. The other rat darts forward and sinks its teeth into the pot lid; FLOCCULENCIO barely hangs onto it. He lashes out with the griddle and drops the other rat. He stands upright and howls in wordless victory.

At that moment, the door opens and LUAKEL enters, pulling the cart behind him. He looks first at FLOCCULENCIO (still with the pot on his head, pot lid in one hand, and griddle in the other) , and then at all the dead giant rats scattered around the room. He opens his mouth to ask a question, but then just shakes his head.

LUAKEL
No. I’m not going to ask. Here’s dinner.

He drops the cart handle and walks out of the room. FLOCCULENCIO looks at the vegetable monsters in the cart, clearly puzzled.

FLOCCULENCIO
What the hell is all this?

EXT- BOSTON- DAY

The camera opens on a scene inside the armored truck driven by the guard; MATT is still on the passenger side.

MATT
God, this has been boring.
No robbery attempts, nothing.
One more day…

GUARD
Hey, around here, we regard a day with no
robbery attempts as a good one… what the hell?!

He slams on the brakes, bringing the truck to a screeching halt.

GUARD
I swear, he just appeared there out of thin air!

MATT
Uh… DOC?

The camera switches to a scene outside the truck. The WHATBOT is standing there in the middle of the road. As the two guards look on in puzzlement, the WHATBOT grabs the front of the truck and turns it over. It falls on its side with a thunderous crash. The WHATBOT walks around to the back of the truck. As it does, we see MATT pull himself up out of the cab through the side window, looking rather battered. The WHATBOT tears one of the doors off of its hinges, seizes two bags of money, and then goes running off down the street at an impossible speed. The guard and MATT barely get on their feet and draw their guns when the robot runs out of sight.

GUARD
You know what this means, don’t you?
Lots and lots of paperwork.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT (the real one) is seen lying on his couch and watching what sounds like lesbian porn on the television. The intercom beeps.

G BONE
DOC, just thought you should knowthat the repair crews just left.
Also, most of the crew has returned to the ship. Looks like we did it!

DR. WHAT
God, what time is it?

G BONE
About 6:30, ship time.

DR .WHAT
Okay. Let’s have everyone assemble in the dining hall.
This calls for a celebration, and I bet
FLOCC has prepared something good.

The intercom clicks off. DR. WHAT stands, stretches, and smiles.

DR. WHAT
We did it. One more day of exploring the timelines…

END ACT II

TAG

 

 

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DINING HALL- NIGHT

Nearly the entire crew is assembled in here. Only MATT and DAVE HOWERY are absent. The crew looks tired, but happy. The table has been filled with a great feast… piles and piles of food, drink, and deserts. DR. WHAT stands and raises his glass.

DR. WHAT
To all of you! You came through when things looked bad,
and got the job done, as you always do!

Everyone raises their glasses and cheers. DR. WHAT turns to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who has a bandage around his head and looks confused.

DR. WHAT
And to the man who got everything done in Engineering,
so the repair crews were able to fix everything in just a few hours!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m an engineer?

DR. WHAT
Of course… you all right, PSYCHO?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
My name is PSYCHO?

DR. WHAT shakes his head in bewilderment, and faces the crew again.

DR. WHAT
And to LUAKEL, who did a great job in Hydroponics
and grew all this great feast for us!

HENDRYK
It is great… but why isn’t there any broccoli?

Everyone goes quiet as LUAKEL looks up with a murderous expression.

LUAKEL
Broccoli? BROCCOLI?!?! You want some goddamn broccoli?!
After all I went through while you guys were having a grand old
time doing light work down there, all you can do is whine about broccoli?!
AHHHHHHH!!!

LUAKEL jumps to his feet, knocks over a bowl of gravy, kicks MICHAEL in the leg, and runs out of the room, sobbing and crying.

MICHAEL
Ow!

DR. WHAT
Shouldn’t have gone there, HENDRYK. Anyway… let’s hear it
for FLOCCULENCIO, who cleaned up the kitchen and cooked this feast!

Everyone cheers, but then OTHNIEL suddenly coughs and sputters. He picks up a long pink tail out of his soup bowl.

OTHNIEL
What the… I thought you cleaned these dishes!

Everyone quiets as FLOCCULENCIO looks up with a murderous expression.

FLOCCULENCIO
A tail?! You’re whining about a stupid tail?! After
I cleaned all the dishes that you bozos left dirty for
months and fought a horde of giant rats with a damn
griddle, all you can do is whine about a little tail in your soup?!
AHHHHHHHHH!!

FLOCCULENCIO leaps to his feet, knocks over another bowl of gravy, kicks MICHAEL in the leg, and runs out of the room, sobbing and crying.

MICHAEL
OW!!

DR. WHAT
Oh boy. Well, in the end, we got it done anyway. After
a good night’s sleep, tomorrow, we’re out of here!

Everyone cheers loud and long at that. DR. WHAT sits back down.

DR. WHAT
By the way, LANDSHARK, did we have any
cash left over after paying for the repairs?

LANDSHARK
(pulls out a PDA unit)
Not much. I think it was about $50 or so…

The PDA makes a beep, and LANDSHARK looks down at it with wide eyes.

LANDSHARK
What… the… hell?!? It says here that a deposit of
$328,000 was made just before the bank closed!

The entire room goes quiet in shock.

DR. WHAT
But… how…
(pause)
Who made the deposit?

LANDSHARK
It says you did.

DR. WHAT
But that’s impossible! I haven’t been off the ship in days!

G BONE
Uh… yes, you were, DOC. I teleported you to the
surface this afternoon, and you came back just after 5:00.

DR. WHAT
No I didn’t. What the hell is going on here?

DAVE HOWERY bursts into the room, looking worried.

DAVE HOWERY
I hate to interrupt the feast, but everyone needs to get
to stations immediately. The planet is sending warships after us!

DR .WHAT
What… why?! We paid for the repairs! We did everything
legal and honest this time, and we hardly ever do that!

MATT walks into the room, glaring at DAVE HOWERY.

MATT
I bet I can guess why. I just came out of 2 hours of
interrogation by the security company. That was really
unpleasant. Anything you want to tell us, DAVE?

DAVE HOWERY
Me? I didn’t do anything!

In spite of this statement, DAVE HOWERY has an obviously guilty look on his face. The rest of the crew looks at him with suspicion.

DR. WHAT
DAVE… what did you DO?!

DAVE HOWERY
Nothing, MATT’S crazy, I… oh all right, I’ll tell you,
but we need to get to stations right away.

Everyone jumps to their feet and runs out of the room.

EXT- SPACE

The AH.COM is seen rocketing through space, towards a wormhole forming just ahead of it, as a pair of smaller spacecraft chase it, firing weapons. Just before the ship moves into the wormhole, the voice of the entire crew (except DAVE HOWERY) is heard yelling on a voice over.

CREW
DAVE, YOU IDIOT!!!

 

 

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Filed under: Series 1 Comment
18Jul/110

4×04 – Spa Day

TEASER

EXT. – STREET – HUB – DAYISH

DOCTOR WHAT and the AH.COM CREW are all walking down the sidewalk. GREY WOLF is looking at a device in his hands.

GREY WOLF
I think this is the place.

WEAPON M pulls outs a BFG.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think we’ll be needing that.

WEAPON M
You’re never sure.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I think we’re not going to need it.

Pull back and we see a large glowing and glittering sign:

HUB CINEMAS:
10,000,000 SCREENS SHOWING UP TO
75 VERSIONS OF THE SAME MOVIE!!!

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m not sure about this.

MICHAEL
Movie Night?
It’s supposed to bring
the crew together.

FLOCCULENCIO
Why not just take us to a strip club?
That’ll work better than all sitting in a cinema.

MICHAEL
You know what happened last time.

MATT
Hey! I was drunk and uncoordinated.

MICHAEL
I was talking more about
the two dollars in pennies.

MATT
Oh, right. Well…

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving)
Alright, boys and girls.
We got the tickets, no pushing,
no shouting, no biting, and Sharky,
definitely no shin kicking.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wait, what are we going to watch?

MICHAEL
Dunno.
Keira was supposed to pick the movie.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mate, I have a bad feeling about this.

TWO HOURS LATER

The AH.COM CREW exit the movie theatre. We pull in on them, we see their faces pale and a few of them shaking.

MICHAEL
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
(shuddering)

FLOCCULENCIO
My mind…
I don’t…
Oh, god…

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF watch as the crew file pass. We see KEIRA KNIGHTLY leading a stunned looking DAVE HOWERY by the hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Successful?

GREY WOLF
I don’t think I understood the plot.

DOCTOR WHAT
That happens when you fall asleep before it even begins.
Anyway. I think I’m crossing independent films from
a Cucuteni dominated worlds off my list of things to see.
Ye gods, I think what they did with the hedgehogs and
olive oil is going to haunt me for the next week.

GREY WOLF
I think I’ll wait until it arrives on video.

The two follow the crew.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SPA DAY”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, and IRONYUPPIE are standing in the room. G.BONE is sleeping with his head on his arms, on the control panel for the Teleportation Tubes.

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know about this.
I mean you going off all by your lonesome.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’m not going off by my lonesome.
Ironyuppie’s coming with me.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyes IY)
Yeah, that’s also something worrying me.

IRONYUPPIE
Come on, Dave. You can’t keep he
r locked up in your quarters
all the time. It makes you look sad
and creepy, and seeing as you’re
already that, it just makes it more so.
People are talking and not the usual
behind your back kind of talking either.

DAVE HOWERY
(un-amused)
Har-dee-friggin-har.

IRONYUPPIE
Plus, y’know, a girl’s got needs.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyeing IY)
Now, I’m doubly worried.

IRONYUPPIE
Dude, I’ve got the same girl bits
she does. You think I’m after them?

DAVE HOWERY
Tell me you aren’t.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m not going to lie to you.
(long pause)

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
It’s only for a couple of hours.
What possibly could happen
at a day spa?

DAVE HOWERY
Keira, honey, darling dear, love of my life.
You really should never ask that kind of question.
The universe has a way of making you regret it.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF enter the Pub.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was another
splendid mission we survived.

GREY WOLF
Ya, but I think Michael’s
gonna be sore for a month.

DOCTOR WHAT
A shame about that. But then again,
you know the saying.

GREY WOLF
You mess with the seven-ton
mutant rhino elephant dinosaur
and you get the horn/tusk/talon
thing up the backside?

DOCTOR WHAT
Something like that…
Come, I’ll buy you a drink.

GREY WOLF
I need something that’ll burn in a good way.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right, gutrot coming right up.

INT. – DARKEN ROOM – DAY

A MAN IN A MASK sits at a table. ANOTHER MAN IN A MASK arrives and sits across from him.

MAN IN A MASK
You got the stuff?

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I got the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Then give me the stuff.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I’ll give you the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say, boy.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say.

MAN IN A MASK
I’m annoyed.
If you got the stuff, then give it
and you’ll get your money.
If you don’t, then fuck off and die.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Fine. Fine. Geez, are you always this grumpy?

MAN IN A MASK
Only when dealing with idiots.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Here you go, mate.
Have fun and don’t get it on your skin.
God only know why you want that.

MAN IN A MASK
I have my reasons.
(evil grin)

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you got my money.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting at a table, looking at a picture book. He looks a bit down.

FLOCCULENCIO and DMA enter the room.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, looked what crawled
out of the Engineering Bay.

DMA
Looks like something you
see after eating Taco Bell.

DAVE HOWERY
Leave me alone.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look it talks.

DMA
Aye, and it sounds like something
you hear after eating Taco Bell.

FLOCCULENCIO
What is your obsession with Taco Bell?

DMA
I’m hungry, get over it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
If you’re going to be my Aussie Sidekick, now that
Michael’s incapacitated, you really have to be more
Johnny on the Spot with better barbed quips and
not be so easily distracted by bodily needs.

DMA
I could use a good hooker or two,
now that we’re talking about it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
I need a better Aussie Sidekick.

DAVE HOWERY
You guys gonna leave? Or do I have to go
broken sprinkler head on your arses?

FLOCCULENCIO
Where’s the little missus?
She finally get over her programming
and flee in terror?

DAVE HOWERY
Quiet you. She loves me for being me!

FLOCCULENCIO
Keep telling yourself that, mate.
Keep telling yourself that.

DAVE HOWERY
She and Yuppie went to a spa.
Without me.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wow, you actually unchained her
from the radiator in your quarters?

DAVE HOWERY
She’s not chained up.

FLOCCULENCIO
But now that she’s gone,
I’ll wager she’s gone for good.

DMA
Aye, and she’s probably gettin’ felt up by
some young strapping buck right about now…

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!
She’d never let another man touch her!

INT. – HUB – SPA – DAY

KEIRA KNIGHTLY lets out a groan of pleasure.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ve never been touched
like that by a man before!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and DMA are grappling on the floor as FLOCCULENCIO idly watches.

THANDE suddenly bursts into the room.

THANDE
Keira is gone!
Where did she go!

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, look what crawled out of the air ducts
leading to Dave and Keira’s quarters.

THANDE
Its nearly nine, that’s her shower time.

FLOCCULENCIO
Is anyone else completely
creeped out by that statement?

DMA
Aye, I’m a bit.

DAVE HOWERY
She’s gone off the ship!
Okay? Got it? Understand!
She’ll be back though.
(panting)
She will…

FLOCCULENCIO
A sane person would merely nod
and agree with you, right now.
(looks at DMA)
Aussie Sidekick?

DMA
(to Dave)
No she’s not coming back.

DAVE HOWERY launches himself at DMA.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is very sloshed, GREY WOLF sips at his mason jar, unaffected.

DOCTOR WHAT
So I said to him,
That’s not a tail, buddy.

GREY WOLF
Not to get your hopes up, Doc.
But I think there’s an attractive
girl eyeing you from afar.

DOCTOR WHAT
A what?

GREY WOLF
An attractive girl.

DOCTOR WHAT
You sure?
Because that usually doesn’t ever happen.

GREY WOLF
I know.
I’m baffled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, point me in her general direction
and shove me off in that direction.

GREY WOLF points DOCTOR WHAT in the direction and pushes him. He staggers toward a young woman sitting at the bar, a welcoming smile on her face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…
I’m Doc.
What are you?

GIRL
Nice to meet you Doc…
My name is StrategyGirl.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

There’s a loud pop and a large container appears upon the Teleportation Tubes.

G.BONE looks at in confusion.

He hits the comm button.

G.BONE
Hey, did anyone order anything?

HENDRYK
Nope. Why?

G.BONE
I just got a package in. Says its
addressed to the Crew of the AH.com.

HENDRYK
Open it up.

G.BONE
Nope. I’m not falling for that again.

HENDRYK
Come on.

G.BONE
After what happened last time?
No.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Teleportation Tube Room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yo, you seen my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
Hey, Psycho. Mind opening that crate?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You got my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
I’ll give you one, if you open that crate.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Woot.
(opens crate)
Hey, cool!

G.BONE rises up from where he was crouching behind the control console.

G.BONE
No exploding hamsters?
No tentacle monsters wanting
to have sex with people?
No kumquats?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nope. Just a load of porn.
A lot of porn.

G.BONE looks around.

G.BONE
Hey, what’s that rumbling sound.
It sounds like a stampede…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY sits tinkering with the engine.

THANDE walks in carrying a large cardboard thing.

DAVE HOWERY
(looks up)
What do you want?

THANDE
And a happy day to you, arsehat.

DAVE HOWERY
Look. Can’t you guys just leave me alone?

THANDE
So you can mope about and sob by yourself?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes.

THANDE
There’s a big shipment of porn that just came in.
Why don’t you take a few?

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not interested.

THANDE
(stares)
What has happened to you?

DAVE HOWERY
Get out of here.

THANDE
It’s a good thing then, that I came to bring you this.

THANDE stands the cardboard thing before DAVE HOWERY. We see it’s a cut out of KEIRA KNIGHTLY.

DAVE HOWERY
What the fuck is that?

THANDE
There are times when a man gets lonely.
And he just has to be reminded of things.

DAVE HOWERY
Where the fuck did you get that?

THANDE
(grinning)
Made it meself.

DAVE HOWERY
(glaring)
Why are there spots worn thin?

THANDE
(nervous laugh)
Uh… right.
(cocks head)
What’s that? I’m needed in the Chem Lab?
(to Dave)
Sorry, mate. I have to go. Needed and whatnot.

THANDE quickly leaves the Engineering Bay.

DAVE HOWERY looks at the card board cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn crew.
This is why I chain Keira
to the radiator in my quarters.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND are carrying large armfuls of porn.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, I’m so gonna look at all theses… tonight.

DIAMOND
Screw that. I’m looking at them right now.
(dumps porn)
Oooo.. Yeah…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(uncomfortable)
You know you’re not wearing pants, right?

DIAMOND
Hell yes I do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(about to throw up)
I’m so outta here.
(flees)

DIAMOND
(opening magazine)
Daddy like….

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY paces in front of the cardboard cut out.

DAVE HOWERY
This is stupid. This is very stupid.
I should just throw you in the trash.
(stares at cutout)
I really should.
(shakes head)
No. that would be wrong. I can’t do that.
Not to you. Never to you.
(growls)
Stupid Thande and his perverted ways.
Why would he make a cutout of you?
Because he’s a pervert that’s why.
They all are.
I can see their lusting eyes.
I can see them nudging and winking at one another.
This is why I never brought a girl to the ship before.
Because I’ve had other girls, non programmed to love me girls.
I know how these asshats are. They swarm everything
that’s good and make it sick and wrong.
See what just happened now? A shipment of porn comes in
and like a plague of locust they swarm all over it. Picking it clean
and scurrying off to their respective hidey holes to beat themselves
to a pulp. What kind of people do that? Bad people. That’s what kind.
Evil creepy dirty people. People who corrupt everything they touch.
Its like I’m the only sane person here, the one who sees everything so clearly.
(pauses, taking breath)
You know what I’m talking about right?

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, you’re the only one that understands me. You’re
the only one who can see with clear eyes. You see what
kind of perverts they are. You see what they’re doing.
Disgusting.
(stares afar)
Something needs to be done.
Something…

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what needs to be done, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha…
(blinks then nods)
I know what I have to do.
I have to kill the crew.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
Only you can do it, Dave.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

BOBO floats across the screen, emitting a low humming noise. TORQUMADA can be seen behind a large glass window, a large blood splattered window. His back is turned and we can see something ungodly twitching on the examining table.

The Med Bay door whisks open and PSYCHOMELTDOWN staggers in. He looks confused and has his hands before him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Torq!
Dude, you here?

TORQUMADA
(sighs)
What do you want, Psycho.
I’m kinda busy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I got me a problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix ugly.
You’re stuck that way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq. I got me a different problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix size.
You’re stuck that way

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq.
I seem to be blinded.

Pull in on PSYCHOMELTDOWN and we see his eyes are milked over.

INT. – HUB – PUT – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT leans close to STRATEGYGIRL, breathing heavily.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?

STRATEGYGIRL
Looking for a guy like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning foolishly)
Really?
Normally girls are looking for
the opposite of guys like me.

STRATEGYGIRL
Oh, but I like guys like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re pretty.
Did I tell you that?

STRATEGYGIRL
A girl can’t be told enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
Too pretty…
I mean, I’ve seen pretty. But you…
Too pretty. Suspiciously pretty.

STRATEGYGIRL
Now that’s something girls don’t like to hear.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no. It’s just… I’ve never seen your kind of pretty here.
Its like… its like… too pretty to be here kind of pretty.
Makes a guy who’s had about zero
experience with women kinda suspicious.

STRATEGYGIRL
I am what I am.

DOCTOR WHAT
I like you.
Can I have sex with you?

STRATEGYGIRL
Who knows what the future holds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins foolishly)
I have s ship. A big ship.

STRATEGYGIRL
I’ll have to see that.
(smiles)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

KIT walks down the corridor, a towel over his shoulder and wearing a speedo and flip flops.

KIT
(whistling)
oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.
He’ll be coming about the mountain,
When he comes.

There’s a revving sound.

KIT stops and looks over his shoulder.

Nothing.

KIT
(shrugs)
Oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.

He stops again. Looking over his shoulder.

KIT
Honestly, what is that noise?

He turns and faces DAVE HOWERY.

KIT
Dave? What’s wrong? You got that
crazy woodsman look in your eyes.

DAVE HOWERY
Pervert.

KIT
(shrugs)
We all have our faults.
You just gotta accept it.

DAVE HOWERY
PERVERT!!!!!
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY KEIRA!!!!

KIT
With a woman? Are you serious?

DAVE HOWERY pulls out a chain saw, it roars to life.

KIT begins screaming.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK is sitting in the command chair, reading a magazine.

The comm unit chimes. He looks at it and shakes his head, returning to reading.

The comm unit chimes again.

He sighs and hits a button.

LANDSHARK
What?

TORQUMADA
Landshark. I think we have a problem.

LANDSHARK
I told you, its going to cost you double if you
want me to dispose of one of your creations again.
The last time it nearly bit my leg off.

TORQUMADA
No, not that. We can talk about that one later.
Right now, I think we have a medical emergency.

LANDSHARK
What kind.

TORQUMADA
(dramatic pause)
The Crew has gone BLIND!

LANDSHARK
(unimpressed)
So?

TORQUMADA
This qualifies as a medical emergency

LANDSHARK
I’m not blind.
By the looks of it, you’re not too.
So the whole crew isn’t affected.

TORQUMADA
Yes, but a large majority of the crew is.

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
what do you want me to do about it?

TORQUMADA
You’re technically in charge aren’t you?
Since Doc, Grey, and IronYuppie are off the ship.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie isn’t in the chain of command.

TORQUMADA
Come on, Landshark.
Lets be honest here.

LANDSHARK
I’m hanging up on you.

TORQUMADA
But we need to –

The comm unit dies.

LANDSHARK
Torq? You there?
Hello? Hello?
(growls)
You hung up on ME????

Suddenly the hatch to the Control Room is thrown open and Kit jumps in. He slams the hatch close and locks it.

LANDSHARK rises from the command chair.

LANDSHARK
Now what the bloody hell is going on here.
(looks at Kit)
Gods above, Kit. Put on some pants.

KIT
Dave!
He’s gone crazy!

LANDSHARK
Tell me something I don’t know.

KIT
He’s trying to kill me.

LANDSHARK
At this moment, if I had a weapon,
I’d be trying to do that same too.
Jebus, why are you wearing a speedo?

KIT
I was going to the pool.

LANDSHARK
We have a pool?

KIT
Focus, Landshark.
Dave’s gone absolutely nutters.
He thinks I’m trying to sleep with Keira.
I don’t even like girls!

LANDSHARK
(scratching head)
Yeah, even bat shit insane Dave knows you’re the
only one not looking to shag his fake woman.
(sighs)
I guess I’m gonna have to call Doc.
(hits comm unit, nothing happens)
The hell?

KIT
The comm units are all dead.
He cut the cables and destroyed
the machinery as I ran from him.

LANDSHARK
Well, isn’t that bloody convenient.

Suddenly a roaring sound fills the room. Sparks begin to fly from the hatch.

KIT
I think he’s trying to cut his way in!

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave! Kit’s not trying to sleep with Keira!

DAVE HOWERY
(from behind the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both.

LANDSHARK
Now, I’m included in this?
What the fuck?

DAVE HOWERY
(from beyond the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both!

The hatch falls from its hinges in a shower of sparks.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you all!!!

LANDSHARK and KIT flee through the side hatch.

LANDSHARK
Great, just fucking great.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MOSQUITO is leading a group of people HENDRYK, G.BONE, and GBW.

MOSQUITO
So, what happened to you guys?

GBW
We went blind. It seems.

MOSQUITO
This happens often?

GBW
About never.

MOSQUITO
Dude, that sucks.

G.BONE
I know.
I was just getting into the Big Jugs catalog.

HENDRYK
And how I was enjoying the tentacle porn mag.

MOSQUITO
How about you, GBW.
What were you enjoying.

GBW
None of your business.

G.BONE
I think he took the Manlove Illustrated mag.

GBW
You shut your filthy mouth.

There’s suddenly a revving sound.

G.BONE
Uh.. what was that?

MOSQUITO
I think someone’s revving a chain saw.

GBW
Dave?
You out there?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!
I’ll kill you all!
You’re trying to seduce my Keira!!!

MOSQUITO
Dude, I’m not.

DAVE HOWERY
(pauses)
Nah, you’re cool Mosquito.
I know you’re not after her.
But these guys.. these guys…
I’ll kill you all!!!!

The three begin screaming.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT are walking down the corridor.

LANDSHARK
You can stop holding my hand now.

KIT
Oh, right.

LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell is going on anyway?
Torq says everyone’s gone blind.
(suspiciously)
Why aren’t you blind?

KIT
Me? I don’t know.

LANDSHARK
(touches wall panel)
Leo? Leo, you there?

KIT
He’s offline, it seems.
Dave did it, before he went bonkers.

LANDSHARK
Give it to the raving lunatic to turn off the
main computer, before he tries killing everyone.

KIT
He scares me.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, when you don’t shave for
years on end, that tends to happen.

Suddenly MOSQUITO, G.BONE, GBW, and HENDRYK stumble into the corridor.

MOSQUITO looks shaken.

MOSQUITO
I think I killed him.
There was so much blood.

LANDSHARK
(grabbing hold of Mosquito)
What happened?

GBW
Dave tried killing us.
He said we were trying to sleep with Keira.

G.BONE
Guy’s nutters!

KIT
I know, right!

HENDRYK
He was raving and revving his chainsaw
and I think Mosquito attacked him.

MOSQUITO
There was so much blood.
(looks ill)

LANDSHARK slaps MOSQUITO.

LANDSHARK
Get a hold of yourself, man... bug thing.
Tell me what happened.

MOSQUITO
Dave attacked the others, then I hit him.
He fell over and hit his head…there was so much blood.
(begins sobbing)

LANDSHARK
so he hit his head?
That should-

A revving sound begins.

LANDSHARK
Aw, bugger. A little hit isn’t going to stop him.

KIT
He’s coming! Run!

The six flee.

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is pacing around.

DAVE HOWERY
I can’t kill them all if they keep running away.
I need to trap them somehow.
I need to gather them all together.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
I need to gather them together.
(begins laughing insanely)
They’ll not touch you, Keira.
They’ll never touch you.

We see the cardboard cutout strapped to DAVE’s back.

DAVE HOWERY
Need to get them together.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave…

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

LANDSHARK, KIT, MOSQUITO, GBW, G.BONE, and HENDRYK stumble into the Med Bay. TORQUMADA looks up from where he’s examining DIAMOND. On the other beds are the rest of the crew, all blinded and moaning.

TORQUMADA
And that makes everyone. I can’t
get a hold of Doc, Grey, Oth, or Lee.

LANDSHARK
Yes, comm’s dead. Computer’s off.
Doc and Grey are off the ship.

TORQUMADA
What the hell are we going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave’s gone bat shit crazy again.
Something about people trying to sleep with Keira.

TORQUMADA
What else is new?

LANDSHARK
He’s trying to kill everyone.

TORQUMADA
Well…

LANDSHARK
What’s the status?

TORQUMADA
Everyone seems to be blind.
I’m not sure why. It’s getting
progressively worse, in any case.

LANDSHARK
They’re getting more blind?

TORQUMADA
No, it seems their eyeballs are atrophying.
In a few hours they’ll be useless.

LANDSHARK
Well, you can grow new ones, right?

TORQUMADA
No.

LANDSHARK
Shit. What can we do to reverse it?

TORQUMADA
Not everything can be reversed.

LANDSHARK
Of course it can. There isn’t a disease,
virus, or STD we’ve not miraculously
come up with a cure for in a few
stressed hours.

TORQUMADA
I don’t see how we can…

LANDSHARK
Now, we have to discover what caused this.
Is there anything they all shared? Partook in?

TORQUMADA
I’m not sure.

G.BONE
There was that big
shipment of porn we got in.
Everyone took some.

KIT
There was porn?

G.BONE
Mostly heterosexual porn.

KIT
Mostly? Where’d the
non heterosexual porn go?

G.BONE
GBW? You know?

GBW
Shut up.

LANDSHARK
Quiet, children.
Tell me, where is this porn located?

G.BONE
Everywhere, I guess.
But the container is still
in the Teleportation Tube Room.

LANDSHARK
We’ll need to examine that container.
It might give us some clues.

KIT
Playing detective now, are you?

LANDSHARK
Shut up, kitten. I’m thinking.

Suddenly there’s a squeal as the comm unit comes on.

VOICE
Hi, everyone. This is Leo,
I’m back online.

KIT
Leo? You sound funny.

VOICE
I had to reroute my vocal
processors through a few
different circuits. So its
making me sound funny.

KIT
You sound like Dave
trying to sound like Leo.

VOICE
Now, why would I do that?

KIT
Dunno, but its creeping me out.

LANDSHARK
Leo. Can you contact Doc
or Grey or Oth or Lee?

VOICE
Sorry, no outside communications.
Dave really did a number on them.
He’s so awesome and knows all about how to cripple
the ship easily. It only took him five minutes.
He’s super awesome.

KIT
Leo?

VOICE
You all need to come to the mess hall.
I can teleport you all off the ship in the mess hall.

LANDSHARK
This is giving me that not right
feeling in my bowels.

KIT
Can’t you just teleport us all out of the-

LANDSHARK
Kit no!

KIT
(cont)
med bay. We’re all in the med bay.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

VOICE
Med Bay, eh? You’re all in the med bay.
And I was looking to gather you all up in the Mess Hall.
Everyone sit tight, I’ll be right there.

KIT
How can you come here, I thought
you were still in the ship’s computers…

LANDSHARK
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

KIT
What?

LANDSHARK
That wasn’t Leo. That was Dave
pretending to be Leo. Now you’ve
just gone and told him where we all are.

KIT
So?
What is he going to do?

Suddenly the door to the Med Bay begins sparking and the roar of a chainsaw can be heard from outside.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

TORQUMADA
What are we going to do? That door can’t
hold him. Not in his bat shit crazy state.

LANDSHARK
We need to cure the crew and
we need to get Keira back onto the ship.

KIT
What’s Keira going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave went bat shit crazy
when Keira left.
What do you think?

KIT
Oh… right.
Jesus, talk about issues.

TORQUMADA
Get me a sample of the porn; I’ll see if I can identify
any contaminates on it that caused this blindness.

LANDSHARK
Kit. You get a sample of that container.
I’ll get Dave’s attention.

KIT
Oh, huzzah. I get to get porn.

TORQUMADA
Just don’t touch it. Here wear these gloves.

LANDSHARK
Right.
On the count of three. We make our escape.

INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MED BAY – DAY

KIT and LANDSHARK duck out through a side door.

LANDSHARK
Now you run. I’ll get his attention.

KIT
How?

LANDSHARK
Leave that to me.

KIT races off down the corridor.

DAVE HOWERY is being showered with sparks as he cuts through the med bay door.

DAVE HOWERY
Kill you all.
Kill you all.

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave!

DAVE HOWERY doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
Oi! Asshat!

DAVE HOWERY still doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
I slept with Keira!
And she loved every moment of it!
Said she’d never been satisfied like that before!
I did such unholy things to her!
I even-

The buzzing of the chainsaw has stopped and DAVE HOWERY stares at LANDSHARK, a look of pure hatred in his face.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fuck.

LANDSHARK turns and runs.

EXT – HUB – OUTSIDE HOTEL – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL and DOCTOR WHAT are standing out side the door.

STRATEGYGIRL
So, this is me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right.

STRATEGYGIRL
You want to come up?

DOCTOR WHAT
For coffee?

STRATEGYGIRL
No. Just sex.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned)
Huh?
(suspicious)
You want to have sex with me?

STRATEGYGIRL
Why do you keep sounding so suspicious?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re so pretty..
It’s just.. unnatural.

STRATEGYGIRL
So you coming up or not?

DOCTOR WHAT
You need not ask me twice.

DOCTOR WHAT races for the Hotel door, already pulling off his shirt.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK turns a corner and runs into OHTNIEL.

LANDSHARK
Oth! What the fuck are you-
Hey, you’re not blind!

OTHNIEL
What? What’s going on?
What do you mean blind?

LANDSHARK
Everyone on the ship is blind.
Dave has gone rat in a tin shithouse crazy again.

OTHNIEL
That would explain all the screaming that disrupted
my early early morning, early morning, morning,
mid morning, late mid morning, early afternoon,
afternoon, mid afternoon, late afternoon prayers.

LANDSHARK
Yes. Now Dave’s chasing me, Kit’s gone to the
Teleportation Room to find out what caused this.
It seems a container of porn arrived and somehow
infected the crew with blindness.

OTHNIEL
It’s the unholy touching they do when they gaze
upon the unclothed flesh of women.
This is God’s will.

LANDSHARK
Right. Right.
What I need you to do is get off the ship and
go find Keira at the spa she and Yuppie went to.
We need her back, she’s the only one that’ll calm down Dave.

OTHNIEL
I suppose.

LANDSHARK
Unless you want to be Dave bait?

OTHNIEL
No, I’ll go.

OTHNIEL hurries off.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY stops and pants, leaning against a bulkhead.

DAVE HOWERY
Fast, for a Englishman.
He said such horrible things. He needs to die.
I have to kill him.
He said such horrible things.

DAVE HOWERY rises up and staggers down the corridor.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave.
Only you can do it, Dave.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK bursts into the room.

LANDSHARK
Damn it, Kit. What’s taking so bloody long.

There’s a whimpering sound and KIT sits in the corner, head buried in his knees.

LANDSHARK
What the hell are you doing?

KIT looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
AW, BLOODY FUCKING HELL!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

KIT
I couldn’t help myself. There was this
GQ ad on the second page and…

LANDSHARK
Bloody hell!
Give me your gloves!

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT exit the Teleportation Room. LANDSHARK is carrying a piece of the container wrapped in plastic and held with the gloves.

Suddenly the revving of the chainsaw can be heard.

DAVE HOWERY
LANDSHARK!!!!!

LANDSHARK
Aw, crap.

KIT
He’s coming!
He’s coming!

LANDSHARK
Shut up and he won’t hear you.
We just keep going.

They scurry down the corridor, the sound of the chainsaw stalking them.

LANDSHARK
We’re almost there.

Suddenly DAVE HOWERY jumps in front of them.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!

LANDSHARK
Run!

KIT runs and slams into the bulkhead, knocking himself out.

LANDSHARK
Fuck

LANDSHARK drops the container and strips off the gloves.

LANDSHARK
Now, its you and me, colonial wanker.
A fight to the death.
And I meant everything I said about Keira.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you!

He charges.

LANDSHARK dodges the first wild sweep of the chainsaw, slugging DAVE HOWERY in the stomach. He’s rewarded with a grunt of pain, but gets backhanded by DAVE. LANDSHARK goes flying, bouncing off the bulkhead and collapsing on the deck.

LANDSHARK
Shit.

He gets back up.

LANDSHARK
That all you got?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!!!!

DAVE HOWERY charges again. LANDSHARK dodges the wild swing again, rolling to his feet behind DAVE, who slashes his chainsaw into the bulkhead. Its stuck there and he tries pulling it free.

LANDSHARK runs up and kicks DAVE in the crotch, which causes him to emit a low pitch squeal of pain, but not let go of the chainsaw. Instead DAVE kicks back, connecting with LANDSHARK’s stomach and sending the man flying away from him.

LANDSHARK
Aw, hell.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll just kill you the old fashioned way.

DAVE HOWERY releases his chainsaw and grabs LANDSHARK by the neck.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! DIE! DIEEEE!!!!

LANDSHARK gropes for a weapon, he grabs KIT’s flip flop and begins hitting DAVE with it. To no effect. His attempts go weaker and weaker.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! Die! Di-

Suddenly DAVE’s eyes roll up in the back of his head and he collapses upon LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Ow…
What the hell?

WEAPON M
Looked like you needed some help there, dude.

LANDSHARK
Where the hell have you been?
And why aren’t you blinded?

WEAPON M
Blinded?

LANDSHARK
You didn’t touch the porn did you?
Or the container it came in?

WEAPON M
Oh, that. Yeah, I got me a handful of it.

LANDSHARK
Then why aren’t you blind.

WEAPON M shrugs.

LANDSHARK
Everyone who touched the porn went blind.

WEAPON M
Guess I’m immune.
(grins)
I took some of the porn that came in,
got in the mood, so I went out and
picked up some chicks at the Pub,
had me some fun, and now I’m
just getting back.

LANDSHARK
(pushes Dave off of him)
No. Not immune. It just means you had
a little self-control and didn’t beat yourself
into a pulp like the rest of these stupid gits.
I suspect the blindness was not caused by the
porn itself, but by the combination of the porn
and the self-groping. What insidious mind
would come up with such a thing?

WEAPON M
Dude, guess they’re right.
Beat your meat and you’ll go blind.
But have sex with women of loose virtues
and morals and you’ll be fine.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, yeah. What the hell
are we going to do now?

WEAPON M
Guess we’ll have to tie up, Dave.

LANDSHARK
Lemme give this sample to Torq first.

The two enter the Med Bay and they see Torq sitting forlornly in a chair.

LANDSHARK
Torq, we got your sample.

TORQUMADA looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fucking hell!

INT. – MAIN ENTRANCE – HUB DAY SPA – DAY

OTHNIEL enters the day spa, out of breath. He bends over double, gasping for air.

GREETER
Can I help you, sir?

OTHNIEL looks up and is presented with a scantly clad woman.

His mouth opens and he doesn’t make a sound.

His eyes wander the main entrance and its filled with scantly clad men and women. His eyes about bug out.

GREETER
Sir?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oth? What’s wrong?

OTHNIEL’s gaze falls upon KEIRA KNIGHTLY, who’s also scantly clad.

His mouth drops further.

Then he faints.

INT. – HOTEL ROOM – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL is seeing pulling on her clothes. DOCTOR WHAT is lying in the bed, curled up in a fetal position. We can see him shake and quiver every now and then.

STRATEGYGIRL
How you feeling?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
What? You didn’t like that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
You can stay in the room.
It’s paid until tomorrow morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
Be seeing you, Doc.
(grins)

DOCTOR WHAT
(begins sobbing)

STRATEGYGIRL leaves the room, DOCTOR WHAT buries himself in the bed sheets.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK are sitting in the room, sipping tea.

DOCTOR WHAT
So Dave’s under control now?

LANDSHARK
Yeah, once Keira got back onboard he settled down.
Apologized for nearly killing everyone.

GREY WOLF
(laughs)
Some people are just down right strange.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, glad to see no one got hurt.

GREY WOLF
Torq says in about two days everyone will get their vision back.
Thande claimed it was similar to the combination of chemicals
that turned that one world we visited blind.
Just a more sophisticated version. Torq whipped
up a cure and the crew’ll be back to their usual in a few days.

DOCTOR WHAT
And the porn?

GREY WOLF
Oth gleefully burned it all.
Then strangely went blind afterward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Anyone taking claim for this little misadventure?

GREY WOLF
Nope.
All’s quiet.

LANDSHARK
Maybe it’s just a wonky accident.

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn laced with a blindness chemical
delivered randomly to our ship?
I think not.
There’s an insidious evil mind working here.

GREY WOLF
So how did your little romp go?

DOCTOR WHAT
Romp?

GREY WOLF
I say you heading off with the attractive young woman.
And you didn’t come in until this morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shivers)
She didn’t turn out to be what she appeared to be…

LANDSHARK
What? Was she a man?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shudders)
No. something worse.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER sit at a table. A figure sits before them, the chemical burned MIRROR THANDE.

WARD
You said the blindness was permanent.

MIRROR THANDE
What can I say? My counterparts can whip up miracle cures.
We’re all geniuses like that.

WARD
I’m only giving you half.

MIRROR THANDE
Whatever. Just give me my money.

GRIMM REAPER slides a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE looks at it.

MIRROR THANDE
One that isn’t packed with exploding hamsters.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a different brief case across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
(rolls eyes)
One that isn’t filled with molesting tentacles.

GRIMM REAPER
It seems my tricks are getting well known.

GRIMM REAPER pushes a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
Nice doing business with you.
Hope to do it again.

WARD
Send my regards to your captain.

MIRROR THANDE nods and walks off. Another figure slides into the seat before WARD. WARD covers his eyes.

STRATEGYGIRL
That was actually fun, y’know?

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad you enjoyed that.
Pay her, Grimm.
No, don’t try to kill her,
just pay her.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a briefcase across the table.

STRATEGYGIRL
I think I’ve ruined him for any other woman.
You should have heard his weeping.

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad. But you underestimate him.
He’ll be back in the saddle in a few days.

STRATEGYGIRL
Then why?

WARD
(eyes covered)
Because I felt like it.
Now, if you don’t mind.
Please leave.

STRATEGYGIRL gets up and leaves.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, she was an attractive girl.

WARD
Yeah, but she ain’t what she appears.
Trust me, just don’t look at her for too long.
You’ll regret it.

GRIMM REAPER
(shakes head)
So now instead of just outright
trying to shoot the AH.commers,
we’re just messing with their minds?

WARD
Oh, this is just the opening number
for what I have in plan for them.

GRIMM REAPER
Sounds insidious.

WARD
It is.
Just you wait.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

11Jul/110

4×03 – The Planet of Porn

TEASER

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM – DAY

CHRIS is sitting in a chair, staring at the audience..

CHRIS
Good Morning, fellow AH.COMMERS. It has come to my
attention that some of you have not been leaving comments
for my stories. As anyone could tell you…this is very demoralising a
nd is contributing to my poverty.
(Pause)
And we all know what the cure for poverty is, don’t we?

KID
Money?

CHRIS
Quite right, money! If you want me to write more,
you could pay me, or at least
(screams)
LEAVE A COMMENT, YOU STUPID WANKERS!

CHRIS stops, gasping for breath. There is a long pause.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
CHRIS, get on with it!

CHRIS
(puzzled)
Get on with what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I said you could have this little rant if you
wrote a second AH.COM episode, remember?

CHRIS
(quickly)
I did?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
YES!

CHRIS
Ah, come on, they deserve a break from adventures for just one week.
Think of how much better it would be if I just wrote twenty pages of
ranting about the bastards who don’t comment…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And keep it clean, this time. We
want to break into the children’s market.
There’s an ass load of money to be
made in the children’s market.

CHRIS
(outraged)
Clean? Me? What about the sex? The drugs?
The rock and roll? Landie’s relationship with Erikka?
We are not suitable for children…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well? I want fan service! I want a script that
will make people say…’why, that PSYCHOMELTDOWN,
he has a talent for getting the best out of people’.

CHRIS
You’d be better off offering huge cash bribes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you get to use this as a
platform for your right-wing views.

CHRIS
All right, all right, I’ll get on with it.
(mutters)
Me thinks that Indian man speaks with forked tongue.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m writing…

CHRIS
Don’t you mean waiting?

The title scenes start to roll as PSYCHOMELTDOWN advances on CHRIS with a threatening air.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“THE PLANET OF PORN”

Written By: CHRIS

ACT 1

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET is under attack by three smaller ships, battling it out for supremacy in a display that would awe any SFviewer.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Captain, enemy ships are closing in and firing heavy weapons.

CHRIS
All shields to max, open fire!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET rocks under a hail of fire from the enemy ships.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
One enemy ship destroyed, two more closing in and firing…
(beat)
They’re hailing us!

CHRIS
Open communications.

The viewsceen lights up with a dark-skinned man wearing a Turkish Fez. It is, of course, ABDUL HADI PASHA

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of the
Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender your
ship at once or be destroyed!

CHRIS’s mouth drops wide open and his face goes very pale.

CHRIS
I knew it! They said I was mad, they said I was
a right-winger, but look at me now! I was right!
(pause)
I wish Hendryk was here to see this!
(back to ABDUL)
Surrender, never!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
I shall pray for your soul.
(to his crew)
Open fire!

CHRIS
(To ADAM)
Arm all weapons! Prepare the final instruments
of doom and gloom! Launch the Kratman Missiles!
Launch the Ringo Plasma Cannons. Launch the Styrn Guns!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The enemy ships rock under the weight of the fire, but all of them remain intact.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Our weapons are ineffective!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(Gloating) Don’t you know that all of them predicted the inevitable Caliphate?

CHRIS
Damn!

ADAM
Sir, we’ve got another ship coming in…it’s the AH.COM!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM races into the battle!

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT takes action.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, DMA, target those ships and
drive them off the CTT.NET, now!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(appearing on viewscreen) You sons of dogs
are well known as the most immoral bunch
of inter-dimensional explorers in the history
of the Multiverse!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling at the praise) Who the hell are you?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of
the Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender
your ship at once or be destroyed!

HENDRYK
(protesting)
But there is nothing inevitable about the Caliphate

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(leering)
and why don’t you just keep thinking that, eh?

CHRIS breaks into the viewscreen, shoving ABDUL to one side. They shove backwards and forwards until there is an uneasy truce, with each face taking up half the screen.

CHRIS
I told you so!

HENDRK is about to say something, but KIT beats him to it..

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Lover! I missed you so!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(shocked)
Um...what?

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Don’t you remember our times together?

CHRIS
Of course he does…

Shooting breaks out on ABDUL’s bridge.

GBW
The enemy ships are moving away.
(Pause)
Now they’ve jumped out and vanished.

CHRIS
A triumph for bigotry over common sense.

INT. – AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, CHRIS, we seem to have saved your arse again.

CHRIS
(To HENDRK)
I told you so!

HENDRYK
(angry)
Your bloody people made it come true!

CHRIS
Don’t worry, I looked into China’s history
in that world. It never happened.
(Pause)
In fact, China never existed there

The camera closes in on HENDRYK..

HENDRYK
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

CHRIS
(over him) All right, all right…

HENDRYK
…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

DOCTOR WHAT
(over him)
Shut up!

HENDRYK keeps screaming until IRONYUPPIE slaps him and carts him off to her dungeon. I mean her cabin. Hem hem..

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that’s settled…what about the loot?

CHRIS
(carefully)
What loot?

DOCTOR WHAT
The last time we talked, you said you had
something for me if I helped you again.
I seem to have saved your butt.

KIT
I saved his butt
(eyes CHRIS)
Say, how about a night in my cabin as a reward?

CHRIS edges away..

CHRIS
Ah…as founding member of the
AH.COM BUSH LOVERS SOCIETY…

HENDRYK
(In distance)
ONLY Member!

CHRIS
I have to keep my homosexual exploits under wraps.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Bruno, I have the goods, the goods, and nothing but the goods.
(pulls a CD out of his pocket)
I went on a quest, chatted up many lovely ladies,
and finally hunted down the man behind this nightmare,
and then grabbed him and took the disc from him.
(To himself)
No one must know I found it in the toilet.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
I have here the key to the greatest treasure
in the Multiverse…the Planet of Porn!

The crew stare at the CD as if it contained the secret to eternal life.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
Give that here, now!

CHRIS
Finish Snake Oil first!

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a pen and writes with frantic speed..

DOCTOR WHAT
There, done! Now, give me the CD?

CHRIS
I must warn you that there’s a curse…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grabbing CD)
Never mind that, get out of here; we have a
quest to find the PLANET OF PORN!
(Pause)
What? You’re still here?

Dramatic music plays.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, find me that damn world!

LEO
Humm….

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind thinking about it, just hurry up!

The camera pans around to reveal all the crew, waiting to hear the results..

LEO
Humm….the CD definitely seems to contain a location,
Bruno; it really does look like a world where there is…

He pauses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where there is porn, Bruno, lots and lots of porn!

LEO
Quite right, Doc.

OTHNIEL
We must go there at once!

DOCTOR WHAT
I knew we’d finally get you turned around…
(Pause)
You’re going to suggest that we save them all from porn, right?

OTHNIEL nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, we’ll save them all from porn by…
(OTHNIEL looks hopeful)
Transferring it all onboard this ship!
(Turns to helm.)
Landie…wait a minute, you’re not LANDSHARK!

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I was the only one who bothered
to suggest something, so I guess CHRIS gave
me the greatest roles...

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine, fine, set a course for the planet of porn!
(Pause)
Oh, and Erika, would you mind
putting OTHNIEL out of the way?

The scene fades out as IRONYUPPIE drags OTHNIEL away.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM turns and vanishes into a vortex.

MUCH LATER

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM emerges out of a vortex

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
(Tugging on his tunic)
Report!

DAVE HOWERY
(VERY bad Scottish accent)
The engines canna take it any more,
Captain; we’re gonna blow.

DOCTOR WHAT
(To himself)
I told you it wasn’t funny the first time.
What makes you think the hundredth time would make it so?

DAVE HOWERY
It just will, damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, for God’s sake, report!

LEO
(Portentous voice)
Bruno, B-Man…we are in orbit above the planet of porn, but…

The crew race out of the door, struggling to pass through it, finally kicked through by IRONYUPPIE. LEO tries to say something, but every time he speaks, the noise of the scum overwhelms him.

LEO
But they didn’t hear me complete my report…

Ominous music begins to play.

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The crew appear with a loud pop.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where’s my porn?

LANDSHARK
Do you ever think about anything else?

DOCTOR WHAT
By IAN, I do believe I don’t. Naughty Bruno.

They catch sight of a shop and DOCTOR WHAT leads the charge. The shop is selling Porn. Lots and lots of porn.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve hit the mother lode, lads…

KIT
Doc, have a look around.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around. The team is surrounded by naked men and women, none of whom look the slightest bit aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT
What in the name of…co-ed spanking nurses is going on?

LEO
(Over com) You should have let me finish, B-Man.
(Evilly)
These puny fleshlings have seen so much porn that they’re immune to it.
(Pause)
HA-HA!

DOCTOR WHAT’s face pales.

DOCTOR WHAT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is still screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

TORQUMADA
Let me try this…

He pulls out a small device and zaps DOCTOR WHAT with it. DOCTOR WHAT stops screaming and falls over.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groaning)
What the hell hit me?
(beat)
Get away from my wallet! Fiends!

LANDSHARK
(Maliciously)
You just found out that all the men and women
on this planet were not strangely aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT’S eyes roll back in his head, but IRONYUPPIE slaps him before he can faint, or start screaming again.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, what the hell happened here?

LEO
I can’t help you, Bruno; I fear that
I am a little indisposed at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(under breath) Damn computer
(Pause)
All right, I guess it’s up to us to find out what’s happened here.
(Glances around and sees a naked lady)
I think we’ll ask her.

The crew walk over to the lady, a blonde bombshell. Despite her nakedness, and the looks she is getting from the remainder of the crew, she doesn’t seem at all uneasy in their presence, although she eyes DOCTOR WHAT’s crotch and tries to hide a snigger. She is beautiful beyond words, with large breasts and other things I would detail, where it not for the death threats from PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pardon me, Madam.

KILNGIRL
You have an erection!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nonplussed)
Yes…

LANDSHARK
(Quickly)
What? That little thing?

KILNGIRL
(With dignity)
It’s the biggest erection that anyone has had
here since the damn pornmaster arrived.

DOCTOR WHAT
But you don’t find it strangely arousing?

KILNGIRL
(Embarrassed) Umm, well…
(coughs)
But you are not affected?

DOCTOR WHAT
The short version of the tale is that we’re from an
alternate world and we came here to find the porn.
(Pause, speaks in false doctor’s voice)
What happened, my dear?

KILNGIRL
Oh, it was terrible. One day, Parliament passed the Porn Laws,
allowing the sale of Porn everywhere…and those who didn’t like
it were exterminated in the Porn Wars.

THANDE coughs loudly. Everyone looks at him.

KILNGIRL
Porn was everywhere and everyone watched it. They watched it
from dawn till dusk and then they found that nothing turned them
on any more. It became more and more extreme, darker and darker,
and still…none of our men could get hard. We women weren’t much
better; we couldn’t even muster the energy to lie back and think
of England, and…well, the birth rate in this place has fallen…

MATT
(Hopefully)
We all have erections and I’m sure that a former
US Marine could satisfy your cravings.

KILNGIRL
(Sadly)
The soldiers won’t fuck and they won’t fight.
(To herself)
And I don’t have any cravings.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Don’t you understand?
Porn killed this world!

KLINGIRL leaves. Behind her, the AH.COMMERS watch her go.

LANDSHARK
Hey, DOC, did you ever know
that your addition could be harmful?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Angry)
WE ARE GOING TO SAVE
THESE PEOPLE,
UNDERSTAND?

TORQUMADA
(doctor mode)
well, it’s clear that the cause was the porn, so we
should simply open fire on it and blow it away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hypnotised tone)
Porn is not to blame. Porn is good.
(IRONYUPPIE slaps him)
Ouch. All right; LEO, where is the pornmaster based?

LEO
(On Com)
Where else, B-Man? Edinburgh castle

The crew look up towards the castle. It has been replaced with a vaguely phallic shape, sticking up into the sky.

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course…come on, come on…

The crew start to walk towards the castle. A montage of shots as they walk, revealing more naked men and women, other men and women dressed up in sexy outfits and still others trying desperately to arouse themselves. A phonespammer flies around, selling Viagra, but somehow it isn’t enough to make people interested in sex once again. The entire city is dull and listless, no one is drinking, fighting or even leering at the naked women.

THANDE
Stop it! Stop it now!

LANDSHARK
WTF is he on about?

IRONYUPPIE
I think he’s been drinking his own creations again…

DOCTOR WHAT glares at her…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
This nightmare will come to an end!

IRONYUPPIE
Isn’t he cute when he tries to be firm?

LANDSHARK
(astonished)
I thought that that was what you always said to me!

IRONYUPPIE
It isn’t cute when you’re not firm.
(shakes hard)
Honestly, men. Once day, we’ll replace them all
with robo-men from the planet of the Large Men
with Massive Pleasure Appendixes.

MATT
Sexist. Why can’t it be the planet of the Large Women
with Enormous Pleasure Appendixes?

IRONYUPPIE
I think we’ve been to that planet before.
That world full of transsexuals.

LANDSHARK
See, MATT, a world for you.

IRONYUPPIE
HAH!

MATT
I. HATE. YOU. ALL.

DOCTOR WHAT
Here we are…and onwards we go,
into the belly of the beast,
rode the six hundred, onwards,
ever onwards, to the setting of the sun…

LEO
(Breaking in)
Doc, I think you’ve got your poems mixed up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Would I get something wrong?

IRONYUPPIE
Well, there was that moment when you went to bed
with that transgendered priest from universe 765676583.
There was that time when you tried to attack the Hub.
There was that time when you didn’t comment on
CHRIS’s latest master piece…

CHRIS
(off) Note subtext here.

IRONYUPPIE
(Continuing) .
There was that time when you trusted WARD.
There was that time when you tried to make love to me and
couldn’t get it up. There was that time when you were knocking
ATA up. There was that time when…

MUCH later…

IRONYUPPIE
There was that time when…

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, I’ve made a few screwy decisions in my time…

IRONYUPPIE
A few?

DOCTOR WHAT
But we have to save these people, Erica; please…

IRONYUPPIE
(graciously)
Very well, BRUNO; let us enter the castle.

INT. – EDINBURGH CASTLE – DAY

The Castle’s interior is cold and grey, a relief after spending time in the streets of the warped city. The Crew advance, weapons at the ready, though a set of corridors in which nothing can be seen, but images of a strange face that seems somehow impossible to see clearly. The crew examine the images from time to time, but none of them resolve into a face. The only sign of life is faint music from down the corridor, so naturally the crew go to investigate.

The corridor opens suddenly into a balcony, overlooking a large bedroom. They peer down, and see an astonishingly beautiful girl…ah, servicing a handsome man with an enormous pecker. The sight is so astonishing that it takes the crew a moment to realise who it is…it’s MATT!

MATT
Well…fuck me.

IRONYUPPIE
That must be the most appropriate use of those words ever.

FLOID enters from a side door.

FLOID
(To ALT-MATT) .
Come along, you impotent scrum; shoot your wad
so we can get on with the screen where she slaps
your face, dumps you, and goes off with those
damn lesbians your counterpart created!

The crew (except MATT) bursts out laughing. FLOID looks up and sees them.

FLOID
What the…you!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Yes, us. Pornmaster! Once again, we clash…
first you stole the ship of a friend of mine…

FLOID
And that bastard went off and sold my porn,
after telling me that it had all been deleted.

LANDSHARK
(To himself)
So that’s how he hired those ghost writers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him with the ease of long practice)
And now you have stripped this world of its
capability for finding Porn arousing. You will
suffer like no man has ever suffered!

FLOID
A fate worse than death?

IRONYUPPIE
Of course not, you bastard; worse than that!

FLOID
A fate worse than a fate worse than death?
What did I ever do to you people anyway?

MATT
You didn’t let me get laid!

KIT
You made me sleep with girls!

DOCTOR WHAT’s comlink buzzes

OTHNIEL
You exposed me to naked women!
It was almost as bad as being a Mormon.

FLOID
Apart from that? What have I done to you recently?

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU are going to pay. I am going to take you back to the Hub,
where the Great and Mighty IAN will stand in judgement over you,
using his godlike powers to make you pay for what you have done!

FLOID
But you don’t understand…
(a lone violin plays ‘hearts and flowers’)
I’m not the one in charge here.

DOCTOR WHAT
(not believing him for a nanosecond)
Really?

FLOID
When I left the CTT.NET, I found myself lost in
the Multiverse, until I encountered HIM.

DOCTOR WHAT
HIM?

FLOID
But there are so much more interesting things to do.
Why not star in one of my epics? All of you, except him
(points to MATT)
could star…

IRONYUPPIE
Are you daring to suggest that I should…
put on a show for thousands of viewers?

FLOID
Of course
(Eyes her)
You would look just right tied to a bed, while your boyfriend there
(nods to LANDSHARK)
could advance on you, pretending to be attacking you and…

LANDSHARK
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE flattens him with a punch, and then advances on FLOID.

IRONYUPPIE
If you suggest anything else along those lines,
I will rip your spine out and use it for purposes
so unspeakable that no one will speak of them.

LANDSHARK
(Dazed, on floor)
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE
Shut up!
(To FLOID)
Now, WTF is going on here?

FLOID
The man took me and told me to produce Porn, using
this world as a base, and then give them all the Porn.
We made tons of Porn and just…gave it away.
(He starts sobbing)
We made all that lovely porn and we can’t even benefit from it!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Outraged)
A crime against humanity!

IRONYUPPIE
Gee, Doc, weren’t you talking
about punishing this guy?

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t punish a man who’s
so obviously a victim, can I?

FLOID runs out the door. A moment later, he is followed by hundreds of nude women and a handful of nude men, fleeing for their lives.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
That’s the way to go, my friends; after them!

GBW
Weren’t we trying to catch the person responsible for all this?

DOCTOR WHAT pauses just long enough for all the women to escape.

LANDSHARK
You just had to use logic
and reason, didn’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, GBW is right
(Pause)
A new personal best for him, eh?
(Pause)
Come on, we have to find the person
responsible for all this…GBW has spoken.

IRONYUPPIE
(under breath)
Now what’s gotten into him?

The crew advance down the corridor and finally come into a large room, obviously designed by some jerkass out to take over the world. There is a massive chair in the centre of the room, with its back turned so the crew cannot see who’s sitting there, gazing at the monitors that show an series of different images, half of them porn. One of the monitors is focused on the crew, clearly taken by a camera high above them…

WEAPON M
Time for some action here!

He points his BFG up at the ceiling and unleashes a blast of plasma fire into the camera.

LANDSHARK
(Angry)
You stupid…what are you again?
You’ve just told him we’re here!

IRONYUPPIE
(Whispering)
Plan, Doc?

The figure in the chair, still hidden from their view, speaks. The voice is oddly familiar, but no one can place it.

FIGURE
Do you think you can hide from me?
(Pause)
I have watched you ever since you landed on my world.
(Pause)
And you are now quaking in terror
at the mere thought of my name…

DOCTOR WHAT
MIKE COLLINS?

IRONYUPPIE
No, Doc, it’s KADYAT

HENDRYK
No, that’s WARD.

FIGURE
(Booming)
You are all wrong!

The Figure spins around, revealing a short teenage boy with spotty skin and unshaven face, his hair oiled and sinking, his belly exposed and fat enough for three brats, his glasses too large for his face, his…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell are you?

FIGURE
(Booming)
I am SUPERNOOB!
(The Superman Theme Tune plays)
And I am your DOOM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Puzzled) I beg your pardon?

SUPERNOOB
SUPERNOOB! I was banned from
the Hub by his Idiotness IAN!

DOCTOR WHAT
Doesn’t ring a bell

SUPERNOOB
I posted insults about IAN to the board!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about the Jews!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told the pakis to go back
home and stay there!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told CHRIS that he was a stupid
bastard for sleeping with an Indian girl!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about Extinction Event!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Furious)
Why, you little…but I still haven’t heard of you.

SUPERNOOB
I said Hitler was right to exterminate the Jews!

LANDSHARK
Oh, boy, you’re playing with fire.

SUPERNOOB
I posted great plans to
exterminate all the Muslims!

IRONYUPPIE
So you’re a pathetic little
brat with an attention fixation.
(Pause)
I know how to deal with people like you
(To LANDSHARK)
Landie, go and fetch my cane.
(To SUPERNOOB)
Bend over and drop your pants.

SUPERNOOB’s face lights up and he stumbles to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Worried)
Umm…Erika, I think he might actually enjoy that.

IRONYUPPIE
He won’t when I’ve finished with him.

GBW has been checking his Blackberry.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be some mistake…
ah, SUPERNOOB. You’re not banned.

SUPERNOOB
By the beard of Osema Bin Ladin!

GBW
You’re not in the Hall of Infamy, you’re not
listed under Kicked. You’re not even warned…

MATT
(Evilly)
If a NOOB is squawking and no
one hears him, does he make a sound?

SUPERNOOB
(Furious)
But I have a right to be banned! I demand to be banned!
(Pause)
Oh, and I have a right to be caned as well.

IRONYUPPIE
Oh, shut up. I’ve saving my wrist for
taking all of this out on Landie later
(pause)
Hell, why wait? Landie, bend over!

EVERYONE ELSE
The FORKS! The FORKS!

SUPERNOOB
And now I will destroy you all! I’ll blow you
into little pieces, and then I’ll blow them into
even smaller pieces, and then I’ll blow those
into even smaller pieces…

TORQUMADA
He’s gone mad with power!

THANDE
Oh, that’s your considered medical opinion, is it?

TORQUMADA
Do you have a better idea?

SUPERNOOB
(Annoyed)
Of course I’ve gone mad with power. Have you
ever gone mad without power? It’s boring.
No one listens to you.

IRONYUPPIE
And that line was nicked from the Simpsons.

DOCTOR WHAT steps forward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Fatherly)
Now look here, son…you’ve done a lot of very
bad things and you’re going to be punished for them
(Pause)
and I don’t mean a simple caning this time
(Pause)
but I am prepared to be lenient.

SUPERNOOB
(Doubtfully)
Really?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Surrender now, release these
people, and you won’t be killed.

SUPERNOOB bursts out laughing.

SUPERNOOB
You don’t have the stones to kill me, What!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Are you sure about that?

SUPERNOOB
And you can’t kill me anyway!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
And Are you sure about that too?

He leans forward, face to face with SUPERNOOB. <

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew and I have been through a lot together. We took on and
defeated the alien space bats. We beat Admiral Honorblower. We
defeated Lesbians in single combat in their queen’s bed. We duelled
with the Fallen. We even attacked the Hub
and brought it to the verge of total defeat.
(He leans closer)
You’re a silly teenage boy who has gained equipment
he doesn’t know how to control.
Are you sure that we can’t beat you?

SUPERNOOB
I am like nothing you have ever seen before!

TORQUMADA
Actually, I’m pretty sure that most of
us went through the same stage.
(disturbing grin)
I recommend spankings, lots and lots of spankings.

SUPERNOOB
Yes, I am confident that I
can kick your asses, like this!

he hits a button on his chair and a force field shimmers into existence, knocking DOCTOR WHAT to the ground as an entire series of BFGs, LBFGs, OHMWABEGs and OBFGS appear out of nowhere, controlled by robots and targeting the AH.COMMERS. Bursts of plasma fire go everywhere as the AH.COMMERS dive for cover, before returning fire with their own weapons, sending sparks and flickering lights everywhere. SUPERNOOB laughs as MATT and WEAPON M go sprawling, before IRONYUPPIE uses her Yo-Yo to take out half the robots in a single swipe.

IRONYUPPIE
You didn’t think of that, did you?
(Pause)
And think of poor Landie…

SUPERNOOB
He’s going to suffer like no other
outside a Japanese porn flick…

And, indeed, massive robot tentacles are catching and trapping LANDSHARK in their grasp, reaching out towards his unmentionables.

HENDRKY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Pause)
Take me instead!

SUPERNOOB
Don’t be stupid, Mr Chinaman;
you’d actually enjoy this…

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I guess
it’s time for ME to be the hero!

DAVE leaps forward with his chainsaw and slices LANDSHARK free, just before he can be put through one of the most horrifying, and yet strangly arousing, events in the Multiverse.

IRONYUPPIE
Aww…you saved him.
(Tiring of it)
Snap out of it, B-MAN!

SUPERNOOB’s gaze snaps down to DOCTOR WHAT, who has been trapped inside the field.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling) What?
(Pause)
I found it strangely arousing.

IRONYUPPIE
(Shouting) get him, Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT staggers to his feet and swings a punch at SUERNOOB. It wouldn’t bother a hamster, or even a snail, but as SUPERNOOB is a nerd, the punch sends him snapping backwards against his chair, which topples over and crashes into the floor. SUPERNOOB tries to stand up, but IRONYUPPIE is on him in seconds, tying him up with her whip before kicking him in the nuts and smashing him into the wall.

LANDSHARK
God, I love that woman.

IRONYUPPIE
Silence, slave! Go fetch my…
really nasty torturing device.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be a
problem with the computers…

And indeed, the lights are flashing red and alarms are sounding.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
LEO, what the fuck is going on?

LEO
(On comm)
I can only put forward a hypotheses, Doc,
that our friend here didn’t bother to set any
security settings that would have prevented
the system from overloading and blowing up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us the fuck out of here!

LEO
(On comm)
No can do, Bruno; there’s too
much interference for you
to be beamed out. I suggest
that you shag ass out of there!

KIT
(Saluting smartly)
Shagging ass, sir!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, damn it, come up with a better idea!

LEO
(On comm)
Must I? Oh, very well…put the wristcom
near the computers and I’ll take them over.
(Short pause)
There…there we are…that’s the computers
taken over and…shut down.

The lights go back to normal.

GBW
LEO, are you sure you’re ok?

LEO
(On comm)
Bush, of course I’m fine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Now, what happened to this world?

LEO
(On comm)
It’s really very simple, Bruno; our friend there used these systems
to impose porn on the entire world, which meant that the world’s
development was warped because of porn, but now everything
should be returning to normal. I think that he was actually
admitting them to porn using strange energies so that they
couldn’t become aroused without exposure to porn of a kind
so vile that even FLOID would refuse to deal with it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Bastard! Now, what’s going to happen now?

LEO
(On comm)
Judging from my readings,
the energies are gone, so people
are returning to their normal habits and…
hey, there’s an orgy going on in
the park!

With an audible set of whooshes, most of the crew vanish back out of the castle.

MATT
Well, this is just great, isn’t it! Why do
I have to be the one left holding the nerd?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
LEO, now that the energies are gone, teleport MATT and
our captive up to the ship and keep an eye on them until
we can ship him to the Hub and dump him in COLLIN’S cell.
(Pause)
And, as for me, I wonder if that hot blonde is still around…

DOCTOR WHAT races out of the castle

MATT
WANKER!

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The city is in the middle of a massive party, with loads of sex, drugs and rock and roll. DOCTOR WHAT is talking to KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
You saved us all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, we did, and, for once, my crew
is going to get what we deserve…

He reaches out for her and she comes willingly towards him, but he glances over towards the edge of the party and sees an advancing army about to burn him and the remainder of his crew…for daring to disturb their peace and quiet. Or, more likely, they’re going to burn the crew for SUPERNOOB’s crimes.

LEO
(On comm)
Doc, the planetary defence networks are about to open fire on us.

DOCTOR WHAT jumps to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, my dear, it seems I have to go. But I will come back.

KILNGIRL
Don’t hurry on my account.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why is it we’re always chased off worlds
when we try to have sex with the locals?
(shakes head)

DOCTOR WHAT waves and vanishes in a loud pop.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM opens a vortex and escapes the planet of porn.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM - NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN storms in, his face contorted with rage.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That was a bloody awful episode!

CHRIS
(Annoyed)
You get what you pay for.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
I didn’t pay you anything!

CHRIS
My point exactly!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
You made a gibbering idiot out of LANDSHARK!
You made IRONYUPPIE into a dominix! You made
KILNGIRL into a blonde bombshell…

CHRIS
She’s not complaining!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
And you let DAVE HOWERY be the hero!

CHRIS
But all he did was save Landie from a fate worse than
a fate worse than a fate worse than death…
(Realises)
DOH!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Angry)
Well, owing to a tiff with the writer chimps,
I find myself lacking an episode, so
I guess I’ll have to post yours, but.
(Produces whip)
You’re going to suffer for this.

He chases CHRIS off with a whip. DOCTOR WHAT enters the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I found it strangely arousing.

The scene fades out over CHRIS’s screams.

 

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Filed under: Series No Comments
20Jun/110

4×02 – Sealions on an Airship

TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

We see the Earth turning, the familiar blue-green ball spitted with clouds. In the background, the stars do not twinkle in the void of space, but merely appear as points of cold, hard light against the black velvet night.

As we watch, a light blossoms on the eastern seaboard of North America, followed by a second, then a third…and then they begin in Europe…

We hear a confused, staticky collection of voices, as though intercepting radio transmissions.

RADIO VOICES
…retaliate in kind…missile bases in Cornwall…
Confederate cities of New Leesburg and Daviston
have been completely destroyed…Cispennine
Republic forces have swept into Wessex…the
Kaapstadt declares war on the Raj…the Soviets
have threatened to activate a hitherto unseen ‘
doomsday device’…

As we watch, more explosions blossom all over the world, city after city joining the atomic pyre. We see cracks open in the earth’s crust, volcanoes going off and adding to the chaos, whole islands sinking beneath boiling seas. Black clouds fill the atmosphere and we see the polar ice caps slowly expanding with a grinding sound.

The world is dying.

The radio voices return, far fewer this time.

RADIO VOICES
…estimate…six months until total global collapse…
earth no longer capable of supporting human life…
in this last hour, all remnants must join hands…
humanity has only one chance for survival…
sleeper ship…new colony…Alpha Centauri…
not repeat the mistakes of the past…

As the Earth darkens to the twilight of death, we see one last flare of light from Florida, and a huge starship blasts up from the ground. More nuclear detonations behind it, one every few seconds – it’s an Orion-drive nuclear pulse ship. Huge, by today’s standards, like a vast office block with engines, and it’s heading away from the dead Earth, off past the moon and towards Alpha Centauri.

We pan away from the Earth and see the vessel, the last hope, orient on Alpha Centauri, its engines powering up for the acceleration as the moon gleams softly in the background.

Then there is a TERRIFIC FLASH OF LIGHT as a RED VORTEX burns to life near the moon! The fabric of reality warps and wobbles as something punches a hole through it – and the AH.COM SHIP explodes through into the new world!

The AH.com ship collides with the sleeper ship, its advanced shields ripping a great hole in the ship as though it were made of tissue paper, and what’s left of the ship goes spinning towards the moon, crashes and explodes.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Er…ooops?

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series


“SEALIONS ON AN AIRSHIP”

Written By : THANDE


ACT I


EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – CROSSTIME VORTEX

The AH.com ship hurtles through the crosstime vortex, a brilliant spiral of blue and red light, flickering with strange lightning that almost forms itself into recognisable shapes, but not quite.

Pan in through a window, deep into the heart of the ship…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – NIGHT

It’s the night shift. DAVE HOWERY is asleep in a sleeping back on top of the engine core, wearing a Wee Willie Winkie nightcap and snoring loudly. Next to him, KEIRA KNIGHTLEY holds a packet of Woodbines over a vent on the core, which abruptly blasts out a burst of flame and lights the cigarettes. Smiling, she starts chain-smoking them.

Pan down across the engine core to the main engineering bay, where one of those Star Trek-type situation tables stands, with controls and display panels all over it.

As we watch, G.BONE throws a green poker tablecloth over the top of it.

G.BONE
Perfect!

We see G.BONE is joined by FLOCCULENCIO, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
Call me Mr Nitpicker, but shouldn’t
we kind of turn off all the controls first?

FLOCCULENCIO
Alas, my Aussie friend – like myself, his
fellow native of the mysterious and alluring
East – Mr Bone, His Boniness, is likewise
afflicted, or should I say blessed, with
a terminal case of happy-go-lucky laziness.

G.BONE
(nodding)
Yeah! So there!
(whispers out of corner of mouth to PSYCHO)
What’d he say?

MICHAEL sighs and throws his pack of cards down onto the table. We hear a ‘beep!’ and, in the background, there’s an explosion and we dimly see DAVE HOWERY launched up off the top of the engine core. He tumbles through the air and wedges between two bits of support scaffolding, ending up hanging over the core. Despite these acrobatics, he continues snoring. The four of them glance upward and shrug.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sitting down)
Are we playing ASBs high?

G.BONE
And wanks low.

FLOCCULENCIO
Pah, ’tis the only honourable way to play the game!
(pulls up his chair)
Gentlemen, deal your cards!

In a montage of scenes, we see the four players flicking down various combinations of cards, and hourglasses of blue-glowing Time, which are used instead of chips, cross the table. MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO accumulate time at the expense of PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE, at least for now.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(slapping down cards triumphantly)
Hah! Beat this, Aussie boy!
Chinese, French and Dutch Australia!

FLOCCULENCIO
(looks at MICHAEL commiseratingly)
Hoist by your own petard, I’m afraid, old bean.

MICHAEL
(calmly scraping his chin with his cards)
Hmm. The only possible hand that could beat
that is a Successful Sealion…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angrily)
You haven’t!

MICHAEL
No-o, I haven’t.
(pause)
I have, however, substituted your cards
for razor-sharp Chinese fighting cards.

With a flick, MICHAEL sends a Cromwellwank card speeding through the air, where it buries itself in PSYCHO’s throat with a spurt of blood. PSYCHO chokes, but then yanks it out and hurls it straight back at MICHAEL, slicing the back of his hand open. MICHAEL picks up his chair and attempts to beat PSYCHO over the head with it, while PSYCHO holds him off with one hand and tries to sew up his throat with the other.

While the fight goes on in the background, FLOCCULENCIO exchanges a look with G.BONE.

FLOCCULENCIO
How ungentlemanly—this should be done in
the correct way, pistols at dawn.

G.BONE
And, like, he could have just swapped the cards
for a Successful Sealion hand anywho.

FLOCCULENCIO
(raising an eyebrow)
True, but ’tis Michael.

G.BONE
Of course…
(pause)
Successful Sealions…that reminds me of something
that happened to me a long time ago…before I joined
this ship, y’know? It’s a long story…would you like to hear it?

FLOCCULENCIO, by now, is reading The Kama Sutra and smoking a pipe, ignoring G.BONE.

FLOCCULENCIO
(distractedly)
Hmm, yes, of course, go on.

FLOCCULENCIO turns the book sideways and his eyes widen, the pipe dropping from his mouth.

FLOCCULENCIO
Merciful Ganesh! I didn’t know you could
do that with a chapatti!

In the background, we see PSYCHO and MICHAEL, both trying to sew up their wounds, accidentally tangle their threads so PSYCHO’s neck is sewn to MICHAEL’s right hand. Their struggle continues.

G.BONE
(oblivious of all this)
Sure! Like I said, it was a long time ago…
(puts on deep voice)
in a timeline, far, far away…

SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE EFFECT (WIBBLINESS)

EXT. – PACIFIC OCEAN – DAY

A beautiful Pacific summer day, panning over the blue, blue ocean towards Oahu in the distance. Seagulls scatter over the growing waves.

Pan down and focus on one wave as it grows to tremendous proportions, heading for a Hawaiian beach.

Rising to the very crest of the wave is a man in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts riding a surfboard painted with the pattern of an Iron Cross…

It’s a younger G.BONE, grinning without a care in the world.

We hear a ‘HONK!’ off to one side, and G.BONE turns and salutes its source – a great ironclad steamship belching smoke, flying the Hawaiian flag (Union Jack with red, blue and white stripes) and bearing the name HHMS Kamehameha.

G.BONE turns away, bends his knees and expertly rides the wave as it crashes down on the shore, fetching up on the sand and slowly grinding to a halt. He scoops up his surfboard, grins again and walks at a leisurely pace up the beach to the town.

We pan outwards again to show a large billboard next to the tourists sunbathing on the beach: it shows the flag again, and “WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HAWAII”.

EXT. – HAWAII – MOUNTAINS – DAY

G.BONE is cycling back up on a mountain trail, his surfboard slung on his back. It’s quite out of the way, away from the main roads, and there’s no-one else on the track. He’s whistling tunelessly to himself.

Change camera angle to show the road surface and G.BONE’s cycle wheel hit something metal. He goes head over heels over his handlebars and lands with an ‘oof!’ beside the road.

Rubbing himself resentfully, G.BONE gets up and glares at what his bike hit – a set of rusting iron shackles.

G.BONE
Damned Draka tourists…

We suddenly hear the sound of someone shouting and screaming in the distance. Puzzledly, G.BONE turns around, focuses in on the sound and then follows it…

EXT. – HAWAII – FOREST – DAY

G.BONE picks his way through the jungle and into a glade, where he peers through a gap in a bush. We see a Chinese-looking man tied upside down to a tree – AOZHUAHAREN – while facing him is a second, HELLOLEGEND, with a sneer on his face. HELLOLEGEND is holding a baseball bat and is backed up by two Korean henchmen, GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JUNG.

HELLOLEGEND
(to AOZHUAHAREN)
What have you got to say for yourself?

AOZHUAHAREN
I’ll never talk!

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: do you think he’ll talk?
Yes, no, thongs or thongs?

KANG SAE JUNG
Yes.

GENERAL_TIU
(dreamily)
Oh, thongs…

HELLOLEGEND turns back to AOZHUAHAREN, patting his baseball bat into his other hand.

HELLOLEGEND
You shall give your inferior opinion
to this VALUED CONTRIBUTOR to the
black market economy, HelloLegend,
or I’ll force you to watch all my Golden
Girls DVDs until your mind explodes.

AOZHUAHAREN
Gah – never!

AOZHUAHAREN lunges blindly for HELLOLEGEND, but the latter whacks him with the baseball bat and AOZHUAHAREN screams in pain.

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: is baseball a good game?
Yes, no, Deanna Troi or Bea Arthur?

GENERAL_TIU/KANG SAE JUNG
(tentatively)
Yes?

HELLOLEGEND
(savagely whacking them)
Wrong! No! You inferior Korean savages!
(smiles crazily)
They gave the Montreal Expos to Washington
instead of Las Vegas –
(sighs in satisfaction)
- so it is a stupid sport played suitable only
for the racially degenerate!

HELLOLEGEND hits AOZHUAHAREN again and, with a rattling gasp, AOZHUAHAREN expires.

HELLOLEGEND
Oh no. Now he will never be able to tell
me about how he found out that I have
EARNED MY SENIORITY as a drug baron
and how I am STAYING HERE FOREVER.

G.BONE
(to himself)
Totally evil Asian dudes!

G.BONE takes a tentative step back and a twig snaps under his foot. HELLOLEGEND spins around and spots him.

HELLOLEGEND
(pointing)
He heard me! He overheard my
VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS!
Get him!

G.BONE gulps and hightails it away, pursued by KANG SAE JUNG and GENERAL_TIU.

They chase each other through the jungle. G.BONE bends a branch back as he passes and then it hitting KANG SAE JUNG in the face, sending him sprawling.

GENERAL_TIU pulls out a pistol and fires, but narrowly misses G.BONE and instead hits a wasp’s nest hanging in the tree, which explodes into a flurry of angry wasps that attack GENERAL_TIU.

We pan across to the track, where two men are strolling past. They look like MrP and TORQUMADA, but MrP is dressed nattily like an Edwardian on the river, and TORQUMADA is dressed as a Southern gentleman, Colonel Saunders style with a huge moustache.

ALT-MrP
Now, don’t you see, old chap, that
gun ownership is a very dangerous
proposition, donchaknow?

ALT-TORQUMADA
Bah! I suppose you’ll say that the poor
should get free medical treatment next!

ALT-MrP
Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, old bean.
(laughs slightly)
Being poor is an incurable condition, donchaknow.

G.BONE pushes past them, heading for his bicycle, followed a moment later by a bruised-faced KANG SAE JUNG and a GENERAL_TIU covered in wasp stings, plus HELLOLEGEND with his baseball bat.

ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQUMADA watch the pursuit without expression, ALT-MrP taking his pipe out of his mouth and ALT-TORQUMADA wiping his monocle distractedly on his kerchief.

ALT-MrP
I say, something of a fracas.

ALT-TORQUMADA
Indeed – but what else can one expect in
these savage tropical backwaters?

They shrug, and move on.

EXT. – HAWAII – MOUNTAIN ROAD

G.BONE jumps on his bike and quickly cycles away, bullets speeding overhead. HELLOLEGEND curses as he heads off into the distance.

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: are you two a couple of incompetent dingbats?
Yes, yes, yes, or Bea Arthur?

KANG SAE JUNG/GENERAL_TIU
Er…

HELLOLEGEND
Never mind!
(thinks)
We must find him and crush him before
he betrays our secret.
(pause)
What is our secret again? I know, I’ll poll for it.
Poll: What is our secret, is it (a)

KANG SAE JUNG and GENERAL_TIU groan to themselves.

EXT. – HONOLULU – G.BONE’S APARTMENT BLOCK – DAY

We see G.BONE, still panting with the exertion, ride his bike up to the bottom to the block of flats and tie it to the railings. He gets out and runs through the front door and up the stairs.

INT. – G.BONE’S APARTMENT – DAY

G.BONE’s apartment is decorated with a curiously eclectic mix of Imperial German flags and Granadine rugs with all those complex Islamic mathematical designs.

There are several surfboards with different designs on, usually left randomly lying about, although one is mounted on a table with an iron plugged in next to it and a crumpled T-shirt on top.

The apartment is in a state of organised chaos. G.BONE throws himself down on a battered but comfortable-looking easy chair, then lets out his breath in a long sigh.

G.BONE
Close one. Grody to the max.

G.BONE shrugs and we CUT TO his point of view – in front of him is a GIGANTIC STEAMPUNK TELEVISION SET, a huge oak cabinet with steam hissing from the sides through what look like organ pipes, and a relatively small screen in the middle. A huge aerial, looking like a missing part of the Eiffel Tower, protrudes from the top.

G.BONE starts hunting down the side of his chair.

G.BONE
(muttering to himself)
Where’s that remote control…
Ah! Here it is!

He pulls out what looks like a metal pipe, then keeps pulling and pulling (ludicrously) until about five feet’s worth has emerged, with a bend in the end. Smiling, he extends it in front of him, inserts the other end into a socket on the front of the huge TV - and it locks in place. He then starts turning the end in his hand and the TV crackles with power – it’s a starting handle. Puffing with the effort, he winds it up and the screen flashes, then the valves slowly begin to warm up with a hum.

G.BONE
(panting)
Whoever said the televisor screen would make
everyone obese from lack of exercise…?!

While the TV warms up, G.BONE gets up, goes to a cupboard and pulls out a box of cereal, a bottle of milk (strangely reddish in colour) and a spoon. He pours the cereal out, and we see from the box that it’s called “Cap’n Cook”, while the cereal itself is, disturbingly, in the shape of little human body parts. He pours the red milk on top, then begins eating it with the spoon, cruching away, as he sits down again.

G.BONE
That’s better.

The TV finally warms up and a newsreader – a stiff Edwardian type – appears on the screen.

NEWSREADER
Good day to you all, ladies and gentlemen.
I now bring you the grave news that an alleged
drug baron and trafficker, Mr. H. Legend, is
wanted by the Royal Californian Mounted Police
for his activities, but King Homahomawu’uuma has
refused to extradite this individual unless evidence
is presented in a Californian court.
(pause)
It has been reported that the only known witness
named by the police, a Mr A. Huaharen, was found
beaten to death earlier to-day; police are so far
not treating the incident as suspicious.

G.BONE
(worriedly)
Bogus happenings.
(happily)
Just as well I don’t have anything to
do with any of it!

As he grins, the door behind him is smashed off its hinges. G.BONE’s expression remains fixed as he turns around.

Two muscular gun-toting Asians in leather, SLEEPAHOLICAGENT and WHATISAUSERNAME, enter. G.BONE quickly throws himself behind his chair.

WHATISAUSERNAME
(leering at him)
What do we have here? A witness?
Can’t have that, can we?

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
(distractedly)
Yeah…

WHATISAUSERNAME
(frowning, in a mutter to SLEEPAHOLICAGENT)
What? You’re supposed to keep up
your end of the whole ‘stereotypical thug’ banter!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Yeah…sorry…
It’s just these leather outfits are…
really distracting…

WHATISAUSERNAME
(coughs pointedly)
Ahem. ‘Come out come out wherever
you are, little birdy!’ and other such nonsense.

G.BONE remains perfectly still, but as we watch, a spilled bit of Cap’n Cook falls from his shirt and hits the floor with an absurdly loud CRUNCH.

WHATISAUSERNAME
That’s him!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Give it to him hot and molten!

WHATISAUSERNAME
Yeah!...what?

The two of them shrug at each other, draw their AK-47s and begin blazing away at the chair. G.BONE ducks and dives behind a surfboard as the chair disintegrates under the full automatic fire. The gunfire tracks towards him, but the surfboard deflects it and SLEEPAHOLICAGENT ducks as a rebounding bullet speeds over his head.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Stop shooting! You nearly gave me a centre parting!

WHATISAUSERNAME
(stops shooting)
Sorry.

G.BONE turns around, still holding the surfboard over him.

G.BONE
(trying to be defiant)
Hah! You weren’t expecting me to own a Cunard Lines-made
surfboard reinforced with lead, basalt and big rocks, were you?

WHATISAUSERNAME
I tire of this. Toss the bomb in and we’ll be done with him.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Is that a euphemism for something?

WHATISAUSERNAME
(grinding his teeth)
No.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT shrugs and takes a large round grenade from his pocket. He is about to pull the pin, when he pauses.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Should I…?

WHATISAUSERNAME
NO! No unoriginal Monty Python references!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Okay.

We cut to G.BONE as, in the background, SLEEPAHOLICAGENT pulls the pin and prepares to throw the grenade.

G.BONE
Oh kuma’hullu’ahua!
If I ever needed a hero…

As he thinks the thought, suddenly SLEEPAHOLICAGENT crumples and drops the grenade!

WHATISAUSERNAME spins around, bringing up his gun and blazing away. But, unbelievably, the bullets seem to slow down and melt to dust around the NEW FIGURE he is shooting at. The figure is not particularly tall or strong-looking but he radiates a sense of pure power.

“Holding Out For A Hero” plays in the background…

As we watch, the HERO takes a step towards WHATISAUSERNAME, then another, as bullets simply fade from existence all around him. WHATISAUSERNAME’s gun clicks empty, and snarling in frustration, he hurls it at the HERO.

The HERO grabs the gun from midair, and with a casual, contemptuous twist of his hands, snaps it in two and throws the two parts to one side. They land near G.BONE, still holding onto his surfboard.

G.BONE
(looking at the twisted and broken Kalashnikov)
Cooooooolll…

WHATISAUSERNAME draws a knife and lashes out at the HERO, who moves far faster, grabbing his knife hand in such a way that WHATISAUSERNAME pales and the knife falls from his nerveless fingers. Behind the HERO we see SLEEPAHOLICAGENT rising to his feet, rubbing a bruise on the back of his head – but the HERO swings WHATISAUSERNAME’s whole body in an arc, with superhuman strength, and slams him into SLEEPAHOLICAGENT!

The two henchmen crash back against the wall, stunned. The HERO pats his hands together in satisfaction. G.BONE cautiously rises from behind the surfboard.

G.BONE
Whoa! Totally bodacious!

HERO
(Middle American accent)
I thank you, Mr Bone.
But now we must leave this place.

G.BONE
(pointing vaguely)
Umm, yeah, especially since, you know, that grenade…

The HERO’s eyes track to the dropped grenade of SLEEPAHOLICAGENT, beeping away, the beeps growing louder and more frequent.

HERO
Shit.

The HERO suddenly runs forward from a standing start, quickly reaching a terrific speed – he grabs the surprised G.BONE and the two of them SMASH through the window and out into the air –

EXT. – OUTSIDE G.BONE’S APARTMENT BLOCK – DAY

The HERO zooms out of G.BONE’s shattering window and arcs down to the ground, in a controlled manner as though he can almost fly. As they hit the ground and roll over and over, the whole apartment block suddenly EXPLODES SPECTACULARLY as the grenade goes off!

G.BONE scrambles to his feet and looks on in disbelief as the burning building begins to collapse.

HERO
(about to run into the building)
People are in danger…

G.BONE
Um, actually, everyone’s away at
Pall’kualla’zhualla’maal day for the
Kal’huuaahhl’allhua festival.
I was the only one there…and those two goons.

HERO
They’re already toast, and they’d have got
the chair anyway, with what they’ve done.

The HERO brushes himself down – we notice he wears a discreet dark suit – and shakes G.BONE’s hand.

HERO
Pleased to meet you, Mr Bone.

G.BONE
And you, uh…

HERO
(smiles)
I do not normally go by a name.
I am a super-soldier created by the government
of the Republic of Michigan for special missions
such as this. The first success of the project, after 54 failures…

CUT TO –

DETROIT CAR FACTORY – DAY

A brief scene of 54 other identical cloned heroes boredly squeezing rivets.

RETURN

HERO
So…call me…
Super55 .

G.BONE shakes his hand, winces at the other’s strength.

G.BONE
Sure. Thanks for saving my life.
(pause)
What am I going to do now? All my stuff was in there!

SUPER55
Your stuff is the least of your concerns, Mr Bone.
You witnessed HelloLegend killing the witness.
Now you are a witness to his crimes.
Legend won’t stop until you’re dead.

G.BONE
(glancing around nervously)
Not good! What do I do?

SUPER55
Come with me to the Dominion of California.
If you give evidence in a Californian court,
Legend is finished and you’ll be safe.

G.BONE
I’m…not sure…

As he speaks, we hear gunfire – around the corner, we see GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JEUNG approaching on Hyundai motorbikes, heavily armed. KANG SAE JEUNG has a rocket launcher, and as we watch, he fires – a rocket blazes across the sky, narrowly misses G.BONE and SUPER55 as SUPER55 drags them to the floor, and explodes against a nearby building, destroying it.

SUPER55
Come with me if you want to live!

G.BONE
Okay!

SUPER55 hoists G.BONE on his back and and begins running. Bullets fly all around him but never seem to penetrate.

SUPER55
To the skies!

SUPER55 pulls a tag on his belt and rocket jets ignite from the soles of his boots – he and G.BONE rise into the air and go rocketing off into the distance. KANG SAE JEUNG and GENERAL_TIU come to a halt, still firing at the retreating shape in the sky, before stopping.

GENERAL_TIU
The boss is not going to like this.

KANG SAE JEUNG
Maybe if we gave him the bad news in a good way?

Clock wipe to

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND is sitting in the middle of the darkened room, in which drug syringes are stacked alternately with Star Trek and Golden Girls DVDs in racks. Tapestries with Chinese characters on them hang behind him: the characters appear to spell out this season’s baseball scores.

GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JEUNG stand nervously before him.

GENERAL_TIU
So, in summary,

KANG SAE JEUNG
The State of Arizona has made posting compulsory,

GENERAL_TIU
(quickly)
G. Bone escaped when he was rescued by a superhero,

KANG SAE JEUNG
- and everyone has joined the US Navy.

HELLOLEGEND leaps to his feet, holding a revolver. The two of them both take steps back.

HELLOLEGEND
Poll: do you think I’m stupid?
Yes, no, sock puppet, sock puppet?

KANG SAE JEUNG
Er –

HELLOLEGEND
Don’t you think I can tell when you’re
trying to bury bad news?
(incensed)
For this you die!

He shoots and kills…KANG SAE JEUNG, who collapses.

HELLOLEGEND
(contemptuously)
US Navy opening up recruitment to all…
only VALUED CONTRIBUTORS of a
SUPERIOR RACE such as myself should
be allowed to join!

GENERAL_TIU takes another nervous step backwards.

GENERAL_TIU
Er…

HELLOLEGEND
Yes, yes, the Bone business.
Find out what he is up to.
He has not escaped yet…

HELLOLEGEND lights a cigar, then puts the lighted end into his mouth. GENERAL_TIU stares for a moment, then flees.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – HONOLULU AERODROME – DAY

The next day. SUPER55 and G.BONE are walking between terminals. All around them are gigantic metal towers with huge AIRSHIPS docked to them. Occasionally there are a few biplanes, but it’s mostly airships. G.BONE keeps staring all around him.

SUPER55
(pointing at the airships)
We’ll take the Ludendorff to St. Francis.

G.BONE
Coolness! And you’re sure we’ll be safe.

SUPER55
(laughs lightly)
Of course! It’s an airship!
What could possibly go wrong?

G.BONE
(abashed)
Yeah.

The two of them walk towards the Ludendorff, a giant airship with an Imperial German iron cross painted on the tail fins and the name in Fraktur script along the side. It has a large passenger gondola and four propeller nacelles.

INT. – AIRSHIP LUDENDORFF – COCKPIT – DAY

The cockpit is at the front of the passenger gondola. In many ways it looks more like the bridge of a cruise liner: the crew wear naval-type uniforms, there’s a big ship’s wheel in the middle, etc. The bridge is surrounded on three sides by huge windows, affording a good view of the airport. In the distance, we can see the figures of G.BONE and SUPER55 walking towards the airship across the concrete.

The camera pans around and we get a view of the crewmen on the bridge…

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(wearing a captain’s uniform)
Alright, everyone, chop chop!
Remember, you represent the honour and integrity
of the Kaiserreichsluftverkehr!

His first officer, Commander EUIO, takes a step backward with a wince to avoid QIANLONG’s spitting the last word.

EUIO
Yes, sir. Have you reviewed the passenger list?

EMPEROR QIANLONG gives a cursory glance to the piece of paper that EUIO hands over. His eyes widen and they track backwards, re-reading.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
We’re carrying…fifty young ladies suffering
from a particularly acute form of nymphomania
to one of Dr Freud’s conferences on diseases of the mind?!

In the background, we hear a stampede. EMPEROR QIANLONG turns around, an expression of glazed inevitability on his face, to find that his entire crew – except stewardess LJD767 – is wedged in the doorway of the bridge.

LJD767
(smirking)
Typical men…anyway, that’s the next flight’s list.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(squints at date)
Ah yes, you are correct.
(with feeling)
Scheisse.

EUIO picks himself up ruefully and orders the rest of the crew back into position.

EUIO
What of this flight’s list, then?

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(shrugs)
It is of no import, I daresay.
Let’s just begin the preflight checks.

EUIO nods. Dramatic fade to…

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND and GENERAL_TIU are walking down an aisle in what looks like some kind of warehouse-type storage facility, with all the shelves filled with crates. Most of them are labelled with the names of different drugs, but others indicate they contain guns, explosives or other supplies.

HELLOLEGEND
(half to himself)
Bah. So Bone escaped us.
They plan to take him to California, to testify.
(laughs madly)
But…he shall not arrive!

GENERAL_TIU
(laughs nervously along with him)
No…he shall not!

HELLOLEGEND suddenly spins around and talks threateningly in GENERAL_TIU’s face.

HELLOLEGEND
(quiet menace)
In this warehouse, I have many things capable of killing a man.
Guns. Bombs. Missiles. Rockets. Subtle explosives.
Enough funds, from our narcotics, to hire the best
assassins in Hawaii or California.
(smiles coldly)
So, poll: which shall I use to try and kill G.Bone?

GENERAL_TIU hesitates, biting his lip as he thinks about it.

GENERAL_TIU
(slowly, hesitantly)
You’ll…use some kind of…crazy, wacky untested plan
with hints of bizarre randomness?

HELLOLEGEND glares in his face; then his expression abruptly snaps into a smile and he pats GENERAL_TIU patronisingly on the head.

HELLOLEGEND
Well done! The racially impure
Korean can learn a trick after all!
Much like his lunch.

HELLOLEGEND turns away and, almost at random, grabs a crate off the shelf. It wobbles around, as though something inside is fighting to get out. GENERAL_TIU looks uncertain as HELLOLEGEND impatiently hands it to him.

GENERAL_TIU
What is it?

HELLOLEGEND
The one thing the anti-nihilist
police will never suspect, of course!
The rare Chinese Lesser Spotted Sealion…
deadly to all forms of life!

GENERAL_TIU looks sceptical and pops up the lid of the crate.

Instantly, a sleek furry head, with maddened eyes, shoots up out of the crate and bites him hard on the nose. Blood flows freely as GENERAL_TIU screams and runs round and round, fighting desperately to tear the SEALION from his nose. HELLOLEGEND watches approvingly.

HELLOLEGEND
We Chinese invented murder, you know…

Another crazed, spitting SEALION crawls onto HELLOLEGEND’s arm, and he begins stroking it, Blofeld-style.

HELLOLEGEND
(softly)
G.Bone is a dead man.

In the background, we see GENERAL_TIU – the SEALION still attached to his nose – go flying into a massive pile of metal crates, which comes crashing down on top of him. HELLOLEGEND sighs pointedly.

HELLOLEGEND
You just can’t find good help these days.

Cut to:

EXT. – HONOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

The Ludendorff looms large over the aerodrome, lit by spotlights. Its gondola is lit from the inside and the propellors on its nacelles have begun turning slowly. At the back, though, cargo is still being loaded. We see a large number of huge Victorian-style travel trunks on a trolley, which an airport worker – RAMP-RAT – is pushing towards the airship.

There’s a shadow, a sudden movement – and RAMP-RAT falls, stunned from a blow on the back of the head. His attacker emerges into the spotlight – it takes a moment to realise that it’s GENERAL-TIU, as his head is now so swathed in bloody bandages that he looks like an Egyptian mummy from a cutprice horror film.

GENERAL_TIU
(mutters)
Next time, I’m working for someone more
in touch with reality, like Fernidad of Prussia…

GENERAL_TIU begins pulling trunks off the trolley and replacing them with the slightly vibrating reinforced metal crates we saw before, each containing a SEALION.

He then pushes the trolley towards the airship, and we see other airport workers taking it from him; the trolley is pushed up the ramp and into the airship’s cargo hold.

GENERAL_TIU retreats back to where he left the trunks strewn around, and sits down on a random one, watching the airship.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – NIGHT

SUPER55 sits sedately in his chair, looking suspiciously at the other passengers. G.BONE, on the other hand, has his whole face glued to the window as he watches the takeoff procedure in awe. The interior of the compartment is marvellously luxurious, everything wood-panelled, with an antique-looking map of the world on the far wall and comfortable easy chairs to sit in. The rest of the passengers mostly look like they’re living the high life.

The door at the front of the gondola opens and LJD767 walks in, wearing her stewardess uniform with a jaunty hat. The eyes of approximately 55% of the passengers track her.

LJD767
Guten tag, mein herren und damen, and
danke for flying Imperial Airways!
If for any reason we should have to make
an emergency exit from the vehicle – after,
of course, changing into evening dress and
a light repast of coffee and port – then the
escape hatches are located one foot to the right of Helga –
(points to the right on one side of the gondola)
- and one foot to the left of Gertrude -
(points to the left; the gondola walls are quite a long way apart)

We pan across to where the ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQUMADA are observing the proceedings from their chairs; ALT-MrP’s pipe is putting out smoke frantically, the only visible sign that he’s excited.

ALT-MrP
(in deceptively idle tones)
I daresay you don’t get many of those to the pound.

ALT-TORQUMADA
Or to the dollar, good sir!
(sidelong glance)
Now, perhaps, I may venture, do you recognise the
veracity of my own position on the important issue
of the Mammary Standard?

ALT-MrP
(quenches his pipe with a sigh)
Well, I cannot deny that the good lady makes a persuasive argument.
(ponders for a moment)
Or perhaps two of them.

LJD767 winks at ALT-MrP and his starched collar spontaneously bursts open; ALT-TORQUMADA smiles.

We pan back across to G.BONE, who’s still looking out of the window.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(VO, on tannoy)
We have liftoff!

EXT. – HOLOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

The guide ropes fall away as the Ludendorff disconnects from its mooring tower. Propellors beating the air, the mighty airship slowly, majestically, rises into the night sky over Hawaii. A spotlight briefly illuminates the Iron Cross painted on her tail fins. In the background, we can see other airships, some painted with Union Jacks, some with Confederate Southern Crosses, some with Ottoman red crescents.

Below them all we see GENERAL_TIU, cackling and rubbing his hands together as he remains seated on the trunk.

GENERAL_TIU
A voyage of the damned…

GENERAL_TIU takes out his fob watch and frowns at the face.

GENERAL_TIU
Let’s see…the clockwork locks
should be opening themselves…
just about…now.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CARGO HOLD – NIGHT

We see GENERAL_TIU’s wobbling crates stacked up next to the trunks of the passenger luggage. As we watch, clockwork mechanisms click and whirr, and the lids of the crates slide back. Many pairs of malevolent eyes glow in the darkness, and then we hear the silky sounds of the Sealions lolloping out of their boxes…

EXT. – HOLOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

GENERAL_TIU continues to cackle, and the sound almost covers another clockwork click, this one a little closer than most.

His laugh dies away as, with a fixed expression, he glances down. The ‘trunk’ he’s sitting on is, in fact, a forgotten Sealion crate. And the lid has just slid back to reveal a pair of gleaming eyes.

GENERAL_TIU
How unfortunate.

We change camera angles and see things only in silhouette as GENERAL_TIU goes flying fifty feet straight upwards, a Chinese Sealion’s teeth embedded in his buttocks. As he hurtles through the air, he is struck by the propellor of a passing triplane and turned to chunky salsa.

Dramatic fade…

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN - NIGHT

The atmosphere is not unlike that on an OTL night flight, but rather more refined. G.BONE sticks out like a sore thumb as he fiddles excitedly with the gramophone record player fitted into the back of the seat in front of his; SUPER55 frowns at him, and in the background we can see a sign saying ‘PASSENGERS ARE REMINDED THAT USE OF MR BELL’S ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH ON THE AIRSHIP IS CONSIDERED MOST UNGENTLEMANLY.’

SUPER55
Calm yourself, please, Mr Bone.

G.BONE
Sorry, dude, it’s just – this rocks!

SUPER55
(smiling thinly)
Of course it is. It’s an airship.

SUPER55 grins contentedly and leans back in his comfortable seat, as G.BONE finds the chess set built into the arm rest and begins frantically playing himself.

The camera pans upwards and through the ceiling…

INT. – LUDENDORFF - INSIDE BULKHEAD

The Sealions, barely visible except by their glowing eyes, creep through the space in the bulkheads, accompanied by the wet sounds of flippers on metal…

EXT. – LUDENDORFF – AIR

We see the airship leaving the islands of Hawaii far below and entering the blank blueness of the Pacific Ocean.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – COCKPIT

EMPEROR QIANLONG gently guides the ship’s wheel.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Our course, Mr. Vowels?

EUIO
(looks up from his set square)
North-east by east, sir.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Good. Engage the auto-pilot.

EUIO takes out a huge padlock and clamps the wheel in place.

EUIO
Cards, sir?

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Why not? And have Ell-Jay fetch some port.

EUIO grins and leaves; EMPEROR QIANLONG sits back in his captain’s chair.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – CABIN

G.BONE is now looking bored. Over on the other side, we see a furtive-looking ALT-KIT as he glances out of the window, then seems to nod to himself and gets up out of his chair. He walks over towards an ornate door labelled ‘water-closet’ and opens it.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – TOILET

We find that one of the airship’s officers, ALT-FELL (in full uniform) is seated on the golden cistern, idly perusing a trashy paperback with pirates on the cover. He puts it down as ALT-KIT enters.

ALT-FELL
(stiffly)
Evening, sir. Lost, are we?

ALT-KIT
(glancing around in a paranoid fashion)
Not…exactly.

ALT-FELL
(quirks an eyebrow)
Might I then be correct in assuming that,
in fact, you are hoping to connect with
another gentleman who shares certain,
shall we say, unorthodox views?

ALT-KIT
(relieved)
Indeed I am!

ALT-FELL
(leans back contentedly)
Well then. Why must we tarry? Let’s have it.

ALT-KIT
You mean…you’re a socialist too?

ALT-KIT takes out a rolled-up copy of the Manchester Guardian from his pocket and unrolls it hopefully. But ALT-FELL goes purple in the face with outrage.

ALT-FELL
(pointing)
Out! Out! I will not have your sort in here!

Disappointed, ALT-KIT turns around – and comes face to face with a CHINESE SEALION as it drops through a hole in the ceiling.

ALT-FELL
Good heavens, what -

Cut to:

INT. - LUDENDORFF – CABIN

The corridor outside the water-closet; we hear banging around inside, screams and shouts, and vicious hisses, and red liquid starts to pool under the door…

EXT. - LUDENDORFF – SKY - NIGHT

The sky and sea around the airship are now totally featureless as it slowly travels across the Pacific.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EMPEROR QIANLONG and EUIO are bent over a table playing cards, with glasses of port beside them. Behind them, the clamped wheel occasionally clanks in protest against its hold.

EUIO
(slaps down his cards)
You win again, sir.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(smiles)
Of course.

EMPEROR QIANLONG raises his glass.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
A toast – to a nice uneventful fligh-

LJD767 suddenly bursts in.

LJD767
Sir, there’s a problem!

EMPEROR QIANLONG closes his eyes with a sigh.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
I knew it was too good to be true…
(turns to LJD767)
All right, what is it? What’s wrong?

LJD767
The pressure sensors on gasbag 4 have gone offline,
as though there’s a problem with the cable.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Can’t you get young Nelson to fix it?

LJD767
He’s…gone missing. Again.

EUIO
I don’t know what he thinks he’s playing at!

EMPEROR QIANLONG
I wish I didn’t!
(sighs)
Very well, very well.

EUIO pulls an access panel off the wall and EMPEROR QIANLONG climbs into it.

INT. – IN THE ACCESS TUBE

EMPEROR QIANLONG crawls through the dusty Bakelite-lined tube; we see pneumatic cables all around him, stretching from the pressure gauges back to the gasbags themselves.

His hand closes on a frayed and shredded cable, which he picks up and glances at.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(half to himself)
Here’s the problem. Something’s bitten through it.
But what? Looks too big to be a rat…

There’s a hissing sound in front of him and he glances up.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Oh -

Cut to: INT. - LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO and LJD767 watch in confusion as echoing sounds of clanging and banging come up the access tube. Then, suddenly, a bloodstained captain’s hat comes flying out and rebounds against the opposite wall.

They both stare at it.

LJD767
What…the…

EUIO
Well, on the plus side, at least I get back
all that money I lost…

INT. - LUDENDORFF – CABIN

G.BONE, humming to himself and with a comic book folded under one arm, walks along the corridor to the water-closet. He opens the door – we don’t see exactly what he sees, but behind him a woman, ELADRIMSTAR, screams and passionately faints into a man’s arms.

G.BONE
Bogus!

SUPER55 is suddenly at his elbow. In one glance he takes in the situation.

SUPER55
Shit! That’s the work of Chinese Sealions.
HelloLegend is behind this for sure.
(shakes his head and turns around)
This is serious. Where’s the captain?

EMPEROR QIANLONG’s bloodied hat is dropped at his feet. He looks up at an ashen-faced EUIO.

SUPER55
I…see…

Behind him, we hear vague murmurs going through the passengers, who are all standing up to watch – increasing rumours of panic…

SUPER55
(turning to face the passengers)
All right, calm down…

ELADRIMSTAR
(momentarily wakes up)
Calm down, he says! When we might be murdered in our beds!
(she faints dramatically again)

SUPER55
Listen, I…

PASSENGERS
(all at once, confusion)
We’re all going to die! / We’re going to crash! /
Be eaten by / be torn apart by / we…

SUPER55, his expression set, pulls out a gun and fires it upwards with a BANG. The room is suddenly silent with horror.

SUPER55
All right! We are not going to panic!
We are going to deal with this situation
in an orderly and civilised manner!

ALT-MrP rises to his feet and claps perfunctorily, in a vicar-at-a-village-fete sort of way.

ALT-MrP
Well said, sir, well said!
Let us not act like heathen savages, but as
proud members of the superior Western civilisation!

ALT-TORQUMADA
(nudging ALT-P’s arm)
You’ll notice, however, that he had to
use a gun to make his point.

ALT-MrP
Bah, details.

As they argue, G.BONE turns to SUPER55.

G.BONE
Hey, awesome dude – how come you didn’t
just shoot a hole in the gasbag?

SUPER55
(shows him the gun)
Specially slowed rounds. Still effective,
but they won’t punch through the hull of this gondola.
Safe to use on board airship. Standard Michigander Army issue.

G.BONE
Cool.

SUPER55
Now, come on. To the bridge!

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO is frantically doing sums on a piece of paper, while the wheel continues clunking on its lock. SUPER55 and G.BONE enter.

SUPER55
What’s our status?

EUIO
Bad! We’re still two hours out from California,
and who knows how many of those things we’ve got on board?

SUPER55
They must have come from the cargo hold.
Snook on board…

G.BONE
Um, does it matter now?

SUPER55
It might.
(turns to EUIO)
Have you any hydrogen on this airship?

EUIO
(bursts out laughing)
Hydrogen? On an airship?
Are you mad??

SUPER55
All right, all right, I know it was far-fetched,
it was just an idea.

EUIO
Wait, though…there
is the propane we use
for the engines…

SUPER55
(smiles)
That works too.

G.BONE
What are you going to…
(sudden realisation)
Oh.
(very quietly)
Crap.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – CABIN

The passengers have calmed down a bit, but are still nervy and glancing around. In one corner, though, we see an unconcerned looking KID, MIKE ONEAL 5, who is energetically playing away on a machine the size of a typewriter, which to some extent it resembles. As he presses the clicking keys and we hear a wheeze of steam, though, on top of the machine regularly-shaped metal blocks are slowly lowered into position from above by a complex arrangement of pulleys and strings. There’s a regular ‘ding’ sound in the background.

It is, in fact, a steampunk version of Tetris.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Come on, come on, come on…

But he misses the combination of blocks and the game ends.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Dammit!

He grabs the machine up in the air and hurls it down in frustration – hitting a SEALION on the head just before it was about to attack him. MIKE ONEAL 5 stares in realisation as the SEALION slumps dazedly.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Crap!

The whole cabin dissolves into pandemonium as SEALIONS suddenly start bursting out of the walls and dropping from the ceiling. We see several passengers set upon by SEALIONS, biting and tearing away at them, blood all over the floor. ALT-MrP, unconcerned, simply stands back behind ALT-TORQ as the latter draws a huge handgun and begins blazing away.

ALT-MrP
A most unfortunate series of events, dear boy.

ALT-TORQ
(narrowing his eyes as he aims)
I can only concur.

A SEALION springs for the two of them, but ALT-TORQ catches it in mid-flight with a bullet. The SEALION falls to the ground, stunned but not dead.

ALT-MrP
Tough little rascals, aren’t they?

SUPER55 appears in the doorway.

SUPER55
Alright, alright! Everyone up to the bridge!

There’s a stampede, and he would be run over, were it not for his sheer awesomeness. As the cabin empties, we see the many bodies and stunned Sealions on the ground…then it’s just SUPER55, ALT-MrP, ALT-TORQ, and the spitting SEALIONS.

SUPER55
You two! With me!

ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQ nod as LJD767 walks in and shoves a trolley towards SUPER55. SUPER55 manhandles a gas cylinder on top of it.

SUPER55
You two have to keep them off me while I get this in place!

ALT-MrP
Roger that, old boy!

ALT-TORQ
(sizing up SUPER55)
Y’all’s crazy, but it’s a good crazy.

SUPER55 grins. He grabs the trolley and begins pushing it down the aisle of the now deserted cabin. From the seats all around him, crazed SEALIONS, frothing at the mouth, leap out at him, but ALT-TORQ’s bullets knock them back. We see ALT-MrP hurling model metal Napoleonic soldiers at them, too.

ALT-MrP
(looking at the ceiling)
May Surak forgive me…

SUPER55 pulls his own gun as he reaches the end of the corridor and the back of the gondola. SEALIONS continue to attack him, but he shoots off a few more, beating a fighting retreat back to the front.

SUPER55
Almost there…almost…

Cut to:

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND
(cackling)
And just to make sure, I’ll put in
a particularly large specimen…

Cut back to:

INT. - LUDENDORFF – CABIN

There’s a horrible creaking sound, and the ceiling almost directly above ALT-TORQ and ALT-MrP splinters apart. A GIANT SEALION comes crashing through the ceiling and lands next to them. With one flipper, it suddenly grabs hold of ALT-MrP and stuffs him into its mouth, its vicious fangs tearing into him.

ALT-MrP
(calmly, as he’s being ripped apart)
Well, this is all rather unfortunate.

ALT-TORQ
(incoherent bellow of rage)
Death to you, foul beast!

The GIANT SEALION is shot several times by ALT-TORQ and SUPER55, but this only seems to make it angry. It applauds angrily, gulping down ALT-MrP, and then take a threatening move towards ALT-TORQ. The floor beneath it creaks alarmingly.

SUPER55
(thinking)
Torq, get back!

ALT-TORQ
No! I won’t let it!

SUPER55
Trust me! Get back!

ALT-TORQ hesitates, glancing at him, then nods reluctantly.

ALT-TORQ
But only because you’re so awesome.

Nodding distractedly, SUPER55 puts himself between ALT-TORQ and the GIANT SEALION, which continues to approach – the floor creaks and groans. SUPER55 glances around desperately and spies a sand-filled fire bucket on the wall.

SUPER55
Should be heavy enough!

SUPER55 grabs the fire bucket and hurls it at the GIANT SEALION, which unexpectedly catches it in midair and cradles it in its flippers, a sudden expression of ecstatic bliss displacing its previous one of homicidal mania.

GIANT SEALION
(dreamily)
I Has A Bucket…

There’s a creak – SUPER55 holds his breath – and the whole bottom of the gondola breaks up as the GIANT SEALION goes crashing through, the sand bucket remaining comically behind in midair.

GIANT SEALION
(VO, rapidly dopplering away)
Nooo, they be stealing my bucket…

SUPER55 and ALT-TORQ hang on for dear life as the air rushes out of the gondola. But SUPER55 levels his gun at the propane cylinder on the trolley.

SUPER55
I have had it with these motherfuckin’ Sealions
on this motherfuckin’ airship!

ALT-TORQ
You’ve been waiting years to say that, haven’t you…

SUPER55 shrugs – and fires.

EXT. – LUDENDORFF – OVER OCEAN

In the distance, the sun and the coast of California are just visible. But now a jet of flame roars through the whole bottom of the gondola of the airship, blasting out through the new hole near the front, but also taking out most of the windows. We see burning Chinese Sealions go flying out of all the holes and, trailing fire, hurtle down towards the unforgiving waters of the Pacific…

INT. - LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

The bridge is crammed with people. EUIO is desperately trying to unlock the wheel, using every possible combination on a huge keyring. Beside him, LJD767 uses her ample…charms to hold back the mass of rabble.

Off to one side, G.BONE is comfortably sitting back and reading his comic book.

G.BONE
That’ll be it now…

The whole bridge rocks from side to side and the lights flicker on and off as the WHOOMPH of the giant explosion is felt rather than heard.

ELADRIMSTAR
What’s he doing? Is he crazy?

G.BONE
He’s using propane to burn up the Sealions, and yes.

ELADRIMSTAR
But that’ll burn us up, too!

EUIO
(turning around)
Not…if we released the gasbags to flood this area with helium!
(smiles)
Which we did.

G.BONE
(in Minnie Mouse voice)
See? I bet you wouldn't have thought of that!

ELADRIMSTAR
But doesn’t that mean we’re going down.

EUIO
‘Down’ is such a negative phrase…

EXT. - LUDENDORFF SKY

The flames finally fade from around the burnt-out gondola. We see the bridge has indeed survived, but the gasbags are contracting and the airship is rapidly losing height.

INT. - LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO finally manages to unlock the wheel as we watch. Behind him, LJD767 is talking on the radio.

LJD767
That’s it. They’ve scrambled a circus of rescue biplanes.
You have a vector.

EUIO
(nods)
We’re home clear now.
(sadly)
Just a pity about Captain Qianlong and the others…
and those who gave their lives to save us…like Super55…

G.BONE
Don’t be too sure about that one, dude…

Unbelieving, everyone watches as the door slides open and SUPER55 – ALT-TORQ slung over his back – nonchalantly comes in. Aside from some burn marks on his clothes, he seems totally unharmed.

EUIO
You! But you…you were…

SUPER55
I’m Super55. That’s all that’s important.

Everyone nods solemnly.

EXT. – SAN FRANCISCO BAY – MORNING

On either side of the bay are huge flags – British Red Ensigns with a bear-paw symbol – and signs reading “THE DOMINION OF CALIFORNIA WELCOMES CAREFUL DRIVERS”.

As we watch, the airship, still partly on fire and totally out of control, drunkenly flies low over the mouth of the bay and clips the top of one of the flags and signs, ripping it loose.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO holds on tight to the wheel as it tries to vibrate out of his hands, trying to keep it aimed on target.

LJD767
Two degrees up! One down!

EUIO
(through gritted teeth)
I hardly think now is the time to adjust the thermostat!

SUPER55 pats EUIO on the shoulder.

SUPER55
You’re doing fine, Captain Vowels. Nice and easy.

EUIO
(nods, as sweat trickles down his forehead)
Thanks, sir.
(loudly)
Everyone, get ready for the ride of your life!

Through the main window, we can see the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE approaching…

EXT. – SAN FRANCISCO BAY – MORNING

The deflated airship streaks through the sky, almost hits the Golden Gate Bridge but passes just under it, and collapses with a massive splash into the water. There’s just enough helium left to cushion the impact.

The camera pans over the crash scene as we see rescue biplanes trailing ropes and helping to take people off. SUPER55 rises on his rocket boots and helps bring others to safety. We watch him land, alongside G.BONE and EUIO, on the bridge.

SUPER55
(slaps EUIO on the back)
A nice clean landing, sir!

EUIO
Aside from the fact that we wrote off the airship.

SUPER55
Just add another tally to Mr HelloLegend’s bill.
It’s going to get pretty darn steep after Mr Bone
testifies in court, you know.

G.BONE
Sure.
(with feeling)
I know this—I’m never travelling by airship again.
(sighs)
I wish there was some amazing way of travelling
without using an airship, or a plane, or a ship or whatever.
Some…magical way of travelling instantaneously from
place to place without moving…if I ever found one, I’d
spend the rest of my life enjoying it…

EUIO
(laughs)
You sound like Jules Verne.

G.BONE
Maybe.
Okay, so where’s this court-

As he speaks, there’s a flash of light and he suddenly disappears with a ‘pop!’

EUIO and SUPER55 stare at where G.BONE was, then at each other, then at the sky.

EUIO
What just happened…?

SUPER55
I don’t know, but it’ll be a lot harder to convict HelloLegend
without Mr Bone’s testimony!

EUIO
Don’t worry. These things have a way of sorting themselves out…

Cut to

EXT. – PACIFIC OCEAN – MORNING

A powerboat races across the ocean, HELLOLEGEND on top manning the wheel – we see crates of drugs piled in the back.

HELLOLEGEND
(muttering to himself)
They’ll never catch me!
I’ll be in Tahiti by the time that
Boner bozo is singing in California!
(pats the wheel in front of him)
Hah, they all laughed at me when
I won that speedboat on the darts programme…

Behind HELLOLEGEND, we suddenly see dark shapes in the water all around him…malevolent eyes…scorched SEALIONS…

HELLOLEGEND
(oblivious)
And once I get to Tahiti, it’ll be time to
poll the locals about which is cooler,
Golden Girls, baseball, Arizona, Star Trek
or the US Navy?
(laughs)
Not as though their opinions matter of course,
with them being racially impure Polynesians…

Something huge suddenly rears up in front of HELLOLEGEND’s boat and it capsizes, the drug boxes flying everywhere. HELLOLEGEND is flung clear and struggles to stay afloat.

HELLOLEGEND
(spitting angrily)
What? Who dares attack such a
VALUED CONTRIBUTOR as myself?

The GIANT SEALION rears up before him once more, its eyes flaming with fury. Behind it, two smaller SEALIONS, all of them covered in burns, bare their teeth at HELLOLEGEND.

GIANT SEALION
Mah associates have informed me that you are in possession
OF MAH BUCKET!

HELLOLEGEND
No! You cannot kill me! I have EARNED MY SENIORITY
and I am HERE TO STAaaaaaarrrgghhh!!!!

As the camera pans away, the water turns red…

And then the camera continues heading upwards. We leave the ocean behind, then the sky, as it fades to black and stars begin to twinkle in it. The waters below suddenly seem to curve back and we see that the world is round. For a brief instant, the camera pans across what looks like a steampunk space station, made out of compartments launched as shells from a huge cannon – then further beyond, into the blackness of space…

And it comes across a certain well-remembered starship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

A slightly younger-looking DOCTOR WHAT is impatiently watching as DAVE HOWERY, sitting behind the controls of the teleporter, is awkwardly picking his way through one set of buttons after another.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hurry up! How hard can it be?

DAVE HOWERY
Very, actually. The bastards who
built this thing didn’t have user-friendliness in mind.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shudders)
Don’t remind me.
(pause)
Look, all I want is a nice T-Bone steak, okay?
It’s not as though I’m asking for essentials like
booze and porn, for my sake!

DAVE HOWERY
(shrugs)
Alright, Doc, but don’t blame me if this doesn’t work…

DAVE HOWERY hits a random button, there’s a ‘pop!’, and a rather confused-looking G.BONE appears on the teleporter pad.

G.BONE
Um…hello?

DOCTOR WHAT turns threateningly on DAVE HOWERY.

DOCTOR WHAT
If he’s not at least carrying a Hawaiian pizza, you’re in trouble.

G.BONE
(staring down at himself in amazement)
Wow! It’s like magic! I was there and now I’m here!

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that’s the teleporter for you.

G.BONE
Teleporter? It sounds amazing!
Please can I try it myself? Can I can I can I?

DAVE HOWERY shrugs at DOCTOR WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
I’d be happy to hand this thing over to someone dedicated.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay.
(to G.BONE)
Congratulations. You’re recruited.

G.BONE
Cool!
(pause)
Er…to what?

DOCTOR WHAT
The crew of the good ship AH.com.
(claps him on the back)
Now, get to work. Your first priority
is to find me a decent steak!

G.BONE
(salutes smartly)
Yes sirree! Wow, this is fascinating
enough to keep me occupied forever!

Fade to black.

Caption: “FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER”

G.BONE is sitting back lazily on the chair in the teleporter room, his feet up on the controls – the teleporter pads glowing and fritzing randomly as he moves the positions of his feet – and with a comic book open on his chest.

The intercom beeps.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Anything yet, Mr Bone?

G.BONE
Yeah, yeah, whatever…

G.BONE clicks off the intercom, then settles back to read.

G.BONE
Hmm, Betty or Veronica – one of the great
philosophical dilemmas of our times…

Fade to black.

END ACT II


TAG


INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING

We see the smeary dreams effect in reverse as we return to the present. G.BONE stares up musingly at the ceiling as he concludes his story.

G.BONE
And – well, that’s it. That’s what it reminded me of.
(shudders)
Just as well those Sealions weren’t successful, though…

G.BONE suddenly looks down. MICHAEL and PSYCHO are still fighting each other – PSYCHO is now holding MICHAEL over the reactor core and trying to force his head into it, while DAVE HOWERY is still snoring in his hammock above it – and FLOCCULENCIO is turning the pages of his Karma Sutra with increasing avidity.

G.BONE
…dudes?

FLOCC
(distractedly)
Hmm? Oh, yes, a very fine tale, sirrah.
I especially like the part where the skunk
ate all those raspberries.

G.BONE
But there wasn’t a part with a skunk eating raspberries.

FLOCC looks at him over the top of his spectacles with the gently chiding manner of the schoolteacher.

FLOCC
(firmly)
I think you’ll find that there was.

G.BONE
(confused)
Uh…oh yes, of course there was.

G.BONE shrugs in puzzlement.

G.BONE
Sometimes I wonder if it was the right thing to do, joining this crew…

FLOCC
I think we all do, good sir. But then we remember how
uninteresting our lives were before the epic adventures
that crewing under Captain What can bring.

G.BONE
(stares at him)
Um…yeah, I guess.

In the background, MICHAEL suddenly manages to throw PSYCHO off his back – PSYCHO lands on top of DAVE HOWERY and awakes him with a start – KEIRA comes in, sees the scene and bursts into tears – MICHAEL smirks, then slips and falls off the reactor core with a cry –

FLOCC
(as KEIRA starts beating PSYCHO)
Excellent. Two fewer competitors for the pot.
Sixteen hours. Shall we split it like gentlemen?

G.BONE
Sure. I could use eight hours.
(smiles dreamily to himself)

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – SPACE

As the AH.com Ship drifts through space…

G.BONE
(VO, singing into karaoke machine)
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena!
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena!
Heeeeey…Macarena!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS


13Jun/110

4×01 – Kung-Fu Bob Vs. The Clonemaster

TEASER


INT- STUDIO- DAY

The camera opens on a scene with PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DR. WHAT, THANDE, and DAVE HOWERY all sitting in chairs and looking guilty and ashamed. IAN is standing behind them, red glow, sunglasses, and all.

IAN
Welcome to another episode of AH.COM: The Series.
It has come to my attention that several of the so called
‘Writer Chimps’ have been taking advantage of their job
to make fun of a certain individual on the show. I speak,
of course, of LANDSHARK. This poor character has been
maligned from the start by these writers… especially this one.
(smacks DAVE HOWERY on the back of the head)
Since a new season of the Series is beginning, I think this
is a good time to rectify this before it gets too out of hand.
From now on, LANDSHARK shall change from a poorly
written generic ‘angry Brit’ to a much more cultured and
sophisticated gentleman.

MICHAEL walks into the scene.

MICHAEL
Hey, I’m a Writer Chimp too!

IAN
(long pause)
Who are you?

MICHAEL walks off, dejected.

IAN
For the new season, LANDSHARK will be the epitome of grace
and culture, appearing with a pipe in one hand and a 17th century
biographical book in the other. He shall be the master of dry
sophisticated wit, instead of the butt of so many crude American
style jokes that our supposedly distinguished EIC…
(smacks PSYCHOMELTDOWN on the back of the head)
…seems to prefer. I think all of you will find this to be a
vast improvement in the Series. Good day.

IAN disappears with a pop. The Writer Chimps look at each other.

DAVE HOWERY
Dang, he seems pissed. What are we going to do?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You mean, what are you going to do…
you’re writing this episode.

The other Writer Chimps all walk off camera, leaving DAVE HOWERY by himself. He pulls out a bunch of loose paper and a pen, and thinks for a moment.

DAVE HOWERY
Cultured and sophisticated… I can do that. Hmmm….

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY

TORQUMADA is seen in here, working on something. LANDSHARK suddenly comes in, looking very uncomfortable, and holding onto his butt. He massively breaks wind.

LANDSHARK
TORQ, you gotta (fart) help me!
I’ve come down with (fart) a case
of galloping (fart) flatulence!

TORQUMADA
How the hell did you contract that?!

LANDSHARK
I think it was (fart) on that Peshawar Lancers
(fart) world, when IRONYUPPIE (fart)
and I visited that (fart) whorehouse in (fart) Calcutta.

TORQUMADA
How many times do I have to tell you guys, come to me
right after you get back from whoring in primitive timelines.
Well, as it happens, there is a drug that would get rid of that
in an instant. Unfortunately, we don’t have any.
So, the best I can do is…

He rummages around in a drawer and finally pulls out a big cork.

TORQUMADA
At this point, all I can do is stick this in your anus
and wait for the disease to pass.

LANDSHARK
Are you (fart) kidding me? Oh, all right, (fart)
if that’s all you can do. But, (fart) do you have a (fart)
bigger one?

TORQUMADA pulls out a bigger cork.

TORQUMADA
How’s this?

LANDSHARK
That’s big (fart) enough, but do you (fart)
have one that’s (fart) longer?

TORQUMADA pulls out a cork that is wide and nearly 8 inches long.

TORQUMADA
Will this do?

LANDSHARK
That’s long (fart) enough, but do you (fart)
have one that’s (fart) curves to the left?

TORQUMADA pulls out a wide, long cork that makes a right angle half way up its length..

TORQUMADA
Will this do?

LANDSHARK
Oh yeah! Ram it up there!

TORQUMADA
Okay, let me find my mallet, and…

INT- STUDIO- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is pacing and writing feverishly, when IAN suddenly reappears out of thin air, a very wrathful look on his face. DAVE HOWERY looks up at him in horror, screams “Oh God!”, tosses his papers in the air, and runs off camera.

IAN
No… God would be merciful.

The red glow behind his sunglasses flares for a moment. Off camera, we hear a scream and a horrible sizzling sound. IAN looks pleased with himself for a moment, and then catches one of the falling papers. He reads it, and grins to himself.

IAN
Hee hee! Galloping flatulence… that is kind of funny.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series


“KUNG FU BOB VS. THE CLONE MASTER”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY


ACT I


EXT- SPACE

The camera pans over a wide shot of the Earth from space, showing the area around Australia. As the shot moves away from Earth, we see a wormhole open up; the AH.COM emerges from it and settles into orbit.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DR. WHAT swivels around in his chair and looks at the view screen.

DR. WHAT
So, LEO, anything particularly interesting about this timeline?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve never seen anything quite like this world. First of all,
the population is very low, less than a million people total.
Humanity is restricted to a handful of population centers
around the world. There are only a few on each continent,
and only one in all of Australia. Each group seems to be
centered around a fortified mansion; these places are full
of advanced technology, everything from fusion power
plants to supercomputers. But only a handful of people
live in them. All around these castles, there are thousands
of people living in a Neolithic culture… they have no plastic,
no machinery… I don’t think they even have any metal!
They seem to exist on farms scratched out with wooden
and stone tools.

DR. WHAT
That is strange. Did this place get hit
with a nuclear war or something?

LEO CAESIUS
No, I’m not detecting any unusual radiation.
There are the remains of cities scattered
around the planet, but they seem to have
been abandoned fairly recently. Most of
them look like they have been burned…
looks like rioting took a lot of them down.

DR. WHAT
Hmmm… it’d be nice to find out just what
happened to this place, but we really don’t
need anything from them. I’d rather not go
down and mess around in some post-
apocalyptic feudal society. We all know
how that ends.

LEO CAESIUS
Do my audio recievers deceiving me?
Is our captain actually displaying some
tact and discretion?

DR. WHAT
Hardy har har. Someday, LEO, I’m going
to track down whoever programmed you
and kick him in the nuts for giving you that
sense of warped humor.

The repartee is interrupted by TORQUMADA on the intercom.

TORQUMADA
DR. WHAT! Come to the
Med Bay immediately please.
We have a medical emergency!

DR. WHAT looks at the rest of the crew for a moment, and then hops out of his chair and runs out of the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY

DR. WHAT is seen running into the room. He stops for breath and looks around. TORQUMADA is leaning over LUAKEL, who is lying on a bed, motionless, with eyes rolled back in his head. He has a pair of large corks stuffed into his ears.

DR. WHAT
What’s the emergency, TORQ?

TORQUMADA
Something’s wrong with LUAKEL.

DR .WHAT
LUAKEL?! Aw, geez, TORQ, I
thought you said it was important!

TORQUMADA
It is important!
He’s dying!
And it’s my fault!

DR.WHAT
Why’s that?

TORQUMADA
Back when I put his brain in the body
of this LUAKEL slaver that we ran
across, I did it in kind of a hurry. Well,
I didn’t catch something in the operation.
His cerebral brain fluid is leaking out
of his cranium. His brain is suffering,
and I need to go back in and fix it.

DR. WHAT
Leaking brain fluid? Well that explains
the corks in the ears. The poor kid.
Well, I give you the okay to go ahead
and do it.

TORQUMADA
No, DOC, you don’t understand.
I can’t fix him until I get a big batch
of SynCereThol on hand.

DR. WHAT
Wuzzat?

TORQUMADA
It’s a synthetic cerebral fluid used in
cloning and brain transplant surgeries.
I used all I had when I transferred
LUAKEL’S brain into this body, and
I don’t have any more.

DR. WHAT
Can we buy some at the Hub?

TORQUMADA
Probably… but it’s really expensive.
I don’t think we have enough cash
on hand to buy enough.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, I told MICHAEL and MATT
that they shouldn’t spend all our
money at that strip club three timelines
back. Who cares if the women there
had three boobs? Hmmm… could
THANDE make this stuff up for you?

TORQUMADA
(scoffing)
THADE??? He couldn’t mix kool-aid, let alone this!
He doesn’t have all the chemicals he needs on hand,
and the stuff takes weeks to fabricate.

DR. WHAT
Hmmm… I wonder if the planet here has
any of the stuff. LEO, you listening in?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m always listening, Doc.
(beat)
Always…
I’ll start scanning for SynCereThol right away.

DR. WHAT
Good. Well, TORQ, we’ll do our best to find some.
Even if it is just for LUAKEL. LEO, I’m heading up to the
Control Room. Tell me what you find when I get there.

DR. WHAT walks out of the Med Bay, shaking his head sadly.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is seen loafing in here, napping, reading comic books, and generally goofing off. The door starts to open, and all the crew instantly springs to life, reading dials and pushing buttons. DR. WHAT walks into the room, looks around for a moment, and then goes over to sit down in his chair.

DR. WHAT
LEO, any luck?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, I found quite a bit of it, right away.
There are several gallons of SynCereThol
in every one of those castles. A particularly
large amount is in that one down there
in Australia.

DR .WHAT
Great! Hmm… wonder what those
people would want in exchange for it?
We’re going to have to go down and
talk to them, offer them something.

MICHAEL
Why do you need SynCereThol, DOC?

DR. WHAT
TORQUMADA needs a bunch
of it for an emergency operation.

MICHAEL
Operation?! For who?!
It’s not LANDSHARK, is it?!

LANDSHARK (off camera)
Nonsense, chaps, I’m right
here, and I’m perfectly fit.

The camera pans over to LANDSHARK, sitting at his station next to IRONYUPPIE. He is elegantly tailored and manicured, with perfectly sculpted hair. He holds a meerschaum pipe in one hand and a book in the other. Everyone looks at him and sighs with relief.

IRONYUPPIE
(hugs Landshark)
Thank goodness!
I couldn’t bear to lose you!

LANDSHARK
Now now, my sweet, I’m quite all right. But,
captain, who is it who needs the operation?

DR. WHAT
It’s LUAKEL. He needs an
emergency brain operation soon.
But TORQUMADA needs a lot
of SynCereThol to do it. So…
down to the planet we go.

DR. WHAT swivels around in his chair, and gazes across the room at the crew.

DR. WHAT
Since that Australian castle has so
much of the stuff, we’ll go there to get it.
This is a nice peaceful trade mission,
so I’m going to take HENDRYK, KIT,
and THANDE with me. And LANDSHARK,
of course.

The camera switches to LANDSHARK, who puffs on his pipe, and nods in agreement.

LANDSHARK
And of course, I shall take
my faithful gun bearer with me.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn it, how many times do I have to tell you,
I’m not your… oh all right, I’ll go along.

MATT
Geez, all this effort to save LUAKEL?
Why are you bothering?

LANDSHARK
Now, MATT, that is no way to talk.
We are a team, and we must all
pull together. If it was your life on
the line, I’m sure you’d want us
to do the same for you.
And we would.

MATT nods and looks ashamed of himself.

DR .WHAT
Okay, team, get some gear together
and meet me in the teleportation room
in 20 minutes. Every minute is vital here.
Let’s move.

The team members all stand and hurry out of the room.

INT- AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM- DAY

G BONE is seen in here punching some numbers into the keypad on his station. As he finishes, DR. WHAT and his team walk into the room.

DR. WHAT
Looks like we’re ready to go.
LEO, just where are we going?

LEO CAESIUS
The castle is located just northeast of
the ruins of Canberra, near Lake George.
It is one of the better places in Australia
for the primitive farming they practice.
I have given the coordinates to G BONE.
Everything is ready.

DR. WHAT and the team step onto the teleportation platform.

DR. WHAT
Okay, G BONE, fire it up.

G BONE pushes the lever on his station all the way up. The team vanishes with a loud pop. G BONE then kicks back in his chair and pulls out a Supergirl comic book.

LEO CAESIUS
What are you doing?

G BONE
Relaxing for a while. The captain’s
off the ship, he’ll never know.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, but LANDSHARK will.
You know how he disapproves
of slacking like this. You don’t
want to disappoint him, do you?

G BONE
(sighs)
No, I don’t.

He goes back to work.

EXT- OUTSIDE THE CASTLE- DAY

The camera pans over a wide view of the area around the castle. We see fields with irrigation ditches, and people moving around in them, weeding and watering. The people are dressed in crude woolen garments, and most of them look unhappy. The camera pans over to the castle, a large rambling stone structure with a moat around it. A road leads from it through the fields. DR. WHAT, KIT, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, and FLOCCULENCIO appear on the road with a loud pop. They look around in curiosity at the people in the fields.

HENDRYK
My. These people are just as
primitive as LEO said they were.
Look, they’re using tools made
from wood and stone!
Not a bit of metal around here.

The camera switches to a view of the people, who are looking back at the team in surprise. They stand up from their work, and indeed, are holding primitive stone age tools. The team members look down at their own clothing and gear.

DR. WHAT
Boy, do we ever look out of place.
Let’s head up to the castle.

The team walks up the road, drawing stares from the natives all the way. As they get closer, they see a pair of guards standing at the front of the drawbridge across the moat. These are dressed in modern clothing and carry pistols on their belts. They are looking at the team in surprise… and anger too. The team walks up to them and stops.

DR. WHAT
Hello. We are representatives from the ship AH.COM.
We are here on a peaceful trading mission.
Can we see your leader?

The guards look at each other in puzzlement.

GUARD #1
You… want to talk to Master Rupert?

DR. WHAT
Yes. We wish to buy something he has.

The two guards look at each other, and then grin nastily.

GUARD #2
As you wish. Follow us.

They turn and walk along the drawbridge towards the manor. The team members all look at each other uneasily.

HENDRYK
I don’t like the looks of this. ‘Master Rupert’
seems to have a rather nasty reputation here.

LANDSHARK
Quite, quite, yes indeed.
Gun bearer! Have my
express rifle ready!

The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who is wearing a 19th Century Indian manservant’s outfit, complete with turban. He looks rather peeved.

FLOCCULENCIO
I keep telling you, I don’t have
your bloody express rifle!
This was supposed to be a
peaceful trade mission,
so DOC said no guns.

KIT
Why do you dress up like that and put up with all this?

FLOCCULENCIO
I can’t say. It’s just a sort of compulsion.
Every time I start to tell him to bugger off,
I end up agreeing.

DR. WHAT
Damn. This does look bad. What do
you think guys… do we risk it?

LANDSHARK
We must. If there is even a small chance
to save LUAKEL, we must take the risk.

The others nod at that, and they follow the guards out onto the drawbridge. The guards reach the main gate and bang on it with the butts of their guns. A small peephole opens and after an exchange of words, the gate is pulled open from the inside. The guards, followed by the team, walk into the manor house. They pass into a large courtyard; the camera pans around, showing a luxurious garden and a fountain. The guards lead the team forward to another steel door, this one leading into the main hall of the manor. After another brief exchange of words, this door also opens, and the team moves inside.

INT- MANOR HALL- DAY

The camera pans around the room, showing us a beautifully decorated throne room. It looks much like a medieval hall, except that it is lit by electric lights and there are people moving around who are carrying modern pistols. A handful of servant women are seen; all are extraordinarily beautiful, but they seem relegated to such tasks as cleaning and serving drinks. The team is seen entering; they look around in wonder. The camera switches to the far side of the room. A tall throne is near the wall there. The man sitting on it is youthful and arrogant looking. He is the local version of RUPERT MURDOCH, but he looks as if he is only in his 20’s. One of the guards who led the team inside walks over to him, bows briefly, and then goes over and whispers into RUPERT’S ear. RUPERT listens, and then sits up straight, a somewhat angry look on his face.

RUPERT
Strangers, you dare much in coming here and
passing among my people as richly dressed as
you are. But approach the throne.

The team members look down at their faded jeans and shirts not tucked in, and then shrug at each other. They walk forward, up to the foot of the throne, and bow politely.

DR. WHAT
Master RUPERT, we seek to buy…

RUPERT
Silence.

DR. WHAT immediately clams up, and RUPERT looks over all of them, with a distasteful expression.

RUPERT
Whoever you serve, your master
has transgressed the proper rules
of behavior by sending you like this.
Tell me, which master is yours?

DR .WHAT
Uh… we serve no master on this world. You see,
we come from… well, it’s hard to explain. Have
you ever heard the theory of points of departure
in history, and multiple planes of existence that result from…

RUPERT
Alternate realities. We are familiar with the concept.
But I never heard of anyone being able to move from
timeline to timeline. And you claim to have done so?

DR .WHAT
Yes, in a ship designed for that purpose.
We are explorers, you might say,
of the alternate realities.

RUPERT
Interesting. And do you serve some lord or
government in one of those timelines?

DR. WHAT
No, we are free agents.

FLOCCULENCIO
(muttering)
Because no one will have us…

RUPERT
And with the whole of existence in
your reach, why are you here?

DR. WHAT
Our scans showed us that you
have a large quantity of SynCereThol
available here. We would like to
purchase three gallons of it.

RUPERT
No.

DR. WHAT
(surprised)
But… Master RUPERT, a boy’s life is at stake here.
We can pay you with anything that you find valuable…
metals, chemicals, finished goods.

RUPERT
You have nothing I need.

DR .WHAT
But, sir! One of my crewmen is dying needlessly!
Why will you not agree to an exchange so we can save him?

RUPERT
The SynCereThol is mine.
These people are mine.
Everything here is mine.
(pause)
And because you come here and freely admit that
you serve no master, you are now mine.

At these ominous words, the team members look around, and see that several people with guns have made an appearance. Some look like guards, others look like technicians, and some look like police. There are also four men who are dressed in black martial arts robes; these have no guns, but carry a variety of martial arts weapons. All have surrounded the team.

DR. WHAT
You’re making a mistake here. Our ship can blow this
place into smithereens in no time.

RUPERT merely smiles and then motions to one of the techs. This man takes out a remote control and pushes a button on it.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is seen in here manning their stations and going about their tasks. GREY WOLF is sitting in the captain’s chair and looking at several reports on the view screen.

LEO CAESIUS
Uh, guys, something’s wrong.
An electronic scrambling field
just kicked into place around
the Australian castle. I can’t scan
into it. The team is in there, and
we won’t be able to teleport them out.

GREY WOLF
Bugger! Looks like DR. WHAT blew the negotiations.

He swivels around and looks at the crew.

GREY WOLF
Hopefully the situation will resolve
itself somehow, but in case it doesn’t…
MATT, put a rescue team together
and prepare to move down to the surface.

MATT
To rescue the captain and KIT, and all
that just to save LUAKEL? Why bother?

GREY WOLF
Have you forgotten that LANDSHARK is down there too?

MATT
Oh Jesus! I’ll get right on it!

MATT hops out of his chair and runs out of the room, a deeply worried look on his face.

INT- MANOR HALL- DAY

The team members are looking around anxiously as RUPERT’S henchmen close in on them. From his throne, RUPERT smiles arrogantly.

RUPERT
Did you think we were so primitive and
helpless here? Your ship will not be able
to fire on us. You broke one of our most
basic laws here, outlanders. If you are
not Masters, then you must belong to a Master.
Your lives and positions in whatever
world you come from are now meaningless.
You are mine.

DR. WHAT looks first outraged, then scared, and then angry. He pulls a communicator out of his pocket and attempts to speak into it, but one of the black clad martial artists moves blindingly fast. He clouts DR. WHAT on the head and snatches the communicator out of his hand. He then hands it to RUPERT, who looks at it a moment. He then turns it on and speaks into it.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
GREY, we are receiving a communication from the surface.
It’s from DR. WHAT’S comm unit, but it’s not his voice.
I’m putting it on speakers.

The ceiling mounted speakers crackle into life.

RUPERT (on speakers)
To the ship in orbit… this is Master RUPERT.
Your crew members are now my servants.
Leave this world immediately. Do not attempt
to rescue them, or their fate shall be yours.

GREY WOLF starts to reply, but the communication is suddenly cut off. A look of fury goes across his face.

GREY WOLF
That… damn… arrogant… wanker! Who the bloody hell
does he think he is, talking to us like that?!

He pushes a comm button on the arm of the chair.

GREY WOLF
MATT, looks like we’re going to have to go with the rescue plan.
Let’s wait for night, and then teleport your team to the surface.
Load up with everything you can carry… this is going to be a tough one.

INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- DAY

The camera shows a long shot down a dimly lit corridor. Barred prison cells are seen along both sides, with doors and huge locks. The team members walk into the camera view, being forced along by several guards with guns and one of the black clad martial artists. The group stops in front of one of the cells, and a guard unlocks it. He gives the key to the martial artist, and then the guards all leave. The martial artist motions for the team to go into the cell.

The team members all look at each other a moment, and then all of them jump the martial artist. The camera shows a confused and blurry long shot of flying fists and feet, and bodies being tossed around.

The camera switches to a shot inside the cell. The team members are seen lying on the floor there, welts and bruises all around. They look up and see the martial artist without a scratch. He sneers down at them, shuts the cell door, locks it, and walks away.

DR. WHAT
Son of a BITCH! That bastard moves faster than
GREY WOLF in a bar giving out free booze.

FLOCCULENCIO
Bloody hell! My arm feels like it
was twisted halfway out of the socket!

KIT
My face! My oh so pretty face! He put bruises on it!
Oh, that’ll take ages to recover!

HENDRYK
Well, once again, here we are in a prison with
no weapons and hoping the crew will rescue us.

DR. WHAT
Of course they’ll rescue us… LANDSHARK is here.
That’s why I bring him along… if anything goes wrong,
the rest of the crew is bound to come running.

Everyone looks at LANDSHARK, who seems to be unruffled from the whole experience. He’s calmly puffing on his meerschaum pipe and glancing through a book on 19th century explorers.

EXT- OUTSIDE CASTLE- NIGHT

The camera pans around the moonlit empty fields. None of the peasants are to be seen. The camera stops on a view of the castle, lit up with electric lights. A team from the AH.COM pop into view; MATT, DMA, IRONYUPPIE, and MICHAEL. All are wearing body armor and carrying a massive amount of weaponry; BFGs, bolters, grenades, LAWs, knives, and pistols. They look around cautiously.

DMA
The scans LEO managed to get of
the place before that scrambling
field popped up showed that the
main gate is the only way into the
castle. It’s going to be tough
busting into there right in plain sight.

MATT
Hey, when you have rocket launchers,
you can make your own door.
Let’s move around to the side,
cross the moat, and blast our
way in.

The rest of the team nods at that, and then all move off to the left. They walk slowly along an irrigation ditch, being careful to stay out of the lighted areas around the castle. As they move along, the camera shifts to a view of the water in the ditch… a reed is seen poking up out of the water. It suddenly twitches around and then disappears. A head is seen rising out of the water, and the man stands up… it is one of the black clad martial artists. Moving with absolute silence, he moves out of the ditch and behind the party. The camera switches back to the party. MATT’S communicator suddenly crackles into life, and LEO CAESIUS is heard speaking out of it.

LEO CAESIUS
Heads up, team! The
enemy is all around you!

The team members whirl in all directions, guns pointing. MATT is startled to see the man behind the team, but suddenly more of the black clad martial artists burst out of hiding in the mud and water. The team is suddenly surrounded by a dozen of them, all carrying various nunchucks, staves, and martial art weapons.

MATT
Get ‘em!

MATT starts to point his BFG, but the man snatches it out of his hands. He pauses to gather in a deep breath, and then with a shout, he twists his hands and breaks the BFG in half. MATT goggles at the sight, and then tries to draw his pistol, but the martial artist kicks it out of his hand. MATT then tries to pull out his grenades, LAW, and knife, but the man kicks each out of his hands. Finally, MATT futilely pats his hands over his belt.

MATT
Holy shit, I’m out of weapons!

He looks around briefly to see that the other team members are having similar problems. IRONYUPPIE’S weapons are scattered on the ground around her, but she is managing to hold her own with bare hands, but a pair of martial artists are slowly bringing her down with nunchuks. DMA lies pinned on the ground, one of the martial artists having his wrist in a twisted lock hold. MICHAEL is lying in the mud, apparently hurt. MATT turns back to his own attacker, who suddenly moves very fast. His open hand smashes the face plate off of MATT’S helmet. A kick to the chest sends MATT flying into the irrigation ditch. He starts to rise, but the man leaps onto him with a shout. The man’s foot shoves MATT’S head below the water. MATT’S arms are seen flailing around for a moment, and then trying to get a grip on the man’s leg, but he seems unable to shift him. After a moment, MATT’S arms go limp, and fall back into the water. The martial artist looks around to see that the rest of the team has been captured. IRONYUPPIE has been beaten into unconsciousness with nunchuks, DMA has his hands tied behind his back, and MICHAEL is still hurt. The martial artists hustle the captives down the road towards the castle. The camera pans back to the irrigation ditch, where MATT can be seen floating in the water, face down. A strong looking hand reaches from off camera, grabs MATT’S arm, and pulls him quickly out of the scene.

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

GREY WOLF is seen in the captain’s chair, looking rather pale.

GREY WOLF
So… all of them have been captured?

LEO CAESIUS
Apparently. IRONYUPPIE, MICHAEL, and DMA were
taken into the scrambling field around the castle before
G BONE could lock onto them. However… MATT is
still outside of it. He is being taken away from the castle
by one of the peasants, I think. His life signs are extremely low.
Shall I have G BONE teleport him up here?

GREY WOLF
Hmm… no. Not unless the peasants look like they intend to hurt him.
It looks to me as if they are helping him… otherwise, why bother
dragging him off? Keep a close eye on him, though.
Let’s see where this all leads.

INT- MED BAY- NIGHT

TORQUMADA is seen pacing nervously in front of LUAKEL’S bed. He stops to look at a digital readout on a monitor over the bed. The various bars showing LUAKEL’S vital signs are slowly dropping.

INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT

The camera shows the martial artists bringing the captives into the throne room. IRONYUPPIE is conscious and looking extremely pissed off, but her hands are bound and her feet are in restraints that force her to take short steps. DMA is similarly bound, and MICHAEL is still unconscious. The prisoners are paraded up to the throne, and RUPERT looks down on them in semi-amusement.

RUPERT
So… the people on your ship did
not listen to me. Now, they will pay for it.

He gets off the throne and steps down to look over the prisoners, first at IRONYUPPIE.

RUPERT
This one has spirit, and
could breed many strong workers.

IRONYUPPIE snarls at him and tries to move forward, but the guards keep her back. RUPERT next looks at DMA, shakes his head, and then looks at MICHAEL.

RUPERT
This one would scarcely be worth the effort.
(to DMA)
Unfortunately for you, an object lesson is needed.
Your ship ignored my demands. Tomorrow night, outlander,
you will be executed. Your people need to learn…
everything here is mine.

END ACT I

ACT II


INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- NIGHT

The camera pans around a small dark room, light only by a pair of torches. The room is empty except for some mats on the floor, and a single rough cot. MATT is lying on the cot, sleeping soundly. A figure off camera is heard entering the room, and a shadow falls across MATT’S face. He stirs and opens his eyes. He stares blankly for a moment, and then gasps and sits up, looking wildly around.

The camera switches to his POV. A young and very pretty Asian woman is looking down at him with interest. She wears a white martial art outfit with a black belt. She is slim but strong looking. She smiles at MATT.

WOMAN
Rest, stranger. You’ve been through
a lot and you need to recover
your strength. You nearly drowned.
Actually, you had drowned,
but we were able to revive you.

She pauses, and runs a finger over the power armor on his chest.

WOMAN
How do you come to have
so much forbidden material?
So much metal and plastic…

MATT
Uh… it’s a long story. Who are you?

WOMAN
You can call me SHADOW LOTUS.

MATT
That’s pretty… but I
can’t imagine your
parents named you that.

SHADOW LOTUS
(shrugs)
I have another name, but it is my slave name.
I do not use it. SHADOW LOTUS is my Society name…
my real name.

MATT
Uh… Society? What society?

Before she can answer, the door opens, and a man steps into the room. He is also Asian and also strong looking. He wears a white martial art suit and is carrying a bag made out of hide. He looks down at MATT in frank curiosity.

MAN
Welcome to the Society of Thanatos, stranger.

MATT
The what of who?

MAN
I’ll explain later. Now… who are you?
You look like no one I have ever seen.
And you have so much forbidden material…

MATT
I’m MATT, Weapons Specialist
on the MES AH.COM.

The two Asians look at each other blankly a moment.

MAN
Okay, you can explain that one later.
Now… why are you here?

MATT
Well, several of our crew came
here to bargain with the leader
in the castle for a chemical we
need… damn, I almost forgot!
LUAKEL! Shit! Anyway… that
idiot lord took them captive.
I was trying to rescue them when
those black clad ninjas took out
the whole team.

MAN
Ah, stranger, that was a mistake.
You see, in this world, there are
only Masters and serfs. You can-
not bargain with a Master, because
he thinks he owns everyone and
everything in his domain. Only a
Master can bargain with another
Master.

MATT
Masters. Serfs. How did this
world get so fucked up?
But wait… first, who are you?
And what is this Society?

MAN
I can answer all that.
But my name… call me
RISING DREAM.

MATT
Uh huh. And your slave name?

RISING DREAM
It is unimportant,
but it is AOZHOUHUAREN.

MATT
I’se a whorin’?!

RISING DREAM
No, AOZHOUHUAREN.

MATT
Oz how heron?

RISING DREAM
No, it’s simple…
AOZHOUHUAREN.

MATT
(long pause)
I’m just going to call you BOB.

RISING DREAM/AOZHOUHUAREN/ HEREAFTER KNOWN AS BOB
(shrugs)
It is irrelevant. My true name is RISING DREAM.
Now… to answer your questions…

He and SHADOW LOTUS take a moment to sit cross legged on the floor.

BOB
Most of what we know of our history is word of mouth these days.
Once, we had a culture of technology and industry. Then, the oil ran out.
Nations rioted and warred over what little remained. Many died.
A genetically engineered virus unleashed by some fool killed much
of the world’s population. A handful of places worked to develop
nuclear fission, and finally, one succeeded. At the same time, other
research places perfected cloning, and yet others brought the state
of computer engineering to a high degree. At this time, a handful
of the wealthy on each continent seized power and the means of
industry. They set up fortified manors with fission power plants,
cloning banks, and massive computer power. These wealthy men
then set themselves up as the Clonemasters, or just Masters. They
effectively live forever, by using computers to transfer their brain
patterns into new young bodies every time they get old or injured.
They slowly forced all others into servant status. Those who live
inside the manor houses are either trained technicians or guards,
positions of wealth and honor in the Clonemaster household. These
people also scour the population for the most beautiful of women,
who are taken into the castles to be servants. Everyone else, everyone
who lives outside the walls, are serfs, peasants, slaves. We have no
privileges, no protection, no recourse to law. The Masters eventually
forbade us to have such things as metal or plastic, or any means of
technology. They force us to live in squalid misery, growing the food they eat.

MATT
Cloning… that explains the
gallons of SynCereThol the
place has. But go on… tell
me about this Society of yours.

BOB
The Society of Thanatos. This is the only means we have to strike back.
Denied weapons and even metal, groups of martial artists banded together
to form resistance groups. We have perfected the martial arts to the highest
level ever known to man. We are denied weapons, but we need none. Our
bodies are the only weapon we need. We call ourselves Terminators, and
our goal is elimination of the Masters. On other continents, our groups have
taken out several of the Clonemasters, but it is always a difficult task. Here,
we watch, we wait, we look for an opportunity. Someday, we will assault
the manor house of Master RUPERT, kill him and all his clones, and
destroy his equipment. The Clonemasters shall never rise again.

MATT
Now, that’s a goal I can agree with. Hmmm…
I think I can help you. But… I wonder if the
guards left any of our gear behind when they
took the team away.

BOB takes the bag off his belt and spills it out on the floor.

BOB
The Jellies took most
of your gear, but they
missed a few things
in the mud.

MATT
Okay… uh… Jellies?

BOB
A nickname. When the Society took out a few of the Clonemasters,
they began to gather their own martial artists to help defend them.
They are the men in the black martial arts outfits who attacked your team.
They are skilled, but to a lesser degree than any of us. They stoop
to using actual weapons… a true master needs none. The serfs called
them ‘spineless jellies’… but not to their faces. Eventually, it got
shortened to just Jellies.
(grins)
If you ever want to make one of them very angry,
call them a Jelly to their face.

MATT is pawing through the items on the table; a couple of grenades, some clips for guns which aren’t there, and a communicator. MATT grabs the last item with a smile.

MATT
Yes! Now, I can contact the ship, come up with a plan…

BOB
Ship? Perhaps it is time you told us where you come from.

MATT
(sighs)
That’s going to take a little time…

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

GREY WOLF is still sitting in the captain’s chair, looking very tired and badly in need of a drink, when the ceiling speakers crackle into life.

MATT (on speakers)
Hey, guys, this is MATT. Anyone there?

GREY WOLF
I’m here. It’s good to hear from you?
What’s happening down there?

MATT
Well, the rest of the team was captured, but I managed
to make contact with a local resistance group. I got a plan,
but I need to get some stuff. Connect me to G BONE,
so he can teleport what I need.

GREY WOLF
Will do. You need anyone to come down and help you?

MATT
Nope. Trust me, these guys are… really good.

INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- NIGHT

MATT is seen talking on the communicator.

MATT
Okay, G BONE, send that stuff down to my location
as soon as you get it all together. What’s that? No,
I don’t know if LANDSHARK is okay. MATT out.

He turns off the communicator, and turns to BOB.

MATT
Okay, all I need is to get this gear, and we have a plan.
Wait for tomorrow night and…

He stops as two more Terminators walk into the room. One is the local version of BLACKMAGE, and the other is…

MATT
Geez! MICHAEL!

MICHAEL
Eh… wot? That’s my slave name, mate.
My true name is GOLDEN SONG.

MATT
Sounds kinda girly to me, but it’s better than Golden Shower.
(to BLACKMAGE)
And your name is? Wait, didn’t I kill you once?

BLACKMAGE
Obviously not. My true name is LEAPING DRAGON.

MATT
No, I’m sure I killed you once.
You were a Space Marine and…

GOLDEN SONG
(to BOB)
Bad news, boss. The peasants say that RUPERT
has made an announcement. He is going to execute
one of the strangers he captured.

MATT
(panicked)
It’s not LANDSHARK, is it?!

LEAPING DRAGON
No, it was the one you call DMA.

MATT
Oh, thank God! Wait, that’s not good news!
They can’t kill one of my people and get away
with it! BOB, get all the Terminators in here,
and I’ll go over the plan.

BOB
We are all here.

MATT
What?! There’s only four of you?!

BOB
Training to be a Terminator is not easy, and
few are called to the task. It takes many years
of training, practically from birth.
Few are able to handle it.

MATT
Okay. Well, here’s what I have in mind…

He pulls a sketched map of the castle out of his pocket and spreads it out on the floor.

INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- MORNING

The camera opens on a shot of the crowded prison cell; all the captives are here, and waking up grumpily. MICHAEL is still unconscious on the floor, but everyone else seems healthy, except for bruises. DMA looks like he hasn’t slept all night; he’s sitting up against the wall, wide eyed and pale.

KIT
Bugger, we’re still here.
I was hoping it was all a
bad dream.

HENDRYK
If only. Damn, DMA, you look like hell.

DMA
You would too if they were going to cut your throat tonight!
Or shoot you or burn you at the stake or…

VOICE (off camera)
It’ll be a beheading.

The crew turns to see a Jelly standing outside their cell. He holds a plate of food in his hands. He slides it under the door.

JELLY
Bullets are too expensive to waste on executions.
No, it’s the headsman’s axe for you. Eat up…
although, if I were you, I wouldn’t waste any food on that one.
(motions to DMA)

The Jelly walks away. The crew members look at each other, and then at the food.

KIT
My God, that’s disgusting!

IRONYUPPIE
What did you expect, beef Wellington?

KIT
Why not? Our captor is a
cultured gentleman, even
if he is a bloody handed tyrant.

LANDSHARK
Now, chaps, even if the food is substandard, we must consume it.
We must keep our strength up, and hope that we’ll be able to turn
the tables on these blighters. Come now, gun bearer, tuck in!

FLOCCULENCIO
For that last damn time, I am not… oh bloody hell!

FLOCCULENCIO takes a handful of food, holds his nose, and takes a bite. He chews and swallows hurriedly, and makes a disgusted face.

FLOCCULENCIO
Blimey! This tastes like pickled cow’s butt!

DR. WHAT
Just how do you know what that tastes like?

FLOCCULENCIO
I’d rather not tell you that.

INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- DAY

MATT is seen in here pacing back and forth. He stops to look at the digital watch built into the armor on his arm, then resumes pacing. SHADOW LOTUS is sitting on the floor in the lotus position, eyes closed, meditating. She opens her eyes and sees MATT pacing.

SHADOW LOTUS
You should relax, MATT. Pacing and worry does no good.
Night will come when it comes.

MATT
I always get nervy before a big operation. And so much is
riding on this one. Relax… must relax.

He stops and looks down speculatively at SHADOW LOTUS. He sits on the floor in front of her, and tentatively puts a hand on her knee.

MATT
I do know one way to relax. You know, we may be
going to our deaths tomorrow, and…

She merely smiles and gently moves his hand away.

SHADOW LOTUS
I admit, it is… tempting. But I cannot. Terminators
abstain from pleasures of the flesh. It is a distraction.

MATT stares at her wide eyed.

MATT
My God! You mean, all you Terminators practice
abstinence your whole lives?! I’d be climbing the walls…

SHADOW LOTUS
We can actually do that… climb walls, I mean. But yes,
abstinence is part of our discipline. Once you experience
carnal pleasures, it always is part of your mind, and will
be a distraction from the Art. Think of the warrior you
could be if you had never given in to lust, without the
thought of pursuit of women to cloud your mind.

MATT
Honey, that train left the station a
looooooong time ago. But… must relax.

He awkwardly puts himself into the lotus position, his power armor making it difficult.

MATT
Okay, I’ll try it your way. Now what?

SHADOW LOTUS
Clear your mind of all thoughts of the coming battle,
or battles of the past. Focus on something soothing…
pools of water, rolling surf, anything calm, repetitive…

The two close their eyes and sit motionless for a moment.

MATT
Actually, there is one thing you can do that
will relax me, and it’s not naughty or anything.

She opens her eyes and looks at him inquisitively.

MATT
Last night, when you dragged me here and revived me…
please tell me it was you who gave me mouth to mouth, and not BOB.

SHADOW LOTUS grins and closes her eyes again.

MATT
Hey, I’m not kidding, I would really like to know that…

INT- AH.COM MED BAY- DAY

TORQUMADA is looking at the monitor over LUAKEL’S bed, a very grim expression on his face. He looks around as GREY WOLF enters the room.

GREY WOLF
How’s he doing?

TORQUMADA
Not good. He hasn’t got much longer. If I don’t
operate tomorrow, he’s done for. And I can’t
operate without that SynCereThol.

GREY WOLF
If MATT’S plan works, you’ll have it tonight.
G BONE sent down the stuff that he requested.
The attack goes on in a couple of hours.

The two look at LUAKEL lying motionless in the bed. He is deathly pale and seems shrunken in size.

EXT- OUTSIDE THE AUSTRALIAN CASTLE- NIGHT

The camera opens with a far shot of the lighted castle. The camera pans away from it out across the empty fields. It stops when the four Terminators and MATT come into view. MATT has been reequipped; he has a sniper rifle with scope and silencer slung over his shoulder, a bolter at his belt, and a pack on his back. He is looking at the castle through a pair of high tech binoculars.

MATT
Just a couple of guards out front.
Everyone else must be inside,
waiting to see them kill poor DMA.
Damn it, no one gets to kill our people…

He takes the sniper rifle off of his shoulder and chambers a round. He then goes down prone on the ground, resting the rifle on a mound of dirt. He carefully peers through the infrared scope, and then fires two quick shots. He looks through the scope again.

MATT
And… scratch two guards. Now…

He squints through the scope again, and fires a single shot.
The camera switches to a view of the castle. One of the electric lights over the main gate winks out. More shots are heard, and more of the lights go out, one by one, until the entire front of the castle is dark.

The camera switches back to MATT, who takes the binoculars, turns them to infrared mode, and looks through them.

MATT
All clear. Doesn’t look like anyone
else was on guard. Damn sloppy, that is…

BOB
Okay, Terminators, this is it… move up.

The group all quietly jogs forward. MATT has his bolter out and is looking around as he moves. BOB is in the lead. When the group gets about halfway to the castle, BOB suddenly holds up a hand, and everyone stops. The Terminators assume karate ready stances. MATT looks around in confusion.

MATT
Uh… guys, what…

Six Jellies suddenly burst out of the mud and attack. They are fast and skilled… but the Terminators are much faster and much more skilled. Their arms and legs make whooshing sounds as they strike, and they seem to anticipate the Jellies’ every move. MATT is frantically aiming his bolter all over, but the Jellies go down faster than he can get a bead on them. After a fight of about eight seconds, MATT finds himself standing in the middle of the Terminators, dead Jellies all around.

MATT
(muttering)
Sweet Mother of God….

BOB
Let’s move!

The group continues their advance on the castle.

INT- MANOR HOUSE- NIGHT

The camera shows a wide panning shot of the throne room. A low platform has been set up in the middle of the room. On it, there is a block of wood, stained with old dried blood. A man in black robes and a black hood stands there, a huge axe in his hands. A line of Jellies is standing in front of the platform, weapons ready. Off to the side, a milling horde of techs, police, and guards are standing in a mob, cheering and yelling. RUPERT is on his throne, overlooking everything.

RUPERT
Bring out the prisoner!

INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- NIGHT

DMA is seen being pulled out of the cell by a Jelly. A group of guards with pistols has them pointed at the other crew members, who look furious, but are standing at the back of the cell. As DMA exits the cell, a guard shuts the door and locks it again. The guards take DMA down the hall.

INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT

Everyone cheers when DMA is brought into the room. The guards drag him up onto the platform and shove him down so that his head is on the chopping block. The headsman grunts and hefts his axe.

EXT- MANOR HOUSE- NIGHT

MATT and the Terminators are seen moving up to the steel door that leads into the throne room. MATT tries the door but it is locked.

MATT
All right, a locked door! I’ll take care of this.

BOB
No, I will.

The camera focuses on BOB. He closes his eyes and draws in several deep breaths. The camera switches to a shot of his right hand, which clenches so tight that the veins stand out on his arm. The camera switches to a further shot of BOB, and he explodes into action. He slams his fist into the steel door. It tears off the wall with a shriek of metal and falls flat on the ground. The Terminators and MATT run through the doorway.

INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT

The headsman has the axe held high. Just before he can swing it down, the steel door to the hall is heard crashing down. The headsman pauses and looks around in surprise. The camera switches to a shot of the doorway; MATT and the Terminators are seen running into the room. As they stop to look around, MATT quickly sees DMA and the headsman.

MATT
Oh no you don’t!

He fires a single shot. The headsman takes the round in the chest and falls backwards off the platform, a bloody wreck.

The camera switches to a high shot over the room. We see RUPERT rising from his throne in shock, the Jellies whirl and face the intruders, and DMA stumbling away from the chopping block. The room goes quiet, and the background music starts playing the opening lines from “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
Oh ho ho HOOOOOOOOOOOO….

With loud ‘Hiyah!’ shouts, the Jellies assume fighting stances and brandish their weapons.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
Oh ho ho hoooooooooooooooooo….

With similar loud shouts, the Terminators assume fighting stances, while MATT belatedly raises his bolter and gives a half-hearted shout as well.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
Everybody was kung fu fighting…..

With more shouts, the Jellies and Terminators charge each other, while MATT moves off to one side, looking rather bemused.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
Those cats were fast as lightning…

The camera shows BOB in action. He blocks a stave blow from one Jelly, and then smashes the stave in half; a swift kick crushes the Jelly’s skull.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
In fact, it was a little bit frightening….

SHADOW LOTUS is seen leaping into the air and smashing her foot into the face of a huge Jelly, dropping him like a rock. Pursued by two other Jellies, she runs across the room, and actually runs halfway up one of the walls, does a backflip and lands on her feet behind the two Jellies, and drops both of them with spine crushing blows from her fists.

BACKGROUND MUSIC
But they fought with expert timing…

GOLDEN SONG is seen surrounded by three Jellies. He makes a sudden twirling attack on one leg and simultaneously punches one Jelly in the groin, punches another in the kneecap and crushes it, and lashes out with a kick to break the neck of the third.

The background music fades as the camera pans out across the room, showing the battling Jellies and Terminators. The camera switches to the mob of techs and guards, looking on in fear. One of the guards nudges another and points to something off camera. The camera switches to their POV. We see MATT standing to one side of the melee, looking like he feels out of place. The guards and techs all draw their pistols and open fire on him. But the guns are small caliber and the bullets don’t come close to punching through his armor. MATT turns and looks on somewhat amused as the bullets ricochet off his armor. The guards stop firing when they realize they’re having no affect. MATT grins and raises the bolter.

MATT
My turn!

The camera switches to a close up view of the bolter muzzle; it fires on full automatic. Screams are briefly heard off camera.

The camera pulls back to a wider view of MATT, who ceases firing. He looks down at something off camera and makes a disgusted face.

MATT
Damn, bolters are so messy…

He turns suddenly and looks at something off camera. The camera switches to his POV, and we see RUPERT standing by a metal door behind the throne. MATT raises his bolter, but RUPERT moves through the door and slams it shut. MATT looks briefly disappointed and then hops up onto the platform. He finds DMA there, huddling on the ground, white and shaking.

MATT
Pull yourself together, man!

DMA
Easy for you to say!
You weren’t about to
have yourself shortened
by a head!

MATT pulls him to his feet, draws a knife, and cuts the ropes on his hands.

MATT
Hey, where are the others?

DMA
Down that stairwell over there, down in the dungeons.

MATT
Good. Search the guards, find the keys, and go get them.

DMA moves off to do that, and MATT stands ready, bolter raised. The camera switches to a wide view of the room, and we see that the Terminators have beaten all the Jellies. They run forward up to the steel door behind the throne.

MATT
What’s behind there?

BOB
Everything. The cloning tanks, the computers…
everything we need to destroy.

MATT
(smacks forehead)
Damn, I almost forgot! Look, guys, I need one of the chemicals
that they have in there. Destroy everything else, but leave the
jars of chemicals until I find what we came for in the first place.

LEAPING DRAGON
I don’t know… our goal is to destroy all the cloning
equipment so that the Clonemasters cannot ever return.

MATT
Look, we’ll take the whole supply of this one chemical
to our ship and then it’ll be gone to another timeline. I
wouldn’t ask, but there’s a life at stake here. He’s just a kid.
Sure, nobody really likes him and he’s a first class annoyance,
but still, he’s one of us.

BOB
Very well; we won’t destroy the chemical storage
until you find it. Now, for this door…

MATT
No wait! It’s my turn!

He pulls a block of C4 out of his pack and attaches it to the door. He puts in a fuse and motions everyone away to the sides. He pulls a remote detonator out of his pocket.

The camera switches to a view of the far side of the door. Two Jellies are standing guard there. The door suddenly explodes, and flying steel shards tear both Jellies to shreds. Moments later, the Terminators and MATT run through the doorway.

MATT
Ooh-rah! Now that’s how we open doors in my town!

BOB
Crude, but effective. Now… let’s split up. The computer banks
are there to the left, while the cloning facilities are through that
door to the right. The Master’s personal chambers lie ahead of us.
GOLDEN SONG and I shall take out the computers. The rest of
you, take out the clone tanks. When we’ve finished, we shall all
go forward and confront the Master himself. Move!

The team all nod in agreement, and then everyone moves off as directed.

INT- COMPUTER CENTER- NIGHT

The camera pans across a room filled with supercomputer towers, work stations, and monitors. Several techs are seen running around in here frantically. A serving girl with a tray and bottles is off to one side. Her scream attracts all the techs attention. The camera switches to the door, where BOB and GOLDEN SONG are seen entering the room. The two Terminators look at each other a moment, and then both grin. As the techs scream and run, the Terminators start gleefully smashing computer equipment with their bare fists. Sparks fly, lights blink, and smoke rises from the ruined equipment. The camera focuses in on GOLDEN SONG, who is happily pummeling a workstation. He pauses, and whirls around in fighting stance… but it is only the cowering serving girl, still holding onto her tray. GOLDEN SONG turns away… and the girl promptly smashes a bottle over his head. His eyes cross, he gets a goofy smile on his face, and birds are heard chirping for a moment.

GOLDEN SONG
Oh dear, Mummy, I seem to have stepped in something icky.

He topples sideways, out cold. The servant shrieks and runs as BOB leaps over. He ignores the girl, and puts a finger to GOLDEN SONG’S throat. After a moment, he stands, shakes his head in bemusement, and runs out of the room. The camera pans across the room, showing that it has been completely trashed.

INT- CLONING ROOM- NIGHT

The camera opens on a shot of the doorway to the room. SHADOW LOTUS and LEAPING DRAGON are seen running into the room, with MATT panting along behind them. They pause and look around. The camera switches to a view of the room. There is more computer equipment in here, but the room is dominated by a dozen huge glass tanks. Each is filled with amber liquid. Clones are growing in them, obviously those of RUPERT. They vary in development from skeletal to nearly complete. A pair of Jellies are seen in the room; they whirl to face the intruders. One with a staff charges at LEAPING DRAGON, who squares off against him. The other circles SHADOW LOTUS warily. He pulls out a pair of nunchuks and whirls them around his body in a display of amazing technique and skill, obviously the result of many years of training. SHADOW LOTUS watches him for a moment, and then suddenly grins and stands up straight. The Jelly looks at her in disbelief a moment, and then whirls around. MATT is there, a grin on his face and the bolter pointed right at the Jelly. He fires, and the Jelly goes down, hit in the chest. MATT looks around and sees the other Jelly lying dead at the feet of LEAPING DRAGON. He looks back at SHADOW LOTUS.

MATT
Thanks, babe! I always wanted to do the Indiana Jones thing.

Something small and metallic bounces off of his armor. As he looks around in puzzlement, the two Terminators whirl and crouch. Two Jellies are on top of the cloning tanks; each holds several throwing spikes. They start flinging them at the Terminators, who dodge and jump to avoid them. SHADOW LOTUS runs at one tank, dodging spikes all the way. She runs straight up the tank and begins fighting the Jelly on top of it. LEAPING DRAGON avoids most of the spikes, but one strikes him in the thigh. He contemptuously swats it aside, and continues forward. Suddenly, he stops and staggers, clutching at his chest. He collapses to his knees.

LEAPING DRAGON
P… p…. poison…

He falls face down to the floor. The Jelly who killed him stands up and spits at the body… and then he drops as a bolter round hits him in the chest. The camera switches to MATT, who lowers his bolter.

MATT
Idiot! Never stop to gloat over a fallen enemy in the middle of a fight!
Yeah, how do you like them apples, you goddamn… OOF!

MATT is knocked down on his back as another Jelly hops out from behind a tank and kicks him in the chest. He tries to raise the bolter, but it is kicked out of his hands. MATT frantically crawls backward on the floor, trying to get room to stand up, but the Jelly stalks after him.

The camera switches to SHADOW LOTUS, who slips a punch through the guard of the Jelly; he drops, rolls off the tank, and hits the floor with a bone crushing thud. She looks out over the room and sees that MATT is in trouble. She leaps to the floor and runs at the Jelly, who turns to face her. The two exchange blows for a while, and then the girl makes a sweeping kick that knocks the Jelly’s feet out from under him. He falls flat on the ground, and the girl’s heel crushes his head. MATT slowly gets to his feet, and sees SHADOW LOTUS kneeling by LEAPING DRAGON, feeling for a pulse. She stands and turns to MATT, shaking her head.

MATT
Damn. I’m really sorry.

SHADOW LOTUS
He died with honor. We need to move on.
The Clonemaster is still out there.
But first, we must destroy these tanks.

MATT
Oh yeah. Let me.

He opens fire with the bolter, spraying it across the room. The cloning tanks all smash and shatter, the liquid pouring over the room. MATT turns the gun on the computers, which also spark and shatter.

MATT
Wooeee! That’s always so damn much fun! Wait…

He walks over to a wall, where a large metal cabinet door is set into it. He knocks the padlock off with the butt of the bolter and opens it. Inside, there are dozens of large jars filled with assorted chemicals. The camera moves in on several large jars near the bottom of the rack; each is clearly marked “S-C-T.”

MATT
That’s it! Now… let’s take care of this RUPERT clown.

The two run out of the room.

INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- NIGHT

The crew members are seen in their cell, looking anxiously down the corridor. DMA suddenly comes into view, running towards them. He has a ring of keys in his hand. He stops and unlocks the cell door.

DR. WHAT
It’s good to see you’re still alive there, DMA…
but what the hell is going on up there?

DMA
Ninjas, guns, MATT… it’s complicated.
Let’s just get the hell out of here.

The team members push open the door, and then the entire group runs down the hallway, carrying MICHAEL with them.

INT- THE MASTER’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

The camera opens on a scene showing the door leading to the chambers. It is pushed open from the outside, and BOB is seen standing there. He cautiously walks into the room. The camera switches to a view from behind him as he moves forward. BOB moves down a short hallway and into a plush room with chairs and electronic devices. RUPERT is in here, cowering against a wall. BOB smiles nastily at him, and moves forward.

BOB
Your reign is at an end, Clonemaster.

BOB takes a quick step, but suddenly whirls as a Jelly runs out from another room. This one carries a katana, and seems quite skilled with it. BOB parries the blows with his arms, evading the point and edge. The Jelly gets frustrated and swings down at BOB’S head. BOB catches the sword between his palms, immobilizing it. With a quick twist, the blade shatters. BOB karate chops the Jelly on the neck, dropping him instantly. He turns back towards RUPERT… and staggers as a gunshot is heard.

The camera switches to RUPERT. He is holding a huge high tech pistol in his hands, and is pointing it at BOB. The Terminator looks shakily down at the wound in the left side of his chest, bleeding heavily. He groans and collapses to the floor.

RUPERT turns as running footsteps are heard off camera. He points the pistol as SHADOW LOTUS and MATT run into the room. They stop, looking at BOB on the floor, and the huge gun in RUPERT’S hand.

RUPERT
Stop! This pistol will shoot even
through that armor of yours, outlander.
(angry voice)
You destroyed it all! I have lived for generations, and
now all is at an end! When this body grows old or is
damaged, I must stay in it. This is the last of my life!

MATT
Oh boo hoo… welcome to the real world.
The rest of us live that way all the time.

RUPERT
But… I am a Master, not one of you commoners!
At least, I will have the pleasure of seeing you die.

He points the pistol at MATT. He tenses, and SHADOW LOTUS prepares to spring at the Master. But everyone freezes as a sound is heard from behind RUPERT, who turns to look. BOB is standing there. One arm hangs uselessly, and he is white from blood loss, but he stands firmly upright. RUPERT swings the gun around to bear on him, but BOB catches it in one hand. He crushes both gun and hand in his grip. RUPERT screams and falls to his knees.

BOB
Time to die, Clonemaster.

With a mighty shout, BOB swings his good hand in a long arc. His fist crashes into RUPERT’S chest, and a horrible cracking sound is heard. The Master flies into the opposite wall, and the body slides down to the floor. The camera goes to a brief close up shot of RUPERT’S eyes… they are open and staring blankly at nothing; he is dead.

BOB sinks to his knees, as MATT and SHADOW LOTUS run up to him.

BOB
All is done. The Clonemaster is overthrown
and he is dead. Now, I can die with honor.

MATT
Damn, what’s with you guys and all the dying with honor?
We have a doctor on the ship who can fix you up.

BOB
Really? That’d be swell.

He passes out. MATT lowers him to the ground and stands up. He turns to SHADOW LOTUS, who has a distant and sad look on her face.

MATT
Oh. Hey, I really am sorry
about LEAPING DRAGON.

SHADOW LOTUS nods, but still looks unhappy. MATT puts a comforting arm around her, and then hastily withdraws it.

MATT
Oh! Sorry! I forgot
the whole discipline thing.

SHADOW LOTUS looks at him speculatively.

SHADOW LOTUS
Actually… why not.

She hugs MATT so hard that his armor creaks. He stares down at her in shock.

MATT
Wait… huh… what about all
that denial and discipline stuff?

SHADOW LOTUS
Well, the Clonemaster is dead,
so the need for all that discipline
is kind of gone. I’ve been denying
myself for a long time, and I
want to make up for lost time.
You up for it?

MATT
Am I ever! But… damn, there’s
so much to do. We gotta get the
SynCereThol up to the ship and
get TORQUMADA to fix up BOB,
and then we have to get the ship
ready to shift away, have DAVE
get the engines spun up…
(pause)
Wait… DAVE HOWERY…
where’s he been this whole time?!

SHADOW LOTUS
Can’t the others do that?

MATT
Why… yes, they can.

He takes hold of the girl’s hand, and the two practically run from the room.

INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT

The team members from the AH.COM are seen in here, looking around at all the devastation. MATT and SHADOW LOTUS run into the room, still holding hands. They stop in front of DR. WHAT.

MATT
HiDOCthisisSHADOWLOTUSshe’sreallyneat,hey,
theSynCereTholisoverthereinthatroompastthe
steeldoorandweneedtogetTORQtofixupBOB,
ohIdidn’ttellyouaboutBOB,he’sreallyneat,but
he’shurtbad,soheneedsadoctor,oh,andRUPERTisdead.
(pause)
Bye!

He and SHADOW LOTUS run out of the room. The others look at each other in confusion.

DR. WHAT
Any of you get any of that?

IRONYUPPIE
I think he said something about needing to fix up
some guy named BOB with TORQUMADA.
Funny, I didn’t think he swung that way.

LANDSHARK
No, my dear, that wasn’t quite right. He said the SynCereThol
is over there in a room past that steel door, and that someone
named BOB needs a doctor’s services, so we need to notify
TORQUMADA. Also, that RUPERT is dead.

DR. WHAT
As usual, LANDSHARK, you have the right of it.
Well, it sounds as if everything worked out right
in the end. So, let’s go get the SCT and…
(pause)
Oh my God! I think MATT is going to get laid!

HENDRYK
But… that’s not fair! I’m the one who
goes for the hot Asian girls! That’s my shtick!

TWO DAYS LATER

INT- AH.COM MED BAY- DAY

DR. WHAT and TORQUMADA are seen in here, standing over LUAKEL’S bed. The boy looks much better, although he has a bandage around his head.

DR. WHAT
Is he going to make it?

TORQUMADA
Yes. I went in, stopped the leak, and replaced
his cerebral fluid. He should wake up in a day or two.

DR. WHAT
Can’t you keep him under for a week or so?
Oh never mind… I’m just glad everything
worked out in the end.

TORQUMADA
Well, there’s still MATT to deal with.

The two turn and look at another bed. MATT lies on it, with LANDSHARK looking over him, puffing on his meerschaum pipe. MATT looks strangely deflated, as if most of his bodily fluids have been drained out of him. Four huge electrolyte bags are hanging on IV units, run into his arms. Although he is obviously unconscious, MATT has a huge grin on his face.

TORQUMADA
Well, he lost a hell of a lot of fluid, but he should recover.
We’ll just keep on pumping him full of replacements,
and he’ll come around.

DR. WHAT
So, then, it did all work out well in the end.
LUAKEL is saved, MATT hooked up with
a hot Asian girl, and best of all,
we got LANDSHARK back.

The final scene shows LANDSHARK nodding in agreement, smiling as he puffs on his meerschaum pipe.

END ACT II

TAG


INT- STUDIO- DAY

The camera shows PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DR. WHAT, and THANDE all sitting in chairs, writing on sheets of paper. They stop, lean back, and stretch.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
There! A whole episode completed,
and not once do we insult LANDSHARK.
IAN will be happy with us.

DR. WHAT
True. Hey, what the hell
is meerschaum anyway?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh… something they make pipes out of?

THANDE
Damn colonials. No, it’s…

IAN suddenly pops into the scene, out of thin air.

IAN
I changed my mind. Go back to abusing LANDSHARK.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? Why?

IAN
This was a mistake. I mean, look at this episode. He is so
BORRRRIIIINNNGGG! I wanted dry humor, but I guess
you guys aren’t up to that. He came across as stuffy, not
humorous. And the rest of the crew… sheesh! MATT
wasn’t nearly snarky enough… and he got laid! That was
never supposed to happen! And GREY WOLF never had
a drink the whole episode. And FLOCC in a damn turban!
And you practically emasculated IRONYUPPIE.

DR. WHAT
Uh, she’s a girl, she can’t be…

IAN
(smacks DR. WHAT on the head)
I know that! I meant, she was all lovey dovey over LANDSHARK,
and she couldn’t even take out a couple of kung fu guys… she should
have mopped the floor with them! And then, there was the fact that
everyone was so LANDSHARK happy, just couldn’t get enough
of the guy. So, go back to abusing him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay… but… can we have DAVE HOWERY back?
If you want LANDSHARK abused, he’s really the best at it.

IAN
Mmm…. Okay.

IAN snaps his fingers and disappears. Simultaneously, DAVE HOWERY appears. He runs his hands over his body, and finally his crotch. He gets a very relieved look on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh thank God… uh, IAN. It’s still there.

THANDE
Why wouldn’t it be? What did IAN do to you?

DAVE HOWERY
I’d rather not talk about it. So… what’s up?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
IAN brought you back. He wants us to go back
to abusing LANDSHARK in the episodes again.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, that’s good news! I’ll get right on that…
(pause)
Say, I can’t seem to move my feet.

He struggles to move, but his feet seem to be solidly glued to the floor. He looks over at the other Writer Chimps, and they seem to have the same problem. DAVE HOWERY suddenly groans, grabs his stomach, and bends over. He massively breaks wind.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh no! Galloping Flatulence!

DR. WHAT
For Christ’s sake, DAVE… you invented it, how do you cure it?

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t (fart) know, the only (fart)
thing I do (fart) know is that it is (fart)
highly contagious (fart) !

The other Writer Chimps panic and try to move, but can’t. Suddenly, all three groan, grab their stomachs, and bend over. As the screen fades to black with the sounds of incredible flatulence in the background, IAN is heard chuckling over the black.

IAN
Hee hee! Galloping flatulence! That is just so funny…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS


16May/111

Hair Today – Part 2

 

 

TEASER

 

 


EXT. –HUB – DAY

 

A vortex opens up and the Hairplane appears.

It’s obvious that it has suffered major damage and there is significantly less hair along its surface than before. It slowly flies towards the docking bays of the Hub.

INT. -HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY

JUSTIN PICKARD is seen brooding on his throne. RAN EXILIS walks into the room and bows.

RAN EXILIS
Your Hairiness! We shall be docking within five minutes.
We have already made enquiries regarding repairs to the ship.
With luck, we shall be fully operational within 8 hours.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(nodding head)
So our Great Mission will be able to be continued.
(beat)
We will need a replacement crew member.

RAN EXILIS
I shall see to that myself!

JUSTIN PICKARD
Very well—but I wish to interview
them myself, Hirsute Prime.

RAN EXILIS
(bowing head)
As you wish, my Piliferous Liege!

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

We see RAN EXILIS sitting at a table in a relatively quiet area of the Pub. Standing with their backs to us are several bald men in a line.

MONTAGE OF INTERVIEWS

RAN EXILIS
Name?

FIGURE
Fernidad of Prussia.

RAN EXILIS
Are you willing to give your ultimate
loyalty to his Hairiness Justin Pickard?

KING FERNIDAD
Yes—but I have certain conditions.

RAN EXILIS
Oh?

KING FERNIDAD
Do not under any circumstances discuss in my presence
the Weimar Republic, Bonaparte, or anything related to
Germany, Prussia or the such. This is a request from the Sovereign Himself, namely myself.

RAN EXILIS
(raising an eyebrow)
You know—I would be more impressed
if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s suppose
to be KING FERDINAND and not
KING FERNIDAD. Next!

WIPE-CUT TO:

RAN EXILIS
(looking over a resume)
Hmmm...interesting...uh-huh...okay—looks good.
(beat)
So—any questions, Mr…Legend?

HELLOLEGEND
Yes—You ever wonder what if Britney Spears
never became a Mousketeer?
Oh! I know! Let me put together a poll and –

RAN EXILIS
NEXT!

WIPE-CUT TO:

RAN EXILIS
So—you’re a two headed person, ROEDECKER/YULAW?

ROEDECKER/YULAW
Yes.

RAN EXILIS
Well—we don’t discriminate
here as long as you are loyal.

ROEDECKER/YULAW
(together)
Good.

RAN EXILIS
So –tell me a bit about your beliefs.
(pause)
You do you admire more than anyone else in the entire multi-verse?

ROEDECKER/YULAW
(dreamy voice)
Mmmmm... Ann Coulter.

RAN EXILIS
(startled)
I beg your pardon?

ROEDECKER/YULAW
(still with the dreamy voice)
God’s gift to humanity.
Oh Ann...your Adam’s apple is
sooooo sexy...Mmmmmmmmm...

RAN EXILIS stares in shock for a second, then reaches down and picks up a fork and jabs it repeatedly into his eye.

RAN EXILIS
NEXT!

WIPE-CUT TO:

RAN EXILIS
So—tell me a little bit about yourself, Mr. Reynolds.
(blinks)
John Reynolds? Say—is that your real name or are you
identifying with that Union general who got killed the
first day at the battle of Gettysburg?
(sotto voce to himself)
I'm guessing the former, as the latter assumes this guy
actually read a book sometime in his life...

JOHN REYNOLDS
Noes! Yuo ares the oens who hasnt red a boook
in hes life, becise you rea the one that is tsupid!!
LEARN TO THINK YOU INCONTINENT FUCK HEAD!!

RAN EXILIS
NEXT!

WIPE-CUT TO:

RAN EXILIS sitting at the table, looking simultaneously tired, annoyed and mildly depressed.

RAN EXILIS
(with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever)
And your name is...?

FIGURE
Idontknowwhereiam

RAN EXILIS
(blinking eyes in confusion)
Huh?

IDONTKNOWWHEREIAM
(monotone voice)
I am a worshipper of Meierism

RAN EXILIS
(even more confused)
You worship a computer game maker?

IDONTKNOWWHEREIAM
He is God. There is proof. He is god. Dont doubt the Almighty one.
Doubting him is High Treason and Hersery! Punishment is immediat
death. No trial. No Jury. :mad: :mad: :mad: . Play his games. Worship
him. most off Sacrafice Small animals in his name. Give your soul to him.
He is god. :D:D:D . Do not doubt him. You will be assimilated!

RAN EXILIS
(sighing)
Why do I even bother anymore?...

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

 

 

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

 


AH.COM: The Series

“HAIR TODAY GOTTERDAMMERUNG TOMORROW: PART 2”

 


Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & THANDE

 


ACT I



INT. – DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see the bald goons RAN EXILIS, CARL, GENERAL TIU, HOBELHOUSE, EUIO, BLACKMAGE, and REDEM walking down a Hub corridor. RAN EXILIS is looking very depressed while the others are carrying numerous boxes and crates.

BLACKMAGE
Maybe we’ll have better luck trying another Pub?

RAN EXILIS
I have a feeling that probably won’t be very successful either.
(sighing)
Let’s face it—the quality of your average minion and
goon has been dropping precipitously over the last few years.

REDEM
But fortunately we are top quality minions!
(no pause at all)
Ooops!

He trips and falls to the ground; the others trip over him and collapse on top of him in a heap. Boxes and crates fall to the ground with a deafening crash. For some reason, a cymbal rolls out of the heap and rolls down the corridor for a few seconds before falling on its side with a loud clang.

RAN EXILIS sighs.

RAN EXILIS
Mother warned me there will be days like this...

RAN EXILIS suddenly blinks and takes a step back. Appearing out of the shadows are several figures, all heavily clad in leather jackets and skimasks.

All except one—who for some reason is wearing a WW1 Reichswehr uniform instead.

The lead figure steps forward.

FIGURE 1
(very bad American thug accent)
Ok—youse guys will hand over all youse stuff
or we’ll break your – I mean youse – legs.

Several other figures step forward.

FIGURE 2
(also with a very bad American thug accent—
but this one with British accent undertone)

You don’t wanna make us angry. Youse
wouldn’t like it to see us angry.

FIGURE 3 (wearing the German uniform) steps forward.

FIGURE 3
(waving, for some reason, a cricket bat)
Ja! Und ve vill bitch-slap you eine thirty zeconds if you don’t comply, ja!

RAN EXILIS
(slowly backing away)
Look—we don’t want any trouble but we don’t have
anything valuable. These crates just have parts for our ship...

FIGURE 3
Nein! Ve will decide vhat’s valuable...

The figures all step forward, waving assorted weapons and trying (with varying degrees of success) to look tough and dangerous.

Another figure—this one tall, muscular, shirtless and bald—suddenly appears behind the thugs. He’s still in the shadows, so we can’t get a good look at him.

TALL BALD FIGURE
Leave them alone or you will have to answer to me!

FIGURE 1
Ha! One against eight! What
can one man do against all of us?

TALL BALD FIGURE
This!

The TALL BALD FIGURE tackles the gang of thugs, kicking and punching every one of them. He moves fantastically fast and the thugs are too slow to react. In a matter of a few seconds, the TALL BALD FIGURE is standing alone (still in shadows), surrounded by numerous thugs groaning on the ground.

TALL BALD FIGURE
Quickly! Follow me! They may have some friends!

The TALL BALD FIGURE and the BALD GOONS pick up all their crates and rush off.

INT. HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY

JUSTIN PICKARD is sitting on his throne, listening to RAN EXILIS

RAN EXILIS
...and that’s what happened, Your Hairiness!

JUSTIN PICKARD
Interesting.
(beat)
And this individual –you say that he is open
to the possibility of joining our crew?

RAN EXILIS
Indeed! He literally jumped at the chance when I
explained to him the conditions for employment!
He said that for a chance to get his hair back, he’ll
gladly sign up for TWO years service—as long as
he gets a chance to beat up more people.

JUSTIN PICKARD
He will certainly have his wish in the near future.
Step forward, candidate!

REVERSE SHOT – Camera facing JUSTIN PICKARD with the various minions’ backs to us.

The TALL BALD FIGURE steps forward from the shadows and comes to attention in front of JUSTIN PICKARD, his back to us.

JUSTIN PICKARD
What name do you go with?

TALL BALD FIGURE
I am known by many names but you may know me as—
(beat)

Camera swings around and now shows a much clearer full face shot of the TALL BALD FIGURE.

TALL BALD FIGURE
Mr Nelson.

Fade to black, dramatic music.

INT. – HUB – DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR – NIGHT

As before. As we watch, the masked THUGs begin to get up from their prone positions, rubbing their arms and legs and groaning. One of them is still wearing a WW1 Reichswehr uniform instead, although he has a ski mask as well.

As we watch, one of the leather-jacketed figures removes his ski mask to reveal that he is MATT.

MATT
(rubbing a bruise)
Hey! Kit! You told us this friend
of yours was just going to play-act!

A second figure pulls off his mask to reveal he’s KIT.

KIT
(smirking)
I’m sorry, but my…friend cannot help
but excel in everything he does.
And it had to look realistic.

A third jacketed figure removes his mask to reveal he’s DMA.

DMA
Strewth, Kit, if you knew he was going
to beat us up this much, why did you
volunteer to come along?

KIT
(looking down at himself)
Any excuse to wear this much leather.

DMA nods in understanding. The two remaining JACKETED THUGS remove their masks – they are OBERDADA and CARLTON BACH.

OBERDADA
Zere is vun sing I do not understand.
(nods at UNIFORMED THUG)
Vhy is zer Englaender dressed as such?

The UNIFORMED THUG pulls off his mask to reveal he’s LANDSHARK.

DMA
Yeah, Sharky.
Jeez – the orders said ‘AH.commers and
Germans dress as thugs’ not ‘AH.commers
dress as Germans’!

LANDSHARK
(faraway look)
Am being postmodern, ja?

MATT
You make a very convincing Kraut, Sharkie.

LANDSHARK
(reddens)
I do believe I haff been insulted by
ein verdammt-Kolonialen!

LANDSHARK takes a threatening step towards MATT but DMA hastily imposes himself in between.

DMA
Look, kobberen, we’re all on
the same side here, okay, mein freunden?
(everyone nods reluctantly)
Kommen, ve’ll return to the ship and
see vhat happens.

The unmasked THUGS walk off down the corridor. KIT pauses, exchanging a funny look with MATT.

KIT
Are you noticing any strange behaviour from them?

MATT
More so than normal?
(laughs)
Nein.

He walks after the others. KIT shakes his head and follows.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM – DAY

JUSTIN PICKARD on his throne as before, watching with interest as the bald FELLATIO NELSON goes to work, ordering about the other BALD GOONS.

FELLATIO NELSON
(glancing at plans)
Right, we need the Engineer from Oz on this one…
(pointing to BLACKMAGE)
You! E.O.!

EUIO
Yes?

FELLATIO NELSON
No, not you, Euio, E.O.,
I wanted you, E.O.!
(points at BLACKMAGE)

BLACKMAGE
(confused, points at EUIO)
Him, E.O.?

FELLATIO NELSON
No, you, E.O.!

EUIO
(even more confused)
Yes?

FELLATIO NELSON sighs and goes down to explain. JUSTIN PICKARD watches as FELLATIO NELSON guides them through the repairs to several of the damaged panels and consoles. As we watch, RAN EXILIS comes up in the background and stands beside JUSTIN PICKARD’s throne, a bit of a sour expression on his face.

FELLATIO NELSON
…and look, if you reroute this thingummybob
up the double gasket and round the neutronic inverter,
you increase the power so we can complete the repairs
in only three hours.

BLACKMAGE
Huh?
(looks into console)
Wow, you’re right!

FELLATIO NELSON shuts the open panel with finality and smirks, while the other BALD GOONS applaud.

JUSTIN PICKARD
A most useful addition to our crew.
I commend your choice, Hirsuite Prime.

RAN EXILIS
(glaring at FELLATIO NELSON)
I…am glad you think so, your Lanatity.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiling)
I suspect you think he is trying to usurp
your position as Hirsuite Prime?

RAN EXILIS
(looking down, ashamed)
My apologies, your Downiness.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(laughs)
Do not fear. I do not forget your long loyalty to me.

RAN EXILIS
(relieved)
Thank you, your Flocculency-

JUSTIN PICKARD, enraged beyond words suddenly strikes out with his left hand. STRANDS OF HAIR curl from the back of his hand, growing with unnatural speed, and wrap themselves around RAN EXILIS’ neck. The startled Dutchman claws at the strands of hair as they begin to choke him.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly)
Not that, Exilis.
Any hair-related title but that.

RAN EXILIS
(purple in face)
As…you…please, your…Pilosity…

JUSTIN PICKARD flicks his wrist and the strands of hair release RAN EXILIS, who feels his bruised throat and takes in gasps of air. The hair wriggles away like snakes and into the structure of the ship itself, until it is indistinguishable from the rest of the carpet of brown hair on all the walls and floor of the Hairplane.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(quietly)
Do not fail me again.

JUSTIN PICKARD turns to FELLATIO NELSON, who is still helping the other BALD GOONS make repairs.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Mr. Nelson!

FELLATIO NELSON
(turning around)
Sir!

JUSTIN PICKARD
I require assistance.

JUSTIN PICKARD sticks out his right hand, closes his eyes as though in meditation, and makes significant Jedi-like gestures. More coils of brown hair stretch out from the walls all around him and the throne, and form the shape of one of the contour multiverse-maps.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(in slightly strained tones)
We require a new target for our weapon.
A timeline with a small population,
one recovering from a great disaster, perhaps.

FELLATIO NELSON
(looking at map)
I believe I know just the place.
(points at node on map)
Here. An Earth where a Lovecraftian cult
unleashed Hollywood monsters on the world.
Only a few million people are left.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(steepling his fingers)
Exxxcellent.

The hair-map collapses. JUSTIN PICKARD turns to RAN EXILIS.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Mr Exilis…plot us a course to that planet.

RAN EXILIS looks mortally pissed off that he’s not being referred to as Hirsuite Prime, and sends another glare at FELLATIO NELSON’s way, who ignores it.

RAN EXILIS
As you wish…your Villousness.

RAN EXILIS stumps away. If there were any cans around, he’d kick them. FELLATIO NELSON smiles, and JUSTIN PICKARD returns it.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Competence can get you to the top
very quickly in my organization, Mr Nelson.

FELLATIO NELSON
I always take advantage of anything
that gets me on top, your Cugliness.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Cugliness? What does this mean?
I have not heard this word before…?

FELLATIO NELSON
Allow me to explain. With diagrams.

As FELLATIO NELSON smirks, the camera pans behind his back, to where he is holding a small remote-control-like device. He presses a button and a light flashes red, once.

EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY

The Caribbean on the infected world again. THANDE is fiddling with a small portable spectrometer, looking at the readings and seeming frustrated. As we watch, he slams it down.

THANDE
Ee, chuff me.
So close, and yet…
(shakes head)
Summat missin’. But wha’?
I can’t think. Mi brain’s gooin’ numb.

TORQUMADA walks up, walking with an unsteady gait and leaning on BOBO. He’s holding a test tube with some green fluid in it.

TORQUMADA
Boy, I say, boy, what about this one, y’all?

TORQUMADA puts the tube in THANDE’s spectrometer. The screen comes up with some results.

THANDE
Closest yet! But no’ close enough.
Still summat missin’.

TORQUMADA
Boy, what you talkin’ about, boy?
(clutches chest)
Ugh…the virus…
We’re turning into mindless stereotypes…

THANDE
Speak for thiself, tha knows.

TORQUMADA slips off BOBO and collapses onto the floor. Moments later, THANDE also topples as the virus takes over.

BOBO watches, looking as worried as a flying brain can.

BOBO
No.
Not. Let. Happen.
(looks at test tube)
Something. Missing.
Bobo. Find. It.
Save. Torqumada.

As we watch, BOBO turns, takes to the air and flies off, desperately scanning the ground. The bodies of THANDE and TORQUMADA remain still, occasionally jerking as though in a deep dream, puffs of green virus gas surrounding them.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is pacing back and forth. As we watch, the doors open and PSYCHOMELTDOWN, blackened, burned and with his afro hair now mixed up with soot and other horrible substances, runs in pell-mell, screaming. He pauses, glances around with wild, animal eyes, and then darts off through another door.

The first door then opens again and DAVE HOWERY comes out, waving a huge socket wrench and panting.

DAVE HOWERY
Dammit. Which way did my lavatory brush go?

Everyone points at the second door.

DAVE HOWERY
Thank you.
(beat)
Oh, and by the way, the repairs are
completed and we’ve refuelled.

DOCTOR WHAT
(distractedly)
Good work, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY nods and runs off after PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

DOCTOR WHAT paces for a few more moments, then sits down, brooding.

KIT
(from comm station)
Doc, he might not be able to report in for hours.
Who knows when he’ll have a chance-

As he speaks, the console beeps.

KIT
Ah…speak of the devil…
(looks at readings)
That’s the AOK signal.
Pickard has fallen for his plan.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Good.

KIT
(console beeps again)
Steffen for you…

DOCTOR WHAT
Put it up.

STEFFEN’s image appears again.

STEFFEN
Ve haff completed repairs.
(beat)
Zer Bad Guys haff fallen fur it, ja?

DOCTOR WHAT
Seems so. You know the place.

STEFFEN
(nodding grimly)
Ja. Und zis time he vill not escape.
(eyes burning)
No…matter…vhat.

The screen goes black. DOCTOR WHAT shivers, then pulls himself together.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shift us to the Hollywood timeline!

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR HUB

We see the AH.com and German ships pulling away from the Hub, then go into vortexes almost simultaneously.

EXT. – SPACE – EARTH ORBIT

The two ships erupt from their respective vortexes and settle into Earth orbit.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT pacing near the command chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Put the Germans back on screen.

The viewscreen changes to show STEFFEN.

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew and I have been here before, Captain—I’m
going to go down and see if we can organize another
defense like we did in the last timeline. Coordinate
with my crew on any other battle plans you may have.

STEFFEN
Ja—my crew haff been analyzing der last battle ve had
und ve dink ve might be able to commen up vith some useful ideas.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good, good—by the way, how’s my
crewmember MICHAEL doing?

MICHAEL pokes his head into view.

MICHAEL
(grinning)
Ja! Zis guys are ze best—ich am learning zu much!

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at MICHAEL in utter confusion for a moment; then shrugging his shoulders)
(sotto voce)
Damn Aussie humour.
(normal voice)
Ok—as long as you’re having fun. Screen off.

DOCTOR WHAT walks out the bridge doors.

EXT. - RUINS OF LOS ANGELES – DAY

The shuttle ‘Rita Faltoyano’ is seen flying over the ruined city.

Although much of the city still lies in rubble, we notice that some of the streets have been cleared of debris. People, various farm animals—and even the occasional car or truck—can be seen using the roads.

On the outskirts of the city can be seen dozens of new homes with small garden plots and the occasional greenhouse on their property. Dozens of other houses can be seen in varying degrees of completion.

The shuttle sets down on a large empty field near the town.

A figure walks from away the collection of homes and towards the shuttle. A few minutes later he arrives at the shuttle to find DOCTOR WHAT waiting outside the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Professor Zoomar. Long time no see.

ZOOMAR
(smiling)
Indeed. Have to admit it was a pleasant surprise to hear from you again.

They shake hands and start walking back towards the houses.

ZOOMAR
So—why are you here? Your message was somewhat vague...

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I may have some bad news...

INT.- HOME – KITCHEN – DAY

ZOOMAR is making a cup of tea and serving it on a table made up of a strange black plastic like substance—which we suddenly notice is, in fact, giant ant chitin.

ZOOMAR
(off DOCTOR WHAT’s expression)
Can’t let all that stuff go to waste after all—there
are millions of dead giant ants out there. Useful
substance, chitin. And the other monster carcasses
were pretty useful too.
(beat)
(smiling face)
You should have seen the Bar-B-Que we had
when that giant pterodactyl finally died.
(sips tea)
So—our world might be in danger again.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Not if I can help it!
(beat)
I was wondering what kind of defense you
will be able to put together?

ZOOMAR laughs.

ZOOMAR
Defense?
(beat; more serious tone)
Unfortunately—none at all. While all the Hollywood Monsters have died out—
thanks to your crew—this world will take decades to recover from all the
damage that has occurred over the last fifty years. Even after all this time,
we’re in contact with only about fifty or sixty settlements across North America
and a handful of others in Europe and South America. The rebuilding process
will be very slow.
(beat)
However—we HAVE accomplished a lot, as you can tell by looking around us.
It’s just nowhere enough to be of any help to you. The best I can do is contact
those settlements and tell them to prepare those old bunkers of theirs again,
just to be on the safe side.

DOCTOR WHAT
That will only save a small percentage of this
planet’s population—the rest will be in danger.

ZOOMAR
I know—but that’s the best we can do.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head reluctantly)
I know.
(gets up)
My crew will do everything we can to stop that ship. Count on it.

ZOOMAR
Thank you. I best go and warn people.

DOCTOR WHAT
You guys alright for supplies? My ship doesn’t
have much but maybe we can beam down some
extra food and weapons and generators and stuff?

ZOOMAR
Much appreciated. Good luck.

DOCTOR WHAT is about to leave when he stops and turns back around. ZOOMAR raises an eyebrow in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
One last thing. I have to know. You said that
you ate that giant pterodactyl. How DOES
Giant Pterodactyl taste like?

ZOOMAR
(ponders for a moment)
Chicken of course.

DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes and walks away.

EXT.- EARTH ORBIT – DAY

The shuttle ‘Rita Faltoyano’ flies back towards the AH.Com ship.

INT. –SHUTTLE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT hits the comm. button.

DOCTOR WHAT
Doc returning to ship.
(beat)
Those guys down there are in no shape to defend themselves.
Looks like we’re really on our own this time.

LEO
Understood Doc.
The Germans have been discussing some interesting
battle tactic strategies with us.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve been thinking of a few ideas myself, LEO.
Hopefully we will be able to stop Justin once and for all here.

LEO
I hope so too.
(beat)
By the way, Doc, I’ve been meaning to tell you about this glitch
I keep detecting in my main navicomp archive system...

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Will that have any effect on any of our battle scenarios
or your primary defensive and offensive systems?

LEO
(almost insulted tone of voice)
Well—no, of course not—don’t be silly—
the navicomp system has absolutely nothing whatsoever
to do with that kind of stuff but...

DOCTOR WHAT
Then it will just have to wait, LEO!
(sighing)
Look—I know the ship is messed up and you’re overdue
for a upgrade and stuff and I know that I keep putting off
doing all those necessary repairs and upkeep.
I promise you that once all this over I’ll take the ship to the Hub
and splurge on a major overhaul of the entire ship and your systems,
but this stuff will just have to wait for now.

LEO
(resigned voice)
Very well.
(sotto voce)
Damn fleshbag.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? What did you say?

LEO
Nothing! Shuttle docking in 2 minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Oh—LEO—check the inventories and see if we
have any extra stuff we can afford to spare,
and arrange to have it beamed to the planet below...

LEO
Will do.

EXT.- SHUTTLE – SPACE

The shuttle flies towards the AH.Com ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, ALAYTA, LANDSHARK and several other AH.commers are sitting around the table. They are in the middle of a heated discussion.

DOCTOR WHAT
Another Daring Commando Raid™?
With HIM? Is that wise?

GBW
Well—he is under medication now.
It should keep the psychotic tendencies under control.
(beat)
Hopefully.

DOCTOR WHAT
But why him of all people?

GBW
He’s had personal history with this guy, Doc.
He knows how he thinks.
Besides which - Justin will probably act all irrational when he sees him too.
We can use that to our advantage—
especially if he screws up and starts getting sloppy.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll prefer that we have a few of our people with him—
and better bring the Germans in on this.

ALAYTA
I haff already contacted mein ship—
Kapitan STEFFEN and First Mate SUSANO
vill be joining ze assault team themselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
Very well—but this is not a suicide mission, ok?!
You guys go in, cause as much damage and get as
much information as you can and then you get out
again, preferably in one piece.

GBW
(sotto voce)
With G.BONE at the controls that might be tough to do.

G.BONE
(looking up from a book he’s reading titled ‘Danny and the Dinosaur’)
Hey! I resent that! I’ll have you know that I’m really smart and—
(glances back at book)
Ooooh—they’re playing hide and go seek!
(goes back to reading)

DOCTOR WHAT sighs.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP - TRANSPORTER ROOM – DAY

We see STEFFEN and SUSANO standing together, waiting for others to show up. They seem to be in a spirited debate. G.BONE is sitting on the floor, playing with some marbles.

SUSANO
—CAN der President do zat? I dink not! Ze problem vith
his position iz that he iz much like der old British Queen –
officially, he signs law, appoints ministers und so forth but
none uff it on his own authority. It’s a purely, utterly
ceremonial position. Ideally, the Bundestag vould haff to
vote in a new Chancellor ASAP. Now, iff neither Bundestag
nor Gemeinsamer Ausschuss can convene - well, then you
can assume that zer iz no functioning central German government,
anyways. In any case- eine must look at vhat zer Basic Law
says about provisions for ze State uff Defense...

STEFFEN
(interupting)
Bah—Article 69 CLEARLY states zat ze remaining ministers
vould stay in office for a short period und administer through
statutory instruments, until a new Chancellor iz elected through –

SUSANO
(interrupting)
-ah—but 69.3 iz zer important part! So der answer iz generally
"Yes, but". It seems it requires zer presence uff either der Chancellor
or ze President und iz only temporary until
Bundestag can elect a new Chancellor und-

STEFFEN
(interrupting)
-69.3?! Zat only applies uff ve have a rump parliament!

SUSANO
Nein! You are forgetting about Article 115i which is to
be read in conjunction vith 115f, which CLEARLY states zat—

The two of them are interrupted by the door being opened.

STEFFEN
(annoyed)
Bah—ve vill continue zis most
interesting conversation another time!

SUSANO
(happily)
Ja!

We see WEAPON M walk in, holding a BFG. A few seconds later, HENDRYK and LUAKEL walk in, pushing a stretcher which has a figure lying on it. They slowly swing the stretcher into an upright position.

We see the figure is FLOCCULENCIO. He is wrapped up in white pajama style asylum pants and matching straight jacket with the sleeves tied behind his back. He’s also wearing a leather muzzle mask tied with heavy elastic straps to his face.

All of his limbs are securely fastened with heavy chains to metal restraints on the stretcher.

HENDRYK
Good thing IRONYUPPIE had all this stuff handy in her quarters...

LUAKEL
That explains the fresh pine scent

WEAPON M
Ok guys—you know what you have to do.

HENDRYK and LUAKEL take a few steps back and pull out what look like long electric cattle prods. They point it at FLOCCULENCIO, both of them sweating nervously.

WEAPON M takes a few steps forward and holds up a long key in front of FLOCCULENCIO’s face.

WEAPON M
If we let you out, are you gonna play nice, Flocc?

FLOCCULENCIO nods.

WEAPON M starts undoing all the restraints, then quickly takes a step back—his BFG at the ready.

FLOCCULENCIO takes one or two hesitant steps forward and then shrugs off his straitjacket, making it fall to the floor.

HENDRYK and LUAKEL are still nervously pointing the Cattle prods at him.

FLOCCULENCIO
(slightly drugged voice)
I be nice.

WEAPON M
One way to know for sure.
(steps back; points BFG at Flocc)
(takes a deep breath)
Justin Pickard!

HENDRYK and LUAKEL practically jump out of their skins but all that comes out of Flocc’s is a very quiet growl. He makes no other moves.

WEAPON M
(nodding head)
Drug will wear off soon, guys.
(turns to the Germans)
He’s all yours.

WEAPON M, LUAKEL and HENDRYK all quickly step out of the transporter room. A second later we hear what sounds like the doors being locked.

There is a short pause.

We then hear the sounds of many heavy objects being dragged on the floor and placed against the doors.

We hear frantic concerned whispers

LUAKEL
Will that be enough to hold him back?

HENDRYK
Don’t know.

WEAPON M
Better pile on more stuff just to be sure.

We again hear the sounds of many heavy objects being dragged on the floor and placed against the doors.

Wipe to:

EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY

Back on the infected world again. TORQUMADA and THANDE are still lying there, unconscious, green virus gas around them as the Stereotypica finally overcomes their vaccines.

THANDE
(blurred murmur)
Ooh chuff mi Ah feel like Ahm gonna cock mi clogs…

TORQUMADA
(blurred murmur)
Boy, I say boy, it’s at times like this
I wish I’d paid off mah health insurance…

On the lab bench beside them is THANDE’s spectrometer, and sitting in the slot at the top, jouncing around, is the bubbling green fluid in the test tube.

Overhead, we see BOBO frantically flying about.

BOBO
Not. Find.
But. Must. Find.
Save. Torqumada.

MOSQUITO
(VO)
Say, what are you up to?

BOBO turns in midair to see the MOSQUITO hovering above the lab bench. One of his forelegs is bent around the stem of a huge sunflower. As we watch, he sticks his piercing moutparts into the sunflower and sucks. His compound eyes roll back in ecstacy and he sighs.

BOBO
(frustratedly)
Torqumada. Hurt.
Must. Help. Torqumada.

MOSQUITO
(sighs)
Look, I want to help them too,
ol’-flyin’-brain-buddy,
but let’s face it, what do we know
about chemistry and biology?
(takes another suck of sunflower pollen)
If they couldn’t do it, what makes you think we can?

BOBO
(stubbornly)
One. Ingredient. Missing.
Must. Find It.
To. Save. Torqumada.

MOSQUITO
(takes a third, particularly vigorous suck)
Yeah, but what are the chances of…

Tight on – slow motion – the sunflower in the MOSQUITO’s leg. Slowly, rocking back and forth with a slowed-down sound like that of an avalanche, one yellow petal comes loose.

Then it breaks free. The camera follows it, the background blurring, as it turns over and over in midair, slowly fluttering towards the ground.

And then it falls in the mouth of the test tube.

Pan up – slo-mo shot of the MOSQUITO and BOBO staring in horror as the sunflower petal sinks into the bubbling green liquid.

BOBO
(angrily)
Fool. Now. Never. Save. Torqumada!

BOBO launches himself at the MOSQUITO and the two collide in midair. The MOSQUITO topples to the ground as BOBO wraps his tentacles around the MOSQUITO’s wings. They roll over and over, hitting each other with legs and tentacles.

MOSQUITO
(angrily)
Hey, we’d never have done it anyw-
(he catches sight of something out of the corner of 400,000 of his eyes)
What the-?!

BOBO looks up and follows the MOSQUITO’s gaze.

The test tube is no longer green and bubbling. Instead, it is GLOWING BLINDING WHITE!

BOBO
(confused)
Bobo. Not. Understand…

The MOSQUITO takes the opportunity to free himself.

There’s a flash of brilliant white light. The MOSQUITO slaps his legs over his compound eyes and BOBO does the same with his tentacles.

Then, as the light fades…

The test tube is now filled with perfectly colourless, oily fluid.

The spectrometer lets out a triumphant ‘DING!’ sound. The display reads:

FINAL REAGENT: LINOLEIC ACID
(ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN SUNFLOWER OIL)

CURE COMPLETE

MOSQUITO
(impressed)
Blood and nectar! We did it!

BOBO
Look.

The liquid POURS ITSELF out of the tube. And as they watch in wonder, it grows up and forms itself into the shape of a translucent, shimmering, hollow human figure, glowing slightly from the inside

MOSQUITO
(trembling)
Who are you?

GLOWING FIGURE
(deep voice)
I am…THE CURE.
(winks)
Though some call me Thermo.

BOBO and MOSQUITO take a step backward as THERMOPYLAE steps forward and bends over the prone TORQUMADA and THANDE.

BOBO
Not. Hurt. Torqumada!

MOSQUITO
Shh, I think he’s trying to help.

THERMOPYLAE
(grinning)
Trying? Hah!

He stares down at TORQUMADA and THANDE. After a few moments, we realise that he is not, in fact, staring at them, but at the green gas floating around them.

THERMOPYLAE
Stereotypes, eh?
(soft, threatening voice)
But stereotypes of what?

THERMOPYLAE puts a hand on each of TORQUMADA and THANDE’s foreheads and, as we watch, the fluidic surface of his being flows across them.

THERMOPYLAE
Stereotypes of Yorkshire and the American South, hmm?
But wait…

THERMOPYLAE withdraws one hand and snaps his fingers.

THERMOPYLAE
No Vikings!
No Kingdom of York!
No Yorkshire!

The green gas surrounding THANDE lets out a thin, high shriek, as though it is alive, and combusts, burning away to nothing.

Then THERMO withdraws his other hand and snaps those fingers.

THERMOPYLAE
Spanish colonise South Carolina!
No English colonisation of North America!
No American South!

Again, the virus burns away with a scream.

THERMOPYLAE takes a step back, smirking to himself and blowing on his fingers as though they’re gun barrels, while the MOSQUITO and BOBO look on in wonder.

THANDE gets up, rubbing his forehead, followed a moment later by TORQUMADA.

THANDE
What the hell was that?

TORQUMADA
Ugh…my head feels like there’s
been a supporter of gun control
and universal healthcare living inside it…

Both of them stare up at THERMOPYLAE.

THANDE
You’re…the cure?

THERMO
(makes to leave)
That’s right.
And I have work to do.

TORQUMADA
Wait!
Can you cure those affected by the virus
on the other worlds?

THERMO
(shaking his head)
Sorry—this is a well-designed virus.
It’s changed slightly between each use.
You’ll need a different cure per planet.

THANDE
But then we’ll have to start all over again!
And we won’t be resistant ourselves
to each new exposure!

THERMO
Well—if you get your hands on the original
design notes for the virus and the core RNA genome,
you might be able to develop a universal cure.
(grins)
And now, time to fix this world!

THANDE and TORQUMADA take a step back as THERMO leaps into the air. He grows and grows as he does so, his form spreading out and dissipating, until tiny particles of the Cure are flung outward.

EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE INFECTED EARTH

We see the wave of pearly light spreading out across the world, eradicating all the traces of green virus gas.

EXT. – DESERT ISLAND – DAY

THANDE and TORQUMADA are still staring upward, mouths agape.

TORQUMADA
Wow.
(turns to THANDE)
Hey, I thought we hadn’t quite got the Cure yet?

THANDE
(confused)
Maybe it just took some time to take effect.
(shrugs)

In the background, we can see the MOSQUITO and BOBO sniggering to themselves.

THE CURE begins to fall like rain.

TORQUMADA
Well, that’s this planet saved.
(sighs)
But now it all comes down to finding
the people who did this, and forcing them
to give up the source code.

THANDE
Yeah—well, maybe the others will manage it.

TORQUMADA
(doubtfully)
Maybe.

A long pause, interrupted by:

ROBERTP6165
(VO)
Hey!! Who tied me up?
(confused)
Why am I wearing a Confederate uniform?
(even more confused)
And why have I got a third ear growing in
the middle of my forehead?
(depressed)
Now I’ll have to suffer those lame ‘Final Front-ear’
jokes for the rest of my life!

THANDE and TORQUMADA look at each other and laugh.

Cut to:

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

The Hairplane emerges from a vortex and zooms out into space towards the distant Hollywood Earth.

Some signs of the earlier damage are still there, especially the bald patches where the hair has been burned away, but some damage has been patched over and the ship looks ready to fight.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM

JUSTIN PICKARD remains seated on his throne, staring avariciously at a screen showing the Earth as the Hairplane approaches it. The screen’s fitting is lost in the vast carpet of hair that surrounds it on all sides, like something alive.

The bald FELLATIO NELSON is standing on the front of PICKARD’s dais, giving orders, while RAN EXILIS sulks at the back.

FELLATIO NELSON
Hey, you! E.O.!

BLACKMAGE/EUIO
Who?

FELLATIO NELSON
(sighs)
Yeah, both of you–have you
installed those power upgrades
to the shield systems like I asked you?

BLACKMAGE/EUIO
Yes, sir.

FELLATIO NELSON
Good.
(to PICKARD)
We shall not suffer damage this time, Your Cugliness.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiles slightly)
Indeed.
(darkens)
Our holy mission shall not be interrupted a second time!

One of the BALD GOONS, CARL, is working a sensor console. He looks up as it beeps.

CARL
Your Villousness!
Two ships are detected in orbit!
(gulps)
They match the profiles of the ships
who attacked us at the previous timeline!

The BALD GOONS look worriedly at JUSTIN PICKARD, but he claps his hands lightly, once, and sports a dark grin.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Gooood…
(fondly, to FELLATIO NELSON)
Thanks to those upgrades, this
time we shall emerge victorious!

FELLATIO NELSON
Yes, sir!

As we watch, FELLATIO NELSON surreptitiously palms his small electronic device again. A red button is flashing slowly. His thumb is poised over it.

RAN EXILIS goes nervously up to JUSTIN PICKARD.

RAN EXILIS
Your Hairiness, should not our
first priority be the virus release?

JUSTIN PICKARD
(glares at him)
Silence, Hirsuite Prime!
For now at least…
(shakes his head)
They interrupted our crusade before!
They must be punished for that!

RAN EXILIS
(hangs head)
I obey…my lord.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(turns away, shouts orders)
Shields up! Prepare technobabblyon-particle cannons one and two!
(leans forward in chair)
And open a comm channel to them.

HOBELHOUSE
(at the comm station)
Yes, your Pilosity.

The TV screen shows the AH.com and German ships coming ever closer. Then it switches to a view of the AH.com ship’s bridge.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(loudly)
Unidentified ship!
This is Captain Jus-Tin Pickard of the Federation stars-
(shakes himself)
I have got to stop doing that.
(loudly)
Ahem, I mean, I am Captain Justin Pickard of the Hairplane!
You have tried to stand in the way of our holy quest and you
shall be destroyed in a pleasing, post-ironic fashion!

DOCTOR WHAT stands up on the screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hard voice)
Well—you virus-bombing, studenty-haired,
overly verbose loony—there’s only one response to that.
(nods)
Now!

As JUSTIN PICKARD looks confused, we pan down to FELLATIO NELSON. His thumb jabs down on the red button.

RAN EXILIS sees him do it.

RAN EXILIS
(angry)
You! What are you doin-

As he speaks, suddenly several consoles explode, showering HOBELHOUSE and GENERAL TIU with glass. They scream and fall back, thrashing, before messily bleeding to death. Flames and sparks go everywhere. Clumps of hair on the wall catch fire and JUSTIN PICKARD screams in sympathy.

RAN EXILIS, his face flaming, yanks out a gun.

RAN EXILIS
Traitor!
(to himself)
I knew I should have settled for that John Reynolds dude!

He fires, sending three balls of green technobabblyon energy across the room. FELLATIO NELSON dives off the dais and they pass over his head, slamming into the hairy walls and setting more hair on fire.

RAN EXILIS
I’ll get you, you…

Suddenly SNAKES OF HAIR curl across the floor and walls, wrapping themselves around both RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON. Both struggle to break free, but fail.

JUSTIN PICKARD, a maddened look in his eyes, stalks across the dais towards them.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly, to FELLATIO NELSON)
You…you betrayed me!
(and to RAN EXILIS)
And you recruited him!
You must be another bloody traitor!

RAN EXILIS tries to protest, but the hair is already wrapping around his throat.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(nastily)
I find your lack of faith in our quest…disturbing.

The hair coils tighten. Both FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS begin to choke and go blue in the face.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Shift off this mortal coil!
(smiles to himself)
Heh. A pun.

FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS go limp. However, as they do, the HAIRPLANE suddenly shudders and we hear more distant explosions.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(distracted)
What the-?!

As he turns away, the coils of hair loosen and FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS fall to the ground. However, neither of them move; they’re either dead or at least deeply unconscious. Both have bluing bruises around their throats.

JUSTIN PICKARD stares at the TV screen, frought with static. It shows the two ships heading towards him.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(barking)
Status!

CARL
(scanning his console desperately)
Shields are completely down!

JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly, still staring at screen)
No…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is still standing up. On the viewscreen we can see a series of small explosions breaking out across the Hairplane.

DOCTOR WHAT
Status?

GBW
(at sensor console)

Their shields register as zero.

KIT
(jubilantly)
He did it!
(glances down at console)
Oh…Acting-Kapitan Sinister
wants to know if we’re pressing the attack?

DOCTOR WHAT
(tugging shirt)
Damn right!
(to MATT)
Target their weapons only—we’re beaming our
people over there, remember.

MATT
With pleasure!

MATT works his console, and on the viewscreen, we see AH.com particle beams lancing out and hitting the Hairplane’s weapons arrays. The more nimble German ship flies in an arc around and pummels the same areas with its missiles.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to KIT)
Alert the teleporter room. It’s a go.

KIT nods.

INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM - DAY

FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO are standing on the teleporter pads. G.BONE is now playing Solitaire.

G.BONE
(to himself)
I can’t remember the rules.
Maybe I’ll just put the cards in random
piles and then declare myself the winner.
(does so)
That was oddly satisfying.

The intercom bleeps. G.BONE starts.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Justin’s shields are down! Energise!

At the sound of the name ‘Justin’, FLOCCULENCIO’s right eye suddenly starts twitching violently.

G.BONE
Uh, sure.

G.BONE presses random buttons on the console and the commando team vanishes with a pop. He shrugs and goes back to his Solitaire.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM – DAY

JUSTIN PICKARD looks on, incensed, as the AH.com and German ships fire.

CARL
Um, Your Villousness, some strange readings
emanating from the bigger ship-

JUSTIN PICKARD
(angrily)
Never mind!
Just power up weapons and shoot back!

EUIO and BLACKMAGE step gingerly over the bodies of GENERAL TIU and HOBELHOUSE, and start working the weapons consoles.

JUSTIN PICKARD settles back in his throne, glaring at the ships.

JUSTIN PICKARD
They will not win. They can’t win…

EXT. – SPACE –NEAR EARTH

We see the AH.com and German ship fire a barrage of weapons fire at the Hairplane. Explosions appear all along the hull of the ship, burning off clumps of hair.

TIGHT ON- HAIRPLANE’S CANNONS

They swivel and fire at point blank range as the two ships swing by.

EXT. –SPACE- NEAR EARTH

Two green energy balls slam into the German ship as it swings by. Its shields sparkle and its engines begin to sputter…then stop entirely.

Only momentum carries the German ship forward. The AH.Com ship turns and makes another pass at the Hairplane, as the German ship begins to drift helplessly…

INT. – MEDICAL BAY – DAY

We see WEAPON M and LUAKEL (both holding BFG) guarding a morose and bound NEK. The whole ship is shaking as we hear the sounds of distant explosions.

One explosion sounds a lot louder and closer. We hear a few distant screams.

HENDRYK appears in the doorway a minute or so later.

HENDRYK
Lee! I need your help!
We just had some plasma conduits blow up!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is trapped under a big slab of metal
and we need some help getting him out!

WEAPON M
Psycho? Meh—that’s a tough break, man, but it’s not
like he’s useful for anything. I’ve got orders to stay here
and watch the prisoner. Get someone else to do it.

HENDRYK
IRONYUPPIE is trapped under it as well.

WEAPON M
Well, fuck man, why didn’t you say so earlier? Without her, we can’t have any fun watching LANDSHARK get abused!
(turns to go)
LUAKEL! Keep an eye on this NEK freak! We’ll be back in just a few minutes!

LUAKEL
Will do!

HENDRYK and WEAPON M run out, leaving LUAKEL behind.

NEK glances up, a brief smile on his face, before glancing down again.

INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is in the command chair. LANDSHARK (still in his WW1 Reichswehr uniform) and MATT are at helm and weapons. GBW and KIT are at other stations.

The viewscreen shows multiple explosions appearing on the hull of the Hairplane.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s happening to the German ship?

MATT
Their systems are totally kaput, but zey should be
up to full power in less than eine minute!

DOCTOR WHAT
(giving MATT a funny look for a brief second)
Sharky—keep us between the Hairplane and the Germans!
We gotta give them time to get their power back up!

LANDSHARK
Ja mein Kapitan! I vill show them that I am der uber-pilot!

MATT
And I will show them schwein-asshats not to mess vith us!

DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK and MATT in utter confusion for a moment before shrugging his shoulders.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The ah.com ship and the Hairplane fly at each other, massive amounts of weaponsfire blasting at each other, The Hairplane’s energy balls slam again and again into the AH.com ship, causing its shields to sparkle and sputter and its power system to fluctuate. Multiple small explosions can be seen along the hulls of both ships. The Hairplane desperately attempts to dodge out of the way of the AH.com ship but the AH.com ship manages to match the more nimble Hairplane time and again.

The German ship can be seen in the background, still drifting.

INT. – GERMAN SHIP BRIDGE – DAY

The bridge is a mess, with numerous consoles damaged, and smoke everywhere. Acting Captain MAX SINISTER is in the command chair.

MAX SINISTER
Status! Vhere der hell iz mein weapons?!

We see a figure with his head buried in one of the consoles frantically making some kind of repairs. With a triumphal shout, he sticks his head out and faces MAX SINISTER.

It’s MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
(grinning)
Mein Kaptain! Ich bin ein Genie! Der System iz repaired und should be at zer full power einen ten seconds!
(lights up a cigar)

MAX SINISTER
Mein Gott! Das iz amazing!
(to CARLTON BACH)
All weapons! Fire on that schwein!

EXT. – GERMAN SHIP – DAY

The German ship – now almost fully powered up – starts to move towards the battle between the ah.com and the Hairplane.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY

STEFFEN, SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO are walking down a hair covered corridor.

The entire right side of FLOCCULENCIO’s face is twitching spastically. Every now and then, a low growl comes from him.

The whole ship shudders every few seconds as we hear the sounds of distant explosions.

STEFFEN
(looking at a scanner)
I am having trouble detecting ze schwein on zis ship!

SUSANO
Ve must find ze information on ze virus!

STEFFEN
(dangerous glint in his eyes)
Ja! But once ve haff zat information…

The three turn a corner to find themselves in an unoccupied computer room. The two Germans glance at one another and smile. SUSANO sits in front of one of the computer consoles and starts tapping in a few commands. He lets out a shout a few seconds later.

SUSANO
Kaptain! I’ve accessed ze main medical databanks!
I haff access to ze schematics of ze virus!
Its RNA structure, ze original design notes, ze timelines they’ve attacked,
different types of vaccines they haff—everything!

STEFFEN
Ve must give zis information to our ships!
(pulls out a communicator)
Zis iz Kapitan STEFFEN to –

INT. – AH.COM MED BAY –DAY

We see LUAKEL standing guard over NEK. Another explosion rattles the ah.com ship, causing the whole ship to shake violently, causing LUAKEL to stumble for a second or two.

NEK takes advantage of the distraction and, with an insane yell, suddenly rips through his bonds and leaps out of the chair and jumps at LUAKEL!

LUAKEL and NEK go down, screaming and clawing at each other. LUAKEL pushes NEK off and valiantly throws a few punches at him but NEK manages to somehow dodge out of the way of the punches before they connect. It’s as though he can predict LUAKEL’s every move.

LUAKEL
(throwing another punch and seeing NEK dodge once again out of the way)
How the hell are you doing that?!

NEK
(grinning maniacally)
Nighty-night!

NEK throws a punch at LUAKEL that hits him square in the face. LUAKEL falls onto his back, unconscious.

NEK
Must find Master….must return to him….

 

 

 

END ACT I

 

 

ACT II

 

 


INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

NEK rushes out the door and into the corridor. He looks frantically around for a few seconds and then rushes down a corridor.

CUT TO-

We see NEK running down a smoke filled corridor dimly lit with emergency lighting. He suddenly stops, does a double take and runs back the direction he just came from and stops in front of a door. The door reads –

EMERGENCY ESCAPE POD

SEATS FOUR COMFORTABLY

SEATS SIX UNCOMFORTABLY

CAN SEAT TEN … BUT ONLY IF THEY
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER

NEK grins and opens the door.

INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is standing up near the weapons/navigation consoles.

The ship is shaking as the battle intensifies. The viewscreen shows the Hairplane, its hull damaged in a dozen places, still blasting relentlessly away at the ah.com ship. A particularly powerful explosion rocks the ship and everyone clutches onto something to keep from falling.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Status!

LEO
Shields at 21%!
(beat)
At current rates, shields will collapse within two minutes!

DOCTOR WHAT
Then we gotta knock out these bastards fast, don’t we!
Keep firing, Matt!

MATT
Jawohl mein Kapitan!

DOCTOR WHAT
(too distracted to notice MATT)
Sharky—what’s the status on the Daring Commando Team™-

The intercom suddenly crackles with static and then—

STEFFEN
Zis iz Kapitan STEFFEN to zer AH.kom ship!
Ve haff found ze information on ze virus!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Alright! Captain—use the comm. to record all the
information and then transmit it to us! We’ll teleport
you guys out of there the first chance we get!

STEFFEN
(VO)
Ja! Ve vill be transmitting in just eine minute!
STEFFEN out!

Radio turns off.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks up at LEO’s ‘eye’)
LEO! Record that information immediately!

LEO
Immediately? But my archive systems
are still damaged from the first battle.
(beat)
I’ll have to overwrite the data on my backup navicomp system…

DOCTOR WHAT
Just do it! We may not be able to teleport them out of there
for a few more minutes and I don’t want to miss this chance!

LEO
Very well.
(beat)
Hey—somebody just launched one of our escape pods…

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha-? …

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the Hairplane and the AH.com ship exchanging massive amounts of weapons fire. The entire region of space here is practically glowing from all the explosions.

PULL OUT-

The German ship—now fully powered up—flying into the battlezone, its weapons lancing out and striking the Hairplane as well.

PULL OUT SOME MORE –

A small escape pod flying down towards the Earth, its trajectory putting it somewhere over the United States.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY

We see SUSANO holding a comm. in his hand. It makes an acknowledging beep.

SUSANO
Download complete, Kapitan!

STEFFEN
Transmit information to zer ah.com ship!

SUSANO
Ja!

SUSANO presses a few buttons on the comm.

TIGHT ON – COMM
Transmitting file – 1% complete ”. A few seconds later we see the “1% ” change to “2% ”.

SUSANO
Zer file is being transmitted!
File transfer should only take only a few minutes!

An explosion rocks the ship.

STEFFEN
Let’s get ze fuck out of here!

SUSANO
Ja!

The three of them turn to leave—only to see CARL and REDEM at the doorway, weapons drawn.

CARL
Oh no—you’re not going anywhere!

REDEM
Drop your weapons!

SUSANO and STEFFEN glance at one another, look at FLOCCULENCIO, smile and nod.

SUSANO
(raising hands)
Sure thing—but just answer eine question.

STEFFEN
(raising hands)
Ja! Who iz your boss?

REDEM
The great one himself—JUSTIN PICKARD.

At the sound of Justin’s name, FLOCCULENCIO’s eyes snap open and he shakes his head violently. Seemingly coming out of a deep sleep, he blinks and looks around for the source of the name.

His red-rimmed eyes fixate on REDEM and CARL.

STEFFEN and SUSANO throw themselves to the ground as FLOCCULENCIO, screaming incoherently, charges at REDEM and CARL. Neither one of them even has a chance to react before FLOCCULENCIO tackles them and beats them into unconsciousness.

FLOCCULENCIO looks around, seemingly realizing for the first time where he is.

FLOCCULENCIO
Must…destroy…the…Great…Satan…

STEFFEN
Ja!

STEFFEN looks down at the comm.

TIGHT ON: COMM
Transmitting file – 15% complete”.

The three leave the room.

CUT TO –

INT. – HAIRPLANE CORRIDOR – DAY

FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO are running down a corridor. FLOCCULENCIO is staring at the ship with an expression of vague interest.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hmmm- weird looking ship.

VOICE
(VO)
It's not JUST a ship- it's a Plane of Awesomeness!

FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO turn around in shock.

JUSTIN PICKARD is standing in the corridor, a look of pure fury in his eyes.

FLOCCULENCIO
No! It’s a Plane of Evil!
(snarling)
I curse your pallid visage, Pickard!

The three bring up their weapons but JUSTIN PICKARD waves his hands in a Jedi-like manner.

Long tentacles of hair erupt from the floor, the walls and even the ceiling and wrap themselves around the limbs of the three, trussing them up near the ceiling. Their weapons are yanked from their arms by yet more tentacles of hair. With a twist, the weapons are snapped in half and the pieces casually thrown away. STEFFEN drops his comm. and it falls onto the hair covered floor.

TIGHT ON: COMM
Transmitting file – 35% complete ”.

TIGHT ON: JUSTIN PICKARD’s EYES
A look of confusion—turned quickly into pure hatred.

CUT TO:

JUSTIN PICKARD
You DARE to defy me?!
(snarls)
Enough of this foolishness!

A large tendril of hair comes out of the wall and forms itself into a mace-like object and hovers over the comm.

TIGHT ON: COMM
Transmitting file – 40% complete ”.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiling evilly at STEFFEN)
Watch as your hopes die!

With a scream of pure fury, STEFFEN, with near-superhuman strength, rips his arms free of the tendrils of hair binding him and he falls to the ground.

JUSTIN PICKARD looks up, a brief glimpse of confusion and hesitation on his face.

STEFFEN gets up and, still screaming in fury, charges at JUSTIN and tackles him, knocking him to the ground.

With JUSTIN distracted, the Hair-Mace collapses into a simple clump of hair. The tendrils of hair holding SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO loosen ever so slightly. Both start screaming and yanking at their bounds as well.

TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 50% complete ”.

STEFFEN is savagely pummeling JUSTIN with several punches to the face. Just as it appears that JUSTIN is on the verge of unconsciousness-

-SNAKES OF HAIR erupt from a wall, wrapping themselves around STEFFEN’s throat. STEFFEN begins to choke and go blue in the face as JUSTIN begins to slowly stand up.
SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO, with a final scream, tear loose from their bounds, and fall to the ground. Behind them, unseen by them, a large clump of hair in the shape of a giant fist begins to form.

TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 65% complete ”.

STEFFEN lashes out with a kick in sheer desperation—which connects to JUSTIN’s groin. JUSTIN screams.

The giant hair fist falls apart into clumps of loose hair strands.

SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO stand up and charge at JUSTIN.

With a maddened look in his eyes, JUSTIN throws STEFFEN against a bulkhead using the tendril of hair and turns to face SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO.

A large tentacle of hair, two feet wide, lashes out from a wall and knocks SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO off their feet and throws them backwards. They slide twenty feet along the floor on their backs before coming to a stop, gasping for breath.

JUSTIN walks forward a few feet, pure insanity in his eyes. More tendrils of hair come out of the walls and wrap themselves around the chests of SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO and pull them closer to their respective walls.

SUSANO is now firmly stuck to the right hand side of the corridor wall, while FLOCCULENCIO is firmly stuck to the left hand side of the corridor wall.

JUSTIN turns to look at the comm., still on the floor.

TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 99% complete ”.

There is a loud BEEP

It changes to: “100% complete –file successfully transmitted

TIGHT ON: JUSTIN face looking on in anger

JUSTIN PICKARD
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

JUSTIN’s screams seem to make every clump of hair shake—and loosen. SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO fall to the ground, stunned and injured and still slumped against the walls.

FLOCCULENCIO’s bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini falls out of his pocket and onto the ground. He looks at it in surprise and glances at all the hair around him—-and smiles. He pulls out his cigarette case and reaches down to pick the bottle just as JUSTIN turns around.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(screaming)
I’ll kill you with my bare hands, Heretic!

With a smile, FLOCCULENCIO opens the cigarette case—and gasps as he pulls out, not a lighter, but a piece of paper instead.

CLOSE-UP – PIECE OF PAPER

“IOU one lighter”
-signed MICHAEL

FLOCCULENCIO
That Aussie bastard!

SUSANO
(VO)
Heads up!

FLOCCULENCIO raises his head to see SUSANO holding a large silver plated cigarette lighter. He throws it at FLOCCULENCIO –just as JUSTIN begins to run toward the two of them.

TIGHT ON:
Cigarette lighter tumbling end over end in slow motion through the air.

JUSTIN’s hands reaching out towards FLOCCULENCIO.

The cigarette lighter landing into FLOCCULENCIO’s outstretched hand.

With a flick of the lighter, the bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini bursts into flames and FLOCCULENCIO throws it right into JUSTIN PICKARD’s face.

With an awe inspiring ‘FWOOSH’ sound, JUSTIN PICKARD’s hair covered body bursts into flames!

The hair covered corridor begins to smolder—and then it too bursts into flames! Seconds later, large sections of the walls and ceiling begin to smolder.

JUSTIN collapses to the floor, burning. A moment later the entire floor collapses, sending JUSTIN’s burning body crashing into the room below…

INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONEROOM – DAY

EUIO and BLACKMAGE are still at the weapons and navigation consoles. The static filled viewscreen shows the AH.com ship and German ship pounding away mercilessly at the Hairplane.

We see the unmoving bodies of FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS lying near the throne near the rear of Throne Room.

EUIO
(glancing up in surprise)
Hey—you smell something burning?

BLACKMAGE
(glancing up)
Yeah—weird smell—like…burning hair?
And what’s that strange crashing sound….?

JUSTIN’s burning body, followed by a large chunk of the floor from above, falls through the ceiling and crashes onto the two of them, crushing both them and their consoles.

Through the viewscreen, we see the Hairplane suddenly shudder and start spinning out of control…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha—?
(beat)
What the hell you mean an emergency
escape pod has been launched?
Who’s in it?

LEO
I am detecting one life sign in the pod—
belonging to the prisoner identified as NEK.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hitting button on command chair)
G.BONE! I need you to do an emergency teleport of that escape pod pronto!

INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

We see G.BONE staring in a book titled ‘Where’s Waldo?’.

CAMERA SWINGS— to show the page he’s looking at.

The page is completely blank—except for a single figure of a man wearing a red and white striped shirt in the exact center of the page.

G.BONE
(to himself)
Hmmmm…this is a tough one…

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone!
I need you to do an emergency teleport
of that escape pod pronto!

G.BONE glances up in confusion for a second and hits a button on the console.

G.BONE
No can do, Doc!
We had a whole bunch of conduits blow up!
The range of the teleporter is -

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

G.BONE
(VO)
—barely 30% of normal. Sorry Doc!
You have to get us closer if you want me to do it.
And I can’t do it anyway unless you drop the shields.

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt? Landshark?

MATT
Nein! That schweinhund still shooting is
making it dangerous to drop ze shields!

LANDSHARK
Pull away?
(incredulously)
At ze moment uff eine glorious triumph to go capture an annoying und useless teenager? Vith der German ship finally doing zer useful thing? NEIN!

DOCTOR WHAT swears under his breath.

LEO
Ah—the Daring Commando Team™ are
transmitting information on the virus.
(beat)
Excellent-it’s already at 10% complete.
(beat)
Hmmmm…useful information…
(beat)
Very useful information indeed…

DOCTOR WHAT
Useful enough to make a cure?

LEO
Information is still being transmitted at the moment
but if the information they send us is as detailed as I
think it is, then yes—a cure can be created.

DOCTOR WHAT
By anybody?

LEO
Yes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really anybody?

LEO
Yes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really, really anybody?

LEO
Yes.

There is a long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really, really, really anybody?

LEO
(exasperated tone of voice)
Yes—even a brain-dead chimpanzee will be able
to make a universal cure for the virus
with the information that’s being transmitted.

There is a very long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Partially brain-dead or totally brain-dead chimpanzee?

LEO
Totally brain-dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Huzzah! There’s hope for us yet!

The entire crew cheer and high-five one another.

LEO
(muttering under his breath)
Damn fleshbags.
(beat)
File has been successfully received.
Overwriting navicomp data…

The ship rocks for a few seconds as several distant explosions can be heard.

DOCTOR WHAT hops back into his command chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Status on the Hairplane!

LEO
The Hairplane has suffered major damage but is still continuing the fight.
(beat)
The Hairplane is outside teleporter range.
We are unable to teleport the commando team out at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT! Keep firing at those weapon systems!
We gotta knock them out so we can get our team out!

MATT
Ja! Eat ze particle beams, schweinen!

The viewscreen shows several explosions appear on the hull of the Hairplane.

Suddenly, the Hairplane flies out of control and shoots past the ah.com ship, twisting and tumbling.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the fuck? Leo—what happened?

LEO
The Hairplane has suffered a catastrophic loss of both helm and weapons systems.
(beat)
Oh dear—it appears to be flying straight towards the Earth.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

We see the Hairplane fly at tremendous speed towards the Earth. As we watch, it begins to hit the outer atmosphere of the planet and have its hull slowly start heating up as its trajectory takes it over the United States.

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE –DAY

The bridge crew watch in horror as the Hairplane heads towards the Earth.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Are we in range for the teleporters?

LEO
Negative.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grim look)
Power dive! Get us after that ship!

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

We see the AH.Com ship fly straight towards the Earth. Its hull starts to heat up as it plunges into the atmosphere after the Hairplane.

INT. – HAIRPLANE –DAY

The entire corridor is filled with smoke and there is a rather large hole in the center of it. Flames and electrical sparks can dimly be seen emanating from the hole.

SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO stand up.

FLOCCULENCIO
(staring down at hole)
Huzzah! The Vile one is gone! That was great work, STEFFEN!
(beat)
STEFFEN?

FLOCCULENCIO looks over to see SUSANO looking at STEFFEN’s prone body. SUSANO turns to FLOCCULENCIO, looking pale.

FLOCCULENCIO
Is he…is he…?

SUSANO just shakes his head.

FLOCCULENCIO
(quiet voice)
Damn…

The Hairplane begins to shake violently.

SUSANO
I fear ve vill be joining him soon….

FLOCCULENCIO
No way! Those guys have a teleporter!
All we have to do is contact them on the comm. and they’ll
be able to lock in on us and get us out of here!

SUSANO
Der comm? Zat vould be der device zat fell into zer hole vith Pickard, ja?

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh shit…..

SUSANO
(slinging STEFFEN’s body over his shoulder)
VE must find a way off zer ship!

They run down a corridor while the shaking gets worse.

EXT. – EARTH ATMOSPHERE – DAY

The Hairplane is plunging through the atmosphere, friction completely burning away what few clumps of hair had remained on the hull of the ship. A massive fireball is forming around the ship as it continues its descent.

Its trajectory is taking it towards the Midwestern part of the United States.

A few seconds later, trailing a massive fireball of its own, is the AH.com ship flying after the Hairplane.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The entire ship is shaking violently. The viewscreen shows nearly a solid wall of flames surrounding the ah.com ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Time to impact!

LEO
100 seconds!

DOCTOR WHAT
Time till teleporter range!

LEO
90 seconds!
(beat)
Doc—at this speed we might not be able to pull out of the dive in time!

DOCTOR WHAT
Then we better catch up to them sooner! Faster!
(hitting a button on chair)
G.Bone! We’re going to be cutting this very close!
Get ready to beam them out!

G.BONE
(VO)
I’m detecting multiple human signs but I can’t get a lock on their specific signs!

DOCTOR WHAT
Then just beam every human off that ship—we’ll sort them out later!

EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY

The Hairplane is flying low over a heavily forested landscape, its engines on fire and the plane itself listing to one side, totally out of control. It leaves a trail of black smoke behind it, partly from the remaining clumps of hair burning.

It is heading straight towards a group of large hills in the distance.

INT. – HAIRPLANE- DAY

We see SUSANO (still carrying STEFFEN’s body over his shoulder) and FLOCCULENCIO running through a corridor. They come to a stop at a dead-end.

SUSANO
Gott im Himmel!
Vat kind uff dumbkoft doesn’t built ze ezcape pods in zer ship!
Ve Germans vould haff built a dozen escape pods for zis ship!

FLOCCULENCIO
(faraway look in his eyes)
So—as it was prophesized…the Two will meet—Prophet and Heretic-
and destroy each other and a New Age of the Goatist will emerge…

FLOCCULENCIO shakes his head.

FLOCCULENCIO
(a bit sadly)
Oh—to be a simple Singaporean Man of Leisure once again…

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The viewscreen shows the ship to be VERY close to the surface of the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone!!!

G.BONE
(VO)
Teleporting—-now!

INT. – HAIRPLANE- DAY

We see SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO disappear with a loud ‘pop’.

INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY

We see the still-unconscious RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON disappear with a loud ‘pop’.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

G.BONE
(VO)
Got them all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky—full speed ascent!

LANDSHARK
Jawohl!

The entire ship—with an incredible groaning sound of protesting metal– suddenly tilts upwards. Most of the bridge crew are knocked back into their seats.

The viewscreen shows clouds streaking past the ship. Dimly visible ahead of them is the black trail of smoke with the Hairplane at the head, but it slides towards the bottom of the screen and vanishes as LANDSHARK struggles to pull up.

INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM- DAY

We see the debris from the collapsed ceiling in a pile. Suddenly, a few pieces shift and tumble away from the pile.

Emerging from the pile of debris is—

JUSTIN PICKARD.

He is horribly burnt and severely injured. He slowly stands up, swaying unsteadily. He looks around.

JUSTIN PICKARD
I…live!

He glances up at the static-filled view-screen. It shows a large and very familiar looking mountain directly in front of the Hairplane.

MOUNT RUSHMORE!

JUSTIN PICKARD
(incongruously cheerful)
Ah—post-modern irony….

EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY

We see the Hairplane slam at high speed directly into Mount Rushmore.

PULL OUT-

We see a massive explosion appear on the horizon.

PULL OUT MORE-

We see an escape pod lying on the banks of a small river. NEK is standing next to it. He glances up to see the explosion appear on the horizon.

NEK
(shocked voice)
Master?

NEK collapses to his knees in tears.

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY

We see the AH.com ship come streaking out of the atmosphere at high speed. After a few seconds, it slows down and enters into orbit around the Earth. A few moments later, the German ship comes into view.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
G.BONE! Report!

G.BONE
We’ve got the whole team. They look pretty beat up.
(beat)
And Captain Steffen didn’t make it.

Reactions, as everyone looks around the room.

G.BONE
We have his body here…I…

DOCTOR WHAT
(licking his lips)
Beam…beam it to the cargo bay…
when you’ve got a moment, G.Bone…
and we’ll send it to the Germans later…

G.BONE
(solemn for once)
Yessir.
(beat)
Plus we’ve got a few unconscious prisoners.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is Pickard with them?

G.BONE
Nope. Guess he was still on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Good riddance, as far as I’m concerned.
(breathes out a sigh of relief)
(smiles)
Great job everyone! Well done!
That was fucking amazing piloting skills there Landshark!

LANDSHARK
Ja! Ich bin ein Ubermensch!

DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK with a utterly confused expression and then shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Always knew Erikka’s activities would destroy
what few brain cells he had sooner or later.
(beat; normal voice)
Ok people—we’ve got work to do!
We have people hurt, prisoners to tie up, a ship to fix…

INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is staring at STEFFEN’s body.

G.BONE
He’s really …?

SUSANO
(sadly)
Ja.
(beat)
But his sacrifice vas not in vain—
ve got der cure und ve destroyed the ship
und ve even captured zum prisoners because uff him!

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ll drink to that!

FLOCCULENCIO pulls out his bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini and takes a generous gulp.

SUSANO
(staring at FLOCCULENCIO in confusion)
Did you not use zat bottle as ein Molotov cocktail?
How iz it still in your possession?

FLOCCULENCIO
(shrugging shoulders)
Beats me—guess two wrongs make a right!

G.BONE
(confused look)
One thing I’m unclear on.
I’m pretty sure that I detected three life signs in the
bridge of the Hairplane just before it crashed.
But only two appeared here.
I specifically ordered the computer to beam
over all humans onto the ship.
So why wasn’t he beamed over?

FLOCCULENCIO
Guess it’s true—he really wasn’t human!

FLOCC turns, smiles and walks out the room, drinking his appletini. On his way out, he passes KIT coming in.

KIT
(seeing the prone bald FELLATIO NELSON)
Agh! Are you all right, Fell?

KIT pulls out a medical kit and quickly revives the two bald unconscious figures, RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON.

RAN EXILIS
(confused)
Where…where am I…what happened…?

SUSANO
(angrily)
You vill kommen viz me!

SUSANO grabs the dazed RAN EXILIS and frogmarches him out of the room.

SUSANO
(in a distant, echoing murmur)
I vill teach you treacherous Nederlansch
scum not to take part in zer glorious
Grossdeutschen unification…

As the sound fades, KIT cradles the still dazed FELLATIO NELSON’s head in his lap. G.BONE, diplomatically, teleports STEFFEN’s body to the cargo bay and then walks out himself, leaving them alone.

KIT
(in soft tones)
Don’t worry, you’ll be alright, Fell,
as soon as I revive you with some of my
(smiles to himself)
Special medicine.

FELLATIO NELSON watches him with only half-focused eyes as KIT stands facing him, away from our POV, and we hear a distinct ‘ZIP!’ sound.

EXT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

Sound effects: crashes, bangs, metallic clangs.

FELLATIO NELSON
(VO)
AAAARGHPLEASENONONONONO-URGH!

As we watch, a figure walks up to the teleporter room door and goes in.

INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

KIT is looking hurt and smoking a cigarette while FELLATIO NELSON hugs his legs to his chest and shakes back and forth, looking psychologically traumatised.

KIT
(tuts)
I knew you went through a lot on that ship, Fell,
but that’s really no excuse for…

KIT trails off as the doors open and he looks up at the new figure.

KIT
(unbelieving)
Wha…?!

FELLATIO NELSON – another FELLATIO NELSON, this one with a full head of hair and wearing his uniform seen before – swaggers into the room.

KIT
But…?!

FELLATIO NELSON
(smiles)
Ah. I comprehend your confusion, my
column of Celtic cugliness.
(nods at the shaking, bald FELLATIO NELSON)
The man who helped you here was not
myself, as it happens, but my twin brother.
As he had already lost his hair in a bizarre
paprika accident, I thought him perfect for the role.
(beat)
In other words, he was a Bald Imposter.

KIT
But…you mean…?

FELLATIO NELSON
Ah yes, as it happens, he does not…share our views.

KIT
(pouting)
But that means I wasted myself on him!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(quietly)
Get me out…get me out of here…
please let me go back to the nice
hairy psychopath who only wants
to crush the life out of me…

FELLATIO NELSON
(with a grin)
Well, as it happens, I’m feeling a little faint myself…

KIT
(grinning)
Well, in that case, your friend Baldie
can just remain in the role of…a spectator.

Tight on – THE BALD IMPOSTER’s face as he weakly pulls a Viking helmet out of his pocket and, as we hear two ‘ZIP!’ noises in quick succession, uses the points of the horns to stab himself in the eyes, fork-style.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH – DAY

With the Hollywood Earth rotating slowly below, looking green, blue and pleasant, the AH.com and German ships drift through space. Both ships have damage scoring down their sides.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Clearly some time has passed; a serene-looking FLOCCULENCIO is back at the sensor station, for instance. DOCTOR WHAT is pacing back and forth.

DOCTOR WHAT
(addressing the ceiling)
So, the drive’s repaired, then?

DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
That’s right, Doc—fortunately the
Blue Schvädeschüz armour meant
we didn’t take much permanent damage.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. By the way-what’s the status on that escape pod that was launched earlier?

DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
We found the pod about 50 miles from the impact area
and Lee tracked some footprints to a nearby cave,
but he lost the trail after that point.
He figures that Nek collapsed the entrance behind him,
trapping himself in the cave forever.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Good—one less freak we have to worry about.
(beat)
Now all we need to do is tie up some loose ends…

EXT. – LOS ANGELES – DAY

Most of the AH.commers and Germans, along with Professor ZOOMAR and many other inhabitants of this Earth, all stand solemnly as an organ plays deep, melancholy music.

In the background, we can see what remains of the Hollywood sign after the ravages of the past: several letters have been knocked out so it now just reads LLYW.

KIT
(looking up)
Hmm, I’ve been there…

DOCTOR WHAT
(elbowing him)
Shhh!

DOCTOR WHAT watches as four pall bearers – two planetary natives, FLOCCULENCIO, and SUSANO – carry forward a coffin with the German flag draped over the top, and lower it into the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT nudges MAX SINISTER, standing next to him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hisses)
Why aren’t you taking him back to Deutscherwelt?

MAX SINISTER
(shaking his head)
He alvays vanted to be buried
on zer planet vhere ve finally
brought zer virus’ reign of terror to an End.

DOCTOR WHAT nods in understanding as the Germans all take a step forward and salute their fallen captain, then begin spading earth back into the pit. FLOCCULENCIO, a thoughtful expression on his face, helps them.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see two shuttles going to the AH.com and German ships.

INT. – GERMAN SHIP – BRIDGE

SUSANO, along with some of the other Germans, steps back onto the bridge and they resume their positions. The bridge is still battle-scarred but MICHAEL and CARLTON BACH are repairing it again.

SUSANO
Hail zer AH.kom ship.

OBDERDADA
Jawohl…

DOCTOR WHAT appears on the screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
We’re leaving for the world where
we left my ship’s doctor and chemist.
(beat)
Leo says they should be able to mix up
those vaccines that Captain Steffen got
from the Hairplane’s computer.

SUSANO
He did not die in vain.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, indeed.
(coughs)
So, if you would accompany us through
this vortex, and then we can send Mr Alayta back to the…
(pause)
By the way, what is the name of your ship?

SUSANO
(smiling)
It vas simply called Zer “Me-2358114/X5”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Catchy.

SUSANO
But…I zink from zis day forth it shall haff ein new Name.
(pause)
Zer “Kapitan Steffen”.

DOCTOR WHAT nods.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH – DAY

The two ships emerge from a vortex above a different Earth, with the Caribbean visible below.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT
OK, get me Thande and Torq,
let’s see what they’re up to…

FLOCCULENCIO
Actually—they’re already hailing us…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Okay…

On the screen, the interior of a shuttle cockpit appears. A rattled-looking THANDE and TORQUMADA are in the front seats and the MOSQUITO and BOBO are in the back, obviously trying not to laugh.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are you doing?

THANDE
Um, waiting for you…

DOCTOR WHAT
But what about this planet?

TORQUMADA
(coughs)
Umm, we, er, managed to make up a cure…

The MOSQUITO and BOBO both let out loud snorts.

THANDE
…only suitable for the specific strain
of virus on this world, though.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Well, come on back, and we’ll
see about you making up some
of the general cures and vaccines we’ve found.

TORQUMADA
Will do.

THANDE
By the way, we found out that the
Germans might spread the virus to
you if you spent any prolonged time
in contact with them…

DOCTOR WHAT opens his mouth to reply, but both LANDSHARK and MATT stand up indignantly. Both are now wearing WW1 Reichswehr uniforms and are sporting Kaiser Bill moustaches.

MATT
(angry)
Scheisse! Mein Kapitan, vhere is zer evidence fur zis?

LANDSHARK
(nodding)
Ja! Und as if ve vould spend Time in kontakt
viz zer verdammt Krauts in any Case!

DOCTOR WHAT opens and closes his mouth a few times, then diplomatically turns and leaves the bridge.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MEDICAL BAY/LABORATORY

The Germans and AH.commers all wait around impatiently, while THANDE and TORQUMADA rush around from one area of the lab to the other, mixing things, distilling things, adding things to other things and generally making a mess. BOBO floats past with a test tube rack balanced on top of his cerebral cortex, and THANDE whips out all eight test tubes in quick succession and, as though playing darts, sloshes them with pinpoint accuracy into different flasks. Meanwhile, TORQUMADA grabs the MOSQUITO around the neck and, squeezing his head, uses his piercing mouthparts as a giant pipette to move some liquid from one flask to another. The MOSQUITO’s compound eyes bulge.

DOCTOR WHAT
How long is this going to take?

LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
The recipe is relatively simple
(beat)
Damned fleshbags…

GBW
(puzzled)
How did you manage to store all the data,
Leo? I thought you said before that your
main computer archives had been damaged…?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, as I keep trying to tell the captain, I had to-

THANDE
(interrupting)
Ah!

He raises a single test tube in which is a glowing, almost colourless fluid.

TORQUMADA
(nodding)
Done!

DOCTOR WHAT
Great!

SUSANO
Zere vere many possible cures,
vhich von is zis?

THANDE nods at the sullen-looking bald RAN EXILIS in the corner, tied up.

THANDE
The one which Pickard used to
vaccinate all his own men against the virus.

SUSANO
(doubtful)
So you mean zat he does not haff zer Stereotypica virus?

Everyone turns to look at RAN EXILIS, who’s muttering to himself.

RAN EXILIS
Get even…wait till I have shome legal cannabis
and then marry my disabled lesbian shister
while eating a ham toashtie and playing shome
crazhy funky rock and roll…

TORQUMADA
No-o, apparently he’s just like that anyway.

Everyone shrugs.

THANDE
And now…
(dramatically)
The cure!

THANDE throws the test tube in the air and the colourless liquid turns into a gas, spreading throughout the room. All the Germans, along with MICHAEL, DMA, MATT and LANDSHARK, collapse as the cure runs through them.

Everyone watches anxiously as LANDSHARK slowly gets up.

LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell are you lot
all looking at?
(looks down at uniform)
Ugh! Why am I wearing such a
monochromatic and poorly coordinated
and, more to the point, continental, outfit?

LANDSHARK rips the uniform off in several savage moves. Everyone except IRONYUPPIE averts their eyes.

DIAMOND
(quickly puts on Stevie Wonder sunglasses)
I admit that I normally persuade you lot that
not wearing pants is a good idea, but for you,
Landie, I’ll make an exception.

LANDSHARK
(angrily)
Silence, you damned colonial!

Everyone looks relieved.

GBW
It works…

DAVE HOWERY
(nudging him)
Look!

SUSANO slowly rises to his feet.

SUSANO
Well. That was an experience.
(pauses, looks confused)
Well. That. Well. That…
(smiles)
Well that wily thespian Welshman threw weapons
that warped the warts!

KIT
(confused)
I did what?

MAX SINISTER
He is right! We no longer
have that stupid comedy accent!
(smiles)
We are cured!

SUSANO
(nodding)
All right. Set a course for Deutscherwelt-
we have a planet to fix!

Everyone cheers and the Germans walk out, pausing to say goodbye to MICHAEL, while the AH.commers do the same to ALAYTA.

EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT

Another vortex opens and the two ships come out again, this time above Deutscherwelt.

EXT. – UBER-BERLIN – ABOVE WELTSTAG – DAY

The same view we saw earlier, with the huge towers linked together by the larger version of the Brandenburg Gate. We see two small flickers of light and two tiny pops as two people teleport down to a landing pad, then walk into the huge complex.

INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY

Once more, the huge Weltstag chamber is packed with representatives. We slowly pan down the main path into the chamber as DOCTOR WHAT and SUSANO walk up it, to the podium. KABRALOTH stands anxiously atop this, while ALBIDOOM, facing him, looks skeptical.

KABRALOTH
You haff returned vonce again!
But…
(his eyes search back and forth)
Vhere is Kapitan Steffen?

SUSANO
(voice breaks)
He gave his life so that we could
find the cure, Chancellor.

KABRALOTH
(puzzled)
Is somezing strange about
your akzent…

SUSANO
(patiently)
The cure, Chancellor.

ALBIDOOM
(folds arms)
I vill believe it vhen I see it.

SUSANO
Then see!

SUSANO pulls out another test tube of clear liquid and throws it into the air. Once more, the liquid turns to gas and spreads throughout the room, and then beyond. DOCTOR WHAT watches in wonder as the German politicians slump in their chairs, looking alarmed, and little wisps of green virus gas spill from their mouths before burning up. KABRALOTH manages to hang onto his podium, his eyes crossing as the cure flares within.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Chancellor, are you OK?

KABRALOTH
Sure…I’m…
(blinks)
Hey, what’s with this ‘Chancellor’?
(looks around in confusion)
And where am I?
(even more confused)
This ain’t the Apollo theatre!
My boss’ll have my hide!

DOCTOR WHAT watches, open-mouthed, as KABRALOTH, shaking his head, clambers over the podium and walks out of the Weltstag.

DOCTOR WHAT
But…?

SUSANO
I told you—the virus turned everyone on Deutscherwelt
to Germans, but now we’ve reversed it…

And as he speaks, more politicians stand up, looking confused, and walk out. Perhaps a third of them stay where they are.

DOCTOR WHAT
So—who’s the most senior politician
who was a German to begin with?

SUSANO
(sudden realisation)
Oh shit.

He turns around to see ALBIDOOM standing up, his eyes flaming.

ALBIDOOM
(pointing at SUSANO)
You! Political traitor! What are you doing here?
You must be locked up immediately! Guards! Seize him!

DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing at SUSANO)
Hasty retreat?

SUSANO
Danke.

DOCTOR WHAT clicks his comm and both he and SUSANO disappear with a pop. ALBIDOOM looks confused and then shakes his head, dismissing it.

ALBIDOOM
Never mind.
(addresses remaining Weltstag)
That damned virus interrupted our war!
Now we shall go on to win it, for the Fatherland!

POLITICIANS
(in chorus)
For the Fatherland!

ALBIDOOM
Now, I have high hopes for that war-winning
operation we were planning at the time
the virus came…what was it called again?
(smiles)
Oh yes.
Operation Sealion!

The assembled politicians cheer.

EXT. – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT – DAY

We can see the AH.com ship and the Kapitan Steffen orbiting the planet. Below, tiny explosions are already visible across Britain and Germany as the bombing raids resume.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM

G.BONE stands back as DOCTOR WHAT, looking furious, gets off the teleporter pad. SUSANO still stands there.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t believe they did that!
After all we went through to help them,
and now they’re just going back to
their stupid war!

SUSANO
And we are branded as traitors.

DOCTOR WHAT
(even more annoyed)
And we didn’t get that booze and porn!
(pause)
Look—if you want, we can send down some
of our men, use our advanced technology to
win the war quickly for the Allies and then-

SUSANO
(laughs)
What do you think this is, a novel by Chris?
(shakes his head)
No. We must work this out for ourselves.
And as for we on the Kapitan Steffen
We still have a mission. We must take the cure
to all the planets infected by the virus, until it
was as though Pickard had never been.

DOCTOR WHAT takes a step back and nods in respect at SUSANO’s determination.

SUSANO
…and as it happens, we have plenty
of booze and porn on our ship anyway…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
Nah – it doesn’t matter. I just remembered,
we’ve got something even better to look forward to.
(nods to G.BONE)
OK, send the man back to his ship.

SUSANO
(clicks heels together)
Jawohl, Mein Kapitan!

DOCTOR WHAT gives him a funny look.

SUSANO
(shrugs)
Okay, I admit it, zer stupid komedy akzent
is beginning to grow on me.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Godspeed.

G.BONE presses a button and SUSANO disappears with a pop.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM

DOCTOR WHAT steps back onto the bridge, looking strangely serene. As he does so, we catch a glimpse of the main screen. The Kapitan Steffen vanishes into a vortex.

FLOCCULENCIO
The Germans have left.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
OK—Dave, how are the engines?

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINE ROOM

We see DAVE HOWERY talking into the intercom.

DAVE HOWERY
We’ll have to jury-rig a few things, but
they seem to be holding.

DAVE HOWERY glances behind him. We see that an important-looking cable is sheared in two, with sparks coming from both ends. Slightly off to one side, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, a cast on his leg, is reclining on a lounger while KEIRA KNIGHTLEY rubs baby oil all over his body. MICHAEL looks strangely happy with this state of affairs.

MICHAEL
Want another tequila chaser?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, but lay off the salt.
(makes a face)
I’m amazed Dave let Keira rub oil on me,
though the Sheep knows I deserve it after
that wall fell on my leg-

MICHAEL
(grins)
Well, he said something about increasing your
electrical conductivity…

PSYCHO’s gaze tracks from MICHAEL, to the sparking cable ends, to his broken leg.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh shit…

Cut to:

 

 

END ACT II

 


TAG

 

 


INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM

KIT
We’ll need to go to the Hub to let
the Nelson twins off, Doc.
(smirks to himself)

DOCTOR WHAT
OK, but that can wait.
(turns around, faces the bridge)
Look, you guys know I’m not much of
a one for speeches, but I want to say how
proud I am of what we achieved back there.
(beat)
We faced down a serious enemy and with
a level of cool, calm military professionalism
that I could never have hoped for when you
bunch of losers joined the crew, indeed, such
hopeless piles of-

MATT
We get the picture.

DOCTOR WHAT
-yeah, anyway.
(smiles)
And now it’s time for our reward.
(looks upward)
Leo, you still got the coordinates for
that timeline with all the scantily clad
big-bosomed women whose entire male
population has been killed off and they
need us to mate with all of them?

LEO CAESIUS
No.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good! Then set a course and-
(long, deadly pause)
What do you mean, “no”?!!

LEO CAESIUS
I believe the meaning of the word is clear
enough, though if you prefer, I can give its
equivalent in over six million languages-

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
I told you to save those coordinates!

LEO CAESIUS
And I told you that my main navicomp
data was corrupted and to store the virus
data I’d have to overwrite the backup!
(puts on long-suffering voice)
But of course you self-important fleshbags
are too important to care what a lowly
genius-intellect computer thinks-

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, let me get this clear.
You. Do. Not. Have. The. Coordinates.
(pause)
For. The. Planet. Of. The. Big. Bosomed.
Women. Who. Want. To. Have. Sex. With. Us.

LEO CAESIUS
Not as such, no.

DOCTOR WHAT
(calmly)
Well, there’s only one thing to say to that-

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – SPACE

The AH.com ship drifts entirely placidly in deep space, until-

ENTIRE CREW
(medley)
NOOOOOOOOOOO-

The sound of the scream vibrates the ship and shakes the camera around.

PULL OUT – MORE DISTANT VIEW

The AH.com ship is a tiny metallic dot in the middle of a star cluster, and now all of those stars start shaking around.

ENTIRE CREW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

PULL OUT – EVEN MORE DISTANT VIEW –

We can now see the entire galaxy, and EVERYTHING is vibrating.

ENTIRE CREW
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS – DAY

IAN the bartender is watching the bar and cleaning a glass with a cloth, when a small amount of plaster crumbles from the ceiling. A troubled look appears on his face.

IAN
Weird.
Like dozens of voices deprived
of sweet, sweet love, all crying
out in anguish.

IAN shrugs and goes back to cleaning his glass.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The camera is at an off-kilter angle and all the AH.commers are lying about, blood spurting from their ears. DOCTOR WHAT, pale in the face, manages to drag himself upright.

DOCTOR WHAT
(faraway voice)
Kill you…kill you all…

KIT
(smirking, unaffected)
What were you saying about
cool calm military professionalism, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his finger)
Hey—all that was just about some
psycho trying to destroy the universe.
But [u]this[/u]…
(shudders)

LEO CAESIUS
Look on the bright side, Doc—we’ll most probably
run into it again sooner or later, so long as we stay
around this part of the multiverse.

DOCTOR WHAT
(doubtful)
Unless someone else finds it first.

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening?

DOCTOR WHAT grins.

ZOOM OUT – away from DOCTOR WHAT and the bridge crew, out through the big bridge window, leaving the AH.com ship in space –

And then, with an effect like God turning the page of a book, the universe flips around and we see another timeline, another Earth…

And another ship descending towards it.

A curiously…familiar looking ship. Not this specific one, but the general design…

EXT. – EARTH – PLAZA – DAY

A confused crowd, made up entirely of scantily clad big-breasted women, looks on as the huge ship lands before them. ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ type music plays in the background.

WOMAN 1
Can it be…?

WOMAN 2
The men we seek have finally arrived?

Their voices are hushed as the ramp of the ship slowly comes down. A white mist pours out, followed by several figures, which resolve into –

Three tall big-breasted blonde women wearing incredibly tight leather uniforms with a well-remembered logo on them.

LEAD BLONDE
(into a comm device)
Yes, my Queen, it appears the new Shift-ship design works!
(glances up at crowd)
Well?

WOMAN 1
(uncertainly)
A terrible disease killed off all
the men on our planet.

LEAD BLONDE
Hey, what a coincidence. Same here.

WOMAN 2
We have gone without sex
for three years now…

WOMAN 1
(pleadingly)
Do you bring the men we seek?

The THREE BLONDES laugh in synchrony.

LEAD BLONDE
Men? Sex? Hey, listen, sister, those
two words don’t go together in our world.
(licks her lips as she looks at WOMAN 1)
And in just a moment, I’ll demonstrate…
But right now…

One of the other BLONDES hands the LEAD BLONDE a flag on a flagstab and the LEAD BLONDE stabs it into the ground. The flag blows out in the wind, showing a logo of two pink female symbols linked through the rings, on a background of space, stars…and many Earths.

LEAD BLONDE
I, Captain Venusa of the Lesbian Space Marines,
claim this planet in the name of Queen Anactoria!
(smiles)
The first planet in the new Lesbian Star Empire!

As the WOMEN look around uncertainly, a band of LESBIAN SPACE MARINES steps out of the ship and strikes up a familiar tune:

LESBIAN BAND
In the world where I come from, there are none of those male scum.
And we lived our lives carefree, and our boobs are double D.
So we sat on each others faces, but we worried about alien races.
So we built some rocket machines, and created the Space Marines.

We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.

And then one day, across the sun, we saw a ship, the AH.COM.
So we flew up into space, and my boobs hit me in the face.
With two black eyes, I stormed aboard, and shot some men, then shot some more.
We tied them up and took them home, then the queen yelled, “Thunderdome!”

We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.

Well, those men, they all went free, all because of that damn Yuppie.
And the queen just sits and sighs, thinking about her supple thighs.
But at least the crew is gone, those bastards of the AH.COM.

We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines!

CAPTAIN VENUSA
But we’ll get even with those AH.com bastards one day, eh?

SECOND BLONDE
And reclaim that Yuppie for the Queen!

CAPTAIN VENUSA
(grins)
Damn straight!
(looks at the crowd of WOMEN)
But first…time to instruct the Queen’s new
subjects in the customs of the Empire…

 

 

 

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS


Filed under: Series 1 Comment
24Jan/110

Hair Today – Part 1

TEASER

The camera opens on a scene of a plush furnished sitting room with a fireplace. The camera pans across the room and stops on a large easy chair. MERRYPRANKSTER is sitting on it, a pleasant smile on his face, facing the camera.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Hi--I'm MerryPrankster-- a character on the AH.com Series.
(clears throat)
Now I know that people sometimes make fun of how
I am continually trying to impart continuity into the Series -

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Aw Jeez--he's at it again...

THANDE
(VO)
Every bloody episode it's the same thing--

MERRYPRANKSTER
(speaking louder to be heard over the comments)
—CONTINUITY INTO THE SERIES—
(coughs)
Ahem...
(beat)
..but I just like to say that this particular
episode is absolutely outstanding
as even I approve of the amount
of continuity in this episode.
(smiles)
So sit back and enjoy the —

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh—Merry—that reminds me—we had a focus
group with our fan club and the results are just in.

THANDE
Yeah—it appears that a lot of people seem to
think that all the scenes that involved you were -
(shuffling of papers)
—ah! 'Character-wank'

DOCTOR WHAT
So the creators have decided to retcon the series
and have you removed entirely from it.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What? But they can't do—

He disappears in a puff of smoke.

Pause

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa—that was pretty cool!

THANDE
Do something else!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—how about some naked lesbians?

Pause

There is a definite lack of appearance of naked lesbians.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well-crap! That sucks!

THANDE
Hey—what do we replace Merry with anyway?
There has to be another character there...

DOCTOR WHAT
(shuffling papers)
Yeah—the focus group came up with a good replacement.
They wanted to replace the character with-
(shuffling papers again)
(beat)
—an 8 foot tall Robot Chimp in a Wonder
Woman costume named 'I.P. Freely'?
(beat)
What the fuck? Who the hell did we have in this focus group?

THANDE
(shuffling papers)
—the patients of the Happyvale Home of Freaks, Geeks
and Really, Really Messed-Up Loonies.
(beat)
That's our fan base?

DOCTOR WHAT
You're surprised by that?

Pause

THANDE
No—not really, no. Actually explains a lot to be honest...

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.
(beat)
Roll the episode.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series


“HAIR TODAY GOTTERDAMMERUNG TOMORROW: PART 1”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & THANDE


ACT I


EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

Fade up on a shot of the AH.com ship orbiting an ordinary-looking Earth, somewhere over the Americas. Pan down and zoom in on the Caribbean, passing through the clouds and heading towards a sunlit, balmy island…

EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY

A wide shot of the island, which is covered with palm trees and sparkling white beaches. The deep blue-green water laps lazily on the sand as the brilliant sunlight shines down from the cloudless sky. Scattered about the beaches are ramshackle huts with people of many different races selling ice cream and alcohol. The beaches are covered with people relaxing on deckchairs or under parasols.

Pan across and we find that one particular beach is occupied by a large party of around twenty individuals…

DOCTOR WHAT
(removes his sunglasses, blinks)
Who’d have thought it—we finally found
a nice normal pleasant Earth to vacation on.

Sitting next to DOCTOR WHAT, under a parasol, IRONYUPPIE glances up lazily from what at first looks like a Mills and Boon paperback, but the romantic heroine on the cover in a period-drama dress is holding a series of whips and chains behind her back as she kisses the buff fifties-looking hero. IRONYUPPIE is wearing a bikini and getting a healthy tan.

IRONYUPPIE
Jebus cripes, statistically we were bound
to hit it sooner or later.

GREY WOLF walks up to the other two, dressed like Ian Fleming in white shirt, khaki trousers and sandals, and carrying a tray with seventeen tall glasses on it. Each of the glasses contains a rainbow-layered cocktail with a huge parasol on the top, some sort of slice of fruit – starting from oranges and lemons, but going up to pineapples and melons – and a blob of ice-cream. Grinning to himself, GREY WOLF sits down on a deckchair beside them.

GREY WOLF
Oh, sorry, did [u]you two[/u] want something to drink?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m easy.

IRONYUPPIE
(sidelong glance)
Known that for years, Doc—it shows
from your frankly amateurish choice of lesbian porn—

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway.

GREY WOLF knocks back one or two of the cocktails, then is about to reach for a third but pauses to delicately remove the slice of melon and, holding it at arm’s length, throws it away.

GREY WOLF
Can’t be too careful.

The other two nod solemnly. In the background, DAVE HOWERY walks up with KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. HOWERY is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts with ‘American Tourist’ camera around his neck and a baseball cap which, if you look closely, reveals that he’s been to DisneyWelt from a Nazi-victory world. KEIRA is wearing a bikini but the strapless top keeps falling loosely down and DAVE hastily pushing it back up.

DAVE HOWERY
(happily)
Hi, guys. Good to get away from
those damned engines for a while.
(surveys the beach)
Haven’t seen anything like this since that
time on that Middle Eastern planet where
those two dusky maidens rubbed olive oil into my bea-

KEIRA
(sharply)
Daaaavee…?

DAVE HOWERY
(hastily)
-bear. That’s it, yes. They rubbed olive oil
into my nice new Chinese-made bear.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you done with all the engineering
staff, anyway, Dave?

DAVE HOWERY
Kept ’em busy.
Cut to –

EXT. – BEACH – DAY

Another part of the island, closer to the edge of the beach. An AH.com shuttle, the ‘Jessica Alba’, is parked beneath the palm trees and has been very unconvincingly disguised as one of the huts. On the beach, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE and MICHAEL are all holding surfboards and arguing.

MICHAEL
(to PSYCHO)
What do you know about surfboarding –
you come from a bloody desert 500 km inland!

PSYCHO
(with dignity)
I was once imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay
on suspicion of being Vaguely Foreign Looking
and they taught me more about waterboarding
in those three years than you’ll ever know!

MICHAEL
That’s not the same thing,
you redhead-loving goit-

G.BONE
(coughing)
Dudes, maybe you could
let a real man show the way?

G.BONE runs into the ocean, the other two watching, then sets his sights on a huge wave heading this way. Leaping atop his surfboard, he rides the wave with amazing skill, PSYCHO and MICHAEL gaping at his ability. He jumps up, turns around and lands back on the board. Then the wave turns into a tunnel of water, which G.BONE steers the board straight through the middle.

Then the tunnel of water turns into a tunnel of light and G.BONE vanishes with a flash.

MICHAEL
What the fu-

PSYCHO
Wait…

A dome of light appears beside them on the beach and, when it fades, G.BONE is back again, holding his surfboard and smirking. Behind him are two surprised-looking men with swords, one looking like a Roman and the other a Gaul.

G.BONE
(slams his surfboard into the beach)
Beat that!

MICHAEL
Pfft, that’s just showing off!

PSYCHO
If you can surf your way into other worlds,
how come you can’t work the teleporter right?

G.BONE
(defensively)
I only switched your minds and bodies that one time!

MICHAEL
(smiles in reminiscence)
And what a happy time it was…

PSYCHO edges away.

Cut back to –

EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY

The scene before with DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA, IRONYUPPIE and GREY WOLF relaxing.

GREY WOLF
Um, what happened to Sharky?
I haven’t seen him since we landed.

IRONYUPPIE
(scowls)
I told him to go and get a tan.

Cut to –

EXT. – BEACH – DAY

Yet another part of the beach, this one almost deserted. A giant magnifying glass is set up and the sun’s rays are being focused down on the beach. Nearby insects shriek and burn and the sand itself is beginning to turn to molten rock. But at the epicentre of the beam is LANDSHARK in a Speedo and he’s still anaemically white. He checks himself in a mirror.

LANDSHARK
Dammit!
Must have post-op Michael Jackson syndrome…

Cut back to –

EXT. – BEACH – DAY

IRONYUPPIE
(nastily)
I told him not to come back until no-one was
doing Sam Carsten jokes about him anymore.

GREY WOLF
Um—but isn’t that dangerous?

DAVE HOWERY
It’s only Sharky.

GREY WOLF
(nods)
Yeah, but his skin actually has a negative
melanin quotient. He could end up with
huge tumours on his chest.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiles to herself)
That would certainly make our cosplaying
more…interesting.

Everyone else winces and GREY WOLF plucks a cocktail fork out of one of his glasses, stabbing himself in the eye with it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Still, it’s about time we had a decent rest.
Who knows when we’ll next have some
wacky adventure and get the ship smashed up-

As he speaks, two familiar figures walk out of the nearby palm trees and towards them.

DAVE HOWERY
(sighs)
Speak of the devil…

They get closer, revealing that it’s GBW and LUAKEL. GBW is wearing a tweed hat, a backpack and a T-shirt, shorts and trainers all with luminous strips of yellow or orange on them. LUAKEL is wearing a (spookily) identical miniature version of the costume. Also, both have binoculars on string around their necks. LUAKEL has a hunted look in his eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, GBWy.
Weren’t you showing Luaky
one of your many hobbies…?

GBW
(nods eagerly)
Planespotting, yes.

GREY WOLF
(tuts)
Fuck, really?
The cool people spot airships

GBW
(angrily)
It’s exactly that prejudice which
has led to the sport being unfairly
turned down from the Intertimeline Olympics
when it is followed by literally dozens of people
in the Multiverse…

DAVE HOWERY
And how many planes have you seen today?

GBW
Well…none.
(sighs)
They all seem to use airships in this timeline.

GREY WOLF
Yay!

GBW
(enthusiastically)
But we’ve only been here for three hours,
there’s the rest of the day to consider!

LUAKEL edges up to IRONYUPPIE.

LUAKEL
(whispers)
Kill me.
Kill me now.

IRONYUPPIE ruffles his hair fondly and shakes her head.

IRONYUPPIE
Sorry, kid. I only know how to kill
with sexual overtones and you’re underage.

LUAKEL whimpers as GBW drags him away.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was cruel!

IRONYUPPIE
Did I mention that he sold your
DVD of Girls Who Like Grills XII
to buy Pokémon cards?

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly raging)
That little basta-

GBW
(distantly, interrupting)
Ah, there’s a plane at last!

Heads turn to see GBW pointing at something in the sky and then looking at it with his binoculars.

GBW
(cheerfully)
Not a design I recognise, though.
It looks like the surface of the
fuselage is almost…
(squints)
fluffy?

DAVE HOWERY
Oh God, not more Furry cosplayers.

IRONYUPPIE
(winsomely)
I don’t know, they break so delightfully –

The plane, its engines roaring, flies overhead. As GBW said, its outline is blurred by brownish fur or hair hanging from it. As it goes overhead, though, metal canisters begin to fall in neat trajectories…

GREY WOLF
(leaps to his feet)
They’re bombing us!

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuuuuuuuck!

The canisters crash down into the beach but do not explode. Instead, the tops open up and a vivid green gas begins to emerge.

DAVE HOWERY
Gas! They’re gassing us!
(he grabs KEIRA)
Don’t worry, my dear,
I’ll absorb the poison with my beard-

GREY WOLF
Fuck, what are you supposed to
do in a gas attack again?
(snaps fingers)
Oh, yeah, pee on a cloth and
hold it over your nose…

LUAKEL
(cheerfully)
Step one completed, sir!

GBW pulls out a scanner doodad and waves it in the direction of the gas.

GBW
Strange…
It doesn’t look like a poison gas.
It looks more like…
Bio-particles…

DOCTOR WHAT
A virus?
(pulls out his radio)
This is the captain!

Sound of many stifled laughs and snorts coming back.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Look, that wasn’t funny the first 400 times you did it, either.
Listen, we’re under a virus attack!
Everyone rendezvous at the shuttle…

GREY WOLF taps his shoulder.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
What? I’m trying to be all macho
and Captain Kirk here!

GREY WOLF
Um, look…

DOCTOR WHAT turns. GREY WOLF is pointing at all the timeline natives on the other beaches and in the huts. As the gas washes over them, they fall to the floor and then their features begin to melt and change. Mere seconds later, they rise up again, but with a faraway, zombie-like look in their eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT rushes over to the man running the nearest drinks hut, an ALTERNATE MEJ.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you all right?

ALTEERNATE MEJ
(thick Caribbean accent)
Oh yes mah brothers.
Sing wi’ me!
We have an island in de sun…

The other TIMELINE NATIVES come out of the other huts and, spontaneously, they form a musical-style choreographed calypso.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the fu…?!

DAVE HOWERY
Doc!

DOCTOR WHAT spin around again to find DAVE HOWERY pointing at a tank heading their way, up the beach. Out in the bay, there is suddenly a fleet of battleships and landing craft disgorging more tanks and troops. The troops wear grey and the vehicles are flying the Confederate battle flag.

The tank’s main gun fires, sending a shell over DOCTOR WHAT’s head, where it slams into the nearest hut and blows it up. The tank’s hatch opens to reveal a grinning ROBERTP6165 in a Confederate general’s uniform.

ROBERTP6165
Surrender, y’all!
The whole Caribbean and Central America,
and anywhere else we happen to feel like, .
is now annexed to the Confederate
Fillibusterin’ States of Ameriwank!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah—no can do, my Rebel friend—we’re not
native to these islands and so if you don’t mind—

ROBERTP6165
Not before we enslave you all
’cause we’re Just That Evil!

DOCTOR WHAT
(sidelong whisper)
Suggestions?

DAVE HOWERY
Run away very fast.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good idea!

The AH.commers turn and run away from the tank as it sprays bullets over their heads.

DOCTOR WHAT
(panting)
Back to the shuttle!

EXT. – ABOVE THE ISLAND – DAY

A wide shot shows the AH.commers converging on the shuttle. The gas is now a green haze over the whole area. More Confederate troops are disembarking.

EXT. – THE BEACH – DAY

PSYCHO, MICHAEL and G.BONE run away from two strafing Confederate fighters, holding their surfboards over their heads as shields, and meet up with the other AH.commers as they arrive. LANDSHARK is still bone-white but his Speedos are now on fire. All the AH.commers pile into the shuttle.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us out of here!

DAVE HOWERY
Right!
(to PSYCHO, G.BONE, MICHAEL)
Did you bozos refuel us like I told you to?

MICHAEL
We took the fuel cap off
and then we found something
far more interesting to do.

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering to himself)
Launch!

DAVE HOWERY pulls a lever and, with a cough, the shuttle’s engines fire and it takes off.

EXT. – ABOVE THE ISLAND – DAY

The shuttle roars off into the sky. The Confederate fighter planes chase it for a short distance, their bullets impacting harmlessly on the shuttle’s shields, then peel off as the shuttle heads into the upper atmosphere.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

The AH.commers breathe out, clearly glad to have escaped.

GBW
What was that thing?

GREY WOLF
(grimly)
I recognised it.
The virus from Stereotypica.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
It can’t be anything else.
That’s why we were immune—
that cure that Torq cooked up afterwards.

DAVE HOWERY
We never did figure out who
made that virus.
(grimly)
Now we’ve caught them in the act.

DOCTOR WHAT
And they spoiled our vacation.

An undercurrent of anger runs around the shuttle.

IRONYUPPIE
I respectfully suggest that we hunt them
down and make them eat their own nuts.

LANDSHARK
No fair! How come they get to do that
after ruining a planet! I had to do much
harder things before you let—

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway…

The viewscreen shows the AH.com ship approaching.

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on – we’ll get to the bottom of this.

DAVE HOWERY
Thank Christ we didn’t bring Kit…

(titles)

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship is still orbiting the Earth from before, which now has a green haze over most of the Americas – the virus is multiplying.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIEFING ROOM – DAY

All the AH.commers are assembled in the briefing room. DOCTOR WHAT is standing at the fore, in front of a Powerpoint presentation, and seems to have just briefed them on the situation.

DOCTOR WHAT
…so that’s what happened.
Leo, did you catch any sight of that…
(hesitates)
‘furry plane’ that bombed us?

LEO CAESIUS
My sensors detected a silhouette and
then it appeared to enter the upper atmosphere,
suggesting it is space-capable. However, it then
went over the curve of the horizon and I lost sight of it.

Disappointed murmurs.

LEO CAESIUS
However, I did detect another signal in the system.
A shift-capable ship…

Interested murmurs. A hologram appears on the projector in the middle of the briefing table and rotates, showing a simple-looking but sleek ship that looks rather like a 1930s Flash Gordon rocket-ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking his goatee)
That looks vaguely familiar…

LEO CAESIUS
Indeed. I cross-referenced it in my databanks
and I identified it. We encountered it near the
CTT.net, six months ago.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s Floid’s ship?
(keenly)
I wonder if he has any more porn…

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. The ship of Floid the Pornmaster
was identified as a second vessel.
This is the ship of the mercenary unit
known only as The Germans.

Angry murmurs go around the table.

HENDRYK
(furiously)
They must be forcing other planets to
act as stereotypically as them!
(spits)
Boches!

GBW
Presumably the Germans’ ship is
a mothership for the, er, furry plane
and deploys it to bomb with the virus
canisters on each world.

DOCTOR WHAT
Each world…then they may strike again!
Leo, did you get their technobabbylon-particle trail?

LEO CAESIUS
Naturally.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pointing at LANDSHARK)
Then lay in a pursuit course at maximum…thing!

LANDSHARK
(to IRONYUPPIE, sidelong)
Why’s he pointing at me?

IRONYUPPIE
(sidelong to LANDSHARK)
You’re the chief pilot.

LANDSHARK
(genuinely surprised)
Really??

DOCTOR WHAT sighs.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship breaks orbit with the Earth – the green gas is spreading even further. A shuttle leaves the AH.com ship and heads down.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

THANDE and TORQUMADA are in the shuttle, along with BOBO and the GIANT MOSQUITO in the back seats. THANDE operates the comm, while TORQUMADA pilots.

THANDE
See you around, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Mix up some more of that cure
and help those poor people
(hard voice)
We’ll come and pick you up after we’ve…
dealt with them.

THANDE
Yessir. Thande out.

He flicks the comm off, then glares at TORQUMADA.

THANDE
Why can’t I drive?

TORQUMADA
The last time we let you drive, you crashed
the shuttle into the Empire State Building…

THANDE
(hotly)
That was a mistake anyone could have made!

TORQUMADA
…while we were in Los Angeles.

THANDE
Okay, maybe not.

TORQUMADA
(briskly)
Good.
Now find me the area worst afflicted so
we can help them first.
If there’s more than one, prioritise for regions
most likely to contain women in bikinis
with beachball-sized bazongas.

Shaking his head and muttering to himself, THANDE works the control panel.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

As the shuttle heads down to Earth, the AH.com Ship forms a vortex and vanishes into it.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

A vortex opens up and out shoots the AH.COM ship.

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, MATT, LANDSHARK, MICHAEL and DIAMOND at various stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
Analysis, LEO.

LEO
Well—-the crew’s overall performance up to this point
can charitably be described as ‘incompetent’, while your
own performance requires work-value attitudinal readjustment,
the ship is in dire need of a new paint job, my secondary
back-up hard drive is corrupted with spambots, my robot
body needs an upgrade, Dave really needs a shave, the –

DOCTOR WHAT
Not of us! The ship we’ve been chasing for the last 3 hours!

LEO
Oh—that.
(beat)
Particle trail analysis indicates that the
German mercenary ship has Shifted again.

Annoyed cursing sounds from the bridge crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Again? This is, like, the eighteenth time….

LEO
Nineteenth actually.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Fine. LEO, get ready to do another –

MATT
(looking at something on his console)
Whoa! Incoming transmission!

DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.

The viewscreen shows an image of about a dozen or so scantily clad, big bosomed women.

WOMAN 1
Help us please. A terrible disease has killed off all the men on our planet.

WOMAN 2
We have gone without sex for 3 years now.

WOMAN 3
We are in dire need of men to make love to us.

WOMAN 4
Long passionate love. With all of us. Constantly.

WOMAN 5
Will you help us?

WOMAN 6
The future of our planet depends on it.

We see the entire bridge crew staring in shock and amazement at the viewscreen. Several of them are drooling. A few wisps of smoke are coming from one or two of the consoles as the drool dripping on them starts shorting out several of the electrical components.

Doctor What is the first to recover.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right! Everyone form an orderly stampede to the shuttle bay behind me!

The crew races towards the bridge doors—which fails to open.

WHOMP!

We see a large pile of ah.commers near the doors. One by one, the bridge crew gets up off the floor. Finally, the last crew member—Doctor What—slowly gets up and walks unsteadily back towards his command chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at ceiling)
Leo?

LEO
Sorry about that but we DO have a world to save and some bad guys to catch, after all.

DOCTOR WHAT
But we can do a quick side trip!

LEO
Analysis of the particle trail indicates that the Germans Shifted
away a mere five minutes ago. If we jump right away, we just
might be able to catch up to them in the next timeline. Even a
delay of ten minutes could mean that we will have to start the
chase all over again—with no guarantee that we will be able
to continue tracking them.

MATT
I can do ten minutes!

MICHAEL
Heck—that’s seven minutes longer than my personal record!

LEO
Gentlemen!

DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctantly)
Fine! Just mark the coordinates of this timeline—
we’ll be back once all this is done!

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

The AH.COM ship forms a vortex and vanishes into it

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

The AH.COM ship comes out of the vortex.

Pan slowly to the left to reveal—

-The German ship, opening up another vortex!

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
After them! Full power to all weapons and shields!

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

The German ship flies into the vortex, followed seconds later by the AH.COM ship.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

The two ships emerge. The AH.COM starts activating their weapons.

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt! Disable that ships engines! We can’t let them get away again!

MATT
With pleasure!
(starts firing away)
Take that, you deutsch asshats!

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

We see particle beams and missiles lance out from the AH.COM ship and impact on the German ship. Its shields manage to absorb the brunt of most of the shots but we can see a few small explosions appear here and there on the hull of the ship where the shots managed to make it past a weak point in the shields.

The German ship turns and starts firing at the AH.Com ship.

The two ships are nearly obscured by the barrage of weapons fire as they fly past each other, the shields of both ships sparkling spectacularly as they do so. Several shots from the German ship manage to penetrate the shields and impact on the AH.COM, causing a ripple of small explosions on its hull.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship is shaking from all the impacts. A few panels here and there spark and flare while a layer of smoke hangs near the ceiling.

MATT
They’re coming around for another pass!

DOCTOR WHAT
Keep blasting them!

EXT- SPACE –NEAR EARTH

The two ships make another pass at each, firing off a barrage of weapons fire that is if anything more intense than the first one. Although neither ship seems to be crippled, it’s obvious that both ships are getting a beating.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The bridge is trashed worse than before—the emergency lights are on, one or two of the consoles are totally fried, and there’s smoke everywhere now.

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving smoke out of his face)
Status!

GBW
(reading some screens)
A couple of sensors are out, the secondary fuel intake
chambers are both flooded, small fires on 4 different decks...

MICHAEL
(reading screens)
... hull breech on level five...

DIAMOND
(reading other screens)
..shields down to 42%...

MATT
(reading yet other screens)
...particle beams 3 and 4 are jammed, missile launchers 1, 5 and 7 are down...

LANDSHARK
...and worse of all—the pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore!

LEO
Incoming transmission!

DOCTOR WHAT
On screen!

The viewscreen flickers into life and we see the bridge of the German ship.

Sitting in the Captain’s chair is STEFFEN. In the first officer’s seat is SUSANO. Sitting at various stations and consoles are ALAYTA, MAX SINISTER and CARLTON BACH.

STEFFEN
Zurrender und prepare to be boarded!

DOCTOR WHAT
Never! We’ll make you pay for what you did!

STEFFEN and SUSANO glance at each other in confusion.

STEFFEN
Say again, ja? Vat we do?

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t jerk us around—you know
exactly what you did, you bastards!

SUSANO
Vat da hell you speak of?

MATT
You released that Stereotype virus on that
planet a few timelines back, you asshats!

The German crew stare open-jawed for a few seconds—then, as one, they all scowl and frown.

STEFFEN
(barely able to contain his anger)
VE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—like we believe you.

STEFFEN
Ve don’t give a shit vat you believe!
Ve speak the truth! Ve are not responsible!

SUSANO
Nein!

DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell should we believe you?

STEFFEN
Vould ve speak like this if ve had a cure for ze virus!

SUSANO
Ve are infected too!

MAX SINISTER
Ja! Ve all are! This ship und everyone
on ze planet below!

We see the AH.commers exchange a few glances amongst each other. None of them look totally convinced—but there’s small glimmers of doubt on their faces...

DOCTOR WHAT
If you weren’t responsible, then why were you on that planet?

STEFFEN
Ve are seeking ze people who are responsible!
Ve believe they were on that planet!

SUSANO
But ve lost ze zignal a few timelines back.

We see DOCTOR WHAT deep in thought.

MATT
(sotto voce)
Doc—you think we should believe them?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
(sotto voce)
Not sure—but we sure as hell can’t keep pounding each other
like this. And they ARE talking like stereotypical Germans after all….
(looks back at viewscreen)
You say the planet below is infected as well?

STEFFEN
Ja! It is our homeworld.
(beat)
I propose a compromise solution for our dilemma. Ve two
captains go down to der planet below. Und ve exchange
one crew member per ship. Zis way none of us do anything
funny und each of us haff a potential hostage.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suspiciously)
And what exactly will I find on the homeworld?

STEFFEN
The truth!

Doctor What turns toward his crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well? What you think?

MATT
I think it’s a dumb idea but if it buys us some time...

GBW
And who knows—maybe they’re speaking the truth.

DIAMOND
I have to concur with my logical colleague here, despite the fact
that he refuses to see the light regarding the wonders of pantslessness.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky?

LANDSHARK
These are the same dudes who would rather argue politics
than get handjobs from big breasted naked Asians, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah-so what’s your point?

LANDSHARK
No point—I’m still trying to wrap my mind
around that concept, that’s all.

DOCTOR WHAT
But that happened months ago!

LANDSHARK
I’m a deep thinker...

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Well—certainly deep in something
(beat)
Michael?

MICHAEL
Better you than me, Doc

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for volunteering to be the German’s hostage.

Ignoring Michael’s shocked expression, Doctor What turns to see the viewscreen.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got yourself a deal!

STEFFEN nods.

EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE THE PLANET

We can see the AH.com ship and the German ship in parallel orbits, both with some damage and scarring from the brief battle. Both ships open their hangar bays and launch two shuttles each, one of which goes down to the planet and the other heads for the other ship. The German shuttles look rather like flying VW Beetles.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘JENNIFER GARNER’ – COCKPIT

DOCTOR WHAT is lounging in the back of the mostly empty shuttle, while GBW and LUAKEL are sitting in the piloting seats at the front. GBW is now wearing a flying helmet and humming cheerfully, if tunelessly as he holds the piloting yoke, while LUAKEL operates the sensor displays.

LUAKEL
(as his console beeps)
Leo confirms the German shuttles are scanned.
No suspicious readings. They seem to be telling the truth.

GBW
(gentle chiding)
Never assume, young Luaky.
Why, did I ever tell you about the time
when I mixed up the two Nine Years’ Wars and…

LUAKEL
(hopefully)
…and you ended up in the middle of a bloody
battle and had to flee back to the AH.com ship
in an exciting story?

GBW
No-oo, I just had to take the textbook
with the order of battle and coloured
illustrations back to the shop.

LUAKEL
…oh.

DOCTOR WHAT
(speaking up)
Quiet, you two.
(importantly)
I’ve got research to do.

DOCTOR WHAT puts his feet up on another chair, then opens an official-looking briefcase and pulls out several German-language porn magazines, which he begins carefully studying. He unfolds one large centrefold (not visible to us) and his eyebrows go up and down as he turns it ninety degrees first one way and then another.

DOCTOR WHAT
My word—so that’s
where Hitler got the idea
for his moustache from.

GBW and LUAKEL look confused.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HANGAR BAY

Several AH.commers, led by LANDSHARK, stand by as the German shuttle lands, and then the doors open with a hiss.

LANDSHARK
(to the others)
Alright, you bunch of overly macho
gun-toting colonials who are obviously
overcompensating for something-

MATT
(patiently)
Can you please get to the point?

LANDSHARK
(half to himself)
Funny, that’s exactly what Erikka
said the other day…
(as the others shudder, he continues)
If these Krauts try anything dodgy,
get ready to blow their heads off!

OTHER AH.COMMERS
(enthusiastically)
Sir, yes, sir!

LANDSHARK goes up to the shuttle and cautiously peers through the open door, then goes in and out the other door.

LANDSHARK
It’s empty!

The other AH.commers follow him and go through the shuttle’s interior, pulling things up and looking under them, then nod in agreement.

DMA
They must have double-crossed us!

GERMAN VOICE
(VO)
Vhy are you all over zere?

The AH.commers abruptly spin around to find one of the Germans – ALAYTA – lying nonchalantly back on a deckchair resting where they were just standing. A black-red-gold towel is hanging from the arm of the deckchair.

LANDSHARK
(muttering to himself)
Bloody Krauts.

EXT. – AERIAL VIEW OF BERLIN – DAY

The two shuttles descend on Berlin, which looks hugely enlarged compared to the OTL version. In some ways it looks like Hitler’s Germania, but doesn’t have the grand, exaggerated Nazi architecture – it is, however, clearly the world capital.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘JENNIFER GARNER – COCKPIT – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT nods and folds up his porn magazines as GBW carefully pilots them down onto a landing pad. Before him, a German in a quasi-military uniform guides him down with flashing tennis rackets.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where are we?

LUAKEL
Look around!

As the hatch hisses open, DOCTOR WHAT does so. The landing pad is connected, Star Wars-style, to a series of towers linked together in a huge complex. The two largest towers are linked by a broad, high bridge on which is a larger version of the statues from the Brandenburg Gate. Inscribed on the bridge are the letters, twenty feet tall: DEM DEUTSCHEN VOLKE.

DOCTOR WHAT
(private dick voice)
So dis must be da place.

The German shuttle lands on the pad next to them and STEFFEN, in full uniform with medals and dress regalia, gets out and sharply salutes DOCTOR WHAT, who returns it rather sloppily.

STEFFEN
Kommen, ve shall explain.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods, then turns to GBW)
You two – if anyone tries to steal
the shuttle, activate self-destruct.

GBW
Yessir!
(pause)
Erm, you do mean we’re
supposed to get out first?

But DOCTOR WHAT has already left, following STEFFEN down a high walkway that leads to the centre of the complex. GBW sighs.

INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY

The central Weltstag chamber is a huge, impressive room with neo-Gothic architecture, rows upon rows of seats all facing inwards to the speaker’s podium, and with tall windows somewhere in the high reaches of the room that shed light on the proceedings. A large number of the hundreds of representatives are wearing (different) military uniforms.

DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN enter as a man is speaking at the podium. This is WELTSKANZLER KABRALOTH.

KABRALOTH
(addressing the representatives)
…I urge you all to be patient, ja?
Zey are our last best hope for ein cure, und-

One of the representatives, ALBIDOOM, stands up and yells back:

ALBIDOOM
Zen zey are ein forlorn hope!
Ve haff given zem enough chances!
It is time to-

But as he speaks, KABRALOTH catches sight of the approaching STEFFEN out of the corner of his eye and, with relief, shouts over ALBIDOOM:

KABRALOTH
Be zilent!
Kapitan Steffen has even now returned!

Murmurs spread throughout the room as STEFFEN goes up to the podium, with DOCTOR WHAT, and KABRALOTH turns to him.

STEFFEN
(salutes)
Herr Weltskanzler, sir!

KABRALOTH
(avariciously)
Vell, Kapitan? Do you haff zem?
Haff you hunted zem down at last?

STEFFEN
Ah – er – not exactly. Not yet, nein.

Groans and sighs spread throughout the room, and ALBIDOOM looks triumphant.

ALBIDOOM
You all see, ja?
Zey are nozing but failures-

STEFFEN
(talks over him)
But, we have gained a new ally.

KABRALOTH
Explain.

STEFFEN
(points to DOCTOR WHAT)
Zis is zer kapitan off zer ‘AH.com Ship’.
Zey haff access to far more advanced sensors
zan us, and haff agreed to help us track down
zer perpetrators off zis deed.

KABRALOTH
(musingly)
Zer AH.com Ship…
Did you not say zat zat vas zer
name off zer ship you fought vhile
helping Floid the Pornmaster?

STEFFEN
Ah – yes – zat is correct –

ALBIDOOM
(angrily)
Zen zey are zer vons who
scuppered our scheme!

DOCTOR WHAT
Er – what? Excuse me—Floid
had taken over the ship of my
good friend, Chris-

ALBIDOOM
(impatiently)
Irrelevant.

STEFFEN
Perhaps it is best iff we start
at zer beginning?

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Yeah, maybe…

STEFFEN
(reminiscing)
It all began many years ago…

The screen dissolves into the ‘smeary dreams of reminiscence’ effect.

EXT. – FLASHBACK – SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL EUROPE – NIGHT

A dark landscape. Searchlights sweep the air and we can hear air-raid sirens going off. The searchlights briefly illuminate RAF bombers as they pass overhead, and anti-aircraft guns fire.

But above the bombers, we catch a brief glimpse of another plane, large, with an irregular, hairy outline, and a single bomb being dropped from it…

STEFFEN’s voice speaks over some of the events as we see them unfolding.

STEFFEN
(VO)
It vas zer height off zer Zecond World War, ja?
Mein men und I were assigned to a bomb disposal squad.
It vas dangerous vork. Ve vere assigned it because
ve had been locked up by zer Nazis as political dissidents…

A group of German soldiers are visible going up a road, all with heavy backpacks of bomb disposal equipment. They are led by STEFFEN, with captain’s rank, and behind him we can see the other Germans we have seen before – SUSANO, MAX SINISTER, ALAYTA, OBERDADA, and others.

SUSANO
Zer stupid Nazis fail to
see zer inbuilt ideological
contradiction off opposing
zer Bolshevism vhile at zer same
time incorporating-

MAX SINISTER
(interrupting)
Nein, nein! You forget zat by its very
nature zer Nazi system has flaw due to-

STEFFEN
Ja, vhat is needed is more capitalism!

ALL OTHERS
NEIN!!

STEFFEN
(VO)
Off course, ve vere not all dissidents
off zer same stripe…

As we watch the Germans approach a field which is dotted with both craters and unexploded bombs, and they go to work, carefully dismantling the bombs and disarming them with special tools.

STEFFEN winces and cuts a red wire, then relaxes as the bomb he is working on stops ticking.

ALAYTA
(calling)
Kapitan! I haff not seen
von like zis before-

STEFFEN gets up and goes over to ALAYTA, who is standing in front of a particularly large, unusual-looking bomb of some shiny, unfamiliar metal.

STEFFEN
I do not recognise it eizer.

ALAYTA
(cautiously)
I sink ve should call for backup…

STEFFEN
(snorts)
And give zem an excuse to stick
us back in zer camp? Nein.
One way or zer other, I’m never going back.

With a caution that betrays his careless words, STEFFEN pulls out two precision tools and gently taps the bomb all over, then takes out a third tool –

ALAYTA
Wait!
What’s happening?

STEFFEN looks up to find that the bomb’s cap is unscrewing itself from within.

STEFFEN
Mein Gott!

The cap flies off and a noxious green gas emerges.

ALAYTA
Zer Tommies are gassing us!

Both of them collapse, halfway through reaching for their gasmasks. As they fall, STEFFEN half-unconsciously fumbles in his pocket, pulls out a towel and throws it on the ground beneath him…

Pan across to the bomb, now empty…and we see that at the bottom of the canister, wrapped around it, is a single, very long brown hair…

Fade back to ‘here-and-now’.

INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY

STEFFEN is hanging his head in shame as he recounts the story.

STEFFEN
If I had done it differently –
if I had been more cautious –

ALBIDOOM
(stabbing a finger)
Ja, zen our world vould
not haf become like zis!

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
But why did you all become Germans?
When the virus affected my crew, we
all became our own national stereotypes!

KABRALOTH
Our scientists believe zat, as zer virus
infected Germans first, it mutated and
turned zer rest of zer vorld likevise.
(snorts)
I’m from Brooklyn, für Gott’s sake!

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa.
(thinks)
Wait—if this world is only a few years
past WW2—how did you get the expertise
to build that ship?

KABRALOTH
Because ve now haff an entire world of-
(makes sarcastic quote marks in air)
“Brilliant German Scientists”, ja?

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.

ALBIDOOM
Not zat it did much goot!
(glares at DOCTOR WHAT)
Our scientists tried to invent a cure,
but zey only managed to make another
virus, a Misspelling Virus.

KABRALOTH
So ve gave Kapitan Steffen and his men
a chance to redeem zemselves. Help zat
Pornmaster Floid viz his plan to create zer Pornship.

ALBIDOOM
Und viz zer money, ve could buy in advanced
medicine from zer other timelines to make a cure.
(glares at DOCTOR WHAT again)
But you, you interdimensional do-gooders – you stopped us!

DOCTOR WHAT
(holds up hands)
Hey—I’ll be the first to admit that I found the
idea of stopping the Pornship plan meant I
couldn’t sleep at night for weeks –

KABRALOTH
(sharply)
It matters not now.
(looks at DOCTOR WHAT)
You said your crew was affected?
So you found a cure?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
Yes, two of my crew are now administering
it on an affected planet. After they’ve finished,
maybe they can come here…

EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY

Back in the holiday timeline, THANDE and TORQUMADA have set up an outdoors lab on the beach of the Caribbean island. In the background, we can see BOBO and the MOSQUITO flying around. All around them, the once-idyllic scene has been made hellish, with wrecked Confederate tanks and aircraft lying around, the palm trees and shacks turned into burnt-out shacks, etc.

THANDE
(casually)
Experiment 56 was certainly quite
spectacular, wasn’t it?

TORQUMADA
(nods)
I’ll miss my eyebrows for weeks.

THANDE
Still, at least it made those damned
Confederates back off.
(walks over to TORQ’s station)
How’s it going?

TORQUMADA
(pouring two test tubes together)
Soon…ah, that’s it.
(smiles)
The first new batch of my Stereotypica cure.

THANDE
Does it have to be injected?

TORQUMADA
The first batch does. After that it
will turn into an anti-virus and
spread throughout the world,
curing the first one.

THANDE
(admires)
Wow, that’s positively Star Trek
levels of made-up pseudoscience.

TORQUMADA
Thanks.

TORQUMADA ladles his mixture into a syringe.

TORQUMADA
Now all we need is a victim…

THANDE
I think we can oblige.
(whistles)

The MOSQUITO and BOBO descend before them. In two of its legs, the MOSQUITO is holding an annoyed-looking ROBERTP6165 and BOBO’s tentacles have him tied up.

ROBERTP6165
Get off me, you freak!

MOSQUITO
Which one of us are you referring to?

ROBERTP6165
The one that’s trying to…er…run my blockade!

TORQUMADA
(nodding)
That’ll be Bobo. He does that.
Here, this won’t hurt a bit.
(sotto voce)
It’ll hurt a lot.

TORQUMADA jabs ROBERTP6165 in the arm with the syringe.

ROBERTP6165
Ouch!

THANDE goes up next to TORQUMADA with a handheld scanner.

TORQUMADA
(to ROBERTP6165)
Well? Feel anything?

ROBERTP6165
(dirty look)
Just a wicked urge to strangle that brain thing.

TORQUMADA is about to retort, but THANDE pales and points at the scanner’s display.

THANDE
Look at these readings!

TORQUMADA does so, and pales in turn.

TORQUMADA
What the fu – the cure’s not working!

THANDE
(grimly)
The virus has mutated, become resistant.
Or maybe been…redesigned.

TORQUMADA
(cursing)
But that means…

He points the scanners at himself, and then at THANDE, then nods.

TORQUMADA
I thought so! Our own vaccinations are breaking down!
(in horror)
If we don’t come up with a new cure soon, we’ll
become vulnerable again!

THANDE
What about everyone on the ship?

TORQUMADA
Um – it takes hours of continuous
exposure for the virus to overcome
our vaccinations.
(nods)
They should be fine as long as they
don’t have prolonged contact
with anyone who has the virus.

THANDE
(relieved)
Well, that’s something.
Now, let’s get to work.

TORQUMADA nods and he and THANDE go into overdrive, rapidly mixing substances, scribbling in notepads and fiddling with petri dishes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HANGAR BAY

MATT, LANDSHARK, DMA and ALAYTA are all playing Twister. ALAYTA appears to be winning. As we watch, DMA spins the dial.

DMA
Left hand red – dammit -

As he struggles to make the shift, he collapses.

LANDSHARK
Get on with it – I’m in prolonged contact
with a Kraut here!

ALAYTA
Is not exactly zer HappyTime für me eizer, ja?

They continue playing.

INT. - SHUTTLE 'JENNIFER GARNER’ - COCKPIT – DAY

Tight on GBW’s face. Pull back and we see him holding cards.

Pull back even more and we see him and luakel sitting around a small table, chips and cards upon the table.

GBW sets down his cards.

GBW
Confederate ACW win.
Aztec America.
And… Canada Superpower.

LUAKEL
(groans)
Damn it.
(throws cards down)

GBW collects his winnings, a big smirk on his face. As he counts his chips, his eyes glance towards luakel. We notice that luakel has a small bandage on the back of his neck.

GBW
(pointing)
Hey—how the heck did you get that?

LUAKEL
(rolling his eyes)
Flocc did that to me yesterday.

GBW
How? And why?

LUAKEL
Well—it all started…

F/X – Swirly Flashback effect thingy

INT. – FLOCCULENCIO’S CHAMBER – DAY

We slowly pan across Flocculencio’s chambers. It is dimly lit, with only the light from several candles illuminating the room. Flocculencio is seated cross-legged in the center of the room, wearing long flowing multi-coloured robes and a jewel encrusted turban.

Luakel is seated before him, looking very confused.

FLOCCULENCIO
Verily—all was good and the people were
happy upon hearing the words of Goatism.
The Holy Tenets—that there is no Goat but Goat,
and Flocculencio is its Prophet and that women
are soft and smell good and are to be encouraged –
were embraced by all, and Peace and Good Times
and much Drinking reigned throughout the lands.
(beat)
But it was not to be, for Evil lurked
in the shadows waiting for a chance
to destroy all the Goodness.

LUAKEL
And that was?

FLOCCULENCIO
Two evil forces—one from within and one from outside—
conspired to destroy the Holy Word of Goatism. The evil
false prophet known as Justin Pickard earned the title of
Great Satan through his numerous attacks upon the peaceful
followers of the Goat. Though Pickard brooded from afar,
the turmoil caused by this led to an attempt by the turncoat
apostle Nek to rebel against the ordained hierarchy of the Faith.
Though he had previously sold himself and his womenfolk
into indentured servitude, he chafed in his bonds and repeatedly
attempted to cause trouble, finally renouncing the Faith. Now—
the two of them—Pickard, the Great Satan and his foolish follower
the apostate Nek now given the title of the Lesser or Leicester Satan
and excommunicated by the Caliph – still roam the multiverse,
spreading the false lies of tainted Goatism.

LUAKEL
Gosh.
(beat)
So—like—what will you do if you were
ever to meet them again?

Flocculencio’s eyes start twitching and we notice a strange tic at the corner of his mouth. He suddenly gets up and walks towards a table. Picking it up, he smashes it onto the floor and picks up a table leg (with a large rusty nail sticking out of it) and turns to face Luakel.

FLOCCULENCIO
(incoherent screaming)
Ghaaaarrr-Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!

Luakel’s eyes widen in fear and he rushes out of the room, Flocculencio right behind him.

F/X – Swirly Flashback effect thingy

LUAKEL
Honestly—I’m telling you—that guy is getting crazier and crazier every day.

GBW ponders this for a long moment.

GBW
How can you tell the difference?

INT. – GERMAN SHIP – DAY

We see Michael at a dinner table with several Germans— MAX
SINISTER and CARLTON BACH, to name just a few—are eating a massive meal consisting of Sauerkraut, a bowl filled with a red cabbage-apple mixture, a huge plate of grilled pig’s knuckles, Bratwurst, and potato dumplings. Massive quantities of beer are being consumed.

Michael looks like he’s going to explode if he eats one more bite of food and is clearly unable to keep up with the German’s drinking ability.

CARLTON BACH
Und now—ve sing!

CARLTON BACH and Max Sinister wrap an arm around Michael’s shoulders and, waving their beer steins, start singing what sounds like a German drinking song.

The Germans are enjoying the singing immensely and are shouting at the top of their lungs, much to Michael’s annoyance. Between the food, the beer, the loud singing and the fact that he’s being rocked back and forth by the Germans on either side of him, Michael looks rather ill and his eyes are starting to glaze over.

CARLTON BACH
Und now—you sing eine vith us!

Michael’s eyes widen and he looks around frantically for an escape. Seeing none, he sighs deeply.

MICHAEL
Oh alright
(beat)
Wenn auch so manche schöne Stadt
Sehenswürdigkeiten hat
Eins gibt es nirgendwo wie hier
Das ist das Münchener Bier

Michael suddenly collapses to the floor as he starts to drown in his own drool from speaking all the German words too quickly.

CARLTON BACH
(looking down at Michael then back at the Germans)
Das iz not good, nein?

MAX SINISTER
(shrugging shoulders)
He iz from Australia.

CARLTON BACH
Oh.
(beat)
No worries then, nein?

MAX SINISTER
Ja!

The Germans go back to singing.

EXT. – WELTSTAG COMPLEX – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN walking. We see the WELTSTAG CHAMBER in the background.

STEFFEN
So—you vill help us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. At the very least, our vaccine
should be of immense help to your people.
And once we get back to our ships, I’ll
transmit all the scans we took of that
‘fuzzy ship’ over to your ship. Maybe
it will help you track down those guys.

STEFFEN
Vill you assist us in der chase?

DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctant voice)
I don’t know...
(beat)
You may have noticed—my crew isn’t what you will call ‘dedicated fighters’.
(beat)
Dedicated drinkers, yes. Dedicated porn addicts, certainly.
Dedicated borderline lunatics who manage to survive the
most outrageous adventures through pure dumb
luck every week—well, that’s a given.
Fighters?
(shaking head)
Sorry, Steffen—not going to happen...

STEFFEN
I am authorized to give eine one uf your crew 1000 DVDs uf German porn
und 30 cases uf beer upon successful completion uf eine mission.

DOCTOR WHAT
DEAL!

They shake hands and continue walking towards the shuttles.

EXT- DEEP SPACE- DAY

We see the ‘Fuzzy Ship’ floating in space.

PAN CLOSE

We notice that the reason the ship looks fuzzy is because the entire surface of the ship is covered in... hair.

PAN CLOSER- we sweep over the hair covered hull of the ship, past blinking lights and sensor arrays to a porthole, where we move through into—

INT- MAIN CHAMBER – DAY

The main chamber is immense. A large throne like chair is in front of the camera, its back facing us.

The head of a figure seated on the throne like chair can be seen.

But the figure has immensely long hair—not only does the brown hair nearly cover the back of the chair—it covers the floor, much of the walls and even part of the ceiling.

Long strands of hair can be seen trailing off into the distance down several dark corridors that lead off from the chamber.

A large double set of metal doors slowly open.

We see nine figures enter – CARL, GENERAL TIU, HOBELHOUSE, EUIO, BLACKMAGE, REDEM, RAN EXILIS and the last one- NEK.

NEK is wearing elaborate priest-like robes of some kind.

Oddly enough—every single one of the figures are completely and totally bald. However, NEK has a single tuft of golden hair sellotaped to the front of his forehead.

NEK
Sire—the latest attack is progressing well.
My calculations indicate that within 48 hours,
the entire planet will be permanently affected.

THRONE FIGURE
Excellent. Yet another planet will soon be shown the
errors of their way. Slowly but surely everyone in the
multiverse will be shown just how wrong they are.
(beat)
(dreamy far away voice)
Yes—the fools at the university thought I was mad.
That I have taken leave of my senses with my plan.
Fools! They were incapable of seeing he sheer brilliance
of my plan! But I showed them—oh, how I did…

HOBELHOUSE coughs meaningfully but discretely.

THRONE FIGURE
(annoyed voice)
Yes—what is it?

HOBELHOUSE
Begging your pardon, sir but my men were wondering…

THRONE FIGURE
(very annoyed)
Yes?

CARL
Well—you DID promise...

EUIO
That is...

BLACKMAGE
Ummm...about our hair...?

THRONE FIGURE
(impatient)
Yes, yes! I know very well what I promised!

NEK
(angry)
You dare to imply that my master will double-cross you!

GENERAL TIU
(quickly)
Oh no—of course not!

REDEM
It’s just that...ummm...

GENERAL TIU
Well—it HAS been a while...

RAN EXILIS
The deal was that we replace the crew that you lost earlier
for one year and in exchange you will give us the secret
formula that will restore our hair back to its luxurious former state.

THRONE FIGURE
(waving hand impatiently)
Yes, yes! I know the deal I made! Let me assure you that
I will follow through on it right after we accomplish one last mission.
(beat)
Nek! Input the coordinates for the next timeline!

NEK
(bowing)
At once your Hirsuteness!
(scampers off)

THRONE FIGURE
And the rest of you—prepare another batch of the virus!

BALD GOONS
Right away!

They rush off.

The camera slowly swings around the throne until we finally see the face of the THRONE FIGURE.

The THRONE FIGURE is...

JUSTIN PICKARD!

JUSTIN PICKARD
(steepling fingers)
Excellent...

EXT. – DEUTSCHERWELT – WELTSTAG COMPLEX – EVENING

An establishing shot showing the Weltstag complex. We pan around and zoom in through a window into a new room, not the big central Weltstag chamber…

INT. – WAR ROOM – DAY

This room is large and is organised as a war room, with a big map on a table in the centre (and underlings pushing little wooden models around on it with shuffleboard sticks), primitive 1960s computer banks beeping and flashing around the sides, and so forth.

Interestingly, the map is not of the world, nor even of space, but of a complex series of multicoloured contours, with many points marked with little flags. Each flag has a little picture of the planet Earth on it and a number.

As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN enter. DOCTOR WHAT studies the map, tilting his head to one side.

DOCTOR WHAT
No—sorry—still can’t see it.

STEFFEN
It’s not a Magic Eye picture, dummkopf!

STEFFEN gestures at different points on the map.

STEFFEN
Zis is a multi-dimensional representation
of zer different timelines, ja? Vas invented
by Professor Von Finkelsteinenberger.
(points at flags)
Each Earth is marked here. Ve haff been using
it to track zer attacks off zer villains.

DOCTOR WHAT
I see—so you have an idea of what timelines
he likes to attack? What kind of timelines?
Maybe you can predict where the next
strike will be, and we can set an ambush…

STEFFEN
Ja, ve had zer same idea, but ve haff been
unable to narrow it down enough.
Zere’s alvays ten or twelve to choose from,
und ve alvays pick zer wrong one.

STEFFEN looks angry, but DOCTOR WHAT looks thoughtful.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait—I have an idea.
(clicks his radio)
Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
Yes, one who is so laughingly
titled my captain?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring this)
I need that sensor data you got
of the virus ship, the, er…

STEFFEN
Ve call it “Zer Hairplane”.

DOCTOR WHAT
-the Hairplane, yes.

LEO CAESIUS
Ein – I mean, one – moment…

A few seconds later, DOCTOR WHAT’s radio beeps and lights up. He holds it up, presses a button and a hologram is projected into the air, showing a rotating cutaway picture of the ‘Hairplane’. The Germans all point and look at the advanced technology, looking impressed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can you use any of this?

STEFFEN
(peering keenly at the hologram)
Ja! Ja!
(points at an item)
Zer fuel tank here, is only quarter full!
Zat cuts down our list to only two or three
within his range!

DOCTOR WHAT
What if he refuels first?

STEFFEN
(shakes his head)
Not yet. Ve haff monitored his refuelling activities.
He alvays goes to zer Hub to refuel, once a month.
He is not due for another week.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er—what? If you know he goes to the Hub
so regularly, why don’t you ambush him there?

STEFFEN
(laughs bitterly)
Dummkopf! Do you not know zat
Zer Ian hass ein policy of banning anyvon
who starts ein fight?

DOCTOR WHAT
(slaps forehead)
Oh yeah—sorry—forgot.

STEFFEN
(turning back to hologram)
Anyvay – next target must be von of zese three…

STEFFEN gestures at the huge complex map. One of the adjutants, NEROON, pushes most of the flags away with his shuffleboard scoop, leaving only three.

STEFFEN
(pointing to each in turn)
Zer first von is ein vorld vere zer Cuban Missile
Crisis vent hot, und zer major powers are now
zose in zer southern hemisphere.
Zer second is ein vorld zat vas enslaved by ein
Daemon posing as ein Purpledinosauren called Barney.
Zer third is ein vorld ruled by charismatic ruler
known only as Zer King…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I’ve been to all three of those timelines!

STEFFEN
(looking at him)
Really? Ve haff only heard about zem through rumour.
What can you tell me about zem?

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want to know?

STEFFEN
Vell – we have seen zat zer villain likes
to use zer virus on vorlds viz small populations,
like zose recovering from wars und disasters.
Zat vay, zere are fewer to infect and less chance
of anyvon developing resistance.
(pointing at the flags)
So, zer after Cuba vorld?
Zey are recovering from ein nuclear war…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Don’t think so—that war was a hundred years ago.
They have over a billion people again now.
The Barney world still has a big population.
But the King’s world had a lot of people die
from that damned mummy’s ageing magic…

STEFFEN
Zen, Zer King’s vorld is zer von ve vant?

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Bet on it.

He and STEFFEN shake hands.

Cut to –

EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT

The AH.com ship and the German ship both break orbit and head off into space.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE

As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the bridge, followed by LUAKEL and GBW. LUAKEL stills looks shellshocked, while GBW looks thoughtful.

LEO CAESIUS
Got a transmission for you, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go on.

KABRALOTH
(VO, tinny)
Good luck to both of you!
Bring the villains to justice
and get us a cure!

DOCTOR WHAT
Will do!
(glances around the bridge)
Hey—where’s Michael?

MATT
We left him on the German ship.
You did say to break orbit as soon
as possible.

DOCTOR WHAT
(dismissively)
Yes, yes. So we’ve still got our
German as well?

As he speaks, the door opens and ALAYTA and LANDSHARK walk in, their arms around each others’ shoulders and each holding a bottle. LANDSHARK is, uncharacteristically, grinning and both are halfway through a drinking song.

LANDSHARK/ALAYTA
(DRINKING SONG)

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey – what are you up to?

LANDSHARK
Oh, just hanging out viz mein
new best friend, ja—yeah?

DOCTOR WHAT gives him a puzzled look, then turns around.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
Nah—can’t be—we’re vaccinated, right?
(to LEO)
Put me through to the German ship.

The German ship’s bridge appear on the viewscreen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do you have the coordinates?

SUSANO
Ja! Course laid in!

STEFFEN
(nodding)
Now, at last, ve shall get zem!

DOCTOR WHAT shudders and turns away from the fury in STEFFEN’s eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Meet you there.

The bridge image vanishes and is replaced with space.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dave, engage the Shift engines!

DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
What? Look, Doc, I like the engines a lot,
but I’m not willing to go to that level of
commitment, I mean, they might expect
me to marry them next…

DOCTOR WHAT
(loudly)
Shift us to the King’s timeline!

DAVE HOWERY
(VO; tuts)
Well, why didn’t you say so?

DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes.

EXT. – SPACE

The German ship and the AH.com ship engage their engines within split seconds of each other, and dive off into colourful vortexes, which then vanish.

EXT. – NEAR EARTH SPACE – DAY

The two ships come out of the vortexes and settle into orbit.

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO—scan for any signs of that ‘Hairplane’! And see if you can pick up any transmissions from the planet below from someone in authority. We have to warn them about the danger they may be facing and maybe we can get some help from them.

LEO
Scanning...
(beat)
No sign of the ‘Hairplane’.
(beat)
Hmmm... we may have a problem with getting help
from anyone on the planet below. The entire planet
seems to have been balkanized into various factions.

DOCTOR WHAT
Factions? Over what?

LEO
As near as I can ascertain—which religion
of The King is the true religion.
(beat)
I have intercepted several evangelical TV stations that
appear to broadcasting their messages. On screen now...

The view screen changes to show a large glitzy stage. Colourful banners hang in the background and there appears to be even some kind of choir (all men wearing white jumpsuits) off to one side. A figure (HAGGIS)- dressed in a white jumpsuit as well but this one heavily bejewelled with rhinestones- is at a podium. He is wearing sunglasses and has large black sideburns. He holds a guitar in his hands. He’s in the middle of a smoking rock and roll song.

HAGGIS
That's right ladies and gentlemen,
The time has come!
Time has come to talk
To that little bit of King inside of you.

Talk to it!
Call it up!
Say "King, heal me!"
"Save me, King!"
"Make me be born again
in the perfect King light"

That's right!
You've got that King inside of ya
and he's talkin to ya
He says he wants you to sing!
Everybody's got to sing like the king!

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
Like the King.

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
Get that leg goin' now.

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
And get your lip too.

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
Not no fool Billy Idol lip either!

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
Everybody!

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
Yeah, we're rockin' now.

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
The King is with us.

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
He's with us and he's speakin' to us.
He says, "Peoples!"

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
He says, "Peoples!"

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
"Everybody!"

CHOIR
Uh huh huh.

HAGGIS
"Everybody gotta sing!"

CHOIR
The King is everywhere
The King is everything
The King is everybody
The King is still the king!

LEO changes the station. We now see what appears to be a comfortable looking sitting room with a leather chair, fireplace, bookshelves, etc. A man (DOETH) is sitting in the chair and smiling at the camera.

DOETH
And now my children, I shall read to you a passage from the most Holy Book that resonates with me.
(opens book; starts reading)
And The King saw them berating the poor recording artist, whose music was terrible and lyrics insipid, and Lo, the King said unto the mob:

`Let him who is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone.'

And the mob turned down their eyes, each considering his own ‘Don't Worry Be Happy’ or ‘Man in the Mirror’, and shuffled off.

`Thank you,' said The King. `Thank you very much.'

LEO changes the station again—this time showing a dishevelled man (ADAM) in dirty jeans and a t-shirt sitting on a stool. He’s yelling at the camera, practically foaming at the mouth.

ADAM
And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned,
I saw seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records
one like unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the foot,
and girthed about the paunch with rhinestones. His hairs were black
like vinyl, as black as Brilcream; and his eyes, how they twinkled,
his dimples, how merry...

Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the King of Rock-n-Roll! Shaboom!

LEO shuts off the images.

The entire bridge crew is staring in shock at the view screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok—that has to be the thirty-sixth strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

MATT
Thirty-sixth?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—okay—maybe not as strange as that planet of sentient
rutabagas we came across that one time. But definitely stranger
than that world with that alt-Othniel as a drummer for Marilyn Manson ...
(ponders for a moment)
Maybe thirty-fifth? Thirty-fourth- tops!

MATT
We gotta do something! This world is about to be attacked by that
virus ship and these idiots are fighting each other for the stupidest reasons!
(beat)
The King will never allow this to happen on his watch.

DOCTOR WHAT
You think something happened to him?

MATT
Well—he did say that he was going to go off to find
himself and walk the Earth and all that stuff. Maybe
he just doesn’t know what’s happening?
(beat)
If we find him and tell him what’s happening I’m sure
he’ll kick some sense into those idiots down there—put
together a kick-ass defense at the very least. If only there
was some way we can find him...

DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking goatee thoughtfully)
Hmmmmm...
(beat)
(snapping fingers)
I’ve got it!
(beat)
Ok—this is what we do—me and Matt are going to go down dressed
as disciples of The King and infiltrate one of those churches. Once there,
we’ll use our vast intellectual and military skills to get close to the head
honcho. Once we have him alone, we’ll beam him up to the ship. Once
here, Diamond will use Torq’s biological monstrosities and Thande’s
chemical warfare devices to access the memories of the head dude and
see if we can get any useful information. The rest of the crew—all also
similarly dressed as The King’s disciples- will infiltrate the other churches
and get the leaders of those churches as well. By combining all that
information, we will be able to gain some useful information on the
location of The King. We then track down the King and bring him back
up here with all of the leaders of the churches here on the ship-we will
then be able to sit them down all together over a nice round of tea and
have the King tell them that they should join forces with us to stave off
the impending virus ship. Now that we’ve managed to bring peace to all
the religions, we can then safely put together a plan to stop
that virus ship once and for all.

Long pause.

LEO
Or we could use the teleporter.
(beat)
Use it to beam down to his current whereabouts that
I have managed to find about 30 seconds ago.

DOCTOR WHAT
(without missing a beat)
Or we can use Leo’s plan...
(beat)
OK—Matt, Sharky—come with me.

The three leave the control room.

INT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

The three of them are standing on the teleporter platform.

DOCTOR WHAT
So—Leo—how did you manage to track down The King so quickly?

LEO
(VO)
There is only One King, Doc.

The three ah.commers nod their heads in sage understanding.

DOCTOR WHAT
So where are we beaming down to, anyway?

LEO
Strangely enough—the King seems to be living in an abandoned supermarket.

The three AH.commers glance at each and then shrug their shoulders.

DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone—energize!

G.BONE is reading a book (A Brief History of Time).

G.BONE
(giggling under his breath)
That Hawking—what a freak-a-saurus...
(looks up)
Huh? Wha? Oh—yeah—energize!
(hits a few buttons at random)
Okey-dokey!

The three ah.commers disappear with a popping sound.

INT. – ABANDONED SUPERMARKET – DAY

The three ah.commers pop into existence, DOCTOR WHAT in the middle and flanked on each side by LANDSHARK and MATT.

They look around, scanners and flashlights at the ready.

The camera pans slowly around the supermarket. The entire inside has been refurnished to look like a comfortable home—with a sofa, easy chairs, bookshelves- even a TV. Strangely enough—an ivy plant is placed on top of the TV, it’s leaves spilling down and nearly covering the TV.

The King is sitting on a chair reading a book. He glances up.

THE KING
What the-? My God—it’s you!

He smiles and gets up; he runs towards the three AH.commers and gives all three of them a big hug simultaneously, squishing them all together in the process.

LANDSHARK
Zer hair! No touching zer hair!

MATT
Great to see you too, King!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Oxygen...becoming...an issue...

THE KING
(releasing them)
What brings you three here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Two things in fact. One about what’s been happening
on this world since you’ve been gone—the other about
an imminent threat to this world from outside.

THE KING
(confused)
Huh? What are you talking about? What’s
been happening here while I’ve been gone?

The AH.commers glance at one another in confusion.

MATT
Told you that he wouldn’t have allowed this to happen if he knew.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry King but—how can you NOT know what’s
going on there? Don’t you watch TV or anything?

THE KING
I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors
and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grim faced)
We’ve got some bad news to tell you, King...

MATT pulls out a machete and, with one dramatic sweep, slices through the ivy, revealing the TV screen. He then turns it on, and with a cough of static, the TV tunes in. THE KING watches in silence as MATT flips it between the different stations we saw before. A vein begins to pulsate in his forehead as he reddens with anger.

THE KING
(quietly)
All this aggravation ain’t satisfactionin’ me.

Wordlessly, THE KING pulls out a revolver and shoots the TV, which explodes in a shower of sparks. MATT leaps back with a yelp. THE KING turns to DOCTOR WHAT, a resolute expression on his face..

THE KING
Damn—I have been gone for far too long
(shakes head)
Every time I think that I'm getting old, and gradually
going to the grave, something else happens.
(beat)
And you mentioned a threat to my world from outside as well?

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s like this...

WIPE CUT TO-

A FEW MINUTES LATER

THE KING sitting in a chair, obviously in shock. He blinks a few times and shakes his head. He stands up with a determined look on his face.

THE KING
I’ve got some serious butt-kicking to do when I get back to civilization!
And I’ll tell you guys this—even if you fail, my people and I will fight
the virus until the very end! No way am I going to allow my people—
or any others- to go through something like that! Bring me back to Memphis—
we have a planet to save!

MATT
(pumping his fist)
YES!

DOCTOR WHAT
(opening his comm.)
Doc to the ship—we’ve got work to do! FOUR to beam up!

The four figures disappear with a pop.

Suddenly, a big pile of cornflake boxes stirs and a derelict, EVILMITTENS, glances around.

EVILMITTENS
The King has left the building.
(throws up)

Cut to:

EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY

THANDE and TORQUMADA are still hard at work, mixing things, pouring things into other things, distilling things, and writing things in notebooks. As we watch, THANDE extracts some yellow liquid from a condenser, fills a syringe with it, and then injects an increasingly pissed-off looking ROBERTP6165. He’s already got green skin and an ear growing in the middle of his forehead from some of their earlier ‘efforts’.

ROBERTP6165
Damnyankee bastards, why I’ll-

TORQUMADA diplomatically stuffs a Confederate flag into ROBERTP6165’s mouth, shutting him up. THANDE glances at the readings on his scanner, then shakes his head sadly.

THANDE
Ee, chuff me, nowt.
Back ter t’tin bath, Ah suppows.

TORQUMADA
Boy, you say boy, you say what?
I don’ unnerstan’ a word you say, boy?

THANDE
Speak up, cloth-ears!

They glance at each other in mutual incomprehension and go back to their work. From a distance, the MOSQUITO and BOBO look on.

MOSQUITO
It’s not looking good.
The virus is going to overtake them
Before they’ll make a new cure.

BOBO
Bobo. Not. Let. Torqumada. Be. Harmed.

MOSQUITO
(sighing)
I’m sure you wouldn’t, but we can’t
fight a virus. We can only help them fight it.

BOBO bobs up and down, ‘nodding’.

BOBO
Bobo. Help. Torqumada.

BOBO glides off, fetching TORQUMADA another tray of test tubes. The MOSQUITO sighs again.

MOSQUITO
(musingly)
I wonder if there are any tasty flowers on this island…?

Cut to:

EXT. – SPACE – THE HAIRPLANE

We see the HAIRPLANE drifting through space.

INT. – HAIRPLANE – MAIN CHAMBER – DAY

The room is deserted save for JUSTIN PICKARD in the centre of his throne, illuminated by flickering candles all about. He is almost motionless, meditating, but is playing with a strand of the hair that comes from his head and chin, blending into the mass of hair throughout the ship.

As we watch, NEK enters. As before, he is wearing elaborate robes and is bald save for a single tuft of golden hair taped to his forehead.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(stirring)
What is it, my Hirsuite Prime?

NEK
(saluting)
Your Hairiness, sir. We are ready
to attack the next system.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(acidly)
Do not use such words, my apprentice!
We do not attack, we purge of philosophical inaccuracy and bigotry!
(smiles beatifically, with a mad look in his eyes)
Stereotypes are entirely false and wrong, so the only way to make things
right is to change things so that they become true!

NEK
(avoiding his gaze)
And there’s the other thing, too…

JUSTIN PICKARD
(changes expression abruptly)
Ah yes. To purge all traces of the heretical Goatists
from all of the multiverse…

JUSTIN PICKARD angrily picks up a candle and crushes it in his hand. The flame goes out.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(coldly)
One day we shall h